#i think only one of my friends is; like.. semi-aware; maybe? i've told him i liked borrower stuff;; and other things like that;;;

[x-pair-o-dice-x]

I'm shy about liking GT and I only interact with MCYT for the incredible GT community but I just wanna say you're one of my favorite writers and I really enjoy your work. c:

mgnfjfnfj,fnd– aww,,, mx. anon you're too kind!!! i'm really glad you enjoy my works, we're happy to have you here!!!

[uniiiquehecrt]

Thor Odinson

tagged by : @beheworthy bc i would ALWAYS like 💖💖💖

Give me a fictional character and I will say:

Favorite thing about them: His big dumb hero's heart. His compassion. How much he loves his home, his people, his family, his beloved, his friends — how much he loves.

Least favorite thing about them: //stares pointedly at his inability to form meaningful connections because Thor is Not Allowed to be Not Okay (even when it's obvious and people he loves asks him to share his heart).

Three things I have in common with them:

I am, myself, an elder sibling!! And one whose younger brother was/is someone I am incredibly close to, care a great deal about — that entire drama is very close to home for me.

A passion bubble for friends and family that's, on occasion, close to the surface... but otherwise am chill 👍

and .... bunt out golden child syndrome vibes. Especially that vibe of "do it on your own and put on your leader face at all times, because all eyes are on you, good luck"

Three things I don’t have in common with them:

His ... overly reserved nature. I've been told I can be serious but I don't think I brood the way he does.

One day I will be nearly half as eloquent in my speech outside of writing 🙏

The way that Thor is able to just command a room???? Goals. Total goals. I'm either very good at directing conversations or shaky at it and I wish I had Thor's level of confidence.

Favorite line:

"i would rather be a good man than a great king."

OR ALTERNATIVELY.

"is that why everything's on fire~?"

BROTP: Brodinsons 100% . Then the entire warriors + sif squad dynamics! I'm forever sad we never got more of them all together. Then Heimdall, because Thor deserves positive mentor figures in his life. (and as far as the avengers proper go: Thor/Steve absolutely deserves more recognition they were the og duo as far as Age of Ultron is concerned and y'all , we've all been sleeping.)

OTP: Fosterson ! :D They're adorable star-crossed lovers, and he loves her very much. (and she feels the same for him !)

NOTP: if i see (1) more fan art of thorki in the thor tag i will scream. I guess also bruce/thor and valkyrie/thor exist ...??? I'm not really sure who Thor's exactly shipped with in the MCU besides Jane.

Random Headcanon: One time I considered the thought of little!Thor being exceptionally friendly with his kitchen staff servants, and because he's a strong little guy, he'd pick up giant barrels 3x his size and lug them around just because he wants to be helpful. And he'd do it with or without the prize of getting snuck goodies (though he would definitely prefer the goodies, were it up to him.)

Unpopular Opinion: I'm not sure if this counts as an unpopular opinion exactly, but I do always find it interesting that in the Frozen Vault Scene in Thor (2011), what the cinematography and editors show us that sets Thor off is seeing the dead einherjar...

And I'd actually say that this triggers his anger more than the interruption of his crowning ceremony.

So with that in mind, I'm not actually sure that (most of) his rage regarding the situation was about the coronation at all, in that case. At least, not in comparison to the fear he states (semi-subtextually) about being strong enough to maintain Asgard's borders were. ("They know you are vulnerable.")

He actually seems to only be upset about the coronation AFTER Odin makes it very clear he's decided to change his mind and rescind the crown from him entirely ... which only further fuels the point that Thor isn't ready. (aka: the one thing Thor is keenly aware of, scared of, and is scared the Frost Giants also know.) Which, you know, he's not at that point in time, but I don't see a lot of people talk about the details of that particular inciting incident all that much.

(honestly the ENTIRE text and subtext of the frozen vault scene absolutely FASCINATES ME so maybe I'll do a deep dive on it one day idk)

Song SONGS I associate with them: ... //looks at my 5-minutes-until-13 hr playlist uh...

Glowing, Boreas, and Rounds by The Oh Hellos

Plant Life, The Real World, and Bird with a Broken Wing by Owl City

No Sanctuary by UNSECRET (ft. Sam Tinnesz and Fleurie)

Afterglow and Places by Portrair

Paper and Ink (fosterson) and Everything Changes in Time (brodinsons) by Madds Buckley ... also Hoping on Another Life by Madds Buckley

Favorite picture of them:

//pulls out my entire dark world screenshots folder bc are you really going to make me choose, quirks, are you really going to make me choose

soft beautiful 🥺🥺🥺🥺 precious boy ... give me more of that poncho look tho thanks

Tagging: @darkwee009 for pinkie pie or for kirby ! :D whichever you'd like more, friend !!!

[catgirl-catboy]

Oh my god! I know he was the traitor! I felt smart now. For now I call CC Robin because of his deceit and ways of preventing the hurt reminded me Robin Hood. So hello there, Robin. I felt always suspicious about you.

Oh my god.. Mika and Valerie's relationship is way more tragic than Ishimondo in a way.. Do they have feelings for eachother or just Mika have one sided crush on her? Because I think Mika seems bit.. lovesick.

And fuck I didnt expect her to be culprit in chapter 3 but chapter 3 is always the key part of the story to resolve other secrets, isnt it?

Bob killing Aiden made me ship them. I'm a mess for killer x victim ships!

And oh my fucking god? Mika's life was horrible and only thing who makes her sane taken away from her like that? This is.. cruel!

I adore it!

What happened to the amnesiac boy?

Honestly, thats up for debate since Val was all "I've never thought about romance before due to only living for my SHSL, but now that I've gonna die maybe I should kiss someone". I don't think she was interested in Tom much as a person, but that could change.

As for Mika, I don't think she's self aware enough to understand if she's feeling romantic feelings or platonic feelings or familial feelings. She just feels something positive, and goes "hmm. thats unusual." Her parents told her that Val would start looking down on her if she told the truth, while Val was insecure when she measured herself up against the "nothing bothers me and I do not fail" image Mika presents. Val asked Mika to be more open about his plans, but when Mika did that in Ch2 she was shocked and thought him heartless for having a hand in the death of his own dad.

I don't think he's a good character morally, but he turned out a lot better than his parents, and some of his "wtf" behavior makes slightly more sense. He doesn't get why they're complaining, since for him this is just a Tuesday. His mom treats human life like a puzzle, so he tries to too, but gets mad upset when its a person she knows. And, of course, she was never really in it for herself.

As for Bob x Aiden, Aiden totally told Mika to lay off Bob a couple of times, for shipping crumbs. And Aiden is the sort thats nice to everyone, (he wants to make friends) while Bob was a semi-harmless Cukolander until he snapped.

As for Mika, in Ch4 she does a Reverse Taka and puts on a pretty impressive mask of sanity and "nothing bothers me", as she does. This causes more people to target her (as is her plan >:)) Val told her to save everyone (well, she said to try to save everyone, but same thing) so she will.

The amnesiac is still quite attached to Celene, and trying to figure out what kind of life he lives. He hit it off with the male figure skater, due to them having similar personalities, and plan to learn skating when they escape. (the skaters are a mirror to Val and Mika, if they had slightly better communication. They learn to be less codependent, while Val and Mika just imploded, almost taking everyone down with them.) He had one of the lower murder idea counts in Ch3, which he shrugs off as not being affected by the motive. To an extent, he's a somewhat neutral party.

He becomes highly relevant in Ch4, actually! Alas, he dies.

[dojimakojima]

One of the most frustrating things in this world, is telling someone about a thing you like and care about, only for them to not even pretend to care a little bit.

My mother does this sometimes. I try to think ahead of all my conversations, if I tell someone about a game/youtuber I'm really fixated on, I try to think ahead and make a "list of points" to go over if I end up talking about it. Really, I'm trying to make the conversation as interesting as possible for the other person, its selfish, because if I do a good enough job, then maybe they'll check it out too, and I'll have someone to talk about it with.

Me and my friends have similar tastes in media, so talking to them about something, even if they aren't interested in it directly, they're interested in me, and in the things I'm passionate about and are willing to listen. I try to keep my tangents short and organized, so they aren't stuck talking about it forever. So it feels good. I used to be way worse, to be clear, and I wouldn't be able to stop talking about one thing for weeks, but now I'm able to control it better.

I try bringing up something I like to my mother and often she just... rolls right past me. If I don't get an abrupt subject change out of disinterest from her, I'll probably get a "just get to the point". It's really frustrating because I try coming up with ways I can share the things I like, in the most abstractified, short (<2mins), interesting way possible and she doesn't bother reaching out to try and listen. I even preface them with "Can I tell you about something I like/game I've been playing/show I've been watching", and she often just says "No, I'm tired" in a stern tone. There's never a time when she isn't tired.

On the other hand, multiple times I've gone to get water/food from my kitchen and have run into my mother in the middle of watching one of her reality dating shows (Usually Single's Inferno, or Love Is Blind). Often, she pauses and unprompted, tells me about what's going on. I try to follow along the best I can and ask questions to show I'm interested. Even on harder days where I can't pay attention as well, I ask more basic questions to try and show her I'm interested, as she describes a season's worth of TV. Often she goes on for 30+ minutes. Eventually I have to say "I have people waiting for me/I have work/I can't talk right now" but I try to hear her out for as long as possible because I am trying to be interested. Sometimes, I'll ask her for updates because she lights up when she talks about her favorite shows. But she can't seem to extend the courtesy of even listening to the things I like.

And its sort of frustrating because I feel so passionate about something, and she doesn't seem to even want to be aware of the things I'm thinking about all day. One time I said two and half sentences describing a game I liked "I've been playing this very interesting game recently called The 25th ward. You follow three storylines. All about people trying to solve a mysterious murder that happens at the beginning of the story, detectives, hitmen and a journali-". Halfway through the word "Journalist", she asked me if I had any work I needed to do in an annoyed tone.

Edit: Because of moments like this, I only end up actually talking about the things I like and am obsessed with, very rarely with my mother. My friends know I've spent the majority of the year consummed by ActionButton/Tim Rogers' videos and essays, and I talk about him all of the time with my friends. I converted one friend into a semi-fan, who watched the Boku video with me, and the other friend doesn't like his style, but is patient with me. I've only brought him up like three times to my mother, one of which was because I ordered a shirt from him that was coming in the mail. Because the one time I watched a video in the same room as her, she called him annoying, and when I told her about his hyperthymesia, she said, "I think he's a liar, he's definitely lying about that." In that "100% positive, you'd have to be really stupid to believe that" tone, only my mother could do. It just made me feel so small. Even if that were the case, she couldn't even pretend to care, or just listen?

[wannabegwenstacy]

Eden's Favorite Fic's (BTS Fic Recs)

Updated Version: Here!

Note: In the past I haven't indulged in tumblr fics often but I recently (past 3 months) have been reading quite regularly & am planning on branching out a bit. To keep track of the ones that I have enjoyed & the ones that I have even came back to I'm making this list. Again, I haven't been digging into the tumblr fics world for long so for right now its a very short list. I'm hoping with time I can get more fics of different types on here (btsxbts, some gender neutral xreader ones, & more ones that I genuinely like)

About me to understand what's going to be on here:

Age: 21 (99' liner)

Sexuality: Bisexual

Pronouns: She/Her

Ult Bias: Yoongi

Trio: Rap Line

I am OT7. I do enjoy smut but don't think it is necessary to FF. Overall I just want a well-crafted plot that makes sense. I read for entertainment & to escape. But I still need some form of realism (just me personally) to follow the trail of events. PSA: I'm trying to find a broader scope of writers I like but for right now I don't have many. There are gonna be some repetitive writers for now.

______________________________________________________________

Kim Namjoon:

- Librarian Namjoon Universe by @jungshookz

Beauty & the Bookworm (I love this concept SO MUCH)

Pairing: Cute, Good Boy, Nerdy, University Librarian Namjoon x Bratty, Semi-Popular, Procrastinator, University Student Reader

Word count: 20.8k

Summary: You're a procrastinator big time and you may or may not be failing. To get some extra credit you begrudgingly take the library assistant opening where you work under strict dorky Namjoon. Passive aggressiveness, cuteness, fluff, & some smuttiness arises.

Jealous-Boyfriend-Librarian Namjoon (Drabble)

Pairing: Jealous Boyfriend Librarian Namjoon x Oblivious Cute Girlfriend Uni Student Reader

Word count: 3.4k

Summary: You take an Art History Course and end up needing a tutor. Joon offers to tutor you but he doesn't know shit about Art History so you end up getting tutored by an ArtHoe Taehyung that may or may not like you but you are oblivious to this and Joon gets super jealous.

Kim Seokjin:

- Hockey Player Jin by @ve1vetyoongi

HEART OF GOLD (BLADES OF ICE)

Pairing: Sweet Hot New Hockey Player in Town Jin x Ex-Figure Skater (who has a history with jin) Reader

Word count: 20k

Summary: After a fall during figure skating practice dashes your dreams of competing at nationals, you vow to hang up your skates for good. That is until you cross paths with Kim Seokjin, captain of the ice hockey team, who is determined to get you back out on the rink and melt the ice in your heart. (Jimin is a bully in this and their other k-pop idols as characters. Very Very Fluffy and Hallmark Christmas Movie-ish so be aware of that. Overall, it's just cute :) )

Min Yoongi:

Note: these are all but one by the same writer @jungshookz & are written from the pov of a female reader. I'm gonna try to find some gender-neutral fics but for now, if you are female-identifying I really enjoyed these! :)

- Mechanic Yoongi Universe by @jungshookz

Baby, You Can Drive My Car (My favorite AU Fics I've read so far on Tumblr!!)

Pairing: Tatted, Mic Drop Era, Mechanic Min Yoongi x Spoiled Rich, Inexperienced, University Student Reader

Word count: 24.6k

Summary: Welcome to Min Mechanics - What can I do for you today, doll?

Maybe She Can Drive His Car

Pairing: Oblivious, Hot, Boyfriend, Mechanic Min Yoongi x Adorable, Spoiled, University Student, Jealous Girlfriend Reader

Word count: 11.6k

Summary: Yoongi's ex is back in town for a visit and you would be lying if you said you weren't slightly envious of a) how knowledgeable she is about stupid cars and b) how well she gets along with literally everyone.

- Uni Yoongi x Nerdy Reader (mini series) by @jungshookz

Note: these are all drabbles I'm gonna link my favorites in the series. I'll probably add more later.

Cocky Uni Student Yoongi x Nerdy Reader:

^^This is the start of the mini-series, recommend you read it first!^^

The One with the Scrunchie:

Contains: smut, a super cute scrunchie turning into a kink of sorts, slightly insecure Yoongi, experienced Yoongi, slightly inexperienced reader, shy about their own body reader.

Yoongi always had an Overactive Imagination:

Contains: talking about sex, implied smut, reader trying to be productive while also being horny, Yoongi being super distracted and horny.

"I'm gonna need you to shut up now please"

- CEO Yoongi Universe by @jungshookz

Suit&Tie (First Fic in the series)

Pairing: CEO Min Yoongi x Secretary Reader

Wordcount: 21k+

Summary: Young Intimidating Hot CEO Yoongi, Clumsy Secretary Y/N who loves Sugar, Best Friend Jimin. Funny Awkward Meeting that sets up the whole plot, was like reading a Kdrama in book form.

The One Where Augst D makes a Comeback (Favorite Fic in the series)

SPOILERS READ PRIOR DRABBLES TO CATCH UP!! (I recommend The First Date, The One Where Yoongi is Just a Little Jealous, The Proposal, The Wedding, Baby Makes Three, Baby Min's Timeline, The Birth of Baby Min, Daddy's Little Girl, Who the Hell is Augst D.

Pairing: CEO Min Yoongi x Secretary Reader

Word count: 6.5k

Summary: Yoongi finds out you faked an orgasm and he's going to gi-give it to you more ways than one.

- Demon Yoongi by @jungshookz

Hellish (I got some feelings for incubus Yoongi not gonna lie)

Pairing: Bratty, Super Sexy, Sex Demon, Mint Min Yoongi x University Student, Non-Supernatural Believer Reader

Word count: 22.1k

Summary: Jungkook is your clueless, energetic best friend. Wonho is a character in this fic, You are dragged into summoning a demon one night by your overly excited to be summoning a demon? best friend Jungkook. Spooky but Kind of Sexy Shit Happens! (This is probably my second favorite Yoongi Fic I've read!)

- Basketball Captain Yoongi by @jungshookz

Basketball Captain Yoongi

Pairing: Cocky, Popular, Charming Captain of the Basketball Team Min Yoongi x Water girl University Student Reader (who has been crushing on Yoongi hard for some time)

Word count: 18.4k

Summary: Jungkook is your athletic bro of a best friend that signs you up to be his replacement as the water boy (girl in this case) after he makes the team. You have had a pathetic schoolgirl crush on Yoongi for a while and is basically the only reason you agreed to be the water girl aside from spending time with Jungkook. It's fluffy & smutty!

- Android Yoongi @jungshookz

Technologically in love (..I cried! but I also smiled a lot so you know this is well written)

Pairing: Personal Assistant Prototype but SUPER Lifelike Android Min Yoongi x Messy, Junkfood, & Cartoons Loving Reader (basically your early 20s living alone kind of vibe)

Word count: 24k+

Summary: You live in a Detroit Becoming Human type universe but prior to a lot of the advancements. Androids are already a thing but not to the level the M1N Y00NG1 is yet. You are best friends with all the boys and they happen to be engineers which is how you ended up with Yoongi in the first place. Namjoon created Yoongi as a personal assistant prototype android & you are told to live with him. Things get fluffy, SUPER ANGSTY, and super smutty!

- Listen Closely by @avveh

Listen Closely ( sexiest Yoongi fic I have read so far, I kept wanting to go back and read again)

Pairing: Tsundere Office Worker Min Yoongi x Hardworking Office Worker Reader

Word count: 12.2k

Summary: Unintentionally, you stumble upon something that makes you view your coworker Min Yoongi in a whole new light. (SMUT 18+: Masturbation, voyeurism, exhibitionism, breathplay, spanking, degrading names.)

Jung Hoseok:

- Secret Boyfriend Hoseok by @kpopfanfictrash

Keeping a Secret (this took me places...Idk about you but I have trouble finding really good Hoseok fics and this one was perfect. One of my favorite fics on this website)

Pairing: New Relationship Dom Hoseok x New Relationship Tease Reader

Word count: 3.7k

Summary: You and Hoseok have been hooking up for a few weeks now. No one in your friend group knows. What happens then, when he shows up at movie night looking better than anticipated? SMUT!

- Studio Sex Hoseok by @joonbird

Studio:

Pairing: Boyfriend BTS Hoseok x Girlfriend Reader

Word Count: 5k

Summary: Hoseok is stressed about his upcoming mixtape, so you decide to swing by his studio and help him relax. (Hobi being the beautiful glorious sexy man he is and putting those ungodly hips to use!)

