#i think i saw someone else make a post about how he became so cagey after that incident

[mitskiluvr]

i am such a sucker for fic/fanart angst about phoenix eating dahlias necklace cause that was actualy insane i know that in the game they made it more light hearted but phoenix was very willing to poison himself cause of the betrayal he felt from dahlia

[some27-url]

💙🎁💔🔪 i hope this is not too much ahaa

Thank you so much for the ask! Not too much at all <3 It was super fun!

[RJ and Leo]

(im choosing to answer these as post inclusions, pre installment 3, which has been tentatively named INTRUSIONS)

���— How do they say/show that they miss their partner?

At this point they don't have a lot of opportunity to miss each other. They are basically joined at the hip. If they are separated for short periods of time, then they are basically inseparable at the end of the day. Leo will hang around him pretty close while he makes/collects dinner for them and afterwards, once they reach the point in the night where he usually has to manually remove her attention from whatever she's working on to go to bed, she goes willingly instead.

🎁— What kind of gifts do they like to give? What do they like receiving?

Neither of these people are very big on actual big beautiful *gifts*. Mac is big on giving acts of service and receiving physical touch, while Nora is huge on words of affirmation. That said, they end up spending so much time together in the space between them really establishing themselves as a couple and him having to leave on his trip that the gift giving is actually almost constant, so they just don't really notice as much when RJ gifts her ammo that he's found or scrap that he wouldn't usually pick up, or when Leo snags a salvaged pair of pants from the growing stockpile at Starlight that would look good on her but would look fucking HOT on him. It's just how they exist for a while 😊

💔— What could their partner do that would absolutely break their heart?

While it makes him a little bit uncomfortable to see her get chummy and flirty around him, RJ can deal. If fact, he usually perceives that as her vying for HIS attention. What he fears from her, and what would absolutely shatter his heart, is if he ever saw her blush or get bashful because someone else was coming onto her. At that point it's not for him, and it's so effective that it's pulled a physical reaction from her. He's tried to get a hold on his jealousy, and when she's flirting superficially it's easy to let go. Not so much if she actually seems interested in someone who isn't him.

RJ and Leo argue a lot. They're both pretty strong willed and intelligent, and they're both leaders at heart, so disagreements don't sit for very long before they're being addressed. RJ's willingness to fight with her and to argue about her more self-destructive tendencies is part of what made her fall for him in the first place. If that ever went away, if he ever became fed up and decided she wasn't worth arguing with anymore, just becoming cagey and passive aggressive about their disagreements instead, she would be absolutely devastated.

🔪— How would they react to injury/misfortune befalling their partner? Do they feel at fault?

I mean.

We've seen RJ in this situation a few times; externally calm and collected while he freaks out internally. He spends so much time worrying about Leo getting hurt that when it happens, all he can think about is taking care of her and making her safe and well again. And it's definitely his fault. Every time.

As of yet, Leo hasn't seen RJ get seriously hurt. If it were ever to happen though, she would feel immense guilt (considering he likely got hurt doing something in her name or whatever) and do everything in her power to get him help.

[Deacon and Whisper]

(these are going to be post Bunny Dear, pre Tit for Tat.)

💙— How do they say/show that they miss their partner?

Again, these two don't have a whole lot of opportunity to miss one another. If they're separated, it's only for the amount of time that it takes for one of them to stock up in a town, or it's because they're undercover separately. If it's the latter and nothing out of the ordinary happened during their op, then they tend to be overly chummy when they come together and start to work on their report/debrief. If the op was on the more intense side, they might breeze through the debrief part so they can get to the part of their day where they are forced by the existence of one measly bed to lay down together and feel the warmth radiating off of one another. Maybe they talk about the mission some more. Likely they don't, instead laying awake in the quiet and listening to each other's breaths until they eventually drop off into uneasy rest.

🎁— What kind of gifts do they like to give? What do they like receiving?

I see this as the love language question. Neither Whisper nor Deacon give physical gifts very often. Their gifts to one another include tidy living spaces and scrubbed clean white t-shirts. They give each other light upbeat banter and fabricated personas in the face of near-constant mortal peril. That said, Whisper has an eye for mundane, average looking wigs for her partner to stash around so he doesn't always have to carry that dusty pompadour with him (he'd never thought to do that really, but now he just keeps that one near HQ so he can pop it on before he goes in to see the crew). Deacon likes to pick up nail polish for his partner. She can't always wear it, it's pretty flashy, but he'll always remember the dark color they'd been painted when he first saw her out of the vault, and if the look on her face when he first gifted her that shade was anything to go by, she remembered it too.

💔— What could their partner do that would absolutely break their heart?

Die. Turn traitor and have to be killed. Leave.

