#i think it's because i've always connected myself to apollo

[brodorokihousuke]

i like how knowing that I'm currently as old as Apollo in Dual Destinies doesn't really inspire any emotion other than "cool"

but the moment I think about the fact that next year, I'll be as old as Klavier in non-flashback AJAA, a wave of complete fucking dread washes over me

[theic-manic]

Hi, so this is going to be a bit of a long ask, and if you don't think you can answer that's absolutely fine, I would appreciate even being redirected to something/someone else.

I've always felt somewhat drawn to hellenism in the last three, two years. I was brought up christian but I never believed in that god, like absolute certainty. I was atheist for most of my life, but I couldn't find it in myself to be that completely skeptic if hellenism when I found out about it. Recently I felt particularly drawn to Apollo, like he outright popped into my head, so I decided to try for real this time, and called out to him, I study the ancient classics and I knew a decent bit about hellenism from my own research, but I went to look into Apollo more and SO much just aligned with my life right now.

We had this one day of blinding sun immediately after, and I was so happy since I felt that was an answer, I go to school very early so I saw the sun rise and in the evening I went out to thank Apollo for the day when the sun was going down.

What scares me is that since I've called out to Apollo, I've been tired, and it's not my "normal" tired. I can usually do things even if I haven't slept well in a while, but all of a sudden I'm tired all the time, from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep. I tried sleeping more, didn't fix it. I genuely haven't been able to do anything for days, including things I told Apollo I'd do for him since I can't make proper offers yet (I live with my parents atm, not a minor tho). I said sorry but idk I'm worried the reason why all my energies are suddenly gone is because I upset him or someone else, and I would be happy to ask for forgiveness but I don't even really know how to understand WHO I've upset (from my understanding Apollo isn't tied to sleeping or tiredness, i thought illness but I don't have anything) or if I've upset anyone at all, and I was hoping for some tips from someone who had a bit more experience than me...?

Thank you so much for your time and your answer if you're able to write one to me!

Hey,

Thanks for the ask.

This is completely understandable and not unheard of among many of us...

Apollo is the god of plagues and diseases (among other things), so people prayed to him to be healed of the illnesses that he sent them.

He also had a history of giving people plagues and disease out of anger so I understand how you might think you've somehow enraged a deity however unlike Christian religion, it typically takes either someone of great importance or someone to fuck up royally to manage that and I honestly doubt that you've managed either.

There's just a solid chance that you've not set appropriate boundaries with Apollo and also others within your life.

In my intense and extensive experience as his devotee, if you're not doing what's required to look after yourself (such as not establishing boundaries with other people to ensure that you're not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm) he will absolutely knock you onto your arse (make you bedridden) to force such lessons.

The good news is that you have nobody to seek forgiveness from.

You need to do the following:

- Rule out all possible mundane causes such as diet, dehydration, stress, sleep disturbances, changes in medication, seasonal changes etc.

- Start setting boundaries with others to look after yourself.

Yes, that includes close friends and family.

- Start setting boundaries with Apollo (and any deity you worship).

I once had a migraine stop in its tracks because I asked, out loud, "what the actual fuck Apollo? You can't be making me ill whenever you need my attention, this is toxic as fuck".

But yeah, do those 3 dot points, and you should be okay.

Rest, hydrate and try to ponder what lessons on self care you may be needing to learn right now while making it clear to Apollo what your limits and boundaries are regarding worship and how he connects with you.

Sincerely,

An Apollo devotee hit with a random infection and lethargy as I am being reminded of this very lesson in boundaries being an act of self care myself.

[bunkernine]

hi pls ignore this if i have mistaken you for someone else and am making a fool out of myself but are you the person who wrote isosceles?? because that fic altered my brain on an abnormal and chemical level way back when and i just remembered it the other day and binged it all again and i feel like i remember there being a few other fics in that universe (one from travis’s pov iirc) and i wanted to know where they are. of course if you are not the person who wrote isosceles i am a fool and feel free to ignore this ❤️

I did, yeah.

I wrote it when i was 14 so at a certain point i didn't want to be associated with it because it didn't reflect me as much anymore. It was my big baby at the time!!! But i divorced from that a few years ago. As for the other universe fics, if i remember correctly: connor, drew, a vers where jason admits to liking him back (some point isos implied that jason DID like leo back but was too confused to do anything).... But i deleted those first because they just weren't as fun, and my own friend group was falling apart so it felt too close.

But yes, you have found me LOLOL. Isos is orphaned, but unfortunately the other fics are deleted fr. Sorry :( but thanks for enjoying it!!! 💖

(ramblings under the cut)

The reason why i didnt delete isos too was because so many people were saying what you are now. If i could, id rewrite it (both with style and plot differences) and do a whole new remastered version. Im not sure why i decided to write his senior year when i was a freshman/sophomore LOL so I always figured I would've came back to it when I was older.... Clearly I did not.

I WAS miserable in high school, at least socially. So Leo was a little TOO personal and it made me mad when i basically did what he did towards the end. I spent some time just doing some random apolleo fics. Capolleo series, so my name should've been capolleon by then? LOLOLOL i had been majorly influenced by some now-deleted fic which is why apollo is even there 💀 but now im apollos age in the fic and im like 'hmm. Yeah maybe not...'

Then there was a fic that was coming out towards the end of isos that i felt was copying me 😭😭😭 ← 14/15 yr old feelings. Who cares! But i would update and then they would update and i was so paranoid 😭😭😭 honestly, the vibe in general for valgrace in 2018 is much different than right now, and it was much more open and varied in topics. This is not to discredit the current valgrace leaders or whatever the fuck, but the vibe is just ... Pretty different.

But yeah. Im sort of using this ask as an excuse to talk about it, but isos was SO big and what i was known for within the small vg circle (outside of the text fic at the same time 💀) so i was constantly reminded of it. And dont get me wrong, i ADORED that fic when i was writing it. I was upset whenever my life was too messy for me to drop the chapter of the month. Double updates felt so ... Um. Mature and awesome, like i was a professional 💀 i wrote leo as bisexual but he had a pretty strong inclination to men because i was figuring I'm out that I wasn't bisexual but a lesbian, but I couldn't really articulate that, especially as I was dating a guy through that fic. That was some cute little endpoint i was gonna have but its reality frightened me so it was dropped... The complexities of piperleojason were insane to think about when i was like, crying at lunch in my bf's car 😭 When it was posting, i left some really crazy A/N's showing how volatile i was at the time, that i eventually deleted. But i was so proud of it and it was a comfort to write. I think the drafts were a lot more raw but people loved it anyway.

Anyway. It's been a while since I've been able to talk about this fic. People have left the most loving comments in the world and it connected with a lot of readers. Its also my only fic that had fanart and playlists and such made for it! I was so proud of that! I dont think people understand how incredible that is and it truly is the dream for fic writers!!! I have other fics that inspired ppl, but isos was the one ppl constantly flocked to or appreciated :)

I used to cry writing some parts of it and now it just feels like an old diary entry. I haven't read it in a while and thought about remaking it (probs... As college kids though) but haven't bothered. Technical-wise, theres so many things that are dropped or forgotten or are just clumsy but thats really just a maturity thing.