Park Jimin:

- Jimin and His Pregnancy Kink by @boymeetsweevil

ME, YOU, AND THIS THING WE HAVE BETWEEN US (NSFW)

Pairing: Sweet Caring Domestic but Horny Jimin x Pregnant Hormonal Reader

Word count:~3.7k

Warnings (aka what to prepare for): everything is graphic and gross lmao, blowjobs (face f*cking), boob job (not the one w/ silicon inserts), cunnilingus, dom!jimin if u squint, cumplay if u squint again, dirty talk/degrading language, penetrative sex (doggy style), unprotected sex, PREGNANCY KINK that’s a big one

Summary: You’re pregnant and Jimin is…happy about it (If I remember correctly this one is 25% cute domestic Jimin trying to calm his hormonal pregnant partner and 75% pure filth aka Jimin having a pregnancy kink and trying to hide it but not well at all. This is however my ultimate fav Jimin smut I have ever read!)

- Crush/Neighbor Jimin by @sketchguk

Lover to Lean On: (I absolutely adore this fic. Overall it's just really well written and I felt like I was watching a show in my head rather than reading a short Tumblr fic. Highly recommend it!)

Pairing: Cute Customer & Neighbor Jimin x Florist Reader

Word Count: 19.9k

Summary: For months, you can hear your no-face neighbor and his ‘girlfriend’ singing and dancing and laughing and falling in love. Above all, you can hear their bed banging against your shared wall, and they won’t ever let you sleep. You’d much rather stay up at night worrying about your own problems, like the weight of an unrequited crush, so of course, you’re bitterly single. But one day, the apartment is radio silent. And one day slowly turns into one week and then into an immeasurable amount of time since you’ve heard his laugh. So on Valentine’s Day, when you’re missing it the most, you beg your neighbor to open up to you with cookies in one hand and two broken hearts in the other.

Kim Taehyung:

-Roommate Taehyung Universe by @jungshookz

Stuck with You

Pairing: Frat Bro bit of an asshole Roommate Kim Taehyung x Clean Organized bit of a Pushover Reader

Word count: 37k

Summary: Kim Taehyung becoming your new roommate is definitely up there on the list of the worst things to ever happen to you. Librarian Namjoon is your Best friend and ex-roommate. Frat bro Jeon Jungkook makes an appearance. There is so smut and implied smut.

The One with the One Year Anniversary (Drabble)

Pairing: The cutest domestic boyfriend Kim Taehyung x girlfriend reader

Word count: 4.6k

Summary: NO SPOILERS! so I'm going to give you a quote: "well, um, look! I made breakfast for you. f-for us!" Also, SFW

Jeon Jungkook:

- Gamer Jungkook by @softyoongiionly

PRESS START (this is the cutest fucking smut type fic I have ever read! it is so pure and is the exact type of relationship I want! IT MADE ME SIMP SO HARD!) gender-neutral I believe!

Pairing: Night owl Gamer Domestic Boyfriend Jeon Jungkook x Witty Domestic Cutesy Relationship Reader

Word count: 5.5k

Summary: A night in with your boyfriend Jungkook includes all kinds of things: anime, witty banter, snacks from 7-Eleven and, you know, sex. (GREAT READ!! I AM A SIMP FOR THIS FIC!!)

[haddonfieldproject]

<<PREVIOUS⏺<<CONTENTS>>

WARREN COUNTY/CARPENTER COUNTY LINE, ILLINOIS

Twenty Seven Hours Later

“Oh god!” The Governor turned from the Mustang with a hand over her mouth, her face suddenly pale.

“Oh jesus fuck!”

She took off across the roadway, running has fast as her flats would carry her. One of those shiny black shoes slipped on the wet asphault causing her to teeter, but she did not fall. She reached the tall wet grass on the opposite side of the road, bent, and proceeded to vomit in the ditch there. Salazar hurried after her.

Meeker and McGrath gave each other a tired look, and then looked back to the wreck. They barely noticed the white truck pull up behind them and Fred Colbourne hop out. A siren wailed in front of them as another Carpenter County Fire Department vehicle joined the other one and ejected six or seven more fire fighters in full yellow and orange regalia.

McGrath pointed to the crumpled body which lay in the middle of the road, atop the white lines.

“That's definitely Lloyd Chumway there,” he said morosely, “And this one here in the drivers seat...that's Lee.”

Meeker spit. “Pretty well intact, considering.”

“Well, they were in a pretty nice truck.” McGrath said, glancing over to the Governor who had now dropped to her knees. Salazar held her gently by the shoulders. She was still wretching.

“It's Booger's truck,” Meeker replied softly.

“The cook from the diner? The one with his head in the..”

Meeker cut him off, “Yep.”

“What about the kids in the Mustang? Can you ID them?” McGrath asked, walking around to the other side of the orange sports-car.

“Well,” Meeker took a deep breath, “This is Brad Doyle's mustang. He's pretty well known by the police around here. Not a bad kid.” He spit again, “But not a very good one either.”

McGrath's eyes panned across the headless torso in the driver's seat clad in a blood soaked Code Orange shirt. Bits of blood, bone, and brain lay all over the steel bumper of the truck which had completley intruded upon the cab of the Mustang. Some of it belonged to Brad, some belonged to the mess of a carcass that lay in the center of the car beside him. There was nothing but a heap of blood, skin, bones, and some sort of leopard print clothing. Another crumpled body lay in the backseat. Young female, her head turned around the wrong way on her neck. She was missing her legs.

“Do you know these other two occupants?” McGrath asked.

“The one in the backseat is Kyndra Bailey. I'm guessing this one,” he gulped as he looked over the tattered remains, “this one is probably Zoey Gonland, her girlfriend. They liked to hang out with Brad.”

McGrath looked up from the other side of the car, “More trouble makers?”

“They were good kids. A little bit of the talk of the town, but good kids.”

McGrath shook his head, “I don't follow.”

“A high school lesbian couple in a small town like this. Everyone knows them.”

“Jesus God Almighty,” Fred Colbourne said as he stepped up to the wreck beside them.

Another man, this one tall and thin with short brown hair, a yellow polo shirt and khaki pants also appeared beside them. Meeker looked at him. The man extended his hand.

“I'm Shelton Ganoux, the Carpenter County Medical Examiner. They called for me as soon as they arrived.” The man said, nodding a head to the fire fighters who were laboring around the wreck of the semi-truck and ambulance.

“And we here in Warren County greatly appreciate your help,” Meeker said, shaking the young man's hand firmly. “We've had one hell of a night over here and our boys are a little tied up.”

Ganoux half-bowed his head, “So I've heard.”

“What the hell happened out here,” Colbourne asked.

The Governor and Salazar re-appeared next to them. The Governor pulled a kleenex from her pantsuit pocket and dabbed at her mouth.

“It appears we have two separate accidents, occurring within about an hour and a half of each other. The orange sports-car, the truck, and the tractor trailer incident occurred at around six o'clock this morning, while the ambulance seems to have collided with the tractor trailer at around seven thirty.”

“Makes sense,” Meeker mumbled.

“What?” Colbourne asked, “What makes sense.”

“It looks like Mustang was behind the tractor trailer and went to try and pass him when they struck the Chumway Brothers in the truck coming from the opposite direction.” McGrath said.

Meeker's phone began to vibrate in his pants. He pulled it out, hit the green button on the screen, and stuck it to his ear.

“Meeker!” He barked. The voice that answered was gruff.

“Hey Deputy, it's Lorne Appleby.”

“Who?”

“Appleby, from Protective Services.”

“Oh right. Well?”

“Nothing yet. I'm gonna head to the hotel room for some shut eye. Miss. Cromer should be back in a few hours. Just wanted to keep you abreast of the...”

“Mrs. who?”

“Cromer...Ellen Cromer...from DCF.”

Meeker rubbed his forehead. “Aww yeah..right right. I'm sorry Appleby, I got a million things going on right now.”

“I know, I know. Like I said, just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation.”

“Who do I got over there now?”

“Officer Chang just left, Officer Stanton just arrived, two other officers in a squad car just went on patrol an hour or so ago...forgive me, I don't remember their names.”

Meeker adjusted the phone from one ear to the other. “Oh right, that's Warner and Farnsworth I think.”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, keep me posted.”

“Will do.”

Meeker ended the call.

“Who was that?” Fred asked.

“Guy from Protective Services about Maddie Keane.”

“Still haven't found her?” Colbourne asked.

Meeker shook his head and waved at the wreckage in front of him. “And if it wasn't for all this shit and everything else I'd have every god damn cop out there looking for her.”

Fred patted his friend's back. “I know Bengie. I know. You're doing the best you can.”

They were quiet for awhile and Ben took some deep breaths to gather his thoughts.

“You know what I'm wondering?” Colbourne asked after some time had passed.

“What's that?” Ben replied quietly.

“How in the world did no one around here hear a wreck like that?”

“Well the only ones out here are Reverend Taylor over there,” he pointed to his right, to a house on the top of a hill, “and Amos Yoder. Amos claims to have been woken up by the second accident, he's talking to the state troopers now.” he pointed to his left, toward a dirt road leading down to a quaint little farmhouse with a big red barn. An Amish man was indeed standing along side the curb next to his driveway talking to an Illinois State Trooper who was dictating his statement on a clipboard.

“Amos said he slept right through the first accident, and I've known Kevin Taylor for years, we had sleep overs together when we were kids. He has to sleep with some kind of noise. He always brought a sound machine to my house, annoying little shit.” Meeker continued, “He sleeps with a box-fan I think. He probably couldn't hear a frieght train coming through his living room.”

“Besides that it was still raining at six o'clock this morning,” Ganoux said, “the sound of the storm could have muffled much of the noise.”

“I just can't believe Gary Windorf didn't see the over-turned tractor trailer.” Colbourne said, gesturing to the ambulance. Gary Windorf had been the driver.

“We told him to haul ass,” Meeker sighed, “it was still dark and raining.”

“Plus he was coming up from over this hill,” McGrath added, waving at the rise in the road behind them.

The Governor cleared her throat. “So we have the Chumway brothers here...where the hell is Myers? Is he in the back of that ambulance where he belongs?”

“Who is Myers?” Ganoux asked.

“Objective number one,” Meeker replied, “Big guy, jumpsuit..”

“The guy with the mask, kinda toasty?”

“That'd be him,” McGrath nodded.

“He's over there.” Ganoux pointed. Three firefighters crouched beside a body near the tree line. The figure was face down in the mud only a few feet from the trailer of Gabriel Couture's truck. “It appears the patient was thrown from the ambulance.”

“But he's dead?” Meeker asked.

“Very much so. He hit a tree in mid air.” Ganoux replied.

“He was dead before he was even put in the ambulance,” Colbourne grunted.

“Well, I can't tell that. I'd need to do a full autopsy to do that.” Ganoux said.

“Forget that,” The Governor spat, “Get his ass in a body bag and let's get it back to the High School. Get all these bodies over there so we can...”

She was interrupted by the sound of approaching vehicles. The whole party turned as a black GMC Van pulled up behind the firetrucks. In the distance, it looked as if the van had been followed by a train of semi-trucks. The truck tractors where plain white with no lettering, while the trailers were gray, and also blank. The hiss of the parking brakes sounded off one at a time.

The doors of the GMC Van opened. Several almost identical looking Caucasian men in black suits stepped out. They seemed to be led by another man, who had climbed out of the passenger side of the van. He was older than the others, judging by the gray in his hair.

The older gentlemen stepped up and extended his hand to the Governor.

“Governor Harris?” He asked simply.

“I am,” The Governor replied, taking his hand.

“I'm Dick Spencer, Director of the Disaster Mortuary Operational Response Team for Region Five.”

“How do you do?” The Governor asked with a forced smile. “This is Deputy McGrath of the---”

Spencer cut her off and pulled a piece of paper from the inside breast pocket of his coat, “Did you request Federal Response?”

“Yes sir, we've had a bad night in this town---” The Governor started but again, Spencer cut her off.

“And you are fully aware that in so doing, you have allowed the Department of Homeland Security to begin to conduct an investigation into the order, as to the reasons why such an order would be placed pursuant to Guideline 542, section B, article F?”

The Governor looked at Meeker and then to McGrath, who took the roll of papers from Agent Spencer. “Yes sir..I am aware of the...”

“Excellent then,” Spencer looked down at the papers and began to thumb through them, “I have two affidavits for your law enforcement officers here to fill out. They must be in precise detail as to the events that transpired over the night , and why you would need to place an order for a portable refrigeration unit for casualty victims.” He looked at McGrath, “You need to fill one out as does this local officer...Officer----???”

Meeker took one of the papers, “Deputy Sheriff Ben Meeker.”

“Meeker,” Spencer nodded, “I also have a battery of questions we need to go over, but first I have three questions.”

McGrath took the other paper, “Yeah, shoot.”

“Do you or do you not want to be a big pain in my ass today?” Spencer asked.

McGrath laughed in spite of himself. “What?”

“I'm not aware that I said anything amusing Agent?” Spencer replied, cutting a look to Meeker and then back at McGrath, “Do you want to be a big pain in my ass today?”

“No sir,” McGrath replied.

Spencer looked back at Meeker, “Do you want to be a big pain in my ass Deputy Sheriff?”

“No sir,” Meeker replied.

“Excellent,” Spencer said, “Now let's get something straight. I don't want to be here, okay?”

Meeker and McGrath nodded.

“You are aware that last night was Halloween?” Spencer asked.

Meeker and McGrath looked at one another, not sure how to answer. McGrath was brave enough to try. “Well—yes...”

“Do little girls and boys play dress up on Halloween?” Spencer asked.

The two men looked at each other again and then replied in unison: “Yes sir,”

“You know who else plays dress up?”

Meeker and McGrath looked at each other a third time and then back at Spencer and shook their heads.

“Russian mail order brides play dress up,” Spencer said matter-of-factly. “Just hours ago, I was playing dress up with my Russian mail order bride, and you can imagine what kind of activities proceed playing dress up and drinking Vodka and 7-Up all night. And you can imagine how doing these things would be very taxing for a man my age, couldn't you?”

“Yes sir,” the men replied.

“I would like nothing better than to be back in my bed, in my Chicago penthouse, with Katya on my ‪Saturday morning‬. But instead, I'm called out to this piss-ant little town in the Storm-of-the-fuckin'-century. You can imagine how that would put me in a bad mood, correct?”

“Yes sir,” the men agreed.

“If there is any thing between those two affidavits that doesn't match up, or if there is anything that has transpired in this town that isn't cherry, or if the two of you aren't one hundred percent crystal clear and straight with me and obedient to my will like two little golden retriever puppy dogs, I will have Washington DC on my ass, and I don't want ‪Washington DC‬ on my ass for anything, and that will turn you into a big pain in the ass for me, and we don't want that now do we?”

“No sir,” they responded.

“I want to get this over with so I can go back home and enjoy my weekend, got it?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good,” Spencer pointed to the trucks, “Second question,” he said, “Where is the mobile refrigeration unit going to be erected?”

McGrath stuttered and looked at Meeker.

Meeker swallowed and said, “Best place I guess would be the parking lot of the high school...we've already set up a field---.”

“You guess?” Spencer stammered.

“Yes sir,” The Governor cut in, “The parking lot of the High School is where we want it.”

“What high school? I need a name people! I need an address!” Spencer's volume level went up a notch.

“It's Haddonfield High School, on the corner of Belmont and Main Street,” Meeker said.

“Well is it Belmont or Main Street?!” Spencer nearly roared.

“‪248 Belmont Avenue‬,” Meeker responded calmly.

“Got it,” one of the accompanyng men in black suits said quietly, and then they all turned to walk toward the first truck.

“Third question,” Spencer said, his volume level returning to normal, “is there a police station in this god-forsaken town that we conduct business in, or do we rednecks like to stand out in the road and play with our dicks in front of a bunch of mangled car accident victims?”

“I have two of my boys setting up a big tent in the parking lot of the hospital. That's gonna be ground zero for now until that scene gets under control and we can shift everything to the high school.” Meeker replied.

“The tent we use for the exhibitions on fair days and stuff. The recruitment tent?” Colbourne asked.

“Exactly. Herman Beach and Chris Huber are grabbing it from the storage unit. They should be there any minute. We should probably get over there now, I think we're done here.”

“That sounds like a fantastic idea,” Spencer said, turning back toward his vehicle. “There better be coffee.”

The Governor piped up, “Don't you have a Mayor in this town somewhere? Someone is gonna have to talk to the press!”

Meeker winced.

NEXT>> (Coming Soon)

[ramblingaboutthings]

Hard | Draco Malfoy

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x reader

Word count: 3.5 kkkkkk LIKE WHAT?

Summary: here

A/n: this contains swear words, blood and a lot of mistakes, but I got so excited and got too carried away. I warn you, I changed A LOT of things and I'm kind of not sorry for that.

Also TUMBLR HERE decided to delete my draft and I had to correct it again so sorry if it sucks, it's 00:40 here and I'm going crazy.

It'd been a stressful day, you went to Hogsmeade and someone put some strange spell on a poor girl. No one really knew who did it. But everyone was getting strange vibes from it.

So he created some kind of project, once a month a student from each house was selected to move temporarily into another house, to avoid internal conflicts.

That night, was a special one for Hogwarts.

Dumbledore wanted the school to be united, every house had to say goodbye to rivalries.

And that day was one of those times, Dumbledore was going to announce who the lucky students were.

You at dinner, in the great hall, with your Hufflepuff friends.

"Hey Black, are you okay?" One of them asked, noticing you spacing out and only earning a death glare, as a response from you.

Those days, you'd been in a bad mood and the fact that your dad's died not so long before didn't help at all, he was everything she had.

And now he was gone, leaving his only child alone.

Sirius Black didn't even know he had a daughter until his high school girlfriend showed up at the Potter's door one night with a little girl in her arms, the love of Sirius' life, before disappearing.

He later discovered he wasn't your real father but he still loved you like he was. Then we all know what happened next.

He'd raised you until he was accused of homicide and taken to Azkaban.

You only got to see him for two years, after he escaped the prison.

And after they finally got to be in each other's lives again, Harry came up to her, one night, and told you he was dead. You were angry, sad, frustrated... not even a last goodbye, he was just gone. After that you simply locked yourself up in your room and got out only to go to class.

Until that day.

You hoped you could finally spend your next month away from the Hufflepuffs, they knew too much about you and you needed a fresh start.

They were good friends of course, but you wanted to be free for that whole month.

You glanced over the Gryffindor table to find Harry mirroring your sad look, but Dumbledore coughed to get your attention making you turn around quickly.

"Today, my dear students, if you're lucky enough, you'll be experiencing a new thing, you'll get to know other mentalities, other personalities so please listen here. For the slytherin house, Pansy Parkinson will go to the Gryffindors" a loud mix of groans erupted from the gold and red table, interrupted his speech. But he just ignored it.

"Hermione Granger, we all are aware of your intelligence, so you're staying with the Ravenclaws.

Miss Lovegood, you're staying with the Hufflepuffs" your table cheered, you all loved her.

Your smile faded when you realized, one of the Hufflepuffs was going to be a Slytherin for four whole weeks. And for some reason you knew for sure you were going to be that one.

