#i still think 2022 is about to start im always taken aback by next year being 2023

[lovedlovingly]

it's insane how internalized misogyny still rules me, the curse i inherited from my family is absolutely not broken but it has become lighter. i wish i learnt something more from my mom than "please a(ny) man at every turn or he will leave u - and that happening is worse than death" as if it hasn't almost killed me and left me dead having to please men.... (also AS IF that was a solid recipe to make anyone stay as if they're worth having around only for that) i don't wish this life upon me. and idc for my mom because she still wishes it upon herself and me so like, she can sort herself out i won't forgive her til she does and then still maybe not.

sitting down with myself rn and I feel like i haven't learnt anything this year about moving forward and wanting better for myself, just better @ handling when i get screwed over. and that's just sad. it just means it'll happen again til i learn, and I'm too tired for that.... but where do i start the change? how do i break it? how does every fiber and molecule in my body change into stop believing the false truth. it's so fucking harddddddd. life should be easier. and i should love myself more and want better for myself. it's just hard when it's so hard to find better aswell 😅

i feel like i should be able to find good ppl to practice green flags with, not just to figure out why this person yet again was a red flag. like i get that i need to say no to more ppl in my life and shut the door sooner, but holy fuck it's hard when the only other option is being lonely. not just alone but lonely. wheres the [lesson] in that? "better alone than in bad company" cool in theory pretty sad after 30y

what i did do in 2022 was change out my whole friend group tho. i was so tired of being taken for granted, money time energy emotionally etc. and being told "you'll always be there for me anyways:)" like idk. yeah i need to cut out ppl sooner and I'm still feeling the bitterness negative effects of staying around those ppl for way too long! so now i need to untangle that as well! and the ppl I've found this year are so much better cuter and calmer - and i love it and at the same time it's hard to be both present and grieve what's been.

one positive thing is that i have been able to stop overthinking e v e r y t h i n g this year, go more on feeling a little more on "be the friend u wanna have" (when there's energy fuck i hate being sick) and I've actually challenged my paranoia which is a bit calmer now. for the first time since i was like 11. so have I done work this year? and especially fighting for my physical health both energy time and wallet wise? yes.

am i still exhausted and sad that i don't feel I've personally changed enough to not be so hungry for any new interaction i could possibly make? yes. am i still going insane over hearing a cishet guy go "i think I'm ready for a relationship, i mean I'm fit and I'm kinda funny" and those were his only highlights KWNWKENEL when I've turned myself inside and out to [become the best person for myself and someone else and a possible future family] but again misogyny creeps into that. that my only worth is what i can give.

if there's something i have learnt this year tho, it's that I'm so easy to love. some ppl just want to take advantage of it and then get bored when they notice i stay lovable. and its a them problem. I'm not gonna take responsibility for that anymore. one cursed chain broken. but it feels far from enough in the bigger picture