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dr-spencer-reids-queen · 1 year ago

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Catching Out: Final Part

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.1k

Summary: Spencer has his suspicions about your parents but you refuse to even listen to him. There is nothing going on with your parents... right? No, they’re normal parents that are just overprotective of you. Spencer is just being paranoid.

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: So, I know in previous episodes I had mentioned the reader's birthday is in February, but I forgot that when I wrote this episode. I have decided to change it to April since I've also based some other episodes around her birthday being in April. So, from now on, the reader's birthday is now in April.

I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated

As it turns out, all the big farms set up housing camps for the workers during harvest. However, these camps are partly subsidized by the state, so they require ID and a strict sign-in policy, giving you a way to track migrants. Penelope called the camps and asked for their sign-in lists, and now all you have to do is cross-reference to your unsub.

While you've been busy with the newest murder, Derek and Rossi tried to figure out the first house that the unsub hit, and they came up with a woman named Mildred, his first murder. Why did it start with her? Why is she so special? Mildred Younce was sixty-eight at the time of her death. She lived by herself, making her an easy target for the unsub. She was killed in her bed just like the others, but there were no signs of a break-in.

Rossi and Derek can't come up with a suspect because they found seventeen different prints inside the house. Most of them belonged to transients since she was known to offer food in exchange for work around the house.

However, right outside her house are train tracks as well as another place where homeless people stay. They'd draw symbols around their camps that would signify if the water around there is clean to drink, whose houses were safe to go to, etc.

Rossi and Derek found those same symbols around Mildred's house, which is what the unsub used to determine if her house was safe or not. You don't think he's staking out properties for days at a time. He's using these symbols to pick out the vulnerable houses.

You walk outside to give yourself a break from seeing the deaths of the couple over and over again. Hotch is out there on the phone with JJ.

"Hey, I got an update from headquarters. Rossi and Morgan are on their way to that farm in Tehachapi. I found a representative from the local housing authority, Cesar Jimenez. He's expecting you. The press release went out to the media with a photo from the pawn shop, and I'm waiting to hear back from Garcia about tracking migrants who may have traveled the same route as our unsub."

"JJ, what are we going to do without you when you go on maternity leave?" Hotch chuckles.

"You think I'd just leave you hanging?"

"Does that mean you have a plan?"

"I don't know. You'll see."

Hotch hangs up with a smile, and you approach him from behind.

"She's irreplaceable, you know."

"I know."

The farm where Cesar Jimenez is packed with workers in and out of the field. A small truck passes by with four people in the bed of the truck. They look at you, but they don't say a word. Cesar meets you halfway and shakes hands with Hotch.

"I'm Agent Hotchner."

"Cesar from the housing authority."

"These are agents Prentiss, Y/N, and Reid. Thank you for meeting us here."

"Does this man look familiar to you?" Emily asks, showing him a picture of the man in the security footage.

"It's kind of hard to tell."

"Have you had any complaints in the camps? This man would show disruptive behavior. He might be stealing things from other workers or starting fights, and he sniffs chemicals to get high."

"Well, our facilities have a zero-tolerance policy. No drinking, no drugs, and certainly no violence. Anyone who cannot follow these rules would be kicked out."

"Have you kicked anyone out recently?" you ask.

"More than I'd like to. The camps in this area are at full capacity. We have to turn people away."

"Thank you." You four step off to the side to speak privately. "If he's pawning the jewelry he's stealing to get money, why is he still working in the fields?"

"Here's another question: Why is he circling the farm towns at all? What's keeping him here? Or, who? It could be a family member that he wants to watch over."

"It's a possibility."

Your phone rings, and you answer Penelope's call. You place her on speakerphone.

"Okay, mini-lesson. Migrants travel and work in these groups and the groups are called Cuadrillas. Now, I have found one such Cuadrilla that was in Chico at the same time as our unsub. Then, I checked the other towns, and they were in Sacramento, Modesto, and Vacaville at the same time as our unsub as well."

"What about the first town?"

"I got employment records from the apple farm in Tehachapi. This Cuadrilla last worked there two days before Mildred Younce was killed. Now, here's the whammy. A man named Armando Salinas checked in with this group in Tehachapi. Then, he falls off the map. There's no sign of him in any of the camps."

"Interesting."

"Double whammy," Penelope says. "Customs and immigration have a rap sheet on him for theft and assault, and he's wanted in connection to some burglaries."

"There's the record we've been looking for," Spencer says.

"Man, I am on a roll. Triple whammy! His fingerprints were one of the seventeen found at Mildred Younce's house."

"Get us his photo and get JJ to get it out to the media. We're going to need the public's help," Hotch says.

"I'm sending you his mug. The group that he's been following checked into Lockeford early this morning. That's not far from you."

Cesar knows exactly where this group is, and is familiar with them. He's the best chance you have of finding this person. If he can calm the locals, then you might be able to get them on your side. They're not going to like that the FBI is here, but that's why you have Cesar. You reach the camp in no time, and they are on high alert.

Cesar begins to speak to them in Spanish.

"Good evening. Sorry to disturb you. I am with the Farm Workers Council. These officers here have a few questions for you."

Almost immediately, people began to fear you. Some of them even run away from the group, and Hotch orders the officers not to chase after them. You're not here for them.

"We're sorry to interrupt your evening, but we've come here because we need your help."

Cesar translates whatever Hotch says to them. Cesar explains what is going on, and Emily passes out the picture of the man you're looking for. There is one man that can't seem to look Emily in the eyes, and he doesn't look at the picture in her hands.

She says something to him in Spanish, and he nods shamefully.

"It's his brother," Emily reveals.

The man, Ruben Garcia, is taken back to headquarters so that you can gain more information on his brother. He isn't too happy to be doing this, but it looks like he isn't surprised. He might not know what he is doing exactly, but you know he knows something about his brother's escapades.

"When was the last time you spoke to your brother?" Emily asks in Spanish.

"A few months ago in Tehachapi."

"Do you know that he's been following you?"

"Yes. He calls me from time to time. He likes to know where I'm going," Ruben says in English.

"Why does he have to follow you? Why isn't he with you anymore?" you ask knowing he can speak and understand English well.

"He's not a good worker. He got us fired from a big job. My Cuadrilla wanted him gone."

"So, you kicked him out?"

"Sí."

"Your brother has been following you ever since, burglarizing homes and killing people in every city."

The look Ruben has can be chalked up to one word: horrified.

"Is that where he gets the money from?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's been leaving me money at the camps."

"Does he know you're in Lockeford right now?"

"I found this at the camp today."

Ruben takes out a white envelope full of cash. Armando is here. This is your only chance to get at him before he goes to a different city.

"Would you excuse us?" You and Emily leave the room and join Spencer outside. "The killings started in Tehachapi. I think his brother rejecting him must have been a stressor."

"Morgan and Rossi made it there, and they're with rail security. Hotch and Liman are patrolling neighborhoods."

"Okay, we need to get these guys going." Emily clears her throat and addresses the entire room filled with officers. "Excuse me! Could we have your attention, please? This is Armando Ruis Salinas." You start to pass out his photo to everyone. "He is thirty-eight years old and a Mexican national. We believe he is currently in the vicinity of Lockeford and its outlying towns."

"He'll only target homes within a mile of train tracks. You'll be assigned search quadrants. Think the way a burglar would. Pay close attention to houses that have no exterior lights on, no security alarm signs, and no barking dogs nearby. Let's go."

All of the officers leave to do their job, but you and Spencer stay behind with Emily to talk to Ruben some more.

"Are you surprised the police are looking for him?"

"He's my half-brother. I wasn't around for him when he was young. He's been in trouble all his life, even being in jail in Mexico. I thought if he came to work with me, he would change. I'm grateful to work, but Armando hated work. Hated the camps. He always complained that he never had a nice bed to sleep on. When he was a kid, he slept on the floor. In jail, he slept on the floor. All he ever talked about was having a house of his own... a bed to sleep on."

It's clear he needs time to process what's going on, so you leave him alone to think. You don't know what he'd do if his brother is killed, and unfortunately, that exactly happens. Derek and Hotch found him in the freight yard trying to escape, but Derek ended up catching him.

Armando died trying to escape, and Ruben breaks down in tears at the news.

This isn't one of those cases you want to remember.

It's hard to forget something like this, so when you arrive back at the BAU, you try your damndest to think about something positive, like Spencer's birthday.

"Do any of you have plans for tonight?" Spencer asks.

"We do. Your birthday is tomorrow, baby. I have something planned for the two of us. We're celebrating."

"You're on your own, kid," Derek chuckles.

After grabbing your things, you head to the elevator with the rest of your team. JJ stops you before you can get on, and you look at the woman to her right.

"Before you leave, I wanted to introduce you to someone. This is Agent Jordan Todd. She'll be taking over for me while I'm on maternity leave."

"Agent Jareau has told me so much about you all. You must be Agent Prentiss."

"Yes, nice to meet you," Emily grins and shakes her hand.

"Hello, Dr. Reid and Agent Y/N. Agent Morgan. It's nice to see you again," she grins.

She must be the woman Derek met before at the cafe.

"Nice to see you, too. So, this must be the good news."

"This would be my brownie."

"Have you two met?" JJ asks.

"Briefly."

"Well, Agent Todd comes to us from seven years at counter-terrorism."

"I'm looking forward to working with the Behavioral Analysis Unit."

"We're starting her training now."

"Wait, right now?"

"We're kind of running out of time," JJ smiles and pats her big stomach. "Let me introduce you to the rest of the team."

"I'll see you in the field... team," Jordan grins.

She and JJ leave, and you're free to return to your own lives. You and Spencer head to your car, but before Spencer can get into the passenger seat, you toss him your keys.

"You're driving." Spencer doesn't drive often, so when he does, he takes joy in it. He doesn't like it, but he doesn't mind once in a while. "We're not going home."

"Where are we going?"

Spencer stops at a red light and looks at you in confusion. You lean over and place your lips to his neck, and he stiffens up. He grips the steering wheel tightly, refusing to let his feelings get in the way of his driving. You kiss his neck slowly while sliding your hand across his thigh. You can feel him tense under your touch, but that doesn't stop you.

You nip at his sensitive spot before licking up to the shell of his ear. You bite his ear gently, and he strangles out a moan.

"I got us a hotel for the weekend," you whisper. "I don't plan on leaving the bed with you at all. I have your real present later, but right now, all you have to worry about is getting me naked."

All reasonable thought has left Spencer's mind. He closes his eyes for two seconds, and the car behind him honks. His eyes fly open to see the light is green. You giggle and return to your seat, but your hand doesn't leave his thigh.

This is going to be one helluva weekend.

"Beyond the East the sunrise, beyond the West the sea, and the East and West the wander-thirst that will not let me be." - Gerald Gould

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fan fic #spencer reid fan fiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fan fiction #criminal minds fan fic #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds angst #criminal minds series rewrite #series rewrite #cm season 4

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crazyforkasey-blog · 2 months ago

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When we met

Chapter 18

February 1945 somewhere in France

Easy Company Where orders on board the 40-and 8s the French rail boxcars that held forty men or eight horses. The weather was sunny and warm. The 40 and 8s were knee-deep in straw, there was plenty to eat and nobody was shooting at them.

Winters, Nixon who were drunk as a skunk, Katie and Dani were gathered around the rail depot.

Nixon pulled out a small box "Before I forget, Colonel Sink has been unhappy with the appearance of your uniform, says it's not befitting your rank" Nixon threw Winters a small box.

Winters looked at Katie who shrugged, she had no idea what the S3 officer was talking about.

Winters opened his box and revealed what was in it "Oak leaves" Winters said

Nixon jumped to attention and gave Winters a small salute.

The train ride lasted 18 hours and Dani was getting jumpy. She had a surprise for Speirs in her footlocker; it was his Christmas present. She just never got the chance to give it to him, with them being in Bastogne and all.

In Mourmelon, the company was billeted in green twelve-man tents. Once again, Dani was sharing a tent with Katie and Mia. The nurse and the doctor were busy at the hospital, so Dani spent most of her time with the men and Speirs.

The first task was to get clean. There were showers, although the water was lukewarm at best. However, for the men and women who had not had a shower since leaving Mourmelon ten weeks ago it was heaven.

Dani and Mia were standing outside waiting for the men to finish on occasion when they yelled for them to hurry the heck up.

Once the last man, who was a poor private from D Company was done Mia and Dani hurried in. Dani just stepped into the shower with her uniform on and started to strip. The dirt mixed with blood of her killed and wounded friend mixed with the water. A flood of dirty water ran down Dani.

Mia looked over at Dani and noticed the dirty water, she nodded towards Dani's legs and Dani looked down at the water that ran down her legs and down the drain, in a way it was very therapeutic and Dani felt refreshed and cleansed by the time she stepped out of the shower.

With the peace and comfort of Mourmelon came the task of integrating the new replacements into the company. The replacements arrived, duffel bags slung over their shoulders. Full of piss and vinegar ready to jump into Berlin and take on Jerry.

Winters was sitting at his desk at HQ, he was grumbling and Katie who was half-asleep on the couch swore she heard him let out a few choice words.

"Dick what's wrong" Katie asked him

"I need to bolster up my staff, but I can't figure out what way to go," Winters answered. He let out a sigh and put his hands behind his head.

With Welsh serving as battalion S3, his choice of officers for the XO position were limited. He could promote Cox and let him take the position as XO, but that would mean he had to reel in Speirs and that was not something he wanted to do.

Now McMillan from D. Company, now there was an officer, you knew you were talking to a man when you talked to him. McMillan was a great leader and he was there for the men the whole time.

…

Nixon's drinking problems didn't go unnoticed at Regiment. Sink sought out Winters.

"I have a problem Dick" Sink said and sat on the chair in front of Winters desk.

Winters knew what would come next so it was no surprise when Sink told him that Nixon was drunk all the time "I mean, I certainly knock down a few myself at night and when off duty, I can't get any damn work out of him. How did you find him to work with?"

"Well Nixon and I get along very well" Winters told Sink and thought it was funny as hell, that Sink was complaining about Nixon's drinking when Sinks nickname was bourbon Bob.

"Well you can have him back, hell every time I need him he is here anyways, so you might as well keep him" Sink left and Winters now had to tell Nixon about his demotion.

Operation varsity...The 101st thought it would be theirs, but at the last minute it was given to the 17th airborne. Sink decided to send Nixon along as an observer.

Nixon was jumpmaster and in the first seat by the door on his plane. As they took off, they could see the boys from Easy yelling and giving them the V sign.

Nixon opted to remove the door after take-off; he was looking out the door, so he could see when they reached the drop zone.

Nixon motioned for the men to "stand up, hook on, and sound of for equipment check"

Nixon waited for the green light to come on; seconds after they got the green light, the plane took a direct hit over the drop zone.

Nixon grabbed the man next to him and threw himself and the man out of the plane, all he could think about was getting to safety.

Both their chutes opened and they watched how the plane crashed, only one other soldier had made it out.

When they arrived at the assembly, point Nixon informed the CO of the battalion what happened and returned to the CP to drink himself to sleep.

Nixon was sent back over the Rhine and flown back to Mourmelon.

On the way back, just a little outside the camp, he drove past Mia and Lipton, "Was that Captain Nixon?" Mia asked Lipton

"I think so," Lipton said

"What the hell is he doing in his harness?" Mia asked

"I don't know, but let's find out" Lipton said and started to walk back towards camp

Nixon didn't speak a word on the way back to camp; he was thinking about Lane and all the men who died in vain. When he drove into camp, he almost hit Speirs and his most recent loot.