"Miss Black, all your family comes from Slytherin witches and wizards so I thought you could try and understand what being one of them is really like" you groaned as your suspicion got real, and lowered your head while a dozen of people from the Slytherin table were clapping.

You gazed around your table only to find shocked faces, someone even glared at you.

'Fuck this' you thought before walking toward the Slytherins.

One of them, Deneb was her name, -you recognized her from divination class- called you from the table, and you were more than happy she did, because you two got along just great, and it would've been awkward sitting beside someone you didn't know.

"So, you're the new Slytherin uh? I'm glad it's you Y/n, come on sit down." She invited you.

You glanced around to study everyone's faces but they were like stone, no emotions.

You sat between Den and the most handsome boy you'd ever seen, Draco Malfoy, he'd grown up so much since you'd last seen him. But his signature smirk wasn't plastered on his face as usual, in it's place there was a thin line, his lips sealed in a neutral expression.

"Hey Malfoy" you greeted kindly.

"Shut up half-" he said harshly,interrupting himself trying to insult you.

"He's not been himself lately, usually he's not that bad, you all always judge him, but he's sweet with the people he fancies" Den explained, and you did believe her, because you saw the good in every person and he flooded with kindness. You noticed how his eyes sparkled before a quidditch match, his soft sneaky smiles that grew onto his face whenever he got a spell right. You knew he was a soft boy, he just liked to think that it made him weak so he covered it all up.

As you met his gaze you noticed his bright grey eyes were dark and full of sadness that made you smile softly. Just the fact that he was trying to insult you made you feel sick.

"I'm not sweet" he stated, probably less convincingly than he thought.

"It's okay Draco, I don't want to argue" you clarified. His expression changed for a quick second, before going back to his stone-face self.

He liked that you called him Draco, it made him feel like you liked him for who he was, not Malfoy, not the Slytherin prince, just Draco.

And that was exactly your intention, to make him feel like someone actually cared.

After that little conversation, everyone in the big hall started to leave to go to their dorms.

Some of your house walked right in front of you giving you sad smiles, Harry, Ron and Hermione even gave Draco death stares.

You knew he had been an ass in the past years, you knew he wasn't the nicest when it came to words, but he wasn't what the others said he was.

Or maybe it was your big crush on him speaking for you. Yeah, probably.

"I'm going to sleep. Malfoy? Show her where's our room" she said.

Draco gave her a hint of a smile that almost made you feel uncomfortable.

'No Y/n you're not jealous, stop' you thought.

"Draco, uhm- so you and Den-?" Draco let out a semi-genuine laugh, before you even completed your sentence.

"She's not my girlfriend Y/n, I don't like her, she's like my cousin, she is my father's cousin's daughter, you're probably kind of her relative too" he explained, and you suddenly felt stupid.

"I'm not your cousin Draco, I'm not a real Black, dad- Sirius just gave me his last name" his lips parted slightly at your confession.

"You're not a Black? Y- he adopted you? Like- oh sorry I don't want to make you uncomfortable" he said quickly. A chuckle escaped your lips.

"It's fine, my mom abandoned me, I only know Voldemort killed her and she was a half-blood and so was my real father, who died as well. Professor Lupin was the one who raised me for twelve years, but I've only ever cared about Sirius, he was the best thing in my life even if for a short time. " you confessed, he smiled sadly, his gaze burning on your face.

You didn't know why you trusted him, but for some reason, you did.

"You know, my father uhm- made me do horrible things, but he's family, I don't want to disappoint him" he confessed reluctantly.

Later he'd invited you to his room, he seemed to have loosened up a little bit, while you entered his dorm.

A green and silver scarf was hung on the wall with his last name on it. His bed was perfectly made, no wrinkles, just a smooth green blanket.

To say you were impressed was an understatement.

You smiled at him "so that's why you hide your good part uh?" he nodded.

He just suddenly wrapped his arms around you tightly. You made him feel alive again. He missed the feeling, it was like a deja vu from last year, when you found him crying in a hidden corner when without saying anything, you hugged him, lettinghis speak.

"You're not that bad for an Hufflepuff you know?" He smirked. His first signature smirk of the year, just for you!

"And you're not that bad for a Slytherin either" you laughed.

"I missed physical contact, I-I uhm- it's not very common in the Malfoy manor, to get all cuddly I mean" his chest vibrated with his embarassed laugh that filled your ears as you memorized that beautiful and harmonic sound.

"You're so warm" you said, obviously blushing. Thank you dark night!

"And you're a freezing Hufflepuff" he pulled away much to your dismay and took something out of his wardrobe.

He handed you a green hoodie with a basilisk on the front and the name "Malfoy" on the back.

"I can't accept-"

"It's yours Y/n. Now if you excuse me I have to go somewhere, I'll show you where you're going to sleep" he grabbed your hand, not even realizing it, and took you with him to another corridor, a wooden door with a sign was suddenly in front of us, 'Pansy and Deneb' it read.

You were too zoned out to really comprehend what was going on, but suddenly your hand felt cold, extremely cold. You looked at it, disappointment clearly written all over your face.

"I'm sorry... for you know, taking your hand and everything" he said before walking away, without even waiting for an answer.

You opened the door in front of you and found Den sitting on what you assumed was her bed.

When she spotted you, she smiled.

"Did you do it?" Your cheeks flushed at your not so holy thoughts. You shook your head 'no daydreaming about these things you fucker'

"W-what are y-you talking about?" You asked her with wide eyes.

"Did you kiss Draco?" She asked.

"He's like my cousin Deneb!" You whispered.

"He's not and you know that, so please tell me. Do you like him? " she giggled. You gasped quietly, surprised she knew you weren't a Black.

"I-I want to sleep, uh good night"

"Y/n likes Draco. Y/n likes Draco. Y/n likes Draco!" she chanted.

You ignored her and sneaked into your new very comfortable bed.

Was it that obvious? That you liked Draco.

"All you do is stare at him Y/n " she said like she had read your thoughts or something.

"He's not what he wants the others to believe he is" you explained

"plus he's cute" Deneb completed making you both laugh.

----------------• ☆☆☆☆ •---------------

That morning the atmosphere was extremely strange and tensed, there weren't many students in the Great Hall.

As you approached Harry in your new Slytherin hoodie, Draco's last name properly covered with a scarf. He kind of looked at you in disgust, like he despised you. But you knew he only hated Slytherins in general.

"You look great in green!" Hermione exclaimed happily.

"And you look hella good in blue 'Mione!" You winked.

"Katy said she can't remember anything from Yesterday, but I know it was Draco, I saw him" Harry assumed, your blood began to boil on anger.

"He's not a bad person" you said as calmly as you could.

"Oh you're so blind Y/n" and you were going to spat at him but Draco made his way into the big room, his eyes full of fear and, regret? Was Harry right?

You didn't even have time to answer that question because Draco ran away toward the bathroom.

Harry followed him, and you resisted your instincts for once, all you wanted was rushing after him, she wanted to know who Draco was, who he really was.

You all sat at the same table, including Deneb. It was a nice morning except for the fact that you didn't know where either Harry or Draco went.

"How's being a Slytherin?" Hermione asked snapping you out of your trance.

"It's quite nice, they're not as bad as you think ... and you're just wrong about Draco, he's actually really calm and sweet when he wants to" you explained, a light blush crept onto your face as you did.

"Are you kidding? Malfoy? Sweet? You're crazy" Hermione hissed.

You huffed looking at Deneb for a moment.

"Draco isn't the one you think he is, I'm his cousin, I know what I'm talking about. But his father... he's ruining him, his mother is trying her best but Lucius is just an evil coward" Deneb said, way too calmly.

Ron and Hermione looked at each other before smiling.

"Deneb, is this girl right there intrested in your cousin?" Ron asked, smirking and pointing to you.

"No, she just has a really kind heart" she answered sending you a wink.

You even stopped listening to the conversation. All you could think about was Draco. Where the fuck was he? You swore, if Harry'd done something to him you were gonna kill him slowly,You kind of thought, at that point, that he was just a selfish boy trying to get some attention.

You spaced out for a little while.

Draco's grey eyes popped onto your mind, his smile, his face... but every good thing stopped appearing as soon as you got anxious, you were going crazy right? Harry couldn't hurt him. Could he?

You stormed out of the great hall without even saying anything, you just ran up the stairs, your breath was heavy and it was like your legs got heavier and heavier with every step. But the worst happened when you opened the door of the bathroom.

Draco was laying on the wet floor, he was wincing in pain, his platinum hair sticking on his forehead, his beautiful eyes were closed and some tears were stained on his cheeks.

But even worse was the fact he was covered in blood, his white shirt was now all red and you felt extremely useless.

"Draco, Draco it's me, Y/n" you said before kneeling down beside him.

"Y-Y/n-" then he yelled, that loud your head started to pound slowly.

"Draco, please I'm here, Snape is coming upstairs, I saw him, stay awake" you pleaded as you started to cry, hot tears streaming down your cheeks and landing on your parted lips as you sobbed loudly.

"Y/n? Why a-are you here?" He winced

"You're my friend Draco!" You exclaimed brushing his hair away from his forehead.

"You s-shouldn't b-be- Y/n I-"

"Draco you're not a bad person! Stay with me, please." you implored sobbing loudly and crying, but you didn't care, you only wanted him to live.

"You what Draco? Stay awake please" you sobbed loudly when you noticed the death eaters symbol, that was what he was trying to say, but you didn't give a fuck. You didn't want to lose him, death eater or not, you were falling in love with him.

"I h-hurt people" he whispered weakly

"I-" he opened his eyes for a quick second looking at me but right then they closed again and you realized he'd blacked out, his heart rate fell and he wasn't breathing. That's when realization hit you. He was dead.

Everything that happened soon after went in slow motion, Snape coming in and picking him up from the floor, some people coming in and out of the room, water still flooding the floor. But you were completely still. watching the blood on your hands.

You let out a frustrated scream, when the room was completely empty.

You sat there, sobbing like a little child.

It wasn't like he was the best of your friends, but he somehow understood you, even though you had talked to each others just four or five times in six years of school he listened to you and didn't judge you a single time and you let him die under your watch.

Couldn't you have just gone downstairs and call a professor? You were sad and mostly angry at yourself and at who did that.

"Y/n? What are you doing here?" Hermione asked appearing behind you.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" you yelled, not stopping the tears that now completely made your face wet.

"Y/n what happened?"

"He-he killed him, he's dead. Draco is fucking DEAD!" you shouted angrily, your voice rough.

"Who killed him Y/n?"

"Your fucking best friend Hermione" you hissed sniffling.

"I hate him! " you screamed on top of your lungs.

Hermione hugged you tightly after sitting down beside you.

"You love Malfoy. don't you?"

"H-he's d-ead" your voice trembled as Hermione soothed you tracing circles onto your back.

"I'm sorry Y/n"

"He wasn't that bad you know" you took a long shaky breath but broke down crying again immediately.

"I trust you"

"He didn't want to harm anyone" you groaned in frustration.

She helped you up and put one of your arms around her neck.

Your legs felt numb and as you made your way to your dorm, you felt weaker and weaker.

As you opened the door you launched yourself on the bed, face buried in your pillow.

"What-" Deneb asked.

"Draco- " Hermione stopped to take a long breath. "He died" she explained. You on the other hand just continued to cry uncontrollably.

"Hey Y/n it's oka-"

"Don't you fucking dare say it's okay!" You screamed.

"Y/n listen to me okay? He was a really good person, he'd always been awfully nice to you but now he can rest in peace, without all the terrible things they constantly do to him. He deserves this" you knew she was right but you still refused to stop sobbing.

At some point you did stop, and the other two girls smiled softly when they heard your shaky breath become heavy as you drifted off to sleep.

----------------• ☆☆☆☆ •---------------

The following days had been hell for Y/n, all she did was cry and cry.

Dumbledore often went to console her, and she knew something was up, they didn't even have a funeral for Draco.

Y/n's life had gotten miserable.

You locked yourself up again, professor Mcgonagall said you were in shock because you saw someone die under your eyes, so she even let you skip classes. And you were glad she did.

But that day you had been dragged out of your room by Deneb. Against your will.

"Y/n come to class, at least today, if you don't feel good then you'll be a free elf" you groaned in frustration.

"Why do I have to?"

"Because you need to get some fresh air, so now come with me, we have transfiguration"

When you got to class everyone got silent.

You sat on your new desk as a Slytherin and tried to concentrate but as the professor started the lesson, you grabbed your pen and started sketching on your notebook.

"There are rumors flying around the school. Someone said you and Draco were friends with benefits, some said you were dating but he was using you." None of these were true and Deneb knew that, but she still decided to tell you, after she saw your, almost, scared face.

And even though it wasn't consciously, you soon realized you you were drawing Draco.

At the end of the last clas, in the afternoon, your notebook was filled with drawings of him, really detailed ones, that much that your tears threatened to come out. Again.

You silently made your way to Draco's dorm.

You laid on his bed inhaling his scent, and memorizing it. You'd never see his face again.

You opened your notebook and traced the shape of his head with your finger.

You took out a pen from your pencil case and wrote on the drawing: " hope you're doing good up there ♡" as if he could see it, and after ripping the page you put it on his pillow.

When that night Deneb asked if you wanted to sleep there, you obviously said yes.

That lasted for a few days until, three days later you woke up and didn't find the piece of paper with his face in it.

When you fell asleep on that bed everything bad that happened to you disappeared.

And when you woke up you were actually feeling better.

You panicked, it was your favourite drawing. So you frantically searched under the pillows, under the blanket. But nothing was there.

"I look good in this Y/n/n" you heard a voice and you gasped, at the sound of Draco's familiar voice.

"Wha-"

"Hello, Y/n" Draco suddenly appeared from the shadows. He noticed your puffy eyes and bags under your eyes.

"What are you?! A ghost or something?" You asked widening your eyes.

"I'm Draco, with bones and all" he laughed, even if his eyes were full of fear.

"Is it really you? But you died!" You shot up.

"It's me Y/n/n, Snape knew the spell and healed me, but not entirely so they kept me hidden until they were sure I'd survive." He explained.

"A bird told me you missed me" he continued walking extremely close to you.

"I- I surely did, you were- are my friend" you blushed heavily.

" I'm sorry for everything I did, I hate myself for everything, and something happened.. I - refused to kill Dumbledore but-" he interrupted himself starting to sob.

Your confused expression almost scared him.

"Snape killed him, it's my fault I-" you didn't let him finish ignoring the sadness and smashed your lips onto his.

You fell on the bed, but he continued to kiss you almost roughly.

As you pulled away he smiled.

"I like you Y/n, but I'm not a goo-"

His eyes filled with happiness for the first time in years as you smiled.

"Stop! You are the fucking best person I've ever met!" You exclaimed punching his chest.

"Don't you feel ashamed of a death eater?" He asked, remembering when he'd showed you his tattoo.

"No, as long as you're safe"

"Do you mind if I kiss you again?" In response you kissed him, again, softly this time.

As your lips moved together until you saw the door fly open.

"Are you done sucking faces? Lunch is ready" Deneb teased before walking away again.

"I like you so much Y/n. Would you uhm- goonadatewithme?" He asked, his voice trembling a little.

"Of course Drakey"

"Don't call me that"

"Shut up. I love you dork"

[btsrmono]

Trial & Error | chapter 7

Main Pairing: (jimin): student/idol x (main): foreign student

Side Pairs: main x taehyung,, main x (nct) jaehyun

PART 6

"What it is?" Jimin asked, making you look up from your pizza to him.

 You sighed, leaning back on the couch sofa in your living room. You guys sat at the coffee table as you enjoyed each others company and forgot about everything you were both were stressed about for a while... Until he bought that up, at least.

"What is what?" you acted stupid.

"Y/n... Earlier. You were clearly crying in class today. What happened?" He bought his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them, looking at you concerningly.

 You put your pizza down and breathed out, defeated. "I saw Taehyung today," you started. "And he just seemed... Not hisself."

"Yeah, he hasn't been lately," he agreed. "I think he's just upset that the fans are upset. Like, he doesn't want them to feel that way about him, you know? Just give it some time."

"But he told me not to talk to him anymore," you said.

"So what--"

"He seemed serious, Jimin."

He clenched his jaw before poking the inside of his right cheek with his tongue. "Forget him then--"

"No, Jimin, I'm not just going to just ‘forget him’. Tae is my best friend, he's all I had. I don't want him mad at me."

He sucked his teeth, seemingly getting mad. "So I guess I don't exist," he humped.

You cocked your right eyebrow in confusion. "Ummm say ‘sike’ because you and I didn't even start officially becoming friends up until about a week ago."

"But I'm here, right?"

"Yeah and I said he's all that I had, not have. Obviously, I have you right now but not too long ago, it was just him."

Suddenly, he looked sorry. "Oh," he said. "You're right. I'm sorry..."

 You shook your head after staring for quite some time. "No, Jimin... Don't be sorry." You rested your hand on his knee, reassuringly.

"I just want things to go back to normal," he whispered.

"Isn't your school almost done with the reconstruction?" you asked, placing your hand back in your crossed lap. "Maybe then, things will change."

 He shrugged. "They don't seem like they're getting done anytime soon, to be honest."

"Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks."

He smiled shyly at you. "No, actually, it's okay. I kinda like having class with you now," he said, winking.

"Jimin, are you flirting?" you teased.

"Maybe," he replied, biting his lip in a seductive manner and looking you up and down.

 You rolled your eyes, picking a pillow up and throwing it at his face. He instantly picked the pillow back up whilst laughing and gently tossed it back in your lap. You guys silently collected your fits of laughter together before Jimin turned to you again. "Hey, you still owe me ice cream."

"Ugh," you grunted. "Fine, let's go."

He smiled, jumping up quickly to go put on his shoes. You followed in his footsteps and both left the apartment, walking to the nearest ice cream parlor.

"Do you do this often?" Jimin spoke up in the midst of your journey.

"Do what?" you wondered.

"Walk alone at night like this."

"I'm not alone," you scoffed.

"Y/n, you know what I mean."

You shrugged your shoulders. "Sometimes. Why?"

He started to look at the ground as you two continued to walk. "It's just... You need to be more safe, okay?" You looked over at him, making him look back at you. "You're a pretty girl," he started. "And people can be crazy. Just start taking taxis everywhere. Got it?" He took his hand out of his pocket and roughly slapped his hand on your back right shoulder.

"Yah!" you yelled out. It was obviously just a playful hit that you doubt was meant to actually hurt but clearly Jimin just didn't know his power. "The only crazy person is you, you psychopath, who goes out to get ice cream while its cold outside?" you complained, rubbing your back shoulder in the spot where you could still feel some lingering pain.

 On your left, Jimin was just cracking up. You scowled at him, still lowkey upset about the hit but quickly getting over it as you both, unnoticeably, arrived at the parlor. "Aww, poor y/n," he joked, as he rubbed the spot for you.

 You pushed him off of you just before entering the store as Jimin followed, still laughing.

"What do you want?" you asked.

"What do you want?" he asked back.

"Mint chocolate chip."

He scanned the menu. "Melon," he decided.

