#i think if they collaborated a bit more rather than building the same thing in different places theyd find the

[relto]

clear pro of being surrounded by scientists is that nobody gives a fuck what you look like. i saw a guy walking around barefoot yesterday. i could probably go to work looking like i just fell out of bed and nobody would even look at me weird.

[lazuliquetzal]

I keep on telling people you're the only one who knows how to plot. Can you teach all of us how to plot, please? I love you.

I AM SUMMONED? PLOT BRAIN SUMMONED?

I love plotting. It's my favorite part of the writing process. Plot is "things that happen" and the best part of writing is imagining things that happen. I'm going to assume that whoever may be reading this knows how to imagine The Happenings, so I'm gonna be talking more about structure, but in like, a kinda abstract sense.

A good plot is a little bit more than a string of events. Plot is like music: there's variation in rhythm and sound and melody, but ultimately there's cohesion, because it's all one song. You can have a bunch of wild things happening, but no matter how strange, there should be something that links them all together, because you're telling one story.

Plot structures are patterns in stories. I'm pretty sure most of them were developed as analysis tools (as in, story already exists > look! it follows this pattern) rather than as writing tools, but people use them as writing tools because it's a neat little way to organize the chaos that is "shit happens." Stories follow patterns for the same reasons music follows patterns: we enjoy the certainty of hitting certain beats. But we also like being surprised. A good pop song doesn't sound like a random collection of sounds, but it also doesn't sound like the middle slider of other songs.

There is this shared concept in both music and writing: the idea of tension and release. Basically, you're playing with reader expectation: there's an imbalance in the experience (tension), and we want to see that imbalance resolved (release). All the common plot structures deal with this basic pattern:

You set an expectation

There are complications to the expectation

You meet the expectation

And this rhythm is happening on multiple levels in writing. Scenes follow this structure (we're gonna get past that door, we're gonna find the murder weapon, we're gonna collaborate and come up with a plan) and all those scenes feed into the overarching expectation (we're gonna solve this murder!). I usually think of chapters as their own mini-story, part of the larger whole. And I think of scenes as their own mini-story, part of the larger chapter. I have engineer brain. I see the gears spinning in the clock. That's why all my chapters have at least One Important Thing happening, because that's that particular chapter's Step #3.

And One Last Important Thing:

In music, a delayed resolution is almost always more interesting than the standard resolution. In writing, that means you wanna drag out Step #2 for as long as you can. That's where the bulk of the story is happening, that's how you build tension, that's how you get people to turn the page.

So when you write a fake dating fic, those bitches better not get together until the very end. I came here for fake dating, not for real dating, damn it. If you resolve that expectation early on, you better replace it with a different expectation that's just as engaging.

But also don't drag it out for too long. Sorry. The hard part of writing is learning the difference between too short and too long. Writing is unfortunately a nuanced skill which is why my advice is like "do this but not too much teehee." But tension and resolution is just rhythm, you can build a sense for it if you engage with enough stories.

[kiwiana-writes]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

A big ol' fuck you to @rmd-writes for the tag xoxo

1. How many works do you have an AO3? Lol. Lmao even. 289.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 914,620 on AO3, but that includes co-writes as well as things I've podficced where the fic and pod are in the same work. My actual personally-written wordcount, per my Batshit Spreadsheet, is 771,819.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Mostly RWRB these days, though most of my back catalogue is Schitt's Creek. Also The Pairing and various other things scattered about.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Kinda think that I might be his type aka Alex and Bea fake date coming in at the top spot, which will never not bewilder me. Don't get me wrong, it's a lovely fic!! But I am always surprised that it was a few hundred more kudos than:

With so much of my heart (that none is left to protest), the Much Ado actors AU. My magnum opus, my beloved.

We were supposed to find this - baby's first soulmate AU and my first RWRB fic. The brainrot really took hold with this one lmao.

All the Lonely Starbucks Lovers, in which Henry takes 'open mouth insert foot' to a whole new level.

Warm like the glow that you feel head to toe, the age gap fic with older Senator Alex and younger Prince Henry. This is probably the only one in my top five that really surprises me, considering age gaps are... divisive.

5. Do you respond to comments? Always always always.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I mean I did write that one MCD fic in Schitt's Creek, though I maintain the other five parts in that 5+1 are in fact angstier than the MCD ending.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Uhhhhhhh, the rest? The Doylist answer is any of my fics where the HEA is literally forever rather than 'till death do us part'; so, the Schitt's Creek afterlife AU and the RWRB zombie!Alex AU. (Is that all? Am I forgetting one?)

8. Do you get hate on fics? Yeah, sometimes. Weirdly, more through tumblr anons than on the fics themselves? A lot of them I just delete, sometimes I'll give them a bit of a public scolding etc. Frankly at this point if you come into my ask box to be a cunt on anon I'm going to assume you have a public humiliation kink and will indulge you accordingly.

9. Do you write smut? Who's to say.

10. Do you write crossovers? I'm more inclined towards a fusion than a crossover (love a good media fusion) but I did write a short RWRB/The Pairing crossover for VoiceTeam.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope. Someone did ask recently, so we'll see!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? HEAPS. @ships-to-sail is an ongoing collaborator, but I also did a bunch of "each write a chapter" type collabs in Schitt's Creek. Currently co-writing something truly fucking incredible with @indestructibleheart.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? IDK if it's a WIP by the strictest definition, but every day the likelihood of the SC kink!verse series being completed slips further away lol.

16. What are your writing strengths? Rae, you're the worst.

Smut, I guess? Giving people new kinks, apparently. Character voice. Also a very specific type of world-building where I explain nothing because the characters already live in that world and let y'all infer how it works, which came up a LOT on one of this year's Kinktober fics in particular and led to my spouse saying "okay so you're basically the Brennan Lee Mulligan of tree fucking", which is sure not a sentence I expected to ever be directed towards me, but here we are.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Anything original, apparently. Good thing I didn't quit my job to be a writer or anything OH WAIT.

(In all seriousness, though, I am genuinely shit at, like, plotting. And action sequences.)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? If it makes sense for the character, sure! I'm enlisting someone who speaks it for anything more complicated than, like, a pet name - I've seen what Google Translate tries to spit out for my second language and therefore don't trust it lmao.

19. First fandom you wrote for? terf queen mcgee's property.

20. Favourite fics you've written? The RWRB fic specifically based on the episode The Husbands of River Song from Doctor Who. Hands down the best thing I've ever written.

I also fucking LOVED the Much Ado actor AU. My love letter to Shakespeare and theatre and queer joy.

-

Tagging @blueeyedgrlwrites @cactusdragon517 @cricketnationrise @firenati0n @getmehighonmagic

@hgejfmw-hgejhsf @indestructibleheart @inexplicablymine @notspecialbabe @orchidscript

@piratefalls @sherryvalli @sparklepocalypse @stereopticons @whimsymanaged and, as always, anyone who wants to play! 

[gretavangroupie]

Vigilance (Chapter 22 Part 2)

Word count: 18.7k

Pairings: Jake x Reader, Sam x OC

Warnings: Alcohol, Cursing, Dramatic Themes. Angst Including: Talks of Infidelity, Toxic Themes, Stalking, Arguing, Yelling, Extreme Portrayal of Sadness, Crying, Abandonment, Heartbreak, Talks of Illness, Extreme Illness, Hospitalization, Talks of Death and Dying, Domestic Violence, Domestic Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Physical Violence. Talks of Pregnancy, Pregnancy Complications, Pregnancy Loss/Termination. Smut Including: Kissing, Touching, Fingering, Oral F!Receiving, Oral M!Receiving, Penetration, Rough Sex, Voyeurism. Fluff.

This story is a collaboration with my best pal @gretavanmoon.

SAM POV

“Is there a faster setting for these windshield wipers? Cause these things are shit.” You asked Elle as you pulled into the tiny neighborhood in Cape Cod, peering through the thick falling raindrops to see if any of the buildings looked like the one in the Air BnB photos. You’d flown into Boston and rented a car, the perfect small-town birthday getaway, all planned by your lovely Elle. 

“Oh, there it is, babe! That one on the corner. It says we can park on the street.” Elle said, pulling on the rain boots she’d ditched the minute you got in the car. 

You pulled the car up as closely as you could to the front door of the tiny old house, situated perfectly on a row of about ten others that looked just the same. “It’s so cute!” Elle muttered.

“I can’t even see it, it’s raining so hard!” You yelled over the loud drops pounding on the sunroof. “Let’s wait a second while it calms down before we take everything inside.” 

“Mmm…okay.” She complained. 

“So anxious to get inside, babe…?” You said, running your hand over the back of her head. 

“Maybe. Yes. I’ve just planned this so quickly in the last few days, thinking we were gonna be out on the road instead of getting to do something special. I just can’t believe we actually made it, is all.” She leaned back into your touch, calming her jittery and excited nerves. 

You offered her a smile. “I’m excited too, babe. I can’t believe we made it either, honestly. And thank you, for planning this. You’re the best.” You sighed, watching as the rain let up a bit. “We should be soundchecking right now.”

“I’m sorry, love. I know you’d rather be out there playing.” She relented. 

“No, no. Not rather. Not rather at all. It’s just you get yourself in this mindset to go and do something like that, it takes a long time to get yourself there. Then it just stops. But it’s okay, shit happens. Jake needs to heal more than anything. Top priority.” You said, giving her a little smile. 

“Yes. Top priority. He will be okay, babe. Just needs some time.” She said, clicking the toes of her boots together. “Ready to go in now?”

——

You’d spent the afternoon making yourselves at home in the little house, a quaint place right on the water. The air still had a wintery feeling, but it didn’t stop the place from slowing down. You’d decided to take a walk down into town once the rain turned to a drizzle, seeing what all you could find in your short stay. It was straight out of a Hallmark movie; Main Street still bustled with people and tourists even this time of year. 

You picked out a few spots you wanted to come back and visit, making mental note to remember them. Restaurants, record stores, gift shops…everything you needed in one little place. 

It had gotten fairly late, and after a tiny takeout dinner, you had retreated to the oversized couch to watch a movie as you both let the jet lag set in. 

“So tomorrow. Your birthday. You pick what we do, the whole day.” Elle said as the two of you cuddled up under a blanket when the movie was over.  

“The whole day?” You said, scratching your peach fuzz. 

“Yep. Morning into night.” 

You picked her legs up from the floor and brought them to rest in your lap, massaging her muscles. “Hmm, well I think we should start off taking a shower, and you can wash my hair with that smelly-good stuff you have…” you let your hand travel up her leg, fingers digging into her thigh. 

“Then we can walk down to that Bread & Roses place and get coffee…then spend the day just exploring, maybe go out on the boat and see the humpbacks…” your hand ghosted over the hem of her sweatpants, fingers slipping in just barely as she let her eyes bore into yours. 

“Mmmhm, then what?” She said. 

“Then we can come back and get ready for dinner, you can put on that sexy black dress I saw you put in your suitcase…” your hand snuck below her waistline now, hand grazing over her heat. She smirked hard. 

“You saw that, huh?” She asked, clicking her tongue. “That was supposed to be a surprise, Sammy.”

“It still will be, baby. You never cease to surprise me. So then we can go get some seafood, and drink too much wine…” you watched as she began to lose composure at your touch, as you slipped a digit between her folds. 

“Way too much wine…” she breathed, arching her back just a little. 

“Wayyy too much…” you agreed, allowing your hand to go to work as you maintained eye contact. 

“Then we can cuddle up right back here again, and do this again…and again and again…” you slipped your middle finger inside her as her legs fell open under the blanket, and her jaw fell slack. 

You sat still, half of you wanting to grab her and take her into the bedroom, the other half wanting to sit here and undo her, with her completely at your will. 

You watched as her hands stayed under the blanket, gripping your thigh underneath you. Her face was contorting into beautiful and blissed-out expressions as you worked, hooking your finger slowly deep inside her. “Again and again?” She panted. 

“Uh huh, as many times as you want…” you replied, moving your thumb to make tiny swirls on her sweet spot. 

“How’s that feel, baby? Feel good?” You asked her, voice low and gravely against the sound of the rain picking back up again. 

“Yeah, feels so good…”  she moaned a high pitched sound, letting you know she was enjoying herself. “But Sammy, it’s your birthday. You should be the one getting all the special treatment.”

“Eh, yeah maybe. But watching you like this…it’s it’s own special kind.” You began moving your pace a bit faster, adding another finger inside her. 

Her head tilted back as her hands gripped your leg harder, completely falling apart right here on your lap. She hummed and gasped for air, her knees opening and closing over and over. 

"Sammy, please…keep goi-"

 “We’ve got three whole days for you to treat me, baby. Right? You gonna do that for me later, too?” 

She nodded hard as her hips began to grind up into your hand. “Of course I will baby. Whatever you want. It’s all yours...” She brought her eyes to yours again, giving you a look that came straight from another world. God this woman…

You brought your face closer to hers, gritting your teeth. “You know what I want right now, Eleanor…go ahead and give it to me…” you growled in her ear. 

Seconds later she was coming undone at your words, riding out her high as you continued to move your hand in and out of her, mouthfuls of pitiful words falling from her lips. You swear you could never get enough of her like that, and you weren’t sure you would ever get tired of it. Even if you got nothing in return, just watching her fall apart at your mercy was enough. 

“Fuck Sam, that was…a welcome surprise.” She laughed, letting her arm fall over her eyes. “I like the idea of us just doing that kind of thing over and over and over again..” She sat up a bit, wrapping her arms around your neck. “What time is it?” 

You clicked your phone screen on the table. “11:49.” 

“Close enough.” She popped out from under the blanket, and dashed into the bedroom and then into the kitchen. You heard the refrigerator door open and close, and a few seconds later she was coming back into the room with a plate, with a lit candle sticking out of something on the top. 

“Happy birthday to Sammy, happy birthday toooooo Sammy…” she sang, a giant smile on her face as she held her hand in front of the flame while she walked. She set the plate down in front of you. “Make a wish, silly!” She beamed. 

You smiled hard at her, rubbing your hands together as you closed your eyes, making a scene out of making your wish. 

For the love of all that is holy, please let this discussion I’m about to have with Elle go smoothly, please don’t let her leave me, and please help her to know that she’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me…

You opened your eyes, and blew out the candle. She clapped her hands and took the candle out, bringing the plate up in front of your face. You could hardly make out what it was in the dim light of the room. 

“That smells amazing, what is that?” You asked. 

“My granny’s old recipe for homemade cinnamon rolls!” She answered, running her finger along the top of it, taking some icing and licking it off. 

“When did you make these?!” You asked. 

“When you were out running errands the other day. Here, try some…” she handed you a fork and you both dug in. 

“Holy shit, Elle. That’s the best fuckin thing I’ve ever eaten. Please marry me tomorrow.” You said with a full mouth. 

She blushed hard. “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!” She laughed, sitting back onto the couch and covering herself with the blanket. You placed the plate back on the table, and laid back with her. 

You were trying your damnedest to find the right time to talk to her, tell her what you’d done. You knew it wasn’t going to be pretty, and you absolutely expected the worst. You deserved anything she threw your way, and you’d prepared yourself for her to pack her things and leave when you got back home.

But for right now, her yawns were becoming more and more frequent. And you decided it could wait until tomorrow. For now, you’d let yourself enjoy the peace of her presence, just for a little while longer. 

“Happy birthday, Sammy.” She said as she gave you the sweetest look, adoration filling her to the brim. It hurt your heart, to know that tomorrow you’d probably be breaking hers. 

——

The next morning you and Elle walked hand in hand along the beach, picking up shells as you sipped your coffees. It was chilly and breezy, and the beach wasn’t too crowded just yet. There was more rain in the forecast though, calling for heavy showers and colder temperatures all night. 

“Oh my god babe, look!” You suddenly called out, picking a shell up from the sand and bringing it over to her. “It’s abalone! This is my favorite shell!”

You both examined it, cleaning off the bits of sand to let the iridescent rainbow colors shine through. 

“Guidance.” Elle said. 

“What?” 

“These symbolize guidance, within like, relationships and love.” She went on, giving you a tiny sweet smile. “Are you looking for guidance with something, Sammy?”

Uh, fuck. Yeah, kinda. Wow. 

You shrugged, gulping down a hard swallow. “Guess it’s always cool to have a little extra help from the…ocean, hah.”

Elle giggled. “So how does 23 feel?” She asked, pushing her heavy waves behind her ear. The oversized sweater she had on was draping over her shoulder, sitting perfectly on her tiny frame. 

“Feels like 22 but cooler.” You answered, kicking through the icy water, sticking the abalone in your pocket. “How is 24?”

“It’s the best year I’ve had yet.” She smiled, always being the glass half-full type of person. 

“It has been a good year, hasn’t it?” You answered. “Except for, well, our most recent bummer. Hopefully this doesn’t set the pace for the rest of tour…”

“I hope not.” Elle went on. “You wanna walk down to the pier and get a sandwich or something?” 

The two of you made your way to get lunch, stopping at little gift shops along the way. You’d ended up underneath the pier after you ate, the air slowly getting cooler as a drizzle blew in. Elle was standing next to one of the pier beams, looking at all the clusters of barnacles stuck to the sides. 

“Elle sells sea shellllls…” you sang as you approached her. “Ew, that’s gross. What are all these things?” You asked, flicking away at some of the crusty old growths. 

“Don’t take them off! They’ll die if you remove them!” Elle swatted your hand away. 

“Shit, my bad.” You hopped back, hands up in surrender. 

“Look, babe…” she pulled her arm in front of her, gently grabbing a tiny shell from the cluster. “Ammonite…” she said, bringing it close to her face. 

“Well great, now it’s gonna die!” You complained. 

“No, this isn’t a barnacle, dummy. It’s an ammonite shell. Do you know how rare these are? And look, it’s opalized…” She said quietly, the wind blowing her hair in front of her face. 

“No, I don’t guess… how do you know all this stuff?” You inquired, truly impressed that she did. “You didn’t even grow up near the ocean…”

“I know a lot of cool things, Sammy.” She said blankly, still closely inspecting the perfect spiral shell, in pure awe that she found it. 

