#i think about . i think about... him [cardboard standee diesel]

[hostilecityshowdown]

i'm always looking for the heartbreak hotel segment featuring (cardboard) big daddy cool diesel, might as well upload the damn thing.

broadcast on february eighteenth, 1995, on WWF superstars

transcription:

[ sexy boy plays in the background ]

vince mcmahon (on commentary): shawn michaels! michaels, if you would, please, take it away!

hbk (on mic, in the ring on the heartbreak hotel set): ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the long awaited return of the heartbreak hotel.

vince: yes, people have been losing sleep at night

jerry lawler (on commentary): c'mon, mcmahon

hbk (as sexy boy fades into silence): now i know a lot of ya are expecting the heartbreak kid to come out here and gloat over the fact that he won the 1995 royal rumble- and guess what: you're right! [mocking laughter] i told ya i was gonna do it! and i did it. twenty nine of the biggest and the baddest, but who was left standing tall in the end, arm in arm with pamela anderson? yours truly: the heartbreak kid.

vince: first man and last man standing, give him credit!

hbk: you'd think you people woulda learned by now that when ol' heartbreak tells ya somethin', it's gonna happen.

vince: sometimes.

hbk: now, i've told people as of late, because of my skyrocketing popularity, that i am in search of a man that can be my bodyguard.

vince: put your hand down, king.

lawler: ...i can do that.

hbk: a man who can watch my back. you see, the fact of the matter is, the heartbreak kid is oh so popular... and let's face it, pam anderson, well, she's pretty popular herself. she and i just can't go anywhere, so the heartbreak kid is in the market for someone who can watch his back while i watch pam's front.

vince: how cute.

lawler: keep the adoring fans at arm's length.

hbk: but again, as i've promised, the heartbreak kid is out here to give the fans of the world wrestling federation what they want. and i promised ya that i would have the world wrestling federation champion, big daddy cool diesel, right here, on the heartbreak hotel.

vince: oh boy, here we go!

hbk: folks, as always, the mail man is gonna deliver. please welcome my guest [ diesel's truck staring noise, horn blaring, and the song diesel blues begin in the background ] the world wrestling federation champion, big daddy cool diesel!

[ pathetic little sparklers and fireworks mimicking diesel's usual fanfare fizzle as hbk unveils a cardboard standee of diesel. the king laughs, hbk sarcastically exclaims. diesel blues fades to silence ]

hbk: whoa! my goodness, what a- what an enlightening display, there. well that was, woof! that was breathtaking, big man. that was sort of... sorta... fizzling... pyrotechnics there... but- that's understandable, y'know, your pyrotechnics are fizzling, your career as world wrestling federation champion is definitely fizzling, so, i guess it's only par for the course.

lawler: this is great, mcmahon!

hbk (patting the cardboard standee): and big man- easy, easy, loosen up, don't be so stiff. [ lawler laughs ] we'll have a little fun here, remember? we used to have fun before, c'mon, loosen up. now i know it's painfully obvious that big daddy cool is a paper champion, and the fact of the matter is [ hbk checking the back of the cardboard standee] he has no backbone. but big daddy cool, i gotta ask ya a couple of questions... how did it feel to see the heartbreak kid... eliminate twenty nine of the biggest, baddest superstars in all of the world wrestling federation? i mean, i know you had to be shaking in your boots, back there in that little cubby hole you call a dressing room. but let's face it, if you make it to wrestlemania as the world wrestling federation champion, it's the heartbreak kid you gotta deal with. but still, when you saw me do that at the royal rumble, what was going through your mind?

[ hbk holds the microphone up to the cardboard standee's mouth and stares at it expectantly. he nods once. ]

vince: you know, this is absurd.

hbk (returning the mic to his own mouth): uhuh! i see! very good! y'know, since the day i ever m- since the first day i met him, the same thing's been goin' through his mind. [ hbk makes a whistling "zip" noise while gesturing the sound. ] nothin'! [ laughs ] now big daddy, please, i got- i got so many questions i wanna ask ya, i don't know where to start! i'm realising, ya must be terrified, but, big man... [ hbk begins repeatedly poking the cardboard standee's chest ] you, my friend, are gonna have to face the heartbreak kid at wrestlemania if you can hold onto this title here, you realise that? huh?

vince: well diesel faces owen hart in the action zone this sunday.

hbk: you realise that? [ hbk holds the mic up to the standee again, briefly ] can you believe it? he's scared stiff! he won't say a word! [ hbk turns back to the standee ] it's okay! i'm allowing ya to talk- i'm- i'm a- it's oh. kay. you can talk, alright? don't be afraid- i'm not gonna hurt cha now, c'mon. [ hbk holds the mic up to the standee briefly again. lawler laughs ] you know, i realise i strike fear into the hearts of many people, but this is too much. big daddy cool... look at him. he doesn't look so cool now, does he? well, big daddy, and all you fans of the world wrestling federation, this is the man! that is walking arm in arm! with pamela anderson! into wrestlemania! and this! is the man! that is walking out of wrestlemania! arm in arm! with pamela anderson! but with somethin' new. the world wrestling federation championship- whether big daddy cool likes it, whether the fans of the world wrestling federation like it! the heartbreak kid is the wrestler of the nineties, and he will be the world wrestling federation champion! [ hbk knocks the diesel standee over ]

vince: oh my godness!

hbk: easy! ooohh, easy, big daddy's fallen... [ mocking laughter ] and he can't, and he won't... get up. [ sexy boy begins playing ] it is checkout tiimme! [ hbk does a little spin before the fade out ]