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strawberryspeachy · 5 years ago

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So far on the boys ive talked to in japan - aside that teacher

1) around september i decided to look at whose on tinder. One boy i matched with talked to me and didn’t stop responding upon finding out i was not japanese. He helped me with a couple japanese phrases - telling me what sounded most natural. Asked me if i lived alone. Said he wanted to meet me.... asked if i was free that week. I said yes. I gave him a couple days that i was off. He never responded again - that was about 5-6~ days into talking

2) october i went to a club... after a disappointing night i talked to the cute ... not bar person but like he was on the floor. I thought he’d walk away but he got all happy and kept moving close to me to talk. It being too loud combined with my poor japanese and his no english meant we used google translate to talk mostly. Added each other on instagram and he said he’d like to hang out sometime. I asked about a few days and he pulled out his calendar and both were days he worked- he had two jobs. He said we’ll figure out a time later. We had some conversations on instagram. Then after a couple weeks his stories always showed him with friends. I asked him a couple times when he was free and he said he was working all the time. After another weekish of that i said it seemed that he had time to see his friends but not me. And he basically just said yep

3) december i got back on tinder. But for real. Not just a qick swipe through. Talked to the next guy with a bunch of other dudes. Was just talking. Trying to improve my english. Hoping someone would ask me to go eat with them since that is what id written on my profile. This boy asked me to hang out. We’d talked more and more over the two weeks and he said he really wanted to see me. But he couldnt cause he was working too much. Then he told me when he has a break. I had the flu at the same time and told him id tell him when i was better and he got sweeter and sweeter toward me. Then we talked on the phone and it was awkward and difficult cause my japanese not being great is even worse when i cant gesture. But it went well. Then. Suddenly. Over text the tinder boy - lets have sex! - bs came up. I said i didnt want to the first time we meet and i wanna just talk. He asked a couple more times about it and then agreed. The day before we talked on the phone again - he suddenly said he had to take another call and hung up and then didnt say anything else the rest of the night. I freaked out a bit that night thinking hed stopped talking to me. But the next morning he messaged me like nothing happened. Didnt even want to acknowledge my freak out aside from telling me not to think so much.

We met up. He took me to a shrine. We got fortunes and ties them to a tree... then he took me to his apartment... fast... he said he wanted to watch movies together.... bought... chocolate. I mean great but i wanted real food i was hungry. Then. He kept trying to have sex with me. So many times just pushed and pushed. Would not take no for an answer. Finally when... he was trying to take off more of my clothes and i wouldnt let him and said no again. He asked if i had my period. And only stopped after i said i did. Kept trying to pursuade me to give him a blowjob.

Before that... he asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he was moving soon and asked me to move in with him. Told me hed be workig two jobs for the rest of january so we couldnt meet again till February...

Anyhow after i kept saying no to a blow job and other stuff happened i asked him if we could go get food. He said he didnt have money and cooked bad ramen on the stove and french fries... he drank a bunch of alcoholic. We watched some music videos and he went to sleep.

When he kinda seemed to wake up i tried to make a point of me leaving. He just acted kinda annoyed that he had to even still deal with me being there at that point and ignored me while trying to sleep... he ghosted me right in front of me

He replied to my text the next day with some nonsense and about a week later he told me about his apartment plans. He sent one last text about it before... never responding again

I let it be for the next four weeks... till the days he was supposededly done working two jobs and couls see me again. Hed made story postings during this time

But yea. Never replied to me again

4) some boy who wanted to get better at english cause hes moving to the us. We talked on the phone a couple times near christmas. He complained about not having a gf and said he wanted to hang out. But the times i asked he was “busy”. We hung out once... played darts. He said he didnt want to drink cause he drank the night before and he ate before meeting me so left early.... said next time. There was never a next time.

