#i still quote this video over a decade later

[justsomeguycore]

does the mad scottish girl know what a mark she made on my heart and also vocabulary

[viking-raider]

Sy's Therapy Barn

Summary: Austin Syverson is newly retired from the Army and struggling to cope with his PTSD. Until he decides to take a chance on a hobby, most wouldn't think could help, and the person there to help teach him how to do it.

Pairing: Syverson/Reader

Word Count: 5k

Rating: M - Quick-Burn, Language, Angst, Fluff, Mentions of PTSD, Combat Fatigue, Trauma, Wine drinking, Flirting, Support System, Movie Quotes, Leap of Faith, Mentions (but no depictions) of Mental Illness, Domestic Violence, Alcoholism, SMUT - Light, P in V

Inspiration: I saw this Instagram video of a handsome, buff gentleman that ran a pottery business and promoted it on the site.

Author’s Note: I hope you enjoyed it. I am so sorry to any Pottery people for butchering it.

Syverson wouldn't lie, even though he had thought the hobby was stupid, the first time he thought about it. But, upon seeing a poster at an outdoor market he had decided to attend one, warm Dallas weekend, to get out of the house. Something inside of Sy had urged him to save the number in his phone, before finding the ale stand.

It wasn't until almost a month later, after waking up in the dead of night. He laid curled up in a ball, hugging his knees and struggling to breath. With the blankets and pillows thrown off the king-sized bed, and the black fitted sheet beneath him drenched in his sweat. Aika pressed against his back and whimpering at her owner's distress. It was then that Sy knew he needed something more, other than just denial, the gun range and booze to deal with his PTSD and Combat Fatigue.

He wasn't about to go sit down on some squeaky metal, folding chair, in the basement of some random religious church, listening to other Vets talk about their combat experience. Everyone nodding their heads and offering sympathy and the Word of God. Sy had stopped believing in God over a decade ago. Because, how could some magical man in the sky, with some grand plan for you, before and after you died, allow such bullshit evil into the world.

He didn't want sympathy, far from it.

Austin Syverson, also didn't do sympathy.

So, he pulled up the number from the outdoor market and gave the business a call.

“Mini's Pottery Haven, how can I help you?” A cheery voice chimed on the other end.

Sy let out a hard breath. “Hi, I saw your poster at a market, a couple weeks ago, for a pottery class.” He said, rubbing a palm over his buzzed head, feeling stupid for calling a pottery business, thinking it would help him, in any way, with his trauma. “I was wondering, if you're still doing classes?”

“Yes, we are!” She confirmed, happily. “We have one tonight, with two spots left, if you'd like to join it.”

“Oh!” Sy started, surprised, not expecting one so soon, hoping for a day to work up the nerve to call her back and cancel. “How much is it?”

“Thirty dollars, for just one person, and sixty dollars for a couple.” She informed him, pressing her phone to her ear and bringing up the planner on her computer. “You can pay when you arrive at the class.” She added, distractedly.

Sy paced his kitchen for a moment, before pausing and straightening his back. “I'll take one of the spots and pay the thirty, when I arrive.”

“Excellent! Can I have your name, please?”

“Syverson.” He answered, out of pure habit.

“All right, we look forward to seeing you tonight, and what you create!” She told him, her voice upbeat and optimistic, like she expected Sy to be the next Michelangelo, before hanging up.

“The boys would lose their shit, if they ever find out I tried pottery.” Sy said, stuffing his phone into the front pocket of his jeans.

Later that night, Sy found himself standing out front of the humble, little pottery shop, the full window front was bright from the lights inside, which was flowing with people, all standing around chatting with each other and holding glasses of wine.

“At least, they have booze.” Sy commented to himself.

“First time?” A soft voice asked, from behind him.

“Huh?” He frowned, turning around to find a gorgeous woman standing behind him, a large bag slung over her shoulder, as she regarded him with a kind expression. “Oh, yeah. You?” He asked, trying to be polite.

“Naw, I've been getting my hands messy with clay for years.” You smiled at him, patting your bag. “I assume you're here for the class.” You asked, motioning towards the shop.

“I am.” Sy nodded, licking his lips. “Just working up the nerve to go inside.” He explained to you.

“Ah, yeah. We pottery nerds can be dangerous.” You teased, smirking up at him. “You make one reference to Ghost in there and they'll turn you into a clay mold. If not, pelt you out of the shop with lumps of it.” You giggled, moving by him to step up onto the curb and grab the door handle.

A laugh rumbled out of Sy's broad chest, a genuine smile spreading across his face. “I'll make sure to keep the Ghost quotes to myself then.” He said, turning his sparkling blue eyes towards you.

“Well, no time like the present.” You told him, pulling the door open and holding it for him.

“That's true.” He nodded, his smile softly fading as he joined you on the sidewalk, stopping beside you for a moment. “Thanks for the pep talk.” He said, giving you a gentle nod, before going inside.

The place was a buzz with voices as he paused by the counter, taking out his wallet to pay for his admission for the night's class. He glanced over his shoulder to see where you'd gone, but you had vanished somewhere into the crowd. Shrugging, figuring you'd paid in advance or had some sort of membership, he handed over his bank card to Mini, the owner of the business, who was a sweet looking, elderly woman, dressed in a loose and colorful, bohemian strap dress. Taking his card and the Hello, My Name Is: sticker she handed back with it, Sy turned away, spotting the small wine station, also surrounded by numerous black sharpies. He headed over, scribbling Sy, on his sticker and poured himself a glass of some kind of red wine, before finding somewhere quiet to stand, to wait for the class to start.

As he stood there, sipping his wine and looking at a wall of finished clay figurines, cups and other knick knacks, he felt a pair of eyes on him. Clearing his throat, he glanced sideways, figuring you were checking him out, which he was more than fine with. But he discovered it was another woman giving him eye-candy. She was tall, with bleach-blonde hair and in a hot-pink tracksuit, she felt out of place for a pottery shop. Though, Sy knew he shouldn't be one to speak, standing there in a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt, that had been to war with him, tight blue jeans, a pair of cowboy boots, with a black stetson cowboy hat.

The way she lifted her wine glass, however, suggested she wanted to jump his bones.

Which only amused the retired Army Captain.

“All right, ladies and gentleman!” Mini called, clapping her hands together and coming around the counter to regard her customers. “If we can all head towards the other end of the shop, where all the potter's wheels and everything are. We can start the class.” She smiled, motioning everyone to the back.

Everyone moved to the back in a messy, single-file line, still sipping the rest of their wine and chatting with each other. The woman in the pink tracksuit lagging back to walk with Sy, fluttering her lashes at him.

“Ma'am.” He acknowledged her, touching the brim of his hat, but didn't give her much else.

“What's a man like you doing in a pottery class?” She asked, biting the corner of her lip.

Sy licked his lips. “I got nothing better to do.” He said, not willing to admit the real reason he was there to her.

“I'm sure a big, strong, handsome man like you could find something to do.” She insinuated, fluttering her lashes at him.

“Pottery is just fine, thanks.” Sy replied, offering her a weak smile.

“Everyone, please find a pottery wheel and it doesn't matter which one.” Mini said, motioning to the dozen or so pottery wheels in a circle, a round lump of clay already waiting on them to be shaped.

Sy waited until almost everyone was seated, not wanting to take the chance of getting stuck sitting next to the woman hitting on him, far from that mood tonight. So, taking up a pottery wheel and grabbing the provided apron, he took off his hat and set it on a shelf behind his wheel, and slipped on the apron. Sy chuckled, sitting down on the comically small stool before the wheel, as he balanced his large, muscular body on it, smirking up at the rest of the group; seeing some of them sit on the stool like they'd done it a million times and others wobble.

“The first thing we're going to do, before we start shaping our clay,” Mini began explaining, sitting at wheel herself, apron on and perched on her stool, like the forty-plus year pottery maker she was. “is to assign our first timers, helpers. I will be giving instructions and so forth, but your helper will be there for you, just in case you need a refresher or get frustrated.” She told the group, looking around at everyone. “But just remember, just like us, human beings, we are all unique and beautiful. It doesn't matter how many times your clay refuses to shape into what your mind's eye thinks it should, or tears apart, or even if it doesn't bake right in the kiln. It is still beautiful! You still brought it into this world with your own two hands, and you should be proud of that. Because it's something no one else in this room did.”

Sy blinked at her, slightly taken aback by her statement. So used to Army instructors drilling into him about, if it's not perfect, you're dead or your buddy next to you, is.

“So, helpers, I'll let you pick your person. You've all worked here before, so you know how to identify them.”

“And how do you do that?” Someone blurted out, making Mini and the helpers chuckle.

“Well, that's one way for us to find you.” One of the helpers quipped in an Australian accent, moving across the room to said person. “But, it's the name tags, mate, or Ryan, I should say.” He smirked, offering out his hand to the newcomer. “I'm Joel.”

“Those of us here that don't have a name tag, are old pros.” Mini smiled, resting her forearms on the edge of her potter's wheel, while the rest of the helpers spread out.

“Good to see you made it all the way into the building.”

Sy looked over his shoulder and grinned up at you. “Yeah, I had a little bit of help.” He replied, glad, and a bit surprised, to see you were one of the helpers.

“Well, you're about to get some more help.” You said, glancing at his name tag. “Sy.”

He felt a lump lodge in his throat as you said his name. “That's great.” He rasped back. “I'm going to need it. These hands have only known how to do one thing, for the last twenty years.” He told you, holding up his calloused mitts.

“Oh, you got good hands for clay shaping.” You said, taking one of them in both of yours. “I'm sure we can teach these pups a new trick or two.”

“Can you teach this ol' pup any?” Sy asked, smiling at you.

“I might.” You nodded, pulling a stool up beside him. “Let's listen to Mini first, then we can find out what you want to make that clay into.” You told him, giving him an encouraging smile, that cracked open the door to a place he had tried to keep shut.

“Everyone have their partner?” Mini asked, looking around, then nodded. “Good! Now, you're going to learn your proper posture for molding.” She began, leaning forward and started her instruction for the next several minutes.

“Christ, I don't know if I can remember all that.” Sy said, blowing out a breath and shaking his head at his mound of clay. “I'm just a simple country boy, fresh out of the Army.”

You giggled beside him, lightly patting him on the back. “That's why you got me.” You reminded him, sweetly. “Now, what do you want to make? And, I swear if you say a dildo, I will get up and leave.” You warned him, seriously.

“Have people actually asked you that?” He frowned, cocking his head at you.

“Yes, more often than you might think.” You huffed, shaking your head. “I'll make anything else though.”

“To be honest with you,” Sy started, frowning down at the clay and shaking his head. “I don't know what to make. I've never been the artistic type. I always failed art class back in school.”

“Well, that's the wonder of art, and clay for that matter, Sy.” You told him, softly. “You can make whatever you want. You don't need to be artsy for it. What's the first thing that comes to your mind? Anything at all.”

“My dog.” He blurted out, biting his lip, feeling silly for it.

“All right, what about a dog bowl?” You suggested, tossing out the first dog related thing that came to your mind.

“Could we make a bowl?” Sy asked, looking over at you.

“Absolutely!” You nodded, grinning. “If you wanna make a bowl for your doggo, then we'll make one. I'll use all ten years of my clay making experience to help.”

“All right, a bowl for Aika, it is.” Sy nodded back, inspired.

“That's a sweet name.” You commented, watching Sy position himself, much as Mini instructed, then drizzle a little bit of water onto the clay and cup it in his large hands, almost hiding it completely in his palms as he started to work the wheel with his foot. “Good, that's a great speed. Keep it up. Little less pressure though.” You reminded him, watching the clay start to pancake a bit.

“Sorry.” He apologized, letting off on it.

“You're all right.” You answered, shaking your head. “So, what made you try out pottery?” You asked, reaching out, instinctively, to add a little more water.

Sy was quiet for a long moment, playing with and shaping his clay, watching the thick residue from it cover his fingers and palms. While trying to find a way to answer. He could give you the same answer he'd given the pink tracksuit lady or he could be honest. Spying you from the corner of his eye, he noticed you weren't waiting for a reply, not being pushy or intrusive. You had simply asked him the question and given him the space to answer it, when and if he wanted to with no hard feelings.

It was a breath of fresh air to him, just like feeling the wet clay in his hands. Knowing he was creating something, not harming it.

“I was hoping it would help me,” He finally answered you, licking his lips, deciding to be honest. “With my combat PTSD.” He added softer, waiting for your reaction.

“It can be quite calming.” You admitted, no ill reaction on your face. “It can also be rather frustrating.” You chuckled, with a smirk. “I about tossed the piece I was working on this morning, when one of the sides collapsed on me. I'd only been working on it for six hours.”

“Six hours!” Sy exclaimed, sitting back to look at you more steadily.

“You suffer for the art sometimes.” You told him, with amusement at his expression. “But, it's well worth it in the end. Most of the time, at least.”

“Christ, I hope this doesn't take that long.” He said, looking down at the weirdly shaped, almost oblong bit of clay on his wheel.

You looked around the room, before leaning close to Sy. “I think you're wonderful, Oda Mae.” You whispered into his ear, so none of your friends could hear you, knowing the complaints they'd give you for the reference after the class.

A huge smile crossed Sy's face and he howled with laughter, catching everyone's attention.

“I crack a good joke, we all know it!” You told them, grinning with guilt.

“I like you.” Sy said, once everyone's attention went back to their own station. “You're the first person that's made me laugh, like that, since I came home on retirement from the Army. A year ago.”

“Oh yeah?” You grinned, feeling a hot rush through your body that wasn't the glass of wine you had earlier. “Well, if you think I can crack a good joke, you'll see how good of a pottery teacher I am.”

“You take any students?” Sy blurted out, before he knew what he was thinking.

You floundered, mouth hanging open. “Um, no.” You admitted, shocked he'd asked, then saw the light start to fade in his blue eyes. “But I could consider it.” You said, quickly. “Especially if it helps you cope with your PTSD.”

“I think it just might.” He proclaimed, finding himself smitten with both pottery and you.

You laughed, throwing up your arm as Sy flicked the wet clay on his fingers at you. “Austin!” You tried to duck the mucky droplets as they splattered all over your apron, the side of your arm, face and hair, still giggling.

“You were looking a bit dry over there!” He guffawed, grinning at you. “What the heck, are you shapin', anyhow?” He asked, balancing himself back on his stool and eyeing your kaolin clay, seeing the strange, cup-like shape you had going.

“I don't really know.” You sighed, shrugging your shoulders at the grayish-yellow clay before you. “I'm just trying to understand it, and make something. That will hopefully not crack in the kiln. If I ever get around to firing it.” You told him, leaning forward again, feeling the soreness in your lower spine and forearms from working in that position for so long. “What about you?” You asked, cocking a brow at Sy, without looking away from what you were starting to consider your Frankenstein.

“Another ceramic grenade cup.” You smirked, curving your thumb into the center of the clay. “Or, what was that tea pot you made?” You asked, giggling as you recalled pulling the craft out of the kiln.

“I don't want to talk about it.” Sy replied, sounding disgruntled.

You laughed, nodding your head. “That's right, it was supposed to be a turt—Austin!” You shrieked, as his big, wet clay covered mitt swiped across your face. “Oh my god!”

“It was nothing, woman.” He huffed at you, with mischievous eyes, as he sat back down. “But I do have a question for you, babe.”

“Oh?” You replied, standing up to wipe the streak off your face before it dried.

“I was thinking,” He paused for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip as he continued to work his clay. “I still have a large chunk of my retirement payment from the Army, just sitting in my bank account.” He said, scowling as one side of the clay started to collapse.

“All right.” You nodded, staring down at him, as you stood between your two pottery wheels in the garage of Sy's house, situated on the ten acres he owned.

“I've been considering,” He licked his lips and sat back, to look up at you, wanting to see your face when he said aloud what had been on his mind for the last year and a half. “I want to open up my own shop.”

You blinked at him a couple times, processing his words. “Your own pottery shop?” You asked for clarification.

“Yeah, I want to open a pottery barn, to help Vets, like myself. Hell, to help anyone with PTSD or trauma. It helped me through so many nights of episodes and flashbacks.” He explained to you, babbling out the idea that had been swirling around him, and looked back up. “You helped me.” He whispered quietly, before shaking his head and squeezing the clay on his wheel.

“It's a stupid idea.”

Watching him destroy the piece he'd just spent the last hour and a half working on, stung you, but it hurt you more to hear him say his idea was stupid. You thought it was incredible. That it was so thoughtful and sweet of him to want to share a hobby that had given him so much in the last two years.

You were flattered to be a part of that journey with him, as well.

Your big bear.

“I think it's a terribly-” You sat down in his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck. “good idea, Austin Syverson.” You declared, kissing him lovingly. “And if I hear anyone say otherwise, I'll pelt them with wet clay, until they think it is.”

A bright smile pulled across Sy's face as he rested his chin on your shoulder. “So, you'll come be my first employee?” He asked, nosing the side of your neck, smelling your perfume mixed with the earthy scents of pottery, tinged with a light sheen of sweat from how warm it was in the garage.

“Oh, I'm going to work for you, am I?” You cooed, amused. “What position, do I get?”

“Hmm.” He hummed, pressing his lips to your skin. “How about the head of pottery?”

“What's your job going to be?” You asked, eyes fluttering shut.

“I'm the boss.” He chuckled, tugging on your ear. “I'll have a bunch of jobs. But there's no one I trust more than you, with all your infinite wisdom of pottery, to run that area.” He told you, his hands pushing under your tank top. “I do only have two years of experience, compared to your thirteen.”

