#i still hav chronic pain

[batz]

epic remission moment look at how fucked up my eyes were in 2021 (first pics) compared to now . i cant make sense of these weird eye pressure maps but the pictures definitely LOOK happier.

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

mgnrhgfhgh we're already halfway thru the month and ive only done one artifght attack..

im owrking on another but oh gosh my fatigue is relentless i want cuddles from netzach 3:

[nikibogwater]

Everybody sit down and strap in, 'cause I have a doozy of a tale to share.

I've had anxiety for literally as long as I can remember. I've had periods of my life where it was so intense it became legitimately life-threatening (don't worry I promise this is going somewhere funny). And this was really bizarre because I have zero childhood trauma. Like, my family life is so idyllic it's almost comical. Therapists would do abuse screenings on me and look utterly baffled when I told them everything was fine at home. They'd interrogate my parents just to make sure I wasn't lying. I have one friend who I'm fairly sure believed I was just severely gaslighting myself when I said my family was great, school wasn't too stressful, and I've never lived in a dangerous neighborhood or experienced poverty.

Anyways, despite no one being able to figure out where my disorder was coming from, my doctors were able to help me manage the symptoms so that I would like, not die, and actually be able to finish high school. Which was awesome. Now fast forward to late 2021. My big sister (who has also had intense anxiety her whole life which no one could figure out why) is finishing up her doctorate and getting her physical therapist's license. Somehow, during all her studying and schooling, she finds out about this thing called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which explains literally everything that was going on with us. EDS is a connective tissue disorder that kinda fudges up your body in a whole bunch of little ways, including dysautonomia (episodes of very fast heart-rate that kick your body into fight-or-flight mode), and hypermobility (unusual flexibility). It's a spectrum disorder, so the severity of symptoms vary from person to person, but we definitely checked almost every box on the diagnostic list. My sister went to see a specialist, and yep, she was diagnosed EDS positive. She immediately calls my mom and goes "I know what's wrong with Niki" (thanks, sis, that's real encouraging lol). Initially we're like "okay Katie, that's nice" because honestly this kind of sounds like jumping at shadows, but I go in to see the specialist anyways just to make sure.

One consultation and diagnosis later, and suddenly my entire life makes perfect sense.

Now we get to the funny part. See, the diagnosis stuff happened in early 2022. So by the time late 2023 comes around and we're looking for a new dog (I promise this is relevant), we've been riding that chronic illness diagnosis for a while. Once again, my sister, ever the proactive one, decides she's going to help us get a new dog. She scours the adoption website, sends us photos of the cutest dogs available, and helps us make a decision. This is how we got Beverly, who has been an unstoppable force of chaos in our lives ever since we signed the papers (but she's also really cute so she can get away with it). Now on top of being a very excitable and anxious pupper, Beverly's got a weird little gimp in her hindquarters, which makes her sit all splayed-out and funny-looking, and while it doesn't seem to be causing her pain, we take her to a vet to get it checked out. Vet finds absolutely nothing. X-rays are taken and examined. Still nothing. At this point, they go "well, we could try a CT scan of her brain, which would run about $5,000, and maybe we could find something--" but my parents are already packing this dog into the car like "well that is a HARD nope." So we decide, look, Beverly seems happy and healthy, and those gimpy legs don't seem to bother her, so we'll just leave it be until it becomes clearer what's wrong with her because we do NOT have a cool $5,000 to throw around here.

Readers more astute than my family and I will likely have already figured out where this is going.

This morning, my mom is looking at Beverly sitting in her funny sprawled-out way, and something in her brain goes "wait...weird physical symptoms with no tracible cause that vets can see..." She does a bit of googling. Can dogs have EDS/Hypermobility? Yes. Yes they can. And the listed symptoms describe Beverly to a T.

So not only is my sister the one to finally figure out what's wrong with me, she also unknowingly got us a dog who has the exact same chronic condition as us. Meanwhile my poor dad, who is the only Normal Person in our house, is coming to terms with the fact that he is apparently just fated to always love chronically ill people and animals, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

[my-traumacore-sideblog]

i rly hate 2 b the 1 2 get mad at ppl 4 liking things but im begging u guys 2 b more discreet abt liking horror games

u can like horror games that's fine

u can talk abt it and post abt it online that's fine

but pls tag ur shit ffs

tag everything properly

don't put fucked up images in the thumbnails of any videos u r gonna make

like idk i thought this was just basic common sense abt liking horror media but 4 some reason i keep seeing rly scary images of the game mouthwashing on every website i go on lately, untagged, no warning, nothing just- GUYS!

like idk im assuming its bc the game is popular or smth but it sucks so much seeing content that is genuinely triggering 4 me, like i know stuff abt this game but i never actually went looking 4 anything abt the game i just can't seem 2 avoid it, just, idk try 2 b more fukin mindful ig?! im not even mad abt ppl just liking the game and making posts or videos or whatever as long as they r tagging stuff and not putting scary shit in the thumbnail so ppl can avoid that content if they don't wanna c it w/out getting jumpscared

i think what's even worse is that the more i learn abt the source material the more i learn that the fandom is legit even more ableist than the villain in the canon source material

like...

im basically bed bound and rely on other ppl taking care of me 4 the most part, i can't rly move much and i usually only hav the energy 2 do 1 or 2 small things in a day like knitting or smth and the rest of the time im basically just laying in bed and mayb watching tv or playing video games (also still laying in bed) it's genuinely triggering 2 c how ppl in the fandom sometimes talk abt curly, im talking abt the "roll away curly" ""jokes"" the fact that some ppl think the idea of him having 2 use aac is funny the ""jokes"" abt how he would b better off dead bc being unable 2 move or look after oneself and in constant pain is smth these ppl can't imagine getting better from, it's smth ppl think is impossible 2 live a life worth living like that, do u hav any fucking idea how fucked up that is 4 me 2 hear as some1 w chronic pain who is basically bed bound!? some of u guys would b jimmy if u ever talked 2 a severely disabled person and it shows

everything i learned abt this game and fandom was without my consent and i hate all of u <3

[starcrossed-sky]

(previous anon) thank you for the detailed answer. my knees have no cushion either! and yeah, my body does not move the way i want it to in a few ways. standing still for more than a minute or so quickly gets very painful, and the only way to mitigate it temporarily is to walk slowly or shift my weight from one foot to the other if sitting isn't an option. i have to sit when i bathe/do dishes/laundry. i've mentioned this to doctors in the past, but they just tell me to exercise more, which unfortunately is not ideal because exertion makes my base level of fatigue worse to the point where i can't keep up with my day job. i'll put a pin on seeing a physical therapist some time, though; i have been planning to look into my mobility issues for a while.

about dieting- i've always been fat, since i was a child, and i felt completely neutral about my own body. when i was a small child, it was seen as cute and a sign that my parents fed me well, but by the time i was in high school, PE class involved everyone getting their BMI measured and i was classified as obese (32 or so). ever since then, my mother has been obsessed with my weight and mentioning how worried she is for my health and how i should definitely be on a diet because i was "ballooning" (said with terror and pleading).

but i was kinda never sold on it? i have relatives who're huge into dieting and would post their gym and progress photos on facebook, but some months later i'd see them at reunions and they had already gained it all back. i even had a distant aunt whose heart gave out because she gained and lost so much weight many times throughout her life. when it came to weight loss, my stance has always been: what's the point of all that effort and expensive products/services if it's so easy to gain it back anyway? i just want my weight to be stable, not to keep going down. unfortunately, i live in southeast asia, where being fat is seen as "you're gonna have a heart attack any minute if you don't drop everything and lose weight right fucking now!!!"

if anything, the only thing that annoys me about my weight and general size/shape is that it's hard to shop for clothes and shoes in my size lol. specialized plus size stores are always more expensive, economies of scale, etc. i always gotta rely on hunting for foreign overruns or secondhand stuff since everyone's so small in my country :p

Oh god, I can't imagine trying to shop for clothes at our size (I think my BMI is also in the lower half of the 30s... not that I pay attention bc that's not what BMI was designed for) in an Asian country. It's hard enough in the US and over here, Asian sizes are notorious for "plan on buying at least one size up from your US size, probably two." I hav e enough of an interest in Asian fashion that I go looking occasionally and immediately have to laugh in pain at "size: XL waist: 112cm" type size charts. (my waist for reference is 50in/127cm)

You should definitely see a physical therapist if you can find a decent one (I have no advice for this, on account of there being an ocean between us, and also I myself have never actually used one). I only had immediate pain from standing during the worst of my Bad Hip period, but I have permanent back problems and can't stand for long periods without an assistive device (which in my case means... a heavy backpack as a counterweight. Lmao.)

Also, as far as fatigue goes, if your body is running estrogen as your primary hormone, get checked for anemia! I had horrific anemia before getting on T, and it was a definite factor in my chronic fatigue.

And, well, yeah, none of what you described with your relatives is surprising to me, as someone who has followed actual weight health science all my life as a survival need. Humans tend to vary by 5 or so pounds in either direction depending on various factors, but any weight loss of more than 10-15 lbs (please don't ask me to convert to kilos I don't have that one memorized) is like... it's medically concerning... unless the person is dieting! then it's fine!

Yeah, bullshit.

Good luck out there anon.

[lebihanto-universe-blog]

Be Irresistible, Click Here Subscribe for more great content: ▶️ Recommended for you: ... Transcript leaving is like throwing a grenade in your own life and we may have had this fear Goring away at us that someone was wrong a long time ago but it's hard to be the one that lights the fuse that blows up your own life hello everyone this is Matthew hussy from love life International dating and confidence coach Matthew hussy is here hi Matthew on some level it can feel like I'm having to blow up my own life for the hope of a better life so it's terrifying because it's like jumping off a cliff without parachute I don't know if a better life is coming I don't know if I'm going to be alone forever and never find anyone again is love enough it's definitely not wow and I have something I want to say on that as well because there's something very very important that's in the book that will change the way people think about that love for yourself forever go ahead and share it up welcome back everyone to the school of greatness very excited about our guest it's my good friend Matthew hus he was in the house good to see you br good to see you man I'm excited about the book that you have coming out right now called love life how to raise your standards find your person and live happily no matter what and the thing I want to ask you first is about breakups because I've been through a number of breakups in my life and they're always painful and they're painful even though I know the person person wasn't the right person for me and I feel like there's a lot of women who stay in relationships too long knowing and you hear this all the time I was walking down the aisle knowing that this wasn't the right man for me or on my honeymoon I knew was wrong or a year when they asked me to marry him and I said yes something was off inside of me and I just knew it wasn't the right thing but I went through with it anyways because he was a good guy or I liked his family or whatever it might be and then they stay in a relation ship too long and eventually get into a breakup for whatever reason and the breakup is painful why is it painful when we go through a breakup even when we know the person wasn't the right person for us wow well I think there's in a sense there's two types of breakups where someone is wrong for us there's the kind where we don't know that they're wrong for us and we've told ourselves they are the one and then they break up with us cuz normally if we have hav told ourselves someone is wrong then we're just hanging on for dear life wanting to keep them but if they break up with us it's like in a sense there's an extra pain of we have to even get to the realization that they were wrong for us which takes some time because when someone breaks up with us our ego kicks in and tells us it's because you're not good enough it's because you're not worthy it's because and if you were just more if you just did better if you just didn't make that mistake if you just weren't so high maintenance in in this way you would have been able to hold on to this person and because you're not sexy enough cool enough successful enough interesting enough whatever we thin enough young enough whatever you couldn't hold on to this person and it often takes us time to realize this wasn't the right person for me some people by the way who are watching this still haven't gotten there it was years since that person broke up with them and they're still telling themselves a story that that person was the right person that's that's agonizing yes because it's you don't you don't get to ever kind of reach the other side of the grief when you tell yourself that you you're in chronic grief instead of the acute grief of breakup grieving the end of the relationship grieving the future you thought you'd have feeling the disappointment of it all and then moving on to create a new and better story instead you're in The Chronic grief of continuing to tell yourself a story that your

