#i still think oh the church was never intended for providing services to help is funny

[mey-rin-is-fabulous]

Ugh this guy needs a hobby or a job so bad. He's way too obsessed with things getting stolen and homeless people stealing. Like dude you are living in government housing which is one step above homelessness. You could very easily have been one of those people you look down on for being looks at smudged writing on hand homeless and an addict. And he very much is an addict. Needing cigarettes to get through the week very much makes you a drug addict my guy.

Maybe stop putting so much effort into getting mad and despising them for things they honestly can't control and put more effort into actually helping them.

[electronicgrowth]

Can’t Get Enough Part 2

Hi friends! What do we think of Billie and Lee? How will Lee keep Billie? Only time will tell *evil laugh*. 

Summary: The two most stubborn people in Knockemstiff, Ohio have eyes for only each other. Lee Bodecker is determined to become the town’s next sheriff. He knows that image is everything. Billie Dechswaan doesn’t care about her image at all. All she wants is to leave Knockemstiff and never come back. But Lee has other plans for her. Both are far too stubborn to give up their own plans. What happens when they can’t get enough of each other?

Word Count: 1.9k

Billie awoke the next morning nervous. Not nervous that she was going to be pregnant, she may have been a small town girl but she wasn’t stupid. No, she was nervous because she knew she had crossed a line the night before. It was something she had dreamed of doing, for almost a full year. But she had plans to leave Knockemstiff and she couldn’t be deterred. She figured there was no sense in worrying about it for the time being. Knowing Lee Bodecker, she knew that he never paid a girl attention for very long. And she had to get ready for church. 

Being part of a family of eight meant that trying to pile everyone into the car on Sunday morning was an event. Wesley sat between his parents. And the three girls sat in the back. Joseph and Thomas sat in the trunk area. It was plenty big for the two of them. Joy fussed over her children. Straightening the boys ties and attempting to keep the girls’ dresses from getting rumpled. She had recently focused much of her attention on Billie. Billie was at the age where she needed to think about finding a nice fella to settle down with. John and Joy didn’t approve of Billie’s plan to leave Ross County. They knew she could find a nice boy in town and have wonderful grandchildren for them. 

Today Joy was especially grating to Billie. She thought about faking sick and skipping the church services. She didn’t know why her mother made the family listen to both services. They weren’t the same, but they were similar. Billie thought one service was plenty. But no, they had two every Sunday and Joy insisted that her daughters help serve lunch between the two services. The local women who could find some room in their budget to contribute a dish or two each week ran the lunches. She hated that everyone expected her to help. But she never put up a fuss about it. 

Lee awoke that same morning very excited. Excited about his future with Billie and today he would start to woo her. He knew the entire family would be at the Sunday church service. So, he went to the Sunday service and actively sought out the Dechswaan family. He saw Joy in one pew, she was toying with Billie’s dress. It’s white with pink flowers embroidered on it. Joy is obsessively running one hand over the dress, as if she think there’s wrinkles in the fabric. Billie looks entirely unamused. Lee walks over to the family as they’re starting to sit down. 

“Deputy Bodecker,” Joy beamed, “How are you on this fine Sunday?”

“Doing well ma’am,” he responds. 

“Good, good. Why don’t you sit with us today,” Joy grins, sitting down. 

“I would love to,” Lee smirks. 

“You and Billie can sit next to each other,” Joy suggests. He was used to mama’s shoving their daughters at him. What mama wouldn’t want a nice man with benefits to marry their little girl? 

Lee grinned to himself as he sat. If Joy was already trying to push Billie on him then this would be easy. Billie hesitantly sits between Lee and her mother. Lee’s legs spread open so his thigh brushes Billie’s. She strains to take a deep breath in. The air in the church was sweltering. You couldn’t expect much more from a stuffy church in Southern Ohio in June. 

Sweat was pouring down Billie’s back. She could feel her heart beating out of her chest. Lee moved his leg up and down so it rubbed on Billie’s leg. She wanted desperately to lean into it. The preacher asked the congregation to stand and sing. Billie stands with the rest of the family, she felt all the blood rush to her head. She stumbles back into Lee a bit. He rights her, he’s not sure what to make of her stumble and the intense blush in her face. She moves her hair off of her neck. She can’t feel the tips of her fingers, there’s ringing in her ears, and she can’t breathe. She starts to see little black dots hopping across her visual field. They’re halfway through Amazing Grace when Billie’s vision goes black and she collapses. 

Lee catches her before she hits the floor. There’s gasping and panicking. The preacher’s wife jumps to action.

“Let’s get her to the kitchen, we can get her some water,” she says, coming to the rescue. Lee carries Billie and Mrs. Dechswaan follows closely behind, ordering the other children to stay with their father to finish the sermon. Billie’s loss of consciousness is very brief, before they even get fully downstairs her eyes flutter open. She doesn’t fight Lee holding her. He manages to get her downstairs to the church kitchen, where he gingerly sets her on a countertop. 

“You feeling alright, sweetie?” Her mother coos with concern. Billie nods, not trusting her own voice. “I told you to eat breakfast,” Joy admonishes, handing her a glass of water provided by the preacher’s wife. Lee gathers Billie’s hair off her neck and starts to fan her with a church bulletin. If Joy wasn’t so concerned with her daughter fainting she might have noticed that such an action was too familiar. Billie sipped the water for a moment. 

“Thank you for catching me Deputy Bodecker,” she whispers. 

“Of course,” he responds.

“Mama, I just wanna go home,” Billie begs. 

“We can’t, honey. I’m signed up to serve luncheon between services,” Joy sighs. 

“Well, daddy or Joseph or Thomas could drive me home between,” Billie counters. 

“Honey, you know they’re going straight to that hog auction from here,” Joy says, clearly irritated that the three are skipping a church service. 

“I could take her,” Lee offers.

“We couldn’t impose,” Joy argues. 

“No, really. It’s quite alright. I was going to duck out between services anyway. I have a shift down at the station,” Lee promises. 

“Mama, just let him take me,” Billie urges. Joy looks at Lee, studying him.

“If you’re sure, I would really appreciate you helping us out,” she exhales. 

“Of course. It’s no problem,” Lee smiles. 

“Alright,” Joy allows, “Thank you Lee.” Billie slides off the counter and onto her feet. The four sneak back up to the main level. The preacher’s wife and Joy go back to the chapel for the remainder of the service. But Lee leads Billie outside with a tight grip on her arm. He opens the passenger door for her, before going around to the other side of the car.

“Thank you,” she murmurs as Lee starts the car. 

“You feeling any better?” He asks, eyes straight ahead on the road. 

“Still a little light-headed, but yeah,” she says. 

“You scared me there,” he tells her. 

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes. Lee nods. He’s silent for a moment. 

“I wanted to chat with you about the other night, actually,” Lee says. 

“Are you going to lecture me?” Billie wonders aloud. 

“No,” he laughed, “I just want to make myself clear going forward.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I would like to start dating you,” he responded.

“Huh,” Billie hummed. 

“You’re a beautiful girl and you deserve someone who can provide for ya and treat ya right,” Lee murmured. 

“Sounds like you’re ready to settle down.”

“I am. The sheriff’s gotta have a lady on his arm.”

“And you want me… to be that lady.”

“I do. You’d be good at it. Already help serve Sunday luncheon and you could volunteer to work with the little kids during one of the services. Until we have our own babies, of course.”

“I think you’re moving too fast, Lee. I intend to go my own way for a time. I want to experience the world.”

“Baby,” he shakes his head, “The only experiences you need are right here. I can give you a good life. Once I’m sheriff, anything you want I can get ya. The fanciest house. The prettiest dresses. I don’t care. We’ll be so happy.” Lee stops the car, they had finally arrived back to the old farmhouse that Billie’s family lived in. Billie’s eyes are wide. She seemed almost panicked by what he had to say. 

“Uhmm, do want to come in? Have a glass of lemonade?” She asked, politely. 

“Of course,” he smiled. He was glad that she was already catering to him. She’d make a pretty little wife. He followed Billie up the steps of the house, she stumbled a little and he caught her by the elbow. 

“Thank you,” she sighed. She opened the door and led him to the kitchen. The table where the family ate was scuffed and scratched, all the chairs were mismatched. He would buy her a much nicer dining room set. He sat and waited for her to join him. She gathered two glasses and a pitcher of lemonade before sitting down at the table. She poured them each a glass. Lee drank from his glass deeply, while Billie sipped. 

“I appreciate what you’re saying Lee, I really do,” she began, “But I really want to go to college. I want to be a teacher and live in a big city.” 

“I know, honey. But my plan is better for you. You don’t have to work. You just gotta take care of me,” he explained. It was simple to him. He couldn’t fathom what it was that she wasn’t getting. Billie was quiet. 

“Didn’t you have fun last night, sugar?” He asked, his voice was gravelly and low. 

“I-I did,” she answered. Lee reach his hand over to rub her thigh. 

“I could love on you like that every night, baby,” he told her, “Wouldn’t that be nice?” Billie nodded dumbly. It did sound nice. Her heart was beating quickly again. She fought to control her breath. Was he going to do that again? Right now? Part of her really hoped so. 

“Well, we don’t have to get married anytime soon,” Lee reasoned, “We can take it slow and maybe next summer we get married. Just give me sometime to prove to ya that I can treat ya right, okay?” Billie nodded again. Lee leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers. 

“I gotta head to work, baby,” Lee downed the rest of his lemonade, “Let’s meet tonight. Go through your woods over here and I’ll pick you up, okay?”

“Alright,” Billie nodded. She didn’t know why she was agreeing. 

“Good, I’ll see you at ten, then. Now give me a kiss and walk me out,” he commanded, standing up. Billie stood and reached up on her tippy toes to kiss Lee. He was at least six foot and she was just five feet five inches tall. She pecked his lips. But he wrapped his arms around her, and held her to him. He deepened the kiss, running his tongue against hers. She kissed him back eagerly. Her tongue fought his for dominance. His hand snaked down to her ass to palm it. He pulled away from her with a gasp and released her. Billie walked him to the door and pecked his lips a second time. 

“Bye,” she smiled. 

“I’ll see you tonight, baby.” She watched Lee drive away before closing the door. She went back to the kitchen to clean the two glasses, before slinking up to her bed. If she was meeting Lee tonight then she would need to get some sleep. 

@greeneyedblondie44

[thetravelerwrites]

DuMont (Part 3) Lemon

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Female Elf Ranger/Male Tiefling Barbarian Additional Tags: Exophilia, Tiefling, Elf, Kobold, Half Elf, Human, Rogue, Bard, Barbarian, Ranger, Mage, Wizard, D&D, Dungeons & Dragons, Sex, Third Person Perspective Words: 3839

Kharis seems dissatisfied with DuMont's... performance, so DuMont intends to ask for advice from Rupert. Things don’t go as planned. Please reblog and leave feedback!

The Traveler's Masterlist

“Why do you do that?” Kharis asked as she and DuMont lay in their bed of straw and furs together.

They were sheltering in a run down barn on the outskirts of the nearest town. Rupert, Sanoh, and Norman were at an inn, but DuMont was too large to fit through most doors. Kharis decided to stay with DuMont instead of enjoying the comforts of the inn, which usually meant she was feeling frisky.

“Do what?” DuMont asked, looking over at her in confusion.

She sighed. “Ask me if I’m okay every time I make a noise when we have sex? And you’re always so gentle, like I’m made of glass and you’re scared you’re going to hurt me.”

“I am scared of that,” He replied, propping himself up on his elbow to look down at her. “I could injure you very easily if I’m not careful. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Kharis sighed discontentedly and reached up to scratch his chest absentmindedly. “It’s not that I don’t like the gentleness. It’s sweet. But I wish you would lose control sometimes, take charge, be spontaneous. Just grab me and fuck me senseless without even saying anything. I’m always the one who tells you what to do, and trust me I love giving orders, but I’d love it if you told me to just shut up and suck your dick once in a while.”

DuMont grimaced. “I don’t think I’d feel right, saying something like that.”

“That’s kind of my point, darling,” She said, sitting up with a slight chuckle. “You’re too pure for your own good sometimes. It’s growing up in that church that did it, it must be. What did that caretaker of yours tell you about sex?”

“That it was mostly a trap set by women to steal a man’s money. He was rather bitter about some woman in his past, I think, though he never talked about it.”

Kharis snorted. “That tracks. Look, it’s not like I want you to treat me badly or be cruel to me. It’s not about being gross or vulgar or wanting to hurt me, it’s about being aggressive, feral, demanding. Using my body to get what you want. When that’s done the right way, it’s so sexy. And I’m giving you consent to do it, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“But I don’t know how to do that without hurting you,” He said, mildly frustrated.

Kharis sighed again. “I know, angel. It’s alright, don’t worry yourself too much over it. We’ll figure it out.” She rolled into him and snuggled against his body. “Get some sleep. We need to be up and moving before dawn. Love you.”

“Love you,” DuMont echoed, curling his body around hers and making sure she was as warm as he could make her.

Kharis fell asleep pretty quickly, but DuMont was unable to fall asleep for some time. He replayed the conversation with Kharis over and over in his mind, trying to parse what it was she wanted. Did she really want him to hurt her or be violent with her? That couldn’t be right. When he was violent, he killed people. He didn’t even mean to kill people sometimes, it just happened. He was still trying to gauge his strength and he often failed. How could he be forceful with her and not end up injuring her, or even killing her?

Maybe he could ask Rupert or Norman. Rupert and Sanoh were… very active… almost as active as he and Kharis were, but they both had more experience than he did. Norman was known to hire companions frequently, so he had different partners often. Norman and Rupert might be able to help.

The next day, the five of them came upon something that they hadn’t encountered in their travels: a proper bathhouse. It was lavish and resplendent and wildly out of place in this little town.

“Oh! Look!” Kharis said, pointing excitedly. “Look how big the doors are! DuMont, you’ll fit! We should splurge a little! We made a ton of gold from our last job and I haven’t had a bath that wasn’t in a cold pond in ages. Please, let’s go!”

“I’m totally down for this,” Sanoh said. “My scales have been so dry and itchy. I think I’m getting ready to molt.” She grimaced and scratched at her arm, which did look a bit flaky. “I hate molting. I’m out of commission for a solid week. It’s such an inconvenience.”

“How often do you molt?” Norman asked.

“Once a year. The good news is, once I’m done we can sell the skin for a good price. People grind it up and use it as a wound paste.”

“That’s actually fascinating,” Rupert said. “I wonder what magical properties your sheds might have.”

“Yeah, that’s great and totally not gross at all, are we doing this or what?” Kharis said impatiently.

“Sure, sure,” Norman said. “As long as we’re not spending all our money, it’s fine.”

The four of them started forward toward the building, but DuMont hesitated. Kharis doubled back.

“You okay, big guy?” She asked, patting his arm.

“Are you sure you want me to come in with you?” He asked apprehensively.

“Of course!” Kharis said. “Have you ever had a proper bath before?”

“I don’t think so,” He said.

“Then this could be an opportunity for you. Come get pampered with us. It’s fun.”

DuMont groused uncertainly, but he allowed Kharis to drag him into the bathhouse.

DuMont felt very out of place inside the pastel walls of the parlor, looking around at the delicate figurines and statues with discomfort and attempting to make himself smaller. The hostess, an elven woman, looked at him warily but greeted them all brightly.

“Welcome to the Rushing Waters Baths. Will you be needing separate rooms or a communal room this evening? The separate rooms are more private, but also more expensive.”

“One for the boys and one for the girls?” Rupert asked.

“Sounds good to me,” Kharis said. “Do you have one big enough for my sweetheart here?” She patted DuMont’s arm.

The elven woman looked him up and down appraisingly. “Unfortunately, I think the only bath that will fit him is the public bath. However, we have no other customers at the moment, so he will have it to himself.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Kharis said. “You’ll get to stretch your legs and soak for a while.”

DuMont grunted. “Thank you,” He said, addressing the hostess. His deep, low voice rattled the shelves slightly.

“We also offer laundering services,” The hostess said. “Simply leave your clothing on the shelves at the exterior of the bathing rooms and a silver for the service.”

DuMont looked down at himself and the simple loincloth he wore for modesty’s sake. He also donned a simple coat that Kharis had fashioned for him out of some large drapes for when it started getting cold. She wasn’t a great seamstress and the coat was a little haphazard and slapdash, but DuMont had treasured the gift and rarely took it off.

He had money now for the first time in his life, but there wasn’t many places that made clothing in his size. He could commission something, he supposed, but considering how often he ended up covered with dirt and blood, there wasn’t much point.

“You will need to leave your… weapons,” She glanced at the massive church bell tied to a post that DuMont used as a bludgeon. “At the door, of course. They will also be cleaned.”

“This is a strange place to be in the middle of such a small town,” Norman said.

“We’re a resort town, actually,” The hostess replied in a chipper tone that made Kharis roll her eyes.

“A what?” DuMont asked.

“It’s a town rich people build so they can pretend to be simple country folk while looking down their noses at them at the same time,” Kharis said in an undertone. The hostess frowned at her.

“How much for two private rooms and the public bath?” Sanoh asked, redirecting the hostess’s attention.

“The public bath is only two copper, and another copper for soap,” The hostess replied, still eyed Kharis while disfavor. “For two private baths, it’s six silver. Soap and towels are provided.”

“Do you provide companionship?” Norman asked.

“Wait until we get to the inn, Norm!” Rupert said. “I don’t want to be in the room with you when you have your fun!”

“Prude,” Norman sniffed.

“We actually own the inn, as well,” The hostess said. “You can book your rooms and companionship here for later, if you’d like.”

“Good, let’s do that,” Norman said.

It took a few minutes for them to iron out all the details while DuMont stood in the back awkwardly. He then waited while his friends were led to their own bathing rooms.

Before he could be taken to the public bath, he asked the hostess, “Could I visit my friends’ room? I’d like to ask their advice privately.”

“Of course,” The hostess said. “Right this way.”

She led him to one of the rooms, in which there was a flowery perfume smell. Steam emanated from under the door.

“They are undressing in the side room,” The hostess said. “You are free to wait for them.”

“Thank you, miss,” He replied. She nodded and excused herself.

DuMont stepped in and lowered his massive body into a squat-sit position, waiting patiently. The door opened after a moment, and to his dismay, a very naked Sanoh walked through. DuMont slapped his hands over his eyes.

“I’m sorry!” He exclaimed. “The hostess must have brought me to the wrong room! I meant to go to the mens’ bath!”

Sanoh laughed. “It’s okay, big guy!” He heard the sound of her slipping into the water. “Feeling a bit lonely? Did you want to bath with the guys?”

“No,” He replied, still covering his eyes. “Well, yes, but no. I wanted to ask their advice about something.”

“Oh?” She said, her voice piqued with interest. “Maybe I can help. What’s the problem?”

“Oh…” DuMont hesitated. “Well… It’s private.”

“It’s about Kharis?” Sanoh hazarded.

“Yes,” He responded.

“Is it about sex?” Sanoh said shrewdly.

“Yes,” He said, almost dropping his hands in surprise. “How did you know?”

“Because Kharis and I talk, sweetie,” She replied. “Look, you can lower your hands. I’m not all that shy, honey; ask Rupert. Besides, if you want to know what a woman wants during sex, you shouldn’t ask a man. Why don’t you get in and sit with me and we can talk. Kharis is getting a drink, so she’ll be a few minutes.”

DuMont slowly lowered his hands and was relieved to see that Sanoh had sunk beneath the bath, which seemed to have a cloudy, pleasant smelling mixture in it that obscured most of her body. He carefully stood up and climbed into the bath, raising the level of the water by at least a foot. He took great care not to crowd her, looking much like an oversized dog crouching in a box too small for him.

“Alright, so what’s the issue?” She asked.

“Kharis wants me to be more aggressive,” DuMont said, hanging his head. “But I’m worried that I might hurt her.”

“I see,” Sanoh said, leaning forward a little. “I mean, I like a little bit of pain during sex, but I imagine it would be difficult for you, considering your size and strength.”

“That’s what worries me,” He replied anxiously.

“Well, there are plenty of ways of being assertive without hurting anyone,” Sanoh replied. “What about just ripping her clothes off the next time you feel frisky? Ooh, with your teeth! That would be hot.”

“But wouldn’t I make her mad if I ruin her clothes?” DuMont asked, cocking his head.

Sanoh shook her head. “Trust me, do it right, and she’ll be putty in your hands. Besides, we’re flush with cash right now. Kharis can buy new clothes. Kharis is also a little bit of an exhibitionist, so she’d probably like some public sex.”

DuMont balked at this idea. “That’s indecent! And also illegal, as far as I know!”

