#i think sue and reed's is the only superhero wedding that has lasted

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Fantastic Four #150: Ultron-7: He’ll Rule the World!

September, 1974

It never stops being weird whenever something that is not Avengers follows the colon after Essential Avengers but hey if every comic was Avengers, I wouldn’t need to have that Essential Avengers bit there at all to make absolutely sure that everybody knows that this is an Avengers liveblog and not a Fantastic Four liveblog.

And also because I started out reading from the black and white Essentials trade.

Anyway, geez. I didn’t think it could get more ridiculous than Ultron “my butt is jet powered” 6 but here we have a giant Ultron head on the body of a giant robot that is for some reason dressed in red spandex. What is with your fashion, the Inhumans?

Forget everything about the Kree, the Inhumans were really created when someone planned a society where superhero wear like onesies and masks are considered casual wear.

I like the cover caption though. “Ultron grabs the bridal bouquet -- and the bride!” Because imagine Ultron at a wedding for reals. Imagine him seriously getting the bouquet and being thrilled that he is going to get married next. Because that’s all Ultron wants. He wants to turn Janet Van Dyne into a naked robot and then marry her. And he will name her Jocasta because subtlety is for other people.

Of course, the real title of this (part of the) issue is “ULTRON-7: HE’LL RULE THE WORLD*” and I know the asterisk is to note that the first part of this story was in Avengers #127 but I can’t help but think of a disclaimer that says something like “void where prohibited.”

Ultron-7, of course, decides to take some time gloating. In fact, he so wants to revel in his victory that he unparalyzes everyone.

Ben immediately tries to throw a large, indeterminate object at Ultron despite Reed’s warning but gets SPACHOOM!’d for his trouble.

Meanwhile, Agatha Harkness was not affected by the paralyzing for some reason so has absconded somewhere with the comatose Franklin Richards.

Franklin has been in a coma since Fantastic Four #141 when his dad, Reed, put him in one. I won’t offer context. Just know that it happened.

Reed wonders how Ultron came to possess Omega’s body and because its Ultron, he of course decides to explain it all. Maximus found Ultron’s decapitated head after Avengers #68 and brought it the Inhuman’s Great Refuge with a long-distance tractor beam.

Since Black Bolt is both an idiot and guilty over Maximus’ unstable mental condition, Maximus was provided a bunch of scientific equipment to amuse himself. With that equipment, Maximus revived Ultron’s head and attached it to the mindless body of Omega.

Maximus intended for Ultron to be his ally in taking over the Inhumans but instead Ultron turned on him.

With the exposition out of the way, I guess its time for the big fight scene. And Ultron is already halfway there. Cause he’s big.

Of course, even though he could splatter most of these chumps with a punch, he can also just dissolve their brains with squiggle rays.

Ultron gloats that all the heroes’ skulls will be filled with psychic rubble and that there’s nothing they can do to stop it at all.

Except Ultron reckoned without a small child.

Ultron’s psychic assault was enough to awaken Franklin from his dad-induced coma and rouse a brain with enough power to consume an entire planet.

And disturbed from his sleep, Franklin lashes out and destroys Ultron’s brain.

I’d say its an ignominious defeat, perhaps Ultron’s most ignominious of all, but it’s about right. Ultron is for all intents and purposes a screaming pissbaby, so its about right that he get taken out by an actual child.

Although in terms of a cliffhanger, this is about as disappointing as the resolution from the end of Rise of the Cybermen to The Age of Steel.

Anyway, Ultron-7 is super dead.

And Reed is thrilled. Not about that. But that Franklin’s dangerous powers seem to be gone now. Booyah, his decision to put his child into a coma is retroactively justified!

Any everyone around can’t help but smile at seeing a family reunited and also Ultron dead because screw that wedding crasher.

But that’s only a little over half of the book. Yup. Omega Ultron-7, the big cliffhanger crossover from Avengers to Fantastic Four was dealt with halfway into the book.

The rest of the book is the wedding.

It’s smart actually. Everyone knows that superhero weddings get interrupted by supervillains. So instead, they scheduled the supervillain interruption for before the wedding.

As we begin part 2 “The Wedding of Crystal and Quicksilver” weirdly angelic Inhumans fly around tooting ridiculous horns.

And we get a bunch of vignettes of the various characters preparing for the wedding.

There’s Alicia Masters and Ben Grimm getting ready. And it takes Thor to try to wrestle the Thing into formal attire before giving up under threats of violence.

Reed and Sue reminisce about their wedding and Reed asks if Sue remembers it. And Sue is like no shit I remember our wedding, but that’s because I’m a woman and not because Doctor Doom tried to kill us all that day. And then Reed apologizes by stealing flowers from across the street.

Thor and Iron Man bond over being star-crossed in love. Thor, having two great loves that something always keeps him apart from. And Iron Man, having lost his great love Pepper when she married his best friend.

And over a hundred guests show up for the wedding. But Johnny Storm and Medusa tarry. Johnny and Medusa have a talk about Johnny’s old relationship with Crystal. Medusa reassures him that Crystal loved him once but that people change. And Johnny admits that he thought he was adjusted to the idea of Crystal marrying someone else the previous day but now he feels like there’s glass breaking inside of him.

Medusa offers to stay with him while he deals with these feels. And an odd little definitely unintended precursor to the two of them dating later. Huh.

And then the wedding (Damnit Quicksilver, put on a damn tux or something).

Black Bolt gives his silent blessing.

The Whizzer watches the wedding on a monitor screen at Avengers Mansion, because at this point this is his son’s wedding, before the retcons.

And then Crystal, Quicksilver and Lockjaw teleport away for their honeymoon.

