#i spose i need to figure out first whats a strong way for character a to name character b when character b has

[bbeelzemon]

hmm i feel like i shouldst perhaps changeth my oc's name because 1) i originally just picked it cuz it sounded cool lol 2) its reason in-story is kinda weak and that might be a good enough reason to think up a new one? And last of all 3) ive just realized their name is also the abbreviation for the new y/ork times and seeing it abbreviated with my oc's name on my dash vexed and haunted me!!

[boogiewrites]

A Shelby in Margate

Characters: Alfie Solomons x Shelby Sister (OFC), Tommy Shelby

Summary: Penny Shelby has only wanted one thing, to not be a Shelby.  Perhaps the man she’s loved from afar can help her with that.

Warnings/Tags: Angst and Fluff. CONTAINS SEASON 5 SPOILERS.

Click on my icon then go to my Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.) Please like, comment and reblog if you enjoyed it! It helps out us writers A LOT!

A Shelby sister is something no one asks to be, and certainly something no one really wants. Especially when the relationship to a very bold and brash man named Tommy Shelby causes such grief in your life that you give up on finding a happiness that most women expect out of life and you move forward with the form of Scarlet Letter on your face that being Shelby lends.

Penelope or Penny Shelby was as crude and difficult as the rest of her siblings. Born after Tommy and before Ada, her darling sass of a little sister that she took great pride in helping raise. With the Romani blood running fiercely in her veins just like her Aunt Polly, before Tommy was a household name in Birmingham she could’ve gotten away with saying she wasn’t a Shelby at all due to the dark complexion she held. Olive skin set her apart and caused her enough trouble from the prejudice of the travelers and Irish alike she came from. She held that same icy blue eyes of her older brother, and hair as black as the coal from the fires they grew up with. A smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks like her mother and a glare that could cause a grown man to tremble like her closest Aunt Polly.

Despite her strong exterior, the pain and turmoil of her life, mostly derived from her older brothers had left her soft and weary on the inside. She drank to cope, as did they all. She didn’t turn to the drugs, as if Tommy would’ve ever let her hear the end of it. She had been stronger, both inside and out only a few years prior. The final blow leaving her gaunt and haunted was the loss of a man she had thought of as her own, even if he never had been in any formal sense. Oh, how she’d loved him. His ability to outsmart her seemingly unstoppable brother, his smart mouth and intimidating physique. He was unlike anything she’d ever experienced and found herself enamored with the only slightly older man who she saw as her escape from forever being known as a Shelby.

There were few names as infamous as Solomons, and she knew that name would be her ticket out of the shadow of her brother. Unfortunately, Alfie was a bit more hesitant than she. Not that she wasn’t a lovely little bird, reminding him of some forest nymph from a fairy tale his mother would’ve told him as child with her haunting eyes and a smile so out of place with its genuine affection for him among a clan of troublesome Shelby’s it made his chest stir in a way he feared. She had proven herself loyal to him, little hints she knew he was clever enough to catch in the fleeting moments alone they shared. He knew she fancied him, lingering touches of her hand to his as she spoke softly and quietly. Eye contact that never wavered and that bloody smile she only had for him. It wasn’t until an encounter that her brother didn’t know about to this day, that he finally knew her intention.

“Penny, love? What are you doing here?”

“Saving your stubborn arse.” she chokes out, hands shaking with the heavy pistol between them, still smoking from the bullet just gone through the Italians head that was about the draw on him.

“Does your brother know you-”

“Fuck Tommy!” the tears finally break in her eyes and begin their descent down her cheeks. She lowers the gun and lays it on a crate beside her, slumping onto a hip height box with the exhaustion shown on her face. “He’s the reason John’s dead. The reason why these fucking wops are after us. And now YOU. I can’t lose anyone else.”

“There there, pet.” he says pushing the gun away and not knowing what to do except take her hand.

“I came to tell you they were coming for you. I overheard it. I couldn’t let them kill you, Alfie, I can’t lose you too.” she begins to sob, something he never thought a Shebly was capable of at that point. Grabbing his shirt she pushes herself into his arms.

“Lose me?”

“Alfie you’re too clever to not know how I feel about you.” she shakes her head and doesn’t meet his eyes.

“I had…suspected.” he pauses, his gut hurting for the poor lass. “But your brother.”

“I said FUCK TOMMY SHELBY! I never asked for this! I don’t want to BE a Shelby! I’m done. Finished. I can’t take life in his shadow.”

“Penny…love…” he says softly, “I”m leavin’ ya know. Retirin’. I’m finished with this life, I know they’re comin’ for us all. And I’m takin’ my gains and I’m gone.”

“Where?”

“That’s no concern for you. The less you know the better.”

“Take me with you.”

“That would be the end of me.” he lets out an amusing sound, almost a laugh.

“Alfie. I’ve admired you from afar for so long. It feels almost childish to think of you as my own when we’ve never even discussed it. We’ve barely been allowed time alone. But I feel something so strongly for you. It must be love.”

“You are not a child at all. And I’ve known by the way that bloody smile takes me out at my knees like a steel pipe that there was somethin’ there.” He sees the hope flicker in her eyes and his heartbreaks. “But we can’t. I’m not the man for you. As much as I’d like to be. It ain’t me love.”

She leaves with gunpowder on her hands and tears staining her dress that night. The news he was dead found her not too long after that. And now she stood mere yards away, unknowingly, from the man she’d loved from afar that she had mourned and still thought was dead.

—–

“What fuckin’ else can I do for ya Tom? From the way that hats being wrung I know that ain’t all ya want of me.” Alfie gruffs, reclined in his velvet chair that faces that balcony of his mansion in MArgate where he hides.

“There is one more person… that I want to know you’re alive.” his voice is as flat and dead as his face lends you to believe he is.

“Not asking for much, eh?” Alfie raises a brow. “Who?”

“Someone that deserves to know.” the way his shoulders slouched told Alfie everything he needed to know. Guilt that sat heavy on Tommy’s shoulders for what he’d almost done. And not for Alfie’s sake, but for Penny’s.

“Mmmph.” he nods. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. Best she thinks I”m dead. What use as I to her now?”

“I knew she loved you.” he states plainly.

A fact that Alfie actually hadn’t known. “Did you?”

“You think I don’t know me own baby sister?” he asks with a slight twist of anger.

“Said no such thing.”

“You’ll want to thank her for Cyril being taken such good care of. She’s treated that dog as if it were her own son.” a ghost of a smile crosses his lips. “That is after she cried for a month after she heard you were dead.” he pauses. “You know she cried more over you than her own husband?”

Alfie only nods. Knowing like most women her age her first husband died in the war. He realizes she had truly meant what she said. “We never…” Alfie clears his throat. “Y’know.” his attempts at being respectful amuse Tommy deeply.

“I knew that too.” he nods.

“Why do you want to hurt the poor girl again?”

“She visits your grave, Alfie. Just the other day she was telling Cyril stories of his papa.”

Alfie’s stomach turns. Had he made a mistake? Had he been too selfish.

“I take it by you being here she doesn’t know you’re the one what done it.”

“She does not.”

“Mmm. And how are you going to work around that?”

“Once she knows you are not dead I won’t have to.”

“I know you’re gambling man Tommy but those are steep odds. Against you, I might add.”

“I know her. She’ll forgive me.”

“That's’ what you bank on every time innit?”

Tommy glares at him. A silence falls between them as Alfie looks out to the sea from the open set of doors on the balcony.

“Alright.” Alfie grunts and sits up, taking a deep breath. “Since she’s taken care of my dog. ‘Spose she deserves to know.” he nods, taking a heavy sigh. “But I might frighten her now. She won’t be seein’ who I was.”

“I’ve heard her prayers, Alfie. When she thinks no one, not even God is listenin’ to her anymore. She won’t be frightened.”

A grunt is all he can say to such a thing.

“I’ll go fetch her.” Tommy says as he groans and stands.

“Ya fuckin’ what? Now?”

“She’s just outside.”

“What the fuckin’ hell Tom?” he gruffs out angrily. “Ya can’t just appear to a man in such a way and demand things of him in a state like I am!”

“She deserves to know,” he states plainly again. “I brought her because I didn’t want you going back on your word after you had time to think about it.”

Alfie gives his signature frown. A bottom lip jutted over his mustache in frustration. “Fuckin’ ‘ell. Not even had time to think ‘bout it!”

“That’s the purpose this serves. She deserves to have a real reaction. Not your carefully crafted answers.”