 You shook your head, then paid for your order as Jimin found you guys a table to sit at. After handing him his bowl and sitting down across from him, you started to worry about something. "I figure this is a bad idea."

 Jimin tilted his head, picking his spoon up. "How so?"

 "It's just... Last time I was out with Tae--"

 "Oh please," he quickly cut you off. "Look around, there's no one here. You don't have to be paranoid, y/n." He started eating his ice cream, clearly not bothered at all. You, however, were still scared.

"I just don't want to bring you boys trouble, I've done enough already."

His shoulders slugged and you could tell that you were sucking the joy out of his pep. You hated to be the person to do that, you did. 

 A few pauses later, Jimin put his spoon down and reached across the table for yours. He scooped up some ice cream and put it in front of your mouth. "Open up," he said.

 You looked around, aware that the worker at the register was carefully watching the both of you. She was sitting, seeing what was about to happen next and Jimin saw this. "I dont care if they see," he said. “We're friends. Am I not allowed to hang out with you?"

Not wanting to argue back, you simply complied, opening your mouth as asked. You ate the scoop and looked at him. "Happy?"

He smiled. "It's good right? Now eat up, don't worry too much." He went back to his own bowl and began to make small talk.

 You started to remember what it was like the first time Jimin and you actually had your first real conversation. You realized it was just easy to talk to him about things. He was real but non-judgmental with you. He just wants the best for everyone and you found that to be so nice of him. He truly had a way with making you feel better about every situation and making you forget about things in the time being.

After a little while, you and Jimin walked back to your place, stopping in front of the main entrance. You saw your mom in the lobby, waiting for the elevator, making you turn to Jimin. "It looks like my parents are home," you spoke. "Guess that's your cue to go too."

 Jimin looked through the lobby, his eyes slightly widening. "That's your mom?" he questioned. You nodded your head. "She's beautiful! I see where you get your looks from."

 You playfully rolled your eyes as you laughed, placing your hand on his chest to slightly shove him. "Please, Jimin." You noted that this was his second time complementing your looks that night and not going to lie, you were flattered.

 He laughed too. "Alright give me a hug," he said, pulling you in before you even got the chance. You hugged him back tightly, grateful for him taking your mind off things for a while.

 "I'll see you later," you spoke, looking up at him. He looked down and shook his head in agreement before you both let go and he took off.

~~

You and Jimin had been hanging out a little less than usual due to him and the boys having multiple dance practices, meaning he would not only rarely show up to school but you rarley even talked or texted with him. Of course he tried to keep up with you when he could which was better than nothing, you guess. You just kind of missed him.

"Psstt," you heard from behind you. 

You turned around to find Kayla, another internatial student like yourself. "Hey," you said, smiling at her. "What's up?"

"I'm freaking out," she replied. "I didn't do my homework last night, I was too busy. Before class starts, can I pleasssee copy yours?"

 You shook your head, not minding as you grabbed your homework from your backpack and handed it to her. "You're a life saver!" she exhaled. She quickly copied your homework and within about two minutes, it was back in your hand. "Thank you so much!"

"No problem," you replied, ready to turn back around before she cut you off.

"Wait," she said. "Is it true, about you and Taehyung?"

 You sighed, not aware that that was still a thing. "People are still on that?" you asked, semi annoyed. It had almost been two weeks, you thought it was behind you.

She scoffed. "Of course they are girl, you snatched up two of the most wanted guys in this school.” She paused, thinking. “ Well, besides Jungkook and Jaehyun."

 You were confused, what did she mean? "Two?"

"Jimin and Taehyung," she responded in a ‘Duh’ tone.

 You stared at her for a quick second. "Well to answer your question, no. How bout' you spread that around the next time you decide to gossip?" you snapped. You don't know what it was but you were over it. This rumor ruined your friendship with Taehyung and you were sick of it following you around.

"Jesus, well excuse me," she said, putting her hands up in surrender. "It's not like it was me that started it."

"Well you're sure as hell not helping, no?"

"Attitude much?"

 You sighed. She was right. Normally, Kayla was really nice to you so although she was being annoying at the moment, you still couldn't help but feel bad for the way you spoke to her. "I'm sorry," you apologized. "I've just been really stressed."

Her face softened. "Yeah, you look it," she joked, a small grin appearing on her face. "Hey, if you're not busy after school, me and Heejin are gonna go grab some boba if you want to join us?"

 You thought it over. Having some girl company didn't sound too bad, it actually sounded like just the perfect plan to you at the time. It wasn't anything significant but given the fact that you only was hanging out with guys for most part, this seemed overdue.

"That actually sounds really nice right about now."

She shook her head. "Okay then, we'll just be waiting for you at the bus stop after school."

Just then, your math teacher walked in and you all started our work.

~

After a long day of 7 classes, you and the girls did end up hanging out. Kayla ordered matcha boba, Heejin ordered strawberry and you ordered coconut. The three of you got a table and sat down, discussing random things such as school and who they liked.

 “Taeyong is definitely the most handsome boy in our school,” Kayla stated.

 “Really?” you chimed in. “He is super attractive but he’s too mysterious.”

 Kayla threw her head back in admiration. “That’s what makes him hot, y/n!” she cried, making you giggle.

"Well, I hands down like Jungkook," Heejin said. "No doubt about it, he is my ultimate crush." She was swooning over him and got dramatically emotional at just the thought of him. "Ugh! My heart is beating so fast even thinking about him, I think I'm going to die!" she then plopped her head on the table as you and Kayla laughed at her silliness. "It's depressing," she said said in a muffled voice, her face still on the cold surface.

"You'll survive," you responded.

She lifted her head back up, looking at you curiously. "Wait, aren't you friends with Jungkook?"

 You scoffed, looking around to make sure no one at the surrounding booths heard that. "No," you responded. "I hardly know him."

"Oh, I just assumed because you and Taeh--"

 Heejin was interrupted by Kayla shoving her quickly as a means to get her to stop talking. Kayla cleared her throat. "So, y/n," she started, changing the subject. "Heejin and I were thinking about starting this club--a dance club and we were wondering if you would be willing to join?"

 Heejin gave her a look, scrunching her eyebrows together, as did you, wondering where this was coming from. "Me?" you asked. "Why me of all people?"

"Because," Kayla started. "I see how you are in class, you're a team player. I already know you would do well on our team. Plus, you just look like you can dance," she chuckled.

 Her explanation wasn't good enough and you were still confused. Heejin still looked confused too but she seemed to not want to bud into it.

"What do you say?"

You started to stutter. "I-I-I.... I, um... I'm not sure," you said. "Dancing isn't really my thing..." She suddenly started to look disappointed, which made you feel a little bad. "But I'll let you know," you added, wanting to give her a glimpse of hope.

She smiled again, shaking her head. A few minutes later, you then dismissed yourself and said your goodbyes before you headed out the cafe door to go home.

A/N: Surprise! Heejin is in this. She’ll be around a little more often now hehe okay stay tuned to see what happens next! <33

PART 8

[vespertineflora]

WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLLLL. I’m so sad about xiyao, but lets ignore that and enjoy some tender fluffy smut instead.