And despite his conflict broken glass feelings, Johnny finds himself smiling after all.

It’s all very lovely and only slightly diminished by knowledge of what their marriage will come to in the years to follow. Oh endless sequential shared universe storytelling. You make fools of us all.

Of course, this is far more of a Fantastic Four story then an Avengers story. Sure, the Fantastic Four borrow Ultron from the Avengers’ rogues gallery but its Franklin Richards who defeats him. We check in with Iron Man and Thor being sad sacks for a bit but mostly we check in with the Fantastic Four and Inhumans. Johnny Storm gets the final panel, having accepted that Crystal is marrying someone else.

But it is Scarlet Witch’s absence which is damning. She appears in some crowd shots in the first half but once the wedding half of the issue gets underway, she’s nowhere to be seen. She gets no dialogue in this issue. This is the wedding of the brother who has disowned her and we don’t learn anything about how the moment is affecting her.

We don’t even see her in the wedding audience! We see Vision but Wanda isn’t next to him. Its a big oversight and a huge wasted opportunity.

Next time in Avengers: Necrodamus. Didn’t I briefly cover him while discussing the Defenders?

[captainneverever]

Snow Day

written for @lightsonparkave's Prompt Challenge Round 6 -- Love

The Avengers think that Steve and Tony got engaged at the annual holiday party. It’s news to Steve and Tony. (light 616, 1900 words)

Tony rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, vaguely aware of the Avengers alarm going off. Usually he’d be off like a shot heading for the armor, Steve’s voice in his ear relaying mission information. Instead, he saw Steve standing shirtless in his workout pants, coffee mug in one hand, watching the snow dance outside the Tower windows.

“Um, Steve, there’s a mission --”

Steve sipped his coffee and watched the snow. “We’ve been benched.”

Tony narrowed his eyes. “Isn’t that your call?”

“Not today. Carol called it.”

Tony couldn’t recall a single thing that occurred during the annual Avengers holiday party that would have resulted in them being benched. Food was excellent. He drank seltzer and lemon all night and Steve his craft beers. The Cards Against Humanity game hadn’t resulted in blood-letting. No one had stupidly challenged Thor or Carol to arm-wrestling. No one had complained about the silly, the serious or the thoughtless presents. 

He glanced over at the small black box with the arty cufflinks Steve had given for him on the nightstand. Steve had commissioned the artist sometime last year to craft “space geode” cufflinks. The gift stemmed from a long-standing private joke that would be impossible to explain to anyone else. He grinned, thinking of how Steve said “space geode.” 

It all went off the rails when Steve had given him the box in the kitchen when it was just them alone instead of during the group present opening. Jan had walked in on Tony enthusiastically kissing Steve and then jumped right out with profuse apologies.

Now that he wasn’t on call, Tony snuggled deeper into the sheets and blankets and blatantly ogled the lovely ass sight in front of him.

He asked, “Why? As far as I can tell, you and I still have all our limbs attached, no concussions, no body swapping …. Unless there’s a surprise you’re about to spring on me. Like a visit from our clones or something.”

“Team thinks we got engaged last night so we’ve got the day off.”

Tony could hear the touch of amusement in Steve’s voice and wondered if Steve had put up much of a fight about being benched. Probably he did; he didn’t take benching well, even for a good cause.

Then it sank in what Steve had said. “What?! Wait -- did Jan think --”

“It wasn’t just Jan. Clint overheard us talking about big news before the party.”

“The new quinjet redesign?”

Steve set down his coffee mug and joined Tony on the bed. He swung his legs up, and rolled onto his stomach, and smiled at Tony. He kissed Tony’s bicep. “Only you and T’Challa would consider that big news.”

“The team will love the more comfortable seats are bigger galley,” Tony grumbled. “So, the whole team thinks that you and I are getting married.”

“Jess asked if we’d set a date yet.”

“July, of course. Best weather in the Hamptons,” Tony replied automatically. “Hard to get hotel rooms, and we’d have to book the venue a couple of years ahead of time. It’d be worth it.”

Steve booped Tony’s nose and chuckled. “That’s the official date -- we’ll have already gotten married in private a few months earlier. City Clerk’s office.”

“That’s just complicated and unnecessary.”

“So are supervillain attacks and alien invasions. Have we gone to a single superhero wedding that didn’t get interrupted?”

Tony had no answer. He couldn’t think of one, and he’d gone to his share of the events. Sue and Reed couldn’t even have a baby shower without a supervillain attack.

Steve concluded, “If we’re already married, then all Zemo or Kang or Ultron would be breaking up would be a party.”

“Or the Controller or whoever is in charge of AIM these days or -- let’s be real, there’s at least fifty guys and gals that would go a long long way to bust up our big day.” Tony drummed his fingers on the bed. “Wait -- why did they jump straight to us getting engaged? Why not moving in together? I could have given you a box with a key to my suitet.”

Steve collapsed on the bed, his body shaking from laughing. Tony swatted at him as Steve shifted away from him and wiped tears from his eyes. 

“What’s so funny, big guy?”

“The team and reserve Avengers thought we’ve been living together for the past year. I was informed of this fact this morning.”

“Oh, wow. How could we have missed that?” 

Steve looked thoughtful. “I do spend most nights here already.” He poked Tony in a ticklish spot. “If I moved in officially, I’ll need some closet space, more than the two drawers I’m using --”

“I’ll build you your own closet. I can draw the plans up right after breakfast. I’m going to design you a closet that’s going to be on the cover of Architectural Digest.”

Steve wriggled back under the covers and the sheets, and propped his arm up on the pillows. “Are you asking me to move in?”