Nixon just got out and walked inside his billet, he went straight for the booze.

"Do you really think that is the answer?" Mia, who had followed asked him

"Yep" was all Nixon said

"I don't and if you don't talk to me, you are going to be a very lonely soldier soon" Mia took off her helmet and started to shrug off her jacket.

"I just don't know what I am doing here anymore, why do we fight, can you tell me that?" Nixon asked her

Mia shrugged. I don't know, but I have a feeling we will find out soon enough.

Dick walked into the room, Mia picked up her jacket, she gave Winters a look that said I tried, but failed. Winters looked at the drink Nixon had just poured and then looked at Mia, who just threw her hand up, to motion she wanted to stay out of whatever was coming and then she left.

"So you are making combat jumps with the 17th, while I am in supply briefings all morning"

Nixon started to take off his boots "Yeah lucky me"

"Well congratulations, you are probably the only officer in the 101st with three stars over your jump wings"

Nixon just looked at winters "Yeah I never fired my weapon in combat ha"

"Really? Never not even with all the action we seen?" Winters asked him

"Not a round" Nixon said and walked over and poured himself another drink

"So, how did it go this morning? The Jump?" Winters asked

"Great, fantastic, we took a direct hit over the drop zone, I got out, and two others got out" Nixon said

"And the rest of the boys?" Winters asked

"They blew up over Germany somewhere, boom" Nixon said

"Yeah, I am sorry" Winters answered him

"About what?" Nixon asked

"About the boys' tough situation" Winters answered

"Oh yeah the boys, yeah terrible, oh well it wasn't me" Nixon said

At this point Nixon took his drink and gulped it down.

"The real tragedy is, they also lost their CO, so guess who gets to write all the letters home?" Nixon threw his empty bottle in a bucket beside the door to the living room and walked through it.

Dick followed him; Nixon scrounged for some more Vat 69 and found some in a near empty bottle.

He then sat down on a chair; Winters turned and looked at him "I got a visit from Colonel Sink this morning"

"Yeah, how is the good colonel" Nixon asked

"Concerned, still drinking nothing but the Vat 69," Winters answered him

"Nothing but the finest for Mrs. Nixon's baby boy" Nixon said and saluted Winters with his drink

"Is that a problem at regiment?" Winters asked him

"What? this? Is that what he said? I just don't like up there" Nixon asked him

"Good, you be glad to hear Sink is transferring you back down to battalion S3" Winters told Nixon

"What do you think I should write to the parents?" Nixon asked his friend

"Did you hear what I said Nix, you been demoted" Winters asked him

"Demoted, yeah got it, because I don't know how to tell them their kids never even made it out of the god damn plane," Nixon retorted

"You tell them what you always tell them, their sons died as heroes," Winters told him

"You really still believe that?" asked Winters

"Yeah, yeah I do, don't you?" Winters asked Nixon

…

As March ended, so did the pleasant stay at the old garrison. The men of the 101st climbed back onto the trucks, this time bound for the west bank of the Rhine, the last obstacle to the heartland of Germany.

A couple of days later and for Nixon a couple of bottles later, Speirs, Dani, Welsh, Lipton, Mia and Nixon were gathered in the living room of Nixon's billet.

The boys were playing poker, well the boys and Mia, and she was cleaning them out. Welsh and Speirs were talking about how they couldn't believe it, how Ike was going to let the Russians get Berlin.

Nixon was running out of Vat 69 and suddenly got up "Deal me out" he said and walked out

Welsh looked around at the others "Are we waiting on him again?"

"Yeah, we're waiting" Lipton said

Nixon walked out of the house, it was pouring rain, he was officially out of Vat69. It was pouring rain. Nixon didn't notice, he was numb and he wallowed in the feeling he was drinking to keep himself from feeling his loss.

His loss of purpose, of the love of his life and the loss of control over his own life. He picked up a garbage can and threw it through the window causing the owner to open the window and scream Wie ist da.

A MP patrol pulled up. Nixon felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned his head and looked into the eyes of Dani, and she motioned for him to follow her. Dani led Nixon into his room and got him out of his wet clothes.

"Do you think she will be back?" Nixon asked

"I know she will," Dani answered, not sure if she was lying or not.

#band of brothers fanfic #band of brothers fic #lewis nixon #ron speirs #band of brothers fanfiction #lewis nixon x oc

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duhragonball · 4 months ago

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Other Months

You know, I was sort of hoping that by now, there would be some sort of course correction from Nanowrimo. I mean, the backlash seems pretty substantial. I keep looking for updates on the situation, and I keep expecting Nano to issue some weak apology, or at least acknowledge the outcry. But instead, I just find news articles about the backlash, or sponsors pulling out because they can see which way the wind is blowing.

And I'm not entirely surprised, but I guess I thought the people running that organization were a little more savvy than this. Then again, all these pro-AI types only seem to know how to double-down, so I guess Nanowrimo has already demonstrated the depths of their incompetence. If they were smart enough try to clean up this mess they never would have issued that statement in the first place.

So I probably gave them too much credit, but... I mean, what other reaction could they have expected? Their whole deal depends on large numbers of human writers coming together to do this challenge every year. By refusing to condemn AI, they basically said that the efforts of the human writers are extraneous, when it's very much the other way around. The Nanowrimo organization thinks it's too big to fail, but without the writers' participation, they're nothing. Even if their sponsors are paying big bucks for AI promotion, it won't do any good if there's no one around to sell the products to. This seems blindingly obvious, but apparently Nanowrimo can't figure it out.

Anyway, enough about them. I'm planning to proceed on schedule from November 1-30, but I started thinking about what to do in the future. The rest of the world may settle on some agreed-upon "official month" to do the 50k challenge, but I'm more interested in picking something that works best for me. I'll run through some options under the cut.

NOVEMBER

Pro: Traditional. I'm familiar with this thrity-day span, so why rock the boat?

Con: The Thanksgiving four-day weekend is a pain in the ass to plan around. Also my mom's birthday is in November, and I usually drive to her place and take her out to lunch, so that's another day where I schedule minimal writing. Oh, and AEW runs the Full Gear PPV, and the NJPW World Tag League starts up in November, so it's actually kind of busy. My normal strategy is to try to get as big a lead as possible in the first week in order to finish well before all this other stuff can slow me down.

DECEMBER

Pro: None. This would suck.

Con: This would just be a harder version of November, since Christmas always falls on a different day of the week.

JANUARY/FEBRUARY

Pro: There's not much happening in these months, and I usually schedule some days off from work here just so I might miss a few lousy commutes in cold weather. February's only 28 days, but I've finished so many past 50k challenges early that it probably doesn't matter anymore.

Con: I've tried to do "Janwum" challenges in the past, but it's tough to get into gear so soon after completing one in November. I kind of had this vision of doing four writing months every year, but the non-November ones were always tough. Maybe January 2026 would be better if I didn't do any writing for November 2025. So that would push me towards...

MARCH-SEPTEMBER

Pro: I dunno.

Con: I feel like a lot of stuff happens during these months, which makes it difficult to make solid plans. Then again, this is probably just because I've devoted so much planning to making sure Novembers are as clear as I can make them.

OCTOBER

Pro: It's like November, but sooner. Fewer holidays, wrestling shows, and so forth.

Con: That's when OC-tober happens, and I really would like to keep doing that in October if I can. True, I've only done the challenge once in 2021, but I want to get back to it, so I need to start re-evaluating my priorities.

OCTOBER 20-NOVEMBER 18

Pro: This would mostly eliminate my problems with November. I always get a little anxious to start in the last week of October, so maybe I should just go ahead and start early.

Con: Well, the OC-tober stuff would still be a conflict, if nothing else.

I'm not sure I've come to any strong conclusions here, except that I might want to do these in January, but I need to schedule 2025's challenge for the middle of the year. Like... June-ish? Well, that would get it out of the way in time for the G1 Climax. Huh.

#fuck nanowrimo #unaffiliated autumnal writing challenge

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asirenscream · 6 months ago

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TIMING: late february 2024 LOCATION: wren's home. PARTIES: @asirenscream & @vanoincidence SUMMARY: movie night! van and wren think they're going to enjoy a simple movie night, but it all goes awry when a mirror reveals wren's secret she had been hiding. CONTENT: none.

The night required plenty of research. Wren was already lost on how to host a night for a ‘friendly get together’. She had used the Google website plenty to figure out just what exactly that could mean. Snacks were made, making sure they weren’t raw meat for Van’s sake, and she got various fruity drinks. Wren was optimistic that this could go well! She didn’t have many friends yet so she wanted to make sure that it did go well. She really liked being around Van. Van didn’t make fun of her for crying and even went out of her way to help her meet new friends.

Poppy had informed Wren that it was normal for homes to have mirrors in them. Of course, when they looked into mirrors then they’d see their true forms staring right back at them. The mirror resting in the hallway showed Wren just as she was. Her head tilted to the side then to the other, her mouth opening to show the razor sharp teeth lined in it. She snapped it shut and sighed. Poppy had warned her that there were dangers to showing her true form to just anyone. Maybe within time she could show Van and hope that it wouldn’t send her friend running.

Covering up the mirror with a sheet, Wren silently hoped that Van wouldn’t question it too much. Or should she take it down? That was weird, wasn’t it? The other mirrors were covered or out of the way at least. She took down the sheet and stuffed it in the hall closet just in time for the knock on the front door.

“Coming!” Wren called out and hurried over to unlock the front door, swinging it open. She smiled brightly at Van. “Hi, Van! Thank you for agreeing to my fun get together! I got snacks and drinks! I hope you like fruit flavors! I also made sure it was not raw meat! For the snacks, that is. I heard chocolate is a fun thing to share with friends, too! So there is that, also!” She was talking fast, beaming so brightly that it was starting to ache in her cheeks.

—

Van was running late, as she almost always was. There were moments where being on time mattered– at work, and when somebody new invited you to hang out. Van knew that part of making a good impression meant being prompt, but she couldn’t help but stare in the mirror for a few moments too long as she adjusted the daisy hair clip to keep her hair out of her eyes, but instead threw it to the ground in a fit of frustration as it wasn’t sitting right.

The idea to reach out to Wren and cancel came to mind– to instead curl up in bed and watch tik toks about Acheron’s recommended build so that she could be ready for the character’s release, but what would that say to the girl who had cried over raw sausage? Obviously she’d probably cry about being canceled on, and Van would probably cry about doing the canceling.

So finally, Van picked herself up and rode her board all the way to Harborside. The weather was finally peeling back from the bitter cold that’d taken them over, which meant that the wind hitting Van’s face didn’t hurt nearly as bad as before.

It was lucky that Wren didn’t live all too far from Regan’s apartment, either. Not having her car anymore inhibited her in a lot of ways, but luckily she had Jade usually to both pick her up and drop her off after work. The cans of red bull that rolled in her bag as she kicked her board up made her make a mental note to tell Wren not to open them until a lot later.

The door opened and Van smiled at her new friend, peering past her into the apartment. It was nice, and surprisingly clean. For some reason, she thought there might be raw meat bags everywhere. That was dumb of her. “Hey! Oh– I– yeah, I love fruity things.” She tugged her bag off of her shoulder and knelt her board outside by the door. Hopefully it wouldn’t get stolen. “Chocolate is good! Unless it’s Hersheys, then that stuff sucks, but if you got hershey’s, it’s okay– I’ll still eat it. I’ll eat anything.” She gave Wren an apologetic smile before kicking her shoes off. She swung her bag around, digging inside. “Here, I brought this for you– it’s red bull. Peach nectarine.” Her signature flavor, or so she liked to push. “It’s really good, but don’t open it yet– I think it got all like, shaken up and stuff.”

—

Wren practically beamed at Van. “Yay! I’m really glad! I should have messaged you, but I dunno. I guess I just didn’t think about it?” More so the fact that she was still adjusting to the whole concept in itself. It took plenty of trial and error on her end before she was able to even post and reply to people. She was glad that she did. There were surprisingly plenty of nice people in town. It felt less daunting talking to people on the internet than it did in person. In person it was so much more overwhelming. She could always feel the tremors in her fingers starting and the sweat beading on her skin. At least now with Van she found herself enjoying the other’s company immensely. Things felt a little less scary with her, which was rather surprising to the siren.

“I got lots! I don’t think I got any Hersheys…” Wren tapped a finger against her bottom lip in thought. She used the Google site for the best chocolate and printed it out on paper to bring to the store. Her hands had shook as she gripped the paper in them, but she was proud she was able to buy these ‘groceries’ for her get together with her friend. “Maybe when the strawberries are in season we can do chocolate covered ones! I read that they’re very good!” She had enjoyed that drink that she had that was strawberry flavored so she was optimistic about the actual fruit itself.

A gasp escaped Wren. A gift. A gift from a friend! This was so exciting! “Oh! Thank you so much!” She grinned excitedly and clapped her hands together. “I will put them in the fridge so we can enjoy later! Thank you so much, Van. I haven’t gotten a gift from a friend before. That is so sweet.” Wren gushed and took the drink to put in the fridge. She hurried to go put it in the fridge and shut the door. “I like your hair, by the way!” She commented from the kitchen nearby. “It looks nice!”

—

“No, it’s okay!” Van smiled, waving away Wren’s apology– if it was even that. “It’s like, totally okay. I forget to answer text messages and stuff all the time.” She couldn’t blame people for not reaching out– half the time, she forgot to do so, even with the people that really mattered to her.

“It’s okay if you did get Hershey’s! Like I said, I’ll eat anything.” Van wasn’t typically the kind of person to notice things– her mind running too rampant with all of her misgivings and wrongdoings, but she took note of Wren’s shaking hands as she reached for the paper. Van wasn’t sure what was on the other side of it, she couldn’t see. “Chocolate covered strawberries are like, super good. Have you ever done fondue? The cheese one like, kills me, but there is one with just chocolate and fruits and it’s really good!” It was expensive, too, but maybe she could put some money together, or encourage a couple of other people to join them so that it’d cut the bill down.

The way that Wren spoke reminded Van of Ren. She wondered how her friend was doing, and if she’d ever be back. Van understood why she had to leave– something about family. It didn’t hurt as much as she thought it would have, but she made a mental note to try and reach out on the number she’d last heard from her on. “They’re like, really good. Kind of tart, but in a good way.” Van pushed further into the kitchen as Wren retreated to the fridge. She tried to get a look inside, but it shut before she could surmise whether or not there was more raw sausage. “My hair?” She reached up to touch the phantom hairs that she’d snipped away last night in an attempt to save herself a trip to the hairdresser. “I just cut it– or like, not cut it, but I fixed the length and stuff.” After a brief pause, she pointed towards Wren’s hair, “yours is nice, too!” It was weird, being around people with hair. Thea’d been bald for so long that her roommate was what Van expected in most others these days.

—

“Okay, I’m glad,” Wren breathed out in relief. Was it always this hard for humans to juggle the online thing and in person thing? She was having a hard time with it. She wanted to put herself out there so she could meet new people: like Wynne and Ariadne. Yet, putting herself out there was scary in itself. It could just blow up in her face—or she could blow up… What if someone blew her up? Oh, that wasn’t a good train of thoughts to go down. She had to stop it instantly. Wren shook her head as if to get rid of the thoughts and smiled at Van. Hopefully she didn’t look like an utter weirdo right now.