Anyway THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!!!!!!! Ppl dont ask me about my fics like they used to which was the whole reason why i made this account :(((( among other things, lack of interactions in fandom have decreased so much :((((

Love love love uuuuuuuuu

[buildingunderstanding]

I have tried to make it a habit of stirring intention into my coffee every morning. It feels silly to say because it started out as one of those "broom closet friendly witchy things" that felt neat to do when I first tripped down thus rabbit hole, but it has helped me to be a little more present and mindful in the morning. As a person with a dissociative disorder who does not like being present or mindful, this worked as a fun little hack in my goblin brain because it was allowed due to be connected to a special interest.

I've had a rough few days and this morning it was feeling like an obligatory habit. Many things in fact, had been feeling just habit or obligatory, and I have been sort of half heartedly trying to stop doing that.

Part of being dissociated for me isn't just "not being present in the moment" but a really deep disconnected with almost any kind of feeling that isn't dread or anxiety. So while I can tell I've felt more disconnected from really form of practice lately, I haven't figured out how it feels to "apply" myself or to "put my heart into" something. I just...do stuff. I can cognitively say "this is the reason for the doing" or "I want to do this thing (for xyz reasons)", I don't always exactly know what is the actual feeling or emotion behind it. I had a thought and now I am following through with the thought. That's kind of it. When I try to look more closely at it, it gets confusing because I don't know if I'm "feeling" things correctly because I don't understand what people mean when they talk about that concept.

So this morning I was trying to figure out how to get myself to feel genuine enough to want to consider my intention for the day and put that into my coffee and that's when I was prompted with, "Well, what do you want to do today?"

And I thought for a moment and landed on, "I need to get some tidying up done, so motivation to do that, I guess? I want my space cleaner, so motivation."

And the response was along the lines of. "Hm-mm. You want to do those things, so you have the motivation. Think about what specifically you need in this situation."

I thought for a moment, frowning at my coffee for making me think that hard when I hadn't even been awake for an hour and landed on, "Buidung structure. I feel overwhelmed and I don't know where to start in the cleaning process. I need help building structure and organizing how I clean."

Now at this point, I should have known it was Loki, buy it was early, I hadn't been up long, and honestly I'm so used to my system mates, I wasn't thinking about it too hard I was just chatting over morning coffee. But I didn't figure out that's what was going on until I got a response along the lines of, "...You're gonna need Apollo for that one. Some folks consider him the God of Order, right? He's gonna be better for that then me." And just dipped out.

I mean, mad respect for knowing your limits and all, but can I at least get a high five for being present enough to figure out what I needed before drinking my coffee?

[leojurand]

top 10 8 books of the year

i ended up reading 63 books this year, but since about 17 of them were rereads, this is top 8 out of 46.

i usually don't do top 10s or anything similar because choosing is hard, but i wanted to "force" myself to do it this year, and here are the results!

8. the secret lives of country gentlemen, kj charles

kj charles is my absolute favourite romance author, and i think her formula was perfected with the doomsday duology, even though they're not necessarily my fave books by her. out of the two, i chose secret lives because it was so perfect to me! absolutely adored both mcs, individually and together. i always enjoy the kjc novels that have higher stakes, and i was super invested in this story, and the characters, and everything that happened to them. very beautiful romance scenes. can't wait to read whatever she comes up with next!!

7. the mask of apollo, mary renault

it's still crazy to be that i've only read two mary renault books this year, because i am completely in love with every aspect of her writing. the prose is so gorgeous, and this book was so atmospheric and immersive. i love the slow pace in her novels, and there's always moments of introspection that tug at my heartstrings. and that ending!!

6. gaudy night, dorothy l. sayers

pretty sure the fact that i spent like half an hour talking to a classmate about how amazing the sayers's writing is makes her my author of the year. and it couldn't be any other way! of the lord peter wimsey novels, i think gaudy night is her magnum opus. it was a very personal novel for her, and it shows in the care she put into it. i love harriet vane so much, and i adore peter, and i'm so happy that the peak of their romance and their feelings for each other was reached in such a wonderful book.

i only wanted to choose one book per series, but my other two faves are unnatural death and murder must advertise (i have yet to read busman's honeymoon)

5. the ruins, scott smith

and the award for biggest surprise of the year goes to this book! its adaptation is a very nostalgic movie for me, and last month me and my girlfriend decided to watch it together. i decided that was the perfect time to finally pick up the book, since i'd heard so much about it being so much better, as is usually the case. and god, it is much, much better. fantastic writing, and the characters feel so much more human and real than their movie counterparts. great atmosphere, and the gore? oof. one of those novels that makes me stop in the middle of whatever i'm doing and i think "man, the ruins was so good"

4. the winter prince, elizabeth wein

now, this book truly never left my brain since i read it. i picked it up on a whim and it hit me like a truck, which i didn't expect at all from such a short story. it has one of my favourite styles of prose: simple but so, so pretty. it was so easy for me to connect with the characters, especially medraut, and with the messed up dynamics that are shown here. such a wonderful book, i can't explain

so, do i have any excuse for not having read its sequel yet? no! and i'm planning to do that next month

3. the heaven tree, edith pargeter

this is a trilogy but i think of it as one story, so this includes all three books. the heaven tree gave me everything i wanted it to give me: breathtaking prose, drama, fucked up dynamics, beautiful dynamics, characters that are complex and messed up and that i don't agree with so many times, but i could always understand (well, almost always. the romance in the first book is nonsensical and stupid, but i love these books enough to forgive it). such a beautiful story, with a villain who was as easy to hate and to admire simply by how layered he was.

2. the sparrow, mary doria russell

this is the only book on this list that i've already reread, that's how serious this is. also the most "staring at a wall for an hour after finishing it unable to move" book of the year. made me feel so many emotions i can't even begin to explain. the amount of love and pain in this book can't be measured. emilio sandoz character of all time.

1. fire from heaven, mary renault

second mary renault on the list, and one i've read! also one of my earliest books of the year, because i read this in january. and it has stayed with all these months; my love for it didn't falter for even a second. you know when you consumed a piece of media and think "this was made for me"? well, that's how i felt reading fire from heaven. everything about it was perfect to me, from the prose to the pacing to the dynamic between alexander and hephaistion. you can really tell alexander's story was very important to mary renault (she was pretty much obsessed with the guy, and how very relatable), and now it's important to me too.

so, again, how come i haven't read the sequels yet? well, i tried to the persian boy soon after finishing this one, but 50 pages in and i couldn't get into it, which is sad so i decided to leave it for another time. i think i love fire from heaven too much to fully embrace the change in perspective in the second book. maybe i'm petty because the persian boy is considered the best of the trilogy, and maybe renault's best along with the charioteer. and i just don't think i'll feel the same way! it's hard to believe that it will make me feel the way fire from heaven did. and that's why it has to be number 1 on this list, i'm so incredibly attached to it, 11 months after reading it.

and there it is! it's hard to rank books when they're completely different from each other, but i tried. i would say overall it was a pretty good year... hard to compete with last year because well. i did read 15 dorothy dunnett novels almost back to back then. but still! i'm pretty happy

[catboy-sinister]

So I've been doing some deep thinking for a bit. And by a bit, I mean literally over a year. But I think that this kind of thing deserves some deep introspection. Pondering, if you will. And I wanted to share this with my echo chamber of darling mutuals because I've never really talked about who I am on this blog. I plan to stick to that for the most part by the way.

