#i think it's funny to an outsider see ken all of a sudden change his demeanor and with a deeper voice all of a sudden

[kornito]

SOURCE: https://korngiant.tripod.com/kornisgoodforu/id10.html

Dead

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

All I want in life is to be happy", it's that simple. People say that it's become their own anthem. It's like whenever I start to feel good, something comes and takes it away and I feel like I'm nothing again, like I'm dead.

Falling Away From Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The song is about domestic abuse and that there ways to get help whether it's telling someone or calling a help line, there are ways to get out of those situations. Noone has to be treated like that.

Trash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Trash" is about how I threw my world and everything out. I threw her away. I threw my old self away. It basically comes back down to the sex thing. The battles I did on the road, this whole album is what I went through because I was on the road and I went crazy.

Beg for Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Beg For Me" is more of an angry thing because the whole thing for "Beg For Me" is the crowd. The only time I was good on tour was when I walked up onstage and that's what the song is about. Feeling wanted is something one thing I've always needed. I was shuffled around so much when I was a kid...Being up onstage was the only point was the only time when my anxiety would go away for an hour.

Make Me Bad

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

I need to feel the sickness in you" ... It's spawned from f**kin', basically, from having sex. That's where that line comes from, but it means a whole bunch of things to me. "Make Me Bad" was about the battles I had being on the road, being married and being with other women. I'm not married anymore... beause of my lifestlyle, and I just couldnt do that to my wife anymore. So that ended. But does it make me bad that I have a dick and I have f**ken other feelings to be with other people? Why should I be with just one? It seems like human beings are genetically engineered to procreate. Thats what we do, f**k everything, and that's what our natural insides want to do. It is hard to find someone like that. But she was a good woman and I didnt want to keep on... I did the right thing, I was a man about it. It was better for me to tell her and let her go on with her life and find someone who could help her and be like that. So that song was spawned by that, does it make me bad to want to be with other women? In a sence it was my only drug, why... because I dont drink anymore, I cant drink. I've been sober for a year. I dont have any other vices. So at least doing that could be something.

Hey Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Hey Daddy" where I was schizophrenic and there were these voices telling me to do sh*t... To kill myself, basically. Daddy is one of my nicknames, so its like I'm talking to myself the whole time. It's hard to explain.

Dirty

Song Meaning: Jonathan

"I feel like a fucking whore to record companies." "You know how it is...the way we are used and marketed." "How they make all the money off us and we don't make shit!" "The only way we make money is to go out on tour and sell merchandise" "Basiclly we write all the music and turn in and they make all the money." "So I feel like that and also I feel like a slut cuz I'd go out at night and fucking girls and so I said fuck it, I'm going to do it. The only way to escape is to have sex." "Its all kind of different issues."

Its On!

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's On is my sh*t peer pressure song. Me being so stressed out going out and partying. Everybody's just going 'Come on dude, it's on.' That's partying, it's alcohol, cocaine, women. All that wrapped into one. I wrote a song about it. And the chorus I talked about Why am I really doing this? It's all my fault that I'm doing this because all the alcohol, the booze an the chicks do is just make it worse. They just rearrange all the problems in a different order that I can deal with at that moment.

Freak on a Leash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

One of the best titles I've heard ever for a song. That's my song against the music industry. Like me feeling like I'm f**kin' a pimp, a prostitute. Like I'm paraded around. I'm this freak paraded around but I got corporate America f**kin' making all the money while it's taking a part of me. It's like they stole something from me, they stole my innocence and I'm not calm anymore. I worry constantly.

Got the Life

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a song baggin' on myself. How everything's always handed to me. How I look up to God and don't want this anymore. Like I want something more out of life than all this. And I've got everything I really need but I sometimes don't like. I don't know how to explain it. I have to let it sit through the songs more to actually get into what I write. I truly know, really, the meanings of the songs almost. That's what I'm getting out of it right now.

Dead Bodies Everywhere

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the song about my parents trying to keep me out of the music business. My father was in it and he knew how it was and I totally understand now that I have a son. I want Nathan to be a musician but I him don't want him to go through the hell I went through. That's the same thing my Dad was doing. A lot of people can relate to it, because it's like the Dad's wanting their sons to be football players and their sons want to be doctors or something. That peer pressure its like trying to make them something they're really not. And the Dead Bodies thing is like so I did it and all I got out of it was dead bodies everywhere and got all traumatized. Thanks a lot Dad, Mom.

Children of the Korn

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's the song that Ice Cube is on Cube came up with the title. I fed off of what he wrote, he was talking about growing up and puberty. Dictating what he can do, like how you gonna tell me how to live and who to f**k? And all this stuff. And I took that and in my stuff I was talking about being a kid always known as the f**kin' town faggot. It's funny how things change. That some of these people picked on me and all of a sudden look who's laughing now. Also in another of the verse I talked about all these parents f**kin hating me for what I do, saying I'm corrupting their children, but in turn these parents need to step outside of themselves and really listen to what I'm talking about. Then I think they can understand that they were kids before. They're just really quick to judge me. All the Children of The Korn are all our Korn fans. All those kids going through that sh*t and feeling what I feel.

B.B.K.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Big black cock! That's what I call a jack and coke. Those little glasses they serve in Europe and everything. That's what I named it, big black cock. And that's another song about me dealing with the pressures of this album and how I, you know, I'm trying to kill myself, but you know? Do I really want to kill myself? Things I'm just questioning myself. Most of this is self-structured.

Pretty

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's a story about this little girl that came into the coroner's office when I was working there and she was f**ked by her dad. She was an 11 month old little baby girl. Her legs were broken back behind her and he just f**ked her like a toy doll and chucked her in the bathroom. It was the most heinous thing I've ever seen in my life and I still have nightmares about it.

All in the Family

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Fred was there after Korn TV and we said, 'Let's do a song together, Hey, man, let's go back and forth and rip on each other like an old school battle.' I don't know who's idea it was, I can't remember if it was mine or Fieldy's or Fred's but we came up with the idea and we started writing and we worked on it together. I came up with some bags on myself for Fred to say. It was all in good natured fun.

Reclaim My Place

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

This one is about the whole band and about all my life being called a homosexual. And then I became this big rock star in a band and I'm still called a fag even by my own band. So it's like I was f**kin' pissed off at them. It's like erase them all because I'm gonna reclaim my place and say hey, they owe a lot to me for what I did, and I owe a lot to them back. But, it still kinda sucks. I've never ever gotten away from that fag f**kin' title. Just because I'm a sensitive kinda guy. Kinda feminine it really sucks.

Justin

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Justin, that was the kid dying terminally with intestinal cancer. His last dying wish was to meet us and it really freaked me out. That threw a whole bunch of new kind of pressures on my head. That's really intense. Someone's gonna die and his last thing he wants to do is come hang out with us. So I truly just freaked out. It's like why would you want to meet me? What makes me so special? And in turn I talk about how I admire his strength and his life. I couldn't stare at him because he was so content he was gonna die. No one could look him in the eyes. And I totally admire his strength. I wish I had it.

Seed

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Seed. That's all about the same thing again. I laying in bed in my hotel room, thinking about do I really need all this stuff? All this pressure on me? Because I'm a stressed out freak. It's about Nathan, it's about every time that I look into his eyes, I see myself how I used to be, innocent and stress free. I'm kind of jealous of it. It really sucks, I used to be that way. It's like I have to work so hard at this thing in my life. I have to become a stressed out freak. I put food on the table for my child. Every time I look in his eyes, I just see myself staring right back at my @ss laughing. I was like care free, innocent as a child. It's really weird and I'm really jealous of it.

Cameltosis

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a love song. It's about women in general, women who hurt me. It's Tre's lyrics. He's going on about chicks and my chorus is like I'm so scared to love anyone and really let them in after I got hurt really really bad by a girl. I've let Renee in a little bit, to be honest, but I'll never be that in love ever again. That's what I'm saying, if you've loved twice, you're gonna get f**ked, 'cause you usually do.

My Gift to You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Renee always wanted me to write her a love song and that's why I called it My Gift To You. It's my gift to her, you know how I get sick. I always had a fantasy of f**king her and choking her to death. I fantasize about what it would look like me in her body and watching me do it. So it's like a really sick f**ked up song. I did it totally like, I love her so much, I want to take her out of this world. It's really strange. She used to leave notes on my pillow like 25 ways she'd like to kill me. She's got this weird death fetish. We're kinda f**kin' freaky. She got it. She's all 'Thank you that's kinda f**ked up. I was expecting a f**kin' I love you, baby kinda song.' I'm all, 'No, you know me.' I mean I can't do that.

Chi

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Chi is about a lot of alcohol and drug abuse. People turn to that when they have problems so that they won't have to feel their pain. The song was named after Chi Cheng from the Deftones. We named it after him because he used to call it reggae, and he loves reggae music.

Lost

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's the sterotypical thing about your best friend meeting a chick, and then you're nothing

Swallow

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's about being paranoid. Drug-induced paranoia.

Good God

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a guy I knew in school who I thought was a my friend, but who f**ked me. He came into my life with nothing, hung out at my house, lived off me, and made me do sh*t I didn't really wanna do." "I was into new romantic music and he was a mod, and he'd tell me if I didn't dress like a mod he wouldn't be my friend anymore."

"Whenever I had plans to go on a date with a chick he'd sabotage it, because he didn't have a date or nothing. He was a gutless f**king nothing. I haven't talked to him for years.

Mr. Rogers

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Back in the day when I was a speed freak, um... even further back when I was a little kid watchin' Mr. Rogers, that sh*t was scary. He was a freaky old man... Land of Makebelieve and Mr. f**kinMcFeely and sh*t... made me sick. So back when I was doing speed, like for 5 or 6 days I'd be trippin out and my brain would start to get freaky and get schizophrenic and stuff, and I'd tape it and watch it everyday over and over... I don't know, I was sick in the head. As a kid he told me to be polite and all it did was get me picked on. I f**king hate that man. Thanks for making me polite and trusting everyone, and easy to take advantage of. So I spent 3 months on that one song, just tweakin' on it, and it was totally just my Mr. Rogers obsession, about how evil I thought he was. Pretty much drug induced.

K @ # Ø % (Kunt)

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think it's sexist but it isn't. It's more subconcious b*tching at all the women who've been with me in my life. It's not about women in feneral, just those women who hurt me." "Initially, we wrote it to send to American radio for a joke, because they always chop up all the other songs. So we were going to send a 'real' single seven days later."

