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smallblanketfort · 4 years

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i see you posting a lot of submissions about some people who’ve been here for a while, about all the growth that’s happened since this blog’s earlier days. and i am happy for all of you. i am. but it hurts because i’m jealous, and i hate that about myself. jealousy is such an ugly thing to hold inside yourself. but i can’t help it. because i’m not in any better a place than i was years ago when i first found solace within your blog. in some ways i’m doing worse. (1/?)

because now i’m old enough that i should be able to shape my life for the better. i should be able to go out into the world. but i can’t because making my life better would entail getting the hell out of the place i’m in, the toxic conservative transphobic SCARY small town i’m in, the hell out of the whole state. and who can afford that on their own? i don’t have any close friends. i’m not important enough for people to do more than interact with me on twitter once a month. nobody would pick me over their best friends to room with, nobody even picks me to send a fucking text now and then. my life just feels so hopeless and isolated and powerless. how am i supposed to start hormones when i don’t even feel physically safe enough to come out to people here? how am i supposed to live alone in a world where rent everywhere is a thousand fucking dollars? when i already have to pay rent to my mother at 18? how am i supposed to be happy when everything about my life makes me miserable and alone? i’m so tired of watching everybody i know go out into life like it’s easy, bc they’re cishet and able to be comfortable in their name and in their skin, bc they have even ONE other person they can rely on, bc they live in/near cities that have more opportunities than a job as a mcdonalds cashier. i’m so tired. so tired. —thunderstorm anon (new anon name. storms are the only thing that give me power.)

so first of all, you’re allowed to feel jealous and angry and upset. i feel like the whole “don’t be jealous” thing is in part to curb child pettiness, but also to enforce systematic oppression. because here’s the thing. nothing you just said has anything to do with you. seriously. and frankly, that fucking sucks.

honestly, like if you’re 18, you’re not old enough to shape your life on your own. this is a pretty solid lie that american capitalism tells to divide classes. in most cultures, it’s normal to live at home well past this. i don’t say this to push you down, but to affirm that nothing you feel is your fault. you have agency, but not the most agency you will have in your life. you have not yet peaked.

is there one place where you can be your whole ass delightfully queer self? sometimes for me, this is simply my bedroom. think small ways to express your queerness, however that makes you feel comfortable. how can you manage your body hair to reflect who you are? try cutting your own hair. messing with your outfits. watch all the queer media you can get your hands on. music. youtube. netflix. hulu. movies. books. there is a whole queer world out there waiting to love on you.

third, i’d like to say you’re not alone. i know this fact will not matter much, and that is okay. seriously. it’s okay. i’d take these updates to this blog with a whole ass bag of salt, bc I, for one, know I am struuuggling, even if I don’t detail it. if there’s one thing ive learned over the past 4 years, it’s that in real life, if i am in a room with ten people, at least 7 of us are or should be on antidepressants/anti anxiety meds. 6 are in some way queer. it’s legitimately shocking. this is definitely true online as well.

i’m thinking of doing a mixer on twitter, to try to help people link up with others. i did this a long time ago, making groupchats, and some of them worked really well. would love to include you in this. hopefully find some lgbtq folks.

today will not last forever, even though it feels like it, day by day. you will get older. you will find freedom. you will take risks. you will hurt, but you will also be loved. i promise you this.

finally, i’d love to know your pronouns to affirm you a little.

#there's a couple fb groups id get you added to as well to give you a space to talk to other and sometimes older lgbtq folks #lgbtq #anon #mine #stayherewitus on twitter

