#i think i might need to start taking my other meds again on top of these ones

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

[er-osion]

Stay (in my life)

pairing: Jason Todd x gn!Reader

summary: Red Hood comes back to your apartment for a patch job again, but his injuries are a bit more severe this time so he accepts your offer to stay over

word count: 4.3k

warnings: blood, fairly detailed descriptions of injuries, fluff

author’s note: sorry this one’s a little long ya’ll, i got a bit carried away. hope you guys enjoy. you can read part one here.

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“Holy shit, you look terrible!” You gasp as you take in Red Hood’s battered form as he clumsily steps over to your couch.

“Thanks, you look great too.” Hood grits out in reply as he slumps into the cushions. You hurry to grab your med kit and rush over beside him.

“You’re getting blood all over my couch, Hood.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’m really good at getting stains out.”

“I hope you’re also really good at surviving what appears to be multiple stab wounds and severe burns.”

“You’d laugh at that statement if you knew my background.”

“We’re gonna have to move this to the bathroom, I need better lighting and access to the sink.”

“I just sat down.” Hood exasperated.

“You know it’s not far.” You rolled your eyes at his words but couldn’t fight the rising anxiety at his condition. On instinct, you got up and held out your hand for him to take. Hood moved his head to look at your hand.

“Considering my size and condition, I don’t think you’re gonna be much help getting me off this couch by yourself.” He noted, unimpressed.

You narrowed your eyes at him but kept your hand where it was, “It’s more the sentiment. However, in your condition you might very well need all the help you can get walking the short distance to my bathroom.” Hood paused but set his gloved hand in yours. It was dirty with dust and what you assumed was blood and gripped tightly, probably more so than he realized, but you paid no mind with your thoughts wrapped up in Hood’s less than favorable state. The vigilante got up slowly from your couch and he wobbled to and fro once he was on his feet. The two of you started to move carefully to your bathroom, which was just down the hall, but Hood seemed to be more injured than you initially thought because his knees suddenly became weak and you both had to make a combined effort to catch him.

“Did you hit your head tonight?” You ask as Hood tried to restabilize himself.

“You asking if I have a concussion?” Hood responded.

“That’s exactly what I’m asking, yes.”

“It’s highly probable. I was thrown against a cement wall pretty hard.” Hood moved and wrapped one of his large arms around your shoulder for more support, immediately putting more of his weight onto you. The man was heavy beyond belief, but he did his best not to pile his muscle mass on top of you. The arm around your shoulders was secure and his hand gripped the fabric of your t-shirt tightly. Hood groaned while he settled more into you and you began walking again. Despite your rampant mind, your heart hammered in your chest at the contact and you felt the skin touching his arm dance. By some miracle, the two of you made it to your bathroom, and you did your best to help Red Hood down onto the floor in front of your bathtub.

“Can you just start listing off all your possible injuries while I get all my supplies out?” You asked Hood while you opened the first aid kit. Hood complied, and started listing off all the places he suspected was injured during his patrol tonight. You noticed, though, that his words sometimes got slurred and his sentences kept drifting off —in other words, he didn’t seem all there. “Are you sure you don’t have a concussion?” You probed.

“Told you, it’s very possible. What do you think, doc?” Hood shot back.

“In all honesty, I suspect you have a concussion. Maybe not a severe one, but a concussion is still bad no matter the level. How does your head feel, where it got hit?”

“It hurts.”

“No shit Sherlock, but I was hoping for a more detailed answer.”

“I guess it’s kind of a dull pain? Not like a migraine, but it also hurts in my neck and back of the head.”

“Okay, I think we need to deal with your head first.” You stopped when you realized the implications of your words. You’d need his helmet off to examine his head for any open wounds, you’d never seen Red Hood with his helmet off. Hood seemed to realize this at the same time since you saw him tense suddenly. Neither of you moved or said anything for a couple seconds, trying to figure out how to proceed. You quickly tried to remedy the awkwardness, “Look, I know I’m not supposed to see your face, I’m just concerned about your head but the last thing I want to do right now is push your boundaries, so if taking off the helmet is a no-go we’ll figure something else out.”

Red Hood shook his head, “No, you’re right, as usual. I trust you won’t go mouthing off about what the Red Hood’s face looks like.” He teased as he moved his hand up toward his helmet. You heard a clicking noise and a quiet hiss and felt your body still with anticipation. Hood slowly removed the helmet and you saw him peel off a domino mask underneath.

When his face was bare and uncovered in front of you, you let out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding. He’s beautiful. Red Hood was the most gorgeous man you’d ever seen. His eyes a mystifying swirl of green and blue, dim with exhaustion but there was still this inexplicable unnatural glow to them. His hair —while slightly matted from the helmet— looked deliciously soft, the color of the night sky with a bold white streak at the front. There was a long thin scar connecting one of his eyebrows to his pale pink lips. You were speechless as you took in Hood’s face, trying to wrap your head around how someone could look that goddamn beautiful. It really wasn’t fair. Your heart was racing out of your chest and you were having trouble maintaining a steady breath while you gazed at his features. Red Hood noticed your stare and shifted a little uncomfortably under your gaze, his gemstone eyes gluing themselves to the ground.

“You gonna stare at my face all night, or are you gonna fix me up?” His voice snapped you back to reality.

“Right right, sorry. I just… wasn’t expecting to finally learn what you looked like tonight… got caught up in the surprise I guess.” You tried to cover your embarrassment and scooched closer so you could examine his head. You looked around and felt very gently for any bumps or wounds. “Hood, you’re bleeding at the back of your head.” The worry in your voice was prominent.

“That would help explain the dizziness.”

Your lips pulled into a line and you started to clean his head wound as carefully as you could, and then wrapped it gently with a bandage. You then made the vigilante promise not to fall asleep on you while you worked on the rest of his injuries. The rest of his body made the head injury look like a splinter. Multiple abrasions were littered across his torso, the molested skin was red with blood and irritation. You could see small bits of debris lodged in the surface of his cuts and abdomen. The slashes on his arms were in a similar state. As if the knife assaults weren’t enough, spots of his body were marred with blistering burns the color of bright red and white. Your heart stung at the obvious pain your hero must be in. No one deserved this, especially not Hood. Your eyebrows furrowed deeper with concern and your frown carved further into your face.

You were startled out of your thoughts when a thumb brushed between your eyebrows, forcing the furrow to even out. You blinked, and shot your gaze up to the owner of the hand. Hood was looking at you with green eyes that were clouded with emotions you couldn’t pinpoint. He had been frowning, but when you locked eyes, the edge of his lips quirked upward ever so slightly. “Keep that face up and you’ll get wrinkles before you’re thirty.” He teased as his thumb once again brushed between your brows, to further his point.

You huffed and shook your head slightly, but not too much to force his hand off of your face. “Keep coming here on the brink of death at 2 am and I definitely will.” You fired back with the ghost of a smirk. Neither of you felt the need to say anything more, Hood’s hand lingered at the top of your head for a brief moment before he retracted it back to his side. You instantly missed the contact. But, you turned your attention back to the task at hand and began caring for Hood’s various other injuries. You used tweezers to fish out the pebbles that had burrowed into his skin and then cleaned the subsequent areas with water and your saline solution. You looked at each cut to determine if it needed stitches or not. For the ones that did, you warned Hood of your plans each time and made extra careful work of numbing the areas before stitching his wounds neatly and efficiently.

Jason watched you in a daze. He could never get over how well you handled everything. Even though he knew you were worried and filled with anxiety, you worked calmly and with composure. You were focused and didn’t let your fears rule your movements, something he greatly appreciated as the one with the injuries. Jason hadn’t planned for any of this to happen. He hadn’t planned for tonight’s ambush to go so wrong, he hadn’t planned to hobble into your apartment nearly blind with pain and dizziness, and he certainly hadn’t planned to take both of his masks off in front of you. Sure, the two of you had been getting closer as of late. After your offer to host him even on nights he wasn’t injured, Jason had been showing up to your apartment a couple nights out of the week to make dinner and watch tv with you. In the past few weeks, Jason had been relishing in the change in your dynamic. Just existing in the same space as you put Jason’s head into a flurry, but in the most exciting way. The best part of his day has been visiting you these last few weeks. And of course, each time he’s entered your place he’s thought about removing the helmet and allowing you to get closer to him in a way he hasn’t let anyone in years. But each time, he’s stopped himself in fear. Fear of what exactly? Fear of putting you in danger, fear of scaring you, fear of disappointing you. Jason Tood would not be able to handle it if any of those things occurred. But there’s no time like the present, as they say. At least you didn’t flinch when you saw him. He couldn’t exactly figure out what you were thinking (whether it was positive or negative) but it wasn’t disgust he saw on your face, so a win is a win.

The black-haired man is suddenly overtaken with words and spits out without realizing, “I’m Jason, by the way.”

You freeze and look up at him questioningly. “I’m sorry?”

“My name, it’s Jason.”

“Oh! Okay, Jason…” You test the weight of his name on your tongue, “Jason, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” You conclude with a genuine smile.