“Do you want to move in?” Tony replied. His breath hitched and pulse beat faster as that old fear that Steve would bail on him reared its ugly head. A lifetime full of disappointments and Steve’s workaholic tendencies had taught him to be wary.

But he’d give his eyeteeth to have more of Steve.

Steve fiddled with the blanket and looked at a spot at the end of the large bed. “I always imagined you’d ask in a more romantic way. Involving a dinner.”

Tony’s heart flipped. “You’re one of the most unromantic people I have ever met. We can order takeout and eat while we make space for you and your toothbrush in the bathroom.”

Steve slid an arm around Tony’s waist to draw him close. “Home is where I hang my shield. A nail in the wall, a nightstand, and one side of the closet, and we’re all set.”

“Ha,” Tony snorted. “Do you think we could get all that done before the team returns?”

He grinned as he watched Steve analyze and calculate the team’s chances. He adored Steve’s brilliant tactical mind, the little half-smile he always had on his face as he considered and weighed strategies. Just part of Steve’s charms. 

“The main factor is whether or not the Wrecking Crew are having a magically juiced-up week. Weather forecast has more snow. Team is worse for wear because of the party. Odds are that they’ll be out for a couple of hours minimum.  

“Well, now that we know it’s the Wrecking Crew --”

“I didn’t want to leave the Tower to fight the Wrecking Crew,” Steve confessed.

“Instead you settled for moving in with me? Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” 

Stevet tugged him closer, letting Tony tuck his head into his shoulder. The idea of waking up to this every single morning warmed Tony from head to toe. Something they could build a life around.

“Now that we’re living together, when are you going to make me an honest man?” Steve teased.

“Wow, we haven’t even hung up your medals and had a fight over your hideous chair --”

“Team thinks we’re engaged already. We can’t undermine their trust in us.”

“You just don’t want them to know that you didn’t tell them the truth that you didn’t want to fight the Wrecking Crew in a blizzard.”

Smiling, Steve ran his fingers through Tony’s hair. “They saved me from planning the proposal.”

Tony pulled away to stare at Steve. “Wait. Slow down. You just talked me in letting you move in --”

“A formality -- I have clothes and uniforms here, my pile of books are next to my side of the bed, I was just asking for more closet space.”

“Right. Back to that proposal thing. What?”

Steve sat up a little straighter so Tony could curl into his side. They could see the snow coming down in thick white flakes, the sort of snow that promised many inches, school closures and miserable fighting conditions. The Avengers had been more than generous to let the newly engaged couple sleep in. 

“I bought more than the cufflinks at the jeweler’s. Just waiting for the right occasion. I made reservations at L’Artusi for Valentine’s -- was working on other ideas, like flowers, that sort of thing.”

“Steve,” Tony exhaled with all the love he felt for Steve. A Valentine’s Day restaurant date was a big, fussy ordeal -- with a planned proposal thrown into the mix -- and Unromantic Steve was planning to do it all for him. A big risk, given all the space wars they’d been in recently.

“We’ve talked about it, getting married.” Tony nodded in agreement, and Steve continued. “I picked up the ring and all I could think about was when I could ask you. I almost asked last week at breakfast when you were fixing the coffee machine.”

The thought of wearing Steve’s ring took Tony’s breath away. Steve had always wanted to be married, though Tony had a healthy fear of marriage, considering his parents and the strong likelihood he’d wake up and find that he’d married sentient armor or a Skrull. It could happen -- he’d lay good money that it would. Tony’s luck ran on the rotten side.

But here was Steve, right next to him on a snowy morning in New York, and he was going to Officially Move In today. He’d loved Steve forever, since Steve opened his eyes in that sub a few years ago. He couldn’t possibly name anyone he’d want to marry more than his Avengers co-leader -- they had saved each other’s lives too many times to count, they finished each other’s sentences, he could practically read Steve’s mind by now. 

No wonder the team thought that Steve had proposed last night. They should have been married years ago. They should have gotten married the afternoon Tony found him. It was ridiculous the amount of time they hadn’t been married. 

“Since you’re asking, yeah, I’ll marry you.”

Steve kissed the top of his head. “How about next week?”

“Next week?”

“City Clerk’s Office.”

“I take back what I said about you being unromantic. You’re such a true romantic, through and through.”

“We could get married Tuesday at the City Clerk’s office -- we get a license on Monday and there’s a 24-hour waiting period.”

“Tuesday? Hmmm -- I probably have something scheduled that day.”

“You’re free, I already checked your schedule.”

“You planned this,” Tony accused Steve. 

Steve put his arm around Tony and hugged him. “No, that’s giving me too much credit. I researched possibilities, in case they came up. Be prepared.”

“I couldn’t possibly love you more than I love you now.”

“You will when the Masters of Evil crash that fancy wedding the wedding planner put together and we have to drop everything to arrest them. And we’ll be married during the whole fight.”

“Our secret.”

“Just us.”

The wind picked up outside and the snow fell harder. “I should feel bad about the team out there in the snow,” Tony admitted.

“It’s their gift to us,” Steve replied. “An early wedding present --”

“For the men who have everything,” Tony finished. 

“Yeah.”

Tony tapped the bed thoughtfully. “I have some favors to cash in for the honeymoon, in that case.”

“I’d like to go to Europe,” Steve offered. “It’d be nice to visit on our own, not as Avengers.”

“I have ideas already -- you won’t regret it. We’re still going to L’Artusi for Valentine’s, right?”

“You bet.”

[fyeahfantasticfour]

What can you tell ne about Reed and Ben’s past military service?