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thesffcorner · 5 years

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We Are the Ants

We Are the Ants is YA contemporary sci-fi novel written by Shaun David Hutchinson. It follows Henry, a high school student who gets abducted by aliens. The aliens pose Henry with a problem: the whole world is going to end on January 29th, 2016, and he’s the only one that can stop it; he just has to push a button. I’m slowly working my way through the really popular queer authors in YA, and Shaun David Hutchinson had been on my list for a while. I had been avoiding reading his books because I knew they dealt with heavy topics and a lot of abuse, and boy was I right about that. This is one of the most glib and sad books I’ve read in a while, and though that is mitigated by lot’s of humor and a hopeful ending, if you are at all sensitive to topics such as suicide, assault, and bullying, I’d suggest you stay clear of this book. First thing I’ll say is that Hutchinson’s writing style, is an acquired taste. You really have to enjoy this type of sardonic humor in order to get through this book, because especially for the first 100 pages, it’s relentless. We get the story in the form of Henry’s diary, and Henry is a very difficult character to like. He’s mean, he’s locked in a loop of self-loathing, depression, and hatred, and his entire outlook on life is justifiably bleak. As such, so is his humor; he spends a good chunk of the book calling his brother’s unborn child a ‘parasite’, and a lot of his internal monologue is the definition of the ‘too edgy for you’ variety. To give you an example: ”Turn on the news; read some blogs. The world is a shithole, and I have to consider whether it might be better to wipe the slate clean, and give the civilization that evolves from the ashes of our bones a chance to get it right” pg. 18 Personally, I was hooked. A few books have taken me back to what it felt like being a teenager so effectively, and this brought me straight back to the dark days, the endless drudge of school, confusion, hopelessness, feeling small and isolated, and like saying the world is shit and humans are idiots was the smartest thing anyone had ever said. Like Henry I too spent a lot of time pontificating on the futility of life and the universe, on being alone or dying, on the meaninglessness of existence. I did it for very different reasons that Henry, but the memory and effect were still the same. The fact of life is, when you’re a teenager you feel like you have all the answers, and all the adults are just too stupid or too ‘bought’ to see what is obvious to you, and this book really captured that feeling. The plot was not what I thought it would be, considering the premise. The book does revolve around the aliens and the end of the world, but it’s not an active part of the plot. Most of it comes down to Henry thinking about pressing the button, coming up with increasingly insane doomsday scenarios, and asking the characters around him if they’d push the the button if they were him. I found the various answers interesting, mostly in how they were all really unconvincing. I think that’s an intentional choice by Hutchinson, because really when you are in such a state as Henry is, what would be a convincing answer? Maybe you could make the most reasoned, researched argument, but at the end of the day, if you feel like you have nothing to wake up for, nothing will sound convincing. The alien are in reality are just a speculative element that Hutchinson uses as a way to externalize Henry’s internal conflict and mental state. Henry is dealing with a lot throughout the book; he’s dealing with the devastating suicide of someone close to him, with his father leaving him, his bad family situation, and the constant and relentless bullying at school and at home. The sluggers have a lot to do with that, and the abductions seem to be happening to Henry whenever he feels like he’s at an impasse or in a situation in which he needs to make a difficult choice. The main focus is dealing with loss, grief and depression, all of which I thought were presented extremely well, and believable. People deal with loss in different ways, and when it comes to suicide, especially the kind where the person leaves behind no explanation, no note, no last words, it’s almost impossible to conceive of a future where that specter wouldn’t haunt you for the rest of your life. Henry, his friend Audrey, and the person’s mother all blame themselves for the suicide, and the book in a way agrees with them; it was everyone’s fault and no one’s and the lack of concrete blame is infuriating and insurmountable. Henry especially tends to blame himself for pushing people away, and he feels like he wasn’t enough to keep the person alive. He’s obsessed with finding out why they’d done it; for someone who spends paragraphs talking about how nothing happens for a reason, how patterns are just in the human mind, and how life is meaningless and nothing matters, he