#i think afterwards im gonna finish a few things on this blog & my others

[playshrp]

inbox call! like this & i will send 2-3 memes!

[gr0vndz3ro]

Hypnosis

Cop!Bakugou x Villain!Reader(NSFW)

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, Cursing, forced sub!bakugou, dom! reader, dub con, bondage because if you think im writing a cop au and not use hand cuffs youre dead wrong, choking, degradation, spit, oral, overstimulation, gagging, hair pulling, unprotected sex

Word count: 3973

A/N: Me and @1-800-callmekatsuki were thirsting over bakugou for hours and I HAD to write this. I ended up getting really into this so it ended up being a little longer than I expected but I hope y’all enjoy. Also this is the photo that got this whole fic started. The art is not mine.

*PSA*

A little side note I’ve gotten a few comments in regards to the current situation going on in the US and trust me I get it, but this blog is just a place for me to personally escape the things going on irl. I wasn’t writing this in correlation to anything going on and I’m sorry if people think this is bad timing but this story is free of any personal opinion and just something fun for people to read. I want my blog to be for other people what it is for me, just something to enjoy. If for any reason this story bothers you I’m really sorry🥺🥺 I’m just a horny girl who just want to write smut and I think fbi/ cop bakugou is hot 😭 If reading anything in regards to a cop (even when not negative) is something that bothers you then please feel free to keep scrolling. I don’t take any offense to people not liking this, but I did work hard on this and for those of you do read it I hope you guys enjoy it. ❤️

Arms crossed against his broad chest, Katsuki scoffed at the briefing he was just given by his chief. The criminal that the precinct had just managed to catch was believed to be tied to the League of Villains. Y/N Y/L/N, her quirk was called Sirens Song. She’s able to control men with just the sound of her voice. She had been caught trying to smuggle weapons, thought to be for the L.O.V, in a boat that she stole from two unfortunate men that happened to cross her path.

This whole thing was a waste of his time, he could be out there trying to find the actual threats. Instead he was in this meeting, listening to the description of just another wannabe villain. When the chief had finished with the case details, Katsuki got up from the chair, ready to go back to his patrol when the man spoke up again.

“We are going to be keeping her in holding for a few days to try to get as much information we can get out of her to see if she’s the connection to the League that we’ve been looking for. On the screen you will see a list of the interrogation times and who goes when, as well as who will be covering what over night watch shift. After you have checked for your name you are free to go.”

Rolling his eyes, the blond walks over to the board and sees he is set as the over night guard for tonight. He clenches his jaw, instead of being able to go home after a long day, he’s forced to work all night. Watching some criminal trying to pass as a real target. He whips his head to his boss, stomping over.

“Oi, what the hell is this supposed to be huh?! You got me working for 24 hours, ain’t that illegal or some shit?” Not being able to control his anger at the situation.

“Officer Bakugou I see that you’ve taken a look at the board. Don’t worry about the work load, you’ve been assigned to a fairly peaceful district so there shouldn’t be to much strain on you. If there any other problems you have I would recommend biting your tongue. You’re already on thin ice this week due to you run in with Officer Midoriya. Be grateful you are involved in this case in anyway. Now if that will be all.” The chief says not allowing Katsuki the time to interject, leaving afterwards to go to his office.

Left there grinding his teeth, he holds back his dying urge to curse the man out and leaves the building to start his “easy” patrol. He hated easy days, it wasn’t what he had joined for. He wanted to hunt down bad guys and make them suffer for what they did. He wanted to put away thugs and criminals, not right a ticket for an unpaid parking meter. I’m to good of a cop to be a fucking meter maid. His jaw firm as he thinks about the cases other stations were working on. The good that he could be doing if he wasn’t here, having his talent go to waste. Saving people was what he wanted to do, be the hero that saves the day. But all because of his temper, he now had the “easy” shift.

He pulled back into the station at 10 pm to start the over night watch. mostly everyone had gone home, except for the few stragglers finishing up their last amounts of paperwork for the week. He heads to the break room to grab something quick to eat when the chief walked into the room.

“There is a few things I wanted to tell you about your shift tonight and about the situation at hand. The suspect quirk is very powerful, while the room they’re in cancels quirks, the effects of hers can still be felt to some degree. They are no where near her normal strength and more of a temptation that most are able to snap out of after a few seconds. Do not under estimate her Bakugou, do you hear me? I will not be filling a missing suspect report because you are to arrogant to follow commands.” The chief explain to him, belittling him the process. If the anger he felt could be seen physically, everything in the room would have been exploded.

“Yeah, yeah I hear you loud and clear. The idiot isn’t gonna be a problem.. sir.” His attitude barely peaking out at the end of his sentence, a slight smirk on his lips. With that response, his boss leaves for the night, officially leaving Katsuki alone in the station to start his second shift of the day. 

Coffee. If there was any way that he was going to get through this night it was going to be with lots of coffee. He goes to the coffee pot and makes himself a small pot. With a mug in his hand he starts his walk over to the holding cells. He turned the corner and sees you sitting there in the cell. His eye widen subtly, Damn she’s hot. Maybe he wouldn’t need coffee after all. He took his seat near your cell so keep an eye on you. There wasn’t much he could really do. There was no way for you to get out. Basically he was just there to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself until the detectives come back to investigate you more. As he sat there he got a good look at you. Your clothes were dirty a torn from you chase from the cops, rips on you pants exposing parts of your thighs, and the rip on you shirt showed just enough of your abdomen to leave him dirty thoughts. Thoughts of how soft your skin is, how it would feel under his calloused fingers. How you would react to his touch, goosebumps covering your skin. He looks up to your face. Small scratches liter it but that does nothing to hide how beautiful you are. The way your eyes catch the light and how pieces of your hair fall out of your pony tail framing you face. Your hair slightly a mess, probably due to running yet all he could think about was how much he wanted to mess it up even more. You run his hands through it and just yank your head back with a fist full of your locks. The two of you hadn’t even exchanged words to each other but he knew he wanted you. You’re eyes met his after he was done checking you out.

“Do you like what you see?...” Your eye brow raised in amusement as you caught his wandering eyes. You take this time to check out the officer who you assumed would be watching you tonight. His uniform and vest highlighting how broad his chest is, the sleeves tight around his arms due to the amount of muscle it was trying to contain. His pants tightened around his thighs. Blond hair slightly covering his eyes. He clenches his jaw and you swear that thing could cut diamonds. This man was hot and you cant help but smirk at the fact he was checking you out. You look back down to his chest to see his name tag, Bakugou. “...Officer Bakugou” His face immediately pulls into a scowl in defense. 

“Oh you fucking wish” He pulls his eyes away from you and rest his head on the back of his seat. He shifted in his seat, trying to get comfortable, finding it impossible as this chair was a piece of shit. So he stands up and starts looking around trying to find something else to focus on. You break him out of his thoughts.

“Do you have anything else that I could wear? These clothes are ruined and I’d like to be in proper clothing.” You say in reference to your tattered clothes, ruined by jumping over fences and having them get caught and rip. You hear a ‘tsk’ and see him start to walk off. Rolling your eyes at the mans action, you sit down on the chair in your cell seeing as he walked off without giving you a response.

“Here” you look up to see him sliding a shirt and pair of pant in through the bars. You walk over and grab them from his hands, running your finger tips across his skin in the process. He yanks his hand back before you can try to touch him again. You wanted more. Frowning, you walk back near the chair and set your clothes down on it, your hands go to the edge of you shirt but you stop feeling a burning gaze on your back. You turn around to see him staring at you.

“Do you mind?” Raising your eye brow at him.

“I have to watch you to make sure you don’t attempt to do anything that could cause harm to yourself.” He says coldly, as if he wasn’t dying at the opportunity to see what was under your clothes.

“Okay then suit yourself.” With a smirk on your lips you pull you shirt off over your head, making sure that he could see everything. You slowly fold it and move down to you pants, your finger lingering at the zipper for a moment before pulling it down. Your hands make there way to waist band and tug them down, shimming out of the tight pants, making you butt sway infront of him. If he was going to watch you, you were going to make sure he got a good show out of it. Hands linger around your curves as you snake the fabric down your legs at an agonizingly slow pace. Katsuki could feel his pants tightening at the sight, his breath catching in his throat. A smirk across your face as you see his flustered reaction to your stripping. Activating your quirk you slowly walk over to the bars separating the two of you.

“Why don’t you get in here” Your words putting the man in a trance as he struggles against your suggestion. Starting to get ticked of he isn’t already subdued you speak up again, “Don’t make me repeat myself, you wont like the consequences.”  He feels himself start moving towards your cell against his better judgement. He fights against the feeling in his chest pulling him forward, but before he knows it he’s infront of you inside of the cell. A sinister shine in your eyes as you step closer to the blond, closing the distance, Katsuki could feel the room getting hotter. Your hands make its way to his chest, paralyzing him underneath your touch. 

“Look at you, now go be good boy for me and sit down.” His face burns red at the demand, no one talks to him like this, so why was it turning him on so much. He stays in his place as his last attempt at keeping his dominance over the situation. Your hand travels up to his jaw, fingers roughly grasping either side as you growl into his ear, your patience being tested “Do not test me pretty boy, do what you’re told.” 

You see him struggling against your command feeling conflicted at the switch of power. You put both of you hands on his chest and push him down onto the chair. His eyes wide unable to stop you as you reach down into his pouch grabbing his cuffs. Quickly, you rip off his vest and shirt leaving his torso bare. You walk behind him in the chair, your hands on his shoulders running down his arms, a burning trail left where ever your nails lightly scratch, until your hands make it his wrists. Roughly grabbing them and yanking them behind his back, cuffing his wrist to the chair, permanently securing him in place to allow you to do whatever you please. He assumed you were just going to take advantage of the situation and leave, but he was sorely mistaken. You travel to the front of him leaning forward to kiss his jaw, traveling down to his neck. You roam his neck, searching for his pulse, kissing it once you find it. A groan rips out past his lips, unable to stop it at the sudden pleasure coursing through him. The noise sending a wave over power over you as you start kissing more harshly, sucking and biting at the spot, desperately wanting to hear the noise again.