“I don’t mean do it out in the open! Although, knowing Kharis, she would probably love that,” Sanoh muttered thoughtfully. “No, no, somewhere public adjacent, like a rooftop or just beyond a tree line, somewhere you have the potential to be caught.”

DuMont frowned uncertainly. “Alright. What else could I do?”

“You could snarl at her when the two of you are getting in the mood. Some women really love that primal, feral energy. Love bites could be good, too. I do love it when Rupert puts his teeth to my scales.”

“But…” DuMont ran a finger over his exposed fangs. “I don’t know if I could do that. What if I actually bit her?”

“Drawing a little bit of blood might be alright, just don’t go very deep.”

DuMont grimaced uncertainly, but didn’t say anything.

“Honestly, honey, I think you’re really overthinking things. You’re just a big sweetie pie! I don’t think you could hurt Kharis, even if you tried to.”

“That’s patently incorrect,” DuMont protested.

“Just try it, big guy,” Sanoh insisted. “It’s called experimenting for a reason. If it doesn’t work out, then you don’t have to do it again.”

“I suppose,” DuMont replied slowly.

“Either way, Kharis should be here soon, and you should go take your bath. First rule of being a freelance mercenary: never let something you paid money for go to waste.”

With some difficulty, he climbed out of Sanoh’s bath and headed back for the public bath. It was fairly large; he was able to stretch out, still clothed, and soak his whole body with relative ease. He swam around the bath a little, using the soap Kharis had bought for him to wash his body and clothes.

In the warm water, he mulled over the suggestions Sanoh had given him. Feral, huh? Like… maybe hunting? The only time he really let loose is when he was hunting, though his intent was usually to kill. Perhaps he could modify it and turn it into a game? Would Kharis like that? He could try it.

After only ten minutes, he rinsed himself and got out of the bath, sloshing water all over the floor and walked dripping back out into the foyer, the hostess glaring at him as he exited the bathhouse. Should he try now? It certainly would be unexpected. He wanted to be more spontaneous, like Kharis suggested, and take her by surprise. She might like that.

Hide. He needed to hide. There was a grove of trees near the bathhouse, an orchard likely belonging to the inn. The trees weren’t especially dense, but the sun was setting and it would be easy enough to hide in the dark.

It was over an hour before Kharis came out of the bathhouse. She was alone, thankfully, and looking around with concern, likely for him. It was understandable; DuMont usually stuck close to Kharis in unfamiliar places.

“DuMont?” She called. “Where’d you go?”

DuMont purposefully snapped a twig, catching Kharis’s attention. She spun around and looked into the orchard, squinting, and moved away from the lantern light.

“Is that you?” She asked as she walked forward.

DuMont let a low, quiet, guttural snarl issue from his throat, shifting his weight carefully. Kharis’s brow furrowed and she laid a hand on the hilt of her short sword. DuMont moved forward slowly, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. He had to admit, this was kind of fun.

“Show yourself!” She said. “I’m armed!”

DuMont snarled again, a little louder this time. Kharis started backing away, beginning to draw her weapon.

Now.

DuMont rushed out of the shadows of the orchard, snatching Kharis by the waist and throwing her over his shoulder, making her squeak in surprise, and began to scale the tall bathhouse building, digging his claws into the stone.

“DuMont!” She shrieked, smacking his shoulder. “What are you doing?”

DuMont didn’t answer, just continued to climb the wall up toward the roof. As he pulled himself up, he dropped her unceremoniously, pulling rope from his waist pack. Kharis watched in confusion as he tied her hands up, behind, and down to her legs.

“DuMont, what are you doing?” She asked, a slight smile on her face.

“Taking your advice,” He replied, a deep growl to his words.

Her eyebrows raised, intrigued. “Well, I’m glad, but how are you going to get my clothes off if I’m tied up like this?”

He took hold of her tunic with his hands and ripped it open down the front, exposing her breasts to the air. Her skin smelled of the rose and cardamom soap she had used.

“Oh,” Kharis said. “Well, then.”

He put her on the ground and sniffed down her body, growling low like an animal stalking prey. She bit her lip and squirmed a little. DuMont pressed his nose in between her legs and took a deep breath before taking the fabric in his teeth and ripping it, tearing a ragged hole

“Oh, fuck,” He rasped. “That’s so fucking hot.”

His tongue came out and licked a large swipe up and down, and she strained against the ropes, squealing. She was swollen and pulsing against his tongue, and he could tell she was enjoying herself.

With one hand, he picked her up and carried her to the ledge, where there was a large decorative gargoyle looking down over the courtyard. He placed her face down on top of it, so that she could see the courtyard. The way the light was directed by the lanterns, she could see down, but people couldn’t see her. Probably.

Holding her down with his hand, he plunged his tongue inside her and contracted it over and over, in and out, up and down. She moaned loudly, and DuMont answered with a snarl. The entire lower half of her body was inside his jaws, and while he knew he wouldn’t hurt her, he had to admit that the hint of danger was thrilling.

Her hips moved in time with his strokes until she lay her face down against the stone and just whimpered in pleasure. Before she could recover, he withdrew his jaws and lined himself up with her entrance, thrusting in hard.

She howled, making as much noise as she could, reveling in the feeling of him inside of her and the idea of being overheard by anyone down below. She’d always loved the idea of being almost caught.

She began to quiet down to a faint whimpering, and the interior of her body flexed and contracted as she climaxed around his cock. He slowed to let her draw out the orgasm, and then sped up again, thrusting so hard that her body rocked to and fro on the back of the gargoyle. He pulled out, flipped her onto her back, and pulled her up against him, holding her in the air and pumping into her, moving her on him, using her body as she told him to. He granted her, it did feel amazing.

Her head was thrust back and she grunted with her teeth clenched, her eyes closed. Her face was flushed, a vein bulging in her neck, and she was sweating all down her body.

“Are you--” He began, but she opened her eyes and snarled, “Don’t you fucking dare ask if I’m okay,” and he shut his mouth.

He thrust and thrust vigorously, with more force than he normally used, until her body went completely stiff and she was gasping for air, then went limp in his arms. He slowed his movement to a crawl, giving her a moment to recover, before driving himself back in again, full-speed, not giving her a chance to regain speech. She strained against her restraints, not as though she wanted to be free of them, but in a manner that suggested she was trying to contract and stretch with pleasure, the muscles in her stomach and legs rigid and hard. Her face was red with exertion and sweat poured off her body.

“Cum,” She grunted at him. “Cum for me. Do it.”

He snapped his hips against hers faster still, the rise of ecstasy building in him quickly, and he roared as he released inside her. He had to be careful not to drop her as he felt himself pop finally, gushing and shooting into her. As such, he did manage to lay her down before collapsing. As exhausted as he was, he used his claws to snap the ropes free and let her body completely relax under him.

“Is that what you wanted?” He asked breathlessly.

“Shush,” She replied faintly. “Let me bask in the afterfuck.”

They lay there together on the cool bricks of the roof, the evening air blowing lazily over their flushed, overheated skin.

Eventually, Kharis pushed on DuMont’s shoulder and he rolled off and lay next to her. She sighed contentedly.

“Yes, to answer your question,” She said. “That was undoubtedly the best lay I have ever had in my life. I didn’t think you had that in you, but I’m pleasantly surprised.”

“I wasn’t too rough?” He asked.

“No, not at all,” She said. “It was perfect. Just what I needed.” She rolled on her side and looked up at him. “You weren’t uncomfortable with doing it, were you?”

“No,” He replied. “I was uncertain I was doing what you wanted and worried I was hurting you. Did I?”

She shook her head. “I think if you had gone any harder than you did, you might’ve, but it was great.”

“Good,” He said, satisfied. “The hunting and stalking part was really fun, I enjoyed that very much.”

She laughed. “You startled me, certainly, but it was fun. Next time we’re camping in the woods, we should have ourselves a nice game of hide and seek.”

“I would like that,” He said.

“Well,” She said, hopping to her feet. “I’m starting to get cold, and my clothes are…” She looked over at the shreds of her tunic and trousers. “Well, unwearable. Can you give me a lift down to the ground?”

“But you’re naked.”

She shrugged. “I’ve got spares in my bag downstairs.”

“But you’re naked.”

She snorted. “It’s not the first time I’ve walked nude through an inn before and it likely won’t be the last. Just get me down.”

He obliged, lifting her onto his back and scaling back down the wall. Kharis drew a lot of stares as she made her way through the common area of the inn. Like normal, DuMont was too large to get into the inn, but he watched Kharis from the door to make sure she didn’t run into trouble.

Norman, Sanoh, and Rupert were sitting and drinking, staring at Kharis as she strode through the room, though Sanoh caught sight of DuMont at the door and smirked, winking at him.

If he ever needed advice in the future, he definitely knew who to ask.

Since my work is no longer searchable, please do me a favor and reblog this story if you enjoyed it. Help me reach a wider audience!To help me continue creating, please consider buying me a Kofi, becoming a Patron, or donating directly to my PayPal!

Thanks for reading!

My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Cry Me A River.

anonymous  asked:

Prompt: Cry me a river, I cried a river over you.

Part TWO:

In the days following their first meeting, Claire did as Jamie had suggested and began reading her uncle’s memoirs the moment he emailed them to her.

One box of tissues hadn’t been enough.

Neither had two.

The bin beside her bed had been emptied a few times by the maid who supposedly was only employed to clean once a week but seemed to be there every day. She would (unobtrusively) appear in Claire’s room. Remove the overflowing bin and return it empty - a task she was certainly capable of herself but had no energy to point out.

As predicted, the draft was funny, sad, motivating and humbling all at the same time. She could pick out Lamb's voice in an instant and it made her sob harder to think that she’d missed these precious moments. There were embarrassing stories written about her, but she found that she didn’t mind them. This was for Lamb, by Lamb and she knew everything he’d passed on to Jamie was something interesting and vibrant, something suitable to be shared. Her past was suddenly coming back to life before her eyes, an easier time (though she hadn’t realised it). Free of the restraints of her family name and the ridiculous entitlement that had gone with it. The words seemed to lift off the page and in an instant she was back in a dusty tent, the taste of her first cigarette still coating her tongue as she coughed and laughed with some of the younger members of the group.

It had been a flurry of thought, her mind alive with images she’d forgotten long ago, an emotional rollercoaster that excited her and punched her in the gut all at the same time. When she reached the end, Claire had returned to the beginning and started again. She read deeper into each and every word, hooked on the sentences as they took her from his early life - a life before her own had even started - through to nearly the very end, until Jamie’s voice became larger than Lamb's as he took the reins of the story.

As the day of the funeral dawned, Claire had yet to even leave the confines of her appointed room. Cleverly, food had been left on a tray outside her door at mealtimes and she had not been disturbed by anyone in the house for anything. There were calls, of course, from the family solicitor and the funeral director to arrange the final details but he had sorted the newspaper announcements in a number of different ways to ensure that colleagues far and wide knew of poor Quentin’s departure.

She had even written the eulogy - but, without thinking, she had incorporated and rewritten some of her favourite adventures from the book. It seemed fitting to use his own words, to add a little of Lamb into his own funeral.

Though without Jamie’s support, she knew she couldn’t use it.

Terror gripped her at the mere thought of asking for permission. Having been absent -her own choice- when she should have been a more conscientious niece, Claire felt unworthy of using the words Jamie had so very carefully hashed out with Lamb during their long days together. Part of her thought *maybe* he should be reading the speech that sent him off to his final resting place. After all, it was him that had seen him the last important years of his life.

She could tell, though, that there was no way he would accept that. Something about his demeanor the day he’d picked her up, unannounced, at the train station told her much of his character. He was selfless, that she could guess. Willing to go above and beyond for the people he cared for - and she suspected he held Lamb in such high acclaim that he’d personally seen to it that she was provided for in every way from the second she arrived as her uncle would have wanted (despite her previous lack of attention).  

Staring at her unpacked suitcase, the remnants of her search for a decent funeral outfit still splayed half across the floor of the small room, she sighed and turned to face her closed laptop once more. The temptation to open it up and re-read the manuscript again was growing by the minute though she knew she didn’t have the time.

“Claire?” A knock on the door brought her out of her longing and she threw the half crumpled summer dress (why she’d packed that, she’d never know) onto the bed with a pile of other rejected outfits.

“Yes? Is the car here?” She questioned, looking at her watch to confirm that it was indeed still too early and that she still had time.

“Nay, not yet. I just wanted to make sure ye were alright. Mary said ye didna eat the breakfast she prepared for ye this morning and I was a wee bit worrit.”

Pulling the ties of her dressing gown closer around her chest, she pulled the door open wide enough for him to see that she wasn’t half starved and languishing on the floor. For the first time in a while an honest smile graced her lips and Jamie’s forehead evened out and the weight of worry fell from his shoulders. “I don’t want her to think I’m not grateful...it’s just that I'm not really that hungry this morning, sorry.”

“Did ye read it?” He asked, changing tac as he pointed to her computer where it sat, positioned haphazardly on the bedside table. He seemed intrigued and the rise of his question gave her the perfect opening.

“I did. It’s...magnificent. So powerful, and funny too. I forgot how much he used to make me laugh.” Her face lit up as she spoke, the deep lines on her brow easing as she sat on the bed causing Jamie to have to cross the invisible line into her room for the first time since she’d arrived. “Honestly, I can’t imagine it not being snapped up - at least by his former colleagues and friends - the moment it hits the press.”

The smile that made Jamie’s face beam from ear to ear made Claire’s heart swell. Genuinely worried about her response, he was obviously pleased that she’d found it acceptable.

“I have a question to ask, if it’s alright with you?” She continued, his relaxed demeanour bolstering her.

“Aye, ask away.”

“I’ve written my speech, the eulogy. Reading through his biography gave me a myriad of ideas, it reminded me of how much light and energy he brought to the world...but I used it to help me in writing my account of him. I’ve tried to put my own memories into my own words, though I’d like to use some of his own -some direct quotes from the manuscript…”

“Can you hold on for a moment, please?” He asked, holding his hand up and then rushing from the room.

Holding her hands together in her lap, she waited, her heart beating double time as she tried to quell the rising panic. If he said no, she’d understand but she would have some quick thinking to do.

She had nothing to worry about as Jamie returned in a flash, a piece of paper clutched carefully between his fingers. “Here,” he said, passing it over, “read this. I think it would be perfect to add to what you’ve already written. It was something we spoke about in passing the last few days and I wrote it down, just on the off chance that it would fit somewhere. No’ knowing, of course, that it might be the last thing we spoke about in reference to the book.”

Happiness fled from his eyes for a second as the sobering reality of what they were about to do set in before he shook the sombre feeling from his bones and placed his hands back carefully in his freshly steamed trousers.

“Oh, Jamie,” she sobbed, the new tears blurring the words as she held the paper away so that they didn’t ruin the script, “it’s perfect...but I think you should read this. You heard his voice, you’ve written what he told you so beautifully that I think he would want it to be you who voiced this in church.”

Grinning as he shook his head in disbelief, he took the proffered notepad back from Claire and placed it in his jacket pocket. “Are ye sure?”

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“Ye should wear this,” he returned, changing the conversation once more as he plucked a clean lined black dress from the unsullied pile on the case. “Ye’ve still got the blazer he had made for you, the one wi’ the tools embroidered on the pockets and down the collar?” He asked, reminding her of a later section of the book, one where he had detailed Claire’s Masters graduation gift in detail including the story of the seamstress who’d adorned the pesky fabric and pinned herself that many times she’d scored the prints off her fingers by the end.

“Yes,” replying through the rapidly falling tears, she pointed to the door where the aforementioned article was hanging neatly on the back. “I still have it.”

“Aye. The dress wi’ that. You’ll look stunning, Claire.”

--

The service went out without a hitch; the church was packed, people having travelled halfway across the globe to share this arduous time with both Claire and Jamie. She’d spoken at length, far surpassing the one sided sheet of paper she had originally intended to stick to, the words falling from her freely. She felt stronger than she had on entering, her eyes glazed and large as she took in the sheer size of the audience, but once she had started, she found it difficult to stop.

Jamie did his part spectacularly, having almost the entire visiting congregation in hysterics. Just as Claire had predicted.

It made the wake a more relaxed affair and she stayed in amongst a group of Lambs oldest friends for the most part, laughing and reminiscing with them about everything she’d been taught by them and Lamb.

Seeing the light hearted nature of the conversation, Jamie watched from afar, talking to people here and there about the anecdotes he had shared during the funeral. She’d been quiet, of course, barely making a sound in the house since her arrival and he’d been cautiously optimistic about her opening up to him sometime soon. The aura of sadness she carried with her had distanced itself, the invisible black cloud dissipating with every breath she took of Scottish air and although she was still a mostly closed book, a small part of him wanted to entice her to stay and heal in Glasgow, on neutral ground, rather than return to Oxford straight away.

“I think that’s the last, Jamie.” Breaking the silence, he looked up to see the empty living room, a few plates strewn around with various elements of discarded food in the absence of life which had once preceded it but no more mourners.

“We should…”

“How about we leave it, just until tomorrow,” she interjected, sliding the last of the food waste into an open black bag, “I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.”

“Aye,” succumbing to the extreme fatigue that covered him from head to toe, he grabbed a tumblr and held it aloft, “agreed. How about a wee dram and a private toast?”

“Perfect.”

“To Quentin.” The commencement began with him passing Claire a double whack of whisky before clinking his glass with her own. “A man of honour…”

“...and grace…”

“...with passion and love in his heart.”

“Long may he rest in peace.” Claire finished, slugging back the spirit and closing her dry eyes. She’d finally cried herself out, and though she felt the familiar tinge of sadness building in her chest, she managed to feel somewhat at peace herself at long last.

[rkjinwook]

• • •  STARTING LIVE!

       02AUG2020  |   🐥 JINWOOK’S HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🥳 🥳        DURATION   |   1:02:22

it’s a cute set, albeit typical for this kind of broadcast. the staff have provided jinwook with a fixed camera framing his mini birthday table, complete with multicolored balloons decorating the back wall. there’s a small tablet to monitor the stream and comment feed, which jinwook fiddles with as he waits. in retrospect, he thinks it would’ve been nicer to hold a more casual conversation with fans for his first solo live, but that might just be the nerves talking.

he fills the silence with music, his guitar in his lap. it’s an everyday sight, but jinwook realizes most fans won’t have heard him play much, so he takes care to warm up cleanly, and warm up his vocals too. he only alternates between a few simple chords, though. it’s the sort of background music he used to hear when he’d occasionally attend church services with eve. as jinwook plays he imagines an audience quietly filing in, taking their seats at his birthday party as they each receive the live notification. finally the staff motions for jinwook that the actual video is starting, and he rests the instrument in his lap, out of view for now.

“hello! i’m convex’s sunshine, jinwook.” the greeting is bright and familiar as he dips his head toward the camera. it’s unlikely that the viewers, who arrived so early from a notification, don’t know his name, but it can’t hurt to start off formally. “today is my birthday! yay!!” also evident from the title and the backdrop. jinwook gives himself a round of applause anyway. then he picks up a party hat from the table and slips the cone over his head. “tada~” 

“since we can’t meet in person, i wanted to greet you all with a live today to celebrate.” there’s a pause as jinwook adjusts the thin elastic of the party hat. he takes a breath. “last year, hmm...” he taps a finger to his cheek as he thinks back. “oh, last year i made cupcakes! i was helping our team sphere on the mgas.. so i couldn’t meet consta that time, either.” jinwook hums in thought, suddenly a bit nostalgic about his time as a coach. he shakes his head. “so i’m excited to try this out now.”

“let’s see...” he says, quickly moving on, “is everyone settling in here alright?” he peers over the tablet and rests a finger over the chat to pause its scrolling speed. the amount of viewers is staggering and the number only keeps rising, but jinwook focuses on the individual users sending messages instead. it’s a relief to see the majority in his native language. “hello and hello and hello,” he says, reading off a string of usernames and greeting each one individually, “and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming~!”

when jinwook releases his finger from the screen, the chat jumps back to life, shifting too quickly to read. he frowns and tries to pause it again. it takes some concentration to read off the unusual username combinations, but he does his best.

💬  :  happy bday 🥳 🥳 🥳 💬  :  you look handsome!!! 💬  :  happy birthday oppa~ 💬  :  thank you for being born 💖🎁🎁 💬  :  bare faced jinwook is the best!