A.D.I.D.A.S.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It stands for all day I dream about sex. It's about how much of a pervert my ass is, and how I daydream about what a stud I am. But when it comes down to it, I'm a f**king pussy and I'm in there jacking off.

a** Itch

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the last song I wrote, and I was so burned at writing out lyrics because everytime I write I get depressed because I start thinking about things, you know? So the whole song is about that. In the chorus it says, 'Before day, my sun will be dying'. It's because I put myself on the line all the time and for what? Because people aren't going to be listening to it anyway.

Kill You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a relative I first met when I was 12. I f**king hate that b*tch. She's the most evil, f**ked up person I've met in my whole life. She hated my guts. She did everything she could to make my life hell. Like, when I was sick she'd feed me tea with Tabasco, which is really hot pepper oil. She'd make me drink it and say, 'You have to burn that cold out, boy'. f**ked up sh*t like that. So every night when I'd go to sleep, I'd dream of killing that b*tch. In some sick way I had a sexual fantasy about her, and I don't know what that stems from or why, but I always dreamt about f**king her and killing her

Ball Tongue

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The meaning of ball tongue is simple. Some thought it had to do with oral sex, but in fact its about a guy we had to work with on a t-shirt (Jeff Creath). He either had a pierced tongue or a wart or something on his tongue and he was a dick to us.

Different live: Jonathan goes into a Rap (by Coolio) Called "Loddi Doddi" in the middle of the song.

Clown

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Korn was playing a show in San Diego for a clothing card. This skinhead guy came up and started flippin' me off. When we started, I bent down and the guy took a swing at me. Our tour manager, Jeff, got into it and knocked the guy out. I wrote this song about him: 'Scared to be honest with yourself/you're a cowardly man.

Faget

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Everyone thinks I'm bashing gay people in this song, and I'm not. It's really about me going through high school being called 'pussy,' 'queer' and all that stuff, about getting picked on by all these jocks.

Shoots and Ladders

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It was written because all these little kids sing these nursery rhymes and they don't know what they originally meant. Everyone is so happy when singing but 'London Bridge' is about the Black Plague. All of them have these evil stories behind them." "The lyrics are all from nursery rhymes, and a lot of nursery rhymes go back to the Middle Ages. They're actually pretty twisted if you know the stories behind them, like about Black Death and stuff.

Helmet in the Bush

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a speed problem that I had. You know, you do a lot of speed and -- if you're a male -- your penis retracts severly. The guy heard at the beginning of the song is La Caco, a friend of the band. His real name is Michael and likes taco bell. He's a really Nice Guy and he has been friends with the band for years

Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think daddy' was writen because my dad f**ked me up the ass,thats not what the song's about. It wasn't about my dad or my mum. When I was a kid I was being abused by someone else and I went to my parents and told them about it. and they thought I was lying and joking around, they never did sh*t about it. They didn't belive it was happening to their son. I don't like to talk about that song, this is the most I've ever talked about it...

[darkhymns-fic]

Sword Games

Maybe it wasn't proper for her to play games so often, clothes scuffed by the dirt, her palms developing calluses from the toy weapons she and Lloyd used - but even an up-and-coming Chosen can only be a child once.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters/Pairing: Lloyd Irving/Colette Brunel Rating: G Mirror Link: AO3 Notes: This was written for Day 1: Childhood Friends of this year’s Colloyd Week! Starting off with my favorite trope :D This fic references a small comment made by Colette in Altamira about how her and Lloyd used to play sword games when they were little, and the image of it just wouldn't leave me.

--

During a routine prayer at the temple, Colette felt she owed her very life to Lloyd. 

"Chosen, please read from the top of the page," spoke one priest, the eldest of the group of four who stood with her in a certain atrium of the temple, which was shadowed due to the thick curtains from the slit windows made in the stone. Martel's symbol was woven onto the fabric, faded with time, yet still the pattern so embedded into Colette's memory. There were few accessories for comfort in the Iselia Chapel, with only the assembled cobblestone at her feet, and the aged daises that had been placed in front of a corridor that led deeper into the temple.

But Colette could barely pay attention to any of that. Her eyes were fixated on the priest who had the bushiest eyebrows she had ever seen on a person! And she had recently met the funny dwarf that had come into town the other day, ruffling her hair with a warm hand.

She stared too long, resulting in a clearing of the throat from the elder. With a start, the eight-year old shook her head and stood up straight. "Yes, Father." 

Colette took a breath as she looked at the book of Angels, which was held on a stand in front of her, too big for her small arms to carry. "Our Goddess Martel blesses us with the mana of heaven… When her Chosen prays before the seal of light…"

A sound to the right, one that an acolyte priest to her right noticed, but was unsure. Colette tried to hold back the excitement from her voice.

"The Angels descend to the earth, to lead the Chosen to heaven…"

"What was..?" The same priest wondered aloud, while the man next to him shushed him. Colette could barely pay attention to what she was reading.

“The earth will swallow up the Desians whole with a great roar…”

And once her recitation was answered with a loud yell, perhaps one or two priests that the description of the Oracle had finally come true.

"Sneak attack!"

A boy in red, suspenders holding up his dark shorts, his hair a mess of brown spikes and cow licks, jumped from a stone pillar and swung down two wooden swords that already had nicks along the edges. His shout echoed inside the atrium, bouncing across the walls.

As the flurry of old men scattered at the shout, Colette stood her ground...and reached down to grab a small staff (one of her grandmother's spare walking sticks) that she had hidden underneath the book stand before her lesson.

"Nope!" she yelled back, blocking Lloyd's double sword attack. The feel of it made her arms shake, spiking sudden adrenaline in her as she shoved him away. "Gotta do better than that!" 

"No way!" Lloyd jumped back. One of the swords was cracked slightly, yet still he tried to brandish it with a flourish. Though his right hand was bandaged around the center of his palm, covering part of his knuckles, he held onto his weapon with barely a flinch as he rushed towards Colette. "I'm still going to win!"

She laughed as she blocked his attack. There was another satisfying thwack! sound, repeating each time their swords made contact. There was once a time when such play would slightly sting her hands, but she had long grown used to it now, holding her weapons with comfort.

"Chosen! This is preposterous!" The elder priest huffed, calling from the side of the room where he had run off earlier in fright. "And no one of the populace is to be allowed in the temple!"

Colette thought on such words, feeling guilty to have made her mentors so upset... and then rushed toward the direction of the exit. "Then we'll take this outside!"

"Hey, wait up!" Lloyd shouted, grinning with ecstatic glee. He kept waving around his swords, more than once nearly throwing them out of his hands. 

"Chosen!" But even as the other priests shouted for her, she kept running, knowing that it was only Lloyd who would follow her all the way.

--

Down the moss-covered stairs of the temple, out onto the shoreline that she was typically not allowed near, both her and Lloyd continued their sword fights until both of their arms felt like they had been turned to jelly.

"No fair!" Lloyd was shouting as he tried to perfect his new technique on her! One that he had explained to her once of how he would charge up a spin in the air for extra power, but he mostly just stumbled on the sand instead. "You can't use double swords too!"

Colette stuck out her tongue at him. She held out a stick she had found in her backyard that morning and kept hidden in her dress at the side. "I want to use two just like you! I think it looks really cool."

The compliment completely changed Lloyd's tune, a flush on his cheeks. "Well...it is cool! You're right!"

Yet even with her newfound double sword power, neither could outmaneuver the other. The sound of the slamming wood punctured the air, so sharp, mingling with the cries of the seagulls that hovered near the water. Lloyd held his own, spinning and slashing with his swords, and she mimicked him, nearly always tumbling down before she righted herself up.

Until one time she didn't – and slammed her body right into Lloyd until both fell onto the sand in defeat.

"Heeey!" Lloyd whined, his swords falling out of his hands, far from reach. "No tackling!"

But Colette had lost her swords (staff and stick) as well, both of them stuck in the dunes far off to her right. And so with nothing left to hold, she gave herself to fall flat onto the ground, just a few inches from Lloyd who laid down next to her, his hair dusted with so, so much sand. Both of their arms were outstretched, taking in deep breaths of the sea-salt air.

"Sorry…" she said with a pant. Her eyes were directed to the sky, where the sun shone so bright, the waves crashing nearby. "I tripped again."

"You gotta be careful.." Lloyd's voice was gentle, losing the luster from before when exhaustion finally caught up with him. "So, who won this round then?"

"Well, we both dropped our swords at the same time." Colette scrunched her forehead, thinking of the hazy set of rules she and Lloyd had set up for their fight. "Maybe it's a tie!"

"Again?" Lloyd whined, and from her corner of her eyes, she could just barely make out a pout from him. "We need Genis to referee our next battle."

Colette kept taking in big breaths, watching the arc of sea birds fluttering in the air, occasionally blocking out the sun. "I think that would be nice."

"Hm, we'd have to explain the rules to him though." Lloyd was kicking the back of his shoes into the ground, scuffing up sand with each motion. "And he only knows about those ken… k… the kendo-whatever things he always uses instead of swords."

"I didn't know much about swords either." Colette made sure to turn around on her side to face him. "Not until you told me about them."

There was something then in the way he laid there, not too far from her, his face soaking up the sunshine. His arms and legs were already tanned from the outside, in comparison to her pale skin. She just liked noticing that, the small little differences between them. Every morning, her grandmother would painstakingly brush her hair until it was straight and reached down to the middle of her back, while Lloyd’s hair looked as if he had just rolled out of bed. And his clothes would be stained with dirt marks and remnants of grass, while her own would barely get a wrinkle… except for now…

"Yeah… and you're really good with them!" Lloyd grinned at her, the sight of it making her chest tighten in a very strange and new way. Maybe it was the way the sun hit his hair, or how his grin looked different from last week after losing one of his baby teeth. 

"Only because you've been teaching me!" Colette gripped the sand between her fingers, letting them sift out again as she relaxed them. "Do you think I could have my own swords someday?"

"Yeah, why not? The only thing you're better at than swords are the frisbees you throw for Noishe".

To Colette, that was the highest compliment anyone had ever given her. She gazed at Lloyd, shuffling just a bit closer to him. There would be sand all over her clean dress, but she didn't care. "Really?"

"Yep!" At that, Lloyd moved until he was flat on his stomach instead, but kept his chin above the sand so that he could keep looking at Colette. "You're really cool, Colette."

