#i think i also started feeling sad bc ifs been such a long time since i read a book

[redrocketpanda]

I spent most of this evening writing a scene for one of my bang fics very slowly. This fic is the slowest thing I've ever written because the words just keep getting stuck, on top of me easily getting demotivated and distracted

I've written like... 800 words or something in the past 2 days (which objectively is LOADS) but the words have been so difficult to get out, the process so laborious, and I'm not sure if I like what I've got (which. Is. Literally. Fine. cause I can edit it????)

But now I am lying on the sofa feeling very sorry for myself and god I wish that insecurities about my writing could just fuck off. I'm so tired of my brain being so hard on itself, I'm so tired of overthinking every single word, I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough

[mymegumi]

cœur fidèle

pairing: ushijima wakatoshi x fem!reader

genre: fluff, minor angst, childhood bestfriends au, royalty au, and friends to lovers

word count: 2.1k words

warnings: mainly ushijima’s thoughts, not a lot of dialogue/actions. fluff & sad ideals about unrequited love.

summary: he wants to make a life with you, and yet you’re meant to build a life as someone else’s lover.

notes: i’m almost positive this isn’t coherent bc i’m just rambling <3 also the end was rushed as fuck so sorreh bout that <3

dedicated: to thalia, may you continue making me and everyone else around you smile. ( @wak4tosh1 )

Royalty, by definition, are those of royal blood or status. A league above normal people, and meant for wealth and luxuries that people would only dream of even seeing with their own eyes. It’s a life of luxury, of people to work at your beck and call, and of never truly worrying unless you had to.

Why does Ushijima feel so empty then?

A prince in his early twenties, he’s in the prime of his life—a father that loves him unconditionally, friends by his side that love and value him for things other than his title and wealth, and even a hobby he can do when things feel so suffocating he can’t come up for air.

He’s grateful for everything he has, don’t get him wrong, but it’s always felt a bit… lonely somehow.

Ushijima, as the heir to a king’s throne, knows the weight his decisions will make on the kingdom his father’s built up, and yet he can’t help but wonder about what kind of life he could have had if he’d just been born from a peasant woman. Would his life be so much more insignificant than it was now?

He thinks the first time he really truly wondered about a life without a crown, a life without power and influence, was when he met you for the first time.

A princex from a neighboring kingdom, you were everything that Ushijima wasn’t.

Where he was more reserved, tending to keep his thoughts and opinions to himself, it seemed as if you were always willing to give yours. You were bright and beautiful in all the ways that Ushijima tried to keep himself in the shadows, the brightest star on a black sky.

When he first saw you, he thought you were otherworldly. An ethereal being at the ripe age of fourteen and his cheeks dappled with heat, but he thinks that this is what ladies in the court meant when they talked about love.

Ushijima is only fourteen, and yet when you pull on his hand to tug him into the gardens, laughter on the wind and sunshine beating down on your backs, he thinks about the love beginning to blossom in his chest without knowing the word for it.

It’s warmth on a summer day, and the way you smile at him when he says something snarky about the other royals.

“Ushijima!” you called to him, hand curled around your mouth in an attempt to amplify your voice, trying to get it to carry throughout the courtyard, “I know you can hear me, stop hiding from me!”

“We’re playing hide and seek,” he called back, hands behind his back as he peeks his head out from behind the tree he’d chosen as his hiding spot, “You’re ruining the point of the game, you’re supposed to seek, and I was supposed to hide.”

Your bottom lip jutted out, arms crossed across your chest as you walked towards him, “Okay, but I didn’t think I’d have to walk around by myself, this is only my first time being here. I don’t even know any of the good hiding spots!”

“Do you want me to show you for the next time you come?” He hadn’t hit his growth spurt at the time of first meeting you, so he’s not yet looking down at you from his height above you. “The best ones are in the kitchen because sometimes the chefs will give me snacks.”

“Snacks?” Your eyes lit up, and Ushijima remembers feeling something in his chest tighten a bit, the smile you gave him was one of the first, and yet he remembers it like it was the most recent, “Okay, let’s go then!”

You grabbed his hand, then, and it was warm, and Ushijima was sure he could do that for the rest of his life.

He asked his father about you, later in the month when you went home, and he just smiled at him. His father put a hand on Ushijima’s head and ruffled his hair. Ushijima didn’t know it back then, but his father was sad, most likely knowing his son lost his heart.

Perhaps it was when he was first learning about marriage and the concept of having a ruler by his side that he realized that feeling he got whenever he was with you meant he was in love with you.

“Are you here for very long?” You tilt your head to the side as you contemplate Ushijima’s father’s question, “We haven’t seen you in a few months, and I’m not sure if Ushijima did, but I certainly missed you, princex.”

Ushijima always misses you when you aren’t around, he decides in his mind.

“I probably have to leave soon,” you respond, hands curled delicately around a porcelain cup that his father had made shortly after he turned eighteen. His country’s colors look good on you, he thinks, “Forgive me for not sending any letters, I’ve found it hard to write lately since my life has been so busy.”

“Yes,” his father smiles, and his face is all Ushijima can concentrate on, because he knows what conversation topic is coming up, “how are the wedding preparations coming along?”

He forgets sometimes. He forgets when you smile at him like he’s the only thing in the room, eyes focused on him and only him. He forgets when you call his name, light with laughter and filled with sunshine. He forgets when you pull at his hands, begging him to dance with you to music that only you can hear, but he always pulls you in, savors the feeling of you pressed against him as you sway together.

He’s always reminded again when he sees the foreign country’s pin claiming you as theirs.

Sometimes he wishes his father had introduced you earlier. That he met you before you were promised to someone else, and yet, he fantasizes about a life where he met you before.

Before what? He laughs to himself bitterly, fork pushing his dinner around the plate as he listens to you talk to his father about your wedding—sometime in the next few months, with blush pink roses and carnations the color of strawberries, even if he knows you hate carnations.

Before you were someone else’s, before you were going to be leaving him, before he could tell you he had loved you for what he thinks is his entire life.

His father told him thinking about ‘what ifs’ only hurts you in the end, and he’s starting to think he was right. In a life filled with expectations in return for nothing, Ushijima supposes he could just settle down with anyone. He won’t be an unloving husband, he’d hate to be what his mother was to his father, and yet, he’s sure he won’t ever be able to give his heart away as willingly.

“Wakatoshi,” god, he hates when you use his first name, and yet it’s worse when you use his last name, because yours will never be the same, “want to walk in the gardens? Your father told me about the renovations he’d done a few months back, I’d love to see them.”

He places his fork and knife over the plate easily, quiet and refined since utensils were one of the first lessons he’d learned, and looks at you, face as neutral as he can make it, “Of course.”

You push back from the table, and fold your hands behind your back, ever the polite guest. Ushijima stands and pushes in the both of your chairs before holding an arm out for you, a polite gesture disguising his desire to hold you as close as he can.

Perhaps most of his life had been spent selfishly hoping for you. In a way that someone in love would, he’s kept his distance from you before, but you’d just barged back in like you were a storm and he was a loosely latched window. He held you at an arm's length away, and you always managed to press as close to him as you could, fighting against his every instinct to turn you away.

He doesn’t mean to monopolize you, not really. Sometimes he just wishes to keep your smile to himself, but he knows you, and when you smile at him the way you do, with a little sparkle in your eye and a tease on your lips, he knows you’re only smiling for him.

He wonders if your betrothed has ever made you smile like he has.

“The roses always look so lovely this time of year,” you muse, both of your shoes clicking in time with his as you make your way to the gardens. A window overlooks the winding green plants, and the cut glass showcases the evening sunset, rainbows splaying across the concrete walls of his father’s castle, “It’s a shame this genus won’t be in bloom when my… wedding is to occur. I’d love to see some Shiratorizawan roses in my bouquet.”

Maybe he’s imagining it, but you sound sad—perhaps it’s only because you won’t have his country’s national flower as a set of your wedding piece, but a man can hope.

“Perhaps we could arrange for a bouquet of dried roses to be set aside for you,” he murmurs, holding the door open for you as you settle into the courtyard, “The scent will be immaculate, and they’ll stay for a good few years.”

Your smile is sweet, but your eyes are sad, he notes.

“Mm,” you pull away from his arm to cradle a wilting rose bloom in your hands, thumbs pressing feather-light against the wilted edges, “I wonder what it would be like to see such gorgeous roses every morning from my balcony. You’re lucky, Wakatoshi.”

“You could,” he says without thinking. A fumble in his normally stoic nature, he tries to cover it with a cough, but you have always been more perceptive of him than he’d like.

He can’t see your face, but he can see the way you release some sort of tension from your shoulders. Dropping the flower, you turn back to him and press a hand to the outside of his arm, “You mean it?”

“Maybe not from a balcony,” he murmurs, hand setting at your waist, his head begins to tip towards you without him even realizing it, “from a kitchen window, perhaps?”

“Overlooking a flower garden, and a vegetable garden?” Your hum is inquisitive, and Ushijima smiles at you, grateful you’re playing along at his fantasy, “Let’s do it, then.”

Oh. Maybe not a fantasy, then.

“Run away with me, ‘Toshi,” your hands reach up, cupping Ushijima’s cheeks as he blinks at you, “I don’t want to get married to anyone that isn’t you.”

“But, my father… I can’t just leave my family like this,” he pulls you into a hug when you sigh against him, thumbs brushing along the highs of his cheeks, “My sister’s not yet ready to take the throne, I can’t just abandon them. What if something happens to father?”

“Your sister’s always wanted to take the throne,” you whisper back, voice tight with desperation, he wants to go with you more than you know, and yet there’s something holding him back, “Let’s go somewhere where we can live like normal people. No crowns, no kingdoms to rule, just you and me.”

“What about your husband?”

You laugh, arms winding around his neck as you press closer to him, “Toshi, darling, don’t think. You’ve always thought too much, just. Let’s just go.”

You rocketed into Ushijima’s life like a shooting star, streaking across his sky without a single thought for the effects you’d leave behind. Yet he can’t help but watch you go.

“Of course.”

The lavender plant that grows along the edges of Ushijima’s house has always offset the harsh pinks of the roses he’d planted underneath the windows. It’s convenient, of course, that his father had left a baby rose bush on his desk the night he left.

“Toshi! The ladies in the town are asking after you again, they want you to come fix the gutters again.”

“I just fixed them last month,” he calls back, back of his hand wiping away the sweat forming on his brow as he looks up. He has to block the sun from his eyes, and your figure is shrouded in shadows instead.

“Mm, perhaps they’re looking for an excuse to see you work again, darling,” you call back, basket in hands as you smile at him. He really will never get tired of your smile, he thinks, “But, while they were distracted talking about you, I managed to sell everything for a little higher price than normal.”

By now, Ushijima has gotten up from the ground and is in front of you, his shadow over your face to block the sun, “My little swindler.”