Once satisfied with the mark now on his neck, you back up standing in front of him, your hands moving down to his pants as you start undoing them. His eyes widen as you pull down his pants and underwear down in one swift movement, his raging boner slapping against his abdomen as he sucks in a harsh breath at the release from the tight confinement. A whine leaves his lips as your hands leave burning trails all over his body, purposely avoiding where he was starting to crave your touch most. Desperate to know how your soft touches would feel against him, the anticipation of whether you’d be gentle or not was starting to eat him alive.

“Did I hear a whine baby? Are you that desperate for me. Look at you, rock hard and I haven’t even done anything yet, absolutely disgusting.” Your words like venom. He twitches as your hand grasps the base of his cock, a deep gasp coming out at your sudden touch. Your other hand goes to his hip pushing him down. Your mouth goes to his ear, “If you fucking move again, I will stop do you understand?” Katsuki swallows hard, suddenly unable to find any words. He hisses as you hand leaves his dick to his throat, choking the man. “Answer me Bakugou”

“Yes princess” He couldn’t help it anymore. He was under your trance but he could care less, all he knew was he needed you. That evil smirk crosses your face once again at his submission. 

“Good boy” You release his neck and trail back down to his throbbing dick. Your thumb brushes over his tip collecting all of the precum oozing out of it. You slowly pump him in your hand, his breath catching in his throat. You gather the excess saliva in your mouth and spit it onto his hard cock. His eyes shoot to yours as the cool liquid meets his burning hot member.

Your hand starts a steady past as you move up and down, making sure to add pressure to the prominent vein on the underside of his shaft. Your hand twisting every time you get to his tip earning a deep groan from his throat. He gets lost in ecstasy as you start picking up the pace, giving extra attention to his tip. He’s so caught up in it that when you replace your hand with your mouth he lets out a moan. You make him bottom out inside your mouth and the noises coming from the man infront of you make you let out a moan yourself, the vibrations only bringing him further pleasure. 

“Fuck princess that- ugh- feels sooo good” your tongue presses deeply into the vein all the way up to his tip, you make sure to give extra attention to the sensitive swollen head. Relaxing your throat, you take him all the way in, him pressing down your throat. But it was completely worth is for the look on his face. Eyebrows furrowed and his head thrown back in pure bliss. You move you head back up adding your hand in to meet his balls as you start massaging them. Katsuki is a moaning mess under your touch and wants nothing more than to run his hands through your hair and fuck into your mouth relentlessly. Watch as you start tearing up at the lack of air as he just gets off. But being completely under your control instead turned him on to no end. The added pleasure from your hand in combination with your mouth was sending him over board. He throws his head back as a deep groan leaves his lips along with several profanities as he shoots hot white ropes into your mouth, His orgasm taking over him with no warning. Surprised by his sudden release you swallow all of his seed, yet continue your movements. When he notice that you show no sign of stopping he lets out a whine at how sensitive he was. He tried moving away but your free hand grips his thigh, fingernails digging in as he hisses at the pain.

“Wha-what are you doing? I cant-” his voice uneasy from a mix of coming down from his high and the sensitivity he felt. You release his dick with a loud pop.

“You see I never said you could finish, but you decided to be a selfish little whore and finish anyways.” You stand up, releasing your grip from both his balls and thighs. You push his knees together and then move your hands to the clip of your bra and undo it, letting it drop to the ground. Your hands shoot to your breasts as you give them a rough squeeze, Katsuki drinking in the sight, whimpering as his sensitive cock twitches. His eyes glued to your hands as the travel down your body to the waistband of your matching underwear. Your fingers toying with the band, slightly dipping it and bringing it back up, loving how Bakugou reacted to your every move. His face flushed from the hormones rushing through his body, his dick painfully hard at the beautiful image infront of him. You pull the underwear down your thighs, strings of slick connect to the lacy clothing. Saying that everything that had been happening wasn’t turning you on severely would be dead wrong. Every moan that left his mouth sent a jolt straight to your core and you wanted, no needed, something, and you knew exactly what you were going to do.

You bring you legs on either side of one of his massive thigh and lower yourself onto him. His eyes widen as you grind yourself against him, throwing your head back as pleasure courses through you at the friction. His eyes shoot to where you were seated and watched as you shamelessly got yourself off on him. He watched as your juices drip down his leg, his cock twitches as he wanted nothing more than to be buried deep within your walls, slamming into you. He wines as you let out a loud moan, the friction feeling so good against your swollen clit.

“Please princess- fuck- let me make you feel go-” You stop his talking by shoving the lace into his mouth and grab his jaw roughly.

“All you deserve right now is to be my pretty little fuck toy okay. If you can behave then maybe ill let you fuck me.” You purr into his ear, your hot breath fanning across his neck as you move your hips grinding against him. You moan at the feeling, continuing to expertly move your hips back and forth. As you feel yourself getting close you reach your hand up to your nipples and starts tugging at them sending waves of pleasure into your core, giving you just the boost you needed. Your hand shoots to the back of Kastuki’s head tugging on his soft hair as you chaise your release. He watches your every move as you cum all over his thigh, his cock throbbing at the sight of your orgasm. Your eyes closed, eyebrows furrowed as you bit your lip, failing your attempt to hold back your moans. Once you come down from your high you move your legs so that you are no longer straddling his thigh, but now his waist, your soaking core pressed against his dick. A muffled moan attempts to leave his lips at the much needed pressure. Your hand goes to his mouth and you retrieve the now soaked pair of undies, a trail of saliva following. “Do you want to fuck me baby?”

“Yes, please Y/N. please let me fill you up.” he groans as you move your hips to grind against him.

“Do you think you deserve to touch me?” You ask the desperate man, a smile on your face at how eager he is.

“Fuck yes, let me make you feel so good” You lean down to wear his pants were grabbing the key, reaching behind him pushing the key into the cuff unlocking them. His hand immediately go to your body assaulting everything he could touch. Firmly grasping your breasts moving his  hands across your body down to your hips as you lift yourself to allow him to slip into you. A moan escapes both of you as he bottoms out due to how slick you were. Your walls clench around him holding him like a vice. He trusts into you holding onto your hips and you place your hands onto each of his shoulders, letting you stabilize yourself as he rutts into you. 

Each of his thrusts hit all of the right spots, rubbing against your walls deep inside of you. You’ve never felt this filled. You lean down and your lips meet with a fiery passion. Tongues fight for dominance as he speeds up his movements. You eventually win, not wanting him to forget his place. You break away from the kiss, a mix of both of you spit dripping from your mouth and you let it drip onto his glistening chest. You look down at his lustful face.

“You fill me up so good Bakugou, hitting every spot with your massive cock. Are you close baby?” Your hands making their way back to his hair, tugging at the blond locks as you feel the familiar feeling building in your core as he slams into your g-spot.

“uughh yes. I can feel how close you are, So fucking tight- god, fuck- let me cum with you princess.” His words enough to start the overwhelming feeling so you lean into his ear.

“Then cum with me baby” He sends a rough thrust into you and you come undone, a white flash taking over at the intensity of this second orgasm. You yank on the locks of hair in your fingers. Katsuki groans feeling you clench around him, trusting into you haphazardly as his own orgasm takes over, completely filling you with his hot cum. 

He slows his movements, riding out both of your highs, until he comes to a stop still deep inside of you. You both stay there catching your breath as you rest you head on his shoulder trying to regain your senses. After a few moments you lift yourself off of him, immediately missing the fullness. You move off of his lap and allow him to stand up to grab his clothes. He bends over grabbing his pants and pulling them back on. While fumbling with the button he is suddenly interrupted by a hard hit to the head causing him to fall to the floor. You frown slightly at him as you place the chair back on the ground. You slip on your clothes and drag him to the cell wall and sit him against the bars. You clip the cuffs in place securing him to the bar as you back up slightly, pushing the fallen hair out of his face.

“Its nothing personal I promise” You stand up and walk away from the unconscious man toward to door, key in hand. You unlock the cell door and walk out, not before turning back to him one final time.

“Plus I don’t think this is the last time we will be meeting.”

A/N: AAAAAAAAA im sORRY. If you guys enjoy this one I can do a part two were the tables are turned??? because im a slut for dom! bakugou

[sailorhyunjinz]

Part 4 of Hyunjin and Me Fantasy

*Mentions of Virginity Loss*

I stormed out of Hyunjin's apartment and went across the street back to my place. I slammed my door shut when I got back to my room. A few minutes later I get a text from Hyunjin: Laila I don't want this to be how our friendship ends but this doesn't mean I'm breaking up with Lexani. She's my first relationship and I'm not gonna let you ruin it. I looked at my phone with shock. I texted back: So now you're serious about this relationship?, He texted back saying that he is now but won't let me intervene in it, even though I fully doubt that the relationship ship was gonna last.

The next week at school, Hyunjin and Lexani were so close to each other, even I could feel the suffocation. During one of my classes I went to the bathroom and caught those two making out in the hallway. When Hyunjin saw me he stopped for a second then continued to kiss Lexani as if he was taunting me while I was just standing there, I went back to class after I lost the urge to go. Starting to think about what his intentions could possibly be.