Wren beamed and smoothed down the list of groceries she had kept as a sort of accomplishment for even managing to do it. “I went to the grocery store! And it wasn’t as scary as it could be!” Only mildly terrifying rather than meltdown inducing. Smoothing the paper against the countertop hid her tremble somewhat. “So I hope these were okay!” She moved to lay out the different brands of chocolate treats on the counter and blinked owlishly at Van. “Do you like any of these? If not, totally okay! I just wanted lots of options and the Google site said these were the best, so…” Why was it so nerve inducing just trying to impress a friend? Wren never really had friends before so this was a whole learning curve for her.

Fondue. Wren had no idea what that was, but it sounded fascinating. “I haven’t! That sounds like so much fun!” Dipping various things in cheese or chocolate, wow… Maybe fish? No. That was definitely weird. Wren would have to file that away for later to maybe try herself. There was one thing about human culture and the fact that there were so many food options! So much of the world out there and Wren had barely even skimmed the surface. That was likely the point her parents were trying to make, but it made her want to squirm. Another wave anxiety and Wren just had to swallow past the lump in her throat.

“I can’t wait to try it. Thank you, again, really!” Wren insisted. A smile pulled at her pink lips and she nodded. “I like it. You did a great job.” She didn’t have to cut her hair. One of the perks of being a shapeshifter was she could adjust the length as she saw fit. She preferred to keep it at the length she had it now: mid back with the various bright orange and red strands along with the tips of her dark brown hair being half red and half orange. “Thanks!” A faint blush dusted Wren’s cheeks as she held up the ends of a portion of her hair. “I’m debating changing the orange and yellow, but I’ve had it like this for ages, so I’m not sure yet.” Plus change was scary. “Um, did you want to grab stuff and head toward the couch? We can pick a movie!”

—

“My grandma used to call me her little trash can ‘cause I’d eat like, pretty much anything you put in front of me.” There were some things she wouldn’t eat, but she didn’t figure Wren would pull out canned corn or anything like that. She looked over the items on the counter and nodded in approval, “I get it though. Sometimes when I go to the store and stuff I get anxious too because what if the line is too long and I forgot something? Then I have to go and get it and come back and wait even longer.” Van didn’t mention the whole killing someone in a grocery store thing, mostly because she figured that’d not earn her any laughter, and would instead make things super awkward. Besides, Wren didn’t need to know she was a murderer (out of self defense, and also not).

“I really like anything with coconut or peanut butter, so this is like,” she picked up one of the options, waving around the blue and white wrapped, “really great!” Van beamed at Wren before tearing open the package. Maybe she should’ve waited for later, but her stomach grumbled with hunger. After everything going on the past couple of days, it was nice to distract herself with something normal.

Maybe one day she’d do something with her hair the way Wren had. She didn’t know about what kind of color, though. Maybe purple. She liked purple, and she thought purple liked her because it was the majority of what was in her wardrobe. “It’s super easy when you want to save money, especially because then you don’t like, really care about what it’s going to look like, you know? Plus it always grows back.” It was weird, her hair being the only thing she wasn’t really anxious about. “I think the orange is really cool, and I like the yellow, too! It looks nice on you, but it’s also cool to change things up.” Van bit into the chocolate, finishing off her bite before continuing, “but like, if Cass ever asks to do your hair, please don’t let her. She made my friend bald.” With a frown, she wrapped the rest of the bar up with its own wrapper and tucked it into her sweatshirt pocket. “Yeah! What did you want to watch?” She gathered the items on the counter into her arms, “do you like scary movies? I think I do, but only like, sometimes. I think cheesy romcoms are good, too!”

—

Wren huffed out a small laugh at Van’s comment. “That sounds kind of mean, but I get it. I always liked eating particular things when I was growing out, but grew out of it. My mom said I was too picky for my own good, but also was too strong willed to go with just eating whatever if it wasn’t something I wanted.” Her face beamed at the clear approval that Van had for the choices she had made on snacks. “No, exactly! It’s just… so daunting. It always feels so daunting going out and being around a bunch of people I don’t know.” Not that she really knew many people. She practically could count on one hand how many people she did indeed know. Most of them thought she was a human.

Bouncing slightly on her tiptoes, Wren smiled brightly. She was so glad she chose well. “Feel free to have whatever you want!” She grabbed the rest of the chocolates to carry with her as Van took a bunch in her arms as well. “If you don’t like it you can always change it later, for sure.” She agreed. It was different for humans, Wren knew that much. They couldn’t adjust their hair at will like she could, but the sentiment was the same. If you didn’t like it then you could always change it later or let it grow out. “Thank you! Change isn’t really my thing, but you never know. There’s sooo many different hair options.” Bald. Geez. “Oh! Oh geez, okay. Noted. I don’t wanna be bald.”

“I love cheesy romcoms! Those are so fun. Scary ones just… scare me. I’m willing to watch with other people though. It doesn’t feel as scary that way.” Wren nodded, coming to a stop near the hallway. She was going to head back toward the spare room with the big TV Poppy had left in there. The one in the living room confused her too much. “The coming of age ones are fun, too. I didn’t ever really experience anything like that, so it’s—” Glancing to the side, Wren startled when she saw her true form and dropped the chocolate in her arms when she did. “Oh! I’m—sorry! Sorry, don’t—” Don’t what? Don’t look? Wren was floundering. “Hah—so clumsy of me, sorry!”

—

“Maybe it was, but I thought it was kind of funny.” Was her grandma being mean spirited? Was it something she hadn’t noticed about the older woman? Maybe Wren had a point, maybe her grandma had been cruel in different ways. Then again, Wren didn’t know her grandma. Van willed her mind to keep from wandering too far. “There’s a lot of people here, even if it’s like… a smaller city.” She would have remembered Wren, she thought– from school, at least. “Where did you move from? Was it a really small town or something?”

“Life is too short to like, be boring or look boring, anyway.” She smiled at Wren, even though the girl was facing away from her as they relocated to the– okay, not the couch. A separate room? Van leaned back slightly as they ventured further down the hall, craning her neck to get a look at the t.v. Maybe it was broken? That was a possibility. The t.v in her living room had been broken, too. She wondered if everything else was, too. The goo had taken over for a while after all. “I’m sure you’d look really good bald, but like… well, I mean, winter is over, so maybe it won’t be so bad anymore.” She offered a small, yet hesitant smile as they moved further down the hall to the room with the television.

“Being around people sometimes makes it scarier, because then it can turn into a horror movie, you know? I like being scared when there’s no actual like.. danger. I hate being actually scared.” She wasn’t sure if that made sense or not. Van nodded in agreement. “You didn’t? Why no–” Van dropped her own items as she caught a glimpse of a bird-like creature in the mirror. Where Wren should have been standing was something else, something entirely different. Someone different, Van rationalized. She dropped to her knees in an attempt to grab the items she’d dropped. She kept her gaze low. Looking at Wren out of the corner of her eye, she was still Wren, but in the mirror…

Finally, Van forced herself to look up, to meet Wren’s gaze. She then looked past her new friend to the mirror, and sure enough– feathers replaced skin, and Wren became more birdlike than human. A while ago, maybe Van would have surmised that Wren had a fake horror mirror just to move past the initial shock, but she was friends with a bear, and Regan was fae and vampires were real. She swallowed thickly and willed the anxiety to subside. “Um…” She pointed towards the mirror, “that’s…” She looked at Wren– yeah, human, and then not human. God, this was confusing. “You’re a bird?” She couldn’t believe she was saying the words out loud.

—

“As long as it didn’t bother you then that’s all that matters, you know? Some people probably thought my cousin was mean to me, but that was just Poppy. I loved her all the same.” Wren shrugged. She paused, feeling a momentary wave of panic. That was a really hard question to answer. It’s not like she could just say: ‘oh, you know. The beach.’ That didn’t make sense. She scratched absently at her cheek and let out a soft, yet weak laugh. “Um, this tiny place off the coast. It was mostly my extended family and family friends there so not a lot of room to meet new people there. This is a whole new thing for me. This is giant for me even if it’s tiny to some people, if that makes sense.”

Wren grimaced at herself. Okay, she definitely said couch originally. It was fine! Rerouting. She was a bit scrambled right now. She didn’t know how to operate like a normal person most days. Even if she wasn’t pretending to be human most days it felt like she was wading through uncharted waters all by herself. Friends and family were supposed to be how she got through this, but she was starting anew. At least she was starting to make friends, even if it felt like she was one wrong move from messing it all up.

A little laugh escaped Wren as she glanced back at Van. “Thanks, Van. I think you’d also look lovely bald. In anything, really! Um—” Okay, reel it back a bit. “Yes! No, exactly. I’m glad you get it. It’s more fun being able to feel scared, but not actually feel like there’s something to be scared of.” Especially since Wren was practically terrified of everything around her, whether it was alive or not.

It felt like this was something that was part of a movie. Wren’s heart practically dropped to her feet. She wrung her hands together and knew that she had been caught. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her true form in the mirror and knew that’s exactly what Van had been staring at. She could feel the well of tears starting to rise up. How was she going to even explain this? Wren was floundering already and she hadn’t even said a single thing. Would Van hate her? Be scared of her? Not want anything to do with her, period? It made her stomach churn with uncertainty.

“Um, technically?” Wren practically whimpered. “I’m a… I’m a siren. I’m not going to do anything! I promise! I don’t eat hearts! They always scared me! Well, humans, period, scare me!” She was hyperventilating the tiniest bit. “Not you though! You’re so nice and my friend! You’ve been so nice to me and I don’t—can we still be friends? I promise I haven’t done anything! No enthralling or heart eating or, or—” Wren threw her hands up as tears dripped down her cheeks, “I’m sorry! Please stay my friend!”“Oh, yeah.” Van nodded, trying to imagine what Wren’s cousin might be like past the tiny fragments she’d heard from Wren about her. Obviously they had to be close if this was Poppy’s apartment, right? Was Wren in a similar situation to herself in regards to Regan’s apartment? Maybe. She couldn’t really be sure. “That sounds really nice! I always wanted to live on the beach, or like, closer to it, but it’s pretty expensive… but at least I’m not landlocked?” Underneath of her bed at her house, there was a jar of shells she and her mom had collected, tiny holes drilled through the tips by her dad to create necklaces. They’d never really gotten the chance to actually make them.

—

Van shook her head, “I don’t think so… I mean, I’ve had like, super short hair before. Maybe a buzz cut, but not like, totally bald or anything. Maybe I’d dye it cool colors or something.” She tried to imagine herself bald but couldn’t quite get there. Thea took up a lot of space in that regard— being bald, and thinking. “No, yeah, totally… being actually scared is like, obviously scary. But not being… actually scared, but being scared… that’s so much better.” At least Wren seemed to think she was making sense!

And maybe it was because of what she was that made her understand the way Van spoke about being scared. But Van didn’t want to think that Wren was purposely scaring her, not when she’d invited her over at least!

“Siren…” Van’s mind was running wild with sirens right now. The urge to run, or to cry from the anxiety that was pooling in her chest— that this was just another secret she would have to hide— another thing that thrusted her into this existence where she wasn’t just a normal girl, but a girl with magic and all of her friends happened to be a part of that world, too. Wren was rambling and Van stared at her, mouth agape as the words her new friend said went through one ear, and out the other. “I don’t— Wren, I don’t know what you’re even saying.” Enthralling? Heart eating? God, she was going to have to read wasn’t she?

“Um— no, please don’t cry!” Was this how people felt around her? Oh god, it was awkward, but at least she cried too, so she knew how to help a little bit! Van extended a shaky hand, touching her friend’s shoulder. It felt like a human shoulder— no feathers beneath her palm. Weird. Then again, she didn’t ever feel Nora’s fur when she held Nora’s hand or anything, and there were no claws. “Um— it’s okay, I’m not… I don’t hate you or anything, I don’t— I’m not going to leave!” She attempted a smile, though it faltered slightly. She’d been in Wren’s shoes more times than she could count.

“I’m not— I mean, I am human, but like— well, I think I’m human, but I’m not just human, either! It’s okay!” She patted Wren’s shoulder comfortingly. Way to make this about yourself, asshole. Van cleared her throat. “Um, what I mean is that like, I won’t— I’m still your friend, because you would still be my friend if you knew about me, too!” Would she be? Could she be sure of that? So far, nobody else had an issue with her magic. She didn’t think Wren would, either. “It’s okay, really— I’m still your friend.”

—

This had spiraled way beyond Wren’s control. She was having a hard time breathing through the mounting panic that pressed down violently on her chest. She was supposed to blend in. Pretend to be human. Pretend that she could handle being out and about in the ‘real world’. Wren hadn’t wanted to be out in the real world. If it were up to her then she would have lived out the rest of her days in her colony off the coast. Maybe she’d have her own nest away from her parents. Maybe she’d stay with her parents. Though, considering they were the ones that forced her out then that was entirely unlikely. This was all so unfair. Of course the moment she made a friend meant she’d inevitably screw it up. Wren didn’t know the first thing about being normal.

“Sorry,” Wren managed to squeak out at Van’s stuttered admission of having no idea what she was talking about. She reached up to wipe at the never ending stream of tears painting her pale cheeks. Van’s attempt at comfort only made Wren cry all that much harder. Her breath hiccuped and hitched, coming out in ragged gasps as she tried to regain some control of herself—and failing spectacularly. “I’m sorry! I’m really, really sorry, Van!” Van’s heartbeat was an overwhelming thrumming in Wren’s ears at that moment. It was hard to tune it out, but it somewhat grounded her in the moment.

Van didn’t hate Wren, she wouldn’t leave. The siren swallowed thickly around the lump in her throat that had persisted. Not just human? Wren wasn’t sure what that could mean, but it did bring a small comfort. “Not just human? What do you mean?” Wren repeated softly, her head tilting slightly as she wiped at her face again. At least her tears weren’t falling as rapidly now. “I am sorry… I didn’t—my parents told me to not tell anyone I wasn’t human.” She admitted quietly. “I didn’t mean to lie, but I had to. I love being your friend. You’re the first friend I’ve made that’s not my cousin! You’re so nice and kind and—and funny! You’re a really good friend, Van. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I really am.”

Wren would likely keep apologizing if it would make things better, but she wasn’t sure if there was anything else she could say. Van didn’t look like she was ready to run away at least. Plus… she said she wouldn’t leave. That she was staying. Hopefully she didn’t change her mind.

—

Van wanted so desperately to be better at this. To know the right things to say, aside from repeating the same things over and over again, but it took learning to do that, and Van hadn’t had much practice being on the other side of things, but she wanted to try, because as much as Wren liked being her friend, Van liked being her’s, too.

Wren was crying harder than before, and Van panicked slightly, reaching out to rub her shoulder comfortingly. “It’s okay! I mean like, maybe it’s not, but it is, you know?” Maybe in that moment, Wren didn’t feel like things were okay and that was okay, but Van wanted her to know that overall, things would be fine. That they wouldn’t go up in flames, that even though it was clear the other girl felt panic in that moment, it would subside over time, that this wasn’t all there was. It was something Van had to remind herself of constantly, or else she’d never stop spiraling.

“It’s like, so okay.” Van’s best friend was a bear, and she had magic, and there were hundreds of other things she’d learned about the people around her, not limited to, but including fae and werewolves, and so she could totally deal with Wren being a siren. It was better that it happened now and not sometime in the past, because there was no telling how she would have reacted then. She bit the inside of her cheek, watching Wren carefully as she popped the question of what she was.