Hearing that, Colette looked straight at him, seeing the wind pull at a lock of that messy hair.

"Why do you think that?" she asked, half-afraid of what he'd say. Because I'm the Chosen? It was all anyone ever called her first, her name second. She swallowed, unsure why there was sadness in her suddenly.

"Huh? Well… because you are!" Lloyd laughed, some of the sand getting onto his lips. "You're really funny, and you know about every dog there is… and you're the only one who'll play swords with me." At that last one, his voice had gone softer with half-shame. "Everyone else thinks I'm weird for bringing mine everywhere…"

"But it's not weird! It.. makes you look really cool, too." She shifted her legs in the sand, bare legs tickled by the feel of it. "And you always want to play with me and show me pictures of doggies, and.." 

She started to hear herself and clamped up. A priest would tell her when she should trim her words down for the Goddess. The less said, the better, for the Martel didn't want empty words...

"Yeah, why wouldn't I want to play with you?” His laugh tickled her ears. “See, you really are funny when you talk like that, Colette."

It was such moments like these that Colette would keep with her until the day of the Oracle. The feel of the salt on her tongue from the nearby ocean that she wasn't allowed to swim in, the wind tugging at her collar, and the russet brown of Lloyd's eyes, always so warm and wide.

"You know, when you're like this...you look kinda like a turtle." She smiled at the thought, kicking her legs from side to side. 

At that, Lloyd looked entirely confused. "Huh? But I'm not a turtle…"

"I meant like one, not that you are one! Because you're on your stomach, and have your head sticking out like they do."

"Why only turtles though?" Lloyd frowned, but she could still see the precious grin held in its shape. "I'm just laying down like Noishe does!"

"No, he lays like this!" Colette rolled onto her back again, holding up both arms and legs. Her dress fluttered in the wind, and in the back of her head, she could hear the word improper and childish echo, but the waves drowned it away, worries for another day. "See?"

"That's only when you're petting him!"

This conversation kept going in all its strange tangents until eventually they exhausted themselves, laughing themselves silly. And because of that, she suddenly wanted to ask him what had been on her mind since the priests handed her the scriptures to memorize.

"Hey, Lloyd?"

Lloyd was now making little sand piles with his hands, showing it off to Colette until her voice stopped him. "Yeah, what is it?"

"Do you think...you'll remember me?" she asked him, looking away. "And what we did today?"

All she did was keep confusing Lloyd, going by the blink of his eyes then. But even with that, Lloyd only did what he always did best - making her feel better without even realizing it.  

"I won't ever forget you," Lloyd spoke with the confidence that only a nine-year old could ever have. "We're best friends!"

She knew, even as Lloyd laughed and she soaked in the sounds like a hand clutching her own, that this was a day she was going to remember. Even when eight years later, she'd walk up the stairs to the final seal by herself, she'd remember the splinters of the ‘swords’ on her palms, the grains of sand stuck in her hair.

Her childhood would have been more plain, much lonelier without Lloyd. And she thanked Martel for putting him in her life, if not for anything else.

"Yeah…" she told him, matching her grin to his. "I won't forget you either."

[popculturebuffet]

The Casagrandes Reviews: Operation Dad

In my first look at The Casagrandes, We meet Ronnie Anne and Bobby’s dad Arturo as Ronnie tries to get him to start working in the city to be closer to them.. and when a genuine honest appeal dosen’t work, shenanigans will have to do. Dad stuff under the cut. 

This is one i’ve had in the works since my labor day catchup binge of shows, but kept getting pushed back either due to regular coverage or specifically timed things like the bi visalblity day review of “What Was Missing.  And with Halloween next month, my time to cover this is running out a bit and I feel it’s a great place to start covering this show so, pitter patter.  The Casagrandes didn’t really hook me in at first: It did have two things going for it: An intresting premise A blended family coming together, with our heroine and her big bro being fish out of water in a new family situation. Wheras with the Loud House Lincoln, and by extension most of his sisters, is used to how his house runs, knows the score and knows how to manuvre around it, Ronnie Anne was being dropped into a new situation, with people she KNEW, but only likely from seeing them breifly. It’s one thing to see your cousin once or twice a year, as I did with mine at that age, it’s another to live with them. It had a lot of potential. The other thing was Bobby Santiago, Ronnie Anne’s brother, and one of my faviorite characters across both shows, an endlessly nice guy who while suffering from a terminal case of dumbass, is utterly likeable, helped by his VA Carlos PenaVega, with the spinoff and i’ts build up only fleshing him out more by giving him his job at the Mercado, and showing he has serious buisness acumen  in addition to his many other talents. 

But what made me wary was the lead: Ronnie Anne didn’t get the best intro on the loud house. You know this, I know this. We all know this. No sense beating around the bush: She was a bully, who had a crush on lincoln and masked it by pummeling him. And this was seen as okay by the show which isn’t as suprising in hindsight as Chris Savino clearly has messed up views about women and harassment, and is thankfully no longer part of this. She did get slightly better once she actually showed up, getting genuine chemstiry with Lincoln and being shown underneath the bully exteriror was a pretty nice kid who shared his intress. Granted it wasn’t perfect as the show madei t clear he was terrified of her, but it did at least also make it clear he no longer had a reason to be, and while she’d prank her boyfriend, or assits his sister during her dark time once a year in doing it, and if your wondering if i’m ever going to watch or cover the april fools episodes .. yeah i’m just waiting you know.. for april fools. 

My point is it was kinda mixed and their solution was to soften her up a bit but also act like she and LIncoln weren’t intrested in each other all of a sudden instead of you know, dealing with her past actions and having her make up for them. It was sloppy is what i’m saying and the character while not bad wasn’t in the best positoin to tkae the reigns of her own show. They did add some intresting depth with the move though, showing that Ronnie Anne and Bobby were often on their own, and that Maria moved them to the casagrande household simply because she felt her daughter would be happier NOT having to be the strong one or take care of herself all the time and actually have someone look out for her instead. It was a good emotional reason for hte move and both casagrandes showed up ocasoinally, mostly Bobbi whose still with Lori to this day as seen in the season 5 premiere.  It was an okay foundatoin but it would depend on what they did with her character.. and i’m glad to say.. they made it work. The show still has rough edges, mostly having the same problem ducktales and the loud house itself had during season 1 of juggling such a large cast: Most of them outside of Ronnie Anen and Bobby have only gotten 1 episode, and even then CJ feels underutlized despite being amazing, while the adults outside the grandparents feel underutlized.  Buuut the show is funny, intresting, has good pacing and unlike the loud house, having already learned that lesson, while Ronnie Anne does get more episodes than the rest of the family, it does feel more like an ensemble show and the focus on her feels less like the show not knowing what it has and more like easing the viewers into the rest of the cast by using her as a viewpoint.  Ronnie herself is better, the bully aspects gone. She can still take care of herself, and is still fairly indpentent and clever, but she’s got a sharp sense of humor and a clear love of her family and the fish out of water aspect I hoped for, while not used a ton, still comes up in intresting ways.  Overall i’d say the show is off to a good start.. and it has Melissa Joan Heart and Ken Jeong as a married couple and let’s Ken play a diffrent role for once: A dorky, kind dad instaed of any degree of lunatic. That being said given his character her’s last name is Chang, I can’t help but think this and community are in the same universe and that the Changs have just had to put up with whatever insane phase Senor Chang was going througha t the time every time he visted. I mean i’d love to hear Sid tell ronnie anne the time her uncle came over in a napoleon outfit and revaled he’d taken over his community college with the help of a bunch of children.  But i’m getting off topic, I gots an episdoe to cover and out of the ones I watched this felt both like a great re-introduction into the cast and was easily one fo the best with a great emotional core and great jokes and LOTS to dig into. So i’ve jawjacked enough, pitter pater. Again!

It’s with this episode we properly meet Arturo Santiago, Ronnie Anne and Bobby’s father, Maria’s ex, and owner of one hell of a beard. Ronnie mentioned him back in friended aka the pilot because fuck that airing structure but not the time or place for that moving on. 

We see he video chats his daughter once a day, though today she made hte mistake of doing so on a crowded subway while with her best friend and future wife Sid. NOW we can talk about Sid. Sid was introduced in Friended! over on the loud houd house as part of that mini arc I keep yelling about and will again and again. Sid is Ronnie Anne’s clyde: A best friend whose there as her sidekick, emotoinal support and resident goofus, being a bit of a weirdo and given i’m a giant ass weirdo, you can see why I like her/want to keep her safe from the nightmare that is at last half this fandom. Plus she and ronnie anne are adorable together and have more chemstiry than she and lincoln did.. thoguh the two do have OT3 energy together in his one episode, but that’s for another time. 