“Oh, laying it on thicker than a glaze, Captain.” You purred, feeling his fingers leave trails of drying clay on the skin of your back. “But I do like the sound of it. Do I get to boss you around during classes?” You asked, cupping the back of his head in your palm and rubbing the short hair there with your thumb, while your other hand dripped to the strings of his camouflage apron.

Sy smirked, giving your neck a sharp bite and making you gasp. “You boss me around already.”

“I do not!” You huffed, with an amused flash in your eyes, pushing his head back to look up at you.

“Whatever you say, my darling.” He replied, blue eyes sparkling.

“That's what I thought.” You smirked, kissing the bridge of his nose.

Pulling his hands from your tank top and gripping you by the hips, Sy pushed you up and pulled your legs across his lap, so you straddled him. You moaned at the straining bulge in his black sweatpants, pressing down against it through your short-shorts, sucking lightly on your bottom lip.

“What are we calling your little pottery business?” You hummed, reaching between your bodies to slip into the waistband of his sweats, finding his thick manhood and gliding your hand along it, drawing out a shivering sigh out from him.

“I don't know.” He rasped, clawing at your hips and the band of your shorts, leaving red marks in their wake. “Maybe, Sy's Therapy Barn or something.” He puffed, losing focus on the idea of running a business and growing more interested in tearing your shorts and underwear off.

“I like it.” You nodded, slipping off his lap, smiling at his hands grabbing to bring you back, but stood and took your shorts and panties off, before straddling his thick thighs again. “Rolls of the tongue and easy to remember.” You told him, taking his burning shaft in your hand, stroking him firmly as you guided him towards your glistening entrance.

“Mmhm.” Sy mumbled, his mouth latching onto your collarbone. “Whatever you say, babe.”

You chuckled, caressing your free hand over his head and gripped his shoulder, using it as leverage to sink down onto him, with a soft sigh and leaning forward to rest your forehead against his.

“I love you, Syverson.”

“Ditto.” He rumbled back, wrapping his arms around you and locking you against him.

“Welcome to Sy's Therapy Barn!” You grinned as a man came through the door, the bell above it chiming through the building, his ripped muscles making the fabric of his Under Armor shirt scream, his tattooed arms showing below the short sleeves. “Are you here for the classes or to look about?” You asked, motioning around the grand shop with beaming pride.

You and Sy had found a thousand square foot warehouse, filling it with all your pottery and therapy needs and dreams. Sy had even decided to go to school and become a licensed therapist, allowing him to help the people coming into the Therapy Barn better. While they got their hands cupped around the little mounds of clay, during your classes, so they could shape it into whatever their minds wanted or needed.

Part of the warehouse was set up with kilns of all sizes and kinds, tall and wide shelves to hold pour molds and drying creations. While another section was where you and Sy held the classes for the therapy groups, either for former or active Combat Service people or, those who Sy referred to as Regulars, members of the public who hadn't served. All of them there to try and remedy their PTSD, trauma, depression, loss, domestic violence or anything else along those lines.

People that didn't require therapy were also welcome, of course.

But the two of you catered to those in need specifically, and so far, business was booming. Sy had gone to the several local Veteran Centers in the Dallas area with fliers promoting the business's program, as well as the VFW Canteens and posting on the internet. Even calling some of his old comrades. Sy had been worried and a bit skeptical with your first pottery class, sure that no one was going to show up to it. However, when the time rolled around, the bell above the front door started dinging with customers, most of them were middle aged or elderly, but there were several your and Sy's age, looking apprehensive.

It made you smile to see that look on their face, it was the exact expression you'd seen on Sy's face, that night you met in the parking lot of Mini's Pottery Barn, before he discovered the magic of forming clay. You always looked forward to seeing it change into the wonder of how amazing it is, to see your brave Captain use his fresh Bachelor's Degree to help them work through the same struggles he had. The struggles you had woken up at one or two in the morning, to find Sy in the garage, in nothing, but the shorts he'd gone to bed in, hunched over his pottery wheel, his muscles tight and teeth gritted, but his hands cupped gently around the piece of clay he was working. Trying to chase away whatever he had been awoken by.

“I'm here for the class, with Dr. Syverson.” He replied, looking around uneasily, like he expected a bomb to go off in one of the teapots you'd crafted and had on sale in the front window of the shop.

“That's great!” You grinned at him, trying to be open and encouraging towards him. “The class will start in ten minutes. You can either take a seat or have a look around. There's coffee, tea and water on the table with some cupcakes and snicker-doodle cookies, so help yourself.”

“No booze.” He mumbled, eyeing the table.

“No,” You answered, giving him an emphatic look. “Some of our potter's are recovering and sober, so we don't offer it.” You explained to him, glancing over at one of your regulars with a nod. “To repress the urge to relapse.”

He looked at you for a moment. “That's—actually, very thoughtful of you.” He said, blinking as it came over him.

“We do our best.” Sy said, appearing from the back. “Pleasure to meet ya.” He offered his hand to the other man. “Captain Syverson, 1st battalion, 3rd SFG(a). Also Dr. Austin Syverson, the co-owner of this here Therapy Barn.” He introduced himself, always giving his classifications to the Vets, knowing how at ease it made them and started that thread of a bond with him.

“Pleasure to meet you, Captain.” He replied, shaking Sy's hand. “Lieutenant Daniel Burton, 3rd recon battalion, for the Marines.”

“Well, it's good to meet you, Lieutenant.” Sy nodded, then smiled over at you, his hand moving to rest on the small of your back. “I'm sure my fiancee has given you the introduction to our business.”

“That she has.” Daniel nodded, giving you a kind smile. “Though, I'll admit, I'm a little apprehensive as to how this is going to help me get straightened out. I watched some videos on pottery on Youtube and it just doesn't seem like much.”

You and Sy looked at each other, a smile and knowing look on each other's faces.

“It seems that way. I thought the same thing, myself, at first.” Sy confessed, a winking at you. “But, all you have to do is take all your emotions. All your pain, all your love, all your passion and all your rage and work it into that bit of clay we give you on that pottery wheel and the rest comes with it.”

You looked at Sy, it had become a thing between the two of you, and in doing so, that line had become his motto. It had become part of the business's motto, and few people actually caught the reference. But that was all right. The two of you still got through to people in the end. Saving them from their dark past through horrible movie quotes, a man that took a chance on a hobby and your skill with moving clay, sculpting a life and a business out of it.

[catonator]

Funny heading to a blogpost on videogames that’s some sort of reference

Look, I already used the ctrl+alt+delete quote in a blogpost title. It’s February 2024, and it’s already a very wild year for gaming. We’ve had more layoffs than with the entirety of 2023, games shown off at events seem to be stagnating, interest in the art is waning. Youtube is filled with “modern gaming sucks” doomer blackpill videos. It’s a miserable time.

Is gaming just over?

Well, no. Of course not. The Sonic franchise has lingered for decades despite consistent failure. Games are more resilient than that.

Humanity’s relation to computing is still pretty fresh, and I’d say that despite the size and scale of a lot of it, we’re still going through major growing pains. Concepts like video games, the internet and special effects are still pretty new, despite being around for twice or thrice as long as most of the people reading this have been alive. Internal combustion engine -powered cars were invented in 1808, made mass produced in the 1910s, and even then it took until the 1950s for them to be common enough for the US government to bother designing cities around them. In the present day, many have come to resent the car-centric design mentality, even though the driving (no pun intended) factor behind them was mainly the same as with technology today: scientific and technological progression is unquestionably good, and therefore new and successful ideas should be pushed and relied upon as hard as possible. What could possibly go wrong?!

Video games are far from the only medium which is seeing similar problems. Movies have suffered greatly from a capeshit infestation, in which the abuse of VFX artists is valued over, you know, basics of good filmmaking, and the general public is clearly sick of it. On the internet, we’ve decided that megastructures like Twitter are better than forms of communication we’re good at, and it’s gone horribly wrong. We’re still learning the “do”s, “don’t”s and “who the fuck thought this was a good idea”s of tech.

Games as an artform are as alive as they ever were, but the sheer scale of the operations has grown to a point where nobody can really understand it. The numbers behind playerbases and the money traffic have so many zeroes that you can’t even fathom the number. Even if I used some metaphorical figure, like 20 000 cars. Shockingly, despite how console sales haven’t really increased in numbers (the top selling console of all time is still the PS2), most of the top-grossing games of all time are relatively recent. This implies that the behaviour of consumers has shifted from purchasing a variety of different kinds of games into purchasing fewer games of fewer different kinds. And I don’t think it’s a case of customers deciding to shift over naturally.

In the past decade or so, the gaming industry has decided sensible experiences are a way of the past, and the future is making games for debt and making back the money with horse armour and other garbage the general public doesn’t really want.

But we’ve seen this shit before. In the 90s, 3D was “the future”, and 2D pixel art or hand-drawn art in general seemed to go the way of the dodo for polygons and ““realism””. About a decade later, 2D art would see a resurgence and in some cases overtake the big lads in lasting impact. In the end, people crave personal stories, varying ideas, and interesting ways to tell them. Not much has changed since ancient Greeks, besides that the medium of storytelling has largely shifted from some guy standing on a stage, trying to explain another world, to electronic devices actually showing us the other worlds.

I think as we play out the Icarus stories in real time, we’ll also learn when boundaries are pushed too far, and the scale of the bullshit simply collapses in on itself. When that happens, the public is forced to step back and reevaluate the ways we thought were the future, and what really is better for all of us.

When a storm flattens a forest of dead, decrepit trees, the sun and rain can now reach the ground and cultivate a new generation of different plant life. Once hidden beneath the dead corpses, now able to grow and bloom in a way the old generation never could. You should just keep doing what you think is right. Now’s the time more than ever to be the backbone of a better industry, for many applications of tech, from games to communication. And it’s better, if the backbone comes from the grassroots, and isn’t defined by the megacorporations. Because those cunts will never learn from their failures.

[houseofbrat]

I don’t think Catherine is ever going to divorce William. She didn’t stick it out this long to not get a crown on her head and her family haven’t briefed the media for over a decade not to get some lesser titles from King Willy one day.

With this new reporting - do you believe she ever had anything related to cancer? I’ve always thought she had a breakdown of some kind and these latest reports just confirm that even more. Even if you had cancer, there’s zero reason not to be seen by anyone - which she hasn’t been.

And again, the entire fiasco shows what liars KP are. People want to forget the week of the video announcement, she did her bouncy shopping experience and Kp was calling in favors for people to talk about her doing school runs and being all over the school. How would that have been possible if she started “preventative chemo” the month before 🙄

[this ask is from 24 May 2024]

Perhaps this phrase is more apt: “Falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus.”

Or, perhaps, the right Benoit Blanc quote should be:

"A doughnut hole in the doughnut's hole. But we must look a little closer. And when we do, we see that the doughnut hole has a hole in its center. It is not a doughnut hole at all, but a smaller doughnut with its own hole, and our doughnut is not whole at all!"

Why was Kate's "planned abdominal surgery" and hospitalization announced in the afternoon of 17 January 2024? If her surgery had been "planned," then the pr plan for announcing it would more likely have been put into place prior to surgery or at least during surgery at the minimum. However, a full day and the following morning had passed by the time an announcement was made by the Kensington Palace comms team. By KP's own statement & timing, the surgery happened on the 16th, and yet by the following morning, they were still not ready to announce that Kate had had major surgery or would not be performing public duties in the near future for a lengthy period of time.

Why the delay?

If it was routine surgery--as KP comms team wants to suggest by their statement--then why not announce on the 16th? Kate would be staying in the hospital regardless of whether the announcement to the public was made on the 16th or 17th. However, the delay insinuates that it was NOT a routine or "planned" surgery that Kate had. Seemingly that William and the KP pr team were not prepared to handle the situation. That perhaps Concha Calleja was right in that either Kate's operation or immediate post-operative period did not go well.

But now Kensington Palace comms team is telling Becky English that Kate was "unwell for some time in the run up to her initial abdominal surgery." A detail that--if true--would have made perfect sense to reveal to the UK media back in January or as late as March of this year. However, KP's initial statement on 17 January said that Kate was not expected to be doing work until after Easter, which was 31 March this year. (And yes, regular royal watchers would know this includes the kids' Easter break, even though the general public would not.) Even still, the Easter deadline gave Kate two and a half months notice that she would not be in the public's eye.

If Kate was truly "unwell for some time in the run up to her initial abdominal surgery," then the medical team would have been aware of that prior to her hospital admission. The BRF has their own medical team, which includes doctors outside of medical facilities such as The London Clinic. These doctors would know Kate and her medical history quite well by this point. They would know very well how she would respond to certain kinds of treatments and procedures.

In late February, William misses or skips the memorial service for King Constantine II of Greece. According to Valentine Low, that decision may have been made two weeks earlier. However, this absence did not cause him to miss other engagements later on in the week, such as St. David's Day in Wales.

Nonetheless, a string of outrageous and undeniable pr failures are suddenly committed by the Kensington Palace comms team, which includes the release of an altered Mother's Day photo and a public spat with the British Army over the Colonel's Review. Will and Kate become an international joke with so many people rolling their eyes about the shenanigans coming out of Kensington Palace, until Kate makes her video announcement that "cancer had been present." All the questioning of Will, Kate, and Kensington Palace's leadership all stopped after that one announcement.

Until people saw the pictures of Kate at Trooping the Colour and then Wimbledon and realized she did not look so ill. Many people know someone who has or is undergoing treatment for cancer. Many people have to work while they undergo treatment for cancer.

And then there's the recent Nerf story about how Kate and the kids went to an outdoor party to run around and play in the mud. There are plenty of people, who do not idolize Kate, who have wizened up to the fact that she clearly does not seem ill. At all.

And let's not forget Benoit Blanc's quote up top:

"A doughnut hole in the doughnut's hole. But we must look a little closer. And when we do, we see that the doughnut hole has a hole in its center. It is not a doughnut hole at all, but a smaller doughnut with its own hole, and our doughnut is not whole at all!"

Many people have grabbed on to this situation in disbelief that Will & Kate are telling the truth. Rightfully so when you consider all the red flags. This is why so many people believe that Will & Kate are either getting divorced or separated.

However, what would be the reason for Will & Kate to separate or divorce? Many people speculate that the rumors between Will & Rose Hanbury are true, and William is planning on replacing Kate with Rose. However, that does not seem at all likely to me, as there has never been any substantiation at all to those rumors, even in a British or foreign tabloid. Also, I would suggest that it is unlikely William has the game to pull off an affair given that he gave Kate a pair of binoculars as a present when they were dating. It's unlikely that guy could manage the ins & outs of having an affair.

Whatever is the source of the problem(s) between Will & Kate, it didn't originate in 2024. It had to be something in 2023. What--or whom--is the issue at hand? That is the question.

I too believe Kate had a mental breakdown with subsequent self-harm. It does not make sense that she was "unwell for some time" when she looked perfectly fine at her last Christmas concert and on Christmas Day. The way KP released information and William acted in January does not support that they knew she was "unwell" for some unspecified period of time prior to her hospitalization.

I'd like to point out two articles from this year of likely relevance. First, Kate Mansey's article from mid-March, "Prince William is a team player — why can’t he work with King Charles?"

At Buckingham Palace –– the office of the King and Queen — some are beginning to feel that the heir to the throne might do well to join forces with his father. Instead, Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace are run as two very separate and distinct entities. The first step towards better collaboration between the two courts, it is suggested, is for the heir to the throne to keep the sovereign better informed of his plans. This might be seen to be particularly prudent while the 75-year-old King is following medical advice to stay away from large public appearances while he continues his cancer treatment. [...] It means that Charles has no appetite to attempt to meddle in his son’s decisions, particularly as they both have very different approaches to the job.

The second from The Daily Mail's pearl-clutcher-in-chief, Richard Eden.

When I later spoke to the friend of Prince William, I had hoped that he would bring news of a change to this uninspiring policy. However, what he told me left me worried about the future of the monarchy. The friend said William was in 'full agreement' with his father about the need for a 'slimmed-down monarchy'. He told me: 'When the older members of the family retire, His Royal Highness won't be inviting anyone else to become working royals. It remains to be seen if he will even want his two younger children to be working royals.' At 59, the Duchess of Edinburgh is the only other member of 'The Firm' under the age of 60. This means that by the time William ascends the throne, he and Catherine may be the only full-time royals. 'That is what William wants,' the source claims. 'He sees the small European monarchies as the model for the future.' However, when King Charles made his plans for a 'slimmed-down monarchy', Prince Harry was a key part of them.

Interesting that we didn't hear about William's plans when his grandmother was alive. Or that we still get public photos of Charlotte and Louis for their birthdays, if William is truly not going to have them be working royals as adults. Interesting all the changes he's making tend to be hidden, such as saying he paid taxes when he offered no proof, now that he is the heir to the throne and is his own boss.

[eziojensenthe3rd]

Midnight Gaming: Long Live Eggbug

So last night I played Atari 50th anniversary collection, checked socials later to find.... cohost will shut down by the end of the year... aww..

So Atari is a company thats been around for a long while in the gaming industry, all the way back in the 70's with pong and asteroids, leading to the atari 2600 or vcs as it was called and finally leading to thier last console, the atari jaguar which flopped hard. It was a console that was advertised as a true 64 bit console even though it was really just 2 custom 32 bit processors, making it difficult to make games that run well, in the same decade that has the playstation and the nintendo 64. Yeah, "do the math".

Never really got to experience much of Atari when they were a contender in the scene, heck I wasn't even a year old when the Jaguar was launched so it wasn't really a part of gaming that I had a hands on experience with but I have heard of them. In my general interest in all things gaming in my youth, Atari was brought up sometimes in some gaming mags and online media, AVGN is probably for many people how they heard about Atari as he covered some games on the 2600, even did an episode on the failed 5200 and the Jaguar consoles.