Rating: Explicit Summary: It's Lan Xichen's first visit to Lanling since Jin Guangyao's ascent to the position of Chief Cultivator the previous month, and with everything he's been through recently, he's perhaps tenser than he otherwise would be, spending a peaceful evening with his dearest friend. Luckily, Jin Guangyao has some ideas about the best ways to relieve stress. (13.7k, a semi-platonic massage leads to MUCH more, top!jgy/bottom!lxc, see AO3 for full tags)

~~~

“Er-Ge, you seem tense.”

Lan Xichen looked up from the cup of tea he was gripping too tightly in his hands and across the small table to Jin Guangyao, who was offering him a kind smile, a look of sincere concern in his eyes. 

“My apologies,” Lan Xichen said. He let out a slow breath and tried to ground himself in the moment. He had no reason to be tense just now. It was his first time visiting with Jin Guangyao since the coronation the previous month, and they were having a perfectly lovely time. Dinner had been exquisite, and it was late in the evening now, most of the residents of Carp Tower having retired for the night some time ago. It was likely just them and a handful of patrolling guards who were still awake.

“No need to apologize. I know there’s been a lot on your mind recently,” Jin Guangyao said sympathetically. “Is it anything you’d like to discuss?”

Lan Xichen knew Jin Guangyao was right. The last few months had been... trying. Nie Mingjue’s sudden passing had stricken him deeper than he tried to show, processing his own grief at the loss of his sworn brother while also trying to offer Nie Huaisang support during his untimely transition to sect leader... Lan Wangji was finally out of bed in these last few months, the deep wounds finally healed into permanent scar tissue, his strength far from what it was after three years of being mostly bedridden, and his spirits still so low. The only slight joy he seemed to get was from being with A-Yuan, a relationship that Lan Xichen had spent the last several years mediating, as his uncle had been so set on Lan Wangji’s seclusion as punishment that he had only allowed them brief visits with one another.

And less traumatizing, but still hectic, had been Jin Guangshan’s death the previous month, leaving his only suitable heir, Jin Guangyao, in the new position of sect leader and Chief Cultivator. 

He shook his head, offering Jin Guangyao a faint smile. “No, it’s nothing but the same old worries. There’s no sense in discussing it again.”

Jin Guangyao had allowed him to vent his troubles over and over again. They had both lost their sworn brother, and even though Lan Xichen knew there had been tension between Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao, it had been an upsetting time for both of them and it wasn’t a topic he wanted to bring up just now. And Lan Wangji... Lan Xichen had probably talked of his worries over his brother for longer than he’d talked about anything with Jin Guangyao, and right now, he’d rather not trouble him again with more of the same.

“Then... would you mind if I...?” Jin Guangyao trailed off, but motioned across the table towards him, and even without finishing the question, Lan Xichen already thought he knew what Jin Guangyao was asking.

Lan Xichen gave Jin Guangyao a slightly more easy smile and a nod, and Jin Guangyao pushed himself up elegantly from his seat and rounded the table, kneeling behind him. Just a moment later, Jin Guangyao’s hands gently moved his hair forward over one shoulder and found their way to his shoulders, where they began kneading into the flesh in a familiar movement.

It wasn’t the first time Jin Guangyao had done such a thing for him. Years ago, when Lan Xichen had fled the Cloud Recesses with as many sacred scrolls as he could take with him, Jin Guangyao had been the one to keep hidden him away at a very high risk to himself, and more than that... he’d taken care of him. Lan Xichen was by no means helpless, of course, he’d helped where he could, but... Jin Guangyao had brought him meals and washed his clothes and had even gone so far as to massage him like this more than once, when he could tell that stressful times were becoming a bit too much for Lan Xichen to bear.

A soft breath pushed out of him as Jin Guangyao’s thumb pressed into a knot of tension at the back of his neck, and he issued a polite refusal, “This isn’t necessary, A-Yao.”

Even after so many years, Lan Xichen felt that Jin Guangyao’s formal gestures towards him were still too grand. Lan Xichen had never seen Jin Guangyao as someone lesser than himself, and he hoped that after so long, and after so much had changed, that Jin Guangyao still didn’t see their difference as such.

“I know, Er-Ge, but please, allow me. It eases my troubles to ease yours” Jin Guangyao replied, warm and insistent. His hands continued to move in practiced motions, fingers rubbing and pressing in tight circles as he continued almost casually, “Perhaps it’s too many years spent as a servant to others, but I’m not yet used to being waited on the way I am now. I can’t say I envy my past self, and it’s not a life I want to return to, but... this is something I enjoy doing for you.”

Lan Xichen let out a soft breath, something not quite a laugh, but an amused sound, and he smiled a bit more easily than before. He replied, “If that’s truly how you feel, then I won’t stop you. Thank you.”

“Think nothing of it,” Jin Guangyao replied softly, before investing himself in his task. 

Lan Xichen simply... didn’t want to take advantage of Jin Guangyao, who had been nothing but the dearest of friends to him for so many years, and had been trodden on so many times by others... Lan Xichen never wished to treat Jin Guangyao that way. But if this was truly something he wanted to do, then Lan Xichen would be a fool to refuse him. 

Especially because this was something Jin Guangyao was quite good at. Lan Xichen chose not to consider where Jin Guangyao had picked up the art of massage but... he had indeed picked it up somewhere. His hands moved rhythmically over Lan Xichen’s neck and shoulders and upper arms--he seemed to know exactly where Lan Xichen’s tension was being held and would dig his fingertips and knuckles in to just the right spot at just the right pressure, forcing out a dull ache until the muscle felt loose and limp, before he would move to his next target spot.

Lan Xichen felt himself relaxing more and more with each passing moment. His scalp tingled pleasantly, his troubles all but melting away little by little as Jin Guangyao’s hands moved from his shoulders down to his back, pressing in along his spine and kneading firmly into the strong muscles. It was impossible then not to think about how... intimate this was. They were alone in Jin Guangyao’s private chambers, where they likely would be undisturbed until morning. The room was dim, warmly lit by the glow of a few scattered candles, the faint smell of jasmine tea lingering in the air, and it was quiet outside of the soft swish of skin and fabric and... by comparison, the much more prominent sound of Lan Xichen’s soft exhales and hitched breaths with each new knot that Jin Guangyao discovered and worked away.

His head leaned forward, his shoulders relaxed, his hands sitting loosely in his lap. He could feel the warmth of Jin Guangyao’s figure behind him, and... he’d be lying to himself to ignore just how much he liked having Jin Guangyao’s hands on him, how... Lan Xichen wouldn’t have allowed this sort of intimacy from anyone else, and just how special Jin Guangyao was to him. He’d be lying to say he hadn’t ever considered what something more would be like, despite knowing the impossibility of such a thing. It didn’t stop him from dreaming, of course, didn’t stop his thoughts from wandering now or in the late hours, alone in his bed about what the heat of someone’s, a certain someone’s, hands or lips might just feel like...

Lan Xichen was so buried in the thoughts that he didn’t realize what he was feeling at first, didn’t process that Jin Guangyao had leaned in closer to him, and... that there was a pair of warm lips pressed to the back of his neck, just above the collar of his robes.

A shiver ran down his spine, and his previously relaxed pulse picked up as he processed what he was feeling, as the heat of the gesture overtook him. He was almost breathless as he gasped out a soft, “A-Yao?”

Jin Guangyao’s lips pulled back from the skin suddenly, but... he didn’t pull away any more than that, his knuckles still pressing into Lan Xichen’s lower back in a relieving motion. “I’m... so sorry, Er-Ge,” he said. Lan Xichen couldn’t see his face, but... he did sound apologetic, and... a bit breathless himself. His volume was low, still desperately intimate, “I’m not sure what came over me. Perhaps I’ve had too much to drink tonight.”

Lan Xichen was well aware that Jin Guangyao had had maybe two cups of liquor with dinner, and while Jin Guangyao had never been a heavy drinker, he wasn’t that much of a lightweight. It felt more like an easy excuse for such a brazen action than anything, though... Lan Xichen found that he suddenly didn’t want Jin Guangyao to have to make any such excuse. He could feel the ghost of Jin Guangyao’s lips where they’d been pressed to his skin and he was certainly going to be haunted by it for quite some time...

Jin Guangyao’s hands slowly moved up Lan Xichen’s back, doing nothing to walk back the deeper intimacy he’d created--and when he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper as it caressed the shell of his ear. “I didn’t upset you, did I?”

“No,” Lan Xichen practically exhaled, his breath suddenly so high in his chest that he was afraid he’d lose it entirely. “Not at all.” 

He was... reeling a bit, his thoughts had been so soft, his body so relaxed, that going from that to this state of tension--not stress tension, but something else, something he’d never quite felt before--was almost like whiplash. He hadn’t fully adjusted, and part of him didn’t want to, even as the motion of Jin Guangyao’s hands on him was trying to provoke him right back into relaxation. 

“Not at all?” Jin Guangyao repeated back at him, his voice low and... curious now, almost a purr. It was a tone Lan Xichen wasn’t sure he’d ever heard him use before and it seemed to send a shudder down his spine. “Then... would it upset you if I did it again?”

Lan Xichen felt his heart thud as a sudden heat rose to his cheeks. He could hardly believe the implication, that Jin Guangyao could mean it, but he answered honestly, “It... wouldn’t.”

He only had to wait a second before he felt it again, the soft pressure of Jin Guangyao’s mouth against the skin, almost matching the first kiss exactly, causing the same strange and pleasurable shiver to run down Lan Xichen’s spine as before.

Reacting naturally, Lan Xichen leaned his head forward to expose more of his nape, and even absently reached up to pull his hair more neatly in front of him and out of the way. It was suddenly his highest priority to give Jin Guangyao’s lips as much access to his neck as they would like.

And Jin Guangyao’s lips seemed just as eager to be there as Lan Xichen was to have them. His hands somehow managed to keep up their slow progression of movement over his back, less massaging and more just a gentle up and down tracing of his fingers as his lips pressed softly on and off, scattering slow kisses over every exposed inch of skin.

If Lan Xichen had thought his breathing had been too obvious before, it was near-deafening to his own ears now. His lips had parted early on in the process, his breaths huffing softly between them, his heart fluttering in his chest. Was this... normal? Lan Xichen had never been touched like this before, had never even been kissed before, much less so... intimately. He was both a little light-headed and overwhelmingly enchanted--he felt like... like he was buzzing with delight, teetering on the edge of anticipation as Jin Guangyao’s lips slowly worked towards the exposed side of his neck.

When Jin Guangyao’s hand finally left his back, it was to raise to the collar of his robes and pull them down ever so slightly, allowing Jin Guangyao to press a kiss to the crook of his neck... before Lan Xichen felt the hot flick of tongue against the skin, and he heard himself gasp.

The sound only encouraged Jin Guangyao, and now each of his kisses was followed by a soft tease of the tip of his tongue, as he made his way almost torturously slowly back up his neck, until the kiss was just below his ear, and Jin Guangyao’s mouth lingered there, not only flicking his tongue at the skin, but suckling at the skin a bit as he... reached up with his hand to cradle it against the other side of Lan Xichen’s jaw and gently turn his face towards him.

Lan Xichen felt his body turning more than he actually turned it, adjusting as he felt Jin Guangyao doing the same. The new angle let Jin Guangyao continue forward, his lips leaving a trail of kisses along Lan Xichen’s jaw all the way down to his chin, then up to the corner of his mouth, before... 

They hovered over his for just a moment, hesitating before delivering the final blow... and then Jin Guangyao’s lips finally pressed gently to his own.

For a moment, Lan Xichen forgot to breathe or... really to do much of anything. He was stunned, completely and utterly; Jin Guangyao was kissing him, he was being kissed, this was what being kissed felt like, and besides a series of the most inane thoughts imaginable, his head was utterly empty. 

When Jin Guangyao pulled back a few seconds later, Lan Xichen expected a pause before being kissed again, but... instead Jin Guangyao’s mouth just hovered over his, his soft exhales brushing Lan Xichen’s lips, and Lan Xichen didn’t realize what he was waiting for... until it finally occurred to him, and this time, he was the one to close the sliver of distance between their lips.

Lan Xichen... didn’t exactly know what he was doing. He’d seen little kissing in his life and had obviously experienced far less, so his face felt warm as Jin Guangyao kissed him and he... followed his lead, moving his mouth back against Jin Guangyao’s in the way he thought was right. Jin Guangyao didn’t pull away again as their lips moved together, and before long their lips were parted and Jin Guangyao’s tongue was between his lips, coaxing his own forward...

Despite his likely sloppy reciprocation, Jin Guangyao kissed him no less passionately, and before Lan Xichen’s thoughts had caught up to the present, Jin Guangyao’s hands were on his neck, tugging at this robes--he pushed Lan Xichen’s outer coat down off his shoulders, and Lan Xichen complied before his hands reached up to press into Jin Guangyao’s hair, knocking his hat from his perch as he let it slump softly to the floor.

The next few minutes were a hazy blur of hands and lips and the slow shedding of their outermost layers, clothing discarded carelessly to the floor as neither of them were willing to break their lips apart long enough to fold them up properly. Lan Xichen had... thought about this, about kissing Jin Guangyao for... for ages, for years, since nearly the first time they had met, and it was awfully sudden to have such an obscure dream coming true before him, softly gasping for air as Jin Guangyao’s tongue slid so masterfully against his own. 

More than anything, it was the heat of arousal building beneath his skin that was leaving Lan Xichen more than thoroughly winded, the soft press of his arousal against the soft linen of his pants that was growing less and less soft with each swipe of Jin Guangyao’s tongue and each gentle nip of his teeth against Lan Xichen’s lips.

It was only as Jin Guangyao’s hands started reaching beneath the last layer of his under robe that Lan Xichen finally gathered his thoughts enough to speak up...

“Wait... wait, A-Yao,” he protested softly, while he still had the mental capacity to do so. 

Jin Guangyao responded with one final soft kiss before he paused to allow Lan Xichen to speak, though he lingered close, his hand still resting directly on Lan Xichen’s shoulder beneath the robe. When he spoke, his words were patient and caring, “What is it, Er-Ge?”

“We...” Lan Xichen spoke hesitantly, a large part of him not even wanting to voice the thought, for fear the argument in his head was too strong a reason and would actually end what they were doing. “Should we stop?”

Jin Guangyao’s free hair slid up to cradle his jaw delicately. He asked quietly, “Are you not enjoying this?”

Lan Xichen felt his face flush a bit warmer as his thoughts dropped to what was probably obvious evidence of his enjoyment of what they were doing. “No, that’s not it. It’s...” He didn’t want Jin Guangyao to get the wrong impression. He... wanted this. He wanted this more than he’d wanted many things in his life, he just... “I’m not sure it’s... appropriate.”

Maybe more than anything, he wanted to voice his doubts so that he might be talked out of them.

“Appropriate how?” Jin Guangyao questioned curiously, his tone anything but aggressive, as if he was willing to consider whatever argument Lan Xichen wished to present to him.

Lan Xichen, though normally quite articulate, wasn’t even sure he could find the words to put together his fears, about... how this might change things for them, for their clans, for... anything.

“Are you worried for our friendship?” Jin Guangyao asked after a long, quiet moment.

Lan Xichen felt overwhelmingly grateful to have a friend who understood him well enough to put together the pieces when he couldn’t. He nodded faintly, and felt... strangely relieved when he saw Jin Guangyao smile at him.

“Er-Ge, nothing could alter how dearly I hold you in my heart,” he spoke softly, even brushing their lips gently together. “If you’d like this to be just for tonight, then so be it. If it’s a night that bears repeating, my thoughts are the same. I could never think less of you, no matter what happens, and we don’t have to decide now.”

Already, Lan Xichen felt any resolve he might have had softening. He voiced timidly, “And what of our sects? Our reputations? I couldn’t bear for this to hurt you.”

It was Jin Guangyao’s reputation he feared for more than his own; Jin Guangyao was already publicly dragged as the son of a prostitute, already so highly contested, and having just been granted such a high rank... The last thing Lan Xichen wanted was for some scandalous affair to come crashing down on him, causing him to lose everything he'd worked so hard for.

“We’re all alone here,” Jin Guangyao replied reasonably as his thumb stroked Lan Xichen’s cheek. “No one has to know if we don’t want them to. And we’re already sworn brothers, no one’s ever questioned the time we spend alone together.”

It was another sound point, as they had every reason to spend time alone together. If there weren’t already rumors about the two of them sharing some secret relationship, there was no reason for such things to develop in the future, even if this... happened again.

And then it was on to Lan Xichen’s final fear, his final guilt. “And... what of Qin Su? I don’t want to come between you.”

Jin Guangyao had only been married to her for a year or so now, their son had been born not so long ago. Lan Xichen... didn’t want to be a cause for contention between them, and perhaps more so, he didn’t want to force Jin Guangyao into the role of his own father, nothing even close to that. He would never ask Jin Guangyao to leave his beloved wife, and he didn’t want to bring pain to a relationship that seemed so joyous.

Upon hearing his wife’s name, Jin Guangyao’s expression changed to something soft and thoughtful, and he pulled his face back just enough so that their eyes could meet more easily.

“You know I care deeply for Qin Su,” he said, before a smile tugged up the corner of his mouth and danced lightly in his eyes and he continued as if sharing some grand secret. “Just as she knows I care deeply for you.”

Lan Xichen felt his breath hitch at the words, glad for the pause Jin Guangyao gave him to take them in. Perhaps the conclusion of Jin Guangyao’s feelings for him should have been obvious given what they were doing, but... hearing Jin Guangyao directly compare his feelings for his wife to Lan Xichen like that was a bit overwhelming. 

“I have no desire to be like those who have come before me,” he said firmly, referencing his father without saying his name. “This isn’t a decision made out of careless lust, and it isn't something I would do with anyone else. Qin Su knows how I feel, and... in this case, for you, she would permit it. So if the thought of her is all that’s holding you back, you can put it from your mind.”

Lan Xichen sighed as the explanation sunk in, easing his tension, and the subtle response made the smile on Jin Guangyao’s face widen affectionately. “That’s just like you, to put the feelings of others before your own,” he said, before his grin turned a bit more sly. “Think selfishly for once, Er-Ge. Do you want to continue?”

His fears and doubts assuaged, Lan Xichen didn’t need to consider his answer long. He managed a smile back and replied, “I do.”

“Good,” Jin Guangyao replied, his thumb brushing sweetly against Lan Xichen’s cheek. “I do too.”

He leaned in and then they were kissing again--and it took hardly any time at all to build up the momentum they’d established earlier. Lan Xichen couldn’t help but wonder if Jin Guangyao had been waiting for and wanting this moment as long as he had, though he certainly wasn’t going to take time away from their kissing to ask.

It didn’t take Jin Guangyao long to get back to the task he’d been distracted from, and before Lan Xichen knew it, Jin Guangyao’s hands were slipping beneath the last layers of his robe again. His fingertips danced over the skin, and he only teased so nicely for a moment before he was pushing the robe down over his shoulders, Lan Xichen prying his own arms from around Jin Guangyao to let it fall to the floor with the rest of his clothes.

Immediately afterwards, his hands were on Jin Guangyao again, fingers threading up into his hair while the other hand snaked around Jin Guangyao’s back beneath his own already opened robes. He held onto him as Jin Guangyao’s hands began exploring his chest with abandon, tracing up and down of the firm lines of his muscles, fingertips brushing lightly over his nipples and causing an unexpectedly thrilling sensation that shocked a gasp out of him and made Jin Guangyao’s fingers linger there. Though Lan Xichen’s dizziness had nearly faded before, as Jin Guangyao’s fingertips rubbed over and lightly twisted at the buds on his chest, Lan Xichen found the sensation quickly returning--he shocked even himself as a particularly sharp tug made him let out a short whimper into Jin Guangyao’s mouth.

While one hand stayed behind to keep toying with the nipple that only seemed to be getting more sensitive, the other gently traced down Lan Xichen’s chest, before moving instead to rub at Lan Xichen’s thigh. 

Though it would have been nearly impossible to ignore his growing erection, especially considering Lan Xichen was certain he’d never been this aroused before, having Jin Guangyao’s hand pressing to the muscle so close to it now was nearly enough to make Lan Xichen quake, his body practically aching for the contact denied to it for so long.

As if he sensed this, Jin Guangyao didn’t tease him for long--in fact, just a moment later, Lan Xichen gasped sharply as he felt the heat of Jin Guangyao’s hand rubbing over him through the last thin bit of fabric separating them.

“May I take care of this, Er-Ge?” he asked, his voice so hot and breathless against Lan Xichen’s lips that the sound of it alone made Lan Xichen’s head spin. “Nothing would make me happier than to please you.”

Jin Guangyao’s hand lingered right where it was, gently cradled around the shaft of his cock, not moving at all--and Lan Xichen realized quickly enough that Jin Guangyao was waiting for his answer.

“Yes,” he gasped out softly, his voice tinged with a bit more desperation than he’d expected, before adding, “please.”

Jin Guangyao pressed a quick kiss to his lips before he started to trail away again--though it suddenly became that much harder to focus on where Jin Guangyao’s mouth was going as his hand started to slowly stroke the length of his erection, the heat almost unbearable even through his pants. After all, Lan Xichen had never been touched like this by another; he only rarely touched himself. This wasn’t the sort of stimulation he was used to receiving, so he couldn't help but find it thrilling now.

Meanwhile, Jin Guangyao’s mouth was laying a new trail of kisses down over Lan Xichen’s chest, his lips moving down inch by inch, kissing over his abdomen, his navel... before kissing the head of his cock through his pants, and making Lan Xichen’s eyes widen as he realized just what Jin Guangyao was planning.

Lan Xichen was inexperienced, but he wasn’t completely naive. Public displays of affection were non-existent in the Cloud Recesses, much less anything more... but Lan Lan Xichen had done his fair share of travelling, and he’d learned of more than just bloodshed during the war, stumbling upon more than one pair of soldiers seeking relief in one another after so much weary combat. Plus, no matter how his uncle tried to prevent and confiscate it, there had always been pornography in the Cloud Recesses and probably always would be. Lan Xichen had even accidentally found his brother’s own collection when he’d been searching his room for some text that was missing from the library (and had probably spent longer browsing the quite explicit art than he would ever care to admit).