“Oh, I mean, um– I do magic? So like, human, but I’ve got spicy veins or something.” That was what she was telling herself, at least. The word magic still fell off her tongue like iron, like there was something wrong in admitting she had it, but it was getting easier, and after all, Wren was a bird person and there was no hiding it. Van felt like she owed it to her friend to be honest at least about something that was fairly easy to hide. “I’m still learning about it, and stuff like– like you, and it’s okay that you lied, I get it. I do.” Because protecting yourself came first, and Van’s thinly veiled ignorance about the world around her had been an act of protection, even if in the end all it did was make things worse. “And I still um… I still think you’re cool, too, and I’m glad that we’re friends!” Even if you’re a bird. The last part stayed tucked beneath her tongue, because even though she would have meant it as a joke, she didn’t want Wren to take it the wrong way. “I won’t tell anyone though, I promise. Your secret is like, totally safe with me.” The anxiety had begun to subside and the ache in her chest dulled itself out, as the distraction of making sure Wren was okay came into focus.

—

Wren’s bottom lip trembled as she tried to stop herself from crying so much. Van’s touch to her shoulder made her want to cry even more. Not in a bad way, but just the mere fact that she felt so guilty. Her first real friend outside of her cousin and she had it all blow up in her face in a mere moment. Poppy would likely tell her that she was being dramatic, but she couldn’t help it. “Okay,” she all but croaked out weakly. Was it really okay? Wren wasn’t so sure about that, but the least she could do was stop insistently sobbing while Van was still here and not leaving. She didn’t hate Wren at least and she would take that over anything.

Magic.

Blinking owlishly, Wren’s lips parted as she sucked in a sharp breath. “Spicy veins, that makes sense for sure.” She finally said, nodding her head. She hadn’t met anyone who knew how to do magic… that she knew of, at least. Van thought she was a normal human, so who’s to say that she hadn’t met someone else who knew how to do stuff that Van did? They were all protecting themselves at the end of the day. Wren barely wanted to interact with any humans to begin with. It still made her tremble with fear and feel like she’d be sick with fear at the extended conversation. (Or with anyone who worshiped the shrimp… She’s pretty sure she was still on a list somewhere.)

Wren touched Van’s arm and offered her a weak smile. “I’m glad that we’re friends. I really am. I won’t tell anyone about your magic either! I’m really good at keeping secrets… even if I don’t really talk to anyone to tell secrets to begin with, but still!” She nodded, looking determined. “I will have your back, promise! We can learn together about it, if you want? We got this! We’ll be like those movies I keep watching… the teen ones! Coming of age, I think! Anyways, I promise I will be here for you! And—and I won’t lie anymore!” She was babbling at this point, but Wren shook her head and managed a bit stronger of a smile. “Um, we can go watch the movie for real now, if you want! I won’t cry anymore… probably.”

It felt a bit easier to breathe now despite the shake lingering in her fingers, but Wren knew that she at least still had Van as a friend. They could keep watching movies and talk about random human stuff Wren still didn’t understand! Wren was starting to feel a tiny bit more optimistic about it all. She was still utterly afraid of humans, but Van was the nicest and coolest human she had ever met. Maybe there was hope for her getting over her fear yet.

#para: van #para: went off like sirens just crying #wickedswriting #vanoincidence

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aureutr · 2 years ago

Text

My Mystery Pain in 2022, by Month

I feel trite being like “it’s been a journey!” but it kinda has.

Quick sum up, I have an acute pain roughly in the area of my right ovary. I used to think it was menstrual cramps because mine were horrible, but once I went on bc it persisted even though I wasn’t having periods anymore. So in roughly August 2021 I started trying to figure out wtf it actually is.

Also, all of this has been very expensive despite the fact that I have very good insurance through my husband’s job (I’m not asking for money, just a note).

2021

Thought it might be endometriosis, but OBGYN thought it was an ovarian cyst. Got ultrasounds, including a trans-vaginal ultrasound. It was not a cyst. OBGYN referred me to a GP.

GP thought it might be a hernia. Got a CT scan. Also had an MRI at some point but I honestly forget when in this span it was. The pain was not a hernia. GP referred me to a surgeon.

Surgeon poked at me and went “that’s probably endometriosis” and referred me back to the OBGYN

January

Had an exploratory laparoscopy to check for endo. They found some! ...on the wrong side. Nothing in the area of the pain that would explain it. Referred back to GP

February

GP referred me to a gastro NP (the wait to see the MD was months and months). She ordered a colonoscopy.

March

Colonoscopy comes back squeaky clean (literally, considering what you have to go through the day before 😂).

April

NP puts me on a couple of medications to see if they work (they don’t). At my request, refers me to a specialty clinic. I’m being vague on purpose, but think Mayo Clinic (it was not the Mayo Clinic)

Drive for hours (one way) to get to specialty clinic. They poke at me and go “umm this isn’t gastro related, go to pain clinic I guess?”

They say there’s not a huge difference between their pain clinic and what I’d find locally, so I ask for a referral I can take to a local place. It didn’t make sense to make the drive every time if I didn’t have to.

May

Check back in with GP. I have to say, I really like my GP. Just because she couldn’t find the answer and kept referring me to other doctors doesn’t mean she wasn’t doing her job. We had a lot of possibilities to eliminate!

Anyway, the pain clinic GP is associated with doesn’t have any appointments until September.

So I find another one!

New pain MD thinks it’s a nerve issue. Meralgia Paresthetica, he says. That covers a lot of possible specifics, but

I ask new pain MD about perhaps a TENS unit, because a friend of mine has one and I was curious as to if it would work for me. He literally screams at me about how it’s not a viable treatment. Sets up an appointment for a nerve block.

On my way out he hands me a printout about the condition so I can learn some more. Printout recommends TENS unit for mitigation.

Day of nerve block is weird af. There are a ton of people there, all patients. It’s run like an assembly line, almost. All of the nurses and assistants are great and kind and helpful. Pain MD is still a weird jerk.

I don’t know what he did, but all the nerve block accomplished was making the pain 100x worse (temporarily). When I mention this, he screams again about how he used imaging to find the nerve so what I was feeling wasn’t possible.

Follow-up was a phone call, during which I insisted my husband be present. Once again, Pain MD screamed at me for asking a question. He tells me that I can mitigate with lidocaine patches, but they probably won’t work so I should let him surgically implant an electrode instead.

I don’t want to do that, and even if it was the only answer I no longer trust Pain MD. Go back to GP and ask for a referral to the pain clinic I have to wait for.

In the meantime, start wearing lidocaine patches. It helps a little bit.

June

Waiting. Husband has knee surgery. It goes well and he heals quickly, and if I’m honest I’m relieved I can give some care back to him for a change. He doesn’t like to let people take care of him but I like to do it.

July

Waiting. But y’know, we can’t have socialized medicine in America because the wait times would be too long! 🙃

August

Still waiting! As a note, the pain is so bad that I regularly had to call out of work (generally half days, I always tried to push through until I couldn’t). I napped constantly, had almost no energy. I can’t use my home office because sitting upright in an office chair makes it worse. Nothing really makes it better other than sleep, but I found ways to prevent it from getting to the worst point.

September

After Pain MD, I now always have Husband go with me to initial doctor appointments so I can use his tall, white, cis dude powers to my advantage.

Fortunately, new Pain MD seems like a good guy and is very attentive. Has me do a pelvic X-ray because it was the only “easy” test that hadn’t been done. He didn’t think that it would be the answer, and was up front about that, but felt like it was due diligence. X-ray found nothing

He prescribes gabapentin, orders me a TENS unit, and puts me in physical therapy. He isn’t convinced physical therapy would help, but insurance will cover it and it’s something to try.

Gabapentin gives near-immediate relief. I drop from a daily 6 or 7 to a daily 2 or 3. It’s like I’m a person again.

Also refers me to a neurologist, whose first available appointment is December 30th.

October

Physical therapist is kind and helpful. Go 2x a week. It’s all individual exercises that aren’t hard on their own, but they add up.

I am still wearing lidocaine patches daily (I start cutting the big ones in half because I don’t like the material of the little ones), taking gabapentin, and regularly using the TENS unit. All together they help a lot, but nothing makes it completely go away.

November

Finish “evaluation period” of physical therapy. Pain has gotten worse since (not as bad as pre-mitigations, but still worse). Physical therapist and I agree that this is not a problem that PT can solve.

Have follow-up with new pain MD (actually with his PA). Gapabentin gets increased, no other changes.

December

Check in with pain PA again. She orders two separate nerve block tests, scheduled for January. They had been hesitant to do this because I had one done, but apparently the original pain MD I saw has a bad reputation. They didn’t dump on him, but professionally agreed when I did. There’s a suspicion that the first one was not done correctly.

Meet with neurologist (again, Husband comes to this first meeting). Mentions that this might possibly be a pinched nerve in my back, despite the core of the pain being in the front. Orders a nerve conduction study, not yet scheduled because insurance has to approve it first. Because American healthcare is hell. And I have good insurance!!

I also got laid off at the beginning of this month. Insurance is through my husband’s job, so fortunately that does not immediately affect my care.

Now

Three tests coming up (two nerve blocks, also nerve conduction study), then we’ll see. If it does turn out to be a pinched nerve in my back it might be fixable with surgery. But there’s a very good chance this is just something I live with and mitigate for the rest of my life. I don’t know yet.

Anyway, it’s kind of hard to feel creative on top of all of this so that’s why fics and art have kind of tapered off as the year wore on. I want to get back into it, but I try not to force hobbies. They should always be fun.

I don’t have a thesis statement to conclude. I wrote this out for me, really. I know this blog is mostly shitposts and fandom stuff, but it’s still a blog. Thanks for reading if you did, I hope you didn’t feel obligated to <3

#real life #tmi #this is mostly for me I guess #but wow it's been a lot

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twilightmalachite · 1 year ago

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ABYSS - The Ocean of ■ That Drips Downwards 2

Author: Akira

Characters: Kaoru, Souma, Kanata, Madara

Translator: Mika Enstars

"Do you know why, Mikejima? Kanata doesn’t know."

Season: Winter

Location: Yumenosaki Academy Marine Biology Clubroom

Back to the present. It’s early February, in the Marine Biology Clubroom…)

Kaoru: Man, talk about a disaster, Souma-kun!

Souma: … …

Kaoru: It was a huge surprise you know. I show my face in the clubroom for the first time in a while, and there you lay, covered in blood!

I called the police, thinking it might’ve been a case of murder.

Souma: …You’re meaninglessly noisy as usual. What do I have to do to shut that mouth of yours, Hakaze-dono?

Kaoru: Aren’t you lacking energy, Souma-kun? You okay? Anemia?

Souma: I’m simply ashamed. For having such an unsightly appearance of mine be shown to Hakaze-dono, of all people.

Kaoru: Nahh, no need to feel ashamed. It was an accident, wasn’t it?

What did you say happened again? You were cleaning the clubroom and a vase or something fell from above and hit you right on the head?

Souma: Yes… It was a disaster indeed.

Unlike you, I make sure to do good deeds on a daily basis.

Kaoru: I’ve been making sure to take things seriously as of late too~, really, really! So seriously that my older fans are even wondering if I’m the same person!

Souma: Hmph, but you are the same person. While you have always been frivolous, you’ve always been a good man.

Those who wonder such things about you must not know you at all.

Kaoru: Souma-kun, you understand? Understand me?

Souma: …I don’t know. Now, or ever.

For a blockhead like myself, understanding another is none but a pipe dream.

Kaoru: What’s up~? That’s pretty glum. I suppose the Marine Biology Club remains to be not very popular, is it lonely being by yourself? Do you want me to visit more often?

Souma: You’re fussing more than necessary. It’s annoying.

Kaoru: I’m just worried about you!

Souma: I've not fallen from grace so much for you to worry about me!

More importantly, Hakaze-dono, what has you visiting today?

You can help clean the clubroom. With how an unnecessary accident had knocked me unconscious, the mess isn’t cleaned up at all.

Kaoru: Eh~, what a pain…

Kaoru: I mean, yes, right, gotcha, I’ll help out.

You’re scaring me, don’t stare at me like that. Won’t people misunderstand?

Souma: I wasn’t staring at you. Just, this vase that hit me earlier… I felt like I had seen it somewhere before, so I couldn’t help but look closely.

Ahh, that’s right. This is from the funeral venue that day…

This vase looks just like the one I had seen there… No, it might be the very same one.

Kaoru: Wait, hold on a second. Funeral venue? Vase? Is this a…?

Souma: Yes. It’s possible this is an urn.

Kaoru: Ueeeehh… W-What is this doing in our club room!?

Souma: Perhaps our former president, Shinkai-dono, left it behind?

No, no matter how much common sense that person lacks, there’s no way he’d casually take such an important item out of his household.

Hmm, quite the mystery.

No, both now and ever, he has always been nothing but a mystery to me.

Location: Funeral Venue

Back to the past…

Kanata: Zzz, zzz…♪

Madara: God~, God~, wake up!

Kanata: Ouh.

As he already said, Mikejima, Kanata is not a god yet.

Madara: Alriiight, then you’re not God, but a baby. Why were you sleepiiing?

Kanata: Kanata doesn’t know. He didn’t realize he fell asleep.

Kanata is easily influenced by others' behavior, is filled up easily like water.

So, if someone sleeps next to him, he sleeps too… That’s probably why.

Souma: … …

Madara: I wonder who this guy is. I ended up knocking him out ‘cause he was about to touch God.

Well, it’s fine. More importantly, we’re aaaall set here!

All according to plan, all the old men have started to talk to each other at the banquet, figuring out what they’re gonna do next and such.

Now might be our chance to sneak up to the body.

Kanata: Will Kanata be able to meet Mother?

Ah, oh no. Not supposed to call her Mother. She’ll get angry.

Madara: It’s not right to get angry. What’s wrong with calling your mother “mother”?

Kanata: But, Mother is a god.

…But, if Mother’s a god, then why did she die?

Do you know why, Mikejima?

Kanata doesn’t know.

Madara: I dunno why eitherrr. ‘Cause Im an idiot.

Unlike my little sister, I’m not smart. Though she always gets angry at me when I say that.

Kanata: People are always angry at both Mikejima and Kanata.

Madara: Mhm, that’s why we became friends!

Souma: U…Uu, hm?

Madara: Ah, uh oh. This guy’s about to wake up.

Shooould I knock him out again? Time to return to the world of dreaaams~! ♪

Kanata: T, That’s scary, stop it. It’s frightening to see you hit someone.

This kid hasn’t done anything wrong. You mustn’t hit him.

Madara: Okay, okay. At God’s will~♪

Souma: …W, what are you? Who are you?

Madara: Oh, shoot. Look, he’s woken up!

Souma: Y-You scoundrel… I’m gonna call an adult!

Madara: Thaaat’d be a problem.

Madara: Fuhaha, guess I have no choice! I’ll have to kill this bastard to keep his mouth shut! ♪

Souma: Y-You’re wish to kill me? W-Why, you barbarian!

Madara: What’s with you? What a weird way of speaking.

God’s also weird. Am I the only normal person here?

I already knew that, though. It’s seriously crazy, all of this.

← prev | story directory | next →

#abyss #scout #translation #madara mikejima #kanata shinkai #souma kanzaki #kaoru hakaze

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whatisreggieshortfor · 2 years ago

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February Fifteenth

James x MC

It started with a note.

A week before Valentine’s Day James had found it, weirdly someone had managed to slip it into his own pocket. It was simple, just saying they liked his smile and other sweet things, and they had signed it as a secret admirer.

Then he found another one in his bag the next day.

And then another on the counter at the bar.

Then another.

Each one addressed to him, each one naming different things they admired about him, but each one signed the same.

He thought maybe it was a joke. His coworker, Anissa, seemed to find it funny every time she saw him stumble across one. After all Valentine’s Day had come and gone and he still didn’t know who it was.

But still, when he walked into work on the fifteenth, Anissa was grinning at him, “Find any new ones, lover boy?”