These two obviously don't have the healthiest relationship 😂 but as much as they may try to say that their bullshit is all about avoiding attachment or whatever, they've got it pretty bad. And because their communication about wants needs and boundaries is fucking non-existent they are pretty much begging to get their hearts broken at some point.

🔪— How would they react to injury/misfortune befalling their partner? Do they feel at fault?

If Deacon gets hurt on the job, which doesn't happen often at all, Whisper goes into overdrive to pick up his slack and get them out of there. He's her partner and even though he's got a hell of a lot more experience than her which makes it scary for him to be out of commission she sees it as her duty to step up to the task of securing their safety. The threat of him not being around to shepherd her through the apocalypse is motivation enough to have her obliterating just about everything in her way.

If Whisper gets hurt -

a-

oh boy .

If Whisper gets hurt Deacon will keep his cool mostly. She learns to pick up on it, though. He's still cracking off little one liners and doesn't acknowledge the severity of her injury beyond maybe an "Ouch! That looks like it stung a bit, huh?" But it's pretty evident in the gleam of his eye just how unsettled he gets when she's hurt. For a long time she writes it off as stress, like now he's gotta due double the work because she got herself hurt (and she gets hurt, like, a lot more often than he does.) but over time she starts to see a pattern. She gets hurt. His words don't necessarily change but his vibe goes volatile until they're somewhere they can safely take care of her needs. Once they've made it back to a safehouse for her to recover for a day or two, schedule allowing, he'll make sure she's comfortable before leaving to "check the dead drops." He comes back calm and clean and while it wouldn't be right away, she could count on having a Bunny night soon. What he doesn't ever tell her, because he doesn't quite let himself commit all the details to memory, is that when she gets hurt he shifts into rampage mode to insure that she makes it out of there and once she's somewhere safe and stabilized, he has to take to the ruins to let that violent energy burn out, usually involving a raider camp and some sort of mele weapon in a flash of blood and grit. Afterwards he'll go to the nearest supply cache and clean up before returning to her to sleep off the ordeal - and of course after the firey rage comes the yearning, the need, the dissolution of his cheeky persona into something way too earnest and frightened. Thankfully he's got a process for working that out of his system, too.

Ask me questions about my stories

[realityhelixcreates]

Lasabrjotr Chapter 70: Azure Heart

Chapters: 70/?

Fandom: Thor (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating:

Relationships: Loki x Reader

Characters: Loki (Marvel), Thor (Marvel)

Additional Tags: Post-Endgame: Best Possible Ending (Canon-Divergent), Loki Has The Worst Time,

Summary:  Loki remains who he has always been

Thor was carefully working his beard into a braid when he heard the commotion at his door. Your voice frantically entreating the guard to let you in; which he did. You were one of a handful of individuals he allowed in here at will, and you'd never abused the privilege.

You threw yourself at him, terrified, clutching his arm and babbling about a Frost Giant in your bath room. It seemed you thought that the jotun child had been released from the ice early, and was running around unsupervised.

“Wait a moment.” He said, trying to slow the stream of words. “You saw a little jotun girl in your bath chambers? The ones you share with my brother?”

“Yes! She shouldn't be out yet, not without her guardian! It's not safe!”

“I just want to make sure. Did you see a little girl, or did you see a small Frost Giant?”

“I...well it had to be the kid, right? Frost Giants don't stay small!”

“Alright.” Thor said. “I will go investigate. You go and do what you are supposed to do today, and don't worry about this any further.”

You departed, but reluctantly, and with many entreaties to be kind and gentle to what you were sure was a lost and scared little girl.

Norns, but his brother was being foolish. So secretive, so terrified of the consequences, but he probably wanted you to know, deep down. Thor suspected that whenever Loki slipped, it was because he wanted someone to see, to know something that he was too afraid to say. That somewhere in his subconscious mind, he was tired of keeping this secret.

Thor wanted to build a realm where Loki could be comfortable with the truth of himself. Or at least where he could feel something other than hatred and shame over it. Thor was acutely aware of all the personal failures piled up on his shoulders over the centuries, where his brother was concerned. Some days he waxed furious at his own father, and sometimes even his mother, for keeping this from them both. All the things Thor had said and done pertaining to Frost Giants...and Loki had agreed, and internalized it all, just as Thor had. And it had all come down on him with the crushing force of an unstoppable glacier when he'd found out. And to find out while Thor was banished, and Odin asleep, all his support structures gone, and then to have the entire kingdom thrust upon him at such a vulnerable time...It was no wonder he'd fallen into madness. Would Thor have done any different, had it been him?