“ah, thank you~ hello!! thank you too~ thank you for being by my side! oh! this one...” jinwook is startled into a laugh at the last comment, bringing a hand over his mouth. when he drops his hand he shows his full face to the camera, grinning. “this is definitely not bare faced jinwook, but, still i appreciate you thinking so~”

as he tries to keep reading, he tilts his head and squints. many of the messages are just full of celebrating emoji or animated emotes. it’s less to parse, but more noise to sort through. “ah, so much emoji in chat, you all must’ve learned from me, huh...” he muses.

after another minute he leans back again, his nerves settled. well, jinwook’s never had much trouble even talking to himself, so it shouldn’t surprise him that speaking to a bustling chat window comes naturally, too.

💬  :  did you have a good day so far?

“i’m happy today!” jinwook answers confidently. “my grandmother always wakes up early on sunday mornings, so i called her on the way to practice! and later tonight i’m going to video call with my family. actually i told my sister what time i was going live, so she might be listening too?” jinwook squints back down at the tablet and bites his lower lip. “ah, the chat is going way too fast to tell...”

💬  :  where are the other members!!

“hmm, training?” jinwook grins. “i’m taking a break to talk for right now~ but we are all working very hard otherwise!” he shares another smile, proud of himself for not mentioning anything further - although if his eyes sparkle, he can’t be held responsible. “they might stop by at the end!”

“that reminds me!” jinwook reaches below the table for his bag, pulling out a fresh journal that jaehyun had gifted him in the morning. he holds it up for the camera, proudly showing off the nice foil accents and the fold-out attachment. “my roommate, haru, got me this really pretty notebook. it’s supposed to work as a real midi keyboard.” jinwook’s runs his fingers over the cover. “he has good timing since i am almost out of pages in my old notebook... i’m excited to use it.”

💬  :  oppa’s hair is cool today!

“my hair, ah..” jinwook reaches absently to touch it, pleased. “it grew!” it’s worn longer than it was for pretty u era, freshly dyed and parted down the middle. he’s lucky he’s even allowed to have it showing for the live right now, since it’s a similar shade to his old cut. “i’m kind of happy, since it feels healthy recently...” he chuckles a little, the compliment leading him to another train of thought.

“speaking of cool, consta, did you guys see our call me baby special stage last week?” jinwook looks up to the camera and leans in, curious. “the concept was slightly darker for us, since unit black is so, you know... cool.” jinwook gestures vaguely but laughs at the understatement. it’s not a big enough word to describe some of the biggest superstars in the industry. “we have songs like rock but it’s different from convex‘s usual image, maybe,” he adds thoughtfully, knowing full well that their next comeback is inching in that direction. “do you think we suited it well?”

💬  :  convex is cool too!

jinwook nods, pleased by the positive responses in the chat. “so it was okay, then?” he laughs a little because of course, they’re all biased fans and he asked for it on his birthday, but it’s still reaffirming. “mmm, it still felt a bit refreshing and funky like convex, too. so i think there can be a middle ground,” he says, as if simply imagining how things could evolve in the future. “something smooth like that stage?”

something smooth. jinwook’s thinking of crazy in love, specifically, but the title song itself is an even bigger departure from their pretty u sound and aesthetic. “ah..” he shakes his head with a sheepish grin, “i think i’m rambling a lot.” jinwook takes a dramatic deep breath and collects his thoughts.

then he shifts away from the tablet to pull up the guitar in his lap. “i wanted to answer a lot of messages, but i actually prepared a song for you, too.” he strums a bright chord for emphasis. “it’s nothing fancy but i thought consta would maybe enjoy something like this. so i don’t have to sing happy birthday to myself, or anything,” he jokes.

🎵  :  heartz / minhee&luda — i’ll be there

“this is one of my favorite songs recently! i thought it would be nice for our fans, too.” it’d been an easy choice when jinwook was preparing for this stream. it’s a recent sphere release, plus he’s been listening to and singing the song since it came out, so he already knew most of the words. still, jinwook pulls up the lyrics on the tablet just in case. since he frames it as a fan song, there’s no need to change the gendered parts, although he doesn’t think he would have bothered, either way. 

jinwook only slows the tempo and lowers the key slightly to fit his guitar and his voice. the song has a different energy with an acoustic guitar instead of the bouncy synths, but it’s just as sweet and upbeat. he takes his time, singing all the way through both verses and two choruses. 

just before the bridge, jinwook trails off with a little smile. “ah, i just practiced up until here so far...” he keeps strumming idly as he leans over the tablet again. the comments flood with cheers that jinwook only can read some pieces of. it feels good, though, and jinwook feels confident about the vibe.

he watches several prying questions about heartz fly by in response, and carefully doesn’t acknowledge any of them. “of course i’ve been cheering for heartz,” is all he says. “i really liked around you and vivid also! and i’m excited for the next singles released this week, too.”

💬  :  please a convex song next!!

“oh,” he says, “a convex song?” jinwook takes a break, first, to roll out his wrists. then he hums in thought, searching for something he could play on the spot. “do you remember this one?”

🎵  :  convex — 20

he transitions into a familiar guitar intro. long-time fans might recognize it as the vocal unit song from convex’s debut album, but jinwook is pleased to introduce it to anyone else who’s unfamiliar. personally, he thinks it has held up pretty well over the past two years. “shh—” he mimics the sharp first line, then smiles as he continues strumming and begins to sing.

the song proves difficult to solo, and jinwook wishes he’d thought to prepare more material ahead of time. a medley could’ve been nice, but with all of the comeback preparations going on..... instead jinwook giggles as he trips over the lyrics, attempting the first verse’s backing and lead vocals both together. “hm..” he mumbles, glancing up at the camera. he casually redoes the section to make a decent recovery, and the chorus soars as intended. 

“ah...” says jinwook wistfully after he eases to a stop, “i’ll have to come back to that one someday. that one is nice to sing to consta, too. i always liked the lyrics a lot. you’re my twenties~”

he taps his fingers against the body of the guitar and is reminded of the special day. “but today my twenties are officially half-over, aren’t they? wah... scary....”

twenty-five. he stares blankly toward the tablet, thinking he should follow up: then i’ll just spend the second half of my twenties with consta!

these days, though, it feels like an unfair promise to make.

💬  :  like a gorilla like a gorilla!

his eye catches on one of the suggestions breezing down the chat window, and it interrupts his brooding with a burst of laughter. “gorilla? de:code’s gorilla?” he repeats. he tries a few chords but they’re not in the right key, and jinwook grins as he puts away his guitar on its stand. “i don’t know, that one would be an interesting acoustic cover.” he sings a little phrase of it anyway, a random adlib from the ending: “girl you make me feel~!”

“but!” he points a finger at the camera, not wanting his opinions to be twisted. “maybe one day i could cover their song beautiful, or i’m fine from predebut!”

💬  :  what are you listening to recently?

“hmm... what is new?” jinwook absently adjusts his elastic party hat elastic and pulls out his phone. “i like lee hi’s holo! per_se have a nice summer album.. with o sole mio, and of course...” jinwook hits a pretty falsetto as he opens the music app: “this is how i feel about you, twilight~”

“it’s like twilight, yeah~” he flicks through his playlist and wonders if he should just share screenshots of the whole thing on fancafe. “ah, and eclipse’s comeback!” he adds. “look, isn’t the album cover pretty?” his screen is probably illegible, when he holds it up close to show the camera, but at least his enthusiasm is clear. “i like their night side the best, with that unique rock sound...” jinwook pauses, and reconsiders. “actually, navillera was totally my style, too.” he shakes his head and grins. “eclipse is definitely cool no matter what.”

💬  :  it is already 4 in the morning here why 😭

english. jinwook has glazed over every message in foreign languages but he laughs at this one. he trips over a stilted reading of the comment, and quickly switches back to korean to answer. “i’m sorry ahh, next time i have to think of different timezones, right?” he tilts his head. “mm, it seems impossible to find a good time for everyone all around the world? but i’m happy you could visit with me for even a little bit. please make sure to rest well~” as an afterthought, he finishes in english: “and goodnight~”

💬  :  can you show a rap verse? 

“rapping?” jinwook’s eyes light up at the suggestion, and he laughs out loud. “can i tell a secret?” it’s not the right question to ask, judging by the staff’s reaction. but jinwook leans in sneakily, and continues despite their concerned looks. “we tried to switch parts for adore u once, so i learned seungcheol’s rap! that choi seungcheol,” he says with a grin, “has pretty good expressions on stage these days... his parts are fun! i like practicing his pretty u verse, too.”

he tells the story casually, although that part switch was not just boredom in the practice rooms, but an official planned anniversary release. that weekend in incheon is still a fond memory despite the disappointment of never getting to see the final edit.

he rolls his shoulders. “anyway, i don’t have the nice low voice for it, but there is a little melody to his parts a lot of the time...” jinwook postures up for full effect and puts on his best rapper expression. “how can you dazzle so much? you’re so pretty it’s—”

it’s probably for the best that he is interrupted by a loud knock and a rowdy chorus of happy birthday starting right outside the door.

➡️  :  continued in part two...

[three-houses-text-files]

byleth/mercedes

c-s support + paired ending + night of the ball

c

Mercedes: Good evening, Professor. Returning from work, I take it?

>That's right.

M: I commend you for working so late into the evening. All of my days at the academy are enriching, thanks to you.

>I'm still working.

M: My goodness! It's so late in the evening. That must be exhausting.

M: Try not to overtax yourself, all right? I'm concerned for your health. We wouldn't want you to wear yourself out. M: The goddess won't smite you if you rely on others for help, you know.

>Even so...

M: Listen here, Professor. You might not like what I'm about to say. M: To be perfectly honest, I had my doubts when I first met you.

>That's surprising.

>Why's that?

M: I don't want you to think less of me for saying this, but here we are. M: At first I thought you seemed too young to be a professor. It is unusual, you have to admit. M: Yet, you seemed very composed and mature, despite your age. M: You're strong-willed, encouraging, and you go to great lengths to ensure that everyone is cared for. M: But it almost feels like you're trying too hard to be a perfect role model for your students.

>I'm not trying too hard.

>It comes with the territory.

M: If that's how you feel, then I can't disagree. But I think it's necessary to give yourself a break every now and again. M: The mind has a tendency to make mistakes when you've exhausted yourself. M: In my case, I still seem to make mistakes even when I'm wide awake.

>Mistakes?

M: Oh, you know. I'm always mixing up the dates for drills or misplacing things. M: Just the other day, I forgot to put on my uniform and headed out to practice wearing only my— M: Oh, um. Well, you can imagine how embarrassed I was. My mind can be so scattered sometimes. M: Anyway... Where was I? Ah, that's right. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't push yourself too hard. M: If you do, you might end up in a pretty bad place. M: That reminds me! Is there anything I can do to assist you, Professor? M: If it's all right with you, I'd like to help in any way I can.

>Thanks, I appreciate it.

M: Whatever you need, just say the word.

>I'm not sure about that.

M: It'll be fine! I might be clumsy, but I'll get better over time.

M: I look forward to helping you out.

——————————————————————————————

b

NPC: You there, youngster. Won't you listen to this old man's troubles? NPC: I was born and raised right here in this town. I spent my whole life here. NPC: My daughter lives in the Empire, and she sent me a letter to ask if I was keeping up with my daily worship.

>...

M: Well, hello there, Professor. Is this a friend of yours?

>I don't know him.

M: Is that so? I was sure you two knew each other. M: Is there something we can do for you, good sir? NPC: Oh, what a lovely young lady! I was just telling this kind soul a story. M: Really? What's troubling you? NPC: Well, I was thinking of going to daily prayer, but my leg's been acting up and I can't walk properly. M: How terrible! That's no good at all. May I be of assistance? M: I'd be happy to lend a shoulder and escort you to the chapel. NPC: Would you? Oh, I'd be most grateful to you. Thank the goddess for sending this young lady to me today! M: We'll need your help too, Professor. Here, sir, take my arm. M: Splendid work, Professor. He really seemed to appreciate our assistance.

>We did a good deed.

M: I don't think I did anything particularly deserving of praise. I'm just happy that I could help.

>You helped me out too.

M: You did a great job cheering him up on your own!

M: Putting a smile on someone's face always seems to brighten up the day. M: Is something wrong? You're giving me a strange look.

>How did you know something was bothering him?

M: Oh. Hmm... How should I put this... M: I suppose it's just second nature to me.

>What do you mean?

M: It's difficult to describe, but I can usually tell when someone is worried about something. M: Back there, I could tell that both you and the old man were in distress. M: I spent a good amount of my life living in the church. Maybe that's why I'm so good at identifying these things?

>Living in the church?

>That's news to me.

M: Did I not mention that before? M: I spent nearly 10 years of my life in the church of Faerghus. M: Many came to us with their troubles. M: In my own time of need, I once ran to the church myself, and they helped me. M: May I share something with you, Professor? It's about a dream of mine.

>What is your dream?

M: I'd like to work in the church one day. I want to be like the priest who helped me. M: Never mind. It's not a very realistic dream. Please, forget I said anything. M: If I were someone else, perhaps a commoner without a Crest or stature, maybe things would be different. M: It's a bit sad, but...this is the way things have to be. M: After all, only the goddess can decide our fates.

——————————————————————————————

a

M: Do you have a moment, Professor? I need to speak with you. M: Thank you so much. This is what I wanted to address... M: This letter from my adoptive father just arrived.

>Adoptive father?

M: Oh! Have I not mentioned him? He's the reason I first came to the Officers Academy. M: He's also the one who dragged me from the church where I was living just so he could use my Crest.

>I don't understand...

M: My Crest does not yet belong to a house, so he plans to use it as leverage to marry into the nobility. M: He's a very greedy man who was a roving merchant before adopting me, but now he's in the capital. M: This letter says that he's finally arranged to marry me off to a wealthy noble. M: I know he's just thinking of himself, but can't he see that this isn't a priority when we're at war?

>My thoughts exactly.

>Maybe the war has pushed him to this?

M: I suppose it's possible. He may be worried about carrying on his bloodline, but... M: Ugh! I don't know what to do about this proposal!

>Will you accept?

M: I can't see any way around it, so I fear that I must... M: I just don't want to let go of the life that I've made for myself. M: I know it's not what my heart wants, but I don't have the strength to say no.

>What does your heart want?

M: I believe I've mentioned this before, but I want to work in service of the church. M: Well, I suppose it doesn't necessarily have to be the church, but I want to help those in need. M: If I were to marry a noble, I think it would be difficult to realize that dream...

>Why can't you decline?

M: It's just... I've always allowed myself to follow the whims of those above me. M: I convinced myself that everything in life was at the will of the goddess. I was blind to reality. M: I believed it was her will to both pull me from the church and guide me to the Officers Academy. M: The decision to enter this war was the first time I acted of my own free will. M: My adoptive father opposed this decision, but I somehow managed to convince him. M: Still, I couldn't free myself of him completely. This letter is proof of that. M: It's not that I'm scared of him, but there is something that worries me...

>Severing your ties?

M: Ah! I knew you'd understand, Professor. M: I've sat down to write a reply several times, but I can't muster up the courage, or the words. M: I was hoping you could provide me with the encouragement I need!

>Why reply at all?

M: If I don't, he'll go ahead with the arrangement!

M: I suppose I must aim toward cutting him out of my life completely...

>You can't just give up on your dreams.

M: That's a very good point! We're only given one life, so we must do all we can to pursue our happiness!

M: OK! I think that may have been just the push I was looking for! M: I'll tell him the truth. That I've found a life worth pursuing and I must decline the proposal! M: Maybe I should tell him I've fallen for someone else?

>Fallen for someone else?

>Who might that be?

M: Why, it's you, Professor! Isn't that obvious?

>Excuse me?

>I wouldn't say "obvious"...

M: I'm just teasing! M: Now, I'm off to write this letter and stand my ground. Thank you for your encouragement!

——————————————————————————————

s

M: There you are! I apologize for the short notice, but I'm so glad you could make it! M: I'm sure you're very busy, being the hero of Fódlan and all.

>Yes, very busy.

M: Then I'm afraid that what I'm about to ask may come at an inopportune time.

>I have some time.

M: What a relief! I have to ask you something, but I'd hate to inconvenience you!

M: Do you mind hearing me out?

>I'll listen.

>I'd be happy to.

M: Ah! Great! Here it is... M: I'm going to Fhirdiad to meet with my adoptive father, and I'd like you to accompany me.

>What for?

>Is it necessary for you to go?

M: I feel the need to set things straight with him in my own way. M: I want proper closure. I'm going to tell him face-to- face that this is farewell. M: I've already decided exactly what I'm going to say. M: I'm choosing to live my life how I want, in pursuit of my own happiness. I need you to accept that. M: I'm in charge of my own destiny. Not you, not anyone else. Just me. M: Ah... I've waited so long to say all that.

>Why do you need me to accompany you?

M: That's a very good question... Where do I start? M: Remember when I teased that I'd fallen for you? M: The truth is...that wasn't entirely in jest. I fell for you some time ago. In fact, I'd very much like to spend my life with you. M: Of course, that's only if you'll have me...

>I had something similar in mind.

M: Oh my goodness!

>I love you, Mercedes. Let's get married.

M: Yes! Let's! You've no idea what this means to me. This may be the happiest I've ever been! M: I'm so glad I could finally express my feelings. Now we can live the rest of our lives together! M: To think, I was able to choose this path of my own volition, and now I get to walk it with you! M: Should one person be allowed this much happiness? M: But still, you're only given one life. Are you sure you want to spend it with me? M: I may be quite demanding at times as I intend on pursuing my dreams. M: I want to help those in need, wherever they may be. And I won't give up on that.

>I'll always support you.

M: I thought that's what you might say! M: Perhaps that's why I fell for you. It's just the way you are. M: All right, let's be off! It's no short journey to Fhirdiad. M: Oh, something to note...

>Yes?

M: You should know that I can be quite scatterbrained. And clumsy... M: But I will do everything in my power to help and support you too, whatever you may need! M: What a wonderful life we will lead together...

——————————————————————————————

paired endings

Byleth announced his/her marriage to Mercedes shortly after becoming leader of the United Kingdom of Fódlan. Mercedes ensured that Fódlan paid special attention, in its rebuilding effort, to folks who had lost jobs and to children who had lost their families due to the war. The couple was said to mingle frequently among the people, working up a sweat right alongside them. They happily spent their lives ushering in a new era.

Byleth announced his/her marriage to Mercedes shortly after being named archbishop of the Church of Seiros. Mercedes took on duties as a cleric and through that work ensured that the church offered special support to children who had lost their families due to the war. The couple was said to mingle frequently among the people, working up a sweat right alongside them. They happily spent their lives ushering in a new era.

Byleth and Mercedes wed in haste, that they might better focus on their battle against those who slither in the dark. The struggle was long and arduous, but their passionate love supported them through it. When at last the fight was done, they moved to a small village in the Faerghus region and started an orphanage. There they took in and raised children who had lost their families in the war, regardless of their blood or circumstances of birth. It is said that Mercedes was never happier than when she was surrounded by smiling children, free of all worry.

——————————————————————————————

night of the ball

M: Why, Professor! I was wondering where you ran off to. M: I searched the entire floor but couldn't find you anywhere. M: Tired, are we? I can tell by that look on your face. It must be exhausting being so popular, huh?

>I'm exhausted...

M: I can imagine. Shall we take a break here, then? M: Say, Professor. Have you heard the legend of the Goddess Tower? M: They say that if two people exchange a vow here, the goddess herself will fulfill it.

>I've never heard that before.

M: Well, that simply won't do. You'll fall behind if you can't keep up with your students!

>I think I recall such a story.

M: Ah, so even you have heard that one. The stories must travel far.

M: Many young couples come here in private, all thanks to that legend. M: They make promises to stay together forever. Things like that. M: I actually saw a man invite a lady to join him at the tower while on my way here.

M: It's rather romantic, don't you think?

>I think so.

M: Indeed.

>I disagree.

M: Really? You're a strange one, Professor.

M: Though, just because two people share a promise, that doesn't guarantee they'll be together forever. M: You've noticed many nobles at the academy, right? They very rarely have the freedom to choose their own partners. M: Yet still they wish to stay together. Maybe that's why they pray to the goddess. M: Are you waiting on anyone, Professor?

>No, there's no one.

M: What a relief. I was afraid that I was keeping you.

>I was waiting for you.

M: Oh my. Even though we didn't make plans to meet? You're a charmer, aren't you?

M: Ah! I almost forgot why I came looking for you! M: I was wondering if you'd like to dance with me. M: It's just so loud in the reception hall though. I think I'd rather stay here with you... M: If that's all right with you, Professor. M: Thank you. I appreciate it.

[newidaho]

13.  Christmas in Hell, pt. 1

Don’t have the time/patience/desire to read with your eyes? Don’t have eyes? Well, have your friend read you this:  You can check out the audiobook for free on Apple, Google, Stitcher, or Spotify.  Subscribe for new episodes every Wednesday!