Anyways as Sid helps her rangle wifi by them by doing the mecha shiva we soon find out Arturo is coming home! Home lord he’s been off in Peru for too longggg. Point is Ronnie Anne is excited, Bobby is excited, everyone’s excited except for Hector who hates him.. and honestly I can see why the contrast. For everyone else, Arturo is a charming, friendly guy who genuinely loves his kids and only is away from them because he has a lot of important work to do and even with that is still an active part of their lives. Buuuut Hector likely sees it diffrently and is likely homing in more on the fact Arturo is barely there in person for his kids and left Maria to do all the raising them by herself, with her own demanding job.  It’s not a black and white situation is what i’m saying and.. I genuinely love that. It’s a complex thing to deal with: A parent who isn’t there for his kids but it’s hard to say if he’s being selfish or not. He’s not david from roseanne doing this so he can feel good about not wanting to deal with being a father or the death of his brother, Arturo genuinely just wants to help those who need him, even if he has to sacrifice a lot to do it.  Ronnie Anne naturally wants him to move here though and convince him during his visit, and her plan nicely shows off the duality of her charcter: She’s clever and can easily think things through, as his originzation has it’s home office in Great Lakes City so he could still help those in need, just more from the organizational end, as well as i’m assuming GLC’s own homeless and needy. But she also has an 11 year olds understading of complex issues and thus thinks the easiest way to convince him is to take him on a fun daddy daughter day that will make him love the city. Bobby is less optimistic about the plan though.. and that’s because he’s been through this with Arturo already. Granted his job for him was at weenier on a stick because it’s bobby, the boy is a peach of a human being but has the plkanning skills and common sense of a basset hound on qualudes.  He just sugest she enjoy the time. And this says a lot about BOBBY too: He’s used to his dad being out of his life, he’s probably been gone for most of it and while he loves him, he’s had ot get used to the fact he’s probably never going to be regularly in his life and while he understands why his sister’s trying this he wants to spare her the pain he went through. It’s interactions like this that to me show the series at it’s best and what it could be: deeper character interactions that really let the characters and voice cast shine, that still mix well with the usual nonsense.  Arturo arrives and everyone loves him.. and again it’s easy to see why: he’s kind, friendly and to the kids, he’s their cool uncle who lives in another country and as someone with one of those, It does feel neat. Hell he was my cool uncle when he just lived in chicago or seattle, but somehow he had to top those by moving to fricking ireland. So I get where they come from and really relate to it.. I mean I met mine in high school, my family tree is complicated, but still.  So while everyone but Hector is happily remeetinmg their uncle Maria shows up. And it’s awkward, the two not knowing how to greet each other, but it’s very obvious Maria and Arturo are on good terms, it’s just hard when theres so much history there.  Speaking of Maria let’s talk about her since this is one of her only scene’s this episode. Maria is one of my faviorites. She isn’t used a ton, but this is more excusable than it is with the Casagrande parents, as the whole point of Maria uprooting her kids to Great Lakes City was to give them company and someone to take care of them while Maria worked the long and varied hours of being a nurse. She’s a good parent, who just picked a rough career, and made the hard decision to uproot her kids, not for her sake, as it can’t be easy living with both your elderly parents, your sister and her husband not to mention 5 kids, a giant adorable pupper and an obnoxious parrot, but so they’d be happy.. which given Ronnie Anne went from having no friends and largely having to be the rock in the house, to having a sizeable friend group plus her cousins, as well as generally being happy while Bobby went from bouncing from job to job to running the family buisness and planning to expand it when he gets older. She’s a good gentle person who still makes time for her kids, and I wish we saw more of her with her spotlight episode, which was about Ronnie Anne trying to spend more time with her, being one of my faviorites so far. I also like the fact that for once in a cartoon a parent with a time sink of a career isn’t demonized for trying to put food on the table and rather than just quit or have a mean boss or the usual cliches, Maria just found a way her kids wouldn’t be alone. She’s awesome.  Ronnie Anne first tries showing him how great the city is with home cooking and a warm bed, but the first while nice is something he still gets, and the latter in a nice touch is just.. too soft for him. Ronnie meant well, but understadably he’s just not used to it and makes a cot under the stars instead.. he’s not trying to be ungreatful, he’s just sued to it. 

Anyways Ronnie indeed takes him on a montage, with some cab headbonks beacause why use an uber that’s cheeper and safer huh? Anyways our father and daughter do have a montage, and hector gets beaten up by a luchadore because this promotion apparently dosen’t get not to attack the crowd. They really need to stop booking that guy.

Ending on our article image, which is really sweet and a real beautiful shot, Ronnie Anne finally gets to her Ronnie Plan. First Arturo cycles through two diffrent assumptions about what she’s asking him about. He first thinks she’s about to tell him about a special boy or girl in his life, his exact words. He backspaces to include that. She says no which.. I guess okay you have other things in mind but you can’t put off him meeting Sid forever. That aside I do think it’s a good indication Ronnie Anne might be bi, and both her parents just easily accepted it which is great. I could be reading too much into this, and I probably am, but I’ve thought I was before on nickeodeon and look how legend of korra ended. 

The next is just hilarious as Arturo tries to let her down gently that he’s not getting back with maria which Ronnie Anne agrees with and was not remotely her point, but I do like as it shows their well and truly done, and it’s nice to see that sort of dynamic with a divorced couple in fiction where it’s not because of lingering sexual tension or anything, just that their apart but have kids to think about and presumibly the split was amicable if again still awkward. Finally Ronnie asks him.. but he gently refuses, since the people he helped need him as much as he wants to stay.. but part of what makes Arturo likeable, especially since he’s in the REALLY throny situation of not being in his kid’s lives in person despite having the opprountiy now, is that he genuinely tries to compromoise, saying he’ll try to up the calls to two a day, and he’ll visit more often. Ronnie Anne sadly and half heartdly says it’s fine and walks off.  So Ronnie Anne vents to that girlfriend she apparently dosen’t have that he cares more about her patients than him and Sid sidgests that part of that is simple: He dosen’t feel she and bobby need him since, as I pointed out earlier, their doing better than ever. So Ronnie Anne intitates a second Ronnie Plan: to convince him she’s a troubled youth and get him to stay and reasssmbles her cousins to help.  Before we move onto this plan that’s totally a good idea and not a borderline Zach Morris evil scheme, let’s talk about those cousins real quick. Quick fire: CJ is really great, a sweet kid and I wish they’d use him more and generally do nto get why they don’t, Carlota is fine but not all that defined at this point but Alexa PenaVega tries.. and why yes it is kinda weird Carlos PenaVega’s wife and the former star of spy kids is playing his sister. And Carl.. I don’t likes him. I just don’t. He did give me a really good episode, which we’ll be covering next month, but he’s just a little asshole with out the charm of fellow little asshole Louie Duck, who alsos cams people but actually gets consqeunces more often. 

That quickfire done Carl does a forgery which depsite me being eh on him, clearly, is a funny bit, to make Ronnie Anne look like she’s failing, but that fails as you’d expect when he can help her with that from Peru.  So it’s on to the actual plan: Which really boils down to this. 

I mean.. that’s essentially the plan convince him she’s running with a dangerous crowd and is breaking bad, dressing up in punk clothes and making a scene at breakfast. She also gets a really neat new haircut, similar to luna’s but spiky which.. why isn’t this her normal hair? and why dosen’t she at least keep the cool leather jacket? I always get annoyed when a character’s temporary costume change is even better than their default design and htey fail to realize it but whatever.  IT starts to work a little but clearly a breakfast tauntrum won’t be enough so Ronnie Anne enlists Sid.. who is frightend,d osen’t recognize her and dosen’t want to get shoved into a locker. .. who hurt you.. tell me.. I have a box to deliver. Just let me pop a quick H on there real quick. 

Anyways, once Sid realizes “Oh that’s not a bully come to shove me in a locker that’s just my girlfriend in the middle of a zack morris grade elabroate manipulative scheme”, which happens once a week their fine, she comes up with one last plan: Have her friends, who are neat but need more filling out, dress up like punks bullying her friend sameer.  This plan.. makes no sense. For one she was already a bully back home.. granted it was because she liked the kid, which no just no, but it’s heavily implied she did the same to the rest of the lincrew too. .which aside from Rusty isn’t a good look. I mean his face is punchable and he mocked hte idea of them being together despite next season hitting on Lincoln’s sisters, there’s a 1:1 chance he hit on her and she shoved him in a locker as is the natural response to anyone getting asked out by that goober. No matter how hard the show tries to pretend that didn’t happen it did. If her bullying kids didn’t get him to move home back in royal woods it won’t work now. 

So they had behind the fish market for their plan, Arturo is directed there.. and sees through it. I mean she’s probably sent him pictures of her friends, he knows who they are and no amount of costumes is going to fix that. I mean you really only changed Nikki’s hair. Why not just have a dance fight. i’m legitly asking dance fights are rad and this reminds me of the venture bros episode where hank, to impress his date, has billy and white pretend to be a street gang to impress his date. Just do that for sid instead of trying to gaslight your dad into staying.  But no while he pulls her into the car, Arturo knows this was a stunt and asks why. When Ronnie Anne tearfully reveals she just wanted him to stay.. he hugs his child.. and agrees. He realizes that if she’s willing to go to these lengths to get him to stay, she must REALLY miss her papa. So he plans to call the office to transfer.  But then while helping her dad unpack, Ronnie Anne finds something and we get another emotional scene: Ronnie Anne finds the letters he got from the various kids he’s helped, and is moved to tears. Props to Izabella Alvarez for her performance here as she reads the letter and realizes just what her dad’s work does ,and why it means so much to him. He truly helps those who need it and she decides she can’t take that awy from it: Sure her dad won’t be around.. but other kids need her dad more. She has a big family, she misses her dad.. but she can live without her dad. They need a doctor. 

So Arutro heads out with a tearful goodbye and Ronnie Anne leaves him a scrapbook of their time together. We then cut to the Santiago sibs playing cards, and being sad about their dad and all that.. when Arturo calls.. and then shows up in person. He took the Headquarters job after all, though a close friend of his we met earlier in the episode but I ddin’t mention will be taking over in Peru, and from earlier clearly wanted to get back out in the field, so it all works out. And it’s a nice character moment; Arturo realizes while his work is important, and as mentioned he does make sure a compient replacment will continue it.. his family can be too and it’s okay to think of himself and them for once. As I said he’ll still be able to help just in a diffrent way and there are probably needy kids who need him here too, if not in the same ways obviously as a doctors without borders type project. So eveyrone shares a group hug and even Hector bursts into tears. And Maria comes in wondering what she missed whiel Sergio asks who wants to tell her. oh sergio.. why didn’t you stay away when you ran away in a future episode.  Final Thoughts: Not much more to say. It’s a well done episode with high emotinal stakes, great acting and some great jokes I didn’t get to, and while the plot of “Make absent parent stay by pretending things are bad’ isn’t new, it’s done well enough here. Overall just a really good episode that shows what this show can do and why it’s unique family setup makes for intresting stories a lot of shows can’t tell, and validates this spinoffs existnace. The episode also really fleshes out Ronnie Anne’s character, and givne Arutro’s been gone since the divorce if not longer, it’s resonable to supsect her earlier bullying might have been lashing out at her parents divorce. It’s just good stuff. Keep an eye peeeld to this blog for my regular loud house and ducktales coverage , and some more casagrandes this october. ANd until then, Go Team Venture!

[mymelodyheart]

Starting Over Chapter 25 ~The Not So Wee Misunderstanding~

Geillis and Claire were sat in the waiting area of the A&E holding each other's hands. The doctor assured them, to their relief, that uncle Lamb had suffered only a severe case of indigestion, but they needed to do more test and find out why he'd collapsed outside his apartment. Claire surmised uncle Lamb must have thought he was having a heart attack and had decided to settle himself on the floor where he was more likely to be found. Uncle Lamb was clever and practical like that. Except of course for instances when he refused to have a mobile phone, and it frustrated the hell out of Claire whenever she couldn't reach him.