5) some guy i talked to a bit. He asked to meet up. I agreed. Took a whole for us to find each other cause he kept...... hanging up the phone on me.... he didnt look like his pic and he dressed weird. He basically hailed me over when he found me and then walked fast so that i basically had to chase him around. He was one of those dudes that walks with his hands out like people are supposed to move for him. After about 20 minutes of that he told me to wait while he pretended to get a call and then told me his dog is sick and he needed to leave to take her to the hospital. He said well meet again. Never saw him again not that i wanted too.

6) talked to another boy for a couple weeks. Just about fun stuff it was good conversation. We talked about music and movies and murder mystery parties. About our days and just generally the kind of good conversation you have with friends. Around the third week we talked about meeting... but. Then. Tinderboy - i wanna have sex! Came into the convo... i told him i had my period and asked if we could go out to drink instead. He said lets drink before we do next week. Whatever. Next week comes around. Same good conversation everyday. The day of comes and he responded to me in the morning reconfirming the time and place and stuff. Once the time to meet rolled around. No response. I called him a couple times more so to bitch him out. He blocked me.

7) some other dude. We talked a bit. He asked me to go out to eat. Post poned 3 times that night cause he was working later than he was supposed to. I was so hungry. No he didn’t wanna go out to eat. Bought me some convience store food and barely let me finish eating before hooking up... he said thanks to my happy birthday message. But otherwise we havent talked again. Even though hes a ten minute walk away.

8) then of course theres the absolutely adorable boy who took me out on the date of my dreams.... until he silently walked me the train station. Said bye. And now has slowly ghosted me all week. He just unmatched me on tinder after i asked about it so. Guess he’s gone. Which has me feeling fucking terrible.

9) talked to a guy a couple days ago. He asked if i wanted to hook up. I basically agreed. I WANTED HUMAN CONTACT ON VALENTINES DAY. He told me beforehand he was only free for a couple hours. Asked if i wanted him to pick me up the night before buttttt i got my hair treated and shouldnt sweat so i said it was too late and i needed to sleep. He met me. Late. At the station and walked me back yo his apartment after i was done work. One of my students saw me with him... embarrassing. We talked a lot. Hes the oldest guy ive ever... anything. Though still just 29. It would have been a good conversation if... i didnt know he asked me to come have sex and then never made a move. An hour and a half in he suddenly went

Oh its the time! Sorry go. I should have agreed to his request for yesteday instead of insisting on friday.

Ive been freaking out about 8 and i messaged him asking if he lost interest in me. He never responded to my message asking if he wanted to hookup yesterday. He didnt respond for 20 minutes and then i said either say yes or no so im not waiting. And he almost immediately responded with no. So. Idk.

10) talked to some dude from hong kong yesteday. He messaged me first saying he doesnt like japan and just came for the food. Ive been crying all day and basically hust bitched about japan to him. Apparently he doesnt actually dislike japan... he just doesnt like the bidets.... and i told him my home life sucks so im here but here sucks too so wtf. Ya know. Things that are totally attractive go someone you started talking to a half an hour ago. He said he wanted to talk about food. Im good at food talk ok. Then asked if i wantrd to meet up and look for cake with him. Sure. Shinjuku. The same placd i met 5 and 3. Thought id break the- everytime i come to this city im depressed. Cause before them the last time i went to shinjuku in the summer. I couldnt find the clothes shops i was looking for. There were couples all around me. And it was the first day in japan i felt so utterly and truely miserable and alone and like nothing in my life was better. I was still hoping at that point that the teacher i worked with would go with me and show me around and i left thinking next time i go itll be better cause i wont be alone.

Well shinjuku appears to be bad luck for me. I got stressed trying to find this boy and sounded like it over the phone. But he still met up with me. I brought him some snacks from the baskery near me on my way. We talked. He speaks english. But he just asked about my job... how do you get it. Is it hard. Whats its pay.