So Digital Eclipse (not to be confused with digital extremes, the warframe folks) has done a 50th anniversary collection that has various games from atari's history, including some unreleased games. Naturally since these games can be easily emulated, a collection of old games wouldnt mean much but theres more to this than just that. You also get a bunch supplemental material such as artwork, behind the scenes documents and videos of interviews with several employees and key figures in atari's history, talking about various things. Cliffy B is there too for some reason.

For me its damn fascinating to follow along a timeline of events, looking at various media and playing some games, getting a feel on Atari's journey over the years. You do learn a few things about the company and how it ran at the time and uhhh.. it certanly looks a bit familiar. Developers having to work overtime, upper management ignoring concerns from thier employees, games being marketed beyond what could actually be delivered leading to consumer backlash, employees losing their jobs in mass. Yeah those problems are still around nowadays huh. 50 years later and nobody has really learnt anything, still making the same mistakes that one time led to the most infamous market crashes in history. Funny thing tho, while the games market did indeed crash in 83, leading to several businesses going bankrupt, for the average 2600 player it was just an odd time in which new 2600 games werent made. Because the 2600 had such a massive install base, eventually new 2600 games got made again, even during the time when the Sega Master System and the Nintendo Entertainment System were leading the console scene. To quote one Garry Kitchen "No one told consumers that there had been a crash. No one went to their house and said "You don't like video games anymore"".

Digital Eclipse also did some other games in the documentary style, the art of karateka and llamasoft. I wouldn't mind checking those out as I feel a documentary that covers a particular subject sounds fascinating to put the lenses of an interactive game, though I suppose it does veer a bit close to "edutainment" territory.

So now with that done, lets move onto the.... news. Cohost is announced to be closing down at the end of year with it converting to a read only format in October. I genuinly enjoyed my time on cohost even if it was short. From looking for alternatives to Tumblr, I stumbled onto it and found a chill sort of site that I felt comfortable browsing, chatting with peeps and sharing posts. It was a site that had an independent vibe that was unique and humble compared to some of its contemporaries. Tumblr weared the mask of being queer friendly despite nuking the odd trans blog every now and then, twitter is a cesspit run by that nepobaby bastard, discord seems to have issues with power tripping mods and creeps. A lot of social media seems to either be.full of techbro crypto ai weirdos or algorithmic data-harvesting software or both! But cohost had the vision of a place that didnt had user-unfriendly practices, instead of just making a site that demands engagement from the user for the sake of profit, the team made the site comfortable to browse and post on, letting people build up communities to hang out and chill in. Sadly that ambition wasnt sustainable due to the issues with both work and finance and in the end, it'll all be shut down.

I'll still be posting Midnight Gaming on Cohost until October as well as on tumblr until I find another site to host this series. Maybe I'll try that dreamwidth place I heard about, maybe i'll actually make a neocities site. We'll see what the future holds.

Until then, Rest in Piece Cohost. Hug your local eggbug today.... oh yeah james earl jones passed away too... awful lot of death lately, an old friend on my fathers side recently lost thier wife too. September what the hell you doing?

Hey whatever happened to those prizes that were won during the Swordquest contest?

Thats all for today, see you tomorrow. Feel free to leave any game suggestions or feedbacks. Anons are currently on.

[mr-double-downer]

"why's re there so many gay porn memes today" - dude gachimuchi was at its peak 10 years ago, i still quote the bad gay porn acting video over a decade later

people fucking love ram ranch too

it’s just funny I guess

[dropintomanga]

Cool Japan Has No Community

Years before I started blogging about manga, I was somewhat involved in the promotion of Japanese culture in New York City. At the time, anime and manga were going through a boom period. Crunchyroll was still a pirate anime site. I then overheard something from a colleague about an initiative called Cool Japan. It was supposed to be this big move of “soft power,” given how creative Japan is when it comes to anime and manga. There’s been a company called the Cool Japan Fund that was formed in 2013 to take advantage of Japanese pop culture gaining more attention outside of its home country.

Yet after hearing about Cool Japan a decade plus later, it hasn’t done anything substantial to get the world’s attention. Quite frankly, I don’t think they give a damn about building a community of fans.

The big news is that Cool Japan might finally come to an end. The Cool Japan Fund announced that they owe 30.9 billion yen (about $220+ million) as of 2021. They want to make a profit by 2025 or risk consolidation. The company has blamed COVID to a certain degree for the lack of success and they’re hoping to finalize a plan to get things back on track.

Sigh. I don’t know anymore. I guess I sound like Gackt in that there’s been really no serious promotion of anything Japanese culture-related outside of Japan. Like, what is Cool Japan to begin with? And even if there was promotion, there’s an insane amount of control behind what Japanese media companies want to enforce.

The best example I can give is Japanese music. Music videos featuring various artists have an awful habit of being region-locked. Sometimes, you might not get the full MV. Compare this to Korean pop culture, where everything about it is promoted by the Korean government and they’re the ones saying, “Hey, feel free to share this with everyone you know!” with no restrictions. When you have Japanese video game companies come up with silly streaming restriction guidelines (Hi, Atlus!) and dismantling relationships with fans who want to promote their games (Hi, Nintendo!), how can you say Japan is cool?

I remember watching a 2019 Maximillian Dood video about why Japanese game companies haven’t implemented rollback netcode in their fighting games for the longest time. He pointed to a Wikipedia article entitled “Not invented here.” The article states that it’s a practice where institutions refuse to implement products/research/ideas from other cultures/societies that aren’t like them. This is mostly due to a variety of reasons, from a lack of understanding of outsiders to a tribalistic belief that the institution knows how to do things best. I think this is Japan in a nutshell as I think they want to take credit for promoting Japanese pop culture over Westerners who have a better sense of doing so.

Recently, something happened in the overseas riichi mahjong scene that drew a lot of attention. It involved the sudden region-lock of a Abema TV livestream featuring a popular professional mahjong league called M-League. Since its inception, M-League has garnered many fans from all over the world with some of the coolest pro players and moments the riichi mahjong world has ever seen. Abema TV live-streams M-League whenever games are on. Then one day on October 13, 2022, there was an announcement saying “This video isn’t available in your area.” Fans took to Twitter to complain about the region-lock. What was revealed was that there are copyright issues and the staff are working on them. However, there’s no timetable for when the live streams will be readily available for fans across the world. The only consolation is that VODs streamed for the day will be available for 24 hours after they air live. (Update: As of 12/12/2022, the region lock for M-League is gone and overseas fans can watch games as they happen live).

To quote this post about the whole situation, it’s an overseas struggle. A long time ago, a Japanese colleague of mine who has done consulting work with Japanese companies that wanted to make a mark in the U.S. told me something that still rings a decade later. She told me that Japanese businesspeople who come here to do things will just come in, do their job, and then leave when everything’s over. They don’t necessarily bother to care about whatever they’re promoting as long as the job’s done. I know this too well as many mangaka don’t really think too much about overseas reception because they’re too busy creating for the Japanese audience.

I will gladly tell people that overseas people have promoted Japanese culture far better than Japan has ever done. They have a much better understanding of why Western folks love Japan. There’s been many grassroots groups over in my part of the world that have done a lot. Sure, some of it may involve piracy, but there’s always reminders to support the official works. I mean, it took a group of American-based fansubbers, which would become Crunchyroll, to convince TV Tokyo that the international audience was worth something to invest in and that they were willing to pay to watch streams if they were accessible enough.  

However, I strongly feel that the things that Cool Japan wants to promote to the world are very different from what fans like about Japan - which are anime, manga, and video games. Basically, all things nerdy. Otaku fandom may not be as stigmatized as once it was, but it’s still not something to be proud of over in Japan.

And even if there was a focus on promoting anime and manga, it’s all a joke. What Japan wants to do is generate a collective mindset across the world like their culture, not a community of like-minded people with different strengths that make it much stronger. Collectivism and community are two different things. Community provides a genuine sense of purpose while collectivism’s sense of purpose is that you should be a cog in some grand machine that’s “worth your while.”

The one thing that I (and fans may agree with me on this) can say is that trying to be cool leads to alienation. We’re seeing this time and time again from Japanese organizations that want to leverage its cultural power. If only Japan learned from their own creations - the many notable anime/manga characters that know when being cool helps and when it doesn’t.

[west-haven]

went into the Wikipedia page for Polysics cuz it has been over fifteen years, I couldn’t quite remember all the singles like I used to

(I am making a full checklist of all the albums I do and do not have, cuz I looked at my collection and I’m like WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DONT HAVE ENO???? so I’m gonna try to catch up)

And there was a new heading for Legacy which mentions a guy who said that For Young Electric Pop belongs on The Rolling Stones top 500 albums of all time which I’m like one, dude sick for saying that and two, oh this guy is following my on Twitter from the old Polysics days, small world!

So I sat thru FYEP for the first time in a long time with his quote in my head saying that it’s an accessible intro to Polysics and I’m like hmmmmmmmmmmm I doooooon’t think it’s the TOP album I’d blind rec to someone?

Like okay so the title track is a fav, but then it goes into Colon, which is a FUN song but I can imagine Hayashi’s vocalizations maaaaay turn people off initially? Like it’s some wild shit honestly rofl. Black Out Fall Out is GOAT tho, like that song alone does make me want to agree with him, that and Code 4. Get Back to 8-Bit and their cover of My Sharona are just fun and poppy, so yeah that’s some more good ammo for his thinking, for sure.

But let me raise you with: NEU

Go Ahead Now NEVER fails to get me hyped up, and honestly those next three songs are just back to back punk rock bangers. Making Sense slows things down so you can catch your breath (but man that bassline! Thank you Fumi!!) but then it roars back to life with Each Life Each End and the second half of the album. And of course, one of my eternal favorite Polysics songs: What. Honestly this entire album has an electric rock sound, couple with Hayashi’s younger punk energy that makes it an interesting listen all the way through.

Now I’m going thru their other albums to find like, solid full album recommends hmmmmm

Karate House is sublime, and sooooo many just fun rockin’ songs, tho of course Catch on Everywhere kind of requires some patience and/or watching the music video to actually find it cute if you haven’t seen/heard it before. But this feels like core Polysics sound, with songs like You-You-You, Hard Rock Thunder, Electric Surfin’ Go Go (duh), Shizuka is a Machine Doctor and of course, Polysics or Die to close it all out.

We ate the Machine is some solid good rock, and like soooooo many bangers but FUCK do I still hate DNA Junction omg. Just now I was like “it can’t possibly be that bad, it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve heard the song—” and then I click play and right away I go 😬😬😬 and it’s like fuuuuuck if that song wasn’t there then it would be so easy to recommend this album cuz dude the entire album after that is just sooooo good. Arigato, Blue Noise and Dry or Wet in particular! *holds up Kayo’s Dry or Wet sign from the live performance*

I think Absolute POLYSICS is them at their most razor sharp, I still remember when Shout Aloud (and that tease of Beat Flash) came out and it was just so WILDLY amazing. The chunk in this album that is First Aid, Fire Bison, Eye Contact, THEN Beat Flash???? Dude. I fucking LOVE it.

I guess it’s a cop out to say that Polysics or Die (especially the Vista version) is the perfect album to share with someone, because it’s a  compilation album. But!! Vista was the first album I bought, I got it—holy shit it was SIXTEEN YEARS AGO this month when I saw them live. That one in particular cuz it has the DVD of music videos too, tho. Basically the music videos for Polysics are all iconic, easy to just show those to people to see how they are. I mean that’s how it started with me, with my brother showing me I My Me Mine and then not too long later, I saw them live and then that was IT. Lifelong fan.

I think it’s amazing that sixteen fucking years later, I can still sit here and enjoy this music like this. I kinda did break away from the band after Weeeeeeeeee!!! and I don’t think I’ve heard much of their stuff after that. I’ve been meaning to give it a listen, though I did get their The Vocoders album, to listen to the reimaginings of songs. The original shit, and my four hour curated playlist is mostly what I listen to lol

Also how can I contact Spotify and tell them they put BESTOISU as coming out in 2005 when it actually came out in 2010!!! We will never forget 2010 in Polysics history cuz of Kayo leaving the band (these wounds will never heal) and the legendary Budokan concert!!!!

Anyway.... TOISU!!!!

PS: it is a damn shame that coelakanth.com is down and my THOUSANDS of posts there are mostly lost to the wind. Internet Archive has SOME threads but my long history of Polysics post is gone, which I’m super sad about. I had so much research there!! 😭

[racingtoaredlight]

Improvement Later in Life

Highly recommend just letting this roll in the background during the day. It's fucking tremendous. Just fucking tremendous.

Specifically, the guitarist Anthony Wilson and the bassist Bob Hurst. I've had the pleasure of meeting Bob Hurst back in the day, and he's just awesome. I'm not sure if he's still the head of the jazz department at Michigan, but I'm pretty sure he at least still teaches bass there.

Wilson...trust me, there's gonna be more on him coming. I just need to listen more. He's fucking unbelievable.

But this post is about Diana Krall.

Krall has somewhat of a mixed reputation in the jazz world...that actually should've said "had" because she's done an increidble amount of work to successfully shut people up over the years. Will she ever be confused for Keith Jarrett? No. Will she ever be confused for Ella Fitzgerald? No*.

*There's a woman I've been listening to named Marina Pacowski, who is a classically trained pianist and unbelievable singer tho that can kinda live up to that. She's great too.

But I've been listening to Krall's stuff the past two weeks and her improvement over the years is shocking. She's been a "jazz star" for decades now...and it actually feels silly putting that in quotes, considering she's one of the few jazz musicians that can pack theaters and large halls year after year after year.

If there were any complaints about the quality of her musicianship, there have never been any of those levied towards her work as a bandleader...which has been exceptional since day 1. Her band is one of the jazz guitar's coveted positions...steady, high profile and well paying. It's no coincidence that she's had Wilson (at top) and Russell Malone (below) as her second in command since the turn of the century.

But this post isn't about guitarists...it's about Krall's steady, consistent improvement in her own skillset.

Below I'm going to queue these two videos up to one her her solos...one from 1996 and the other from 2022. Just listen to how much she's improved over these years, and how much more advanced her melodic playing is now than it was back then.

We're talking an already established music star back in 1996. She's already packing theaters at this point...she didn't really have to put in the work. But once you compare the two, you'll see she absolutely did, and continues to do so.

The 2022 example, I actually started a bit earlier. Pay attention to her comping. She has been putting in the hours and sounds like goddamned McCoy Tyner backing up Coltrane. Fuck yes.

In the 2022 example, Wilson lays down just a goddamned great solo...something great enough that it'd take something extra to follow that shit up. If you listened to her critics, you'd think her take might be a let down...

Instead they kick it into double time, and she just RIPS. No qualifiers, no "she's a better bandleader than musician" backhanded compliments...just a ripping solo in the pocket the entire time. 4:00-5:16 is straight up owning it.

She's been working for years with teachers Alan Broadbent and Jimmy Rowles, and...I mean, shit...it's pretty obvious the improvement's been significant. It's not like she was bad before...it's just now she's a pianist that's really got a whole lot working, adding another dimension to a musical recipe that's been packing houses for decades now.

It's really incredible shit to see someone hit the ground running at the beginning of their career, refuse to rest on their laurels, and despite already being at the top of their profession, they continue to grind and work and get better.

You do see this typically with psychos that are hardwired to keep pushing themselves. People who started early on and don't understand anything more than putting the pedal to the metal. But for someone later in life, who already had an established working career, to put that work in and watch it pay off is fucking great. It's inspiring as hell.

You want to know why she always has the best bands? It's not because she's a premier virtuoso...it's because she's leading the band, doing arrangements, singing, and still putting in the practice to become more dynamic, a more able musician. Like I said, it's inspiring as hell.

[cyberbenb]

Ukraine war latest: US close to making decision on ATACMS, Kyiv says

Key developments on July 14:

Yermak: US ‘very close’ to making a decision on ATACMS missiles for Ukraine

Erdogan says he and Putin ‘of the same mind’ on grain deal extension, Moscow denies

Ukrainian military report advancing in directions of Melitopol, Bakhmut

Ukraine returns bodies of 62 fallen soldiers

President’s Office Head Andrii Yermak told journalists on July 14 that the U.S. is “very close” to deciding whether to provide Ukraine with long-range ATACMS missiles.

According to Yermak, he’s in good contact with U.S. National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan and is well aware of the decision-making process.

President Volodymyr Zelensky discussed the provision of ATACMS with his American counterpart at the Vilnius NATO summit on July 12.

“There are such conversations, but there is no decision” on the issue of ATACMS yet, Zelensky said at a press conference.

Washington has been reluctant to supply ATACMS due to the fear of escalation and the concerns that they may be used to attack Russian territory.

Supporters of providing ATACMS argue that Kyiv’s inability to strike targets far from the front line results in the deaths of numerous Ukrainians and makes it very difficult for Ukraine to expel Russian troops from its territory.

On July 12, U.S. President Joe Biden confirmed that Washington was considering supplying the long-requested missiles to Ukraine.

However, Biden told Bloomberg that artillery ammunition was a more urgent need for Ukraine as the country already possesses weapons systems similar to ATACMS, likely referring to the SCALP long-range missiles pledged by France at the latest NATO summit and the U.K.-provided Storm Shadow missiles, in use by the Ukrainian military since May.

This Week in Ukraine Ep. 16 – Why is Ukraine still not in NATO?

Episode #16 of our weekly video podcast “This Week in Ukraine” is dedicated to Ukrainian culture, the important role it plays in war, and why it has been a target of Russian dictators for decades. Host Anastasiia Lapatina is joined by the Kyiv Independent’s culture reporter Oleksiy Sorokin. Listen…

The Kyiv IndependentAnastasiia Lapatina

Grain deal in limbo

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan said on July 14 he and Russian President Vladimir Putin were “of the same mind” on the extension of the Black Sea Grain Initiative.