Jason’s entire stomach has just done at least 20 flips. His heart is beating so hard and loud in his chest he hopes you don’t hear it. The man never knew a person could say his name so sweetly. He never knew his name could be uttered without any hint of malice by someone outside of his family. Your pronunciation of his name is echoing in his mind like bells to a dizzying effect. He’s been a fool. He’s been such an idiot. How could he let fear prevent him from lifting his helmet and telling you his name, when he could’ve been hearing the beautiful way you say it all this time? Jason realizes he’s left you verbally hanging for a good minute just staring, so he clears his throat and adverts his eyes. “The pleasure is all mine.” When Jason looks back at you, he sees your smile is still plastered on your face and it gives him a strange sense of pride.

“I want you to know though, I know the mask was probably a lot tonight. I don’t want to force you to say or give up anything for my sake, I’m the one treating you. I’m so glad you trust me enough with your face and name, but I don’t want you to think I need it to help you, Jason. I’d fix you up even if you came in here one day as a bat-Frankenstein.” You’re worried you might’ve pushed him too far tonight. You don’t want Ho—Jason, to think you’re only out to discover his secret identity. You want him to understand that you’d care for him no matter the circumstances, whether you knew his face and name or not.

All at once, Jason felt his throat close up and tears brimming his eyes. Do you know what your words mean to him? Do you know how instantly you make him feel loved? Jason is so certain he is undeserving of your kindness and understanding, but here you are giving it to him freely. Will you ever understand the effect you have on him? How you heal pieces of his soul he thought long shattered. Jason’s full, pink lips quiver into a small smile. A smile of profound gratitude, appreciation, and sadness.

“Angel, it’s long overdue. You’re right on one thing though, I do trust you. I trust you far more than my colleagues would probably advise, but I do so anyway because I can’t do anything else. I keep invading your life in sharp broken pieces and asking you to pick me up off the floor, even at risk of hurting yourself. Yet, you do it each time with a grace Shakespeare wishes he could write about. The fact I want you to understand is that; if I didn’t want you to see my face or know my name, you wouldn’t. End of story. But that’s not the case, so it isn’t the end of the story. You’re not pushing me. And to know that you’d fix me up even if I did end up a bat-Frankenstein, is some of the most relieving news I’ve had all month.” Jason had to end his monologue with a small tease, worried his vulnerability would be too obvious without it. You listen to his words with so much intent you’ve forgotten the rest of the world. An invisible hand is squeezing your heart to the point it hurts. You can only take shallow breaths and you feel as though you might tear up.

“Well then, let’s finish fixing you up.” Your words come out barely a whisper and you go back to tending to his wounds. But neither of you can ignore the change in the air. The swift shift into a heavy lull that keeps a smile on both of your faces. You realize you’ll be done treating him soon and a wave of panic rises in you. He can’t leave now, not after everything we just left unsaid. But he leaves every time I finish taking care of him, without wasting a second. Then, an idea comes to mind. One you’ve conjured up multiple times in the past but never really entertained because of its unlikeliness to occur. It’s a risk, for sure. It’s very possible you mess it up and ruin the evening, but things have gone smoothly thus far and the success has given you a boost in confidence. Plus, you are still majorly concerned for his health, so you brave the question once you’ve completed the last bandage.

“I’m done wrapping your injuries, but that in no way means you’re recovered. I know you’re probably anxious to get back to your safe house or whatever, but you’re a severe liability in your condition.”

“So what do you suggest?” Jason asks with a skeptically raised eyebrow.

“…Um well, I was going to offer —and it’s perfectly acceptable if you say no— but I was going to offer you stay over here for the night, to have somewhere to lie down without having to brave Gotham at night with a concussion and several broken ribs.” You refused to meet Jason’s eyes as you offered him to stay the night, so you missed how they widened in surprise and then lit with anticipation.

“Yeah that— um, I—” Jason coughed awkwardly, something you’ve never seen him do but find endearing, “I mean yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Not sure I could make it a block without collapsing. But you uh— you sure you don’t mind?” Jason’s voice softens in volume at the end of his query.

“I wouldn’t be offering if I did.”

“Fair point.” You smiled at his acceptance of your invitation, secretly giddy at the idea of him spending the night. “But um, I don’t really have anything for you to change into.”

“Understandable. I have my compression shorts on though so I’ll be fine.” Jason assures you and you nod your head. You then help him up off of the bathroom floor. Jason once again lays his arm around your shoulders for support and your stomach twists into knots. The two of you say nothing as you move toward your bedroom. Jason helps open the door with his free arm so you can shimmy your two bodies through the opening. Jason suddenly feels very awkward and misplaced inside. He’s never seen your room before, and to do so now feels so intimate it makes him light headed. This is the most personal space in your entire apartment and it is just now striking Jason that this is where he’ll be sleeping since you don’t have a guest room. Too lost in his racing thoughts, the vigilante doesn’t notice you’ve helped him to sit down on the edge of your bed. You reluctantly pull away from his grip around your shoulders to go turn on your bedside lamp, immediately feeling the absence of his body heat. Jason is pulled back into reality at the loss of contact and is hit with the need to say something but he searches for words with no avail.

It’s you who breaks the silence in a quiet but firm voice, instinctively not wanting to ruin the quiet air of the room. “You can sleep in here tonight. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything. If you get thirsty or hungry please help yourself to anything in my kitchen. The bedroom door locks too, just in case that’d make you more comfortable. Like I said though, if you need anything just come grab me, I’ll be on the couch.” You turn to leave him in privacy, but Jason quickly speaks up.

“You’re gonna sleep on the couch?” He asks incredulously.

“Well that is the only other option.” You affirmed with a raised eyebrow.

“No no no. It’s your house, you can sleep in your bed. I’ll take the couch.” Jason started to get up, but you could see him straining with each movement. You rushed over and gently but forcefully pushed him to sit back on the bed.

“Yeah, no. You are the one who’s severely injured, I’m not letting you sleep on a couch in your state. I really don’t mind anyways, it’s just one night.”

“Well I refuse to make you sleep on a couch in your own home, you already sacrifice enough just letting me in here.” You were about to protest his use of the word ‘sacrifice’ before Jason continued, with a suggestion that made you still. “We could… we could share the bed? I mean— it’s big enough for two people and we’re both apparently too stubborn to let the other one sleep in the living room.” Jason’s lake green eyes scanned your face for any sign of disgust or hesitation, his palms felt sweaty and he suddenly felt like an idiot for even suggesting such a thing.

You were frozen, the cogs turning in your head at the implications of his offer. Your heart was racing. The two of you sleep in the same bed? You had just learned his name, and now you two would be sharing a bed? You tried to stop yourself from feeling so excited at the idea. Jason took your silence for uncertainty and continued blabbering, “We’re both adults, right? I don’t mean anything by it, I just— I don’t want you getting a bad night's sleep on your couch, and your stubborn ass clearly won’t let me sleep anywhere that isn’t a real bed so… I don’t know, maybe it was a dumb suggestion. You can forget about it, I’ll take the couch—”

You interrupted him with a burst, shaking your hands in front of you to keep Jason from getting up. “Oh, no no no. It’s fine, it's fine. Really, it’s cool. We can— we can share the bed I don’t mind. It’s a smart idea. Just, ya know, be careful with your stitches and bandages. I’d hate for you to worsen any injuries in your sleep.” You tried to sound calm and collected, but really you were shaking with excitement and nerves. Jason just nodded slowly, still looking a little unsure at your agreement, but he moved to step out of his armor anyway.

You walked over to your side of the bed, and started fiddling with random nick nacks on your nightstand to try and appear busy while Jason got undressed behind you. Lord almighty, it was taking every ounce of your strength not to look behind you and oogle at what you knew were rippling muscles. “Focus, gotta get through this night without making a fool of yourself.” You thought as you felt the bed dip on the other side, signaling Jason was ready to sleep.

With that, you turned the lamp off and slipped underneath the covers. Jason copied you wordlessly and you both laid in the dark, staring at the ceiling in silence. The air was so thick with tension it was near suffocating, but the two of you were too scared to speak and break the spell of the night. You unconsciously let out a little sigh and turned on your side so your back was facing Jason. You closed your eyes to try and force yourself to sleep, but your mind was hyper vigilant at this point. You could feel the bed dipping to accommodate Jason’s gigantic form on the other side. You weren’t used to sharing this space with anyone, and the fact that you could feel his breath through the mattress had your mind in a frenzy. You were fighting every fiber of your being that was telling you —no, begging you to move closer to the man beside you.

Jason was pleading with the universe in hopes that you couldn’t hear how his heart was thundering in his chest. For someone who’s lying down, his breathing sure is quick. Jason thought this would be enough. Just having you near by, occupying the same space, he thought that’d be enough to satisfy his urge to be near you. But for some goddamn reason, it’s making it worse. How can you be so close yet so far? How much closer can he get before he crosses a line? Jason blames his exhaustion for his next move.