right person is is they they're still out there they just don't want to be with you anymore oh man then there's what you're talking about and they might be with someone else and they're with someone else and and so we we experience that grief a thousand times you experiened it the moment you realize they're with someone else you experienced it the moment they proposed to that person you realize that the you experience it again the moment they have a child you you're like you're experiencing the grief over and over and over again the the kind you're talking about where you know while you're in it that it's the wrong relationship I think the the Heartbreak there is the the so much of it relates to the fear and the disappointment of oh my God I'm I'm back on my own again and that fear of uprooting our life again of changing our well firstly if someone has gone as far as marrying a person or you've just been in meshed with someone for many years you don't even have to be married you could be your lives could be so in intertwined at this point that leaving is like throwing a grenade in your own life yeah friends family maybe you live together maybe there's you know all these other things that you've been intertwining and the and the identity oh you know that was my identity that relationship that was my life that was my life as I knew it it was my life as my community the people around me knew it so I now have to sort of recreate my life and build from the ground up again it can feel like for so many people of course we add marriage into it and often there's financial implications and there's you know sometimes there's children and it it the the comp there are so many layers of complication and the we may have deci we may have had this fear Goring away at us that someone was wrong a long time ago but it's hard to be the one that lights the fuse that blows up your own life and and it's easier when someone breaks up with us in many ways because at least we feel like we're on the receiving end I didn't have a choice but when but you're having to but I'm not good enough if they broke up with me then then I have that to deal with like I don't feel good enough but at least at least they pulled the trigger but to be the one you know it's funny in in boxing a lot of the time and you know this when you spar with someone once you get hit and you get hit hard it's almost easier to then retaliate but it's hard to be the one to throw the first big Punch Yeah it's like uh you you know and when you're the one breaking up with someone because you know they're wrong it's hard to be like if I just kept going with this it would just continue for another five years and my life not going to break up with me they're not going to break up with me so it would stay comfor the ball or it would stay but if I'm breaking up with them I'm the one who has to detonate I'm the one who has to throw the punch and that's the that's the hard part is we have to on some level it can feel like I'm having to blow up my own life for the hope of a better life which hasn't materialized yet so it's terrifying because it's like jumping off a cliff without a parachute I don't know if a better life is coming I don't know if I'm going to be alone forever and never find anyone again is life going to punish me for letting go of this in the form of never serving me up another great relationship or another relationship period you know am I some people is am I too old now to find another person am I going to go out there and find that I'm invisible has my window passed then you throw into it biology you know am I going to meet someone in time to have children because I know I really want to have children and is that going to am I taking that possibility off the table for me by leaving this relationship there's so many layers of complication that the Heartbreak is is so complex it's it's fear it's grief it's disappointment it's the anxiety of your dreams never coming true now as a result

of leaving this relationship it's all really really hard oh man you the quote in your book that you mentioned you have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up your own life and you say if you stay where you are you will never be happy and you will never be at peace and I and I'm assuming you're speaking around if you're staying in a relationship that is not working or it's not the right fit for you if you stay where you are you'll never be happy and you'll never be at peace and certainly one that's you know that's abusive or one that's narcissistic one where that you you have believed it's going to change for so long and there's been no evidence for the fact that the relationship is going to change you've tried everything you've you've brought you know vulnerability to it you've brought standards to it you've you know changed what you give that person you've done so much to try to make this relationship into a great one or a peaceful one or just one that doesn't harm you and it never works and there's never change there is a certain point where you have to say to yourself how many time I think the question is worth us all asking in life is how many times does something not have to work for me to decide it's not going to work and your answer to that question will dictate how much of your life you will you know throw into a situation yeah cuz you can justify well it wasn't that bad or my you know friend's partner is worse than my partner you compare yourself to other relationships where you'll do these things to justify and you're like well I don't want to be so strict where they have to be perfect because I'm not perfect but I don't want to be too flexible that I get walked on all the time so it's like a dance of of figuring out and it's almost like if you have to say how many more times am I going to put up with this until I get out it's almost like when you say that that's the time to get out because you're not going to change the person in front of you they're not going to change overnight unless they choose to change from my understanding you can't force them to change well someone has to be a lot for change to happen a lot has to happen MH you know like change is very very hard we both operate in a space that's predicated on the idea that people can change right so if we didn't start by believing that we're in trouble you and I shouldn't have a job yes so we start from that Foundation that you and I must both believe that people can change otherwise why make a podcast right but we also then have to get very sober about how hard changes mhm and what needs to happen in order for someone to want to change well look at what has to happen for us to change even when we want to yeah every year on January 1st most of the world in whether they articulate it or not make some kind of promise to themselves about something they want to do differently you we call it a resolution or I'm going to ingrain this new habit or I'm going to make a change this year or someone whether spelling out or just on some level feels this I want to do something different and and if only they're wanting it to be different made it different it doesn't it's there's still so much all our work is ahead of us after that and anyone who's ever been to therapy knows that you you you set foot in the door because you want something to change right you show up because you want something to be different and then you get there and you realize there's an awful lot of self-awareness around what needs to change for it to be different that you need to gain and then past that you need the the discipline to go out there and actually do the uncomfortable thing over and over and over again until it's starts to become something that you starts to become more natural to you or at the very least just something that's you a little bit less uncomfortable with that's like that's how hard it is if I if if I've got a habit or something that's hurting me on my life I might be aware

of it but now I have to actually do the uncomfortable thing and do something different to what I normally do and that takes time and effort and energy and and even then I might only change it by 5 or 10% but that five or 10% luckily is often enough to set us on a a different enough trajectory in our life that we can get new results absolutely and that's a wonderful thing we don't go to therapy and get a personality transplant right we might get put on a 5% 10% different trajectory and over time that creates a very different life absolutely so let's look at that in the context of a relationship with someone who's behaving in a way you're not happy with even if they want to change which is a big leap in the first place do they want to change or are they just annoyed that you're annoyed are they just frustrated that you're frustrated CU that's not the same as them wanting to change that's just them wanting you to stop being so frustrated or on their case all the time right so that's not them wanting to change them wanting to change is them recognizing that there's something about this in themselves that they don't like that they want to address or that they care about you so much that they don't they want to bring you something different and that's motivation enough for them to make a change right big leap then after that they've got to learn how to change and then they've got to have the discipline to go forward and make those changes and even if they did all of that which if someone's having this conversation with me if someone's having this conversation with me it normally means that that person's not doing any of those things MH right cuz we're still why we're still struggling so much because our partner isn't saying any of those things but even if they were the changes might be 5 to 10% they're un they're not going to be a personality transplant and a lot of people who come to me in really unhappy or very toxic painful abusive or narcissistic relationships are in a place where their partner would need a personality transplant for them to be happy and then they still may not be happy this I saw this video last week I can't remember the exact name of this Instagram account I think it's called stories from strangers and and um this guy made a video where he had people write in stories about their life uh regrets and he read an anonymous note from like this little Bull and the the note said I regret getting a nose job for my husband or partner who kept telling me he wanted me to change my nose wow getting a nose job and then two weeks later him breaking up with me oh my God and regretting Chang myself to try to make someone else happy who was never going to be happy with me no matter what changes I made and I thought to myself that is and now having to look myself in the mirror and be unhappy with who the person I am for those changes so my question for you is if someone is asking you to change in a relationship in a committed relationship and you change for them is that real love H doing it for someone else so that they can be happy or is it a lack of self-love and saying actually that's not something I want to do right now and I want to accept who I am in this moment my personality or my habits or my mannerisms or whatever it is that they want to change and I'm willing to walk away if that doesn't work for you that's a really difficult question and I get context and what it is and what the requests are I get it I suppose someone's never happy with you and they want you to change something about you m i mean maybe it's for the good like maybe you're overweight a lot and you getting in shape would actually be healthier and would make things better and you'd have more energy or whatever it might be I get it but it should be your partner wanting you to make the change or should the person be saying you know what I want to keep evolving and growing as a part of my value system in life and in our relationship and that's why I'm going

to keep growing yeah you know is it love if if you change for someone else it's a big question look I think firstly people alert us to things that we um want we that we discover we want to change about ourselves all the time right how many of the things that we realize about ourself we realize because of how that habit that behavior is experienced in relation to other people so enough people in your family tell you that there is something a way that you are that is affecting them and that mirror you know assuming they come to you in healthy ways or that they Point things out in a loving or compassionate way but that mirror is a wakeup call for you about a way that you are affecting people how your behavior is hurting people that you know we come we we learn about ourselves in those ways all the time in life so to that extent it's a in some ways it's a loving thing for someone around you to trust you enough or to trust the relationship enough to feel like they can be honest with you give you some feedback or yeah because I when I think of the most brittle relationships or what defines a brittle relationship or one where there is that that doesn't have that Foundation of safety and trust and love I think of a relationship where people aren't honest with each other about the things they're unhappy about because they're too afraid that the relationship can't sustain it I've been in relationships where I was I was so busy trying to hold on to someone and worried that I wasn't going to be able to hold on to them really that I wasn't honest about what I was unhappy with about that person because you didn't want to rock the boat or make I was afraid I was going to be seen as difficult or high maintenance or that it you know it was it was going to be one too many things for me to ask that person and you know I didn't value myself enough in the relationship to be honest with someone about how something was affecting me and and so I think that it's a it's an act of love for someone to even feel safe enough in a relationship to be able to tell us something like that that that they may wish to be different or that may maybe is hurting them I think that how we receive that and what we do about that is also an act of love now the question is how fundamental is the thing they're asking us to right change and is it possible for us to change it does it you know does it Force us to just shift away from who we actually are and that gets into all sorts of interesting territory right because if let's say you're a narcissist and someone comes to and someone comes to you and says like this pathological lying that you're doing is really affecting me or the fact that you never Gaslight me or the fact that you never involve me in any major decisions and that you make every decision unilaterally for our lives or you know uh uh the fact that you never consider me or I really these things need to change you know could that person argue I wouldn't be loving myself if I made all these changes exactly you know you could take it to that extreme and you'd say well that's a fine argument for the narcissist to make is that you're not accepting me from me this is who I am I'm I wouldn't be loving myself if I changed these things for you that's fine but then you don't you no longer deserve this person's company you know this person's not this you're not entitled to this person constantly being abused by you or constantly accepting that their reality is distorted by being with you or you know it's not they don't have to put up with it them loving them you if your definition of loving yourself is that you get to stay all of these abusive ways well their definition of loving themselves might be to get out of the way of you so you know I do think that we have to partly we have to say what kind of person do I need to be in order to attract the kind of person I want to be with if I want to be with a very kind and generous person well what's the level of kindness or generosity