Your smile loses its intense edge, and instead softens, “Do you ever regret it?”

“Regret what?” He mumbles, leaning down to press a kiss to your cheek, “Being with the love of my life?”

“Mm,” you nod, eyes dreamy as he smiles.

“Not even for a second.”

[ellasfm]

» • * — ( elle fanning , cis female , she/her ) . i think i hear wait a minute by willow coming from apartment 2611. doesn’t eloise miller live there ?? i heard they are a twenty-two year old author from wayzata, mn , but they’ve been living in the apartments for two months . they come across a bit - anxious and - pessimistic , but they also seem like they could be + intuitive and + patient . whenever i see them , i think of a silver heart-shaped locket, stacks and stacks of books, small acts of rebellion. oh , and don’t forget to follow them on instagram at eloise.b.morris ! ooc . ally, 22, est, she/her .

hello y’all, back with my impulsively picked up second muse ! she’s actually an older muse i revamped to be a little less sad and i think i nailed it !!! details under the cut, like this post for me to hyu for plots !!! 

full statistics | full biography | pinterest | wanted connections 

tw panic attacks, psychological abuse, eating disorders, 

statistics.

full name. eloise bethany morris. nickname(s). ella. occupation. author.  age. twenty-two. date of birth. september 2nd, 1997. nationality. american. ethnicity. white | scottish, english, french.  orientation. bisexual/sapphic, with a preference for women.  gender & pronouns. cis female; she/her/hers. religion. agnostic.

height. 5’9”. weight. 125 lbs. eye color. green. hair color + style. flaxen blonde, relatively thin, usually up in a bun, braids, or pleats.  dominant hand. right-handed. distinguishing features. deep-set eyes, willowy frame, pale skin. 

biography. 

ella’s upbringing was super... lonely, honestly. both of her sisters were basically adults by the time she was born, and never really interacted with her since they didn’t like her father’s second wife, ella’s mother. and with good reason. 

if you thought zar’s mom was bad, get a load of heather morris. intent on living through her only daughter, ella was brought up to be a perfect little lady. a dancer, a star student, one of the most popular girls in her class. she was the first two things, but was never the third. she reeked of insecurity, and as a result was bullied throughout most of school. 

even worse, her mom would force her to go to events where her bullies were, because those were the girls heather thought ella ought to be friends with. needless to say, they didn’t go very well. the only things her mother ever gave her were anxiety, deep-seated self-loathing, and an eating disorder she only overcame about two years ago. 

ella’s one and only escape was books, she always had one on her person from the time she was five. for a long time, the closest things she had to friends were her favorite characters: matilda wormwood, hermione granger, and liesel meminger, among others. as a child, she dreamed of writing books like that, to help other little girls just like these authors helped her. 

ella has always been a massive romantic, falling in love with every friendly face. and everyone she’s ever loved wormed their way into her heart, and to get it out, she decided to write. about the what-ifs and the maybe-so’s. 

despite taking ballet lessons her entire school career, as per her mother’s request, she didn’t get into the american ballet company as her mother wished. her mom honestly wasn’t even that proud when she got a perfect sat score on her first try, nor when she got into harvard. 

if she wasn’t going to be a dancer, she was going to be a lawyer, and her mother pushed her to get perfect grades in school. she hoped she would flourish at university, but she... kinda fell apart. we’re talking daily panic attacks, a crippling caffeine addiction, and her anorexia getting so bad she ended up in the fucking hospital her freshman year. despite that, she never missed a single deadline, functioning like a machine. and that was all that was important to her mother. 

her sophomore year, though, she took a creative writing class, and when the ta read some of her work, she told her that she had a lot of potential and if she should continue down that road, the ta would like to be her advisor. that little bit of encouragement was all it took to reignite her dream of being an author. 

writing became her therapy again, along with, thankfully, actual therapy. sure, school still made her anxious wreck, but ella was doing better. bit by bit, step by step. the summer before senior year, her advisor told her that she sent ella’s latest transcript to a friend of hers in publishing, and that she wanted to talk. she wanted to hold off for now, unsure what to do, until she got her lsat results back over thanksgiving break. she’d failed. 

it was then, with her mother berating her non-stop as per usual, that ella decided she was going to publish. she walked out of the house with her mother still yelling, feeling freer than she ever had. 

the day after her commencement, ella moved into a shitty apartment in boston and got to work with the publisher to get the book finished as quickly as possible. thanks to her advisor, it required minimal editing, and they had the first print sent to ella by the end of october. 

on november 15th, the ipswich girls by eloise b. morris was officially for sale nationwide, and by its second week, it was a new york time’s bestseller. the last few months have been a world wind for ella, of book signings and award ceremonies and realizing with every young fan of hers that she’d achieved her dream. 

now, she’s moved into new york city, a dream come true, and shortly after, she realized her publisher expected her to write a second book. she’s... still pretty paralyzed about that, trying to come up with something to top the ipswich girls, but... she’s trying. kinda. maybe. mostly panicking. 

tl;dr: girl with strict mother finds freedom in books, becomes an author, writes a bestseller out of college, now is expected to repeat that success lmao fun.

personality. 

lets get the zodiac out of the way: virgo sun, pisces moon, aquarius rising. 

she’s... still very much a Good Girl, and she wants to change that, she wants to be her own person. 

like in january she got a tattoo in feminine script on her wrist that said ‘i belong deeply to myself’ and the entire time she felt like a Bad Girl okay????? and she just started smoking weed and that also makes her feel like a Bad Girl 

still pretty anxious, but she’s getting better. she’s on medication, now, and usually does something impulsive whenever she feels bad. or she writes. it’s fifty-fifty. 

very organized, almost to the point of being anal. 

very weird, abstract, neo-dadaist sense of humor. like stonks makes her wheeze.

she’s basically a big fuckin nerd okay??????????? 

usually very chill and relaxed, doesn’t get riled up too easily. it’s hard to tell when she’s having a panic attack because she just looks a little more zoned out than usual.  

cannot fucking flirt like at all. 

Big Virgin. 

her guilty pleasure is watching compilations of fox news pundits railing on and on about how the ipswich girls was written to promote witchcraft and the lesbian agenda. 

(also if you’re curious i put a summary of the ipswich girls here, even though its only bits and pieces but like if you’re curious. it’s basically the craft with fifteen-year-old girls, and also gayer. tw for suicide mention, brain damage and injuries. ) 

wanted connections. 

fast friend. someone who she got along with immediately upon coming to new york. 

childhood pen pal. i just think it’d be cute. 

crush. ella flirts by gazing tenderly across the room. 

philophobe. ella loves love, and this person doesn’t. for better or for worse, she’ll try to convince them otherwise. 

bad influence. and she is very willing to be influenced. 

wing(wo)man. she’s so bad at flirting please. somebody. anybody. 

deja vu. a negative connection; someone ella can’t get comfy around bc they remind her of her childhood bully. 

former dance rivals. ella used to do the competition circuit in ballet. she wasn’t particularly competitive, but her mom certainly was. probably a real dance moms situation. 

[boyinjeans]

Hi yes I’m dying right now can I get a Tedgens fic where Henry can? Not? Sleep? And goes to grab coffee so he can work where surprise surprise he finds Ted, angst/fluff ensues, your pick. Bonus points if nightmares are included.

yeah! sorry i just saw this, i’ve been busy lol. also trans!henry bc i’m projecting and i’m sad today lol

also tw/ d*ke and tr*nny used :/ uh fuck chad lmao

HENRY

It’s been years since I’ve gotten consistently decent sleep. Every now and again I can catch a wink or two, but most nights I survive off of coffee and maybe four hours of sleep. I know it’s unhealthy, but I can stop at any time. It’s just anxiety and probably ADHD, not insomnia or anything serious.

Emma’s been getting on my ass about sleeping lately because I’ve been quite... distant in class. I decided I would humor her and go to sleep at a decent time, but honestly I don’t think it’ll do much good for me. When I do sleep long enough to dream, I have nightmares. Sleeping just isn’t something I need to do. Not really anyways.

Regardless, here I am, lying in bed, trying to sleep. It’s about three am, and I’m still awake. Maybe I do have insomnia. So I take some NyQuil and lie down again, much more comfortable than before, and I find myself drifting off in no time.

Only I wake up again. In my college dorm. For a moment I’m very confused because I look down at myself at see a binder and my pre-T body. I inhale sharply thinking that it was all a dream, I’m not a professor, I haven’t transitioned fully, I don’t have friends or happiness or anything. I’m back in college and completely closeted to everyone except... Greg. And Steve. And Stu. And Mark. And Leighton. But not Chad.

I remember that I was planning to come out to him today. So I get out of bed and get dressed—he really thinks I’m just a tomboy, living in the boys’ dorms and dressing like a guy and acting like one. God is he clueless—and make my way to him dorm.

He answers the door shirtless and scans me up and down, a cute little smirk on his face. I see Mark and Leighton in the corner of the room, playing some board game, and they both give me a thumbs up. I smile and exhale. I can do this.

“Hey, Chad, can we talk?”

“Uh-oh, that sounds scary.” He laughs.

“No, not scary. Just important. Let’s go inside.”

We sit on the bed and I feel a rock settle in my stomach. This is Chad, I think. He loves me. He won’t react badly. I mean, it’s 2008, the world is a little more accepting now.

“What’s up Hayley?”

“Actually,” I gulp. I watch as Mark and Leighton discreetly leave the room. I wish they wouldn’t go. “My name is Henry.”

“What? Like a dude?” He laughs a bit. “C’mon, Hayley, that’s d*key.”

“No, it’s not. Because I’m not a girl, Chad. The guys already know and—“

“And they didn’t tell me?” Chad yells and stands up. “This all makes sense now. You’re a fucking tranny. God am I a dumbass. Get the fuck out of my room.”

“Chad, babe—“ I stand, but he slaps me and I fall to the bed.

“You know you’re just a confused little girl right? I never should have gotten mixed up with a freshman. I should’ve fucking known.” He grabs my arm and throws me towards the door. I land on my arm and hear a sickening crack. “Get the fuck out.”

“I—“

“Out!” Chad barrels towards me, but before he reaches me, I shoot up in bed, heaving and sweating, tears running down my face.

This is why I don’t sleep.

I check the time—4:52—and figure I can go to the coffee shop. They open in 8 minutes anyways. Emma should be working. It’ll be nice to see her.

It’s strange. I never have nightmares about the Apotheosis or the accident or familial deaths. It’s always about Chad. Sometimes he inches his way into my mind, so slowly that I barely notice, and before I know it, I’m missing him. No, not him, I’m missing the feeling of happiness he gave me. The happiness was always fleeting though, especially as he would always say things that put me down. Made me feel like shit.

I try not to think about him now.

When I get to Beanie’s, it’s 5:12 and I’m shaking like a small, annoying dog. I probably look manic, and honestly I feel as if I am. I’m just glad I’m not dreaming anymore, or maybe I am, because my nightmare felt terribly real.

