#i still scold myself for being weak & having that rice crispy treat
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#silence bottom#personal#ok listen i dont have a full-blown eating disorder#but i for suuure have disordered eating habits#bc of this i have lost a lot of weight the past two years#so while i know my relationship with my body & food is toxic#i cant help but feel like its worth it bc i like my body a lot more now#i gained new insecurities & the body dysmorphia is off thr charts when im not looking in a mirror#but......now for the first time in my life i wear size small clothes#its hard to deny the euphoria that knowledge brings#i know even my compromise to do my best to not fall into caloric deficit still isnt great#but its not at an eating disorder level yknow?#i dont count calories but i do worry about how many vitamins im getting#i worry about my sugar intake#which are both good & normal things to consider when eating#but im not approaching it from a looking out for my health perspective but purely a vanity one#all the 'good' things im doing such as getting more exercise are kinda tainted by my intention#all of this is to say: i just weighed myself and i gained almost 3 lbs in the couple weeks i last did#logically ik thats normal esp after i had a big bowl of spaghetti a few hours prior#but i still feel ashamed of myself#i still scold myself for being weak & having that rice crispy treat#for being lazy and skipping my workout#i just wish i had someone who understood my feelings & didnt make me feel guilty for them#but also didnt permit me to encourage my habits to turn into a proper eating disorder#bc i feel like im well on my way#and the only thing keeping me from it is my vanity bc the consequences an ED has on ur appearance isnt great.....#like how pathetic is that?#not ur well-being not ur longevity but how *pretty* i am????#christ alive.....#tw eating issues
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