I can tell you plenty! Ben and Reed were originally both WWII veterans – war heroes, actually. Ben served in the Pacific Theater as a fighter pilot with the Marines – and he was a very famous war hero. The work Reed did, on the other hand, was just as dangerous – if not more so – but he didn’t get much public recognition for it. He served as a spy for the O.S.S., an early WWII version of the CIA, working behind enemy lines with the Italian underground to help free prisoners from the Nazis. Their military service is first established in Fantastic Four v1 #11:

There are a few other references to their service during the Second World War that I can recall – there’s one in Marvel Two-In-One v1 #64, where Ben mentions that he and Reed served together on at least one mission that seems to have gone very wrong:

And later in Marvel Two-In-One v1 #77, we see flashbacks to a mission Ben went on with Nick Fury and his Howling Commandos. Ben is VERY unhappy that Fury has him flying a transport plane instead of a fighter plane:

I assume this means that Ben must have served in the European Theater at least briefly. Which makes sense, and also means that Reed and Ben potentially served together for some time before eventually getting split up when Ben was reassigned to the Pacific.

We also see Fury meeting a certain Major Richards of the O.S.S. in Sergeant Fury and his Howling Commandos #3 while in Italy, and he mostly seems very impressed by Reed and his bravery:

This is actually the first time they met – so Fury has known Reed and Ben since before they became superheroes. Also interesting is the fact that both Ben and Reed made it to the rank of major at the very least, meaning that they both outrank Captain America (but are outranked by Captain Marvel/Carol, who, despite her misleading name, was a full colonel when she left the military).

Eventually, though, it stopped making sense for Reed and Ben to have served in WWII without both of them being far too old to continue being superheroes. There was a brief attempt to deage them and Sue in 1980, but it didn’t really stick. Instead, we started getting vague references to Ben having been a test pilot for the Air Force who participated in secret missions and eventually wanted to become an astronaut, while references to Reed’s military service began to fade away. 2004’s Marvel Knights 4 #4 even transferred Reed’s WWII military service to his grandfather, John Richards. The last time I can remember any writer referring to Reed’s military service happens in 1998’s Fantastic Four v3 #5, when Reed and Alyssa Moy recount their adventures just after Reed got out of the military:

Honestly, I’m fine with Reed’s military service vanishing – I don’t think it makes much sense for the most brilliant man alive to be put on active duty. He’s also been seriously deaged since Fraction’s new origin story, so there isn’t much time between his first meetings with Ben and Sue and the rocket flight. I honestly can’t tell you if it’s still canon that he served in the military — 2005′s Fantastic Four: The Wedding Special, where Reed specifically tells Sue that he’s spent all of his time in the lab and only dared venture out because of her encouragement, certainly makes it sound like it no longer is. 

I think that eliminating Reed’s military service, though, makes it make far less sense that he would be the leader of the FF — it made sense for a former spy, war hero, and trained soldier to lead a team of superheroes, but it makes far less sense for a scientist with no battlefield experience. At that point, Ben and Sue would be the better options — both are trained fighters, and Reed isn’t. This is partly why I’m rooting for Sue to be the leader of the FF in the MCU — she deserves it, she’d be great at it, and I don’t think it necessarily makes sense for Reed to be in charge if he’s no longer a former spy and war hero. He can go off and handle the science in the background, while Sue leads the rest of the team.

There have been numerous more recent references to Ben’s military service, and I highly doubt whether Ben being a test pilot turned wannabe astronaut ever won’t be a part of his backstory. In 1996′s Fantastic Four v2 #1, Reed explains that Ben’s dreams of being an astronaut were dashed by mysterious, unspecified wounds during the first Iraq War.

We also have seen several flashbacks to Ben and Wolverine’s joint missions while they both were in the military. We see them meet in 1997′s Wolverine v2 #-1, where Ben is tasked with flying Logan to the U.S.

They team up for a second mission in a three-issue miniseries from 2000, Before the Fantastic Four: Ben Grimm and Logan, and they don’t particularly like each other – there are fun cameos from Tony Stark, Carol Danvers, and Natasha Romanoff in this series.

Those are all of the references to their military service that I can remember.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Double Review: Fantastic Four 2005/Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver  Surfer

Well, it’s finally time to look at these two films. I’ve looked at the cheesy yet awesome B-movie from the 90s, and I’ve looked at the utter blight on cinema that was F4ntastic, but what about the two Tim Story movies of the mid-to-late 2000s? How do they fare against an enjoyable yet trashy B-movie and one of the absolute worst films of all time? General consensus back in the day is that these movies were horrible failures that did a disservice to the characters, but ten years and an abysmal reboot later, people have started to look at these films with somewhat kinder eyes. But is it warranted? Do these movies have any redeeming value? Well, let’s look at the story of the two movies:

The first movie is simply the origin story: The future Fantastic Four (and this time, Victor Von Doom, a businessman financing their space science mission to observe a cosmic storm) go up to space, get blasted by cosmic rays, and gain superpowers, leading them to become one big, happy, constantly bickering, high-profile superhero family. Von Doom starts turning metal, and also turning evil (but with a name like “Von Doom” there are really few career paths one can take aside from villainy), and so they gotta stop him in the last fifteen minutes of the movie, which is when they remembered they were making a superhero film.

The sequel has the team, on the day of Reed and Sue’s wedding, forced to save the Earth again, this time from a mysterious being whose name is in the title of the movie so it really shouldn’t be a shock to anyone watching: The Silver Surfer. And we all know what HIS appearance means, right? Well if you don’t, it means Galactus is coming to eat the world. The Fantastic Four just consistently get no respect, and the people who asked for their help in the first place not only repeatedly disrespect and insult them, they hire Doom, seemingly just to rub it in. Can the combined forces save the day, or is the Earth just straight up fucked?