Now for the focus of this post: Why do I like Mister Sinister so much?

Rather dramatic introduction for that, I know. But really, I've been doing some deep digging to understand why I'm drawn to this POS out of countless characters from countless forms of media.

Firstly, though: there are plenty of problematic elements to Sinister... in general. I could make a whole longpost airing out my greivances over the writing of the Weapon X era in general, but that's not what this post is about. I bring this up to state: I do not condone any of Sinister's actions, or his beliefs regarding eugenics. This should be a no-brainer, but there are plenty of nobrainers running around this website. I digress.

I think there are several elements that draw me to him. First off, the surface level characteristics. He's always been a bitch, no matter what incarnation, and I find that hilarious. To the flamboyant Gillen-Krakoa bitchiness, to the subtle/not-so-subtle bitchiness of even his Claremont days. His unapolagetic creepass is just a delight.

His design is also *chef's kiss*. Dr. Frank N. Furter went through a shredder. The cape? Love it. The diamond motif? Love it. The slutty thigh high boots? Love it. Victorian aesthetic? Love it. Victorian aesthetic while simultaneosly being a massive slut??? Incredible. Sign me up. His pasty bitchass has me kicking my feet, I'll admit it.

Sinister was also a major villain of my favorite media of X-men, the Animated Series. (And he was just as bitchy!) I have the Phalanx Episodes on repeat, I tell you. Funny enough, I thought he was annoying at first, but upon rewatching I had the oh...oh moment. (Mister Sinister turned me transgender pass it on)

He presents some interesting politics too. I don't think this is the post to dive into that, though. I've touched on it a bit before.

But apart from the fun stuff, I need to acknowledge the not fun stuff that drew me to him over time on a more emotional level. Now I'll actually talk about myself, as in Apollo, not just catboy-sinister (lmao).

All my life, I've struggled with emotion. As in, I feel emotion a lot less deeply than other people. Feeling something intensely only comes along once every few months. Most of my days are just spent kind of... numb? Checked out? It's hard to describe. But basically, I just really don't feel stuff.

Sinister was transformed by Apocalypse, which took his regrets, morality, grief, etc. Nowadays he expresses all sorts of emotion, but that wasn't the case before. Before, and especially in Further Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix (origin story), his entire emotional range was wiped or drastically reduced. And lowkey, I felt that? There are plenty of heroes/antiheroes/villains written as manly men who don't need emotion or morals... but that's not something I can project on. A bitchy Victorian themed scientist, though? That checks a box.

Sinister is also just kind of unsettling to a lot of characters in the world. Which honestly, I can relate to. I've literally been told I'm unsettling, lol, and stuff similar to that but a lot less nice. Even though I hadn't done anything.

During my youth, I never really fit in, never made genuine friends who I had a genuine connection with. My friends had always thought we had a connection, but I think differently. In fact, I think I can say that I've never made a genuine connection with someone before. Sounds sad when I say it, but I'm never really lonely. I just don't need that connection. I think Shithead Essex feels the same? He never seems to get lonely either, I'd say.

If I'm honest, it's kind of hard to feel human sometimes. I wonder what I'm missing out on a lot, which I'm sure Sinister never did, because he already experienced that. I feel detached a lot of the time. But I don't feel empty. I have hobbies and interests, likes and dislikes. I just don't feel things like other people do, or connect to them. Don't worry, the psych appointment is coming up in June (it was moved back).

The hardest thing to talk about is our similar grief. I won't talk about what I'm going through, because frankly I don't want to, but I can describe it. I'll be blunt. I know the feeling of watching someone immediately close to you slowly die as you can do nothing about it. So you detach yourself, preferring to feel nothing at all. There is nothing you can do about it, you feel helpless and alone. Essex was a doctor, I am not, but we both went through this similarly, diving into academic work and shutting ourselves off from the world. Of course, his 'academic work' was far more egregious than mine, but the baseline simularity is there.

There's really not a way to wrap this all in a neat bow. It's messy, but I'm a messy bitch, and so is Sinister. I think my final thoughts will be this: you don't NEED a deep, introspective reason to like something. It's nice to have it. It's healthy to do some good introspection from time to time, and critically think about why you like something. But sometimes you just like to look at the sky, or paint, or watch movies. A simple life is an equally fulfilling one, in my opinion. Or look deep in your soul to find WHY you like the sky and painting and movies.

It's up to you.

[graciousfulfillment]

i have been meaning to start a physical diary regarding my journey with hellenic polytheism, because technology is fickle and social media even more so, but paper journals never fit my standards. my handwriting isn't very good, my notebooks are never pretty enough for my tastes, and the threat of someone opening it and seeing my inner thoughts terrifies me. so of course putting them all out into the internet is so much better. obviously.

my heart feels like its being tugged in the direction of ares, hermes, aphrodite, and apollo. yet im so hesitant to give them an offering, and i don't feel like i can declare myself a worshipper of any of them.

aphrodite has always been the one im drawn to first. i have a box made from seashells, and i filled it with things that remind me of her years ago. i reopened it a few days ago, and set it out on my shelf. i consider that my only proper altar. despite holding so much affection for her, i don't feel as though i can properly worship her considering who i am. i consider myself aromantic and asexual, presently. i don't love myself, and i have no interest in developing self love with how i am now. i struggle to love my friends and family with my whole heart. love does not come easily to me. i love the sea. i want to lean on aphrodite and eventually, somehow, someway, transform my body into something i can safely and comfortably survive in. in the future i will love myself, maybe, but until then i don't feel good enough to fully connect with aphrodite.

ares draws me in with his energy. sometimes im just so incredibly angry, and its something i hate about myself and try to stomp down. i feel like to worship him, i need to lean into that rage and accept it as a part of me, but the thought terrifies me to my core. i don't know. my feelings are so confusing. the thought of a god who accepts my anger, and doesn't deem it as wrong or something to be avoided, soothes me to my very soul. but still, im not very opinionated, im as shy as a field mouse, i hold no courage whatsoever. i don't think i am good enough to worship ares.

hermes has never been someone who i was drawn to, until two days ago. i researched him and his domains(im not sure of the word?) and I realized how effortlessly he fits into my lifestyle and future goals. traveling keeps me alive. my future dream is to become a flight attendant, and an author on the side. i think that to worship hermes, as the god of travel, would suit my dream to be a flight attendant so perfectly. i have a lucky coin i bring on all my travels with me, and i have decided to dedicate it to hermes. i have not set up an altar for him, but i have 3 coins placed on my desk as an offering. i am not sure what else i could put on an altar for him. i prayed to him last night, and it nearly brought me to tears. i love him so deeply, and so assuredly, in a way i rarely feel about anything or anyone. in an odd way, i feel as though he's been there my whole life, waiting. i have always considered myself blessed by luck, because no matter what misfortune comes i have always made it through. and my home has a small clover patch in the summer, by my doorstep, and I've found three four leaf clovers there. the next one i find, i will preserve and offer to hermes. i adore what he represents and rules over. luck has always been of such high importance to me, as well as language, and travel, and so much more.