“Why don’t you keep it? I can make you a necklace or something out of it.” You suggested. 

“Really? Can you?” She said, finally smiling. 

“Sure. Couldn’t be too hard. Little dremel action. I’ll figure it out.” You promised her. You knew you’d give her anything in the world if it meant she’d give you that sweet smile again. 

“I’ll wear it every single day. Never take it off.” She said, slipping it in her coat pocket for safe keeping. 

“And what does the mighty ammonite shell symbolize, oh Wise Knower of All Things Ocean?” You teased. 

She rolled her eyes and laughed again. “Change. Just, change.”

——

The rain was falling heavier now, as you and Elle munched on your seafood takeout, opting to stay in with your dinner and wine instead of going out. She’d set the table nicely, lit candles and transferred all the food from the to-go boxes onto nice plates. You cracked a few windows, letting the smell of the rain mixed with the ocean air blow in slightly through the house. You were nearing the bottom of your first bottle of Chardonnay, fully intending on starting the second bottle the minute it was empty. 

“Babe, you didn’t have to put the sexy black dress on, I was just kidding.” You joked. 

She scoffed. “Of course I did, it’s your birthday. Gotta wine you, dine you, and give you a show. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t?” 

You giggled. “I’m also glad you got oysters. You know what they say abou-”

“Sam. We all know. You say it every single time we eat oysters…” she rolled her eyes as she sipped her wine. 

“What? No I don’t, it’s true though…” you defended yourself. 

“I know it is.” She sighed. “That’s why I ordered them.” 

“That’s my girl…” you gave her a flirty and devilish laugh. “You’re already killing me in that dress, it’s…truly something. Hope these oysters work their fuckin’ magic…” you said. 

She stood from the table, swishing her hips from side to side, knowing she was giving you a show. “All finished, Samuel?” She asked in a sultry voice  as she leaned down low, putting her boobs in your face as she took your plate. 

“Yes…all done…” you were quickly falling into her trap, getting more turned on with every passing second just by watching her.

“I’ll do the dishes later, we’ve got other things to attend to, hm?” She said, walking back over and straddling you in the chair. She brushed your hair back, hands wrapped around your face as she took you in. Finally she connected her lips to yours, brushing her wine-soaked tongue into your mouth. Her hands wrapped around your head and your neck as she started kissing you harder, giving you immediate indication of exactly what she wanted. God, you were already so turned on, but, you were also bursting at the seams to tell her. You had to talk to her, right now.

You pulled away quickly. “Stop. Elle, stop.”

“What, babe? What’s wrong?” She said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. 

You began to stand the two of you up, hand in hand, walking to the couch to grab the blanket and lead her into the sunroom. The wall was nothing but big windows, a perfect view of the now stormy waves blowing up onto the beach. There was another giant couch in here, plush and white and covered with pillows. You sat down, motioning for her to join you. 

She sat, and you threw the big blanket across you again. “What is it, Sam? You’re scaring me. Is something wrong?”

“No. Well, yes. Yeah, actually.” You took a breath as you took her hands under the blanket, preparing yourself for the storm that was about to hit. The guilt was eating you alive. 

“Elle, you know I love you more than anything, anything in the entire world, right?” You prefaced, looking her directly in the eyes. 

“Yeah, I know. God Sam, what? What is it?” She asked, anxiety setting in. 

“Just let me…” you huffed, running a hand over your face. “That night, in Vegas. I, uh. I did something really bad, Elle.” You felt a lump form in your throat, watching as her eyes filled with dread. 

“After Jake left, and you got sick and went to sleep, um. Y/N and I went to smoke, and…things kind of…”

“No, Sam. No…don’t…” she said, letting go of your hands. 

You stayed steadfast in your confession. “We hooked up, Elle. Behind your backs. I did it, and…I have no excuse at all. It just… happened. And we both had immediate, immediate regret. It was the most stupid decision I’ve ever made in my life, Elle. And I can never take it back. I will never forgive myself, ever. You don’t deserve that, you never did. And I put our relationship in jeopardy. After everything we built. And I’m so, so sorry baby.” You began to cry a little, seeing the look on her face. She stayed silent. 

“I’m so sorry. I should have told you immediately after it happened. But I’m stupid, I guess. I don’t expect you to forgive me. Hell, ever. But I just… wanted to tell you. I couldn’t lie to you any more.” You bit your lips together as the tears fell. You felt relief, but not the good kind. 

After a few seconds of hell, she finally spoke. “Does Jake know?”

You nodded. “Yeah, he knew the night it happened. I’m so sorry Elle. They both begged me to tell you, even threatened to do it themselves. But I made them promise me they wouldn’t. It had to come from me.”

"So you lied to me, all that time. All the times we had sex…you told me you loved me, you…” she shook her head, standing from the couch. “You lied to me, Sam. For a good while, why did you-"

“I’m so sorry Elle. Yes I did, I lied to you. And I…I don’t know why I did. I guess I just, everything with Jake happened so fast, and it was so scary, and I was in a weird headspace with that, and worrying about him. And then tour got postponed, I just– I should have told you. As soon as it happened. And I apologize for making that horrible decision. It was thoughtless, Elle. And you don’t deserve that. Neither does Jake.”

She shook her head, letting everything hit her as she sat back down on the other end of the couch. She wiped away a few stray tears. “I think I need a minute. Can you…”

“Yes. Whatever you need. Just, come back to me, soon. Please Elle. Please don’t leave.” You begged, walking slowly to her and holding out your hand. She didn’t grab it. She looked away, pulling a pillow from the stack and curling her body around it, looking out the windows as the rain pounded. 

Fuck. 

What now? 

You retreated back into the kitchen, blowing out the candles and closing the windows. You kept your mind distracted and your hands occupied, cleaning up the table and doing the dishes. You cleaned the entire kitchen, wiped down the counters and even scrubbed the sink. 

She just needs a minute. Just needs some time. 

After you cleaned until there was not a thing out of place, you grabbed your acoustic from the case in the bedroom, sitting back on the couch in the living room to play a little, hoping it’d bring you some solace. 

What came out first was the Age of Machine riff that you wrote so long ago, on a rainy day just like this one. You remembered the day you played it for Jake, thinking it was just going to be something he brushed off. 

“Wait, wait…what was that? Do that again.���

“That’s fuckin' scary, Sam. God damn…let’s keep going with it.”

Your fingers plucked away as your mind raced over what had just happened. Was she crying? Should you go in there?  Then it hit you, her favorite song. 

You began to strum the first few chords of Anthem, hoping she’d hear and come back in and be ready to talk. You hummed along, remembering again when you all wrote it. How simple it was. No frills, nothing fancy. Just good guitar, simple percussion, and really powerful lyrics. 

You played for a long while, moving then into something else entirely, big foreboding bellowing sounds then tight and cheery ones, letting the thoughts running through your mind come out through your hands. Darkness fell completely in the house, and you started to worry about Elle, and if she would ever come back. 

“Sammy.” You finally heard. You popped up, turning around on the couch to face her. 

She walked over slowly, eyes puffy and red and face swollen with tears. She sat carefully on the edge of the couch as you sat up, wanting nothing more than to console her. 

“I was going to sleep with Jake that night.” She said finally. 

“Uh, yeah? You…you were?” You were caught off guard, knowing that that night had gotten really wild really fast; you knew that while you were busy with Y/N, Jake and Elle were entertaining themselves. You remembered though, not harboring much feeling about it. 

“Yes. We talked about it. We were going to…because we assumed you guys were going to, too. Well, at least I assumed…” she scooted a little closer to you as you listened. “Jake and I were…very close that night. And I even texted him and apologized for coming on too strong. But, then Josh called, and I got sick…” 

“Yeah, yeah baby that’s exactly how it went. And that’s when I made my decision.” You answered. 

“Sam, stop.” She shook her head. “I’m not mad at you, really. I’m… very disappointed. That you lied. Y/N too. My best friend, your best friend.” You nodded. “But that night was so crazy, so uninhibited, we were all, all over the place…I’m sure you were all surprised at me and Y/N taking things where we did, and that’s something else I never really talked to you about. We never…none of us ever talked it through. I guess I know why now…”

“Jake, was he…?” She asked. 

“Pissed? Yeah, unbelievably so. Elle, they aren’t together anymore. They’ve been broken up for about a month. Well, since that night. They’ve been lying to us all to keep morale up, keep things normal. But, yeah. They broke up.” You explained. 

“What?” She said. “No, fuck! God, Sam. What on earth…”

You nodded, feeling sad for them, too. 

“When I texted Jake to apologize, he didn’t tell me that. He barely even remembered he and I being so…close. Sam, if things hadn’t gotten stopped, I was…” she caught her words, shaking her head as she tried to speak. “I was going to ask your permission. I was going to see if you were going to be with Y/N. Because I was going to be with Jake.”

Hm. Okay, well. This conversation wasn’t on your bingo card for the night of your 23rd birthday. 

You leaned back on the couch. “What a fucked up situation.” You relented. “But, you aren’t mad at me? How is that even right, Elle? I cheated on you.”

“Yeah, you did. And fuck you for that, truly.” 

Deserved that. 

“Absolutely, yes. Keep cussing me out. Fight me, slap me if you want. Catch a plane and leave, go back home and pack your things, I get it. I deserve that, because I don’t deserve you, and your heart, Elle. Your big, beautiful, smart, intense and over caring heart. You’re a million times the person that I could even think about being. Just when I think I have shit figured out, you always come and knock me on my ass with something better. You make me want to be better, Elle. All the time.”

“When I’m challenged with something, anything at all, I literally ask myself, ‘What would Elle do?’ I swear to god I do that at least once a day. You inspire the ever living fuck out of me. You make me laugh, because you’re always so unapologetic about being your pure self. When you left, that first time, I swear I didn’t know how I was going to make it. You disappeared, and I was lost for so long, Elle. And when you came back, god, it was like I was whole again.” 

You held your head in your hands, listening as a low roll of thunder rumbled in the distance. You thought about Y/N, and how for the longest time, both of them took up space in your mind. Your feelings for them were the same, in love with two people at once. But then, out of nowhere, it hit you. 

You moved to Elle, taking her hands in yours. “When I picture my future, when I’m older and we slow down, or whatever. It’s always you there with me. It always has been. Watching Jake in that hospital bed, and watching him fight to breathe as they took him away, his face turning blue and purple as he reached for me, it kinda. Ah, it…” You felt tears beginning to come, now. You hadn’t told Elle about that yet. She squeezed your hands again as you pinched the bridge if your nose, pushing that visual away. 

“I watched him go through something that I should have never seen, Elle. It kinda made me realize what’s important in life, cheesy as that sounds. And later he told me that he saw nothing but Y/N’s face as he was blacking out. It made me start thinking…” you were crying hard now. “If that were me, I would see your face. I’d want to see yours. The last person I’d think about, it would be you.”

She sighed deeply as she dried your tears. “Sammy, babe…”

“I love you, Elle. Way too much. So much that it scares me, sometimes. Because…I don’t know what to do with my emotions. You make me feel a way that I’ve never ever felt before. And it’s terrifying. And I run from it. I don’t know why, but I do. Maybe that’s why I made the decision that I did that night. Because I still didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

“Admit what, Sam?”

You took her chin in your hand, bringing your face close to hers. 

“That I meant what I said when I was eating that cinnamon roll last night.” You said nervously, every nerve ending in your body on fire. 

Finally, finally, she laughed. Rolled her body back on to the couch and laughed. In absolute stitches.

 “I’m not marrying you tomorrow, Sam.”

You giggled at her display, feeling like three million pounds had been lifted from your body. You chased her, laying over top of her on the couch, bringing your faces close together as she brought you into her embrace. 

“No, not tomorrow…”

——

The storm had intensified, thunder and lightning coming every minute now. You and Elle had spent the last half hour curled up with each other, doing nothing at all but being intimate. Talking, laughing, apologizing and explaining…you let more secrets be shared with her that night than you had ever shared with her before. You got down into the roots of some things, telling her detailed stories and experiences, and letting her know how much you cared for her. 

It felt like you had reconnected with her on a cellular level, somehow, and you were thanking your lucky stars that she even was letting you sit with her. It was definitely not how you saw your night going when all of this began. Maybe blowing out that candle really worked. 

“Can I kiss you, Elle?”

The very fiber of your being felt like it had been reset, all the reasons you loved her flowing back through your body like a flooding river. The way she kissed you back, the way she touched you, felt like the very first time. You didn’t deserve this…

“I’m nervous, for some reason…”

You picked her up and carried her slowly to the bedroom, never disconnecting from her lips the entire way. You laid her gently on the old mattress, the iron bed frame squeaking as she fell. She still had her black dress on; it accentuated her curves so perfectly and was cut right at her mid thigh…she slid one strap down, pulling it to sit low on her shoulder, before pulling the whole dress down and off, revealing her black lace set. She made intense eye contact with you, bringing her knees toward her chin as she reclined on her elbows.

“Stop giving me those eyes, Eleanor…you know I can’t say no when you do that…”

“Then don’t tell me no…”

You reached down and took your boxers off, letting them fall to the floor as you inched yourself toward her on the bed. You were positively dizzy, the feeling of her skin on yours igniting you into a fire that blazed differently than it ever had before. Her mouth connected to yours in such a way that felt like you were bonded together, feeling every tiny touch and movement as if it were magnified. You were still anxious, nervous for some reason. Like you were about to sleep with her for the very first time. But she comforted you, kissed your sweet spots, walked you through learning her body again. 

“Don’t be nervous, Sammy. It’s just me…it’s okay…”

“I know, baby..but the way you touch me sometimes…god.. I swear I could love you all day, and all night for the next hundred years and I’d still never get tired of you…”

It was something brand new. She pushed you back into the pile of pillows, crawled over top of you and flipped herself around with her back to you as she straddled your lap. What a fucking view. She leaned down and connected her sweet mouth to you, licking and pulling and pushing, hands in a soft fury to prepare you for her. Your hands reached down and pulled at her hair, directing her throat to be just where you needed her without forcing her…in and out…her mouth was pure euphoria..hot and wet euphoria. 

“You not gonna touch me, Sam?”

Her free hand reached back and ran a finger along the lace barely covering her ass, pulling it to one side as she invited you to touch her. You pulled it more to one side, and her back arched hard for you, revealing her dripping entrance as she continued to close her throat around you. You brought your hand to her, feeling her wetness soak your fingers. “Mmhm…” she hummed around you, causing your dick to jump in her mouth. “Keep feeling me Sam, keep touching me like that…”

The visual was insane, the lightning like camera flashes into the room, each time burning the erotic images into your mind. Your fingers were working her, deep and slow as she hummed her lips around you, bringing you closer and closer…you were sure you’d never felt her like this ever before. 

“So gorgeous, my Eleanor…your mouth feels so fucking good baby…”

She arched more for you as her mouth popped hard off the top of your dick, the loss of contact almost bringing tears to your eyes. “Need you to fuck me into this mattress, Sam. Can you break my back, baby?”

You were putty. Melting and running all over the place. You pulled her back, disconnecting her mouth from you as you brought your tongue to her entrance, suddenly feeling the need to taste her. So fucking delicious. You let your tongue delve into her as far as it could go, reaching into her as she pushed herself backwards onto your face. 

“Fuck, Sammy…yeah…” 

She was whining as you ate her, flipping and flitting your tongue into her as the thunder rolled louder now. Right as you felt her body begin to shake, you repositioned yourself, standing high on your knees behind her as you pulled her panties to the side again, ripping them just a tad in the process. You teased her, the head of your dick begging to push all the way into her, fill her up with everything you had. 

“Do it, Sammy please…I can’t wait any longer, fuck…”

She buried her head in the bed, her hands reaching into her hair to grasp it. “Huh uh, my job…” you fisted her hair, tightening it around your hand and pulling her head back slowly, but forcefully as you slowly entered her. Thick and sticky and so ready for you, she felt like heaven. Her sounds alone were enough to get you there, so you pulled back harder. “Arch it for me baby, I know you can do it…” 

Her body was at an almost 90 degree angle as you fucked slowly and languidly into her, pushing as deeply as you could go, one hand tangled in her hair and the other pulling on her hip…giving you leverage to move her into just the right spot. She spread her legs a little, lowering herself into the bed a bit more, and allowing her to fuck back into you. 

You both were moving slowly, her body dipping low with each thrust and meeting you perfectly as you hit her g spot. “Don’t fucking stop, Sam…right…fucking…there…” she was whining, mewling and purring sounds into the air. 

“You want it harder, baby? Think you can take it?” You asked as she nodded. The thunder was clapping now as her asscheeks hit your thighs repeatedly, her muscles flowing like shockwaves with each hit. 

You pulled yourself out, earning a groan of displease from her. Hand still tangled in her hair, you stood from the bed and pulled her along with you, walking her to the wall by the bed. You gently pushed her against it, letting her cheek fall flat against the white paint. You lifted her left leg up, hitching the back of her knee in the crease of your elbow. 

“Spread for me, babe. There you go…”

And you entered her again, pushing her into the wall. She was considerably tighter like this, and the new position garnered you almost complete control. She was almost unable to move at all. But her sounds continued to fill the room…you knew she was loving it just as much as you were. 

“I’m close, baby…almost there…” she said, breathless and sweaty as you fucked up into her. 

“Hang on, go with me…I’m right there too…goddamn you’re so fucking tight…”

Your name poured from her mouth as you poured into her, bodies shaking together as you pressed your front against her, her forehead rolling against the sheetrock. When your head came back into one piece, and her body stopped jerking, you snuck your hand around in front of her, between her legs, finding her clit and immediately rubbing small circles. 

You went insane on it, flicking it from side to side as you continued to press her into the wall, your still-hard dick resting comfortably inside her. Her cries sounded almost close to tears. You kissed the back of her neck, biting into it as you felt her writhing again. 

It surprised her, the overstimulation making her shudder. Her body stiffened as you worked your middle finger over her already swollen bud, begging her to let go again. Her walls were still squeezing around you, still inside her. You almost felt like you could let go again, yourself. 