is determined to find the reason behind the suicide, ignoring everyone who keeps telling him that the reason won’t bring the person back. It’s easy to see why Henry would blame himself; he’s someone who’s been dealt a really bad hand in life. I too was pretty badly bullied, especially in middle school, but it was nothing compared to what Henry goes through. Some of the scenes were so unsettling and so brutal I genuinely was sick reading them. What the characters in this book do to Henry goes beyond mere bullying and crosses into criminal assault, and I was glad that the adults and the police got involved, even if ultimately they were useless. It was at least a little comforting to know that though Henry felt like he was alone, there were people there for him, even if he didn’t see it. However, while I was glad the adults were present in the book, I don’t think they handled the situation appropriately. For example, Henry’s brother Charlie says and does some awful things to Henry, and there wasn’t ever a point where he’s called out on what he’s done, or a moment where he’s faced with the consequences of what he’s been doing to Henry for his entire life. It’s clear that Charlie loves Henry, but the way he treats him is not healthy or right, and he should have been held accountable, especially for the part where he blames Henry’s assault on Henry. The bullies too, don’t quite get what they deserved. Though it’s in a way realistic that they’d get away with things, the fact that Henry so easily forgives, especially one of them really didn’t sit right with me. Sure, there are always reasons for why people act the way they do, but what that character does to Henry is unforgivable, and goes way beyond simple growing disagreements. I’m not sure the message of forget about the people who made your life a living hell for years is necessarily the best one. The only other thing that annoyed me in the book, was how perfect the ending was. I think, especially considering how sharp and unflinching the story had been up until that point having the romance work out, and having no consequences come to Diego after what he does was a bit unrealistic. I am grateful that this book had a hopeful ending, but I just think it was too easy. Let’s talk about the characters. Everyone in this book felt and read like a fully realized person, and I loved that. We don’t have many characters, but the ones we do, especially Henry’s family were well developed. I loved how close Henry was to his Nana, and she was probably my favorite character. She has dementia, but she’s never used as a ‘burden’ or obstacle for the other characters; she’s a fully fleshed out person, and the surprise Henry throws her was so touching, it made me tear up. Audrey was a welcome presence in the story, and I liked her a lot, though she does suffer a bit from only girl who is Henry’s peer in the book. I liked that she had a lot of personal struggles, outside of Henry, but I found that they weren’t handled very well. She has a lot of backstory, but none of it plays a part in her relationship with Henry once they make up, and I found that she was unrealistically patient and wise for a teenager. I can absolutely say the same thing for Diego; there were many scenes where I was shocked to see him act so maturely around Henry, which just isn’s something I think teenagers would do. I’m also not gonna lie; Diego reminded me too much of Andrew from All For the Game. Not only do they have very similar backstories, his relationship with Henry was pretty reflective of that between Neil and Andrew. I thought he was fine as a character, but he did suffer a bit from manic pixie dream love interest. Finally we have Henry. I both loved and loathed Henry. He was one of the best written characters I’ve read from, which also entails all his flaws. He reminded me a bit of Mila from Undead Girl Gang; he’s confrontational and mean to everyone around him, in an attempt to deal with and hide the pain he’s still processing. The bullying that Henry endures in this book was beyond something I thought people experience, but I absolutely believed it would happen. It was both weird and nice that at least it didn’t revolve around his sexuality, not that what it does revolve around is any better. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to lose someone the way he has, and I though the dull, ever present grief he feels fully through every page of the book. It’s not about saving the world really; it’s about Henry finding the strength to save himself from his own depression, and I really, really appreciated that Hutchinson has Henry get on medication and go to a hospital. The state he’s in isn’t anything he can handle himself, and I’m really glad that he was allowed to seek out help. Overall, I really loved this book. It’s a difficult read, in spite of the sardonic tone and humor. If you think you can handle the subject matter I think you should give it a read; I can definitely see why people love it so much, even though it isn’t perfect.