Out of nowhere, you feel something heavy curl around your waist. Your eyes pop open in surprise, and you have to force your body to be still. Jason uses the arm draped across your middle to pull you closer to him. Your back presses against his solid chest and you forget what it was ever like to be cold. You can feel warmth seeping into your skin from every point of contact between the two of you. You can feel each breath Jason takes pushing into your back and you can feel the speeding rhythm of his heart, which you’re sure is close to the speed of your own. Your lips have curled into a smile and you’re fighting off a sigh of contentment.

“Is—is this okay?” Jason’s question comes out in an unsure whisper. If you hadn’t been so close you wouldn’t have heard him.

“Yeah, this is okay.” You reassure at an equal volume, worried that being any louder would shatter the moment. Your smile has evolved into a full on grin.

“Okay.” Jason mutters and then presses his head into the curve of your neck. His muscular arm tightens around your waist and his hand grips your shirt gently. You subconsciously shuffle further into him, though, you didn’t think there was anyway you could physically get any closer. Still, any space left between the two of you was eliminated. Your two breaths became one as your heartbeats synced up. You could feel Jason’s warm breath against your neck and it sent shivers down your spine. Jason felt so warm and happy, here with you in his arms. Holding you felt like a reward he didn’t deserve. He only hopes he’ll be able to do this again…and again, and again, and again.

You’ve never felt so safe as you do in Jason’s arms. It’s almost euphoric, being like this with him. You never want this moment to end, but the warmth of Jason’s embrace is quickly dragging you under the spell of sleep. You hope you wake up with him in the morning, you hope this isn’t a dream. You two have probably crossed some sort of line tonight, not that either of you care right now. The unclear nature of your relationship with the vigilante is something for you to wrestle with in the morning. For now, you’ll fall asleep wrapped in Jason’s arms, with the happy thought that he’ll surely be coming back to do this again.

[whirlwindimagines]

Vash stitching up a wound on his s/o and just him taking care of them! Please and thank you!

First, I just wanted to say ugh I’m not good with medical stuff lol I have no idea how stitches work! So, I tried my best, but here ya go! Also established relationship, because I said so!

'If something's wrong, you can count on me'

Vash x Reader

You don’t know how long you’ve been sitting here in this hotel bathroom with a rag pressed to your brow. Vash didn’t say much when he left you here in search of a med kit, just to keep pressure on the cut, so that’s just what you plan to do. It was a good cut, the knife had barely missed your eye, instead slicing perfectly over your eyebrow and up to your temple. The fight had happened quickly as they always do, you hadn’t even realized you were bleeding until Vash frantically started fussing over you. 

With a sigh, you lean back against the sink, pressing the rag harder into the wound. It stings but it's something to focus on, other than the fact that one this will probably leave a scar, and two…. Vash might need to stitch it, and the thought of stitches on your face like that? Gave you the shivers. 

Vash walked into the bathroom with a slight smile, holding the med kit up like a trophy, “Front desk had one!” he said cheerfully, but you can tell by the slight rise of his voice that he’s just putting on a show for you. He’s upset about this, you getting hurt. It's not like it was even really your fault, and you doubt he’s actually upset at you, more so the whole situation. Vash places the med kit on the counter, and then pats the counter, “Here sit up here.” 

You do what you are told, nerves a little all over to place to argue, he helps you up on the counter, and you spread your legs to accommodate him so he can step closer. “Do you think it will scar?” it's not that your mind, but you don’t know what else to say to him. Carefully Vash grabs your wrist to remove the rag, and he gives you a small smile, “Maybe a little one, but you’ll look just as beautiful” his tone is soft, and you can’t help but roll your eyes good-naturedly. 

He was better at this, the softer moments… the sweetness. It was all still so new, and it sometimes made you nervous. “Haha.” You huff out, as he works on cleaning the wound, it stings, but you let him do what he has to. It's quiet again, but it’s not uncomfortable by any means. You ask your next dreaded question, “Will it need stitches?” he pauses, he seems to be thinking his answer over, before giving you a sheepish smile. “Oh…just a few.” You groan leaning back and away, but he doesn’t let you get far with a gentle hand on your shoulder. 

“I promise to be as gentle as possible!” Vash reassures quickly, you know he knows how to stitch a wound, that’s not the problem, you trust him…you’re just a little squeamish when it came to needles is all. With another groan you close your eyes, you do not want to see the needle coming towards your face! And place your hands on top of your thighs clenching them into fists. “Just be quick.” Is all you have to say, Vash places a hand over one of yours squeezing it lightly, “I promise to be very careful with your pretty face.” 

“Compliments will get you nowhere.” You reply, but you are glad he is simply trying to lighten the mood. As he pulls back with a soft laugh, getting all the supplies ready, you keep your eyes closed. You don’t know how long he takes to get ready, feels like an eternity before he pats your hand again, it’s the only warning you get when you feel the slight pinch of the needle going through your skin, it makes your breath hitch. 

“Don’t worry, you are doing just fine Stardust.” He reassures, making sure to keep talking to you during the whole ordeal. You are definitely not listening, your hands shaking and trying not to think about a needle going through your skin, as promised it doesn’t take him very long and you're thankful for it.   

“Are you done?” You ask, still not wanting to open your eyes, you don’t know if you’ll be able to handle seeing the stitches in your face, the thought makes you a little sick. “Just let me put a bandage over it,” Vash replies softly, he is very gentle as he covers the stitches with a bandage, you are just glad that it’s all over. You hear Vash place things around the counter, and then your breath hitches when he places his hands on either side of your face and brings you in for a soft kiss. 

Letting out a surprised, but pleased hum you lean in to continue the kiss. Once he pulls back you open your eyes, Vash is looking at you gently, leaning in to kiss the bandage lightly which gets a laugh out of you. Hopping off the counter, you turn to face the sink to look in the mirror. Leaning your hands on the sink to look closer at yourself. “Doesn’t look too bad, does it?” 

Vash wraps his arms around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder. “Not at all, see I told you I would do a good job!” You meet his eyes through the mirror, it's not like you ever doubted him, you were just…nervous about the whole ordeal in general. Vash kisses your shoulder, he doesn’t say anything for a second, just holding you carefully. 

“I don’t like seeing you hurt,” Vash whispers, you don’t say anything for a moment, it was a stupid accident, and neither of you even started the fight this time. It was just the wrong place at the wrong time, that was it. Sighing you think about what to say, “It’s just a small cut Vash, nothing to worry about, it will heal with time.” You tell him gently, Vash just hums holding you tight. You just let him hold you for as long as he needs. Before he pulls back, placing a kiss on the side of your head. 

“Let's just lay down for the rest of the night,” Vash says pulling you out of the bathroom and towards, and how could you refuse that? You let Vash lead you over to the bed helping you settle down in the bed, it's not like you need him to do all this. But you know it makes Vash feel better, taking care of you like this, so you just let him. 

Once both of you were settled on the bed, Vash pulls you close to himself, just holding you in his arms. You can’t help but smile resting your head on his chest, as Vash runs a hand through your hair. “Thank you.” You say softly, for stitching up your wound, to taking care of you, just all of it “You don’t thank me.” Vash replies placing a kiss on the top of your head. 

“I want to take care of you, it puts me at ease.” He continues softly, and his sweet words make your heart race just a little bit faster. Unsure what to say, you just wrap your arms around his waist just keeping as close as possible to him, the two of you hold each other in silence. You can’t keep the smile off your face, as you just enjoy being held by Vash. Yeah, the knife to the face hurt a lot, but ending the night like this? It was just perfect.  

[cosmic-ships]

Oops :) Gets real under the cut. It's nothing bad though! <3 turns into a gush post near the end~ It's a little long so I get it if no one reads it but I like to voice my thoughts that's all.

Top of the list he goes. He deserves to be there. Not only are his scenes at the end of IX helping me to overcome my fear of thunder and lightning. There's something else.

A few years ago I lost a certain spark. Every ounce of creativity and passion I had shattered. I was always chasing the next "big f/o" that would spark that passion again, that creativity. I never found it and I got depressed for a little bit because I thought I would never find a love as grand as I had before. So my storytelling became nonexistent, I stopped drawing, and the endless thoughts I used to have were replaced with an endless emptiness so I went quiet. I gave up trying to chase something that I thought would never happen again. I was slowly losing myself

I spent a last few years yes, self-shipping and yes don't get me wrong I love all of my f/o but there was something missing, I didn't feel the need to scream every two second about how much I love them, there was just something "off" with myself. I couldn't voice it or the anons would come with their pitchforks "You don't really love your f/o" plus it was hard to put into words. How can you love your f/o but still feel that something is missing?

cut to my sick ass lazing on the couch in the present time. I get an idea, "Hey I haven't watched the Star Wars movies in like...forever- maybe I'll re-watch them all.. then there are the newer ones I haven't seen yet." So I start watching the movies. I had a few interruptions when I was watching VII and VIII but I kept on watching. I thought Kylo Ren's lightsaber was so badass but at the time thought nothing much of Ben himself.