Needless to say, he wasn’t confused about Jin Guangyao’s intentions as his friend carefully untied the front of his pants and reverently freed Lan Xichen’s erection from inside, but... he was in awe. What he’d expected when this began, he couldn’t say for sure, but he wouldn’t have guessed at Jin Guangyao’s desire to do this for him, wouldn’t have guessed he’d see such a pleased smile on his friend’s face as his lips descended to press a faint kiss to the tip of his cock, though even such a light touch left Lan Xichen gasping for air.

Jin Guangyao took his time pressing his lips all up and down the shaft, as if he’d been given a very precious gift, as if he were set on cherishing every inch of the offering standing before him--and it was perhaps that as much as the contact itself that was making Lan Xichen’s cheeks burn, that Jin Guangyao wasn’t just doing this for him, but that he seemed elated to do it, as if Lan Xichen was the one doing something for him and not the other way around.

Lan Xichen was quickly reduced to panting as he watched Jin Guangyao moving over him, eyes fixated, his hand eventually moving to press through the silky strands of Jin Guangyao’s hair, combing it back from his face so that Lan Xichen could keep it in view as much as possible as Jin Guangyao looked... almost serene in his movements, the trace of a smile lingering on his lips, his eyes half-closed... He looked as though if he were a cat, he’d be purring--and when a drop of pearly precum appeared at the tip of his cock, Jin Guangyao moved eagerly to lick it away with a flick of his tongue, making Lan Xichen’s breath stutter all over again.

As if this were a true indulgence for him, Jin Guangyao then took another long moment to trace the same pathways with his tongue, dragging it almost torturously slowly from the base to the tip, before he began to lap teasingly at the head, careful to lick up every drop of precum Lan Xichen spared. He chose a few spots to suckle lightly at, one spot near the base of his cock, then one just underneath the head that nearly made Lan Xichen see fireworks as Jin Guangyao’s tongue rubbed assertively against it.

Dazedly, Lan Xichen almost wondered how Jin Guangyao could so thoroughly know what he was doing--though he quickly realized how pointless such a question probably was. Despite never holding Jin Guangyao’s background against him, Lan Xichen was still aware of it. Lan Xichen couldn’t be certain of what Jin Guangyao was exposed to being raised in a brothel, but between that and the personal experience he most certainly had, it wasn’t nearly so much of a stretch to assume that Jin Guangyao would have some idea as to what he was doing.

When Jin Guangyao finally saw fit to wrap his lips around him, Lan Xichen’s vision nearly whited out for a second--he never could have imagined what such a thing could feel like, the inside of Jin Guangyao’s mouth so intensely hot that Lan Xichen had the fleeting impression that he somehow might have been burned, though as soon as Jin Guangyao started to suck at the head just a moment later, any worry of such of thing was quickly pushed away. The only thing Lan Xichen’s mind had space for was bliss, was Jin Guangyao’s tongue rubbing pointedly over the head of his cock, before his lips were sinking down to take Lan Xichen deeper into his mouth, bobbing his lips over the top half while his hand wrapped comfortably around the lower. After just a few seconds, the two halves began working together--and then working in earnest--stroking and sucking in tandem.

Though he’d been trying to continue watching Jin Guangyao’s dedicated efforts, Lan Xichen’s eyes squeezed shut, out of his control. After being strung along for so long, the orgasm was approaching quickly, and while part of Lan Xichen wanted to wallow in this moment of all-consuming ecstasy for hours, he knew he’d have no such luck. Quickly, his breaths became tainted with sound, soft, desperate moans and just a moment or so later, he gasped out a raspy warning, “A-Yao, I’m-”

He interrupted himself with a moan, pushing back the orgasm just a few seconds longer--though Jin Guangyao didn’t pull away, retreating only enough so that he was suckling on the head, and then suckling even harder until--

Lan Xichen came with a harder sound, muffled by his closed lips, fingers gripping involuntarily tighter for a few seconds on Jin Guangyao’s hair as he released into Jin Guangyao’s beckoning mouth.

When he managed to force his eyes open a half-second later, he saw Jin Guangyao eyeing the table, or perhaps more specifically one of the cups on the table, considerately... before the look on his face settled on acceptance and... after sliding his lips off of Lan Xichen’s cock, Lan Xichen realized he’d swallowed, making the heat on Lan Xichen’s face burn brightly once more.

Jin Guangyao sat up, one hand braced on Lan Xichen’s thigh as he leaned in. He reached up to delicately push a bit of Lan Xichen’s hair back behind his ear before gently nuzzling his cheek, all his movements soft and sweet as he let Lan Xichen catch his breath for a bit. He scattered kisses over his cheek and jaw, but... seemed to avoid going back to Lan Xichen’s lips for a reason that wasn’t immediately apparent to Lan Xichen.

Wanting to kiss him properly again, Lan Xichen turned his head to press his mouth more boldly to Jin Guangyao’s and didn’t hesitate to part his lips, to brush his tongue forward the way Jin Guangyao had done to him earlier to encourage the kiss to deepen, and though Jin Guangyao seemed surprised, he gave in a second later--and the unexpected and faintly bitter taste on Jin Guangyao’s tongue answered the question he hadn’t asked as Lan Xichen realized with a flurried rush of his pulse that he was tasting himself.

Lan Xichen felt flustered all over again, his mouth hesitating for a split second as he swallowed the realization... but the hesitation quickly passed as he let his tongue press more confidently against Jin Guangyao’s, kissing him deeper. If Jin Guangyao was willing to do such a thing for him, it felt nothing less than ungrateful to avoid kissing him afterward.

They kissed heatedly for a moment or so more while Lan Xichen regained a bit of his composure, though he was far from unaware of Jin Guangyao’s state, could see the shape of his cock just as clearly beneath his pants just as Lan Xichen’s had been not so long ago, and while he didn’t know if he could be so bold as to take him into his mouth just yet, he longed to touch him, wanted to give Jin Guangyao the same pleasure he’d been given.

Lan Xichen reached his hands forward, where they settled briefly on Jin Guangyao’s hips, fingertips stroking over the bare skin as he gathered his nerve... after a moment, he let his hand drift across Jin Guangyao’s lap, until he could feel the shape of Jin Guangyao’s cock beneath his palm.

Jin Guangyao didn’t seem nearly so shaken by the sensation as Lan Xichen had been, but he did moan encouragingly into Lan Xichen’s mouth, his fingers pressing back into Lan Xichen’s hair as his tongue pressed a bit deeper into his mouth. Lan Xichen’s hand began to experimentally rub along the shaft, feeling it... firm up a bit more beneath his hand, and after a moment, Jin Guangyao’s hips started to press forward into the contact, lifting up until he was up on his knees in front of Lan Xichen, Lan Xichen’s head tilted back to continue being so thoroughly kissed as his hand continued to stroke Jin Guangyao, wondering when he should reach inside...

Before he could spend much time thinking about it, he felt Jin Guangyao gently guiding him up onto his knees to meet him--and before Lan Xichen’s hand could do much else, Jin Guangyao had slid it away from his cock and around to his back, his own arm wrapping around Lan Xichen in turn to pull their bodies flush together.

Somehow, feeling Jin Guangyao’s arousal pressing firmly against him was... just as intimate as holding it against his hand, and though his own cock had gone semi-soft after coming, he found it stiffening once more at the brand new sensation. 

The kiss continued as Jin Guangyao’s arms wrapped around him, and Lan Xichen did his part in helping to press their bodies flush, the heat of Jin Guangyao’s skin pressed all along his chest its own reward.

Jin Guangyao’s hands began to move again, fingertips dancing lightly all along his back, moving up as they started to rub circles into his muscles once more, before then began to work their way back down, to his lower back and then... Lan Xichen’s attention was almost solely focused on Jin Guangyao’s hands as they slipped beneath the lowered waist of his pants to cup the curve of his ass, and when they squeezed, even the rather gentle pressure was enough to make Lan Xichen moan as his cock gave an eager twitch and his hips pressed forward.

He... he thought he knew where this was going, where Jin Guangyao’s hands were heading. His mind almost reeled to think of it, because... he could probably count the times he’d seriously thought of the two of them together on both hands, having believed such a thing would never come to pass, and when he’d fantasized about it, their activities had usually just involved the eager exploration of yearning mouths and hands. Lan Xichen knew there was more, of course, he’d just never gone so far as to dream of it, to think about... who would be doing what or touching who where, but...

He couldn’t say he had any complaints about this. Jin Guangyao seemed to know what he was doing in a way that Lan Xichen didn’t and Lan Xichen trusted him implicitly to do whatever it was he had in mind.

Besides, Lan Xichen would be lying to say he wasn’t desperately interested to... find out what it would feel like, to experience the sensation of having something or... someone inside.

So Lan Xichen almost expected it as Jin Guangyao’s fingers moved inward, as his fingertips nearly ghosted along the space between his cheeks, seemingly gauging Lan Xichen’s reaction... which was overwhelmingly positive, his breath catching again, a soft sort of whimper escaping his mouth as he was caught off guard at the arousal such a sensation caused. 

Jin Guangyao’s fingers traced back over the cleft a second time, more firmly than before but still not pressing between them, and Lan Xichen felt his grip on Jin Guangyao tightening a bit more.

The kiss turned softer, lighter, and Jin Guangyao pulled away as little as possible to ask in that same low voice as before, “Have you ever been touched here?”

Lan Xichen shivered faintly, feeling his cheeks heat up again as he answered, “No.”

Jin Guangyao bit gently at his lip, his hips shifting forward and briefly drawing Lan Xichen’s attention down to where their cocks were pressed closed together. “Really?” Jin Guangyao pressed with a sort of curious amusement as the fingertip moved lightly up and down. Though Lan Xichen’s eyes were closed, he didn’t need to look to hear the playful smile in his voice. “Not even on your own? You weren’t ever curious enough to try?”

Lan Xichen realized suddenly he was being teased and he let out a breathless huff, feeling himself smiling in spite of the tingle of pleasure creeping up his spine. “Really, A-Yao, I haven’t,” he confirmed, mocking a touch of indignation to play along, “but you say it as though you have.”

Jin Guangyao let out his own light laugh and stole a quick kiss, before he confessed simply, “Perhaps because I have.”

Though Lan Xichen was going to offer no protest to the placement or... future placement of Jin Guangyao’s fingers... he couldn’t say that the thought of Jin Guangyao in bed, touching and fingering himself was any less an inciting mental picture. He huffed out another breath, though this one had far less to do with amusement and far more to do with arousal.

“It can be... quite sensual,” Jin Guangyao said, his voice taking on a more serious, breathless tone once again as he pressed a few more kisses on and off, his fingertip applying just the faintest bit of pressure between Lan Xichen’s cheeks. “I can show you, if you’d like. Would you... allow me that honor, Er-Ge?”

The lead up, the question was... no surprise; Lan Xichen had seen it coming ever since Jin Guangyao had moved his hands... yet actually hearing Jin Guangyao ask him in such a formal way left him a little stunned. It was hard to put into words, but it felt... Jin Guangyao made it feel like Lan Xichen was giving him some monumental gift, like letting Jin Guangyao touch him in such a way was the highest favor he could be granted. Though nothing would change Lan Xichen’s mind, it made a decision Lan Xichen had already committed to... feel more precious suddenly, made the choice seem... more intimate. 

Fighting past the stupor, he nodded vaguely, before he sucked in a breath and forced out a soft, “Yes.”

Jin Guangyao kissed him deeply again, and Lan Xichen all but melted into him. His arms slid up over Jin Guangyao’s shoulders, looping behind his back, as Jin Guangyao’s hands... actually moved away from behind him, and instead moved to the waist of his pants, where they slide the fabric down slowly of the curve of his ass, until the pants fell easily to the floor, pooling around his knees. 

Then Jin Guangyao’s hands were back on his ass again, squeezing and massaging for a brief moment, before Lan Xichen once again felt Jin Guangyao’s fingers tracing down over the cleft... He pressed between them and when his fingers rubbed a firm circle against Lan Xichen’s entrance, Lan Xichen felt a deep shudder roll through him--his hips jerked forward for friction, before immediately rolling back towards Jin Guangyao’s fingers, unsure which stimulation he wanted more.

Either way, Jin Guangyao delivered. His hips pressed firmly against Lan Xichen’s, while his fingers rubbed boldly, tracing a few circles against the rim, before swiping them up and down in a slow, steady motion. It was... strange, but exhilarating, to have Jin Guangyao touching him in such a private place, and... Lan Xichen could feel the arousal building beneath his skin all over again, as his breaths once more grew heavy. Despite not even knowing what to expect, his body was still eager for it.

“How does it feel?” Jin Guangyao asked tenderly, just as his fingertip applied a bit of pressure, sinking inside the tiniest fraction before retreating--a sensation by itself that was enough to punch the breath out of Lan Xichen. 

As if already knowing the answer, there was another smile in Jin Guangyao’s voice as he asked, “Would you like more?”

Lan Xichen didn’t bother speaking up this time; he nodded, and Jin Guangyao replied with a few short kisses before he started to pull away.

Gaining a bit of clarity, he felt Jin Guangyao gently moving the pants at his knees, and when he realized what he was doing, he quickly helped him remove them, pushing them aside with the rest of his clothing. Being completely nude left him feeling... oddly vulnerable--though it was mostly odd because of how intense the feeling suddenly was, despite having hardly any less coverage than he’d had a moment ago... although that was perhaps also enhanced by the reminder that Jin Guangyao still had his pants and open top on, having not nearly as much exposed skin as Lan Xichen now did.

With one final kiss... Jin Guangyao suddenly stood up and crossed to the wardrobe in his room, bending down to open one of the drawers as Lan Xichen watched him curiously. It didn’t take him long, and a moment later, he was returning to kneel back down with Lan Xichen, a small clay jar in hand. He opened the jar and tipped it over, pouring a clear, shiny substance generously over his fingers before setting the jar aside carefully.

Lan Xichen didn’t ask what it was--but he didn’t need to, as Jin Guangyao quickly resumed their earlier arrangement. He leaned in to kiss Lan Xichen and he pulled their bodies close together just as before, and when Jin Guangyao’s fingers returned to his entrance, Lan Xichen could feel the way they slid easily against the skin as they rubbed the slick substance amply over the rim. The texture of the oil between Jin Guangyao’s fingers and his entrance was a whole new sensation to suddenly get used to, but Jin Guangyao didn’t spare him much time before one of his fingertips was again pressing up against Lan Xichen’s hole, and without much effort, the digit slipped past the rim.

The finger pressed inside slowly, wiggling and rocking only as much as it needed to--Lan Xichen was no expert, of course, but... it seemed to go in without much trouble. It didn’t take long to feel the base of Jin Guangyao’s hand against his entrance, and as the finger started to rock in and out of his hole casually, there wasn’t any discomfort. It... was an unusual sensation, nothing like Lan Xichen had ever felt before, small and certainly intimate... and it was probably the awareness of the touch being erotic that aroused him as much as the slight actual sensation did.

Either way, though the kiss had definitely grown sloppy as it suffered from his split attention, he was able to keep it up, arms finding a comfortable place around Jin Guangyao’s shoulders as his finger moved inside, nice and slow for a while... before he started to speed up the pace a bit.

“If it gets to be too much, or if you don’t like it, tell me,” Jin Guangyao breathed against his lips, the words just barely audible over the soft huffs of Lan Xichen’s breathing. “One protest, one whisper from you, Er-Ge, and I’ll stop.” 

Maybe Lan Xichen was just hearing things... but there was almost an edge of desperation in Jin Guangyao’s voice, as if stopping was the last thing he would ever want to do, and as the finger started to move a little faster... Lan Xichen was starting to feel like it was the last thing he’d want Jin Guangyao to do as well.

“One word and it’s done,” Jin Guangyao continued, his voice just as heady. The finger pressed in deep, and swirled around slowly inside of him, which was an even more curious sensation. “I only want to pleasure you.”

The finger slid all the way out then, and Lan Xichen felt... two fingertips pressed at his hole this time. Just as slowly as the first time, both fingers started pressing--it didn’t seem to take much more effort to get them inside, but... the slight stretch was more obvious now. One finger had felt strange but almost negligible, two fingers... as they pressed in deeper, spread his hole more... there was nothing negligible about it now. Lan Xichen’s hips arched back a little into the sensation as Jin Guangyao’s fingers rocked in a little more gradually, filling him up a little at a time.

He realized suddenly that he’d stopped kissing Jin Guangyao, the movement faltering as he adjusted to the new sensation, but as Jin Guangyao found a slow pace to thrust his fingers at, Lan Xichen pressed his lips to Jin Guangyao’s again, all too happy to get back to kissing him.

It felt... it felt good. There was a slow, steady ripple of pleasure at having his rim stretched, and at the pressure of the fingers moving inside, and it wasn’t hard for Lan Xichen to understand why someone would enjoy the sensation. It wasn’t the intense feeling of having Jin Guangyao’s mouth on his cock, but it was certainly a welcome feeling.

He was forced to eat the words almost immediately after thinking them.

The angle of Jin Guangyao’s fingers had been adjusting slightly as they moved and as they pressed more firmly against the front wall inside, Lan Xichen’s entire body seemed to go rigged at the sudden deep satisfaction of whatever Jin Guangyao had found. And of course, his reaction to the touch was painfully obvious with the way he’d tensed up and his breath had stuttered. 

Jin Guangyao bit playfully at his lip, then decided to show no mercy. 

His fingers continued to thrust at that delicious angle, stretching the rim as they pressed in deep, and grazing over the spot that quickly had Lan Xichen on the verge of quaking with... whatever it was doing to him. Whatever calm he’d gained at the gentle pace of a single digit was quickly shirked away as Jin Guangyao’s fingers moved inside of him.

He tried to keep up with the kiss at first,  but it didn’t take long before his focus was pulled away, especially as Jin Guangyao moved his fingers quicker, purposefully provoking the sensation that seemed to somehow echo through his entire lower body. Lan Xichen soon needed his mouth for breathing more than he needed it for kissing, his exhales becoming helplessly tainted with sound as his head started to feel like it... like it was fogging over, like the unfamiliar sensation of intoxication making his head swim as Jin Guangyao’s fingers kept working.

After just a moment, Lan Xichen felt Jin Guangyao’s free hand at the back of his head. It gently guided his face down to the crook of Jin Guangyao’s neck, cradling it there lovingly. Through the growing haze of the arousal, he felt Jin Guangyao nuzzling into his hair gently as he soothed, “I’ve got you, Er-Ge. Just hold onto me.”

Lan Xichen did as he was told, his arms securing themselves around Jin Guangyao’s shoulders, letting his face get comfortable in the heat at the curve of Jin Guangyao’s neck--and as soon as he’d settled into this new position, Lan Xichen realized Jin Guangyao had actually still been showing him quite a bit of mercy until then.

His fingers gave up the charade of thrusting entirely, instead just pressing inside as much as they needed so that his fingertips were pressed right up against the most sensitive spot, and now, instead of brushing past it with each thrust... they started rubbing over it in the most pointed way possible.

Instantly, a moan punched out of him, barely muffled by Jin Guangyao’s skin, his arms tightening around Jin Guangyao as desperately as if someone were going to try to pull him out of his grip--though he couldn’t honestly say what he was thinking, if anything, because suddenly all there was, the only thing was the overwhelming pressure of Jin Guangyao’s fingers inside of him, moving back and forth, up and down, rubbing circles mercilessly against the spot until Lan Xichen’s head was absolutely spinning, until he was sure that holding onto Jin Guangyao was the only thing keeping him upright as his entire body seemed to be trembling under the onslaught.

“Shhhh, shhhh,” Jin Guangyao hushed him gently, making Lan Xichen finally aware of all the noise he was making, the breathless whimpers and shaking moans pouring from his mouth. Not wanting the sound to travel beyond their room, he instantly tried to suppress the noise to deep, rushed breaths and though it was still far from silent, it would have to be enough.

Jin Guangyao’s hand stroked Lan Xichen’s hair delicately, in such sharp contrast to the sensation his fingers were causing down below and already Lan Xichen felt like an overripe fruit, one soft bite away from bursting, he felt overheated and dizzied, felt like he was on the verge of drowning in a pleasure the likes of which he’d never even imagined before...

And then Jin Guangyao’s hips pressed close to his again, and his fingertips rubbed even quicker inside of him--and there was nothing Lan Xichen could do to limit the desperate sound that rolled out of him as the orgasm seized him, the sensation somehow deeper than the first one had been, like it was punching out of him from the base of his spine, like it was echoing through his entire abdomen as his body tensed with it, his hole clenching tightly around the fingers inside.

When the orgasm released him, it was like someone had cut the strings that had been holding him up; he practically collapsed his whole weight against Jin Guangyao, who managed quite impressively to keep them from toppling over onto the floor, though it did take him a few seconds to regain his balance with the new weight leaning into him.

Jin Guangyao let out a soft laugh as his hand went back to stroking Lan Xichen’s hair, and Lan Xichen... felt a dazed smile curling at the corner of his lips in spite of himself. 

“Er-Ge, you seemed to enjoy that even more than I’d hoped,” he said, his tone faintly playful again as he scattered a few kisses against Lan Xichen’s head.

Lan Xichen huffed out a breath, the most laughter he could manage when his head was still swimming. “I think you’re underestimating yourself, A-Yao,” he protested faintly. “Perhaps you’re better at this then you’ve let on.”

“Perhaps,” Jin Guangyao replied ambiguously with another light laugh. “Either way, I’ll take it as a compliment.”

“You--ah,” Lan Xichen interrupted himself with a gasp as he suddenly felt Jin Guangyao’s fingers starting to move inside of him again, the slowest possible slide in and out as they seemed careful to avoid directly pressing into the stimulating spot inside. Even still, it was hard to express how it made him feel to be reminded of where Jin Guangyao’s fingers were and what they were doing. 

“You should,” he exhaled, before rolling his face more firmly against Jin Guangyao’s neck. “I meant it as one.”

Lan Xichen fell back into a rhythm of faint panting as Jin Guangyao’s fingers resumed their thrusting. Even without that intense stimulation, Lan Xichen still felt his arousal building again, the pleasure rippling out slowly from each movement. It was hard to say what was more arousing about it though. Was it the actual sensation, the stretching of his hole as Jin Guangyao made a dedicated effort to open him up, his fingers spreading apart every few thrusts to prepare him for what was coming next? 

Or... was it more of a mental arousal? Because now that Lan Xichen had a bit of mental energy to spare, he... he was aware how... obscene this was. He was being slowly fingered open by his dearest friend... and unless Lan Xichen was wrong about the trajectory of this activity, they’d soon be doing something far more intimate. This whole evening was breaking more of his sect’s rules than Lan Xichen cared to tally up right now, and if his uncle ever found out... Well, that wasn’t exactly what he wanted to think about at the moment, but he was sure it would result in quite an ugly reaction. But something about how forbidden this was added a definite layer of incitement to what they were doing that Lan Xichen wouldn’t bother denying.