No, Thor reflected. No, he probably would have been much worse. Recklessness was a personal flaw he had not quite yet cured himself of. Combine that with madness, and the ultimate power of Asgard behind it...No, things would have gone quite terribly, if it had been him instead.

But if he and Loki had known since they were young...So many things Thor would not have said, have done. So much unnecessary suffering, undone. He dearly loved his father, but all of this had been so wrong.

He found Loki sitting in the bath room, in front of a mirror, blue face in his hands.

“Come to smite me, brother?” He deadpanned.

“Oh, a little bird told me there might be a Frost Giant running loose, but I see only my brother here.”

“So now she does what I tell her. Typical.” Loki grumbled. “She can run quite fast when she's scared, can't she? Then again, who wouldn't? If they saw...this.” He gestured to his reflection in the mirror.

“Actually, she was scared for you.” Thor said. “She though you were the little girl, running around on her own. She was afraid for your safety.”

“The child? Why would she think-oh. Hmph. I don't know if that's better or worse. At least she didn't set the Valkyries on me.”

It must have stung. Yes, he had told you to run, but it must have hurt to see you run from him. To think you were frightened of him. Yet he might still make the best of this.

“You know what you need to do.” Thor said.

Loki sighed. “I know.” He said. He sounded so small.

“You will do fine. I know it.” Thor encouraged. “Just get it out there. I think she will understand.”

“Oh yes? Tell me, how did your last relationship go?”

“Poorly. I made many mistakes, particularly in communicating. I encourage you not to do the same.”

“Hmph.” Loki had faded back to milky pale, and looked just as miserable in that shape as well. “But there's no way around it anymore. She's going to know that there was no child in here. She won't be able to stop thinking about it. If she begins asking around, someone will bring up the play, or just outright tell her. It should be me. I have to do it before anyone else does!”

“That's the spirit!” Thor said. “Now go out there and seize that day!”

“Oh, go away!” Loki threw a towel at him.

                                                                           ******

Bjarkhild dropped your hand and shrugged.

“It looks as if everything has gone back to normal.” She said. “The mark looks the same as the day you were brought here, even though it looked like a fresh brand last night.”

“Maybe because I was with Loki?” You ventured. You both knew that his presence had certain healing effects on you. Bjarkhild heaved a small sigh of frustration.

“I wish I had access to Eir's notes. I don't doubt she had information on magics involvement in healing. But Valhalla has received her, and her knowledge along with her. There is so much to relearn.”

“She was good at this?”

“The very Goddess of Healing. One of Hela's first targets...but I shouldn't speak of it. You are in fine health now, and that's all anyone can really ask for. Now, off with you. I don't doubt you have something to attend to.”

“Lessons, yeah.” You hadn't mentioned to anyone that you'd seen a Frost Giant this morning. Thor had seemed a little weird about it; kinda cagey. You assumed he had some kind of plan, so you shouldn't go around spreading panic.

Instead, you went outside. To the ox pens. There were several of the big animals in there, wandering around aimlessly without a care in the world. Even the crisp chill in the air didn't seem to bother them.

You leaned against the fence, and watched the biggest one, a huge, reddish animal, as he browsed the sparse vegetation. Soon, in just a few weeks, in fact, you would have to watch Loki walk up to this beast with a great big sword, and...

Bright red and bewildered eyes. Desperate red eyes, and bright red blood, and a blue head that rolled...

You turned away from the fence with your hand clapped tight over your mouth. Could you really do this?

You knew where your food came from. The leather you wore. You knew people who kept chickens and sometimes they became soup. You knew these animals were destined to become food-for you or for the worms, or both-but you'd also never been there for the actual moment. You'd seen livestock alive, and then you'd seen them in nice, neat, clean bits that in no way resembled the living animal they'd once been. You were disconnected from the part in between.

Maybe that wasn't such a good thing. You knew that disconnect was what allowed some of the more egregious abusive practices to flourish. You knew it would be better to know, to witness. That it would imbue the seriousness of it all, the respect for the lives in front of you.

Maybe that was why things like this were done? The common folk, the farmers, and hunters, and herders, they would all have that kind of understanding and respect already. They were the ones who looked those animals in the eyes and knew them.

But the merchants and traders, the craftsmen and nobles, the royalty, they would be removed from it. Animal husbandry was unlikely to be part of their daily lives, after all. Was bringing them all together to witness where their feasts came from some kind of attempt to teach them? Was making their royalty act like their farmers a way to remind them what the building blocks of a kingdom really were? Was it a humbling act? A reaffirming one?

You didn't know. Whether it was better or not, you couldn't stop thinking of how much blood there was going to be. Beheading was the quickest, most painless way, you had read. The most humane.

You shuddered, then squeaked in awkward surprise when someone dropped their yellow cloak over your shoulders.