“What do you want of me Tom?” he asks plainly. “You surely don’t want her to be with me? Especially not NOW.” he juts the scarred side of his face forward.

“It’s no issue to me how you look. That’d be up to her, wouldn’t it? But have you known Penny to be shallow?”

Alfie sits back in his chair, elbows on his knees and looks at the dusty rug beneath his boots. “Lass is as deep as the ocean.” he mutters. She’d told him everything he as to her, a body was nothing but a vessel for his soul she said. Something he’d thought a bit naive back then, but upon reflection he found it taking a new meaning to him. Maybe a Shelby was right about something stranger things had happened.

“Then I’ll fetch her. I suggest you figure out which side of yourself you’re going to be honest with.”

—–

Penny in her summer dress wanders the garden as she was instructed, feeling the kiss of a sea salt breeze against her face. She loved the sea, and so rarely had seen it, felt it against her skin. The open expanse of it, the infinite mystery and possibility it held fascinated her. Tommy’s voice breaks her from her reflection, leaning against a stone wall and looking out at the waves crashing into the daunting cliffs.

“Come now Penny, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

She nods and fusses with her windblown hair. “This house is lovely.” she almost coos as she crosses the threshold.

Alfie hears her voice. What sort of man had he been to hurt her how he did. To prolong it in such a way. She was a rose among the thorns of her family, the women the only ones worth a damn out of them. She’d saved his life, took in a painful reminder of him and cared for Cyril after he was gone, kept his memory alive and he’d abandoned her. If she shot him where he stood he’d deserve it.

“Look at all this.” he can feel the genuine lilt like a songbird to her voice. “Who lives here? This place is fantastic. Look at all these interesting and eclectic things. You could spend hours and never see the end of it.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Tommy says standing in the archway into the room where Alfie stood. “Here’s the owner. You can discuss it all with him.” What a loaded statement and delivered so cooly.

Penny walks slowly, taking in her surroundings with great interest before her head turned and saw the man silhouetted in the light of the sun, framed by two open patio doors with that same sea breeze fluttering the long curtains that hung. She freezes, eyes fluttering in confusion. That posture, that build. The vest and the white billowy sleeves. A glint of light of the rings that adorned his overworked hands. It was him.

“Wh-I- H-how?” she whispers out, not even loud enough for Alfie to hear, but Tommy heard every beat of her heart as he watched the realization come over her face.

“‘Ello, love.” that warm, liquor voice that burned and soothed hit her like a hammer, taking her knees out from under her as Tommy caught her.

She squeaks and tears appear hot and plentiful in her eyes. “You can’t…you…” her breathing wheezes and she holds onto Tommy for support, her body failing her out of shock.

He turns his good side first, seeing her just as lovely as she ever had been. Sun-kissed skin from the season spent in the north in the caravans, that long wavy hair that framed her shocked face, touseled perfectly by the winds of MArgate. Despite the posh sort of dress Tommy was now known for, she was still in simple cotton. Her boots tight around her ankles and shiny, dirt under her nails from the garden. A salt of the earth woman that was wrongfully placed in the shit hole of Birmingham away from nature where she belonged.

“Alfie.” she finally forces out.

“Yeah, love. I’m afraid it’s me.” he says with a pain in his voice, one of fear of rejection as he lets the light show his true side as he called it. The side of him that showed what a monster he had been, the monster he was.

Her face remains unchanged. “Alfie you…” she wheezes and gasps, he takes a step towards her and she pushes out of her brother’s arms. Stumbling with the numbness in her limbs as she finds herself once again sobbing into the shirt of the man she still loved. No matter how hard she’d tried not to over these last years.

“There, there, pet.” he says just as he had the last time she’d heard it, but this time it is accompanied by the wrapping of warm and affectionate arms around her. He shushes her as she cries, soaking his shirt and hiccuping, a hand stroking her hair, the other rubbing her back. All things she’d dreamed of so often she’d lost track of if they’d ever happened or not.

“Is this real? Or did I jump off the cliffs outside and now I’ve somehow found myself not in hell?” she manages to get out with her forehead pressed to his chest.

“You’d most certainly go to heaven. And since I am here with you, I’m afraid that means we’re both very much still alive.”

“HOW? I heard you were shot!” her voice break as she looks up from his chest to meet his face. Seeing nothing but the man she’d longed for. She’d told God she didn’t care what state he was in, just give him back to her. Her last chance at happiness, her last shot to have someone who truly could understand her and her life.

“I was. As you can tell.” he shrugs his shoulder on the marked side of his face. Just as Tommy as said, and Alfie is fully frustrated he was correct, she reaches up to touch his face without even an inkling of regret or fear o disgust.

“Are you still hurt?” is her concern and he takes a long, deep breath to compose himself. He didn’t deserve her. Maybe he’d known all along and that was why he’d told her now. Because deep down, who gave a fuck what Tommy Shelby thought.

“It does sometimes, yeah.” he nods, speaking softly as her fingertips move over the raised scar on his cheek, looking over the milky eye that was blinded by the same bullet that made the disfigurement she was touching as if was perfect skin. “Certainly doesn’t right now though.” his voice is quiet, looking into her bright eyes full of tears for him.

One dark eye under the same heavy brow and a fuller beard now that hid those full lips, unphased by the shot, beaming down at her with what she could’ve sworn was affection. “How?”

“Man that shot me can’t shoot worth a damn is how.”

He sees storm clouds darken her eyes in a more clear moment of recognition. “Who?”

“That’s a question for your brother.” he leans in close, almost touching his forehead to hers.

She spins out of his arms, suddenly full of vengeance and steady. “Who?” she demands.

Tommy takes his stand. “I did.”

“YOU BASTARD!” she lunges at him and is whisked off her feet by Alfie.

“Can’t argue with that.” Tommy mumbles.

“YOU KNEW! YOU FUCKING KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM AND YOU TRIED TO KILL HIM? YOU FUCKING WANK STAIN! YOU ABSOLUTE MAD BASTARD!” she screams and fights against Alfie’s arms to maim her brother. He would’ve laughed if he hadn’t been so focused on keeping her from hurting herself.

“I asked him to!” Alfie shouts and he feels her little legs stop kicking.

Her head shakes in confusion. It was a lot on the poor lass to take in all at once. “Wha-What?” she squeaks and keeps her eyes on Tommy as Alfie sits her feet back to the floor.

Tommy stands with a confident nod. Not sure if he was proud that Alfie took credit for what had happened, because he had all but pulled the trigger.

“I asked him to, Penny.”

“Why?!” she screeches with a hand to her chest as she faces him, back humped over and heart feeling as if it might give out.

“The doctor. Wrongfully so told me I had cancer love.”

Once again her knees fail her as he scoops her up into his arms, seeing her head wobble and eyes lose focus.

“Poor things gonna faint.” he mutters, sitting in his chair and pulling her into his lap.

“She’ll be fine. Give her a moment.” Tommy says with complete faith. He was asking a lot of her, but he knew she could take it. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have gone through with it. As hard as he was, as much as he’d agree he was a mad bastard, he didn’t want to purposely hurt his sisters. It just so happened they got in the way of his plans at times and Penny found herself right in the middle of them currently.

“C-cancer?” she asks with a gasp of air, fighting to stabilize herself. She felt light-headed, but the arms around her helped, the beat of the heart under her palm helped the most.

“Yeah. Told me I was gonna die. I didn’t wanna waste away y’know? Not any sort of death for a man to face.” she shook his head. “Your brother and I. Had a…sort of agreement. To kill one another if it came down to it, yeah?”

“What in the fuck are you talking about?”

Her brash tone makes him chuckle. “The correct response, yes love. “ he nods. “I was told I was dyin’. Had Tommy meet me on that beach out there to kill me. And he thought he did. But add it to the long list of things your brother innit good at.”

His brows shift and rise and fall across her face, eyes wide and questioning. “You thought you were going to die. So you wanted ti over with.”

“I told you she’d understand.” Tommy adds from across the room, staying silent and still.

“Of course my friend’s mum… it would’ve been a kindness to end it for her.” she reflects. “So… you knew?” she asks with hands no longer shaking. “When I… told you about…how I…:

“I did.” he nods. “I wasn’t gonna put you through that. That’s not…that ain’t me, love.”

“I would have.” she states with conviction and his shoulders falter at the hurt in her eyes. “I mourned you. I cried until nothing came out any longer. I drank, I took pills, tonics, hoping to wake up wherever you were. I would’ve still…It wouldn’t have stopped me.”

“You don’t mean that…”

“Don’t tell me what I fucking mean Alfie!”