As the days went on I decided to rewatch VII VIII and IX because of said past interruptions be it people or my sick ass having to take meds and stuff. As I do with most things I watch the second time I really consume it. I noticed something. Something different. The very first time Kylo took his helmet off I felt it the feeling that started in my chest and radiated to my stomach.. butterflies? He spoke and there was no distortion from his mask as he wasn't wearing it and I felt my heart skip a bit. what the hell?

the more I watched the more I learned, the more I learned the more I started to fall in love. Do I condone some of the things he's done? No. Do I still love him? Absolutely. After the movies I sort of just sat there on my couch, looking at my own reflection of the tv. "wow, I like Ben huh?" I said to myself then I shrugged. "Ah, fleeting crush and maybe an f/o" Throughout the rest of the day however I couldn't stop thinking about him. Everything from his appearance to how he talked and how he carried himself.

So I decided to run with it. Would it be one of those f/o where I say I'm crushing and nothing happens? Or maybe it will be like my other recent f/o Alex? Talk about him for a little bit but then the fixation dies almost as quickly as it started?

Neither of that happened. I got flooded with endless thoughts, and ideas. Ideas for moodboards, playlists, art.

I got attached to Ben so much, it's hard to explain it but I feel connected to him in a way that I never thought was possible for me ever again. He makes me genuinely smile and I don't mean just smile with my mouth but makes me smile with my eyes. He makes me blush and laugh and feel like I'm on top of the world in such a euphoric state. I actually feel like we're together- like actually. I know it sounds insane but I have every bit of real emotion for Ben. I feel well- in love.

I said I love all my other f/o too and its true and this might sound terrible and believe me I've thought myself as a terrible person but the love I hold for Ben is higher and so much more different than the love I have for the others..

I thought he'd be like a shooting star. A moment of fun but he'd fade away just as fast as he came into my life.

I'm thankful that wasn't the case. He managed to do what I thought wasn't ever gonna happen to me again. He reignited my spark and love and appreciation. I can't say the last time I smiled this much irl and how much I've had my heartbeat fast and the tint rise to my cheeks.

I guess in short...

Ben makes me feel like I'm alive again.

<- I'm trying so hard not to cry as I talk about this but I mean it's true, I've had so much bullshit happen in my life. I've survived so many hardships and awful people. I forgot what feeling alive was, I thought my new normal was to not expect happiness because it will be met with tragedy and I'll be back at square one. Alone and fighting demons in my mind.

Ben has reignited my heart and I am forever grateful for him, I love him so much already and I hold him so incredibly dear. He makes me feel strong, and loved, and passionate- I love him with my entire soul. So deeply that the love extends past the words themselves. It's so much deeper.

If you read this far thank you <3 It means a lot to me. Thanks for listening to me coherently ramble for once.

[greenconverses]

Recently read: And it's time to start another year of reading wrap-ups! I set my goal to 80 again for the year and have decided to start book journaling, so maybe I'll have more insight for you this time around other than "I liked it! Next!"

No Way Down: Life and Death On K2 by Graham Bowley was a super engaging audiobook - I think I finished it within two days because it was so interesting! While I liked it, the writing just didn't engage me like other mountaineering books have, so it gets a slightly lower score. I've watched documentaries about the 2008 K2 disaster, so not a lot of information in here was super new to me, but if this is your first time hearing about it, it'll be a thorough read/listen. (★★★.75)

Duke Most Wanted was a flop. I thought the other two books in this series were fun, if simple, romances, but this one just bored me to death. Did not buy the romance or the hero's turnaround from being a drunk reprobate in a few weeks. Also, Lenora Bell really likes using (and overusing) similes and metaphors related to her heroine's passion/interest, and it became pretty obnoxious in this book. (★★)

I really wanted to like The Duchess Takes a Husband more than I did because Harper St. George is one of my favorite new historical romance authors, but some of the magic was lacking in this book as compared to the other three in the series. I liked the leads, but their romances could've used some more development. (★★★.5)

Astor: The Rise and Fall of an American Fortune gets a star because of ACoop's audiobook narration, but this wasn't as strong as his Vanderbilt book. It's not a particularly thorough history of the Astor family and it becomes more about their legacy and cultural impact in later chapters, but I think it's a good intro to New York and the Gilded Age. (★★★.5)

Finally broke down and got new Kate Bateman books! A Wicked Game was simply fun. Loved the characters and the writing style; Bateman knows how to write effective and delightful banter! I finished this while high on various pain meds (whee root canal) so I might need to do a re-read to properly appreciate the final third, but I was very satsified overall. (★★★★)

Please welcome A Demon's Guide to Wooing a Witch to the top of my DNF pile for the year! God, what an insipid piece of nonsense this was. I was hoping this would maybe course correct the issues I had with the first Glimmer Falls book because we'd be dealing with the dastardly villain and the angry best friend getting paired up... but no! I should have quit this book the second said angry best friend slammed some harassing dude's head into the bar 20 or so pages in (proportional response! learn it!) but instead I toughed it out to about 40% where everyone got into a bar fight for ~fun~ and decided NO MORE. Stop giving me shitty paranormal romances with weird, half-baked acceptance politics storylines that you have to spell out like your readers are five my god. (★)

[not-poignant]

It's that time of year again! Hammered out a modest (for me) word count of 472k over the year, with December's reflecting my overall burnout. Finished Falling Falling Stars, started another story to get addicted to (Underline the Black and friends), and overall it's been a great year for emotionally authentic writing! (My yearly wordcount does not include: worldbuilding, outlining, planning, multiple drafts (only the first draft of a chapter is included), or half-chapters since I *only* count completed chapters. It's a bit unconventional, but having a monthly wordcount where I only count completed chapters has been working for me for years now!)

This has been the first year in a little while that I haven't hit 500k, which I think reflects both a desire to spend more time relaxing and resting between writing, but also being absolutely smashed with a lot of new medical diagnoses and appointments, and being often too burnt out to write at all.

Next year doesn't look much better on the medical front, and may indeed be a lot worse. Being diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), T2 Diabetes (50% of the people with my permacancer get T2 diabetes which only goes into remission upon removal of the tumours, but my tumours are inoperable, so my T2D can't go into remission) and possibly Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension (PAH) on top of all my other disorders each came as huge blows. One of the saddest being learning I may never be able to take ADHD meds again, and having to stop after a very amazing 3 months where I could schedule writing ahead for the first time in my life, and plan a holiday for December.

There will be no more Schedules going forward, that was sadly a 'medicated ADHD' blessing, and it's gone now. :(

So going forward into 2023 I don't know what writing I will be doing or what I will achieve. I don't know if I can continue writing the way I have been, and if I get an official confirmation on the PAH (so far it's only CT confirmed), and only have around 5~ years left to live, my writing future could look very different indeed.

But it's business as usual in the meantime.

This year I am the most broke I have ever been on the medical front (I have no health insurance, and only some of our healthcare is free, which doesn't include psychiatry, or the calibre of therapy I need, and now that I need to see a private pulmonologist and possibly engage in lung rehabilitation, things might get pretty awful pretty fast). I have never been more grateful to all the folks who have supported or who are still supporting on Patreon or who have given to Ko-Fi.

I love everyone who is in this little community, but for the ones who kept me financially afloat so I didn't drown, thank you.

[icharchivist]

so little insanity moment i hope you'll excuse me a sec, related to Mystery Blorbo.

so yesterday i had a Icha Insanity Level 10 Moment where i kinda spiraled down crying and all about Mystery Blorbo literally all day that led me, as one does, to spam my bestie who knows about them 30 messages including at least 3 different homemade memes i've made about them, while i also collected various pictures again of Mystery Blorbo.

And, as a normal person does, i realized i could make a collage of the pictures i had in my files about them and put it on my wall.

so i start selecting which pictures i want to print in a word document (it takes 22 pages, i put multiple pictures by pages tho) and then look for my Blu-Tack (? google translation says it's how you say it the paste that fixes papers on wall) but i can't find it for the life of mine.

so i figure my masterplan has to wait, and ideally, while i go buy some Blu-Tack to a stationary store, i might as well use their printers to print pictures bc my own is bad with colors in general.

except as one does, it obviously haunts me all night, and i wake up uneased thinking i need to at least find the Blu-Tack today. Plus i need to do some restock on meds and grocery shopping anyway.

I prepare myself to go, and since my family just decided to annoy me today, i needed some comfort and i put my little custom made Mystery Blorbo plush in my bag to accompany me, but then i realize it's Sunday, and on top of that, a holiday, so the majority of stores are closed.

I figure my plans have to wait tomorrow. But for some reasons, i'm in full state of unrest. I can't focus on anything i just want to go hunt for it.

So i figure, screw it for the stationary shop, i can find some Blu-Tack on some hyperstore, and a couple of them are still opened today (ironically, not the one closest to my home that i would have gone to otherwise, so i have to look for an unusual store for it). So here starts my quest for it.

I blast my Mystery Blorbo's playlist in my ears (as i always do), and i go out full of Mystery Blorbo's thoughts in the quest of Blu-Tack so i can hang Mystery Blorbo's pictures in my living room.

First store i go to, where the Blu-Tack is next to cooking objects, they ran out of Blu-Tack. Shame.

I decide not to give up though and start going through more stores. 2nd Store i go, where the item is near the bathroom supplies? no luck either.