on my part that is necessary for me to be able to keep that company and and in some ways it could be I'm I'm only thinking about this in real time but it could be the wrong question to say is it loving myself to be this for somebody else it it might be that I have to go what kind of love do I want to attract in my life because me loving myself is me giving myself the gift of that kind of love right but what do I need to be or represent what Behavior do I need to to model in order to attract that kind of love yes that is the kind of love that if I received it would be an act of love for me to receive do you know what I mean I hope I'm not getting too abstract with that but it's like no that makes sense yeah and I guess it transitions into another thing that we're talking about right now which is kind of setting a standard for what you want in a relationship and you becoming that standard as well and you hear a lot of women talk about you know they've got a list of all the qualities they want in a potential partner right if they're a single woman I've got this list and I know exactly what I want and I want which essentially sounds like a high value man they've got to be funny they've got to be kind they've got to have money they've got to be healthy all these different things and you and I I hear this a lot from women creating a list and wanting high value men he can provide and he's generous and he's kind and he loves dogs or whatever it is it's like this this standard of a type of a relationship they want from a man my question for you around this set of standards and high value in a relationship this is a two-part question what would you say are three positive signs that you're on a date with a potential high value person and part two of this if you feel like they are out of your league are there more high value than you what happens if you get in a relationship with someone someone that you feel like is out of your league let me start with the first part making it easy for you just throw layups I love doing interviews with you man you always have the these really interesting like questions I feel like this is what women specifically need to hear right now is what you're going to say so no pressure but why is that I'm just curious because I feel like what I hear a lot of women who are single have this standard they have a list they have in their mentally or they have written down in their journal or their diary or whatever it is they have a list and they share it with girlfriends right I've seen these lists they've ever told me or whatever it might be and I'm like well you're not 100% of all these things yet maybe you can be maybe you're developing into that great but I see you have a standard of what you want awesome and I've heard you talk about this before like make a list of everything you want then become that list and you'll be able to be a mirror of that standard in a relationship and working on each other with each other as you grow in the relationship no one's going to be perfect but you're going to be developing yourselves over time as part of your standards so what is what are three positive signs that you are sitting in front of a high value person and if you are not ready for that person and you don't feel like you're qualified or you don't have the same level of values that they do what will happen if you get into a relationship together and you're not ready for it so I I would say it's not for me to decide for anyone else what is their version of a let's say a high value person I think what everyone has to do is is get really in touch with what is actually going to make them happy in the same way that we live you know in a very mtic world career-wise where Instagram will serve you up all this imagery all these ideas around what a successful person is and if you're someone building a business you have to be really clear with yourself on what a successful business is to you because it there's going to be someone

who's you know who you follow who's trying to build an Empire and everything they do is about Empire building but but maybe that's wrong for you like maybe what you want is enough to live the kind of life that you want to live to be able to do work that you really enjoy and then to maintain that and that for you knowing when to stop is going to be crucial to your happiness whereas for this person they're on a whole other Mission with what they're doing and the scale they're trying to build you could say who's to say the high value business is the one that's building the Empire versus the one that's figured out a really great life for this yeah couple over here or this person in their family I think the value part is completely and utterly subjective how many people do you and I know who have giant businesses and miserable and they're you know like I'm in a stage right now where not to say we have a giant business but where we're at it's like oh there's there's something I need to figure out here because complexities there too much complexity and I I feel there's a you know we're on the wrong side of the the burnout balance equation and I need to figure that out so like right now I might someone might be looking at me going that's a really high value operation but I'm looking at it going there something off here in terms of what I Define as value in this point in my life which is peace sustainability the ability to keep doing it for a long time the ability to do it enjoyably every day I don't want to be as big as possible I I want to I want to do it in a way that I really enjoy yes um and so dating and finding love is the same it's we have a world that is telling us what to value and what a high value man or a high value woman looks like and we need to get back in touch with what high value is to us what's what's the kind of love that is in line with my what I value with what I care about because so many people those the lists that people do have whether they're literal lists or they're just in their mind is that so much of what's on that list is about ego it's not about what makes us happy you know ego is does this person fit the bill for what I'm looking for are they going to make me look good with my friends or family or yeah there's a great I want to I want to read this because there's a great there's a great Moment In the book about this that is really really powerful in terms of the ways that people I think get the lists wrong in life um yeah so have you ever seen the movie up in the air like George Clooney flying one the flying one he's conly flying yeah yeah yeah exactly um he's on an Kendrick I think it's Anna Kendrick um but there's a conversation between Anna Kendrick and uh an a woman who's I don't know 10 15 years older than her maybe even a bit more where she's Anna Kendrick is is dis is basically giving off her list of what she wants and in a in a man in a man yeah and she's heartbroken at the time that she says this like truly heartbroken because this guy has broken up with her and he was everything that she wanted and she says he really fit the bill you know white collar 6'1 college grad loves dogs likes funny movies brown hair kind eyes Works in finance but is outdoorsy I always imagine he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave in a perfect world he drives a forerunner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab and a nice smile it there's nothing there's nothing in that description about how this person makes her feel about actual like great values that this person has it's a it's like a casting call right list and it's extraordinary to me how many times people when they're describing when someone says to me I'm really struggling to get over this person I say well what was it about them you would be shocked when people say what it was how little it often has to do with how this person treated them really how no what do they what do they say usually is about more like he it was

how they showed up on paper how they yeah like they would this they were like basically they described their eligibility and they're and also but it could also be they're funny and they're just so like you know I don't know I just you know they could say we had such a great time together when we were together or we had this amazing connection or but they'll often describe how impressive the person is and what they don't say is they was so good to me or they showed up so consistently in my life or they really saw me or I really felt like I could be everything like I could be exactly myself with this person that's big you know it it's so rarely those things that get described about missing someone it's about yeah it's more about idolizing that person or it's about like worshiping how great that person was but it's not about how great that person was for them how they made them feel yeah what I heard you say was consistently because some people might say well we had an amazing times and he made me feel so good but was it consistent maybe it was good every other week I had someone asked me recently I had Matt what do you do when you have an epic connection with someone on a date and then they ghost you afterwards and I'm like what do you mean an EP like you know I get it we can go on a date and have this incredible moment with someone we can have an incredible time with someone but what does that what value is that if it doesn't continue right it's literally worthless if it doesn't continue if what you want is a relationship and it a connection doesn't turn into a relationship then by your standards of what you value which is a relationship it's worthless it means nothing it it doesn't a relationship by definition continues what if someone listening or watching is saying well that that sounds great but I don't want to that was an amazing day or weekend that I had with this person and I don't want to go to some boring relationship where we don't have this connection yeah so I don't want to lose that opportunity of like finding someone who can recreate that feeling for me consistently is that even a vision we should be thinking about these like explosive weekends or one night that was like magical moments Is that real life consistently well I think you can't firstly you can't you've run a marathon I haven't it's hard man it is hard almost broke me when you run a marathon did you get upset about your pace compared to when you've run a 100 meter sprint no no because they're different races yes like they're completely different things you can't compare the endurance energy and the muscles that are necessary to run how how many miles is a marathon 20 26.2 26.2 to run 26.2 miles compared to the fast twitch muscle required to run 100 met Sprint that's true they're very different things and a lot of the time we compare someone that we have a healthy situation with to the peak of what so you might have felt on what is the equivalent of a vacation romance right where you the most exciting thing the the excitement was in heart generated by the fact that you were leaving mhm so how does someone replicate that situation it's the same way when someone's awesome for three months and then they disappear and and it the the the Rel the idea of the relationship is like this insect Frozen in in Ember mhm that doesn't it always is Frozen in time as the peak of that experience yes instead of what it might have been in year three or year 30 which would have been a very different thing so we have to be very careful about how we I always say don't comparison shop for chemistry like you can't you can't draw these unfair comparisons even like there are relationships people where people say to me I just want the kind of chemistry I had in my last relationship and then when they talk about their last relationship what's very evident is that they never really feel like they had the the person so they're always like even even in the relationship they're always like

almost like chasing always feeling like I'm just trying to secure the person they're technically they're with them but they're always feeling like they haven't quite made the sale and if you feel like that then in a way that you the chemistry of early dating Never Dies because it's more anxious energy than it is chemistry unnown going be like they not like me your your brain is being hijacked by this Chase all the time and anytime you have sex with them of course it feels amazing because you're like just a feeling of I have them for for a moment and they're mine and they're you know I feel good right now but then you feel anxious again because the next day they don't call you all day or they don't call you for three days or whatever it's like you're constantly in that tension so try when someone comes along and they're loving you in a healthy way and they make you feel accepted and at home for who you are and you could be vulnerable and they're still there the next day and they are very clear that they would like to see you this weekend and when you experience that and you go I just how do I experience the chemistry that I had with that really unsafe person with a safe person like it doesn't you're asking for two for a feeling to be reproduced in this situation where it doesn't get reproduced in that way so this is what I mean by us I'm not saying you can't have chemistry in in a long-term healthy relationship you could have amazing chemistry you can have amazing attraction I don't think people should sacrifice that but what we call Chemistry we have to be really careful of measuring the chemistry of something that is more peaceful against something that was all about the spikes is a very dangerous thing to do um I agree with that and yeah to add into that I think this is an interesting one I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine a couple days ago who was talking about how he he struggled in relationships in the past and he was talking about he's trying to do things differently this time in the relationship he's in and he said he had a state of the union conversation night with his with his partner and he was like I started asking all these painful questions that were very scary for me to ask because we just moved in together it's been over a year a year and a half now and trying to get clear on where we're going in the future and values and vision and you know all these different things and he goes it was really painful but it brought us closer together and it created more intimacy and it's making me even more excited about the future that's great so I'm curious for you because I feel like a lot of people are unwilling to ask painful questions early in the relationship out of fear of it not working out so I'm curious what are the painful questions or conversations we should be having with someone early in the relation relationship that may cause pain and discomfort now but will not cause bigger problems in the future and will allow you to see if you're on the right path or not I well I think uh firstly when things come up that are where alarm Bells go off for you or where it just it doesn't have to mean they something that's explicitly wrong but they might be doing there might be something that makes you go oh this is not aligned with me and you can't skip over those moments don't dismiss those moments no be willing to open up a conversation about those things and see what happens when you open up a conversation about that thing you know I literally wrote an entire chapter in this book called have hard conversations because having hard conversations is your your life will get better in direct proportion to the number of hard conversations you are willing to have mhm and so when you see something you don't like do you do you talk about it there's elegant ways to talk about it there's compassionate ways to talk about it there's ways to talk about it kind of with open Palms where you get someone to just talk about