"Good ol' Lamby is going to be just fine," Geillis reassured her, squeezing her hand.

"Of course. Uncle Lamb is a tough cookie," Claire agreed, nodding. "I can almost see him fretting about all the fuss once he finds out he's only had indigestion. It's a good thing they're looking him over. He's far too stubborn to go and see a doctor or let me check him when something's not right. I worry sometimes." 

"Aye, and not to mention, he gave us a hell of a scare!" Geillis added, clucking her tongue.

"That he did, indeed." 

Geillis shook her head in amusement and checked her phone. "Still no answer from Joe. But dinnae fash lass ...he will see our message soon. He's usually always checking his Twitter account."

Meeting her eyes for the first time since they'd left the club, Claire gave her a small smile. "Thank you, Geillis."

She huffed. "For what?"

"For being such a great friend. For jumping into the taxi and coming with me without a second thought." Claire's eyes began to water, but she had a small grin on her face. "I'm sorry you're missing out on chatting up some cute guys in the club."

"Ach, ye would've done the same for me," Geillis remarked with a wave of a hand. "Jamie would be miffed though when he finds out ye're missing. But I'm pretty certain he'll understand. Lamby is yer family." Geillis gave her a dimpled smirk. "And save those tears for Jamie when he gives ye a hard time for running off just like that. He'll be out of his mind knowing ye're here at Frank's workplace."

Claire laughed nervously. "About that ...Jamie told me Frank is suspended from work and under investigation by the board. He even suggested I can probably come back and finish my residency program here." She sighed. "Jamie's lawyer is compiling a case against him so he wouldn't be able to hurt me in any way anymore. Frank will probably just end up going back to England to save face."

Geillis let out a huge breath. "I can so see Frank doing that. The board might be mostly his friends, but those hoity-toities wouldn't want to be dragged into his legal problems. Joe told me, Jamie's lawyer is a beast in court, and he'll pull all the stops to win. And ye have a solid case, and there's a picture of Frank attacking ye from those reporters who were lurking outside yer house. Frank's cronies will probably advise him to move to save himself from a full-blown scandal, especially now that they ken ye have the media's full attention because ye're with Jamie. Ye ken what Frank is like ... he's all about maintaining that clean image."

"Jesus, I wish it didn't have to come to this. I don't want Frank to lose his licence. He's too much of a brilliant doctor."

Geillis put an arm around her. "Dinnae feel sorry for him, hen. He made his own bed ...ye ken what they say. Just think of all those years Frank made ye miserable. Sometimes I wished it had been me who threw the vase at his smug face."

Claire laughed. "Enough of that talk," she gently chided. "Any news from the lads yet?" 

Geillis had left Joe several messages earlier that explained where they were and what had happened and asked him to call back before charging into the hospital. It was Joe's night, and Claire didn't want them worrying or ending their celebration. Nor did she want Jamie to leave the party abruptly when there was nothing he could do at the hospital.

Geillis shook her head. "He's no' picking up. I left him five voicemails already. I'm sure he'll get back to me when he sees it."

So they settled down in their seats, grabbed a couple of magazines left lying about and browsed while they waited.

After two hours, uncle Lamb was wheeled out, ready to be taken home. 

And after all this time, there was still no call from Jamie or Joe. So they decided to take uncle Lamb home and help him settle for the night.

..........

It was 2:00 AM, and uncle Lamb persistently refused to go to bed. After they all arrived at his apartment, much to Claire's mounting frustration, her uncle immediately went to his study to go through some paperwork. Resigned, she and Geillis sat in the kitchen drinking herbal teas, the alcohol from earlier already wearing off.

Claire's thoughts drifted to Jamie, getting more worried that Joe hadn't responded back. At first, she thought maybe Joe had lost his phone, but then Geillis had already left two messages on Jamie's number after she'd given it to her. Perhaps they're all too drunk and having too much of a great time to realise they're missing.

"Ye're staying here for the night?" Geillis asked in-between bites of shortbread cookies. "If ye are, ye willnae be able to charge yer phone."

"I'll stay here for the night, and I'll just have to do without a phone. You already sent a message to Jamie and Joe we're here with uncle Lamb. No need to chop and change and confuse them unnecessarily, especially if they had a lot to drink."

"Weel, then if ye're staying here, I better get going soon ..."

"It's late Geillis. You can stay. There's plenty of room. And I have a few clothes here you can borrow."

Geillis shook her head and smiled. "Thanks but no thanks. I like my own bed. I'll finish my tea, and then I'll go."

"Uncle Lamb makes a mean fry-up, and he's got proper coffee," Claire proffered, making a funny face at her friend.

Geillis laughed. "Aye, he does too. The breakfast is tempting, but I have a few gigs coming up for a back to back children's party, and I really need to organise that tomorrow."

"Fine, let's finish up and get you a taxi. I'm getting tired, myself."

They were just washing down their butter cookies with tea when the phone on the table began to vibrate non-stop. Thinking it could Joe or Jamie, Geillis quickly swiped the screen. 

Claire apprehensively watched her friend's face changed from eagerness to read the message to utter shock. "What? What is it? Is it Joe?"

"Holy Mother of God! My friend just messaged me. Ye're never gonnae believe this," she muttered, furiously swiping the screen. "There's a photo of ye circulating in Twitter saying ye left the club hastily because Jamie was caught cheating on ye. Someone must have recognised ye at the club, took a picture and posted it ..."

"Oh, bloody hell!" Claire bristled, raising her hand in the air in frustration. "Turn that off, Geillis. Jamie was right. I shouldn't read what's written about him online. People will always translate a photo into something that's not. Let them speculate. By the time weekend is over, Jamie's fans will be onto something else."

"B-but ..." Geillis face had turned red.

"What?!?"

Geillis handed her the phone.

Claire glanced at the grainy photo of Jamie with Morag leaning close to his ears as if she was whispering something, and she enlarged it to get a better look. She shrugged and thought nothing of it as it had been evident from the start, blondie was openly throwing herself at her boyfriend. Then she read the comments, skimming through every hashtag about Jamie.

Jamie Fraser getting cosy with a blonde who is most definitely not his girlfriend.

Already trouble in paradise for new couple Fraser/Beauchamp.

Poor Beauchamp left the club crying.

We all know how the saying goes: "A leopard can't change its spots."

And then more photos began to emerge, and what she saw next, she definitely didn't like. "Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ ...I swear to God I'm going to cut off his balls and make Haggis out of it!!"

..........

"Hey, buddy, wake up!"

Joe?

Jamie tried to push through the haze and open his eyes, but the mounting pressure on his skull was like a balloon slowly being inflated under his cranium. Efforts to move, to breathe or to think, made the ache in his head ebb and flow like a cold tide and caused nausea to tumble in waves. 

He felt deft fingers pressed the pulse on the side of his neck and heard the scuffling of shoes. 

"I think we should get him to the hospital or call the emergency," an unfamiliar voice said.

"I'm a doctor. He'll be alright. Can you get him a bottle of water please?" 

Joe's calm response soothed him. Knowing he was in good hands, Jamie began to relax and tried to slip back into the depths of unconsciousness where his head didn't hurt. Joe had been his former rugby team's doctor and had mended him countless of time during sporting injuries. Without question, Joe would take care of him. 

He felt a light tap to the side of his face. "Jamie, I need you to wake up. Can you hear me?"

He forced his eyes open. "W-what? ..." he rasped, the brightness of the light above him hurting his brain.

"Alright, easy now, buddy," Joe hushed, helping him sit upright.

He squinted at Joe's worried face, and then slowly scanned his surroundings. He was half-lying on the club's sofa in the VIP room. Through the glass wall, he saw Willie and Rabbie talking to a distressed-looking Morag and the bouncer. The place was lit, the music low and all the clubbers were gone except for the staff who were busy clearing up. He jolted up, and the sudden movement brought a stabbing pain to his head.

He groaned out loud.  Christ Almighty, how much did I have to drink?

Joe took the cold bottle of water from the bartender, opened it and gave it to him. "Here, drink this first."

Nodding gratefully, Jamie took the bottle, pressed it against his temple before drinking the whole thing to the last drop. He slumped back and grimaced. He felt like he had been run over by a truck. "Where's everyone else?"

"How do you feel?" Joe asked, ignoring his question and taking the empty bottle from his hand and placing it on the nearby table.

"I feel like shit," Jamie muttered. Then he looked up when Willie and Rabbie walked into the room. They didn't look any better than he did. "Where's Claire?"

"Listen," Joe cut in before Willie or Rabbie could say anything. "How about you go to the bathroom first and splash some cold water to your face? And then we'll talk."

Jamie frowned. "Joe," he said in a low voice. "I asked where Claire is."

There was a long silence as Jamie watched his brothers and Joe gave each other a knowing look.  Why couldn't they just give me a straightforward answer for fuck sake?  Jamie began to worry as his breath got caught in his chest and knew fear for Claire's safety was rapidly gaining in on him.

"Oh for crying out loud! I asked a simple question! Where is Claire?" Jamie pressed, hoping that their behaviour had to do with Claire having had too much to drink and wanted to hide it from him. "I swear to God if I..."

"She's with Geillis!" Rabbie finally said, throwing his hands in the air like he was annoyed or something. 

The look Willie and Joe gave Rabbie didn't go unnoticed. Straightening himself up, Jamie gave them all a warning look. "And where are they?" he demanded, raising his voice a notch, even though it hurt his head to do so.

"Look before anything else," Joe began, "We have a bit of problem we need to address. I think your drink has been spiked. In fact, I'm a hundred per cent sure your drink was spiked."

What the fuck?  

"What?!? What do ye mean spiked?" he shouted, shakily pushing himself up to his feet and ignoring the sharp pain that shot through his brain. He faced Willie, who seemed to be looking at him oddly. "Where is Claire? Why isn't she here? Please tell me I didn't do anything stupid," he said in a low voice to his brother.  Please, please let Claire still be here!  But Willie's face was already telling a totally different story.

"What was the last thing ye remember?" Willie asked calmly, searching his face.

Jamie cudgelled his brain, trying to think back, but something was off. Where there should have been recollections was a blank space, like a white wall bereft of photographs.  What the hell was the last thing I remember?  He remembered entering the private room with Claire and the rest of the group. He remembered Geillis coming to take Claire away and watching them head to the main bar. He hadn't liked the looks from men that followed them, but Claire seemed oblivious and so happy. He also remembered refusing the champagne given to them by the club, opting for a bottle of water instead. And then Morag came in with someone in tow.  Fuck! That was it?  That was all he remembered, and after that was nothing.