I think about going to a 3rd store at the opposite of the city, because one of the other bigger store i could go to is usually closed on Sunday. But, while i'm way underway, halfway between the store i disregarded and the store i was going to, i have a slight moment of "but i should check if it's REALLY closed though", and turns my feet around to check that store.

what i didn't consider is that today being a holiday where we usually consume a specific cake -- the store in question was actually opened. to sell emergency cakes.

When i go to this store, i usually go to the floor with food on it, so i never linger on parts of the store with utility objects, which is two floors above. but i know my way to it, and i move up.

And so i move to the Blu-Tack corner. Which is, unlike every place i've been before, in a corner with various hobbies related things surrounding the aisle.

and legit just next to it, there's an item i can't enter into details about --- related to Mystery Blorbo, that has no business being here, that i legit ALMOST BOUGHT ONLINE TWO WEEKS AGO. AND THEN I DIDNT. BECAUSE I THOUGHT HAVING IT DELIVERED HERE WOULD BE A PAIN. and also the one store i found it on wasn't really trustworthy.

literally JUST NEXT to the Blu-Tack. JUST next to it. Like ONE STEP away of distance from it. I could see it from standing in front of the Blu-Tack.

And i'm trying to keep it vague because the less you know about it the better for me (don't try to guess please), but it's not something i expected to find here. Like, it's not from something i'd expect to find easily in stores. And the item in question is also supposed to be pretty niche and only found in very specific stores, but this specific version was not on shelves last time i checked because it wasn't popular even in its niche.

I had a demented plan of making a collage of Mystery Blorbo, then had a nice so full of unrest i remade my whole plan, improvised because today everything is closed and nothing should have been doable, went to stores where i wouldn't have found the item that happened to have ran out of Blu-Tack, thought about going to a store THAT IS USUALLY CLOSED on Sunday and is only opened for the holiday, on an aisle i don't even usually come CLOSE to, to find the fucking Blu-Tack that started my journey, all that while blasting my Mystery Blorbo songs and holding my Mystery Blorbo plush in my bag, and it's at the end of this absolutely insane journey i found an item i've been CONVEYING that i was told wouldn't be found on here because it's too niche to be there, RIGHT. HERE.

Am i insane or is this insane. Like i remind you the whole thing with Mystery Blorbo is that they first started appearing in my dreams out of nowhere, haunting me, giving me legit fever dreams when i didn't buy something about them i found so much so i almost sleptwalk my way into going to buy it 4 TIMES in the same night, that i learnt they've showed up multiple times in the last decade of my life at various moments that made me curious in them but not enough to get into their stuff, that i had actual magazines full of articles that talked about him at my mom's place, hell pretty recently i also found times in my childhood (very early) where i almost got into something adjacent to it (my bestie says it counts because when i recalled the details she was crying laughing at how specific it was), also while i happen to own stuff related to the motif linked to this character from waayy before that, and much more things i can't even start to point out to lest i remove the mystery all together---

And then after another unrestful night thinking about them and making insane plans about them, which i was supposed to postpone but was too unrestful to postpone, i fucking find. This thing. in the most crazy level of circumstances there is.

also another layer is that i've been talking about the item to my bestie and was lamenting how more expensive it was online (esp with delivery fees) than in store, and my bestie, bless her soul, had had plans to find it for me ------- but she couldn't find it anywhere online. (like i tried to dissuade her but she's too sweet)

(small explanation to friend about my reasons for finding it)

(the typos are kept for autenticity as i was in a hurry, on my phone, and also genuinely shaking)

so long story short i'm adding this to the list of "i think Mystery Blorbo is haunting me because this is not normal" that keeps growing every single day. i feel ill.

[emeritus-fuckers]

DD Sars headcanons

DD plays guitar in the band, just like Mary (who also does vocals, of course).

He's a trans man. He's gotten top surgery, but doesn't feel like getting bottom surgery.

Does not leave the bed on the first day of his period. Too painful.

E. brings him painkillers when it happens.

For some reason, it's his spine that hurts the most. Not his stomach.

Doesn't like tampons.

He's fucking mean.

Not just on his period, he's fucking mean in general.

And while he is a bit nicer than he was when they first made the band, he's still mean as fuck.

But he is also incredibly protective of his friends. To the point where it looks like he's possessive of them.

He does not trust anyone new at first.

While it takes time to gain his trust, it's actually easy to make him like you.

But don't think it matters. He's gonna be mean no matter what.

Even when he's being nice, he's nice in such a mean way.

Sure, you can hug him, but he's gonna call you a fucking weirdo.

Yeah, he brought you food, but only because you're stupid and apparently can't take care of yourself.

Yeah, he noticed you being sleepy, but he wants you to go to bed because you annoy him when you're like this.

Don't you ever say he's not that mean, that he's actually kind of nice or anything like that. He'll call you fucking insane and yell at you.

If you keep pushing, he might actually slap you or even punch you if you really get on his nerves. He doesn't do that unprovoked, only when someone is hurting people he holds dear or seriously managed to make him mad.

If he really likes you (if you two are dating of if you're really close to other Repugnant members), he'll manage to restrain himself and he'll storm out instead. But he must really like you to hold back.

You've probably figured it out by now, but yeah, he's got serious anger issues. Smokes at least one joint every day to calm himself down. Usually Mary joins him for weed smoking sessions. Mostly because Mary made it their personal goal to never waste an opportunity to get high, but also because these two are particularly close.

He was the most touched after Mary's ritual. Screaming, crying, hitting... It took at least three solid hours before he was somewhat capable of having an actual conversation with them.

DD's on meds. Lots oof meds. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder... Lots of meds.

When they first made the band, he was off meds for a year. He was a fucking nightmare.

One time got so bad he made G. have a panic attack. Mary got into a fistfight with DD over it while E. tried to calm G. down.

DD got his ass kicked by Mary that day and was forced to apologize to G. the next day.

His "apology" was just saying "I don't hate you" and leaving.

Mary and G. never found out that it was actually E. who managed to convince him to start taking his meds again.

In his defense, he had terrible childhood and developed the whole "I hate everyone" attitude as a defense mechanism.

He's had incredibly shitty parents, so he doesn't really talk about his family. Aside from G., who sometimes talks about his siblings, none of the Repugnant members talk about their biological families.

In his free time, DD likes to scam people online. That's where Repugnant gets half of their budget. The rest is Mary's OnlyFans.

DD's favorite movie is the original Nightmare on Elm Street. He's the biggest fan of slasher films in the band.

I need him to sit on my face. Just one chance, DD. Please.

~

Written by Jez

Taglist: Taglist: @thermodynamic-comedian @copias-fluffy-asscheeks @lunarsromantichomicide @randodummy @tuttifuckinfruttifriday @spicyshortsimp

[consoledacup]

Hey, hey, hey

Just pulled up to my safe space to discuss all things jordayla after 6x03. Have to tell you Mac is officially in my top 3. I have been wanting Jordan to have a guy that believes in him and actually sees him forever, still undecided about whether or not I think he will enter the draft but I'm so happy that he has a fair chance and even if he walks away he can do so on his own terms and not feeling like he isn't good enough. I'm not sure that Mac's intentions are completely pure but for now I think their interests are aligned and I'm happy for my boy.

I also feel like we've gained traction on Layla's mental health arc, loved that she was able to see that she feels numb and I don't think it's her meds because we've seen her elated while she was on her meds and I also don't think she believes herself either I think it's easier to have an external excuse like meds because she's isn't ready to process the conflicting feelings she has about the wedding. I also want her to take her time processing because it is confusing to expect to be elated but also feel sadness/grieve, fear and anxiety about something that you want. I also think this is her first major milestone aside from prom/graduation without her mom and she's going to have to reconcile that for most milestones in her life she'll probably always have these conflicting feelings she just has to sit in them and process them and I think that needs to take as long as it needs to take. I understand that this processing will hurt Jordan this time because he is completely out of the loop and I'm sad for him but I also understand that she's mostly trying to protect his feelings and also isn't ready for an honest conversation because if she had to start one with Jordan I don't think she'll be able to use meds as an excuse for how she feels he is usually able to ask direct questions that spark honesty with herself and him.

I think their break up will be necessary because as much jordayla is usually pretty healthy they are clenching a bit too tightly to one another that it's gotten a bit unhealthy, because as much as it seems that Layla doesn't cares about the wedding I actually think part of why she is avoiding processing her feelings is because she knows they are going to hurt Jordan she needs to learn to prioritise herself because a healthy Layla is exactly who is unlikely to intentionally hurt Jordan. Hopefully she remembers Jordan's advice in 4x01 about the pain only being for the moment but the healing is for a lifetime. I also think Jordan needs to focus on his own individual life/path and not be entirely consumed by his relationship, I love that he loves her so much but I also want him to have hobbies, other friends, experiences and a full life and share that with her. So I think they need to answer the question of what losing the other would be like in order for them to get back to a healthy place again.

I also don't think Ryan is interested in Layla and vice versa, I just see colleagues interacting and yes it might include a few personal conversations which is common when you work closely with people but yes Layla might need to check her boundaries as she would for any other relationship. I do see how Ryan is necessary for Layal to have an inconsequential honest conversation with someone who isn't part of her life, I also see how Jordan will view this relationship as a threat.