I walked past a cake shop on my way to meet him and i showed him the cakes he said he really wanted. He said he didnt bring much cash so he didnt want it.... k i thought that was the point of this trip but whatever. He asked me if i was hungry three times. I said i ate before coming because normally when i meet people we dont eat and i go hunry. I left out the YOU SAID YOU WANTED CAKE!!! Part. He said he was hungry but didnt want me to not eat while he did. So i told him to find a place with desert and ill eat desert while he eats a meal. Were walking. This is about 25 minutes in and he starts to complain his legs hurt and that hes tired. Another 10 minutes pass and he complains more about how he feels like hes floating and his shoes dont fit. I see mcdonals and say i know this is lame but ive kinda been craving a big mac. Its fine if not cause ya know your visiting japan but would you want mcdonals. He jokes about it and then goes yea i could go for a bigmac. We get in the store and he tells me to go. And i tell him to go ahead first. Then he says no he feels sick and doesnt want to eat.... tells me to eat... the exact situation he didnt want earlier

Hm. Gee. I wonder whats coming. I say i only wanted to eat cause he said he was hungry. We leave and then he says maybe its tmi but - proceeds to tell me about being constipated. I didnt try to listen. Btw he was 6’4 and kinda difficult to hear if i didnt try. I wrap that up with. Yea i think that was a tmi story but good for you. Cause the gist of it was that he could shit now.

Then. You know its coming. He says hes gonna go home. I stop acting happy. I told myself the next time this happened id confront them.

We met up at 7 and it was now like 7:50. My train is 10 bucks round trip.

But. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

All i could say after a while of kinda just going silent was - whyd you ask me to meet if you were so tired.

And he aaid cauae walking around japan alone isnt fun. Yeah mean i know. I said that to you over text earlier.

I asked him if i dont look like my pic. He says i look exactly like my pic.

I say a few times before ive met up with guys and we never talk again. And he goes - well youre meeting strangers and sometimes it just doesnt click

He unmatchd me the moment he got on his train. I imagine were still friends on snapchat cause he probably deleted it since he redownloaded it to talk to me

So yea. Same experiences as back home because im me and i will always be cursed and miserable. I dont wanna sleep cause im waiting to see when that boy in 8 will block me on line... cause i sent alot of messages. It doesnt help me to know when.... but.... ya... idk. Someone shoot me please

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consciouslysubconscious · 7 years ago

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2-15

if you are reading this, please-- read till the end.

im sorry for everything. there are no words to convey how sorry i am let alone how i regret the choices ive made. my apologies may have lost its meaning to you, but i can only tell you that i am sorry.

im sorry that you believed every words i said, and that they gave you hope and expectations.

im sorry that things are this way; even worse than before, possibly unmendable now, as you said i fucked it up.

everything and anything i say may not have any weight to you, but i just wanted to tell you...should you see this that is.

i know we cut all communications, and i feel that it is for the best. maybe, i dont know. i hope youre doing better, but i hope that youre happy. i know we shared good memories and good times together, and i will forever cherish that. you have taught me so much, given me so much joy, and shown me what love is, and i am forever grateful for that.

once you love someone, you never stop loving them-- and youre right. i cant stop loving you. i try to erase you and forget about you, but it is impossible. this agony over the memories and love i still have for you haunts me, and the mistakes i made over our relationship makes me hate myself for what i did.

i know i hurt you, and i know the wounds run deep. im sorry..

im still jealous, im still angry. im jealous that i couldnt be with you over valentines day, let alone talk to you, or even see you at any day of the week. im angry that i still hurt you and let you down. im bitter at the fact that youre happy with someone else, and another guy makes you smile and loves you the way i couldnt. i hate the fact that you talk to him like we used to, and i hate that i lost my best friend. maybe thats why its so hard to forgive myself--you werent just someone i loved, but my best friend that i shared everything with.

my words have no weight or meaning to you at this point probably... and its understandable. my actions contradict my words--words are cheap. and actions speak louder than words right? i know you hoped to see me change, so that maybe given enough time you can trust me again. but every time, something happens.