I order quickly from Emma, but she notices something is wrong. She grabs my hand and calls me Henry—she knows it grounds me—and I try to meet her eyes but I can’t.

“I couldn’t sleep, Emma. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I’ll see you in class,” I try to turn around but her grip on my hand is tight.

“Henry. Stay here. I know you don’t have class until 10. I’ll be here. Just sit on your laptop and try to calm down. Coffee’s on the house today.” I open my mouth to protest but she beats me to it. “No ifs, ands, or buts.”

“Fine,” I grumble. That’s something I like about myself. My voice. Like velvetine, Ted once told me.

“Henry?” Speak of the devil. “I haven’t seen you since—“

“The Apotheosis?” I deadpan. Ted takes a seat across from me, and as much as I hate to admit it, he calms me down. He’s not like Chad. Not at all. Chad was sweet and sour and transphobic. Ted is an asshole with a secret soft side, a sex addiction, and an open mind.

“I’ve missed you,” he says honestly.

“You could have visited.”

“Well, I just, yknow—“

“Was over it?” I say bitterly.

Ted kind of left me high and dry. Once we were saved, we had to move out of Hatchetfield until it was clear. Most of us moved back, save Bill and his family. Charlotte moved too, to god knows where. Emma is finishing up college here, and then she and Paul are starting a pot farm in Colorado. I’m proud of her.

After we moved back, Ted just kind of dropped me. And I still don’t know why. Sure, we were never “official”—it always felt childish to label our relationship seeing as we were both middle aged men—but we sure as hell weren’t just a fling. Or maybe we were, and I was getting mixed signals. I never got over it, I just tried to forget it. I never go where he tends to go, and I never want to sleep in my old room because the sheets still smell like him.

Another reason I can’t sleep much.

“No, no no no no, I just—I-I don’t know.” Ted doesn’t stutter. “I don’t know, Henry. I was—“

“Why are you here so early? I always come here around this time to—“ avoid you. “—get a head start and you’re never here.”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Me either.”

It’s quiet for a moment.

“I’m sorry.” He’s earnest.

“Okay.” I’m not.

Ted’s gaze holds mine for awhile before I have to look away. I know I’m blushing because he’s smirking to himself thinking that he’s still got me wrapped around his finger. And he does. It’s bullshit. Maybe it’s because I’m so isolated and I’m just clinging to him out of touch deprivation and loneliness, but part of me feels like I would be clinging to him regardless. I’m not clingy, either.

“I was scared, okay?” He sighs. I don’t say anything, prompting him to continue. Scared of what, dumbass? I’m a walking fortress of safety. “Weirdly enough I didn’t want to lose you, so I pushed you away. I was afraid what we had was a heat of the moment thing. Like, we’re going to die! Might as well hook up with this dude. I’ve since realized how idiotic I am. But I never said anything because... you’re kind of hard to track down, yknow? And I thought showing up to your house would be too much and calling or texting would be too little, so...” he huffs. “Here we are. By chance.”

I’m not sure what he wants me to say. I’m angry at him for pulling a me and isolating himself, but I also empathize because I understand where he’s coming from. What a dumbass, though, honestly. I clung to him like a fucking koala every night and he didn’t realize how much I liked him.

“I thought the cuddling and forehead kisses kind of made it obvious it was more than a Doomsday Hookup to me,” I mumble.

“Oh.” He smiles a bit. “I’m glad—I’m glad you—I—shit. Do you wanna come over? Not to fuck, I just... I miss holding you,” he says quietly. “I really miss you Henry.”

I grab his hand. “Don’t run away again.”

“I won’t.”

[uncurieuxrenard]

Football is more French than you might think.

France has been part of my life since my birth, probably, but, through the years, this feeling grew stronger and stronger. There is actually a year where it started, and that's 2015, but it peaked in the summer of 2016, thanks to the European championship which took place in France. That tournament ended with France losing the final against Portugal, but that inspired me to research for the story of this sport I had just begun following (end of 2015). So I did. I am a perfectionist, so I wanted to dig as deep as possible into this mystery, the first of a long series of origin stories of inventions, sports and more, which, to be honest, were the main reason why I created this blog in the first place. So, I thought that the first one of these stories to share with you had to be the first I researched.

So, we will start from the very beginning and with the premise that, since the dawn of times, every civilisation having roamed Planet Earth has played games, and many of them involved a ball. There are evidences of ball games everywhere in the world, from Pre-Columbian America, where Mayans played the Tlachtli, the probable precursor of basketball, to Asia, and this is where our tale begins.

The civilisation is the Chinese one. The dynasty reigning is the Han. The century is the third B.C. The name of the game is Cuju. Born as a military training, this game, officially recognised by FIFA as the earliest form of the game, initially saw players trying to kick a feather-stuff ball into a goal made of two wood sticks planted on the ground. This game spread from the army to the royal courts and upper classes, always during the Han Dynasty, which lasted from 206 BC to 220 AD. Cuju evolved into something more complex where its popularity during the Tang Dynasty, and it started to resemble football even more. It became a team-oriented game and clubs started to be established, but its popularity exploded during the Song Dinasty (960-1279) and in the X century the first Cuju league was created, 800 years earlier than the British Football Association. Not bad. Eventually, cuju began to fade around the XVII century and soon disappeared.

In the same period cuju was being invented in China, in Europe the spiritual father of European football and rugby was being developed by the Greeks. Despite the image of the lone Greek athlete trying to reach for glory by himself, like a mythological hero, Greeks also played team-oriented games, and Episkyros was one of these. The teams of this violent game, especially in Sparta (where else?), were usually made up of 12-14 players. The field and the teams were divided into two by a line, and another line was behind them. The goal of the game was to push the ball to the other end of the field. This game incorporated, therefore, elements of both football and rugby, which actually were two sports of the same root at the time of their "inception" in XIX century England. But, according to some sources, even the atmosphere was similar back in Ancient Greece. One of these comes from the Egyptian writer Athenaeus of Naucratis' Deipnosophistae, which contains an excerpt dating from the IV century by Antiphanes, the famous comedy writer who describes a moment during an Episkyros game and the consequent reactions from the supporters, all written in a modern television commentary style:

"Once he took and passed the ball, he was enjoying that, while he was dodging an opponent and making another one of them fall on the ground. Then, he helped one of his team mates lift off the ground. All around were strong yells saying "out!", "long ball!", "high!", "low!", "short ball!", "shoot it back to the fray!"

Episkyros never was an Olympic sport in Ancient Greece, but, as you can read above, the agonism was all there, both from the athletes and the audience, unlike cuju, which was merely an exercise, a game. Sports and games always were a serious thing for the Greeks.

Once the Romans conquered Greece in 146 BC, one of the many things they "borrowed" from the Greeks was this game. Romans renamed it Harpastum and it is said that they introduced the rule which forbade to touch the ball with the hands. Plus, when Rome built the empire we all know, this game got immensely popular among the centurions defending the limes of the Roman Empire. This means that, while Greeks invented this game, Romans spread all over Europe (which means the British Isles, naturally).

Actually, the first mention of an unidentified ball game in Britain comes from the IX century AD. We cannot know whether it had anything to do with football, but probably this game was the Harpastum of some game deriving from it. What we know, though, is that the game which officially started it all came from... France.

In fact, if we want to find the actual origins of modern football we have to move to Northern France where, around the same time above mentioned, a new game developed and spread in Normandy and Picardy named Soule (or choule). This game was usually played after a religious function or during the holidays between two teams composed of people coming from two villages, usually close and rivals, but also between two different social statuses or situation (for instance, married men against bachelors et cetera). The game ended when one of the teams, composed of a potentially unlimited number, managed to push the ball with any means (besides the feet, sticks and hands were also allowed) towards the opponents' village, and then shot the ball into the portal of the local church, scoring de facto one gol. The ball disputed in a Soule game was made either of leather or animal bladders, filled with bran, hay, moss or horsehair. The field was of variable dimensions and could include ditches, streams, woods and wetlands, but the game started in the "midfield", which could be the border between the two churches (or "goals", in this case), the square of the village, a graveyard or even the castle of the local landlord.

As my description of this game may suggest, la Soule was a manly, violent game. While this was true, it was unexpectedly regulated and accompanied by an actual code of rules. Surely, it was much less violent than believed, since any type of violence towards the opponents was allowed. If today this sport is remembered as a barbaric, medieval game is surely thanks to the infamous, so called "remission letters", in which real court cases involving injuries and, some times, deaths, were evoked and told. When we actually think about the amount of players involved in a single game of this ancient sport, though, these sad cases were possible, as they are in every sport up to this day. Despite this, these letters helped give this game a bad, and equally unjustified, fame.

The first mention of the Soule in France dates back the year 1147, but it's almost sure that it was played in Northern France way before that date, since scholars are nowadays sure that this game was introduced in England by the Normans after William the Conqueror invaded the island in 1066. Moreover, this theory sounds incredibly plausible because the so-called "mob football", medieval English ball game from which modern football as we know it today descends, has no anterior mentions than 1174 on British soil, and, also, this mob football was characterized by almost identical features and rules than the French soule. However, I think it is right to specify that from the moment the soule was introduced in Britain, every development of the game that eventually led to the codification of modern football, the establishment of the Football Association in 1863 and the birth of the first football clubs (the first of which is Sheffield F.C.), all occured in the British Isles, even though soule kept being played, with discontinuity, on French soil at least until the XIX century.

A special mention goes to all the other subsequent ball games which were played throughout the history of Europe, from the Icelandic Knattleikr, first mentioned in XII century (but probably older) to the Italian Calcio Fiorentino from the Renaissance.

Finally, we can say that this long story tells us that we should never write or talk about history with the verb to be. Football, as in many other inventions and other things in history, is not English. This verb sounds like something definitive, an ended argument, as sure as death. As we can learn from this story, instead, history can surprise us with a lot of beautiful "maybes", "ifs", "actuallys", by showing us Ancient Chinese people kicking a ball, an Ancient Greek young man freestyling and medieval French people scoring goals by shooting balls inside churches, by playing a primitive form of the sport which eventually became the most popular one in our world.

[sombrz]

Please imagine me just delivering these on a platter to ur sickbed: akira, minako, ochako, iida, (tries to think of a marvel comic person) uhh flash

thank you, thank you. who needs cough medicine when you have shipping.

(edit: i’m 99% healthy. it took me that long to finish this mess.)