“I know you’ve got another one in there, baby. Let me have it…give it to me again…”

Her hand reached behind her and grasped your shoulder, pulling your torso against her back, fingers digging into your shoulder muscle like she was holding on for dear life. 

Within seconds she was soaking your dick all over again, her knees threatening to buckle as she doubled over. Her cries were almost pathetic, shrieking and breathless as she came again. 

“There it is, just for me…so gorgeous Eleanor…” you growled into her ear. 

When she finally came back to life, you pulled yourself out of her, but still kept a firm hold around her limp body, walking her carefully back over as you both crashed back onto the bed in pure exhaustion. 

After a few minutes, she perked up lying on her elbow, looking at you with so much love in her eyes. 

“What?” You asked, smirking as you rolled to rest on your elbow too. 

“Do you really want what you asked me while you were eating the cinnamon roll?” She peeked through one eye. Her words made your stomach drop and your mouth go dry. 

“Yeah, I do. One day, down the road. I can picture it…” you rolled over to your back, looking at the ceiling. “Three kids, maybe four. All really close in age, so they can grow up together like we did. I want to find a big house with a bunch of land, so I can have a massive garden. And a bunch of dogs. Giant kitchen with tons of windows…and all four of my pianos in different rooms. I’m gonna teach all the babies how to play every instrument that I can, whatever they want to learn. The house will be filled with music all the time. And I wanna write songs about them, and for them…that’s what I want.” You huffed a breath, looking back over to her. 

“And you know what the best part will be?” You asked. 

“Tell me.”

“That you’ll be making those cinnamon rolls for us every week…all the time…the kids will love them…” you brought yourself over to kiss her. “And they’ll love you… and I’ll love you…until we’re old and gray, baby. Until the day you tell me not to. I promise. I promise, I promise…” 

—

JAKE POV

You hear her alarm go off on her phone, startling you from your sleep. Her face turned towards you as her own eyes fluttered open. She squeezed them back shut as she reached over to snooze her phone. You smile realizing it’s another morning you’ve woken up and she’s still in bed. 

It’s warm under the sheets, you don’t blame her for not wanting to leave. If it were up to you the two of you would stay cocooned in the sheets all day. She throws her arm over her eyes blocking out the morning light, trying to get those five extra minutes. You lay there just looking at her, watching the rise and fall of her chest as she fights to get back to her dream.

Minutes later when her alarm sounds again, she rolls over towards it and groans, grabbing it from the charger and laying it on her chest. 

You reach your hand out and place it on her arm, “You better get moving baby, Josh will be here soon.”

“I know, but I am so tired, we stayed up too late watching last night. I fell asleep in here, again.”

“We can take a break from watching if you want to.” you offer.

“No! I mean, we don’t have to. I just need to force myself out of here.” she giggles.

“Every night I ask you if you want me to take you back in there and you say no…You say you want to stay…” you goad.

“Ugh, I know Jake, sue me…” she says, tossing the blankets off of her, and standing from the bed. 

“Don’t be like that…You know I don’t want you to anyways. Like waking up to your face.” you smile.

She steps into the bathroom and shuts the door; your signal to start the coffee before she has to leave. It had been several nights since the family dinner and each one of them was spent twisted together watching a TV show until the both of you fell asleep. At least that was your excuse for it. 

As the coffee pot started to gurgle, you grabbed a to-go mug, and waited for the pot to finish brewing. You leaned against the counter, scrolling through your phone as she stepped into the kitchen. She was in a pair of crimson colored leggings, and had on a sports bra that matched. Her hair was in a high ponytail braid down her back, resting just at the criss crossed straps of her sports bra. Shit she looked practically edible. 

She had your flannel tossed into the bag hanging from her shoulder, and her birkenstocks in her hands, dropping them to the floor to slide into them as she approached you. 

“Again, is there any type of viewing package at the yoga place.” you said, pouring the coffee into the mug.

“No, Jacob…” she says, rolling her eyes and reaching out to grab the mug from your hands. 

You look at her again, somewhat jealous that Josh gets to spend the morning with her, looking like that. Fucker. 

“I will be back after, okay?” she said, spinning on her heels.

“Hey, wait…” you asked. 

You swallowed nervously as you grabbed her free hand in yours, “You wanna go do something tonight?” 

She furrowed her brow, “Like what?” 

“Something fun, just us. Like we used to.” you offer, feeling your heart beat out of your chest. 

“Oh, like a date?” she smiles.

“Do you want it to be a date?” you ask hopefully. 

“Yeah, I think I’d like that.” she grins, squeezing your hand. 

“Okay, yeah, then like a date.” you say, releasing her hand. 

You see Josh’s car pull up through the front door window, and look back to her, “Your ride is here…Be careful okay, check your surroundings…all of that…” 

“Okay, I will I promise and Josh is with me. But…I’m excited… for tonight.” she smiles walking down the hallway. You are right behind her, ready to close the door, but as she slips out she spins around and places a barely there kiss on your cheek. “See you later…” 

You smile as you watch her ponytail swing as she jumps into the passenger seat of Josh’s car, waving through the window as they pull away. 

—

You spend much of the morning racking your brain for ideas of what the two of you could do tonight. You’d never felt so much pressure planning a date before, but then you realized. It’s Y/N, she won’t care what you’re doing as long as it’s you she’s doing it with. You knew just what to do, and you knew she would love it.

You grab a quick shower and dig through your closet, looking for something to wear down to the studio. Today would be your first meeting back with the guys to start practicing for the South American leg of tour starting up. You were itching to get your hands back on your guitar, ready to turn the amps to one hundred and just rip for a few hours. 

Shortly after 11:00 you heard the front door open, and heard her setting her things in the hallway, kicking off her shoes.

“Jake?” she called.

“Up here!” you called out to her from the music room, checking out the strings on your guitar. 

You hear her climb up the steps and round the corner, still looking gorgeous as ever.

“I’m back…” she giggled.

“I see that.” you smile, twisting the knob on the headstock.

“You excited to go play today?” she asked, leaning against the wall. 

“Hell yeah, but you know what?” you asked.

“What?”

“I’m more excited for after…” you smiled.

“Yeah? What should I wear on my date with Mr. Jacob Kiszka this evening?” she smiles.

“Mmm…” you hum, rubbing your lips, “A dress. But bring a sweater or something.” you answer. 

“I think I can work with those requirements… I’m gonna go take a shower, but, have fun today and don’t over do it, okay?” she pleads. 

“I won’t, I won’t, promise.” you answer, sliding your guitar back into the case, and locking it. 

“I’ll see you tonight?” she asks.

“Not soon enough.” you smile, watching her blush and run down the stairs. 

Your phone buzzes in your pocket and as you pull it out you see a familiar name cross the screen.

misscarsonneely: Guitar question? I’m sure you’re never going to see this.

You smirk, it is a miracle you saw it.

You: I probably have an answer…

misscarsonneely: Wow, I can’t believe you saw this. Okay, so I have been feeling a little inspired lately and decided to put those new strings to use, but when I play it sounds…bad? Like off kind of? Maybe I just suck? Lol.

You smile and laugh, knowing exactly what the problem is. 

You: I usually never check my messages to be honest, surprised I saw it too. How about you text me instead. I’ll get you fixed up.

You send her your number and wait for her message to come through, adding the new contact to your phone.

Carson

11:23pm: Have I reached the guitar guru hotline?

You

11:24pm:  You have. So I think what you are describing is it being out of tune which happens sometimes when you put higher tension strings on. Could you maybe send me a video so I can be sure?

Carson

11:28pm: Do NOT laugh at me, it is the only song I know.

11:28pm: *Attachment*

You open the video and let it play, stifling back the laugh that escapes you when you hear ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ ringing out terribly through the speaker.

You

11:30pm:  Okay, yes. So the strings I put on your guitar are all I had to choose from, and they are high gauge and high tension so they are putting your guitar under a little more stress than it's used to, so it is spinning the knobs itself to release that tension and its causing your guitar to lose its tuning. It’s probably going to do that a few times until the strings are settled, so just re-tune your guitar and you should be set. Well, until next time. ;)

Carson

11:32pm: I swear I’m not an idiot. I really did tune it yesterday and it sounded fine so when I picked it up today and it sounded like that I never thought that maybe it was just out of tune. God I’m sorry I bothered you with that.

You

11:35pm: No, I know you’re not. You just aren’t used to those type of strings. Asked Sam to grab some to give to Josh, and that's probably all I had in my kit. 

Carson

11:36pm: And I appreciate it soo much. Thank you again for doing that. 

You

11:37pm: My pleasure Miss Carson, let me know if you need help with anything else.

Carson

11:38pm: Thanks Jake. Promise I won’t bug you with more stupid questions. Lol

You

11:39pm: I can assure you you’re not bugging me. Not in the slightest. 

Carson

11:40pm: Good to know ;)

You stare at the message for a bit before locking your phone and shoving it into your pocket. You grab your guitar case and make your way downstairs, grabbing your keys and heading out the door, set for the studio feeling happier than you had in weeks.

—

It felt good to be back to it. God it felt good. But it felt even better knowing you’d be back on the road soon. As much as you were enjoying your time at home with Y/N you craved to be out seeing the world. And it was even better when she was there with you. 

You started small, playing through a few songs, working your stamina back up to what it was. You had another week or two before you left for South America and you were convinced that if you just came in and did a little bit everyday, you would be back to where you were. Almost like muscle memory. 

After a particularly long jam session you checked your phone seeing that it was damn near time to leave to make it home in time to get ready for your date. 

You slung your guitar strap over your head and turned off your amp, unplugging the pick up and beginning to pack up your things. 

“Damn Jake, what lit a fire under your ass?” Sam asked. 

“I gotta get out of here. Have plans tonight.” You replied flicking your glasses down over your eyes. 

“With who…” Danny winked.  

“Your motha…” you said in your best British accent. 

“Good. Go. In fact what the fuck is taking you so long? Get outta here…” Josh said, shooing you out the door. 

You turned to the guys and offered them a quick wave as you stepped out the door ready to wine and dine your favorite girl. 

—

You stepped into the front door and deposited your guitar case against the wall, calling her name through the echoey house. 

When you heard no answer you called out again, “Y/N? Where are you my love?”

“Jake?” She said, stepping out into the hallway as she fastened her earring. You nearly stopped breathing at the sight of her. 

“Sorry babe, didn’t hear you come in!” She smiled walking over towards you. 

“Is this okay?”’she asks, running her hands over her navy blue dress nervously before looking up at you. 

“Everyday I think there’s no way you could possibly be more beautiful and everyday I wake up to just that. You look gorgeous.” You say, seeing the blush creep across her face. 

“Jake…” she whines. 

“It’s true. I’m going to change clothes and then I will be ready to go, okay? Why don’t you have a glass of wine and I’ll be out in a minute.” You say. 

She nods and flits off to the kitchen as you turn on your heels heading for the bedroom. You had stewed over what to wear for your date all morning, finally deciding on a pair of pinstripe slacks and a black button up. You knew she liked it, and she was always particularly handsy when it came to you leaving your shirts open, so it seemed like the natural choice. 

You kick off your jeans and your t-shirt and throw them in the hamper, hearing a knock on the closet door. You spin around and see her standing with a wine glass extended towards you. 

“Can’t drink alone…” she coos. 

You take the glass and laugh, “You’re not supposed to see me like this until after, baby….” 

A short and sweet ‘hm’ leaves her lips as she spins away to let you finish dressing. You sip the red wine and feel your insides warm as you fasten the bottom buttons of your shirt. You slide on your slacks and a pair of loafers before picking a necklace from your wall. 

You give yourself a once over in the mirror and step into the bathroom to spritz yourself with cologne, taking a deep breath and tossing back the rest of the glass of wine. 

She’s sitting on the couch in the study, lazily scrolling through her phone as she sees you step out. Her eyes scan over you top to bottom lighting your chest on fire. Her gaze grows dark and she bites her lips together stifling back the words that want to escape. 

Reaching a hand towards her, you ask, “Ready my love?”

—

“Two for Jacob…” you said to the hostess. She grabbed two menus and guided the two of you to a small candle lit table in the corner of the restaurant. 

You pulled her chair out for her, letting her sit before pushing her in. You took the chair across from her, laying your napkin across your lap as she perused the drink menu. 

“Can’t believe you got us a reservation here last minute… you know this is my favorite place in the city.” She smiled shyly. 

“I know it’s your favorite and when I called earlier to see if they had any availability tonight I wasn’t hopeful but by some stroke of luck…” you trailed off. “Anyways, I’m happy they got us in. Fate I guess.” you smiled. 

“Thank you, Jake… for doing all of this. For planning this and asking me…” She said. 

“Of course baby, wish we could go out more. But I was thinking, how about when we are out on the road, you and I sneak off and find somewhere cool to eat in the long stop cities. Just us. Keep working on us…” you say, reaching for her hand. She laces her fingers with yours and you smile feeling her hand in yours. 

She nods her head excitedly, rubbing her thumb over yours. 

“Okay good. Can’t imagine being on the road without you, you know. Want to see the world with you.” you admit, seeing her eyes grow teary. 

“Me too, Jake.”

A few minutes later the waiter arrived to take your drink orders, both of you opting for specialty cocktails, sure to have both of you feeling more relaxed in a matter of minutes. 

As they arrived you tapped your glass to hers, “To our first date…” you smirked.

“And hopefully not the last…” she replied with a playful smile.

You both sipped your drinks, carrying on normal conversation and talking about all the cities you’d be traveling to in the upcoming months. You both ordered your food, and as you waited you checked the time on your phone to make sure you were still looking good.

“Have a hot date?” she asked with a smirk.

“Sure fuckin’ do…” you grin, “I was just making sure we’re good on time. Our next activity starts at a very specific time…”

“Oh, we are doing something else?” she asks.

“Yep, this is going to be a proper first date. When we are done here I am taking your to the movies, where I am going to spend half of it working up the courage to hold your hand.” you say.

“Oh gosh, well I will make sure I position my hand on the armrest just right to make it not look super obvious that I want you to.” she laughs.

“Can’t wait.” you smile.

“What movie are we seeing?” she asks.

“Well, that was the hard part. There were hardly any options. We have tickets for The Northman. I know it’s not really your thing but we can pick another if you don’t want to see that.” you offer.

“Jake…Do you think we’ve been watching The X-Files every night because I am really into alien mystery shows?” she asks.

“Um…” you hum.

“We could be watching Antiques Roadshow and I wouldn’t miss a single night…” she says.

“And why’s that Y/N…” you coax.

“You know why.” she smiles shyly.

“Tell me, I want to hear you say it.

“Because I just want to be there with you. Lay with you…Want to feel you run your fingers over my arms, and hear your laugh, and feel you twirl my hair between your fingers and kiss my head when you think I’m asleep.”

“So you aren’t leaving on purpose.” you smile.

“Absolutely on purpose.” she smiles.

“So don’t.” you reply, locking eyes with her across the table. 

You feel her foot brush your leg and you swallow back the overwhelming urge to kiss her, and thankfully the waiter arrives with your food, putting a stop to your sudden urge.

The two of you continue to talk as you enjoy your food, downing another drink and sharing a few more laughs. You check your phone again, and see that you are right on time, as long as the bill comes in the next few minutes.

With the sign of your name on the line and the toss of a few bills on the table you are walking hand in hand down the sidewalk towards the movie theater, buzzing from the alcohol flowing through your body.

“Does my date require any concessions?” you ask, playfully. 

“No your date is miserably full from dinner, but if you want something you should get it! I can’t even remember the last time you went to the movies.” she says.

“I can’t remember the last time I went either…” you say rubbing your lips. “Come on, let's go find some good seats.” you say, clasping her hand in yours as you step into the musky smelling theater, ready to hold her hand for the next two hours straight.

—

Obviously, the two of you rushed to the very top row of seats in the theater against the wall, any other seats simply not making any sense. You took the seat to her left, removing your jacket and setting it in the seat beside you. The advertisements before the previews began rolling, and your heart rate began to pick up. Why did you feel like you were 14 again, on a date with a girl you’d had a crush on for two whole weeks? 

The two of you shared a few glances, her hands folded and rested comfortably under her chin as her elbows balanced on the armrests. Suddenly the lights went down, and the previews started. The quick heart rate from earlier got even worse. You didn’t know if it was the nerves from being on a real actual date with her again, or the fact that you were so starved for her touch after the week you’d had, but you found your insides rolling around on themselves with want for her. Her touch, any kind. 

You looked at her with your peripheral, the light from the screen bouncing off her face. She smirked a little, feeling your eyes on her. You made it through the five or six new movie previews, but you couldn’t name one. All you could think about was the gorgeous girl to your right, shoulder to shoulder with you. 

Finally the lights went down even more, and you noticed that the only other people that had made it into the theater was another couple around your age, who had chosen to sit down in almost the front row. A theater almost to yourselves. 

The opening credits began, the loud music rattling the walls and chairs. You felt your palms begin to sweat with nerves, so you wiped them across the thighs of your pants, and rested your elbows on the armrests, jokingly fighting Y/N to claim the spot. You heard her laugh through her nose, moving her elbow around to make room for you. 

“You know, if you wanted the arm rest all you had to do was ask.” She whispered, bringing her mouth to your ear. Instant chills. “And if you want to hold my hand, all you have to do is grab it.”

She pulled back, turning her attention back to the movie. Deep breath, it’s just Y/N. 

You held your hand out, palm up, and she happily laid hers in it, interlacing your fingers with hers and squeezing tightly. Okay, good. Okay. 

You looked to her, smiling ear to ear. The feeling of holding her hand was sending bolts of electricity straight up your arm, and you began rubbing your thumb across her knuckles. 

The movie went on, you only paying half-attention to it. In an act of confidence, you brought her hand to your lips, lying a long and sweet kiss to her palm. She started gushing, shying away and giving you a smile so sweet you felt like melting. She then repeated your action, kissing each of your fingertips and then your palm, her mouth parted and half open as she slowly laid kisses all over your scarred hand, like she remembered where she pulled each and every shard of glass out all those years ago. 

