#i think going back and reading it sometimes i can see that i've already outgrown it

[mister13eyond]

daring to be vulnerable and open about my work on tumblr on a tuesday afternoon

i have a strange relationship with april 6th where it is simultaneously the proudest achievement i have and also my white whale that i will forever be chasing

which is funny because looking back at it now, years later, i'd probably write it differently at this stage in my life? i think i've grown a lot as a writer and there are parts to me that read clunky or messy and i think i could have pushed things a lot further

but it's also like. idk, i'd never made a fic About anything before. I'd never even made a full completed piece of fiction? and then i went from "a few oneshots scattered over the course of several years and fandoms" to this fucking.... multimedia epic. this thing i updated in real time. this thing i learned to PROGRAM TWINE GAMES for. this thing i got reviews on that said it helped people deal with their own grief, that i feel like Actually spoke to people?

and that's a high fucking bar to reach! it was a very specific and precise fluke that came from a lot of things all at once- me processing my OWN feelings of loss and fear about the future after 2020. my own slow and delicate tiptoe into a new relationship where everything was uncertain and scary. my personal way of getting revenge-via-success after a year-long burnout inflicted by a really bad friendship that had a really negative impact on me creatively and killed all my confidence in my ability to finish things.

so it's like. weird having this relationship with a piece of my own work that is so Symbolic? weird having a relationship with my own creation where it is simultaneously My Testament To My Own Ability and also The Rival Whose Shadow I'm Always Chasing.

AND IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE... I don't necessarily think it's my best writing, you know? On a purely technical level, it's definitely not BAD but i've grown as a writer since then and I think I've learned new strengths and have continued to improve

but like. also.... it'll always be That Thing I Wish I Could Capture The Feeling Of Making Again. it'll always be that weird moment of lightning in a bottle where i made something really really cool and now everything i make afterwards has to take a backseat to this project i started on impulse in 2021 because i had a bunch of feelings

[americanrecord]

woke up to a notification from you, saw the word hypothetically, clicked on it and it was already gone 🙃, but I support it, I think 💕

yes, hi! sorry this is so late, life is annoying. i popped up over on duffmckagans sometime last week and made a post (i don't even remember what i said), and then deleted it like five minutes later because i'm very conflicted about the whole deal.

i'm gonna use your post as a little life update anyway, because i really do miss tumblr and think i may return to duffmckagans because i've sort of outgrown my need for this blog. i'm very much still writing original content (or, try to, whenever i'm not busy (rare)), but i've sort of left behind the need to share that with other people, mostly just because 1.) nobody cares (real), 2.) it's so slow-moving these days that it just left me with the feeling like i had nothing to do on this blog because i've pretty much completely buried to rest the idea of ever rewriting that fic in an original format and settled another, more personal novel/project i have much more faith in the future publishing of. and because it is so personal and niche and boring, it just doesn't generate discussion or anything else worth posting about at the moment.

however, i do miss having a blog. i miss talking to people, i miss seeing my friends, i miss posting my writing, i miss reblogging silly pictures with silly tags, etc. i'm honestly at my busiest point in my entire life right now because i decided over the summer that i wanted to go to law school so i've been slammed between studying for that, taking the LSAT (law school entrance exam) twice and having a third attempt scheduled for january, tutoring, working almost full-time, some volunteer work, general family chaos (permanent fixture), etc. and if anybody remembers me from my college days, you may remember i was an anomaly in that i had a supremely unusual amount of free time. enough so that i could routinely churn out anywhere from 10k-15k of new words a week. was it good? no, not really, but that's besides the point. i'm not somebody built to do so much at once, so that ever-present stress (which should clear up around late january - ignoring what may come from law school) has sort of pushed me away from all the things i used to love #HAHA!!! for a long time. pretty much everybody i know can attest to the fact i've become a shit replier, i don't even see messages for days and then i forget to reply once i do. it's very annoying and inconveniencing, and i apologize! i can't promise it'll get better quite yet, but that's a bit of explanation there. i used to be somebody who'd be around almost 24/7 and i will get back to that eventually, but ... not yet.