“You shouldn't come outside without one anymore.” Andsvarr said, leaning against the fence next to you. “Last year, it got very, very cold. Too cold for a human or an Asgardian, if you ask me. But the wool they make here is very good. I assume it has to be.”

“Oh, thank you.” You said. “We get blizzards and stuff back home, but nothing like what I assume they get here. Did it snow on Asgard?”

“Yes, but not often, or much. Not like here. How are you feeling? You look unhappy, if you will forgive me.”

“Not great, to be honest. Been dealing with some things.”

“You certainly seemed to be in a state last night! Were you hurt? Bjarkhild didn't tell me. We got your room gathered up, by the way. Your plants will be fine I think, and we even found your little worm friend. He has cocooned himself.”

“Oh good, I'm glad he's okay. I'm glad you're okay too. No, I'm not hurt.” You sighed. “I think my problem is deeper inside. It's him.” You gestured at the huge bull. “I don't want to kill him.”

“The sacrifice? I see. Well don't worry!” Andsvarr began earnestly. “You won't be the one to do it. That will be his High-”

“It doesn't matter! I'm the one who'll be distracting him! He won't even see Loki, he'll be looking at me. And I won't say anything, I won't warn him...”

“Um...The bull would not understand you, even if you did.”

The bull. Right, of course, you were talking about the bull.

“I guess I just feel bad for him. He didn't deserve this. Doesn't.” You were talking about the bull.

Andsvarr gave you an expression of bewildered support. “Would you like to come back inside? I can get you a warm drink? We have that chocolate powder that you put in milk.”

You shouldn't stay out here staring at oxen. It was getting you nowhere.

“Yeah. Some hot chocolate sounds good. I just...I don't want any more shocks for a bit. I just want a moment's calm.”

                                                                       *****

Loki barely ate. Everything tasted like sand and emptiness. Tonight was the night he lost you.

You were in your room right now, helping to clean up and reorganize. A team had already been in there, salvaging what they could, cleaning up the broken glass. They had patched up the wall, but it would need to be repainted, and a new window pane would need to be added to their next order of supplies.

He'd told Brunnhilde to keep a bed ready with the Valkyries. You couldn't sleep in your room until the window was repaired. The temperature would dip to well below freezing in there. And when you inevitably ran from him tonight, like you had this morning, you would need a place to rest.

All he could really hope for was that you would be able to overcome your disgust enough to continue acting as his Seidkona, even if he could no longer hold you, or touch you, or revel in your love.

“You know, she might not even care.” Thor had told him. “Humans can be unpredictable about this sort of thing.”

It hadn't helped. He couldn't dare to hope for that acceptance, not since the broken Bifrost. He had to be ready for the end.

He'd taken this meal alone. As coiled up as his innards were, he couldn't possibly have even faked a conversation. It was like going to his own execution, and he'd already done that!

He let his fork fall to his plate, unable to finish.

He should have told you from the start. Then you would have never loved him, and would feel no betrayal. And without seeing your soul as he had, he might not even have fallen for you. But when would he have told you? When was ever a good time for this confession?

He could hear you down the hall, lamenting a tear in your stuffed fantasy animal. The power of that blast had thankfully not carried far. It had tossed a few things around in his room, and the blast itself had woken him up, but it hadn't reached Thor's chambers. Mostly, it had destroyed your own little room.

He'd see to it that the doll was repaired. You loved the little creature, even though it wasn't real.

Just like you loved the false face he presented to you.

You were leaving now, to fetch dinner with Andsvarr and the maids. You did that occasionally, taking a meal, usually lunch, with the servants, or the cooks, or Frigga's former handmaidens. It seemed that, unlike all the peasant princesses of the tales, you didn't want to forget where you came from. He could respect that; he, and much of Asgard was in a similar situation. Besides, it was good for you to get to know the people, and for them to get to know you.

But what if one of them told you before he did? Frigga's handmaidens especially liked to talk among themselves, and between them, they knew practically everything about every Asgardian alive. But you understood a great deal more of the language now, and if one of them let it slip in idle conversation, you might be able to pick it up.

He wanted control of this situation. At least the tiny amount of control it took to be the one to say those words to you. He wanted at least that.

There was a tiny knock at his chamber doors, just barely perceptible. The only one left, Loki answered it. As if summoned by his thoughts, Lofn stood in the hallway.

Loki eyed her warily. Of all his mother's handmaidens, Lofn was the hardest for him to understand. She seemed to him to perceive two different worlds at once, the world of the soul revealed itself to her as to no other. She saw all the intricacies of emotion and the truth in people's spirits, though she seldom said much, and what she did say didn't always make immediate sense. Still, it was always best to heed her advice.

