#i think im gonna take a deep dive into my tumblr archives and find some of the words id uncovered in the very depths of me

[xerospaced]

So... maybe it's time to address the elephant in the room

My low self esteem.

My confidence was stripped away in every aspect and I have yet to regain it

Between my lack of productivity and nothing to show for myself

The requirements of others that I am so far from meeting

And my ma's consistent negative perception of me and energy toward me

I feel... completely worthless and devoid of value.

And ofc I tell myself otherwise and such.

And I do mantras and affirmations

And I look for the good in myself

But

I dunno

I cant see one shred of evidence to support the concept that I'm worth something

There is one exception. I'm useful.

I'm incredibly useful.

Call me and I'm there.

Make a request and I'll fulfil it.

Ask something of me. Even if I find it difficult. I'll see to it that it gets done.

For those I care about.

I am available. I am the person you turn to. I am the voice of reason. The source of sound advice. I am a positive energy. A calming presence. A bringer of peace. And the person who encourages you to honour yourself above all else.

I am very useful.

I am a tool.

Literally

But when it's just me. Not fulfilling some use just... existing

I'm taking up space.

A drain on resources.

A useless entity waiting to be put to use.

I don't see myself anymore.

I'm so familiar with depression and anxiety and self hate. And I've come so far from that.

I'd made it to joy and love and appreciation!

But so accustomed to the darkness that being in this space...

I didn't notice that it's actually... Not good.

I'd have the odd self criticising thought and then I would correct it and go about my day

And ive felt lacklustre. And I've had very little pride. And more and more I find myself wanting to avoid talking about me.

But im not depressed. And I don't hate myself and I AM correcting those thoughts. And my comments on myself do always end on a positive note.

A forced positive?

An empty one?

A shell of the thing I am telling myself. The thing I used to be but no longer am.

I do not feel good about myself.

And being that I'm not treating myself poorly. And that I'm am still approaching myself with kindness and patience. I've been ignorant to the fact that I don't feel good about myself. I don't see any significant good in myself.

By which I mean, yes, I see and acknowledge the good. But it's minimal. Its nothing compared to what I'm not. What I'm lacking. What I'm supposed to be. What I'm capable of.

I'm basically just a "nice" person. With some good words.

I have a kind heart sure sure

But what of it?

What makes me meaningful?

What am I really but a fleeting fancy? Enjoyment for the moment?

Because when I really look at me. When anyone looks at me. There's just not much to see.

I endured far more critical damage than I had realised

I've been impacted far more deeply than I'd considered up til now.

I knew I'd been wounded deeply but I thought I was in tact.

I'm not

I feel like a wound. Barely bandaged. Oozing. Never quite healing.

And completely unattended.