that being said, i've experienced other Life Things that sort of has me crawling back to things that make me happy, if only so i don't become hopelessly lost in responsibilities and pressure and stress. ironically enough, it was sharing my original manuscript with my mother of all people (adding on to if anybody knows the first thing about me or remembers when my life blew up 2 years ago) and getting to bond with her over that after pretty much being no contact for 2 years that had me remembering how important writing is for me, but not even necessarily for my own personal gain. financially, i mean. of course, publishing is a life goal, and everybody told me to pursue law so that i could eventually fund my own writing career (ngl this is what got me), but i loved sharing it. i deleted the fic a little over a year ago as of now, i think? and i feel like i've been floundering not necessarily without It, but without having something to do every week, people to talk to, reactions to read; just generally something to keep me tied to some vague sense of passing time. there was a time in my life where it was either wednesday or it wasn't x6, and some people may say that's a crazy way to live, but it got me through my awful college years with success and a smile on my face, so idrgaf. i do actually really miss the fic. i miss the whole universe, i miss the community (undoubtedly smaller, understandably), and i miss the ease it used to bring because i was just genuinely doing what i loved.

i can't even remember what i said in my other ask reply that addressed this fic, something in response to "fuck that ginger cunt," but i will say that i have revisited the fic. i have a very, very, very complicated relationship with guns n' roses as an entity and, moreover, axl and his entire existence. for obvious reasons. he fucking sucks. legitimately one of the most awful excuses of a man i've ever met (or...been waved to by?) and likely should be buried beneath a jail somewhere. i will happily wield the shovel!! that being said. actually, that's all i have to say on it. everything else is a gray area where they still stand as a band that has gotten me through every day of my life since i was 17 and where axl still stands as so much for me, principally the reason i started writing and still do to this day because nothing else can top that thrill. the fic, honestly speaking, isn't even about the band for me. i could not care less about the band, i don't think i could host a fan page if i tried, beyond reblogging pics and giving my music opinions (while we're on the topic: 1986 sound city sessions reckless life is far superior to the gnr lies version), but i really don't even remember a time where the fic was even about the band rather than some place for me to sketch out a story with roughly-drawn templates of members from my favorite band. i don't think it existed as a band fic since the first half of rocket queen, and i think people could see by the story's direction that it wasn't really about "oooo guns and roses, the most dangerous band in the Wooooorld" so much as it was my two female main characters and the matching set of He's There that were sometimes involved in the adventures. i still have that passion for all of them, i have rewritten the first 23 chapters of rocket queen and that will continue to go up whenever i find a scrap of free time because nothing relaxes me like writing or just gets me to generally calm down and forget the fact i haven't felt at peace in so long 😄

so there is a major question of if i could post it again. and i still don't know. it's tricky. there's a lot of material in there that i don't think people took the time to understand, even worse now that i approach it from a MUCH more mature standpoint (in retrospect, i had no business writing so many of those things at 18, i had no clue what i was talking about or even implying with some of those themes and scenes), and there's a lot of stuff based on or semi-based on real events (trauma) while other real information (how much of a literal threat to humanity these men, particularly axl (but i will never discount any of them) were) is excluded because . . . i don't like torturing women? i could potentially return just as a way to give myself something to do under the guise where i do it with a lot more anonymity, aka not giving people as much of a direct target to verbally/electronically abuse me over fake things, tightening how i respond to things or let people think they have a say in things, and just outright refusing to engage with other matters; let it speak for itself and be ready to pull it again the second people take it too far or clearly can't handle with maturity and respect something that's marked mature, plastered in content warnings, and thoroughly tagged/addressed at every twist and turn, because at the end of the day--because i was barely a concept when all of these events were happening--it's all fictional. "based on" anything or not, it's fake. i have nothing but secondhand, thirdhand, or no-hand information abound. everybody lies, everybody forgets things, and everybody remembers it differently, and that's just that. i always will have creative license to do whatever the fuck i want regardless of what some 'insert member' stan with their panties in a twist thinks. it said so much to me that nobody ever criticized me for writing about a deeply problematic band and just about the fact that i had women characters that made vaguely unlikable decisions.

so, i don't know. i have things to think about. i am vaguely aware of the fact i may be depressed, so i would like to have a reason to smile again while i trudge from day to day doing boring things. i am also aware of the fact that i can't just write this fic and not share it with people. i have loose lips in written form and i really don't know what else to do with it. only so much gratification comes from looking at it myself. i ALSO know i said i was going to leave this behind forever, and also that i probably should, but i am a: liar. i fucking love guns n' roses.

thanks for listening to my ramble. completely understandable if you never send me an ask again. much love 💗

[1d1195]

Omg finally had time to read the newest toothpaste update and bestie…omg?! That was so GOOD!!! I know you typically don’t write smut(which is FINE!!!) this build up was just so😵‍💫 THE THUMB SUCKING I WOULD SIMPLY DIE!! She’s so brave bc omg could cry just thinking about it lol and she’s so bold omg I love that for her😭 and he’s so in love like this man is so down bad, I love it!! That “cavity filling” line… SAM WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO TYPE THAT HAHAH I LOVE IT !!!! It was so nice to read about these two again, loved it as always!!