*Hyunjin's POV*

I don't what I was thinking when I decided to keep kissing Lexi after Laila saw what happened and my jaw was getting tired. Lex kissed me on the cheek and said "Come to my house after school today we'll "study" before we Juan comes over tomorrow". My heart started pounding out of excitement, but I knew if I told Laila about this she would probably be even more jealous than she already is. I asked my mom if she could drop me off at Lexi's house so we could do some extra studying for a class, she agreed and drove me there. Once I arrived I was greeted by Lexi herself, she pulled me in and waved at mom who was in the car. I noticed that she was home alone, "Where are your parents?" I asked, "They had to take care of some important business up north in Fort Lauderdale (which is almost a two our drive from Miami) so they won't be back until like midnight). She took me to her room and told me to take my clothes off next thing I know I'm laying in bed next to a completely naked and tired Lexani. "So that was your first time?", She asked. "Yeah, and this was your first time too, right?", She avoided the question and asked me a different one. "So did it feel good? Cuz I know I felt good." I answered her question with a smile and felt a little confidence boost afterwards. But I knew I didn't really like her reaction when I asked her that question When it was time for me to get picked up I got into the car and texted Laila asking if she wanted to go to the park with me on Friday. To my surprise she texted back: Yeah I just found this big shady tree in the back of park plus I have nothing to do on Friday 😁. A smile rose on my fave when I saw that.

That day I met up with Laila under that big tree she was talking about. She was wearing a cute sundress and loafers. When she smiled at me, it just warmed my heart so much that she was here infront of me. I've never felt this way about Laila but I knew that I liked it. When I sat down next to her I held her hand and just asked her about her day but in no time we were laughing and cracking up about god knows what. Once we finally settled down I finally felt open enough to tell her what happened on Monday. "So guess what", "What?", "... I lost my virginity on Monday", she froze for a second. I was completely shocked when she seemed happy for me. "Wait so you're actually not mad about this", "Well I'm happy that you finally got to experience something like that plus I realized that were growing up and these things are gonna start happening". But she wasn't ready for what I was about to tell her next. "So after me and Lexani finished and she went to sleep. I went through her phone because when I asked her if this was her first time she didn't say anything and that made me suspicious of what she was doing without me. I went though her archived text messages and saw texts from different guys from her last school and they were all talking about doing it with her and I found a couple of sext messages from guys at our school that were opened recently. So I'm gonna break up with her the next time I see her". Laila's jaw was hanging wide open.

Honestly I'm excited to write part 5 for you I'm start my blog and become a fanfic writer for Stray Kids

ooooohhh im so happy that you want to write pieces of your own CAUSE IM ENJOYING THIS STORY A LOT ^^

OOOH sometimes i legit have nothing more to add-

I HOPE THATS OK HEH <33

[sk1nnyblogxr]

Helloooo :) So i haven't been very active on here, but I've got my reasons.

I have been eating in a "good" caloric defecit the last weeks, and by that i mean Iv'e lost 3kg in about 2 weeks, WITHOUT starving!! 😋

It has been hard, yes. Im not gonna lie, bc sometimes i just sit and look at my food and i feel sick.

I have also been walking alot, and it feels so good. The amount of calories i have consumed has been between 900 and 1300 every day, and for me, thats really good. I even had a few pieces of candy yesterday, and i didn't gain a gram 🤷‍♀️ I feel great that Iv'e lost weight, while im still eating pretty good.

Sure i wish i would be at my goalweight right now, but then i also know i wouldn't feel this good overall. Instead id be much colder, more tired, and i wouldn't be able to see my friends eighter.

So every small step to a healthier Lifestyle is something we all should be proud of!!

And please remember that being healthy is not only based on how your body looks, it's actually mostly about how you feel on the inside.

Its healthy to be able to meet with friends and have a laugh. Its healthy to be able to go out for a long walk and feeling good in your mind and body afterwards, and not feeling sore, and not shaking bc of the loss of energy, and not feeling cold all the time. Because THATS when the happiness starts coming back. Socialise, laugh, dont think to much, and go outside for a walk because it's NICE not because you "have to".

That is what being healthy really is about. And i know that this may sound sooo hard to do, and even think about. And it is gonna be scary and hard to try to step up your calories just a little, but its OK.

Every wound takes time to heal, and so do you.

I know that far from everyone is ready to take a step towards being healthier. And i dont judge anyone, because i have just started myself, and it's hard, but i feel good more often than i feel bad. And before it was the other way around.

I know not many people read my blog, but if you read this, please reblog and let other people in on this page, because i really hope it can help people to get better.

Here are some of the tips im using to get better:

• Drink water to stay hydrated

• Step up your calories a little each/every other day. (How much is up to you, as long as you step up a little each week)

• Take your time. There are going to be bad days where you want to give up, but dont.

• Take a walk everyday. (You dont have to, but its good for your mind to get some fresh air)

• If u feel ready, face your fear food. (For me thats carbs, fat, sugar and diary)

• Keep eating healthy food like salads & greens and meat. It wont make you fat, it Will get you healthier habits.

• Take your time, and dont stress.

• Eat 3 MEALS a day (Breakfast, lunch, dinner) and add in two snacks during the day. (I usally eat an apple as a snack, or rice cakes)

• Tips to the one above: Keep a goal to finish whats on your plate, but remember its OK not to. As i said before, take your time.

• Make your food look and taste good. It will make it more fun, and will build up your image of food as being something fun again.

• To the one above: If you cook your own meals, have fun while cooking! Dance to music, sing, talk to someone over the phone. Do whatever YOU Think is fun.

• Dont be afraid to taste your food while cooking. (I have tried it and i promise, it Will NOT make you gain weight.)

• Talk to someone about your thoughts and feelings. (If you dont have anyone to talk to in person, Tumblr is full of people who would like to talk. Including me.

• Stay positive and do things that make you feel good

• Eat the food you think taste good

• Have that piece of chocolate

• Eat that cracker to your coffee

• Read stuff like this :)

Hope this helps someone. X ♡

[inknose]

mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

[xsixxx]

Bad Influence, Chapter Eight

Authors note: Hiya guys, it's been a while 🤙🏻 Sorry for the wait, I've had a rough few weeks, so I took a break from a lot of stuff, Tumblr included, but I'm back & I've been working on this chapter piece by piece. It was originally supposed to be longer but I've decided to split it into two separate chapters, which means at least the first part of ch.9 is written!

Thank you all for baring with me, I'm sorry for the wait!

So on with the goddamn show 🤟🏻

Warnings: Language, sexual tension, love triangle awkwardness, Beth being a super slut, loads of angst

Tags: @triplehaitches @freddiessmallnipples @queen-crue @scarecrowmax @lovesick-heart0 @littlesunnymoon @80sheart-strings @cranberribread @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies @deaconsroger @zoenicoles @crazysaladchopshop @ggorehorror @lunamadhatter99 @justtryingtoovercome @chaoticvybe @you-know-im-a-dreamer @eightiesrockbaby @valentines-in-london @xrosegoldwolfx @fupatroopaa @lilypetite88 @this-blog-must-be-the-place @ashleecrue @lauravic @dark-princess99 @unknownoblivion @mgkobsessed @antheasnow

(I've given up trying to find matching GIFs for the chapter so here's one of Erin Moriarty who is legit Beth in my head)

*Beths POV*

I rolled out of my bed, pulling on a tshirt & yawning as I went. I glanced across at the naked rockstar, asleep in my bed, which had become quite a common occurrence since the KISS tour ended for Mötley.

Vinces blonde hair lay feathered around his sleeping features & I couldn’t help that girlish feeling of excitement & smugness in my stomach as it struck me, as it does every morning that I wake up next to Vince, that this beautiful man that women threw themselves at, wanted to be sharing my bed.

I smirked to myself as I slipped silently out of the room & made my way into the kitchen.

“Coffee?” Came the always chirpy voice of Tommy, who was grinning ear to ear as he stood in just his boxers in the midddle of the kitchen, changing the filter in the coffee machine. I eyed him up & down, trying to muffle my giggle at the sight of his long chicken legs in all their glory.

“Please.” I mused back to him, smiling.

“Good night?” He winked, catching sight of my yawn as I draped myself lazily against the wall.

"Probably about as good as yours from the sounds of it," I sniggered, "I thought we were having a competition at one point!"

Tommy let out a loud, hearty laugh that immediately made me giggle. His happiness was infectious.

He poured out the coffee into two mugs before sliding me a sly smile as he opened up one of the cupboards & produced a bottle of whiskey. "Fancy making it Irish?" He chuckled.

"Tommy, it's like 10am!" I laughed, shaking my head at him.

"So?! It'll get us in the mood for tonight! You're still coming, right?" He asked as he poured way more than a shot into each of the coffee mugs & handed one to me. I rolled my eyes at his offer of corruption, but my smile betrayed my & I took it from him, more than willingly.

"Of course, you really think Vince would let me miss it?!" I snorted, taking a sip of what was, let's face it, 1/3 whiskey with a coffee mixer. I tried my hardest to keep a straight face as the alcohol hit the back of my throat & immediately warmed my chest, chasing away any remnants of lathergy I might've had. "He's desperate to show off for me, it's been so long since I've seen you guys play!"

"He won't be the only one up there showing off for you." Tommy said, smirking behind his mug as he took an impressive gulp without so much as a blink.

I feigned innocence. "What, are you gonna twirl around your little sticks to try & impress me, T-Bone?" I winked, sticking out my tongue cheekily as he playfully nudge my shoulder, his laughter ringing around the kitchen once again.

"You wish girly," he sniggered. "You know who I'm talking about."

I pretended to rub my chin thoughtfully. "I didn't know Mick had a thing for me.."

Tommy let out another infectious laugh that instantly had me giggling along with me.

"So," he started as we both composed ourselves & I took another sip of my drink "Does Vince know what you & Nikki have been up to then then?" Tommy winked.

I nearly choked on my mouthful of whisky as I clamped my hand over Tommys mouth, peering out of the kitchen door to check we weren't in danger of being heard.

I removed my hand from Tommys mouth to reveal a grin behind it. "So it is true!"

"What, n-no!" I stumbled, knowing I wasn't fooling him, not even close. I relented, sighing as I did. "Goddamn it Sixx, can't keep his mouth shut.."

