#i think it was my fault tho cause i may have forgotten to post it on beta

[skgway]

1823 Aug., Fri. 29

6

10 55/60

Very comfortable bed, and slept well till 5 20/60, at which time it was raining heavily downstairs and in the stable at 7 1/4 everything ready, but it rained so much (began at 3 1/2 they said and was incessant till after 9) I determined to stay breakfast, and set off at 9 or 10 – 

Took upMog’s edition of Patterson’s roads published London 1822. Saw Shibden hall inserted according to the letter I wrote mentioning its situation – Then took up volume 1 Miss Benger’s life of Mary Queen of Scots and read the first 50 pages. 

Sat down to breakfast (boiled milk and hot rolls) at 8 1/2 – It just then occurred to me that the last time I was in this room (the ground floor parlour on the left entering the Bridgewater) was with M– [Mariana] on the night of the 9th of March 1816. 

A host of reflections crowded on me – I felt the tear starting and my heart grow sick. ‘How foolish,’ said I, then sank into the thought that my knowing her had perhaps been the ruin of my health and happiness. She has not the heart to suit me. Perhaps I should not be happy with [her], yet almost foolish, [w/c]ould not be so without. I had almost said, ‘Oh, that I had not a heart,’ but God be merciful to me a sinner, and enable me to fix it. Here alone true joys are to be found. 

How very little π [Mariana] guesses what passes within me. I do not blame her. Heaven has not given her that sweet sensibilit soul of the soul after which my spirit panteth, likes the hart after the water brook and than which nothing less can satisfy a romantic and the enthusiastic mind like mine. To π [Mariana], if I shewed myself more openly I should be an enigma. She could not understand. We have not much fellowship in feeling, yet am I attached to her. Alas, I see more and more plainly, too deeply for my own happiness. 

Were I to tell her the effect of this three step business, she could not comprehend it. She would think it perhaps unforgivingness of temper rather than that wound at heart which festers unseen. It has taught me that tho she loves me, it is without that beautiful romance of sentiment that all my soul desires. But mine are not affections to be returned in this world. Oh that I could turn them with virtuous enthusiasm to that being who gave them. 

O Mary, Mary! You have enticed me with the glimpse of happiness and my heart has pursued the ignis fatuus till retreat is impossible or vain – But no more –

Left Manchester at 9 25/60 (the roads very heavy with the rain) and stopt at the Wellington Inn, Rochdale, at 11 35/60 – Fair the 1st 7 miles but rained the last 4 (of the 11 Manchester to Rochdale) – Went into the stable for a minute or 2, then sat down and mused and wrote all the above of today which took me till 12 3/4 (Shibden). Took a little nap – Had ordered George to let us be off in 2 hours but he was out, and 25 minutes beyond his time, and we were not off till 2 –

From 2 55/60 to 3 1/2 walked, and made George lead Caradoc, from the mound and while rails across the valley (perhaps 1/2 mile on this side of Littlebro’) to the Inn at the top of Blackstone edge – Stopt there 5 minutes and gave Caradoc some oatmeal and water – Then pursued our journey, and got home in 3 3/4 hours at 5 3/4, i.e. just before it struck 6 by the kitchen clock –

It rained pretty smartly all the time we were at Rochdale till about the last 1/2 hour when it cleared up and we had no rain afterwards – A fine evening too – My father and Marian called after tea and staid about an hour –

Told my uncle and aunt Mr. Simmons thought he could cure me, but could answer for it better if I was in Manchester under his own eye for 2 or 3 weeks – My aunt wanted me to give up going to Scarbro’ and York, and go to Manchester immediately – This I, of course, decline, saying I may perhaps be able to do without going to M– [Mariana] at all –

Barometer at changeable or rather above Fahrenheit 57º at 9 p.m. at which hour came up to bed – Put by my things etc. and wrote the last 9 lines of today – 4 letters waited my arrival –

Nothing can be better done than the new road from Littlebro’ to the top of Blackstone edge – From the very foot of the hill to about 100 yards from the Inn at the top are 15 white-painted black-capped stone posts as guides, I suppose, when the road is covered with snow – They were 149 strides apart (supposing them to be as as they look, at equal distances) perhaps these 149 strides might be about 100 yards or not much more –