I think it was also for the best lol I would have been WAY more unhinged than I already was lol and it seems so much like you to be worried about them and honestly I get it!

Bestie anything you come up with I know it will just be great!! And the way Market Basket has now been added to my list of stores I will simply not enter bc that sounds so bad😭 I love a good deal but my mental state probs candle handle that HAHA

Oh the writting aspect seems like it would have been horrible like the process of it lol I feel like you would have absolutely slayed cognitive psychology classes!! There’s so much stuff about the brain and like behavioral stuff too!

IM FINALLY FREE!!! Took both my final exams on the same day so my brain is a little fried but still very happy to be over with everything:)! YOURE incredibly sweet Sam😭❤️ I miss you too obviously when I’ve been away! I always love chatting with you no matter what! But same goes for you too, your overall stability and health is a priority! No matter how long it will always be so important to put yourself first!

I’m also so surprised how inspired you have been for Honey bc the amount of writting you’ve done in such a short time is so crazy in the best way!! I get being a bit critical on what you work on BUT I’m sure the last few parts are just as amazing!

THAT MEN QUOTE OMG THATS SO REAL!!!! HAHHA LOVE IT! I like the idea of annotating bc I think it’s cute too! I typically end up writing it out or taking a pic of a quote I like but that’s pretty much it! I also donate my books once I feel like I’ve outgrown them a bit so I try not to do too much damage lol but omg that sounds so fun with your friend!!

Hope you had a good week my love! And wishing such a peaceful and relaxing weekend! Love you lots!!!-💜

Yay! I think the whole reason I had this idea is because I finally have a dentist that doesn't make me want to cry anymore. I was so traumatized growing up HATING the dentist. Now I find it lowkey relaxing just laying there lol I am trying to think of more sexy punny innuendos for the dentist (there's something about being drilled on the tip of my tongue) but yes, he's mostly just obsessed with her 😍 as he should be. she's so cute 🤭

FREEDOM! YAY! I'm glad you're done! So exciting!!! 💕

I think I wrote like 15k words in the first day of starting it. Sometimes when I have (what I think is) a good idea, I try and write as MUCH as I can as quickly as possible so I don't forget anything I want to include. So I was bouncing back and forth between the beginning/middle/end putting pieces down that I don't even know if I'll use but I gotta include in case I need it. I'm currently REALLY attached to Honey still though (probs because I wrote it so quickly) so I'm lowkey struggling to write something else because I don't want to let them go 😭 It's like when I read a book that just hits and I'm like "I cannot leave them. They're my friends." It feels rude to move on.

I've been trying to donate more of my books! I'm out of room on my shelves! I usually leave them in the staff lounge. But I can't exactly bring my smut books into a school so I have to be strategic about which ones I bring in 😂 If I think I'm going to reread the book, or even just look at it, I always keep it. So there are MANY like that so I am struggling to clear space on my shelf. Plus I just keep buying more anyway 😂

Solid week overall and I'm hoping to be productive this weekend, but we will see. I want to put up fall decorations even though it's still like 80 degrees out. I know you don't like the cold much but I'm DYING for 50-60 fall breezes 😭

Love you!

xoxo

Hope you had a good week my love! And wishing such a peaceful and relaxing weekend! Love you lots!!!-💜

[seasideretreat]

Music and video games

I feel like I've outgrown video games, but now I am seriously wondering what else to do. It seems music would be a good replacement, but I already do music in a form, and I don't know how much sense it makes to do music in any other form. Maybe I should just make my own video games. You see, I write, but I also read books. Playing games isn't quite akin to reading, and programming games is not quite akin to writing: it requires dedication, application. I suppose playing games is a lot like watching television, but then you are acting rather than just looking. It's a bit like acting on stage, only then in private, like watching television is the same thing as going to the colosseum, only then in private - I don't know.