Also, she was sometimes just compelled to do things that seemed odd or random, and right now she was holding out a long coat in a style he preferred. It was blue, however, the sky blue his mother used to wear.

“I have made this for you.” She said, with that dreamy, yet cunning expression of hers. “It feels like there are things you need to remember. That you have always been you, no matter what coat you are wearing. And that every crawling, wriggling, screaming creature is born worthy of love and care. I held you, as a baby, though you don't remember. But I saw it.”

She shook the coat, urging him to take it. He did. It was light and warm as he slung it around his shoulders; a perfect fit. Somehow, she always knew.

She didn't wait for thanks, or any answer at all really, just nodded and walked away.

How did she know these things? Did she look across the world and see his distress? How long had she been working on this coat?

He had always been him. Well, of course he had. He hadn't ever stopped being a Frost Giant, no matter what shape he took. That was part of the problem.

The mirror in his room had broken, but hadn't been replaced yet. He looked at himself with his new coat, his reflection shattered into many facets. All those faces, but only one of them was real.

The light blue didn't really suit him, but he liked the coat anyway. It reminded him of his mother, how she used to hold him, envelop him in the folds of her dress and make him feel safe. Of the books she read to him, and the stories she told. The magic she taught him and the little jokes.

If he squinted just right, he could almost pretend it was her in the myriad panes of mirror, drawing him into warm memory. Dinners together, as a family, when he was just a boy. How she knew all along, but had loved him anyway. She should have told him, they should have told him, but her love was never in doubt. She wanted to protect him, and had made the unequivocally wrong choice in her attempt to do so, but she did love him.

He even remembered the way Odin used to hold his hand with the same care and pride he had for Thor, all three of them walking from corridor to grand corridor, to meals, to classes, to bed. How he spoke to them of so many things, trying to raise them both. Like a real family.

Loki's eyes burned, his throat tight. He wanted it. After everything that had happened, he just wanted that more than anything. Why couldn't he have had that? What had changed?

Odin had been his father, had acted like it, at least when he was young! What had changed? Was it disappointment at the emergence of his Aesir nature-as god of mischief, deceit and lies? Was it that Laufey had failed to die or be deposed by his people after the war, thus making it more difficult to install Loki as a suitable replacement? Odin had raised him too, to be a king. Had he simply grown frustrated that he would be saddled with a tiny, deformed Frost Giant for longer than he had anticipated? Had he grown too competent? Or not enough?

He had always been him. Even before he knew. Running around the palace as a little boy, chasing after his big brother almost from the moment he could walk. Filching snacks from the kitchens, and crying over scraped knees. Trying to climb on things he shouldn't. Practicing his magic by changing Thor's clothes into dresses, attempting to elicit any kind of reaction from stoic Hogun, causing strange odors to arise from Fandral's ever-flapping mouth, teasing Volstagg about his increasing waist and family size. Even attempting to cut Sif's hair as a prank. Oh, he had known woman's wrath then!

All follies of youth. He missed them. Maybe they had never truly been his friends, but he missed them all the same.

He missed you too. He missed you, and he hadn't even lost you yet. He was mourning for you, for what was about to happen. When you saw who he really was.

Who he had always been. You didn't even know. In the run of things, you barely knew him at all.

You barely knew him. Who he had always been. You didn't know.

You didn't know about Frost Giants.

You didn't know about Frost Giants like Asgard thought it knew about Frost Giants Didn't know about him, about who he'd always been.

About a little boy who chased a little girl with a pair of scissors, until she punched him in the face and knocked him down, and he laughed to be beaten at his own game. A youth running from his enraged older brother, who tripped over his own skirts in the attempt to catch him. Who burned with a touch of envy when his chubby friend married young and had babies on the way almost instantly. Who always looked upwards and forwards.

He had always only been him. Frost Giant or Asgardian, always him. Loki. Always Loki.

You knew Loki.

You would come back tonight, and he would tell you this terrible thing. He was still terrified that you would leave, but you deserved to know. You knew the side of him that wanted to provide what you deserved. You knew that part of him, and more importantly, you trusted that part of him. He cherished that trust, and wanted to reward it with trust of his own. He would tell you, and accept whatever came of it.

He would be who he'd always been.