apollo has never been on my radar, honestly. i offered him a necklace today, accompanied with a prayer to assist me in my new volunteering/internship at a local hospital. he makes me want to sing, to pick up my guitar, to sit in the warmth of the sun, to dedicate myself to this new internship. i only fear I'll offend him in some way by being so horribly uncreative.

i have this far off daydream of one day having two beautiful children, and raising them under the guidance of my gods. i want to teach them the wonder and acceptance and love they can find in this religion, and allow them to participate in it if it calls to them. i daydream about praying to hermes under my breath before every future flight, i daydream about finding a community and celebrating festivals, i daydream about the future and instead of feeling so unbelievably hopeless i feel excited, and hopeful, and impatient.

i don't know. the motivation that ive felt in the past few days has been stronger than anything else. i have gone outside on walks through the snow and felt so at peace, i have cleaned my room and desk so i have a clean space to worship, i have quit a bad habit that's been plaguing me for years. i know im getting in over my head, it's scarcely been a week, but i have never felt like this before and i hope that i mean everything i say and this isn't one big manic delusion.

thank you,

robin

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

to father-in-law 9/7/23

You said something about having Ben train Fi to sing with his guitar. All three of the kids are able to sing this song together. They all did it at once one time and it sounded like an angel choir. (Link to Goodnight My Angel by Billy Joel.)

Music is a healing thing.

Theo might sing it for you a night he comes over!

This is also one of Theo's favorite songs.

I sing it in the shower every day as a prayer to my own well designed pantheon of divinity. But Venus loved war just as much as she loved beauty and peace. Your son has some outdated software in his subconscious that needs redirection when it comes to how you treat a woman you love and respect.

My Phoebus is now Apollo.

And like Daphne I will make like a tree shake off the mantle of your name that I accepted like the rotting leaves of a dying tree.

I am Andromeda and Perseus is getting too damn close to the sun.

Pegasus has bucked off plenty of Princes.

Raja has eaten their underwear.

Aphrodite was born from the old man of the sea being made into a ennuch. Sea foam.

I'm thinking in mythology these days, Zeus.

I can be the headache you'll never forget.

Or your adoring daughter.

But like Diana I will turn men who scorn me into the stags their dogs devour.

I think I'm telling you this because I love you and your family.

But it hurts too much.

And I've been here too many times.

And part of me is dying.

And I have risen back from the dead far too many times to fear death.

My given name is Mckeag, our motto is to neither dread nor yearn for the final day.

That's not my name either.

I'm still looking for it.

I hate to use a story you trusted me with to... illustrate a negative thing.

That's my broken heart talking.

But you told me when you went deaf, you didn't learn how to read sign language. I can't begin to understand the grief that comes with losing your sense of hearing.

You value music so much.

You're rough, but you're a secret music box like me.

The mother in me, the gypsy in me, the woman who has been fucked by guys your age since I was three (literally and can recall each memory in cold detail, by the way.)

Shirley Temple syndrome.

But my hero was also Gilda.

Anyways, as a woman who has had to fight for every damn good thing in her life....

I heard the man that stands of law in the place of Father

"When I lost my hearing I chose to become blind."

"My wife and children learned a new language to keep me connected to the family, but I chose not to learn it for myself."

And it's a pattern I can't rise above in this relationship with your son.

I don't like bad boys.

And he will regret me forever.

Trust me, I already have one dude who did the same shit finally treating me with respect a decade after bearing his children.

They say Danae, my soul ancestor, was cast out to sea by her father who learned that her son would become more magnificent than he.

Fear of the gods.

But as humans, don't we wish that our legacy be more magnificent?

Maybe not. I don't know. I've always thought differently than everyone else.

And I've paid for it with a body broken by hands that never thought I had value.

So if this is our last convo bc I've been too disrespectful.

(which is valid. I've said nasty things and made even uglier metaphors.)

But I need to express to you everything I feel at this crossroads.

And I promise with all my heart and soul that I had to build myself...

that I will never speak against your family or the members of the name in a public way with this kind of reckless talk.

Even if I'm not under your banner, or your protective shade, I will respect you as Theo's grandfather.

I just think that's important to state things clearly before anything starts getting tense or emotional.

Again, sorry for the unpleasantness. I've been very angry for a few days now and managing it well... but my period is coming.

When I'm bleeding it's more difficult to channel my rage in a polite way and I wanted to express it before gasoline is poured on the fire. Maybe more than you want to know, but I like my sincerity to be detailed.

[things-bright-and-fine]

I'm dedicating each month to a theos, since I'm almost at a year of helpol and want to start treating it seriously, and I decided that it'd be right to start the year off with Apollo to celebrate the days getting longer and the sun's return, plus it seemed right since my new year's goal is to get a tarot/oracle business set up.

Apollo's one of the newer gods included in my personal practice, more because I was already leaving offerings every other week from health anxiety scares that I figured I might as well include him with the others in my daily practice.

Now, while I wouldn't say I have a godphone exactly, I do seem to get some pretty strong signals from the gods--always in relation to my own life--and there are very clear personalities that come through for each that I regularly pray to. Hermes is bright and encouraging and chatty (for lack of a better term.) Hestia is quiet and gentle, with the gentlest prods into housework; "it's okay!" is a very common refrain from her. Dionysos is languid and chill until he's not, but always very joyous and fun. Aphrodite is a tough-love bitch (said affectionately and with permission) who pushes me to better myself, very blunt and no-nonsense.

Apollo was very quiet for a long time, which was fine! It was a very "you're there, I'm here, we're cool" relationship. I did a new year's spread to get in touch with him, and it very much had the vibe of talking to someone at a party that you sort of know because of your mutual friend Hermes but you're not like instant besties.

But then like I said, I dedicated this month to him. I wasn't expecting too much, but I was excited to learn more about a god I wasn't as close to. And somewhere around the start of my journaling, I was just hit with melancholy that I instinctively associated with him. And it's strange, because in all my reading others' upgs and such, I've never come across him being melancholy. But looking at his myths this month--primarily with Daphne (which has haunted me since I first read it when I was like 8) and Hyakinthos--I was struck with grief. Of how horrifying it must be to feel a heart stop beating beneath bark, of how wearing laurels could serve as a reminder of misguided passion; the pain of seeing the crushed face of a lover, and in spite of divine power, being able to do nothing but make flowers grow from the blood.

Now, of course, the myths aren't literal, and I generally try to avoid egregiously humanizing the gods--a little, I think, is unavoidable, or else what would the point of connecting with them be?--but even so, that deep feeling of melancholy and sadness have stuck with me in regards to Apollo, along with a very quiet sort of earnestness--the kind you expect from someone who's eternally young.