"Oh, Sixx didn't tell me." He smirked, "I see how you guys act, it's not hard to put the pieces together, you hate each other a little too much." He laughed, his grin growing wider. "I'm kinda surprised Vinny hasn't figured it out yet either.."

I scoffed. "If Vince ever noticed anything other than pussy or his fucking hair, then hell must be freezing over."

"Babe, if hell is freezing over, it's only because you've been warming the devil's bed." Tommy winked again, chuckling darkly as I took a swipe at his arm.

"Ok, well A," I started, as my hand caught him just below his shoulder sharply, wiping that grin off if his face. "I am not sleeping with Nikki! We kissed once! And B, how do you know I call him the devil?!" I asked sheepishly, my face flushing red with embarrassment.

Tommys mouth grew wide again as he rubbed his arm where I'd hit him. "Oh Sixx loves that shit, he brags about it all the time to us!" Sniggered T-Bone, before noticing my face & visibly grimacing. "I said too much again, didnt I? Beth, I'm sorry! He doesn't take the piss or anything," he rushed, stumbling over his words, "you just know him, that sorta shit builds up his ego, calling him the Devil is probably the biggest compliment you could give that twisted fucker!"

I groaned aloud as I downed the last of my whiskey with one swift gulp, hoping it might chase away my memory of the last 5 minutes.

"I can't believe you know!" I moaned, hanging my head.

"I can't believe you thought you guys were being subtle!"

"T-Bone, you gotta keep this to yourself ok? I like how things are with me & Vince right now, we're having fun & I kinda wanna keep it that way. And, for the love of God, don't tell Sophia. I can't be dealing with her disapproval on top of my dad's & my sister's right now." I finished, shaking my head. Tommy looked at me with that cute, dopey look that instinctively made me feel warm & trusting.

"I promise, I won't." He smiled affectionately. I could tell he meant it.

*Later*

*Nikkis POV*

I winked as I approached the gaggle of girls hanging around the door that lead to the backstage of the Whisky.

“Nikki, look for me in the front row.”

“Hey Nikki, cant wait to see the show tonight.”

“What are you doing afterwards Sixx?”

It was always the same. The girls always sounded the same, saying the same things, hoping to be the one to grab my attention that night. They were all starting to look the same too. The same hair, the same tight dresses, the same fake smile plastered on the same forgettable face.

Didn’t matter to me though. I fucking loved it.

I stopped next to them, leaning against the wall & flashing the arrogant smirk that never failed & I watched as they fell to pieces in front of me.

“So, what are you girls hanging around back here for?” I asked, making them giggle.

They babbled away, doing their best to impress me with their answers as I shut off, letting my eyes & my mind wander. I was halfway done mentally undressing them when a soft, flirty voice cut through the noise of the groupies.

“Hey rockstar, what’s a girl gotta do to get backstage?”

I turned my head, my eyes meeting with Beths before they trailed down every goddamn inch of her fine self. She was dressed in an oversized Led Zeppelin tshirt, tucked into a high waisted black denim mini skirt & white sneakers. She definitely wasn't like all the rest.

“Just show up looking like that, angel.” I smirked, not able to stop my eyes tracing her every curve. I strode towards Beth, leaving the wannabe groupies behind me without another word or thought, took her hand & lead her through the door.

“So when’s our next therapy session, Doc?” I mumbled, wrapping my arm around Beths waist, pulling her close as we walked.

Beth let out a forced laugh, wriggling away from me & glancing around quickly, checking we were alone. “Nikki, that night was purely for research purposes, we are not making that sharing circle a regular thing.” She said, her eyes darting around, looking anywhere but at me

“How about we just make the last part of our session a regular thing then?” I mumbled, placing my hands on her hips & pulling her into me once again, leaning my face towards hers, closing the gap between our lips.

Beth took a sharp step back & finally allowed her eyes to meet mine, a look on her face somewhere between panicked & scornful.

“What’s the matter, angel? Worried your boyfriend is going to see us?” I mocked, brashly reaching for her hand, but she snatched it away.

“Yes.” She snapped, before checking herself, blushing pink. “I mean, not that I think Vince is my boyfriend.. Obviously.” She stuttered as I let out an offhand chuckle.

“I should hope not.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?!” Beth retorted, her whole body suddenly stiff & defensive.

“Calm down doll, I only meant that Vinny ain’t the dating kind, I don’t want you getting you hopes up.” I shrugged.

“I’m not one of those girl out there you know,” she gestured towards the door that lead to the faceless groupies. “I don’t crave this bands attention & I don’t need it. Maybe its me that wouldn’t date Vince, ever thought of that?!”

I raised my hands in surrender to her over-sensitive tirade. “That’s all good then, because Vince definitely isn’t gonna date you darlin’, so don’t get used to your sleepovers." I replied, a little too harshly as I let my jealousy seep into my words.

Beths face went dark & her usually soft features looked twisted & angry.

"What's with you tonight, I didn't realise it was possible for you be more of an asshole than normal." She barked.

"And I didn't realise it was possible for you to be more of a stuck up bitch, but I guess people can suprise you." I hurled back, irritated by her defensive attitude.

"Real fucking nice Sixx, thanks. And just when I was starting to think you weren't all bad after the other night.."

"Oh, so you do remember the other night?" I cut in sharply. "Because here's me thinking it must've all been in my head being as you've been doing everything in your power to avoid me since then & pretend like it didn't happen."

"Oh grow up Nikki, I haven't been avoiding you. I've been working & hanging out with Vince, I'm sorry I haven't had much chance to stroke your fucking ego for you."

"I could probably free up some of your time if I went & told Vince that little promise you made me the other night. What was it again? Something about making me kneel before you'?" I laughed smugly as Beth's eyes flashed with fury.

"Christ, you just can't stand the idea of someone turning you down, can you?"

I let out a dumbfounded laugh at her bold pretension. "Remind me Beth, when did you turn me down?. Was that before or after you asked me to kiss you? Or maybe when you were up on the kitchen counter, moaning into my mouth." I asked snidely.

She glowered at me. "What part of me still sleeping with Vince & refusing to kiss you just now makes you think that I'm interested in you?"

I was beginning grow infuriated with her condescension, how could she just pretend like the other night didn't mean shit? "Tell me, is Vince really that good in the sack?"

"And what's that got to do with anything?" Beth fired back, irritated.

"Must be a good fuck if you're willing to get attached to someone who's gonna drop you any day now." I shrugged, pretending I couldn't care less.

“So that's the plan, he gets bored of me & then what Nikki? I move on to you? You get to sleep with me & ‘fufil my dark fantasies’, twist me into someone as fucked up as you so you feel a little less alone?” She spat venomously, her voice cold & sharp, taking me by surprise. My body went rigid as I felt anger descend over me like a mist. Beths face flushed pale as mine turned red, but she remained stubborn, folding her arms across her chest defiantly.

“Fine, fuck off with Vince.” I seethed, my jaw clenched & my mind ablaze with the thought of Vinnys hands on her, touching her like I’d not been able to stop thinking about touching her since that night he first took her home. “He'll get bored of you soon enough, I know I already am.” I finished bluntly, fixing Beth with a stone cold glare before spinning around on my heels & marching towards the backstage door. I leaned through, deciding I’d pick the first one that looked at me.

A tall, slender brunette in a tight red dress with fake tits & that usual fake smile glanced round, her eyes brimming with excitement when she spotted me.

“It’s your lucky day darlin.” I cooed, taking her by the hand & pulling her through the doorway & away from her fake ass friends. Probably for the best, they’d all hate her now anyway.

I turned back to face Beth, smug smile at the ready, trying to think up a shit-eating remark to say as I walked past her, but she'd already disappeared.

Fuck.

"So rockstar, where's your dressing room?" The brunette asked, her fingers finding their way under my shirt to my chest as she draped herself seductively around my arm.

I looked at her with uninterested eyes, my mind still entirely too focused on Beth.

I guess I could use the distraction, I thought, taking the brunettes hand & leading her down the hall & into the dressing room, untying my leather pants as we went.

*Later*

“And where the fuck is Vince?!” I yelled at Mick & Tom, tapping my foot impatiently as we all waited to the side of the stage.

“Not sure,” Tommy lied, badly, “I’m sure he’ll be here in a sec.”

“Pretty sure he’s in the toilet.” Mick mumbled, without looking up from tuning his guitar. Tommy nudged him nervously, but Mick just grunted, flicking him the middle finger without a glance.

I watched from the sidelines as Beth & Vince emerged from the toilet together, giggling like goddamn school kids. White hot jealousy burned through me, flooding my veins as saw them, hand-in-hand, disheveled hair & satisfied smiles plastered on their smug faces.

"Nice of you to fucking join us." I spat as they strolled over to us at their own pace, still laughing.

"Oh come on Nikki, we ain't due to go in for another 15 minutes, chill out man." Vince shrugged unconcerned, fueling my outrage with his nonchalance.

"You might care more about getting your fucking dick wet than you do this band Vince, but this shit actually matters to the rest of us, so either change your attitude or you can get the fuck out." I seethed, my eyes flitting dangerously to Beth, who had taken a cautious step back from me.

"Sixx man, come on," Tommy said, gripping my shoulder, trying to diffuse the situation. "it's not a big deal, we don't need this shit before the show."

I took a steady breath, trying to regain control over my temper. "Just go & change before you make us any later," I hissed at Vince through gritted teeth.

Beth lingered awkwardly as Vince waltzed off to the dressing room, unsure whether to follow him, stick around or simply leave. I decided to help her along with her decision.

"I think it's best you go." I said to her coldly, my bitter jealousy plainly obvious as I turned around & marched towards the back exit, desperate for a smoke.

"Nikki, wait-" Beth called out, following me outside into the cool night air.

"What do you want Lizzy?" I snapped, sparking up my cigarette & taking a long, deep inhale. "I've got nothing to say to you."