It was at the 14th stone that I met M– [Mariana] last Tuesday week – This struck me forcibly – I had been thinking of the thing before – Indeed not a day scarcely an hour has passed since it happened, without its occuring to me in 1 shape or other – Oh! that I could forget it altogether – But I know and feel this cannot be – My memory is too obstinate for me –

3 of the letters came yesterday from M– [Mariana] (York); from Miss Vallance (Sittingbourne) and from Radford the Tailor (“ 27 Piccadilly removed from 188 Fleet street London”) the other letter (from Radford acknowledging the receipt of the draft) came this morning –

M– [Mariana]’s letter (2 1/4 pages hurried) written the very day (Wednesday) my letter to her would get to Scarbro’, on which day she seems to have been setting off for that place, having waited to take her father and mother within the carriage Eliza and Lou on the box and the 2 little Whites and her and Watson her servants in a hack chaise – Mrs. B– [Belcombe] seized with Cholera morbus on Sunday “which alarmed us much for a few hours, but it soon subsided”.... “however she is quite well” – Dr. B– [Belcombe] 

“in very low spirits about himself and I really think there is much cause even now to feel alarmed about him – His mind seems to have suffered, and when there is anything to be done he seems quite bewildered” –

M – [Mariana] not quite so well as she was – The moorgame arrived safe on Sunday – Dr. B– [Belcombe] appeared pleased with the attention – M– [Mariana] was to have written on Tuesday “but Bell came over and nothing could be done” –

3 pages crossed and the ends from Miss V– [Vallance] I must write to her very soon – She says my last is dated 14 February –

“Does your remembrance of your confiding friend ever cross your mind? Has her fate ceased to interest? Is her form forgotten? Her faults and sorrows faded from from your heart?” …. 

I must write – She is still in a very bad state of health – Gives a high character of her brother William’s bride – vide the latter 1/2 the crossing of page 2 and the former 1/2 of page 1 vide page 2 

“Memory often carried me to Langton – and recalls our wandering to Birdsall, the wold etc. etc. ...... those steps so well remembered, so fondly recorded in my bosom”.... 

Flll [full] well i remember my style of conversations. Does she too? Is it not evident she will listen again and grant all I ask as before? – At page 3

 “I hope to see Langton at no very distant time and I hope most earnestly to see you there” –

Surely the crossing above referred intelli[gi]bly marks her preference towards me and might warrant my taking gently any liberties I chose. She says, or strongly insinuates, that she and I think and feel more in unison than I suppose. Surely this is no cold water on anything that has passed between us – I have always maintained a lady cannot love sufficiently a second time. It is respecting this she owns my opinion, “founded on a knowledge of human nature in general” but consider herself an exception –

Radford’s 1st letter is to acknowledge the receipt of my 1st…. 

“as our business is conducted solely on the principle of ready money we cannot send goods to strangers in the country without 1st receiving a remittance to amount of ordered goods” … 

Strangers is in the original, strange ladies in the country – Referred to their “order book” and found my measure etc. etc. I could not help laughing –

The 2nd letter a respectful acknowledgment of the draft – The coat to be sent by “the York coach that leaves the Golden and Saturday morning at six” that I am expected to have it early on Sunday morning –

vide line 23 the last page the weather, what kept me up so long etc. – E [two dots, treating venereal complaint] O [one dot, signifying little discharge] A lit[t]le not much –

[sideways in margin] Rochdale

[chaotic-noceur]

regarding pragma.

read it here

Dear @softpedropascal

wow this took so much longer than I thought it would whoops.

So, first off- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope you have the bestest day ever cuz you deserve it!

I’m incapable of forming coherent thoughts so um...here’s a cumulative post of my running commentary because my binge reading plans got disrupted so this seemed... neater? Idk. anyways, here you go. 

Part 1

No matter how many meetings and mediations you two went through, he still found a reason to keep dragging this out.

I read this as ‘meetings and meditations’ and was very confused for a sec 😂

That hat. You got him that hat. He still wore it?

omg u gave the hat a backstory. adkgadflhg 😍

He was tempted. God, was he tempted, but he shook his head and stood up straight. 