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#we are the ants #we are the ants review #moni talks #book review

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richincolor · 7 years

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We're happy to welcome Adam Garnet Jones to Rich in Color today. Fire Song is out in the world now and he answered a few questions about the novel, the film, and his writing.

Fire Song Synopsis: Shane is still reeling from the suicide of his kid sister, Destiny. How could he have missed the fact that she was so sad? He tries to share his grief with his girlfriend, Tara, but she’s too concerned with her own needs to offer him much comfort. What he really wants is to be able to turn to the one person on the rez whom he loves—his friend, David.

Things go from bad to worse as Shane’s dream of going to university is shattered and his grieving mother withdraws from the world. Worst of all, he and David have to hide their relationship from everyone. Shane feels that his only chance of a better life is moving to Toronto, but David refuses to join him. When yet another tragedy strikes, the two boys have to make difficult choices about their future together.

With deep insight into the life of Indigenous people on the reserve, this book masterfully portrays how a community looks to the past for guidance and comfort while fearing a future of poverty and shame. Shane’s rocky road to finding himself takes many twists and turns, but while his path doesn’t always offer easy answers, it does leave the reader optimistic about his fate.

Crystal's Review

How did Fire Song come into being?

I started writing Fire Song as a feature film. I was looking for a story that was rooted in my own seminal experiences with isolation, suicide, and depression, but I also wanted to talk about the epidemic of suicide in Indigenous communities. I heard so many non-Indigenous people asking why, as though Indigenous youth suicide was an impossible riddle. The reasons why our young people are in so much pain could not be more clear to me. It's difficult for me to imagine anyone who is paying the remotest attention to Indigenous people in Canada being confused by why our young people are taking their lives. I wanted to write a story that could touch on the multitude of intersecting systemic issues at play in Indigenous communities - issues that make some communities particularly vulnerable to the spiritual hopelessness that we call suicidality.

Readers often wonder how much of the author's own story is on the page. Can you share a bit about some of the similarities between you and Shane?

Shane's story isn't my story, but he and I have some similarities. Shane grew up in a community where there is a war between Christians and traditionalists. I grew up in a lot of different places, but I've never had a real community except the ones that have welcomed me in; I've always been a guest. I've always been an outsider;Shane has always been home. We're both Queer and Indigenous. Neither of us are comfortable with labels. I'm Cree/Metis and Shane is Anishinaabe. Shane found love when he was very young, but I never did. He and I are both bookworms and high-achievers - the kind of kids that teachers liked. We both stayed with people we didn't love for too long because we were afraid of hurting them. We're both hungry to see everything the world has to offer, but we crave community and connection most of all. We have both wanted to die over and over throughout the course of our young lives. It's easier for us to see a path to the spirit world than it is to see our path to the future.

If you could step back in time, what would you tell your younger self?

So many things: Stop running and try to enjoy the climb. Go to therapy. Now. You are someone worth taking care of. No affirmation from the outside world will ever touch the sadness inside, so stop looking for others to give you permission to live. Try to love yourself. Try and fail. Never stop trying.

For Tara, writing is an essential part of her life. She seems to find her voice through poetry. "But I keep thinking that a really good one--the right magic combination of words--might save your life." Do you believe the same? Have any poems or specific pieces of writing had a big impact in your life?

Reading has been incredibly important to me. Certain books have come along at different points in my life and changed me, not because they were about anything close to my own experience, but because the aching humanity, the search for connection, and the fight for survival at the core of great writing has a clearer resolution and meaning than the yearnings and tragedies of my own life. Hard things in books are always beautiful, and packed with lessons about how to live. Hard things in my own life leave me dizzy and confused. The act of reading (and writing) brings clarity to that experience. I remember once, after moving in with a boyfriend, being hit by a wave of serious depression. I wanted to die (for good reason, for no reason) as I had many times before. I went out to walk alone and I wrote down a conversation between myself and my depression in a little notebook. Through writing that conversation, I realized that the sadness would always be with me, no matter what happened in my life. It was a kind of companion that I had to learn to live with. I'll always remember that night, because the writing allowed by to separate that sadness from my own identity. I came to a kind of peace with my depression as with a sibling that I've fought with my whole life. If I hadn't been able to work through that on the page, I would have tempted that darkness by putting my body in danger.

Creating a film and writing a novel are both storytelling, but what were some of the distinct challenges of each?

One of the most difficult things about making a film is trying to maintain your vision for the story while under the pressure of time and budget, and while a hundred other artists are making thousands of tiny alterations to the image you have in your head. The inverse problem with writing the novel is that it is just you and the page. No other voices. No one to tell you when you're doing well or when you're lost.

Do you see yourself writing more novels in the future or will you keep your focus on film?

I would love to write more novels. I have a couple of other books in mind, but it's difficult to know exactly how to begin.

Who are the storytellers who have been inspirational in your life?

So many! James Baldwin, Eden Robinson, Toni Morrison, Richard Van Camp, Louise Erdrich, Salman Rushdie, Jennifer Egan, John Steinbeck, Tommy Pico, Zora Neale Hurston, Louise Halfe, Larry Kramer, Toy Kushner, Thomas King, Edward Albee...

Thanks for your time and for sharing so much with us!

#fire song #Adam Garnet Jones

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