Tommy smiles from across the room.

“Right, right, sorry mate.” he sputters out with true surprise in his raised brow. Something about this little lady cut him down from newly adorned god status to a man stuttering in apology. Tommy knew at that moment he’d made the right decision.

Her breathing heavy and fast, she glares at him. “My head is spinning, my heart is on fire and my stomach feels like it’s gonna fall out my arse and I don’t know if want to kill you myself or .or,..” her bottom lip gives her away, a hand to his cheek as she shakes her head and groans.

“…love me?” he asks with a raise of the brow he could. It was a gamble to ask. But with her heart racing like a hummingbird, he could feel against his own chest where she sat.

“How dare you,” she whispers back. But her face isn’t offended, a thumb drifting softly over his blind eye and to his temple. “I can kill you and still love you.” she offers with a smile finally gracing her lips. “I have…I mean, I do. Still. Even now.”

“With me lookin’ like this.”

“Like what? Like a strong man who defied death? Don’t be daft Alfie. I wanted you back no matter what. And I meant it. I meant despite you hiding, letting me think you were dead. Oh, letting poor Cyril think you were dead.” her brows furrow and his heart warms like it hadn’t in decades.

He gives her a smile she finds most peculiar. She’d never seen it before on his face.

“What?” she whispers.

“You, love.”

“What about me?”

The smile remains, followed by a sigh as he looks over her face. Hurt, but holding no hate for him. He puts his hand to her cheek to mirror her own delicate actions. “Why me Penny, eh? Surely other men deserve a woman like you more than me.”

“No other man can handle me. And you know this.”

Another, wider grin from him.

“If I could choose who I love, and I can’t, I’d choose someone else because I know you would be nothing but a pain in the arse but….goddammit Alfie I do.” she gives his face a little shake and presses her forehead to his.

“I don’t deserve a woman like you. You know that right?”

“No one deserves anything, Alfie. You know this. Things just happen.”

“Fuck me, I really don’t deserve ya.” he groans and kisses her forehead.

“But do you want me? Did you ever?”

“You should know I did. I only wanted to protect you.”

“What about now?” she asks with brave eyes that pierce into his, not allow him to look away. “There’s nothing to hide behind now. No protecting me. Just… end it now or let this be the beginning.”

“Fuckin’ ‘ell…” he sighs. “How are you a Shelby with a mind that says things like that?” A slow sweep of his thumb over her lips makes her eyes shut and held her breath for an answer. A man like him couldn’t touch a woman like this without something in his heart for her, could he? “I… did and I…do. A man like me… he’s not so good at matters of the heart. The mind is where my talents lie.”

“Then let this be your first lesson.” she kisses the tip of his thumb. “Tell me you love me.”

“Penny I-”

“Thomas, leave.” she interrupts, both hands on Alfie’s face, that smile he’d missed and dreamed of from time to time back and in full force, assaulting his sensibility.

“Already got my hat on. You know my number.” he says and saunters away, content by the way things had played out.

“Now tell me Alfie, love. Let me hear it.” she whispers, nuzzling her nose against his.

“I love you Penny.” he manages with closed eyes. “You’re strong and brilliant. Not suited for the name of Shelby at all.”

She smiles against his lips, feeling the words warm over her skin like honey tea. “Perhaps you could come up with a way to change that?” she grins and he’s blessed with her soft laugh once again.

“I do believe I could.” he coos and finally gives her the soft kiss that she’d been dreaming of. A promise she’d get what she always wanted, to not be called Shelby.

[sad-sweet-cowboah]

As We Meet

$10 comission! @la-vide asked for Arthur first appearing in modern!reader’s home/first adjusting to the modern world. This came out to be 2,460 words and fun to write! This actually lingered in the back of my mind for a while, but this gave me an excuse to actually write it!

The sound of fumbling aroused you from a comfortable sleep. Though still dazed, you got up immediately. Your clock flashed 7 am, and you groaned in annoyance. Not how you wanted to wake up on your day off.

“Fucking cat.” You rasped, rubbing your bleary eyes as you padded over to your door. It was ajar, and you saw the little silver kitten dart into your room. “What’d you knock down this time?” You asked her, shooting Artemis a glare as she disappeared underneath your bed.

Yawning widely, you stepped out of your bedroom, expecting to see some sort of decoration knocked over. You’ve only had Artemis for a month and she seemed to be on a mission to destroy anything on high shelves, despite the large cat tree you’d bought when you first got her.

You rounded the corner to your living room, your eyes fixed on your carpet only to find nothing indicating any damage. However, what you saw instead caused you to freeze and slowly back up.

A man stood smack in the middle of your living room. Dressed in all black and facing away from you. Your heart thundered wildly in your chest, wondering if this man was a burglar, or worse. You knew some self defense, and hoped he was slower than you.

You regretted turning down your father’s offer about having a firearm.

You glanced around, hoping that you had anything that could be used as a weapon. Thankfully, a broken floor lamp sat in the corner and you grabbed it, silently thanking yourself that you hadn’t thrown it out yet.

Gripping the lamp hard, you whipped around the corner, ready to swing. The first thing your eye caught was the myriad of weapons decorating his upper torso and his waist, secondly, how broad he was.

He seemed to be alerted by your presence and he turned around immediately. His face was partially hidden by a worn black cowboy hat, and when you got a good look at him, something struck you as familiar.

His arms raised in the air in a sign of surrender. “Easy there…” he drawled in a deep voice, his accent strong.

Wait…

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?” You demanded, tightening your grip.

“I ain’t lookin’ for trouble. Jus’ tryin’ to figure out where I am.” He explained evenly and warily.

That voice…

“How about you get out then?” You growled, trying to keep yourself focused.

“Can you jus’ tell me where I am, ‘sides your house?” The man asked. He lifted his head, allowing you to see his face fully.

You dropped the lamp in surprise, the bar clattering awkwardly against the carpeted floor. “Arthur Morgan?!”

He frowned. “How do ya know me?”

You must be dreaming. There is no way in hell a video game character would be real, standing right in front of you. You pinched yourself, and held back a small hiss when the stinging pain made its presence. Okay, this was reality. You weren’t sure how to respond to him, every word failing to form coherent phrases. Your mouth made a couple of noises detached from your brain. “Are you real?” You managed to splutter out.

He gave you a look of confusion, and spread his arms out as if to answer you. “Last time I checked…”

You could only stare. Just last night you were sitting on your couch and playing Red Dead Redemption 2, running as Arthur through the cobblestone paths of Saint Denis. Now, that same Arthur stood in your living room. You wordlessly reached out to him, brushing your fingers against his arm. He flinched from your touch, but he was solid. His skin was warm.

“Ma’am,” he said, stepping back from you. “If you could kindly let me know where I am so I can get back home?”

Jesus Christ, he was really real. You pursed your lips and told him the name of your town and your state, only to see his confusion grow.

“Seems far from Lemoyne…” he murmured to himself, and looked around your house. “Ain’t never seen any house like this neither.” He paused when he looked at your TV. “That some fancy new mirror?”

“Uh,” you chewed your bottom lip, thinking of your next few words. You decided to avoid the question. “Do you remember how you got here?”

He looked at you again. “No. Last thing I remember is goin’ to bed. Next thing I know, I wake up on your floor.” He continued to look around the room, seemingly more intrigued by the modern technology. “You didn’t kidnap me, didja?”

“No!” You automatically answered.

“Well, ya know who I am. Can’t be a coincidence that I end up in some stranger’s home that knows my name.” Arthur’s eyes narrowed.

“I…have heard of you,” you lied quickly. “But I don’t know why you’re here either. I promise I didn’t kidnap you.”

He stared at you with scrutiny for a moment, eyes traveling up and down your body. You were only wearing a tank top and shorts, and you felt naked under his gaze. Once he realized your discomfort, he turned his head away. Even in an awkward situation like this, he was respectful.

“I think I should get goin’, you gotta horse I could borrow or somethin’?” He asked, wandering over to a window and peered outside. You caught a glimpse of your car in the driveway, and he stepped back in confusion.”The hell is that?”

How could you explain to him that he was a video game character in the future? Hell, he wouldn’t understand the concept of a video game in the first place. “That’s…a car,” you said carefully. “No one uses horses to get around anymore.”

“Anymore?” He repeated, turning to look at you. “What do ya mean by that?”

“Arthur, what year do you think it is?”

“1899,” he said, though from his expression he seemed unsure. “Ain’t it?”

You shook your head slowly. “It’s 2019.”