"I'm sorry-", she started, but I immediately interrupted.

"For what?! For fucking Vince & almost derailing my show?!”

Beths eyes narrowed. "I was going to apologise for what I said earlier, but yanno what, fuck you." She fired back, defensively. "Why would I be sorry for doing whatever the fuck I want with Vince, it's not like its any of your damn business."

"My fucking band, my fucking business sweetheart." I seethed, taking another long drag through my gritted teeth.

"No Nikki, just because they're in your goddamn band, doesn't make any of those guys in there your property, you don't get to lord over them like you own them." She replied, feeling brave.

"And what about you, huh? I fucking made you into this over confident little groupie & frankly, you're getting a little bit too comfortable around here."

"Excuse me?!" Beth thundered, her whole demeanor changing, "you didn't make me into anything, you egotistical prick!'

I smirked arrogantly, knowing I'd got to her. "You come to my gigs to see my band, you fuck my front man, snort my drugs, party with my guys. Who were you before you met me? A stuck up little princess who didn't know how to have fun. Face it doll, I fucking made you." I scoffed as I watched Beth's face flush red with anger.

“And what about your new piece of ass, huh? You gonna make her too?” She snarled. “You’re pissed because I fucked Vince but you’re a goddamn hypocrite Nikki, I saw you with that girl, taking her into the dressing room. I'm guessing she didn't go in there to help you with your fucking makeup?"

I paused, caught off guard, not realising my plan to make her jealous had actually gone to fruition. I couldn’t stop the sly smile from creeping on to my face. “What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, my voice changing swiftly from enraged to calm & deadly smooth in an instant, enticed by her hint of jealousy & eager to hear her answer.

Beth squirmed a little, realising the corner she’d backed herself into. She looked deliciously trapped.

“I just-” she tripped over her words as she scrambled for an excuse. “I just don’t get it, why are you so pissed that I fucked Vince?” She asked, diverting the attention for herself.

“Because I want you.” I said plainly, switching gears, my anger melting away as I watched her discomfort double as she tried to stay mad.

“What?” She asked, shaking her head in annoyance.

“Because I want you Beth. I’ve wanted you since that night I caught you doing blow in the bathroom with Tommy, the night that Vinny took you home when it should've been me. I want you & I want to be the only one that gets to have you.” I replied bluntly, smirking as Beths mouth fell open a little.

“But you don’t.. You don’t do the whole exclusive thing.” She mumbled awkwardly, still processing my words.

“You’re right. See princess, I’m selfish like that.” I purred, taking one last drag on my cigerette before flicking it away & taking a step towards her so our bodies were practically touching. “I don’t like exclusivity, but also, I really don’t like to share.” I breathed, our lips practically touching.

Beth scowled, suddenly finding her voice. “Well that hardly seems fair. You expect me to be loyal to you whilst you fuck every woman that shows you some attention?!”

I chuckled darkly, knowing how unreasonable I was being. “Pretty much.”

“You’re such an egotistical asshole!” She yelled, raising her hands to shove me away from her, but I caught them by the wrists in one swift movement & pinned them by her shoulders. Beths delicate features were twisted, her perfectly shaped eyebrows were furrowed in anger & her soft pink lips were pulled into a tight, thin line as she fought against my grip. She glared at me, eyes dark & full of hostility. Yet I saw a lingering passion in them. Her tight lips relaxed for just a moment & I saw her drag her bottom lip through her teeth, those dark eyes darting to my mouth. I smirked.

"You’re right, I am an asshole. But you still want to kiss me, don’t you, angel?" I breathed, tightening my grip on her wrists, grinning wider at her mixture of discomfort & pleasure.

Her lips parted slightly & I could hear her breath quicken as I watched her internally fight with her desires whilst I fought with my own. On the surface, we hated each other. I hated everything she represented, the fact that she didn't like my music & how she was like every other girl, sucked in by Vince's blonde hair & boyish charm. She hated my arrogance, my runaway lifestyle & the fact that I could see right through her good girl act & get under her skin like no-one ever had. And yet somehow, that hatred had paved the way for an attraction neither of us could fathom or understand. It was illogical, unwise & entirely unwelcome. But it was also intense, salacious & completely overpowering. We both knew we'd have to give in to it eventually.

She kissed me, unable to restrain herself any longer. I released my grip on her wrists & buried my fingers in her hair, pulling her closer to me. She tasted so damn sweet.

I pulled Beths hair roughly, tilting her head & exposing her neck as I placed hungry kisses along her skin as she moaned aloud, pushing herself up against me. I placed my hands at the base of her pretty neck, running my thumb across the skin gently as I brought her lips back to mine, dragging her lower lip between my teeth. She groaned into my mouth, rubbing up against me as I squeezed my grip around her throat a little tighter, smirking against her kiss as I did.

She was fucking delectable.

Just then, the backdoor to the Whisky swung open, returning us from our heady escape back to the dingy alley with a crash.

"Nikki, come on man, I thought you-" Vince started to say, before catching sight of us jumping a mile apart in a failed attempt to look innocent.

I coughed, trying to regain composure. "Yeah yeah, I'm coming."

Vince's face was like thunder, a mixture of outrage and betrayal turning up a storm. "Nah, doesn't look like you got that far." He spat

"Vinny, I-" Beth stumbled, walking towards him.

His eyes shot from me to her, disgust adding to the mix of emotions he was displaying. "I haven't got nothing to say to you." He said harshly, cutting her off. "& You, brother," he drawled sarcastically, "get your ass inside, we've got a fucking show to play, remember? Or do you care more about getting your dick wet than this band?" He quoted, bitterly.

"Fuck you, Vinny." I shot, shoulder barging him as I shoved past to get through the door.

"Fuck me? Are you fucking kidding, Sixx?" He screeched, quick on my heels. "You're out there grinding on my fucking girl & you're acting like I'm the fucking problem here?"

"Your girl?" I laughed crudely, "Since when does Vince Neil have a girl?"

"You know damn well what I mean. I haven't been hooking up with her for this long for you to just go & help yourself." Vince snarled.

"Well maybe Beths got her reasons for looking elsewhere." I sneered, getting brave.

"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Well Vinny," I started, taking a smug step towards him, getting in his face, "Maybe if you satisfied her, she wouldn't come to me."

"Shut the fuck up Sixx, you know that isn't true!" Beth yelled, pulling on Vinces arm in a feeble attempt to separate us.

"Why else would she come running to me right after you'd finished fucking? Your bathroom fuck clearly wasn't enough for her so she had to come looking for someone that could finish her off." I suggested arrogantly, smirking at my own maliciousness.

"Vince, just walk away." I heard Mick say from somewhere, right before Vinces fist flew at my face.

*Beths POV*

I sat at the bar, drinking away my humiliation as I watched the two guys I'd shamefully kissed in the space of 10 minutes, up on stage playing a visibly tense set. Nikkis angry red cheek was glowing like a beacon for the whole audience to see.

"It's not like you & Vince were anything serious." Sophia said, serving me up another shot of tequila. "I mean, that guy has definitely been screwing around since you guys first hooked up."

"I know & if he'd caught me with anyone else, I don't think it would be a big deal, but it definitely crosses the line to go with one of his band mates & best friends really, doesn't it?" I groaned, burying my face in my hands. "Plus, I'm not exactly a normal groupie, Vinny is my friend, we hang out, he spends the night.." I trailed off, knowing I'd just put a definitive end to that.

"Why were you kissing Nikki?!" Sophia asked, raising her eyebrow knowingly.

"Don't start Soph ok, I don't need it." I replied, necking the shot & gesturing for another. "Let me just bury my shame in peace & fucking tequila."

"I don't get it though, I thought you were liking things with Vince?"

"I was loving things with Vince, I don't know what the fuck I was doing." I sighed. "All I know is that Nikki has a direct line to both my last fucking nerve & my emotional g spot apparently. Who knew they were connected?" I groaned, mentally scolding myself for the millionth time.

"You gotta figure out what you want babe." Sophia said sternly, disapproval written all over her face. "But what you've gotta remember is, neither of these guys are in this for the long run, so are they really worth it?"

I fell silent, sparking up a cigarette & looking back across at the stage.

"I want you, I need you

I want you to be mine tonight.

You need me, you tease me

Use you up, throw you away."

I listened to Vince sing, watched him prancing around, his striking good looks & flamboyant attitude on stage so appealing it made me weak.

Then I looked across at Nikki, dark & brooding, the complete opposite of what I thought my type was. He was conceited & rude, his lifestyle & interests were the furthest thing from my own & he pissed me off like no-one ever had.

If I was being honest with myself, I'd say that, up until tonight, he was right; I'd thought myself above Nikki Sixx.

But tonight had changed everything.

Tonight I'd realised that I wasn't better than anyone else, I was just as bad. Worse, maybe.

I watched Nikki pluck away at the strings on his bass, enjoying the sound for the first time. I let my mind wander back to that night he said he should've taken me home. The same night he promised to drag me down with him.

He'd been right about everything. I wanted excitement in my life, I wanted to have fun. I wanted someone to fulfill my darkest desires. I wanted someone to show me how to enjoy the dark parts of me. And that just wasn't Vince.

I watched Nikki play intently, that spark of desire igniting inside me once again. I wanted him.

My bad influence.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

asks (21)

Anonymous said: Hi! Do you still like Tim Drake?

More than I can describe!

Anonymous said: Please tell me those law school quotes are all from one professor

They are not, but MOST of them are from the civ pro professor. His name is Counseller, and he’s great. He got a standing ovation after his speech at my friend’s graduation yesterday. I once went to dinner at his house and a movie afterwards. He had us all hide his candy in our bags so he didn’t have to pay concession stand prices. 

@whambamthanksbatfam​ said: Do you know canonical nicknames for the Batboys?