All in all love where they are going I will be found in the trenches for the next few episodes but I love the story that they are telling for these two characters individually and as a couple, it's so relatable and real life I could not have asked for a better season 6 plot so far, apologies for being in my thesis bag.

Hey, hey, hey!

Lots of insightful thoughts I agree with!

Do you think their breakup is inevitable? I don’t. I think they can work through this. Layla just needs to open up to him.

She’s sacrificing her needs because she thinks Jordan needs a happy fiancée. What’s ironic is her keeping them from him is doing far more harm.

I think there’s a chance Ryan has a thing for her. I want Ryan to go. Suggesting that she wean back on her meds? Absolutely not. I was furious.

And while I appreciate that she has an outlet in Ryan, I hate that it’s him. I think her avoiding talking about her meds with Jordan, Olivia, even Spencer, Patience, Asher, Coop, Jaymee… it’s not great. And Ryan’s just the worst.

I love that you love their arc. The scenes can be uncomfy at times, but I like it too. And think it’s necessary for their story.

<3

[alo-piss-trancy]

Btw even if I don't check in here as often as I used to, I really do appreciate all of you who stick with this blog anyways c': Especially since I barely post anything 'kinky' myself anymore. So this is mostly just a gaming/media rant and personal blog now oops

In some ways I'm definitely better off than I was a few years ago, but I've also been dealing with a lot of chaos in my life and household and it doesn't look like it's gonna get fixed very soon. Mix of financial, physical health of me and family I've been heavily assisting, house things in desperate need of repair...

On top of that I've been starting to realize I might actually have developed some form of Agoraphobia from all that time I was housebound before... and other stuff, but I think that was probably the main contributor. I'm still looking into it but with how a lot of the other things I've tried to cope haven't helped, meds don't seem to touch it much, and it seems to be getting worse, it's looking more and more likely than I'd like to admit. Which sucks bc it's also going to be hard af to keep up with working to treat it with Exposure or smth if I'm buried in all the above stuff/have limited transport/places to even go. It's really freaking hard when I do rarely go out and the anxiety/illness makes it so much worse. There've been times I've had to give up and go back early after like, an hour bc I was vomiting/crippled with pain/on the verge of fainting... and that's been happening more often. Like 1 in every 3 times, and I may only get out 3 times a month at the worst points.

Idk. I'm trying. I'm keeping up with the bare minimum rn and that's all I can really say lol

Also the only problem that's actually relevant to kink blog: my drive is still at 0 or even the negatives bc I can't get my medication sorted out bc my appointments got pushed back AGAIN ☠️ So yeah. That's why there has been no writing or hc posts and will not probably be for a WHILE. On God, it's about as appealing to me as eating dry cardboard 😔 Trying to write or draw anything fun is like pulling teeth and if I won't enjoy the end result then I'm not gonna bother RIP. When I get that sorted out maybe I can finally touch my poor WIP pile again 😭

Uh yeah so. That's why I've been so absent for like... forever. I do miss checking in here but I also get in my own head sometimes about posting when I'm not 'providing' anything this blog was intended for. Which I realise is dumb bc it's MY blog and if I want to rant about video games only for like a year straight then I'm allowed to. But brains are Fun like that 🥲

For what it's worth I'm not in like, a fullblown mental crisis so please don't worry about that! I'm not in any immediate danger or smth! I do have some other hobbies I've been keeping up with and socialising in other spaces. And I've been reading. So I promise I'm not in a complete isolated depression pit 💛 Life could definitely be better and I def have some rough days, but I have been trying to take some baby steps to either fix things or keep myself sane at least lol

Idk I just felt like I should explain why I've been mostly gone for ages off and on. I do lurk here sometimes to peek at things even if I don't have the energy to show myself. But I do really appreciate anyone who sends asks or comments on my ao3 or just reads my ramblings lol 💛 Even when I can't respond immediately I still treasure the gesture and it makes me happy to see some of the same names around in my notifs/dash c': So thank you~

[sillyrabbit81]

Hey there Bunny, how ya doin? Been a while since I stopped by to say Hi and check up on a fellow Aussie. Ive been lurking around but haven't seen you on my dash for a while. RUOK?? Always around to lend an ear, if you need one to hear. Big squishy hugs 💜💜💜

Hey!

Thank you for reaching out. Thats really kind of you.

I haven't been around as much lately. But I am doing okay. I have had a few people asking me similar things lately so, I might just let it all out here and tell people whats going on.

IRL things have been a lot for me lately and I just haven't had the time/headspace to be as active. Plus, if I have an hour or two to sit at my computer, I'm usually using that time to write (or stare at the doc and force out 50 words LOL).

The IRL stuff is mostly about my kids, but I also have had issues lately with my own mood regulation and other issues. Turns out I have Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which I tell people is basically like PMS but on Liver King levels of steroids. I think I've had symptoms of this for a couple of years, but its recently gotten much worse and I have seen an endocrinologist recently and started a treatment plan that will hopefully help, but it will take a couple of months before I will see any results.

I don't generally talk publicly about my family. Mainly because I feel like my blog and writing is my safe haven, a place for just me. But there has been a lot going on lately so maybe it will make me feel better to talk about it real quick. A lot of people who I talk to in chat/DMs already know most of this anyway.

Both my kids and my husband are on the Autism Spectrum.

My son is 13 and just started high school, so that has been a tough transition for him. He has been involved in a couple of incidents that has resulted in his suspension. Supporting him through that has been tricky and dealing with the school and trying to get the right supports in place for him has also been a slog.

My daughter is 8 and she requires a lot of support at school. She really struggles at school and so there is a lot of time spent ensuring she gets the supports she needs. On top of that, about 6 months ago she had a tonic-clonic seizure that was quite serious and lasted for over 10 minutes. After some testing was then diagnosed with epilepsy, probably as a result from a brain injury she suffered during her birth (she had a lack of blood flow and needed an emergency c-section). So its been trial and error with meds, (she also has absent seizures which we noticed a few times) but after a while we thought things were okay. A couple of weeks ago, she had another serious seizure and we were back in hospital.

So yeah, while I'm okay and my family are mostly okay, there has been a lot going on for me IRL over the past few months that has obviously taken precedence. But, I'm still around when I can be. I still want to be around and still love to write and make gifs and stuff, but its just been a matter of priorities and a significantly limited free time compared to what I previously had.

I hope you are doing well! I hope you're going to have a nice summer break (if we actually get a summer... I know in Sydney its bloody cold so far!) And thanks again for reaching out. That was really sweet of you.

❤️ Rabbit

[meat-the-sullivans]

ok ok but how does Cade deal with being sick? he doesn't seem like the "man flu" kinda guy, more "I'll keep going and act like nothing is wrong until I literally physically can't anymore"

would he let Candy take care of him? 🥺

also

Sully should tell Cylas about his medication trouble, maybe new ones will just appear

not stolen from the hospital or anything, of course

Sully isn’t an idiot, once his head is clear when his meds are back in his system, he’ll know exactly what happened to those pills, and how they conveniently showed up again only after Cade came back home.

But he’ll for sure send a text to Cylas telling her what happened. Probably hoping to meet up to vent. He’s starting to think he really can’t raise these kids alone. Which sucks, but he can’t control Cade and it stresses him out to unimaginable levels. He knows Cade can survive Juvey just fine, in fact in anything he’s concerned for the other kids locked up in there. But he doesn’t know how Dipper would respond to her uncle being taken from her.

And he WONT allow that to happen, no matter how pissed he is at his little brother. But he will have to come up with a punishment. Probably no Candy outside of school for 2 weeks. He can’t exactly ban Cade from going to school, the new principal just lifted his suspension and that wouldn’t be a good look if he just didn’t show up, or was calling in sick right away.

Cade’s also banned from babysitting duty for at least a month, until Sully can trust him again. Because we all know he’s not going to apologise for it. So he’s only allowed to go to school or to the shop with Sully, so my boy is gonna be extra irritable for a while. Probably crazy enough to sneak out and break into Candy’s room just so he can watch her sleep. That way she wouldn’t have to lie to Sully about “seeing him” after hours, she technically didn’t.

As far as being Sick though. It’s very rare with how vigilant and on top of things Sully is, that he lets any of them get sick. Well is Dip’s case, more sick than she already is. The second he hears a sniffle, he’s there with cough syrup and whatever else may help. If he did need a certain antibiotic that he can’t get because we all know Cade will NOT be going to a doctor, not if Sully wants to leave there without blood on their hands. He fucking hates doctors and hospitals. He would call in that favour with Cylas and ask her to steal some for him.

It’s very passive the way Sully takes care of him, just leaving the medicine or instructions on how to take them in places he knows Cade will be. Because Cade does not like being doted on, or having the attention on him.

He for sure denies being sick for the first few days, until it gets bad enough he can’t ignore it anymore. And I would say he’s “whiny” it’s not quite the right word. He’s genuinely just a pissy little brat about it. He has punched a hole in the wall before because he was so frustrated his body was “betraying him”. He thinks sickness is weakness, and we all know how Cade feels about weakness.