Then, she did something that caught you so completely off guard that you felt your head spin. She brought your pointer finger slowly into her mouth, running her tongue along it, closing her lips tightly around it, and lightly biting the tip…shit. You exhaled, getting so extremely turned on from such a simple act. Then, she switched your fingers, stretching it all the way to the back of her throat. 

Fuck.

When she finally removed it, you were writhing in your seat. She turned back to the movie like nothing had ever happened. Your heart was beating in your ears as you decided to meet her energy, snaking your hand down to her thigh, letting it slip underneath her dress, and grip the tender part of her muscle. You watched as she scooted forward just a bit in her seat, obviously enjoying this game so far. You took it further, letting your hand travel higher and higher until your fingers were ghosting the fabric of her thong. 

The next thing you knew, her hand was mirroring yours, traveling with a tight grip up the inside of your thigh. Shit shit shit. She didn’t slow down, she didn’t shy away. Her hand lightly grazed your bulge, before completely gripping it in her hand. You couldn’t stop yourself from looking directly at her, but the expression on her face was begging you to touch her more. 

You let your hand go up further, touching her through her panties. You held eye contact as you both touched each other, driving the other absolutely insane. You were hoping and praying that she would move to unbuckle your belt, and like she was reading your mind, she did. 

Your free hand moved to help her, your chest already heaving. She kept her eyes trained on the movie while you maneuvered your belt and zipper, and when you got everything unlatched, her finger tips sunk below the waistline of your boxers, pulling them out so she could reach her hand all the way in. 

Fuck what is happening shit shit…

You felt your already damaged lungs lose every bit of air at her touch, her hand gripping your dick and squeezing it, moving her hand as much as she could with it still tucked away in your boxers. 

You gathered your thoughts quickly…two can play this game, baby. You let your left hand pull her thong to the side, wasting no time in going straight for the place you knew would drive her wild. God, she felt so perfect. You’d almost forgotten…her hand on you mixed with the feeling of her on your fingers was making your vision blur. She scooted down in the seat a bit more, giving you more space to feel her completely. Should you…?

Just then, the door to the theater slammed, and in walked another couple, coming up the stairs and taking their seats near the middle of the theater. You closed your eyes, sighing a frustrated huff while you glanced to Y/N, her opposite hand covering her mouth. 

She started to giggle. She removed her hand slowly, and you did the same. She was trying hard not to laugh out loud, holding her nose closed as she caught her breath. 

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” You whispered, readjusting yourself in your slacks. 

“We’re acting like a couple of horny teenagers feeling each other up in a damn movie theater, and we almost got caught. It’s just funny, okay?” She laughed again through her strangled whispers, causing you to feel a chuckle leave your chest. It was kind of funny. 

After you calmed down a little, you leaned in close to her ear, sharing the armrest now. “Doesn’t change the fact that even though I’m not a teenager, I’m still extremely fuckin’ turned on right now and I want to leave this movie as soon as humanly possible.” 

She took a deep breath, teeth gritted tightly as she watched the screen. “Let’s go.”

——

You both made a mad dash out of the theater and toward the car, the brisk night air bringing you back to reality for the time being. What the hell just happened in there? As you made your way through the parking lot digging for your keys in your pocket, Y/N rushed up beside you, taking your hand in hers as you walked. Oh. 

You gave her a knowing glance, and she gave you a glare that could’ve killed you. She really wants this to keep going…get it together Jake.

You both hopped in the car, and you started up the engine, backing out of the parking space. When you got on the road, you cleared your throat. Neither of you had said a word since you left the theater, and frankly, you had no idea what to say. All you knew was that you were absolutely starving for her, and the tension between you was so thick you could almost see it. Was this really happening? It’s been over a month…

You let your left hand drape across the steering wheel and your right balance on the console, nervously running your fingers over your lips. 

“Are you anxious, Jake?” She finally broke the silence. 

Uhhhh…

You cleared your throat once again, feeling the threat of a tiny cough tickle your throat, still not completely rid of your illness. “Yeah,” your voice cracked. “Yeah not gonna lie, Y/N, kinda anxious.” You told her truthfully. 

“Me too.” She said meekly, sinking into the chair. 

You reached your hand out for her again like you had in the theater, letting her grasp your fingers with hers. Still feels so perfect. 

“Do you wanna go home? Or…” you asked, making sure she had the same thoughts as you. 

“Yeah. Let’s go home.” She said. 

“What uh, what about the rules?” You asked her. 

“Well, we didn’t break rule #1, and we kinda broke rule #2…”

“We broke the fuck out of rule #2, babe.” You laughed. 

“Yeah, well. I guess, since we never um. Stated a rule #4, it doesn’t really, technically exist, right?” She offered. 

Holy fucking shit she wants to do it. 

“Yeah I…I don’t remember us saying that one was in the book, do you?” You replied nervously. 

She shook her head from side to side. “Won’t change anything though… We’re still, not…”

You nodded. “Right. Yes. Won’t change anything at all. Still very much…not together.”

“Right. Not together.” she said, looking at you longingly.

You brought her hand to your mouth again, this time not letting it leave your lips until you were pulling down your street. 

——

HER POV

Did he really want to do this? Should you do this? As the car pulled up to the house he put it in park and shut off the engine, as he turned to look at you. Your hands were still clasped together but now rested on your lap. Your brain started to swirl with panic. Would this undo everything?

“Jake, I’m sorry I did that in the movie theater. I shouldn’t have.” you said quietly.

“No, I… It’s okay. I liked it…I’ve…missed your touch.” he replies.

“You have…” you question.

“Are you kidding me? Yeah baby…” he scoffs. “Come on, let’s go inside…”

You nod and open your door, stepping out onto the sidewalk as he rounds the front of the car to meet you. Your brain was still rushing with want but you knew in your heart that you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t be with him like that until the two of you were back together. Right?

“I can see you overthinking it.” he smirks, unlocking the front door. 

“I’m not…I’m just…I’m scared it will undo all the progress we’ve made. That part of our relationship was always solid. I’m just scared we will fall back into how things were…” you explain.

“And what’s wrong with that?” he says, stepping inside and tossing his keys on the table.

“I was a terrible person. Partner…I just want to be what you need in a partner and back then, I wasn’t. You deserve better Jake.” you say.

He steps up to you and grabs your arms looking into your eyes, “I can assure you that you are everything I need. Everything I deserve. Everything I want. If you want to wait, it’ll fuckin’ kill me, but I will wait. I will always wait for you, Y/N. Okay?”

He slides his hand down your arms and twists his fingers with yours.

“Are you sure you aren’t mad Jake? I feel like I just teased you so bad, and you planned the most perfect date and now I am leaving you high and dry…We shouldn’t have taken it that far…” you say.

“Baby this was never part of the plan. I never expected anything. I just wanted to take you out, have a little bit of fun outside of the house. Everything else was just extra. And honestly just feeling your hand on me even if just for a minute was enough.” he pauses. “I mean I guess I was kind of expecting a kiss at the end of the date…” he says playfully.

“So walk me to my door and maybe you’ll get it…” you tease.

He releases one of your hands as he walks you to the guest room door pausing as you turn to face him, “Thank you for the date. It was so much fun…I hope we can have another one day…” you taunt.

“Mmm it’s looking pretty good so far…” he smirks, leaning his head towards you placing his hand on your cheek as he presses his lips to yours. You wind your hands around his waist and pull him closer to you. He pulls your bottom lip between his, sucking at it gently as his tongue swipes over it. You open your mouth just slightly to let him in, a gentle whine leaving your mouth. 

“Mmm fuck…” he growls as he pulls away. “We have to stop. I want you so bad. I’m sorry Y/N. Anyways, thanks for coming with me tonight. I hope you… sleep well…” he says, stepping back from the doorway. 

You twist the door knob and step inside, “You too…” you breathe, your head still rushing with want. 

You close the door softly and stand there, heart pounding as you think about his mouth on yours, his lips, his hands on your skin. Your body fills with goosebumps and your breath catches in your throat. Next thing you know your hand is reaching for the door knob throwing it open ready to run straight to his room, but as the door flies open he's there, leaning against the wall.

“Jake…” you breathe.

“Baby…” he replies, pulling you into him. 

Your mouths reunite once again but this time it's faster, more frenzied. Both of you positively dripping with need for the other. You tangle both of your hands into the hair at the base of his head as your lips fight to kiss every inch of his. His hands reach down and cradle your thighs, pulling you up to wrap your legs around his waist as he walks both of you as quickly as he can towards his bedroom. 

Your lips never part from him, kissing his jaw, his neck, fuck… anywhere you can reach. He kicks open the door walking straight to the bed and dropping you onto your back into the fluffy duvet. 

He steps back from you, unbuttoning the last buttons of his shirt and throwing it to the floor. He kicks off his pants and rejoins you on the bed, hovering over top of you as his lips connect to the skin of your neck. He brings one of his hands to your chest, grabbing your tits as frantically as he can. His fingers hook into the strap of your dress, sliding the fabric down your shoulder to reveal your bare chest. 

“Goddamnit Y/N…” he breathes. 

You squirm underneath him, desperate to feel his lips on your skin again. 

“Tell me you’re sure.” he demands.

“I’m sure! I’m sure! Please!” you beg.

He pulls your dress the rest of the way off of your body, leaving you both in just your underwear. He studies you, his eyes running over every inch of your body like it’s the first time he’s seen it. Your eyes flick to his nervously as his gaze grows darker. 

He runs his hand down your chest, and over your stomach, letting his fingers graze your heat as he swipes them down your legs. Your hips buck up into his feeling his hardened length brush your skin. 

He sees the look in your eye when you feel it, a smirk pulling up the corner of his mouth. “Every fuckin’ day. Every day I have to fight that off. I’m not gonna fight it anymore baby.”

“Please Jake…” you beg. 

His fingers hook into the lace of your thong all but ripping it from your body as he uses his knee to spread your legs. You’re breathing heavily, your chest rising and falling quickly as you wait for his touch. 

“Where was I…” he said, swiping a finger through your wetness. 

“Somewhere like here…” he said, pushing two fingers inside of you, causing your back to arch up off the bed. 

“Yeah, yeah. Right there, huh baby…” he growled. 

His free hand comes up to twist one of your nipples between his fingers, a whine leaving your lips at the sensation. “You always have made the prettiest sounds.”

He hooks his fingers up into you, as he lowers his lips to your other nipple, sucking it into his mouth and biting gently. 

“Jake…” you moan.

He releases his mouth from you, continuing to pump his fingers in and out, “Yeah baby?”

“I can’t wait. Please. Just…please.” you beg, reaching to pull his boxers down.

He pulls his fingers from you and pushes his boxers the rest of the way off, kicking them to the floor to join the rest of your clothes. 

Your eyes travel down his torso to his dick, before you flick your eyes back up to his. 

He snaps his fingers and points to the top of the bed, “Get in the middle.”

You quickly move yourself backwards as he crawls onto the bed between your legs. He bends down, licking a hot stripe up your center, as you sigh into the air.

His left hand comes up to rest next to your head as his right grips his length and drags his tip through your folds.

“Jesus Christ Y/N, I swear to god I’m not going to last five seconds.” he pants. 

“If we’re going to break the rules, we are going to fucking break them.” you breathe.

With a grunt he presses inside you and a whine rips from your chest at the feeling. He is breathing heavy over top of you, trying to keep his composure as your insides adjust around him.

“Fuck me, you are so tight. Feels like the fucking first time I felt you around me…” he pulls his hips back to try to start moving, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he lets out a breath.

“Shit, yeah I need a second.” he pleads.

“Jake, I need you to move. I need you to fuck me right this second.” you beg.

He swallows harshly and pulls back, before pressing into you again with a deep groan. You can see him fighting it, he wants to give you what you want. He wants this to last the rest of the night. You can feel every sweet inch of him as he moves inside of you, your walls clenching around him with every thrust. 

“Jake…fuck…fuck I missed you. I…” you breathe, digging your nails into his back. 

He attaches his lips to yours, licking into your mouth as he starts to move quicker, hitting your sweet spot with every stroke.

He lowers his lips to your ear, whispering into it as he works both of you towards release. 

“You feel so fuckin’ good baby. My gorgeous fuckin’ girl…” he growls.

He starts to roll his hips, causing his tip to slide against your g-spot in slow meticulous strokes as he presses his hand to your pelvis to increase the pressure. You cry out in bliss as the sensation takes over your body.

“Feel good? Feel good when I fuck you like that? Been thinkin’ about it for weeks. The things I was going to do to you when I finally got you back…Better than I imagined baby. You always are…” he whispers.

He pulls out all the way, grabbing your knee and hooking it up over his hip as he presses all the way in to be fully seated inside of you. You clench down around him, and his eyes shoot open to lock with yours. 

“I can’t hold it…” he breathes.

“Don’t…” you pant.

“Want you to cum with me.” he begs.

“I’m there… just keep going…” you answer.

He brings his thumb to his mouth, licking it before pressing it to your clit making rapid circles. You arch up into his touch, and whine.

“Yeah just like that love, you’re so close. My good girl, let me have it. Let me fill you. Can I do that? Can I fill my girl?” he coaxes.

“Please Jake! Fuck!” you cry, a tear springing from your eye.

“Now baby, right fuckin’ now!” he says, grabbing your hips and pulling you impossibly closer to him as his cock jerks violently inside of you. You feel the fire blaze through your chest as your release washes over the both of you, completely tearing your consciousness apart. He grunts your name as his warmth fills you, the room filled with breathy moans and whimpers.

He releases his grip on your hips trying to slowly pull himself out of you without making a huge mess, but as he pulls out, it spills out of you and onto your legs. He groans as he watches, his eyes flicking to yours, which you’re sure are completely blissed out. 

He brings himself to lay on top of you, pressing his lips to yours over and over, until you’re both giggling and smiling. 

“I’m sorry we couldn’t go longer. I…It’s been a month without you…” he says, rolling off of you and onto his side.

“Jake…I was barely holding on too. But…” you pause.

“But what…” he asks, running his finger down your sternum.

“But I want more.” you whisper.

“Oh thank god…” he says, turning your body onto your side, and pulling you into him. He lifts your leg and positions himself at your entrance, slowly pushing inside of you.

“I don’t know if I will ever get enough of you Y/N…” he whispers into your ear. 

His hand reaches around to the front of you swirling his fingers over your clit as you arch into him. 

“Oh fuck stay like that, keep your back arched like that, holy fuck…” he begs slowly thrusting in and out of you. He continues to whisper sweet praises into your ear as his hand travels over your body so softly, so gently.

His hand comes back up to wrap around your front holding you tightly to his chest. Suddenly you feel the air between you shift, this is no longer frenzied and furious sex, no, somewhere it shifted into slow and tender love making. There were no more harsh movements, there were no more dirty phrases. It was just you and him. The both of you showing each other you’re still here. You’re both still in there, loving each other, through it all. 

He pulls out of you and you spin to face him, near tears as he presses his lips to yours in a kiss you know is laced with love and adoration. He pulls your hips towards him, as you part your legs to let him back in. He presses into you until he is fully seated and breathing in deeply the scent of the two of you together. 

You wrap your arms around his neck as he slowly pushes and pulls in and out, his eyes never leaving yours once. 

“Remember, that night in the hotel room, I told you to stop telling me you loved me.” he says, continuing to move. 

“Yeah…” you breathe.

“Please don’t…” he begs.

You press your lips to his, your tongues tangling together as he moves inside of you.

“Why did you say it?” you ask.

“Because it was killing me that I couldn’t say it back…I never stopped loving you.” he answered, starting to pant. 

“I found out right after that, what I did. Crawled into bed with you. Just wanted to be close to you. Had to tell you I loved you too. Couldn’t breathe until I said it. You didn’t hear it, but…” he continued.

“You do?” you ask.

He grabs you and rolls to his back, bringing you to sit on top of him. You spin around to face him, repositioning yourself on top of him, as you begin to roll your hips slowly. 

“Y/N there is nothing in the world that you could ever do that would keep me from loving you.” he answers. 

You lift off of him before dropping back down, repeating the motion until the both of you are crumbling closer to your second orgasm. 

His hands guided your hips, as he talked you through it, his touch tender and loving as he spilled into you for the second time. You rolled off of him and into the bathroom to clean up, opting for a quick rinse in the shower before you both returned to the bed. 

You helped him change the sheets and he disappeared down the hallway, returning with your pillow and your cell phone. 

You pulled on one of his t-shirts and a clean pair of underwear before you slid into the bed next to him and cuddled into his side. 

“Hey baby?” you asked, into the dark room.

“Yes?” 

You rolled closer to him and looked up towards him, “What do you want to do for your birthday?” 

“Hmmm��That…” he giggles. 

You dig a finger into his ribs, “No seriously…”

“I am being serious.” he laughs again.

“Jacob…” you warn.

“I don’t know. I just want to spend the day with you…See Josh, and the guys…nothing fancy. Just want to do this. This feels good. Makes me happy.” he answers.

“Okay, okay…” you say, pressing a kiss to his bare chest. 

“Are you excited to go to South America in a few days?” he asks.

“I am excited, I have always wanted to go to Brazil.” you answer. 

“I can’t wait to take you, it's so beautiful there. There are so many cool places to eat and things to see…” he gushes, “...and to spend every night just like this…” 

“Jake… we… won’t spend every night just like this though…” you say.

“What do you mean…” he asks, turning towards you.

“We…we’re in separate rooms, remember?” you remind him.

“No…cancel it, change it, or whatever…You sleep with me damn near every night Y/N…I’ve kind of grown partial to it…”

“I know baby, but this is part of that growing up thing I am working on. I think we need to stay separate while we are on tour. At least while we aren’t together…”

“I don’t want to be separate. I want to go out, play our shows, eat good food, and make love to my girl every night.” he says. 

“Jake, we can’t do that either…” you say nervously.

“What so this was just…Just a one time thing?” he asks, stopping the hand that's been rubbing your arm.

“No…I don’t know, I don’t know what we are supposed to do but I feel like we need to limit it as much as possible. I know it will be hard but we have to… try.”