AKIRA: okay, i think i remember telling you how i was pretty chill with akira ships. like, if done right, i don’t mind any of them, except for futaba (because they’re siblings, fu). besides our collective issues with atlus and their inability to not be weird when it comes to the girls. also, i feel like what makes the p5 kids feel the most like actual friends is also what makes it harder for me to fully invest in any individual dynamic - they all meet throughout the course of the game (even ann and ryuji aren’t close friends beforehand, and there’s definitely no drama between them) and they help each other heal and get past their abusers so that they can have a fresh start and feel free to be normal teenagers. so there’s little to actually grab onto when searching for….anything layered? like, compared to the p3 kids who have so much inner turmoil that they take out on each other - or the p4 kids, who can’t be completely truthful to themselves or each other. the p5 kids do have baggage, but not with each other. which makes for healthier bonds but also more boring ship dynamics lmao. all very cute and fluffy, but not a lot of substance. 

point is, i don’t really have much to say? like akira/yusuke is fun and silly. akira is eccentric and cool enough to go along with yusuke’s antics, and even though p5 always gives us an option to be mean, i can’t imagine akira ACTUALLY thinking that kind of stuff? like, he’s a weirdo too so he just. gets it. yusuke basically takes akira out on dates during his social link. they lend themselves well to model/artist headcanons and aus. they don’t realize they’re dating until a few months into their relationship - one of the others had to point it out and yusuke’s like ‘oh? is that what this is??’ and akira’s like ‘thank god’ bc he was too awkward to bring it up himself. futaba makes fun of them a lot.

akira and ryuji are cute too. i’ve gotten a bit fond of the boner squad (br)ot3 too. just ann/ryuji/akira being dumbasses. or ann/shiho+ryuji/akira being dumbasses while going on double dates. there’s also not really much to it - just the usual persona teen boy ‘no-homo-bromo-but-it’s-actually-homo’ fare. ryuji’s less possessive and repressed about it than yosuke is, though. which is good (ie more healthy) bc it’s more like akira found himself a human puppy jock boyfriend, and it’s cute! ryuji instantly decided he liked akira and started planning their secret handshake and selecting their cool delinquent hangout spot. and akira just smiles through it all bc he’s charmed. morgana gives akira the most judgemental stare ever when he finds out though. 

i like akira/haru bc she’s who i dated in my playthrough. they’re soft and sweet and i think a slow relationship built on patience is good for both of them. and they have the most obvious phantom thief couple aesthetic, tbh. they also have the ‘demure wallflower by day, trigger-happy hellion by night’ thing going on. i love the idea of them opening up a coffee place together (their futures align! this is the SO that sojiro approves the fastest lbr!) and akira being haru’s trophy husband (let this man be someone’s trophy husband).

akira/goro’s the one with the most depth lmao as our boy akechi gets the short end of the stick re: what everyone else got - to defeat their abuser and come out the other side a new and improved person. INSTEAD, it’s all about deep-rooted envy and what-ifs. when i replayed p5 for my friend’s benefit, she kept being like ‘wow ok akechi’s got….the most obvious crush on mc. why is he always here? why does he talk like that? omg?’ and my sentiments exactly. AKIRA’S thoughts exactly, tbh, bc what else is he supposed to get out of some of the things that come out of goro’s mouth. but it’s like….he DOES like akira, but he also resents his existence because akira gets to have real bonds and happiness despite the crappy hand dealt to him. and their own bond is based on careful lies and observing each other for any cracks in their armour. but there’s that undertone of wishing that they’d met in other circumstances, where they COULD have a normal relationship and get to know each other in a way that’s not ‘we levelled up our relationship when you shot me in the face with the intent of murdering me and framing me for my own death but really, i tricked you and you didn’t actually kill me & now we can defeat you and your dad! ha! checkmate!!’ but i love that that’s actually part of the dynamic so lmao.

MINAKO: you know, despite minako and minato being considerably different (both their external personality/appearances > emo boy/preppy girl  - and the changes in their dialogue choices > again, minako is a lot more confrontational and energetic), i pretty much just ship them with the same people?

the only exceptions of this being i ship minako with shinjiro and yukari but can’t really fathom either of them with minato. (it’s bc yukari is a lesbian and shinji does not deal well with sullen people. like, what’s he supposed to do? pat minato on the back?) 

i will also warn that it’s been….forever since p3 so i’m kinda fuzzy on details. 

anywhoooooo, AIGIS. main protag ship is aigis. idc which protag, but i must give atlus my once-in-a-blue-moon compliment because they kept aigis’ social link and her blatantly romantic feelings for the protag the exact same in portable. so minako/aigis is just as canon as minato/aigis, buahaha. anyway. robot girlfriend who starts off being somehow programmed to feel protective/indebted to minako but then starts developing real genuine feelings as she explores her humanity, minako wanting to show aigis how to enjoy herself while putting the emphasis on aigis’ feelings and opinions but also being so amazed and grateful for aigis’ love and attention. also, the difference between protags here being that while minato is silently intimate, minako is loudly loving. the utter tragedy that is aigis not being able to save the person she cares about, the imagery of minako’s head in her lap while they wait for the end is….A Lot. i think in a lot of tragic robot/human romance fiction, the robot gives up its life for their human partner so i like the reverse here - with aigis having to experience the emotions of loss and depression and overcoming that because she truly loved mina(k/t)o and now they’re gone. it’s heavy! it’s a lot! i just remembered i never finished the p3 movies! i should do that!

there’s ryouji. again, don’t care which protag - just like the idea of our mc flirting with death. literally flirting with the avatar of death. the double sides of the ship: goofy teenage flirting vs warning of impending doom. ryouji just being like ‘yeah just kill me it’s for the best i’m actually here to destroy the world or w/e’ to his gf (or bf) out of nowhere on christmas eve lmao. it’s fun, idk.

yukari! honestly, taking out all the forced hetero ship teasing made me ship her with minako more lmao their social link was just better! no offense! and their personalities mesh better too - i feel like yukari would get way too frustrated with a closed-off partner and i love concept of: the huffy takes-no-shits girl being soft for her cheerful outgoing gf. also, i spent way too long imagining the answer with minako - the aigis/minako/yukari would be heartwrenching and we deserve it. 

shinjiro! can i start off by saying it’s a good thing shinji was in p3, which did the best job of showing the characters apart from the protagonist and main plot (prob bc on the other hand, it did the worst job with social links seeing as none of the guys had them) - i feel like in p4 or p5, we wouldn’t have gotten to know him nearly as well before he died. anyway, his social link with minako is really sweet and a romance between them hits my ‘tsundere/flustered boy not knowing how to deal with affection from pretty girl he respects a lot’ checkpoints. and i need to talk about this: i feel like the decision to make him comatose instead of dead if you romance him was a double edged sword disguised as a blessing lol. because he was still DYING before he got shot, and also he wakes up just in time to find out his girlfriend died! fhdhfgdjd! 

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uraraka……okay: i ship her with tsuyu, bakugou, iida, mina and toga. 

oh, here’s a story. before i got into bnha, i stumbled on a bunch of deku/uraraka amvs and they were so precious. like, really, deku and ochako are the cutest goddamn things in this series. seeing them side by side makes me want to channel my inner grandmother and pinch their cheeks. it was, like, the only thing i knew about bnha at first, so i just figured i’d end up shipping it whenever i eventually got to watching it bc i’m easy to please like that. but ha. nah. it’s sad bc i love their dynamic when it’s focusing on their actual friendship but then the actual romantic hints made me want to roll my eyes so hard. it’s so BORING if you take it at face-value, and i’m so boggled by it if you look deeper bc i don’t understand what hori’s planning here. it’s irritating bc even uraraka admits that her borderline obsession (and that’s what it is, since it’s compared to TOGA’S CRUSHES…y’know, our resident yandere serial killer?) is detrimental to her growth as a hero. and i know it’s partially bc she’s a teenager but its blown so out of proportion. it’s a crush!! relax!!! like, compare to deku’s crush on uraraka where after he got over his initial anxiety of talking to girls, he - at most - just blushes a little when she stands too close or dresses extra-cute. every other time, he treats her no differently than any of his other friends. but then uraraka’s crush is treated like. this weirdly twisted admiration she doesn’t even WANT. she relates to a villain’s desire to imitate and become the person they like, she gets ridiculously jealous every time he looks at another girl, she keeps fucking up because she focuses too much on him and how to be like him. it’s weird. idk. typical fiction tropes lead me to believe i’m supposed to root for them to get together (and bnha will end with an epilogue where they have a child named after a food) but the story i’m being told makes me want to root for uraraka to succeed at getting over those feelings! idfk!!!

also, i have to laugh at the way horikoshi decided to tell us and uraraka herself that these feelings were romantic. by having aoyama just be like ‘oh you were thinking what would izuku midoriya do? could it be you love him?’ when we see multiple male friends of deku’s (iida and todo, in particular - hell, even aoyama himself) have similar WWMD thoughts and he, in turn, instantly imitates bakugou whenever he hits a roadblock (taking inspiration from to downright copying bakugou’s moves, trash talking his opponents, etc). am i supposed to see only uraraka’s feelings as romantic? why? because she’s a girl and deku’s a guy?

i like it better when iida’s involved. both iida and uraraka are so sweet and enthusiastic to counter deku’s more nervous personality, and they’re a very good trio! i tend to prefer them as a brot3 but as i said, i do ship iida/uraraka seperately! i don’t have any big reasons for it except i enjoy how contagiously energetic and silly they are around each other? dramatic too - remember the ‘REACH FOR MY HAND’ scene when all the UA students were freaking out? it’s just a simple best friend dynamic like what they have with deku but there’s no weird one-sided jealousy/competitiveness involved (luckily, iida got over it after the stain arc haha). they don’t end up feeling bad or unworthy of the praise they get from the other - which is great, because they’re very complimentary towards each other! iida is so understanding (his immediate reaction to uraraka being self-conscious about her reason for pursuing heroism) & uraraka is usually the one who vocalizes how cool and talented iida is (while also giggling her ass off whenever he gets all extra-dramatic)! tbh, curse their aborted moment after iida’s match with mei! let them praise each other!!! i like that their seats are so close to each other too - i wonder how horikoshi decided on the seating plan. but uraraka’s tendency to shake iida by the shoulders is precious & i bet you he breaks his staunch ‘follow-every-rule’ mentality when it comes to uraraka writing him little notes in class. also, maybe uraraka just deserves a sweet+rich boyfriend. it’s that easy. lmao.

i already talked about bakugou/uraraka. it’s great, dripping with potential, needs more canon interaction. i only trust a portion of its fanbase to do them properly. but this is the case for almost every big ship. (where’s that one fandom meme where one of the questions was like ‘what do you hate seeing in fanfic/content for them’ bc NOW THAT I’M ACTUALLY READING FANFIC AGAIN, LEMME TELL YOU. BEING A MULTISHIPPER IS HARD.)

tsuyu and uraraka are just genuinely a good match? i like the contrast between uraraka - who is emotional and upbeat - and tsuyu - who is calm and rational. but they’re both very perceptive? their first night at the dorms is a good indicator of how their dynamic works. the others are quick to accept that tsuyu doesn’t want to play along with the room competition, but uraraka both provides the excuse and lingers behind with worry. she probably had to convince tsuyu that it was okay for her to vocalize her feelings to the bakugou rescue squad, and volunteered to be with her during said confrontation. compare to the forest where tsuyu sweetly and calmly offers uraraka her hand because she sees her friend is scared, without actually needing to say anything else. they’re sweethearts. i absolutely adore them. oh, and i dig their earth/sky + pink/green aesthetic clash.

uraraka and mina are based on two things: 1) they’re always hugging and hanging out in official art/sketches (mina even has a selfie of them hanging on her wall of pics in her room) so i can only assume they’re super-close gal pals that should kiss, 2) i love shipping silly idiots together and it’s hard to find ships like this that are f/f but these two fit that specific chaotic mold!!! and 3) AESTHETIC DREAM!!! PINK SPACE GIRLS!!!! DO I NEED ANY OTHER REASONS? NO. NO, I DO NOT.