why they did that or where that came from or what that you know what that is use it to gain an understanding of them but what you're really doing the whole time is you're trying to assess it that thing I didn't like just then is it indicative of a completely different value system than me or actually when I learn more about it do I realize oh we have the same value system it just it just comes out in a different way for you in which case that might be a positive thing how does having the conversation go in general do you learn in those because in those moments you learn whether you can have a hard conversation with someone yes or a challenging conversation or an awkward conversation or a vulnerable conversation you learn if you can even have them and any great relationship is capable of is is robust enough to be able to have difficult conversations and come out stronger so I think even just the ability to use certain situations as a chance to have an open conversation if someone shames you judges you puts you down for having the conversation tries to kind makes you feel like you're treading on eggshells the next time you want to have a hard conversation that's fun then you're learning already that this relationship doesn't create space for these conversations to happen and that's a relationship where you're going to be incredibly unhappy over time so I think those are important moments to do it so that's kind of a reactive version right but the other time to do it is in almost uh being more proactive about knowing the things that you want for yourself down the line knowing the values that are really important to you in a relationship and bringing those things up like how what's your entry point for bringing something up like I A friend of mine I wrote uh uh about in the book her name is Tanya she um she had had a very very busy career for a long time and was at a point in her life where she wanted a relationship and she also knew she wanted a family she wanted marriage she wanted kids and she got to the point where she just would be very not upfront with people about asking like do you want that with me it would that she would never do that but do you want to have kids do you want to be married yeah she would literally bring those things up proactively and say you know but she would almost start with herself so she'd say I'm really excited you know whenever they asked her a question about her loved life she'd say I'm really I'm in a place in my life where I've worked hard for a long time I've put a lot of focus into my career I feel like I'm ready now like I get really excited about the idea of um being married I get excited about the idea of being a mom that's something I really want for myself at some point and by saying that she wasn't saying I want it tomorrow but by saying that she was very clearly putting her cards on the table about what was important to her she wasn't trying to play cool and indifferent and like he you know just see what life throws at me I don't care yeah she's like very clearly like this is something I'm excited about in my life how about you and then you're inviting someone to the conversation MH you're doing it in a way where you're making it it's a very positive thing this is you know often we think of the things we want as our baggage how do I bring up the fact that I want kids or that I want to get married or like I don't want to scare and I don't want we we come at it from this place of like it's I'm fearful of putting my intentions on the table but if you what she did very well is she didn't make them her intentions for someone else she made them her intentions for herself she was just letting the person in on those intentions and then she was asking what their intentions were for themsel so in doing that you're not making it about like we're on you know date four and having this conversation that's way ahead of where we are right now for ourselves for for each other I mean it was more I'm the

same way that I might on a date talk about how I'm excited to start this business in the next few years well what's the difference between that and I'm excited to be married in the next few years or I'm excited to have a family in the next few years like what's the difference they're all just things they're all goals of yours they're all things you're excited about for your life so why attach all this baggage to the one that you know might one day involve someone else it's because we our our fear of getting rejected is getting involved and saying they're going to make they're going to think that I'm putting pressure on them or whatever but actually if we own it as our intentions and and we own the fact that they haven't even they're not even at the point where we could know that we like you're not at the point where I know I could want that with you right now right right there's aund more little experiences we need to go through before I would ever know that you're the person that I want for that so how could it be about you right now this is about me but I'm curious to know whether you know what it is you want in your life because if for you you told me today oh I categorically never want to have kids right and that's important to me then hey that's cool I get it let's have a great dinner and and and then see you later yeah yeah have a good one exactly it's so interesting you say this because uh Martha did a really good job of being curious with her questions with me early on and not reacting or being like I can't believe that's what you want right now Neal yeah just kind of being like curious about tell me about this and tell me about this and tell me about your past and all these things where she wasn't reactive in making me wrong or shameful for my life right and she wasn't like oh that's really scary or something like that she was more Curious and just paying attention and noticing and there was about maybe a a month and a half in of us dating maybe was two months I can't remember we weren't officially committed yet but we were dating and seeing you know having hundred of those of those little moments she said hey I want to ask you a question with a pause and I was like okay what is this I've already told you this before she was like what are your prior she said what are your priorities in life I think every woman says this at some point to some guy they're dating what are your priorities and um and I got sad in that moment I got sad because For the First Time I was like man I really like her and I feel like there's We're In Harmony in a lot of areas we're in alignment in a lot of areas but every time I've shared my priorities in previous relationships there's always a negative reaction there's always a pain an anger an upset something so I was like I'm really sad because and I said this to her I said I'm going to tell you the truth of my priorities but I think this is the last conversation we might have and I was really I was really sad because I was like dang it I'm really enjoying my time with her and I just don't know if she's willing to accept the priorities of my life right now and she kind of got a little she was like what is it she thought it was GNA be some horrible thing or something right so I'm like like listen I'm I want to this whole time I've known you I've been 100% honest with you about everything even stuff that's uncomfortable for me from my past or shameful things and so my priority is to continue to be honest with you but I just don't think you can handle what I'm about to tell you and I don't think you're going to accept it and she eventually was like listen trust me I'll be able to handle it and I said okay I just no woman has ever handled my response to this question before but it's nice knowing you it's been nice knowing you and I was really sad I was really sad before I shared it and I said listen uh my first priority in life and this may change in the future but this is where I'm at right now in

this season of my life my first priority is my health because I want to be healthy I want to make sure I'm taking care of my mental health physical spiritual health so I need time every day to take care of that and that's a number one priority if I don't take care of Health I'm not going to have good energy I'm not going to be as happy I'm going to be you know cranky and that's not the life I want to live so that's the first priority for me and I've told that to previous relationships and every girl I was dating got mad at me for saying Health as number one as opposed to them as number one the relationship and she didn't react right away so I was like okay priority number two you're not gonna like this hold on it gets worse yes priority number two you're not GNA like this it's still not going to be you if we're in a relationship priority number two is my vision is my purpose in life what I feel you know I don't know the the the magic and the Miracle of Life and why we're here I don't know the answer to but I do know that there's some type of calling inside of me some type of voice some type of pull telling me that I need to continue to grow continue to develop and to serve Humanity in a specific way as my purpose for this season of life and that requires a lot of time a lot of energy and a lot of attention and I know if I'm not taking care of my energy with that priority I will be frustrated cranky grumpy I'll feel like something's off inside of me because I'm pulling myself away from my purpose of this season of life and that's priority number two it's still not you or if we get together it won't be you right and uh she didn't react right away she's just kind of like okay and what else and I said priority number three in my in my life right now is my my intimate relationship you know if that's with you or whatever it might be it'll be creating a healthy loving environment a peaceful environment in a relationship so we can Thrive together in a relationship and those are my top three priorities and I'm just kind of waiting for her to say okay see you later but she goes I love that you know that's really beautiful and I've and I've always wanted to meet a man who valued their health valued their purpose and valued the relationship and I said really you're not like you're not going to run away you're not afraid of that she said no she goes that makes sense to me and it was an alignment with her as well and I said listen the reason I'm saying this because if I'm extremely healthy and taking care of mentally physically spiritually if I'm on purpose on a daily consistent basis I'm going to be more alive I'm going to have more energy and you're going to feel like the number one priority you will feel my love my appreciation my attention my care my thoughtfulness my generosity a thousandfold than if I made you the number one priority and I neglected health and I neglected purpose that would only last so long where I could pour into you as my only priority top priority and then everything else is secondary and so you will feel like number one priority if you're in alignment with me with these other two and it was a beautiful experience because I thought the relationship was going to be over but instead that's when it started MH when it was like okay I'm able to have a challenging conversation and share these things vulnerably the fear that you may not like what I'm about to say and if I'm accepted with that then it felt like it was just starting to begin with that challenging conversation and I think a lot of us get afraid of opening up we get afraid of talking about these things or even like you said like you know my intention is to have a family one day it doesn't have to be with you starting next month which that would scare me away if someone was like I need this bu next month we need to make this happen i' like that doesn't work for me we don't know each other but um I think having these uncomfortable conversations earlier on will

create more freedom later in the future do you think that with you the more you have felt safe in your relationship the more you felt like she really has your back and you feel like you know she's sort of anticipating your needs or the things you know like she's really just unbelievable teammate do do you feel you would do you feel you would give that same answer today that you gave back then or do you feel like back then there was almost a instinctive sort of protecting yourself from times where you didn't feel like the person you were with truly had your back and therefore because they didn't necessarily care about your health or your well-being or the things that were important to you you had to do all of the caring about the things that were important to you and almost projecting it out there I can't trust you to have my back on these things because I've been through so much where it felt like I didn't you know if I didn't if I didn't have my hold back on these things I would get steamrolled yeah but I'm curious if you feel like now almost I still say that yeah like whether whether it feels as as clear-cut as that or you feel again I mean if I'm thinking like 20 years in the future right or three years in the future two years five 10 years in the future and I'm thinking about we have kids now you know it's a different season of Life all these different things I still think my top three priorities would be my health spiritual physical mental you know my connection to my health and that's a spiritual connection to God and all these different things because a lot of people say they put you know God as their first priority I consider that as part of my first priority like my connection my spiritual connection because if I don't have that physical mental emotional connection with self I'm going to be disconnected from others and I'm not going to have the energy to be present to others at the best level so I feel like that's got to be priority number one I and I still think think we all are here for a purpose and if we are neglecting our purpose in the season of life that we have with that purpose as purpose may change then we're neglecting the reason of our existence and if we neglect that we feel out of alignment we don't feel like something's off inside of me I'm not doing or using my talents in the best abilities with where I'm at so I feel like I if I wasn't putting that as a high priority I'd be feel off inside and therefore I wouldn't be as good to other people people I want to be as valuable present caring or generous because I'd be frustrated with self so that's why I think those two things would still be just important you know two years 10 10 years from now and then my intimate relationship would be and again it's not like it's less than it doesn't get any energy or any attention it's just like making sure this is at the Forefront then that's on the Forefront and the relationship but because one and two at a high level again it feels like number three is number one it feels like the relationship is the top priority because I'm taking care of self and that relationship with my purpose at a high level and it doesn't mean I'm perfect every day or I'm you know not frustrated at times or not or I'm impatient or whatever it might be and that means oh something was off in one or two I got to get back in alignment with those things so and the fact that she loves that and she encourages me yeah go work out um and she and she reminds me almost weekly and she's really smart the way she communicates with me cuz she she's just like man it's so attractive of like how you care so deeply about your purpose she's really smart and how she communicates she go I love the way you just care about people so much in your mission and and you know what you're creating with your team like because she'll see people come up to me and talk about the transformation or the experiences or like the impact that the that we as a team have made on them she's