“Not today.” He answered with a sigh and a smile, he may not know who it was but it gave him something to talk to her about that wasn’t drunk patrons and drink orders. He tied his apron around his waist, hearing a crinkle in the pocket as his brow furrowed and he wondered if he grabbed the wrong one.

Another note.

Hearing a mocking gasp, he glanced back at Anissa, “Are you lying to me, Jimmy boy?”

He rolled his eyes with a chuckle, “Yes. Clearly I psychically knew this was there.”

“What’s it say this time?”

James almost didn’t want to read it. Sure, the notes he’d been getting were cute, but nothing compared to the feeling he got of just sharing them with Anissa. He shared everything he could with her, even his stories- she was basically his beta reader. His closest friend, and he still only really saw her at work. Still, determined to kick away this one sided crush, he opened the note, ‘I’ll be waiting for you outside at close. If you don’t want to see me, just turn out the light in back. I’ll be gone before you leave.’ The light in the back. The one he routinely left on because otherwise he stumbled and tripped over everything on his way out.

“Ooooh,” Anissa cooed, “Secret admirer won’t be so secret anymore.”

“Maybe.” James answered, wondering if he really wanted a who. He had until three to decide, and a glance at the clock told him what he knew- it was only six. He had hours to come to a decision.

He was coming to no decision. There were just as many reasons to do it as there were reasons not to. Pros, it could be someone he might genuinely come to like, someone that understood him. Cons, was he ready to give up on what he felt for Anissa? Was he ready to try to move on when he still found his eyes searching out her smile?

Bruno had stopped in, getting the run down and encouraging him to just go for it.

Valentina had told him that only he could make the right decision.

Hazeem had listened intently before telling James that he should turn the light out, because if he didn’t think he could give himself to someone new it may not be fair.

But none of them were really helping. Val was the closest to right, it was a decision he needed to make himself.

And as he traded loosely veiled jokes about patrons with Anissa, he wondered if he knew what to do- if he could even figure out what his gut what telling him.

Closing came far too quickly for him, and he busied himself with making sure glasses were clean as Anissa swept the floor. When she finished, he expected to hear her usual goodbye, but what she said instead was “Hope to see you soon, Jameson!”

It wasn’t the nickname that was odd. She regularly called him by any variation of James she could think of. But she usually just said she’d see him next shift. Was he being too hopeful? Reading too much into it?

The deciding time came, he only needed to lock up on his way out. But he stood there, light switch to the back room under his hand as he debated flipping it off.

He was almost blinded by the streetlights when he walked outside, locking the door as he ducked his head to see, a faint voice behind him almost went unnoticed. But he knew that voice well. “You left it on.” Turning, James saw Anissa standing there, not looking anything the confident bartender he knew, no sign of the woman he once saw grab a biker by the ear when he tried to start a fight under her watch. She stood before him now, flushed in the face as a shy smile curled her lips.

“It was you?” James felt a wave of confusion mixing with a swarm of warmth and joy. “Why didn’t you just say something?”

Her fingers fidgeted with her bag, “How could I?” She asked, laughter in her voice, “You’re too smart. You know that, right? You could be the next- I don’t know, Mary Shelley? Samuel Clemenson? I don’t know a famous romance writer- but you do, and you’ll become the next one. And I’ll just be-“

“Fist fighting men way bigger than you because they think they have a right to do whatever they want and no one will stop them?” She stopped, staring up at him with wide eyes, James smiled at her, “You could change the world, ya know. Maybe just the way you’re doing it now. One person at a time. No one acts up again when they return because they know you won’t stand for it. Kelly hasn’t been bothered by drunken flirtations since you put your foot down. Lexi hasn’t been as snippy. Even Dylan has seemed to change. That’s not because of me.”

“S-stop.” She tried to glare, “You’re making me sound better than I am.”

“I’m really not,” he laughed, “Now how about I walk you back to your flat?”

“Not yet- shit- I was supposed to- I wanted to-“

“Do you want to go to dinner with me tomorrow?” James didn’t know where this confidence came from. Maybe just because he finally knew she felt the same.

She glared again, “I was supposed to ask.” He waited, watching as she gave him a small smile, “But yes.”

“Good.” He carefully took her hand, “For now it’s the middle of the night. Let’s get you home.” But then a thought occurred to him, “Why today, by the way? Why not yesterday?”

She made a face, “And be an even bigger cliché than the letters already made me? Hard pass. The fifteenth… that feels more like us.”

He couldn’t really argue with that.

Masterlist

#litg #litg season 4 #litg James #litg James x mc #coworkers to lovers #valentines day

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buzzerbeaterbin · 1 year ago

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Like clockwork, I always manage to come down with some sort of respiratory illness every February and September ish; this time around however my body has endured some weird PMS, GI, and UO (my attempt to spare those in my circle who are not in medicine and do not have the same TMI-threshold) symptoms all month and starting Sunday I've been dealing with a feverish, achy kind of malaise with a nonexistent appetite for food or water. Not the strongest comeback after a month of an intense anxiety/adrenaline high (my second exam of the year was hell in ways I won't bore anyone with), but I am grateful for remote access to my education in the meantime 🙏 I just hope I'm able to not mess up my sleep schedule too much, considering I knocked out for hours in the early evening today and find myself writing this at 3am.

To state the obvious and expected: school has been exceedingly difficult. Not necessarily in a bad way though, at least all the time? I am constantly flipping between resentment towards the unreasonable pacing of a medical school education and feeling blessed and willing to probe about everything I learn about**; there's no shortage of academic and even existential enrichment these days, and as a kid who never took school as seriously as they probably should have, I'm holding on tightly to the opportunity to prove to myself that I can be the intellectually curious human I've always wanted to be. In short, these days have been an extension of last year - the arduous yet rewarding process of learning, period; about cells, the trajectory of an organic molecule in our livers, the phenotypical presentations of certain enzyme deficiencies, and the hardest one as of late - about how to maintain my sanity while being tested over and over again.

As I've been carrying the weight of this mental load, movement (in any form) has unfortunately been largely on the back burner. I'm hoping to never have to go a full week without at least fitting in some maintenance weight lifting, if not progressive overloading, but being sick this week might get in the way. The good news is I think I've nailed down a daily routine that I can start sticking to once I'm back in person?? I have one more true P/F exam before I'll start being tier graded (honors/high P/P/F), so the pressure is on to really figure out my strategies this time.

Godspeed to everyone working towards a time sensitive, stress inducing, energy draining or fate controlling project/goal/milestone right now - we're all in this together <3

10 things that have kept me nourished recently (I love fall):

CONCORD GRAPE SEASON YAAAAAAA (pictured above - NOT JUMBO BLUEBERRIES tho I have a soft spot for all fruits ofc)

Peanut butter chocolate chip larabars; I have adam tcharni to thank for introducing me to these

a ton of veggie-saturated japchae, porridge, and japanese curry courtesy of my mom but all very simple dishes to cook up as well if anybody needs meal inspo

finding this chocolate and miso banana bread recipe and making plans to bake it w a friend this weekend

planning a mid-autumn/chuseok potluck for this weekend to celebrate w my fellow asian american classmates! excited to gather and bool

The healthy minds (thank you ryan) and balance apps - both have built-in gameifying features that encourage a regimented approach to meditation in the same way that a lot of fitness apps do

seeing matthew's decorated spooky apt and watching season 4 of love is blind together as a mental pacifier before bed

deep cleaning/sanitizing my own apt

finding a volunteer opportunity for a trick or treat program the school hosts for the city kids

A very long but very needed talk with my brother who imparted tons of his invaluable wisdom

**Our existence is made up of long ass codes, created by strings of sugar, phosphate, and nitrogen-rich molecules. These codes are used to make proteins. But where the hell, then, does sentience come from??

#nourish #mental

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dzpenumbra · 2 years ago

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4/1/23

It fucking snowed most of the day. Yep. But it's cool, it was a nice chill don't-give-a-fuck-sit-around-and-do-fuck-all kinda day.

At least it was supposed to be...

I caught up on sleep. At least, I think I did. Mostly. I did that yoga routine I've been liking again, that was nice. Ate cereal on the floor again. I'm trying to like... sit cross-legged more often to try to fix my hips. But then I went and spent the rest of the day working on my desire path project, and I'm looking back at it like... "well, I sat there for like 20 minutes eating cereal... then I sat in my work chair for like... 4 hours straight. At least. Does that even out?"

My hips started going to shit like... a few months after I quit smoking. Part getting older, but mostly because I'm not getting up and going outside to smoke every 2 hours. I'm just sitting still for hours at a time, tunnel-visioning and losing track of time, shifting around into different positions. I get what I like to call "one-more-turn syndrome", referencing the Civilization series, where I'm like... "I can just do a little bit more before I take a break..." And that turns into another hour. And then I look at a clock and it's 10PM and I'm squirming around because I haven't peed all day and I still haven't prepped dinner!

The flip side? I crossed the finish line. I got 100 runs done. And I recorded a few runs too, so if I choose to make a video out of this project, I have some first person footage of a few runs to use. By the end of the night (i.e. about an hour ago...) I got everything exported (all 101 layers as separate .png's) and tossed it in Blender. I think the grease pencil idea will be very doable and work pretty much how I'm expecting... I'm just a bit rusty with Blender... and... I'm going to have to trace all 100 paths one-by-one.

Instead of pulling an all-nighter and doing it tonight, which I will tell you I was very tempted to do... I am planning on doing that tomorrow.

Another cool accomplishment? I don't remember if I added it on here yesterday, but I made a supersaturated salt solution yesterday that I filtered and let settle and everything. I actually found a container sitting around that might actually work for growing seed crystals in. It was a plastic container that was made to store electrical tape. It's a bit scratched up and it was pretty dusty, but I cleaned it and... hopefully... it will do the trick. We'll have to see in a few days, I guess. The reference material I'm using for this is saying 1-2 days is a good amount of time for growing starter seed crystals... then you want to put the seed crystals in a smaller container... which I... don't have... XD But... I need to go to the pharmacy to get the meds I was prescribed anyway, so I was figuring I can check there for like... any kind of small flat-bottomed container to grow crystals in. I was hoping to go today, but I was just... not really feeling walking like 2+ miles in the snow today.

So yeah, honestly... I'm pretty sure that was my whole day.

Oh... there was... yeah...

This morning, I was updating my dating profile on Hinge on my phone and opened up my photo gallery. I haven't looked through my phone's pictures in... a long fucking time. A long time. And those pictures are archived like... back to like 2013 at least. And it was... bittersweet, honestly. There were a lot of pictures of my girls, my dog and my cat, Cerry and Maxine. They both passed within the last year, Cerry in early June, Max in early February. So, that was really nice to see them again, and relive my memories with them, and also really hard. Really hard. And I saw pictures from when I was like... way more confident. And when I had friends. Pictures with my goddaughter, when I used to babysit her. Pictures from lots of different stages of my life. When I had a pink mohawk, when I had long hair, when I was trying to be a tattooist and no one would help me finish my hours because they didn't want to train their competition, when I was all scrambled and fucked up on meds. Pictures from the retreat my counseling service sent me to because I had a weed freakout and apparently that means you send them to a 2-week program at a mental institution... And timid, wanna-please-everyone abuse-victim Me goes, "yeah, they probably know what's right for me..."

Floods of memories. 10 years in a slideshow. But what was cool... I saw very clearly an explosion of creative expression. A giant boom of art that burst out of me right after I broke up with my ex. It's like the people that have been around me just... suck up all my resources... and cut me off from my creativity. Rather than... I don't know... nurture it and amplify it. And a big example of this, that I came across?

I found a picture of one of my biggest pieces I had ever made. I still don't even know what the deal with this piece was, I was just... really drawn towards this concept and I made it. The concept was taking a big piece of particle board, probably 4'x5', and simulating a brick wall. I took that popcorn ceiling stuff and coated it for a base texture, then added textured spraypaint to it in layers of red, brown, white and black... to make what ended up being a pretty fucking believable simulation of a brick wall. Then I made a paint pen out of a shoe-polish applicator, filled it with black acrylic paint and painted a silhouette of Johnny Depp as Sweeny Todd. The movie had just come out, my bandmate was a theatre nerd so he had me watch it, and the image just... called me, I guess. I still don't really get the piece, or why I made it. It just called me, who am I to question?

So, as far as substance and meaning? Fuck if I know... As far as executing what my vision was? I fucking knocked that out of the park. It was one of my greatest successes. I mean that. It's not very often that you take on a multi-media project having never worked with several of the mediums before, and the end product comes out very true to your mind's-eye vision. That shit's pretty rare, in my experience.

And the picture I found in my phone, was that piece tucked away rotting in my parents' barn with all the rest of the scrap wood that was left over when they gutted and remodeled their sunroom.

And it reminded me of when I gave my "friend" a piece that she really wanted - a piece that she still has, as far as I know - around college graduation. It was a piece I made on an oddly shaped piece of scrap wood that had a perimeter of large circular holes drilled into it. I made it into a simulated sewer drain grate, painted all the metallic textures and rust and shit, and then painted one of my graffiti designs on top of that. So it had the effect of the graffiti design, broken up by a simulated grate with black voids between the slats, and then actual voids with the holes in the wood itself. (I did a lot of graffiti-themed work at the time.) That piece? I found it sitting on the floor in the storage pile corner of her house, behind the ladder that went up to the loft where I would sleep when I stayed over. It was sitting right next to the cat's litter box.

Would you consider those... people who nurture my creativity? Would you consider those... people who support a professional artist? A friend? A family member?

I don't. I call those people who want to appear supportive, take credit for being supportive, but not actually act supportive.

And it's taken me a very, very long time to even realize that I deserve better than this. That it's not normal, it's not healthy, and I deserve better. And I'm really, really proud to finally be able to see that clearly.

I think a problem I have in those moments is like... I know what they are doing is shitty, I know it's hurtful. I feel it viscerally. But I know I can't confront them, because they are volatile and will lash out or retaliate or make me the "aggressor" or make me "wrong" or something... And rather than seeing this as a gigantic blazing neon red flag... I convince myself that I must be misreading the situation, or that I'm setting unreasonable expectations, or treat it like it's normal for them to do this, or find some way, any way, to blame myself. I've noticed that creative people tend to be pretty skilled at creative self-sabotage... go figure, right?

But lately, I've been thinking... "why don't I see others in situations like this?" I'm sure there are plenty, truly, don't get me wrong. But like... I think the majority aren't. I don't know. Anyway, I was trying to transition to a thought, let's just fast-forward there because it's getting late. XD I think most people that are self-aware and don't have self-esteem issues, or a history of systemic abuse, or a history of being frequently manipulated and pressured and bullied and blamed/punished for shit that isn't their fault... People who don't have that history... just like... walk the fuck away and go "wow, what an asshole." They take the painting back and fucking leave. They don't even call them out on it, they don't even need to. They just go "me and my art deserve better than this," and they fucking walk.

I've gotten to a place in my life where I admire the fuck out of that.

I'd like to think that talking it out is a good way of navigating things like this. I mean that. I have tried for decades to do it. But I just have to say... when you're dealing with someone has no desire to look at the situation from both perspectives? That's honestly a waste of fucking time. At a statistical level. It's praying for a nat 20 on two consecutive rolls. It is fucking rare. It's just going to be them lashing out at you until they've dug such a deep hole that they finally storm off or give up... or them finding some way to make you the bad guy... or like literally anything but see your side. And you can't make people see your side, that's changing people. They have to want to.