HOLY SHIT, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT’S OFFICIALLY CANON THAT TOGA HAS A ROMANTIC CRUSH ON URARAKA? again, i could write an essay on coding and how frustrating it is for characters like toga to usually be bi/pan. but no one’s claiming this a win for rep. and i’m FASCINATED by this dynamic. toga loves stain-sama for his ideals and how that enables her nature to kill. she loves deku-kun out of curiousity for his ideals and the fact they met when he was beaten to a pulp lmao. and she loves ochako-chan because she sees herself in her - she thinks that they share ideals. again, i have no idea what the long-term meaning for this development is but it’s clearly pitting them against each other? and adding a romantic element to that is hmmmmmmmmm. we’ll see, we’ll see. and like i mentioned above, it’s shocking and worrying and makes me ship uraraka and toga more that uraraka ALSO sees the similarity between her and toga. she’s horrified by the implications of it but she hears toga’s spiel and tries to fruitlessly deny that ‘yeah, she’s right. that’s how i am. we’re the same.’ if i were to ever write a traitor!uraraka fanfic (which i would if i could ever FINISH a writing project), it’d be uraraka/toga and uraraka trying to convince herself she’s better than toga, that she still has a moral code and her reasons for joining the league have more weight to it, and she doesn’t!!! care!!! what toga thinks of her!!! and expecting a rivalry but toga doesn’t meet that head-on because instead, toga wants to be close and connected to uraraka. toga has this kind of mature soft side we’ve seen before (with twice) that shows how she can see you at your core (her fight w/ uraraka also showed that) and i want to see uraraka to be on the end when she thinks she doesn’t deserve it and doesn’t trust toga and just being frustrated and confused over it all.

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iida…….i think deku, todoroki, uraraka and aoyama are my biggest ships for him. also, i don’t ship it myself but momo/iida/todoroki’s rich kid squad is A REALLY FUN DYNAMIC AND OT3.

LET’S BE REAL: IIDA/DEKU IS SO UNDERAPPRECIATED IN THIS FANDOM. ALL IIDA SHIPS ARE BUT….IIDA/DEKU. iida’s goddamn….tucked deku into bed. threw his hat in the ring of rivals. there’s official art of iida giving deku a shoulder ride. he punched him to make him see how his actions are affecting him - “haven’t you thought about how *I* feel [about you putting yourself in peril]?!” like. bro. okaaaay. i still laugh that they got on the wrong foot initially - deku was so scared of iida sjfhhf like he was equally worried he’d be stuck in the same class as iida as he was about kacchan. thankfully, iida’s a sweetheart who cares with all his heart, and he sees all that there is to admire about deku, so they became instant friends after that. and iida means SO MUCH to deku. i pay a lot of attention to how future!deku talks in his narration, because he normally interrupts the narrative to move the story along - by talking about minor time skips, the movement of the villains, etc. but he also tends to wax a bit poetic about his friends. like when he interrupted everything to give us a side-story about how and aoyama became bffs. so we can assume that aoyama’s friendship means a lot to adult izuku. or how comforting and important it is to me that even as an adult, he refuses to stop calling bakugou ‘kacchan’. it’s sweet. in that same vein, it strikes me that deku still holds an amount of guilt for not supporting iida better during the whole ingenium-stain debacle. it ended….much better than it could have, and that experience was what strengthened iida/deku/todo’s relationship. yet as an adult, deku still wishes he could have done more. offered iida the help he needed before he went rushing in. hoo. but anyway, yeah, they’re cute! wholesome nerd boys! cute height difference! also yeah, i’m glad that iida got over his sports-festival-era feelings of inferiority towards deku. deku loves competition, but you can tell that he didn’t want that out of his relationship with iida (compare to how he outright covets a rivalry with bakugou and accepted it from todoroki w/ his head held high). it wasn’t based on healthy feelings and they’re so much better as supportive bfs.

iida and todoroki have a lot of stuff in common as legacy heroes who were trained from childhood to be heroes - with the major difference that todoroki faced horrifying abuse that prevented him from having a close relationship with his siblings and made him want to reject his legacy, while the iidas are good folk and iida’s brother means the world to him and he’s so far one of the only heroes we know to reuse a superhero identity based on legacy. and even the painful bullshit (like the ‘take out your muffler and a new, stronger one will grow in’ thing) was something that iida went through on his own accord and with warning. and todoroki’s words of encouragement during the stain arc were based on his own life lesson! they both come off as very serious and abrasive elites at first glance, but they’re actually dorky and socially awkward! but i think they get each other - i imagine they have a very calming friendship, no need for pretenses and judgement, and they deserve that! they probably think the other is hilarious too even though absolutely no one else gets the joke! they had a lot of cute moments recently since they were paired in the same 1A vs 1B match. like iida can just…tell the minute differences in todoroki’s expression and demeanour apart and knows when there’s something wrong. and they’re just so humble and sweet and can’t handle the other being self-deprecating. they’re good boys, brent.

already talked about iida/uraraka. they’re cute, i love them.

AOYAMA THOUGH. knight boys! they were so good during the exam! it really got me that aoyama didn’t even consider the idea that iida might not abandon him, might want to help him and win together instead of just use him to get ahead himself - and iida didn’t even really get the emotional realization aoyama went through there but he was still like ‘YEAH WE DID GOOD! I’M GLAD YOU FEEL BETTER! THUMBS UP! :D’ they’re both very dramatic and - i don’t know how to describe it….they pose a lot, talk with their limbs. they’re silly, is what i mean. and maybe aoyama ALSO deserves a loving, rich boyfriend. MAYBE IIDA SHOULD BE EVERYONE’S LOVING RICH BOYFRIEND. but in this case, aoyama’s boyfriend who will carry him bridal-style everywhere, much to aoyama’s glee lol. except when he’s dragging him along via his cape. whatever works.

also, side note, i find it kinda interesting that fandom pairs him up with girls like mei and camie - when i just….feel like he’d be so out of his element and sooo overwhelmed? i’m wincing just thinking about it lol poor iida.

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i’m glad you specified marvel bc if you’d just said ‘comic’, i would have assumed you meant THE flash and i would be forced to sit here and think of every dc speedster ship…..well, it wouldn’t be as bad as spidey ships (honestly i’m very basic with speedsters - it’s just like ‘speedster/their spouse’ with the adults (even wally - linda or bust, tbh) and ‘speedster/their best friends’ with the teens), but we’d be here longer. 

BUT FLASH THOMPSON? i already mentioned my two big ones, with venom and peter but i’m def willing to talk more about them.

 flash/venom, a man and his gooey alien husband. i love that it’s a relationship based on self-growth and healing from past hurt and stopping destructive habits and cycles (both that cause self-harm and harm onto others). one of my favourite panels is still where flash pleads with peter to not let his anger seep into venom because venom’s gotten past all that. he’s a better person (being. alien. thing.) now and doesn’t want to turn to feeding on rage ever again. and that’s true for flash (a victim of child abuse who bottled up all that sadness and rage and took his aggression out on other kids) as well. it’s just so….nice. and venom credits all this to flash. and a thing i find about venom is that its unhealthy dynamics are all about control - you’re just its host, it possesses you against your will, you become an out-of-control villain. but with flash, venom sees a partner and home - they need and belong with each other, they communicate and cooperate, they became a superhero. also i love how they’re seriously affectionate and intimate - that’s just kind of a given with venom, i think, because you have to invite & accept it as part of yourself. but flash is so soft with venom - while he’s not as….hm, vocal about it as eddie ‘ooh my love my darling~’ brock is (he’s also a bit less obsessive haha sorry eddie), he’s so protective and likes giving venom headscratches and kissy faces to the point others react to it like they would witnessing PDA. i just want flash to be all cute and smooch his husband when they’re not like. one singular entity. CAN YOU BELIEVE THE HEALTHIEST DYNAMIC FOR FLASH TO BE IN IS WITH A SYMBIOTIC ALIEN GOO CREATURE? I CAN. AND I’M THANKFUL FOR IT.

 i also ot3 them with eddie for the sake of my peace of mind where everyone’s happy. where venom’s not torn between two loves, and eddie doesn’t feel the need to think things like ‘it’s tough being someone’s second best’ and ‘i’d like to think he’d do the same for me but part of me knows that would be a lie. it’ll always be flash.’ and having those thoughts because he literally FEELS that pull towards flash? like he inherited those feelings, he KNOWS what it’s like to love flash thompson. LIKE, YO????? GIVE ME THAT SYMBIOT3.

then there’s flash/peter, the funniest super/civvie id love triangle in the world. flash having the biggest hero crush on spider-man in high school - so many superheroes to choose from but spidey is the best, because he’s an underdog, because he gets pushed down and refuses to give up, because he’s SO GODDAMN COOL - while simultaneously thinking peter is frankly, the worst? but in that terrible way where he fixates on peter even when he’s not part of the conversation. waiting for him to leave school so he can be mean to him, feeling frustrated whenever he tries to be nice to the guy and peter either ignores, rejects or insults him in return. peter just being like ‘Sigh’ whenever flash insults him by gushing about spidey, but that’s also why he can’t dislike flash no matter how bad their relationship is. how can he hate spidey’s biggest fan? and also he probably gets a good amount of pleasure out of flash’s gf liz allen having a crush on him. peter also does this to johnny and his gf, dorrie evans - they’re frienemies in high school and kind of obsessed with each other,,,,’heRE’S MY LIST OF 500 REASONS WHY I HATE THE HUMAN TORCH’ OK PETE RELAX. so yeah, peter, despite having genuine feelings for betty brant, hits on liz and dorrie whenever they cross paths and lets them use him to make their hot blond boyfriends jealous. (peter, maybe you ARE the worst. stop it.) and then when they get to college and end up in the same friend group, flash slowly realizes that peter is like. hot now? and like, kind of a cool dude who went through a lot! like, he thought peter was a jerk in HS but he’s actually really nice when he wants to be and is always in your corner! ‘wow, i really like and respect pete! i’m proud to be his friend!’ flash thinks while staring at peter’s biceps. meanwhile, peter has no idea what’s going on because he keeps expecting flash to turn back into a dick (and steal one of his girlfriends lmao) but instead, he just keeps proving he’s a great guy! and keeps confiding in him! and uh, complimenting him a lot? and still fanboys over spidey and that’s really endearing! and oh, he’s really gonna miss him whenever he’s on tour and the idea of flash dying is unthinkable and he really likes being his roommate and he’s who he wants to be his best man and he doesn’t get why flash doesn’t seem to realize how great he is, and welp, he just punched captain america in the face for not telling him flash was agent venom. anyway, bottom line: i like dynamics that are very….long-term and constantly changing? so i tend to fall for the enemies/rivals to friends to lovers thing. or friends to enemies to lovers. but this is a former situation for sure.