like God that's so inspiring that you have this purpose so and you feel seen when I just feel like yeah I can keep going and not feel bad for working hard and again it doesn't mean I get to neglect the relationship or like give it no time I'm still showing up fully in the relationship well that's the thing right the the in a sense you you had a hard conversation from your side and the the flip side of that is her looking at that and saying I love this man I respect this man I want to support him I want to support his dreams and the things that he wants to achieve in his life but am I getting my needs met in this situation right right and the hard conversation from her side which is the part that often people fall down on and I think what someone hearing that what they might be afraid of in hearing all of that is they might hear a situation where they you know they may have even been in a situation before with someone who just monopolized their energy their intimacy their love their validation on their terms all the time in a way that worked for them but that person felt like they lost themselves and they never got any of their needs met or their needs were always secondary so 100% that other side of that is her being capable which I know Mar and I know she is but she takes care of her own needs also but I I mean you can ask her and probably weekly or every other week at least but almost weekly if not daily I say you know what else can I do to support you today you know are you is there anything I can do to support you lately what do you need from me like I'm constantly checking with her and asking her moments throughout days or weeks and saying am I doing a good job for you like what could I be doing better to make sure you feel more love seen and appreciated I'll ask her these questions and she'll tell me and she's and I don't think she's ever been like I need more of this from you she doesn't say that she goes no I feel I feel seen I feel loved I feel appreciated so it's not like I'm just neglecting her needs and never showing up for her and never creating intimate moments and times and never going on trips I'm like always trying to create for her in the relationship as well and I'm asking her is there anything you you need from me what can I do to support you today how can I make you feel more loved and more seen and I ask that constantly because I want to make sure she feels like she's a top priority so I I get it if women are listening or watching thinking okay if I have to accept a man that he's going to be working 60 to 80 hours a week and he's then he's gonna work out late at night with his friends and then he's gonna go do marathons on the weekends when's it going to have time for me I get that and so I think you got to understand like are they going to put you at a similar level of time attention and value in their priorities as well with the relationship not only when they're courting you but once they're with you a longterm and committed yeah and you the same way look people can agree or disagree with what you've said what you've demonstrated and what you've said is an ability to be very honest with yourself and with another person about what you need she may not want that exactly and this is really important for people to hear because it's not no one needs to hear that and go that's you know that's what I would have to accept or that that's my dream person anyone what we have to do is get really honest with ourselves the hard the real hard conversation is the one we have to have with ourselves where we say what is it that I actually need in order for me to be happy yes and and I don't mean what do I need to there everything on my list but what do I need at my core what are the core needs that need to be met for me to be happy and at a certain point you may be dating someone who runs a business and is never around and you may say to yourself I love this person but regardless of whether you love this person you may

be miserable yes with this person and you there's a certain point in life where you have like I there's a there's a like if me and orrey were on completely different schedules all the time and we never saw each other be tough I would be unhappy yeah and people have to get really honest this is why in the book I talk about four levels of importance in a relationship those the first one is admiration which is just thinking someone's great you have to respect them or admire them or yeah but by the way you could even just have admiration for like the person who works in the same building as you because you think they're hot like it could be literally just like I'm I'm admiring you from instincts yeah yeah but it's not like or you might like the qualities they have but they don't necessarily recognize you or they don't necessarily like you they may not even know you exist right this so this first level admiration is not very important the second level is mut ual attraction and that's where you and this person like each other there's chemistry there's connection you know you have a great time together now this is the most dangerous phase because it's the phase where people end up like spending years and years pining over someone who they find out doesn't want a relationship at the end of it so just having mutual attraction with someone doesn't count for a lot if someone wants different things than you yes which is why the third level is really important that's commitment commitment is are we saying yes to each other it's no good saying I have the most epic connection with someone and they don't even want to be with me right what is then the Epic connection is worthless in the context of a relationship so commitment level three and level four is compatibility commitment isn't enough you need compatibility do we work together right do we form a team that is a happy team do we want the same things do do we have shared values do we want to live our lives in the same way do we look at our future and say that like are our Visions for the future compatible they may not be exactly the same but can they work together like you know can we navigate our differences in a positive and healthy way because you will have differences you won't be compatible in every single department but you can have compatibility in how much grace you give to each other or how much compassion you give to your differences or how much you can laugh at your differences you know Audrey's constantly laughing at me for like my quirks and my eccentricities and she she's not like that but she finds them hilarious and she's like that's just you it's can you can you do that with each other that's that's that's compatibility too you're different but you manages the you manage the differences well they can even be a source of pleasure and joy and and fun yes and and so that's compatibility and a lot of people get really tripped up in order to have a meaningful lasting relationship you need all four of those right you can't stop at Mutual connection or mutual attraction rather cuz you need a commitment but you can't stop a commitment because you need compatibility how many people watching this episode or listening to this episode have been in a relationship before where they had a commitment but they were not compatible with this person and they were miserable yeah so so it's not enough to say I love someone is is Love Enough can you it's definitely not it's definitely not it it's it you can love you can love by someone who treats you horribly you know it's not uh so love's not all you need love is absolutely not all you need you're British come on no no the people well look it might be true in life world yeah yeah yeah but it's not true in in Intimate Relationships why is love not all you need in Intimate Relationships because you can be with uh someone who has a completely different value system than you and and be miserable if this person lies to you every day mhm what does it

matter that you keep saying you love them this person's going to make you utterly miserable right right if someone gaslights you every day or if someone's idea of like the way they want to spend their life is constantly traveling around the world and you really want to be you want to create a community where you live and be close to your family and they just want to live a nomadic life for the rest of their life then the the love isn't going to you're not going to magically be happy because you love someone right you're going to love them and be miserable so what's the goal here is the goal your peace is the goal your happiness if so you have to start taking that as seriously as you take your love for the person mhm you can love a friend like that but you can't right you can't do it with an intimate partner because we expect too much yes from an intimate partner to be wildly incompatible with them and to still to to give our lives to a person that we're wildly incompatible with because it's if if it's If Loving You Is a odds with me being living a life of peace and happiness then then I can't choose love right in in this case in which I've got a couple final questions with you to follow up with that um before I do I want people to get the book love life how to raise your standards find your person and live happily no matter what make sure you guys get this a lot of great stories lessons Frameworks for creating a love that you want um not only with someone else but ultimately with yourself which is the most important thing is having that standard with yourself I have something I want to say on that as well before we wrap up because there's something very very important for that's in the book that will change the way people think about that love for yourself forever go ahead and share it now well the the we were just talking about this idea that you shouldn't be in a relationship that makes you unhappy right or that you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't meet your needs that fundamentally robs you of your peace or constantly makes you feel anxious constantly makes you feel like you're not good enough and there's a very big reason why you shouldn't be in a situation like that and there's a recipe for self-love that will make sure you never are in a situation like that again and it's not the recipe for self- Lov that's being prescribed out there in so many different places that I see there's a i the self- Lov concept makes me run away okay because it's so it feels so muddied by sort of generic self-help advice and it gets constantly conflated with self-care and it and it also just always feels a bit woo woo like I don't know how to connect to it yes I'm a very rational logical person I need a bulletproof way to connect to a concept or I'm not going to use it and whenever I heard anyone talking about self-love something about it felt somehow indulgent to me it felt egotistical it didn't and like ego is the problem right ego is the problem in the first place when I would ask audiences why should you love yourself cuz I if I said should you love yourself is it important everyone would yeah of course everyone agreed that was like important but when I said well why should you love yourself people were really struggled with the answer to that question and I would then I would wait for an answer I'd just sit there in Silence with the audience I did do this at my retreat every year for years I would just sit in silence while the audience came up with an answer to why to love yourself and eventually someone would say well because we deserve it and I say okay but why do you deserve it like let's explore that why do you deserve self-love why do you deserve love well because I uh I'm generous because I'm ambitious because I uh take care of my family because I work really hard because I they would start reeling off these qualities and I'd be like this is a problem because you're not those things every minute of the day so are you saying you

don't deserve love when you're not those things and people would suddenly realize why are they hated themselves so much of the time because they were never living up to this thing that they thought if I'm these things then I'm lovable so anytime they said a mean thing anytime they were selfish anytime they didn't show up for their family anytime they didn't work hard they would suddenly go straight to I'm detestable I I I deserve contempt so that didn't work not to mention even on your days where you are those things there's always someone who's more of them so if someone can walk into the room and they're more hardworking or they're more ambitious or they're Kinder or they're more generous do they deserve more self-love than you deserve right that's a problem so all of that model is equivalent to giving yourself love on the days where you get an A in life but not on the days where you don't and to me I knew that was a way that I have beat myself up in a masochistic way my whole life CU by my standards I'm never living up to what I think I need to live up to in order to be deserving of love I've never worked hard enough as long as there's something on my to-do list still I go to bed thinking ah I didn't get that done H see couldn't get that done like I would wake up every morning in deficit going I need to earn my love today today you know like no matter how hard I worked it only counted up until midnight last night oh man and then I'd go to bed for 6 hours wake up and i' go right you're in deficit again now you've got to earn that love again that was how I lived my whole life so for me when I heard all these reasons why you should love yourself I was like this is this is exactly why I've found it hard to love myself and I believe that's the same for everyone else too so we have to get away from that model and I I almost think of that model almost like the Romantic model the way we fall in love with other people I I love someone else because there's they have all these great qualities and I want to get close to them and and and the truth is the closer we get to someone the more their mystery evaporates and the more familiar we get with them and even in relationships with other people what's the saying familiarity breeds contempt so the closer we get to someone the more we start to see their flaws and we forget about or take for granted all of the things they do really well the more we start to feel like ah this person is not as great as I thought or we get bored of them and over time a lot of long-term relationships end because there's contempt right familiarity breeds contempt well if familiarity breeds contempt who would we have more contempt for than ourselves we have spent every second with ourselves since the day we were born if familiarity breeds contempt when it comes to ourselves there's almost no room for anything else so what I realize is oh this model the Romantic model for loving ourselves is broken we're not going to ever fall in love with ourselves the way that we easily fall in love with other people we're going to need a more robust model and I started looking around for other places that that model existed so one of them was the parent child relationship where with a parent and a child if you ask a parent why do you love your child a parent doesn't say well because they got an A in maths yesterday and because you know have you have you seen how hard they work at school and you know they and they look so cute in that dress this morning and they just you ask why why do you love your child a parent will go they're my child they're mine well what if you took that model and you used that as your model for selflove how do you use that as your model well imagine that on day one first day of your life you were given a human whether by God or nature or whatever you believe it doesn't matter this works for all belief systems on day one you have a human you're lucky enough to get a human in the first place right most of

the sperm that have ever existed never turned into a human so you got a human your job your only job in your life is to take care of that human yes you don't have any other job like you may take on lots of other jobs friendships marriage a career but the one job you always have no matter what is you have to take care of this human the car them nurture them support them encourage them stand up for them try to give this human the best life you can when you look at life through that lens and by the way when you were growing up someone else's job was to keep you alive but one no one told you at 18 years old or whenever you decided to go out into the world is hey from now on you have full custody of this human mhm so your job from now till the day you die is to give the this human the best experience of it possible comparison with other people through that lens makes no sense you can't exchange yourself for a different human it's not like you get to 25 and someone goes do you want to swap this human out for a different one you don't get to do that you just have this human so it's no point worrying about what you don't have or what you feel insecure about or the way your body is or the your face is or the how good of a brain you have compared to other people it's all irrelevant your only job in this whole thing is to make the best of this human and to try to give them the best experience you can when you think like that anytime I'm burning myself out I'm being horrible to myself I'm speaking badly to myself I'm not taking care of myself I'm not taking care of my health I'm not I'm working myself to the Bone I'll have moments where I catch myself and I'm like Matthew you had one job where have you been imagine someone saying to you why do you love yourself and you saying like a parent says about their child what are you talking about because I'm mine I'm my human I don't need to come up with qualities that make me lovable I love myself because it's my job it's an approach love isn't a self love isn't a feeling we have to get out of this mindset that loving myself is a feeling I have to feel you don't have to love yourself as a feeling you don't even have to like yourself To Love Yourself liking yourself can come later loving yourself starts today with the approach you take to taking care of your human and when you think like that it changes everything because all of a sudden that person we're talking about that makes you miserable you stop going but I love them and you start saying it's this is a complete abdication of my responsibility to to my human to continue to put my human around this person wow what what am I doing I'm sleeping on the job if someone is treating me poorly or if someone doesn't value me or if someone's constantly making me second guess my Worth or if someone keeps telling me they're not ready they're not ready they're not ready or they're not sure about me and believe them why am I putting my human around that person that's not me taking care of my human that's not me giving my human the best life I can give them why am I doing this to my human so that idea that it's my job to take care of my human it's not I don't have to wake up this morning morning and go I feel so in love with me you don't have to feel that you have to wake up and go what does it look like for me today what would I do today today what decisions would I make today if I was trying to give my human the best life I could give them that would change everything you do it's powerful man love life how to raise your standards find your person and live happily no matter what make sure you guys get a copy right now the book is out right now if you're watching this or listening uh then can go to um your website Matthew husky.com or actually it's lovebook.com and the reason I'd say life people can go to loveif book.com to get the book um and for anyone who what I said just resonated with you and it got you to think about your worth and the way you treat