Perhaps it was silly to try to untangle the two. Perhaps the mental and physical stimulations were intrinsically tied together and trying to figure out which was which was a fruitless exercise. Even still, it didn’t stop Lan Xichen from considering it for a few moments as Jin Guangyao’s fingers rocked inside of him.

He was thoroughly distracted from the thoughts soon after though, as Jin Guangyao’s fingers pulled out, more of the slick substance was added to them, and when they were replaced... Jin Guangyao was pressing a third finger inside along the first two.

The new stretch was all Lan Xichen could really focus on as Jin Guangyao nudged his fingers in deeper, just a little bit at a time, having to press a bit harder than before to get them to fit, even as Lan Xichen let his body relax as much as possible to accommodate them. Even still... Jin Guangyao moved gently, took his time, and despite certainly feeling the tension more distinctly against his rim, Lan Xichen couldn’t say it hurt. He... was expecting it to, eventually, as even he was privy to a certain amount of gossip about such activities, but so far, even as he felt Jin Guangyao’s fingers pressing all the way inside, there was no pain.

Jin Guangyao gently lifted his face after a moment, his mouth seeking Lan Xichen’s and Lan Xichen gladly indulged him. He let out a content breath, feeling himself relax more as he fell into the now familiar rhythm of their kissing. 

Time blurred; as they kissed and as Jin Guangyao’s fingers began to move more smoothly inside of him with each passing moment, Lan Xichen felt like... like he was floating, like he was hovering far about the ground, the whole world going soft and blissful for a long while as all he had to think about were the complementary movements of Jin Guangyao’s fingers and tongue. After a bit, he lifted his own hand, stroking his fingers affectionately through Jin Guangyao’s hair again.

At some point along the way, the soft bliss became tinted with an underlying urgency. As Jin Guangyao’s fingers became free to move more quickly, Lan Xichen felt his breathing increasing again and felt his cock hardening once more between their hips--he felt Jin Guangyao spread his fingers apart on a few thrusts, before finally... he slipped them out.

Lan Xichen felt his pulse rushing, the anticipation building beneath his skin, and as Jin Guangyao broke the kiss, Lan Xichen opened his eyes. He watched as Jin Guangyao settled back down on his knees, as he finally opened up his pants to free his cock, before drizzling a bit more of the oil from the jar over it, stroking it slowly a few times, the motion almost... hypnotizing in the warm glow of the candlelit room.

When Jin Guangyao looked back up at him... there was an achingly sweet smile on his face, his expression full of warmth and affection. He reached for Lan Xichen’s hip, and Lan Xichen let himself be guided forward, until he was straddling Jin Guangyao’s lap, until his hips had lowered just enough and Jin Guangyao could line the head of his cock up against his entrance.

Jin Guangyao tugged his head down a bit for a faint kiss, and told him tenderly, “Just relax, and take your time.”

Lan Xichen nodded, though he felt his cheeks flushing to realize he’d be the one in... control of their progression now, but... He could do it. He wanted this, wanted to feel Jin Guangyao inside of him, wanted... wanted Jin Guangyao to feel the same sort of pleasure he’d already given Lan Xichen twice over, because Jin Guangyao deserved that, and because... Lan Xichen cared so deeply for him and he wanted Jin Guangyao to know it. The fear of pain lingered faintly in the back of his head, but... he pushed it aside. It would be worth it, to give Jin Guangyao this.

He started to lower his hips, making sure to let out a slow exhale to keep himself relaxed... and without much fuss, the head slipped inside. 

He was... caught off guard briefly, by the difference. Jin Guangyao was... perhaps the slightest bit thicker than those three fingers had been, though perhaps it was the... texture of it inside, the heat of it compared to the fingers that was most striking. A slight shiver worked through him, as he was stunned by the thought that Jin Guangyao’s cock was inside of him, and he took a few slow breaths to steady himself before continuing.

Following Jin Guangyao’s words, he did take his time. His hips lowered an inch or so at a time, before breathing, adjusting, taking in the new stretch and the strange feeling of it, which only grew stranger the deeper it pressed, particularly as it pressed past the first few inches that Jin Guangyao’s fingers had been able to reach. Jin Guangyao’s face settled patiently against Lan Xichen’s chest, nuzzling and kissing him warmly as he let Lan Xichen work at his own pace.

Then, sooner than he’d expected, Lan Xichen... found himself resting on Jin Guangyao’s lap, his cock buried completely inside. And it... it felt good. He was still adjusting to the stretch of it, to the feeling of fullness, it was still an odd sensation... but as he gave his hips the tiny roll and felt it shifting inside of him, his body shuddered with the sudden wave of arousal it caused.

Jin Guangyao pressed a kiss to his collar bone, and asked, “How is it?”

Caught unaware by the question, Lan Xichen quite accidentally blurted the thought at the forefront of his mind. “It doesn’t hurt.”

“Well... that’s good,” Jin Guangyao replied in an almost unsure tone, before asking curiously, “Did you expect it to?”

Of course, Lan Xichen realized that ‘doesn’t hurt’ wasn’t exactly the most encouraging thing he could have said in this situation and immediately felt a bit embarrassed--though perhaps feeling embarrassed just now, with Jin Guangyao’s cock seated fully inside of him, was a bit silly. Even still, he responded almost sheepishly (now wondering if he’d heard wrong, somehow), “I... heard that it hurt, the first time.”

“Oh,” Jin Guangyao said, sounding relieved as he pressed his forehead to Lan Xichen’s skin. He shook his head vaguely, then kissed Lan Xichen’s chest. “Yes, it can. If couples are... too eager to get to the act and rush into it, it can hurt,” he explained, which made Lan Xichen feel a bit less ridiculous for his fear. He kissed Lan Xichen’s chest again, letting it linger a bit longer before he added, “But it doesn’t have to.” 

That... made sense, Lan Xichen supposed. And it... explained why Jin Guangyao had taken so long, opening him up one finger at a time they way he had.

Jin Guangyao’s head lifted from his chest, and Lan Xichen felt the hand on his neck gently turning his head so that their eyes could meet--where the earnest look in Jin Guangyao’s eyes was almost overwhelming in its sincerity.

“The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you,” he said with such a suddenly serious tone that it... shook Lan Xichen, almost to his core. “You’ve never been anything but kind towards me, you’ve never looked down on me. Even when everyone saw me as worthless, you... you never did. I can’t tell you how much that’s meant to me, and I... I would never want to hurt you, Er-Ge. You know that, don’t you?”

There was a hint of desperation seeping into the words, as if Jin Guangyao would be willing to beg if that was what it took for Lan Xichen to believe him, as if there was nothing he wouldn’t do to make Lan Xichen understand...

Lan Xichen couldn’t know where the sudden plea was coming from but... Jin Guangyao didn’t need to struggle to make him understand such a thing. His hand moved to gently cradle Jin Guangyao’s face, his expression softening into a compassionate smile. “I know, A-Yao,” he comforted him softly, hesitating only a second before pressing a kiss to the corner of his lips.

“I know,” he reassured him, kissing him again as he felt a tension he hadn’t even noticed fading from Jin Guangyao’s grip on him. “Of course I know.” Lan Xichen kissed him once more, letting their lips move together for a moment, thumb stroking gently along Jin Guangyao’s jaw, before he returned the question. “And you know I feel the same, don’t you? I would never hurt you. You mean the world to me.”

In just a few short years... Jin Guangyao had become his closet confidant, his dearest friend... He was sometimes the only person in the whole world with whom Lan Xichen felt he could truly relax and... just be. And of course, Lan Xichen loved his brother, loved his uncle, but... sometimes trying to have a conversation with his brother was as strenuous as trying to translate some ancient text with an incomplete key that he’d had to put together himself... and the need to meet every one of his uncle’s lofty expectations of him was weight enough to be crushed under, a near daily torment as he was forced to consider every way in which he could turn out a disappointment, which was a torment that had only seemed to double in its intensity in the years since Lan Wangji’s divergence from his Uncle’s wishes. 

Being with Jin Guangyao, being able to sit with him and chat and smile was... sometimes it felt like the only time he was actually able to breathe. 

He loved him. He wasn’t sure he could say that just now, but... he knew it in his heart to be true.

The fervent expression Jin Guangyao wore seemed to soften at those words. His eyes slipped shut as he let out a relieved sigh... and when he opened them a moment later, his gaze was soft and sentimental once more. He pressed his lips up to Lan Xichen’s, and only pulled away to whisper softly, “Thank you.”

Lan Xichen felt his own lips curling a bit as he leaned back into the kiss, taking a long moment to indulge himself. When he finally spoke again, he barely parted their lips to prompt playfully, “Thank you for what?”

Jin Guangyao clearly picked up on the change in tone and huffed out a soft breath, taking the opportunity to lighten the mood. “I’m not sure exactly,” he replied, shaking his head the tiniest bit. “For... everything, I think. Or maybe,” his hand drifted down over the curve of Lan Xichen’s ass and he gave it a light squeeze as he teased, “for this?”

“A-Yao!” Lan Xichen rebutted with a touch of surprise, his tone almost-scolding, though he clearly didn’t mean it seriously as his chest shook with a soft laugh. He leaned down to kiss Jin Guangyao again to try to ignore the heat rising to his face. It wasn’t like he’d forgotten that Jin Guangyao was inside of him, but being squeezed so unexpectedly brought his attention sharply back down to the area where Jin Guangyao’s cock was filling him quite nicely, where... he’d had more than enough time to get used to the new sensation.

“What?” Jin Guangyao protested with an almost innocent grin as his hands moved to settle on Lan Xichen’s hips. He let his head drift down to press a kiss at the hollow of Lan Xichen’s throat, his voice dropping into an almost sultry tone. “Does Er-Ge not want my gratitude?” 

Before Lan Xichen could be bothered to answer, Jin Guangyao’s hips rolled beneath him as his hands helped Lan Xichen roll into them, and the shift of the cock inside of him made him more concerned about sucking in a breath then trying to come up with a reply.

“Although, even if you asked, I don’t think I could stop being grateful to you,” Jin Guangyao continued, now letting his mouth trail across Lan Xichen’s collar bone. His hips rolled again, and this time Lan Xichen picked up on it only a bit too late, and he moved his own hips, though he still shivered at the resulting sensation.

“You’ve given me so much, Er-Ge,” he went on sweetly, leaning a bit forward as his mouth and kisses trailed down Lan Xichen’s chest. “Much more than I could ever say.” 

When his hips moved again, Lan Xichen was ready for it, and he moved in tandem, their bodies rolling together this time, the sensation inside combining with the brush of his own cock against Jin Guangyao’s stomach.

“So perhaps I can express it better like this.” His lips finally reached their destination and wrapped around his nipple, letting the heat of his tongue drag across it.

Lan Xichen’s breath immediately stuttered, his arms taking up their perch around Jin Guangyao’s shoulders again--and as Jin Guangyao’s hips moved, and moved again, and again, creating a steady rhythm, Lan Xichen’s movements matched him, until he was rolling his body steadily in Jin Guangyao’s lap.

The pleasure was... unbelievable. Lan Xichen almost couldn’t wrap his mind around it, the motion down below causing a steady stream of ecstasy that seemed to swirl up his spine and fill his head--and it was only reinforced as Jin Guangyao’s mouth worked on his nipple, as his lips tugged at it, his tongue swirled around it, as he sucked and then eventually started to use his teeth in a motion that was making it increasingly sensitive, until the scrape of Jin Guangyao’s teeth was sending sharp jolts of pleasure down to his cock. 

Lan Xichen’s breathing had gone ragged before long, and though he’d been matching Jin Guangyao’s pace, his body almost started moving on its own as he began to rock faster, jerking his hips forward and down quickly, to feel that spike of pleasure from the spot Jin Guangyao had stimulated with his fingers earlier. His head starting to spin, he let it drop to bury against Jin Guangyao’s hair, just trying to hold onto him as he felt the steady crawl of the approaching orgasm.

It must have been painfully obvious to Jin Guangyao, because as Lan Xichen’s movements became more frantic, Jin Guangyao’s movements became more pointed. He started to bite and tug a bit more urgently at Lan Xichen’s nipple, and just a moment later, his hand wrapped around Lan Xichen’s cock, starting to stroke him in time with the mounting motions of Lan Xichen’s hips.

It didn’t take long after that--Lan Xichen tried his best to keep his voice down, pressing his face against Jin Guangyao’s hair to muffle the noise, but there was little he could do to stifle the moan as the orgasm gripped him. His body rocked forward just a few more times before he felt himself tensing, the tightness of Jin Guangyao’s cock inside of him almost dizzying as he clamped down around it.

Before he even had time to come down from the high, he felt Jin Guangyao’s arm bracing behind his hips and head and the backward motion of his own body--and a second later he was on his back, and with a quick snap, Jin Guangyao’s hips were pressed tightly to his ass, his cock pushing inside even deeper than before as the stimulation forced a sudden, shocked gasp out of him. 

Jin Guangyao’s head immediately lifted, an apology in his eyes that immediately bled to his lips, “Sorry.”

“No,” Lan Xichen replied quickly, dismissing the apology and urging, “Keep going.” 

Not needing to be told twice, Jin Guangyao’s hips began to move again, grinding hard against him, his cock stirring around inside and making Lan Xichen’s legs naturally snap around Jin Guangyao’s waist, nearly making his vision white out--especially at the near-painful jolt as it pressed against the sensitive spot, now desperately overstimulated.

Lan Xichen heard the strain of his own half-strangled noise, and threw out a quick, “Don’t stop,” before Jin Guangyao could doubt himself again or hesitate. Jin Guangyao hadn’t come yet, and Lan Xichen wanted him to. After everything he’d done for Lan Xichen, not just tonight, but everything leading up to tonight... this euphoria was something Lan Xichen wanted so desperately to share with him that he couldn’t bear to make him stop now, not even as the overstimulation was near-devastating, the sensation walking a dangerous line between rapture and torment, something that was somehow both unwelcome and desperately needed all at once. Half of him was close to begging to make it stop while the other half was convinced that if it did stop, he’d only be begging to make it start again.

By the third brush, Lan Xichen had to pull away one of the arms desperately clinging to Jin Guangyao’s back to press his hand over his own mouth to keep from crying out as loud as his body wanted to in response to the stimulation he was receiving. His entire body was tight and his heels dug roughly into the small of Jin Guangyao’s back to make sure he wouldn’t pull away or stop; his head was pushed back against the floor, leaving the elegant line of his neck fully exposed--something that Jin Guangyao was quick to take advantage of.

His mouth latched onto a spot low on Lan Xichen’s throat; he bit down, which somehow forced Lan Xichen’s thoughts away from the turmoil of Jin Guangyao’s grinding cock. It split his focus, forced a deep breath into his lungs and knocked him out of the almost hopeless spiral that had nearly tried to pull him under.

It only took a few minutes for most of the pain to fade from the movements--the intensity was still there, he was still hypersensitive to every movement, but eventually the balance was restored, the arousal overtaking the agony and allowing him to feel less like he was about to spiral out of control. The rigidity faded from his grip as he continued to cling to Jin Guangyao, his arm collapsing away from his mouth as he got control over the sounds coming out of his throat once more.

Only then did Jin Guangyao’s pace change; his grinds began to get a little more depth, their bodies not pressed nearly so tightly together as Jin Guangyao drew back a bit more before grinding forward again... and this trend continued until the grinding had fully turned into thrusting, until Lan Xichen had a new sensation to be bowled over by as he felt the slight withdraw of Jin Guangyao’s cock before it was pressed quickly back, filling him up completely, before withdrawing again.

Jin Guangyao found his pace soon enough, and Lan Xichen slowly managed to time his exhales with every time Jin Guangyao thrust inside, the breaths sharp and noisy. After just a moment, both his arms were wrapped tightly around Jin Guangyao’s back again, this time clutching at the last remaining layer of his robes almost grateful to have something to grip as Jin Guangyao’s hips continued, as his cock thrust in over and over, and as Lan Xichen, somehow, felt the steady escalation of his arousal all over again.

Of course, it wasn’t much longer before he heard Jin Guangyao’s breathing getting heavy, felt the heat of his huffing against his skin as his mouth stayed latched onto his neck--and then Jin Guangyao’s hips began to snap a little faster, and Lan Xichen heard a soft wet smack at the end of each thrust, as it felt impossibly like Jin Guangyao’s cock was hitting even deeper than before... and then there was the faintest pause as he felt Jin Guangyao adjusting the way their hips lined up, curling Lan Xichen’s upward a bit more...

And when Jin Guangyao thrust again, Lan Xichen felt why as Jin Guangyao’s cock thrust directly into that sensitive spot and he was left gasping for air from it--the only indication Jin Guangyao needed as evidence of his accomplishment, before he accelerated into his previous pace, hips smacking together again as his breathing began to take on sound...

Lan Xichen could only half pay attention to that though, as whatever thoughts he had left were on the intense blows of pleasure, on clinging to Jin Guangyao as tightly as he could, and on not simply crying out the way his body so deeply craved to, just forced himself to pant heavy and ragged and noisy--though as he felt himself getting closer, he found himself gasping, “A-Yao, A-Yao- A-Yao.”

“Er-Ge,” Jin Guangyao rasped back, an almost hesitation in his voice, “I’m about to--”

“Come inside,” Lan Xichen replied quickly, wanting no argument, and mentally rebelling at the idea of Jin Guangyao pulling out right now, when they were both so close, when he just needed a little more...

Suddenly, Jin Guangyao surged forward, locking his lips onto Lan Xichen’s; his final few thrusts were even sharper in intensity and then--

Strangely, Lan Xichen felt it. Jin Guangyao moaned roughly against his lips and he felt.. something almost like a twitch as Jin Guangyao’s pressed into him as deeply as he could, and he felt the heat of his release inside, which by itself was enough to leave him dazed--after just a second, Jin Guangyao’s hips were grinding hard against him again, his hand moved back to eagerly stroke Lan Xichen’s cock, and a second later Lan Xichen was blindsided with his own orgasm, punctuated with a sharp moan and the background sound of tearing fabric.

A few seconds later, Lan Xichen felt all the strength sap out of him and he collapsed against the reassuringly solid floor beneath his back, while Jin Guangyao collapsed just as immediately on top of him. His face migrated into the crook of Lan Xichen’s neck as the both of them struggled for a few minutes to catch their breaths.

As his thoughts returned to him, it... really sunk in, what they had just done, what they’d just experienced together (were still technically experiencing, considering Jin Guangyao’s cock and cum very much still inside him). Before he could even help it, Lan Xichen found himself smiling, and as his heart seemed to swell with joy, the smile grew until he felt his chest shaking with a silent, gentle laugh.

Jin Guangyao must have felt his shaking, because his head lifted almost immediately... but the concern on his face faded into a faint smile once he saw Lan Xichen’s expression. His hand lifted to Lan Xichen’s jaw and he said, “That’s a good laugh, I hope.”

Lan Xichen huffed out another soft breath, his smile only growing warmer. He mimicked Jin Guangyao’s movements, reaching for his face, then leaning up to kiss him again, before he confirmed, “It is.”

He felt... happy, overjoyed, maybe more than he could ever remember feeling. After the struggle and loss and death and everything, he... he didn’t know he could feel this way. He’s not even sure he knew this sort of bliss existed until just now. He was exhausted and content and so, so in love that he could nearly cry for all that he could keep it contained within him.

He kissed Jin Guangyao again, and then again, and again... until that’s all that mattered for a little while. At some point, Jin Guangyao slid his cock out to slide up his body a bit and make kissing easier on both of them, and as the late hour settled in around both of them, their lazy, languid kissing and gently exploring hands stayed tender and non-urgent.

As Lan Xichen’s hands slid over Jin Guangyao’s back... he realized quite suddenly his fingers were moving from cloth to... skin, as they slid through a sizable tear in the back of the fabric. Lan Xichen flushed immediately as he realized that the ripping sound he’d heard earlier but hadn’t really given any thought to... was the sound of him tearing a hole in the robes.

Noticing Lan Xichen’s reaction, and the feeling of his hand directly against his back when that would otherwise be impossible, Jin Guangyao broke the kiss to venture knowingly, “You tore my robe, didn’t you?”

“I did,” Lan Xichen admitted sheepishly, thought he felt a soft, embarrassed laugh bubbling up in his chest.

Jin Guangyao huffed out his own semi-exasperated laugh and scolded, “Still can’t be trusted around laundry, I see.”

Though the smile didn’t leave his face, Lan Xichen felt himself wince internally, knowing immediately that Jin Guangyao was referring to his attempts to wash his own clothing when he’d been on the run from the Wens so many years ago. He pulled Jin Guangyao back in to kiss him again, thought he interrupted himself to ask, “How many robes did I ruin before you banned me from washing my clothes? Four?”

“Four,” Jin Guangyao repeated back to him emphatically. “We only had so many clothes that would fit you. I had to stop you or before long you would have been in hiding in the nude.”

Lan Xichen laughed quietly as Jin Guangyao kissed him again, mumbling a quiet, “I’m so sorry,” against his lips, before taking a few slow breaths to clear the laughter from his chest, before saying more sincerely, “Thank you.”

Echoing Lan Xichen’s own words from earlier, Jin Guangyao replied warmly, “Thank you for what?”

“For everything,” Lan Xichen found himself saying, understand Jin Guangyao’s earlier reply more thoroughly now than ever. There were... already so many years between them, and from Jin Guangyao sheltering him when he was on the run, to him helping him to rebuild the Cloud Recesses, to... every moment of friendship the two of them had shared... Lan Xichen wouldn’t know where to begin thanking his most precious friend. He pushed his fingers delicately back through Jin Guangyao’s hair and added, “For this.”

Jin Guangyao gave him a heart-achingly sweet smile, though the edge of his eyes almost seemed tinged with the faintest bit of sadness before he leaned in to press their lips together chastely, before agreeing softly, “Of course, Er-Ge.”

Eventually, however many minutes later, they managed to pry their mouths and bodies apart, cleaning up a bit before Lan Xichen retired to his own room to sleep. His visit this time wasn’t meant to be a long one, so after a shared breakfast, he was planning to head back to the Cloud Recesses... though before he left, he was eagerly pulled aside by Jin Guangyao into his room for a private farewell that consisted of an almost tentative kiss, until Lan Xichen happily returned it.

“Will you visit again soon?” Jin Guangyao asked him, clearly trying not to sound overeager... though if it wasn’t for Lan Xichen’s own duties as a sect leader forcing him to return home, Lan Xichen was honestly afraid he might not bother leaving at all.

“I will,” Lan Xichen replied, before, with a final long kiss, he forced himself to go.

For the whole flight back home, a smile was plastered to his face, and his thoughts were on planning his next visit to Lanling as soon as possible.

[garethito]