So the one thing I can say that is done really well across the two movies is that the team, well, feels like a team, and more importantly, feels like a kind of dysfunctional but loving family… you know, like the Fantastic Four is supposed to feel. Reed is the epitome of an absentminded professor; he clearly loves his friends, but he can let his scientific breakthroughs get in the way of that. Ioan Gruffudd does a good job at making Reed the nice balance of clueless insensitivity and charming kindheartedness that makes Reed interesting. Johnny is an egotistical showoff, and is constantly teasing Ben, and pre-Captain America Chris Evans seems like he’s having a ball… though apparently he didn’t have a great time making these movies. Johnny can be kind of obnoxious at times, but he never gets so bad that he feels like a disservice to the character. Sue is… there. Yeah, unfortunately, she is the weak link here, as she has very little presence (fitting for someone called the Invisible Woman, but kind of disappointing for one of Marvel’s most iconic leading ladies). Jessica Alba just does not seem like a good choice to play this character, and it doesn’t help that her experience working on the films was so bad she almost quit acting. Of course I saved the best for last: Ben Grimm, AKA The Thing. If these movies did anything right, it was cast Michael Chiklis, a huge fan of the comics, as Ben. Chiklis gives a very nuanced and human portrayal of Ben while still making him the big lug we all know and love; in short, he’s perfect, and easily one of the best comic-to-screen adaptations of a hero ever.

Now for the exact opposite: Doom. He fucking sucks. Across the two movies, there is not one single scene that is improved by his presence… okay, that’s not entirely true, but the vast majority of his screentime is spent sucking. The problem here is that Doom is not the sorcerous overlord of Latveria; he’s Norman Osborn, basically, a corrupt corporate executive whose arrogance and greed gets him evil powers. Basically the only thing he has in common with the comic book version is that he is named Victor Von Doom, and he hates Reed Richards. That’s about it. I get these films were made in the wake of Raimi’s Spider-Man films, which were huge, but they already jacked the action-packed comical tone for the story, did they need to jack the villain too? This Doom is only saved by a somewhat cool action sequence at the end of the second movie where he hijacks the Silver Surfer’s board and briefly becomes the herald of Galactus, and the fact that as much ass as he sucks, he’s still not as bad as the living gimp suit they called Doom in the 2015 movie. I think it says a lot about him, and also the quality of the reboot, that his biggest saving grace is that he sucks, but not as bad as the reboot one.

And now for the antagonists of the sequel: Silver Surfer and Galactus. Silver Surfer is easily the best part of the movie; he’s cool, he’s noble, he’s badass as hell, and he’s played by the inimitable Doug Jones. He’s such an enjoyably cool creation of special effects and acting that it may just make you sad that his hinted-at spinoff movie teased in the credits never happened. Galactus, on the other hand… ooh boy. I’m gonna need to start a new paragraph for him.

What needs to be understood about Galactus here is that this movie was made back in 2007, which was long before riskier comic book movies like Guardians of the Galaxy or Ant-Man. There was no chance back at the time that a character like Rocket Raccoon, Groot, Ant-Man, or Ego the Living Planet could ever be taken seriously, and silly-looking characters like Green Goblin were subject to a shitload of jokes. So, with that in mind, it is easy to see why the studio was probably reluctant to go with a true-to-the-text version of Galactus as a giant man clad in pink and purple. Instead, they opted to make him a big, evil cloud that drains the life from planets, and hey, this isn’t too bad a concept! This could totally work… but there are some stumbling blocks that they managed to trip over. First off: He doesn’t talk. I get changing him to a giant, living nebula that devours planets was necessary to avoid the sheer corniness of his usual attire, but you could AT LEAST still have him talk! Unicron bellowed out in the voice of Orson Welles when he was still just a giant planet-eating sphere, would it have been too much to have this killer cloud from outer space do the same? There’s plenty of actors capable of giving deep, menacing voices to even the most peculiar characters, so this is one of the more egregious missteps. Another big issue is the fact he… dies. Yeah, Galactus, the being in the comics who could at most be dissuaded for a bit, is killed via the magic power of pulling stuff out your ass and bullshit writing! The Silver Surfer just basically decides to turn on him and kill Galactus, with the power Galactus gave him… which begs the question of why Galactus would create someone strong enough to kill him. But hey, that could have been remedied with maybe some foreshadowing… which brings us to the biggest problem of all: Galactus only appears for, at most, five minutes. Galactus is barely in the movie at all, has very little buildup despite, you know, the Silver Surfer being there, and dies without making any sort of mark in the audience’s mind. And hey, remember how I said they likely did this to avoid the cheesiness of his costume, and that the cloud thing wasn’t a totally bad idea? There’s actually concept art for something that has it both ways: true to the text, yet still hidden in this massive cloud! But hey, why avoid these problems that will piss people off when you can just use them and piss people off? Just throw in a silouette that looks like his helmet and call it a day, they’ll be satisfied, riiiiiiiiiiiight?

Ok, but that’s enough about the characters… what about the stories, the actual content of the films? The first movie is much more… sitcomy, I guess? It’s an origin story and pretty light on the action, acting more as a piece where the characters interact and develop. For what it is, it’s decent, though as a superhero movie it really wouldn’t have killed them to have a bit more superheroics (you know, the thing that audience came for) and maybe have Doom built up better as an antagonist instead of thrust upon us in the final third after sitting most of the film out. For a movie that is clearly trying to emulate Spider-Man, it sure missed the part where Norman Osborn becomes the Green Goblin early on and flies about on his glider, cackling like a madman and killing people to establish him as a threat. Hell, Doom doesn’t even get to glide around on a silvery object until the second film! Overall though, the character interactions are pretty good, though again, Alba is clearly not bringing her best material here. My biggest issue though is some of the dialogue so hamfistedly foreshadowing the characters eventual identities early in the film it just feels awkward to a painful degree. Overall, the film feels more like an extended prologue for the second film than anything, and I guess that it’s not too bad for something like that, but it’s definitely not stellar as a superhero movie.

