#i swear i will remember this fifth attempt at keeping a consistant tag for my real life stuff

[tumblunni]

I AM MR FITNESS

26/10 Big failure day! I shouldnt have had that caffinated drink yesterday at the big shopping thing cos WOW i was exhausted after so much Accomplishment and then tje caffeine made my sleeping pattern all bad. I woke up late today and it was only 2:30 so i could have theoretically made it to the doctor appointment at 3 but i just got so anxious cos it was such a rush. So i just flaked out on going and i didnt even call them to cancel and im so damn dissappointed in myself aa... This is the first anxiety failure ive had since i left park road...

And then i wasted so much time by waking up late so i felt like it was already too late and i wasmt gonna be able to clean up the kitchen before monday even tho its three days away and i know im being stupid. Just trying to fall into a spiral of failure again!

So umm yeah i only managed to clean 50% of the floor before the sun went down and cos the lightbulb's broken i cant really see enough to clean at night and AAA also i didnt go out today to pay the heating bill cos i felt like id be ashamed walking past the doctors office and knowing i failed.

I just feel like a big pile o fails...

So umm yeah at least i tried to stop procrastinating finishing that google doc about one of my videogame ideas. That's finished now and i shared it with my friends but now i just feel even more on edge waiting for anyone to reply...

Man what a shitty day! Im gonna go wear one of the cute shirts i bought yesterday to try and cheer up. And also cos its freezing cold and i have no heating lol...

Maybe i should try and go on a late night walk just to make this whole day not be a total failure? Aaaa...

I DID EXACTLY THAT

holy fuckin shit i walked 5 kilometres at midnight to find the fuckIN ONLY SHOP STILL OPEN 24 HOURS TO PAY HEATING BILLS

I got a taxi back tho cos i was not only Absolutely Died but also my phone was almost out of battery and i knew i cpuldnt retrace my steps without google maps

I feel weirdly energized and accomplished?? Even though it wasnt anything on my to-do list and it was just a pointless challenge i set myself for literally no reason?? I guess making up a new accomplishment after failing the one i was acrually supposed to do is sort of a way to fight off the self hate. Either that or just its harder to be anxious when you're Exhausted

Anyway i had a nice hot chocolate at The Only 24 Hour Heating Bills Store That Is 5 Kilometres Away, and the taxi driver who helped me get back home was real nice and sympathetic. TOTALLY frustrating to see how quick it is to get back home by car tho! Like under ten minutes and a super cheap taxi ride! He could just go straight there, not spend two hours navigating insane alleyways through people's gardens and mysterious bridges over the river styx. Seriously why is st mellons such a fuckin maze if you wanna get anywhere by foot? Oh well, at least it was mildly more interesting that way. And i can feel accomplished for getting past that Death Bridge despite my fear of even ordinary bridges. I think i just reached the point wher ei was like "fuck im already halfway there, i cant turn back even if it means runnibg over a bridge completely blind and not knowing whats a shadow and what's a hole in the boards". Fuckin hell mate, do some maintenance on that thibg! Or at least install a streetlamp! It wasnt even on the map so wtf did i actually enter a pocket dimension? I also saw the exact same make and model of TV i just threw out, 4 kilimetres away from my house. Like its a friggin 2003 era old crt monitor so what's the friggin odds? Was it the styx of electronics..? Was it ROTOM'S BRIDGE..??

anyway holy fuck im gonna go have THE HOTTEST BATH