“Two thousand…” he trailed off, his brow furrowing in thought. He was silent for a moment, though the frown on his face deepened. “So…I somehow jumped 120 years in the future?”

“I…I think so.” You sighed, scratching your head in plain bewilderment. How in the world did this happen? Why did it happen?

Arthur seemed to be at a loss for words, the exasperated look on his face told you everything that he couldn’t form coherent words for. You weren’t sure what to say to him either.

The awkward silence was broken by the sound of your phone ringing from your bedroom, and Arthur jumped. His eyes widened in surprise.

“Relax,” you said calmly. “I’ll go get that. You don’t go anywhere.”

It was your workplace calling, asking you to come in due to being short staffed today. You were quick to lie; explaining that Artemis needed to go to the emergency vet, feigning concern in your voice as you did. In the middle of the conversation, some movement caught your eye, and you noticed Arthur stood awkwardly at your door.

You hung up, turning to catch his gaze. He seemed to be fixated on your phone. “What’s that contraption?”

“A cell phone,” you said, throwing it against your bed. “You okay?” you asked, noting the troubled look on his face.

He sighed, hanging his head slightly to remove his hat. You’d realized with a jolt that he was just as you designed him in your personal game. The initial shock of his sudden appearance caused you to not notice it previously. That short, slicked back hair was something you favored. It certainly looked much better in real life. “Jus’…worried, I guess. Dunno how to get back to my own time, if I even can.”

Your heart sank for him. As confused as you were, it was even more confusing for him. He technically didn’t exist in this world, so of course there would be nowhere for him to go. You could only hope that this was temporary, and whatever magic sent him here would send him back to the game.

Until then, he would need a place to stay. “Well…Arthur, you can stay here for the time being. I mean at least until you manage to get back.” You offered.

He looked at you, an intense stare from those bright blue eyes shining in the morning light. His lips twitched for a moment before he responded. “That ain’t necessary. I think I put you off enough by bein’ here.”

You shook your head in response. “It’s not your fault that you appeared in my living room. But since you’re here, you need a place to stay. I’m the only person you know so far.”

“Hardly,” He chuckled without humor. “I ain’t even know your name.”

You told him your name. “Better?” you said.

“Miss Y/N,” he repeated thoughtfully. “I still don’t-“

“Listen,” you interjected softly, stepping closer to him. Placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, you continued. “The world’s a lot bigger than much different than what you’re used to. I can promise you that you’ll be better off staying here with me. I don’t mind, really.”

He stared at you silently for a moment, and you kept your gaze even with his. The sunlight highlighted his features; the faint wrinkles and the scar on his chin, his cheeks and jawline decorated with faint stubble.

He certainly was nice to look at.

“I…’spose that would be best.” He finally agreed, looking around your bedroom.

You smiled at that, glad he didn’t put up an argument. A movement by your feet caught your attention, you glanced down to see Artemis had left her hiding spot, and was now rubbing against Arthur’s legs.

---

That night, you went to bed expecting Arthur to be gone by that morning. Instead he was sitting on your couch, writing something in his journal. One day turned into two, two to three, a few days to a week. Whatever had made Arthur come to your world showed no indication of sending him back.

And what an interesting week it’s been.

You first started by introducing Arthur to modern gadgets. His curiosity of everything reminded you of a little kid, though you had to remind him to be gentle with some things.

“So, this thing plays anything you want, whenever you want?” Arthur had asked, gesturing to the TV.

“Mostly. Although with cable, everything is set on a schedule,” you pressed the on button on the remote. The screen came to life, and the first thing shown was a particularly gory scene from The Walking Dead. “Check it out.”

Arthur’s face quickly turned to disgust. “The hell they doin’ to that poor feller?!”

You laughed at his response. “Don’t worry, it’s all fiction. It’s just a show. That blood is all fake. And that guy – he’s undead. They gotta kill him before he kills them.”

Arthur just shook his head. “And this is for entertainment?”

He as certainly intrigued by the microwave, in complete awe that food didn’t have to be cooked over an open fire anymore. You taught him how to use it, making sure he didn’t burn the place down whilst you were at work.

He also loved the shower, mesmerized by the mere concept of having hot water on demand. His first shower lasted around 45 minutes, and you had to pound on the door to tell him that hot water wasn’t free. He walked out wrapped in a towel, as you’d placed his clothes in the wash prior to him getting in.

“That was amazin’,” he sighed, running his hands through his wet hair. “Don’t get cold after sittin’ a while like a bath does.”

You looked at him from head to toe. You’ve seen him shirtless before, for those bath scenes. You had to staunch the sudden desire to reach out and touch that scarred chest.

“Hey, my clothes done yet?” he asked, unaware of your staring.

You blinked and nodded. “Yeah, come on.”

After a few days, it was apparent that he wouldn’t be going back anytime soon. You’d stopped by a local Tractor Supply to buy him some new clothes, instead of wearing the same outfit every day.

He once asked for your phone out of curiosity.

“What’s it called again?” he’d asked, staring at it in his hand.

“A smartphone. It can do a lot more than call people, that’s why it’s called that.” You said, reaching over to scroll through the pages of apps.

When your hand moved, Arthur tried it on his own. He tapped the screen rather hard, opening up the camera that had been set in selfie mode. He let out a small yelp and dropped it in surprise. “It turned into a mirror!”

You laughed, retrieving the phone from his lap. “Nah, it’s the camera.”

He stared at you incredulously. “You’re tellin’ me…that it’s also a camera? The hell else is it, a telegraph?”

“Actually, yeah. Kinda.” You said thoughtfully, watching his eyes widen even further.

Leaving him alone the first day was concerning, however. Though he swore up and down he wasn’t going to venture out, the thought still remained in the back of your mind. You ran down a list of things he could and could not do, as if he were a child staying home alone for the first time. You tried to keep your worries out of the way while working, though it was a prominent thought up until you drove home, and you let out a sigh of relief to find your house wasn’t burned down, nor was he out and about.

After the first week, you were getting used to coming home from work to him. Usually you would find him on the couch, scribbling something in his journal or watching something random on TV. During the second week, he began to cook you microwave meals that were ready for you once you stepped in the door.

You chatted with him over meals, learning a lot more about him than you ever have in the game. He was getting more comfortable with you as well, his hands brushing against you nonchalantly, sitting closer to you on the couch. Those lingering touches would send a flicker of heat to your face, though you had to tell yourself not to get too attached, in case you’d wake up to find him gone.

Before the third week mark, you’d gone to bed with him on your mind, a whirlwind of thoughts cycling back and forth. Somehow in these past few weeks, you’d realized you began to see him in a different light. You fell asleep with his face in your mind’s eye, leaning in for a kiss…

[txladyj-blog]

This Time Around - Chapter 18

A Daryl Dixon x OFC collaboration written by @xmistressmistrustx​ by request of @txladyj-blog​

Rating: Explicit

Relationship: Daryl Dixon/Original Female Character

Tags: Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Awkwardness, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Crush, Fluff and Humor, Angst and Humor, Mild Smut, Strong Language, Eventual Sex, Eventual Romance, Slow Burn, Canon Divergence, Some Canon Scenes and Dialogue

Chapters 23/?

Carl was reading Judith’s new favorite book to her. The one Jess had given her and she'd become obsessed with. No other books were good enough. The night had crept in before he’d even noticed, the sky turning from orange to a deep black in the blink of an eye. The stars were out that night and he began to count them one by one as he bounced Judith on his lap. That was, until she began to fuss and pulled the book towards her on the table. She was getting good at communicating her needs, her main one being reading with her brother or Uncle Daryl.

From their position on the front porch, the front gate could be seen to the right, small lights lined the walls and illuminated the area for the gate guards and the sentries that patrolled the perimeter. Not only could he see the gate from where he sat, he could also see between the two houses opposite. The metal girder that held up that section of the wall and the holes in it that Enid used to fashion a ladder with metal pipes in order to scale the wall. He always kept a close eye on the gap between the houses, frequently following Enid over the wall despite Jess’s warnings. He knew she watched over her, but when she was sent on a run there was no one else to do so, meaning Carl took it upon himself to ensure her safety while keeping enough distance to avoid being detected. It was risky and dangerous, he knew that much, but he wasn’t about to let the girl he liked linger outside the safety of Alexandria all alone.

He was almost finished with the storybook when the gate squeaked open, it’s mechanical noise rattling through the street. Daryl struck a solitary figure when he walked through the gate and nodded to the guard, who heaved it shut behind him. He carried his crossbow over his shoulder and appeared pensive as he crossed the space between the street and the house.