The second film is a lot more action packed, and I think this helps out a lot. The characters are established, so we get a lot of solid banter, they use their powers a lot more, and they’re up against the Silver Surfer, a character who just oozes coolness. Hell, even Sue is more interesting here! I also liked how the characters had realistic arguments and problems, and instead of stewing in them for the sake of drama… they actually talk their problems out and handle things in a mature manner instead of allowing annoying, contrived bullshit to hinder the plot! Of course, Doom’s presence bogs the film down, as does the issue with Galactus, but I think overall the film has a slight edge just for being a bit more compelling and for allowing the characters to be a bit more enjoyable due to the audience presumably being familiar with them from the first one. There’s still an air of corniness and campiness to the proceedings, but this one’s a bit more fun. Also, Stan Lee’s cameo, where he tries to get into Sue and Reed’s wedding only to be rejected, is probably one of his best cameos ever.

So, what do I think of them, overall? I think… they’re kinda enjoyable. I don’t think either movie is as true to the campy charm of the old comics as the unreleased film from the 90s, but I do think the heroes themselves were pretty well done, the Silver Surfer is one of the coolest characters in any superhero film and deserved his own spinoff, and it’s clear that there was some love, effort, and creativity put into these movies that makes them somewhat enjoyable. Are they great? No, I can’t honestly say either of these films are “great” movies to any degree, though they have their moments, but they’re enjoyable enough that it’s mostly painless to watch them (until you come across a scene Doom is in). Much like the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean films, I feel like these two movies could have maybe been trimmed down and cut together; the first act could have featured the origin of the Fantastic Four and maybe established Galactus and Silver Surfer, the second act could have them trying to use their powers to find out what the Surfer is up to, bickering, and growing closer as a team, and the third act could feature Galactus arriving, the team coming together to fight him off, and the Surfer realizing the value in them and helping them. Then it ends with a sequel hook involving Doom and maybe one for a Silver Surfer spinoff movie. Also, Galactus doesn’t die. BOOM! That would have worked a lot better I think, even if fighting off a planet-devouring galactic being is a bit much for a fledgling superhero team. Still, for what they are, I can’t really hate them. They do a lot wrong, but they do plenty right too. They’re definitely worth checking out if you can find them cheap (try the bargain bin at your local Wal-Mart or supermarket, and snicker if the price is about $4). Just don’t go in expecting Spider-Man or X-Men, the big contemporaries these films were compared to, and you’ll have a good time.

It’s a shame this franchise screeched to a halt and died when it had potential to get so much more interesting, especially with Silver Surfer’s hinted, yet sadly aborted, spinoff. Instead, what we got was something that represented the polar opposite of what the Fantastic Four should be. At least we got The Incredibles, which is to date the greatest Fantastic Four movie ever mad… but still, I’d like to imagine someday we’ll get an honest-to-god Fantastic Four movie that is actually fantastic. Maybe Fox will stop fucking up and make it, maybe they’ll give the rights back to Marvel, or maybe they’ll share joint custody like Sony is doing with Spider-Man. Only time will tell.

[81scorp]

Constructive criticism: Rise of the Silver Surfer

(Originally posted as an editorial on Deviantart Oct 5, 2015.)