"(UN Secretary-General Antonio) Guterres sent a letter to Putin. I hope that with this letter, we assure the extension of the grain corridor deal with the joint efforts of us and Russia," Erdogan told reporters, as quoted by the Turkish state-run Anadolu news outlet.

Moscow denied Erdogan’s claims later in the day, with Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov saying that Russia didn’t make any statements about agreeing to prolong the Black Sea Grain Initiative that allows Ukraine to continue exporting its agricultural products.

The current agreed-upon extension period is set to expire on July 17.

Russia has already threatened not to prolong the Black Sea Grain Initiative unless the West eases its restrictions against its grain and fertilizers exports.

According to the Russian state-controlled news agency Interfax, Putin claimed that none of Moscow’s conditions for extending the deal — which focus on logistics, insurance, and money movement when paying for Russian products — had been met.

Russia’s key demand, however, is reconnecting the Kremlin-owned Russian Agricultural Bank to the SWIFT international payment system. The bank was cut from the payment system on June 14 over the full-scale invasion of Ukraine.

Unnamed sources told Reuters and the Financial Times that the EU was not considering removing that restriction but is weighing an option to connect a subsidiary of Russia’s Agricultural Bank to SWIFT.

Guterres reportedly asked Putin to extend the grain deal for several months to give the EU time to arrange the scheme.

Turkey and the UN brokered the grain deal in July 2022.

Russia’s all-out war initially prevented Ukraine, one of the world’s top grain exporters, from shipping agricultural products through its Black Sea ports. The grain deal allowed Ukraine to ship grain and has been essential in mitigating a global surge in food prices.

Explainer: What’s up with the ‘grain deal’ and Russia?

On Nov. 2, Russia announced it would continue its participation in the deal that allows grain shipments from Ukraine via the Black Sea, ending several days of turmoil when the vital deal was hanging by a thread. The grain exports crisis started with Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, which

The Kyiv IndependentOleg Sukhov

Ukrainian military report advancing in Melitopol, Bakhmut directions

Andrii Kovalov, the General Staff spokesperson, reported that Ukrainian forces continue to advance south of Bakhmut, Donetsk Oblast, in the Bila Hora-Andriivka sector.

“There are successes in the Bila Hora-Andriivka sector, (troops) are solidifying newly taken positions,” Kovalov said.

According to him, Ukrainian forces continue to repel Russian attempts to advance in Kupiansk, Lyman, Avdiivka, and Marinka directions, while Moscow is deploying its reserves in these sectors. Heavy fighting is underway, Kovalov said.

On the same day, Colonel Mykola Urshalovych, an officer with the National Guard, reported that Ukrainian forces advanced over 1,700 meters in the Melitopol direction within a week.

“Our units are advancing through dense enemy minefields at the approaches to their positions and under heavy fire, including 213 strikes from multiple-launch rocket systems, tanks, and artillery, and six airstrikes during the past week,” Urshalovych said.

Russian troops are attempting to counterattack to regain lost ground but are being repelled.

Ukraine’s counteroffensive is ongoing, with heavy fighting in Zaporizhzhia and Donetsk oblasts.

On July 13, Deputy Defense Minister Hanna Maliar reported successful advances on the southern front line, particularly in the sectors of Novodanylivka-Shyroka Balka and Mala Tokmachka-Novopokrovka.

The Institute for the Study of War (ISW) also reported in its latest assessment that Ukrainian forces made some gains in at least three sectors of the front lines, including in western Zaporizhzhia Oblast and around Bakhmut as of July 13.

Ukraine’s General Staff said the country’s forces had liberated 14 square kilometers as of July 10.

Francis Farrell: As the world watches the counteroffensive, a sober hold on reality is Ukraine’s greatest weapon

This June was meant to be all about the great Ukrainian counteroffensive. After months of waiting, dozens of public statements from exasperated Ukrainian officials bound to silence, and even more analyses from experts and commentators in the media, the moment finally came when Ukrainian soldiers on…

The Kyiv IndependentFrancis Farrell

Ukraine returns bodies of 62 fallen soldiers

The bodies of 62 fallen soldiers have been returned to Ukraine from the occupied territories, the Reintegration Ministry reported on July 14.

According to the ministry, four of them died in Russian captivity due to injuries, diseases, and inadequate medical treatment.

After the bodies of Ukrainian defenders are identified, they will be handed over to their relatives for burial.

In late June, Ukraine retrieved the bodies of 51 fallen service personnel.

According to the Coordinating Headquarters for the Treatment of Prisoners of War, Ukraine brought back the bodies of over 1,400 fallen soldiers from the start of Russia’s full-scale invasion to March 2023.

One year on, Kherson activist kidnapped by Russian troops remains in captivity

On the morning of May 13, Tetiana Horobtsova was busy in the kitchen at her home in then-occupied Kherson when she heard her daughter saying, “Mom, they’ve come for me.” She left the kitchen to find her daughter – 37-year-old IT specialist Iryna Horobtsova – standing on the balcony, looking pale

The Kyiv IndependentDaria Shulzhenko

[hardynwa]

Six dead, dozens confirmed missing in China mine collapse

Dozens of people remained missing on Friday following a collapse at a coal mine in northern China that killed six, state media reported. A rescue operation involving hundreds of workers was ongoing after a 180-metre-high slope gave way at the open-pit mine in the Inner Mongolia region’s Alxa Left Banner area on Wednesday.Emergency efforts were initially hampered after another landslide later that day. According to state broadcaster CCTV, 47 people were still unaccounted for, six were recovered alive, while another six were found dead. China’s ministry of emergency management urged “all-out efforts to search for the missing personnel without delay, and not to lose hope of finding them”, state news agency Xinhua reported Friday. “Saving lives is still the top priority,” Xinhua quoted a ministry work team as saying, adding that “efforts should also be made to prevent secondary disasters”. Footage from CCTV showed rescue workers in orange overalls and yellow helmets dwarfed by a mountain of rust-coloured rubble, and excavators working to clear some of the debris. “I had just started work when I saw slag falling down the slope. The situation got worse and worse,” a rescued worker named Ma Jianping told CCTV. “We tried to organise an evacuation, but it was too late — the slope came down,” he said from a hospital bed in the neighbouring Ningxia region, a catheter protruding from his throat. State media reported the collapse had affected a “wide area” of the mine operated by the Xinjing Coal Mining Company. It was not clear what caused the collapse. CCTV said police were investigating, while Xinhua on Friday said the ministry of emergency management had called for “comprehensive investigations”. – ‘I’d have died’ –Video posted on social media by a coal truck driver on Wednesday showed rocks cascading down a slope, kicking up clouds of dust that engulfed several vehicles. “The whole slope has collapsed… How many people must be dead from that?” a male voice can be heard saying in the background. “If I’d lined up over there today, I’d have died in there, too.” Located in China’s arid north, Alxa League — which includes the Alxa Left Banner — is a sparsely populated region whose economy runs largely on mining and other extractive industries. Mine safety in China has improved in recent decades, as has media coverage of major incidents, many of which were once overlooked. Accidents still occur frequently, however, in an industry where safety protocols are often lax, especially at the most rudimentary sites. Around 40 people were working underground when a gold mine in the northwestern Xinjiang region collapsed in December. In 2021, 20 miners were rescued from a flooded coal mine in northern Shanxi province, while two others died. Read the full article

[leonardcohenofficial]

here’s the NYtimes interview with alan alda reflecting on the fiftieth anniversary of M*A*S*H (text below the cut)!!

By Saul Austerlitz Published Sept. 16, 2022 Updated Sept. 17, 2022, 1:10 p.m. ET

When we think of the default mode of much of contemporary television — mingling the tragic and the offhand, broad comedy and pinpoint sentiment — we are thinking of a precise mixture of styles, emotions and textures first alchemized by “M*A*S*H.”

Created by Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds, “M*A*S*H” aired on CBS from 1972 to 1983. (It is currently available to stream on Hulu.) Over the course of its 11-year run, it featured alcohol-fueled high jinks and other shenanigans alongside graphic surgical sequences and portrayals of grief, blending comedy and drama in a fashion rarely seen before on television. Set among the doctors and nurses of a Korean War mobile surgical unit, “M*A*S*H” made use of the mockumentary episode decades before “The Office” ever tried it, featured blood-drenched story lines long before “The Sopranos” and killed off beloved characters without warning well before “Game of Thrones.”

The “M*A*S*H” series finale, titled “Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen,” remains the most-watched non-Super Bowl program ever broadcast on American TV. The heart of the series was Alan Alda, who played the acerbic and devoted surgeon Hawkeye Pierce throughout the show’s more than 250 episodes and also wrote and directed dozens of them.

The actor revisited “M*A*S*H” in a video interview ahead of the show’s 50th anniversary, on Sept. 17. Alda, 86, who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2015, discussed famous scenes, the series’s battles with CBS (“They didn’t even want us to show blood at the beginning”) and why he thinks the audience connected so deeply with “M*A*S*H.” These are edited excerpts from the conversation.

How have you been feeling?

Good, thank you. You mean with regard to Parkinson’s or the Covid or what?

All of the above, I suppose.

Parkinson’s I’m on top of. And I haven’t come down with Covid yet.

What does it mean to you to know that people are still interested in “M*A*S*H” 50 years later?

I got the script submitted to me when I was making a movie in the Utah State Prison. And it was the best script I had seen since I’d been in prison. I called my wife and I said: “This is a terrific script, but I don’t see how I can do it. Because we live in New Jersey, and it has to be shot in L.A. And who knows? It could run a whole year.” To go from that to 50 years later, it’s still getting, not only attention but it’s still getting an audience, is a surprise.

What kinds of conversations did you have with Larry Gelbart before the show began?

With “All in the Family,” I think the door was open to doing stories about things that really mattered. So when I got out of prison and went down to L.A. to talk to them, the night before we started rehearsing the pilot, I wanted us all to agree that we wouldn’t just have high jinks at the front. That it would take seriously what these people were going through. The wounded, the dead. You can’t just say it’s all a party. And we talked until about 1 in the morning at a coffee shop in Beverly Hills.

Do you feel there was a shift over the first season away from the booze-fueled humor of the early episodes?

Yeah, there was. Partly because people who were submitting story lines thought that that’s what was wanted. Larry Gelbart rewrote most of the shows the first season. Midway through the first season, there was a show called “Sometimes You Hear the Bullet,” and that was a real turning point. Because in that show, a friend of Hawkeye’s shows up among the wounded, and he dies on the operating table. That’s the moment where McLean Stevenson [as Lt. Col. Henry Blake] says: “There’s two rules in war: Young men die, and then Rule 2 is there’s nothing you can do about it.” Something like that. [The exact quote: “There are certain rules about a war. And rule No. 1 is young men die. And rule No. 2 is, doctors can’t change rule No. 1.”]

The network was furious about this. Some guy in charge of programming said, “What is this, a situation tragedy?” Soon after that, we were getting more popular. And the more popular you get, the less they complain.

Was CBS also concerned about the language used to tell these stories?

The most striking example to me was early in the series. Radar [Gary Burghoff] is explaining to somebody that he’s unfamiliar with something. And he said, “I’m a virgin at that, sir.” With no sexual context. It was just that he’d never done something before. And the CBS censor said: “You can’t say the word ‘virgin.’ That’s forbidden.” So the next week, Gelbart wrote a little scene that had nothing to do with anything. A patient is being carried through on a stretcher. And I say, “Where you from, son?” And he says, “The Virgin Islands, sir.”

Early in the show’s run, Gelbart and Reynolds went to South Korea and recorded 22 hours of interviews with doctors, nurses, pilots and orderlies there. How did those interviews make their way into story lines for the show?

We had reams of transcripts of those conversations. I would go through them looking for ideas for stories. And I could see that the other writers were doing the same thing, because there’d be circles around sentences and words. Sometimes one little phrase would spark the imagination of one of us, and that phrase could turn into a story.

Larry and Gene went to Korea at the end of the second season, and they got a lot of material for stories. But they had also found that we had, by paying attention to the lives that they lived, we had made up stories that were very similar to things that had actually happened.

People may not remember that you directed 32 episodes of “M*A*S*H” and wrote 19 episodes. How did you start getting interested in writing and directing?

At the end of the first season, I wrote a show called “The Longjohn Flap.” I borrowed the idea of “La Ronde,” but made it long johns instead because it was reflective of what their lives were like in the cold. I had been trying to learn writing since I was 8 years old. I wanted to be a writer before I wanted to be an actor.

Were there story lines that you thought “M*A*S*H” hadn’t quite tackled yet that you wanted to bring into the world of the show as a writer and director?

When I wrote, I tried to find out a little bit more about each of the characters. Who is Klinger [Jamie Farr] really? What was underneath — I almost said, what was underneath the dresses. [Laughs.] What was underneath the wearing of the dresses? Who was Margaret [Loretta Swit]?

I see on the internet that people assumed that because I was politically active, trying to get the Equal Rights Amendment passed, that in my writing I was trying to make political points, too. And I wasn’t. I really don’t like writing that passes as entertainment when it’s really propaganda. I want to hear a human story.

The unexpected death of Colonel Blake (McLean Stevenson) in the Season 3 finale, “Abyssinia, Henry,” remains one of the biggest surprises in television history. What was it like to shoot that sequence?

Gelbart showed me the scene. I think [it was] the morning of the shoot. I knew, but nobody else knew. He wanted to get everybody’s first-time reactions. And it really affected Gary Burghoff on camera. I think everybody was grateful for the shock.

It shocked the audience, too. I had a letter from a man who complained that he had to console his 10-year-old son who was sobbing. But it was one of the ways for the adults in the audience to realize that another aspect of war is that things happen that you don’t expect.

Was there ever a point when you got tired of fighting the Korean War on TV? The old joke is the show lasted almost four times as long as the actual war.

Around a year before we finally ended it, I felt we were getting toward the end of our ability to be fresh every week. I started suggesting that we do a final movie-length episode that really could end it. First of all, we were getting too old to play these people. And after you tell stories about a group of people 250 times, it’s hard not to repeat yourself or say things that sound like they’re supposed to be funny but aren’t really.

What did it mean to you to have Hawkeye leave Korea scarred by the death of a child in the final episode?

You just described exactly what I wanted to do with all the characters on the show. I was looking for stories, each in a different way, that showed how everybody left the war with a wound of some kind. Everybody had something taken from them. And Hawkeye was just one of them.

Earlier in your career, you had been on another great military comedy, “The Phil Silvers Show,” also known as “Sergeant Bilko.” What did you learn about acting from your pre-“M*A*S*H” TV work?

The first thing I learned on the “Bilko” show was you have to know your lines before you go in for the day’s work. I had come from the stage, where I would learn my lines during rehearsal. And the first thing they did is say, “OK, you’re up for your phone conversation,” where it’s a page of dialogue. It was an eye-opening experience. [Laughs.] I staggered through that.

Why do you think the audience connected so deeply with “M*A*S*H”?

Aside from really good writing and good acting and good directing, the element that really sinks in with an audience is that, as frivolous as some of the stories are, underneath it is an awareness that real people lived through these experiences, and that we tried to respect what they went through. I think that seeps into the unconscious of the audience.

They didn’t even want us to show blood at the beginning. In the pilot, the operating room was lit by a red light, so you couldn’t tell what was blood and what wasn’t. Which, once we got picked up, was ditched.

And giving us a feel for the circumstances that the real people had to go through, so that you could see that the crazy behavior wasn’t just to be funny. It was a way of separating yourself for a moment from the nastiness.

You can’t get as harsh as it really was.

Correction: Sept. 16, 2022 An earlier version of this article described in error the viewership statistics for the series finale of “M*A*S*H.” It was the most-watched non-Super Bowl program ever broadcast on American television, in terms of total audience, not the highest-rated non-Super Bowl program. A rating refers to the percentage of TV households that watch a program. The “M*A*S*H” finale remains the highest-rated program, of any kind, ever broadcast on American television.

[bluesilksilverspurs]

The internet is a brilliant thing sometimes.

I was sitting this morning before I dried my hair, thinking. I was thinking about Albert Wesker, from Resident Evil. Specifically, I was thinking about a magazine article that I'm fairly sure was the kindling that started my first obsession, and the sudden weird and new er, urges, that came with it.

The magazine in question was the April 2000 issue of Games Master UK. There was a four page review of Resident Evil Code Veronica, which had been released for the Sega Dreamcast. My friend's brother had let me borrow it and I re-read that article so many times I could quote it verbatim. I still could remember a lot of it, even now, 21 years later. At 13, I was fascinated.

I'd ration out the times I'd look at it, becoming more and more guilty about this pull, about how all my thoughts seemed to return to a small photo of a character from the first game who was dead as far as I or any other RE fan at the time knew. I didn't know how the story of RECV would play out but I NEEDED to know. I tried to buy the magazine for way over the cover price but my friend's brother wouldn't be parted from it. This was pre easy access internet, or even good camera phones, so I was distraught at giving up the article!

Anyway. That obsession with Albert Wesker has continued for over two decades. Post teenage sexual awakening, it has waxed and waned, and sometimes I find it weird that I've been smitten with a video game character for that long. But then I think of the comfort it - he? - has brought me - the escapism, the ability to be someone I'm not, really, to have my own OC grow and change as I did.

And GUESS WHAT I FOUND ONLINE TODAY?

