#i think i forgot to give renee freckles on the last one | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

senstia · 4 years ago

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Mistakes and Promises

Andrew hated that he was the reason Neil had run. All he could do now was try to put the broken pieces back together and hope Neil would forgive him.

*Andrew Minyard/Neil Josten, Andreil

*Angst with a happy ending, fluff, kisses

*set after the events of The King’s Men

*brief mentions of self harm

*pls excuse any incorrect grammar, punctuation, writing mistakes ect.

He knew no one else saw what he saw. No one else saw Andrew touch that stranger with his hands. No one else saw Andrew drag him into a back room at Eden’s twilight. No one else heard the grunts and shuddered breaths through the closed door. No one else saw Andrew’s lips red and swollen from that stranger’s lips as he left that back room. But Neil did. Neil did.

Neil wasn’t supposed to be there. He had been injured badly during last week’s game and the foxes had forced him to stay at the dorm ever since. Andrew had been distant since that injury, hadn’t touched him, hadn’t kissed him. Neil had ached for Andrew, missed him more than he ever thought possible. So he went to Eden’s. He figured he’d surprise Andrew. That maybe they’d go back to Columbia and trade kisses in the dark. He never thought this is what he’d find. He never thought it would effect him the way it did. Because seeing Andrew across the darkened club felt like a thousand knives in his heart. It felt like he was drowning in ice cold water and couldn’t come up to breathe. He knew no one saw him. He also knew in that moment that no one he knew would ever see him again. Maybe it made him a coward and maybe it proved everyone right about what they’d said about him. But there was nothing left. Not without Andrew. Neil couldn’t stay. Couldn’t pretend to be okay. All he wanted to do was run until there was nothing left of Neil Josten. Until he forgot who Andrew Minyard was. So he did.

He went to the dorm first. He shattered his cell phone on the ground and left it there. He gathered everything he needed in his old duffel bag. He went to the roof one last time. He could barely breathe as he set the set of keys Andrew had given him on the rooftop ledge. Neil took a deep breath and tried to ignore the way it felt like his heart was being ripped to shreds. And then he ran. Down the stairwell, out of the dorm and into the street. He only ever stopped when he realized he needed water or a bathroom. He watched the sun rise, then set, then rise, then set, as he ran.

The foxes got back to fox tower around noon the next day. All of the foxes made their way to Neil’s dorm to check on him and have a group lunch with him. Matt entered first. He froze as he did. He saw the empty bed, the shattered cell phone, all of Neil’s belongings gone.

“He’s gone,” Matt whispered.

Andrew barged past Matt to look into the room. He stormed inside and rummaged through everything. There wasn’t a trace of Neil left. The bed was cold. All that was left was Neil’s faint scent on the blankets. A scent Andrew had grown addicted to. He picked up the shattered phone. From the way it was broken it looked as if someone had stomped on it. Neil hadn’t been taken. He had left of his own free will. Andrew’s heart dropped to his stomach. Nausea and guilt swept through him like wildfire. His fault. His fault. His fault.

Andrew stormed out of the dorm, took the stairs to the roof two steps at a time. The rooftop was empty. Neil was gone. Neil was gone. Neil was gone. Something shiny on the edge of the roof caught Andrew’s eye. He went over and saw those keys. And in that moment Andrew felt pain and regret so profoundly that he crumpled to his knees. He clutched the keys in his hands like they were his only tether to this world. Neil. Neil. Neil. Andrew felt tears streaming down his face and he couldn’t bring himself to care. Couldn’t bring himself to think about the fact that he couldn’t remember the last time he had cried. Sobs racked his body as he sat on the ground. His whole body was shaking with the force of his pain.

Neil must have seen him. Neil must have come to Eden’s. He couldn’t think of another reason Neil would leave like this. Andrew thought and thought and thought as he cried but it was the only explanation. Andrew was drowning in his regret. It made him sick. He was disgusted with himself, could barely stand to be in his own skin. He wanted to smoke, he wanted to bring a razor to his skin, but he knew he didn’t deserve the relief that would give him. He deserved this excruciating pain.