25 December 2054   ///   0550h

For 54 years I have been present on the annual celebration of the birth of Our First Lord and Savior.  For near on 20 years I have been in charge of illuminating Virtual Life with the Word.   Every 25th of December has left me feeling full of Christ’s love.

Until Now.

This dream.  And, upon waking, the memory of my daughters’ transgressions.  Oh, Lord, it weighs heavy on my soul.  And I feel that to lift this weight, I must retread in the steps of Abraham as he raised the knife to Isaac.  If this be not so, Lord, please send your form of angel as you did on that fateful day at the beginning of our human journey.  And praise be to you now and until the 0800h service.

Papa Fred Garland put down his pen.  He had tried to go over his sermon after writing down his dream, but the events of the previous day kept him from focusing.  He felt there was more to write.  And he felt there was more to do.

Papa G had not talked to Gamma after the Christmas Eve service.  His wife had told him that Gamma had simply said she was leaving and removed her mask.  Papa G did not hold it against this wife for not pursuing his daughter.  She was focused on the word of God—and that was something that Frederick could never begrudge.

Garland told himself the decision not to speak with his daughter was because he didn’t have the words.  When he was honest with himself, he understood that this also carried the additional benefit of adding pressure to the situation.  Gamma knew that consequences were coming—the longer they were put off, the more anxious she would become from the anticipation.

What Garland had failed to realize at the time was that this anticipation was a blade that cut both ways.  He knew he had to provide consequences.  Up until now, however, he did not know what these consequences would be.  After his time of prayer, he finally did.

Garland walked out of his office and down the hall to Gamma’s bedroom.  She would be receiving a 0600h wake-up call.  Garland rapped on the door with authority and waited for her answer.  The door creaked open almost immediately.

‘Good morning, father.  Merry Christmas.’  The anticipation was obvious.  Gamma’s voice was meek and directed at her feet.

‘Good morning, Gamma.  Were you already awake?’

‘I always wake up early on Christmas, father.’

‘Good.  Well, before we begin our Christmas traditions, I would like you to accompany me to the Prayer Room.’

‘Yes, father.  Should I change?’

‘Your pajamas are fine.  Come.  We only have so much time before the eight o’clock service.’

Gamma followed her father down the stairs and across the lounging quarters to the tall, circular prayer room.  Upon entering, she noticed her father had been carrying one Lucid Mask.  He handed this out to her.

Gamma took the mask from her father’s hands.  It was apparent that her father did not intend to wear a mask himself.  He did, however, have on AR Lenses—unusual for him at this time of morning.  She guessed it must be part of her punishment.

‘Before you put this mask on,’ her father said, ‘let me preface what is about to happen.  I feel the best way to preface this includes a dialogue.  I noticed you left the Christmas Eve service early.  Is this correct?’

‘Yes, father.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know if I’m right, yet, so don’t be too mad at me.  But you were being so mean last night, I thought that, if God does exist, maybe you aren’t really speaking for God.  So I didn’t want to listen to you speak for Him.’  She had spent all night thinking about how she would respond to the conflict she had inspired—it was evident in the dry delivery of her words.

Papa Garland resisted the urge to touch his daughter.  Had he said something of this sort to his parents, he would most certainly have been slapped.  Instead he moved on from the dialogue portion of the preface, and into his more happily anticipated monologue:

‘Well, Gamma, the realities of God are unfortunately not for you to decide.  If we allowed everyone on Earth to decide the rules of their own God, we would slip deeper into the chaos that has been spreading like a virus since the beginning of this millennium.’

‘But father, isn’t Bible debate encouraged at FuTech?’

‘I was not finished talking, Gamma.

‘You are correct.  Discussion of the Bible is encouraged.  But no one doubts the word of the church’s authorities in such a way that even approaches the disrespect you have shown for me.  It is not in my place to judge those who walk out of our church as you have done, but my heart cries for the judgement that will be placed on them when their final day comes.

‘But you, my daughter, are not simply a member of the congregation, free to come and go as you please.  No, Gamma, God has entrusted me to raise you in the church, and to make sure that you understand all the lessons the Bible can teach you.  He has blessed you with the opportunity to be present for each of the Virtual Services held in the most popular Virtual Church in the nation.  And to learn and ask questions directly to his faithful disciple who runs the service.  And when you voluntarily leave his service, as you did last night, this transgression speaks volumes greater than those of whom are lost without the beacon you have been born among.

‘Those who so readily give up the influence of God in this way are destined for a long journey into a dark space.  It is out of love for you that I tell you this, for I would never wish upon anyone the journey you have shown interest in taking.  Now, as my daughter, it is with both sadness and duty that I must show you the road that your actions are leading you down.

‘Please put on your mask.’  There was a moment of hesitation, but as strong-willed as she was for her age, Gamma was only 13.  She knew she had to follow her father’s orders.  She put her mask on.

‘Now,’ her father said.  ‘Relax for a moment.’  Papa Garland tapped twice on the side of his Lenses to pull up his home menu.  After navigating through the FuTech menu, typing in passwords at checkpoints along the way, swiping past confidential documents and information, he finally made his way to a menu with a dark red box.  He waved his hand over the box and it opened to reveal one application in the shape of a 16-bit ball of fire—the type you might see in an old Super Mario game around 70 years ago.

From Garland’s point of view, the interface for the application was rather sparse.  The fireball expanded, and inside was one menu option—“Connect”.

Before selecting this option, Papa Garland spoke once more to his daughter.  ‘Gamma, what you are about to experience is a simulation.  It is to be used rarely, if at all, by FuTech reverends.  Very few know if its existence, and after this experience, I ask that you tell no one, lest the secret get out.

‘What you are about to experience is a collaborative effort between the priests and engineers of FuTech.  It is the nearest simulation that we could come up with, through our divinity and study, of Hell.  This, Gamma, is what you can look forward to should you continue to walk down the road you are on.  It pains me to use this punishment on you, but I ask that you remember this is for your own good.  I ask that when you come out the other side, you attempt to be grateful.’

With this, Papa Garland placed his hand over the “Connect” option on the application.  After searching for nearby connections, a ball with Gamma’s image on it appeared floating in the air—her mask had been noted for possible connection.  Papa Garland placed his hand over the sphere, inserted the requested password, and placed his hands firmly on either side of Gamma’s mask.

It wasn’t long before Gamma started to move about, attempting to free herself of the simulation.  It was to be expected—a natural human reaction to the Hell that had been designed by FuTech engineers with the help of Divine Inspiration.

When her father connected her to the simulation, Gamma’s home menu had faded to black.  After a couple seconds, the landscape around her faded in.  She stood on a plain made of dark red metal.  The sun was the only natural body in sight.  All around her were pieces of machinery, ranging from simple to complex, from torturous to productive.  The sun beat down on the metal below her bare feet.  Though she couldn’t literally feel it, she still experienced anxiety that her feet would burn if she stood on the ground much longer.

Of course, Gamma found she couldn’t move.  Her father was holding her to the spot.  Even if he wasn’t, she knew the simulation would not be one to let her explore.  After she got her bearings, Gamma heard a terrifying screeching noise and the machinery began to start up.

It would have been impossible to see everything going on.  It was an environment of overstimulating horror.  Certain machines resembled meat grinders, with human shapes passing between the gears as they ground down the flesh and bone.  Other machines simply scraped metal upon metal in between their gruesome deeds, contributing to the head-splitting symphony.

Gamma’s first reaction was to turn her head away, but she immediately remembered that her father’s hands held her head in place.  Even had she been able to turn, she understood she wouldn’t be able to see anything but what was going on around her.  Instead, she tried closing her eyes.  After one second, bright and painful flashes of light spazzed in front of her closed eyelids and the cacophony grew louder.  Unable to put up with this alternative, Gamma was forced keep her eyes open.

After five minutes that felt like an hour of watching the machines execute their gruesome tasks, a line of adolescent boys and girls walked in front of Gamma’s field of vision.  She was about 20 feet from them.  The line stretched out to either side of her periphery, containing about 30 humans in all.  

Gamma felt her head turned slightly to the right.  Approaching this side of the line was a large, hunched, grayish-black humanoid creature about twice the size of the humans in the line.  It wore no clothes, though his body had no features of male or female genitalia.  It was also completely hairless, and its facial features were unreadable under the shadow cast by its brow.  He retrieved what looked like a large serrated knife from somewhere behind him.  He fluidly moved the saw so that its teeth met the front of the first victim’s head.  In two harsh motions, the creature pressed and dragged his knife across the boy’s head back and forth, completely removing the top of his skull.

The sound of the saw cutting into flesh and the subsequent guttural screams from the boy were too much for Gamma.  She closed her eyes again and the sounds became ever more aggressive and unwieldy.  As she opened her eyes, she could see that the creature in front of her had not moved on—in fact, he appeared to have been staring at her with unfeeling eyes the whole time.

Upon seeing her eyes open, the creature kneaded his fingers around the sides of the rim of the hole it had cut in the boys skull as though the edge of the top of his head was a pie crust.  The creature worked its way around the top of the boy’s head until the skin and bone resembled a funnel being fed into the top of his head.

Gamma watched the creature go about a similar process for each adolescent in line.  It didn’t use the same instrument every time.  Sometimes it used an ice pick to make a hole and cracked the skull apart with its hands; sometimes it bludgeoned the top of the head with a metal hammer; only once did to use its mouth to bite the top of the head off of one of its victims.

When each human in line had been properly disfigured, with a funnel of skin and bone being fed into his or her head, a gang of half-sized demons the same make as their master dragged a piece of heavy machinery behind the line of humans, the contraption making a nearly unbearable scraping sound as it was dragged across the red metal ground.

The machine stood about as tall as the original demon, with three downward-facing nozzles protruding from its front.  As the machine was dragged behind the first three humans, Gamma could see that the nozzles were spaced perfectly apart so as to hover directly above the heads of the victims.

The original demon walked up to the machine and emphatically turned a wheel on the back of it.  A mixture of what looked like concrete was then dispensed into each victim’s open head as their screams increased and their faces morphed from a horror that Gamma couldn’t possibly understand.  As soon as the first of them keeled over from the heaviness of the concrete, the original demon grabbed him by the legs and effortlessly swung him into the air and smashed his head on the ground into a shattered, bloody mess.

The beast followed the same process for each human being.  By the time the rest of the line realized what was going on, some naively attempted to preserve their life by standing, but none could withstand the concrete.  One slightly stronger boy managed to remain upright until lines of wet concrete began dripping down the front of his face, his legs quivering under him.  Eventually, he buckled and met the same fate as his peers.

After finishing with the line of humans, the creature predictably approached Gamma herself.  As he approached her, the screen went blank, the noise stopped, and she once again felt free to move her head around.

‘You can remove your mask,’ her father said behind her.

She removed the mask and looked around her.  For some reason, the room felt different than when she had entered.

‘What time is it?’  Gamma asked her father.

‘Thirty past the hour of six,’ her father replied.

Gamma nodded.  She wasn’t surprised it had only been thirty minutes, though it felt to her like the sun could have risen and set on Christmas day by the time she had opened her eyes.

‘I am preaching in an hour and a half.  Do you plan to stay the service?’

Gamma nodded.

‘I expect to see you there.’

‘…’

‘I don’t feel happy for having had to put you through this.  I prayed, requesting God send me a sign that you didn’t need this treatment.  It would appear that it was his will that you go through this experience.  I know you have a strong soul, Gamma.  You will get past these feelings of horror in time.  But you will never forget.  You will never forget where you may end up should you slip up.’

‘…’

‘Do you understand?  Do you understand that I love you enough to put you through this?  It is because I don’t want you to go through the real thing, Gamma.  Many parents do not love their children this much.’

‘Yes, Papa.’

Papa Garland took a long breath and nodded.  ‘I must prepare for the eight o’clock service, Gamma.  I hope to see you there.  I hope you learn something.’

‘Yes.’

‘And Gamma?’

‘…’

‘You will not be sitting next to this boy, will you?’

‘No, Papa.’

When the time came for the virtual service, Gamma found herself almost sickened by the thought of putting the mask on again.  But she didn’t sit with Charlie.  In fact, she didn’t even see him in the first service.  The same was true for the 1000h service and the 1200h service.  She made sure to take a comprehensive look around her, disguising her curiosity as as a sneeze or a stretch.  But she was sure she hadn’t seen him at all.  As far as Gamma could tell, Charlie Johnson hadn’t been to any of the Christmas services.

[talkmagically]

SPN Rare Ship CC: Round 16 | @talkmagically vs. @lotrspnfangirl

Title: The Catholic Dog

Prompt: Devotion

Ship: Michael/Ruby

Word Count: 2712

Rating: Explicit

Tags/Warnings: NSFW, Priest!Michael, Blasphemy, Severe misuse of an altar

Summary: Father Michael is a simple man. A weak man. How could be possibly resist temptation when Ruby makes it look so good?

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13621089

Michael wiped the cotton cloth across the altar, marveling at the shine left behind as he cleaned. The marble was always covered in smudges, fingerprints, and stains from splashed wine by Sunday night. Michael found joy in making the surface pristine for another week of worship. Giving the parish a ‘clean slate’ to worship upon made Michael feel like he was giving himself permission to preach, as well. He could not bring himself to lead his parishioners without doing this every week. Not to mention the church looked absolutely beautiful after dark, lit only by candles. Seeing it was but one of the few luxuries he’d allow himself to have.

“Well, that truly is a sight to behold,” a voice echoed through the empty church. “A priest bent over an altar.”

Michael froze mid-wipe, still bent over the altar, and glanced down at his rosary as it slipped out of his partially unzipped sweater and made a tinkling noise on the marble. That was not a voice he expected to hear on a Sunday. She usually showed enough respect to not show up on Sundays. Letting out a weary sigh, Michael brought himself back up to a standing position before turning around.

“It is not Monday yet,” Michael pointed out. He looked at one of the clocks mounted on the walls just to make sure he was correct. It was 10:48pm. He had just over an hour until Monday.

“Do I really seem like someone who cares?” the woman asked as she meandered closer to Michael, dragging her fingers over the pews as she passed them.

“No, but I do. Why are you here on a Sunday, Ruby?” Michael asked. He twisted in place to set his cleaning cloth down on the altar before Ruby reached him.

“Well, Father,” Ruby began. She slowed to a stop in front of Michael and reached out to run a finger down one side of Michael’s rosary as she gave him a mischievous look. “I have a confession to make. You do still provide those services, do you not?”

“A demon seeking the Lord’s forgiveness? And here I thought I’d never see the day,” Michael muttered.

“It has been several centuries since my last confession,” Ruby continued, ignoring Michael’s comment. She took a step closer to Michael and began to tip-toe her fingers up his chest. “I have...quite a few sins I wish to confess. Do you have the time?”

Michael closed his eyes and inhaled deeply as he felt Ruby’s fingers make their way closer and closer to his collar. It was a familiar game that Ruby was playing; Act coy so it made Michael feel as if he was the one corrupting Ruby instead of the other way around. A week would never go by without this. And, Lord above forgive him, did Ruby know the exact strings to pull to get what she wanted from Michael.

Feeling the string of his self-restraint break, Michael pushed Ruby’s hand aside and reached out to grab her face to pull her into a kiss. He was a weak man. There was no way he could handle her teasing until midnight struck. And tease Ruby would, if given the opportunity. Michael growled into the kiss when he felt Ruby’s hand tangle into his rosary pinned between the two of them and turned the two of them around so he could push her into the altar.

“Break it and I’ll exorcise you, myself,” Michael hissed during the moment he pulled away so he could start mouthing at Ruby’s neck.

“God, I love it when you start talking dirty,” Ruby breathed into Michael’s ear.

Michael bit down hard on Ruby’s neck for the blasphemy, grinding his hips into hers as he listened to her moan echo off the church walls. Michael briefly wondered how high on the blasphemy scale that sound ranked because he didn’t want her to stop. He’d do anything to keep her from stopping.

“I am afraid I break several commandments on a regular basis, Father,” Ruby continued. She removed her fingers from Michael’s rosary and unzipped his sweater the rest of the way so she could run her nails down his shirt. “I covet. I steal. I’ve beared false witness.”

“Quite the sinner we have here, my child,” Michael murmured into Ruby’s ear. He smirked into her hair when he noticed the goosebumps that grew on her neck.

“Oh, yes,” Ruby agreed with a few jerky nods. “And it gets far worse. I cannot remember the last time I honored my parents. I take the Lord’s name in vain. I commit adultery. I murder.”

“That is such a long list. How can one even hope to gain the Lord’s forgiveness for such sins?” Michael questioned. He pushed a hand up Ruby’s shirt to remove it completely and blindly tossed it onto the altar behind her.

“Oh, I didn’t come to confession for absolution, Father,” Ruby chuckled. She took the removal of her shirt as an invitation to start attacking Michael’s belt. Once she had it loose and Michael’s pants open, she hooked her fingers through the front two loops and pulled Michael closer. “I came to brag.”

“Now, you’ve broken enough of the rules already. No need to bring the seven deadly sins into this,” Michael chided.

“Where is the fun in that?” Ruby asked, giving Michael doe eyes.

Michael dipped his head to kiss Ruby again in response and cupped his hands under her ass to lift her up onto the altar. Ruby immediately wrapped her legs around Michael’s waist to pin him against her as she ran her hands through his hair. It was Michael’s turn to moan when Ruby scratched at his roots before gripping his hair tightly and jerking his head back so she could nibble at his adam’s apple.

Michael’s eyes focused on the face of Jesus, hanging high above them on the cross, and he swallowed hard as his brain began to finally register what he and Ruby were doing. What Ruby had baited him into. Thinking back to why he was in the church so late to begin with, Michael let out another growl and stepped away from Ruby.

“What is it?” Ruby asked, a look of confusion growing on her face in response to Michael’s sudden change in demeanor.

Michael ignored her question, however, in favor of pulling her off the altar and turning her around so he could push her forward and pin her down in a bent-over position. He held her down with one hand between her shoulder blades - an action he was sure he’d pay for later - and used his other hand to make quick work of undoing her jeans and pulling them down, along with her underwear. Sometimes it amazed him how much Ruby was willing to let him do when he considered how she could overpower him without effort. But he also knew better than to comment on her tolerance - or, dare he say, preference - for manhandling. She would turn it around on him purely out of spite. She had done it before.

“You come into the house of the Lord,” Michael said as he ground his hips into Ruby’s, pulling a moan out of her as his zipper scraped against her skin and left red marks behind. “On the Sabbath. A walking example of lust and debauchery. And you don’t expect to pay for such blasphemy? I dare say, I could almost call you a masochist.”

“Yes. I agree. I deserve to be punished. What punishment fits the crime, Father?” Ruby asked with a smirk, looking back over her shoulder at Michael.

“I have something very fitting in mind,” Michael hissed back. He undid his own pants the rest of the way and snatched the small bottle of mineral oil he had intended to use on the altar that night out of the basket of cleaning materials that sat at their feet.

Ruby quickly took the opportunity to push back against Michael when he had to remove his hand from her back to slather oil on both of them. However, she was soon grasping at the far edge of the altar and letting out a long moan after Michael tossed the bottle of oil aside and grabbed both of her hips to thrust in with one quick movement. Michael took a moment to steady his breathing, the room suddenly feeling much warmer than it was before, and reached forward with his dry hand to grab a handful of Ruby’s hair.

“Now, just look at that,” Michael whispered into Ruby’s ear as he held her head back far enough so she’d have no choice but to look at the crucifixion. “All these sins you’ve listed off, and he loves you regardless.”

Ruby let out a mewling whimper when Michael pulled out nearly all the way before snapping his hips back forward. She scrambled to get one arm under her for support and used the other one to reach back and grasp at Michael’s hand on her hip. Ruby shuddered at the feeling of Michael’s hot breath on the side of her neck as he gave her a few kitten licks and refused to let go of her hair.

“You didn’t even have to ask him to die for you. He did it, anyway,” Michael continued, punctuating every third word with a hard thrust. It took every ounce of Michael’s self-control to not let loose when Ruby’s moaning from earlier returned, but he managed it. Barely. A sudden high-pitched squeak from Ruby when Michael had to adjust his weight on his feet and inadvertently changed his angle didn’t help. “And, truly, that is the ultimate forgiveness. Nothing I say, nothing I do, can ever absolve you more than you accepting that precious gift of love he has given us all.”

“Good, ol’ JC can come visit me in Hell if he has something to give me,” Ruby shot back in a breathy tone. Michael slammed his hips forward and tightened his grip on Ruby’s hair before leaning forward to speak into her ear again.

“I am sure he would do just that if you asked him very, very politely,” Michael hissed.

