#i switched from present to past tense dlnjkwnhejew

[koulakoukoula2003]

Hii do u write angst? Like can we have y/n with an unrequited love for erwin smith

Anon, angst is my SPECIALTY i've made so many ppl cry with my angst writing skillz

as a matter of fact, the main point of my erwin x oc longfic is ANGST AHAHAHA if you love angst, ive written 250k words of it (go read it uwu)

but if you're not into longfics, pls accept this humble offering *stretches fingers*

trust me, bestie, unrequited love is least painful angsty trope i can write you. I want you to think about spending your entire life trying to please this man (joining the Survey Corps and becoming a top soldier FOR him, to protect him) and he still goes out and dies cause you will always come second. His dreams, his aims, the fate of the world will always be more important to him than you are.

So, even if he loves you, does it even matter? Erwin is a selfish man, but when it comes to his own feelings? He's as selfless as can be. He's going to take his fast-thrumming-for-you heart and he's going to toss it into the gutter, you know why? Because it simply doesn't matter. His feelings for you don't matter.

You don't matter. He's going to order you to ride to your own death if it means it saves the world.

He will order the person that he loves to die if it means his plans will be realised. And you're going to die for him, because that's what you've been doing your entire life, isn't it? You joined the Survey Corps for him and he has never even looked at you with a spec of fondness.

You're not even sure whether this man feels anything, sometimes you're just crawling in despair and you're certain you should quit and leave the Survey Corps because you thought you were chasing his heart, but there's no heart beneath his chest. He has torn it out and he has buried it somewhere and looking for it is pointless no matter what you do.

And it was in times like this when he'd ask you to sit on his lap, in the very late nights when you would check up on him. You knew he always worked and you always tried to throw a blanket over him whenever he'd fall asleep on his desk.

But tonight he wasn't sleeping and tomorrow you had prepared your resignation to deliver to him. But he wasn't sleeping and he asked you sit on his lap.

And you did, and he buried his face in your shoulder and wrapped his arms around you and he closed his eyes. He drew in your scent and he sighed blissfully when you buried your fingers in his hair and you stroked so gently.

You found him sleeping so peacefully on your shoulder and you decided you weren't going to resign tomorrow. But that very instance had happened before, over and over, and he had confused you.

Did he love you? Did he resent you? What did he want? You were never going to get an answer and he was never going to say that three-letter sentence that you so desired, but you still stuck by his side for those very, very rare moments when he gave you the most affection you've ever taken from him.

You were going to waste your life over this, weren't you?

Even when you knew that one day he was going to die and you were going to lose him, maybe you would ride to your death beside him. You cursed your heart for choosing him so many damn times.

Erwin Smith was a man with purpose. Love and marriage and children were never going to be part of his life and he had always known that.

But then you came into his life and he tried everything he could to kick you out of it. Heck, you joined the freaking Survey Corps just so that you could be closer to him. He hated it though, because you put him out of his course. You got into his plans and trampled all over them.

All he ever planned was for himself to achieve his goals and die a meaningful, honorable death in the battlefield. That was a realistic ending that was never going to hurt anyone. He actually hoped to inspire the future generations like this.

But no, you just had to be there and make everything so damn complicating.

You could no longer keep it up like this. You needed some clarity. You deserved it at least. So you talked to him about this and it only ended up with him bursting out like this.

“I feel nothing for you,”

It was a lie. A lie he kept telling himself. A lie that he had tried to use to convince himself. I feel nothing for her. She’s nothing to me. She’s nothing. But it was just so hard to resist because you were everything to him and it was just so difficult.

You felt numb for a moment. Had he actually just said that? After everything you had done for him. You let out a soft sob. I feel nothing for you. It felt like a stab in the heart. Why was he doing this? Why again? Had he not hurt you enough?

“Why are you doing this?” Tears ran down your cheeks, but you wiped them away immediately. “But I… I love you,” There was no point in trying, was there? You had done so much for him. You would let him hurt you over and over and you'd take it, but how much could you take?

I feel nothing for you.

“You don’t love me, y/n, you love the way I treat you,” He turned and looked at you and approached you. “You love the way I use you. The way I hurt you,” He wrapped his arms around you. “You love the way I break your heart, over and over. You love how heartless I am,” He knew there was some truth in it. You would never admit it, but yes, you loved the way he used you. His doll. His little slut to use to please himself. But he was wrong about everything else.

“If that was true, I would have never joined the Survey Corps,” You sniffled. “I wouldn’t set my mind on becoming a better soldier than you are if it wasn’t for the sake of protecting you,” you gritted her teeth. “I tried to leave. I tried to convince myself that pursuing you is a hopeless cause. Yet here I am,”

“Then why are you here?” His arms tightened around you. “Why are you here, y/n, I’ve given you every reason to hate me. Why don’t you just do it?!”

He looked so desperate. Bright blue eyes wide staring into your own. His arms so tight around you, it suffocated you, but you didn’t care. Was that it? He had been trying to make you hate him? To make you try to leave again? Why would he do that? He probably didn’t even want you to be there, did he? No.

He didn’t want her to be in love with him. He didn’t want that because he was going to fail you. He was going to hurt you. He was possibly going to ride right into his death one day and he knew he wouldn’t spare a thought for you. He would hurt you because he’d put his job above you. He’d do it without a second thought and order you to jump right into your death if it meant his plans would bear fruition.

And you did not deserve that. You had to leave before it’d get to this.

“Maybe that’s because…” Your eyes softened, and you cupped his cheek. “…deep down I hope that there’s a part of you that you won’t let out,” you ran the back of your soft fingers across his cheek, and he closed his eyes momentarily. Your eyes filled with a new pair tears. “A gentle man who would allow himself to love me,”

But you knew this man would never come out.