“Hi Daryl” Carl greeted. He closed the book on the table and shifted Judith on his lap. Deciding she wasn’t quite done with the story, she reached out and opened the book again, scrunching up the pages with her little hand as she turned them.

“Carl.” Daryl nodded. Reaching the top of the steps to the porch. Leaning down to Judith, he ruffled her hair and tickled her fingers with his own. “Hey, Lil’ asskicker” he uttered to his adoptive niece. He pulled out a chair, dropped his crossbow beside it on the floor and sat down to a heavy sigh emanating from his lungs. Conversation was not on his list of priorities; his eyes were stinging and his head was busy. The day’s events coupled with his last conversation with Jess in the woods made everything seem muddled.

“Dad said you guys had a rough run today.” Carl mentioned.

“No more than usual I spose.” Daryl replied.

“Jess okay?”

Daryl looked up at the teenage boy, fresh faced and so young yet he had seen so much in his few years on the planet. He remembered that Jess and Carl got along well at the quarry but wasn’t aware that they were close anymore.

“Yeah, just walked her halfway home, she’s fine.” He answered. “Why?”

The ripping of paper and a happy giggle from the small child on Carl’s lap momentarily caught his attention.

“She’s my friend” He said simply while moving the book out of Judith’s destructive hands.

Daryl wasn’t surprised, it was easy to be friends with Jess as long as she allowed it. She was genuine and he could talk to her like he couldn’t talk to anyone else. Carl obviously thought the same.

“Yeah, me too.” He echoed thoughtfully.

“Daryl…” Carl started “…How do you fight for someone when they’re with somebody else?”

Confusion swept over Daryl’s face and he was baffled as to why Carl would ask him such a thing. Relationship advice was so far removed from Daryl’s talents that he was sure there was absolutely no point in him even answering. He was also inconvenienced and put-out by the question. But Carl’s face was pleading and a part of him was curious.

“You alright, kid?” He checked.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I just don’t know what to do.” Carl confessed. His head lowered and he gently combed through Judith’s hair as she leaned against his chest and settled down. Knowing he couldn’t just get up and leave and clearly able to see that something was bothering him, Daryl leaned forwards and braced his elbows on his knees. Rubbing his hands together, he prepared himself for what was a very uncommon occurrence to him. Even when he was a teenager himself advice was not something he ever dared to ask for, nor would he have received any in the first place.

“What’s goin’ on, Carl?”

“There’s a girl I like. Enid…”

Oh, Great. Daryl thought. Not exactly my forte.

He was busy wiping dust and dirt from his hands when Carl spoke, seemingly uninterested on the outside, until Carl continued to explain himself.

“…And I told Jess.” Then, Daryl looked sideways at him.

“Really.” He muttered.

“Yeah. She told me to talk to her. It must have worked because I think we’re friends now. We played video games and I made her laugh and Jess says it’s a good start.” He conveyed.

“I guess it is” Daryl agreed, casting his mind back to the Walker shooting competitions he’d had with Jess and how cute he thought she looked when she laughed bashfully at something he’d said.

“But she has this boyfriend. He hates me. Jess said I should show her that I would be a better boyfriend by being a good friend to her. She said I should do that because friends make better lovers.”

Daryl’s eyebrows shot up and he stared at Carl. This was a revelation in itself; Jess apparently thought that friends made the best lovers. It wasn’t what Daryl was expecting at all and a small part of him dared to allow a flicker of hope in. If she thought him to be a good friend to her, maybe there was a reason for him to entertain the feelings he had developed for her. But he was still unsure of what they were exactly.

“Oh, she said that, huh?” He inquired.

“Yup. But I asked her if that ever really happens, like, if it had ever happened to her.” Carl explained

“And has it?” Daryl questioned, a little too quickly and now leaning further towards him.

“She said no because she’s not the type of girl that guys want to date.”

It was interesting to say the least, Daryl never would have put Jess in such a box and the flutter of anger in his chest took him by surprise. He hated it when she sold herself short or put herself down, he just couldn’t see why she would, or why anyone would.

“Those guys would be idiots.” He mumbled to himself.

“That’s what I thought too. Jess is awesome.” Carl expressed.

Daryl nodded and caught the confused look on Carl’s face. It seemed Jess’s advice had done little other than to baffle him even more.

“I ain’t no expert on this, but maybe Jess is right.” He proposed

“Well, what would you do? Would you tell her?” Carl asked, now desperately digging for some kind of guidance to follow. Daryl wished he’d asked anyone else but him but if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have gathered such information about Jess. The question he was faced with was a tough one and one he really did not want to answer when he applied it to his own situation and the potential it presented. He cleared his throat, shifted uncomfortably in his seat and sighed, a soft growl emerging from his throat. He wasn’t getting out of this without giving something up.

“Ahh probably not” He disclosed, taking a glimpse to his side. Carl’s whole attention was fixed on him, as if he were going to give him all the answers. But Daryl did have the answers to his own situation. “Alright, um…I guess I’d just be her friend. Treat her good, do right by her. See what happens”

It was all he could give at that point, his own lack of dating experience and zero knowledge about how women worked would have only served to hinder Carl even more.

“Okay.” Carl agreed “But what would I have to do to make her think I treat her good?”

“Hell, I dunno, Carl. Ask Jess, she’s a girl.” Daryl scoffed.

“Right. Sure. Thanks, Daryl.” Carl accepted, giving up probing for pointers when it occurred to him that Daryl maybe wasn’t as clued up on the subject as he’d thought. He Lifted Judith up and the child flopped like a ragdoll as sleep took her. "Here, she's been asking for you" Carl said as he lowered her into Daryl's lap. 

*

A mandatory meeting had been called for all members of the community and Deanna arranged for everyone that wasn’t out on a run or on guard to be there. She used her front porch as a stage to announce that she would be holding a party for the town. Not only to welcome the newest members to the safe zone, but also to create a sense of togetherness and allow people to enjoy some of the things they may have missed from the way things were before. Jess felt nothing but a rising sense of dread at the idea and when she sneakily caught sight of Daryl through the crowd, she could sense the same apprehension in him too. Driving home her belief in enjoying the little things to boost morale, Deanna expressed that she expected that everyone who could attend, did so. Jess couldn’t bash her leadership and genuine concern for the people under her watch, agreeing with most of what was said. Happiness was important, especially considering how little there was left in the world. But enforced fun wasn’t everyone’s preference and Jess had two days to decide what she was going to do.

When the meeting was dismissed, people filtered out every which way and Jess hung back, peering at the crowd from under her hood when she spotted Eric shuffling along a few feet from her. She wound her way around the people in front and walked along next to him, unaware that behind her, Daryl had rounded the entire crowd and was wandering along behind them.

“Hey Parker. So, what do you think? You’re going, right?” Eric chirped, nudging her in the arm.

“Huh. No.” She scoffed from beneath her mask.

“Parker! It’s a party! None of us have had a party for a very long time. Please, go with Aaron and I” he pleaded

She shook her head quickly, not wanting to have to discuss her reasons why in the middle of so many people.

“Please. I know Aaron will want you to.” Eric urged. Jess stopped and faced him in the sea of people that milled around them.

“I promise…” She started, Eric’s face lit up prematurely “…to think about it, Eric.”

He rolled his eyes and linked his arm through hers, directing her to his house, where he knew Aaron would have something to say about it when he got back from recruiting.

 Seeing Jess amble away with her arm in Eric’s, Daryl spotted Rick heading back to the house and sped up to reach him. When Rick noticed his presence, he slowed his pace.

“Are you going?” He wanted to know.

“Nah. Ain’t my thing.” Daryl grunted. It really wasn’t. He’d felt like enough of an outsider at Alexandria as it was, preferring to spend his time outside the walls which so happened to be a blessing because Jess lived out there. The last thing he wanted to do was drop himself into a situation where he would be forced to make small talk with people he barely knew.

“Your thing doesn’t matter anymore. We should go. All of us.” Rick said sternly.

“I ain’t good at parties.” Daryl gruffed as he shoved his hands into his pockets like a moody teenager. 

“Daryl, you’re not good in any social situation. But we owe them this. We wouldn’t be living like we are now without Deanna, Aaron… and Jess. You should show your face at least.”

“Keep ya voice down.” He quickly hushed, looking around “She don’t want no one to her real name.”

“I know. Relax. No one can hear me. Hey…” he stopped and placed a hand on Daryl’s shoulder “… are you alright?”

“Yeah. M’fine.” Daryl brushed off.