For some reason the Fantastic Four movie made in 2005 got a sequel. I have to admit that I liked Rise of the Silver Surfer more than it`s predecessor. Possibly because the first movie had already gotten all the establishing and introductions out of the way, so the interesting stuff could actually happen in the first part of the movie. Still not good enough to actually be good though, and it didn`t do quite as well as the first at the box office. Let us, in my very subjective editorial, see how Rise of the Silver Surfer could have been better. It begins... in SPAAAACE! We see a planet. The planet gets destroyed. A big, strange, giant, alien ship flies away from it.Earth, night. Reed Richards is in his lab writing formulas on a blackboard. He notices that he is not alone. A tall man, possibly bald (hard to tell because he is mostly in the shadows) wearing alien, ancient looking clothes, gives him cryptic and vague warnings about an upcoming threat. The next second Reed finds himself in a city on another planet, the city is then wiped out by a nuclear explosion. Reed wakes up, it was all a dream.   In space, some metallic, possibly humanoid, thing travels through our solar system on what looks like a surf board and sets sight on earth.The military seeks out Reed to help them track and find the unidentified flying object. (in this version Reed does NOT do that stupid stretchy-dance, instead he just bores most of the girls with a lecture about black holes. I say "most of them" because one of them is actually genuinelly interested.) Sue does not shame him for having fun at his bachelor party (Because, let`s be honest what he did was pretty tame, especially in this version.) and we later find out that her bachelorette party was nothing more than her, Alicia and a few more women listening to music, drinking champagne and opening R-rated presents. The next day: Sue and Reed have their wedding, Stan Lee is not invited , the Surfer flies by, bad things happen, Johnny chases after him, the Surfer grabs him and takes him to the upper atmosphere where he passes out. The surfer lets John go, John regains his consciousness and avoids certain death. (John`s powers don`t go crazy after the Silver Surfer touches him in this version. Also: Frankie Ray is not a military in this one (since I already used her in the first hypothetical movie). The female military can be an original character created for the movie.) Somewhere else: In a dark room with many monitors Dr Doom has been watching what has happened on the news. He knows about the Silver Surfer and a few other monitors show photographs of things that has happened in space, so we can assume that he has made a connection between the Surfer and the planetary destruction. Sue knew what she was getting herself into with the whole superheroing stuff. She is not so much about settling down and raising a family (like she was in the movie) as she is about finding a balance between the superhero-stuff and a private life. She likes the superhero-stuff and understand how important it is and that it must often come before personal life, she just doesn`t want it to take over her life completely. Even she has her limits, she is only human after all. Reed shares her feelings. What they did a few years ago, fighting for their lives and saving the world from a global dictatorship, was a big thing, but one can`t deny that what they have to do this time is much bigger: saving the entire planet from complete destruction. And Reed thinks the stress must be getting to him because for a moment he thought he saw the big bald guy from his dream standing behind Sue. (We don`t see all of him, his head is outside the frame.) Dr Doom meets the Silver Surfer in the Arctic and tries to make a deal with him, the surfer just blasts him with energy. (In this version the surfer`s power comes from himself and not his board.) Dr Doom is not furious that someone beat him, on the contrary, he was prepared for something like this to happen and chuckles in a "he did exactly what I expected him to do" kind of way. Somewhere out in space: The big, strange, giant, alien spaceship travels through the universe. Reed figures out that the Silver Surfers next stop will be in London so the FF travels there in Reed`s latest invention: the Fantasticar. That big Eye of London gets damaged and the FF has to hold it together to save civilians. John wants to get back at the Silver Surfer but (in this version) he is stopped by a telepathic voice (from the bald space guy from Reed`s dream) that tells him that now is not the time. John uses his flame to melt the metal on the Eye of London so that the FF can put it together. In this version the military doesn`t invite Dr Doom, he invites himself. Because he`s Dr Doom! (Yes, in the movie the military agreed to work with him because he had important information, but still.) He shows them footage of when he tried to talk to Silver Surfer, Ben likes the part where the Surfer shot him. Doom reveals that his armor contained high-tech equipment that meassured and analyzed the surfer`s energy. With the info that Doom and Reed has gathered on the surfer they build a generator that will weaken him.They go to the place where the surfer will strike next, the military in their helicopters, FF in their Fantasticar and Doom in a Latverian airship. Sue and the surfer meet as she is preparing her generator thing and she tries to talk some sense into him. A conflict breaks out, the surfer defends himself and just before Reed activates the generator he sees the bald, alien space guy. (This is the first time we see all of him.) The surfer is weakened and taken into custody. Doom manages to get the privilege of being the one who gets to experiment on the surfer. Reed and the others sit in a room, Sue decides to sneak out and talk to the surfer. When Sue`s gone, the bald, alien space guy reveals himself to the rest of FF. His name is Uatu, a Watcher. He tells them about the surfer`s leader: Galactus, the devourer of worlds and also explains why he couldn`t help them and prevent this from happening from the beginning. Billions of years ago members of Uatu`s race decided to share their advanced technology and knowledge to the universe`s lesser advanced races and taught an alien race how to use atomic energy. With this knowledge that the aliens weren`t ready for, they created nuclear weapons and almost destroyed themselves in a nuclear war (like the one that Reed saw in his dream in the beginning). Because of this, Uatu`s people vowed to never again interfere in the lives of other, lesser advanced civilizations and only be passive observers. This explains why Uatu`s interference was minimal. He will surely be punished for overstepping his boundaries but he couldn`t just stand by and let this happen. He also tells them about the ultimate nullifier, a weapon from one of the planets that Galactus devoured. He took it as a souvenir and keeps it in a safe place on his ship because it is a weapon so powerful that it can destroy him. Meanwhile, the surfer tells his story to Sue, about how he made a deal with Galactus to spare his home planet. (This is narrated over a flashback where we see the Silver Surfer (in his pre-silver form) standing in Galactus`s hand (but we don`t get to see the rest of Galactus) making said deal.) Sue leaves the Surfer to tell he others, Doom enters the room and hooks the Surfer up to a machine built to transfer his powers to Doom. When Sue returns, the rest of the four break out of their cell and run through the corridors to help the surfer. The transferrence is complete and Doom now has the surfer`s powers. Doom calls the surfer`s board to him, flies away and the four arrive to free a weakened Silver Surfer. (Maybe Doom doesn`t need the board to travel, but as I`ve never seen the Silver Surfer fly without it I`ll assume that Doom needs it to fly.) As Doom flies away he pushes a button on his armor that activates the autopilot of the Latverian airship that he arrived in, and it follows him. The sky is full of dark, ominous clouds. FF and the Silver Surfer sense in the air that something horrible is happening, and they are correct: Galactus has already entered Earth`s atmosphere. Galactus is a giant humanoid and wears an alien, ancient looking, slightly desaturated, dark blue and dark red armor. There`s something almost H.P. Lovecraftian about his presence. Galactus places giant, levitating, reactor-like machines over the holes that the surfer created. They will be used to convert the mass of the planet into energy. He needs to calibrate each one manually. He places the first one in the artcic. (Calibrating them only takes about a minute.) In this version Dr Doom actually has a plan: he`s gonna beat Galactus and he wants the people of the world to see him do it. Reed, Sue, Ben and the surfer get onboard the Fantasticar, Uatu pulls John aside and tells him that he has an important job for him, the two teleport away. The Fantasticar catches up to and flies up next to Doom and Reed tries to talk some sense into him.

Reed: "Victor! Stop what you are doing! This is crazy!"

Doom: "`Crazy`? Look around you! Our world is about to end! I will save the world from Galactus, then I will save it from itself!"