yourself your relationship with yourself differently I elaborate on that in a big way in the book this book is designed to help you with the three relationships that dictate your quality of life the relationship you have with other people the relationship you have with yourself and your relationship with life itself and um it's uh it's all in there and I I always say epiphanies are great but repetition is what actually makes the difference and everything that I'm talking about and a lot more is in that book for you to repeat over and over again and if you go to lovebook.com you can not only get a copy of the book but uh you'll get an exclusive ticket to an event that I'm doing on May the 4th called find your person which is uh really designed to take all of the ideas from the book and bring them to life in your year this year in a practical way so I I hope this can be both a co-pilot for anyone who's looking for love but also help people to find more peace and more confidence and more happiness today because life is too short to defer those things to a time when you have that person in front of you I think there's a very dark end of the spectrum with love bombing and there's a much more naive end of the spectrum with love bombing the sort of dark end of the spectrum is someone who's really trying to get you to move faster than you would organically move so that they can extract a lot of attention and value and love from you very very quickly but the

[elvensorceress]

Sandcastles, lovely ☺️

Fleur my darling! 💕💕 Thank you!

Sandcastles is what I also call, Unimaginable. aka the superangst I started for @911onabc (It's a house built with the knowledge that it's temporary and will be washed away, but I liked the reference to It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton as well so those are the names!)

The story is set 20 something years in the future. Buck and Eddie haven't seen or talked to each other in 18 years. It starts with Chris dying after a long chronic painful illness (I know I know 😭 this is worst case scenario here) and Eddie having nothing to live for anymore.

It's meant to be a play on the concept of Eddie putting Buck in his will as Chris' legal guardian in the event of him dying so that Buck and Chris still have each other and can take care of each other even without him. So, before he dies, Chris contacts Buck (has been in contact with Buck the whole time) and tells him that Eddie isn't doing well and he's scared of what will happen to his dad when he dies. He asks Buck to save Eddie because Chris knows that even after all this time, Buck is the only one who has any chance of giving Eddie something to live for.

It's all v sad and angsty and tears, but it's meant to be a story about healing and coming back together and them realizing they are still a family and always have been.

Here's a little flashback snippet to just before Eddie takes Chris and moves back to Texas.

The city was dark. Summer blackout but at least it was night and it had cooled down to a nice 85 degrees. Which wasn’t 120 degrees and therefore it was practically winter in Los Angeles. Chris was at a friend’s house and Eddie was lonely and Buck was upset and being with each other always made everything better. 

They’d each had a few beers. He wasn’t drunk but he was fuzzy and hazy and the bitter, hoppy IPA Buck had in his fridge before the power went out was nice on Eddie’s tongue. They were on the balcony for the breeze and the strange ambiance of being downtown in a city with no light. 

“I did it. What she said. I guess— I guess I’m doing it.” Buck dug out a little box from his pocket and stared at it for a long time, turning it over and over in his hands. Maybe because he was tipsy but maybe not. He set the box in between them on the table with empty glass bottles. “She said unless I commit and propose and everything, we’re going to stay broken up.”

Not even raging wildfires and temperatures exceeding the associated 1472 degrees could make Eddie warm after that. 

He clenched his jaw and itched to take that box and throw it off the balcony into the night of no power, no light, no relief. Where it would never return. 

He picked it up and opened it though. Morbid curiosity. Maybe a desire to glimpse what Buck would buy someone he wanted to marry. In theory. 

It was small. Simple. Plain. Nothing unique because Amy wasn’t unique and Buck hadn’t thought about it. He hadn’t put thought into it. 

“Why—” Eddie started but that wasn’t enough. It would never be. He shut the box with the ugly, boring, thoughtless ring and didn’t give it back, didn’t set it between them. He set it behind him and turned toward Buck like everything around them was burning. “Don’t do it. You can’t do this. Don’t marry her. You shouldn’t.”

Buck didn’t look at him. He sighed heavily and shrugged. “Look. I know it’s not— whatever. Nothing ever is. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m so tired of it. I’m sick of dating. It used to be fun. I used to love meeting people and getting to know them. Now it is one of the worst things I can imagine doing. So. Why not? She wants to marry me. We don’t have a bad relationship. It’s good enough. It’s good. It’s been more than a year now. I want to be married. I want a family before I’m too old to enjoy having little kids.”

Eddie clenched his teeth and it hurt and his heart was pounding, pounding, screaming. It took everything he had not to grip Buck and shake him and yell that he does have a family. He does have a child. He could have a marriage, a partnership that was way more than, I guess I’m doing it, it’s good enough.

“And this will make you happy? This will give you the family you want? The love and marriage you want?”

“I’m— I’m happy. I-I’m fine. I’m good. She— it’s not bad. It’s— No one gets big romantic soulmate love stories. Those are fiction. It doesn’t happen in real life. Love isn’t like that. It’s just trying again, working on it, committing to each other, accepting that this is what it’s like.”

Eddie rubbed his face and temples and forehead with both hands, and wondered if he screamed, would all of California be able to hear it. “Buck,” he said once he’d stopped himself from pulling out his own hair and finding the stupid ring so he could go back to his original idea of throwing it into the void. “You’re just settling. Again. That’s all you do. You let people treat you like shit, you let them give you the bare minimum just because you don’t want to be alone. And now you’re saying you’re giving up. You’re tired and it’s better than nothing and love isn’t like that, so you’re going to settle? Forever?” 

When Buck finally looked at him, there was nothing but lost, defeated, hopelessness in his eyes. The darkness around them made him look gray. No sky blue, no color, no vibrancy. “It’s fine. It’s not bad. I know you loved Shannon and say that was magical and she was magical, and I’ve loved people, too. But it’s not magic. It’s not anything. It’s better than nothing. But— I don’t know. I don’t feel anything. Maybe I haven’t since I died. But maybe it was before that. I wasn’t made to be loved. I wasn’t made to have that.”

Eddie breathed in, breathed out, and he tried for slowly, but it could never be slowly. He’s too angry. There’s too much fire. 

Buck wasn’t made to be loved. Buck doesn’t feel anything. Buck died and Eddie’s heart stopped, too. It’s never been anything but lost. 

Until Buck found him and stuck with him and saved him and stood with him and took care of him, supported him in ways no one ever had. Buck taught him there was something better than magic, better than fantasy.

He couldn’t take the idea of Buck being unloved. He can’t. He never could. 

And it’s wrong. Because Buck is loved. He’s so very loved. 

Eddie left his chair and all sensibleness and restraint, and climbed onto Buck’s lap. He tangled his hands in Buck’s hair and Buck’s hands immediately clutched at Eddie’s body. But not like he would stop him. Not like he wanted to keep Eddie at a distance. And Eddie crushed their mouths together. 

It was everything. Everything. Maybe it should have been softer and he probably should have at least asked first. But Buck whimper-moaned and gripped him tightly, and furiously kissed him back. And Eddie’s heart was alive. Alive and bleeding all over because he needed to prove. He needed to show Buck it wasn’t true. Love is massive and magnificent and so much more than settling for something that sort of mostly works. 

It can make your heart race and your blood sing and it makes you not even care about hot, humid summer air and useless air conditioners and a fridge of spoiling food because nothing else matters. This was the only thing that mattered. 

He took Buck upstairs and they tore off each other’s clothes, and Eddie tried to show him. He kissed him everywhere, even his scars and the places he knows Buck considers ugly or too broken. He touched him and covered him with all the love he’d ever held inside his own body. He let Buck wrap around him and surround him, and Eddie pressed inside him and nearly came apart because this was his Buck. Because he loved him so much, more than anything, more than he’d ever imagined might be possible. 

He tried to show Buck it was possible. 

He tried to show him what it was like to be loved. 

He tried. 

He just failed. 

He woke in the morning, in an empty bed. Buck wasn’t there. 

Neither was the stupid fucking ring.

[substanceuser971]

i started using my wheelchair at work to minimize my chronic pain and fatigue, and this next week since making that choice my hours got slashed. i already dont make much as a low wage part timer, the standard hours i was told id be working are barely enough to cover rent and bills so i need to apply for ssi, but now i have to worry about if my boss is deciding that she thinks im unfit to be working as much as im supposed to be working. im hoping its just a random incident but i dont know. shes been super weird about me using my wheelchair, i havent been feeling like shes actually hearing what im saying when i tell her i dont need any accommodations for my conditions, and she went out of her way to ask me for details about my disabilities despite me outright saying i dont need accommodations, which. that alone is against ADA guidelines. but im also scared of just being fired if i try to talk to her about the situation. a coworker offered to let me take her shift with permission from our boss, and if i understand whatsapp correctly, my boss saw my message about it but still hasnt replied.

i really am sinking again into that feeling of inferiority ive been trying to overcome. i feel like im seen as disposable garbage by the people around me. i feel like even when i try to make myself small and minimize my needs and keep to myself, others are so fucking bothered by the fact that i exist. like how dare i taint this storefront with my visible disability lmfao. when i fucking do my job BETTER with my wheelchair, because im not in as much pain. i can work LONGER shifts with my wheelchair, and i can preemptively avoid needing to call out sick with a flare up from pushing myself too hard, but i feel like my boss is having her vision clouded with ideas of what she thinks it means for someone to be disabled. she almost seemed upset with me for it, because i had told her when i was hired that i would be able to do every part of the job without accommodations, but i fucking CAN. im able to stand up at the register and get up to climb ladders on the rare occasion i need to do that. i told her all of that. its like my words dont mean a thing to her. i dont know if i can ever escape being looked down and the thought makes me want to just stay locked in my house constantly instead of having to deal with dirty looks and fucking employment discrimination.

i really just want to drink or get high. i feel like pot would help better, i think the depressive effect of alcohol would just make me feel even more miserable and then id feel even more inferior for not being able to stay away from it. at least with weed, id get the happy mellow feelings of being high and its something ive accepted i wont be able to quit anytime soon. i feel resigned to addiction honestly. i can barely sleep without weed, i need it to function like a normal fucking "human being" if thats even something i have the privilege of calling myself lol. as soon as i was able to buy more, i went right back to smoking every night the way i knew i would.