When Neil had gotten injured and Andrew saw the light leave his eyes as he lost consciousness, Andrew felt like the world was falling from under his feet. The intensity of his feelings for Neil terrified him. He hated them. But never more than in that moment. Because Andrew knew in that moment that he wanted to be with Neil for the rest of his life. And Andrew just couldn’t handle it. He knew he should talk to Bee, knew he was being irrational. But all he wanted was for Neil to be gone. He wished Neil would run. He wished he had never met him. Because how dare Neil make him feel like this? Andrew felt too much, too much every second of every day and it was all Neil’s fault. He wanted it to stop. Because he loved him. How could he make it stop? So he stayed away. He couldn’t look Neil in the eye. Because if he did he’d tell him the truth. Tell him that he wanted to be with Neil for the rest of his life, that Neil was never nothing and that he is and has always been, everything. And that there is a “this” and he wanted it with Neil and only Neil forever, if Neil did too. So he avoided. Because he was a coward. A pathetic coward who couldn’t even have the decency to tell the man he loved the truth. And then a group trip to Eden’s was planned. Andrew thought that maybe if he tried with someone else, it would be easier to walk away from Neil, that maybe he wouldn’t have to tell the truth. Maybe he could live in his lies forever. So he took a pretty nobody to the back room. But right when those lips had touched his, he had felt like he was going to vomit. All he could see was Neil. His pretty blue eyes and freckles and auburn hair. All he could think about was the way Neil looked at him like he loved him. And the way it felt when Neil touched him. He loved him. He loved him. He loved him. And then Andrew had shoved away that nobody. Repeated the words in his head. Thought of every moment he had spent with Neil. He wanted a thousand more. He swallowed his fear, almost choked on it. He planned to tell Neil how he felt tomorrow. Tell him everything. Tell him how much of a liar he was every time he said Neil was nothing, that he felt nothing. But now Neil was gone. He sobbed harder, his body shaking so hard the keys were rattling in his hands.

The foxes knew Andrew knew something, that he had an explanation for why Neil was gone. Usually they stayed away from Andrew, gave him space, but everyone was in such a panic over Neil that they didn’t care. Renee tried to tell them to let her talk to Andrew alone but no one would listen. So the whole team stormed up that staircase and onto the roof. They all froze at what they saw. Andrew was shaking and sobbing on the ground, clutching Neil’s set of keys like a lifeline. None of them had every seen Andrew cry. None of them had ever seen Andrew show any extreme emotion before. But here he was, broken and shattered on the ground.

“Andrew,” Renee said softly, tentatively.

Andrew paused his sobs, swallowed them. His body still shook, he couldn’t make it stop. He couldn’t bare to look at them, couldn’t bare to tell them this was his fault. That Neil was really gone. So he just stared at the ground and waited for the tremors in his body to stop. He felt Renee walk closer to him, felt her kneel beside him.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Renee asked softly.

Andrew just shook his head, choked back another sob. He shook his head over and over. No. No. No. No. No. Neil couldn’t be gone. Andrew had to find him and explain. He had to tell Neil everything.

Neil hadn’t realized he had passed out until he was surrounded by people. He was on the side of the highway. There was two cop cars and an ambulance surrounding him. Multiple people staring down at him.

Andrew had been driving for a day and a half. The foxes were determined to follow him, so half were stuffed in the Maserati and the other half were following him in Matt’s truck. No one had spoken. Andrew only stopped the car when absolutely necessary. He had given no one any explanation. Only lifted his tired body from the ground of the roof and dragged himself to the Maserati. Everyone else had followed behind. He’d been driving ever since. Andrew had been driving along the highway for two hours before he saw a few cop cars and an ambulance surrounded in one area on the side of the road. There was no accident in sight. Neil.

Andrew pulled over and got out of the car. The foxes all followed, of course. He heard Neil’s voice and his heart skipped in its chest.

“I said i’m fine.”

“No I don’t have any identification.”

“My name is Daniel. I was born in Connecticut. Can you please leave me alone now?”

The cops argued with Neil, or Daniel apparently. Andrew couldn’t make out what they were saying but it sounded like they were pissing Neil off. Andrew walked towards Neil and Neil glanced up, did a double take. His eyes widened. His entire body stiffened as he looked at Andrew. And then he was running again. The cops shouted after him but he just kept going. Andrew jogged back to his car, got everyone inside and drove after Neil. Neil was a fast runner but luckily he couldn’t outrun a Maserati.

“Neil,” Andrew said out the window of his car as he drove beside Neil.

Neil make a frustrated noise and picked up his speed. Andrew just matched it.

“Don’t Andrew. Just don’t,” Neil’s voice cracked as he finished.

“Neil,” Andrew said again.

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Andrew. Go. Leave. Please,” Neil pleaded breathlessly.

“Neil I don’t know what happened but please let us take care of you. You don’t have to run anymore. Please just get in the car,” Nicky said.

“When we get back we can take a vacation Neil! Just you and me. We can go to the mountains again, just... stop running Neil,” Allison pleaded through her window.

Neil’s feet slowed. And then he stopped. And then he sat down on the side of the road with his head in his hands, breathing deeply. He knew he shouldn’t have ran. He knew that he had the foxes. Even without Andrew, he still had them. But the loss of Andrew was a pain more intense than any injury he had ever received. Having to live with Andrew and see him at practices would be like rubbing salt in the wound every day, like reslicing open that almost healed cut. Neil heard a car door open, felt Andrew walking toward him, felt him sit down beside him. Neil didn’t acknowledge this. He couldn’t. All Neil saw when he closed his eyes was Andrew’s swollen lips, all he heard was that stranger’s shuddered breaths.

“Neil,” Andrew said, his voice almost soft.

“Don’t Andrew. Please. I can’t. I just can’t.”

Andrew took a deep breath. “I know you saw me at Eden’s.”

Neil froze. “It’s fine. I’m fine. You’ve always said i’m nothing to you. I guess I just never thought you actually meant it.”