Hold up lemme see what I have on file

Off the top of my head I can also think of times that Tim referred to himself as “Timmy” (usually while pretty young), and of course Dick has “boy wonder”

Anonymous said: What do you think will happen to nightwing comics? Writer changes in April, will they be able to reverse the amnesia arc? Do you think maybe the damage to the character is irreversible? I don't understand why they'd allow it especially after what happened when they tried to kill him off. It's also 35th anniversary of his first appearance in a few months. Looking at teen titans, jon kent's age, young justice "coming back" I feel concerned for dc comics' future ):

I’m basically taking my usual approach, which is (as far as comics are concerned)... everything will return to its most profitable form. Comics have a set form. With a few key exceptions-- changes in superhero persona, for example-- things generally make their way back to the “classic” form. Therefore I expect Dick to go back to being Nightwing, in a form we would recognize as typically Nightwing. 

Anonymous said: wait..... waitwaitwaitwait..... wait. did u just swear in that hashtag? i have followed you for like 2 years and the closest i've seen to swearing is "sweet texas on high" which ended up becoming a bad habit of mine to say irl and then have to explain where the hell i heard that, and then i said it enough that one friend started saying it as well, then it just spread like a virus in my friend group (this isn't a complaint this is just surprise and amusement. love ur blog!)

Glad to see my nonsense swears are spreading! To be honest, I (really) swear a lot. Don’t tell my mom

Anonymous said: Hey! I have to choose a quote for my yearbook and i want to do a batman/superhero quote but i cant think of one and was wondering if you could help me out? Im looking to go for kinda funny but also has a bit of meaning, ya know? Anyway thank you!

Oooooh boy lemme see

I like Alfred’s quote in these panels. I would also maybe suggest:

"Whenever someone's asked what power they wish they had, flying is always at the top of the list. But I have to admit. I've learned to love falling too." (Nightwing #142, 2008)

I don’t know how helpful I can be on this one, honestly, but there’s my two cents.

night-mom said: Hi, I have a bat-centric side blog called Bat-Losers-Inc. I just discovered some of your writing on tumblr and have been slowly going through it when I have the time. I really love how you write each character of the Batfam and how each of them feels very distinct from each other but also different from their common representations in the Batman fandom. So anyway, I was wondering if you had a favorite Bat family member to write from in terms of point of view/personality?

Hmmmm a couple of years ago, I would have said Jason. For whatever reason, I’ve always given him a talking/fighting style that’s the most similar to my own, but lately I find myself drawn to Tim and Damian. My guess? Their points of view allow me to explore some things I’ve been going through-- specifically a nasty bout of depression, anxiety, and a psychotic breakdown. I would also say that Dick is the hardest for me to write, followed by Bruce, Duke, and Cass. Stephanie is pretty easy. 

Anonymous said: For some reason, I have this huge need of some angst... Could u please do a prompt of suicide Tim? But he manages to success?? Please???

Listen. I’m definitely not going to do that, and I don’t think I need to explain why. 

Anonymous said: I reread some old B&R comics. Bruce came back from his weird time adventures and one of the first things he said to Damian was, that it was his job as Robin to make sure that Batman gets home safe. Like yeah, I guess it is? But also you're talking to your 10 year old son, I'm waiting for that mentality to bite you in the ass at some point. I mean it kind of did when Damian died to save Dick in Batman Inc. Bruce's parenting is really dangerous sometimes o_o

I agree. I’ve always had a problem anytime the Batman/Robin relationship is framed around what Bruce needs. For the benefit of the child? Sure, I’ll suspend belief for that one. Because an adult needs it? No thanks. That’s why Tim’s origin story bothers me a whooooole lot.

@therusticate said: I just read the fanfic you put out around Christmas with the files on Dick and Damien and I MELTED. There were TEARS! I’m hoping to find some more of your work on your blog; I love your writing style and how everything flows. Thank you so much for creating content! You did a fantastic job and I love it.

Oh, thank you so much! I’m particularly fond of that fic

Anonymous said: how's outlining going?

Anonymous said: what is it that you are outlining??

Anonymous said: I hope your outline turns out good and you do well ❤ you can do it!!

@couldnt-pick-a-name said: Have you finished your outlining yet?

Anonymous said: Good luck on your exams!! I hope they go well and you take care of yourself and don't get too stressed

I appreciate you all for keeping me on topic <3

Exams went... probably pretty well? We’ll find out when grades come back. I was outlining for immigration law, federal administrative law, and constitutional law-- and I did get all of them done. Hallelujah. 

Anonymous said: Young Justice 2019 just got published and I realized I haven't consumed enough YJ material!! Do you have any comic recommends??

Oooooh I guess that depends on which Young Justice you’re talking about? Original v. based on TV show? Either way, my recommendation is to look up the associated series. Original YJ (Tim, Bart, Cassie, Conner, etc.) is the 2000 version by Peter David. That team just got a reboot, and I’m reasonably sure that’s what you’re asking about. Then there’s the YJ comic based on the tv show (2011, I believe).

Either way, I like pretty much the entire series. Sounds simple, but that’s my rec. 

@dontstopkiwibea said: I've been thinking about your fic with Damien and Tim having a conversation about Tim's depression and the time when Bruce was missing. I think about all that missing time a lot and how so much /could/ have happened to Tim but didn't. And then I think about Damien being sad when Tim was dead. And then I think about Dick hearing about Tim's mental state during that time, how bad it really got, and maybe Bruce learns too. Ahhhh I don't know about you but I want more fics about Tim and getting help

Honestly? Same. I feel like there’s a lot of emotion that’s never officially explored, and that’s a problem I personally enjoy fixing. 

Anonymous said: You asked for headcanons, so: Damian likes to give Tim a hard time, and one day Damian scoffs at the idea of Tim getting a pet, saying he’d probably kill it through neglect. Tim doesn’t appreciate that and ends up with a goldfish out of spite. He learns everything there is to know, and his fish is gonna thrive, dammit. And it does. Tim comes to genuinely care for this little creature (and secretly Damian is really pleased Tim is showing such interest in something that isn’t casework or WE).

Love it! Give Tim A Fish 2019

Anonymous said: What are you most looking forward to this year?

Hmmmmm... this is maybe a lil over optimistic, but I’m really looking forward to getting better this year. I’m trying harder and I have better resources than I ever had before. 

@xylophonicsynapse said: Which of the bat-kids makes music playlists?

I’d say that all of them DO it sometimes, but the one who really gets into it is Damian. He likes his music organized, thank you very much.

Anonymous said: Hey Amy! Saw the ask about the line "The sun is UP and so is JESUS we are partying today." and I thought it was hilarious I MUST know where its from! Plz and thank you <3

Lmaoooo that was from a post on Easter

[sebbies]

man behind the sun

Note: repost from my old blog. also pls let know if u liked it :) Warnings: just fluff like honestly ive never written anything angsty

Sometimes you found it odd how a small group of people could live every waking moment with each other, go on missions and still want to hang out afterwards. It didn’t really matter in this moment, the moment you were experiencing could show anyone just how much they care and need each other.

Tony had decided to have a pool party for no particular reason. He said it was a celebration for finishing a grueling mission, but everyone knew that he just wanted to party so no one said anything. The guys were fooling around in the pool with the different kinds of floaties and occasionally they’d play a rough game of tag or something, while the girls huddled around Sharon and talked about her growing baby bump.

“I can’t believe you’re pregnant,” you said as you took a sip of your drink. Sharon looked up from her bump and gave you a small smile.

“I can’t believe you’re not,” she joked back, rubbing her belly, “how long has it been with you and Bucky?”

“Coming up three years,” you sighed, looking down at your drink. Everyone always teased you about how you and Bucky were the perfect couple, the epitome of love and how they couldn’t wait until you got married and had babies. It was all fun and games until you realised that Bucky hadn’t even mentioned anything about marriage and it made you a little anxious in thinking where the relationship would be going. To keep your mind at bay, you chalked it up to the fact that Bucky still might not be ready but a little part of your mind feared that he really didn’t want to get married. Ever.

“Has he hinted at any proposal?” Nat question, her face twisted in confusion.

“Nope,” you said shrugging.

“It’s okay. Steve didn’t propose to me until last year, four years, it took the man four years,”Sharon quipped up, hoping that she could ease your anxiety.

“I’m not so much on my toes,” you lied as you sipped your drink.

The girls moved on from the subject much to your relief but you couldn’t stop thinking about your future. You watched as Wanda placed her hand on Sharon’s belly and giggled when she felt movement and never have you wanted to be a mother such as in this moment. Turning your gaze over to the pool, you watched Bucky goof around with his friends and you couldn’t stop yourself from thinking about having a little boy that Bucky could play games with in the pool. Or a daughter that would be sitting next to you as you gossiped with the girls. A smile formed on your face when you imagined them running around the apartment yelling as their father chased them around pretending to be the bad guy. You stopped the silly fantasies from continuing as you noticed Bucky walking towards the table.

Bucky caught your gaze and smiled at you to which you mirrored. He walked around you, standing facing your back as he placed a wet hand on your shoulder. You gasped as he chuckled and in response you tried to send him the meanest glare possible but it was quickly replaced with a lovesick expression when you placed your hand over his.

“You wanna come play with us?” Bucky asked, looking down at you, eyes never leaving yours. You looked towards your friends and they all nodded for you to go with him.

“Okay sure, let me just get ready,” you said as you leaned forward to place your glass on the table.

“Don’t take too long,” he said before leaning down and pecking your cheek. You watched Bucky jog back to the pool and couldn’t help but to watch his back muscles. A small groan was about to leave your mouth when Bucky dove into the water but before a sound could be made Natasha cleared her throat. You whipped your head towards the girls and saw they all had sly smiles. Your cheeks began to heat up as you realized they caught your shamelessly checking out your boyfriend.

“If he doesn’t propose soon, I’m gonna kick him in the balls,” Nat stated.