A pdf of the magazine! Reading through that article again was a trip. Am I a weirdo? Probably. But Albert Wesker will always have a place in my heart 🥰

[demifiendcruithne]

okay i am probably going to heck up the tag limit if i put my observations in tags so i'm moving it here

for context, i was diagnosed autistic when i was like 10 (well, diagnosed aspergers but heck that) - i guess i'm providing this as a 'okay this autistic person is having this same issue with this given question that helps' sort of thing because a lot of these questions are difficult for me to precisely answer. (i'm not going to note the ones that are obvious for me because uh. not much point)

also i realised pretty quickly that me typing all this out is Also a clear sign of the autism :v so i'm wondering how high i'll score on that hecker

1. I am a sympathetic person. okay. i know i have hyperempathy, but this made me look up the difference between sympathy and empathy; 'sympathy is when you share the feelings of another; empathy is when you understand the feelings of another but do not necessarily share them' (source: merriam-webster) and thinking about it - i don't think i do have sympathy in that sense because i interpret it through how i would feel in that situation, which i think is more empathy? if it's something i haven't experienced i don't really share the feelings because i don't understand them. i may very well be wrong about the interpretation here; please tell me if i am because sympathy/empathy has been hecking me for ages

2. I often use words and phrases from movies and television in conversations. not movies and television but i absolutely often use phrases from other media like video games and memes and stuff. that's the same thing right? i'm counting it as the same thing, i can name exactly where many parts of my vocabulary came from ('i do not comprehend' is digital devil saga, 'optimal/suboptimal' is kingdom of loathing etc)

6. I can 'put myself in other people's shoes.' only if they're the same size. and even then i probably can't because i can't do laces and i've only been able to wear One Specific Style of shoe for the last over a decade pretty much. why is this even on here??? is it a sensory thing? wait i just noticed the quotes it's another heckin phrase isn't it and then my partner used said phrase while talking about a later question. yeah i can't do that either

9. I focus on details rather than the overall idea. this is a tough one because i also have adhd! but i'm going to say yes because i'm often thinking 'how do i do this one specific part' without working out how it fits into the overall project and then having to rewrite parts of code to fit together better / optimise

11. I miss my best friends or family when we are apart for a long time. okay this one's difficult. i can easily pick up a conversation with someone i haven't talked to for months like nothing happened, and while i like being in the same place as my sibling, i don't miss them in the sense of i will be upset because we aren't in the same place? i do miss my partner, but it's something i only actively realise for a few weeks after leaving / when i next arrive there, or if i'm in bad emotional heck that he'd be able to help me with better in person. so i don't know if that counts (i wouldn't be surprised if i got something like borderline's favourite person thing going on there) because it's not the same as the stereotypical romance movie thing... i'll go with no because he's an exception to the rule and if i think 'okay who am i going to miss when i move' it'll be the cats not my mum and stepdad (like. they're cool, but i can still talk to them?)

14. I'd rather go out to eat in a restaurant by myself than with someone I know. i think the only people i'd rather go to a restaurant with than go on my own are my partner and my sibling, both of whom Understand so we wouldn't have the awkward what do we talk about over food / can i listen to music / can i do stuff on my phone i'll still go with a close family member if they're paying but it'll be weird for me and they have to accept me Needing the music and well, given that one of my safe food places right now is just going to a pub on my own (so long as i can get a corner seat out of the way)...

18. I understand when friends need to be comforted. see: hyperempathy above. notable example: my partner finds it a lot easier to just move on from stuff than i do, but while i logically understand that the empathy still makes me feel bad if i don't try and comfort / make things better even when literally the best thing i can do is not worry about it. what i'm saying is, the sense of 'i'll comfort when it isn't needed' is a sense that can happen too and also is a false here

31. I have never wanted or needed to have what other people call an 'intimate relationship.' okay this one might also be skewed by demi because i. don't understand what most people mean by that. i know my relationship with my partner (likely also autistic) isn't exactly the same as 'normal people' relationships - we're vibing, and i know i'd prefer that to pretty much any stereotypical media relationship which i guess is what other people would call it? thinking about it - when i was younger, i did want - or thought i wanted - a stereotypical relationship, i got what i thought were crushes (i have no idea if they were). but it also might have been peer pressure? i don't remember much from when i was under 16 because ptsd so. and i was diagnosed around the time my parents split which might also affect it... i'm just going to go with true because i interpret 'what other people call an intimate relationship' as different from the relationship my partner and i have because we don't have the stereotypical stuff, and there's too many factors to determine what i actually wanted as a kid besides that i didn't have a major change of any sort on it... and also now i think about it most people probably don't count long distance either so

37. I am an understanding type of person. i don't. know? in what sense? it's again a lot easier for me to understand things if it's clearly something i've experienced. for example, if someone walking with a stick stops in front of me suddenly, i understand because heck random flareups. if someone who doesn't have any mobility aids or any clear-to-me reason for stopping does the same, i get annoyed because me then having to stop suddenly hecks with the fibro and i don't see a reason for them to have stopped, even though there very likely is one. i think i tend to be a lot more understanding of disabled folk as a whole because, well. even if it's not the exact same thing, i've got so much going on i can understand by tangent. but i get a lot more annoyed by a loud baby than by a loud adult displaying similar symptoms to me (like loudly talking to themselves or having a meltdown or such), even though i'm fully aware that the baby also has no other choice but to be loud... so i'm going to go with no here by reasoning of 'this is only the case in some situations' as opposed to 'this is the case in most situations' which would be a yes

48. I try to be as helpful as I can when other people tell me their personal problems. hyperempathy! the scoring system probably expects a false here, but it's from over a decade ago i think? i think the stereotype was low empathy. heck i don't even know if it's counting sympathy and empathy as the same thing. but yeah i try. i'm not very good at it unless - again - it's something i've been through

49. I have been told that I have an unusual voice (for example flat, monotone, childish, or high-pitched). wait that's an autism thing??????? they tried to give me speech therapy before i was even diagnosed and it didn't work :V

52. I have never been interested in what most of the people I know consider interesting. okay this is also a tough one because how does it define 'people i know'? as a kid, i wasn't interested in most stuff other kids were. that's fine and normal. now? most people i know are interested in at least one thing i am - because i know them through communities about said interest. i don't work and my uni is online, so i don't know those people well enough to say... i guess the best judgment would be 'am i interested in anything my mum and stepdad consider interesting' since until tomorrow i live with them, which... yeah. i think the only thing there is the cats. (and as of tomorrow i live with my sibling and their friend; we do share a few interests but not enough to push it i think)

53. I am considered a compassionate type of person. hyperempathy! but also i have. no idea if anyone considers me that??? compassion isn't even a word i've heard in the last who knows how long

Versil, [01/02/2024 13:14] Noun compassion (usually uncountable, plural compassions) Deep awareness of the suffering of another, coupled with the wish to relieve it. Versil, [01/02/2024 13:14] therefore absolutely very much so

though this also is an adhd thing so.......

59. Sometimes things that should feel painful are not (for instance when I hurt myself or burn my hand on the stove). this is hard to judge because i have Constant Pain from fibro but. i'll interpret it as not adding as much pain as it should, and a lot of the time i'll collide with something and say ow but it doesn't actually hurt, so i guess?

62. I usually speak in a normal tone. what the heck is a normal tone??????? i'm going to go with no because my speech goes all the heck over the place (which also might be many other factors) but

63. I like things to be exactly the same day after day and even small changes in my routines upset me. while 'exactly the same' isn't true, once i've got a routine i dislike changes to it, and in theory one could simplify it down to just basic activity descriptions rather than noting the exact so that two days where the only thing different is that one day i'm drawing and one day i'm coding would still be the exact same by virtue of them both coming under 'personal project'... i do have to be adaptable anyway because fibro is a hecker. i hate it though. but also adhd means i can't actually GET a schedule going so i'm constantly upset i guess :v i'm going with true because i like each day to be a vague templated routine i guess? the point still is that unexpected changes upset me so

69. I like to be by myself as much as I can. i guess? there's a few exceptions, but i'd rather be on my own than go to a hangout unless the hangout is specifically catered to an interest i have - for example where i used to play d&d i'll go there for d&d but i won't go and hang out and watch people play (for example) warhammer even if it's the exact same people i also stay in my room most of the time instead of hanging out with my mum and stepdad, and i wouldn't be surprised if a lot of times i'll be talking to my sibling over internet still after moving instead of one of us going to the other's room, so...

70. I keep my thoughts stacked in my memory like they are on filing cards, and I pick out the ones I need by looking through the stack and finding the right one (or another unique way). i have a sims action queue. if something's interrupted it's gone :)

74. I don't like to be hugged or held. again - this is one that yes i don't like this from most people but there's exceptions! i don't know what i'm meant to pick for these... for the majority of people this is true, so i'm going with true even though there's the few people i do like hugs from i guess one way of determining it is again, do i like hugs from my mum and stepdad, which. i don't dislike, but i don't actively seek out, so...

Total: 231 Language subtotal: 21 Social relatedness subtotal: 111 Sensory/motor subtotal: 60 Circumscribed interests subtotal: 39

227 The maximum score autistic people acquired in Ritvo’s seminal paper on the RAADS–R.[9] 240 The maximum possible RAADS–R score.

...yay?

If you don’t know your score, take the test here

[anotheruserwithnoname]

A Jenna DVD/Blu-ray guide (Nov. 2021 edition)

I know a lot of people have moved to digital downloads and streaming, but as someone who treats permanent media like DVD and Blu-ray with the same reverence as books (and who has experienced the “loss” of favoured shows on streaming because of expired licences), that’s still my preferred media.

With the holidays approaching, I thought I’d give a quick run-down for any fellow Jenna Coleman fans who might be interested (especially newcomers) of what Jenna productions are currently available on DVD, Blu-ray and (in some cases) CD. As I’m in Canada I’m going to mainly focus on what’s available through Amazon US (which usually aligns with Amazon Canada). If I know of something available in the UK and not here, I’ll note it.

Page break for those who aren’t interested or already know all this stuff! (And corrections are always welcome!)

Listed in more or less chronological order:

Emmerdale Farm: Jenna appeared in well over 400 episodes of this soap opera. I’m aware of no DVD release of her episodes.

Waterloo Road: Jenna appeared in Series 5. According to Amazon US, only Series 1 has been released on North America. Series 5 is available in UK format. At one point, all episodes of Series 5 (minus opening and closing credits) were officially uploaded to Youtube worldwide.

Xenoblade Chronicles: A video game, not a movie, for which Jenna provided the English voice dub for a character. Amazon US has the 2020 “Definitive Edition” (which includes new content recorded by Jenna) for the Nintendo Switch. You can also still order the original game for Wii and 3DS. Caveat: I don’t know if Jenna’s vocals are featured on all of these versions. Check first before ordering.

Captain America: The First Avenger: Obviously as a Marvel movie, this thing is everywhere (and might be the only Jenna production also available in the 4K Ultra HD format). Don’t forget Jenna is in two scenes (look fast for her as a camp nurse later in the movie. She’s the only one wearing white - easy to spot, especially in high def. It only took some of us a decade to do so!).

Titanic: The 4-part miniseries is available in BD and DVD in North America and right now is listed by Amazon US for quite cheap.

Room at the Top: No DVD or BD for this one, due to the rights complications that delayed its broadcast on the BBC for a year. Any DVDs listed for Region 1 are for the 1950s movie. The miniseries is available on Amazon Prime in North America for streaming. (I think its on iPlayer in the UK but don’t quote me.)

Dancing on the Edge: Available on DVD and BD, again quite cheap from Amazon.

Doctor Who: Series 7, 8 and 9, obviously, plus Twice Upon a Time if you want her cameo too. Day of the Doctor and Time of the Doctor are available as standalones. There’s also a 3D standalone release of Dark Water/Death in Heaven. If you want to get some of the more obscure stuff like the Doctor Who Ultimate Guide or Five(ish) Doctors Reboot spoof, you need to seek out one of the Matt Smith Years collections (there’s an expensive box set and a more recent version). Jenna also recorded a few lines as Clara for the Lego Dimensions video game and its Doctor Who “mission pack”. I believe this online-based game has been retired and I haven’t seen it for sale for a while.

Death Comes to Pemberley: Amazon US lists several places carrying the DVD, but not the Blu-ray. The North American release is the UK edit - it’s possible the PBS broadcast had additional footage (as was the case with Victoria) but I’ve never heard of any extra footage of Jenna.

Me Before You: Widely available (often in Wal-Mart bargain bins).

Thunderbirds Are Go: Jenna provided a guest voice (and her likeness) for the Series 2 episode, “Earthbreaker.” No DVD or BD release for North America is listed on Amazon (but it’s streaming on Prime). The series is available on DVD in the UK.

Victoria: All 3 series are available in North America (with the Christmas special included with S3). A box set of the first 3 series is available for DVD only. Unlike the UK, S3 only got a DVD release over here. My understanding is the UK DVDs/Blu-rays also include commentaries and special features not on the US releases. The US releases are the ITV UK edits and lack the 5-10 minutes added per episode for PBS airing (though on the plus side, whereas PBS cut a lot out of the Christmas special, including the whole “Victoria’s sexy painting” subplot, it’s intact on the DVD). If you’re in the states you may be able to stream the US edits on your local PBS station’s website. Otherwise fingers crossed that if they ever put out a “Complete Series” set (hopefully after a Series 4!) they’ll include the extra footage as “deleted scenes” or something.

The Cry: Although it was released on DVD in North America a year after it streamed on Sundance (UK also got a Blu-ray along with a DVD and theirs came out only a week or so after BBC aired it), Amazon US currently lists it as no longer available. However I have seen it at brick-and-mortar stores recently, so go get some fresh air and take a look/

All My Sons: National Theatre Live does not (yet) release its cinema streams to DVD or Blu-ray, but one of the few positives of C19 as it inspired NTL to finally start putting some of its broadcasts on a streaming service, available worldwide. All My Sons was at one point available but may not be anymore.

Corporate Monster: This short sci-fi horror film that was delayed in releasing for nearly a decade is unlikely to get a DVD or Blu-ray release unless it gets picked up for an anthology (it actually would make a half-decent Twilight Zone if they ever wanted to follow the precedent of the original series and pick up short films from elsewhere as filler episodes). It is currently available for free viewing (authorized) on the Omelto YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kYUf-Qncss

Inside No. 9: Jenna’s guest appearance in Series 5′s “Death Be Not Proud” is on DVD and Blu-ray in the UK, but there’s yet to be a North American physical release for any of the show’s season’s; it’s on Amazon Prime, though.

A Separate Peace: As part of a (sadly aborted) effort to launch a series of virtual plays during the first C19 lockdown, Jenna partnered with David Morrissey (of The Next Doctor and Walking Dead fame) on a Zoom-based production. As indicated, it was meant to be a one-off with no reissue planned or expected (and admittedly would look like hell even on DVD resolution). If you hunt around you might be able to find recordings of it online, but I won’t tread those waters further here.

The Serpent: The UK has a DVD release. North America may get one in 2022 once Netflix’s one-year exclusivity ends. Netflix does not release every show to DVD or Blu-ray, so it remains to be seen if The Serpent gets a release over here.

Billion Pound Bond Street: Jenna’s most recent production not counting the Boots commercial, this documentary is not available on DVD or Blu-ray in North America. It is listed for streaming on the UK version of Amazon Prime, however.

CD/audio releases:

The Secret Garden: Amazon US does list Jenna’s abridged reading of the children’s book from 2013, but it’s in the collector price market now. I have seen it listed for cheaper elsewhere, like Book Depository, so hunt around. It’s also available on Audible for those who prefer to stream.

Destiny of the Doctor: The Time Machine: Now out of print on CD, you can order a download for only a few dollars from Big Finish.com. I haven’t ordered anything from BF since 2017, but downloads before then were generally actual downloads - MP3 or similar files, not streams. This is the one where Jenna plays a new companion - as well as the Eleventh Doctor. It’s the final chapter of a 12-parter, however, so you may need to invest in the others to make sense of it all.

A Christmas Carol: You need to go hunting for this one as there are zillions of audio adaptations. This was an audio drama done exclusively for Audible streaming a few years ago. Last I looked it was available for free, but I’ve never heard it so don’t know how much of a role Jenna plays in it. Being made for Audible, it’s unlikely to ever get a legal CD release.

Pressures, Residential: a Black Mirror-esque short story recorded by Jenna for an Esquire Magazine-related fundraiser during the early months of C19. No physical release is expected but you can listen to the story - and read along with the text - here.

Beatrix Potter: The Complete Tales: Jenna is one of many celebrities (including David Tennant and Pearl Mackie) who recorded readings of Potter’s children’s stories for this CD set. No listing on Amazon but it’s available worldwide from Book Depository and possibly from shops that are well-stocked with CD audio books. There’s probably a digital version but I haven’t checked.

[monstersandmaw]

Male vampire x male character (nsfw) Part Four

Edit which I’m including in all my works after plagiarism and theft has taken place: I do not give my consent for my works to be used, copied, published, or posted anywhere. They are copyrighted and belong to me.

Sorry for taking 84yrs to post this. I thought I had shared it. Sorry. Hope you enjoy all the same.

Wordcount: 10,904 (story total: 23,704)

Heads up in this part for continued, but easing, tense familial relations, some angst/heartache (not heartbreak though), and some (consensual) blood drinking.

Part One (sfw), Part Two (nsfw), Part Three (nsfw)

Alec let out a shaky breath and crossed to the sofa, sinking down onto it as his legs finally gave out. “Vampires,” he said, hardly daring to believe the word he was uttering.

“Yes.”

“And you’re one?”

“… Yes.”

“And my family…?”

Sebastien’s voice was tight on the other end of the line as he said, “Hunts my kind. Well, those of us who aren’t registered with the ‘Guild of Hunters’ —” his tone turned acrid as he spat the words out, though he kept his voice low and quiet.

