#i start biochem degree this Tuesday!!

[electric-ecclectic]

I have returned from NYC jail!! Gonna work on replies later, but I’ll be making some new icons before I get started. I’m so glad to be back!

[pointeshoes-and-readingglasses]

Finals Week

Finals. The word that strikes fear into the heart of students. That word is enough to make adults shiver. Normally, for me, finals is exactly that, something that brings fear and intense anxiety as I think about how much of my grades is riding on how well I do on just a couple tests. I’m a good student, so I really have nothing to fear, I’ve always done well on finals, but that never stopped me from having panic attacks about them. 

This year though is different. Senior year. Some may assume that I’m not stressed about them just because I am a senior and I have my stuff figured out by now, but that isn’t the case. I’m not stressed because I don’t technically have to take my finals, at least not yet. 

This story truly begins much earlier in the semester. In September I began remembering what it was like to be in the hospital one year earlier. That coupled with the shortening days meant the beginnings of another depressive episode. 

The hospital. A place of healing and restoration, but also of illness and death. A year ago was my second time in the hospital for the same reason. Bipolar disorder was the official diagnosis according to my psychiatrist. I had only had one true “manic” episode that I can recall, which was really hypomania meaning I got the distinction of type II bipolar. Most of my life had been shrouded in the fog of depression. I have a chronic fatigue that no one knows how to deal with and a deep hatred of myself. 

I’ve tried a few different prescription drugs. The first one I was on made my depression so much worse and is part of the reason why I have the scars on my arms. Last year when I went to the hospital, they increased my antidepressant and that seemed to do the trick. I felt much happier and was able to function better. Things had started seeming to get better. I struggled through my classes, but I got an amazing internship for the summer. The summer went decently well, little to no anxiety and only one major depressive episode that didn’t last very long. I was excited for senior year. I was only taking 14 credit hours and two of my classes were fun psych classes. That didn’t seem to stop the depression from happening however. 

Like in the autumns before, the depression started out slowly, gradually building until I was self-harming again and wanting to die. Eventually I got put in the hospital again with suicidal thoughts. While in there, they increased my antidepressant because that’s what worked last time. However, I had had genetic testing done to see how my body metabolized certain drugs and when the hospital got my results the doctor realized that the dose of my antidepressant I was on was enough to cause seizures for me. So he offered to switch me to another drug that actually two of my brothers were on and were doing well with. I agreed and at first I was doing well so they released me from the hospital.

But my troubles didn’t end there. My chronic fatigue had gotten so out of hand, I skipped a couple of classes (something I never did before even when sick.) Thankfully a break was coming up because I had missed an entire week of school and as a STEM major that’s a lot of work to make up. 

The week of Thanksgiving was good. I went to a lot of doctors offices and did a lot of relaxing. I had had plans to write two papers over the break, but that did not happen. 

Returning to school with only a week and a half left of classes, I was relatively optimistic about my ability to get it all done. After a tearful conversation with my mother, I made a schedule for the rest of the week to optimize my time. I could do this.

My body had other plans however than me getting my work done. I tried to power through the week as best I could, taking as many naps as possible. I did get work done, but not as much as I had hoped. After a weekend of getting next to nothing done, my parents called me on Tuesday to check in. I told them I could get it done and they left the conversation reassured. I proceeded to get almost no work done that evening because of a inability to do anything productive. I just sat there staring at my computer trying to find the will to do work, but nothing came to me. I began to seriously doubt myself and whether I really could get everything done in time. I tried calling my sister-in-law for some encouragement but she was unable to talk as she had a client that evening. 

The depression was really starting to settle in again. The week prior I had gone for a walk in the 30 degree weather without a coat on and held snow in my hand just to feel the pain of it burning my hand. An entire week in the hospital, all for nothing. The depression was almost as bad now as it was then. I couldn’t do it. I was a failure. 

The next day was the last day of classes. That evening I called my mom to tell her that I couldn’t do it. I had been trying all day to do work, and I had accomplished nothing. She tried to reassure me that I could do it, but I refused to listen to her. I was so stuck in my own thoughts of failure. She suggested I just try to work on my biochem problem set for one hour and call her back then. I spent that hour doing various things, none of which were my problem set. I didn’t want to call her back just to tell that I couldn’t do the very simply task she had put before me. Eventually she called me. I told her that I wasn’t doing well at all and had cut the night before. At this she freaked out a little. She doesn’t understand why I cut. She decided to call my therapist back home who told her to call the resident director on call. That person came to my room and we talked for a little about what was bothering me. She called the counselor on call. I told her what was going on and she suggested we get my parents on the line. 

And now we finally come to why I am not taking all my finals. Because that counselor told me that it was too much to expect of me to get all my work done. I was so relieved to hear that. All this time I had felt like I should be able to get everything done and if I weren’t mentally ill, maybe I could have, but the fact is that I have a mental illness and there’s no getting around it. I expected some push back from my parents when she told them this, but they agreed. It actually hurt slightly that they agreed so readily because just a little bit ago they had been pushing me to get everything done. I didn’t know what to think so I started crying. It was all so overwhelming. The counselor told me that I didn’t have to do any more work this year if I didn’t want to. 

I spent the whole of the next day not even attempting to do work. I got lunch with a friend and that evening took a shower, put on lotion and comfy socks, drank tea, and watched a movie. I got to sleep in the next day which was heavenly. 

Here I am, two days later, having only taken one final and only planning on taking one more. I wish I could say that now that the pressure is gone, my life is great. It’s not. I’m still very depressed. I started scratching myself last night a little, but I was able to stop. I really am trying my best to take care of myself, my room is clean, and I took a shower this evening, but I’m still dying on the inside. I still have a passionate hate for myself. Will this stupid mental illness ever go away? Or will this be my lot in life for forever? Can life really get better? Or is that just a fairy tale other people get to live out that’s not for me? 

[mullinskok1-blog]

Jamie Clarke Hints At Armagh Return

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