He lets out a sigh, “Okay, well, if that’s what you want, I’ll do it.”

“It’s not what I want Jake, but it’s what we need, as a couple. To keep rebuilding our relationship, without using sex as a buffer.” you say.

“I know. I just, need you…sometimes.” he admits.

“I know babe, me too. And I think sometimes is…fine. We just need to wait until neither of us can take it anymore and then…” you pause. “Think about how good it felt just now…”

“Fucking perfect.” he answers.

“Exactly, and I feel like emotionally our relationship is getting so much better. If we can just keep… doing what we’re doing…I think we can be together again and I can be the person I want to be for you.” you say.

He pulls you into his chest and kisses your head, “I know baby. I want you to be happy. I’m so glad you are still coming with us. With me. Still want to go eat at cool places with you. We can do that, right?”

“Yeah babe, we can do that.” you say reaching up and pressing a kiss to his lips. “And for the record I am fully intending on sleeping just like this all night long.” you say wrapping your arm around his waist and nuzzling your face into his neck.

“I’d be sad if you didn’t.” he says, wrapping his arms around you. 

You both start to drift off, your mind swirling with thoughts of Jake and Brazil, when your phone chimes on your nightstand. Your eyes pop open and you roll over to grab it, squinting as you read the name.

Elle

11:47pm: We need to talk.

You lock your phone and set it on the nightstand, swallowing nervously as you return back to Jake.

“Who was it baby?” he asks, voice groggy and still half asleep.

“It was Elle. She wants to talk…”

—

The next morning you woke up almost exactly how you’d fallen asleep, tied and twisted with Jake, your limbs sweaty underneath the heavy covers. The memories of the night before came swirling back as the muscles of your insides began to throb. It really had been a while. But you welcomed the uncomfortable sensation, truly being thankful you could fulfill your human needs so effortlessly with him. 

His hair was overtop of your face, just where you liked it. He stirred beside you, flipping his face to the other side, taking his locks with him. Then he propped up on his elbows, rubbing his face before looking at you with the sweetest smile. 

“Mornin' sunshine.” You said, taking in the sight of him grinning with all his teeth. “You look like you got laid last night.”

“I’m on cloud fuckin’ 9, baby.” He giggled shyly, rolling himself to you and placing his elbows on either side of your head. “Actually got to sleep with the hottest girl I’ve ever seen last night.” He went on, laying sweet kisses to your lips. 

“Oh really? How was that?” You played along. 

His tongue brushed inside your mouth, instantly bringing back that feeling of want that lived deep in your bones. “Fuckin’ amazing. Perfect. I’d give you all the details, but…” he clicked his tongue. “Unfortunately I probably won’t get to do it again for a while, she said she wants to take things slow.”

“Ahh, that sucks. Well, maybe from time to time, when you’ve both built up so much tension…” you let your hands travel down to grip his ass, letting your fingernails dig in and pull him toward you, pressing his morning hard-on directly to your heat. 

“…you both can talk about it again. Ya know, just hooking up every once in a while. You’re both adults, right?” You suggested, leaving the conversation open ended. 

He moaned through a little cry, pushing himself against you again. “We are both adults. Nothing wrong with some healthy sex every once in a while, right?” 

You pressed your lips to his again, licking into his mouth as you felt him hold himself back. “Nothing wrong with it at all…” he mumbled. “God you’re fuckin killing me again, Y/N. I gotta get up. Gotta go, do something…anything…” You giggled as you watched him walk to the bathroom, still completely nude. “Let’s go get coffee.”

——

Half an hour later, the two of you were sitting outside of your favorite coffee shop, sipping from your cups and sharing an oversized blueberry muffin. 

“My abs are sore.” Jake said quietly as he stirred his coffee. 

“Sore? From what? We hardly lasted five minutes each time…jeeze. Must be out of shape…” you shook your head at him playfully. 

He scoffed. “Ugh leave me alone, it’s been a while. Plus I haven’t exercised in like, two months. I almost died of fuckin’ pneumonia and laid in a bed for two weeks, did you forget?” He spat back, sounding bratty as hell. 

“Hm. Well. Guess you’ll just have to build that stamina back up then, won’t you?” You winked. 

The courtyard in front of the coffee shop was semi crowded, lots of people with dogs and baby strollers. You watched as a young mom pushed a double carriage to the table beside you, parking it there and pushing the sun visor up to reveal two sleeping baby boys. 

“Is anyone using this table?” She asked, taking her backpack off. 

“No, no. All yours.” Jake smiled and moved a chair out of the way for her. 

“Got some tiny ones there.” You said. 

“They’re three months old today. Meeting my friend to celebrate their milestone with some coffee and way too much sugar!” She laughed. 

“Oh, I bet you need all the caffeine you can get, huh?” You said. 

“That’s an understatement…” she laughed as she waved her friend over to join her. 

You and Jake sat in silence for a while, people watching and finishing your coffees. You started thinking, right then and there, about something that you truly hadn’t thought hard about in years. Something that, until recently, you’d buried away so far in your brain that you’d nearly forgotten, and the fact that you’d almost forgotten made you sick. A part of your life that you didn’t discuss, that you didn’t bring up, that was a secret from everyone you loved. 

“What’s wrong baby? You’re being kinda quiet…” Jake interrupted your internalization. 

You perked up. “Oh, nothing. Just kinda sleepy still.” 

“Okay. We can take a nap later, if you want.” Jake suggested. 

“Yeah, that sounds good to me, babe.” You answered blankly. 

You both glanced over to the mom again as one of the babies woke up and started crying. You watched as she picked him up to console him, and watched as the other one instinctively opened his eyes at the sound of his brother’s crying. 

“Ya know, me and Josh always used to wonder which one of us would end up with twins, since there’s such a big chance of that happening through generations. I always thought it’d be him.” Jake said. 

You watched as the second baby moved his head around, eyes darting side to side, looking for his counterpart. Your heart nearly shattered into pieces. Even as young and tiny as he was, he looked lost, like his compass was going haywire…

“Watch it be Sam.” You responded. 

Jake’s head snapped your way. “Really? You think? Why?”

You shrugged. “Just would be funny. Hey, you think your brothers would wanna come over for dinner tonight?”

“Yeah, probably. I think Sam and Elle are back, Danny texted me last night-”

“No, Jake. Just your brothers. Your blood ones.” You interrupted, earning a very strange look from him. 

“Uh..I guess. I can… ask them. Why just them?” He pressed. 

Your mind spun around as you tried to pull an excuse to get the three of them alone together. 

“I want to talk to them. You. Just you three. About… everything.” You only half-lied. “Together, as a family.”

“Okayyyy, yeah, I’ll text them now. Uh, our house? 5:00?” He said, pulling out his phone. 

“Perfect.” You took the opportunity to take your phone out as well, pulling up the text from Elle. 

You

10:31am: Coffee tomorrow?

——

The rest of the day proceeded normally, you and Jake went home and did end up napping the rest of the afternoon away, him walking on eggshells at the uncertainty of why you wanted just Josh and Sam to come over this evening, but never pressing the issue with more questions. 

“I’m starting the pasta babe! They should be here any minute!” Jake yelled from the kitchen as you finished up some laundry. 

“Sounds good! I’m almost done here!” You shut the lid to the washing machine, nerves suddenly overtaking your body. You felt your face flush pink, and your stomach flipped over, making you feel sick. You leaned backwards onto the machine, fanning your face as the blood finally traveled back to your brain. 

You rushed into the guest room, pulling the drawer to your nightstand open to reveal your barely-yet-used journal. You flipped to the last few pages, finding the old photograph perfectly safe there. 

Fuck, you can do this. 

Little did Jake know, you weren’t okay. You were terrified. And you were about to share with them your deepest, darkest secret. 

——

“…and it wasn’t even the priest, it was his barber all along!” Josh had finished up with a twenty minute long joke, sending the four of you into stitches. 

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard, Josh. My god.” Sam said. 

“Well, it made you laugh didn’t it?” Josh retorted, making Sam throw his hands into the air. 

Dinner was drawing to a close, and you knew the guys were getting antsy with their curiosity of asking them here tonight. All three of them. 

“Another bottle, guys?” You said, standing from the table and clearing some of the plates away. 

“Yeah, sure. And also when you come back, can you bring the reason you asked just us two to come over tonight?” Sam snapped, turning around in his seat to face you. Fuck you, Sammy. 

You turned to shoot daggers at him, only to be met with three of almost the exact same face staring back at you. You dropped the plates into the sink, admitting defeat. 

You slowly walked back over to the table, taking your seat. The three of them leaned in closely, watching your next move. You cleared your throat. 

“Alright, alright.” Deep breath. “So, this…isn’t easy to say…so forgive me if I get, a little emotional, okay?” You asked, looking to all three of them, the people you loved most in this world, looking at you with so much worry and concern in their eyes you could explode. 

“We grew up together right? Since we were babies, and stayed so close all these years, so I feel like I can trust each of you, even after all the bullshit we’ve been through, what I ultimately was the cause of, right?” 

They all nodded, speaking quietly that yes, of course you could trust them. 

“Sam, my very first chosen friend. Always there for me and always my rock ever since we could walk. I think you know me better than I know myself, and that’s a little terrifying. Always calling me out on my shit, and helping me fucking cause it, too.” You giggled, hoping that one day all of the stuff that happened in Vegas could become a joke. 

“Well, ya know...” He laughed. 

“Josh, you’re such a good big brother to them. And to me, you always were. You don’t even know you’re doing it, but you keep all of us so grounded and so in line, and so in love with life that you should win an award. And thank you, for helping me here lately. Taking me out of my comfort zone and under your wing. I don’t think you know how much I appreciate it.” 

He nodded a sweet you’re welcome.

“And Jake, what the hell. Where do I even start? I’m so excited about this new life we’re building together, and how supportive you’ve always been of me. All the shit I put you through, it’s been some of the most horrible and beautifully messy times of my life. And I’m so thankful for you and all you do for us.”

“I’m also so proud of you guys.” You said, looking to Jake and Sam. “After all that shit in Vegas, you two can still find a way to love each other. And I am so wholeheartedly sorry about how that all went down. From the bottom of my heart, I swear.” 

Jake reached over and grabbed your hand, squeezing it tightly. 

“I don’t know if you know, Jake, but Sam watched you go through something really traumatic in the hospital, and when he told me about it, god, it tore me to shreds. Seeing the love you guys all have for each other, it…” you couldn’t stop the tears that were forming in your eyes, as Jake squeezed your hand harder. “It made me realize some things. And I don’t want to run from it anymore. I want to share…everything. With you guys. With my family. Even my secrets.”

All three of them adjusted in their chairs, curiosity and apprehension written all over them. You stood up, went into the guest room, and re-emerged with your journal. You sat back down, and flipped to the very back page. You pulled the tiny photograph that was stuck between the pages, seeing it one last time by yourself before it became not only your secret, but theirs, too. 

You turned it around so all three of them could see. 

Sam and Jake simultaneously sat back in their seats, physically blown away by what you were showing them. 

A blurry black and white sonogram image of a baby. Your baby. The one you never got to meet. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay…it’s neither of yours…look at the date…” you said to them as you realized their instant state of panic. 

“January 14, 2017.” Sam said, his breath falling out of him with relief. “Oh my god…”

“Baby, what the fuck is going on? What is this? Your name is on this…” Jake said, letting his emotions start to rise. 

“Yeah, Jake. That’s because it was mine. Mine and Andy’s.” You relented. 

You watched as their faces were painted with happiness, then shock, then sorrow.

“I never got to meet this baby, because right before I found out, Andy started showing his true colors in a more public way. Remember the night of the New Years Eve party? When he found us out on the porch?” You looked to Jake. 

“The night he put his hands on me there, left bruises on my arms…all the horrible things he did even before that, you know. Well, I found out two weeks later. I didn’t tell him I was even going to the doctor to find out for sure.” Your tears finally decided to run over. “The night before my appointment, he was drunk. We got into an argument, he pushed me so hard into the wall that it busted a hole through. I thought for sure that if I was pregnant, I would have lost it that night, anyway. So I fought him off of me for another hour or so, let him pass out on the couch. The next day at my appointment, lo and behold, the baby was alright. But I wasn’t.”

“I was so devastated…the nurse at the clinic saw the bruises on me, noticed how much of a shell of a person I was, slipped me a brochure for noticing the signs of domestic abuse. God, it threw me for a loop…I never even thought that that was what I was enduring, all that time. Seeing it there on paper, that Andy was abusing me while I was being told I was most definitely going to be bringing his child into the world. It…fucking…” you were sobbing hard now, finally feeling the weight of the subject coming to the light like a weight off your entire being. 

“I had to make the hardest decision of my entire life, that day. I had to decide. I had to keep myself safe, and I could barely do that. Andy was getting worse by the day. The thought of having to bring a baby…god, I couldn’t even…” you took a deep breath, feeling Jake’s arms wrapping around your back, pulling you tightly into him. 

“Fuck, Y/N…” he cried into your hair. 

You continued. “I never told Andy about it. I kept it a secret…from everybody. I felt so ashamed. A few weeks after I had the procedure, one of Andy’s fraternity brothers’ girlfriends decided to let it slip that she knew I was there…she worked at the clinic and recognized me I guess. Bitch. Completely against the fucking law, but. They told Andy, and he was infuriated. Said that I took something away from him without him even knowing he had it. Hated me for it, called me horrible things. Thinking back now, maybe I should have told him. I guess I could have given him that much. But honestly, things were getting so bad that I truly don’t think that tiny thing would have survived another night of its mother being thrown into the dining room table.”

Jake’s arms held you steady, his hands rubbing across your skin. You finally got the gumption to look at Josh and Sam, both of them absolutely fraught with sadness, tears falling hard from both of their faces. You could tell they were dying to speak, but neither of them had any clue what to say. 

“The reason I’m telling you all of this is because you deserve an answer. I’ve lied about it for months. That’s why he’s stalking me. That’s why he’s been following us everywhere, breaking in and stealing your things…He’s obsessed with giving me what he thinks I deserve for taking that away from him. I’m scared he’s not gonna stop until he gets it. He’s getting worse, he’s in it too deeply now.”

Josh’s hands were folded in front of him, covering his mouth as his leg bounced up and down. Sam had his head hanging from his fingers laced through his hair, staring at the tiny photograph. Jake finally released you, squatting beside you to speak. He brought both hands to your face, slowly drifting his thumbs under your eyes to catch the tears that just wouldn’t stop coming. 

“I love you so much, Y/N, I swear to god I do. I’m so sorry…” he whispered, pulling up to embrace you again. You let your arms wrap around him, your safe place, your home. He’d finally told you he loved you, after weeks of not hearing those words fall from his mouth. 

“I love you too, Jake.” You said through cutting sobs. “I’m so sorry I never told you, told any of you. I should have been honest from the get go. I was just too afraid to tell the truth of why he was following me. Could’ve saved us a lot of difficulty.” 

“No, no no…” they all chimed in unison. 

“No, Y/N. That was something you didn’t have to share with us. You could’ve kept that secret for as long as you needed to.” Josh said. 

“Yeah, this is him being crazy, not you. Don’t worry. We’ll keep you safe. All of us will.” Sam added. “He’s not gonna get what he thinks he deserves. We won’t let him.”

“Yeah, no way that fucker is getting anywhere near you ever again.” Jake added. 

You nodded. “I’m trying really hard, guys. I’m trying to be better. I think getting this off my chest was the real start of it.” You said, tears staining Jake’s shirt. “I’m ready to heal.”

The other two silently made their way over to you and Jake, wrapping their arms all around you and each other as they held you in their own cage of protection. 

You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, all embraced together, but right then you knew you’d made the right decision in telling them. They harbored no blame, no judgment, no ill feelings toward you. Just love. Devastatingly perfect love. 

——

After a few minutes of silent sobs and embarrassed tears, the four of you stood to gather yourselves. 

“Well, that was a lot, sorry guys.” You laughed nervously, stepping away a bit. 

“Please stop apologizing, Y/N. There’s nothing at all to be sorry for. If anything you should be patting yourself on the back, for sharing that with us. That’s a huge step.” Josh said. 

“Yeah, babe. Don’t be sorry to us. We’re all gonna get through it together. One step at a time, okay? We won't leave you.” Jake said, rubbing your shoulders from behind. 

Sam walked up and took you in a giant embrace, his chin resting on your shoulder as he spun you in little half circles. “Can’t believe you held that in for so many years…I’m–I’m so sorry, Y/N.” His whisper was quiet in your ear. This was the closest you’d been with Sam since…

“Thanks, Sammy. It’s alright. In a dark place for way too long…ready to walk away from it.”

He pulled back, taking your head in his hands. “And we’ll be right here to hold your hand as you do. Okay?” You nodded, more tears forming as you felt his familiar comforting touch. He laid a sweet kiss to your forehead, and backed away. A little more light conversation added some happiness to the heavy atmosphere, and you suddenly felt yourself become extremely exhausted. 

The air changed, and Josh and Sam caught the drift that it was time for them to go home. “Thanks for listening to me, guys. Means more than you know.” You told them as you walked them toward the door. “I’m gonna tell Elle and Daniel soon, so. Just wanted you three to know first.”

They nodded, sending you more sweet goodbyes as they shut the door behind them. You turned to see Jake leaned against the countertop, his face completely sunken in with an expression that didn’t make sense. 

“You wanna go for a walk or something?” He said. 

You sighed, walking back over to wrap yourself up in him. “No, I gotta clean up the kitchen.” You said. 

“No, baby. That can wait until tomorrow. It’s fine.” Jake replied. 

“Okay…kinda wanna go lay down again.” You laughed. 

You walked under his arm back to the bedroom, changing into something comfy, and sliding back under the covers with him. He took you up in his arms, pulling you close as you let yourself finally breathe. 

“I don’t know what to say, babe. I’m proud of you for being strong, though. I can’t believe you went so long holding that in…I couldn’t imagine what you’ve been going through keeping that to yourself.” Jake said, laying his cheek to your hair. 