and its scary, when i dont have my cholesterol meds. i have to call the doctor on tuesday to get my information updated and ask about getting those refilled, but in the meantime i feel like i need to be extra careful what i eat and how much i smoke, because i can feel the heaviness in my chest, but im too poor to afford much healthy food and im stuck with smoking because edibles are too ineffective with my freak digestive system. they stop working after just a few days of use too close together. so since my budget was limited i only bought flower because thats the surest way i can get high.

honestly if it werent for my partner supporting me, and my finances already being shit, id be a lot more scared that id turn to much more destructive drugs. hes told me that hes here to support me through my struggles with alcohol, and ive started opening up a little about my cannabis use being an issue, he already knows im a massive stoner i just havent talked much about how destructive that is. and hes told me that his big limits are cigarettes and illegal drugs, which is a huge deterrent to keep me from even considering them, especially cigarettes since ive thought about it before and theyre way too easy to access. really my partner is the biggest reason im able to keep my addictions somewhat under control. and on the flip side, them thinking im cute when im high is at least comforting when i get down on myself for using too often. i want to be healthier about it, but i hope at least of its a lifelong struggle that she can still find value in me. thats an awful way of thinking about it but i dont know how else to. i want to be valuable because i dont trust that anyone will actually like me as a person beyond what i can do for them. when i really examine the situation, i dont think thats really the kind of person my partner is, but it gets hard to fully believe it when thats what im used to.

i feel fucking pathetic, constantly, all the time. im struggling and struggling and suffering and people hate it because i cant exist as easily as they all can. im too emotional and traumatized and disabled and mentally ill and obnoxious and socially clueless. i feel like it doesnt even matter what good i do, because even small mistakes or flaws are enough for people to decide they hate me. it doesnt feel fair but i dont even know if i deserve fairness. i feel like theres something innate about me that keeps me from being as much of a person as everyone else. i cant escape being scum. i hate it. to a degree i hate people. i dont understand how God has so much forgiveness for such a cruel species. i guess thats one of the things thats so great about Him, i couldnt do the same in His position. i admire Him for that, but its hard not to feel some degree of frustration that all these people are allowed to go about their lives being cruel and hateful and ignorant while the rest of us are pushed down and left to die if not outright killed. i understand thats probably the point, we need to learn to work together to make peace and improve the world because God cant step in Himself, but its difficult to trust that were going to get anywhere at this rate. i want to keep living but its hard to feel hopeful about it. i want to live a happy life with my partner and our future kids but i get so fucking scared that ill die before i get the chance. from lack of access to medical help, from lack of money to support myself, from any random health emergency that feels like it could pop up at any moment. i hate all of this. i want to love and be loved and i want to fucking make the world better by getting involved in my community but i feel like my time is so limited and it scares me. i feel like people wouldnt really care if someone as fucking pitiful as me died, because so many people view people like me as subhuman. and ive felt that all my life. i cant escape it but at least drugs and booze let me hide from it for a few hours out of the day.

[my-traumacore-sideblog]

yeah same here, honestly i hadn't even heard of the term "person with a poly substance use disorder" but now i have i dunno,,, i don't like it? it feels like trying to isolate the fact that i hav addiction problems w/out acknowledging that addiction problems r a mental health issue, like,,, in my case i have BPD, ASPD and cPTSD any1 who knows anything abt those things will know that it's no surprise that when u put them all 2gether u get some1 who's rly susceptible 2 addiction

separation of the action from the mentality that lead 2 that action and focus on only the action doesn't feel accurate 2 my experiences, if anything it feels somewhat demonising given the current stigma around the action of substance use especially in a disordered way, not 2 mention it doesn't take into account the 5d chess u sometimes hav 2 do when it comes 2 things like medicine and harm reduction

for example;

i've been addicted 2 2nd hand smoke since i was 7, bc of the way in which ppl talk abt addiction and smoking tho i didn't think it "counted" bc i hav never tried a cigarette, despite this, ever since i was 7 i wanted 2 try a cigarette and would consistently hav 2 fight the urge 2 try 1, it was slightly easier as a kid since i just wasn't allowed 2 but that urge only became more present once i was an adult and knew i could just walk into any corner shop and buy cigarettes, it's only this year that i talked 2 my boyfriend abt this and found out that yeah that still counts as addiction, which i hadn't considered until after i quit alcohol and had a better idea of how withdrawal symptoms felt, this was the year i brought this up because due 2 personal stuff happening in my life my mental health had taken a plummet and i was at the point where i knew if i didn't intervene then i would end up buying myself some cigarettes, something that could be more life threatening for me than it is 4 most due 2 my asthma, i talked 2 my boyfriend about it and we both agreed that the path of least harm was getting me a vape with a nic-free e-liquid, in my case CBD since i already use it 4 pain reduction in gummy form 4 my chronic pain, i made it very clear 2 my boyfriend during this conversation that if we did get me a vape it would likely work but it would b bc i would get addicted 2 using my vape instead, still we both agreed that it would be 4 the best in terms of harm reduction, he helped me find a safe e-liquid that was nic free CBD and natural flavourings and yeah i got addicted but that was the plan and it worked, i don't wanna try cigarettes anymore

i ACTIVELY CHOSE 2 become addicted 2 vaping despite having never smoked a cigarette bc i knew i was at a point where it was either becoming addicted 2 vaping 2 try 2 override my 2nd hand smoke addiction or trying a cigarette 4 the 1st time, despite what a lot of ppl like 2 think willpower doesn't work 4 every1 and some of us know our willpower isn't reliable so we try 2 put smth else in place 2 act as a more sturdy barrier between us and the thing we know will fuck up our health and i feel like that's a struggle that most ppl don't understand abt addicts, i don't want 2 get better from my vaping addiction bc it's the only thing between me and cigarettes and becoming addicted 2 vaping was a strategic decision that i made 4 the sake of harm reduction

idk im rambling at this point but i feel like a lot of ppl don't get the 4d chess we hav 2 sometimes 2 when it comes 2 stuff like "yeah if i do this im gonna get addicted but is this gonna b a net positive?" like there's even medicines that r highly addictive, idk i feel like it's a side of being an addict that isn't rly talked abt outside of our own community that should b talked abt more

idk how much of this made sense since im typing this up early in the morning but i hope at least some of it made sense lol

i'm not just a person with poly substance use disorder; i am an addict. for me, person first language doesn't describe the depth of addictive personality. i am fundamentally a person who's susceptible to unhealthy drug use - calling myself an addict reminds me of that. it bares my health issues front and center. i think that's why there's so much power in the "Hi, my name is _ and I'm an addict." when you confront who you are like that, it's not only brave, but keeps you on your feet. it's an undeniable expression of everything that led you to addiction.

it's very similar to why some people say they're autistic instead of a person with autism. there are so many traits and struggles that go into it - there's good and bad and neutral. addicts aren't just impulsive, obsessive, and desperate. we're also passionate, driven, and dedicated. even if that's to drugs a lot of the time, even if we get selfish... that passion, drive, and dedication can help us and others; especially in harm reduction, recovery, and community building.

we are neurodivergent. we do have a stake in embracing who we are, our struggles, in a way that empowers us. and calling ourselves addicts, taking away the stigma of the term - as autistic people do - is good. it's not for everyone of course, it's okay to use person first language for any neurodivergency. but it works for some and that deserves support.

and before anyone yells at me: i am autistic. i know what i'm talking about - my experience, and the experience of those similar to me. if this post doesn't resonate with you, that's fine, but it's not my problem. it shouldn't be a problem at all, actually. embrace similarities and differences. that's key to disability liberation.

[chaosclover1999]

idk if this is gonna make sense 2 any1 outside of the UK but hot take; the idea that in the UK we get free healthcare 4 all is a myth and no i don't mean in the bs conservative way where some dickbag tries 2 argue free healthcare just isn't doable, no i'm talking abt how free healthcare seems 2 only b 4 a specific group of ppl even tho it's supposed 2 b 4 every1, despite living in the UK where we hav the NHS i still had 2 pay 2 and a half grand on a wheelchair bc the NHS was not going 2 provide me w/ 1 bc im not paralysed and i don't hav any limbs broken, the reason i need a wheelchair is bc of a chronic pain condition that they basically refuse 2 take srsly im talking abt how most of my disability aids i hav 2 buy or make myself bc the services in place that r supposed 2 make these things free will go 2 extreme lengths 2 not do their jobs im talking abt how talking 2 a mental health professional as some1 w/ a stigmatised mental health condition is fucking terrifying and it's a constant struggle of trying 2 not say 2 much in case u get sectioned and b4 any1 tries 2 tell me that "that's not what therapy is" i've literally had a professional threaten sectioning bc i was talking abt my disassociation so i had 2 back peddle and when i tried 2 get advocacy involved 2 talk 2 them abt how that wasn't ok all it was was the "advocate" and the professional who was like this agreeing w/ each other and basically ganging up on me so don't even fucking try 2 tell me that's not how it is the problem is that the NHS seems 2 c their job less as helping ppl and more as "fixing" them, if they don't think they can just "fix" u and make u "normal" then they don't care abt u, plain and simple and they'll do anything they can 2 not help u and possibly try 2 steer u 2wards the "treatment" that they want 2 give u even if it's not what u want if they hav smth else in mind 4 u but if they don't then they'll just try 2 tell u that nothing is wrong the NHS only wants 2 "help" u provided that the "help" u want is exactly what they want u 2 do even if there r supposed 2 b multiple treatment options and the 1 they want 4 u is nearly always the 1 that makes u seem the most "normal" and abled

[omegaverse-daily]

Hi, I'm interested in HCs about disabilities within the dynamics, mainly physical disabilities for alphas. Could an alpha be born with a physical disability like scoliosis, a connective tissue disorder like Ehlers-Danlos syndrome? Or an autoimmune disorder that causes chronic pain?

We have to keep in mind that even if we are talking about another universe they are still human with human functions with extra perks of being alphas, omegas and or Betas.

Alphas could be born with a disease or a syndrome however I think because alpha tend to have a harder time to get these disease or syndrome.

We have to take in consideration that not every body is equal and everything also is part of genetic. Betas and omegas have a strong immune system but not the same as alphas.

I guess you can take me for example. I don’t live my life in Omegaverse but I have some things that could be identify as an Alpha or an Abrnormal alpha with non traditional alpha behavior. I stuffer from Tiezte Syndrome and it is very hard to do stuff and I am basically immobilized. I have to take strong medication to help reduce the the inflammation and the pain. Lucky it dosent have a life expectancy shortage. However it is not hereditary nor does it hav to do with family linage.

- Am

Hi there! I have fibromyalgia, so I know a little bit about what you’re asking for. I think omegas and betas are more likely to have disabilities, but it’s very very possible for alphas to have disabilities. I think alphas are more likely to have cystic fibrosis, Cushing syndrome, cerebral palsy, and POTS, but omegas and betas can get these disabilities too. Omegas are more likely to have early onset dementia, multiple sclerosis, and epilepsy. We also made our own disability called puppy syndrome if you haven’t read down our blog a bit, but it’s mostly common in omegas. Of course, anyone can have any disability.

-OM

[daydweam]

Why were you confined to a bed for years ?