The best thing I can figure is that this is the face of Apollo the healer, which, like I said, is the aspect I would usually call to in the midst of a health anxiety spike. Homer called him the physician of the gods--but healing comes hand in hand with grief. It comes with loss, and pushing through despite it. And so to me, he comes through as quiet, gentle, and sad--but sad with the assurance that the sun still shines, music still plays, and the world is still very beautiful and there's many people to love.

I suppose I just felt like sharing a different facet of Apollo than I normally see people experience. I'm glad for it, really, because I never felt I could connect with the bright and happy sun god I saw--respect and love in the way I love the theoi I'm not as close to, certainly, but never get close--but this facet of him is something I can connect with and feel close to, and I feel very honored to get to see this face.

[theoi-crow]

Hello Nathan <3 , i wanted to say you thank you for all that's you have been doing so far so . i really love reading your answers and am thankful for your 'contribution' to my 'personal journey of exploring hellensim' .

but most of all , i am really thankful to you from the bottom of my heart to because of your heavy emphasis on the 'knowledge' aspect of apollo deity (both of you and jessie) have bring forth this 'role' of Apollo for me and i don't see many people talk about it like from you i learnt Apollo is the god of philosophy , reason , maths and science .

Usually i tend to acknowledge his healing and artistic side but cause of you i see myself drawn to 'knowledge' side of him (so thank you so much)

over all i love your blog so much .... May the gods you work with bless you 🥰

(my ask is in spaces because i know you have adhd , caring about others and going a few extra miles to make someone comfortable is one of the best lesson I have recieved from Apollo so why not do it for someone like

you who is so awesome and genuinely intelligent)

Have a great day 😇

Thank you for this incredibly sweet post! I was especially moved when you said you put the spaces there because of my ADHD and having the spaces ABSOLUTELY HELPED!!! Thank You!!!

It makes me very happy to know that I've helped you connect with the knowledge aspect of Apollo!

He's a very patient, approachable and kind teacher, after all he raised Chiron, the wise centaur who trained heroes like Achilles, Patroclus, Theseus, Perseus, etc: (LINK)

As someone who grew up with terrible grades thinking I will never live to see good grades, working with the academic aspect of Apollo has completely changed that! He first helped me figure out the best learning methods for me and then he taught me how to apply and study those methods while absorbing as much knowledge as I could. Now my grades are always high and it's been years since I've had a terrible grade!

Whenever I need to look at something logically, as the god of reason, I always discuss it with Apollo.

And whenever people ask me if I believe in god or science I always think of Apollo when I reply "I work with the god of science so…"

and please don't even get me started on philosophy and all the questions he asks me when I wonder about something and we discuss it. My favorite topic to talk to Apollo about is evolution and the historical evolution of religions or why things have come to be the way that they are. I can't help but feel so drawn to that aspect of him.

I'm so glad you are connecting with these aspects of him too, I hope they make your life richer!

And thank you again for the very kind ask!

[demoniccaterpillar]

I did a few more answers to questions from the spirit worker ask list.

17. How often do you talk to your spirits?

That depends on my relationship with them. I'm pretty much constantly connected to Azazel, so we're communicating through clairaudience and telepathy throughout the day, and I have a similar open connection with my personal companion demon (his name is Shaliss, but I don't talk about him much online since he's only known to me). I talk to Dantalion and Valefor multiple times most days too, since they're the other demons who are almost always present (Dantalion is one of my Patrons and Valefor's my self-assigned "guardian demon"). I also communicate with my celestial night fairy familiar at least once or twice a day, and try to remember to say "hi" to the other lower spirits on my property.

I talk to the other Divinities I'm really close with (Ampelos, Lucifer, Vine, and Hekate) at least a few times a week. I also do a regular schedule of brief honorary rituals every week to Thor, Persephone, Dionysus, and my agathos daemon (house guardian spirit) mainly as a way of reminding myself to keep in touch with them and the rest of my inner pantheon.

How much I communicate with spirits outside my inner pantheon really varies. I've talked to Apollo every day for the last few weeks, but there have been times I went months without contacting him. Ultimately, who I talk to depends on a combination of what I'm working on (part of why I've talked to Apollo so much is because everyone around me is sick so I've been doing healing magic and also making wards against them sharing their plague with me) and whether the Divinity chooses to come around on their own.

It's true that I'm always able to make contact with at least some of my spirits, but I do need to emphasize that I didn't start out with this level of connection. In the beginning I had the same issues most spirit workers do, with my clair abilities not always working and Divinities ignoring me. Over time, I worked to strengthen and expand my natural clair abilities until they were reliable and also developed very deep connections with the spirits at the center of my practice.

25. What common advice given about spirit work do you NOT agree with?

I think the threat of "imposter spirits" pretending to be well-known Divine Spirits is vastly exaggerated by many spirit workers, especially in the Demonolatry community. Most powerful Divine Beings protect their names, meaning they deal with any lower spirit who uses that name to impersonate them, and it's rare malicious spirits take that risk. Plus, if you have even the most basic spirit senses, you'll be able to feel the difference between Divine energies and everything else once you've experienced true Divinities. If you're new and doubting if a spirit is really Divine, just do a strong cleansing while the spirit is present. Real Divinities won't be removed by cleansings or standard negative entity banishings, and shouldn't mind if you do one with them there.

Another claim I've seen frequently is that all real Divinities will follow general codes of conduct with mortals, or at least not engage in certain behaviors (the details of these codes and forbidden behaviors vary depending on the values of the mortal writing the advice). I totally understand why people want to believe Divine Beings won't do things they find morally repugnant, but that doesn't make it true. Every Divine Spirit I've met has their own personal code of ethics, which vary wildly between them, and many couldn't care less whether their ethics align with the morality of a given mortal or culture. As enlightened consciousnesses Divine Spirits aren't generally seeking to inflict pain or do harm, but it's extremely hubristic to think the entire Divine World will abide by your values or the values of your culture.

I suspect this thinking connects with the excessive fear of imposter spirits, since I frequently see people say things like "if the deity you're working with does X, then they must be an imposter". Not only is this overstating the presence of imposters, it's dangerous advice because it carries the implication that you no longer need to worry about a spirit doing "X" once you've confirmed their Divine identity, and that may not be the case.

[rens-apollo-shrine-blog]

Personal opinion

I agree, while Tiktok did open up HelPol , there is SO MUCH MISINFORMATION.

Take my word with a grain of salt because I would classify myself as a polytheist in general, I do believe that there are many more pantheon and don't vibe with traditional structures in religion, I just stick with the Hellenistic gods because I'm really attached to Apollo, (and I have to admit I'm insecure about my own attachment to him due to what I have learned from tiktok and I'm trying to unpack that too) despite being in the practice for over 5 years, everyone has their own pace

Many probably come from a more organized religion, This includes Wicca (this is important), so some concepts that seem similar to what they have moved away from maybe exaggerated or even twisted to a more "comfortable" or "reasonable" structure but it ends up changing the whole point of the religion. There's also the need for moral superiority that comes in too.