Michael began thrusting into Ruby in earnest, foregoing any further banter back-and-forth in favor of pulling as many noises out of Ruby as he could. Which she delivered with repeated moans and heady breaths. It was intoxicating. If Michael was going to succumb to sin, this had to be his favorite way to go.

“Gah, fuck… Michael…” Ruby squeaked out between breaths, whimpering in need when he gripped her hair even tighter to keep her eyes on the crucifixion hanging above them. “Michael.”

The sight of his bouncing rosary caught Michael’s eye when he glanced down to adjust his grip on Ruby’s hip, and the reminder that he shouldn’t be doing this was enough to push him close to the edge. Michael released Ruby’s hair so he could grab both of her hips while he tried to get closer and closer. Beneath him, he could feel Ruby start to shudder as she cried out and gripped at the marble atlar again with white knuckles. The sensation of Ruby clenching around him finally pushed Michael over, and he rode them both out with a few more shaky thrusts.

The church soon fell quiet again with only heavy breathing to break the silence. Michael leaned forward with a forearm on the altar, next to Ruby, to keep himself upright as he attempted to catch his breath. Ruby let herself lay slack across the altar, in no rush to move out of Michael’s continued grip on her hip, and pressed her forehead onto the cool marble. Michael glanced up at the clock and couldn’t stop the sharp laugh from escaping his mouth when he saw that the time was 11:23pm. It was still Sunday.

“You are the most blasphemous creature I have ever met,” Michael said as he slowly pulled away from Ruby finally.

“And yet, every week, you never say no to whatever I ask,” Ruby pointed out with a chuckle. She lifted her head up to look at the crucifixion and gave it a mock salute before pulling her pants and underwear back up.

“Would you even listen if I said no?” Michael asked while re-doing his buckle, not entirely sure he wanted to know the answer now that he voiced his thoughts out loud. He was very much aware again that the woman in front of him wasn’t human. Ruby turned around to give Michael a look.

“I may be a demon, Michael, but even I have standards. We’re not down below. While here on Earth, it’s a hell of a lot more fun when you’re an active participant,” Ruby scoffed. She paused a moment and leveled another look at him. This one a bit wary. “You wouldn’t actually go through with it, would you?”

“With what?” Michael asked. He absentmindedly zipped his sweater back up and tucked his rosary back in, barely catching Ruby’s glance down at it. “Oh. An exorcism. No, Ruby. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t do it if I tried. Regardless of what anyone does, I would not be capable of knowingly sending them to Hell. That is not a judgement that is my place to make.”

A look flashed across Ruby’s face that Michael wasn’t entirely able to decipher, and it was gone before he could imprint it in his memory to consider later.

“Still. Quite the threat for a string of beads,” Ruby pointed out.

“It was a gift from my parents when I held Mass for the first time by myself. It has far more meaning to me than any rosary I could ever receive from the Church,” Michael explained. He didn’t understand why he was telling Ruby anything. She was usually out the door by now, unable to be within the grounds of the church any longer than an hour and unwilling to test her limits. But Michael could tell she was fighting the pain that had begun to creep up under her skin. And, for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out why she stayed.

“Humans and your sentimentality,” Ruby laughed with a shaky breath.

“Ruby, are you okay?” Michael asked. He took a step forward and raised a hand to touch the side of her face. Michael’s face scrunched up in concern when Ruby let her eyes flutter shut and turned into Michael’s touch.

“Such devotion, you have,” Ruby said, ignoring Michael’s question. “To meet up with a demon on a weekly basis and still remain loyal to the church.”

“We are all sinners, Ruby. Each and every one of us. While the Lord may judge me for my affairs with you, I still have a job to pass along his word to all who are willing to listen.” Ruby fell silent at Michael’s answer. Whatever her reasoning for still being there, Michael knew she couldn’t stay any longer when he began to feel her shake under his hand. “Ruby, come on. You shouldn’t be here. We’re getting closer to the hour mark.”

“Just a minute more, Michael. To stay here with you,” Ruby whispered. She inhaled and exhaled deeply before opening her eyes, both of them flashing black. “You really do deserve to be a priest.”

Michael pressed his lips tightly together when he had no immediate response. Now was not the time to admit that he had been questioning his position in the Church as of late. Because as much as he loved the Church, he didn’t need to be a priest to teach others about the word of God. And not being a priest meant being able to stay somewhere that didn’t cause Ruby physical pain. He needed to find a balance between his devotion to the Church and his devotion to her. It wasn’t coming easily.

“Come on, Ruby,” Michael insisted, grabbing her arm and pulling her gently in the direction of the main entrance. “It’s not safe for you here anymore.”

Michael didn’t know whether or not to take Ruby’s compliance as a sign of anything significant. But for now, he’d focus on getting her out of here. He could get his answers later.

[haonqq]

30 Day Yinro Challenge: Day 1-9

All of this ended up longer than intended so its 9 days under the cut lmao

1. the basics: introduce us to your watcher!

You enter the walls of Caed Nua, met with the sight of milling guests and locals alike, small market stalls lined up. It almost appears akin to a small village, people going about their business, be it building, shopping, watching the speech in the foyer you can’t quite hear from your distance, or perhaps attending worship in the small, homely church. It certainly wasn’t what you’d expected from all of the ghastly descriptions of the place from merely a year ago. You peel your eyes from the sight and make your way towards the Great Hall, but as you approach, looking like one to proposition the local thayn, a guard stops you. “You won’t be findin’ him in there.” She gestures behind her at the large door, cracked slightly but seemingly empty. “This time a’day he’s usually out by Brighthollow, working in the garden or cookin’. If he hasn’t been stolen off to help out with some other chore.” What she’s saying doesn’t quite make sense, and you aren’t inclined to believe her, but follow her directions back towards this ‘Brighthollow’. Passing through a few groups of gossiping locals, you find the building matching her description and look around. Nobody seems to be in the garden, though it does seem recently tended. The kitchen seems to be your next stop, but as you make your way towards the door, you hear something like a curse above you. Squinting up into the afternoon sky, you manage to spot a shingle as it slides off the edge of the roof, managing to move out of the way just in time to avoid it landing on you. You look up again to see an elf. You blink again, having not believed the rumors of a pale elf being the new thayn and owner of Caed Nua. “Oh, gods, sorry! Did it hit you? I should have been more careful, slipped right between my hands!” He looks as apologetic as he sounds, wiping a wrist along his forehead, thin locks of strawberry dusted pale hair sticking to the sweat on his face and neck. “Here, let me just-” And within a moment he’s down the ladder and in front of you, checking you over carefully before wiping a fleck of dirt off your shoulder, then clapping his hand there. “There we go, good as new!” It was harder to hear from above, but its clear he isn’t from the Dyrwood. Rauatain, if your memory is to be trusted, but he speaks Aedyran clearly enough. He smiles as he looks you over, crow’s feet wrinkling at the corner of his eyes and it’s only now you notice their striking pink color. “Ah, my apologies, Yinro Manaaki, Thayn and Lord of Caed Nua at your service. I take it you’re here to speak with me?” He starts out maintaining eye contact with you, but as he continues on he squats down to pick up the bits of broken shingle from the ground before standing again. You nod your affirmation, though you’re not sure what to make of him. He seems genuine enough, and the name matches. He smiles again, so genuinely you can tell everything he’s telling you is the truth. “You have excellent timing, I was just finishing up fixing the roof.” He disposes of the shingle pieces and wipes his hands on his pants, already dirty from previous wear. Then he gestures forward and takes a step towards the Great Hall, waiting on your before moving along, keeping at your pace. “So, what is it I can do for you?”

2. appearance: what race is your watcher? what do they look like? any scars, tattoos, or markings?

(photo by @riessene because its just,,, so good im cry)

I touched on a few things in the fancy dancy intro but! He’s a pale elf with strawberry blonde hair(though its on the lighter side) and of the lighter blue skin variety. Naturally, he’s covered in those white freckles because i love them He has two prominent scars, both on his face

The first is the scar on his mouth, which crosses both lips. While in a,, disagreement fight with his older adopted brother Branwen, there was always some shoving and punching and the like, but Branwen got a solid hit on him and Yinro managed to catch his face on something sharp and it just sliced through his lip and its healed but never really gone away,, The other is on his cheek, down to his jaw and he actually got this one when he met Aloth! Unable to talk the drunks down, Yinro assisted Aloth with taking them out for their safety and managed to catch one of the weapons on his cheek since he’s an idiot and doesnt use weapons when he fights and with everything going on with lack of sleep and all its unlikely it healed to full capacity and so it will remain for all his days

(im debating on one over his eyebrow at the beginning of Deadfire but that depends on how That starts exactly also debated on a tattoo but lbr i forget his scars all the time im good lmao)

3. personality & alignment: give us a look into your watcher’s personality! you can use theirmyers briggs type, d&d morality alignment, or just describe their motives and quirks.

As a start, Yinro is bordering the Neutral/Chaotic Good alignment, sticking closer to the Trying to keep lawful, but also following his own moral compass as to whether the Law is truly Good. He is however a supremely good person and tries to remain as honest as possible without putting someone in danger that doesnt need to be. While he is, as Eder put it, the type to “get involved”, in cases where the punishment seems deserved he won’t step in. However, while he does genuinely try to be good and make good decisions, part of it is attempting to make up for past wrongs and trying not to dip back into bad habits. He also has problems, because of that and misunderstanding teachings, avoids his anger. He used to let his anger pretty much control him, back when he was first adopted, and made a lot of trouble for people who didnt deserve it. He was supposed to be learning to control his anger and work with it and not let it control him, but ended up suppressing it in the long run. (which is going to be a primary Personal Conflict in Deadfire cause BOY is he pissed). But ultimately he’s a benevolent person and believes the best of everyone and believes that anyone can make up for their mistakes in the long run if they’re willing to try.

4. sexuality & gender: how does your watcher identify? is this important to them, or have they never given it much thought?

Gender hasn’t really been much of a focus for Yinro and he’s never really given it much thought. He probably thought about it a bit when literally soul searching provided his previous life was a woman, and if he didn’t already view gender as more of a biological thing than a soul bound thing or important at all, he’d probably be more fluid but he’s comfortable identifying as a man in this life.

Yinro is strictly attracted to men, both romantically and sexually, and is pretty important to him. While I dont think Rauatai in particular is against same-sex relationships, I think in his mind considering before being moved there he only lived with his mother and didn’t really interact with much anyone else he probably heard a lot about het relationships moreso thank gay ones and so when he got to a romantically interested age, he had that barrier of ‘but I SHOULD like women’ when realistically he was repulsed at the idea. It was a big part of realizing who he is and is much more important to him than gender.

This being said, he is a very touchy person (touchy being like. Physically touching peple, he enjoys physical contact) and isn’t opposed to being as touchy with female friends as long as they’re aware theres no romantic inclination there.

5. background: what’s your watcher’s culture and background? tell us a bit about their life before traveling to the dyrwood!

Yinro spent the first 20 years of his life in The White That Wends living a nomadic life with his biological mother. His father was still alive, but the relationship with his mother was purely to produce a child for her. She was a hunter, and decided clan life wasn’t for her, and so that was where Yinro grew up. An unfortunate accident after being ambushed by slavers hampered her mobility, and ultimately resulted in her death in an avalanche. This left Yinro travelling alone with no hint as to where a clan may be or really anyone at all. He lasted alright, knowing how to hunt and survive there, but that didn’t prepare him for the slavers catching up, trapping him and ‘escorting’ him to Rauatai for selling. He didn’t spend long in servitude but it was enough to twist his sorrow from losing his mother into an anger that would permeate the next 10 years of his life. Naturally when he managed to escape servitude, he was a scourge of the streets. Petty theft, shakedowns, anything to get by. After he was picked up by a kind dwarven woman with a knack for picking up troubled youth and adopting them named Vianna Manaaki, this behavior continued until he met his mentor. His mentor really kicked him a new one, but became almost like a father figure to him, even if he was temporary. After that, Yinro began to shape up and make amends for his previous wrongs and becoming a role model for his younger siblings and gaining some semblance of a normal siblinghood with Branwen, though the resentment for the trouble Yinro caused his mother was still there. He began making amends to a local tavern owner by washing his dishes, steadily becoming more and more interested in cooking while watching him in the kitchens. Over time, the owner began working with him to the point that Yinro was a full fledged assistant chef. Once the management changed, Yinro decided that was his time to set out and find somewhere he could really call his, always feeling a bit outcast. He set out for the Dyrwood after hearing about cheap land, hoping to find an inexpensive place to live and settle down and make a living off cooking. Then we find him with the caravan and WELL,, chefing didn’t work out.

Due to him spending a majority of his life in Rauatai, I went with the Rauatain Laborer background, though he does still follow some TWTW culturally, he’s more in tune with Rauatain (initially he was a drifter but ultimately didn’t fit with his bg)

6. family: who does your watcher consider family? do they place more importance on blood relatives or found family? do they keep in touch after traveling to the dyrwood?

Yinro always considers his birth mother family, but considers his adopted family (even Branwen) just as much family as she was. (guess who’s got nine fucking adoptive siblings, though two are older than Yinro) And while he does consider his companions family as well, there’s a different context, familial but definitely more on the ‘found family’ variety, whereas adoptive family are basically blood relatives in his his eyes. He was doing well keeping in contact with them on his way and at the beginning of the trip, but as things got more hectic and he got more tired, he didn’t want to worry them so he sent one final letter reassuring them that he was just getting busy and wouldn’t be in contact for a while. He has since resumed regular contact post-game.

7. stats & class: give us a rundown of those sweet, sweet base stats. do they line up with how you envision your watcher from a roleplay standpoint, or are they more gameplay based? do they line up with your watcher’s race and class? how did they begin training in their chosen class? (bonus! will they be multi-classing in deadfire?)

Not technically the stats i used in game, since these are from one of the replays with the laborer bg and more context to what the stats actually do. I try to stick closer to a roleplaying form rather than gameplay, but try to keep a clooose balance between the two, making it possible to do the things I want Yinro to be able to do as well as keep close to how he actually is. I think he is not nearly as perceptive or smart as the average elf assumedly is, he’s a lil bumpkin with no formal education but he’s not stupid either. I thinkkk its pretty good Monk stats though (okay he DOES have perception but he’s too much of a dingus to do anything about what he sees) I briefly touched on it in the bg question, but! (okay im changing how they met right now because i just came up with a better idea here we go lmao) Yinro was shaking some people down late at night, when his master(monk master/teacher is what i mean by master in this story) walks by. Of course, being in this part of town for a while he’s heard of Yinro, little shits got a rep. He waps Yinro over the back of the head with a his staff, knocking him down and dazing him, letting the two he was shaking down go but turning back to Yinro is able to recognize the pain and and anger behind his actions. Gives him two options: get turned over to the guard(again), or become his pupil and move past this. Yinro, conflicted but also WANTING to change and grow, took him up on the offer. And so for the next couple years he trained him in both combat and discipline, and Yinro stopped being so much of a little shit.

The plan IS for him to multiclass, but I’m not sure if I want him to be a Shadowdancer or a Brawler,,

8. fighting style & gear: what weapons and armor does your watcher use? are there any talents/abilities that they favor in combat? are there any that they refrain from using, for moral reasons or otherwise? (bonus! will they choose a sub-class in deadfire?)

A good portion of the game I had him in medium armor, but realistically he’s more likely to wear light armor(aka basically,, regular clothes,, with maybe a leather vest, MAYBE) He also didn’t use any weapons, depending purely on his little gay hands, though come Deadfire he’s realised that,, maybe he should,, use weapons and right now I have him using a sword/sabre in his main hand and dagger/stiletto in his off hand but thats subject to change depending on subclass and how viable monk is Debating on the Shattered Pillar subclass for monk, but Im not sure about a multiclass subclass (maybe avoid a subclass for one for simplicity’s sake)

9. reputations: what are your watcher’s dispositions? do they line up with how you envision your watcher? what are your watcher’s reputations? do they work to maintain any reputations, either good or bad?

Remember how i said Yinro was a good boy? When have I EVER lied to you?? I will say I didn’t play with dispositions on so a lot of the stoic options (esp the Hiravias one with the raw meat. Also Yinro would eat raw meat just not That Part) I was playing off for comedic effect which is. Really funny if you consider Yinro just being bad at jokes

Reputation wise he didn’t explicitly try for anyone to like him besides the Crucible Knights and that was so he could get into the peace talks since they seemed the closest Law without consorting with criminals or,, u know the Dozens,,, neither of which he was a fan of (he had some drawbacks with the knights ofc but less than the others) Which is probably why he ended up with some places only seeing him as a hero rather than a champion And some places,, not liking him much at all

[toldnews-blog]

New Post has been published on https://toldnews.com/united-states-of-america/un-pick-heather-nauert-hosted-panel-on-sharia-law-conspiracies-in-2009-fox-news-webcast/

UN pick Heather Nauert hosted panel on Sharia law conspiracies in 2009 Fox News webcast

Heather Nauert, a former host for “Fox and Friends” and the current spokeswoman for the State Department, pushed the theory in a 2009 Fox News hourlong special webcast titled “Terror from Within” that is still available on the network’s website. Nauert fielded input from anti-Muslim activists Frank Gaffney and Robert Spencer, as well as Canadian journalist Tarek Fatah, who is a prominent Muslim critic of aspects of Islam.

Nauert’s role in the program could complicate what is already expected to be a contentious confirmation process to become the US ambassador to the UN, a post Trump nominated her to in December. Nauert has already faced criticism for a 2013 appearance on “Fox and Friends” in which she said that “Sharia law is now changing everything” while covering a story on a YMCA private swim class for Muslim girls that accommodated their religious requirements.

After Trump tapped Nauert to replace Nikki Haley as America’s ambassador to the United Nations, many raised concerns about her lack of policy experience. Some in diplomatic circles wonder how she’ll handle delicate negotiations, questions that are compounded by her past statements on issues of global concern.

In a statement to CNN, State Department deputy spokesman Robert Palladino defended Nauert’s involvement with the 2009 program but did not address her comments directly.

“TV anchors host debates with guests who hold different, and at times, controversial opinions. That does not mean the moderator agrees with the views expressed. Incidentally, the very same guests she interviewed have appeared on CNN multiple times. Furthermore, Heather repeatedly made clear that she was not maligning any faith; her segment examined taxpayer dollars that went to both churches and mosques,” Palladino said.

In 2009, Nauert introduced the program as exploring “a school of thought that there is a stealthy jihad taking place within the US. And the theory is that some in our country want to destroy our America from within.”

They would achieve this destruction, she continued, “by using our own legal system against us, by undermining our financial system and even taking away our holidays. The fact that we are a PC, politically correct country, well that will only be used against us.”

Nauert later added that the segment was “not intending in any way to malign the Muslim faith” but was looking at “one school of thought” that was “in part based on some things that are happening overseas, some things that are extremely relevant.”

During the episode’s panel discussion, Gaffney and Spencer floated multiple conspiracies related to “stealth jihad.” Gaffney promoted the unfounded Muslim “no-go zones” conspiracy about the existence of areas in the US that he contended were “off limits to the authorities.”

“These are places that we have reason to believe are actively training people to prepare for jihad,” he said. There is no evidence to support claims of no-go zones in the US or in other countries.

Gaffney and Spencer’s comments echo some claims of their books, which Nauert praised as “quite impressive” in the beginning of the episode while plugging Spencer’s books, “The Truth about Muhammad,” “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Islam” and “Stealth Jihad,” along with Gaffney’s book “War Footing.”

Later in the program, Fatah added he believes that “almost 100% of the mosques” in the United States are controlled by “those who wish to destroy Western civilization.”

While Nauert at times asked clarifying questions and pushed her guests to specify that not all Muslims support extremism or Sharia law, she did little to address the broader theme her guests espoused over an hour: that Islam is a threat to Western civilization.

In one part of the program, Nauert appeared to agree with panelist Fatah that the American taxpayers are “funding their own society’s destruction.”

Fatah said the charitable status of mosques in Canada and the US should be revoked because they discriminate against women.

“The American taxpayers should not be funding their own society’s destruction,” he said.

“Oh, but we are,” Nauert interjected. She then cited the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives, which was established by President George W. Bush by executive order in 2001 to help push federal aid to religious charities providing social services.

“Remember what President Bush set up? Everybody remembered this,” she said. “In January 29, 2001, President Bush set up the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives.”

“And part of the idea was if somebody was trying to combat alcoholism that they could go to the church and go to an AA medium, meeting, held through the church,” Nauert added. “But rather somebody could get services through that. What some would argue is that the money that is going to churches and or mosques — well, money’s fungible anyway — that it could be going to groups that it was not intended for.”