No. I have these damn weird feelings for my best friend and it’s fucking me up.

Usually able to see through any lies like a pane of glass, Rick studied Daryl’s eyes and concluded that there could possibly be something playing on his mind, but if he was forced, he would close up and never tell him. So, he backed off and told himself that Daryl would go to him when he was ready, if there really was anything that wrong.

“OK.” He accepted “Just, go to the party. Please It’ll do you good.”

“I’ll think ‘bout it.” Daryl grumbled before surging past Rick and climbing the steps to the front porch of the house.

*

Early the next morning, Daryl watched the sun rise from the window ledge in the living room. The birds started singing before anyone but the guards started to mill about the streets. He found himself restless and consumed with too many thoughts to sleep. Every time he lay down and tried to relax, his time in the woods the previous night with Jess replayed in his memory. It was a strange notion to him that he would feel anything more than friendship towards anyone anymore, let alone allow himself to be so open with someone about how much he cared for them.

Movement from outside the window saw him look up and catch sight of Jess leaving the basement armory, pausing to strap a pistol holster to her leg at the top of the stairs. Her backpack was bulky and he remembered that It was the time she usually always went hunting. In order to do so, she never had a reason to visit Alexandria first and she certainly never felt the need to equip herself with a gun due to her proficiency with archery and her habitual use of a machete and knife. He got to his feet and plucked his leather vest from the coat stand by the door. Sliding it over his shoulders, he leaned down to collect his crossbow, checked he had his cigarettes and left the house.

In a deserted house at the end of the street, a mere ten houses away from Alexandria, Jess stood in front of a floor length mirror and clutched a red, skater dress with black, lace trim against her body. On the bed lay her nearly empty backpack and next to it, a pair of high-heeled, black ankle boots. She turned slightly, tilting her head for a different perspective of how the dress might look on her. She’d dug it out of the storage garage, from one of the bags they’d brought back from the Cherokee Club. It was a designer dress but she cared little for such things in the first place, let alone now the world had ended.

Her eyes lowered to the hem of the dress and she knew she needed a second opinion on the length of it. Too short and she would look like a lampshade, too long and she’d appear far too conservative.

This god damn party. She thought.

Then, something in the mirror caused her to grab her machete on her belt. A figure in the doorway. She whirled around and held up the huge blade, finding Daryl hovering in the doorway with his hands up in surrender.

“Easy” he soothed, noticing her increased breathing and panic slowly leaving her body.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” She sighed.

“Told the armory you were goin’ huntin’…this ain't huntin’.”

“Are you serious? You’re checking up on me? What are you, my parent now?!” She adopted a mocking tone of voice “don’t go out on runs, Jess. Don’t lie about going hunting, Jess.”

“Just makin’ sure you’re safe” He reasoned.

I’m annoyed at you but my god, you sweetheart.

“Can’t go anywhere without you.” She mumbled as she threw the dress down onto the bed. “Like a damn shadow”

Initially, he figured she was mad at him and thought he should just leave her to it, but then he realized she was only messing with him when she threw him a reluctant smile. He dug around in his pocket and threw a packet of peanuts at her. She caught them, thankful for the offer of a second breakfast and eagerly ripped them open, throwing one after the other in her mouth and giving him a thumbs up in thanks. He stepped into the room and leaned against the wall.

“Talked to Carl last night when I got back.” he mentioned. 

She hummed at him with her mouth full. At the time, it was the only way of her acknowledging his statement.

“Told me you’re helpin’ him out with Enid.”

She swallowed and ran her tongue around her teeth.

“Trying to.” She said “I’m hardly the oracle of love and relationships. Far from it actually. Take it he asked your advice too?”

“Mmhmm.”

“What did you tell him?”

“Same as you really. That he should be her friend. Treat her good. See what happens.”

“Not bad advice if I say so myself.”

“He wanted to know how to do that. I kinda told him he should ask you.” He shrugged like it was nothing.

“What?! Daryl! Why?” She exclaimed, flopping down onto the bed and blowing the front of her hair up in exasperation

“I dunno, you’re a girl!” He proclaimed. Jess threw her hands up, palms to the ceiling as if she was already completely lost.

“Last time I checked I was but I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I know more about quantum physics than this stuff.” She fretted. It was true. Jess was by no means an expert on relationships and she had simply been trying to help a teenager experiencing his first episode of what was commonly known as the ‘school boy crush’. She didn’t see it as that serious, although she understood it was to him, and never expected things to get this far. If only she’d told the kid to keep his mouth shut.

“Well, what would you want if it was you?” Daryl tested. It was a risky move and one that could have backfired, but under the guise of helping Carl, Daryl could very well have been about to find out what Jess wanted from a friendship that could blossom into something more. For a few uneasy seconds, all he got back was a downright blank stare.

Help. Someone help me. Jess thought. 

“Uh…” She stammered, her hands and arms were suddenly everywhere, tapping her leg, wringing in her lap, playing with the bracers on her wrists. “…I’d want somebody to make me feel like I was important. Like, um… they like being around me and make time for me. I’d want someone I can have fun with and doesn’t care about all my quirks and faults. Someone thoughtful and who’s rooting for me and takes care of me.” She swallowed hard and cursed herself for getting so flustered and not obscuring her burning cheeks with her mask. “If there was a chance of being more than friends, I guess I’d want to know that they find me attractive too.”

She slowly looked up at Daryl. He was looking right at her and hadn’t moved a muscle the whole time she was speaking.

“That’s exactly what you tell him.” Was all he said. To Jess, they weren't just talking about Carl and she wondered if there might be a flicker of the same intent in Daryl.

I did. I just told him. I told you. Now, you know.

Jess just shook her head, becoming slightly irritated that she’d got herself into such a situation. “I don’t have the experience to give advice about this. I’ve never dated or had a relationship. It’s…it’s bullshit” She admitted.

“That ’cause you ain’t the type that guys date?” He shot at her. Her head snapped around and she gawped at him. Carl had told him that too?!

“That’s right” She confirmed through her teeth. “Probably my complete lack of allure.”

He moved further into the room, sitting next to her on the bed with his vision cast down at the floor.

“Most guys are idiots anyways” He said softly and she knew he was trying to make her feel better. If it was anyone else, she would have felt patronized and offended. But there was something in the way Daryl did it that set him apart from everyone else. “But any of ‘em would be lucky to have you.”

It was the sweetest thing she’d ever heard him say. The defensive side in Jess tried to make her believe he was just lying to save her feelings. That it was just a careless, throwaway comment that he didn’t really mean. But Daryl didn’t care for dishonesty just to give someone a confidence boost. He spoke to her in a way that was different to anyone else, he laughed with her, made time for her, made her feel important, was on her side and was fiercely protective of her. He ticked all the boxes and as he sat there beside her with his calloused hands on his knees, he became the first guy she’d ever liked to have said, and meant, something so profound to her. She wasn’t fool enough to believe he meant it as anything more than a friendly nudge to someone he cared about, but a smile crept across her face nevertheless and she watched him look at the floor, no doubt worrying about the reaction he was about to receive.

“Thank you” she whispered to him. He gradually met her gaze, seeing her wide grin. Satisfaction and relief washed over him. She’d taken it well and now she was aware that he thought a lot more of her than she gave herself credit for.

“Y’know…” He started “...I guess I ain't the type of guy that girls date.”

There. It was out. He’d said it. Knowing her lack of history in the same department had given him a shove and urged him to offer up his own, very similar admission. Now her expression changed to one of puzzlement. He wasn’t getting out of this one without explaining himself.

“W-what?” She croaked, her eyebrows knitted together and her lips parted. “You’ve never had a girlfriend?”

“No”

“Why?!” She asked thoughtlessly, totally shocked and quickly realizing that if she didn’t tone it down, she could offend him. “I’m sorry. I mean…you’re…uh…” The hole she was digging for herself was growing rapidly by the second and all she could do to stop herself was to gesture to him with her hands, drawing two lines in the air from top to bottom. “…you.”

“What does that mean?” He smirked

“Just that you must have had interest.”

Nice. Good save, Jess. She thought.

“Not really”

“C’mon, that’s a flat out lie. You must have.”

On the inside, Daryl was fighting an internal war over whether he should just tell her the entire truth or just some of it. Her lack of judgement on the subject and his trust in her meant he had very little worry about being ridiculed or thought of as strange and if he couldn’t tell the closest person to him about such things, then what was the point in having her as a friend at all?