And sometimes people start out with secular witchcraft and hell should have stayed with secular witchcraft or at the very least have not started with deity worship right off the bat (I definitely should not have started with that) and work however mostly of the material were written by wiccans in the early days, and their religion had an emphasis on their deities and deity worship

I hated the "trickster spirit" phaseof pagan tiktok. Like I HATE it. It was I think a year ago when that became a thing, while I do agree that there are more spirits out there other than the major gods. The whole fiasco really shook those who are beginners, weak faith or just general anxiety when it came to connecting with the deity one worships. It also demonized those spirits who are not as major as the gods, and ACTUAL trickster spirits such as HERMES and Loki, who I've heard do actually "impersonate" but more accuratly intercept deity communication.

I do completely advocate for the learning of protection magic, cleansing and regular prayer as it's very important overall in magick and there are actual equivalents in Hellenistic polytheism

There's also some beliefs that the known gods are ineffable, always in your best interest, then look down on ones that aren't "registered" as gods accusing them of malevolence or trickery when both kinds are capable of such. Hermes will mess with people as much as a wood nymph would.

Faeries or at least the concept of them coming from the intermixing of other religions and cultures that are also being spread on tiktok. There are spirits but the equivalent to faeries for me personally would be nymphs/minor goddesses and minor gods.

I admit I am very insecure but I was even more so when that happened, Apollo knows when to step away when that happens and I appreciate him for that. So if you friend seems stressed out about the levels and impersonation of gods

So just find other resources for them to explore like books and websites, and maybe recommend them things that are not god focused when it comes to magic

While I don't have much authority I am willing to talk more about this stuff too 👍

Update

Please make sure you give proper resources to both of them and explain them what myth literalists and how it doesn't have to be like that when it comes to worship, I've seen a person break Xenia with Zeus of all the gods and I don't want a young follower of Zeus to be ashamed for worshipping and working with Zeus

uhm… guys i need help/advice here, preferably from someone more experienced with hellenic polytheism. one of my friends (i’ve talked about them in one of my posts, they’re the one who worships Hermes) has been saying some things regarding hellenic polytheism that im very confused about. the main reason i’m skeptical is because they get all their information from tiktok. like… those helpol tiktokers

so we were talking today and they started talking about how there’s 6 levels of hellenic polytheism. i assumed they meant the 6 pillars, but i didn’t mention it. they said they were at the second level, so that’s when i was like “oh. they mean actual levels. like… a video game.”

then they started talked about how at the second levels there’s fairies?? that will impersonate deities?? mess with you?? try and fuck with you overall?? keep in mind, they only worship the greek gods. and no, they didn’t mean any other sort of being. they meant fairies. they were talking about how they need to do protection spells and wear certain jewelry, cleanse things, ask their deities for protection, and be cautious of overall what they do or tell their deities in case that’s not them (uhm… sounds like an unhealthy relationship with religion if you have to be scared tbh)

i have literally never even heard of fairies in religion and i heavily doubt they exist (in this religion), but i might be wrong?? i’m just concerned because their younger sister (the one who i said just started worshipping Zeus) takes a lot of guidance from them. i don’t want either them to be misinformed. but the older sibling has said many things before that are just flat out wrong but things i know they’re hearing from tiktok.

i guess i just don’t know what to do?? do fairies even exist in hellenic paganism/polytheism?? i’ve been doing this for a bit less than a year so i don’t know, but i’d hate for them to be misinformed, or even worse, for me to be spreading misinformation

[pigeonflavouredcake]

Q&A about my practice because why not?

From an experienced practitioner to anyone reading new or expert.

You're welcome to take these and make you're own answers. Feel free to ask me anything I don't mention here.

1-Are you pagan, a witch, or wiccan? I am pagan first, witch second. I try to avoid wicca as much as possible but Garnder practically had a chokehold on spiritualism so i'm not going to be perfect.

2-Are you solitary or part of a coven? I'm solitary, I prefer to take things at my own pace.

3-What type of witch are you? I used to think witch types bared a level of importance but as i got into it it was hard to keep up with the labelling and in the end it felt pointless. i don't want to restrict myself to a type of witchcraft. IMO you're either a witch or you're not.

4-When did you start practicing? I was raised pagan but my parents chose to keep it casual and let their kids decide for themselves when they were old enough. I was 15 when I decided I wanted to get into paganism and witchcraft on my own.

5-What drew you to it? I always had special interests in mythology, monsters, and fantasy so it probably started there. I had books growing up on gods and goddesses and Celtic fairy tales that I still have to this day.

6-Do you work with/worship anything? I worship the Hellenic gods: Apollo, Hermes, and Dionysus. Although their presence is a comfort in my life I wouldn't consider it working with or call any of them my patron.

7-Why do you work with/worship them in particular? These gods have their own individual things they bring to the table that I wanted to improve in my own life. Dionysus is about expressing my androgyny and artistic expression, Apollo is about practice, skill and diligence and Hermes is about communication between these two and physical health.

At first is was just me and Dionysus but as my worship grew to accommodate all three it started to remind me of my own dynamic between me and my brothers, Dionysus and I both being the youngest.

8-Are there other parts of the craft you're interested in? As all of us do I like nature, so I develop that connection and appreciation through cooking, foraging and taking care of plants (ferns are my favourite). I'm also interested in Irish/Celtic paganism because I want to learn more from my cultural heritage and because a lot of modern witchcraft as we see it today was taken from Celtic paganism.

9-What's your altar/space like? My space is currently just my bedroom. I'm still living with family so it's the only space I have that's 100% mine. My altar currently doubles as my vanity, I keep the gods and my tarot cards and big crystals and candles on it with a trolley underneath that I keep my miscellaneous tools in.

10-What was your first "witchy" book? I've had this book since i was a baby and i still read it because it's too beautiful to get rid of. The Changeling by Malachy Doyle and Jack Jones.

11-What's a book you recommend everyone read? The Witch by Ronald Hutton. It's a long read but it's a concise book featuring multiple different historical perspectives of witches and magic.

12-What's your favourite tool to use? I love all my tools equally but i particularly like my wand, an iron fire poker i found on ebay, it's very plain and simple but it does the trick and makes the space feel more well rounded as well as protected.

13-What's your favourite time to practice? Sunrise or sunset. I'm an early bird and i like the peace and quite because my neighbours make a lot of noise every other time of day and I like the in-between/grey/transitional areas but i'm not entirely sure why.

14-What's your favourite holiday? Samhain! With my family every holiday is celebrated with some kind of food (like spring equinox it's quiche, Beltain it's honey loaf) But food wise Samhain is where it's at! because it's the end of the harvest season everything tastes better and there's so many dishes to choose from.

15-What season(s) connects with your practice the most? Autumn and winter. Maybe it's because Dionysus likes Yule or that i'm spending more time inside but the cold season is when i feel most connected. The colours are beautiful, the food is amazing, and it's rain season for me so i get more chances to relax.

16-What do you think of light/dark magic? I don't believe in light or dark magic, magic is magic. I find that polarisation is just a way for people to flex their moral ego and I can't help but feel uncomfortable at the racist purity undertones.