[glovesaved]

          ( jack gilinsky , cis male , he / him, 22 ) no way ! i swear i saw 𝐍𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐍 𝐋𝐈𝐁𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍 walking down danforth avenue ! i just saw a post about them on 6secrets ! i think it said something like “ 𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐅𝐒 𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑 𝐆𝐎𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐒𝐄𝐓 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐌𝐘𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋 ”. isn’t that wild ? i guess that makes sense since they’re apparently 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐄 and 𝐔𝐍𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆. fans will claim that they’re 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 and 𝐎𝐁𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐀𝐍𝐓.  i mean , it’s not like i know them personally — they’re a famous 𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐅𝐒 𝐆𝐎𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄 . whenever i think of them, i think of 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐋𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐃𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐑, 𝐒𝐎𝐅𝐓 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐒 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐍𝐎 𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐈𝐒 𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆, & 𝐀 𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐊 𝐈𝐍 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐑𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐊 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐌𝐔𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐑 . i wish i would have asked for an autograph ! ( ollie, they / them, 22, est ).

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘:

— nolan’s childhood is fairly normal. born to middle class parents in calgary, skating and playing hockey from a young age. he never had to struggle much in his life, save for his parents’ separation when he was twelve, but even that ended well enough. he was always good at reading people, and though it stung at first, he understood.

— he started his hockey career as a forward, until one of his youth teams lacked a goalie when one of his teammates moved away and nolan volunteered himself to fill the spot. ever since that moment he was in love with the position.

— and the truth was though he was a good forward, he was an even better goalie. with reflexes like a cat, observational skills off the charts, he soon settled into net like he belonged there ( and soon, people were saying nothing else ).

— he was drafted to the everette silvertips in the whl when he was 16 where he continued to blossom and grow, setting franchise and league records including a shutout in his first career start and being named chl goalie of the year. and when his draft year in 2016 came, he was taken in the second round by the toronto maple leafs.

— he returned to everette for two more seasons. in 2017-18 collecting the accolades of whl player of the year, whl goalie of the year, and chl goalie of the year ( for the second time, being the first in chl to do so ). he finished with a 116-46-19 record, 2.01 GAA, 0.927 sv%, and 26 shutouts ( tied for most in chl history ).

— he started the next season with the toronto marlies, his next step in development. however, he was unexpectedly called up in december after one of the leafs goalies was placed on injured reserved. to his surprised, they decided to play him in the very next game which he won, becoming the youngest goaltender in over a decade to win his debut and the youngest in leafs history. he proceeded to record four straight wins before the age of 21, the first goalie to do so in over a decade. he was never sent back down to the marlies.

— the next season ( this past one ), saw him become the youngest in leafs history to record a shutout and slowly begin to claim his place as starter by march. he was pivotal in the leafs playoff run, though they were ultimately eliminated in the first round by boston to the surprise of no one.

— he spent much of the off-season in calgary with his family and doing off-season training there, though he recently returned in mid-august to prepare of the upcoming season.

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂:

— his role on the ice is incredibly high pressure no doubt, but he finds facing the toronto media far more intimidating. toronto is a city that cares very deeply for its team and though that is a good thing, it’s easy to feel stifled and under a microscope under all the scrutiny.

— has two gold ( 2015 18u, 2018 world juniors ) and two silver medals ( 2017 world juniors, 2019 worlds ), all for team canada

— “they see him, get lost in his beautiful eyes and forget how to play hockey.” since nolan has carter’s career claim, i’m claiming this conspiracy for him too ( basically, carter faced two fluke shoot out attempts : one where the player completely missed picking up that puck at center ice and another that lost it halfway to the net — both very very rare things to happen at the nhl level ) 

— jewish

— 6′2″. dark brown hair, light brown eyes. doesn’t smile an awful lot, but when he does and does genuinely you get the sense akin to the sun coming out from behind a cloud.

— i should put more here but honestly i’m figuring him out as i go

— oh that “mystery girl” in his headline is probs like a cousin or something aha

— should also mention he is bi on dl

— considered a bit of an enigma considering how little people know about him

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘:

— on the ice, nolan is the picture perfect image of focus, dark eyes and a look that could murder if anyone gets too close to him. and for a long time, who he was on the ice and who he was off it weren’t the same thing, but over time those lines began to blur and more and more he was dragging who he was on the ice off it too. the result was an increasingly withdrawn boy which only became worse when his prospect rankings began to rise and his looks only got more handsome. he retreated into the most familiar emotional armor he knew : the one he wore on the ice.

— he’s deeply private, hating to share much of his personal life though he does maintain an instagram on which he occasionally takes pleasure in posting cryptic photos just to confuse people.

— nolan is someone who requires a lot to get to him. he can keep a calm demeanor for an incredibly long time before he cracks, not surprising for someone who holds a position as stressful as his.

— despite his more withdrawn and quiet tendencies, he’s not exactly an asshole. he interacts with his fans courteously enough and doesn’t go out of his way to make anyone else’s life tougher. that being said, a lifetime in goal and as of late plenty of time off it has perfected a damn good death glare that he will use to keep people from talking to him if he has to.