i am growing. and i am learning. im learning from my mistakes, and im growing daily in the word and in my heart. im constantly gardening my heart for the rocks, weeds, and thorns that crowd and try to suppress my growth, but sometimes i fail. i knew there wasnt going to be a radical change where i suddenly become a minister or a pastor, but i know for a fact that ive changed. its undeniable, this change in my heart, and outlook i have now--if there were a way to show you, i would. but its the quiet and slow growth of the roots i spread and foundation i build thats not visible. my mistakes are loud and clear, but the small, daily battles i win and progress i make are not.

i guess in this sense i wanted to be with you through my growth, with you next to me, encouraging me and going through this together. but i know you need to trust me first, and in order for that to happen you need to see the fruits first. and im trying--im sowing my seeds and im watering it, taking care of it. but even now i still make mistakes, and i stumble and fall. but the joy that i now find afterwards is that i can look towards God and rejoice in the fact that although i faltered i am no longer bound by sin but free to seek Him in a new way. I know thats not the case right now. but more and more i find that it takes time...everything takes time. i mean i guess i tried to force this seedling of mine to bear fruit, but its impossible. and i guess in this sense that i thought you could forgive me and come back... but thats not something i could ask of you.

you dont have to believe me, or care about what i have to say...but i just wanted you to know.

i miss you so much. i still love you and i cant stop thinking about you. youre in my prayers daily and i resist the urge to check on you as i did before. i ignored the fact that its impossible to erase you, in hopes that it might not be true, but that only made me think about you more.

i still have hope, for some odd reason. even when you told me i messed up past the point of no return, that you hope i dont mess it up for the next girl. maybe im just stupid, an idiot for thinking that way. but i just cant help it, not being able to let go.

i keep urging you to let go and forget about me because im selfish. i guess i wanted you to erase me so that it would somehow help me forget about you too. i thought that if i reminded myself everyday that youre with someone new i would grow to forget about you.

i hope that maybe, just maybe in the future, when my growth is apparent and fruits of my labor have been gathered, that we could try again. i hope that you can forgive me and trust me again, and even love me for who i am. i hope that im not as petty and stupid as i am now, that we can both start a new chapter together and finish our books together. i dont want to dwell on my mistakes, who you dated before, and all these insecurities and petty issues i worried over. i hope we can start new, if ever comes a time.

you know, i completely forgot that you knew about this blog... i had other ones that i ranted to but i guess its just what i wrote when i needed to put my feelings into words

i hope what i wrote didnt make you hate me more or anything

im sorry that i lost my patience and temper with you when we last talked. i said things i didnt mean, and i hope you can forgive me in your heart. life without you is different, and it sucks in a lot of ways... i hope its not the same for you.

i hope youre happy, and i hope youre doing well. i hope youre studying hard and doing well in school too. i really wish the best for you, in everything that you do...

i really hope youre happy above all because of how much sadness i brought you

i want to see you succeed and grow too--beyond the woman you are now, to a person that id probably find even more irresistible

i dream, i hope, and i pray for another chance, another shot at being with you. please, i hope that that you dont judge me too harshly by my mistakes, but rather take a moment to let me show you, however long it takes, that im ready.

the fool i am, i think too much...maybe i hope too much as well

i saw the incredibles trailer today and thought, the movie is coming out in june. maybe by then ill be able to take her to see it

i dont know. maybe you’ll still be with him, and maybe i wont have grown much.

i mean, it took David 20yrs to grow to be a king... hopefully i could have grown to a point where you can trust me again

you always liked surprises--in a way, maybe you expected it. confusing as it may be, you’ll probably know what im talking about should this be later in the future.

i dont know. anything can happen, but i dont view that phrase the same way anymore. i only saw it in a bad way, that anything bad could happen. in a way, its true, since life isnt always full of ups. i could have more downs and dips, but i just hope and pray that they only work to strengthen me further.

happy late valentines day i guess. hope you spent it well with him (not rly idk). its a day of love, and i still love you, so yeah.

good bye, until we talk again i guess. i know im not supposed to talk to you but i’ll probably end up reaching out some day or something....

i dont know

we’ll see since anything can happen

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