17-What do you think of hexing? I'm neutral/semi-pro about hexing. Again because the moral compass being a thing to flex feels dodgy. I say don't go hexing just because you want to take your feelings out on someone you don't like, only if they deserve it. I would do the same if I had your level of patience.

18-What do you like about the witchcraft community? Controversial opinion but I actually like the aesthetic. I love all the cool pictures of forests and baked bread and moths and messy eclectic altar spaces. I think it's pretty and I'm a little jealous.

19-What do you not like the witchcraft community? I don't appreciate how gendered a lot of things still are. I never understood how somethings are feminine or masculine especially in nature. things like divine feminine/divine masculine would be nothing without modern interpretations of gender. those interpretations are arbitrary and subjective so what basis do we really have for calling one thing feminine and another masculine?

20-What was a mistake you made at the beginning of your practice that you regret now? I used to think chakra was just a simple witchy thing anyone can do if they have the right rocks. I was dumb and disrespectful and ignorant about Buddhism. There's way more to it that just pretty rocks and meditation and i have no right to talk about something i know nothing about.

[meggannn]

forbidden west spoilers ahoy, do not read if you don't want to hear my negativity about this game. i'm not posting this to debate, just to get my thoughts out

I was gonna reply to a reddit post about HFW being a power fantasy against capitalism (complementary), and why I feel that’s actually a step back in this story, but decided maybe I didn’t feel like seeing downvotes and defending myself all day, so here is a post about one reason of many why I thought FW’s main story was uhhhhhh a marvel movie turned video game (derogatory)

so first off, just to explain where I’m coming from, the Zeniths in the spotlight as main antagonists is a big reason why the main FW story had no interest for me. I felt my heart sank at the end of Death's Door because 1) Old Ones secretly surviving the apocalypse, 2) space people, 3) Those Hints We Gave You Were A Lie! was exactly what I was not interested in. and it’s a big reason I resisted the game’s story, and still find myself disinterested in FW’s reveals: more clones, immortal billionaires from space, forgettable faces who are capital-e Evil, Faro devolving from a selfish guy driven mad by guilt (infuriating but realistic) to a selfish narcissist who mutates himself to live forever (yawn)... I feel like I've seen this movie before. when I think back on the main themes and story beats of FW, it all devolves into an uninspired mush in my head.

Horizon was always sci-fi, but it carved out an identity for itself in ZD, in my opinion, by consistently blending the old and new world and emphasizing the overwhelming emotional theme of “moving on from loss.” she cannot save Rost. she cannot save Ersa. her mother is dead. she cannot reunite with Gaia. Apollo is gone. the old world is over. Aloy finds a renewed interest in the past to celebrate the PZD's sacrifices for the sake of her biological predecessor, but she can and must find a way forward without Liz to make the planet better in service of the people today.

except actually the old world isn’t dead, but the worst people from it survived and also they want to kill you! Odyssey survived, Old Ones are still around (but not like the good ones like Stanley Chen! sorry!), Faro survived, Gaia doesn’t need to be rebuilt and is just sitting around waiting to be found, Apollo’s knowledge is fine and totally recoverable for the good guys, all you have to do is pick up a clone—who comes straight to you—and attach the Apollo database to Gaia’s kernel in an endgame cutscene. like… at some point I just wanted to shake the writers and go “STOP WALKING BACK WHAT YOU TOLD US IN ZD” because every main Zenith development was just another exercise in my patience. I like twists, but I’m a big believer in “yes, and” twists, not the “no, actually”s and FW was full of tons of “no, actually”s.

in case you didn't catch them, cause they really hit you over the head with it, FW's themes seemed to be "Aloy learns to rely on her friends" (she already learned that lesson in ZD imo, but also, how do the Zeniths reflect that purpose at all? what bothers me is that of her companionship in FW, in cutscenes she primarily draws comfort in the things that tie her to the old world, like Gaia and Beta, not the new world, happening today...) and... I guess "Aloy learns how to step out from underneath Liz's shadow" (imo Aloy already did this by saving the world, but OK, fine, that's realistic; in FW they have to toss in a predatory lesbian to drive that idea home, but OK). except the story beats contradict the themes, because Aloy agrees to let her friends help, but her fears that her allies will get hurt because of her are fully justified when the Zeniths kill Varl and kidnap Beta because Aloy couldn't bring herself to shoot her, and there's like... no acknowledgment? that this was what she was afraid of???

(and imo in a major step backward of ZD brilliance, in FW's main plot the old world does not blend with the new; Beta, the best possible resource to connect the two worlds, sits in the base and does not interact with the new world and cultures, isn’t shown wanting to, idk, even eat or wear contemporary food or clothes. compared to how in ZD, Sylens (new world) manipulated the Eclipse (new world) to worshipping Hades (old world) because he wanted knowledge (old world), like. that was an origin of a villain that fit the themes of the story! defeating the Eclipse/Hades was not a conquering of new over old, it was a fight against a mimicry of the Faro Plague genocide with new/old world aspects (Carja genocide of the Nora, Hades genocide of the world) to emphasize Aloy’s past and present colliding and her unique situation as a child of both worlds, and that quest to stop it culminats in her entering the Eleuthia cradle to find she is the key to the old world and saving the new! like! Guerrilla! look at what you did, you wrote these story beats so right in ZD!!!)

look, other writers have done clones, the ethics of immortal life, and space capitalism before, and they’ve done it better. what made Horizon so unique to me in ZD, the themes I mentioned above and how they wove into the main conflicts and villains, was missing in FW. FW felt like it was a collective project written by the fans in the horizon subreddit trying to make their theories come true. people compliment it there for making them feel good/cool/like a badass, and frankly yeah it was fanservicey and a power fantasy (derogatory) in everything from the story to the mechanics (now that we can fly on machines will everyone PLEASE find something else to talk about?).

if FW had been a new IP without ZD setting the stage, I’d probably be more forgiving, but even if it was a fresh story, the overarching beats still made FW feel like the script was written in 2003 but just sat around on a shelf until it had a Sony PS5 budget. right up to the pairing off of Aloy’s potential wlw and love interests of color with other straight pairings (Varl and Zo, Talanah with Amadis, arguably Vanasha with Uthid? I read a bit of flirting there but IDK if I was imagining it). and of course the black companion getting killed by a one-dimensional villain for absolutely no reason and leaving behind a baby (Of Course They Did That) with Zo, who is probably gonna be too busy or out of action to be a companion in horizon 3. so, yeah, I'm assuming they've written two black characters out of being companions in the next game... the only potential upside is that we might have gained Sylens.

anyway we can talk about it being “a power fantasy about destroying capitalism!” but in ZD, capitalism was so obviously the villain that it was a background feature in the world-building; they trusted that the audience understood that billionaires were the reason the world died. it didn't need spelling out. capitalism was already over because everyone who’d made the planet this way was already dead, and (we were led to believe) they were dead before the first game was even started.