The Latverian airship shows up behind them. It`s Doom`s way of saying: "Bitch, please! You are outnumbered, know when to fold." Reed realizes there`s nothing he can do right now and Doom and his airship flies to London where Galactus is, who is about to start calibrating the last reactor. The British military gives Galactus all they`ve got and so does Doom`s airship, but Galactus barely notices them. The FF and Silver Surfer arrive in the Fantasicar and can`t really do anything but watch. Meanwhile, John is flying around inside Galactus`s ship. Uatu uses his mental powers to guide him but also to cloak him from Galactus`s senses and the security system in the ship. On Earth Galactus has become mildly annoyed by the Latverian airship`s fire-power and obliterates it with a casual handwave. Doom realizes it`s time to turn up the heat and bombards Galactus with energy blasts. THIS gets Galactus`s attention. Not because Doom`s attack was strong enough, but because Galacus recognizes the energy. It`s the same as the one from his herald, the Silver Surfer. But that`s not the Silver Surfer. Galactus also notices that his attacker is flying around on the surfer`s board, he doesn`t like that this insect dares to meddle with one of his creations. He grabs Dr Doom and the surfer telekinetically and pulls them towards him. On Galactus`s ship John has found the ultimate nullifier and grabs it. The ships burglary alarm activates, Galactus senses what is going on (but is tied up with the surfer and Dr Doom), John narrowly avoids getting killed by the security system, Uatu realizes he has to act, teleports into the ship and teleports out with John. John and Uatu appears above the Fantasicar, John gives the nullifier to Reed who aims it at Galactus. Reed gives Galactus an ultimatum: leave the planet or Reed will use the nullifier on him. Sue adds that he should also give the Silver Surfer his freedom, and his home planet should remain untouched. Galactus and FF stare at each other for a few seconds. Reed doesn`t want to kill a living, sentient being, but he also knows what`s at stake. He gets ready to pull the trigger... Galactus sees that this man, who hesitated a few seconds ago, is serious.Galactus speaks for the first time, and agrees to the terms. He pulls Silver Surfer`s powers out of Dr Doom, puts them back into Silver Surfer, retrieves his reactors and leaves Earth to search for another planet to consume. The sky starts to clear up, two watchers appear, they have come to take Uatu to a trial for breaking the watchers`s sacred law of noninterference. Uatu goes with them and regets nothing. They also confiscate the ultimate nullifier, teleports Doom back to Latveria and rewrites his and the FF`s memories so that they don`t remember anything about the watchers. (Only the Silver Surfer gets to keep his memories. For... reasons.) Sue and Reed get married, Stan Lee once again fails to get in and the Silver Surfer watches the wedding from afar, smiles and flies off into space.

The End

Not perfect, but I think it makes slightly more sense than what ended up on the big screen. Once again: It doesn`t have to be super faithful to the source material to be good, but the source material was the only better alternative I could think of.

---SPOILERS ahead--- Uatu Uatu may be a Deus Ex Machina but the whole thing about the Silver Surfer defeating Galactus singlehandedly is a big asspull. It makes Silver Surfer look too powerful and makes Galactus look stupid and shortsighted. It`s like God creating an angel strong enough to destroy him. With Uatu it at least makes a little bit more sense, Galactus is so powerful that the best they can do is distract him. Uatu`s passive nature can be explained by his people`s past and that he`s used to the noninterfering-philosophy of the watchers and is therefore slow to intervene and doesn`t magically fix all problems. Galactus Galactus in the movie could at least have had a voice. When Silver Surfer flies up to finish him off he could have said:"What are you doing, Surfer?" Because we are only told in Silver Surfer`s backstory that he is a thinking being that can be bargained with, but we are never shown any signs of it when he is actually onscreen. Sure, in the comics Galactus is described as a force of nature/cosmos, but at least he`s an anthropomorphized one. Naming that giant, cosmic fart Galactus is like giving a name to a hurricane, it doesn`t mean that it`s sentient. Johnny`s powers I don`t think that the Silver Surfer`s touch making Johnny`s powers go crazy was a horrible idea, but I don`t think it was a good one either. Before they all touch hands so that he can get all their powers he says that it`s not all about him. Oh please! When were these movies NOT all about you? He`s the Wolverine of this movie, the one that gets all the attention. You don`t need to be Joss Whedon to write a story about a group of four people and give them enough time for character developement and moments to shine. This power thing was just a convenient way for the writers to give him even more time in the spotlight, and because they didn`t want to use Uatu. Funny little trivia: Rise of the Silver Surfer almost made Jessica Alba want to quit acting. Alba may not be a great actress, but I feel that I have to take her side on this one. At least when it comes to the crying scene. "I remember when I was dying in 'Silver Surfer'. The director was like, 'It looks too real. It looks too painful. Can you be prettier when you cry? Cry pretty, Jessica. ...'" "It looks too real"? Oh no! We wouldn´t want that now, would we? Things looking real in our movie?! "Cry pretty Jessica"? Yes, cause the most important thing is appearantly that a woman looks pretty. We wouldn´t want to scare or in any way challenge any six year old in the audience. ---SPOILERS end here--- Another thing that bugs me about this movie is that the studio seems to think that "safe for children" means: "dumbed down and simplified". PG-13 means that it doesn`t have too much violence or sexual content. Other than that it`s OK for the grown up characters to have dialogue or use logic that may go over the head of the average seven-year old. Though in hindsight, I think the dumbing down is more a result of this movie being rushed rather than a misunderstanding of what PG-13 means. This movie was made when Tom Rothman was in charge of FOX after all. He was infamous for meddling with and rushing movie productions. Sure, all studios do that, but sometimes it is actually done competently*. In this movie`s case: not so much. (*The meddling I mean, not the rushing, rushing a movie is never good.) Is it impossible to make a good Fantastic Four movie? I don`t think so. Is it impossible for FOX to make a good Fantastic Four movie? Yes.