— a man of few words, it’s rare to really get nolan chatty. only his closest friends and teammates succeed at this, otherwise small talk and frivolity often will result in silence. but nolan speaks plenty in actions, certainly someone who places a lot more value in a smile or kind gesture than any verbal expression.

— he’s not nearly as tough as his cagey eyes and stoic exterior would suggest, at heart perhaps a lonely boy who’s thrown up so many walls that he finds it difficult to truly connect with anyone.

𝐎𝐎𝐂:

          hello friends... anyone remember noah from six 1.0 ?? well, i basically just made another goalie with carter ha/rt’s career claim 😔😔😔. anyway, i still hate the leafs and i hope six-verse leafs have a better defense than irl leafs, if not then my boy truly has the patience of a saint.

[ah17hh]

Long but hopefully clear story and request for thoughts, a Tl;Dr at the bottom via /r/polyamory

Long but hopefully clear story and request for thoughts, a Tl;Dr at the bottom

Thanks for the assist, team. I'm here because my monogamous friends think I opened myself up to this problem for being poly, therapists don't get it and i could use the input of some actual poly people. It's long for context but I try to keep it clear and concise.

My (34F) primary partner (35M) and I have been together for almost 10 years and have been open for 7 of them. We were active members of the sex positive community in our area (Bay if that matters). We had good poly role models from the beginning, mostly through a mutual close friend who made suggestions when we became more involved years ago- have check ins, write out some rules, be willing to discuss what is working.. etc. . I was the one who suggested opening and it developed from there. I've always been poly-leaning. There have been communication issues within our relationship that of course bled over into our communication re: poly. My partner wasn't good about keeping up with looking over our rules, etc, so that we could check in. I would bring it up and he would just say everything was good and he liked the rules we had. Okay.

basic rules that didn't change much which included: you can go out on dates on your own even though we started going out with couples and going to parties, you don't have to have permission before you sleep with someone on the date but if it happens, and it's going to keep happening the other person has to know, the person you're seeing must know you have a primary partner and be honest about your situation, if theres a rule you don't like we can talk about it. So there was a lot of leeway but basic fundamentals - no one is a secret, no secret relationships, no sleepovers initially but discussable.

It's important to know that I'm a dentist (don't be scared!) and he teaches history at a local college.

So, a year and a half ago a mutual friend came to me and said that she discovered my partner had "brought a student to a sex party." Turns out it was a student from the prior semester (didn't know that at the time), not an active student, but she had just turned 18, and she told my friend that she and my partner saw each other sometimes, that she thought I was his ex though we still lived together. My friend, who I trust, told me, because it concerned her for multiple reasons.

I confronted my partner. I asked if he brought her to a party. He said no he didn't bring her - but he knew who I was talking about, that they had discussed the party because she was interested in the sex positive scene, that she wasn't his student anymore, that he told her about the party, that she went, they met up at the party and that they had sex there. I was hurt because there were some other issues with his job at the college at the time, during the discussion of which he told me, when asked, that he had never been involved with a student. That she wasn't his student "at the time" felt like semantics. He said that they saw each other rarely and intermittently over a few months, and he cut it off.

Still, we stayed together. It was difficult for me to process. Prior to this happening, and during the time it was happening, I often felt like he was judging me for dating, and he would act very moody and get grumpy or tit for tat when I was out doing things I found enjoyable with others. Texts about my being out late, acting cold and distant or interrupting me with other people at parties. I found myself policing my activities because he seemed to not enjoy the dating and I felt like i was hurting him. So I kept it to a once in a blue moon activity because he wasn't dating anyone other than the occasional meetup so I read the room and stuck mostly to parties which he seemed to enjoy a lot. So finding out that he had someone he was seeing during all that felt very hypocritical. He promised to go to therapy, which he didn't do for almost a year. 3 months after, i discovered they were still speaking casually over e-mail because I didn't demand they stop. I demanded it. They stopped. I did my best to figure out what to do. We were supposed to have a life together, kids, all that good stuff. I dealt with knowing she was coming to parties in my community and now had mutual friends, I did not make a public scene, I tried to focus on making myself happy and waiting for him to do the work on us since I believed he would, because he was sorry.