This just. Yes. We love a respectful man. 

I love all the little hints that you’re dropping about the reader and Frankie’s backstory. 

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Part 2

He told himself long ago that be would never forgive her for what she did,

WHAT DID I DO OMG.

“Can’t you, I dunno, sign for him?” he asked.

😂😂Frankie. Sweetheart. Who do you take me for? I can’t forge someone’s signature. I don’t have the skills for that. 

There was a reason he didn’t say goodbye. He was afraid to. He was afraid that if he said them again, he would have to go another five years without seeing her. Or has it been longer?

mY hEaRt

Pope and and Frankie’s ENTIRE interaction. 😍 I love that he can see right through Frankie’s bs, loves him anyways but will give it to him straight. 

He was too busy thinking about how if he had gotten his shit together, he could be living here with her, taking walks to his favorite lake every day.

asdfgadfkglhdf!!! Boo it ain’t all your fault 😢 (or is it 😏)

It’s funny how the simplest touch can cause the most complex feelings—feelings that he had sworn he buried deep inside of him somewhere. It was a complicated thing trying to be angry at her because in that moment all was forgotten and forgiven.

the DEPTH. in these sentences. oml. I’m so ready to learn about this complicated backstory.  

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Part 3

“I can make him sign ‘em,” he offered.

YES. I love a low key threatening boi.

“Yeah, until you decided I wasn’t good enough,” 

“Did you want to show me what I could have had with you if I wasn’t such a fuck up.” He sighed and put his hands on his hips.

AFGHSKF OMG MY HEART.

“I’m trailing water and mud all over the place but just remember that I saved your life before getting mad, okay?” 

“Nothing. Just like saying your name.”

ahhhh these are precious!!  

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Part 4

“Yeah. People do that right? Day dates?” He honestly wasn’t sure. Dates weren’t his forte.

🥺 someone help him. He’s so cute omg. 

“We might’ve made out a little too,” he mumbled.

aksfhksdfg look at him turning into a flustered boy!!!

“No. I just…stopped looking up,”

Babes. Idk if the double meaning was intentional but like. Wow. That hit hard. 

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Part 5

and has a name like ‘Bill’ or ‘Tom’.”

oop. We love a subtle Redfly dig 😂

!!!! IDK WHAT TO BLOCKQUOTE BUT OMG FRANKIE BEING PROTECTIVE. THE READERS BACKSTORY. FRANKIE KISSING AT THE PAST BRUISES. ANGRY FRANKIE OMG. 😭

I’m sorry there’s probably some more amazing stuff after that but t’was not a good ace day so i skipped the smut

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Part 6

You hid your body from him at first and when he moved your hands, you covered your face. Then he told you to never hide from him—he would always think you were beautiful

🥺🥺 this is so soft omg

sorry skipped the smut but im sure it was beautiful

“I’m not going anywhere.” You moved his arms so you could kneel in front of him. “I’m staying.”

*incoherent screaming*

“You can ask me for anything. I would give up everything I for you.”

The whole ending scene was AMAZING okay but this. This line right here. Big hurt omg. He knows the weight of what he’s saying. He knows how hard the road to recovery is and how many things are gonna try push him off that path. But he says it anyways. And it really really shows just how much she means to him. Brava! 

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Part 7

lmao I really need to start reading the warnings 😂

She was never going to be sad longer than necessary if he had anything to do about it.

WHERE CAN I GET A FRANKIE OML 😭

“That no matter where we were, when we look up, we’re looking at the same moon.” He looked at her though she was still looking up. “That always kept me going, you know?”

THE SOFT. AHHHHHH

The moonlight seemed to shine directly on her and make her glow like some ethereal being. She was an angel. She had to be. The stars twinkled above them but he had his own right here right now.

eXcUsE mE. wHo gAvE yOu tHe rIgHt tO wRiTe sOmEtHIng tHiS bEAuTiFul

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Part 8

“Stop ruining my romantic moment, please.

HAHAHAH I LOVE!