Jamie shook his head, hoping the action would clear some of the cobwebs in his addled brain. "I remember everything up to ye giving me grief for drinking water, and Joe ordering whisky and then Morag coming in with someone behind her. But that's it. The rest is blank."

"That's it?" Willie asked, running a hand through his hair.

"Aye. The rest I cannae remember."

"Sit down," Willie ordered.

Jamie hesitated at first but did as he was told. He plopped down on the sofa and massaged his temples, steeling himself for whatever was next.

"It was Forbes that came in with that blonde hostess," Willie explained. 

Jamie's head shot up. "What? What was he doing here?"

"Shut up and listen, will ye," Willie barked. "When ye asked Forbes what he was doing here, he said he'd seen Claire and thought to go looking for ye. He apologised for his behaviour at the awards, and then ye both shook hands. And then Forbes insisted on ordering a round of drinks as a peace offering. When both of ye started to talk shop, we all got up and headed to the dance floor to meet some lassies, and Jen and Ian left." Willie looked at Joe. "Want to take it from here, mate?"

Joe nodded, taking the seat opposite Jamie and bracing his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands. "After a while out there at the main bar, I started to wonder where Geillis and Claire were. Rabbie and I looked everywhere, and we couldn't find them. We even checked the ladies' room. So I pulled out my phone and realised I had missed calls from Geillis. She left a voice message saying she and Claire had gone to the Royal Infirmary because Quentin was taken ill and that Claire's phone battery had died. Since it was an emergency and the club was crowded, they've decided not to waste time and took a taxi. They didn't know how serious the situation was, and Claire wanted to be by her uncle's side without further delay. Geillis instructed me to relay the message to you as soon as possible. Knowing you would want to know immediately, I came here at once and saw ..." He jerked a thumb towards the main bar outside and swallowed hard. "...blondie sat on your lap. It looked like you two were making out. Her hands were all over you."

"What?!?" Jamie's eyes widened in shock, and his heart began to pick up speed, hammering so hard he thought his chest would burst. He got up from the sofa and clenched and unclenched his hands, unsure what to do with them. He noticed the bartender from earlier had already slipped out of the room, and Rabbie unusually quiet, was sitting with his head bowed. "Are ye all messing with me? This better be a fucking joke!" he roared. When no one replied, he clasped his hands behind his head. "Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! I wouldnae! I swear to God, I didnae. I wouldnae do that to Claire!" He picked up a whisky tumbler that was on the table and threw it at the glass wall, bleakly watching it smash into pieces. That's when he saw Morag being escorted out of the club by the bouncer.

"Jamie for fuck sake! We believe ye!" Rabbie finally spoke up, making Jamie spin around and look at his younger brother. "I was right behind Joe when we saw that lass in yer lap. Ye didnae look like you were doing anything except leaning back and looking daze. But she was all over ye and Forbes was gone. The look in yer face made Joe realised yer drink was spiked. Ye didnae look yersel', and ye were muttering, Sassenach. Even if ye werenae with Claire, ye wouldnae have made out at a place like this. I was about to punch the daylights out of ye, but Joe convinced me ye were acting weird. As soon as I asked the lass what the hell she was doing, she just jumped up from yer lap and left the room. Willie and I warned her already that if we found out she had something to do with spiking yer drink, she'll never work in Edinburgh again."

Jamie absorbed what his younger brother just said and let out a sigh of relief. He didn't know what he would have done if his own family and Claire's best friend accused him of cheating on his lass. "Have ye tried calling Geillis again?" he asked Joe, calmly this time, his breathing and heart rate somewhat back to normal.

Joe winced, and Jamie didn't like the look. "Yes we've tried several times, but there's no answer. And..." he added hastily as if afraid Jamie would explode all over again. "I tried Claire's phone too just in case she managed to charge it up. But no answer as well. They're at Quentin's apartment now. The last update I got, he suffered severe indigestion mistaking it for a heart attack. I'll keep calling, and maybe ...meanwhile, you can head ..."

"Tell him the rest of the story," Willie said in a solemn tone.

"What rest of the story?" Jamie glanced between the three of them.

Rabbie sucked in his breath and grimaced as Willie's face remained impassive.

Joe gave Willie and Rabbie a look of exasperation. "Fine, I'll tell him." Then he turned to Jamie. "A photo of you and blondie has already leaked out on Instagram and Twitter, and some moron with a fake account tagged you. It's only a matter of time before the news outlet gets hold of it and they ran the story of you cheating. We reckon it was Forbes who spiked your drink after catching on blondie having the hots for you and took the pictures. That man is a snake and is set to ruin you. We should have thrown him out when he came in here and ..."

Before Joe could finish his sentence, Jamie was already out the door. He needed to find Claire and sort this mess out. He didn't want to wait the following day because there was the possibility if he did, it would be too late. 

...........

Jamie rang the doorbell of Claire's uncle's apartment. He figured Claire and Geillis would still be up after reading what's been going on the social media. To his surprise, he was immediately buzzed in. By the time he reached Quentin's floor, the apartment door was open, and Claire's uncle was in the hallway waiting for him.

"Quentin, ye're alright. Thank God." Jamie had been expecting resistance, anger and probably at the least, Quentin's disapproving look. But there was none of that. He'd come prepared already bracing himself for the retribution that he expected to come his way. But there was nothing.

"Yes, yes. Just indigestion. Must have been the curry takeaway I'd eaten," Quentin dismissed with a wave of his hand. "I suppose you're here for my niece."

Jamie swallowed hard. "Aye, is she still here?"

"She's asleep already. Come in, come in, I have the kettle on for tea."

Jamie warily followed the older man inside and closed the door behind him. "Ye're not by any chance making stock at this time of the morning are ye?" he asked.

Quentin laughed. "No, don't be daft," he replied, leading the way to the kitchen. "I'm just about to crush some walnuts, and while I'm at it, ye can tell me what the hell is going on."

Jamie winced at his reply the moment he saw a handful of walnuts in a ziplock bag on the kitchen counter, all ready to be crushed with a hammer.

[devaigh]

The Winner ~Chapter 7

AN: This is currently the longest chapter I’ve ever written. This is now also the longest fic I’ve written and it’s far from over. I just want to say that I’m so super grateful for all the encouragement and everyone who has helped get this into shape. 

Previously || 1 2 3 4 5 6

The air outside was colder than she anticipated. The wind rolling off of the water lifted her hair, bringing the taste of salt to her lips.  She could still hear the sounds of the party behind her, though it felt a world away. Even the muted whispers of other guests around her seemed as though behind a sheet of dimly lit glass. A few stray partygoers milled about on the cobbled stairs leading down to the beach, while others dotted the path leading to a wide sprawling garden just beyond a delicate whitewashed gate. Instinctively, her eyes sought out a hint of red hiding in the shadows. But there was no trace of her daughter… or Jamie.

Claire felt herself start to breathe again. She just needed a moment. She stayed where she was, her eyes slipping shut.  Seeing Jamie here, seeing the way he had looked at her, she couldn’t stop the way her heart raced. It wasn’t fair.

How was he still able to do that?

Jamie had always been able to steal her breath, to make her want nothing more than his body next to hers. She felt whole when he was near. Until she didn’t.

After he had left, she had never found that again. 

Claire had to admit to herself, she had never really looked. What she had shared with Jamie had been the best part of her. When she had lost him, her grief had nearly consumed her. When Brianna had arrived, Claire hung on to the hope that Jamie might still be alive. He would come home, and take them both away.

But her dreams had been cut short.

She had seen the notice. The letters spelling but his name, his picture staring back at her from the newspaper she held. She knew.

He was gone.

She was alone.

She had broken an entire set of dishes. The lamp in the hall had shattered when it hit the wall. Frank had been furious. The worst part was she couldn’t explain. She didn’t want to see the self-satisfied smirk on his face.  

Claire opened her eyes, steadying herself. Whatever Jamie was doing here, she wasn’t going to get involved. She couldn’t. Her heart couldn’t go through that again. 

*  *  *  *  *  * 

His damn phone buzzed again.

Jamie swore.

“Not now!” he muttered under his breath. He dug his phone back out of his pocket preparing to turn the blasted thing off when the name that flashed across the screen caught his eye.

Willie

Christ. He stood, answering quickly as he made his way to the nearest exit.

Willie?

Where are you?

“I’m in France mo mhac.”

“Oh. Right. That’s this weekend. I forgot.”

“Dinna fash lad,  Tell me what’s wrong? Are ye okay?”

“Yeah.. but there’s a problem. I didn't remember you were gone, and then she showed up to my practice today and..

“Hold on lad, start at the beginning. Now, what’s going on?” 

* * * * * * * 

“That was a wonderful speech, Dr. Randall.”

Claire turned around and smiled when she saw the person standing behind her.

‘’John!”

“In the flesh. I do apologize my dear, for not having found you before dinner. I arrived later than I originally anticipated.”

“Oh...no. that's quite all right. It's been a rather busy day. I hope you had time to settle in.”

“I did indeed. You really didn’t need to go through all that trouble.” He laughed as she reached his side “How are you, my dear?”  Her hands were chilled, he noticed as she touched his arm. “You look wonderful.”  

“I’m doing as well as can be expected, I suppose.  It has already been a crazy month, but this weekend seems to have its own surprises in store for me.”  Claire laughed,  “My wedding was nothing compared to this one. “

“Well I imagine you made a most lovely bride yourself.”

Claire shrugged.  “It was a civil marriage. We went to the courthouse. There wasn’t any pomp or circumstance at all. Granted, it was only a few months after Brianna was born”.

John smiled, “I understand completely.” He offered her his arm. “Would you care to walk with me?  I was quite enjoying the lovely view you have here. How did you decide on the venue?”

“Brianna actually. It was her idea.”  Claire wove her arm through his, smiling up at him. “I used to come here often when I was a girl. It’s nice to come back. I’ve missed it”  She shook her head. “But enough about me.  How are you?”

John sighed. “All things considered, I am well, my dear.”

Claire raised one eyebrow. “And Hal?”

“My brother has recovered well. “ He stopped, turning to face her, his tone serious. “Our family is in great debt to you.  He has regained his energy and has become is old self.  There is joy again. Something I never thought I would see again in Minnie’s eyes.”