So yeah, kind of a tangent there I guess... but the thoughts came up and I felt it worth bringing the perspective back on the table for my own reference and for whoever else may be interested. My loyalty, forgiveness, kindness and ability to see the good in literally everyone - this year I managed to see the good in a homeless shell of a highschool "best friend" who was smoking some kind of hard drug by a river while "in rehab", who was selling her Suboxone to her ex boyfriend for money, who lost custody of her 5 kids because of her drug problems, and who was facing felony charges for fentanyl trafficking. I saw the good in her. That ability is such a rare and incredible gift. It's a beautiful thing, and it should be cherished. But it often comes at a terribly difficult cost.

But here's the good news, if you can relate to this and you're anything like me. If you're humble and open-minded and honest, getting with a good therapist that actually understands what kind of person you are, that you click with? They can teach you some very useful shit. Skills, habits, perspective, shit like that. And... it starts with loving yourself.

It starts with loving yourself.

Because if you love yourself, you won't let others be that cruel to you; and you can find skills to ethically navigate that. Because you wouldn't let others be that cruel to your partner, or your pet, or your friends. And you set boundaries. And if people cross your boundaries or aggressively negotiate to pressure down your boundaries? That's a sign to leave.

And I'm still working on that, honestly. I really am. It's shockingly difficult, after a lifetime of... not being "allowed" to have boundaries.

So yeah, I guess I just needed to get that out.

Vibe check is in full-effect, time to reset and get some good stuff out there! XD I made potato skins with a mix of pepper jack and habanero pepper jack tonight and this habanero cheese... good lord... I am falling more and more in love with habaneros with every meal I make. I'm tempted to try to grow hot peppers indoors, if that's at all feasible without like... a crazy grow rig or some shit. I'm gonna look into it. I'd like to grow jalapenos, habaneros and ghost peppers.

Crap it got late again! XD Goodnight!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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chrisbitchtree · 2 years ago

Text

The One with Big Bad Billy

Harringrove Harvest Day 7

Prompt - Erica Sinclair’s Pillowcase of Candy

G - 900 words

***

For all the things that Steve could say he loved about the party, he hated that they were giant gossips just as much. One would tell another something, and within minutes, it felt like half the town knew. There were recent developments in Steve’s life that he’d debated telling Dustin about, but he’d held off for exactly that reason. They would all try to deny it, but the proof was in the pudding.

That exact night was a perfect example. It was Halloween night, and Steve was in the bathroom of his small apartment, trying to fluff up his hair after a long day at work, with more than a little help from his Farrah Fawcett spray, when his phone rang. He ignored it, feeling like he was finally on the verge of getting his bangs to do what he wanted, but it wasn’t even seconds before it started ringing again.

He slammed the cannister down on the counter and stomped out to the living room, grabbing the phone off the hook. “Hello?” he answered, not even trying to hide the exasperation in his tone.

“Steve!” Dustin cried into the phone. “Billy Hargrove’s gone soft!”

“Oh really? And how would you happen to know that?” Steve asked. Dustin had a tendency to stretch the length of his stories out, so Steve took a seat on the overstuffed chair next to the phone, twirling the cord around his fingers as he listened.

“Well, Mike just called and told me that El told him that Lucas told her that Erica’s candy was stolen while she was trick or treating with her friends. Billy came out of nowhere and tried to chase the assholes, but he couldn’t keep up and they got away. A half hour later, Billy came knocking on the Sinclair’s door with a huge shopping bag full of candy. Lucas is pretty sure that Billy cleaned Melvad’s out of everything they had left!”

“Well, that sounds really nice of him!” Steve replied, a smile small on his face. As per usual, Max was the only one that wasn’t named. She was the only one he could trust not to blab everything and anything to everyone within a fifty-mile radius.

Billy had been mostly unseen in the time since his miraculous rescue from the Upside Down and his slow recovery, lying low in the trailer where he resided with Max and Susan since his release from the hospital in late February. When he was seen out and about, he was quiet and withdrawn, a shadow of the loud, brash boy he used to be. It was nice to hear of him interacting with people again, even if it was for such an unfortunate reason.

“Sure,” Dustin said, chewing on something so loudly as he talked that Steve had to lift the receiver away from his ear. “It seems nice, but that’s not Billy. He’s a jerk! What if he’s possessed again! What if the mindflayer is back? We need to warn Max! I’m gonna let you go. You go to the trailer and talk to Max but bring your bat in case Billy’s there. I’ll go rally everyone else, and we can meet at the Byers in 30 minutes!”

“Wait!” Steve said, straining to be heard over Dustin’s babbling. “Calm down for a second, Dustin. Come on, we don’t want to scare everyone. This is the plan. You go stuff your face with more candy and watch a scary movie or something, and I’ll go take a drive over to Max’s house. If everything seems ok, I’ll let you know, and you’ll forget about this. If I feel like I need backup, I’ll call you on the walkie. Deal?”

“Ok,” Dustin sighed. “But promise you’ll let me know the second something suspicious comes up.”

***

Steve went and fixed his bangs, getting them just how he wanted them, then he picked up the phone, figuring that he’d better make a call.

“Hello? Steve?” Max answered when Susan handed her the phone.

“Hey Max,” Steve said, chuckling at her confusion. “I just wanted to let you know that you might get a call from Dustin saying that your brother’s possessed…”

“Already received and ignored.” She confirmed.

“Alright then, if he asks, I came to check on you. Thanks, Max! Have a goodnight!”

“You too!” She replied. Steve could already hear a candy bar wrapper being opened as he hung up the call.

***

Minutes later, there was a knock at Steve’s door, and he runs to answer it, not wanting to leave his visitor out in the cold.

“Hey, baby,” he greets his guest, pulling Billy in the door by the front of his jean jacket.

“Hey, pretty boy,” Billy returns the greeting, pressing a kiss to Steve’s lips as soon as the door is shut and locked behind him.

“Heard a rumour about you,” Steve mutters against Billy’s neck, where he’s pressing more kisses.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Billy asks, wrapping his arms around Steve.

“Dustin told me that Mike told him that El told him that Lucas told her that you’re out chasing candynappers and buying little girls Halloween treats. They say you’ve soft. Also said you might be possessed again, but I’m not gonna believe that one.”

“ ‘M not soft,” Billy grouses. “I’m still a big tough meanie. But even big tough meanies can’t watch a candynapper and not try to help. I’m not a monster.”

“Sure, sure,” Steve smiles. “My boyfriend is a big tough meanie. I’m so scared of your marshmallow core.”

#harringroveweek #harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #billy x steve #harringrove harvest #chrisbitchtree writes

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raibebe · 4 years ago

Text

Love Is On Air

Genre: fluff & smut Words: 8.722 Prompt: radio host Johnny x secret admirer female reader Warnings: soft dom Johnny, oral (f receiving), safe sex, dirty talk

A/N: Finally: My entry for the February event of my lovely network @neosmutcollective. This is totally not the fic I planned on writing. In fact this was started way later after I realized I was never going to finish my original fic on time. Not that this one is on time... Special thanks to everyone who sent our lovely DJs some music recommendations @sly-merlin, @moonctzeny, @lenaluvs, @lucas-wongs, @burtonized and to @ncteaxhoe who helped me figure out this idea. I hope you enjoy this even though it’s wayyy too late.

You hurried home to your apartment after your last class of the day that was horrifically late because of whoever had fucked up your schedule this semester. Panting heavily, you busted into your room and threw your jacket and backpack somewhere onto your couch, diving straight for your laptop that was perched on your desk. Cursing the old thing, you waited for agonizing minutes until it had booted up and your browser was open. You quickly opened the familiar page of your university’s campus radio just in time to hear the familiar voice saying: “Hi I’m John-D, welcome to NCT Night Night.” After that both hosts chuckled lowly before Jaehyun spoke: “Tonight we’ll read some of the letters you wrote us over the week again and we will try our best to help you out with whatever problems you throw our way.” “Exactly. Right after we play this song that was suggested by evangelie_99 over on our Twitter, it’s Pluto Projector by Rex Orange County and she said that she loves our show. We’re glad you like it so much, darling. This one is for you,” Johnny softly said before the soft tunes of the song filled your little one-room apartment.

Sighing, you leaned back in your chair, carelessly toeing your shoes off. Listening to NCT Night Night was your escape at night from the stress that classes brought you. The two DJs that were on air every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday were your favorites though. Not only did they have great chemistry but they both could be incredibly funny as well as soothe all your nerves with their calming voices – especially Johnny or John-D as he was called on their show. You might have developed a slightly embarrassing crush on the fratboy with a heart as sweet as his voice from what you knew about him from his radio shows and your shared classes. Since they had started their weekly segment where they would read out letters that students could send them, you had gathered the courage to send Johnny little messages about how you were crushing on him and it had quickly become a running gag on the show. Jaehyun would tease Johnny about it every week while Johnny kept insisting that his secret admirer should just talk to him. But how could you do that? Johnny was everything one could want in a boyfriend. Not only was he ridiculously tall and devastatingly handsome but he was also smart, always seemingly staying on top of his classes and he also went to the gym regularly if his thirst traps on his Instagram stories were anything to go by. When he wasn’t giving out advice in a gentle voice on their radio program, he was out partying with his frat brothers on the weekends more often than not complaining about headaches on their Sunday show. How could you just walk up to him and talk to him? Right. You couldn’t. So you had to resign to sending him anonymous love letters through his radio show.

“Welcome back, hi,” Johnny chuckled once the song had gently faded out and you couldn’t help but giggle along. “That was Pluto Projector by Rex Orange County,” Jaehyun tried to stay on script but you could almost hear the grin on his face because of Johnny’s antics, “If you want your song to play on today’s show, please suggest something over on our Twitter with the hashtag,” Jaehyun paused momentarily and let out a dramatic sigh before continuing, “hashtag JohnDplaymelikeaviolin.” Jaehyun hadn’t even read the whole hashtag out loud when Johnny was already bursting out in laughter and how could you not laugh along with his melodic laughter. “I swear to god I am never letting you choose hashtags for our show ever again,” Jaehyun groaned while Johnny sounded like he was still dying in the background. “Don’t be mean to me Jaehyunie,” he whined and even though today’s episode was not viewable, you could vividly imagine how he was pouting. While the two friends were busy bickering and talking about what they had done since their last show, you pulled up your own Twitter to send a recommendation in.

“Aaaah, I see we’re already getting plenty of suggestions. Sly-merlin suggested us Sexy Dirty Love by Demi Lovato – a great song – and added ‘I wish John-D would actually play me like a violin.” After a potent silence, Johnny broke out in laughter again. “And this is why you won’t choose any more hashtags,” Jaehyun groaned again. “Baby,” Johnny rasped into his mic and even though you weren’t wearing headphones, it sent tingles down your spine, “Just come to our frat party on Friday and I’ll see what I can do.” “Stop plugging our parties on the radio,” Jaehyun scolded the elder, the slap audible over the radio, “Also sly-merlin has to stand in line. You still have your number one admirer who has sent in a letter yet again.” “She still hasn’t come up to me,” Johnny shared, “I can only keep up my chastity for so long. I am saving myself for this girl.” You know he was joking but you were just a simple woman and even in your secluded home, you felt heat rising to your cheeks, your thumbs stopping on your keyboard where you had typed out your song recommendation. Both DJs shared a quiet laugh before Jaehyun asked: “And you really don’t know who she is?” “I really don’t man,” his friend sighed, “Like I have my suspicions because she has to be in my major if she sees me in class that often. That or she’s a stalker which I do not want to think about. But for real, hit me up. I’ll take you out for a coffee.” “Now everyone is going to come up to you and claim that they’re her.” “I’ll take that risk,” Johnny laughed, “Maybe I’ll finally meet the love of my life and settle down.” At that Jaehyun snorted loudly. “The woman that can make you settle down gets free coffee for like a month from me.” “Watch me have a wife and kids at 25 Jae, just to spite you,” his friend snorted, “But up until then, let’s play sly-merlin’s song recommendation: Sexy Dirty Love by Demi Lovato.”

While the song was playing, you finished up your own tweet and hit post before you grabbed your bag that you had carelessly thrown away before to get out your notes. You actually had to start a project for one of the classes you and Johnny actually did share. The professor had announced that he would announce the pairings for a group project tomorrow and you didn’t want to seem like an actual idiot if your group would decide to already meet up and discuss after class. So while you listened to your favorite DJs discuss the questions and worries of whoever had sent them to their email address, you worked through the notes you had taken over the last couple of weeks, trying your best to organize them to remember the key points.

“Oh John-D, I have a very special letter here,” Jaehyun said, waving the paper in front of the microphone so it would pick up the wiggling noises. “What could that be?” Johnny asked with over-exaggerated interest. “It’s from your secret admirer, John-D. So I think you should read it out.” Just like every time, they read your letter, your heart began beating faster and faster in your chest until you were sure, it would break free from your ribcage. “Okay, here I go,” Johnny announced while Jaehyun was playing the same cheesy music he always played when they were reading your letters, “Happy Thursday, John-D. The weekend is almost in reach, keep up the energy for the last day of classes! – she’s so sweet, I’m holding up alright – One of my professors will announce the pairings he made for a group project soon and I am nervous. I don’t have many friends in the course and I’m praying that I will get good group mates I can work well with.” “Oooh, I get that struggle,” Jaehyun interrupted, “I once had to work with a bunch of stoners and ended up doing all the work for a presentation that made up 30 percent of my grade. Worst experience of my life, would not recommend. But we’re wishing you all the luck.” “But you know what’s more interesting about this story?” Johnny tuned in, “Coincidentally my professor for my literature class is assigning our group projects tomorrow as well. Say, my sweet admirer, are you perhaps in the same literature class as me?” In your otherwise silent room, the panicked squeak you let out was loud even to your ears. There was no way Johnny could figure out who you were, there were probably at least 20 more girls with a crush on him in that class alone, so you were safe. “Oooh, so maybe she’s a lit major so that’s why she’s writing love letters.” “Could be but lots of people from different majors are taking that class,” Johnny argued, “Anyways, back to her letter. But I won’t let that disturb me! I will be doing my best regardless! – That’s the spirit – I’ll work through my notes as I listen to your honey voice so I can be prepared. I’m glad you don’t do viewable radios on Thursday’s or else I wouldn’t be able to get anything done, you’re just too distracting John-D,” at that Jaehyun let out a fake gag while Johnny just giggled softly, “Thank you secret admirer, I do clean up quite nicely if I do say so myself. – On last Sunday’s episode you melted my heart when you hid in your hoodie for half the show. – God that was the worst hangover I had in a looong while, I was so miserable.”

“You should have seen him at home,” Jaehyun laughed, “I had to physically drag his whole 180-something-centimeters body first into the shower, then into the car and into the station. He is the biggest crybaby when he’s hungover.” “Don’t expose me like that, Jaehyunie,” Johnny whined loudly, “I was dared to drink a bunch of tequila and my mother didn’t raise neither a quitter nor a coward.” “No, but clearly an idiot,” the younger DJ laughed his deep laugh. “Let me read my love letter in peace,” the other grumbled, “I couldn’t follow for half the show because I was so focused on watching you. Not in a creepy way of course! – Of course not,” Johnny chuckled, “I hope you finished that essay you had to work on after the show in time and still had some time to relax. – I did, don’t worry.” That you already knew when Johnny had handed in his essay in another class you two shared just before you had handed in yours and he had thrown you a little smile that had kept you going through the whole day. “Take care of yourself and keep smiling your beautiful smile, I look forward to seeing you again on Sunday or in classes. And fighting to Jae-D as well of course! – I look forward to hearing from you again, secret admirer. I bet your group project will go just fine, don’t worry too much. If anyone is mean to you, just expose them here and we’ll fight them for you.” “Love that she acknowledged me in one sentence as well,” Jaehyun grumbled, cutting off the cheesy music abruptly. “You’re just jealous you don’t have a sweet admirer who sends you cute messages,” the other teased his friend. “Yeah, yeah, shut up and put that letter in the box under your bed.” “It’s in my sock drawer, thank you very much.”