I can’t even- Omg. This whole chapter. I have no words

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Part 9

“I can’t,” he said, voice broken. “Please just let me…let me hold you. Let me…”

IDK THE FULL CONTEXT TO THIS (really hating my ace-ness rn cuz this last line is so heartfelt) BUT OMG BROKEN FRANKIE I JUST. ARGHHH

you realized that you were embracing your entire world right then and there. Letting it go would be the hardest thing you’d ever do.

take my heart and crush it why don’t you omg. 😭😍

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Part 10

She was hurt again. And it was his fault again.

I can’t do it. I can’t be alone anymore.

asdfghjk GURL. WHO HURT YOU OMG. LEMME HURT THEM BACK. 

His world spun and he felt like he was falling. He fell and fell into the abyss with no one there to save him as the bag felt like it was burning a hole in his hand. Is it hot? He felt hot. Burning up. Had he finally died and gone to hell? God knows that’s where he belonged.

No. It’s just an overwhelming darkness. Nothing. And that’s what he wanted, right? To feel nothing.

*VERY INCOHERENT SCREAMING* This is beautiful writing omg. The raw emotion in this. Holy hell. 

oml. That transition from pure pain and angst into love just *chefs kiss*. Frankie deserves so much 😭

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Part 11

“It wasn’t supposed to make you cry,”

wHat eLsE wAs iT sUpPoSeD tO dO omg. 

This whole chapter was SO CUTE!!! The way that Frankie just knows things about her. UGH. 

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Part 12

“What if it’s big and pulls me in?!”

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY OMG

“I don’t wanna die,” he whispered.

His life felt as though it was falling apart all over again and he realized it was because she was the one that held him together and now that he was leaving, everything was one big mess again.

*inaudible screaming*

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Part 13

That ending tho! I love that you gave them their own little thing with the moon. Its so sweet 🥰and the Pope-Frankie friendship moments. *melts*

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Part 14

okay i was gonna blockquote but there was too much to quote This whole chapter felt so raw omg. If you’re pulling from real experience then I’m so sorry you ever had to go through that *pulls you into the biggest hug ever* (assuming you like hugs, if you don’t... i send you an affectionate ‘rubbing my forehead into your shoulder’)

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Part 15

“You could’ve walked in here with your head shaved and I’d still love it…but…please don’t.”

😂 yessss give me the humour in this sad

still haven’t learnt to read the warnings oml 🤦🏻‍♀️

ahhhh the soft reassuring Frankie content!!!!

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Part 16

“Probably because it’s Wednesday,” he said.

“It is?” you asked.

“Yeah. What day did you think it was?”

I FEEL SO ATTACKED OMG. What even is time anymore.

asfadsdfgdhk Its so SOFFTTT. Is this what it’s like to fall in love??😭

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Part 17

hallelujah i’ve finally learnt to read the warnings

ngaww Frankie being all excited and soft 🥺🥺 are they going camping?? are we gonna get Frankie in his element??

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Part 18

I’m as flat as a board back there.

I feel attacked and this wasn’t even directed at me oml 😂😂

tHeY aRe sO iN lOvE oMg 😍

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Part 19

I get it, it’s embarrassing, but I’m not judging you for it.

YES. In this house, we don’t judge people who are struggling to find jobs!

“I wouldn’t say them if you didn’t deserve them. You deserve good things, Frankie. You may not feel like you do but you do. Always.”

He sighed and rubbed your back. “If you say it then it must be true.”

*incoherent screaming* we all deserve good things okay 😭

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Part 20

thank you for the warnings that i’ve finally learnt to read before reading the fic

What if I’m a lost cause? Just some pathetic druggie who can’t get his shit together…mooching off his girl.

NOOO You’re not just some pathetic druggie Frankie😭😭

“Sleepovers? Do I get to paint your nails? Do your hair?”

Our love has aged gracefully kinda like us.

THE SOFT OMG 🥺🥺

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Part 21

“With all due respect, sir, I’m not and have never been an addict. Yeah, I did drugs. Yes, I hurt your daughter and she had to leave, but you know what, we’re together now and nothing’s gonna change that. She’s forgiven me and she loves me and that’s all that matters.”

YAS. I love this change from nervous wreck to confidence! 

This is so happy and soft and sweet oml. My angsty soul doesn’t know how to deal. 😭

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Part 22

Sweet baby jesus. It was soft. And then it was not. And then it was soft again and I just. *incoherent screaming* GURL. 