also, i’m convinced every corner of the college crew pentagon happened. flash and harry MUST have at least made out once and neither was sure how to deal with the aftermath of that for a couple of months. he’s kissed and casually dated gwen AND mj - but i find it interesting that it seems like neither girl really ever considered him a contender. gwen cares about him but sees him as a shoulder to vent to about her issues with peter, and mj has a lot of fun with him but also considers him the male version of her (outgoing and bright but unwilling to commit and act serious). and he interestingly backs down quickly when peter decides to make a move on the girls. like, compared to his love triangle with liz and peter where i feel he was pretty resistant to letting her go - especially to someone like puny parker, he responds to peter’s accusations re: gwen and mj with ‘hey, relax. it’s not like that. i wouldn’t do that to you.’ i take it as him growing up and not feeling the need to overcompensate to impress his dad and also maybe the fact that he’s a bit more aware of how closeted he is. but it’s weirdly different with harry (*cough* cause it’s the first dude aside from peter he had any romantic interaction with *cough*) so he just……..dances around those feelings (on top of both of their feelings for peter) until harry starts dating liz (BECAUSE EVERYONE DATES EVERYONE IN PETER’S CIRCLE OF PALS, I GUESS) and he’s just like ‘???????????? well okay then’.

i like his dynamic with felicia as much it also pains me - that felicia went into it thinking she could use flash to hurt peter (’i’ll break your heart like he broke mine!’) but then ended up legitimately falling for him and started hoping for a normal life with him. also that they liked hanging out in terrible workout clothes. nerds. (alas, it didn’t last bc….FLASH, BUD….BUDDY….I CAN’T BELIEVE MARVEL HAD FLASH SAY THAT AND THEN PROBABLY SAT BACK AND THOUGHT ‘YUP PETE’S BEST BUD FLASH IS TOTALLY STR8′) and i need to read more of him and betty to get a handle of that but. what i’ve gotten from the panels i’ve seen that it’s very dependant on the writer and has the same problem flash’s relationships with liz, gwen, mj and felicia had where there’s a lot of love there but the actual romantic element is….lacking? falls short? fizzles out? where he seeks out a connection to peter(/spidey) through his romantic relationship with a woman peter used to be involved with and pushes said woman away when she starts getting in too deep?

anyway, that just turned into an essay about how flash thompson has been gay since his conception and only like, 20% (maybe less) of writers in charge of writing him have actually realized it.

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

[yoonminist]

💕 crush stories p4 💕

My relationship with my crush is a little complicated lol she's the softes bean ever and has a lot of problems she doesn't wants to talk about and I'm the only one who's there for her but last year everything just went down because i needed a friend to be there for me but she treated me like shit so i turned to another friend and we started dating. While i was in this relationship my crush got a boyfriend (who treats her like shit) After 6 month of dating my gf me and my crush became best friends again and i spent a lot of time with her. I broke up with my gf last week because i had to realise we only dated because we were both lonely. Now I'm back at pining over the smallest cutest girl in the whole world while i have to take care of her or she would probably die dnkdks i actually got her to watch httyd with me as her bf was being an ass and she loved it even tho she usuall hates animation movies lol 

you’re right this is complicated lmao so she’s still with her bf ??? even though she’s cute and has her own problems you don’t deserve to be treated like shit so i hope you cleared up whatever that was,,, i suggest you take a little time to enjoy being single before you start thinking about dating this crush now because i’ve seen people date for the sake of not being lonely and it usually isn’t good in the long term but good luck!! and i don’t know how bad her bf is but she should dump him

He's not texting since 3 days ago (our first date)... I think i don't like him any more 💔😭 we've been friends for 5 years...

:’( either he treats you better or you drop him bc you deserve better than that ♡

I think im a little strange, there's a guy that i like(a lot) he is really cool, funny and smart, but i think he is gay. Rather than i'm being sad or something alike, i ship him with his friend, but i still liking him. I'm getting crazy :')

ohhhh does he actually like his friend though or do you just ship them because you think he’s gay ?

aaa, so i've liked this guy for almost 3 months and i did the Thing where i told him (which never happens, because i'm usually way too shy and i tend to want to tamp my feelings back to nothing). that night, we spent hrs walking blocks and blocks and he told me he doesn't like anyone atm, which i understood 100%. after that, it really wasn't bad and we actually hung out at a lookout point for a few more hrs into the morning before he took me home. he's the first person in a while that made me feel so nervous, excited, fluttery, good about myself in a long time. i think (i hope) that i'll be over him soon - at the end of it all, he's still a good friend. the butterflies haven't left yet though - my lil heart won't stop hoping and he's not gonna stop being cute and gosh darn attractive and lovely anytime soon 😫 (ty for letting me rant through this! you're one of my favorite blogs 💝) 

THIS IS SO CUTE ahh im glad you went for it!! even though he told you he didn’t like anybody it’s better that you know and don’t spend all this time being hung up on him and wondering about What Ifs so i’m happy for you ♡ he sounds like such a nice friend though so i’m glad you have a person like him in your life and hope that you get over him asap (and thank you !! you’re so sweet 💖)

My crush is an asshole who played push and pull with me for 3 years and recently decided to declare that he likes me, but he's still not sure about us. He said, i quote: 'what if i ask you out and then change my mind' . So we're at square one again😂 he is such an attractive guy, i can't give up on him😭

NO no matter how cute he is you should get rid of him omg what an asshole-ish thing to say,,, trust me even if it’s hard at first you’ll be way happier when you’re over him !! he doesn’t deserve you!!!! ♡

My crush is actually in Korea for the summer (no lie, he's an exchange student at my school). He's so adorable and sweet, but we almost never talk or hang out, and whenever we do I'm always the one to initiate :c Just trying to be optimistic and open about everything rn :s

optimism is good!! hopefully it isn’t because he isn’t interested or already has someone but i guess the best way to find out is always to hint at it or outright ask about his love life ??

Does it count if my crush and I recently married? lol because even though he is my husband not a day goes by that my heart does not flutter with something he does. Wether it be hugging, hand holding or even a smile directed my way, I still get butterflies like crazy. He is the most kind caring and thoughtful person I have had the pleasure of meeting. He is silly and loves laughing. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile I have ever seen. But maybe I'm just being biased lol I love my crush 💜

AWWW CONGRATS ON YOUR MARRIAGE this is so nice ✨✨✨ i love this n hope you’re happy together for As Long As You Both Shall Live

The last time I had an actual full blown crush on someone it was in seventh grade and Jesus Christ let me tell you I was so dramatic over it?? The dude's initials are M.J and I once burst into tears cause I saw the letters on my tv once and we had these letter stickers back then so I put M and J together next to the Pc and whenever someone asked about it I was like it's Michael scofield bc that was back when prison break was ongoing. God I cringe so much now when I look back at it lmaoooo

you burst into tears when you saw his initials fjngjnfjgfn   

Okay so my crush is a girl and omfg, she's so pretty?? Her hair falls just above her shoulders and she has brown hair & brown eyes and I take most of my classes with her, but we have the most fun in German, Economics & Managment and Organisation. So she has a lot of... character (idk lol). She is hella stubborn and takes shit from no one but so do I so we banter and insult each other A LOT, but it's always playful so we never feel insulted. But the thing is that i'm a girl too And I didn't even know I liked girls too until I met her lol (so now i'm a closet bi girl). But the thing that gives me hope is that we low key flirt? We send each other snaps stating how much we love each other and always call each other bae/babe etc. I know girl friends do this but it's different I don't even act that way with my best friend and neither is she? And she once confessed to me that she kissed a girl when she was really drunk, but didn't feel anything with it And once we were hanging out with friends, she was drunk and this guy was lying on top of her (a friend who gets real touchy when drunk, but it was all good no harassment of some sorts) she like kept calling me to help, nothing real big. But she also got jealous once when I send a snapchat to her best friend (she was with her @ the time) & she was like why didn't you snap me? So i'm really confused and idk if she likes me too? Sorry for the ramble :(

i relate to this so much lmao i found out i was bi through my first gf too so this all sounds AWFULLY familiar,, i’ll just say if you joke about being in a r/s all the time it’s a sign that you should level it up to a real one but from what you’re telling me i have a good feeling about this!! i hope she really is into you and that you end up dating ❤ (and that you keep me updated whoops)

so im in marching band and there's this one guy in color guard who's really good and the way he can move his body is just like impossible to look away from? and he's really attractive like the other day he was wearing a shirt that had kind of a low neckline and his collarbone was really prominent and i just ahhh??? im not sure if he knows i exist but he's just really attractive help

I LOVE IT I HOPE HE NOTICES YOU AND IT’S LOVE @ FIRST SIGHT

im crushing on this guy for over 3 years. he is a meanie but i like him a lot :') this past week he confessed and said he liked me. but he is not sure if he wants a relationship. we even went out on something like a date :D im very confused rn ahahaha

you need to be clear with this kind of stuff in a r/s so just ask him!! trust your gut though, no matter how much you like him i think that if you don’t think you’ll be happy dating him then just don’t do it :’( ♡

Hey it's the anon that may or may not be gay who has a crush on the girl named Ramona. So.... I think I fucked up. A few friends of mine threw this huge party this weekend and I made sure to tell Ramona so she'd go (I mean goody2shoes at a party come on how cute is that?) So about an hour or 2 into the party she shows up with some friends and I hang around her most of the night, and when I'm not WITH her I made sure I knew where she was. See the part where I messed up is that Im not the best with alcohol... And I drank a bit much. Now I remember kissing Ramona. And that's it. However according to some friends I kissed her she slapped me I pushed her... into the pool and she left crying. Now its Monday and she wont look me in the eye (it's lunch rn and English is next) what do I do?!? I'm an obvious drunk asshole, BUT THATS THE THING! I was DRUNK! I mean I wanna apologize but I can't even get close to her with her friends there