“OK, yeah. But mainly just strippers and barflies. Was never interested in that shit. There was a girl at high school too. And uh, and you don’t really wanna know all this.” He dismissed, suddenly hating the sound of his own voice.

“I do” She insisted. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me but I am curious”

Curious. She was curious about him and his past. No one had ever shown such interest in him before and the act of sharing such information felt totally alien and strange. But he loved the look of wonder and fascination in her eyes and he didn’t want it to stop.

“K. Um, was like she just came outta nowhere. Never seen her before. Started talkin’ to me in the hall one day. I was a loner, nobody ever talked to me. So, I thought she was pretty weird at first. Then, she started sittin’ with me at lunch n’ we started hangin’ out outside school.”

Jess was enthralled, her body now facing him with her leg bent under her on the bed. Her mouth was partially open, as if she’d forgotten to keep control over her facial expression because the story she was hearing was much more worthy of her attention. Mimicking her relaxed body language on the bed of the deserted house, with clothes littered on the floor and bloodstains on the walls, Daryl leaned back on one elbow and picked at a hole in the pink quilt cover as he spoke. Jess couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Everything had gone from extremely awkward, to totally relaxed and she wanted to sit there all day with him, she wondered if he would agree if she asked.

“We used to go to the liquor store, steal some booze n’ go get drunk in the park. I didn’t have no friends or nothin’, just Merle. So, it was good to have her around. Then she um, she kissed me n’ it just…fucked everythin’ up.”

She startled as if the last sentence had slapped her across the face. She blinked and made a rolling motion with her hands, urging him to finish the story.

“You can’t just leave it there! Why?” She demanded. “Did you not like her like that?”

“I did” He nodded “Yeah, I did. I just didn’t know what the hell I was s’posed to do ‘bout it. Had no one to go to. Not like I was gonna ask Merle. Naw, this girl, she deserved better than me. So, I backed off n’ she got all upset n’ shit. After that, I tried to talk to her at school, but she just looked straight through me, like I wasn’t even there. Never spoke to her again. Never liked nobody since.”

There was a loud sigh from Jess, like she’d just finished watching the emotional end of a soap opera. She gave him a sympathetic smile and he dipped his head, huffing quietly and attempting to stop himself from feeling exposed and embarrassed about his most honest and revealing of stories. Jess wanted to tell him how gorgeous he was when he was shy, but she kept it to herself and the two of them remained in an uneasy quiet for a few moments until Jess managed to find something to say.

“I like it when you tell me stories.”

It was like he raised his head in slow motion a disbelieving look in his eye and his eyebrow slightly raised.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“Yeah” She responded. “As sad as that one turned out to be.”

“S’pathetic” He scoffed.

“No. No it’s not. What did she look like?”

To Jess’s delight, he scooted back further on the bed and brought his legs up, crossing them loosely in front of him. He was certainly getting comfortable, which she could only assume meant he had no plans to desert the discussion and leave her. However, her question seemed to bother him and she could tell he tried to answer by the breath he drew in and the parting of his lips. But he stopped and she heard the words catch in his throat. She toyed with the idea of telling him it didn’t matter, that she didn’t need to know, but she really did and her delay in speaking meant he eventually got there first.

“You. She looked like you.”

Her mouth dropped into an ‘O’ and she sat back, speechless.

“S’a compliment” He felt the need to add.

“It is!” She blurted out. “It…really is.”

Realizing she still had half a bag of peanuts next to her, she quickly picked them up and placed them on the bed between them, hoping that the gesture would distract him from her obvious shock. He simply glanced down at them before returning his focus to her face, the corners of his mouth lifted into a smug smile.

For some reason unbeknownst to her, Jess hazarded a flirtatious gesture that she executed without giving it a second thought. Maybe it was the confidence that him disclosing something so personal to him gave her, maybe it was the compliment that the one girl he liked in his life looked like her, or maybe it was just sheer mindlessness but the lopsided wink she shot at him couldn’t have gone down in a worse way and when she was right in the middle of it, she scolded herself for her sheer impulsivity.

Daryl stared at her before he released a laugh that he just couldn’t hold back anymore. Jess’s face burned with an inferno of regret.

“What was that?” He chuckled.

She covered her face with her hands, rocking back on the bed. Her head hit the dusty pillows and she groaned with the painful image of how it must have looked to him.

“I think I just had a stroke” She muffled through her hands, hearing his gravelly laugh once more.

She lifted her head back up and completely avoided his eyes. When he stopped laughing, he noticed how her face had reddened, much worse than he’d ever seen it before.

“You’re blushin’” He commented.

“Yeah, thanks for that.” She complained sarcastically, flicking her fingers at the bag of peanuts between them. “Eat some fucking peanuts and shut up.”

This is awkward. So, so awkward. Why did I do that? WHY?!

“So, you goin’?” He asked, aiding her with a change in subject

She knew he was referring to Deanna’s party and after her last embarrassing moment she was sure the whole thing was likely to be a disaster if she did attend. But she did promise Eric she would think about it.

“I don’t know. I don’t have anything to wear and I’m not good around that many people.”

“Same.” He agreed, happy that she shared the same anxiety as him.

“You’re not going?” She asked.

“Rick wants me to. Ain’t decided.”

“Eric wants me to go. For Aaron.” She mentioned with a roll of her eyes “I’ve not decided either. Nothing like being guilt tripped into unwanted social interaction.”

“Ain't that the truth.” Daryl muttered before nodding to the discarded dress on the bed “you don’t like it?”

“I like it. It probably won’t like me. I’ll look stupid.”

He wanted to tell her it wouldn’t look anywhere near stupid. That in fact, he wanted to say it would look great on her but he couldn’t gauge the effect his words would have on her after such a deep exchange between them. She snatched the dress and boots and stuffed them into her backpack which lay on the bed.

“Just wear it” He instructed.

She stared at him, trying to read what he really meant with such a short, abrupt sentence. His tone was mixed and hurried and he rubbed at his slightly greying beard, looking away and then back again, obviously uncomfortable.

“What will you wear?” She wanted to know.

“Same thing I always do.”

“So, you are going.”

“I dunno. Maybe I’ll go, if you do.” He proposed.

The light returned back to her face and she giggled, shuffling from the bed and collecting her bag. As much as she would have stayed there with him for hours, she had things to do if she was expected to attend a party wearing a dress for the first time since she was 6 and went to Chuck E. Cheese.

“I’d love to stay here and listen to you tell me another story, but I have things I need to do.” She said reluctantly.

“You got a mirror so ya can practice that wink?” He teased, grabbing the bag of peanuts and stuffing them in his mouth, smiling as he chewed. Jess stilled and glared at him with her mouth open.

“I hate you.” She told him.

He shook his head and chewed noisily. “Naw, you don’t.” He argued with his mouth full.

“Fine” She spat “I hate that I don’t hate you. See you at the party.”

With that, she stormed off, leaving Daryl chuckling quietly to himself. He watched her from the window as she left the house and crossed the street and it dawned on him that they’d been holed up in the bedroom of the house for almost an hour. The time had passed so quickly that it felt more like ten minutes. Time flew when he was with her because he could truly be himself and that was yet another reason why he just could not fathom why no one else had appreciated her like he could. She stopped at the side of the road and equipped her hood and mask and even though her disguise was on, Daryl knew who she really was. He also knew that what he felt for her was teetering dangerously close to something more than a friendship. That was if it hadn't already tipped the balance. 

*

Back at Alexandria, Aaron was back from his recruiting run and was unpacking his truck in front of the house. It wasn’t unreasonable to assume that he had already been informed of the party by Eric and given a run down of how Jess refused to attend and then halfheartedly said she’d think about it.

As soon as Jess stepped through the gate, she spotted him and gripped the handle of her backpack at her shoulder. She pursed her lips, checked her mask was in place and set off in his direction.

“This stupid party” she grumbled with a stamp of her foot.

Aaron, who was dragging a bag out from the passenger seat, spun around with a bright smile on his face.

“You’re going?! Oh, that’s great!” he cried. Jess quickly held up an index finger, silencing him and maintaining control of the situation.

“No. No I didn’t say that.” She corrected sternly.

“OK” He laughed “Then what are you saying?” he flicked his head in the direction of his front porch and she followed after him when he moved towards it and dropped the bag on the steps.

“That I’m thinking about it. I have- I have issues.” She admitted.

“Issues?” he questioned

“What to wear. I’m not good at being a girl. I'm a crappy girl. I-I don’t know how to do the party thing and I have this dress. The last time I wore a dress I was six years old and I ripped it when I was running around Chuck E. Cheese like a maniac. Daryl thinks I should wear it but he’s a redneck biker so I need another opinion.”