I mean, what are you going to do when nothing pleases you anymore? What if there were no good books to read, no good movies to watch, no good music to listen to? Then you make your own, it seems quite obvious. Yesterday I watched Treasure Planet again, I enjoyed it, but as I said, afterward I felt like doing some more, but I didn't want to watch a series; so I thought, maybe play a video game; but there just weren't any good ones to play; that's how I eventually (just now in fact) came to the realization I should probably make my own video games; you now, there are some good platforms for making your own video games, notably Unity; but yeah, it seems making your own video games has more precedence than writing your own books, I mean, we think all the time, but we don't play games all the time, and in fact, games have this weird effect on us sometimes that we feel guided into the direction of greatness, even though we are not so great ourselves; call it "structure".

You know, I listen to a lot of music, but I don't have it in my system, you know, whereas I do compose as part of my system, but I rarely have enough energy to compose. I suppose it's the same with games - you know, it's quite a vain dream to make your own games, because it is so much work, but didn't the guy who made Minecraft also program it by himself? And Minecraft has tons of personality, I say, it is the shining example of what gaming can be if we apply ourselves; it might be so, that we should begin our gaming adventure programming something akin to Minecraft, I mean, it's really all about being transported to another realm in a sense. And just like music, it may help you appreciate game worlds more if you've made your own, I mean, I don't play enough indie games. But I don't really enjoy them, at the moment, but yeah, I dunno; you don't game for the story, I think, that's just something to draw you in; you know that's the weird thing, I really feel like I "get" gaming, just like I "get" English, but I just don't know what to do with it, well, yeah, you could use it to make your own games; you know, Shakespeare spend most of his time writing his own genius works; you know, you can't just sit back your entire life, "Always reading, never to be read."

[writingquestionsanswered]

I was working on a fantasy book for three years and got a few drafts in, kept tons of notes, and then one day abandoned it. It's been about two years since I last worked on it and I want to get back into it now that I have so much time indoors, but I've forgotten a lot of the world building elements and subplots of the story. I also think I've outgrown some of the characterizations. What's the best way to delve into my notes/drafts and not be overwhelmed so I can pick up where I left off?

Picking Back Up with a Previously Abandoned WIP

Diving back into an old WIP can be daunting at first, especially when you know you’re probably going to change some (or a lot) of what was already there. This is something I strongly identify with as I have several old manuscripts on my shelf, waiting for editing, and I’ve successfully resurrected a few. Here’s what I usually do...

1) Do a “Light Reading” of the Most Complete Draft

The first thing I do is read through the most complete draft that I have, but I try to read it without a critical eye. The goal is to reacquaint yourself with the story as you saw it originally, not to haul out the red marker or take a bunch of notes. If you do any note taking at all, it might be helpful to jot down a timeline of events if you don’t have one for reference already.

2) Find and Gather All WIP Notes

The next thing I do is gather up all all the disparate notes related to the story. They may be on my phone, in my e-mail, in random notepad documents, scribbled on post-it notes tucked into my story binder, or jotted down in the margins of my drafts. For the digital notes, I’ll usually copy/paste them into a notepad document and print it out. That way I have a physical copy of those notes that can go with any post-its, index cards, or other physical notes. 

3) Read and Sort the Notes

Once I have all of the notes gathered into one place, I read through them and start sorting them in order according to the story timeline. This is just a nice way to organize them, but also as you get to certain points in the story, you can easily refer to the notes that pertains to that section. Notes that don’t really fit on the timeline--general notes pertaining to setting and character, for example--I’ll usually put at the very beginning. You can also take this opportunity to deep six any conflicting notes/ideas or things you’re no longer interested in implementing, just make sure to keep everything. Never delete or throw something away, because you never know when you might change your mind. 

4) Do a Deep Read 

The last thing I’ll do to prepare for starting a new draft is re-read the most complete draft and any material in more recent drafts that may have changed or isn’t in that complete draft. In other words, if draft two is your most complete draft, but you rewrote the last half of act one in draft three and that’s as far as you got, make sure to read that, too. At this point, you are hauling out the red pen to make notes about things you want to change. This will give you a document to work from (along with your timeline and organized notes) as you make your way through the new draft. Now, sometimes I skip the deep read and dive straight into the new draft changing things as I go, so just do whichever works best for you.

I hope these steps will help make diving back into your old WIP a little easier to manage! You’ve got this! <3 

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