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ludus

I’m gonna have a house right on the other side of the lake.

asdfgI I Have Feelings.

GURLLL. This was so innocent!! They’re both so young and cute and asgalsfjghsd. 

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eros

“Are you running away from something?” she asked, and he bristled. “From me because you love me and don’t know how to say it?”

*incoherent screaming* well shit. you go gurl! you call him on his crap!

I skimmed the smut but like Frankie being a nervous wreck is 🥺

If you wanna see someone else while I’m gone, you can.

*more screaming because OMG if only he knew what that would lead to*

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ania

O damn. I kinda loved his slow descend into darkness... The fact that the reader still clings on to hope and love and just, damn. I’m lost for words. 

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coda

... 

...

that’s all my brain feels right now. that was dark, but like. a good dark. It was heart wrenching but beautiful and- “I won’t be able to find you if I’m lost myself,” THIS. I just. *chefs kiss* but also, *ugly sobbing*. 

[avenger-hawk]

I am looking forward to your shisui x sasuke fic. I know they are gonna be great💕💕💕 happy writing hawk

Owww thank you♥

I feel so guilty now cause I still haven’t posted the last chapter of Victims of Peace and since it’s half ready I should work on it instead of writing stuff for another fandom, thinking about future works for this one or just imagining scenes but not writing them lol

Anyway, since you are so nice and I’m so late replying to this, let me tell elaborate a little on smth I wrote in my future writing list. I have 2 ideas for Shisasu fanfictions. 

One,temporarily called Those Who Remain, may or may not be connected to VOP as a possible what if, it’s inspired/represented by this edit I made.

It’s a non massacre AU set in the same universe as VOP, or a similar one, where Itachi was the future clan leader and Hokage, a prodigy admired and loved by everyone. Sasuke is the younger brother, good at everything, the best of his peers, but his father and clan don’t value him as he’s not like Itachi, and Shisui is the other prodigy. And Itachi’s lover (no Izumi in this one). 

Pain and Akatsuki attack Konoha, they manage to defeat them but Itachi dies protecting Sasuke, who is unconscious at that moment, and when he wakes up he finds out that his brother is gone forever. Fugaku is angry at him, cause it’s his fault that his favourite son died, and Mikoto can’t even look at him. He feels evereyone’s disapproval of him, as if Itachi died to protect a worthless person. Except for Shisui, even though he was the closest to Itachi. But since it’s an angsty and dark-ish AU more than a hurt/comfort, Shisui too has a negative moment with him, and things happen and Sasuke only focused on obeying his father even though he wants him to become a tool for the clan and do things he doesn’t like. Fugaku is a real ass*ole in this one, he appoints Shisui as his successor, not Sasuke. Shisui notices how he mistreats/orders Sasuke around and more things happen. Who knows if I’ll ever get to write this cause it might be long and dark, or if it will just stay in my head where I play/replay several moments of it, and let me tell you it’s really, really angsty. 

You know that story you have in your head and you play it in your head sometimes adding new parts or even branches and random fillers, sometimes going through certain ones in depth so it’s bigger and messier than an actual fic? This is one of mine lol

**

And I have a post ending AU in mind, no title yet, I also have an edit about it in my anime/manga manips folder but I haven’t done anything yet lol. Why am I so lazy and why am I writing stuff for another fandom so I’m even slower ugh...

Anyway, it’s set during Sasuke’s journey of redemption, so it’s Shinden Sasuke. He finds an abandoned Obito hideout where some self-chakra-whatever-powered tank with someone. He takes him outside keeping the tubes attached tho. It’s Shisui. It turns out that Obito had taken his body, as he wanted to make him his pupil and subordinate, like he had been Madara’s. But Shisui hadn’t accepted, he had rebelled every time, he had been impossible to manipulate and break so he had put him on suspended animation then everything canon had happened and he had been forgotten.

So this wary, rebellious, 'ignorant’ Shisui wakes up to a worn out, depressed, lonely Sasuke. 

**

Now I want to do and post that post ending Shisasu edit at least lol. Thank you so much Anon for being so nice!