NOOOOO oh my god you really did fuck up ;; can’t you text her asking if you guys can talk ?? tell a friend what happened and hope she’ll understand and let you explain?? honestly i have no idea but i hope you sort it out and let her know how sorry you are but also don’t beat yourself up too much!! accidents happen even if they are bad, it’s ok in the end as long as you apologise,,,,, good luck ♡ and don’t drink around her again ;;

[persional]

im only getting drunker and im outta content so im gonna write a post for sober me to stumble upon one fateful day and the post is gonna be about laurel i really miss them and i dont know where we stand at all im really bad at casual unlabeled things i was bad at polyamory im bad at it ! i realized recently we had 2 first kisses and they called the 2nd one “the real one” im in l*ve maybe not really but i keep thinking i think bc it’s conditioned in me i don’t like the time before you get to say i love you why cant i just tell everyone i love them all the time except like friends that im not that close to who will just say it like thats not ideal. they said and then repeated that they want to see me as soon as they get back and it’s like that reassurance i keep coming back to and i hate being the one to always text back but most of it is im fucking bored theres like 3 people left here who will voluntarily hang out with me. im so glad i dont lie that takes so much of the weight off of my social interactions to just be like yeah im gonna tell the truth rn. the first time we had s*x laurel said promise me one thing just promise me you won’t break me into a billion tiny pieces just promise me you won’t lie to me. and i was like i have some extremely good news for you because i only ever lie to myself. i like them a lot. a Lot. kissing them feels like being on a roller coaster which i know because i went on a roller coaster a few weeks ago and as we started to freefall i thought this is exactly what it feels like to kiss laurel. i feel like their name shouldn’t be capitalized so that way the beginning can be the same as the end like a marble rolling around in your mouth that starts and then ends right on the tip of the tongue even though technically one is a light L and the other is a dark /l/. im drinking my last four loko tonight and hoping to get schwasted and hoping to stop needing to drink in order to go to sleep soon. not my last of all time i should clarify just the last one we have in the fridge. savannah gets back on tuesday late night on tuesday and laurel gets back at some point on wednesday im not sure what time and im afraid to ask i think i’ll ask just a day or two before so there’s kind of... because savannah and i are planning to hang out a lot that day and also to get dinner with savannah’s cousins and although i dont think it would be the end of the world if i left in the middle of dinner it obviously won’t be ideal. im listening to my cancer season playlist and honestly it’s really good. i really don’t want to eat this apple pie i’d rather just have another quesadilla or better yet some fried rice. i guess i could microwave more peanut noodles but i kind of hate those at this point like theyre a little disgusting no ? i started writing this post bc i saw a post about someone’s favorite thing about girls they said it was ‘the way they stroke you’ and i thought about us holding hands and holding each other and their freckles and the coconut oil on their face and how their eyes are brown in the center and green on the edges  and how i don’ t deserve any of it im not sure if we’re anything close to dating but i still strongly contest savannah’s assertion that she thinks it’s just physical theyve said ‘i really like you (too)’ they said ‘i romanticize you’ they came to me house after i made that song, that song got me laid and i think about that all the time and it’s not like we always have sex sometimes we just sleep together in the same bed and i feel so real with them it’s so hard to feel like im not just slipping into the version of myself that somebody wants me to be and i realized after a year with adrianne i realized there are parts of myself that i’m putting on which aren’t parts of me at all there are parts of me! there is a height to the frequency to my voice! there is a demureness because she wants a woman and i can’t be butch and hers at the same time but i don’t feel like that now and im trying really hard to be real and i hope theyre doing the same i hope theyre not... once they came over with another friend after a party and once our friend left and we were kissing on the couch they started crying and i just wanted them to feel safe it’s so rare that someone is crying and you actually get to hold them. they were crying and im thinking about duck butter now because it’s usually me who isn’t real even if im not lying im not being myself and this time it’s not me so it can only be them and i never know how they feel or what they’re thinking and they’ll say something like uh yeah i like you or they’ll kiss me, once i was kissing them goodbye as i left their house and their housemate saw us it was so funny and also the first time anyone else has seen us kiss idk im not sure where we stand i asked about it probably too early when we were high i said what is this what are we doing and they said i don’t know but i like it. so like i really don’t know and i gave them a chance and i don’t know what to do like maybe they really think it is just a physical thing and they feel roped in but there have been times when they said things that absolutely were not required and i was like oh Hm? im just trying to be fucking real but theyre not great at communicating,, fucking air signs am i rite, theyre a gemini and i think about that all the time how ive dated 2 pisces and 2 leos, we don’t know each other which savannah has pointed out and the thing is im sure savannah is like just concerned for me but it comes off as if she’s not supportive of the relationship at all and im worried that shes jealous idk i know there are a lot of people who like laurel bc uhhh theyre hot and incredible and smart and hilarious and. everything god theyre such gf material. im so alone rn no one will even fav mine tweets. im a huge fan of the improv comedy team at our school, they recently changed their name to princess wolfpipe which is objectively a bad name but before it was fellatio rodriguez yeah porn bots get at me, anyway they didnt like that it was like 5 whiteys with the name rodriguez attached to it which is fair like very woke very reed of you sure. hhhhhhhhhh i just remembered they read my anthro essay and like.,, had sex with me After that. god. hell. wow. i must not be that bad at essays after all even the ones i half-ass. chrome is underlining so many of the words in this post little do they know im a linguist and a literature major. anyway i think i could be drunk enough now to admit ive not eaten pussy in like a week and it is in fact wearing on me at this point like im literally that tweet about the person stirring som e mac n cheese and passing out but it’s been honestly a week if that they left on the 3rd right so ya 8 days. ok i feel less bad about that bc i also definitely hadnt **ten them **t like that day i dont think we had rly like giggly sex at their house i think the night before and i drove them to work early in the morning and theyre so nice to me they know to wake me up with kisses which is so important bc im so... im so fucked i like them so much but im also just a fucked up person and i dont deserve thme. i should get alcohol prescribed for me. for sleep. and social anxiety. made a tweet about it, deleted it. made a quesadille! ated it !, imagine if i didnt eat so much especially while drunk. my body wants me to be huge but i want to be dead i want to be nothing. words are so bad whoever invented words im sure theyre dead they shoul be revived and shot again. ok so im eve drunker now and i’d like to say i want to hear them come again honestly i want to literally put my tongue insid eof them and hear them say my name i want to hold the folds of skin around their hips i want to hear them gasp i want to taste them i want everything i want to stroke their hands and kiss their fingers and their forehead i miss them so much i hate being physically far from everyone i love i want to sleep in their bed i want to fall asleep with our arms wrapped around one another unless i have to turn away and they understand adrianne never understood. i want them i really hope they still like me it would be so fucking sad for the chemistry to only go this way likea reaction that only goes inreverse so we’re left in the end with these raw materials like. like oil and water that can never relaly combine? like two molecules that can only lie next to one another but will always spring apart. i love their house i love their housemates i love the way they offered to make a powerpoint about food waste i love their goat milk and asiago cheese and cabbage pancakes fried rice i love the face they make when i run my fingernails over their scalp i love their voice i love their favorite shirt because it’s several sizes too big and all their clothes are black im not as much of who i am as they are and im not sure i ever will be because it’s willpower and money and i need to find other things in my life to want other than people who will always leave because literature tells us desire is always more than we think it will be and we will always be creating these overexaggerated versions of what ife will really be i need to finish proust i need to make somebody come i need to see their mouth open i need to kiss them i need cherries and enchiladas i need the ants and fruit flies to get the hell out of my house i need more alcohol and higher blood pressure and to divorce my family. how long does it take to be disowned. do i owe it to the people around me . i want kiss i want the moment when they came into my house on their fucking??? lunch break to kiss me and say yeah remember when kim kardashian posted a selfie and kanye west said hey im coming home now. and they pushed me up against the wall and their fucking fingers, i got my vibrator out afterwards and ive had to use it a few times since just thinking of us and the dream their housemate had where they came in and said hey stop having such loud sex even though it was really okay god almighty we should have louder sex this post is paragraphs long and it’s probably all my thoughts but im gonna keep going because i think about their fingers and their skin and mouth and voice and freckles theres no way they think about me this much im fucking pathetic i should probably kill msefl no one thinks about anything this much. but then again i guess i don’t it’s just condensed i have other things to do just what do i Enjoy thinking about it’s fucking being gay and tlaking to them listening to their music hearing them talk about having to lie down because of a fiona apple song such a fucking mistake to get involved with me no im the fucking worst im that fucking crazy girlfriend who won’t let go from the moment you lead me on im ucking hooked it’s so pathetic im extremely drunk just as a disclaimer for anyone who finds this. thats probably enought.

[survivorathena-allstars]

Episode #8: “I'll Fall on the Sword” ~ Charlotte

Let me be like my favourite simpson and Merge. GOD

UGH I THOUGHT WE WERE MCFUCKING MERGING JFLADKJFALSD ANYWAYS I GUESS NOT!!!!!! I'm happy with how tribal panned out but GOD this is an ugly turn of events! At least I don't have school tomorrow and the vote went how it should have. I was in auditions for over four hours tonight and I wasn't able to game talk like AT ALL but I love my allies and they covered it for me. I'm so happy! I think that maybe after THIS vote we'll merge or something... I don't know. Why didn't we merge at 13 if Duncan's power is like??? You know??? You can run and hide from final 13 to final 10 idk it's just weird. And ugh I just,,,,, I WANT TO WIN THIS CHALLENGE SO I DONT HAVE TO VOTE OUT RUTHIE OR KEVIN FDKAKFSD this sucks. I like them both. I'd rather Kevin than Ruthie but that might be difficult because of like,,, how this vote went down lmao. But it was cute how Autumn, Ruthie, and Kevin didn't even stick together after that 3-3-1 vote like WOW JFKDSJFLKAS iconic and I love it. Now I'm hungry and I'm gonna go eat something bye

I literally hate this task challenge with a passion I don't have the reaction time for it rip me and my life and my tribe

I'm forever an Emily & Owen stan but can they go to sleep. PLEATHE

Not to be full of myself but I did #that and more. I mean I'd like to think it was my move bc I suggested her name first so. Her vote said that I was like playing both sides but tbh I wasn't even playing her side at all??? (I accidentally forgot to message her skdkdkd) I just hope that doesn't like...marr my reputation, as small as it already is. Anyways I'm upset about no merge and just hoping we can win this challenge because we were already uncertain last time who knows what'll happen tomorrow night. 

Plz ask for a mutiny so I can go to the other tribe even though they are losing please and THANK YOU

CameronI think I speak for the entirety of Loronha when I say I HATE YOU OWEN AND EMILY ________________________________________________________________ *narrator voice* he does not have faith in his tribe

If I was a Pokémon I’d be Ekans. Hiss hiss

Losing this badly is so hard to deal with after winning so well the last few rounds. I so desperately want to make merge, you know? And if this is the thing that does me in... well that would suck.

this is the most DISHEARTENING challenge, we are always just a second behind the other team and i am so frustrated and sad and everyone on our tribe is trying their hardest but it's just not working for us 

I love losing. It's okay, I'll fall on the sword if we do lose bc I literally couldn't do any of these tasks because I am an adult and I have to work.