6 months into this ordeal, I started dating a friend while we were on vacation together (my primary does not like to travel so i go alone or with friends) As soon as we came home I told my primary partner. It was important to me that no one be a secret. I don't want revenge, we've all made mistakes in the past, my self included. For the last year I have been upfront about my other partner. My primary said it was okay but acted cold and hostile towards him. I told my primary that because i had limited myself in the past, i needed him to tell me clearly in check ins not angry behavior how things were working. I allowed his attitude to make me constantly anxious around time with my other partner. Constantly worried about getting home early enough, or if we spoke too much, etc etc, because he seemed bothered by it. I almost just stopped myself, but remembered how that went the last time. My primary's behavior for himself seemed at odds with his behavior towards me. I brought up the relationship in conversations, they knew each other, but in the end, I discovered that my primary "put up with" the relationship because he felt like he "couldn't say no because he did something bad." He started asking why I would be with someone else who put so much energy and time into me and that he would only be okay if he found another woman to focus on. My secondary partner knew about my primary and had the aim, as did I, of an open and honest situation. My primary made me feel like i couldn't even pick up the phone when my other partner called without getting side eye. I am very cued into him even when he's subtle. My primary expected me to not cut it off, but to not physically see my other partner. I informed him that, had he spoken to me truthfully, I would not have developed another relationship that is extremely important to me with someone who was incredibly supportive and fun and kind. That announcing that he didn't like it was cruel. But also, i knew if I continued to focus on my other partner, it would be a mess and just distract me from finally managing my feelings about my primary . My other partner decided they did not want to be part of this toxic dynamic and so as long as my primary is in the picture, they don't want to be around. I do not blame them. How I feel about hurting them is a completely different post. My primary and I are now in more extensive therapy and i am also in therapy dealing with , well, a lot of anger.

So this brings me to today. These are the negatives, but there are positives. My partner and I have a lovely time together, live well together, intellectually stimulate each other, work well as a team in many aspects. I have worked and am still working to move past something that happened 2 years ago and see how much he wants to have kids right now and start our family and move forward.

We had another therapy session during which it was decided that, in order to help me move on, he would finally answer questions for me about who/what/when/how in regards to the girl he was with, because in the past when I asked questions i got cagey answers, or contradictory ones that just made me feel like more was being hidden. So i asked questions. And I got answers after some struggle. I discovered that they saw each other once a week for months, that even though they were together "20-30" times he didn't consider it "dating" - though when I said 30 is a lot of times that's dating! he backpedaled and said well maybe 15. maybe not even once a week, maybe once every other week? Sigh.... He said that their first meeting was in a hotel after lunch not at a party, that he would lie about going out with friends and go to her which is how he saw her most times, and that he even slept over at her apartment a handful of times, i don't recall what lies he told me to do that or how. I work a lot. So.

So: even though it's been 2 years, I feel like finding out the truth about the extent of the lying and the regularity of their seeing each other has made the wound fresh. I feel like I wasn't given the opportunity to actually get over the thing he did 2 years ago. That I worked very hard to move forward based on the information he gave me and that information was false. He denies that there were others, only says that some other students hit on him in the past and it made him uncomfortable, but never told me about it.

Is this new information? Or am I still just not over the shock? He says it was casual, and that he felt like we were just "spinning our wheels" at the time he did it and he wanted to move forward and have a family and we weren't. He says it wasn't important at all, but i feel like lying to that extent in an open relationship feels.... huge. Is this new information actually worth getting upset about? Why can't I just move past it and be happy? In the past there were women he talked to that I didn't really know about until he would ask about going on a date, but those felt like poor communication moments. This feels like a long-term lie. When he says he doesn't remember many details, I find it hard to believe considering the fact that I had absolutely zero idea that this was what was going on.

What can I do? My friends will just say leave. My monogamous friends say I brought this on myself by opening us up. Do I seem like I"m just nursing old wounds and enjoying a fresh bit of lemon on them for self pity? I have no clarity and it sucks. Any advice on how to get past this and just be freaking happy would be goddamn great.

TL;DR - 2 years ago my (34F) primary partner (35M) of 10 years hid that he was sleeping with a woman (18F) who he met in the history class he was teaching the semester before when she had been a student in his class. A mutual friend told me after she discovered this information while meeting the girl at an event. My partner told me he told her about the sex positive community parties when she asked, they hooked up there, and a few times after, infrequently, and then broke it off. They talked over email till I discovered they were still casually talking and then that stopped when I asked. I have tried to move on, we have seen a therapist together on and off x 7 months, really starting in earnest 3 months ago. In therapy this week. I just learned that they actually went to a hotel for sex after their first date for lunch the summer after the class, that he saw her about once a week or every other week for months (he claims anywhere between 15-30 dates depending on the sentences), slept over at her apartment sometimes, and lied to me about where he was and who he was with every time he saw her. Now I feel like I stayed in this relationship after working to get past an explanation of events which were also a lie! Is this a new wound? or is it just that i'm still upset about the old one and this new information isn't terribly new or enlightening and i'm just having a pity party?

Submitted August 22, 2020 at 09:53AM by ThrowawayAnonymous78 via reddit https://ift.tt/3hmiLu6