CNN found no news reports about money from this program that went to groups it was “not intended for,” as Nauert alleged. Jim Towey, who headed the office under Bush from February 2002 to May 2006, said the charge was false.

“It just never happened,” Towey, now the president of Ave Maria University, told CNN. “In theory I guess it could happen, but the reality is that it didn’t and safeguards were in place to prevent such abuse.”

“I met with several representatives of Islamic groups and they were interested in faith-based groups not being discriminated against, but when it came to actually seeking grants from the government to do social work, they weren’t interested at all,” Towey added. “They were very much like the Southern Baptists in that they did not want to be entangled with government. They were very skeptical of being under the tentacles of government and so it just didn’t happen. Plus, they tended to serve only Muslims, which meant they couldn’t receive federal funds.

“I think what these guys are basically saying is that mosques in America or nonprofits affiliated with them shouldn’t be tax exempt and I don’t see any constitutional basis for that.”

[whorchataaa]

Podcast: Stigma in Christian and Asian Communities

If I come forward with my mental illness, will it shame my family? If I go to a psychiatrist, does it mean I don’t have enough faith to heal myself? While these questions might seem odd to some people, these are very real worries for many in the Asian and Christian communities.

In today’s episode, Dr. Esther Park, who is both Korean and Christian, explains the mental health stigma she has seen in both of these circles. Dr. Park helps clarify these issues and encourages people in these groups to understand the importance of seeking professional help.

We want to hear from you — Please fill out our listener survey by clicking the graphic above!

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  Guest information for ‘Esther Park – Asian & Christian Stigma’ Podcast Episode

Dr. Park is a board-certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist. Her undergraduate studies were completed at UCLA. She trained to be a physician at Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine. During the first year of her family medicine residency training program, she realized her calling was really in the mental health field. Dr. Park completed her psychiatric training at the LAC/USC Medical Center and has more than seventeen years of outpatient clinical experience treating children and adults.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Esther Park – Asian & Christian Stigma’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of The Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Dr. Esther Park, who is a board certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist. Dr. Park completed her psychiatric training at the LAC/USC Medical Center and has more than 17 years of outpatient clinical experience treating adults and children. Dr. Park, welcome to the show.

Dr. Esther Park: Oh, it’s such a pleasure. Thank you for inviting me.

Gabe Howard: Well, we are really excited to have you here because we want to talk about the stigma of mental health in the Christian and Asian communities. So let’s jump right in. Why is there stigma around mental health in many Christian circles?

Dr. Esther Park: This is an area where I’m very familiar. I grew up my father was a Presbyterian minister from Korea as a first generation Korean moving here to the United States. And I was born here. So I’m a US born Korean American. So I got to see just what it’s like to grow up in a church, actually, Korean church. I believe that the stigma comes from misconceptions, a lot of misconceptions about healing in general, general healing of physical problems and especially mental healing. So, for example, maybe 1700’s, right. Where severe mental illness such as schizophrenia, where they’re having hallucinations and bizarre behaviors that used to be looked upon as demon possessed. And so from those generations and centuries until now, it still has kind of trickled to this modern day of if you have a mental illness and you can’t, quote unquote, shake it off, that something’s wrong with you spiritually.

Gabe Howard: I’m reminded of the Salem witch trials, and in

Dr. Esther Park: Yes.

Gabe Howard: 2020, the majority of people believe that that was just an extreme overreaction based on so many factors, but fear being a primary one. And now here we are in 2020. And I recognize that we’re not burning anybody at the stake. But it’s interesting to me that we’re allowing sort of this misinformation or misconception and this fear of mental illness drive our thinking when the average person in 2020 completely understands that letting fear and misinformation drive our thinking all the way back in Salem was an overreach and an overreaction, it feels like the same thing just with less dire consequences. Except, of course, if you’re a person living with mental illness or mental health issues and you don’t get the treatment and support that you need, you know, death is a very real possibility.

Dr. Esther Park: Right, I totally agree, it’s just a different form now, it’s just more maybe acceptable form today of how people are being viewed or treated whenever they’re struggling, and then that causes people to not share their struggles.

Gabe Howard: Do you feel that the average Christian feels that they can’t seek help because it insults their faith, or is it deeper than that?

Dr. Esther Park: Not about insulting their own faith, it’s about like if I sought help and I find out that I really have a diagnosis or I’m really experiencing something real, then that’s going to prove that I am not a person of true faith or my faith is weaker than others. And they’re very fearful to discover that sometimes. So there’s a great deal of denial and a great deal of I can just beat this with my faith. All I have to do is pray, or all I have to do is go to more worship services. So I think those are the reasons why, rather than a direct insult to the faith professionally, I would say why there’s a stigma. There is such minimal knowledge, the ignorance about physiology and medical background and even psychology. Even the entire field of psychology, there is another misconception just based on the fear that that is not of God. And they think that psychologists or even the theorists of the past are not aligned with God and they just kind of alienate them or marginalize them as opposite of God or atheists. And so I found that very intriguing because I grew up even I think my own dad would talk about Freud or other famous theorists, not that they’re of the devil, but like they’re influenced maybe and did not trust psychology. And maybe people don’t even try to go to a psychologist for fear that, oh, they’re going to change me.

Dr. Esther Park: And if they change me, I’m not going to believe in God. I might be talking really extremely in terms of like what they were thinking. But deep down inside, there is so much fear in going to a psychologist. They don’t know that these are actual neurologically based struggles, for example, major depression, severe anxiety disorders, bipolar, schizophrenia. These are disorders of neurotransmitter imbalances. And they can be treated. On the other hand, on the spiritual level, I’m a firm believer that many have inaccurate understanding about what we call the gospel or the good news. They don’t know the message of the Bible. I think they misconstrue so many things and just pick and choose what they think is the doctrines and then apply it to certain things. For example, have you ever heard of the word legalism? Legalism is a term of based on the law. So, for example, there are laws of God or there’s these traditional laws interpreted as laws of God, and you must obey them. And that’s the only way to please God or get blessings. And therefore, if you don’t, you may get punished. If the mental health issue is considered as a punishment, then they may be experiencing, oh, I must be punished. This must be a consequence of a past wrongdoing. So it’s totally the misconception starts to really take over.

Gabe Howard: It really seems like there’s just a lot of misinformation. What we really have here is a biological brain based disorder that needs medical intervention, medical intervention that can be provided by, for example, Dr. Park. But we start to turn it into more than it is. And throughout history, we’ve had so many examples of this. But I guess my question is both as a doctor and as a Christian, what advice do you have for people who are struggling with this? Because we want people to get the care that they need. We want them to be able to move forward in their lives. And we certainly don’t want something like misinformation or fear to hold them back from leading their best life.

Dr. Esther Park: Absolutely, I just love how you mentioned about leading their best life, many of the talks that we give, whether it be at Christian communities or schools or other places, we emphasize that mental suffering is a blockage, an obstacle to reaching our greatest potentials. And in my opinion, as a Christian, I don’t think God intends for suffering to persist and continue, and he never intends for it to block someone to reach their greatest potential. So my encouragement usually is if there is pain, just like if you have a persistent piercing headache, you wouldn’t just sit on that. You actually would ask the question, why am I having this pain? I don’t like this pain, it’s bothering me. Maybe I should go seek help in the same way when there is an emotional pain or a conflict that is piercing the function of their life, that questions will be asked. They will ask it, why am I having this? But then it stops there. And so my encouragement is to really learn that there is a biological basis. And of course there are psychological issues and sociological issues. And I always add to this community there is a spiritual issue, but you have to address all of them. You can’t just label it as it’s a spiritual issue and I have to pray it off.

Gabe Howard: Let’s take a moment to talk about the role of prayer in recovery, because you’re certainly not saying that prayer has no place, you’re just saying that it won’t work in isolation, much like in many physical illnesses. For example, if you break your leg, nobody is shaming you for praying. They’re just saying that you should also go to a doctor, have your leg set and be put in a cast. Is that analogous to what we’re talking about in mental health as well?

Dr. Esther Park: Yes, I agree, definitely. I’m not saying you don’t need prayer or don’t pray when I think about what God is looking at, He’s like, OK, you want my help? Well, I’m going to give you help. And the help is going to be through someone I send to help you. I feel that prayer has so many roles in the Christian life. So in our everyday struggles, such as physical, mental illnesses, it’s natural to ask God, please help me. And I strongly believe that he has ordained and given gifts and talents to people who can bring that healing, who can bring the medical healing part, and he’ll do the rest.

Gabe Howard: And we’ll be right back after these messages.

Sponsor Message: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We’re back discussing mental illness and the Asian and Christian communities with Dr. Esther Park. One of the things that you talk about being Asian-American is that it’s not just the Christian culture that is struggling with accepting mental health issues, but there’s also cultural issues inside the Asian-American community where, as you put it, they don’t understand or accept mental health issues from a cultural basis that has nothing to do with Christianity. It’s just sort of the culture. These things have a lot in common, right. It’s the same sort of mechanism. Can you speak to that? Because you speak to it very well.

Dr. Esther Park: Yes, the Asian circles have something in common, in my opinion, which is a cultural aspect of not expressing your emotions, feelings and conflicts and struggles, not that they’ll deny that they have those, but if they express that they’re struggling, then it may be a sign of weakness. And then that can lead to the possibility of bringing shame upon the family. In the Asian circles, where collectivism is more dominant than the individualistic viewpoint, I have to maintain the respect of the family. So, for example, if I have a severe mental illness which causes behavioral changes that would be looked upon by others with their eyebrows raised like what’s going on there, then that could actually bring shame. And if I bring shame to the family, then I will devalue my family or I will ruin my family’s name. So I have to do my best to try to avoid the risk of attracting any disrespect or gossip from others outside. Therefore, I need to just buck up and figure this out on my own. It’s a really huge pressure to try to always look OK to look perfect, because if I don’t, then my family won’t and I can’t dishonor my parents that way. I would say for many Asian communities and countries this is what’s going on. And when it comes to illness, mental illness, even more than physical illness, it is kept inside and withdrawn and isolated.

Gabe Howard: Now, some folks may be thinking that this isn’t a Christian issue or a cultural issue, this is just a societal issue, that every culture has this issue accepting mental health or mental illness. Do you think that it’s worse in Christian communities? Do you think it’s the same? Do you think it’s the same mechanism? Do you think it’s a variation of a theme? Because there is an awful lot of discrimination and stigma surrounding mental illness and mental health issues. How does it differ when we have these extra cultural expectations involved?

Dr. Esther Park: I would say there are some overlap and then there are some separate factors for each, but I think the one overlap is, for example, if I confess openly that I am very much in pain, I’m struggling, I need help, like, for example, addictions. That’s something very, very difficult to confess in Bible circles that might prove I’m not a good child to my Asian family. I’ve disappointed my family or it proves I’m not a strong Christian and therefore I just have to live with this addiction and be by myself, just hide it from everyone else. So I would say that is something that describes an overlap regarding, for example, addictions.

Gabe Howard: Short term, what can be done to reduce resistance and to help people in these populations to be more willing to seek and obviously get help and be well?

Dr. Esther Park: For those who come to a center like ours, Oak Health Center, they’re already suffering greatly, they muster up enough courage to come to us. And so initially, the clinicians here, we try to provide what we call psycho education, which is just education regarding psychological factors and psychological illnesses. We talk about the disease state. We talk about what the standard of care of treatment is. We let them know what the past recovery rates have been for others. We tell them that you are not alone. This is not something new. This is something that many others experience. And we are familiar with them. And we talk about the risks and benefits to treatment, about how the benefits outweigh the risks. And slowly, many of them become encouraged because they experience hope and they experience reduction of their original stigmas and their thoughts. And then when they start trying the treatment and they experience some recovery and where their function is improved, not only improve but to the next level where they reach the next level of their potential, they become naturally excited and that will naturally let them share with others. And another way we are trying to reduce that resistance is we’re doing presentations and talks and we bring the awareness to them by speaking on these topics and talking about the specific questions that we know that they have and the misconceptions that they have. I feel that that has helped because after those talks, some who may never have called to get an evaluation, they would call.

Gabe Howard: That’s incredible. Now, let’s talk about long term. Long term, what will it take to remove this stigma entirely in Christian circles? Is it even possible to do so?

Dr. Esther Park: I think it’s possible. In the Christian circles long term, in order to bring more awareness and raise an acceptance, it has to be from the leaders. The leaders probably learn from their predecessors regarding these misconceptions and therefore unintentionally. Maybe they keep that and they continue that. I feel that we need to help leaders to be educated first and reduce their own misconceptions and ignorances so that they will feel comfortable to teach and preach to their congregations in their ministries about these issues because if they bring it up at the front, then there will be a realization that, oh, this is not abnormal or crazy. We’re all going through this and I should pay attention to it. Also, I feel that if they have that acknowledgment and awareness that they are not professionals, but that they are kind of like middle person counselors because so many would go to them with their struggles. Many pastors and leaders, they do their best, they counsel and they pray. But there’s a certain level of illness where they need to be referred for professional care. So that kind of education, awareness and training would be very necessary.

Gabe Howard: Obviously, thank you so much for your candor and can you give us some example of where these stigmas were overcome in the Christian community? Because that gives us hope, right?

Dr. Esther Park: Oh, yes, actually, myself, for example, I began as a family medicine resident and I had this dream of being a doctor and maybe I’ll travel the world and I will be a medical missionary and heal everybody. So I began that way and I realized I utterly disliked the residency. And I had a crisis during that time of my career of, oh, my goodness, I wasn’t supposed to be a doctor. What am I supposed to do now? But during that year, I realized there are other residencies and other specialties and maybe I should consider them. So when I switched to psychiatry, I was somewhat hesitant because I did not know what my parents would say, especially my dad being an Asian Christian pastor. And I was so surprised and encouraged because when I told them about it, I said, Hey, Dad, I’m not going to be a family practice doctor anymore. I’m going to go into psychiatry. And he was actually so excited and he said, of course, you need to be a mental doctor. I’m like, what are you talking about? I thought maybe you wouldn’t think that’s even a real doctor. And his response was, what do you mean? Psychology and psychiatry is the closest to the soul and so many are struggling. You need to help them with their emotional mental disturbances so that they can maybe eventually meet God that way. So that was his response.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much for sharing those and please thank your father for us, because I know that especially in mental health circles, sometimes our families aren’t willing to let us share how our families have evolved, because, as you’ve said, we just try to keep it all internalized to not and I’m making air quotes here embarrass the family. And I think it’s healthy to get it out there and have difficult conversations surrounding mental illness and mental health issues. And I applaud you and your family and all of the work that is being done. It will absolutely save lives.

Dr. Esther Park: Thank you so much.

Gabe Howard: Oh, you’re very welcome. Where can folks find you on the Web?

Dr. Esther Park: Our clinic website is Oak.Care.   W W W dot O A K dot C A R E, and there you will find the list of our locations and what services we provide. And we’re very proud to report that we are direct providers for Aetna and Anthem Blue Cross, which is very important to a lot of people. And may I add one more website? Especially for those who are in the Christian community and struggling, they’re welcome to visit OakHealthFoundation.org. Oak Health Foundation, all in one word dot org, where there they can read about what we do and perhaps after reading that, find encouragement to try to seek help.

Gabe Howard: Well, Dr. Park, thank you so much for being here and for sharing both from a professional level and from a personal one, we really, really appreciate it.

Dr. Esther Park: So glad to be here. Thank you so much, Gabe.

Gabe Howard: Well, you’re very welcome, thank you so much and listen up, listeners, here’s what we need you to do. Please, wherever you downloaded this podcast, please subscribe. That way you don’t miss any great episodes. Share us on social media and use your words. Tell people why they should listen as well. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling any time anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com.  To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

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Podcast: Stigma in Christian and Asian Communities

If I come forward with my mental illness, will it shame my family? If I go to a psychiatrist, does it mean I don’t have enough faith to heal myself? While these questions might seem odd to some people, these are very real worries for many in the Asian and Christian communities.

In today’s episode, Dr. Esther Park, who is both Korean and Christian, explains the mental health stigma she has seen in both of these circles. Dr. Park helps clarify these issues and encourages people in these groups to understand the importance of seeking professional help.

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  Guest information for ‘Esther Park – Asian & Christian Stigma’ Podcast Episode

Dr. Park is a board-certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist. Her undergraduate studies were completed at UCLA. She trained to be a physician at Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine. During the first year of her family medicine residency training program, she realized her calling was really in the mental health field. Dr. Park completed her psychiatric training at the LAC/USC Medical Center and has more than seventeen years of outpatient clinical experience treating children and adults.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Esther Park – Asian & Christian Stigma’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of The Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Dr. Esther Park, who is a board certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist. Dr. Park completed her psychiatric training at the LAC/USC Medical Center and has more than 17 years of outpatient clinical experience treating adults and children. Dr. Park, welcome to the show.

Dr. Esther Park: Oh, it’s such a pleasure. Thank you for inviting me.

Gabe Howard: Well, we are really excited to have you here because we want to talk about the stigma of mental health in the Christian and Asian communities. So let’s jump right in. Why is there stigma around mental health in many Christian circles?

Dr. Esther Park: This is an area where I’m very familiar. I grew up my father was a Presbyterian minister from Korea as a first generation Korean moving here to the United States. And I was born here. So I’m a US born Korean American. So I got to see just what it’s like to grow up in a church, actually, Korean church. I believe that the stigma comes from misconceptions, a lot of misconceptions about healing in general, general healing of physical problems and especially mental healing. So, for example, maybe 1700’s, right. Where severe mental illness such as schizophrenia, where they’re having hallucinations and bizarre behaviors that used to be looked upon as demon possessed. And so from those generations and centuries until now, it still has kind of trickled to this modern day of if you have a mental illness and you can’t, quote unquote, shake it off, that something’s wrong with you spiritually.

Gabe Howard: I’m reminded of the Salem witch trials, and in

Dr. Esther Park: Yes.

Gabe Howard: 2020, the majority of people believe that that was just an extreme overreaction based on so many factors, but fear being a primary one. And now here we are in 2020. And I recognize that we’re not burning anybody at the stake. But it’s interesting to me that we’re allowing sort of this misinformation or misconception and this fear of mental illness drive our thinking when the average person in 2020 completely understands that letting fear and misinformation drive our thinking all the way back in Salem was an overreach and an overreaction, it feels like the same thing just with less dire consequences. Except, of course, if you’re a person living with mental illness or mental health issues and you don’t get the treatment and support that you need, you know, death is a very real possibility.

Dr. Esther Park: Right, I totally agree, it’s just a different form now, it’s just more maybe acceptable form today of how people are being viewed or treated whenever they’re struggling, and then that causes people to not share their struggles.

Gabe Howard: Do you feel that the average Christian feels that they can’t seek help because it insults their faith, or is it deeper than that?

Dr. Esther Park: Not about insulting their own faith, it’s about like if I sought help and I find out that I really have a diagnosis or I’m really experiencing something real, then that’s going to prove that I am not a person of true faith or my faith is weaker than others. And they’re very fearful to discover that sometimes. So there’s a great deal of denial and a great deal of I can just beat this with my faith. All I have to do is pray, or all I have to do is go to more worship services. So I think those are the reasons why, rather than a direct insult to the faith professionally, I would say why there’s a stigma. There is such minimal knowledge, the ignorance about physiology and medical background and even psychology. Even the entire field of psychology, there is another misconception just based on the fear that that is not of God. And they think that psychologists or even the theorists of the past are not aligned with God and they just kind of alienate them or marginalize them as opposite of God or atheists. And so I found that very intriguing because I grew up even I think my own dad would talk about Freud or other famous theorists, not that they’re of the devil, but like they’re influenced maybe and did not trust psychology. And maybe people don’t even try to go to a psychologist for fear that, oh, they’re going to change me.

Dr. Esther Park: And if they change me, I’m not going to believe in God. I might be talking really extremely in terms of like what they were thinking. But deep down inside, there is so much fear in going to a psychologist. They don’t know that these are actual neurologically based struggles, for example, major depression, severe anxiety disorders, bipolar, schizophrenia. These are disorders of neurotransmitter imbalances. And they can be treated. On the other hand, on the spiritual level, I’m a firm believer that many have inaccurate understanding about what we call the gospel or the good news. They don’t know the message of the Bible. I think they misconstrue so many things and just pick and choose what they think is the doctrines and then apply it to certain things. For example, have you ever heard of the word legalism? Legalism is a term of based on the law. So, for example, there are laws of God or there’s these traditional laws interpreted as laws of God, and you must obey them. And that’s the only way to please God or get blessings. And therefore, if you don’t, you may get punished. If the mental health issue is considered as a punishment, then they may be experiencing, oh, I must be punished. This must be a consequence of a past wrongdoing. So it’s totally the misconception starts to really take over.