I’m really sad and disheartened and this is so so so devastating. This is the first time in any game where I’ve felt this close to a group of people and I’m so upset that one of us has to leave. We tried so damn hard and we were so close and I’m so upset and sad and I. Want to cry 

i cant believe i won!!! im shaking!!! ali is the devil but we won anyway because god always prevails over evil amen!!! britain tell me how my ass tastes!!!! can we please merge!!!

I hate being mad like this. I hate feeling like I want to scream at people and tell them how angry I am. But that's how I feel, so I'm gonna put it in a confessional. Emily and Owen, I'm so sorry in the future and know that likely 10 hours from now I'm not gonna feel this way but. FUCK YOU EMILY AND OWEN. DO YOU FOOLS NEVER SLEEP? DO YOU NOT HAVE LIVES? EMILY DONT YOU GO TO SCHOOL? DID YOU SKIP SCHOOL TO DO THIS CHALLENGE? WHAT THE HELL!

I'm glad my tribe won even though I wish there was a mutiny where they could have lost a TON of points and lost one of their own in the 'Alliance Against Ruthie TM' 

i cant fucking believe i got 5 points for steamed hams, and then emily said eggs was a fun fact and ruined my only contrifuckinbution! i still love her but kdjshgkjdshgkdjshhkj

You all know me as the heartless meanie who lost his shit multiple times during Azores, but right now I'm gonna fucking cry I don't wanna have to vote anyone off this tribe. Like I thought I felt bad before making the move against Madison or having to give up on trying to save Jack, but this is the absolute HARDEST thing that's happened yet. Even if it's Charlotte because apparently she wants us to vote her out, I'm still gonna be crying during this one. This sucks.

Someone from Loronha is winning this game. No ifs, no buts. We all fought SO HARD to win. So hard. And we all got so many points, despite the odds and just stuff being against us. With my strategy, any plans I had of voting against Dana/Will/Cameron? they are gone. I love them all SO MUCH, and have no intention of voting them out. At merge, the war on Atalaia begins. ________________________________________________________________ Like ugh I love me some Emily but come merge? Emily and Lily are outta here.

Thank GOD we won that challenge. I did SO MUCH and if we had lost I would’ve probably wanted Kevin to go home since he contributed the least to the competition at least from what I saw. And also, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I did SO MUCH for our tribe. Like whenever I was at auditions or sleep they were like,,,, we need Emily!! Like? That’s a good feeling. Don’t vote me out because I’m pulling my weight hehe! But also why the fuck did they need me so bad these things aren’t hard you just gotta be speedy!! Whatever. Also I cracked an egg on my head for no reason. I’m the queen of eggs though so it’s fine.

There's something especially depressing about the fact that Charlotte is so willing to go, whether it's because she really is truly over the game or she has stuff going on... It's just sad watching a pseudo-quit like this happen, especially coming off of last night's outright devastation. If y'all thought the Emily boot in Azores was sad (when literally everyone cried on live cam), then this is gonna be even worse - idk how but it's worse. But looking at the bright side, at least it's gonna get me through to the next round.

Charlotte has asked/offered to go tonight which I really respect and appreciate. I am so devastated to see her go though. Charlotte is an icon, a legend, an inspiration. She is truly the most justified all star in this cast. Come merge, the Loronha tribe is literally going to be F6. I'm speaking it into existence. ________________________________________________________________ God Charlotte going tonight is gonna be such a tragedy. But unfortunately a queen must fall for an empire to arise. Its time for the Loronha dynasty to begin.

Hi I feel awful about everything and this game is making me have a heart which should honestly be a crime. As long as I am not being tricked by everybody on my tribe (always a possibility, I am impossible to blindside), I think Charlotte is going home on her own accord tonight. I feel SO bad about it, but at the same time I think she would have gone home either way (idol plays aside), which I'm not sure she expected. Also i'm feeling kind of good about the game right now because I think the dynamics on both tribes are good for me going into a merge situation. 1) Will and Duncan aren't close, and I'm close with both of them. 2) Duncan is close with Zach, who I am close with, and will use for information and then vote out expediently so I can win (probably tbd). 3) I still have my alliances from both my tribes with most members in tact (rip Autumn a quen) 4) I didn't even have to lie to anybody yet.. Wig! I just withheld a lot of information, but weirdly, people have been spilling their game tea to me which honestly ya girl loves! 5) Everyone i'm working with wants Emily out and amazing because i sure do too. 6) Ashvika is close to Duncan and also mad that Autumn was voted out, me too girl. Ok wig I have more thoughts but umm this is all for now ladies. See u on the flip side hopefully xoxo

I have no idea whether I’ve done a confessional or not this round and ideally it’s not my last one. So Loronha finally lost again after WE DIDNT MERGE AT 13! *side eyes emoji*  and honestly the tribe’s moral was shot, right in the gut. Like they all felt so bad about losing it must’ve beeen a rush to be a part of that challenge. Lots of emotions are out and people are in their feels. Apparently Charlotte is very okay with going home and says she has no ulterior motives. I wanted Cameron out first but if Charlotte is willing to go and wants us to vote her out, who am I to stand in her way? I ain’t shit. And I know if I was in that position I’d prefer to go home too. I just don’t think she was as invested as she should’ve been and she realizes that. It’s just sad and I hope she’s not fronting and that we Merge soon.

I THINK I'M MAKING MERGE GIRLIES!!!!!!!! So, with that, I'm going to talk about all the people left in the game and my opinions on them for merge because I've been slacking on confessionals this round!

Okay starting with Ali: Ali has an idol and I'm hoping I'm the only one that knows that still. I'm a little worried not being on his tribe right now because 1. he could build closer relationships with people that are not me 2. he could tell other people about his idol 3. he could tell other people I know about his idol. 3 is bad because then people will know Ali and I are very close. Though I haven't been discreet about any of my relationships in the game thus far, I guess another very out there tie to a player will just? Happen? I guess? I don't know. I'm definitely going to spill all the tea from our 3-3-1 6-0 vote because he's going to get the tea eventually and I'd rather it be from me. I also wonder how close Ali and Duncan are right now because I remember them being a bit rocky before the joint tribal, so who can be sure? I can't.

Ashvika: Really sweet girl and I'm glad we got Autumn out. Ashvika was wanting to save Autumn during the joint tribal and that means they were close, especially because they just played together. I figure Ashvika and Duncan are close because of what I know from Duncan. I wonder if that relationship is still in tact or if Ashvika is now closer to Will and Dana. I remember them being close for some reason. This could be inaccurate but? Idk.

Charlotte: I honestly don't know where I stand with Charlotte! I have no idea where her allegiances are and like? I just really don't know. I remember her and Zach being close but now that they're on different tribes, I don't know where she stands. And I also know that Duncan low key wanted Charlotte out in the earlier days of this game so like... she could be going out next because of her lack of allies and Duncan kind of wanting her out. I don't know how much power Duncan has over there. But also, Charlotte got Jack's vote last time Elaenia went to tribal council so... it's likely? I guess? I don't know. We'll see.

Dana: I don't really know much about Dana other than her and Will are tight. And Zach. And probably Ashvika. That's going to have to be a group I either 1. work with or 2. look out for when we merge. I can just like... sense it. But I also think that Will and Ali are close and then Dana and Zach are close and they're my closest allies so like??? Ali and Zach can probably keep me safe or at least differ targets off my back if my name happens to come up. And I like that!

Duncan: I love Duncan. He has an idol. Idk who else knows other than Ali and I. I hope that's it. Oh wait this is me remembering mid-type that I told Lily about Duncan's idol lol. FUNNY EMILY anyways. Lily probably won't tell. I hope she doesn't. Whew. I think Duncan should be okay 1. because he has an idol 2. because he like??? has a good social game?? I'm hoping to see him in merge.

Kevin: Honestly don't know how I feel about him because we saved him last round but he voted for Lily the round before and like... wtf I don't like that? fjkldsfalsd I thought he and Lily were TIGHT and then he just goes around and votes Lily out like WOW idk man. I know he's my secret santa but he's SKETCHY!!! If we were to have gone to tribal this round, I would've wanted to vote him out. I know that's flip-floppy because we saved him last round and kept Ruthie out of the loop but that's the truth lol

Lily: My absolute fav person ever!!! In a game sense, I would say I'm like ... 4th closest to her. Zach, Ali, and Owen are above her. But everything else I love her! She has that vote negator and I'm happy she FINALLY got something good from the arch*p*l*go!! 

Cameron: Love him love him love him! I feel like we won't work together in this game though. Not sure why I just... don't see it happening? It might. We shall see. He reminds me to take my medicine every night. I <3 him. And for the short period of time we've been together in this game I've been decently honest with him. He was one of the few people I told before the Madison vote that I was gonna vote for Autumn rather than Madison just because she's my friend and it hurts :( so I'm hoping he's willing to vote with me even though he thinks I'm a major snake. God.

Owen: I was doubtful about him at first but I think I've made a genuine connection with him! I was like high key scared he was gonna flip on Lily/Zach/Myself for Autumn/Kevin/Ruthie but he DIDN'T and I'm so happy about that. I really like him and he's been very helpful in challenges so I'm thankful for that!! He's so sweet and we have a snapchat streak and anyone that puts up with my streaks is a blessing

Ruthie: I really love Ruthie and keeping her out of the loop last vote was really something dksjfkasld I'm sad that it happened but like we needed to just in case an idol was played or something. I hope she's willing to work with me later down the line but I think our relationship definitely needs some healing.

Will: Love Will and I really hope we can ACTUALLY work together this game! I know things were messy with the Madison vote but I'm hoping that that doesn't get in the way of our game relationship. Though me fucking things up with Ruthie might also hinder it... I'm not sure. I think Ali and him are close and I'm close to Ali so like? Yeah keep me safe Will xoxo. Will is also definitely close to Dana since she exposed some of his tea during the scavenger hunt. I would never expose tea from any of the people I'm not close with you know? yeah they're close. Her draft name in Azores was "Dana I want Will to win" and I remember that because I had to read it like ten times to finally understand what it said

Zach: I love Zach so much and he's my number one ally despite me not like telling him about either one of Ali or Duncan's idols lmao. Ugh I just love Zach so much and I trust him with ??? MY LIFE????? I'd go to rocks for him I love him. He's so honest with me (I think) and I just love him omgjdklfjaskldflasd god I love Zach he's great he's so sweet I can tell we're going to stay friends after this which is my favorite thing about him!! AHHHHH!! 

Well this confession was super long and I started it around 3:00 and I'm just now submitting it (7:27 PM lol)

Charlotte becomes the 8th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 7-0 vote. You can see Charlotte’s preseason interview here.