“I almost called you. That day I went to the clinic. I didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to go by myself. But, I just…”

“You should’ve called me! I would have gone with you, talked to you…” he said, voice rising. 

“You were in Europe, Jake. Not even in the same time zone. But, I did it. Got through it. It all…worked out…” you said, squeezing him tighter. 

“I know…I’m so sorry baby.” he whispered. 

You took another deep breath. “Jake, there’s more, though…”

He pulled back a bit, looking at you sternly, pity on his face. “More…?”

You buried your face in his chest. “After everything with the baby, in the year or so after, when I’d go to my annual checkups, they told me it was a miracle I even conceived at all. And after the procedure, I was left with a lot of internal scarring. Lots of… strange complications. Told me it would be extremely difficult for me to even get pregnant ever again, without intervention.”

“Fuck, babe…” he mouthed. You felt his body go limp.

You sat up, able to look him in the face now. “That’s why…that’s why I never told you about it. I didn’t think you’d want me anymore, if you knew I might not…” 

“Shit, Y/N, no. No no no, please don’t.” He sat up and squeezed you again, more sobs rattling through your chest. 

“It’s not fair to you, Jake. You deserve that. And I was selfish in not telling you, but I just love you so much, and everything was so scary and crazy, I didn’t want you not in my life…”

He pulled away, grasping both of your hands in his. “Listen to me, Y/N. You’re it for me. Okay? You always have been. I’m ready to have you any way you are, no matter what. Please, don’t for one second think that I think less of you. Ever. You’re the most amazing thing in my life and I’m not ever letting you go.” 

“But what if I can’t give you what you’ve always wanted?” You cried. 

“You are what I’ve always wanted, Y/N. Only you! As far as that goes…we will figure it out, babe. You and me. We’ll make it through all that together, okay? We have tons and tons of options. I’m not even worried about it.” He pulled you into him again, qualming your tears as he soothed you. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but first we have a few places to stop along the way.”

“You think we will get there?” You breathed.

“Yeah baby… I know we will. I think about it almost everyday.” he says. 

“You do?” you whisper.

“Yeah Y/N. I…I know you’re the one. You always have been. I was stupid to ever let you go. I’m not going to make that mistake again. I swear.” he says, pushing the hair from your face.

“I love you Jake.” you say, wrapping your arms around his neck.

He pulls you down on top of him, holding you close to him as he kisses your head, “I love you too Y/N. I always always will. Until the day I die. I swear it.”

As you let him hold you, your mind raced again but a little more peacefully now, knowing that this was just the beginning. You’d started on a brand new journey, and family had taken on a whole new meaning. Facing it head on was going to be the challenge, but you felt stronger than ever. Ready to weather a new storm, with your compass heading set toward calmer seas. 

But in the back of your mind lingered a persistent demon, one that had haunted and tormented you for years on end. And though you felt safe here in your lover’s arms, you knew that the storm was still brewing, waiting, ready to wash you away the second it could. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

When someone we know and care about is impacted by domestic violence, it is hard to know how to help. But friends and family are important in supporting people experiencing domestic violence so they feel empowered to leave. Waiting for the perfect words could keep you from seizing the opportunity to change a life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there is help. All it takes is one call to the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or Text START to 88788 to discuss your situation.  

For more help identifying the signs of domestic abuse visit this site for tons of helpful resources.

If you are pregnant and unsure about your feelings or what to do next, we recommend calling the All-Options Talkline at 1-888-493-0092 from anywhere in the United States or Canada. All-Options offers unconditional, judgment-free support for people in all of their decisions, feelings, and experiences with pregnancy, parenting, abortion, and adoption.

Vigilance The Outtakes : Disruption

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[ecosystem-administrator]

Stamp

Timeline: Early 5.0, spoilers for HW character death and in-character speculation on the identity of the Crystal Exarch

When they confessed their feelings for each other after the liberation of Ala Mhigo, Mayhem promised to write letters to Aymeric as they traveled. This is the first such letter, delivered via pixie from another world.

To the handsome, generous, charming, patient, and ever-so-gallant Lord Speaker of Ishgard,

You asked me to write you of my travels when we confessed our feelings for each other, and while I don’t know if this was exactly the kind of travels you were thinking of at the time, I have found someone who claims they can deliver these letters all the way to the Source. So here I am, writing to you. It’s more difficult than I expected to think of what to say, honestly. Writing to Haurchefant was just an excuse of sorts, a way of keeping some kind of connection alive, pretending he was still there to listen while I learned to cope with a world where he never would be again. The dead don’t judge your words, and the practice turned itself into a journal pretty quickly if I’m honest. But you…if I say the wrong thing, you’re there to be hurt, or worried. I’m not used to considering whether people worry over me. It’s new, so…please be patient with me if I make some mistakes. This is a strange and beautiful land. I arrived in a forest of lavender-pink trees, under a sky that glowed with roiling golden light from one horizon to the other. Soon enough, I learned the terrible truth of this: the light in the sky is unending, unchanging. It’s a world that has known no night or stars for a hundred years, suffering under a surfeit of light aether. Stranger still, the Crystal Tower is here as it is in Mor Dhona, and indeed I’m writing to you from a room in a building near the base of it. They’ve built up a whole settlement of people who came together after the world was nearly destroyed by surging waves of light, working hand in hand to rebuild a functional society. It’s all rather inspiring. Their leader is the one who called me here, a man they call the Crystal Exarch, perhaps due to the crystallization of parts of his body: one hand is fully composed of living crystal the same color as the Crystal Tower, and more seems to be creeping up his neck. However he came by it, it’s clear his connection to the Tower is profound indeed. He apologized for the abruptness of his means of calling for our attention, and for the stealing away of the Scions. Apparently the spell meant to contact me was of his own creation and needed a few attempts at refining, and I can well imagine that few have ever come by the knowledge and power needed to reach across the rift between worlds. Despite everything, he seems quite reasonable, and his people are happy. Besides…there’s something I noticed that I haven’t told anyone else yet. I don’t know if I’m right, but… The thing is, he’s just a little bit shorter than I am. Maybe that doesn’t mean much to you, but I’m pretty short as male-born Miqo’te go, and we’re shorter on the whole than Hyur or just about any other race aside from Lalafells, which he is assuredly not. There is one Miqo’te man I met in the past who was about the same height, though…a scholar and expert on Allagan history, who collaborated on an expedition into the Crystal Tower in our world, and upon gaining a deeper connection to it, locked himself inside it to seal its power away. I don’t know how he could have gotten here. The Crystal Tower and its Exarch arrived on this world shortly after the Flood of Light, so they say, nearly a hundred years ago. Even if time flows differently here, I don’t understand how any of it’s possible, but it’s just too much of a coincidence to ignore. And…I liked that young scholar, quite a lot, when I knew him. So I’m going to take an inadvisable risk and try trusting this man, for the time being. I guess I’m probably not doing as well as I hoped at avoiding worrying you. Other things not to worry about: any weird dreams you might have before receiving this letter. I’m given to understand that the pixie (I hope I spelled that right) who has volunteered to help me transfer objects between worlds travels via dream, and they seem a bit mischievous. It’s probably better just to disregard any strangeness and not think too hard on it.

I love you so very much, and I promise I’ll write more soon,

Mayhem Moondrop

[trans-axolotl]

Hey! Really excited about that sh curriculum you're putting together. At the risk of diluting the focus: What definition of self-harm are you going to be using? Some stuff I've seen before has been very focussed on NSSI/very direct forms of self-harm and I think there are more recent/broad definitions that are better but depends on if those would limit how effective your curriculum would be. Full disclosure I studied psychology at undergrad and my dissertation was on self harm (specifically if psych undergrads recognised/accepted a broader definition of it). I was using research that was slated for publication that same year, but that was five years ago and I haven't been a student since then so I don't know how up-to-date it is (and one reason I left was the institution of psychology as a practice put theory far ahead of the experiences of the people we're supposed to be helping). Best of luck! I hope your work helps many many people. 💜💜💜

not diluting the focus at all!

content note: in depth discussion of several forms of self harm.

so i was planning on using a pretty broad definition of self harm that is essentially based on what an individual defines as self harm for themselves, rather than trying to create an umbrella definition that labels certain kinds of actions as "inherently self harm" or "never self harm." the first slide of the presentation is actually about collaboratively creating a working definition of self harm within the presentation group, bringing up things not traditionally considered self harm like piercings, tattoos, high risk sports, etc, as a way to consider societal attitudes towards self harm, and then contrasting the definition with medical definitions of self harm so that we can start to build a political understanding of self harm. for this specific training and audience (group of radical medics and health organizers looking for specific skills and strategies they can implement), a lot of what they need is direct information on more common forms of self harm and practical strategies for supporting people with things like cutting, burning, hitting/headbanging, etc. it's likely that a lot of content will be focused on that, simply because that's the need for this context.

also think that there's some other more uncommon forms of self harm that i definitely want to at least mention and brainstorm a bit with (ingestion harm, ligature harm, etc). which can be a lot harder to do harm reduction with given risk level, but important to discuss and brainstorm and try.

in terms of adapting harm reduction to a broad definition of self harm that encompasses many ways people hurt themselves, both directly, indirectly, in ways that are societally acceptable, in ways that are not, i think there's really a lot of opportunity there. in a lot of harm reduction education that I went through that was drug use and sex work specific, we spent a lot of time developing essentially like... a set of generalized best practices based in values and the philosophy of harm reduction that could theoretically be applied in many situations, before we went on to specific harm reduction recommendations for specific drugs. and i think there might be a lot of value do to something similar here. even if a lot of the practical techniques are focused on the type of direct self harm i mentioned above, i think that developing a harm reduction for self harm framework that could be applied for a wide variety of situations that different people might consider self harm. maybe doing a few less typical examples that we work through together and consider how we would apply the harm reduction framework.

honestly i think the only things that i know for certain i'm not going to be covering in this training even though they're things that some people might consider under the umbrella of self harm is harm reduction for eating disorders, because i have a whole separate presentation planned for that LMFAO and harm reduction for drug use, bc there's already so many existing resources in my community. (to be clear not saying that all or most drug use is self harm, but just that i know some people who consider their drug use as a form of self harm for them).

also, would love to hear more about your research if you want to share! it sounds super interesting.

thanks for the ask!

[zahri-melitor]

Recent reads discussion:

Gotham Central: I really enjoyed this for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it was a Rucka-Brubaker collaboration. They’re both great writers and one of the reasons their Batman-‘Tec runs worked really well together is they understand how to write around each other. This helped fill out the department - by each having their own detective teams to write it made the department feel busier as they handed stories back and forth. Next, 2003-2006 was a smart time to put out a cop book in Gotham. There was a real resurgence in police procedurals around that time, so having one in the Batman office makes sense.

It also had a really good launching pad: the one/two hit of NML followed by Officer Down put the GCPD into an interesting situation where the most visible Gotham cops were out of the picture (Gordon, Bullock) plus there was a bunch of turnover following NML. This gave a nice mostly blank slate for the two to build a police department on (and let Rucka revisit what is clearly one of his favourite NML storylines - Montoya and Two-Face’s relationship).

I don’t think as a title it would work as well now, and it would need to interrogate different things. But focusing on the GCPD solving crimes despite Batman in a period when Bruce WAS on one of his downswings worked well. It was across the other events going around it enough that references work - Helena WOULD drop in to talk to the cop who has family mafia connections about a case. Brubaker WOULD write a Catwoman storyline from the other perspective. The Dead Robins case is all the more gripping for occurring during the second half of URTH, because what if it WAS Jason. Plus, Renee’s slow descent into leaving to police is really well illustrated all throughout - these days you go into the story to watch it, but at the time you’d have been hanging waiting to see what happened.

It’s rightly praised. Right team, right title, right time.

Batman/Superman/Wonder Woman: Trinity: another first meetings story. The interesting aspect of it being the Trinity rather than Superman/Batman is that the title didn’t lean into the classic echo panels that every good “we’re exactly the same/nothing alike” World’s Finest team up can’t help but run (I love that trope so much). There still WERE some parallel moments but not nearly as heavy handed and needing to focus on all THREE relationships.

It had an interesting choice of villains. Ra’s Al Ghul, Bizarro and a very young Artemis were an unbalanced set (Ra’s obviously running rings around the other two), but still took the time to let everyone get in the mix.

I also notice just the SLIGHTEST bit of processing going on here given that Clark gets to avert a 9/11 moment at LexCorp tower. Well, it was 2003.

I enjoyed it. It’s not my favourite first meeting for these three but it was a solid one.

Robin & Batman: first of all, the art on this is just so dreamlike, which is good for a retelling of an event that’s been covered and recovered so many times.

Dick’s first missions, first meeting with the Teen Titans, and the origin of his uniform is a story they love to tell and retell.

I really enjoyed that the story grasped the level of how absolutely broken-headed both Bruce and Dick are, and Bruce’s habit of crossing boundaries but thinking it’s for your own good.

I liked that this was a strong reinterpretation, rather than a redo of other versions. That said, it was a bit TOO self-aware and fusion for my taste.

The constant references to Nightwing were one thing, as was the constant Bruce and Alfred debate of child v child soldier v son. I get the meta you’re playing with, but it’s possible to be a little less blatant in it.

But the way the story merged a whole bunch of other events into this one was rather “I see what you’re doing but I’m unsure if I like it”. Stealing from Jason, Tim AND Damian’s Robin periods, particularly things that were specifically linked to THEM rubs me a bit the wrong way.

I’m resigned to the inevitable long pants but DICK DIDN’T HAVE LONG PANTS.

Waylon Jones is linked to Jason’s pre-Crisis circus origin, not Dick’s. It feels a bit icky to graft him onto Dick’s (also the altered setup of how Haly’s worked).

I did like that the trap was a reinterpretation of the Hanging Judge trap (though honestly just redo Two-Face for me again, I like that story).

D&D is Tim’s thing. I promise you you can come up with a group activity for Dick to join his classmates in that isn’t heavily linked to one of the other kids.

Equally I’m pretty sure only Damian was ever a Gotham Academy kid. It actually amuses me that all the boys largely went to very different schools (though Damian’s now at one of Tim’s!)

Those quibbles aside, it’s a good retelling. I just don’t like it when comics go ahead and merge character traits belonging to other Robins into each other - it’s lazy and it confuses newer readers.

[unidentifiedfluffyobject]

Welcoming Post

It's been a long time since last I've been on Tumblr, please forgive me. Back in the day I use to be known as an ArtBlog, but I've recently decided to flex on the Roleplay circuit a little bit. Or attempt to, rather.

I have plenty of information on the Muse that I have here, and while this blog is dedicated to one muse and the AU within which I'm playing with, that is not to say that I don't have more than one muse! I have SEVERAL, in fact, and they're all available to write with in private if you're interested in writing with me at all.

--For the sake of laziness, and the fact that I want to add more stuff here, I'll be posting cliff notes of my rules and the things that I'm looking for!

Details

-Undertale / Undertale AUs RP Blog

-Genderbent Freeform AU Sans. (UFOtale - Formerly Outerlust, less so anymore)

-20+

-Literate / Advanced Literate (Mun has a minor in English Literature)

-Can RP on Tumblr through threads, DMs, Gmail or on Discord (Please ask privately)

-WILL DO: Canon/OC, Canon/Canon, OC/OC; Doubling Up (For Canon/OC ships, you want a specific canon for your OC? I'll expect the same in return.)

Things I Need

-Length Requirement; So long as you're able to write at least a Paragraph, I'm satisfied. I can post upwards of twenty paragraphs if I'm scene building, but do not let that scare you off. I will never require you to match me unless you just want to. Please don't feel pressured.

-Age Requirement; 20+, as previously stated. For certain situations, I may ask you to prove your age to me, and will provide proof of my age to you.

-I prefer to write in Third Person, and I would appreciate it if you did the same.

-Teamwork makes the Dream Work! I like plotting, and I LOVE Collaborating. We can make something amazing together if we just think about it.

-Communication; If you have an issue you need to discuss, let me know! Further, I like to make friends with the people that I write with, so OOC is much loved.

-Frequency; So, I work third shift at a Mental Hospital, and at a certain point of the night, I'm very, very active to try and keep myself from falling asleep at work. I will post a lot at night, and less during the day unless it's my days off. I work on a Rotation, which I will inform you of when/if you contact me. It's pretty easy to get accustomed to when I'm around. I can/will post multiple times a day, but this isn't a requirement.

-Art; I will draw stuff in regards to our rps, but I will always ask permission, first.

-YOUR COMFORT IS IMPORTANT TO ME; Please let me know of your triggers, pet peeves, dislikes, etc. I don't want to approach any subject that may make YOU uncomfortable. I appreciate this courtesy returned to me.

-NSFW Nonsense; Dark themes ahead! Further, if you want a romantic plot of some sort, I'd prefer a slow-burn. Lewds can be lead up to, but it will never take place on the dash. Always in private- assuming we write here on Tumblr at all.

OTHER MUSES;

Who I can/Will RP;

Classic Sans, Horrortale Sans and Papyrus, Swapfell (and Fellswap) Sans and Papyrus, Underswap Sans and Papyrus, Outertale Sans, so on so on. I also take requests, though if it's an AU that I'm unaware of, I'm keen on asking information on it so that I can portray it properly.

I have several OCs, some that are New AU-based Skeletons, some that are Humans, and some that are Monsters or other fantasy type creatures (Fairies, merfolk, etc).

I can write any gender, so please specify if you request to double up whatcha want from me!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post, I appreciate you. If you have any more questions that this didn't cover, the Rules and Character Info sections may help out!

[esta-elavaris]

Ch. 5 -- Groves! Okay, his expanded role was a combo of my adoration for Cullen from Dragon Age (voiced by the same actor - so it’s a shame he’s, uh, a wee bit unhinged irl) and the fact that I needed to populate Port Royal to make it feel real rather than just something to get through ‘til Jack turned up. What I do like about the glimpses we get of his character in the movies is that he’s pretty light-hearted, and he’s funny. That meant he’d get along with Theo well.