Andrew pulled at his hair. He hated himself for this, for making Neil feel like this. He wanted to make it up to him for the rest of his life. The words were caught in his throat. He had to push them out. Even though vulnerability went against every instinct he had ever had, he had to, for Neil.

“I don’t hate you. And you’re not nothing.”

Neil flinched. Somehow that was worse. Because that meant Neil was something, but not enough of something for Andrew to want to be with him. Th pressure in his chest was unbearable. Neil hadn’t realized he was shaking until Andrew held a hand out to him. His set of keys. He wanted so badly to take them. He wanted to forget what he saw and go back to the way it was before. But he couldn’t. Because he was in love with Andrew. He felt a tear fall down his cheek, and then another. Neil couldn’t remember the last time he had cried. Andrew pocketed the set of keys and Neil trembled harder, swallowing back a sob. The pain of what he had seen and the reality of what was happening, what he had done, was slamming into him. He never should have run. He had the foxes. He would be okay. But Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Neil didn’t manage to choke back his sob at the thought of the man beside him.

Andrew scooted his body closer to Neil, lifted a shoulder so that Neil could lean on him, if he wanted. Neil’s body froze. And then Neil slowly leaned into Andrew. He slowly lowered his head to Andrew’s shoulder. Neil was crying, he was crying and it was Andrew’s fault. All Andrew wanted to do was take away Neil’s pain. He wanted to see that stupidly beautiful smile again. He wanted to be the reason for that smile again.

The foxes stared and stared at the scene before them. Neil was shaking and tears were streaming down his scarred face. Andrew was holding Neil steady, letting Neil sob in his arms. The sight was heartbreaking and beautiful all at once. At this point the foxes had all figured out that Andrew was the reason Neil had run, they just didn’t know what the hell he did.

Andrew stroked his hands up and down Neil’s shoulders, trying to calm him down. Slowly Neil’s tears stopped flowing, his body stopped shaking.

“I’m okay now. You can let go. It’s-it’s over,” Neil said as he began to get up from the ground.

“No,” Andrew said firmly.

“What?”

“This is not over Neil.”

“Don’t Andrew. I don’t need your pity.”

Neil stormed away and got into Matt’s truck. “Drive.”

Andrew gritted his teeth. Fine. At least Neil wasn’t running anymore. He’d drag Neil to the roof and tell him everything once they got back to the dorms.

After two extremely awkward and silent car rides back to the dorms Neil was trying to figure out what to do. He shared a bedroom with Andrew. He shared a dorm with Andrew. He shared the roof with Andrew. Where the hell was he supposed to go? He knew him and Andrew needed to have a conversation. He knew he couldn’t avoid it forever. So Neil trudged up all the stairs and made his way to the rooftop.

Andrew had beat him home. He was sitting on the edge of the roof, staring out at campus. Neil walked over and sat next to Andrew. He decided he’d wait for Andrew to speak first. They were silent for a while, both scared of what would happen next.

“Neil I-,” Andrew took a deep breath, clenched his hands into fists. “I don’t want to ever lose your stupid face. You’re not nothing. I am a liar. You’re everything. And there is a ‘this’ and it’s all I want. Just you. Forever. I don’t want anyone else. I know you know I went to Eden’s. I know you saw me. I made a mistake. I couldn’t go past kissing that man, because he wasn’t you. I know what I did, and I-I shouldn’t have.”

Neil’s heart soared at the words. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. All that mattered was Andrew. Always.

“Yes or no?” Neil asked.

Andrew just nodded and pulled Neil’s face to his. They kissed slowly, reveling in the feel of each other. After a while Neil deepened the kiss, needing the reassurance of touch. Andrew pressed Neil’s hands to his chest and Neil was reeling. This, this, this. Every touch, every breath. Just Andrew.

Neil pulled back slightly, their breaths still mingling together. “Drew?”

“Yes?”

“I only want to be with you forever too.”

Andrew replied with a searing kiss. Neil moaned into Andrew’s mouth and Andrew pulled Neil into his arms. Andrew was holding Neil in his lap, kissing him soundly.

“Dorm,” Andrew said.

Neil replied with a breathless yes and Andrew stood up from the roof and walked to the exit, still holding Neil in his arms. Neil kissed up and down Andrew’s neck as Andrew carried Neil down the staircase and towards their room. Andrew opened the door to their dorm, walked inside and kicked it closed with a foot as he continued kissing Neil. Their lips didn’t break apart until Andrew was setting Neil down on their bed.

The foxes all stared in half horror and half amazement as Andrew carried Neil to their bed, kissing him the whole way there.

“I guess they made up after their fight huh?” Nicky said.

Aaron scowled. “Maybe we should go to the other dorm to watch movies tonight.”

“That might be a good idea,” Matt said.

Andrew and Neil kissed and kissed and kissed and explored each other’s body until neither of them had any memories of what had occurred in the past week. There was only Andrew and Neil and their shining new vows to stay together until the end.

( @elide-lochan-salvaterre )

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