“What does that even mean? I don’t know what any of this means… And did you know about my family? I mean, before? When you started dating me?”

Sebastien took another deep breath. “Yes. I knew. And it was a long time before I fully convinced myself that you did not.”

If Sebastien had thought it was some kind of trap, that would explain his reticence at the beginning for sure.

“And were you planning on telling me any of this?” Alec snarled. God, his chest hurt so much. The deception was like Jeremy cheating on him all over again, only this time the betrayal was coming from two fronts at once: from his love life and from his family. Not that he’d had all that solid a relationship with the latter to start with. Perhaps this explained why.

“I hadn’t planned on becoming your boyfriend at all,” Sebastien snapped.

“So, what, I was just a quick diversion? A casual fuck you kept coming back for because I’m such a fucking chump? Is that it?”

“No,” Sebastien sighed. “Not at all. I fell for you. Like the horrid cliche I am, the vampire fell for the hunter, and by then I had no idea how to tell you. I’ve not been with a human before, so this is all very new to me.”

Alec ran his fingers through his dark hair to buy himself a moment. “You… You haven’t?”

“No.”

“How… How old are you?”

“Do you really want the answer to that?”

“Yes!” His phone was slippery in his fingers now from the sweat on his palm but he couldn’t bring it away from his ear long enough to put it on speaker. He needed answers.

With another cavernous sigh, Sebastien said hurriedly, “Very well. I was born in 1897 and turned on the battlefields of the Great War — World War I, that is. I was dying, and a vampire named Felicity who had been working as a field nurse turned me. My first run-in with your family was not long after I moved from France to America. They were working with the American Hunters’ Guild on a case which had nothing to do with me.” He let out a shaky breath and said, “I got in the way and I nearly died. Those were the days before the treaty, of course, and before I moved to England.”

Despite his still-spinning mind, Alec managed to croak, “What treaty?”

“Those of us who get our blood from sanctioned blood banks and do not live-feed are exempt from being hunted like animals.” He spoke like he was quoting from a law code; cold and clinical; detached.

God, the way he said it made Alec’s skin crawl. It was as if he were being permitted to exist on the grounds of good behaviour and, he supposed, that was exactly the case. Even so, Alec couldn’t help the next words that just fell out of his mouth. “So you weren’t planning on feeding from me?”

“Of course not,” Sebastien retorted but then appeared to rein himself in with yet another steadying inhale. “No. It’s been decades since I’ve fed from a human directly. I didn’t plan on starting with you.”

Alec slumped back into the sofa cushions and stared up at the ceiling of his tiny apartment. “Fuck.”

After a long silence, Sebastien’s gentle tenor sounded in his ear. “Are you alright?”

“No,” he said. “I’ve never been close to my family - my dad was always an arsehole, but… I can’t believe Theo’s involved in all this. He was such a sweet kid, and we were really close until…” he swallowed thickly around the rising lump in his throat.

“Until?” Sebastien prompted when he stalled again.

“I can’t believe this is all real,” he muttered. “Until he turned sixteen and started to ‘work out’ with dad. I was at uni by then, getting my fine art degree, but whenever I came home he was just… different. Harder. Sharper. More focused. Guess it makes sense now… Well, as much as… you know…” he gestured vaguely to the empty apartment with his hands, “… as much as all this can make sense. Fucking… vampires…”

After a heartbeat, Sebastien added softly, “Quite literally.”

Despite himself, Alec snorted. “So… where does this leave us?”

Now it was Sebastien’s turn to feel clearly uncomfortable. Eventually he said, “Alec, I don’t think it’s wise for me to see you currently. Not with your family being what they are.”

His heart twisted, even though he’d been half expecting it. “You still think they’d… what, stake you, or whatever it is that vampire hunters actually do to you lot?”

“There are many ways to kill a vampire,” he said flatly. “And your family knows all of them, probably more. You need to work this out with them first as well. Talk to your brother. He seems the more reasonable…”

“I can’t believe Ellie’s in on it as well. And my mother? Fuck…”

“Talk to them.”

“Will I still see you at work at least?”

The awkward silence told him all he needed to know, even before Sebastien said, “I just sent in my letter of resignation.”

“That was quick,” he hissed, stomach dropping. “You only just left.”

“Supernatural speed,” he replied bitterly. “Comes in useful for typing papers and getting out of awkward situations…”

That sparked another question in him. “Supernatural powers, huh? Can you turn into a bat too?”

“No.”

Then he thought of Sebastien’s Halloween outfit. “Wolf?”

He thought he detected a faint smirk in Sebastien’s response. “No, sadly. No shape-shifting for me. Felicity is not of any extraordinary bloodline, and thus, neither am I.”

“Right,” he grunted. “Of course. Is she… is she still around?”

“Felicity? Yes. We meet every now and again. She and her wife spend most of their time in Venice these days.”

“Her wife? She a vampire too?”

Sebastien swallowed audibly. “Yes.”

“Did Felicity turn her too? Would that make her wife your sister?”

“No.”

He frowned. “Did she know her as a human though?”

“Yes.”

After a moment of spinning thoughts, Alec asked, “Did… you turn her?”

“One doesn’t tend to turn one’s own intended. Between a sire and their turned, there can grow… tension. Not always, but it can be enough to ruin a relationship that was seemingly solid before. Something about exchanging blood changes the soul… or so we think, anyway. It was an honour to be asked to sire her.”

“Right.” Alec felt slightly sick. “Will I at least see you before you leave?”

“I think it best if we don’t. Not while your family is still… ‘investigating’ me.”

“Are you really in danger from them?”

“Quite possibly. My name is on the treaty, but…”

Something twanged painfully again in his chest, swiftly followed by the fizzle of fear through his veins. “But what?”

“But vampires and hunters are not supposed to sleep together, Alec…”

“Don’t bang the enemy? How very Romeo and Juliet,” he snorted. “Fuck. Why does every good relationship I have turn to shit?” he asked, not of Sebastien but of the universe itself. “What did I do?”

“Alec —”

“—Don’t. Don’t make it worse by apologising or something. It’s fine. We were only together a month. I’ll get over it. You’ll move on. Heck, you’ll fucking live forever, right? What’s a month to you anyway? Nothing, right?”

The bitterness in his own voice nearly choked him, and without thinking, or even saying goodbye, he just hung up and let his phone lie in his limp fingers on the sofa cushions. It lit up and rang a moment later, but he didn’t answer it. Six more times Sebastien tried before finally giving up.

Kay was an absolute blessing in the next few days.

He didn’t tell her immediately about the whole vampire thing, but after he’d calmed down enough to be able to look at Theo without immediately busting a vein in his forehead, he hashed the basics out with him, and then told her everything. Alec told her about his newly-discovered, secret family occupation which, apparently, stretched back centuries. He told her about the fact that his eldest sister and younger brother were monster hunters in their spare time, and he told her the real reason Sebastien why had vanished overnight without a trace — yes, Alec had gone to his apartment building, only to be politely informed by the doorman that Dr. Dulac was no longer in residence and did not leave so much as a forwarding address.

That, above almost everything else, shattered Alec’s hopes of seeing him again. Like thistledown in the wind, Sebastien had simply flitted away somewhere else.

She took it about as well as he had to start with, but when she saw the seriousness in his eyes, and when, three weekends later, she came to his apartment for a definitely-not-awkward dinner with Theo, she saw video footage that Theo and his father had captured from various hunts of supernatural creatures beyond only beautiful vampires. Then she believed him. Ghouls, ghosts, reanimated corpses, demons… you name it and Theo could tell you about it.

Alec spent Christmas with Kay’s family, and Theo met him for New Year drinks in the city, joined by Ellie. It wasn’t anything like the family dynamic he’d always longed for, but the new degree of openness between them went some way to mending his still bruised heart. Slowly. Gradually. Piece by tentative, honest piece. He never joined in, but Theo started to tell him a bit about what they did. It still sounded barbaric to him, but at least it was true.

He had no word from Sebastien, and the number he had saved in his phone had been disconnected.

With the arrival of spring, Alec found himself more than usually dissatisfied with his job. He was a good teacher, and he enjoyed seeing his students’ talents evolve and grow, but the ever-increasing admin ground him down, and the politics of the faculty and the university as a whole wore on him.

“Have you seen this?” Kay asked one afternoon as they shared a takeaway coffee beneath the drifting cherry blossoms. Petals spiralled down like pastel pink and white wedding confetti, and he watched with an absent smile as a terrier snapped and sprung around on his hind legs trying to catch them while his owner stood and talked with her friend nearby. “Oi!” Kay asked, digging him in the ribs.

“Hmm?”

“Have you seen this?” she asked, shoving her phone under his nose.

He blinked, refocusing his eyes, and read the article’s headline aloud. “Council offers artists the chance to win a sponsored exhibition in the town hall with this unique competition.” He blinked. “So?”

“So?” she gawped. “You can’t be serious?”

“Send me the link. I’ll forward it to my students. They might like that.” That earned him a smack upside the head, and he scowled. “What was that for?”

“Alec, you might be the dumbest smart guy I know,” she said. “I showed it to you so that you could enter it, you giant idiot.”

He blinked. “Me?”

“I saw those charcoals you did the other week of the cathedral! They were amazing!! And the abstracts too… I still want one, by the way.”

“It’s already wrapped up for your birthday,” he groused. “You really think I should do it?”

She rolled her eyes and drained the last of her coffee without gracing him with an answer. Of course she thought he should.

“When’s the deadline?”

“Next Thursday,” she said without looking at him.

Alec licked his lips and swallowed. “Will you help me pick some images to submit?”

Her answering grin was feral.

In all honesty, Alec forgot about having even entered the competition until the letter dropped through his door six weeks later announcing that, to his utter astonishment, he had been selected as the winner. Tears blurred his eyes and he sat down heavily at the tiny kitchen table. He’d never entered any of his own art into anything like this in his whole life, and the first time he does, he gets a whole fucking public exhibition out of it?

“Maybe this year won’t be so bad after all,” he murmured. “New year, new start…” His chest still ached when he thought about Sebastien, and he hoped he was doing alright, wherever he was.

Theo had been searching for him, probably by way of apology for lying to his big brother for all these years, but he’d turned up very little. Sebastien had gone to Venice first, it seemed, presumably to spend time with Felicity and her wife, but had disappeared completely after that, with only rumours flickering here and there that he was in Paris, St. Petersburg, Prague, and then potentially Florence. Maybe.

“Venice seems like a pretty sunny place for a pair of vampires to live,” Alec commented, but Theo shrugged.

“They don’t burn up immediately in sunlight, or your professor would never have been able to take a day-job at the university. They’re sensitive to it, some more than others, but it takes a full day of constant sunlight beating down for them to burn properly.” The callousness of his brother’s response shook him, even after all these months, and Theo must have seen it on his face because he sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said, and then added, “You really loved him, didn’t you?”

Alec shrugged. Yes, he wanted to say. I thought so. “I only knew him for a month or so,” was what he said carefully instead. “And even then… turned out I didn’t know him anyway.”

Theo, who had been lounging on Alec’s sofa with his legs spread and his head tipped back into the cushions while Alec made supper, asked quietly, “Did he seem… normal to you?”

“Normal?” Alec asked, not sure he’d heard his brother correctly.

“Yeah… like… did you ever suspect he wasn’t… you know…?”

“Human?”

Theo grunted and nodded his head. “Yeah. I guess.”

“No. Obviously not. Never crossed my mind. Why would it have?”

Theo scowled and turned his eyes to regard him. Alec knew that Theo looked like a younger version of himself, if maybe in better shape, and he wondered if he’d have the same steely look in his eyes if he’d been deemed ‘man enough’ to become a hunter, or whatever bullshit criteria their arsehole father had used to select which members of his family were to become soldiers and which would live normal lives.

“What?” Alec demanded.

“But you slept with him, right?”

“I’m not talking about that with you,” he said, briefly brandishing the wooden spoon at him.

Theo pulled a face. “I’m not asking about your sex life. Gross. No, I mean…”

In that moment, Alec spotted a flash of something in his brother’s blue eyes that softened him to the kid. He turned off the gas and went over to where Theo was now sitting hunched over with his elbows on his knees, running his hands through his hair. When he looked up at Alec’s approach, his face showed open vulnerability in a way he’d not seen since they were young children and Theo had got himself into trouble at school.

“What’s going on?” Alec asked, seating himself next to his little brother.

Theo bobbed his knee like a deprived caffeine addict and bit his lip. With glassy eyes, he croaked, “I keep asking myself if we did the right thing…”

“What do you mean?”

The bravado of Theo’s early twenties melted away to become a worried, frightened, guilty little boy again and he said, “I mean… if what we do is right…”

“You mean… hunting?”

“Yeah,” he croaked.

“What set this off?”

His brother quirked him a humourless smirk and said, “You always did know when something was bothering me.”

Alec remained quiet, just watching him.

“We teamed up with some hunters from Edinburgh for a ���vamp gone rogue’ case and we finally found her yesterday. She… She’d been turning people; trying to amass some kind of small army to take over from another vampire further up north. She was insane… like, completely, sociopathically insane, but… the people she turned… they were just…” he blinked, and Alec saw with a jolt that his eyes were full of unshed tears. “They were still just people.”

He feared he already knew where this was going. Still, he asked, “What happened?”

“Father wanted to put them down. They were terrified, chained up… still on the point of lashing out…”

Bile rose in his throat. “Oh god…”

“One of the hunters said she knew of a vampire who could help rehabilitate them; help them adjust to their new lives. One of them didn’t want to live as a vampire though, so father just…”

Theo didn’t need to finish that for Alec to know that father had ended the newly-turned vampire’s life in a heartbeat. “And the rest?”

“The other three went with the hunter. I don’t know what happened, but… I trust her. It’s just… father taught me and Ellie that vampires are mindless killers when they feed… that you can’t get close to them, that all they want at the end of the day is blood no matter what they tell you…  but…” he looked up at Alec. “You’ve been fucking miserable since the whole Sebastien shit-fest. I know you’ve been trying to hide it, and you’ve got the exhibition coming up next weekend, and that’s great, but… I know you’ve stopped putting yourself out there. And we did that. We fucked it all up for you. I just…” he ran his hands through his hair and sent it into wild disarray. “I just wonder if you could really have been happy with him after all.”

Alec pulled his brother close and hugged him. “I’m not going to lie,” he murmured into his brother’s dark hair. “I’m furious with father for keeping everything from me, and for making you and mum and Ellie lie to me and Angie about it as well, but… if I hadn’t seen Sebastien’s eyes go red — yeah, I thought it was just a reflection or something — and if I hadn’t seen the way he sleeps literally like the dead… I’m not sure I would have believed you anyway. I don’t forgive him for it either, but…” he sighed deeply. “I forgive you, Theo. And Ellie.”

“And mum?”

“I’m still working on that.”

Theo went slack beneath him and snaked his arms around his brother’s waist for a moment. “Thanks,” he mumbled into Alec’s shirt.

“You’re still coming to the exhibition?” Alec asked as he pulled back and went back to the stove, giving Theo a moment of privacy to pull himself together.

In truth, Alec was a little shaken too. Their relationship had been slowly patched over the intervening months, but it still wasn’t particularly close, and the matter of Sebastien had been a permanent, proverbial elephant in the room. That Theo was questioning their father’s teaching came as an immense relief to Alec though. He poured them each a glass of wine, and the two spent the rest of the evening in a quieter kind of closeness than they’d yet shared.

When the evening of the exhibition drew round, Alec was quite frankly, a bit of a mess.

“C’mon,” Theo grinned, patting the lapels of his jacket down for him and grinning up at him. “Where’s that Twayblade hunter courage, huh?”

“Must have skipped me and all gone to you,” he quipped back. “Fuck. I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous?”

“No fucking clue,” Theo chuckled. “You’re awesome and they’re gonna fucking love you.”

“Language,” Alec said instinctively and Theo’s laughter redoubled.

“You’re a big fucking hypocrite, you know that?” Theo laughed just as Kay sidled up with three glasses of champagne awkwardly held between her hands.

“Help a girl out here, would you, boys?” she asked, proffering the glasses to them.

Alec resisted the urge to down it in one — he’d probably only choke on the bubbles anyway — and filled his lungs instead with a big gulp of air. He tried to send all his nerves into the air and then blow it out of his body in one heaving sigh to leave him calmer, but it just gave him a head rush, so he sipped the wine and turned to look around the gallery from the corner where he’d been lurking.

“What if no one shows up?” he blurted, earning him a scowl from Theo and a pout-and-eyebrow-raise combo from Kay.

He needn't have worried in the end. The marketing team had done their work, and within an hour the place was heaving and all but three of his pieces had been reserved. Scratch that. Two.

The fact that almost all of his students had turned up as well to cheer him on and trade high fives, and scrounge free alcohol and food from the canape trays, warmed him in ways he didn’t know were possible.

Overwhelmed and a little bit tearful, he stepped out of the town hall’s main exhibition space and into the small corridor that led to a fire exit and a grotty back car park beyond, letting the flush die down from his cheeks. This was what he’d really wanted right from the moment he’d graduated all those years ago; to be an artist in his own right, with people buying his work at exhibitions… It almost made him giddy to think that he had a chance to do this full time now. It seemed that Sebastien had been right when he’d said he could really make something of himself.

Ah, there was the crash in his mood that he’d been waiting for. Nothing good lasts forever, right?

Would Sebastien have been proud of him if he knew about this? Would he have been there that night, by his side? Would they even have lasted that long anyway, even without his family’s interference?

The noise in the room was gradually dying down when he gathered enough courage to step back into the echoing hall. The pale wooden floors gleamed in the low light, the white of the temporary exhibition walls almost glowing, in stark contrast to the black and grey of his charcoals. He’d chosen mostly charcoals for the show, with a few acrylic abstracts for flavour, and apparently people loved them. Every single one had a red ‘sold’ dot beneath the label now, he noted as he cast his eyes around the room.