Claire nodded. “I’m glad then.  I have been thinking about all of you.”

“And we are truly grateful for it.” He smiled. “You have been a blessing to us all.”

“I’m glad I was able to help”

“Oh my dear, you don’t understand. You did far more for us than help. You saved my brother. You returned him to his family. We are eternally grateful to you.”

“I know.” Claire said, patting his hand. “But It’s what I do. I’m just glad I was there.”

“So am I.” 

* * * * * * * 

She felt the touch of his hand on her waist. A smile bloomed across her face as the warmth of Roger’s body touched her bare back. Turning, she met his eyes.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

Their lips met in a gentle kiss and Brianna licked the taste of wine from his lips. A deep rumbling laugh vibrated through her and she pulled away, grinning.

“What’s so funny?”

“Ye seem rather eager, Bree.”

She rolled her eyes. “Why, are you?”

“Aye.  I’m verra eager to call ye mine.” His arms pulled her closer, her own wrapping around his shoulders.

“I thought I was already.”

“Ye are. But I canna wait until ye have my name.” He said, pressing his forehead against hers. “I dinna think I can wait much longer.”

Brianna pulled back, punching him lightly in the shoulder. “It’s only two more days, Roger.  We’ve waited this long. Surely you can wait for two more days.”

Roger sighed.  “I know I can. I just dinna want to.”

“Well, that’s too bad, because …

A sudden movement caught her eye and Brianna turned just in time to see Jamie make his way into the room, his brow drawn tight. His eyes scanned the room, landing on her.   He stood just inside the room, still partially hidden in the dim light from the hall. She felt herself freeze at the expression on his face. His eyes were troubled and one hand rested against his thigh, where she could just see a small flurry of movement from his hand.   

“Bree?”

“What?” she said shaking herself out of her stupor.  She blinked several times, before looking back up at Roger. He looked concerned.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I asked who that was.” He motioned towards where Jamie stood. Roger’s eyes narrowed as he tried to see in the dim light. “Is he a friend of your mother's?”

“Oh. Um. He’s… hes just a guest.”  She bit her lip. “Will you excuse me?”

Before he could answer, Brianna had already left him standing there. 

* * * * * * * 

Jamie saw Brianna make her way towards him. This was it. His finger s drummed against his thigh as he waited. She had barely reached his side before he reached out, lightly touching her shoulder.

“Da?” She frowned, speaking quietly. “Is everything okay?”

Jamie shook his head.  “There’s something  I need to tell ye.” He pulled her to the side, as he glanced around. He frowned for a moment before he spoke, keeping his voice low.

“There's no easy way to tell ye this a nighean.” he said. “But I may need to leave.”

“What? Why? Is something wrong?”

Jamie shook his head. “Tis nothing I couldn't handle, lass but I just got a call from my son and..”

“Your son?” Brianna's eyes went wide. “I have a brother?”

“Aye. Ye do. A brother. Cousins, and..well..” he waved his hand, changing the subject. “I ran into yer Mam.”

“Mama?”

“Aye. She seemed rather upset with me being here. I remember ye telling me that she didna ken I was here, but… Well I think it's best I leave.”

“No!” Brianna tugged on his arm. “You can’t! Please! I just found you, and I really want you at my wedding.”

“I ken that lass, and I'd love to stay, but there's Willie-”

“He can come too!. There's still two days before the wedding. Call him and tell him to get on a plane.” She bit her lip. “I'll pay for the ticket, it's no-”

“I would, a leanan. But I dinna think yer Mam would take it well-”

“I'll talk to her. Please, please don’t go. I..I've never had a father. I don't know what it's like. And now that you're here, I.. I'm afraid if you leave I'll never see you again.”

Jamie held his daughters gaze, seeing the desperation and heartache contained within. His own heart was at war with his mind trying to remember all the reasons why he should go.

But he couldn't.

He felt it then. The tiny snap of his resolve. The last of the wall he had tried to build crumbled around him. He could not deny her.

His lips turned up in a smile as he saw the same reflected back at him. A silent conversation with the child of his blood.

“Ye will no get rid of me that easily lass.” He laughed, the sound rich and full as it rumbled through his chest. “Even if I were to leave, I still mean to know ye. Yer still my bairn, married woman or no.” Jamie reached out and cupped her cheek, his smile growing when she leaned into his palm. “I think we have gone long enough without the knowing of each other, ye ken?”

Brianna nodded, her eyes swelling with tears. “Yeah. Besides..” she grinned. “I still need to meet my brother.”

* * * * * * * 

After dinner, when most of the guests had gone their separate ways, Claire found herself still restless. Feeling trapped, she decided on a walk to soothe her frazzled nerves. Her hair hung loose across her shoulders, blowing gently in the breeze coming from her window. The moon hung low in the sky, carving a wide path across the smooth hardwood under her feet. Wrapping a silk shawl across her shoulders, she turned, heading back downstairs towards the doors leading out to the wide terrace. The sound of the ocean was calling out to her, beckoning her with the gentle crashing of waves against the sand.

At the edge of the courtyard that framed the villa, the large, rounded stones still warm from the heat of the day's sun, Claire shed her sandals. She hadn't intended on going far but  she wasn't surprised when she found herself at the water's edge, letting the water lap at her toes. She stood there for a long time still wrestling with her thoughts. Memories swirled around in her mind, distant echoes of things far beyond her reach.  

What did surprise her though was the sound of his voice from behind her.

“Sassenach.”

“What do you want?” Damn him. She thought. He had always had the ability to sneak up on her, a trait she found rather irritating.

“I want to talk.”

“I have nothing to say to you, Jamie.”

A Scottish noise sounded behind her, and she rolled her eyes. “What?”

“I need to explain.”

“Well I don't want to hear it.” She half turned her head, not meeting his eyes, but she could feel his presence edge closer.

“I ken ye think the worst of me, Sassenach, but there are thing ye need to hear.”

“No.”

“Claire-”

She whipped around. “You had almost 20 years James Fraser. You show up at MY daughter's wedding-”

“She's my daughter too, Claire.”

“MY daughter.” she huffed, her brown eyes glowing like like coals. “You didn't want us, and all of a sudden you-”

“I DIDN'T KNOW SHE EXISTED, CLAIRE!” his voice echoed between them. Jamie could have sworn he had seen her since. “How could ye say that I did a want my own bairn?”

“Well it became painfully obvious you didn't care about her. Or me.” Claire bit off, grateful for the darkness that his the blush staring her cheeks.

She was framed in the moonlight that shown behind her, bathing her ivory skin in the silvery light like a ethereal creature. Her soft curls shone, floating around her head like a crown of clouds, loose strands twisting together in the wind rolling off the water.

She had never looked lovelier.

“I ken,” Jamie said, trying desperately to keep his voice even. “That ye have every reason to hate me. But I promise ye Sassenach, it wasn't my fault.”

The bitter laugh that escaped from her lips twisted his insides. Her eyes locked on his.

“Not your fault that you chose HER.”

“I didn't remember.”

Whatever she was expecting, it clearly wasn't that.

“What?”

“I didn't remember.”

Crossing her arms, she turned, facing him. Her amber eyes flashing as they met his, Claire bit down on the inside of her cheek. “What do you mean you didn't remember? You didn't remember what”

“Anything.”

[himynamesmick]

TV show sample scripts

TV SHOW SCRIPT: Deans a working man SCENE 1: Interior - 24 Hour shop - Thursday - 00:00 The constant monotonous hum of Led lights lingers through the store. A small fly buzzes into one of the lights continuously. The Shelves in the store are perfectly packed like an Andy Warhol painting each item precisely spaced next to each other. Dean stands behind the cash register serving a sickly-looking middle-aged man in a grey tracksuit. Dean takes out some change from the till one coin at a time. The man leans over and begins eyeing up the cash in the Till.  Dean cautiously hands over the change. The middle-aged man snatches the coins from his hand and recounts the money in his palm. He gives Dean a look and turns to leave.

Dean lets out a quiet sigh and slumps over the desk.

Dean: can this day get any worse

The Automatic doors shoot open like a guillotine and from the daunting darkness outside appear three figures. In size order one small one medium and one long. Martin, Mark and Ken swagger into the store like a 90s boy band. Dean covers his face in despair.

Mark: Dean’o lad fancy seeing you here.

Ken: what’s all this dean?

Dean: What do yous want?

Both Mark and Ken begin messing with things around the till. Dean begins swatting them away like flys. Mark and ken both speak in a mocking tone.

Mark and Ken: what do yous want?

Martin: gotten yourself a wee career have we Dean?

Dean: it would seem so, yes.

Mark pops up behind the till with Dean. Dean is caught off guard by his sudden appearance

Mark: I didn’t know we were keeping secrets Dean hye. Feeling a bit betrayed.

Dean: Would yous get out’a here! I’m already freaking out hye.

Ken: what a ya freakin out over?

Dean: Yous getting me sacked.

The three boys all look at each other and begin jokingly acting like old women after hearing a ghastly inappropriate joke.

Mark: well I never.

Martin: Dean lad we would never put your new profession in jeopardy.

Dean: sound. Are yous getting something or what?

Ken: aye lad hold on, ok Dean don’t lose the plot all right.

Mark: Very poor customer service here Dean hye.

 FINAL SCENE: Interior – Thursday – 00:45

The shop floor is a mess the once organised shelves are now a mismatched circus of items. A bottle of milk lies open. Its entrails spewed out across the floor. Dean stands with mop in hand. His face still flushed red with anger after the boys last stunt. He is Muttering unintelligible complaints under his breath. He begins mopping the floor but can’t help feeling slightly bad for kicking the boys out of the shop.

Dean: maybe I was to harsh on those fools.

Exterior: 24 Hour shop

Ken, Mark and Martin all sit in kens car quietly feeling rather guilty about what they had done.

Mark: I mean we were only messing like.

Martin: I Dunno maybe we went a little overboard with the milk.

Ken: I think we should go back and help him clean up. Mark: I suppose so… wait whats this guy doing?

The three boys all look towards the shop entrance. The middle-aged Man in the grey tracksuit from earlier had returned. He was looking shiftier than before. He pulls a black mask from his tracksuit pocket and places it over his head. He then pulls a gun from his other pocket and enters the shop. The three boys all turn to one another shocked.

