#i started trying melatonin this week and im still up at midnight

[threephantomrey]

need to vent for a quick minute lol:

i’ve been having sleeping problems this whole year so far. the first two weeks especially were terrible. i had one night where i didn’t sleep at all and then the day after i did not sleep at all either like i was literally up for A WHOLE DAY AND DIDNT FALL ASLEEP AGAIN UNTIL 11:30 THE NEXT NIGHT. most nights this year i’ve woken up in the middle of the night at least once, with always a few sleepless nights during the month (the first two weeks were where i had the most sleepless nights which was literally almost every night) and there’s been a few days where i have woken up at 4:30-5 AM and could not get back to sleep so i was up the whole day after.

the night before last night i didn’t fall asleep until 2 AM and last night i went to bed at 9:30 PM and then woke up at either 12 or 12:30 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep until like 4 AM, and then i woke up at 5 and went back to sleep at 5:30 and woke up at 7.

and i’ve been having problems with sleeping because of my sleep anxiety, and i have that BECAUSE i’ve been having trouble sleeping. and it’s impossible to stop it. even though i have days where i worry less than others, i haven’t been able to go a day without any sort of sleep anxiety even though i try hard to not worry about it. and i’ve also been taking melatonin and magnesium since January and vitamin B8 alongside that since February. and i go to bed early every night like literally i go to bed at 9:30. i guess 9:30 might be too early for me like maybe i should try 9:45 or 10. also my wake up times are inconsistent and idk how im gonna fix that too.

and this is mostly why i’ve been feeling so miserable this year (there’s other reasons too but that’s the main one) like literally i’ve been having problems with this since midnight of January 1st. and this isn’t the first time i’ve had problems with sleeping for a period of time i had it when i was a sophomore in high school too, but that year i had trouble going back to sleep at all after waking up in the middle of the night for a good amount of nights in the first month i was having problems and also nights where i didn’t fall asleep until like 3 AM. the first was December of that year where i had 2 nights i couldn’t go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night and then for most of that month i just woke up in the middle of the night and went back to sleep until the last week where i either couldn’t get back to sleep after waking up at like 2 AM or couldn’t fall asleep until like 3 AM. and then when i started taking melatonin in the beginning of January i just had nights where i woke up in the middle of the night and went back to sleep every night or had some days where i would wake up from 3 AM-5 AM and not be able to go back to sleep for months after. and that’s where my sleep anxiety originally came from. like it took me until my Junior year of high school when i stopped taking melatonin for that to officially stop happening.

but even then after that i would wake up in the middle of the night or had sleepless nights more often than i used to before Sophomore year and tbh i still had sleep anxiety some nights before i would fall asleep. and i was kinda thinking about sophomore year back in December 2023 quite often so i guess that has something to do with what’s happening now.

and my sleeping problems are a big part of why i haven’t been in the correct state of mind to write fics or make videos this year so far and that’s why i’m on break from all that right now.

and i’ve really been trying to fix this. i get exercise daily and i try eating healthy and i try staying off my phone before bed and reading books instead and staying out of bed the whole day and writing down my thoughts in a notebook at night. idk what else to do. i’ve been to the doctor twice this year and he just said the cause of my sleeping problems is cause of my sleep anxiety both times. i just want to sleep a full night consistently again.

this year sucks so much for me like this is worse than sophomore year was. i think this year is the worst year of my life this is making my mental health bad. i miss 2023 so much. i want to be okay and happy again and to stop worrying about this forever but i don’t think i’m moving past this anytime soon :(

[vee-blackwell]

i got a bout of depression that hit tonight from not being distracted enough to avoid getting in my own head and i think i had too many bad thoughts about who i am VS family acceptance

my queer things, my interest things, my (lack of) set goals.

it hurt a lot to try and explain transgender things to my gramma while watching I Am Jazz, when talking about nonbinary people using “they/them” pronouns, she essentially said that if you dont use he/him or she/her then you have no gender “so you’re just nothing” which was just too close to home (literally) for me to hear as someone who doesnt feel anywhere close to any definition of gender, and am definitely not enough % to feel comfortable going on the male side of the binary.

that’s the hard part of that. it seems like it would be easier to tell her i’m bisexual or something (another term that doesnt really match me, but explaining asexuality or the differences between pansexual and bisexual self-identities is another thing thats hard to do with an 86 year old woman). but then what if it changes how she asks me about anyone i hang out with or makes weird assumptions about my relationships?

but at the same time, in watching this show with her, where she’s trying her best to be open-minded and learn about transgender people via watching I Am Jazz, she starts asking me to explain things in the show. not in a negative way, again, shes trying to understand which is more than i could hope for other 80+ year old grandparents. but then she asks me how i know so much about transgender people and issues they face when its things she doesnt expect people i know in real life, close to me, to have dealt with yet. and i have to play the “Educated Ally” instead of the “Depressed, Closeted Transperson” and hope she doesnt go from asking about my friends that are out to wondering about me. because it just makes me fearful of being in another time period of living in an abusive and unsupportive / negligent household where i never feel safe and im constantly arguing with my family. and i dont need that, or even to feel like im risking getting to that point again

i at least want to feel like i wouldnt be kicked out of the house and become homeless, or stop getting money from my family if i came out at all... but how many other transpeople had the same thoughts and were totally wrong? my mom who watched some of the show with us today almost immediately misgendered one of the transgirls on the show, talking about how **she (i dont want to misgender even by quoting my mom) clearly didnt have hormone blockers as long as Jazz because **her voice had changed. and it’s like, alright, she uses a feminine name, looks like any other normal high school girl, and has been working to try and get her voice to pass better, and it’s still so easy for ignorant people like my mom to pick up on that one thing they feel doesn’t fit right and just misgender someone immediately. and it’s worrisome. because i know how easy it is for “the average adult” around my mom’s age to miss the point entirely on how someone works to transition and making their own personal choices