Then his gaze snagged on someone standing with their back to him, hands clasped loosely behind them, a long, silver-blond ponytail hanging down their back. And Alec’ vision slipped sideways.

Sebastien.

It had to be him.

No one else stood with posture like that. No one else was so tall and lean and elegant and god-damned graceful, even when just standing still. And no one else stood quite as still as that.

He let out a ragged breath and swayed slightly, glancing around. There was no sign of Theo or Kay just then, and only one or two couples meandered admiringly around the room. And there, fixated by one piece in particular, stood Sebastien.

Inhaling for courage, Alec approached and came to an unsteady halt a few feet away from him. He didn’t look real, somehow. His beauty had always been striking, but now in the low light he seemed like a mirage, with his warm olive skin and contrastingly pale hair, that cut-glass jawline and —

— He turned and met Alec’s gaze with dark brown eyes alight and glassy.

“You’re here,” Alec breathed, at a loss for anything else.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Sebastien said, and the sound of his voice sent a wild tingling through Alec’s whole nervous system. The man — vampire — looked uncharacteristically shy, uncertain, as he half turned to face him.

“Gotta say,” Alec said, scratching the back of his head, “I wasn’t expecting to see you again.”

“Should I leave?”

He chewed his lower lip for a second and Sebastien’s eyes tracked the movement before he blinked and looked back at the charcoal in front of him. It was of the Lady Chapel of the cathedral; one of the most tranquil places Alec had ever been. A shaft of light lanced down from a Gothic window high on the right, scattering fractured shards of light onto the stone floor, and behind it, just barely visible as a grey, misty outline, sat the small altar.

“You’re religious?” Alec asked.

“Mm,” Sebastien nodded. “Surprising, I know, given my ‘condition’, but there you have it.”

All the smalltalk then suddenly boiled up into thick irritation inside Alec and he scowled. “Where have you been? And why now? Why come back now? What do you want?”

He must have raised his voice fractionally because the couple admiring the seascape to their left shot them slightly scandalised looks, as if he’d started swearing in a sanctuary, and he bit back the wave of anger, halting it in its tracks.

“Shall we step outside for a moment?” Sebastien asked and Alec nodded tersely.

Passing Kay and Theo who were sitting in the chairs near the drinks table, Alec cast his eyes at them and watched Theo tense visibly. Kay laid her hand on his thigh and shook her head, at which Theo nodded and sat back, eyes hard, mouth set, but at least he didn’t appear to be on the point of leaping out and staking Sebastien on the spot.

Alec mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ at them both, and followed Sebastien out on to the street.

“You’ve patched things up with your family then?” Sebastien began, standing perfectly still beside the brick wall of the Victorian building while Alec paced.

“Mostly just with Theo, but yeah. Why are you here?” he asked again.

“Honestly? I missed you. Couldn't get you out of my head. I went all over Europe, and even to Asia briefly, and nothing I did distracted me from you, from leaving you. I had to come back.”

“You could have called,” he said, instantly regretting the way it came out like a petulant teenager’s sulking.

“And what would that have achieved?” Sebastien asked evenly. “I was hundreds of miles away.”

“You could have come back sooner? Talked to me in person?”

Sebastien sighed. “I was afraid that your family would come after me. I needed to disappear.”

“Theo convinced father to let you go. As you said yourself, your name was on the treaty, and you didn’t hurt me or hypnotise me, or whatever… did you?”

“No,” he said, pale brows pinching with evident distaste.

“Could you have?”

Sebastien levelled him with a dark look. “Yes, but… that’s not something I enjoy doing. It’s a survival mechanism — to make people forget what they’ve seen — it’s not something to be used lightly.”

“Ok, but you could have, and you didn’t, so that was another reason to let you go,” he said. God he wanted to kiss him. The realisation hit him like a gut punch and he turned away. Alec ached inside and out for those lips, those hands, those eyes… “Fuck,” he whispered, barely audible. “Are you staying?”

“Do you want me to stay?”

Alec rounded on him, frustration pouring out of him again. “Don’t answer my question with one of your own. Are you staying or not?”

Sebastien remained eerily calm, but a heartbeat later Alec saw that it wasn’t serenity in his eyes but sadness. “If you want me to, I’ll stay. I want to try again, Alec. I want… I want to be with you. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you.”

“Feel? As in… present tense?”

“Yes. It hasn’t faded. Not with all the days and distance between us.”

“God, you sound like a shitty romance novel hero…” he scoffed. “I almost believe it.”

Sebastien spread his hands and said, “I am who — and what — I am. You know me, Alec, in a way that no one else ever has. I was utterly myself with you, except for the fact that I kept my nature from you. I hope you can at least understand why, if not forgive me. Everything else was genuine. I have never done that — been that open, that vulnerable — with anyone.”

“Even knowing what my family are?”

“Even then.”

Alec looked up at him and saw his own reflection in those dark, rich brown eyes. “Show me.”

Sebastien’s angelic face soured into a confused frown. “Show you what?”

“Your eyes. Your fangs. Show me what you are.”

“Now?”

He looked around. The street was empty on either side, with the only people around gathered outside a bar further up the street.

When he turned back to say yes to Sebastien, he found blood red eyes glowing in the man’s face. “Holy fuck,” he hissed. Every already-chiselled line on Sebastien’s face had sharpened somehow, his cheeks hollowing a little, perhaps to account for the additional hardware he now sported in his mouth, and his eyes seemed a touch more sunken. And they glowed as if lit from within.

Heartbeat thrumming out a wild tattoo, he stepped closer and Sebastien went utterly still. His chest ceased to rise and fall, and he didn’t even blink as Alec raised his fingers to his left cheek. “Show me.”

Sebastien swallowed and parted his lips. Angling his jaw a little to one side, he showed Alec the elongated canines, three quarters of an inch long. “Careful,” he murmured as Alec made to touch them. “Vampire venom is potent, even in small doses.”

“Does it really do what the hunters say it does?”

Sebastien’s red eyes glittered almost playfully. “I don’t know,” he smiled, seeming to relax a fraction. “What do they say it does?”

“Drives your victims wild, acts like a date rape drug, makes humans lose their will and their inhibitions…”

At that, a hardness returned to his features and his lip twitched in a lopsided snarl, like a wolf backed into a corner. “That’s certainly one take on it,” he said. “It creates a rush of euphoria. It’s supposed to make feeding a pleasant experience for all concerned. Endorphins in the blood make the taste sweeter, and the human feels no pain or fear.”

“Right. Gotta say I like that one better,” Alec said with a shaky smile. “But I’m not gonna risk it right here… And fuck me, your eyes are incredible.”

“They’re still red, hmm?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

Closing his eyes and tilting his face upwards a little more towards the cloudy night sky, he inhaled deeply. His features softened again, and Alec watched, fascinated, as the slight bumps behind his closed upper lip slid away into nothing, presumably as his canines retracted into his gums. When he opened his eyes, they were their usual, endlessly dark brown once more.

“Better?” Sebastien asked, oddly self-conscious.

“No,” he said. “Just different.”

Something prickled on the back of his neck and he turned to find a woman silhouetted against the light of street lamp halfway up the road. “Friend of yours?” he asked, tense.

“Felicity. She came with me.”

“Why? Surely you don’t need a wingman… or, you know, woman.”

With a tiny smile, Sebastien said, “You make me more vulnerable than you realise, in more ways than one. And we weren’t sure if your family would be here.”

“Or whether they’d want to flambé you…”

“Precisely.” He inclined his head and the woman did the same, turning and vanishing even as Alec blinked.

“Can you do that too?” he asked, still gawping after her.

When he turned back, he found that Sebastien had stepped in close to him - close enough that his faint, woody cologne wafted gently around them and he felt his knees wobble slightly. He’d missed this. Oh god, he’d missed this. “Mmhmm,” Sebastien hummed. “I can.”

“Kiss me,” Alec whispered. “Please…”

Sebastien didn’t need telling twice. He took Alec’s face in both his hands and crushed a passionate kiss to his lips so hard that Alec’s mind went perfectly blank for a few beautiful seconds. When he came to, he grabbed Sebastien’s narrow hips and tugged him close, making the vampire grunt as their bodies connected.

This time, he took Sebastien’s ponytail in one hand and began to pull on it gently. Sebastien yielded at the pressure and tipped his face back, exposing the entire column of his throat to Alec without resistance. The gesture left Alec stunned and breathless. In his research with Theo over the past months, he had learned that for a vampire to expose their throat to another implied absolute trust. Overwhelmed, he pressed his lips to the bare skin and felt Sebastien gasp, grabbing at his shoulders suddenly to keep himself upright.

Over and over, the vampire shuddered tangibly beneath his touch and gasped sharply again, panting. As he shifted his hips against him, Alec felt Sebastien’s growing hardness, and at the same time, Sebastien drew back, eyes screwed shut. “Stop,” he laughed. “Not here.”

“I want you,” Alec moaned, one hand on Sebastien’s chest. “Fuck, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I want you too,” Sebastien smiled, opening his eyes. They glowed scarlet again. “And because of that, this —” he said, gesturing to his red eyes, “— isn’t going to go away quickly this time.”

“This too?” Alec said, boldly cupping the obvious bulge in Sebastien’s smart black trousers gently with his hand and making the vampire groan.

“Yeah, that too.”

“Your place or mine?” Alec asked with a dizzy grin.

“You decide. I’m booked into a hotel one street over for the next two days,” he said. “If that affects your decision in any way.”

“Yours,” he said. “I… I’ll just…” he looked over his shoulder and caught sight of the exhibition banner dangling by the door. “I should…”

Sebastien nodded slowly. “I’ll be here.”

“You’d better be,” he snarled as he adjusted himself and prayed no one would notice. He took a few steadying breaths on the threshold of the town hall and then disappeared inside.

Kay raised her eyebrows at him when he reappeared.

“Not a word,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Your hair’s a mess,” she said conversationally. “Is it windy outside?”

“Fuck off,” he grimaced and she laughed. “Where’s Theo?”

“He left out the back way,” she said. “But he told me to tell you to enjoy yourself tonight, and that he’ll stand by whatever makes you happy.”

Unexpected tears prickled his eyes and he tugged her into a hug that was probably meant for his brother.

“You can thank us later,” she said, shoving him off her. “Go be with your Prince of Darkness…”

“I’m not sure how much he’d like you calling him that,” he said as he stepped back. “I’ll have to wrap things up here first…”

It seemed to take forever, but he finally found the events coordinator and after an interminable conversation full of congratulations, agreed to stop by the next day to take down the exhibition and sort the sales out. His heart was thudding when he stepped back outside, but he let out a huge sigh when he saw Sebastien leaning against the brick building, face tilted towards the moon that was just peeking out from behind a bank of cloud.

“It’s like one of your charcoals,” Sebastien said without tearing his eyes from the sky.

Alec crossed to him and smiled when Sebastien met his gaze, red meeting blue. Alec slid his fingers into Sebastien’s where his hand hung quietly by his side.

“Ready?” the vampire asked.

Alec nodded, and let Sebastien lead him back to his hotel.

They barely made it into the lift before Alec was kissing him, backing him into the mirrored sides of the lift with a thud before the doors had even closed. He stopped suddenly, drew back and laughed, and Sebastien — who looked like he’d just got whiplash — asked, “What?”

“Vampires do have reflections after all…”

Sebastien rolled his eyes and gave an indecorous snort-laugh. The sound was rich and warm and it filled Alec’s whole consciousness for a moment. “It’s only the antique ones with genuine silver backing that don’t show our reflections. Technology has evolved, thank goodness. Now, if you don’t mind, you were kissing me senseless…”

“Sorry,” he laughed, grabbing Sebastien’s white shirt collar and tugging him down again. They nearly didn’t get out of the lift at Sebastien’s floor, but as the doors began to close again, Sebastien slid his foot into the path of the doors and dragged Alec out.

Clothes landed in a steady line on the carpet between the door of his hotel room and Sebastien’s bed, ending with them both in only their boxer-briefs on the pristine white surface of the bed. Alec was tipped back onto the duvet and lay there staring up at Sebastien who was now no longer hiding his nature from him at all. Red eyes blazed in his face and as he opened his mouth to breath heavily, the tips of his fangs were just visible. There was no denying that he was a vampire.

“Was it like this before?” Alec asked hoarsely. “I mean… did I just not see it?”

“I had to work very hard to rein all this in,” he said, kneeling on the bed and crawling a little way up it. His own boxer briefs strained at the crotch where his erection tented the fabric, and Alec’s own black ones were stained with a little spot of wetness where his cock twitched with eager interest. “I only let it slip once or twice, but you were distracted at the time.”

Alec smirked and then moaned as Sebastien’s palm skimmed up over his groin and over his stomach. He’d always been a bit self-conscious about the softer parts of him, but Sebastien worshipped him like he was some kind of immortal god, lavishing attention on him over and over until he was shaking and gasping and sweating. “Please!” he begged after what felt like hours. “Oh god, please…”

Sebastien slid off the bed and deftly removed his own underwear before encouraging Alec to lift his hips for him and drawing his boxer-briefs down too. Before Alec could think or process what was happening, Sebastien was between his legs again and had swallowed the entire length of his cock to the back of his throat in one.

“Oh fuck,” he hissed, mind whiting out.

Sparks of pleasure shot up his spine as Sebastien worked him alternately with his mouth and his hand.

He teased him, licking the slit at the tip where pre-come beaded profusely now, teasing the delicate folds of skin until Alec thought he was going to shatter apart with want. Just before it got too much to bear, Sebastien would take him back into the wet heat of his mouth and work the underside of his cock with his tongue, swallowing occasionally and making Alec’s head spin all over again.

His balls tightened and he spread his legs wider, instinctively opening himself to Sebastien.

The vampire moaned against his cock and Alec whimpered. Pulling off him, an obscenely inviting thread of saliva and pre-come connecting them briefly, Sebastien sat up and reached for the top drawer of the bedside table. “Vampires neither catch nor transmit diseases,” he said, “But if you still wish to use protection —”

“— I haven’t been with anyone since you,” he rasped. “And I’m clean anyway…”

“As you wish,” Sebastien smiled, withdrawing an almost-new bottle of lube and sitting back down between his legs. Alec eyed it and Sebastien laughed shyly. “I opened it last night…” he admitted and Alec grinned.

That smirk shattered into an open-mouthed groan as Sebastien’s finger slid inside him and he began to prepare him. There was nothing perfunctory about it either. Sebastien took his time to work him open, his fingers fucking into him slowly, almost reverently, until he crooked them and Alec yelled as white-hot pleasure shot through him.

“Still so sensitive,” Sebastien crooned and Alec just shivered in response. His thighs were quivering too now from the effort of not bucking upwards into the empty air, his cock drooling freely over his slightly soft stomach with each futile twitch. He knew he was a wanton mess, and he couldn’t quite find it within himself to care. It seem to drive Sebastien wild anyway.

When Sebastien added a third finger, still stroking up and down his thigh with his other hand, Alec broke.

“Please, please, please,” he whimpered, out of breath and desperate. He cracked his eyes open and looked down at Sebastien to find that his red eyes had been almost eclipsed by his blown pupils. He gave a weak buck of his hips to try and encourage Sebastien to get on with it, but the vampire seemed utterly transfixed by him. He worked his fingers over Alec’s prostate gently but with absolute precision, and it was going to make Alec lose his mind altogether.

“Pleasepleaseplease, I need you, please…” he wailed as Sebastien’s mercifully short and blunt fingernail caught him just so and sent another jolt through him.

Finally the vampire moved, but as he withdrew completely, the loss almost shattered him. “Shh,” he smiled, stroking a soothing circle at Alec’s hipbone. “I’m still here…”

Alec whimpered like a wounded animal but his foggy brain accepted that the loss was only temporary, and he watched as Sebastien took his own flushed cock in his hands and slicked lube up the length of it in a couple of efficient strokes, head bowing under the attention it was receiving at last. He’d focused solely, completely, on Alec’s pleasure for all that time, and the realisation sent a fresh wave of lust rolling through Alec’s entire body.

He spread his legs, but Sebastien caught Alec under his left thigh and raised his leg easily, exposing Alec completely. Before Alec could process anything, his tip was nudging at Alec’s entrance, and then he had sunk all the way in to the hilt.

Sebastien froze then, bowed forwards over Alec like a supplicant, canines openly bared, eyes screwed shut, not even breathing.

“Sebastien… please…” Alec grunted. He’d never felt as full and whole as he had with Sebastien inside him, and yet this wasn’t enough. He’d ached for this. For months, he’d ached for it, and still it wasn’t enough. “Bast, please…”

Finally, the vampire opened his searing red eyes and began to move.

Slowly at first, he picked up his pace until Alec’s back was arching and his fingers clawed great furrows in the sheet beneath him. With each thrust, Alec saw stars at let out little fractured, broken gasps. Sebastien was quiet, almost silent, while Alec himself was unable to stop the sounds from tumbling out of him. He moaned and whimpered, gasped and cursed and begged until Sebastien yanked him further down the bed and lifted his hips a little way off the mattress entirely.

From this new angle, it was so blindingly good that Alec went alternately taut and limp with ecstasy. “I’m close,” he gasped over the slap of Sebastien’s hips meeting his skin.

The vampire snarled then; an inhuman sound that sent the hairs prickling all down Alec’s body.