I suffer from several conditions. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS- I am the hypermobility type), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), TMJ, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), among others. Chronic pain and health issues have plagued me since I was very young. Two things triggered my body to decline. I had a major whiplash accident on a rollercoaster when I was 9. My chin hit my sternum so hard it cracked. Months later I contracted whooping cough even though I was fully vaccinated. This left me in bed for four months. The severe coughing only caused more stress on my neck, and possibly even more whiplash events. The coughing was so severe I would be unable to breathe and often threw up. Ever since that time I never was okay. I enter middle school, and I decline. My head was literally falling off (chiari malformation.) Blah blah blah let me get to the meat. God theres no way I am gonna properly cover it all but I will try. I am cutting out searching for help and the misdiagnosis’/mistreatment I faced by many. So heres the meat. I have had several major surgeries. I had one to correct my Chiari Malformation (October 2014) and decompress my brain when I was 14. I overdosed in post op because of idiot nurses. I stopped breathing and was given narcan. I later had a surgery for Median Arcuate Ligament Syndrome (MALS) (Jan 2016 I believe). There was an ligament wrapped around an artery constricting it. Recovery from that was far worse than it should’ve been due to a clump of nerves being cut and burned away in order to get to an important area. However I do recover.

Then all hell broke loose ( I totally forgot to mention I had to leave school and enter a home and hospital program in 8th grade). September 2016 I had surgery to fix tethered cord syndrome. My spinal cord was being stretched out and needed to be released. During the surgery I contracted aseptic meningitis. This would go undiagnosed for nearly half a year. I want to clarify that aseptic meningitis is not the type that will kill you in a day before anyone tries to claim I am lying. At first my recovery was normal. Until it wasn’t. A leak of spinal fluid created a sac on and around the incision site. This caused lots of pressure in my head as well. December 2016 my surgeon planned to go and remove the fluid and figure out what was going on. He also wanted to put an ICP monitor in my head to see what the intercranial pressure was looking like. WELL while putting the monitor in a blood vessel was hit causing a brain bleed. No one noticed until i was seizing on the operating table. No oxygen was going to my brain. Two craniotomies were performed and I was placed in a medically induced coma. However, I still had aseptic meningitis that had continued to be undiagnosed. I woke up. Lots happens. Eventually spinal fluid was leaking out of me from my recent incision. It soaked my entire bed like it was thrown in a pool. I was put back in for surgery and a shunt was put in. At first it didn’t work and I was going to be put back in for more surgery. Miraculously it started working. Christmas day after almost a month in the ICU i was sent home. Hell awaited me. I foolishly decided to cold turkey stop taking any form of narcotics or opiates. I was so traumatized I wanted to take as little meds as possible. Well dilaudid or fentanyl was being given to me every two hours for nearly a month. And i went to nothing. With aseptic meningitis and recovering from a brain bleed plus major back surgeries. Time passes. I think I am getting better, until I have the worst stomach pain of my life. I cant eat or drink. I can’t even swallow my own saliva. I didnt eat for a week. I went through the stages of starvation. All the vomiting caused my shunt to puncture my dura, and then come back out. This started another leak. I started to have positional headaches. Eventually my surgeon finally realizes I have aseptic meningitis. I get on steroids. I have an agonizing drive up to see him. He is many hours away. My local hospitals turned me away. This was killing me. I go in and suffer through the worst MRI I ever had to experience. He sees that even my back muscles had torn apart. I am sent in for emergency surgery Feb 2017. The shunt was removed. They essentially made a dam with my back muscles from what I understand. Ever since that surgery I have never fully recovered. I suffer from severe hypersensitivity. I am disabled. I of course present able bodied and thats why we call this an invisible illness. Countless doctors have accused me of lying about my pain. Countless people in general. I faced discrimination and sabotage by my own school who claimed to be Christian. I am lucky to have a wonderful team of doctors after years of malpractice. I have had physical therapists literally destroy my body. I have had world renowned doctors lie to my face and withhold info that could be life or death for me. I have been on countless medications. I started looking for a diagnosis since I was 12. Its been a hard journey but I am here and I am actually going out. I still have severe pain every day. I have been managing it enough to function more than before, but its still hell. I have the most incredible friends I would die for. They are why I am sane. If you read to this point that makes me want to cry to be honest. It was really difficult to write but I think it was time I made a post laying down at least the very basic info. And yes I said BASIC. This is BARELY covering the surface of my journey, but hopefully its enough to shed light on major moments.

[scourge-sympathiser]

one aspect of sunclan & moonclan i havnt rly touched on is their system of shade warriorz & shine warriorz- basically due 2 the type of weather where thy live & the clanz varying coat typez it can be very dangerous for thm to hunt in some weather, so thy hav a system where some catz will only hunt in warm weather & spend cold moonz largely huddled inside to stay warm, whereas othrz will stick to hunting with snow on the ground & spend hotter moonz keeping cool with shade & water... during their off seasonz thy will do various camp based taskz & help out in othr wayz, & in particularly rough timez thy may hav to help hunt to bring in enough food.... in addition there r many catz who would fall inbetween, mainly hunting in the more mild seasonz & laying low whn the weather is in either extream, but thy still fall into either category depending on slight preferencez

course this is all very unstructured & based on wht an individual can handle- som catz will hunt year round & som will only do so a few timez within the year, which is also a matter of their health & physicality not just their coat, for instance bearheart haz a lot of chronic issuez relating to his illness [poisoning] tht make him unable to hunt a great deal of the time

in termz of if a cat is a shade or shine warrior this is mainly a socal thing more thn a Role- u arnt assigned to be a shade warrior by the leader, but if yr friend askz if u wanna go hunting u might reply tht yr more of a shine warrior & plan to spend the day indoorz

a few examplez from my OCz- bearheart is considered a shine warrior, hez most active in the latter dayz of summer/early autumn, whn itz cooler out but before it startz to get Cold [post-canon whn his fur startz 2 grow in thicker he becomez more of a shade warrior] weevilface is a shine warrior, though hez the type to hunt year round & only stay in on very cold dayz... oriolecall is actually a shade warrior which is more uncommon in shorthairz but his chronic pain flairz up rly bad in the summer, he still huntz year round but generally preferz cooler weather! maggotstar is firmly a shine warrior thy cannot deal with cold much at all & doez a lot of their hunting in the hottest dayz of summer, etc etc

[my-traumacore-sideblog]

i genuinely hate how much food i need 2 get bc of allergy reasons that is marketed as diet food, im in recovery rn from an ed and i also need 2 get food that's vegan bc i hav a dairy allergy and food that's low in sugar bc my body is rly sensitive 2 sugar in a way that's actually damaging (nausea, headaches, possible mood swings ect) but that means that basically any premade food i get is marketed as ""health"" food which reminds me of the mentality i was in at the height of my restrictive eating disorder, not 2 mention 4 some reason calories being printed in big numbers on everything, if i could i would make more of my own food from scratch so as to not deal w this but im literally physically disabled in a way that makes that currently impossible 4 me 2 do bc my eating disorder previously got so bad that it landed me in the hospital and then in a wheelchair with chronic pain and chronic fatigue and a working diagnosis of fibromyalgia (idk if im spelling that right) and while i technically hav no proof that it's connected, i was at the worst point of my restrictive eating when it happened and it was very sudden, and eating more and more regularly has been helping me regain some of my mobility and reduce tiredness little by little although it has been multiple years and i still need a wheelchair to get around and i still spend most days in bed unable to do much

idk i just needed 2 vent ig

[doctorfoxtor]

Shit What I Got Wrong

Did some practice tests and qbanks. Got a lot of shit wrong. LMAO!

Medicine

Myasthenia can affect young women much like any other autoimmune conditioon. Just because thymomas almost invariably presents with myasthenia doesn't mean the absence of a thymoma precludes myasthenia.

Evaluate for ↑ICP before you take an LP always always always. If you can't fundoscopy, take a CT.

Acute gout: NSAIDs (nonselective > selective) > steroids > colchicine.

ALS electrophysiology: fibrillation potentials = recent denervation. Sustained long-duration complexes = chronic denervation.

HAV vaccine is indicated in MSM, chronic hepatitis or IVDU patients and travellers to endemic regions. Immunodeficiencies/HIV is NOT a direct indication.

Don't assume that a horrible haematocrit is the reason why a patient is in CHF.

Intubation is a big no-no in cervicofacial fractures. Opt for a cric instead if an emergency airway is indicated.

Smoking history does not immediately mean that the patient's cough is COPD. It can still be due to asthma, and really only reversibility on spirometry (or a cholinergic challenge test) can differentiate.

Reserve 3% NaCl for only severe symptomatic hyponatraemia (seizures, coma). Otherwise, salt tabs and water restriction are good.

Allergic/acute interstitial nephritis still continues to fucking evade my understanding omfg. Eosinophils eosinophils eosinophils

Agranulocytosis is caused by clozapine, olanzapine AND carbamazepine. Open and close the carbs.

Psych/Community Medicine/Biostats

Episodes of dementia symptoms that are successfully treated with medication is certainly pseudodementia (usually depression).

If a question has 'ask about suicidal feelings' as an option, THAT'S THE ANSWER DON'T PICK ANYTHING ELSE LITERALLY JUST FUCKING PICK THAT

Surgery

Swelling in the superior aspect of the scrotum + signs of SBO = obstructed (or worse, strangulated) hernia. DON'T bother with the doppler, take the patient to the OT ASAP!

ERCP for post-cholecystectomy pain syndrome, there could be a missed stone in there.

Radial subluxation: flexed elbow, pronated forearm. Tx by hyperpronating or flexed supinating.

Achalasia is characterised by decreased peristaltic activity, especially in longstanding disease, because of sustained ineffectual contraction.

Eczema vs Paget's disease of the breast: a mammography is nonconfirmatory. Only biopsy will truly differentiate between the two. In general tho eczema tends to be B/L and Paget's U/L, and long-standing eczema would extend to the skin over the breast, not just the nipple/areola.

Before starting PRA👏ZO👏SIN therapy for BPH rule out pre-existing orthostasis. Especially in a diabetic with possible autonomic neuropathy!

Spontaneous bacterial peritonitis can happen in any condition that causes ascitis, not just cirrhosis. This includes peritoneal dialysis!

Common areas of massive internal haemorrhage: chest, abdomen, pelvis, THIGHS APPARENTLY

Calcifications anterior to the vertebrae can apparently pop you aorta like a balloon, what the actual fuck

If you have an ABPI measurement, no need to go for arteriography. Can straightaway treat with Buerger's exercises (supervised graded exercises)

Paediatrics

I will never, and I DO mean NEVER, get the hang of milestones. I think I'll just have to eat those mistakes

[pathologising]

goin to the dr like haha may I hav smthn thatll actually work for my unbearable chronic pain?? n then they either giv me some horseshit that does nothing or jus straight up say "no ❤" bc my family has a history of substance abuse

like, dr I need ur strongest potions not this!! never this!!

anyway I will beat up every doctor, n no this will not stop me from persuing a career in anesthesiology bc I like money 💖💖

ps I stoped remembering where I was going with this halfway thru bc i got distracted anyway I love u hav a good night 💖💖

LOVE YOUU I feel this I get so annoyed with doctors but YES I am still going to be a doctor <3 if anything catch me as a 4th year resident forcing the 1st years to learn compassion or else I jump them in a dennys and take their wallets at 3am