I did worry, especially after the dinner party in later chapters, that the chemistry between him and Theo was too good and risked overshadowing that which was steadily building between her and James, which was a slower burn rather than instant banter, just because James is more surly and reserved. I really didn’t want to do a love triangle, but in the early chapters it felt like it was almost on the verge of going that way of its own accord bc they just gelled so well. I do think Groves at least had a bit of a crush on her in the very early days, before he saw the signs of her and James falling for one another, at which point he’d close off his mind to any possibility there.

That was why I had them have that very frank conversation on The Dauntless after James’ and Elizabeth’s betrothal. It just comes from different approaches to marriage. From a historical perspective (and therefore Groves’, to some extent, albeit only in the early days, because her love for James and the fact that it was reciprocated put an end to any potential in Groves’ mind) they would be a good match. They get along well, they’d be able to work together and collaborate with raising kids and they probably would be able to eventually build love from there. It’d be a decent partnership. But it just wasn’t what she and James had, and Groves deserves a woman who could give him that - and one who he could give that, no less. Theo knows that, Groves knows that. We stan a man who knows his own worth. So it ends up just becoming a solid, very affectionate friendship.

I think if I did go down the route of having it be more, even if mostly one-sided from Groves POV, it would’ve been too much like the Elizabeth/Will/James thing that goes on in the canon, only it would be Theo/James/Groves filling those roles. I also think Theo just didn’t have enough interest in courting/romance to “settle” for somebody she wasn’t absolutely head over heels for, just for the sake of having a partner. She’d need to be madly in love to even consider giving up her strict independence anyway, and it would be too Mary Sue-esque if Groves spent the story pining for her. 

I did briefly consider having a Hattie/Groves subplot later on, starting from when they all have that sit-down in the AWE portion of the story, but it felt too unrealistic, Hattie came off as too young (maybe not for the time period but y’know), and I didn’t want to go down the route of “every single character must be paired up at the end”. I also didn’t want to sacrifice pacing and add a whole bunch of extra words and chapters for it. 

[nrhayati25]

DISCUSS THE SEVEN WEEKLY TOPICS AS A WHOLE! [Week 10]

The Critical Thinking Skills module is a module that enhances skilled values that I have already possessed as an individual. From my understanding for the past few weeks, it pushes me to think critically and further dive deeper into matters rather than looking at it at a surface level. Though the seven weekly topics may seem daunting, I personally feel that complacency overlooks the true definition of thinking critically. It allows me to be more self aware as a person and these values are definitely important when it comes to school and even more when I am working, where I will be placed in situations where conflict, pressure, or self esteem may be affected. To me, Critical Thinking is a process that should not be rushed. I view it as steps, just like how if I’m going through a breakup, or grieving over a loss, my friends will always advise me to take baby steps to heal. These steps should feel like a process that would lead me into a bigger picture. The image below is an exact depiction of what critical thinking metaphorically is in my head.

Personally, week 2 is my favourite activity whereby I was required to work collaboratively with my classmates as a group. This activity was memorable to me because it’s been awhile since I had to work together with my peers. Honestly at this period of time, I have not memorised my classmates' names and it felt a tad bit awkward to refer to them as “you” or “he/ she” and not by their names. Despite that, and the international students were struggling to converse with the team due to language barriers, I admired how we could still build a concrete monument under restricted time. The diversity of ideas and understanding of each other allow us to work as a team to curate a monument that represents our individuality and thinking. I value the effort and teamwork that me and my teammate showed during this activity and how the process did not feel awkward at all despite it being one of my worries. 

Honestly, I feel that I can do better when it comes to communicating with my teammates. As a person, I tend to observe and over analyse my environment. This can be a good thing but not at the same time because I might space out and go non verbal. I can definitely improve on this by allowing myself to be more relaxed and to be open to uncomfortable situations.

word count: 418

[ju1cy-squ1d15]

My Concepts For Fortnite Seasons!! (Part one)

So honestly in my opinion, fortnite takes the cake for creativity in seasons, however....it's lacking some...mhf if you know what I mean. It's like every season, the content in the range of the theme declines while collab skins and loot take over, overpowering the season's loot. So I thought why not create some concepts.

Caribbean theme

It's crazy how they never thought of that for a summer season. Bit let's cut to the chase.

So obviously for the battlepass I can't put in all Caribbean countries with their identity as its pretty long...but I was thinking they can make those into skins in the item shop, kinda like the hero skins, but with different flags and costume.

Battlepass: its basically elements of the Caribbean.:

A pan man

A spiritual man

Some common folklore charater in the Caribbean

A carnival lady

A fruit mutated woman

And a macaw furry thing

A taino warrior girl

As for a collaboration skin, I'm thinking someone famous from the west indies or a charater that goes along the theme of "tropical"

Map: I'm thinking half the map will be covered in white sands. And another half would be a city but risen up with a water barrier. And there will be mini islands that will span randomly each game representing each unique islanf...but mini of course.

Guns: the can bring back the flair gun and hunting rifle. They can also bring back the storm in a bottle but a reskin.

Weapons/mechanics: I'm thinking a limbo rod that acts as a pickaxe that once an enemy is hit they'll be set on fire.

You can also dodge by bending low on your back. It can have pet turtles, a replacement for klombo, that you can ride and store weapons in their shell incase your inventory is full.

There can be a steel pan that can be used as a shield, with the concept that the more a player hits it, the more damage it absorbs, in which the player with throw it to the enemy to cause explosive damage.

The map will occasionally have earthquakes, causing builds and structures to be broken down and and hurricane version of the storm that can flood parts of the map.

A new shot gun will be added with a fire rate of 0.4 seconds that can cause bleed damage.

The will also be hunter npc roaming around the map with animal masks and will have aimbot and will do twice as much damage with the guns. Why? Because from the trails and errors you'll get a mythic called the zemi, that grants double times the health and shield.

Magical season

Chapter 4 season 1 did the kingdom theme dirty in my opinion. So it's a Revamp. I wanted to make it more fairytale theme.

Battlepass skins:

A humming bird guardian (female)

Tattooed crystal keeper (male)

Assassin (male)

Furry pig king

Land mermaid (female)

Cute monster princess

Baker hunk...dont ask (male)

Enchanter (male)

For the ninth secret skin, i rather them do something original in the theme of a queen as the queen will play a big part.

Guns: no guns will be added other than shotguns only.

Map: they will be three kingdoms across the map (dark, snow, enchanted forest). As for the boims, their will be an enchanted forest, extreme snowy and a swamp. Their will also be tribal/nomadic outposts scattered randomly with, once again, aggressive npc with aim bot.

Weapons and mechanics: smg's, ar's and other long range weapons will be replaced with wands, mage staffs and swords. They almost function thr same but with minor abilities.

Ther will be prices of amore scattered across the map in which you half to solve puzzles to get.

Mini dragons, goblins and dark horses will be the new wildlife and can also be tamed, however, some may be more dangerous to fight than others.

A crystal mythic from that crystal guy earlier will be used as a way to generate a secondary shield.

Heals will be replaced with the bakers hunk-...I mean guy's baked goods, with shilds be replaced with drinks (kid friendly) and others replaced with bread or pies or other stuff.

The trees will come alive and fight back.....you can tame them tho. And there is a decent chance to obtain a tree mythic. It acts as Armour.

The monster princess drops a shape-shifting mythic with built in beats such as a werewolf or vampire or whatever.

A mine pillage will occur in one of the kingdom or any POI, in which when they are killed, you get loot of higher rarity.

As for the queen thing, the event will be that you have to choose between the three kingdom to fight against the remaining two. Following this, the winning team will take down the queen (as it is an abush) to an epic team battle.

[mylyricpages]

INTERVIEW WITH JEFF SCOTT # 8 ( 2023 )

“After twenty years I keep thinking what else is there left to write about, but to my constant surprise life keeps providing inspiration.”

Barely a year after ‘On The Outside Looking In’ James Ellis is releasing not just one but two new lyric collections. “I had my doubts if I’d even do a collection this year,” he tells Jeff Scott, “but I ended up with more stuff than I knew what to do with.”

IT’S AN UNUSUALLY hot morning in early September, the nation basking in an unexpected heat wave after weeks of unsettled weather. Mercifully though, there’s a cool breeze bringing some slight relief. Caswell Bay, Swansea is brimming with activity, families filling up the beach, dipping in the sea, and across the way car after car arrives in a constant stream. We got here early. We’re sat outside the Surfside Café, queues are building at the nearby ice cream parlour and there’s already bustling going on at the local surf school hut.

I’m sat with here James Ellis, who’s picked this splendid piece of the Gower coast to talk about his two new lyric collections. Yes, that’s two, the first time he’s written more than one in the same year since 2013. “It caught me by surprise,“ he says. As you probably know by this point we’ve done this a fair few times before. You know the story, he finishes a new project, I interview him. It’s worked pretty well since 2012. We’ve talked life, music, his books, his comics, we’ve even collaborated on two volumes of his memoirs, but today, it’s the lyrics again.

It’s been a busy time for both of us lately and unlike our usual meet ups our time today is short. So quickly we get down to business, him with his coke zero, me with a fresh brew. We’ve agreed to dive pretty much straight into the songs albeit this time around we’re doing things a little differently and discussing them in the order they were written.

We begin with the 15 ‘songs’ on the first collection ’We Are Ascending.’

Dear Life

This was the first thing I wrote at the tail end of spring, pretty much in the last days of May. It was written alongside a very early version of ‘Twilight’s Last Stand,’ which was far longer and called ‘Shadowlands’ then.

For this collection I originally had a bunch of lyrical themes I wanted to explore but once ’Dear Life’ was done that idea didn’t work for me anymore. I guess I felt like I’d explored that way of doing things well enough with ‘On The Outside Looking In’ and going forward I decided I’d let whatever was going to come out just come out and get the hell out of its way.

It’s basically about me writing a letter to life and asking a few questions.

Broken Teeth

If anything represents the themes of ‘We Are Ascending’ I think it’s this. What I realised in writing ‘Dear Life’ is that this collection was going to be more about how I see the world, about what’s going on around me, rather than what’s going on inside me. ‘On The Outside …’ was very much an introspective thing and I realised while writing ‘Dear Life’ that I wanted to get away from that way of doing it for a bit. From that point it became very much about the times we’re living in. Once I figured that out I knew I had something I could explore.

I’ve had the first verse since the early part of the ‘Electric Hymns’ sessions, I’ve just struggled to find a good place for it until I realised it was actually an opening verse. Once I figured that out the rest just flowed. It’s pretty much about our current digital age and social media.

We Breathe/ We Breathe ( Reprise )

It started out as one song as these things often do, but when I got around to typing it up proper it seemed too long. I liked everything in it though. It had a significant middle section which was what I basically pulled out for the reprise but there were still a few verses that didn’t make it. As it turned out I liked the way having a reprise gave a little more cohesion to the collection, with things echoing a bit.

Both parts are about our relationship with the world around us, how we relate to it in both good and bad ways. They’re about the current not so good path we seem to be on but I made sure it had some hope too.

Ghost Of A Town

Written about my hometown. Much I love it, there’s no getting around the fact that it’s become a ruin of its former self. Empty shops, half empty streets, buildings falling apart, it just has a general sense of neglect. It’s not a shit hole by any means, not yet, but it feels like it’s at a point where it could certainly go that way. It’s been one bad local authority decision after another for decades since I was young.

It’s a place with a rich history. It was a brilliant, thriving market town when I was growing up but for reasons I’ll never fathom anything that made it unique or historically interesting has been taken away and its soul has been eroded. I just wanted to capture the feeling I get when I go there now. It’s not a ghost town but there’s a sense of it you can’t deny. People are fighting to keep it alive and I admire that too.

The title popped into my head one day when I was walking through the streets and it kind of perfectly summed up how I felt in that moment.

Intermission # 1 & #2

I wanted two really short pieces, something I hadn’t done for a while. I think the words have a kind of music hall feel to them but I’m no expert on that so I could be wrong. Early on I considered splitting the collection into three parts. When that idea later solidified I thought it might be nice to have these little intermissions, maybe just a verse, to end acts 1 and 2. I basically used the template for Intermission # 1 to write # 2 as I wanted them to be companion pieces.

Ministry Of Light

This came out of Intermission # 1 as I was figuring out how that was going to go. There was a bunch of lyrics that didn’t sit right in it but I quite liked and I was pretty sure I could still do something with them.

I have to be honest here and say I’m still not sure what this song is about. I know I wanted to write something that was a kind of hopeful thing, a mantra of sorts, about shining a light on things instead of throwing shadow over them, about veering more to the positive side of things. I wanted a kind of communal feeling to it. I’m not sure I captured what I was after but it‘s still got stuff in it I really like.

King Without A Crown

King Without A crown started out very differently. It sprang from a random few lines I wrote down which went something like ‘You lived your life/ you lived your life so well/ you were a king without a crown.’ It was originally about someone I knew, someone who died suddenly and died far too young, but it wasn’t working, not like I’d hoped it would anyway, and as I rewrote, it became much more of a universal thing. Who knows, I may still get to use those lines one day.

A Sympathetic Sound

Some of the verses are from the original version of ‘We Are Ascending,’ which I wrote around the same time as ‘Dear Life’ and the original version of ‘Twilight’s Last Stand,’ and quite frankly that version didn’t work. I liked the verses so I kept them until I found a suitable place.

It’s about the daily struggle we all go through in our lives but also about that sense we always feel that things will somehow get better, that sense of hope that we’ll always turn a corner toward something better.

We Are Ascending

This updated version came directly out of writing ‘A Sympathetic Sound.’ On revisiting the original version of this I realised, in a real light bulb moment, how I could get to the version I’d been trying to write in the first place. Once I’d figured that out the rest of just flowed.

The theme of it came out of ‘A Sympathetic Sound’ too. In a way it feels they’re two halves of the same thing. They’re about the same thing.

A National Address

A bit of a tricky one this. I had no idea how I felt about organised religion or the Church itself until the words hit the page. I have to admit I debated with myself about putting this out into world as I don’t want to offend anyone. Faith is one thing, everyone has faith in something, friends, family, God, we’re spiritual beings at heart, but when a group starts dictating to people how they should live their lives, embrace something they don’t believe in, that’s where I draw a line.

I’m not attacking anyone’s belief system, just how it’s corrupted by certain elements of certain institutions to further their own agenda. It was surprising how fast and how easily it all came together to be honest.

Alchemy

Now this came easily and nearly fully formed, unexpectedly so and it’s always nice when that happens as mostly it can be like pulling teeth.

The chorus came first, then a few days later the verses. I already had the ‘beauty in the tragic’ part and that just slotted in really nicely as if it belonged. It’s about how we remember those who’ve gone, about how we deal with that and how we keep their memory alive, for them and us.

Swimming Not To Drown

Written in bits and pieces over about a week. It didn’t exactly come in order either, nothing was where I felt it should be and it took a few more days once I had those bits and pieces to figure out how it all fitted.

It was only on putting the finishing touches to it that I realised what it was about. As with a fair few songs in the sessions for ‘We Are Ascending’ it’s about having hope in things, that whatever’s getting us down we’ll get through it by helping ourselves and helping each other.

The Class OF 23

There was going to be a completely different song in the position this takes up in the collection but my nephew was just finishing up in secondary school for good, which of course, is a big moment in his life.

I wanted to mark that somehow and the words just came tumbling out in a few hours. It’s certainly the song that took the least time on this collection, but it felt fully formed as soon as I put the words down.

*

[mikeartblogyear3]

Week 11

The image that I have sent off for printing for the collaborative Class of '23 Zine. 

This work explores the minimalising that my practice has been focusing on recently. I tried to construct a scene with lines and dots and not weigh too heavily on detail. 

The colour used felt a bit of an attack on my graphite grey space, but it is where I eventually want to progress towards so I tried to relax into it and not feel too overpowered by it and instead tried to celebrate. 

But I felt I rushed that project. 

I didn’t give myself enough time to sink into it, to feel and understand it. When I look at it it feels a bit prosaic and devoid of much intent and is mostly a vanity project/a release of energy. 

∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆

So I wanted to create a new piece, one that I could allow myself to better apply myself to... 

I started as I did the last, with a spray paint background. I started applying small dots and lines, trying to slowly build a space and bring forth a landscape while also keeping it in the realms of abstraction. 

Here I was sucked down into a really confined space and I didn’t want to fight it, I felt more knowing about where to place the next piece when I removed logic and existed in a more automatic headspace. My relationship was there, and I guess even strengthened by those questions of alternative action. 

I want to keep sitting in this space and document what eventuates - and I guess the artwork is the documentation... I feel so much more able to connect to it than expressing in writing. 

______________________________

Another project I’ve been working on is combining a graphite scene with a short story that I wrote that reflects the drawing. I want to get better acquainted with writing, and hopefully understand it in similar way to how I draw/paint. 

I fall into a negative space when I express myself with words, because there are so many that can combine in so many ways and I never know how to apply desire and feeling onto the ones that are true. 

I wanted to find that same slow building warmth in writing, similar to how I apply strokes on paper/canvas. It feels so silly to say it out loud, but out inner space isn’t made of a language and I need to remember that and put confidence in these experiments that I lack the ability to convey verbally. 

I’ve been jumping back and forward between the written and the visual, trying to harmonise them in some way.

I want my writing and work to still exist in that minimal space/relaxed space, and not venture too deeply into any one topic. I even wanted the story to be about that observational, light perspective. A thing that is flung about by an unknown force and views the world in a unattached way. 

It is a melancholic state, because the thing does truly desire to connect but it doesn’t know how to go against that deep pull. 

I want to not have it typed, and hopefully handwrite the text then make a poster of it/ display it on telephone poles and such 

Class of '23 Zine: 

In class this week we all installed our works collectively in the Frank Moran Gallery. 

Briefly I talked about the work, how minimalising my practice to lines and dots allowed me to build a stronger intent on what I was doing in the moment. I don’t think I expressed the visual outcome was planned, but I tried to emphasise that it’s more a meditative practice of just going back and forth between lines and dots, the 1 and 2. 