Mark:

HOLY FU…

Interior – 24-hour shop

Dean is still cleaning up the mess left behind by the boys. His head turns to see the masked man with the gun.

Masked man: OPEN THE REGISTE…!

Dean cuts him off. The red flush had returned to Deans face he looked like a bright red tomato ready to burst. He had mistake the Masked man as Mark in disguise.

Dean: ARE YOUR SERIOUS!

The Masked man is slightly taken aback by Deans aggressiveness but tries to stand firm.

Masked man: I said...!

Dean cuts him off again.

Dean: Do you actually think this is funny Hye! I know you’re Dumb but for the love of jesus would you wise up hye! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE YOU WA WA!

The Masked man begins to feel nervous he slightly lowers the gun and starts to shake.

Masked man: Just open the…

Dean cuts him off again. He throws the mop on the ground and marches towards the Masked man like a Rhino.

Dean: You come in here mess up the shop and then pull a stunt like this. You know what I’ve had enough!

Dean snatches the gun out of the man’s hands. Grabs him by the scruff of the neck and throws him out of the store. The masked Man shuffles to his feet and begins running away terrified. Dean looks up to see Ken, Mark and Martin wide eyed staring at him. Dean looks puzzled and takes a double take.

Dean: how’d you…? I thought…?

Dean looks down at the gun in his hand, the colour drains from his face and he passes out.

Interior: Deans room – Thursday – 9:00am

Dean wakes in his bed confused wondering if it was all some dream. He looks at his phone to see a message from his Manager. Dean reads it allowed.

Dean: Great job last night Dean the store is looking immaculate. I think you’ll be on nights from here on in.

Dean shoves his head under the pillow like an ostrich.

[mystictruth123456-blog]

Moon Conjunct Uranus, The Eclipses and Sun square Sun: My time at Beachwood terrace.

As I mentioned in my previous "transition from South node to North node " I was living in Burley Park in Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK with three spanish at first and an English guy who lived near Brighton. It was very noisey, I couldn't sleep. The address was 50 Beachwood Terrace. In Numerology the number "5" is the energy of change, freedom, communication, variety, the senses, adventure, entertainment. 5 is also my life path number in Astrology. It was defintely that. Not only did I learn a lot of Spanish but also much about the spanish values of community, family and partying. I was so resentful of my flatmates because I couldn't sleep. At one point I was very cold and angry with Pilar and Pablo because I didn't sleep well the night before and snapped at them. Then Laura stopped talking to me as well as the others, it drove me crazy. I decided to buy some Bengali food one day and the owner of the shop, a Scorpio/smooth talking cars salesman as well, reminded me that Scorpios put their mind to something, they get it. He also reminded me that God wouldn't put you through something if you didn't have the strength to deal with it. This helped me a lot with the situation and was able to make up with Laura. Still, I had many troubles my whole life with groups. I didn't want a part of there connection, they could sense there was a wall between them and I, and often they made it their goal and (especially the Scorpio girl "Laura") to surpass this obstacle. Pablo would sit their playing video games all day, yelling in Spanish, smoking weed. Laura and Pilar would play reggaeton and tease me, or beg me to read their Tarot cards. I noticed my connection getting closer and closer with them. Often I imagined being somewhere far, far away from them nor caring. I tried to detach myself from them the best I could (venus square uranus) because it hurt too much (Sun conjunct Pluto in Scorpio in the 7th). The French girl also arrived who revealed herself to have a good heart. Her father had died in the past and she arrived at the house because her ex she had been living with beat her. We spent one great evening listening to nostalgic music and dancing, singing Cher and other tunes. When the Sun went into Leo we would have dance parties in the living room that would go mental sometimes. I would ride along the Leeds -Liverpool canal sometimes. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I would think I had arrived in heaven. I met a guy that lived on a boat in the canal and he says it was the best time of his life. He reminded me how we often get so caught up in the rat race that we ain't happy. He lives off the grid. Also met a homeless guy in a boat who travels up the river and sells his carving. This encounter changed a lot of things for me. On the weekends I would meet my French friend Mael and we would meet with a bunch of international people and dance, speak in different languages and share our cultures. There was even a time when I met with some french people and then my French flatmate suddenly arrived! She was best friends with a few of the french there and we all knew each other! The Spanish girls returned to spain for fifteen days, before that time I had damaged the TV in anger (which I felt ashamed about and told them about) so I was dreading their return. I begin feeling time pressing to find a new place to live and no matter how many times I would tell pablo or the English roomate Ken below me about the noise it would only stop briefly and then increase. Pablo would leave the dishes stacked in our little kitchen and his clothes and stuff all around the common area which elicited many quarrels and in the end Pilar not speaking with Pablo. Another example of how strange circumstances were, there was an Irish guy called James who I met at the Spanish English Intercambios, who was very charming but would talk shit to me every time I saw him, especially in front of other women. One day, not soon after moving into Beechwood Terrace, James arrived at my house. It was a strange surprise. He was seeing Pilar and trying hard to fuck her but she made him wait, so then he tried to get at our french roomate which didn't work as well I thought. The house and neighborhood was always full of surprises. An example is some hippies moved in next door one day and threw a massive party all night, I asked to turn it down, lady felt bad and about three weeks later brought us birthday cake as a way of saying sorry I think. Another example was I got accidently locked out of my room by the letting agent, had to sleep on the couch and down the street, I heard screaming and encountered a dude dressed all in purple with a purple jesters hat, off his face, underneath a car. He was alright. Took him to the park and the cops got him. He said he was from Manchester and kept screaming "I am in heaven" I also bumped into a dude who offered me a room to rent in his house while all that was happening. I came back another time from my counseling appointment in Harrogate, after a walk and reflection in the woods. I bumped into Pilar with Her spanish friend Elo playing music, pilar dressed up in a robe, with crutches. It was very cute. I left the house about to confront everyone about the noise and bumped into a dude on a bike who lived in Chapel town, one of the hoods here in Leeds. He grew up a bit in Africa and finally arrived in Leeds, he was all about eckart tolle and loved America. He spoke a bit too much. Said he had isolated himself and seemed a bit over eager to hang with me. We chatted until four in the morning and then pulled tarot a card after never hung out with him again. I Felt bad about that. I pulled the tower. Another time I was looking for houses online in Victoria arcade. A gay aquarias Pakistani heritage dude from Bradford and a very pretty Czech Gypsy girl from Bradford started to talking to me. The guy kept asking me why I wasn't gay. The girl kept showing me her clothes she bought. They kept talking at the same time asking me questions about America. It was truly bizarre. I ended up bringing them to outside a meditation class. In the elevator they were making farting noises and pretending like they didn't know who it was. We never made it into the meditation class. They took off soon after and I knew I probably wasn't going to see them again and it probably wasn't my destiny to either and felt some sadness because of that, but reminded me how more down earth I've become since living in England. The next day after this incident some guy came out of my neighbors house and asked me to give him my trainers. It was truly a random time. Moon conjunct Uranus. Moon represents habits, the past, family, the home and uranus represents excitement, sudden changes, disruption. So if you combine these two planets together you can bet there was madness and excitement. Katy a English girl invited me to come to gay pride in Leeds and I had no expectations. She brought her french friend, some yorkshire girls and a spanish girl. We raved so hard at Mission Club, I had a small circle of people watching me. I invited my French friend mael. We danced (or at least I) danced on picnick tables with tons of other people and met random people in McDonald's. I went off with Leah the spanish girl to dance even more. At one point we were dancing in the rain, in the courtyard of a club, there was lazer lights and all I kept thinking was all the things I had been through up to this point, in California, my mum being really ill, being without friends, wanted to commit suicide, in a new country. Now I was dancing in the rain, free as a bird it felt, giving it my all for all those times I suffered. A week later Mael left, before he left if there was any doubts whether he was my friend or not, they were cast aside. His kindness and openness helped me open my heart to people when I had closed myself off from friendship before coming to Leeds. When he left I felt quite sad and said I wouldn't make more friends at first, I also had to find a place in two weeks and was having a crisis of faith. He taught me not to take personally or seek validation from these other folks who would critize me for being free, playful and essentially myself,and then ignore me. I realized having one good friend could make a city, even a country that much better. I decided to keep making friends and was successful in continuing my social circle. The spanish girls returned, and forgive me. I spent many days at the Victoria arcade, a very beautiful space, looking for places on my phone, people walking up and playing the piano when it was there, my life felt like a movie. The house search proved to be challenging, all the places wanting 6 months contract with very little room to squeeze out of it. One night I needed to wake early for a viewing in the morning and it was so noisey that I didn't sleep a wink. I yelled at Pablo and went to the viewing where three other people showed up. I spoke with my uncle Tim about my struggles and that needed a place to stay. The Next day I bought a tent and went into the woods nearby with a pair of clippers I found I made a path through the thorns to create a find a hidden and quiet place to camp. Still too noisey, so I went to a golf course near the canal and then realized how funny all this was. If only the folks in Cali could see me now, in a golf course in Yorkshire, England Leeds trying to pitch a tent because I couldn't sleep in my house. I then went and met with Leah and we went to a karaoke and danced like mad at a gay bar and then returned with her friends, talking at her house about domestic abuse. I opened up about how challenging it was about moving my whole life and making new friends. How I always found something negative about a place. I slept in my place that night. Next morning I get a text from Tim that I can stay at his hotel rooms he owns in Harrogate until October. A blessing showing me the universe has got my back but also I felt sad. It meant leaving the house and living an hour away. It was so sudden I cried and realized how much I cared about my flatmates, how quickly time passes and that everything felt like it was coming together but now it was time to leave. I went to the language exchange that day and ate food, feeling my time living in Leeds, slipping away. I returned later to give my all on the dancefloor, dancing with a middle aged Pisces Polish women, with dancing with the other international folk there and grinding on her until I had to leave. In the car and kissed her listening to Kazumba, after being very confused, because her facial expression was always without expression. It was way better then meeting the Lithuanian girl on the street who I could have kissed but didn't and she ditched me very rudely at the bar, while listening to live drum and bass. This all happened the day before the Solar Eclipse in Leo... I got back to Harrogate after fidling with the lockbox to get to key to enter a beautifully designed room, with purple couches, beautiful lights and my own quiet comfy bed. I could feel the blessings of the universe then, very strong. I deserve this I thought, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel But also there is no destination.. The journey is continues Part two "The otherside of the Eclipse: Living alone in Harrogate"