Surpassingly, I could see him going to Candy for comfort. Just depends on what type of sick he is. Regular Flu or cold, or migraine, she might have to initiate and tell him he can come to her, or that she wants to help. Candy is his “comfort item”, if that makes sense. But he’s too stubborn to admit he needs comforted half the time.

But if it was something like Covid, or he got diagnosed with something. He’d go to her first. He wouldn’t even know what he was doing until his legs already carried him all the way to her. He would be concerned about getting her sick. But if she insisted, he’s just crawl into bed with her and lay his head on her lap. Letting her soothe him, give him his meds, make him eat or drink water (still will be a baby about it, but he’ll listen to her more than Sully), hot water bottles, cool rags…

That sort of thing. If she or her mother made him soup. Internally he’d be so grateful. He’d try his best to express it, but we know how he is with expression too. He’d repay her by doing the same for her if she was sick. It might not be as tender, as he’s not used to caring for another living thing. But he’d try his best. Looking things up online, asking her mother, or possibly even Sully how he can help her.

Cade is almost half a year into his transition by now. But sometimes he does still get his periods. Those for sure he will go to Candy for, cause she understands them. And he knows she wouldn’t make him feel weird or dysphoric about it. She’s be very willing to distract him. He hates that it’s a constant reminder he was “born wrong”. And Sully should probably save to get him a hysterectomy as soon as he can. Because this idiot is dumb enough, that during a really bad spell of dysphoria and his mental illnesses flaring (because he refuses to take medication, unlike sully. He’ll only medicate for physical ailments) he would try and rip it out himself.

He also gets migraines and nose bleeds frequently because of his mental health. His brain is working overtime sometimes and he has episodes of what he calls “short circuiting” where his head is just screaming in searing pain, and just constant nose bleeds and tremors.

He wouldn’t be nearly as willing to go to Candy or ask for help if it was a mental ailment. Like I’ve said, everyone in the family has OCD. But Cade as ASPD and BPD on top of that. His brain can be very, very unkind to him. But he’d rather suffer that alone than ever admit he’d bad enough to need help.

I do think eventually if she really tried, or expressed how important it was to her. He would consider medication. (Maybe once he realises how much they do help, or or make you feel worse, he’ll have a new respect for Sully for choosing to stay on them despite how numb they make him feel sometimes.)

Candy is fully and honestly one of Cade’s obsessions. He can’t remove her from his mind no matter how hard he tries. He has constant impulsive and sometimes even intrusive thoughts about her. He didn’t mind the intrusive thoughts at first, until he went and fell in love. And now the thought of hurting her makes him physically I’ll. it can flare his migraines, he’s thrown up before after walking from a practically gruesome nightmare where Sully forced him to kill her.

He’s just a love sick puppy. She couldn’t honestly make him worse if she wanted to, and he wouldn’t even mind. He’d just accept it, as hell do whatever makes her happy. Sure it’s unhealthy, but he doesn’t care. He never wanted to feel this feeling, but now that he has, he’s addicted to it. Loving her, caring about her, feels nice. He doesn’t know how to express that in a “chill” or “normal” way.

So to answer your question, yes he would let Candy take care of him. Might take a while for him to open up to the idea. But he’d drop everything to take care of her without hesitation. He just needs to understand she’d do the same for him.

Tag: @shonkgobonk @bluecoolr-main @queer-and-utter-chaos @mothmans-kingdom @myers-meadow

[waryfalcon]

Hi! My name is Jazz. Diane Duane reblogged my post about top surgery last week, and you reblogged it from her with a very kind offer of advice and information -- which I super appreciate, thank you. :) And I will now proceed to take you up on that offer.

I'd like to ask: if you had to buy a compression garment to wear while you were healing, where did you get it? Did you have to buy any additional medical supplies like...I don't know, gauze or anything? How much could you move your elbows out to the side while healing? (I've been trying to practice having "t-rex arms", and it's taught me that apparently I'm very expansive in my elbow movements...) And how long was it before you could reach and stoop again in the course of your daily routine, like to empty a dishwasher and other simple things?

Also, if you have any more "things I wish I had known/someone had told me" I will VERY gladly accept them. Your tip about roomy button-up shirts, for example, was great.

Thank you again!! It was super nice of you to offer this. And congrats on your own not-long-ago top surgery!

Hi, Jazz! I'm glad to help. I know it can feel so dang overwhelming! Feel free to hit me up with any other questions or if any of my answers were confusing. (ASDF I meant to reply privately and forgot. If you want me to kill this and message the info to you, let me know!)

Compression Garments

The first one you receive you will wake up in after surgery. I personally got a second. You could get a nice one, I woke up in a Marena Full Vest, but I opted for a $25 snap up half compression vest I found on Amazon with decent reviews because I didn't think about wanting the second and couldn't get a half vest from Marena which was what I wanted in a timely fashion. Note on sizing, I got a men's medium in the Marena but a large in the other and both fit the same.

Then after I could get a binder on over my head I switched to mostly using one of my old binders, this was probably 4 weeks in. I think I wore it something like 6-8 weeks, much of that time was both awake and asleep. They will have recommendations for times in your recovery packet. If they don't some surgeon's list their tips on compression vest time on their websites.

**Note: If you could use a US men's medium and have an address you are comfortable with an internet stranger shipping something, I can send you the Marena and cheaper vest I got both.

Additional Medical Supplies

Pre-Surgery: Hibiclens soap. You should be able to find this at local stores, but def look in the aisle location stuff. I found it was next to wound care stuff. The surgeon will probably give you instructions on how many showers to take with it etc, but I cannot stress enough, do not use it on your face. I didn’t make that mistake, but it was stressed to me hard enough to know that no one would want to.

All general recovery things they will give you to take home with you after surgery/after your follow up visits.

A roll of silicone tape kinda like this stuff. Whether your doctor recommends it, I found it was amazing for softening the scars. Also it is apparently convenient for when you reach the point you can submerge. My surgeon told me it would adequately protect the scars from sunlight if I wanted to go swimming (He told me to go hit the beach during our first cold snap in October, we are 10 hrs away from the nearest beach. I might have laughed at him.) I cut it in half down the length of it and used thinner strips, I found that was plenty to cover the scars and meant I didn't use it near as fast.

If you don't have ibuprofen, get that. I didn't need a lot of pain meds but everyone is different and it's better to have and not need than need and not have. They gave me hydrocodone/acetaminophen tabs and told me I could alternate with an NSAID like ibuprofen if I needed meds more frequently than I could take those. 

Both a small bottle of stool softener and a small bottle of regular laxative. You may only need the stool softener, I started with it and it was not enough. I only needed them once, but I definitely needed the laxative. The combo of the anesthesia and the hydrocodone was tough.

If you have drains (most common) then a small cup or two for draining/measuring. Something like this maybe. I ended up having my friend who stayed to help me out like SCROUNGING to find old ones from nyquil bottles because you can't find them in physical stores on their own very easily. If you have those, just save a couple. If you wanna throw them away after each use, well -waves vaguely at the link- a set like that would be handy.

Range of Motion/Recovery Time

Every recovery is different. I was never at full T-rex arms, but I definitely was not at full ranger of motion for about a month. Every surgeon recommends things a bit differently too. Definitely try and get help that first week with store runs if you realize you need something, grabbing food/making food so you aren't stuck ordering delivery a bunch. Set things you know you'll want to reach on lower cabinet shelves/flat out on the counter. Even if it messes up your sense of order, you can fix it later, reaching above your head or too far side to side is TOUGH. And I definitely did not do as good a job of this as I thought and had to get help getting stuff accessible. As far as reaching down, I didn't notice an issue there at all. But I mostly crouch on my knees when doing that anyway. Assume it will be about impossible week 1 and tough through week 2, getting easier faster than you should do it after that.

My surgeon recommended I not go back to work for 3 weeks, but I did some work from home that third week. When I went back the weight restriction was 10 lbs for another 2 or so weeks. 10 lbs is a lot lighter than you think. (My very young 11lb cat QUICKLY realized I couldn't pick him up off of things and took advantage so hard, luckily I had help to retrieve him that first week when I couldn't even shove him off things)

My surgeon insisted I walk around at least 3 times the day of surgery(to avoid possible blood clots in the legs) and walk around some each day after. But at least 2 of my friends had surgeon's who insisted on complete bed rest the first week. The friend who stayed with me spent half the time staring at me incredulously because I was constantly having to force myself not to try to do more than I could and the last time they did this, the person spent the whole time in bed/was in a lot more pain/etc (which is why I note very strongly that every recovery is different). Meanwhile day 1 something about the anesthesia/pain med combo? I was WIRED. I couldn't sit still or sleep. I paced and chatted at a mile a minute until after 2am. (Given that, I am very lucky I was not stuck on bed rest. I would have SCREAMED)

Other Things it would have been nice to know

I had the stitches that dissolve over time. They do this at different rates. It can sting quite a bit actually. A lot of first aid creams have something numbing. It won't hurt to use them after initial recovery, because when I say at different rates I mean I didn't start having the stinging until after a month. I found I mostly had issues with the nipple grafts, not the main incision, but just on one side. Also? Don't worry too much about bits of what looks like puss. That is normal when they break down slowly, it's most likely not an infection. Basically, ask the nurse during a follow up if you have any concerns, but don't worry about it too much.