Giggling, you listened to the two friends bicker, your chest warm with a feeling you were scared to put a name on. “Anyways, I think it’s time for another music recommendation you can still send in via our lovely hashtag JohnDplaymelikeaviolin. This one is from lenaluvies and she says: Please play Hurts So Good by Astrid S thank you. No, thank you for sending something in darling. This one’s for you,” Johnny announced and you couldn’t help but laugh a little pained laugh. That song title hit a little too close to home for your liking. The rest of the radio show went by smoothly and Johnny and Jaehyun tried to help a handful of more students with their problems that couldn’t be more diverse. From a boy who had fallen in love with his best friend which had send him into an identity crisis over to a girl who was failing her classes because she claimed the professor hated her to a freshman who wanted to apply for a fraternity but was scared because of the rumors surrounding them which the DJs quickly debunked since they both were in the same fraternity. In the end they had to cut themselves short, asking their viewers to vote on a poll they would make if people wanted a whole Tuesday episode surrounding fraternities.

“So.” “So,” Johnny copied his friend. “We’re almost at the end of our time with you guys. We couldn’t get through all of your submissions but we hope our team picked a few good ones and at least some of you could get some advice.” “As always you’re free to send us your own stories to our e-mail [email protected] to get some advice next Thursday from your favorite DJs: John-D.” “And Jae-D. Every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday on your campus radio on 127mHz. On NCT-“ “Night Night,” they said their ending together and just like every night with them, you said goodnight to your computer screen, closing the tab which draped your little apartment in silence. Sighing loudly, you looked over your notes that needed a little more work if you wanted to make a good first impression on your fellow students tomorrow. Because you couldn’t stand the silence, you opened your Spotify to play the NCT Night Night playlist Johnny and Jaehyun had made with the songs that had been recommended to them, still missing the new additions from tonight.

The next morning found you in your literature class, sitting two rows behind Johnny, staring at the back of his head while doodling on your paper rather than taking notes on whatever the professor was saying. If you were to let your eyes wander, you’d see that almost everyone in the big room was paying as much or even less attention as you were; the students in different states of excitement and anxiety over the group projects he had yet to announce. “I’m sorry professor,” Johnny’s voice suddenly cut through the room, “I’m sure you have already noticed that no one is paying attention to whatever you’re trying to teach us right now. Could you please just announce the groups for the project?” That moment you swore you would be able to hear a pin drop until your eccentric professor chuckled lowly. “I like you, Suh. I was waiting for someone to mention it,” he spoke, getting the dreaded list out of his bag, “Listen closely now, you’ll be assigned in groups of four and each group will get a specific novel to work on. Deadline will be by the end of the semester and your individual paper combined with the group presentation will make up 40% of your final grade.” That made a bunch of people, including you, gasp out loudly. A group project with this much credit to your final grade was always dreaded. “I don’t want to hear any complaints, that’s how it’s always been. Now listen carefully, I won’t repeat myself but the list will be hung on our blackboard as well.” With that being said, the professor began listing names and novels in the most monotone voice he could muster. To say you were basically vibrating off of your seat was an understatement when he got further and further down the list and neither yours nor Johnny’s name had been called yet. “And lastly, an all-time favorite: Romeo and Juliet.” You didn’t even register anything else after the professor had announced that the group featured both Johnny and you along with two other students you didn’t know. Your brain was reduced to static noise while everyone else was getting up around you to pick up the books that had already been stacked in a corner, probably by a poor TA. Only when a person bumped into you, you broke from your stupor to quickly pick up your stuff as well to hurry down to steps to where a crowd of students had already gathered.

Luckily Johnny towered over most of the other students and you could easily spot him and the rest of your group that were two other boys you didn’t recognize. “Hey, you’re the last one we were missing,” Johnny smiled and handed you over your copy of the book. “Y... Yeah, sorry for making you wait,” you stuttered, clutching the small book tightly in your hands. “No big deal,” Johnny played it off, “Do any of you have any more classes today?” When everyone declined, you all agreed that you should get a head start on your project as it would be hard to make a good project out of such an overused love story. While walking over to the student center to decide on a concept, conversation flowed easily between the four of you even though you were still really nervous to be around Johnny. God, you really hoped he didn’t think you were stupid or something just because you were nervous.

The little study session went by in a blur and only further confirmed that you were so whipped for Johnny it wasn’t even funny anymore. You found yourself attentively listening to all of his ideas and laughing at every of his stupid little jokes and only mildly spacing out while looking at Johnny when the others were discussing ideas which had led to one or two mildly embarrassing situations where you would lose track of what you were actually discussing, your mind blank of any input when they asked for your opinion.

Soon you found yourself parting ways with your groupmates, leaving you and Johnny alone because his frat house and your little apartment were located in the same general direction. “Anything fun you’re doing this evening?” Johnny asked, trying to make some light conversation to fill the silence. “No, I’ll just binge watch some shows maybe or listen to the campus radio,” you shrugged it off. While today’s show wasn’t your favorite, you quite liked the DJs soft and gentle voice. “You listen to the campus radio? I have a show on there,” Johnny smiled. “I like listening to you and Jaehyun,” you confessed, trying to fight the heat that was licking at your cheeks. “Oh.” “You seem surprised.” “Yeah, it kind of still seems weird that people enjoy listening to Jae and me rambling for hours on end. You know with him it just feels like I’m hanging out with my brother rather than work.” “Your voices are really soothing, you know,” you tried to explain what you were feeling when listing to them, “And your friendship is kind of adorable. Like we can feel how much you care about each other and you always genuinely try to help your listeners without making fun of them.” For a while Johnny didn’t say anything and you thought you had fucked it up, that he thought you were weird now. “Thank you,” he suddenly said. “Huh?” “It means a lot hearing that. We do lurk on Twitter to see what people think of our show but hearing it like this is something else entirely.” “It’s nothing,” you mused, playfully hitting his arm, “No need to get this soft.” “Hey,” he laughed, “I’ll have you know that I am 180 centimeters of walking softness despite what people might say about me.” Smiling softly you caught his eyes for the first time since you two had started walking and the way his honey eyes were smiling back at you momentarily took your breath away.

“I- My room is right around here, sooooo,” you stuttered. “It was nice working with you. Even though you were spacing out half the time,” Johnny teased, “Thinking about a special someone?” You. The word sat on the tip of your tongue, the low light of the afternoon sun making you bolder than you actually were and Johnny just made you feel incredibly comfortable. “No... No- I- I’m single.” “A crush then?” “Something like that,” you mumbled, your fingers nervously playing with the hem of your jacket. “Talk to him. Or her. Or them,” Johnny advised. “I really can’t,” you sighed, “He doesn’t even know I exist.” “Well you don’t need to confess your undying love for him,” he laughed, not knowing he was the boy in question, “Just you know. Casually talk to him. Get to know him.” “I’ll try?” “Is that a question?” “Yeah?” “Have more confidence in yourself,” he gently nudged you, “You’re nice and very easy to talk to.” “Nice... Wow.” “Shut up,” he laughed, “I usually give better compliments but I have yet to get to know you better.” “Would you... Would you even want that?” “Sure,” Johnny shrugged and your heart skipped a couple of beats, “I have to get going or everybody will already be drunk when I arrive. So... I’ll see you in class? And you’ll hear me on Sunday?” “Yeah sure. Don’t drink too much or you will be miserable all show like last week,” you giggled. “Don’t remind me,” he groaned, “I’m never going to drink tequila on a Saturday ever again.” “Goodbye Johnny,” you smiled, really liking how his name sounded when you said it out loud. “Bye,” he waved before going his way.

Once you were sure he was out of hearing distance, you let out a little happy squeak and jumped up and down excitedly. You did it. You had actually done it. You had talked to your crush. And managed to not make a complete fool out of yourself in front of him. Which was a win in your books. A huge win. With a little spring in your steps, you stepped by one of your favorite pizza places to treat yourself before heading home where you spend your evening daydreaming about none other than Johnny while watching reruns of old dramas.

“Hi, I’m Jae-D.” “And I am John-D. Welcome to NCT-“ “Night Night.” “John-D.” “Yes, Jae-D,” Johnny chuckled. “It’s Thursday again which means it’s time to tend to our listener’s worries,” Jaehyun read off of the script, not getting distracted by his friend’s antics, “And today is a very special episode.” “Special?” Jaehyun barely repressed to roll his eyes at his friend’s over-exaggerated acting before continuing: “Yes, since tomorrow is a day off for all students, we have decided to make this episode extra lengthy and-“ he shortly stopped to flash the camera a peace sign, “Viewable despite it being Thursday.” “Do we look okay?” Johnny laughed, checking himself out in the video that was playing on one of their monitors. “Aaaaah, the comments say we look good tonight, thank you,” Jaehyun mused.

And they really did. Not that either of them had to do a whole lot to look good but today they were both wearing white button-downs with their sleeves rolled up to expose their forearms. Jaehyun had even gone so far as to put on some fake glasses. “And if you’re following us on our Twitter you also already know that this week it’s all about love on our campus radio and our show today is no exception,” Johnny read his part of the script. “Today John-D and Jae-D are Loveholics, trying our very best to help you with your problems surrounding love,” Jaehyun completed, “You can send in song recommendations through the hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic just like taryn1026 did – I hope I said that right – but they recommended Paris in the Rain by Lauv to set the mood for today.”

The soft tunes of the song made you relax a little into your sofa where you had chosen to watch today’s episode of NCT Night Night. You had to say that you were kind of nervous for today’s episode. Just like every week you had written your letter to Johnny, telling him about your week and cheering him on for your group project. At this point it should have been pretty obvious just who exactly you were and judging by how Johnny was acting towards you, his flirting leaving you flustered after your study sessions and your group mates mildly annoyed, he seemed to already have put together the pieces. But yesterday while writing your letter you had felt extra bold (and maybe also extra riled up and horny from Johnny’s shameless flirting) and had written him a message that should confirm all his suspicions and would hopefully lead him straight to you and into your bed. But until the end of the show or at least until they read your letter, which you really hoped they did today as well, you had to wait sitting in your apartment, for once not in comfortable clothes but in a nice shirt and pants.

“That was Paris in the Rain by Lauv, recommended to us by taryn1026 through our Twitter with the hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic,” Johnny’s raspy voice filled your apartment when he leaned close to the mic, “Jae-D are you ready to make some love happen?” “I already had my love juice,” Jaehyun answered, showing his pink Starbucks drink to the camera, “And my reading glasses are on.” As to prove his point, he hiked his glasses up his nose before scratching his eye through the holes in the frame, making both DJs chuckle. For the next hour Johnny and Jaehyun tried to solve several relationship dramas as well as a very tricky friends-with-benefits situation and telling a boy to break up with his cheating girlfriend which had been a rather heartbreaking discussion. “So after this,” Jaehyun sighed, “Let’s play another song recommendation. Burtonized has sent in a very fitting song, I hope you all don’t mind a little Korean: It’s God Damn by I.M – a song about heartbreak.”

While the foreign song was playing, the two DJs stretched their backs and sipped on their respective drinks: Jaehyun still on his pink sugar concoction and Johnny already on his second iced Americano. Jaehyun must have found something funny on his phone, nudging his friend to look at him but Johnny was busy typing away on his own, only acknowledging his friend after he had typed his message. Just after that, your own phone buzzed with a message, showing Johnny’s name on the screen.

From: Johnny Are you watching our show?

To: Johnny Sure, you look good today

From: Johnny Make sure to listen closely ;)

“That was God Damn by I.M suggested by burtonized over our Twitter hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic,” Jaehyun’s smooth voice tore you from your spiraling thoughts about the winking face Johnny had sent. “Sadly our show is coming to an end even with our extended airtime.” “But John-D a very important letter is still missing before we close our show. Dare I say it could be the highlight of our show,” Jaehyun joked, already playing the cheesy music he was always playing when Johnny would read your letters. “You’re right Jae-D my lovely secret admirer has sent in another letter,” Johnny mused, arranging himself so he could read the printed out letter while being as close as possible to the mic for it to pick up the rasp in his voice, “Happy Thursday John-D, I hope your week has been more exciting than mine. I have just been going from class to class without much thought, the only high points are my group meetings for the group project we have to hand in soon – That seems very familiar, baby – But since today is all about love, I’ll tell you about a little problem I have: – get your love juice ready, Jae – There is this boy in my group. And boy isn’t really the right word to describe him, he’s a man really,” at that Johnny couldn’t hold back a low chuckle, “I’m sorry, I’ll be serious – And he is flirting with me. Has been for a couple of weeks now. And it has gotten to the point where our groupmates are kind of annoyed at us. He has also walked me home a couple of times but he never so much as touched me. At this point I am so frustrated with him. Is he just playing with me? Or is his mouth bigger than his actions actually are? He has been riling me up all day today and I was ready to let him have his way with me but he only wished me goodnight and left again, leaving me to deal with what he had done all by myself – oh wow, I,” Johnny stuttered, sharing a gaze with his friend who was only barely repressing his laughter, “Wow, okay, I hope we’re in the good for reading this out and it’s late enough,” clearing his voice and raking a hand through his hair, Johnny continued, “John-D I hope this man hears what he has done to me and will deal with the consequences of his actions. Would you play Animal by Jin Yosef and RIELL for me? Just in case this letter hasn’t gotten my point across? – Y... Yeah sure, darling. We’ll play that once our show is over.”

“So John-D,” Jaehyun grinned while loudly slurping on his ‘love juice’, “What would you advice your secret admirer to do about this problem?” “Well if I were her,” Johnny started, his gaze going straight to the camera where he knew you were watching and it felt like he was looking straight into your soul, “I’d wait for him. I’m pretty sure he can prove that his actions speak even louder than his words.” For a while it was quiet between the two DJs, safe for Jaehyun’s obnoxiously loud slurping noises but even if they would have been saying anything, you weren’t sure if you could have comprehended any words with how furiously your heart was beating. “Anyways,” Jaehyun eventually broke the silence once he was sure there was nothing left in his ‘love juice’, “I’m afraid that was it for tonight. This has been your extra lengthy episode of Jae-D and John-D and we will leave you with this wonderful song recommendation: Animal by Jin Yosef and RIELL. If you’ve liked today’s show, we’re here every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday night on your campus radio on 127mHz to listen to all of your worries on NCT-“ “Night Night,” Johnny joined in and they both waved into the camera as your song of choice started playing. The video stream didn’t cut off immediately, showing the boys gathering their things and if your eyes weren’t betraying you, you swore you saw Johnny tense up when the song turned a little more explicit. The two DJs waved to the camera one last time before the stream cut off, leaving the screen of your laptop dark.

That was when it dawned on you what you had done. Shit. With how Johnny had sounded, you probably had about fifteen to twenty minutes until he would be at your doorstep. Oh god. Shit. Taking a couple of deep breaths, you tried to ground yourself before hurriedly closing your laptop and cleaning everything that seemed messy in your little one-room apartment. That was until you heard a knock on your door.