ZD’s “the old world is over, everyone who killed it is dead, let’s focus on how to make things better NOW because WE are here now” appealed to me a lot more cause it felt like the writers trusted the audience knew what happened in the past was a result of awful people with unlimited power. ZD was an exploration on what happened next, how to continue in the ruins of a broken world. I was hoping FW would continue that thematic exploration on rebuilding from the broken pieces, but FW felt like a major step back thematically with its villain; I didn’t want to see a villain I thought was dead Akshully Is Alive and Here to Kill You! I didn’t feel like the Zeniths needed or deserved to be in the spotlight. they’d already fucked up the world, I didn’t want to see more of them. let them rot in history, completely forgotten. same with Ted Faro; what new info or insight did Faro’s fate give us that complements Aloy’s goals or the story's themes to heal the earth? how was Faro's Tomb not anything more than a revenge fantasy for people who wanted begged and pleaded to see Ted burn alive? what new depth was given to Faro that didn't make him feel like any other generic movie villain who wants to live forever? how did fighting the Zeniths support the themes of techno-environmentalism being the way forward, rebuilding life from nothing, negotiating with AIs as necessary skills Aloy will need to utilize in game 3?

I don’t know. I’m just so disappointed in everything about the main quest that wasn’t Gaia. I was so excited to see more of the subfunctions, but for all their importance they were relegated to one-liner macguffins. Sylens and Regalla, two players who were majorly promoted and had great potential to serve as antagonistic figures of the new world, were missing for like 90% of the story. (imagine having Lance Reddick and Angela Bassett on your payroll and benching them for the whole game. what were they thinking??)

anyone who reads this will probably think i hated the game, but I guess I should clarify I guess that I didn't hate FW—as a game, it functioned very well, the side activities were great, many things were a major improvement to ZD, and fun factor was high—I just thought the overall story was dumb lmao. and unfortunately that was a big reason why I was so invested in the series in the first place.

[wolfcrunch]

Forgot about the Vigs chapter until you mentioned it! Oh my god, right away I recognized the first page, THEY LITERALLY PUT IN THE HUDSON RIVER LANDING?!?! Does this take place in 2009 or is everything delayed so 2259??? Is the Apollo 11 mission real yet. Also color pages!! Koichi flubbing up and creating controversies because he can’t English :’) omg, also that he had to leave Japan because of debt and law suits?! America being more accepting of vigilantes, subtle worldbuilding clues around...

honestly, I'd forgotten about it myself until i saw someone on twitter mention it.. and i didn't even read the chapter until i woke up this morning.

seeing Koichi get all confused and create controversies because he can't understand english is funny, it was a nice sendoff for him and his story, i think. seeing him be a hero and how his budding career is going in America, and i personally think that is where his story should end - not appearing back in japan for this final arc in the main series, like i've seen many fans theorize..

despite my dislikes with how certain parts of the story or characters went, it was still a fun experience to read for the most part. the subtle broadening of worldbuilding is always nice..

i honestly wish Star n Stripes had appeared as a cameo in that final chapter too tbh, to give even more connection between vigs, main mha and two heroes

[box-dwelling]

Yeah I'm still on case one but like the feeling I'm getting is very much that this seems like 2 games smashed into one. Phoenix on his own on the stand can work and has worked but it really testing me here and I get what people are talking about now with Apollo's cut screen time.

I actually didn't have this issue in DD. I really liked it even though I know that's controversial because no matter what all 3 characters had a presence during each case (with the exception of Phoenix in 5-2 who doesn't need more screen time). Like Apollo isn't the player character in any case in that game except 5-2 but he always feels present even when the point of that feeling is that you feel his absence. 5-1 is about the fact he's been injured. It's seeing the effect that has on Athena and Phoenix. Reclaimed is the worst for this but even then he's the man in the chair at the office and it's dlc so it doesn't really matter. 5-4 doesn't feel like separate case to 5-5 to me but still we start with him and the point is that he's gone. Athena and Phoenix are constantly talking about him. The point of 5-5 for Phoenix at least to me is to feel this little found family breaking and then reuniting. I'm a sucker for that shit.

But SOJ is just like, oh so we get half a Phoenix game and a quarter of an Athena and Apollo game respectively rather than it being an ensemble they're all a part of where we rotate around who we're playing as. There's no one mentoring or weird girling and that's so felt especially when our only other characters beyond witnesses are Rayfa who look like she might be interesting later but I have no connection to, Payne who is purposefully written to be annoying, and a new judge. Beyond that the stakes are insanely high and it's just feels off.

Looking at the other cases they look interesting but I have to get through this one and it genuinely might be the worst in the franchise. Isolating the protagonist works and has worked but for a tutorial case it's ROUGH. By their nature these cases have very limited witnesses so there's little characters to have there. I don't think it's a coincidence that beyond the player character there's 2 recurring ones as the defendant and weird girl who are expanded upon either previously or within said game so they knew they had more to work with in every other tutorial case that can make up for that dead air. 1-1 has Mia and Larry, 2-1 has Maggey and Maya, 3-1 has Phoenix and Grossburg, 4-1 has Kristoph and Phoenix, then 5-1 has Juniper and Athena and Phoenix sharing both weird girl and pov. They also all have an established dynamic with the PoV character. The closest ones that don't are Maggey and that case is rough anyway and Phoenix in Trump and memories which doesn't matter because it's Phoenix and we know him ourselves.

I don't know if it's long technically but it feels long because there's no friendly banter to break up the exposition.

Also Payne here is playing kinda like Edgeworth? I like keying myself into how the argument styles of each Prosecutor differ. It's a neat trick they do and it's fun it identify it. Payne never really has one because he's supposed to be the easy opponent. I've made a post about it before but to recap Fran is beligerant, Godot pounces, Klavier is really quick to figure stuff out, it's said in game but Simon played mind games, and Edgeworth is thorough and pre-redemation is sneaky as fuck. The best example is also a meme but it's the updated autopsy report. He has evidence you do not and he will only reveal it when it's advantageous for him. Which is fine when it's him because he's Edgeworth and he's funny and charming which make up for it. But Payne is doing the exact same shit here but its Payne and therefore annoying and unpleasant. It's like making me play against Bratworth but taking away his charm and tragedy.

It's just frustrating because I'm just not having fun which even though DD is flawed in many ways it was always fun for me to play because no matter what I was spending time with fun and engaging characters. Phoenix is that but so much of that comes from seeing him bounce off the other people he cares about. The only times it works to isolate him is when the emotional stakes are so high and you're so engaged that the banter would subtract from that. When Mia's just died or he's loosing his badge or Maya's been kidnapped or someone we as players love is on trial it's tense enough that it would only subtract from that tension to have a weird girl with him. Here the actual stakes are insanely high, he could die if he loses but emotionally? I understand why Phoenix would put his life on the line for this kid he just met, that's what he's like but for me as a player why do I care? I don't want him to die but hes not particularly worried and they keep making jokes about it. It's just really badly handled investment

I am honestly really really struggling with SOJ but I will say that turnabout revolution looks interesting as fuck as a concept. Yes yes have Apollo fight against Nick and then have them be the defense team for the finale. Great way to end it