#i think i might need a councellor or something after all this 6 years long shit show.

[wilkoak]

bad times today, ignore if not interested.

Hiya banter time again as I feel probably the worst in my life rn. It’s just emotions but hey, it’s real and it fucking hurts. Todays count: 1. fuck friendzone, lets be enemies after all 2. almost molested by a guy 3. then fucked over gaian by ex trying to seek shelter after previous thing. 

Remember me being broken up with amicably? So yeah, apparently fuck that. I’ve received a calm and calculated message about not contacting her at all from my ex. Cancelling plans, basically deleting everything we agreed on to keep ourselves (from her initiative!) not that sad after breakup since we’re in foreign country so some support would be good. Tbh it comforted me a lot to think i could still have a friend, BUT it was also hurtful in a way. I wanted to endure though  adnd worked on letting go in romantic sense. 

But nah. A decsion has been made again without consulting me. She set the boundaries, as always. And now i feel betrayed, promises about friendship canceled because someone had worse mood today. And was just an egoist. 

So what happened next? it wasnt that bad, i called a friend, cried a bit again, decided to move on with more aggression (good!) but then.. what happened is that because it happened while I was at work, a guy noticed it and kidn of took upon himself to cheer me up. He talked with me, wise stuff, nice chat really. Felt genuine. 

But what happened is he of couse had to try to invite himself to me. He stayed and helped me close shop. He asked if he can walk me home. 

And of course, me idiot with no ecperience, took it as the intention. Because i was so emotionally drained and actually felt better with company. 

And of course I ended up being hugged ad smooched and generally fucking lightly sexually molested in front of the house. Good point is that at least when i finally told him that no, stop, he apologised and went away. But it was far from consensual. He touched my hair as well  before but at this point, I was too tired and numbed to react.

What happened next is i actually because I went to... her house instead of mine, with him. To avoid him knowing where I live, while I still had the Keys so i could pretend well enought. I thought: fuck, im scared, i dont care, girls there know me, ill just explain no matter if i meet her or her neighbours. 

Well. I did that. I then wanted to come in for a moment, wait it out, and go, or maybe apologize and go. Or maybe cry for a minute and go. what happened insted is my ex held the door (had to beg her to open), after lettinmg in she was super cold and agressive and unsympathetic, commandered me to stop crying or gtfo, threw a fit in the end and we ended on very bad note. I felt the more worst because i know i really did disturb her evening. But i know i would not be this awul in a situaton like that, fuck, for the most hated person I know. 

I just saw today how much she fucking doesnt care if its not conveniet for her and that really hurts. I also have the amazing memroy of being touched and kissed on cheek by a half-hobo and the awaeness of how fucking stupid i played out the whole evening. 

In my defense, I am a mess and been trained to submission in decisions for years. I... fuck this. Fuck this all, I want to go home.