With shaky hands, you slowly opened the door and while you knew who would be standing on the other side, you weren’t ready for how he was going to look like: Johnny was leaning against the doorway casually with his arms crossed over his chest so the tight button-down he was wearing would strain over the planes of his chest muscles but what really reeled you in was how dark his eyes looked when he raked them over your body. “Good evening miss,” he drawled. “Hi,” you breathed. “Tell me what you want so I’m not misinterpreting any of this,” Johnny all but growled, one of his hands coming up to cup your face. “I want you to have me.” If you thought his eyes were dark before, they turned into bottomless black orbs once the words had left your lips. “You don’t know what you’re asking for, baby.” “Please,” you whimpered and that seemed to break Johnny’s resolve as he pulled you close to him and all but crashed his lips into yours. The kiss wasn’t delicate in any way, shape or form with how Johnny was licking into your mouth the second a moan left your lips. His tongue was intertwining with yours messily and in no time both of you were panting into each other’s mouths. “Inside. Now,” you rasped. “All with due time,” Johnny chuckled but let you pull him into your apartment, slamming the door shut to crowd you against it, one of his strong thighs slipping between your legs like it belonged there, “If you’re a good girl and listen well, I’ll give you anything you want.” “Fuck,” you cursed before slamming your lips together again, a new neediness bleeding into the kiss as you tugged on the longer strands of hair at the back of Johnny’s neck which made him growl lowly. “Anything off-limits?” Johnny breathed into your skin as he kissed down your neck to suck a mark there while his hands were busy pulling your shirt from your pants so he could rake them over your naked skin. “Just,” you had to cut yourself off with a moan, “Don’t be mean to me.” “Never,” he promised, “You’ll be my pillow princess.” His sweet words were in stark contrast to how hard his hands were gripping your hips and how his teeth were grazing over your neck that must be littered with marks already. “Take me to bed,” you heaved breathlessly, positive your legs would give out if it wasn’t for Johnny holding you up.

Listening to your demand, he slowly started walking you backwards towards your bed until the two of you were toppling down on top of the covers, his lips never leaving your skin. Whoever had spread the rumors about Johnny being a great lover had been absolutely right, he knew just how to touch you to have you gasping for air and judging by the grin on his lips he hadn’t even started yet. “Please,” you whimpered, arching into his touch, not exactly sure what exactly you were asking for but Johnny seemed to know all the better when he freed you from your top and pants to leave you in your matching lace set while he was still fully clothed in his by now wrinkled button-up and pants. “All for me?” He chuckled and pressed a kiss right between the valley of your breasts, his big hands cupping the soft flesh to squeeze it gently. “Have me,” you gasped out and you could feel the growl he let out vibrating where you were pressed together. “I’m going to ruin you,” Johnny promised, pulling down the cups of your bra to wrap his plush lips around one of your nipples to tease the soft nub until it hardened under his ministrations, sending waves of pleasure down your spine and straight to your core where you could feel your wetness starting to seep into the fabric of your panties. “Johnny,” you mewled and arched into his every touch, his calloused fingertips setting your skin alight when he let them travel down your body to tease over your lower stomach. As if by reflex, you let your thighs fall open for him to finally touch you where you needed him the most. “Such a good girl,” he smiled, blowing cold air over your spit-slicked nipple to watch you squirm beneath him. Your remark got stuck in your throat when he finally cupped you through your panties, feeling how damp the fabric had already become. “Naughty,” he chuckled, his eyes never leaving your face as he circled your clit through the fabric, watching your eyes fluttering shut when his gaze became too intense.

“Johnny,” you sighed, forgetting all other words except for his name. “Relax, princess,” he rasped and kissed his way down your body, leaving love bites on the sensitive skin of your stomach and thighs that shook with anticipation. If you’d say you hadn’t dreamed about his lips on you like this, you would lie and you weren’t going to miss the sight of this for nothing. Fighting back the fog that had started to cloud your mind, you forced your eyes open to look down to where he had settled between your open thighs to find him staring right back at you. “Good girl,” he praised you again before pressing a kiss over your clothed sex that made your head fall back already, the anticipation of what was to come making you push up your hips which made Johnny chuckle lowly. He didn’t leave you any time to feel embarrassed by how needy you were when he hooked your panties to the side unceremoniously and licked a broad stripe up your center, tasting your arousal. “Oh fuck,” you breathed out, your hands flying down to tangle them in the long strands of his hair. Johnny worked his tongue in slow and clever strokes, leaving your mind reeling with pleasure and taking his time to take you apart piece by piece, not even paying attention to your leaking center or your aching clit. But when he did wrap his lips around your clit to gently suck on the nub, your mind almost went numb with how intense his touch was, your thighs clamping shut around him. To make it even worse, he started humming around you while prying your thighs back open, holding you down with his large hands. You felt your orgasm approach almost embarrassingly fast now that he was altering between teasing your clit with his tongue, lips and even his teeth and fucking your velvety walls with his tongue, setting your nerve endings on fire. “Johnny I’m close,” you warned him but instead of slowing down, he stretched his jaw wide to press his tongue further into you, his nose bumping into your clit in the process and with the combined sensation and his doubled effort, it took no time for your first orgasm of the night to wash over you, a scream of his name leaving your lips as you shook through it, your mind going equally as numb as your legs.

When you came back to it, Johnny had straightened up between your legs and he was grinning down at you while he was unbuttoning his shirt, his face still shiny with your arousal. “That was the first one,” he spoke darkly. “Come here,” you whined, making grabby hands for him until he took pity on you and covered your body with his before connecting your lips in a bruising kiss. You could still taste yourself on his lips but that somehow just made it even hotter.

“Want you inside me,” you panted against his lips when Johnny broke the kiss in favor of raking his teeth over your racing pulse. “Yeah?” He rasped and ground his hips down into yours, making you feel him strain against the fabric of his pants. “Need it,” you moaned at the sweet friction. “Think you can take me?” He laughed as he leaned back on his hunches to pop open the button of his pants, pulling down the zipper agonizingly slow. With wide eyes you watched him push his pants down his narrow hips, leaving him in just his navy boxers that showed the sizable imprint of his hard cock, the fabric against the head dark from where he had leaked precum. Chuckling, he stroked over the outline and just the sight alone made your mouth water. “Show me,” you breathed, spreading your thighs so he could see your needy core, clenching around nothing. “Hmm,” he hummed, dragging one of his fingers that wasn’t preoccupied with teasing himself through the mess of arousal and his saliva between your legs, only barely dipping it into you to feel the muscles trying to suck him inside. “Don’t tease me,” you whined high in your throat. “But I like seeing you squirm,” Johnny grinned but took mercy on you and sunk his finger into you up to the knuckle, gently pumping it inside you. Still sensitive from how intense your last orgasm had been, you were torn between pulling away and wanting more but Johnny made the decision for you when he pulled his finger out, wiping your arousal onto your thigh.

“Eyes on me,” he commanded and finally freed his cock from his briefs. “Fuck.” The curse left your lips without even noticing at the sight of his flushed cock, too heavy to properly stand up against his toned abs. The tip was tinted red and shiny with precum that Johnny generously spread down that whole length, his eyes not leaving yours as you watched him lazily jerk himself. “Like what you see?” You eagerly nodded your head. “Want it inside me.” “Yeah? Show me.”

Throwing all caution out of the window, you quickly sucked two of your fingers between your lips before guiding them to your weeping core to slip them inside you, letting out an over-exaggerated moan as you crooked them. “Oh you’re so naughty, baby,” Johnny groaned, squeezing the base of his cock tightly as he watched you fingering yourself and if you had even one coherent thought left in your head, you’d have the decency to be embarrassed because of how intensely he was staring. “It’s not enough,” you pouted, pulling your fingers free and spreading them to look at the slick covering them, “I’m so wet for you.” “Such a dirty mouth,” he groaned, quickly grabbing his pants to fish a condom from his wallet to roll over his hard length. “Please, Johnny,” you hiccupped, winding your legs around his waist to pull him closer to you. “Sssh, princess,” he soothed you, running his hands over your torso before bending down to press tender kisses to your stomach, “I’ll take care of you.” “Please kiss me.”

Dropping his elbows next to your head to support his weight, he covered your body with his and caught your lips in a kiss much too tender for your current situation, taking his time to explore your mouth until you were perfectly pliant beneath him. “Tell me if it hurts,” he whispered into the small space between you while he snaked a hand between your bodies to guide his cock to your core. When the head slipped in without much resistance, both of you let out twin moans of pleasure. Painstakingly slowly Johnny pushed inside you, centimeter by centimeter until his hips were flush to yours. “Breathe, princess,” he reminded you because you indeed had held your breath and had buried your nails in his biceps. “Shit, you’re big,” you cursed. “So I’ve been told,” Johnny chuckled and peppered your face and neck with little kisses while he slowly ground his hips so you could get used to him inside you.

“Move,” you demanded after a while. “What’s the magic word baby?” He grinned. “Please, Johnny,” you whimpered, clenching down on him. “Once more.” “Don’t make me beg.” “But you sound so pretty when you do,” he chuckled, only barely moving his hips. “Johnny please,” you whined, trying your best to move on his cock on your own but the angle was just not working out. “Oh, you want to do the work?” “I want you to move,” you groaned, pawing at his chest.

“But I think you’d look so pretty riding my cock,” Johnny rasped and in one fluid movement, he had sat up and pulled you onto his lap. Shit, it felt like he was even deeper now. “Come on, princess.” Whining, you wound your arms around his shoulders and pulled your legs beneath you so you could lift your hips up to make his cock smoothly slide out, the friction just right before you slowly dropped back down again, earning you an appreciative groan from Johnny. “That’s right, baby,” he praised you as you slowly found a comfortable pace, swiveling your hips until the angle was just right. Tightening the grip you had on his shoulders to use it as leverage, you began riding him in earnest, impaling yourself on his cock over and over again until your head was spinning and your thighs started to burn. “Come on, doll,” Johnny grinned, catching one of your nipples between his lips. Whining, you rolled your hips faster until your thighs began shaking. “Need help?” He just grinned, his big hands holding onto your hips to help you move up and down his cock at a steadier pace. “Please Johnny,” you hiccupped, hiding your face in his neck to ground yourself, “Please fuck me.” “Am I not doing just that?” He chuckled, filthily grinding his cock inside you. “Do it right,” you panted into his skin, “Fuck me like you mean it.”

“Then get on your hands and knees for me, baby.” He didn’t have to tell you twice, it was almost comical how quickly you obeyed his command and arched your back for him. “Hmm, that’s it,” he praised you, tracing the curve of your spine with his hands until he reached the space between your shoulder blades where he gently pushed down to make you arch even further. “So good and pliant for me, just waiting to be filled.” “Please,” you just whined again, past the point of caring about how pathetic you sounded, begging for his cock. “Say it baby,” he demanded, slapping his cock against your wet folds. “Please fuck me Johnny. Please. I want your cock inside me so badly. Want you to fuck me until I can’t even remember my own name anymore. Please I need it. I-“ your frantic rambling got cut off by the surprised moan leaving your lips as he thrust into you without any warning. “Don’t hold back baby,” Johnny rasped before gripping your hips tightly to finally fuck you in earnest, the sound of skin slapping together loud in the otherwise silent room. “God, your ass looks amazing,” he moaned, burying himself in your tight heat over and over again, mesmerized by how his cock was glistening in the low light and how easily your body opened up for him, “You’re basically made to take my cock.” You could only mewl at his dirty words and fist the sheets tightly in your hands as you tried to meet his thrusts as best as you could while you felt like you got your soul fucked right out of you.

“Feels so good,” you slurred when you felt the familiar knot in your stomach ready to snap, clenching around Johnny’s cock. “God baby, if you keep clenching like that I’m gonna cum,” Johnny cursed, grabbing you by the neck to pull you up against his chest, the pace of his hips only getting faster. “Please Johnny. Want it inside,” you whined, letting him use your body how he wanted to relish in the low moans he let out. “You want me to fill you up baby?” “Want it so bad, Johnny,” you mewled. “Then cum for me. Cum on my cock and I’ll give you anything you want.” And oh god. You had never thought that the strained sound of a couple of words could be enough to actually trip you over the edge but the rasp in Johnny’s voice had you falling apart in his arms, your orgasm ripping through you so hard it had your thighs shaking. “Such a good girl,” Johnny praised you before he let out a low guttural moan and fucked into you once – then twice – before his hips came to a halt, emptying his cum inside the condom.

For a while you two just panted loudly before Johnny gently laid you back down onto the mattress, chuckling lowly when you whined at the loss of his cock. “Shit,” you giggled while he quickly got rid of the condom, throwing it in the general direction of your trashcan. So tender you could have missed it, Johnny pressed a row of kisses down your spine until he reached the swell of your ass. “Cuddle me,” you pouted, making grabby hands at him. “We’re sweaty, princess,” he laughed but gave in when you kept pouting. “I don’t care,” you whined, fitting your head beneath his, wrapping your arms and legs around his body to cling to him like a koala. “You’re cute,” he smiled, pressing his lips to your forehead.

“For how long did you know?” “Know what?” Johnny asked, clearly confused. “That I was your secret admirer.” “I didn’t.” “It was so obvious,” you groaned. “Okay maybe I got a hunch after we started that group project. But you never said anything.” “What was I supposed to say? Oh Johnny, by the way, I’m the one who has been writing you cringey love letters for like half a year already. Please go out with me?” That made Johnny laugh, the sound melodic in the quiet of your room. “I would have said yes, you know?” He spoke lowly, “I’ll miss your letters.” “What makes you think I will stop writing them?” “Because you can tell me all that stuff in person now when we go on dates.” “We’ll go on dates?” “That’s what people do when they like each other, princess,” Johnny chuckled, “And I really like you. Both as my secret admirer and my classmate.” “Oh my god stop,” you whined, hiding your hot face in his chest, feeling shy all of a sudden while Johnny was just laughing.

“I like you too,” you eventually mumbled once it had gotten quiet again. “I figured,” he teased you. “I changed my mind,” you immediately shot back, rising from where you were cuddled into his chest but every other protest died on your tongue when you saw his dreamy expression, his honey eyes finding yours and completely ignoring the fact that you were still very much naked. “Date me,” he said. “Okay,” you answered, easily meeting his lips in a sweet kiss that wouldn’t be the last one you two shared tonight.

“Hello and welcome back, that was Middle Of The Night by Monsta X, suggested to us by raibebe through our Twitter with the hashtag JonJaeLoveTalk. We’re your DJ’s John-D.” “And Jae-D on NCT Night Night. Hello again to all of our listeners. John-D.” “Yes Jae-D,” Johnny chuckled, leaning back in his chair. “Something is off today. I looked through our mail and there was no letter from your secret admirer.” “Oh really,” he feigned surprise. “Either they didn’t send anything in or our director got sick of the pining.” “I can calm you right back down Jae-D,” Johnny smiled, “Because she simply doesn’t need to send any more letters. I finally found her.” “No way. For real? And you didn’t tell me? I have to find out through our radio show? Friendship is dead,” Jaehyun sighed dramatically and you couldn’t help but chuckle. “Jae-D you know you’ll always be the number one in my heart, you know that.” At that Jaehyun let out fake gagging noises that made both friends chuckle.

“No but for real. I finally found her and asked her out. It’s going great so yeah,” Johnny shrugged, “In case you’re listening baby: I’m dropping by later and bring sushi.” “This is so domestic already,” Jaehyun sighed dramatically, “Where is my secret admirer?” “Maybe you could find love as well if you stopped acting like the textbook example of a frat boy.” “What is that even supposed to mean?”

Smiling, you leaned back on your sofa and listened to your boyfriend bickering with his best friend. Boyfriend. That sounded good even though it still felt unreal. Love Letters weren’t dead after all it seemed.

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