“Come for me,” Alec begged in a whisper, opening his eyes and watching as Sebastien chased his release with a ferocity he’d never shown before. He wasn’t careless with his strength, but he was certainly forceful. Had Alec wanted to grunt ‘stop’, he knew the vampire would halt, but that was the furthest thing from his mind as he watched the flawless perfection of this man above him. “God you’re so beautiful,” he whispered. “Come for me, Bast…”

And at the sound of his name, uttered in little more than an abbreviated wheeze, Sebastien went still, hips spasming as his spine arched back like a bow at full draw, mouth open, head thrown back, fangs bared, eyes rammed shut, a sheen of sweat covering his perfect, bronze chest, his silver hair falling around him like a veil.

The sight of him like that wrenched Alec’s orgasm from him with such sudden force that he almost blacked out, and he clenched around Sebastien’s still-twitching cock as he spilled all over himself. Vaguely, he felt Sebastien trying to withdraw, but he grunted, “Don't… not yet… please… I… unngghh…” Unable to finish the sentence as the last shock waves fluttered through him, Alec went limp against the bed, breathing hard, his blood roaring in his ears.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before Sebastien did finally move, but eventually he slid his softening cock out of him and Alec grunted at the cool slide of the vampire’s release down his thigh. He was too spent and exhausted to care about the mess though, and as Sebastien collapsed onto the bed beside him, he cracked one eye open.

Sebastien lay on his left side with his cheek pillowed on his bicep, facing Alec with his eyes closed, and he didn’t seem to be breathing. Tentatively, clumsily in the daze of his recent, mind-blowing orgasm, Alec reached out and touched the delicate skin on the inside of his arm. Sebastien jolted like he’d received an electric shock, and opened his eyes. They still burned bright red, but the rest of his face seemed a little softer somehow.

“You alright?” Alec asked.

Sebastien nodded.

“Been a while too, huh?” Alec grinned, flopping back down to stare at the ceiling where little points of light still sparkled across his vision every now and again.

“Not since that last night with you,” he said, words slurred with exhaustion. “Unless you count my rather pathetic climax alone last night, which I certainly don’t.”

“Not at all?”

He shook his head but didn’t speak again. The vampire lay perfectly still — perfectly undead — and perfectly vulnerable beside him without even a sheet to cover him. His cock now lay soft across the top of his right thigh, still drooling a little and making a mess on his olive skin. Not half as much mess as Alec was currently sporting over his torso, he mused with another smile.

With Sebastien showing no sign of stirring, Alec rolled carefully off the bed and headed on shaky legs to the shower. When he returned, Sebastien hadn’t moved, and he slid in beside him, drawing the sheets up around them and lying there to stare at him in the dimness of the unlit room, processing everything. Sebastien was back, and apparently wanted to stay. He could hardly believe how well that day had gone.

Waking the next morning with a cool, lean body pressed against him, Alec sighed, relieved that it hadn’t all been some kind of fever dream brought on by the stress of the exhibition.

The fact that the man next to him was an undead vampire who didn’t breathe in his sleep was a bit unnerving, and the way he had his cheek now resting on Alec’s collarbone and his nose pressed against his neck should also probably have been a bit of a warning, but Alec couldn’t bring himself to move, except to place a soft kiss on his forehead.

Suddenly, as if surfacing from boundless depths, Sebastien’s body heaved and he drew in a great, sucking, rasping inhale through his mouth. His lips brushed against Alec’s pulse and Sebastien began breathing heavily there for a moment.

“That will never not be weird,” Alec murmured.

“Apologies,” Sebastien muttered, trying to roll away. He paused, freezing, and then whispered, “I fell asleep…” as if that was something miraculous.

“Yeah, you passed out almost as soon as we both finished,” he snickered.

Sebastien turned his big, dark, doe eyes on Alec and said, “No, you don’t understand. Vampires don’t just shut down like that the way humans do. We only sleep somewhere we know is secure and safe…”

“Oh,” Alec said significantly as the realisation plunged through him. He tucked his arm under Sebastien’s head and tugged him closer so that their bodies were once again flush with one another. “I’m glad you felt safe…”

Sebastien sighed, trailing his fingertips across Alec’s chest in absent circles. His cock twitched too, and Alec shot him a look.

With a bashful smile, Sebastien said, “I can’t help that I find you attractive, Alec…”

“Wasn't complaining,” he grinned.

It was a long time before they rolled off each other that morning, with the sun well up and the sheets damp with sweat and tangled around their ankles. Vampires, it seemed, had a longer refractory period than humans, but Sebastien also came so big when he did that Alec wasn’t surprised. He gave everything to Alec when he came that Alec could quite happily lie there all day just staring at him as he came down afterwards.

The room was chilly, however, and when Sebastien seemed to have dozed off again around ten o’clock, he headed to clean up. Again.

As the steam billowed around him, he tipped his head back into the stream of searing water and nearly yelped as the shower door opened and let in a rush of cold air as Sebastien stepped into the stall as well. Cool hands found his waist and then strong fingers kneaded his arse appreciatively before Sebastien kissed and nibbled up his shoulder and traps to his neck. Instinctively, Alec tilted his head to one side and Sebastien moaned, pressing open-mouthed kisses there over and over as the hot water coursed around his lips.

The sensation must have been too much for him because he pulled back sharply with a hiss and Alec turned to face him, water still streaming down around them. Sebastien stood frozen, eyes red, staring at Alec’s neck. “I shouldn’t…” he began. “That was stupid of me… I…”

“What happens to the treaty if the human is willing?” Alec found himself asking. He’d thought about it a lot before drifting off the previous night. If Sebastien had wanted to drink from him, to feed on him, what would happen to the tenuous peace between hunters and vampires like him.

“Don’t,” Sebastien said through gritted teeth. His canines were elongated, Alec noted.

“What happens?”

“The only way it’s permitted is if the human agrees by written contract to become the vampire’s source.”

“‘Source’?” he asked. “That sounds like an official title.”

“It is,” Sebastien said, relaxing a fraction and putting his hands back on Alec’s hips. His cock stirred with interest and Sebastien smiled. He leaned back in, as if proving to both of them that he could do this, and kissed down Alec’s neck again from the junction of his jaw all the way to his collarbones. He ground his hips against Alec and they both began to harden again.

Alec’s hand went to Sebastien’s cock and he started to stroke him gently, knowing he was still sensitive from their last round. Sebastien let out a ragged exhale, the cool breath making Alec shiver slightly in the heat of the water.

“So…” Alec pressed gently, thumbing across the top of Sebastien’s flushed cock.

“Hmm?” he asked, a little stunned.

“What is a source?”

“A human becoming a vampire’s source means that the vampire drinks only from that human. It’s… an ancient - ah - custom,” he said, gripping Alec’s shoulders as Alec upped the speed and adjusted his grip to tighten just a little around his now fully hard cock. “Rarely used today, but still… nngh…”

“Mmm?” Alec grinned, loving that the vampire’s thoughts were unravelling under his touch. “Go on.”

“You’re a menace,” he laughed breathily, nipping playfully at his neck and then kissing him hard. Alec’s back suddenly hit the icy tiles behind him and he yelped, rearing into Sebastien who wasn’t all that much warmer, though the heat of the water was raising his body temperature from the ambient temperature of the room.

“So if…” Alec began, somewhat distracted as Sebastien’s kisses continued and the vampire raked his fingers through Alec’s wet hair, scraping luxuriantly across his scalp hard enough to make him break off and groan. “If… if I wanted to become your…”

“Don’t,” Sebastien whispered. “Not yet. Not so soon after… all this time.”

The subtext was clear. Let’s see if this is going to last before I risk my life with the hunters guild and your family, shall we?

“Fair enough. Nothing to say I can’t suck you off now though, right?”

“Nothing at all,” he whispered and then immediately cursed as Alec sank to his knees and did just that.

It was only as he was handing in his own letter of resignation that the truth really sank in for Alec. He’d gone from post-grad assistant in the department to a full lecturer, where he’d stayed for six years, and now he was moving a little way out of the city, and moving in with his boyfriend of a year. A vampire, nonetheless. His life had gone from miserable to wonderful in that relatively short time.

Sebastien met him at the edge of campus after he’d handed the letter personally to the head of department. Standing under the verdant cherry trees, Sebastien looked like a vision. He wore tight, dark jeans and a loose shirt, half untucked, with his long hair tied back in a loose plait, fly-aways wisping around his head like mist. Alec walked straight up to him as the vampire opened his arms, flung his own arms around Sebastien’s neck, and hugged him.

“All done?” Sebastien asked without pulling back.

He nodded and popped back down from his toes. They were both tall men, but Sebastien had a few inches on him still. With a slightly doe-eyed expression, Sebastien smiled and kissed him gently. “I love you,” he said softly between kisses.

“Come on, you big sap,” Alec said. “I’ve got to be out of my apartment at four.”

“Such a romantic,” Sebastien sighed melodramatically.

With Sebastien’s supernatural strength, loading up the little van they’d hired for his stuff didn’t take long, and after giving his keys back to the landlord and signing the final bits and bobs, they were on the road.

The old farmhouse had been a find of Sebastien’s, and it needed some work. “Well, what else am I going to do on long, impossibly sunny summer days while you’re running your own business from the little art studio at the bottom of the garden?” Sebastien had laughed when they’d first viewed it, the back of his hand pressed to his forehead in a terribly ‘put upon’ gesture. “I might as well spruce the place up.”

“It needs more than a light ‘sprucing up’,” Alec had said, brows raised at the rotten wooden beam and the tired 1950’s kitchen. “And don’t tell me you made your wealth flipping houses back in the day.”

“Would you rather I told you I robbed the Bank of England and they still haven’t noticed?” he replied archly before planting a kiss squarely on Alec’s scratchy, stubble-darkened cheek.

With a scowl, Alec had shot him a look. “I honestly don’t know whether that’s a lie or not…”

“It’s a lie,” Sebastien snorted. “I can’t believe you think I’m a criminal.”

“You’re a vampire,” he’d retorted. “You could probably have just walked in there and demanded a small fortune in gold ingots and they wouldn’t have objected…”

“Please. I do have some scruples. And besides, I only use my charms on poor, miserable artists to get into their pants…”

“And their hearts too, apparently,” he’d scoffed as they’d left the dilapidated house with Sebastien’s hand in Alec’s back pocket, fingers firmly cupped around his arse.

It took another six months for the work to be completed, and even with Sebastien’s not inconsiderable talents in the DIY and home improvement departments, they still had to call in a team of builders to fix the pointing in one wall and to sort out a few other structural issues. But by the end of the work, the farmhouse was quite frankly the most stunning place Alec could ever have dreamed of living. Exposed oak beams and a fireplace big enough to park a tractor in were only half of the best features of the place.

One clear, frosty evening in late October, the pair sat outside on the recently finished patio, a small cast iron fire-pit crackling away and sending sparks and heat twisting up into the night sky, a glass of wine each in one hand and their free hand clasped around the other’s.

“Bastien…?” Alec said, not taking his eyes from the mother-of-pearl points of light in the sky above.

“Mmm?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about… about becoming your source.” He didn’t miss the sharp inhale from his partner, nor the way Sebastien went completely still in the wooden chair beside him. He also didn’t say anything. “I’d… I’d like to ask how often you’d need to feed from me, and… what the repercussions would be for me as the human…”

Still Sebastien didn’t speak for a long time, and Alec worried he’d spoilt the serenity of their evening with the sensitive question. Finally, the vampire cleared his throat and Alec realised with a jolt that he was near tears.

“Bast?”

At the sound of the pet-name, Sebastien blinked rapidly and two mirroring tears tracked down his cheeks in perfect synchrony. “I thought you’d forgotten all about it,” he said in a hoarse croak. “I didn’t want to bring it up again.”

“You should have done, silly,” Alec groused, and he was met with a watery smile that didn’t meet his eyes at all.

“Well, to answer your questions,” he said, trying to sound unaffected even if he clearly was. “Every three months is safe enough, so long as you take an iron supplement. If you don’t, you might feel a little more tired right afterwards. We generally take slightly less than a person would give at a blood donation, if that helps put it into context.”

Alec turned and frowned at him.

“What?”

“You’ve gone all clinical,” he said, shuffling a little and setting his wine glass down on the edge of the stone fire pit. “Do you not want this anymore?”

Sebastien swallowed thickly and looked away. In the ochre and copper flicker of the flames before them, his suddenly red eyes seemed to glow like coals. “More than you know…” he rasped.

“Then what’s the problem?”

He chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment before turning back to face Alec with glassy eyes. “I’m frightened.”

Alec’s scowl deepened and he rose from his chair to straddle and sink down into Sebastien’s lap. Settled in his new position, he kissed Bast’s lips and stroked his loose, white-blond hair out of his eyes. “Of what?”

“Losing control. It’s been… decades since… If I hurt you, Alec… it would break me.”

“How about we start small? Just a taste?”

Sebastien looked so young then in the firelight. He suddenly looked like the twenty year old man he had been when he’d been conscripted into the army and sent out to battle to die, only to be turned at the eleventh hour by a nurse in a field hospital who’d seen something special in him. Thank god she had, Alec mused.

Alec leaned back a little and brought his index finger slowly to Sebastien’s lips. The vampire swallowed, red gaze drifting down to watch its approach before looking back at Alec’s face, searching, questioning, doubting.

Alec nodded and slid his fingertip a few millimetres into Sebastien’s mouth. The vampire inhaled, closed his eyes, and then opened his mouth properly. Alec brought the pad of his fingertip to the underside of his right canine, and pressed.

After a moment, the pressure gave way and a prick of pain like a needle pierced his skin. A bead of blood welled there instantly and he withdrew to let it swell. Sebastien clearly smelled the blood because his pupils dilated and he sucked in a sharp breath.

“Easy,” Alec said. “It’s only a drop.” And with that, he turned his finger over and held it above the tip of Sebastien’s tongue.

Paralysed in a heartbeat of terror, Sebastien sat rigid, frozen, wide eyed, but Alec lowered his finger to meet the slight roughness of his tongue, and Sebastien’s eyes rolled. He moaned and let his tongue play across the tiny pinprick wound, fingers digging into Alec’s hips. The tiny wound had already stopped bleeding, but he sucked gently, drawing a little taste more. Then he released Alec and stared at him, a look of stunned awe on his beautiful face.

“How was that?” Alec asked, briefly thumbing a fond arc across Sebastien’s cheekbone before dropping his hand.

“Manageable,” Sebastien murmured.

“Ok, I have to ask, do I taste good?”

The tense spell that encapsulated both of them broke and Sebastien cracked a smile, fangs and all. “Yes,” he rasped.

“So… I can become your source?”

“If you wish it, yes. You can withdraw the honour at any time. I won’t hold you to it.”

“Good to know,” he said, only half laughing. A moment later, he said, “When… When do you want to start… you know… properly. Formally?”

Sebastien’s eyes had drifted to the rabbiting pulse in his neck.

“Now?” he asked. “It’s only been a few weeks since you went to the blood bank though…”

“That’s…” he said, hands finding Alec’s waist and holding him gently. “That probably works in my favour this time. Are you sure you want this?”

“To be ‘yours’ on your terms as well as mine? Of course,” he smiled, and watched as another tear rolled down his perfect olive cheek. He tilted his head to one side, feeling a little sheepish, and said in barely a whisper, “Whenever you like.”

“Really? Now?” Sebastien hissed, chest suddenly heaving. “Just like that?”

Alec laughed quietly. “It’s not as if we’ve just met. I know you, Bast. I trust you. I wouldn’t offer this to just any old vampire, you know?”

Unable to stop the smile from twisting his lips, Sebastien finally relented with a nod. “Alright. But not here. You’re going to want to be more comfortable.”

“But I’m already comfortable here,” he whined playfully, wiggling his hips in Sebastien’s lap, eliciting a deep, rumbling groan.

With a roll of his red eyes, Sebastien sighed. “Stubborn arse,” he grumbled without sting.

“You love my arse.”

“Yes, you’re right. I do,” he said.

Tenderly he ran his thumb down the line of Alec’s carotid and inhaled deeply. “I love you,” he whispered. And then he leaned close. He took his time kissing Alec’s neck until he was gasping and rocking his hips against Sebastien.

“Please…”

“Last chance,” Sebastien said against the skin of his throat.

Alec shook his head. “I want this. I’m yours.”

So the vampire sank his fangs into the artery. After the initial surprise and sting, Alec’s whole body lit up as the venom hit his bloodstream, and he bucked into Sebastien who held him still with what should have been frightening ease. There was no fear behind the gesture, only longing and love and sweet, aching, rolling, unending pleasure.

“Oh fuck,” Alec moaned, going limp in his arms as Sebastien began to feed, withdrawing his fangs to draw more deeply on him while he held him easily in his arms. The vampire moaned, lips locked against his skin so as not to spill anything. The motion of his throat suddenly fascinated Alec as he swallowed down his own life-force, but before he could raise his hand to touch fingertips to his Adam’s apple, pleasure exploded in his mind and he forgot everything.

When he came back to himself, he was inside, lying on their bed, with a small, soft dressing over his neck, and Sebastien sitting quietly on the bed beside him, staring down at him and holding his hand. As he blinked his eyes, he frowned. “What…?”

“It’s intense the first time,” Sebastien murmured fondly. “I did say you’d want to be somewhere more comfortable.”

“ S’perfect,” he slurred. “Fuck me…” he added, more curse than command.

“Maybe later, hmm?” Sebastien smiled. There was a flush to his cheeks that Alec had never seen before, and a brightness to his eyes.

“C’mere,” Alec said, patting the bed beside him. With Sebastien lying silently next to him, Alec rolled over and hooked one leg over Bast’s thigh. “Love you,” he mumbled, sinking into a deep and exhausted sleep, even as Sebastien’s hand came up to cradle his head.

The vampire smiled, kissing his forehead. “I love you too.”

___

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