“I’m with you on that,” you muttered.

“Y/N! C’mon!” Bucky yelled, stopping the game with the boys much to their annoyance.

“Alright!” You yelled back while standing up and taking off your cover up. Wanda and Sharon let out whistles as Nat cat called you.

“Seriously, if he’s not gonna propose, I will,” Sharon remarked, giving you a wink.

“Sharon, you’re married to Steve,” you giggled.

“Hoes before bros,” was all she said before your name was called again.

The rest of the day was spent playing all sorts of games with the boys and you swore half of the games were made up on the spot because the rules kept changing.

The day was coming to an end when the air turned chilly and when Sharon stood up and called Steve over, letting him know that she and the baby were ready to head out. Soon after you and Bucky decided to head back home as well.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked after a few moments of driving in silence. You seemed a little off since the talk with the girls and he was starting to get worried. You nod, answering his question with an action instead of words. Bucky decided not to press any further and changed the topic to Sam doing something stupid.

Once back at home and in your bedroom, you walked slowly to the balcony and watched the sun set. It was one of your favorite things to witness. Bucky made his way towards you, putting his hands on the railing and leaned forward, capturing you between his body and the railing. He sighed and watched the sky turn different hues of orange and blue.

“Bucky?” You asked after a moment of silence.

“Mmhmm,” he responded, his face chin resting on your shoulder.

“Do you- do you ever think about marriage?” He doesn’t answer immediately causing a wave of anxiety to flood your senses. You noticed that he had lifted his head from your shoulder and backed away from you a little.

“What?” You asked, scared that you said something wrong and triggered him in a way that you don’t want to.

“Nothing, just… wait here, okay?” He looked at you, your body facing him now. You nod, giving him the answer he needs before he disappeared into your bedroom. Turning back towards the sky you braced yourself for the worst possible outcome. In the silence, you heard a drawer being opened, things being pushed aside and then the drawer slammed shut.

“Y/N,” Bucky said so quietly it could have been a whisper. You turned around and saw him holding something behind his back, shifting nervously from one foot to another. He slowly brings his hands into view and opened them. You gasped as you saw the little black velvet box resting on his palms and your heart began to race..

“I’ve had it for five months now… I just didn’t know how to ask or if you even wanted me to,” Bucky says as he walks closer towards you.

“Of course I wanted you to,” you say, placing a hand over your heart.

“Just not like this,” he mumbled.

“This is fine,” you whisper shyly. Bucky takes a look at the box and then back at you and he knows that now is the perfect time. As Bucky gets down on one knee, he slowly opens the box to reveal the most beautiful and simple ring you’ve seen. The hand that had been resting over your heart was now covering your mouth, covering the biggest smile. Both you and Bucky are grinning like fools and your hand falls to your side as he takes the ring out of the box.

“Will you marry me, Y/N?” Bucky asks through the unshed tears threatening to spill.

“Yes,” you breathed out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You jumped a little as Bucky took your left hand and slid the ring onto your finger.

The moment the ring was on, you cupped his face and brought him up to your level and kissed him with so much passion and love. Bucky’s arms wrapped themselves around your waist as yours around his neck and your legs around his waist when he picked you up.

“Thank god you said yes,” Bucky said after breaking apart, leaving little room between the both of you. You gave him a quick peck on the lips and then stuffed your face into the nook of his neck.

“Of course I would,” you said, though it was muffled. You glanced at the ring behind his head and couldn’t believe that he had actually proposed to you. Bucky leans his head back so he could be face to face with you again, leaving small kisses all around your face and you giggled as you felt his stubble scratch your cheeks.

Eventually Bucky let you back down and as you untangled yourself from him, you had another glance at the ring. Bucky took your head and kissed your knuckles and suddenly the smile that was glued to your face was gone.

“You idiot!” You shouted, yanking your hand from his grasp.

“What?” Bucky asked, so confused on how your mood suddenly changed.

“You’ve had this ring for five months!” Bucky chuckled and lifts his hands up in mock surrender.

“I wanted it to be perfect,” Bucky defended.

Truthfully as cliche as it was to get proposed to on a balcony at sunset, it was pretty perfect. But then you realized that with the amount of love you had for Bucky, anything he could have done would have been perfect.

You started to walk towards the bedroom, leaving a smiling Bucky on the balcony. He turned to face you and saw that you had extended your left hand, letting the diamond shine in the last rays of sunlight. Bucky takes your hand as you lead him back inside….to officially seal the deal.

fuck im just gonna tag mutuals i guess cause idk: @supersoldierslover @marvelmom @sniktlogan @aubzylynn @captainpunk @capbuckybuchanan @4theluvofall @sebashtiansatan @soldatbarnes @papi-chulo-bucky 

[theonstyles]

Eurovision 2017

[stemcelltransplant-blog]

Saturday, March 25, 2017

So this is weird. Not exactly sure how this notebook works but it looks really cool. I even set it up on my phone. Tots want to transfer all the lists from notes to this on my phone. So today. Too many thoughts unsure where to start. So this is gonna be a ramble.

 I'm watching Chopped right now. Cant pay attention to it. I try to watch and I cant focus. No idea whats cooking. No idea about the basket ingredients. My head cant focus on the show. I keep thinking.

 Good sleep last night. Woke up at 6:30 to begin my day. So enjoying waking up and thinking. It's the best thing ever. I havent been able to this in so long, its like my brain just turned on. Papa says I just gave myself permission to do other things. 4 years of just focusing on colitis and tv and now its like the world has opened new opportunities.

 Tots feel bad for not formatting this. Or being articulate. So scatter brained. BRAIN TURN OFF!!!! Or at least calm down.

 Kinda feel like its fine though. My writing is showing how im thinking. Makes me feel cool. ;)

 This will be great on a blog. I have so many plans for recording this trip. Excited.

 Ok so back to today. Woke up feeling good.

 Hoping not to repeat anything from this entry to another entry.

 Ok, ok. Focus. Now I want guddo to see what she thinks about this journal. She always stole my journal when I was small and said it was boring. Like just a list of events. No emotion or feelings or anything juicy. Thinking this is a better attempt.

 Ok, really. The point is to focus on today. Feeling like I should do something artistic and focus on the whole transplant thing if its gonna be on a blog. Nah. This is better.

 Woke up happy. I started reading this MIT tech magazine. So interesting. Wanting to start reading about advancements in tech. and to read research articles.

 Then, I started looking up things for guddo. So happy her application deadline isn't passed. Tots freaked out the other day that all deadlines are gone.

 Really wanting to color right now. Its actually really soothing. Gotta finish the entry though.

 Pass order was perfect today. Got out at noon.

 Then went to the best massage ever. You got no idea. My masseur is an angel. (love the background noise of tv) She had perfect pressure, perfectly warm hands. Perfectly hot hot stones. Hehe. Hot hot. Ive had several massages, but this is the best one yet. Ive never moaned in my life but I did today. I was so afraid that I was making it awkward.

 I keep peeing. WHY? Every freaking 20 minutes! :(

 Yeah im gonna say everything. No barriers. No embarrassment. Having people look at your butt for the last four years because of colitis.

 By the way, the relaxation room before and after a massage is something everyone should do. It's so calming. You should definitely arrive early enough to get 30 minutes in the relaxation room before your massage. It's great being surrounded by people, all on comfy couches, enjoying soft music. So calming. Therapeutic.

 Post massage.

 Ok, so now I want to start this on a blog and make it public for people to read daily if they're interested. But my mom says I jinx things when I do that. I'll talk to Guddo, Mama, and Papa and analyze their opinions. Probs gonna do it anyway. I want to keep my friends updated but I also want to make it public and see if I can be popular. (my dad is taking a pic of me right now for the family) So vain, I know. But I think it's ok. Might just skip asking everyone.

My daddy's picture

 Gotta pee again. Ugh. So frustrating.

 This is taking so much longer than expected but I'm really enjoying it.

 Loving my life.

 Ok, after massage. Went back to apartment (dad has an apartment nearby to get to nih when I get discharged from hospital and need to come stay in area for biweekly checkups) Opened packages! Got my new disney jacket, cherry blossom hand sanitizers, fan for hospital. Then, just changed and got ready to go. I keep wanting to work on my LEGO castle but with always doing something everyday I don't get time to do things at the apartment. T_T

 So back to hospital we go. Currently hooked up to IV pole thingy. 12-6 is basically the only time I'm unhooked when I can be everyday (some days I have extra medications so the schedule changes some times.

 Almost forgot to mention pizza. Right after leaving the hospital, I convinced Papa to go to &pizza. Half the fun of eating is eating with another person.

  So ive been without food for the last 5 weeks. Docs wanted to do a bowl rest where nothing goes through mouth except meds and water necessary to take them. For some days now I've been allowed to slowly add clear liquids. Basically one item a day, slowly increasing amount of liquids everyday while reducing my high dose steroids every few days. Clear liquids includes tea, chicken broth, italian ice, etc.

 Back to &pizza. We took lots of videos of the process. Such a good smell in the restaurant. So many toppings. I recorded the people there, my dad ordering, the food. Videos are great ways to save memories. While my dad ate, I had some sweet tea and cherry italian fruit ice. It was so much fun to just take him out and eat together after so long.

  Btw, I was readmitted to hospital 5 weeks ago for gvhd of the gut. More on that later.

 My dad hated the pizza but I think he enjoyed the experience. And then, of course he complained about the bad food afterwards and how I owe him another pizza. Blah blah blah.

 Ok, back in hospital now. Getting tired. Think im gonna stop for today. Anything I forgot to mention, sorry. Going to Tumblr now, starting new blog, posting on FB, bypassing parents (though I did ask my dad about it). Peace out.