...

im just queer and tired and fearful. my mind screaming at me “do SOMEthing” every time i wake up is like the echo of a broken record player that’s playing somewhere i can barely hear it. so i do something. i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions.

i get bored of the phone game, the magickarp jump cooldown timers are all that’s left.

i get bored of harvest moon, after realizing that i was 1 floor away from the bottom of the mines last time i get frustrated. do i go back for it again and make the long boring trek, or do i go back to grinding cooking recipes so i can finally make that god damn tempura meal? each day passes as quickly or as stagnantly as i please thanks to my emulator. freeze time and do my daily farm chores, use the inventory item dupe glitch to keep stocked every gift item i need to give everyone, show everyone on the local islands my pets for bonus friendship points, unfreeze time so that the one fisherman character will finally show up to talk to and i give him his daily gift and show him my dog, i go fishing with frozen or unfrozen time as i choose. the day is done. time for the next one.

i get bored of the computer games that both tantalize me into playing them because i love them and want the mental stimulation, yet the other screens beckon to me stronger, and i sit on the 3 blue hellsites, toggling between them in mixed intervals.

i get bored of neopets, because it is after midnight and its the 3rd day in the row i forgot to do my dailies. god DAMMIT i’m never going to get trudy’s shitty 30 day bonus spin for those 100k neopoints if i keep this up. i go onto the help boards, and bump up the lottery board. copy and paste my old post, add the moneybag emoticon and congrats the winners. short list gives the UNs. long list gets generalized. the regular group of lottery players and bumpers congratulate and recognize each other, making the odd chat message about their lives. this is as far as i chat on the neoboards now because i have no social energy otherwise to talk to other neopets friends about how life is still depressing, and trying to speak around the child filters and character limits.

i go to my mom’s room, its hard to predict if she’ll be home at 5 pm or 8 pm or 11 pm or gone to her shitty boyfriend’s house. it had been GTA V. then crash bandicoot warped (ps3 port). and now skyrim with the DLC. i play it as i spend my life, there are markers telling me where i should go for quests to progress, yet i wander aimless around the world finding something more interesting to explore until i finally remember what i meant to do. my mom comes home, and i ask if she wants me to get out so she can sleep. she says its fine, and leaves the lamp on shining on her bed. it becomes after midnight, my gramma scolds me for staying in there when my mom is sleeping. while i agree, my hyperfocus is hard to break, and it still takes me more time than it should to simply save and quit in the middle of my doing nothing of importance in the game that i play for the middle of my doing nothing of important in my life.

i eat wherever i spend my activity. TV tray by my bed at all times now, my propel bottle sways like a top heavy asshole everytime its moved. the tissue box takes up space for food, but everytime i move it on my bed its either in the way or not close enough to use when i need it. my nose is still almost ready to bleed from the dry summer air. im still dehydrated because i lack the ability to remember to drink the juice, milk, or propel bottles within arms reach.

it’s 3 am, or probably later. i ask joey if it’s time to sleep. i take my melatonin, we both brush our teeth and say goodnight. am i lying to him again this night, and apologizing and saying i’ll do it for real? this could happen twice before the guilt takes over and i either cave and do it for real, or stay awake focused on my daily nothingness distractions.

on the days its 5 am or later, my mom wakes for work. we talk about the cat. we always talk about the cat. sometimes she says her work is shit and that shes in pain. things that are obvious. she leaves for work and says goodnight to me in the hopes i go to sleep soon.

i sleep. around 11 am to 1 pm is around the time i get woken for my medications. anxiety, depression, birth control pill (1 daily for 3 weeks at a time). i have to eat and drink with it, so its something simple. on bad days i fall back asleep for over an hour. like a sloth, i drag the tray of food to me, resting the plate or bowl on my bed to eat as i stay laying down. sitting up means i feel more obligated to stay awake after this. i finish the food, drink, and my pills, and shove the tray back against my closet, and lie back down in bed forcing myself to sleep.

it becomes anywhere from 3 pm to 5 pm, on bad days its 6 and later. i lay in bed after waking up maybe two or three other times from sweating, or tossing and turning with bad dreams or being awake enough that i could get up, but unmotivated or too depressed to get up and have to be awake for that much more time. i crawl to the computer first, turning off my nightly music and going online on steam. just so whoever cares knows im awake. i go adjust the thermostat as both i need as well as what wont freeze my gramma to death (or at least to complaining for hours). i say that i dont know what i want for food. she offers a suggestion, and i say sure. i return to my room until food is brought to me, and i grab juice or milk to have with my meal. it probably gets cold if it was meant to be eaten hot.

i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions. the pattern repeats.

...

this has been Vee Life Simulator. sorry. no refunds.