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the piece as I don’t think I gave it enough attention. I wanted it to be a representation of where I want my practice to move towards, but in doing so I skipped over one of my fundamentals of allowing the space of attachment. 

_______________________

Artist Research: 

Winnie Sidhart’s artwork reflects a similar process of collection. Works that she felt weren’t successful or she intentionally destroyed are cut up, rearranged and unified on one canvas, bringing in multiple ideas into one space and celebrating the act rather than it being one thing. 

Winnie’s artistic practice celebrates all states and showcases through collage that we can be more than one thing. Her work begins with cutting up and bringing back smaller works and slowly applying all the pieces to a single space. Our current moment is so much more than just one thing, it’s everything at a time and trying how to be clear on where we stand in all of it is so difficult to see. Winnie shows through her art that we need to have a gentle and keen perspective to find a way to collect it all and move with it. 

Research: 

Outside of artist research I’ve continued finding practices of witchcraft. I don’t get heavily invested in any one, but I think I’m more interested at the moment in how they are all similar, what is the basic identity of their philosophies. 

In witchcraft and the gay counterculture, what is illuminated is what is unifying about the two. Both seek to leave a system that they don’t connect with and feel distant from. We both reimagine ourselves in a life that we want to live in. 

I think I research this for solidarity. An insight into another perspective and how their worlds are built. 

[ericasaffron]

Workshop with the Community #8

On Friday, we conducted the workshop. During the first hour, I was worried that no one was going to turn up, but people started to come. I chose to put up posters in front of the tents and also outside the farm, so people are aware that there is a workshop going on.

The first participants we had two tourists from Belgium. They visited the farm to see the donkeys, which they saw on social media. They were visiting London. I was worried if they would fit the participant list, as they are visiting the farm and not part of the Spitalfields farm community. But the tourists gave a good insight as they have decided to visit Spitalfields farm and not other farms.

One of the participants decided to join the other workshop, Farm Voice. To make it seem not awkward, some of our group members decided to join in together and did the tasks together with the participants. I think this helped to ease the participant. I noticed that when I asked the participant to explain, and she was the first to talk, she did not want to. After this, I decided to ask the group instead if anyone wanted to go first to explain what they have to build with Lego.

I thought by not asking the participant first, she may be influenced by other people's opinions but as the task was building something and everyone built independently, everyone had a unique object.

The second group involved 3 people from our HCID class and one of the tourists from Belgium. The third group involved 3 staff members at the farm. I was happy that I had a chance to conduct a workshop with members at the farm. In the end, for our Magical Farm Workshop, we did 4 rounds of workshops and had 10 participants.

I think as I facilitated the workshops, I got better but also forgot certain parts like showing the next slide and asking to dismantle the Legos. Luckily, other team members were there to assist me, and let me know if we needed to go to the next slides and ask the participants to dismantle their Lego for the next task. I made a mistake in the first workshop when I told the participants they can use Lego during the second task. The way the tasks were structured. To be honest, I do think using the Lego for the second task wouldn’t have been a bad idea because some people may be comfortable using Lego, and it would have achieved the same outcome. The constraint was that we did not have enough Lego sets, and the Lego will need to be dismantled if they wanted to use Lego for the second task.

The workshop focused on building things, so the lack of talking during the workshops was not a problem. However, I felt that there was a missed opportunity to engage with the participants while they were building, rather than in silence. As a facilitator, I found the silence a bit awkward, and my teammate asked me to sit down and relax, as I was standing up and not being calm enough.

During the last workshop with the farm staff, something interesting happened. They began connecting their Lego pieces and building collaboratively on their own. We had originally planned to combine all the artefacts they built into one story. It was fascinating to observe, especially since other participant groups were not doing this. It demonstrated the strong connections these individuals had with each other.

During the workshop, I observed that the other group only had 2 participants, who were the two tourists from Belgium. The group took an hour on each participant when we agreed on 20 minutes to be the maximum time for the Farm Voice workshop. Because of this, when the farm staff were available to participate in the workshop, they were too tired and needed a break. I wish they had included at least 2 people from the farm staff to interview, as their workshop was more suited to finding out about the pain points of the user. I thought there was a missed opportunity as we wanted to know what the pain points were for the community at the Spitalfields farm, so interviewing the farm staff would have been better than interviewing the two tourists who just happened to visit the farm.

Reflecting on how the workshop went, I wish we had come together as a group before doing a pilot test and discussed what the objectives were and whom we were looking for as a participant, then the second group would have focused more on the farm staff and not spent overtime speaking to the tourists. I think if they had done a pilot test, the outcome would have been different and be able to include more participants.

[a-la-campanella]

More thoughts, this time from the trailer directly:

Herta begins by telling us most of the Genius Society members are gone due to Member 4, Polka Kakamond. We're told she killed many of them (said by Herta when interacting with her portrait in Herta's office). Herta then expresses a faux(?) joy at a meeting with who I assume is Ruan Mei? I think it's sarcastic, mostly because of how she says "Oh? Look who's here."

We haven't met a lot of Genius Society members, but it's rather telling that many of them don't have close relationships to each other with Herta herself said to be "very sociable compared to the other odd hermits of the Genius Society" (via Data Bank -> Herta (Character)). I wouldn't be surprised if there was friction between Herta and Ruan Mei; between the two of them, Herta has little interest in anything beyond the scope of what she wants to research, and Ruan Mei seems entirely devoted to her own research. They've come together to collaborate on the Simulated Universe, but people work together on projects all the time and can still have distain for their coworkers.

Although it is also very possible Herta is talking about someone or something else.

When Ruan Mei shows up, she says "It's crucial to mask your expression until you've ascertained the situation. If not... you'll be full of weaknesses that others can see through." With the last line, she seems to smile and then turn her head away, the camera angle cropping out her eyes. Of course Ruan Mei hides herself behind a mask. I don't think she does it maliciously, rather it's a way to help distance herself further from everyone else. She seems a bit out of touch with everything in the Myriad Celestia trailer. Likely, she grew up feeling lonely, and sought her own self-isolation as a way to further her goals.

Dr. Ratio's line, "Do try to think for yourself." He's so annoying, and I love that. I think he's someone who asks a lot of questions to help lead you to in the direction of the right answers, rather than outright telling you what the answer is... he must be fun at parties. I'd expect he's pretty good with young kids though I really can't think of many circumstances where he'll go out of his way to interact with children.

Augh. I'm so happy with Dr. Ratio and Ruan Mei being in the same patch posing as counters between the Genius Society and Intelligentsia Guild. What's the point of being a genius if you work in a vacuum? The Intelligentsia Guild values the sharing of knowledge across the cosmos, and without that mindset, how could the universe band together at all? Of course information is important. So how do you feel about who gets to have it?

There's value in more people being able to contribute to the wealth of knowledge by building on each other's research, and isn't that the spirit of research itself? So many things would be impossible without collaboration. But how do people, like Herta, directly benefit from sharing their research, when their time could be spent on more personally valuable tasks? And besides, many things could go wrong by making the "wrong" information publicly available when there are always people working in bad faith. All kinds of questions arise when you compare the two factions. I think people should come to their own answers about them, and decide why they prefer one over the other.

Anyways, story stuff! "The gods of the starry skies have abandoned the world. Only the wounded savior can bathe the world in the firelight of Destruction. No matter the distance, Annihilation will find you!" Let's break this down.

Gods of the starry skies would be Aeons, the closest entities we know of that would be considered divine.

Rather than abandoning the world, it's be more accurate to say they exist in a dimension of space that's separate from the rest of the universe. They doesn't seem to exist on the same plane as everyone in the rest of the game.

It seems like Asta's been possessed? Girl is going through it.

The wounded savior... unless we're being introduced to some other Destruction-aligned character, I'm going to guess the speaker is referring to the Trailblazer.

"Only" is a curious word to use here. Is there nobody else to sow destruction across all of the cosmos? Maybe this is another factor in "fate's" design.

Whoever is speaking might be from the Annihilation Gang. I'm literally just connecting the dots from "Annihilation" being capitalized in the subtitles and the Annihilation Gang as a faction following the Path of Destruction.

The image of Nous at the end... Nous is searching for the answers to everything in the universe. In a more contextual sense, Nous would be an Aeon said to "abandon the world" upon their ascension, having left the world altogether.

A lot of lore gets dropped in Simulated Universe. Since we're going back in time with SU to a time focusing on the circumstances of Emperor Rubert I, I suppose we're getting parallels to Nous (both being supercomputers) and, what I'm more interested in, the circumstances that allowed Nanook to ascend as an Aeon. The timeline comes together more cleanly when you begin to piece all the history between the Aeons and when things happened relative to each other.

Since the 1.6 update is approaching us, here are my thoughts from the latest livestream!

Huge fan of the recent livestreams featuring the characters (rather than the voice actors) bringing us the news. It makes everything feel so much more immersive and highlights the whole "This program is brought to you by the Interastral Peace Corporation" thing.

As for the upcoming update... Critter Pick looks like it'll be a fun event! It'll be a good way to explore the new areas of Herta Space Station, too. I wish we could keep them as permanent pets; if the Trailblazer unlocks their own room on the Astral Express one day, we could keep the critters as an event memento.

Looking forward to new additions to the Simulated Universe as well. I haven't finished everything about the Swarm yet (mostly because of how time-consuming it is to grind through SU), but having more things to do in-game will make sure I'm never out of options for things to do, I suppose.

I don't particularly care about the new optimizations to Forgotten Hall. My RNG on artifacts is trash, so it's not like the optimizations really help me out. They're more so for players who play by the meta and actually clear all the stages.

The most exciting part of the special program would probably be Sunday as our final special guest. I'm hyped for Penacony! For a number of reasons, but mainly because of the various factions we'll get to see interact with each other. Stories (whether they're events or permanent content) that feature characters from different regions and/or factions crossing roads are always fun! I hope it's like the Genshin events where characters from all kinds of different nations got together in the same scenes, like Hues of the Violet Garden (the Inazuma poetry event from 2.6), the Perilous Trail Archon Quest (ft. the Chasm), Summertime Odyssey (on the islands in 2.8), Windblume's Breath (revisiting Mondstadt's Windblume, 3.5)... you get the idea.

Conceptually, Penacony and The Family sound pretty noteworthy. It's giving cult-like vibes, and something about Sunday feels inherently suspicious, especially in the way he speaks and presents himself.

Penacony/The Reverie as a place "where one may travel freely between reality and Dreamscape"... well, Penacony is the Land of Dreams. It's a place that only exists as a dream, "where time forever stands still" (Data Bank -> Relics; Penacony, Land of Dreams). There's an underlying cruelty to being such a place where everything is in a sense stagnant like that, and I hope the game embraces that wholeheartedly. I'm curious to see how they'll try to approach the themes of "dreams" and "time".

Key players from Penacony are the are five great families and The Reviere - it's possible we won't get to see representatives from all of the families, similar to how we stuck to the Xianzhou Luofu while visiting the Xianzhou Alliance. The representatives we'll definitely see are, according to the livestream:

Sunday (?)

Robin (possibly from the same family as Sunday; hard to say, as she could be referred to as "sister" to keep up the notion of being a Family or as a sign of affection/a close relationship, though she also has wings like Sunday so who knows)

Misha (from The Reviere)

Firefly (from the Iris Family)

Gallagher (from the Bloodhound Family)

From the guestlist, some speculations:

Duke Inferno is going to be someone to pay attention to. The Annihilation Gang isn't the Antimatter Legion, but it does follow Nanook, and anything involving Nanook is going to demand our attention. Besides, he's probably going to be involved in the source of our upcoming conflict what with planning on wrecking chaos in Penacony - so he thinks, "Penacony will just be another pitstop along the way [on the pilgrimage to Destruction]" (Data Bank -> Relics; The Ashblazing Grand Duke). Probably not playable.

Likewise, Stellaron Hunter Sam has to be important... I wonder how much his IPC bounty is. Elio probably told him to go to Penacony, but I wonder why Sam instead of anyone else.

Adventurine? My. IPC representation is always fun. I hope he interacts with the Trailblazers, and that we get more information about Qilpoth from him (though that's rather unlikely). During the cutscene where we fought Cocolia, we obtained Alisa Rand's lance while Qilpoth drew their hammer and seemed to draw their gaze at us. It's possible the Trailblazer is an emanator, but you could argue otherwise too. I'm looking forward to seeing what the IPC thinks about that, if the Trailblazer really is an emanator of Preservation, or Destruction, or anything at all.

Not much to say on Dr. Ratio. He'll be there.

Garden of Recollection memokeeper Black Swan... hey, I wonder if we'll get a reference to the Messenger on the Astral Express, since she's from the same organization.

Sparkle, representing the Masked Fools... I love the Masked Fools, they're so goofy. She's probably here to have a good time, shake up chaos, and be on her way.

Acheron from the Galaxy Rangers? We'll get to see more from another side of Lan's followers.

A bunch of the upcoming characters look interesting. I'm not invested in most of the characters, mainly because their fits look... super uncomfortable. That's a me thing, I don't care about most characters unless their lore piques my interest or I vibe with their outfits. Characters I am interested in, however, and expect to be playable:

I'm partial to Ruan Mei, she seems promising! I do wish that she wore a lab coat, she would absolutely pull it off and it would bring out the scientist part of her character more. (Nobody in this universe seems to care about lab safety with how much skin some of these characters show.)

Sunday for sure. His personality is serving... something. I don't know, I like his voice though. And the wings!

Aventurine looks cute... that's about it. His interaction with Topaz strike me as kinda funny. I want to see more from IPC coworkers, especially when Diamond gets introduced in more depth.

Sam, because mechas go hard, and I want to collect all the Stellaron Hunters.

For the same reason, I'm going to grab Elio (and Kafka on her rerun; skipped for Blade and I already had Jing Yuan to fill the same meta-niche).

Screwllum is a maybe. He's a mecha, but his personality is kinda ehhh for me.

Dr. Ratio! I'm glad he's going to be free. I'm not a fan of the right side of his outfit or his animations and wouldn't feel very happy pulling for him even though I want him. They picked an odd place to show skin and it doesn't really mesh well with the rest of his design. His attack animations are funny but rather boring and there's not much going on. As a character, I genuinely love how obnoxious he sounds. Judging by the 1.6 livestream he and Herta have Beef(TM) for sure... or that might be a Genius Society vs Intelligentsia Guild thing. Either way, it's bound to be interesting.

Misha's cute. His hair looks cute. I hope his personality will be cute, too.

Maybe Robin, if her dress doesn't look too plain. She's a superstar and she'll be singing for us at the festival! Perhaps we'll get a dedicated cut scene, music video, and song sung by her.

They're mostly guys. That's within my expectations. I don't have much investment in a lot of the female characters so far, to be honest. I like March (it's hard not to care about her), the Stellaron Hunter girls, Sushang and Bailu, and everyone else is fine. They're there, they help flesh out the world, but I'm not particularly attached to any of them. I guess you could say the same thing about a substantial portion of the cast in general...

Anyways, these are my thoughts. Looking forward to version 1.6 and hope everyone wins their 50/50s!

[greentrickster]

..dang, was just thinking about the Parable itself in The Ace Parable and Stanley Attorney AU, and what happens after Stanley and the Narrator return to it. Like... Stanley’s got a lot of new areas and items he can mess around with, but they’re still kind of both stuck there.

Except, the thing is, Miles and Phoenix got a lot done in the approximately two weeks they had in the Parable, they came up with new endings much faster than the Narrator ever has. And part of that’s because they were collaborating and having fun together, and I think that’s reflected in the endings they create - these are the first endings the Parable’s had that are meant to end with mutual satisfaction regardless of what choices the ‘protagonist’ makes. Which definitely shakes up the routine a bit, because that’s an even more novel concept in the Parable than the idea of going on the roof or adding stickers or something, normally there’s a struggle between the Narrator and Stanley for who’s going to ‘win’ this ending.

And like... maybe, having gotten to see his character in a new setting, it encourages the Narrator to create more opportunities and options in regards to different things Stanley can do, ways they can interact. Perhaps one day Stanley makes the off-hand comment that it would be nice if the outside part of the Freedom ending was a little longer, so he could enjoy the outside a bit more. That’s one of the things he misses from the AA world, being able to go outside. What if the office had windows you could look out of, wouldn’t that be nice? Add a little more life to the game.

Just the idea that, slowly, over time, instead of struggling against each other, Stanley and the Narrator start working together a bit more to expand the game, see how far they can push it, how long and exciting they can make the endings, how detailed the graphics, how rich the lore, how neatly all the settings can fit together...

And, by the time they really stop and look at what they’ve done, the Parable has become so big, convoluted, and complicated, that the Narrator doesn’t really have control over it anymore, it’s this huge, self-sustaining thing that he and Stanley both exist within and yet created at the same time, and Stanley’s not the only person there, and it’s... strange. Huge. Magnificent. A little terrifying. It works on the rules they made, which can be rather strange rules at times (how can they not be, when Lines (tm) are a popular pet?), but it works. Somehow. There are samurai, and mixed levels of technology, and rain that falls in gentle colours like the Zen room, and characters wandering around making new characters and scenarios, and more buckets than the Narrator really approves of, but still...

It’s enough to take your breath away, really. The sort of project that, if you’d seen the size it would end up when you started it, you would have quit immediately, sure it was impossible, at least for you. The sort of thing that, if you were to try and explore it, could take a lifetime, two- no, three- no, dozens of lifetimes to see every path, find every ending, turn over every stone, with more sprouting out all the time, who has the time to see it all-?!?

Which is probably why it’s a good thing that the end is never, isn’t it? And better still when you’ve got someone you care about to explore it all with you...

And somewhere in the corner of this vast, strange place, there is an office building. If you were to go in and explore a bit, you might find the office of employee 427 (ignore any voices you may hear, they’re not talking to you). It’s a plain, dull room, with a boxy old computer and swivel chair, and a little plaque on the desk. The plaque is made of cardboard, with ‘The Stanley Parable’ written on it in bold, relatively neat black sharpie, beneath which are eleven little golden star stickers, and the smaller words, ‘Excellent world-building.’