You know... I've been meaning to ask you about this for a while, and yesterday's tag thing that you did with those Bale gifs only like... fueled? My curiosity? Lol, if that makes sense. Could you like... relive? The Champions League final from this year for us? Like, your perspective on it? Or maybe even the actual whole day of the final? Sorry, God, I know this is weird, but I just love how you tell stories from your life! I have seen you do it with some other anons once!

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this like, you guys always send me such interesting questions and Im so??? and OMG no this is not weird stop this is such a wonderful question to ask!! And omg you liked how I told the stories to those anons that is so sweet thank you so muchhhhh ❤️❤️💝❤️💘💘💞💞💘

But also this is making me really emotional I dont think I will be able to write this without tearing up but here we go!!! I was at school today and we had a special day so we didnt make any classes, so I had time to formulate an answer to this, and to complete it at home 💞

Quick WARNING?? Yes I am perfectly aware of how crazy and overdramatic this whole story sounds, but the thing is that this is how I truly feel about this day in my life. So yeah lol. Football is basically my life!

I would like to start this by saying that the day of the 26th of May 2018 is the most important day of my entire life as a football fan. There is nothing that could even come close to this. Absolutely nothing. Never in my life have I cried like in that night. Never. Absolutely never. I have looked at my life as a person, at my hardest times, when I cried a lot, but not even that can even slightly compare to the amount of crying that I have done on that glorious day of May 7 months ago. When I say crying, though, I dont actually mean crying, no. I mean violently sobbing, screaming at the top of my lungs, shaking and feeling numb. But in the best way possible, the happiest tears that I ever shedded.

My actual perspective, like you said, though, starts from the 2nd of May, a day after our semi-final second leg against Bayern. From that day, until the 26th, my mind, my body, my soul only thought about the final. I could not even focus on the Clasico on the 6th, neither on the last La Liga match. I was so fucking nervous, words are not sufficient to describe….. At least once every 2-3 days I would go to the bathroom with severe stomach aches and sit there until I would try to calm myself down so that my grandmother wouldnt get worried. I thank God, the Universe, or whoever you think invented life for the fact that highschool had nothing special during that period, just a few tests, that I got the best grades on, because had there been something big, I would have surely failed. That was a nightmare. Just think about it. Horrible La Liga season, then those fucking shaky as fuck second leg matches against Juve AND Bayern. I was literally so pessimistic that I am scaring myself right now thinking about it. All these bad scenarios played through my head ”What if Zizou loses his job? What if this will be the start of our downfall? What if this is the last Champions League final we will play? What if, what if, what if….”. I always tried to tell my brain how stupid I was, that we are Real Madrid and that we will win, like we always do, that we are the best fucking team in the Universe and that nobody even comes close to being like us. But its like these voices in my head wouldnt stop, it was so scary.

Come 25th of May I was an actual lifeless corpse. No matter how much I tried to call my best friend, who was in Bulgaria at that time, and telling her that I cant take this anymore, and her telling me that its going to be okay like it always is, that she doesnt really know my team well but she knows we will win, no matter how much of that was happening, I couldnt fucking stop being nervous and constantly thinking about this match.

On the morning of the 26th I woke up with a severe headache at about 8:30-9 AM. The only things that I remember from that whole day are the constant empty feeling, the amount of times I listened to Hala Madrid Y Nada Mas and the amount of pictures, videos, promotional/support videos I saw and watched. I called my friend one last time and I told her that now I am optimistic, that we will win.

My whole emotional state was ruined, however, by Gareth not starting. I dont need to explain the whole February-May Gaz-Zizou situation because I think everyone knows it too well by now and what I fucking felt about it. I have never been so enraged in my entire life. After all he has done, still no place in the starting XI. Though, this is pretty much the only thing that has ever angered me about Zizou. I love that man too much, I dont think there will ever be a coach that will ever come close to him, a coach that I will ever love as much as I loved him, but this whole situation really, really angered me. As I said, not going to get into details, I think that is enough. Though, I tried to only focus on my hardly achieved positivity about the match. 

The match started and my emotional state reached its lowest point. I couldnt take it anymore, I felt impossibly sick from being so nervous, I got the most severe migraine ever, my eyes were literally about to pop out ugh again, remembering that gives me chills. Dani got injured, and I got angry again, because he didnt deserve it, the World Cup was literally about to start like God give this man a break!!!

Halftime at 0-0, my optimism grew, believe it or not. I felt like we will have more urgency in the second half and that we will win this.

The second half came, with me just desperately hoping for a goal. Because we were playing so well, we deserved a reward!! And it did come, with Benzemas goal, God I felt so relieved and happy. I have seen people saying that his goal was not good but? You literally take everything that is being offered to you in a Champions League final! He scored, he gave us a goal, we were 1-0 up, and I was literally screaming from joy, I was shaking so much and I was the proudest person alive. God, I love my team. Then, Liverpools equalizer came. I didnt think anything of it. I wouldnt get rid of my optimism. I was looking at my boys and I knew we would win.

And Oh My God, here we fucking go. 

Minute 61. Gareth comes on. I was so grateful that he at least got to play 30 minutes, I literally only wanted to see him. At that time, considering everything that was happening, I was already emotionally starting to prepare for his departure to another team. I was watching him in those moments, flashbacks through my mind of all the glorious times I got to see him, all of his goals, everything.

And then…

All of a sudden…

62:58

That moment. The moment in which my soul has definitely left my body. The most beautiful moment I have ever lived in watching football. The moment in which I was the proudest person alive. A moment I will never, ever, ever forget, for as long as I get to live. The moment I have literally seen history being made, right before my eyes. The moment in which I literally evaporated, left the Earth, idk how to explain this but I hope you understand me. My idol, that had suffered so much that season, scored a fucking bicycle kick in a FUCKING UCL FINAL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. The happiest, most full of joy, best, most emotional moment. Ever. No exaggeration.

My perspective on this? Oh well, brace yourselves. If you think everything that I have written so far seems insane, get ready for this.

I was on my bed, watching the game, shaking. I saw the passes, beautiful passes, that ended up with Marcelo controling the ball (incredibly, as he always does, my Brazilian sunshine). I saw him swaying to the side, and then passing a high, aerial ball in the box. Gareth came up to meet it, with… a scissor kick. That he scored. I literally fucking exploded like there is no other word. I jumped off my fucking bed and I ran literally across the house and came back, making the most inhuman noises ever I swear. I came back to my bedroom and I collapsed on the floor and I literally started fucking bawling my eyes out, and even that seems like an understatement. Screaming at the top of my lungs, bawling my eyes out, literally all of it happening on the floor. My grandmother literally came in and she thought something happened to me, but then I just pointed to the screen and she understood lmao. And from that point onward I cannot say anything anymore, because I dont remember anything else but me on the floor, literally. After like 15 minutes I hardly even managed to get back on the bed, and guess what?

82:41

AGAIN. 

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???? I dont know what to say anymore. Like he literally toyed with everyone that night, he didnt care about anything. Again, with a pass from Marcelo, he literally goes from FAR FAR FAR away and he shoots and… scores?? How much do you think my poor fragile self can handle? Like, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SAY TO THAT?? Except for bawling your eyes out even more, if thats even possible? Its been 7 months and I still dont have words for what happened that night, like 2 goals ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WAS LITERALLY DEAD LIKE ??? I LOST EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MY SANITY THAT NIGHT. 2 goals, 2 goals in 20 minutes, he was about to get a fucking hattrick. A fucking HATTRICK IN HALF AN HOUR, but Karius unfortunately stopped that shot.

The match ended and… I dont remember anything other than barely seeing the screen, I literally had a blurred vision.

We fucking won it. We DID IT. THE DECIMOTERCERA WAS OURS.

In the moment in which Sergio lifted it I… I dont have words, did I go into another Universe, did I ascend, did my soul leave my body I dont even know but what I do know is that I spent the rest of the night, up until like 6AM, crying my heart out. And this is what I mean by ”I have never cried so much in my entire life”. Like I have never spent a whole night crying.

I went to bed at like 6:30, woke up at like.. 10?? I think you can imagine how I woke up, I literally felt like I was going to die but I spent the rest of the day catching up on everything that happened the entire night.

And then, of course, the celebrations, Cibeles, Bernabeu… of course your sensitive girl bawled her eyes out again lol!

Every day ever since it happened, I have always been thinking about this day. About all of it. No point in counting how many times I rewatched the goals lol! But I think you can imagine haha 💘

So yeah, this is pretty much it DSLKFDKJFKDFJKDFK. The story about my best ever day of watching football I made it unecessarily long (Im so sorry). I think the only conclusion that I can get from this is Hala Madrid Y Gareth Y Nada Mas lol! 💘💘

[alohdark]

If u still accepting prompts: I've never read a frank/matt coffeshop!au before?? Anything about amazing blind barista!Matt who could tell coffe from its smell, and Frank as one those boring customer who ordered black coffe everytime and drink it like water— until one day Matt recommend him their new product and its silly name made Frank almost laugh to death. (Bonus point if they bicker like old married couple)

So they don’t really bicker per say so no bonus points. But I hope you like the tiny bit of mentioning of bickering that sorta is in here? (I hope you like it all too!)

Frank didn’t know why he kept going to this tiny coffee shop. He no longer walked Lisa or Jr to school, they lived with their mom on the other side of the city now. He didn’t need to stop by this shop and buy himself a coffee and buy her her favorite bear claw. In fact, going there was out of his way. But he still went. 

The shop changed hands from the elderly couple to a new owner, and some times barista, who was blind. This wasn’t significant except he seemed to be able to use his blindness to his advantage and create the most amazing coffee concoctions. Or at least, that’s what Frank was told. That’s what turned the tiny barely there coffee shop into a regular stop for many more people than had ever frequented it before.

He stopped going for a while, his shifts had changed from starting in the late morning to the very early hours. When his hours shifted back, Frank found himself at a loss of what to do with his time. He still got up much earlier than he needed to but he had nothing to do with his time.

It was without really thinking about it that Frank found himself at the coffee shop ordering his usual. Large, no sugar, black. He took his cup from the barista, a young girl with that plastic customer service smile and sat down in the back corner. 

The place got more popular in his absence but that didn’t bother Frank. He sat and he read his paper and watched the other patrons until his coffee was gone and it was nearing time when it would be acceptable to get ready for work. He ordered another cup, large black with no sugar, on his way out.

Without realizing it, that became Frank’s new routine. He’d get up in the morning, work out, shower, and go for coffee with either his paper or a book to read while he drank it. Usually the young girl was behind the counter but sometimes the owner himself was there. Frank became a regular, and on the slow days his coffee was being poured and handed to him before he could finish paying for it. 

Frank heard the commotion over the drinks the owner invented. Heard the crowds rave about it. Could even smell the different ingredients some days. But even when the baristas tried to tease him into ordering something different, Frank would just smile and wink and take his coffee black. 

Slowly Frank came to know the owner, who was never pushy about the drinks he made. He was friendly, attractive, and smarter than anyone Frank had ever met. Not so much in the scientist sort of smart, but his intuition and wit were sharp. Sometimes Matt would come over to Frank while he was drinking his coffee, fingers trailing along the wall and the back of Frank’s chair before finding the unoccupied one next to him. 

More and more often as Frank came, Matt was behind the counter in some capacity. It was a spot of brightness that Frank didn’t realize he’d come to rely on as much as the caffeine to get his day started. Sometimes they talked for hours, other times they spoke only a few minutes. Frank was never bored, though he was often accused of being ‘boring’ because of his drink choice. Even after months and months of listening to and smelling Matt’s random concoctions Frank never drank his coffee anything but unsweet and black. 

The first time they argued, Frank was sure he was going to be kicked out and banished at any moment. But he and Matt debated, passionately, their sides of the argument, a quarrel over the judgment in the case of a local kid, and at the end it was a stalemate. 

Before Frank left that day, Matt gave him a third cup with a smile. “On the house.” he said. “Though I expect you to have a better argument for your stance tomorrow.” 

Frank didn’t, but they also didn’t continue the debate. Not that week at least. It was easy to talk to Matt. Frank found himself drawn more and more to him, seeing him as a friend. His first true friend since he’d left the service. But Matt made it easy to be comfortable with him, even when they were annoyed at each other. Frank tried not to overstep his boundaries, aware he might think of Matt as a friend but he was still mainly a customer. Matt may have been the owner, but he was also in the service industry where people relied on others for livelihood and couldn’t always voice their real opinions about the customers. So Frank always waited for Matt to come over and join him, never forcing him into a situation the man didn’t want. Some days Matt stayed behind the counter but most days he sought Frank out.

Matt was behind the register the next time Frank entered the shop. His smile bright and his hands quick as he helped the only other guest before Frank. He was chuckling to himself as he asked Frank if he’d liked to try their drink of the day ‘You mocha me crazy.’

“No.” Frank said, his voice light with humor. “Just the usual.”

Matt smiled and shrugged before turning to pour the simple drink. They didn’t talk that day, but it was okay. Frank was satisfied with his coffee and the warmth in his chest that had nothing to do with his drink.

The next time Matt was behind the counter when Frank entered he didn’t wait before asking if Frank wanted to try their new ‘I’ve been think about you a latte.’

Frank rolled his eyes and it became a semi frequent routine after that. If Matt was behind the counter and could get over before Frank ordered, he offered a ridiculously pun named coffee, which Frank always refused. Frank felt bad for whoever Matt was making write down the names of these drinks on the chalk board outside. The names were dumb and sometimes very long winded.

It was a day when Matt was no where to be seen when Frank entered the coffee shop that he finally gave in to Matt’s original concoctions. Not because the barista suggested it, but because Matt was standing before his chair as Frank was about to leave and holding it out to him. He looked faintly embarrassed and just held it out saying “Would you please try this for me?”

Frank couldn’t resist him, couldn’t say no to that voice that sounded so small and unsure. So unlike the Matt he’d come to know. He reached out and took the cup, inhaling as he brought it up to his lips. It was definitely coffee but it also held an earthy scent, and maybe a hint of mint. He took a slow sip, hoping it wasn’t going to be overly sweet. And it wasn’t. It was heavy and smooth on his tongue and sort of smokey with just a hint of mint to it. It wasn’t something Frank could see himself drinking all the time, but it was delicious. Frank took another sip, a longer one this time and watched as the smile bloomed on Matt’s face.

“Any good?” Matt asked with a smirk.

“What’s this one called?” Frank said in reply.

“You’ve turned me down before but I’m asking for an extra shot.” Matt said causing Frank to roll his eyes.

“You always give them such stupid names.” Frank told him with a chuckle.

Matt’s smile could have brightened up even the deepest of caves. “How about next time you just ask for the Gunpowder Brew?” A look of hesitation crossed his face and the embarrassed blush was back on his cheek. “And maybe my number, too, the next time you’re here.”

Frank’s eyes went wide as he watched Matt quickly turn around and disappear into the back room. A smile stretched itself far across his lips and he felt as stupid as the coffee’s name but he didn’t care. He nodded and said goodbye to the barista who was laughing at them from behind the counter.

Tomorrow he’d come a little earlier for his coffee, and maybe with dinner reservations already set.

[honeyrose-tea]

hey, sorry I've been absent, I'm having some problems with my computer so I've spent the past week trying to deal with that. I did actually listen to the song you posted. it sounded amazing! how have you been? hows school? tell me about this dream that you had. -🌙

I'm sorry your computer has been giving you a hard time, that must be awful. I hope that you get it all worked out and that it doesn't end up costing too much or inconveniencing you terribly in the meantime. these days computers are our whole lives, so I'm sure it's difficult dealing with a faulty one. I'm happy to hear from you, and I hope you're doing well.

I'm really glad you liked my song. which one did you listen to? I posted two at the same time, one is called Washington and the other is called Memories You May Have Forgotten. I'm interested to hear your thoughts about what you listened to.

on the subject of songs, I covered a song that a small semi-local band that I found through a friend-of-a-friend wrote. I talked to one of the members (who I followed on twitter before I knew he was part of the band) and mentioned I was thinking of covering the song and he seemed really excited that someone liked their song enough to cover it. and his excitement made me really want to record it, so I did. I'm figuring out that having an audience is an important part of my motivation to create. I sent him the song privately and he said he really liked it, but I don't want to post it. although he was nothing but nice in our conversation I got a weird vibe off him and I don't think he likes me that much, as a person or a musician. maybe I'm reading too far into things.

as for me, I am well. I've been attending my classes online and that's going good. I do basically nothing else. all my friends are away at school too, and even if they were in town I couldn't see them. I text a bit with them, but I'm not close enough with anyone to call them. so most of my thoughts and musings stay between me, you, my journal, and occasionally my parents. it is boring but I am staying safe and getting in tune with myself again after a rough 6 months, and as I have mentioned previously I have a feeling that this time of introspection will serve me well in the months to come. thank you for asking:)

now on to the subject of the dream. it was, of course, about Eli. the backstory for this is that I'm a very cuddly person, physical touch is one of my top love languages and it's also how I give love most often. not only is it super instinctual for me to give, it's also something I crave receiving because I don't get it in many of my other relationships. the reason of course being that society has made associations between any physical touch (even strictly non-sexual) and sex/romance, so most friends and family members won't do it. there is also now the added component of covid.

the dream was set in a coffee shop that had beds instead of booths, and in my mind this was not odd at all. apparently they were trying to promote a really cozy homey vibe. there was some big event taking place and Eli and I ended up in a bed together because all the others were taken. it wasn't at all sexual/romantic, it was honestly quite awkward and we weren't touching at all. it was a big bed. everyone left but neither of us got up. it was quiet and a little tense, as I'm sure it would be in real life if this were to happen. he was playing on his phone. I said softly that I was sorry if I was in the way, that if he needed to get out he could ask (since his side was against the wall). and then the most wonderful thing happened. he turned to me, looked me deep in my eyes the way only a few people ever have, and told me that I wasn't in the way at all, and then he said something to me about “not even knowing you were there” which we both knew was not referring to the bed, but to his heart. I don't know how, it was just something in his tone. I know that's incredibly corny and my conscious brain finds that repulsive, but my subconscious is apparently cheesy as hell.

as he spoke he took my hands in his and it was real, I could feel it. I miss his hands so much. I know it's a stupid thing to miss. I miss a lot more about him than his body. and even how I feel about his body is all tied up in the way I feel about his personality and the way he treated me. it wasn't just his hands but it was how they touched me, how he used them, how comforted and safe his touch made me feel because it was a material reminder he was right there next to me, that whatever was happening we would get through it together. anyway. later in the dream I got up to do something and when I laid back down he draped his arm over me and we spooned a little. there was a quilt over top of us that hadn't previously been there, it looked a lot like the one my mom and dad have on their bed. though they have plenty of faults, my mom and dad have always been a near-flawless example of marriage. they represent love to me more than anything. I think that's part of the symbolism of the quilt, I think of my parents' relationship as the ideal love and anything that mirrors it is a success to me. I'm rambling again. that's all I can remember of it.

I cried several times the other day thinking about the dream, and I'm fully aware of how stupid and childish that sounds. it was so awful and yet so perfect, for a split second I was back in his arms secure and loved and *home*, in a way that I have not been before him and have not been since. it was so real and it made me love him all over again, but that made the loss I felt upon waking up that much worse. the dream has faded almost completely from memory now, and I can't feel his touch anymore. but for the whole day I could feel it, I could feel his hands holding mine and his arms around me. this all sounds so stupid and I hate myself for writing it. I hate that I'm this person who can't give up on anything and loves people so much that I let them destroy me I hate it. I know you think I'm young and naive and foolish. in my heart I know you're right, but I don't know what else I can be. to harden myself off feels like an injustice to who I am and to the world. I firmly believe that love is the only thing that matters in this world, and who am I if I stop loving with all of my being? I think I am the way I am for a reason, and someday it will pay off if I don't give up. someday I will find someone who will appreciate me and I will find friends who want to spend time with me and I'll build a community with all these people that I love and who appreciate me for who I am. I'm all for improving my flaws but I don't think that loving wholeheartedly is a flaw, even though doing so has hurt me countless times. even as I say all these things I know how stupid and immature they sound. this all sounds like fairytale nonsense. but I don't know how to stop hoping for the best and believing that life will turn out well. I don't know if I would if I could. I think that would destroy my will to live.

this has all been one big digression as usual, but thank you for listening to me. I'm sorry this took me a while to post, I had to do some agonizing over it all before I was satisfied as I'm sure you can tell. I hope you're well and that things with your computer improve. xxx