Gabe Howard: It really seems like there’s just a lot of misinformation. What we really have here is a biological brain based disorder that needs medical intervention, medical intervention that can be provided by, for example, Dr. Park. But we start to turn it into more than it is. And throughout history, we’ve had so many examples of this. But I guess my question is both as a doctor and as a Christian, what advice do you have for people who are struggling with this? Because we want people to get the care that they need. We want them to be able to move forward in their lives. And we certainly don’t want something like misinformation or fear to hold them back from leading their best life.

Dr. Esther Park: Absolutely, I just love how you mentioned about leading their best life, many of the talks that we give, whether it be at Christian communities or schools or other places, we emphasize that mental suffering is a blockage, an obstacle to reaching our greatest potentials. And in my opinion, as a Christian, I don’t think God intends for suffering to persist and continue, and he never intends for it to block someone to reach their greatest potential. So my encouragement usually is if there is pain, just like if you have a persistent piercing headache, you wouldn’t just sit on that. You actually would ask the question, why am I having this pain? I don’t like this pain, it’s bothering me. Maybe I should go seek help in the same way when there is an emotional pain or a conflict that is piercing the function of their life, that questions will be asked. They will ask it, why am I having this? But then it stops there. And so my encouragement is to really learn that there is a biological basis. And of course there are psychological issues and sociological issues. And I always add to this community there is a spiritual issue, but you have to address all of them. You can’t just label it as it’s a spiritual issue and I have to pray it off.

Gabe Howard: Let’s take a moment to talk about the role of prayer in recovery, because you’re certainly not saying that prayer has no place, you’re just saying that it won’t work in isolation, much like in many physical illnesses. For example, if you break your leg, nobody is shaming you for praying. They’re just saying that you should also go to a doctor, have your leg set and be put in a cast. Is that analogous to what we’re talking about in mental health as well?

Dr. Esther Park: Yes, I agree, definitely. I’m not saying you don’t need prayer or don’t pray when I think about what God is looking at, He’s like, OK, you want my help? Well, I’m going to give you help. And the help is going to be through someone I send to help you. I feel that prayer has so many roles in the Christian life. So in our everyday struggles, such as physical, mental illnesses, it’s natural to ask God, please help me. And I strongly believe that he has ordained and given gifts and talents to people who can bring that healing, who can bring the medical healing part, and he’ll do the rest.

Gabe Howard: And we’ll be right back after these messages.

Sponsor Message: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We’re back discussing mental illness and the Asian and Christian communities with Dr. Esther Park. One of the things that you talk about being Asian-American is that it’s not just the Christian culture that is struggling with accepting mental health issues, but there’s also cultural issues inside the Asian-American community where, as you put it, they don’t understand or accept mental health issues from a cultural basis that has nothing to do with Christianity. It’s just sort of the culture. These things have a lot in common, right. It’s the same sort of mechanism. Can you speak to that? Because you speak to it very well.

Dr. Esther Park: Yes, the Asian circles have something in common, in my opinion, which is a cultural aspect of not expressing your emotions, feelings and conflicts and struggles, not that they’ll deny that they have those, but if they express that they’re struggling, then it may be a sign of weakness. And then that can lead to the possibility of bringing shame upon the family. In the Asian circles, where collectivism is more dominant than the individualistic viewpoint, I have to maintain the respect of the family. So, for example, if I have a severe mental illness which causes behavioral changes that would be looked upon by others with their eyebrows raised like what’s going on there, then that could actually bring shame. And if I bring shame to the family, then I will devalue my family or I will ruin my family’s name. So I have to do my best to try to avoid the risk of attracting any disrespect or gossip from others outside. Therefore, I need to just buck up and figure this out on my own. It’s a really huge pressure to try to always look OK to look perfect, because if I don’t, then my family won’t and I can’t dishonor my parents that way. I would say for many Asian communities and countries this is what’s going on. And when it comes to illness, mental illness, even more than physical illness, it is kept inside and withdrawn and isolated.

Gabe Howard: Now, some folks may be thinking that this isn’t a Christian issue or a cultural issue, this is just a societal issue, that every culture has this issue accepting mental health or mental illness. Do you think that it’s worse in Christian communities? Do you think it’s the same? Do you think it’s the same mechanism? Do you think it’s a variation of a theme? Because there is an awful lot of discrimination and stigma surrounding mental illness and mental health issues. How does it differ when we have these extra cultural expectations involved?

Dr. Esther Park: I would say there are some overlap and then there are some separate factors for each, but I think the one overlap is, for example, if I confess openly that I am very much in pain, I’m struggling, I need help, like, for example, addictions. That’s something very, very difficult to confess in Bible circles that might prove I’m not a good child to my Asian family. I’ve disappointed my family or it proves I’m not a strong Christian and therefore I just have to live with this addiction and be by myself, just hide it from everyone else. So I would say that is something that describes an overlap regarding, for example, addictions.

Gabe Howard: Short term, what can be done to reduce resistance and to help people in these populations to be more willing to seek and obviously get help and be well?

Dr. Esther Park: For those who come to a center like ours, Oak Health Center, they’re already suffering greatly, they muster up enough courage to come to us. And so initially, the clinicians here, we try to provide what we call psycho education, which is just education regarding psychological factors and psychological illnesses. We talk about the disease state. We talk about what the standard of care of treatment is. We let them know what the past recovery rates have been for others. We tell them that you are not alone. This is not something new. This is something that many others experience. And we are familiar with them. And we talk about the risks and benefits to treatment, about how the benefits outweigh the risks. And slowly, many of them become encouraged because they experience hope and they experience reduction of their original stigmas and their thoughts. And then when they start trying the treatment and they experience some recovery and where their function is improved, not only improve but to the next level where they reach the next level of their potential, they become naturally excited and that will naturally let them share with others. And another way we are trying to reduce that resistance is we’re doing presentations and talks and we bring the awareness to them by speaking on these topics and talking about the specific questions that we know that they have and the misconceptions that they have. I feel that that has helped because after those talks, some who may never have called to get an evaluation, they would call.

Gabe Howard: That’s incredible. Now, let’s talk about long term. Long term, what will it take to remove this stigma entirely in Christian circles? Is it even possible to do so?

Dr. Esther Park: I think it’s possible. In the Christian circles long term, in order to bring more awareness and raise an acceptance, it has to be from the leaders. The leaders probably learn from their predecessors regarding these misconceptions and therefore unintentionally. Maybe they keep that and they continue that. I feel that we need to help leaders to be educated first and reduce their own misconceptions and ignorances so that they will feel comfortable to teach and preach to their congregations in their ministries about these issues because if they bring it up at the front, then there will be a realization that, oh, this is not abnormal or crazy. We’re all going through this and I should pay attention to it. Also, I feel that if they have that acknowledgment and awareness that they are not professionals, but that they are kind of like middle person counselors because so many would go to them with their struggles. Many pastors and leaders, they do their best, they counsel and they pray. But there’s a certain level of illness where they need to be referred for professional care. So that kind of education, awareness and training would be very necessary.

Gabe Howard: Obviously, thank you so much for your candor and can you give us some example of where these stigmas were overcome in the Christian community? Because that gives us hope, right?

Dr. Esther Park: Oh, yes, actually, myself, for example, I began as a family medicine resident and I had this dream of being a doctor and maybe I’ll travel the world and I will be a medical missionary and heal everybody. So I began that way and I realized I utterly disliked the residency. And I had a crisis during that time of my career of, oh, my goodness, I wasn’t supposed to be a doctor. What am I supposed to do now? But during that year, I realized there are other residencies and other specialties and maybe I should consider them. So when I switched to psychiatry, I was somewhat hesitant because I did not know what my parents would say, especially my dad being an Asian Christian pastor. And I was so surprised and encouraged because when I told them about it, I said, Hey, Dad, I’m not going to be a family practice doctor anymore. I’m going to go into psychiatry. And he was actually so excited and he said, of course, you need to be a mental doctor. I’m like, what are you talking about? I thought maybe you wouldn’t think that’s even a real doctor. And his response was, what do you mean? Psychology and psychiatry is the closest to the soul and so many are struggling. You need to help them with their emotional mental disturbances so that they can maybe eventually meet God that way. So that was his response.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much for sharing those and please thank your father for us, because I know that especially in mental health circles, sometimes our families aren’t willing to let us share how our families have evolved, because, as you’ve said, we just try to keep it all internalized to not and I’m making air quotes here embarrass the family. And I think it’s healthy to get it out there and have difficult conversations surrounding mental illness and mental health issues. And I applaud you and your family and all of the work that is being done. It will absolutely save lives.

Dr. Esther Park: Thank you so much.

Gabe Howard: Oh, you’re very welcome. Where can folks find you on the Web?

Dr. Esther Park: Our clinic website is Oak.Care.   W W W dot O A K dot C A R E, and there you will find the list of our locations and what services we provide. And we’re very proud to report that we are direct providers for Aetna and Anthem Blue Cross, which is very important to a lot of people. And may I add one more website? Especially for those who are in the Christian community and struggling, they’re welcome to visit OakHealthFoundation.org. Oak Health Foundation, all in one word dot org, where there they can read about what we do and perhaps after reading that, find encouragement to try to seek help.

Gabe Howard: Well, Dr. Park, thank you so much for being here and for sharing both from a professional level and from a personal one, we really, really appreciate it.

Dr. Esther Park: So glad to be here. Thank you so much, Gabe.

Gabe Howard: Well, you’re very welcome, thank you so much and listen up, listeners, here’s what we need you to do. Please, wherever you downloaded this podcast, please subscribe. That way you don’t miss any great episodes. Share us on social media and use your words. Tell people why they should listen as well. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling any time anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com.  To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

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[brentrogers]

Podcast: Stigma in Christian and Asian Communities

If I come forward with my mental illness, will it shame my family? If I go to a psychiatrist, does it mean I don’t have enough faith to heal myself? While these questions might seem odd to some people, these are very real worries for many in the Asian and Christian communities.

In today’s episode, Dr. Esther Park, who is both Korean and Christian, explains the mental health stigma she has seen in both of these circles. Dr. Park helps clarify these issues and encourages people in these groups to understand the importance of seeking professional help.

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  Guest information for ‘Esther Park – Asian & Christian Stigma’ Podcast Episode

Dr. Park is a board-certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist. Her undergraduate studies were completed at UCLA. She trained to be a physician at Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine. During the first year of her family medicine residency training program, she realized her calling was really in the mental health field. Dr. Park completed her psychiatric training at the LAC/USC Medical Center and has more than seventeen years of outpatient clinical experience treating children and adults.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Esther Park – Asian & Christian Stigma’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of The Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Dr. Esther Park, who is a board certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist. Dr. Park completed her psychiatric training at the LAC/USC Medical Center and has more than 17 years of outpatient clinical experience treating adults and children. Dr. Park, welcome to the show.

Dr. Esther Park: Oh, it’s such a pleasure. Thank you for inviting me.

Gabe Howard: Well, we are really excited to have you here because we want to talk about the stigma of mental health in the Christian and Asian communities. So let’s jump right in. Why is there stigma around mental health in many Christian circles?

Dr. Esther Park: This is an area where I’m very familiar. I grew up my father was a Presbyterian minister from Korea as a first generation Korean moving here to the United States. And I was born here. So I’m a US born Korean American. So I got to see just what it’s like to grow up in a church, actually, Korean church. I believe that the stigma comes from misconceptions, a lot of misconceptions about healing in general, general healing of physical problems and especially mental healing. So, for example, maybe 1700’s, right. Where severe mental illness such as schizophrenia, where they’re having hallucinations and bizarre behaviors that used to be looked upon as demon possessed. And so from those generations and centuries until now, it still has kind of trickled to this modern day of if you have a mental illness and you can’t, quote unquote, shake it off, that something’s wrong with you spiritually.

Gabe Howard: I’m reminded of the Salem witch trials, and in

Dr. Esther Park: Yes.

Gabe Howard: 2020, the majority of people believe that that was just an extreme overreaction based on so many factors, but fear being a primary one. And now here we are in 2020. And I recognize that we’re not burning anybody at the stake. But it’s interesting to me that we’re allowing sort of this misinformation or misconception and this fear of mental illness drive our thinking when the average person in 2020 completely understands that letting fear and misinformation drive our thinking all the way back in Salem was an overreach and an overreaction, it feels like the same thing just with less dire consequences. Except, of course, if you’re a person living with mental illness or mental health issues and you don’t get the treatment and support that you need, you know, death is a very real possibility.

Dr. Esther Park: Right, I totally agree, it’s just a different form now, it’s just more maybe acceptable form today of how people are being viewed or treated whenever they’re struggling, and then that causes people to not share their struggles.

Gabe Howard: Do you feel that the average Christian feels that they can’t seek help because it insults their faith, or is it deeper than that?

Dr. Esther Park: Not about insulting their own faith, it’s about like if I sought help and I find out that I really have a diagnosis or I’m really experiencing something real, then that’s going to prove that I am not a person of true faith or my faith is weaker than others. And they’re very fearful to discover that sometimes. So there’s a great deal of denial and a great deal of I can just beat this with my faith. All I have to do is pray, or all I have to do is go to more worship services. So I think those are the reasons why, rather than a direct insult to the faith professionally, I would say why there’s a stigma. There is such minimal knowledge, the ignorance about physiology and medical background and even psychology. Even the entire field of psychology, there is another misconception just based on the fear that that is not of God. And they think that psychologists or even the theorists of the past are not aligned with God and they just kind of alienate them or marginalize them as opposite of God or atheists. And so I found that very intriguing because I grew up even I think my own dad would talk about Freud or other famous theorists, not that they’re of the devil, but like they’re influenced maybe and did not trust psychology. And maybe people don’t even try to go to a psychologist for fear that, oh, they’re going to change me.

Dr. Esther Park: And if they change me, I’m not going to believe in God. I might be talking really extremely in terms of like what they were thinking. But deep down inside, there is so much fear in going to a psychologist. They don’t know that these are actual neurologically based struggles, for example, major depression, severe anxiety disorders, bipolar, schizophrenia. These are disorders of neurotransmitter imbalances. And they can be treated. On the other hand, on the spiritual level, I’m a firm believer that many have inaccurate understanding about what we call the gospel or the good news. They don’t know the message of the Bible. I think they misconstrue so many things and just pick and choose what they think is the doctrines and then apply it to certain things. For example, have you ever heard of the word legalism? Legalism is a term of based on the law. So, for example, there are laws of God or there’s these traditional laws interpreted as laws of God, and you must obey them. And that’s the only way to please God or get blessings. And therefore, if you don’t, you may get punished. If the mental health issue is considered as a punishment, then they may be experiencing, oh, I must be punished. This must be a consequence of a past wrongdoing. So it’s totally the misconception starts to really take over.

Gabe Howard: It really seems like there’s just a lot of misinformation. What we really have here is a biological brain based disorder that needs medical intervention, medical intervention that can be provided by, for example, Dr. Park. But we start to turn it into more than it is. And throughout history, we’ve had so many examples of this. But I guess my question is both as a doctor and as a Christian, what advice do you have for people who are struggling with this? Because we want people to get the care that they need. We want them to be able to move forward in their lives. And we certainly don’t want something like misinformation or fear to hold them back from leading their best life.

Dr. Esther Park: Absolutely, I just love how you mentioned about leading their best life, many of the talks that we give, whether it be at Christian communities or schools or other places, we emphasize that mental suffering is a blockage, an obstacle to reaching our greatest potentials. And in my opinion, as a Christian, I don’t think God intends for suffering to persist and continue, and he never intends for it to block someone to reach their greatest potential. So my encouragement usually is if there is pain, just like if you have a persistent piercing headache, you wouldn’t just sit on that. You actually would ask the question, why am I having this pain? I don’t like this pain, it’s bothering me. Maybe I should go seek help in the same way when there is an emotional pain or a conflict that is piercing the function of their life, that questions will be asked. They will ask it, why am I having this? But then it stops there. And so my encouragement is to really learn that there is a biological basis. And of course there are psychological issues and sociological issues. And I always add to this community there is a spiritual issue, but you have to address all of them. You can’t just label it as it’s a spiritual issue and I have to pray it off.

Gabe Howard: Let’s take a moment to talk about the role of prayer in recovery, because you’re certainly not saying that prayer has no place, you’re just saying that it won’t work in isolation, much like in many physical illnesses. For example, if you break your leg, nobody is shaming you for praying. They’re just saying that you should also go to a doctor, have your leg set and be put in a cast. Is that analogous to what we’re talking about in mental health as well?

Dr. Esther Park: Yes, I agree, definitely. I’m not saying you don’t need prayer or don’t pray when I think about what God is looking at, He’s like, OK, you want my help? Well, I’m going to give you help. And the help is going to be through someone I send to help you. I feel that prayer has so many roles in the Christian life. So in our everyday struggles, such as physical, mental illnesses, it’s natural to ask God, please help me. And I strongly believe that he has ordained and given gifts and talents to people who can bring that healing, who can bring the medical healing part, and he’ll do the rest.

Gabe Howard: And we’ll be right back after these messages.

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Gabe Howard: We’re back discussing mental illness and the Asian and Christian communities with Dr. Esther Park. One of the things that you talk about being Asian-American is that it’s not just the Christian culture that is struggling with accepting mental health issues, but there’s also cultural issues inside the Asian-American community where, as you put it, they don’t understand or accept mental health issues from a cultural basis that has nothing to do with Christianity. It’s just sort of the culture. These things have a lot in common, right. It’s the same sort of mechanism. Can you speak to that? Because you speak to it very well.

Dr. Esther Park: Yes, the Asian circles have something in common, in my opinion, which is a cultural aspect of not expressing your emotions, feelings and conflicts and struggles, not that they’ll deny that they have those, but if they express that they’re struggling, then it may be a sign of weakness. And then that can lead to the possibility of bringing shame upon the family. In the Asian circles, where collectivism is more dominant than the individualistic viewpoint, I have to maintain the respect of the family. So, for example, if I have a severe mental illness which causes behavioral changes that would be looked upon by others with their eyebrows raised like what’s going on there, then that could actually bring shame. And if I bring shame to the family, then I will devalue my family or I will ruin my family’s name. So I have to do my best to try to avoid the risk of attracting any disrespect or gossip from others outside. Therefore, I need to just buck up and figure this out on my own. It’s a really huge pressure to try to always look OK to look perfect, because if I don’t, then my family won’t and I can’t dishonor my parents that way. I would say for many Asian communities and countries this is what’s going on. And when it comes to illness, mental illness, even more than physical illness, it is kept inside and withdrawn and isolated.

Gabe Howard: Now, some folks may be thinking that this isn’t a Christian issue or a cultural issue, this is just a societal issue, that every culture has this issue accepting mental health or mental illness. Do you think that it’s worse in Christian communities? Do you think it’s the same? Do you think it’s the same mechanism? Do you think it’s a variation of a theme? Because there is an awful lot of discrimination and stigma surrounding mental illness and mental health issues. How does it differ when we have these extra cultural expectations involved?

Dr. Esther Park: I would say there are some overlap and then there are some separate factors for each, but I think the one overlap is, for example, if I confess openly that I am very much in pain, I’m struggling, I need help, like, for example, addictions. That’s something very, very difficult to confess in Bible circles that might prove I’m not a good child to my Asian family. I’ve disappointed my family or it proves I’m not a strong Christian and therefore I just have to live with this addiction and be by myself, just hide it from everyone else. So I would say that is something that describes an overlap regarding, for example, addictions.

Gabe Howard: Short term, what can be done to reduce resistance and to help people in these populations to be more willing to seek and obviously get help and be well?

Dr. Esther Park: For those who come to a center like ours, Oak Health Center, they’re already suffering greatly, they muster up enough courage to come to us. And so initially, the clinicians here, we try to provide what we call psycho education, which is just education regarding psychological factors and psychological illnesses. We talk about the disease state. We talk about what the standard of care of treatment is. We let them know what the past recovery rates have been for others. We tell them that you are not alone. This is not something new. This is something that many others experience. And we are familiar with them. And we talk about the risks and benefits to treatment, about how the benefits outweigh the risks. And slowly, many of them become encouraged because they experience hope and they experience reduction of their original stigmas and their thoughts. And then when they start trying the treatment and they experience some recovery and where their function is improved, not only improve but to the next level where they reach the next level of their potential, they become naturally excited and that will naturally let them share with others. And another way we are trying to reduce that resistance is we’re doing presentations and talks and we bring the awareness to them by speaking on these topics and talking about the specific questions that we know that they have and the misconceptions that they have. I feel that that has helped because after those talks, some who may never have called to get an evaluation, they would call.