[smallalison-archive]

hey folks! a lil update. . .

here’s what’s been goin on:

not being on tumblr was awesome. i suggest y’all try it, even just for 3 days or a week. cool shit happens; u just gotta be introspective and observant to notice. u’ll have wild vivid dreams. very cool.

i got into one of my top colleges (and will be interviewing for their honor program in february) and finished all of my college applications (im so FUCKING relieved)

read and bought a lot of books!!

here’s what’s gonna happen:

i won’t delete my tumblr in the immediate future, but i have deleted the app from my phone (and intend to keep it deleted) which means i won’t be on as often as i used to

if y’all catch me being on this site a lot, call me out. tell me to get the fuck off and read a book. if you see me making posts about how irritated i am about this site, call me out. tell me to change my password and stay off for a week. i really mean it, and i don’t mean to sound dramatic. there’s a sense of dependency i have on this website that has done no favors for me. i rely on this site for interaction, but much of it is unhealthy or inauthentic or prohibitive of legitimate nonvirtual interaction.

being off this site does not strain me in the least bit. i.e.: i do not get sad or lonely or unproductive or anything negative w/o it. i noticed that i compulsively attempted to check it and when i realized that i was unable log in, i didn’t feel upset or irritated; i was simply reminded that i’m too dependent on it, and i moved on w my fucking day. nothing’s different except that my mind is clearer and i feel more in control of my emotions. along with tumblr, i deleted my twitter and instagram apps, and i don’t have the desire to go back on either. i redownloaded instagram to check someone’s account and checked my feed afterwards and was immediately angry and jealous and irritated! which is how i feel a lot of the time with tumblr as well. so i’ve deleted the app again and don’t plan on going back on. 

if this comes across as pretentious or preachy, i apologize, and i don’t intend it to sound that way. your relationship with tumblr and social media is your own, and i can’t speak on your behalf, but i do encourage you to stay away from it for at least a couple days or a week and see how you feel and evaluate the healthiness of your relationship with social media. and then do with your evaluation as you will. 

in my own experience, i feel inhibited by a lot of aspects of social media and find that they control and instigate a lot of negative feelings that i have. i don’t at all want to be dependent on something so controlling and manipulative and skewed. i value very few things more than independence, and my history with social media has only deprived me of that. 

tumblr and other social media have the potential to be addictive if they are not balanced out with more reliable forms of satisfaction. i mentioned that removing yourself from your smart phone or ur most used apps can produce some complex and vivid dreams. same thing happens when smokers quit smoking. i think that speaks volumes. if my brain is thinking more creatively at night because i’ve stopped filling my time with useless online shit during the day, who’s to say what i can do when i’m conscious and not reliant on another entity? 

i also want to clarify that i am not trying to bash or make a case against people who enjoy using social media and are able to extract happiness from their relationships w it. tumblr, in particular, has been a fantastic medium through which i could share and expand my interests with others who cared as i did and make some really solid friendships and connections w people. there are ways to use social media healthily, to control it so that it is not negatively affecting you, and i’m working on learning how to manage that. technology is advancing and media are transforming, so the best course of action, for me at least, is to learn to utilize it to my advantage and learn to step away from it when necessary or change my frame of mind and approach to usage.

in my personal experience, tumblr is a distraction; i function better w/o it. these past 2 weeks, i got a lot of shit done! that’s not to say i didn’t procrastinate or i wasn’t tempted to check tumblr (in fact i checked some people’s blogs during the 2 weeks) or i was super productive, but i experienced a conspicuous change in perspective. i was able to concentrate more deeply, think more creatively, and process information more efficiently. my emotions were more manageable, more sensible, and unmuted. i want to avoid the negative facets of this site as much as i can, but as i mentioned, i do retain dependence on it and find a lot of satisfaction on the site which is hard to achieve without equal amounts of dissatisfaction. over the next few weeks, i will be on, but i will try to limit my usage and function in a way that promotes only beneficial results. if any of you would like to reach me in a non-tumblr way, or talk to me about anything (really anything!), go ahead and PM me and i can give you my number or email or kik or whatever. <3 catch ya later lads

[in-paradox-space]

I scheduled a post for every day for 21 days.

I made them as a reminder for myself everything would get better, but I’m feeling better sooner than anticipated. I regret making the posts because they’re cringy but I’m sure nobody at all sees them. 

You’ll feel better too, whatever you’re going through. 

After some research I decided that’s how long it’d take for me feel alright again after a pretty heavy MDMA and other substance comedown.

I feel like the other substance might be cocaine or ketamine, i dont know. It hit me really quickly and my left arm was being controlled by my leg, when I tried to move my limbs a different part of my body would move.

It was extremely euphoric and terrifying but I just didn’t move for a while until I felt I could carefully attempt to move again.

So yeah the posts are like really emotional and dramatic but I felt fucking awful the week of the comedown.

You heard of brain zaps? They’re fucking awful.

I kept researching online in how the fuck to feel better and stop the brain zaps. Everywhere pointed to a thing called 5htp. It’s tryptophan. From my memory, I believe it’s a chemical which aids to production of serotonin. We get it naturally from food, and it helps our body to create and/or properly absorb serotonin. Something like that... it helps us feel serotonin anyway.

and the internet suggested the brain zaps were likely my brain trying to return back to it’s balance

and at that time i was really lovestruck by a girl. I feel okay knowing i likely wont ever be with her now. 

i dont mind if i see her again or not. I’d like to see her again but i think it’d just be cool to be friends. I think the chemical imbalance made me feel the need to be around someone. It’s all down to the chemicals in your mind at the end of the day. They control your perception of everything, your attitude to the world. 

well yeah, everywhere told me to buy 5htp. i knew it wouldnt arrive in time for me to use them but i ordered anyway, in case this shit happens again. they also sounded good

I tried my first one today, a 100mg pill. 

I felt kind of sick afterwards but I ate a sandwich and I was fine. 

Whether or not it’s a placebo, I felt great today.

Not a euphoric feeling, but I just feel good. 

I smile, type smiley faces and can say I’m good.

I’ve been really confident today. I arrived at college a little late, cracked jokes very naturally. Like it just happened, I just made jokes without thinking and everybody let off genuine, unstoppable laughter. 

I’m not extremely acquainted with my class. I know the names of my tutor and 5 students. We joked like we’d already spent the year together and I smiled. It was a sunny day and I got hella work done.

Work in illustrator. Photoshop is pretty simple but illustrator is just frustrating.

I did a whole art piece in illustrator and I’ve almost half-finished the annotation; I’ll have to type that up tomorrow. I wrote notes and keywords for when I type it up. 

I also have to design like 10 logos.The minimum is six, but I put a lot of planning and basically create multiple logo designs for every one logo.

So if I create six logos as meticulously as I do I should get a merit at least. I’ll have to annotate it well.

I have some work experience lined up. I don’t know where yet, we’re sort of trying the first choice, somewhere pretty prestigious but I don’t want to name it here.

Then if not, it’s some other places which will be pretty useful for my future.

but outside of college

I have some other work experience lined up 

like legit

you see an opportunity, you take it. You say yes. 

Tell yourself yes enough times every morning. 

you will say yes to others 

they say yes to you

Just bring the word into your vocabulary. 

So yeah, 5HTP. I don’t think it’s a placebo. I recommend it to anyone who even knows about this blog. Not suitable if you’re on SSRIs though, of course, because of the connections with serotonin.

I felt pretty good today.

I put out a lot of positive vibrations and recieved them. 

I shouldn’t let my guard down though. 

so yeah

someone posted an opportunity online

somebody sent it to me 

I decided I’d go for it, a lot of other people went for it

but what I had to offer was closest to what the client wanted and/or believed they wanted

and I think I got the place

they wont be disappointed.  

It was on facebook though, they was middle-aged and not exactly an internet dweller

my facebook is fucking FILLED with underground memes

very obscure and ironic to the point of not at all being understood by anyone just a little outside of it

and some accessible, wholesome shit 

but idk

if this person sees them they wont understand

im really surprised they even got to me about it

i think its because i was the only one who offered what they wanted.

My services for free. They won’t be disappointed but I’m sure they have doubts.

I won’t be surprised if they change their mind.

I don’t wanna change my whole facebook to look presentable though, the memers on that friends list were there throughout the whole shabang

the good, the bad and the ugly

they’re brothers and I’m not going to sell them out.

so i need to make a page, then eventually a website, to showcase my work and offer people my services.

tomorrow, I also need to filter through around 2000 HD photos and put the best ones into a folder

then filter those to the very best in another folder

and upload them all on imgur, in the meantime, I suppose

then create a quick Facebook page

haha fuck

creating pages is the hard part

maintaining them can be tricky

they either run themselves, or become a chore you eventually abandon 

If the thought of keeping your page up to date tires you, I recommend scheduling weeks and weeks ahead

and working your ass off for a few days every few weeks.

then u literally just have to read comments and check interactions every now and then.

hnnng

I hate having to filter through hundreds of photos, every time I go somewhere with my camera, to put them into the ‘good’ folders.

mainly because my pc is slow at loading them. 

 I wanted to get a new cpu but the one I wanted was out of stock. 

i think everything else is decent in there. i could use more, faster ram and i need to fix the codecs. 

but the hardware is fine, its just a shitty cpu i got from ebay.

also the tiny motherboard and ram came in a cheap bundle lmao

i dont want to change the motherboard though.

where am i going with this?

Yes! Tomorrow will be a big day.

Gonna take some 5htp in the morning to get through it. I wake up in 4 hours and go to the gym in 5. 

I have to finish my college annotation and spend a few hours doing logos.

Then pilfer through hundreds and hundreds of photos

choose the best ones

upload hundreds and hundreds of high res photos

smooth talk with some potential first clients

and i have to create a facebook page

aaaaa

and I have  to write all the details in there

do I have to watermark all the photos too?  

well

i just wanted to say the 5htp is good. 

im getting good opportunities

things are really starting to look good. 

i write this sentence to you with love!

I have hella work to do tomorrow

and the MDMA comedown isn’t a problem now.