If you are a side sleeper, you will probably try to do that sooner than you can comfortably. I would suggest maybe to have a body pillow to either side to sandwich yourself and block turning. This didn't happen for me until I started recovering, but yeah, I definitely did not have a safe guard in place for when it did and that was painful/also difficult to get up from without trying to support too much of my own weight.

Remember that suggestion of a friend? I knew it in advance, but I really didn't know how much I'd ask of them. The one who went to the hospital with me had to pick up my prescriptions after I had the surgery. The one who stayed with me had to get me the laxatives and the the bigger shirts/make food runs/get stuff down for me I didn't realize I'd have trouble reaching/wrangle the cat. Just so many errands.

[sereniv]

its so hard to find the balance of being informed and knowing whats happening, and focusing on my mental stability.

bc on one hand no matter what i do it feels like i cant just block it all out. it feels wrong. and i mean block everything. as in ignoring every post, not reading anything thats going on in palestine. or any other place

to just pretend like its not happening is not something I feel comfortable doing even if it might help mentally. but i dont even think id be able to

i dont need to see the videos or the pictures or read graphic summaries. and that is enough, is to even do the bare minimum

but even the bare minimum feels like too much.

and lately no matter how much i distance myself from it all its already in my head

and sometimes it feels like im off my pills. when i used to have strong delusions of reality being a simulation or of being watched etc

paranoid delusions and shit like that

like when i say i feel like im going insane i literally feel it. it feels familiar. but worse in a lot of ways

like i know what is happening is real but i can barely comprehend it.

i know what i see is real but through a lense its easy for my brain to just be confused at what im seeing. or hearing.

its a simialr feeling to when we read about the holocaust in school and when i saw pictures and read personal accounts.

i knew that it was real, it felt real to a point, but its like it didnt feel real in a way like so shocking that it causes dissociation

and like im doing the most i can do for myself. because theres no ignoring everything bc i already know its happening.

and now i have to manage my psychosis that im keeping at bay. and then ofc on top of that taking care of my grandma and both pets

amongst other things

i havnt felt this bad in a long time.

luckily i have stuff to distract myself but its like

always on in the background of my mind. it feels so claustrophobic like i want to break things

its hard to keep the right mindset and not just blow up at people, or to be 'reactionary'. which, i mean emotions first thoughts second.

its hard to push that down and act appropriately and normally. and to actually be able to think about what im saying

like its so hard to not cry or dream about this stuff. and like weed doesnt even help, and theres no way im going back to drinking

so its like i just have to raw dog the emotions.

idk maybe ill try edibles again, bc the smoking just isnt good for me

i just hope at least my grandma is able to get out of pain bc im getting so stressed im starting to think about adopting my pets out again just to be able to function

having to take misha out every 20 minutes fucking sucks. having to feed them sucks. having to take her out and scoop and to scoop cowboys cat box sucks

and im not getting enough sleep but at the same time somehow getting too much sleep

and then my tablet needing a replacement

and my room is a mess and trying to keep the dishes clean but they pile up every few days

and then just wanting to enjoy something like food and all im eating is gluten and its making me physically ill and in pain and tired

im dehydrated bc i drink at most an 8 oz glass of water a day, but on average a cup

which makes my muscles weak, im having trouble breathing

somehow im keeping it together

luckily im back on my meds

my grandma could die soon when she gets surgery and i really hope that doesnt happen bc i can not handle that rn at all

its just too much

also going to turn 31 this month when it feels like i turned 30 just a handful of months ago

so idk how i feel about that

i just feel physically sick rn. i should be sleeping but my sleep schedule is fucked up so i dont end up sleeping until like noon or 7am

[pandasmagorica]

Nitpicking He's Coming to Me

Lest anyone doubt, I love He's Coming to Me. It's close to the top of my top 10 and it's going to take quite a few blockbusters to dislodge it.

But I love good fantasy world-building, and there's some stuff that bugs me each time I watch it (and I recently completed my third re-watch). These bug me every time.

There are four parts to it:

What the rules actually are

What the characters think the rules are (which may not be correct)

How consistent the writing is in setting the world up for us

What the director, actors, crew, and editors demonstrate to us

So sometimes, we may think the rules are inconsistent. We have to figure out whether we've taken the characters' words and they're wrong, if the writers have made a mistake, or if the editors have cut an important revelation of how the rules work.

I'm not sure where He's Coming to Me went astray. But the sloppiness of the world-building is frustrating to me for a series I absolutely adore.

But first, some fine examples of world-building of the fantasies in my top 10:

Some of these might be considered spoilers (for Cherry Magic, 55:15, Eternal Yesterday and Until We Meet Again, plus, of course, He's Coming to Me), so here's a jump:

Cherry Magic is clear about the rules of its world:

If you are a virgin and over 30, you can read minds.

You have to be touching the person in question to read their mind.

If you subsequently have sex, you lose the mind-reading ability.

55:15 is also pretty consistent and gradually reveals:

Getting a new ID at 55 copied in the magic copier machine sends you back into your 15 year old body the next day.

You have all your memories and personality.

Things that were wrong with your 55 year old body that you picked up after 15 are not apparent, but they are lurking below the surface, ready to cause problems.

Resolving your issues plus seeing a comet overhead get you back to your 55 year old body.

Eternal Yesterday is consistent as well even though not all of the rules are clear and I'm not sure I've got them correctly:

Your dead beloved will act like they're alive as long as you keep them there. You are powering them.

Others without this ability can see the dead person at first but will stop seeing your dead beloved as their memory fades.

Your dead beloved is still definitely dead from how they died.

The ability to keep the dead person animated (and, I guess, not rotting) is inherited.

Anyone with this ability can tell they are seeing a lifelike dead person.

Until We Meet Again, while it doesn't completely explain how much Korn and In occupy Dean and Pharm, it's at least consistent about it

Korn and In can take full possession of Dean and Pharm, but rarely do so.

Things that happened to Korn and In appear in Dean and Pharm's dreams.

The red thread ties them together.

Hmmm, yep, half of my top 10 are fantasies. I don't count Tale of a Thousand Stars or To Sir With Love as fantasies even though they have brief fantastic elements (dreams of the dead person who you don't know yet has died, mystical potions).

Okay, so what about He's Coming to Me?

All Buddhist monks can see the ghosts, and they are okay with that.

Both Thun and Kwan can only start seeing Med after they burn incense to him.

So, nitpick: But Thun sees ghosts in the hospital, even though it's unlikely people are burning incense there.

And nitpick: And Thun can see the ghosts colors which indicate why the ghost is a ghost. Maybe these are under incense burning conditions, but the shots we see don't show incense being burned.

And maybe nitpick: And Kwan doesn't like cemeteries because of all the ghosts. (This one is possibly consistent, because even if Thun or Kwan doesn't burn incense for a particular ghost, other visitors might. It's not clear if the character has to be the one burning the incense.)

More nitpick: It's not clear when Thun needs to have the electric incense stick turned on in the immediate vicinity. Somehow they can be in a park and Thun doesn't need to turn the stick on until he wants to offer Med food, but when he wants Med to give him the answer on a test, he needs to leave the stick on in the rest room?

More nitpick: It's odd Thun doesn't check in on Med's color once they learn the true story of Med's death to verify they got two fake stories then the real story.

Still more nitpick: Med fades out several times in the middle of the series, then it never happens again except for a few blinks when Med enters his bedroom and sees himself die.

And the kill your darlings moment when Khem, who hasn't seen a ghost in his life, suddenly sees Med's female friend ghost, a funny but egregious break of series canon to that point.

There's also one I though was a fail, but wasn't when I re-watched the scene:

Once Med knew the reason for his death and the tomb-sweeping ceremony was complete, I would have expected Thun to see that Med was showing the not his time to die color. But actually, Med vanishes from view at the end of the ceremony - something it's already been established Med can do - so Thun would not have been able to do a color check.

But nitpick: it's still odd that when Med re-appears that Thun doesn't notice Med's new color and has to go through the how to graduate from ghostdom checklist to figure out that it's not Med's time.

The other nitpicks I have that have nothing to do with world building happen in episode 1. They're about Thun's dialog:

When Ohm makes his first appearance as the teenaged Thun, he says he stopped visiting because he was busy with school. That seems unnecessarily mean, and Thun's character, while sometimes bratty, doesn't seem to be mean.

After seeing the whole series, I realize the writers could have had him say that he just got his driver's license, and before that his mother wouldn't take him back to the cemetery after his father's death, since she doesn't like cemeteries.

And, similarly, he says he won't be coming back to visit because they're moving his father's body. But even though they were going to move his father's body, that wouldn't prevent a teen with a driver's license from coming back to visit Med at his grave. So, sloppy writing.

Fortunately, Thun shortly thereafter took Med to live with him and we got this wonderful, if flawed, story.