Gabe Howard: That’s incredible. Now, let’s talk about long term. Long term, what will it take to remove this stigma entirely in Christian circles? Is it even possible to do so?

Dr. Esther Park: I think it’s possible. In the Christian circles long term, in order to bring more awareness and raise an acceptance, it has to be from the leaders. The leaders probably learn from their predecessors regarding these misconceptions and therefore unintentionally. Maybe they keep that and they continue that. I feel that we need to help leaders to be educated first and reduce their own misconceptions and ignorances so that they will feel comfortable to teach and preach to their congregations in their ministries about these issues because if they bring it up at the front, then there will be a realization that, oh, this is not abnormal or crazy. We’re all going through this and I should pay attention to it. Also, I feel that if they have that acknowledgment and awareness that they are not professionals, but that they are kind of like middle person counselors because so many would go to them with their struggles. Many pastors and leaders, they do their best, they counsel and they pray. But there’s a certain level of illness where they need to be referred for professional care. So that kind of education, awareness and training would be very necessary.

Gabe Howard: Obviously, thank you so much for your candor and can you give us some example of where these stigmas were overcome in the Christian community? Because that gives us hope, right?

Dr. Esther Park: Oh, yes, actually, myself, for example, I began as a family medicine resident and I had this dream of being a doctor and maybe I’ll travel the world and I will be a medical missionary and heal everybody. So I began that way and I realized I utterly disliked the residency. And I had a crisis during that time of my career of, oh, my goodness, I wasn’t supposed to be a doctor. What am I supposed to do now? But during that year, I realized there are other residencies and other specialties and maybe I should consider them. So when I switched to psychiatry, I was somewhat hesitant because I did not know what my parents would say, especially my dad being an Asian Christian pastor. And I was so surprised and encouraged because when I told them about it, I said, Hey, Dad, I’m not going to be a family practice doctor anymore. I’m going to go into psychiatry. And he was actually so excited and he said, of course, you need to be a mental doctor. I’m like, what are you talking about? I thought maybe you wouldn’t think that’s even a real doctor. And his response was, what do you mean? Psychology and psychiatry is the closest to the soul and so many are struggling. You need to help them with their emotional mental disturbances so that they can maybe eventually meet God that way. So that was his response.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much for sharing those and please thank your father for us, because I know that especially in mental health circles, sometimes our families aren’t willing to let us share how our families have evolved, because, as you’ve said, we just try to keep it all internalized to not and I’m making air quotes here embarrass the family. And I think it’s healthy to get it out there and have difficult conversations surrounding mental illness and mental health issues. And I applaud you and your family and all of the work that is being done. It will absolutely save lives.

Dr. Esther Park: Thank you so much.

Gabe Howard: Oh, you’re very welcome. Where can folks find you on the Web?

Dr. Esther Park: Our clinic website is Oak.Care.   W W W dot O A K dot C A R E, and there you will find the list of our locations and what services we provide. And we’re very proud to report that we are direct providers for Aetna and Anthem Blue Cross, which is very important to a lot of people. And may I add one more website? Especially for those who are in the Christian community and struggling, they’re welcome to visit OakHealthFoundation.org. Oak Health Foundation, all in one word dot org, where there they can read about what we do and perhaps after reading that, find encouragement to try to seek help.

Gabe Howard: Well, Dr. Park, thank you so much for being here and for sharing both from a professional level and from a personal one, we really, really appreciate it.

Dr. Esther Park: So glad to be here. Thank you so much, Gabe.

Gabe Howard: Well, you’re very welcome, thank you so much and listen up, listeners, here’s what we need you to do. Please, wherever you downloaded this podcast, please subscribe. That way you don’t miss any great episodes. Share us on social media and use your words. Tell people why they should listen as well. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling any time anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com.  To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

  Podcast: Stigma in Christian and Asian Communities syndicated from

[revpauljbern]

Commentary this week with Author Rev. Paul J. Bern

Those Who Sugarcoat the Bible's Truths

Dilute Its Message and Cheat Their Congregations

by Pastor Paul J. Bern

For better viewing on phones, tablets or my website, click here :-)

The Bible is a gritty book. It's very raw and very real. It deals with people just like us, just as needy and screwed up as we are, encountering a God who would rather die (which He already has, only to rise again) than spend eternity without us. Yet despite that, it seems like some Christians are uncomfortable with how earthy the Bible really can be. Although the Spirituality of the Bible through the belief in the Holy Spirit is the foundation of all the Scriptures (with Jesus Christ being the cornerstone), the Bible has a way of being just as earthy as a day of doing yard work around the house (if you're lucky enough to still own one of those). But there are others who feel the need to sanitize God by making his Word 'politically correct'. God has already instilled true correctness within each of us because He alone is our source and our strength.

For example, look in any modern translation of Isaiah 64:6, and you’ll find that, to a holy God, even our most righteous acts are like “filthy rags”, as the sanitized King James says. But the original Greek and Hebrew didn’t say “filthy rags”, it said “menstrual rags.” That sounded a little too crass to the Bible's 17th century English translators, so they just relabeled it 'filthy' instead to sugar-coat it. Jesus was naked when He was hanging on that cross, he wasn't wearing an adult diaper like some denominations portray him. The apostle Paul said that he considered his good deeds “a pile of garbage” in Philippians 3:8 rather than human waste, as the original Hebrew and Greek were more accurately translated. Oh yeah, and let’s definitely not mention the ten commandments in the Old Testament. That might be unpopular. Never mind that between the books of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy there are a total of 630 of them. That could expose people as being the sinners that we all truly are. God forbid!

The point? God’s message was not meant to be run through some arbitrary, holier-than-thou politeness filter. God couldn't care less about political correctness, and I feel the same way. When I open my mouth, I don't care if anybody 'likes' me or not. While I care a great deal about keeping my readers supplied with the very best posts I can produce, it's more important to earn respect than to be simply admired. And so it is with God. He intended the Bible to speak to people where they’re at, caught up in the stark reality of life on a fractured and slowly dying planet.

There are dozens of Psalms that are complaints and heart-wrenching cries of despair to God, not holy-sounding, reverently worded soliloquies. Take Psalm 77:1-3: “I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help”. Psalm 4 verse 1 says, “Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.”

Rather than shy away from difficult and painful topics, the Old Testament includes vivid descriptions of murder, cannibalism, witchcraft, dismemberment, torture, rape, idolatry, deviant sex practices, plus human and animal sacrifices. According to the apostle Paul, those stories were written as examples and warnings for us, as he wrote: “These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except that which is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it.” (1st Corinthians 10, verses 11-13).

So obviously these graphic stories were meant to be retold without editing out all the things we don’t consider nice or agreeable. I have gradually arrived at the conclusion over time that the Scriptures include such graphic material to show how far we as the sum of humanity have fallen and how far God was willing to come to rescue us from ourselves. God is much more interested in honesty than piety, and in our Spirituality rather than religiosity. And that’s what He gives us throughout Scripture by telling the stories of people who struggled with the same issues, questions and temptations we face today. “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” (Romans 3, verses 10-12)

Peter struggled with doubt and with a bad temper, and we read all about it when Jesus is arrested at Gethsemane (see John 18: 10-11). Elijah dealt with depression; Naomi raged with bitterness against God; Hannah struggled for years under the burden of her unanswered prayers. David had an affair and then arranged to have his lover’s husband killed in battle. Noah was a drunk, and Moses was on the run from a murder charge when God called him. Even Job came to a place where he found it necessary to make a covenant with his eyes not to lust after young girls (Job 31:1).

Was it not Jesus who said, “I have come not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance”? It's all a matter of priorities. “I desire mercy”, Jesus said, “not sacrifice” (Matt. 9: 12-13). Don't boast to God about how often you attend church, or how much you “tithe” each week. Never mind your rituals, Jesus was saying. Tell me about how much you did for others whether they deserved it or not. I want to know how well you treated others, and I want to know what you did to make a positive difference in their lives. That's all that matters in the end.

It’s easy to make “Bible heroes” (as Protestants might say) or “saints” (as Catholics might refer to them) out to be bigger than life, immune from the temptations that everyone else faces. I find it encouraging that Jesus never came across as being pious or condescending. In fact, he was never accused of being too religious; instead he partied so much that he was accused of being a drunkard and a glutton because he was perceived as associating with “sinners” (Matthew 11:19). His first miracle was changing water into wine, and it is documented in all four gospels that wine was served and consumed at the Last Supper. So, people who insist that one must be a teetotaler to go to heaven when they die are not only incorrect, they are judging people they don't even know.

Jesus never said, “The Kingdom of God is like a church service that goes on and on forever and never ends.” Our church services can't hold a candle to what heaven will be like. Jesus promised us that heaven would be like a homecoming celebration, an enormous block party, and a wedding feast to which all are invited, all at the same time! This idea was too radical for the religious leaders during the time of Christ, and in some cases it still is. There are too many churches today who are more concerned about vain traditions and pompous religious rituals that aren't even in the Bible than they are about partying with Jesus. And that’s why they missed out. That’s why many of us still miss out today.

Pardon me, pastor, but did you say 'party with Jesus'? Yeah, I sure did. By the same token, I am well aware that there are some individuals who simply cannot touch alcoholic beverages at all, and I understand that completely. There are others who abstain by choice, and I have no problem with that whatsoever. I'm only saying that I don't think it's a sin to drink unless it is done to excess. Following Jesus is far more than just being dutiful or subservient, it is richly rewarding and exhilarating. Plus, the feeling we will get once we arrive in heaven is far superior to any man-made beverage!

According to Jesus, the truly spiritual life is one marked by freedom rather than compulsion (“So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed”. John 8: 36), and by love rather than ritual (“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these. 'Well said, teacher' the man replied. 'You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but Him. To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices'.” (Mark 12: 30-33).

Another hallmark of a Christ follower is a truly Spiritual life focused on peace rather than guilt (“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14: 27). Jesus saves us from the dry, dusty duties of religion and frees us to cut loose and celebrate. I don’t believe we’ll ever recognize our need for the light until we’ve seen the depth of the darkness. God himself wasn’t afraid to get down and dirty with us about life and temptation and forgiveness and grace. Only when the Bible seems relevant to us (which is essential), only when the characters seem real to us (and they certainly were); only then will the message of redemption become personal for us as it was always meant to be.

We don’t need to edit God. It's our brains and our hearts that need a good editing. We need to let Him be the author and the editor of our new lives and the construction superintendent for our (hopefully rapidly) growing and expanding faith. The time is getting short, people, very short indeed. It's time for all of us to lead more Spiritual lives, because Jesus will be returning soon, and at a time when you least expect him. The stakes are where we will spend eternity, and there is no more serious subject than that.

[cyberdelusionphilosopher-blog]

Cheapest Car Insurance For Me?

"Cheapest Car Insurance For Me?

I currently have commerce insurance company. I drive a Nissan Versa Hatchback 2011 I have been a licensed driver for the past 8 years without accidents or tickets I am looking for the cheapest auto insurance I can get I am currently financing my car for the next 5 years just to build on credit. I would like for you to let me know what I should. Oh I am also on my own and paying rent on a two family home I pay all my bills on time so there is no issues I have Three jobs and one of them being my full time job. Thanks

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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When you car is totaled and you have full insurance coverage...?

What does your insurance company do with the wrecked car? do they take it and put it in a junkyard or do they let you keep whats left of it, or what?""

Cheapest Car Insurance For Me?

I currently have commerce insurance company. I drive a Nissan Versa Hatchback 2011 I have been a licensed driver for the past 8 years without accidents or tickets I am looking for the cheapest auto insurance I can get I am currently financing my car for the next 5 years just to build on credit. I would like for you to let me know what I should. Oh I am also on my own and paying rent on a two family home I pay all my bills on time so there is no issues I have Three jobs and one of them being my full time job. Thanks

Question about SR22 insurance in NJ?

My live in fiance just got a DWI. I'm trying to plan ahead regarding the car insurance situation and I was wondering.....Currently he is a driver on my policy. If he gets his own policy and I keep the policy I currently have, are MY rates going to go sky high also? Am I just better off joining the assigned risk pool with him? Also, I know that a DWI is 9 insurance points for 3 years. Does that mean after 3 years they will be gone? Does the 3 years start when the SR22 is filed or does it start on the date of the DWI conviction?""

I need advice for my auto insurance claim! Please help!!?

I was in a car accident 4 days ago. My Mother was the passenger in my car (I was driving). I was on the off ramp getting off the freeway. All cars behind me were stopped. I was stopped waiting to make a right turn. An emergency vehicle was coming in my direction from my left. Therefore, I was waiting for the emergency vehicle to pass. The person behind me (large dodge ram truck I am in an '08 2 door Infiniti coupe) thought I went so he 'gunned it' to get in front of the emergency vehicle. Unfortunately, we had not gone so he pushed my vehicle out in front of the emergency vehicle. Luckily, I was able to turn my car out of the way. I did not hit anyone (no one was in front of me). My Mother and I were both put into a gurney and taken to a local hospital in an ambulance. We both had our seat belts on and suffered whiplash. We were released 5-6 hours later after x-rays, etc. We were both prescribed medicine. My Mother has had 3 brain tumors and has trouble with her speech etc. and any violent startling trauma can get her shaken up pretty badly and confused. I know she hit her head but, she is in pain but not nearly as much as I am. With my Mother's condition I don't know if this kind of thing can have negative effects later on. I know that my neck and back is pretty messed up. It hurts to stand for after 15 minutes or so. My car is pretty messed up and had to be towed. I plan on taking it back to the Infiniti shop to get all new parts. My car has all the upgrades in it so I want it to be taken care of. Am I allowed to take it to the Infiniti dealership or will Geico (the other persons insurance) not allow that, or does it not matter? The police gave the guy that hit us a citation. I have USAA and the other person has Geico. I just want to know exactly what to do in this situation. Since I'm out a car (I work for myself) I have been out (already) a decent amount of money for not being able to meet up with my clients. I spoke to my insurance today and they said that all my medical is covered since I had that already in my plan (without it raising my premium) and that I should get a settlement ON TOP of paying for damages to my car and getting me a rental, etc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to get taken for a ride. I've heard the horror stories of dealing with insurance companies. Any advice on what I should make a point of saying to the other insurance company, etc. Thanks in advance....""

How to buy auto insurance with a permit? (CA)?

So I got my learners permit recently. My household does not own a car so mine would be the first. Because neither one of my parents hold a license, I would be practicing with other people and so the car would be to not risk damaging someone else's and get used to driving it for my driving test later in the year. I was wondering if it is possible to buy insurance under these conditions and if it would affect the price of the insurance.""

What is the difference between comprehensive and third party car insurance and which one is more beneficial?

What is the difference between comprehensive and third party car insurance and which one is better. I have a 2005 wagon r lxi and wants to renew the insurance which one should i opt for.?

Insurance and Driver License MN?

I just started my policy with 21 insurance and I moved from home to my grandma to now to chaska. Which is closer for work. Im getting a new driver license. But I told the insurance company my old address since I didn't get the new card for driver license. Is this bad will my rate go up ? I told the insurance company I work 3 days a week and its 45 min one way. But now im closer to work.

I'm trying to get life insurance for myself and my son. what company offer best benefit?

where from los angeles, ca. i never smoke...don't drink alcohol.. and what things that i should know for getting life insurance? and what is the best coverage? advice pls?""

How much will insurance be for me?

Hi! I'm 16 years old and I'm about to get my drivers license. I was wondering if anyone knew how much insurance will turn out to be? I heard there was a good student discount? Is that true? I'd be driving an 07 Honda

How old must you be to have classic car insurance?

is their any age you have to be for classic car insurance as i have been looking to buy a ford xr3i and i am 17

What is the least expensive auto insurance company?

Currently have geico...

Car Insurance for a 40 year old..eek?

I have just passed my test but I am going on 40 (I know, im a bit late). However the insurance is about 1800 per year. Although I have just passed I thought I would be a bit cheaper than a 18 year old. Am i looking in the wrong place? At this rate I will never be on the road.""

Expensive insurance. why?

I've never been in an accident or recieved a ticket before so why is my insurance so expensive. Yes I am male but I am 25 ... It should have become cheaper a while ago but I'm paying about 50$ more a month than all of my friends and some have the same company.. I have liabillity as well.. how much cheaper should your insurance be if you never been ticketed or been In a crash? Thanks.

How much is Liability insurance on a 16 year old's car?

How much would it be if i wanted to get Liability insurance on a car?

I am 18 years old. I want to improve my credit score by buying a vehicle. INSURANCE PROBLEMS!!!!!?

I know ican get approved for a vehicle but insurance for a teenage male is un-godly cheapest is 650 a month, is it possible to buy a vehicle in my name, but have insurance over it under my fathers insurance policy?""

Will my insurance go up?

Yesterday somebody reversed into my parked car, she was completely at fault, if we decide to go through her insurance will my car insurance also go up? I'm 19 years old and just concerned due to the already ridiculous price of insurance.""

Do you have to pay for insurance when you start a driving job?

A staffing agency is requiring me to pay a $150 refundable deductible before I start the job, does this sound legit?""

Can't afford college Health Insurance...?

I need some type of advice regarding my options. I feel like i've hit a dead end. I have a 4.0 and financial aid, however my state requires student have health insurance... and the only insurance my school offers is over $80 a week on top of the $85 a week lab fees, dr visits, and meds because I have a severe blood disorder and need to go get my blood check every week. I also have specialist visits once a month. I have medicaid right now and if I go to school at all I will lose it and I can't afford the student insurance. It would total up to be more than my rent each month not to mention they don't cover pre-existing conditions. I feel totally hopeless. I'm willing to move to another state if necessary where insurance is more affordable. I just really wanted to go to medical school and now I feel like my future is shot all because I'm not healthy.... Also, i can't take out a loan because i don't have credit being so young and although I was born in this country and my parents were from here, they relocated to a foreign country so they can't help me either.""

Where can I find cheap motorcycle insurance in florida?

I am looking to finanace a bike, and need to find some insurance. Most of the quotes I have gotten have been at least $400 a month. I am trying to find something a lot cheaper. Do you have to have full coverage when financing or can you just get basic coverage like collision or something like that?""

State Farm Insurance Policies?

How old do you have to be to get your own car insurance with state farm?

""Car Insurance for young drivers, first car. Helpppp!!!?""

I passed my driving test 3 months ago, my sister passed hers last week, we're both 19. We are now looking for a small, cheap car to share, with one of us being the main driver and an additional named driver. We've looked at a KA 1.3 ltr engine 2003 W reg 3 door hatchback. After getting quotes from a few companies it's clearly going to be expensive to get insured. Could anybody please point me in the right direction for affordable insurance for young drivers?! Thankyou!""

Can a cop ticket you for no insurance if the car is not yours?

My dad lend me his car....but im not in his insurance because i dont live with him. If a cop stops me can he give me a ticket for no insurance? I live in Texas by the way.

Who sells the cheapest auto insurance online? Thank you in advance.?

Who sells the cheapest auto insurance online? Thank you in advance.?

Car insurance websites and Brokers? What's your suggestion?

About to hit that time of the year where the dreaded Car insurance renewal occurs. Just wanting your opinions on what would your best websites, brokers, advice will be for insurance. Who? Where? Pricecomaprison websites? discuss and help me in the process : ) Many thanks Incidently im 23 and have a 1.6vetec Honda Civic""

I just moved out of my parents house. i need car insurance?

i need a good company to get car insurance from. Any Suggestions??

Is having health insurance and Homeowner's insurance a sin in Islam?

In the US, Obama just passed his new healthcare bill that requires all Americans to get health insurance, and fines them a penalty if they refuse - but Muslims are exempt from this because they said that having health insurance is not allowed in Islam. Is that true? If so, what do you do when you get sick....how do you pay for the medical treatment? Also, the news mentioned that having homeowner's insurance isn't allowed either...but here in the US, you can't get a mortgage unless you get homeowner's insurance. I mean, if you didn't have it, and say, your house burned down, you would loose everything. Do most Muslims who live in the US have insurance anyway, even if it isn't allowed?""

Cheap car insurance for 17 year old?

Where can I get car insurance for under 1000? Thanks x

Cheapest Car Insurance For Me?

I currently have commerce insurance company. I drive a Nissan Versa Hatchback 2011 I have been a licensed driver for the past 8 years without accidents or tickets I am looking for the cheapest auto insurance I can get I am currently financing my car for the next 5 years just to build on credit. I would like for you to let me know what I should. Oh I am also on my own and paying rent on a two family home I pay all my bills on time so there is no issues I have Three jobs and one of them being my full time job. Thanks

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/rear-end-collision-maximizing-insurance-payout-leon-weiss"