Aaron didn’t bother to hide his amusement at her predicament and in a way, he’d almost expected it. He could tell from her usual attire that she wasn’t the princess type but for one night and one night only, he was sure that with the combined efforts of him and Eric, they could transform her and maybe even convince her to leave her mask out of the equation.

“A gay opinion?” he queried. 

“Two gay opinions" She requested "Please"

“Absolutely” He beamed. “Come on in.”

--- tagged as requested ---

if you want to be included, let me know.

@lilred254​

[txladyj-blog]

Chapter 13 - This Time Around

A Daryl Dixon x OFC collaboration written by @xmistressmistrustx​ by request of @txladyj-blog​

Rating: Explicit

Relationship: Daryl Dixon/Original Female Character

Tags: Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Awkwardness, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Crush, Fluff and Humor, Angst and Humor, Mild Smut, Strong Language, Eventual Sex, Eventual Romance, Slow Burn, Canon Divergence, Some Canon Scenes and Dialogue

Chapters 20/?

She could see the light of the moon reflected in his eyes as she stared at him on the porch of his house. It was the middle of the night and she should have been asleep in her fairground fortress but instead, she was standing before Daryl wishing the fury was not fixed on his face as stubbornly as it appeared. Her heart was hammering and her palms were clammy inside her gloves.

“What the hell did you just say?!” He demanded.

Her throat dried up and her words came out as a mere croak, she couldn’t speak properly, couldn’t think straight. He wasn’t asking her to repeat herself, he’d heard her perfectly well, his question was one of disbelief if anything else.

“It-it’s me…Jess.” She whispered. She slowly removed her hood and lowered her mask, finally revealing her face and stepping closer, further into the light from the living room window.

Daryl’s face only grew angrier and more twisted with hurt and betrayal and Jess felt as though her stomach were harboring bricks. She wanted to backtrack, to tell him that it was all some elaborate hoax but that would have made him equally as irate. He inched closer to her, squinting and letting his eyes drag down her body and back up to her nervous face. She swallowed hard.

“What the fuck?!” He spat “All this time…all this time?”

“Yes.” She uttered.

“How could you do this to me?” He asked quietly at first, but with every word, the volume of his voice increased as did Jess’s anxiety “Huh? You think you can just come clean n’ I’ll just forgive ya for bein’ a fuckin’ liar?! Just like that?!”

“I-”

“You bailed! You bailed on me, on all of us and now I find out you’ve been walkin’ ‘round here in this damn Halloween costume the whole time!”

Jess tried to speak, tried to reason with him and explain that she hadn’t planned any of it. She hadn’t planned to find him in the woods with follow him to Terminus, she hadn’t planned to arrange to bring them back here and she also hadn’t planned to be unable to stay away from him. She needed to keep one eye on him, because she still cared about him. So many things to say emerged at a small whimper as tears stung her eyes.

“We were ‘sposed to be friends, Jess.” He stated, now with a calmer rage than before. “But you ain’t no friend of mine. Not after ya left n’ then lied to me when we had a chance to go back to how we were.”

“You’re not innocent either.” She tried. “Please, just let me explain.” She begged.

“Ain’t nothin’ for ya to explain. When ya took me for a damn fool, ya only proved you’re more stupid than ya thought I was. Stay the hell away from me.”

With that, he flung the door open and Jess winced when it was slammed in her face, leaving her alone on the front porch. A loud sob wracked her body, her shoulders sagged and her knees gave way, her body thudding onto the wooden surface. Her hands covered her face, tears pooling around her fingers before racing down her hands, more and more of them pouring from her eyes while her mind flashed back to the Quarry. He threw her a pack of Pens from the RV. He taught her to kill a Walker. He implied her cared about her when she asked him why. With every memory came yet more salty tears and somehow, she wasn’t on the porch anymore. She was thrashing about in icy water, her arms flailing around her and trying to gain some traction to keep her head above the surface. On the shore she could see Daryl, still and watching her. Beside him were baskets of clothes for washing and beating against the rocks. There was a slope, an RV parked at the top. Her lungs filled with water when she began to tire, splutters and coughs did little to alleviate the pressure in her chest.

“D-Daryl” She gasped.

But she was sinking, the Quarry was gone and so was Daryl all that was left was the bottomless blackness and tremendous fear as the last breath of air left her lips.

* * * * * * 

Jess jolted up from her pillow, her hair stuck to her sweat covered face and her chest rising and falling rapidly. She scanned the room in a panic, her hands shooting out and grasping at the sheets either side of her legs. They were real, it was all real and she was alive. She’d been dreaming. Just a dream. Her skin was burning with the adrenaline that was charging through her veins but also from the heat of the room which was acting like an oven. She figured it was considerably later than she usually woke and the sun was much higher in the sky. She raked her fingers through her hair, removing the strands stuck to her face with perspiration.

“Oh, hot damn.” She panted “It’s hotter than a preacher’s knee in here.”

The Morning light slithered through the gaps in the boards on the windows. The sun was unforgiving from mid-morning until well into the afternoon and she preferred to have been out and well into hunting by now. If it hadn’t been for Rick’s group showing up and Daryl walking back into her life, Jess would have gone back to the boat to spend the summer there. A vacation she thought she deserved but would now not be able to take. She sat herself up in bed and picked up a knife from the wooden, vegetable crate nightstand and turned it over in her hands, admiring the glint of the metal when the sunlight hit it. The knife Daryl gave her at the quarry. The knife she used for her first Walker kill. It held so much sentiment, so many memories and with those, a sense of desperate despair for something she lost but never really had in the first place.

She hardly ever used the knife anymore. It lived in her utility belt but was rarely brought out into the light of day unless she had no other choice. She leaned across her bed, dropping it onto her pile of clothes. She would wear it that day, the same as every other. But this time it would feel like it was burning a hole in her belt. It could be the crux, the thing that could spur her on to tell Daryl the truth. Or so she hoped. But if she decided against it, she didn’t have to use it. Her dream had set her back and made her doubt her intentions. There was every possibility that Daryl would react in the worst possible way and a niggling voice at the back of her mind told her that she deserved no less, that it would be a disaster and she was better off sneaking off into the shadows and staying out of his way. In her subconscious, she clearly thought that his anger would be justified and she was on the path to losing him forever.

But the idea of telling him the truth wouldn’t leave her mind, even as she went about her morning, getting dressed and making black coffee. She needed more powdered milk. Maybe she would see Daryl if she went to the pantry, maybe she wouldn’t. Should she seek him out, or leave things to fate? Fate hadn’t always been kind to her but surely, she’d earned a break.

* * * * * 

As luck (or fate) would have it, Jess came across Daryl on her morning hunt. She caught sight of one, toned, bare arm through the trees and crept forwards until she could see him sitting on the floor with his back against a fallen trunk, a cigarette resting between his lips while his hands checked over his crossbow. It was starkly obvious he felt more comfortable outside the walls and he appeared pensive, deep in thought, maybe even sorrowful. She stepped out of her hiding place and he quickly raised his crossbow, the mechanism inside clicking with the movement. Jess held up her empty hands in surrender.

No one spoke as she stood over him but eyes were connected and she liked that he no longer become as hostile towards her, despite her sometimes standoffish attitude. She hadn’t had a weapon pointed in her direction by him for some time and concluded that was a triumph in itself. He got up and dusted his jeans down before collecting his crossbow.

“Mornin’.” he grumbled.

He shot her an uneasy look, as if he didn’t know what to say, his greeting rendered a lie by the tone of his voice. While he wasn’t hostile as such, she could tell that he was put out by her mere presence and that she still annoyed him. She gathered she’d intruded into what was his thinking time. He turned his back, dirty angel wings ready to vanish into the trees.

“Morning. How’s the hunt?” She asked.

“How’s it look to you, Robin Hood?” He snapped, stopping and standing sideways. “Every time I turn around, ya there. Can’t even think without you showin’ up. You keep to the left side; I’ll keep to the right.” He finished his cigarette and flicked it into the undergrowth.

Jess flapped her arms by her sides. It seemed on that particular morning he was still hostile and it was apparent that she could never actually be sure which Daryl she would get on any given day.

“You and Merle are two peas in a pod” She sighed under her breath as she whirled around and made tracks to the ‘left side’ of Alexandria, her ‘side’ that meant he wouldn’t have to see or speak to her while they hunted. At least she would be able to keep an eye out for Enid and maybe even Carl if he was still chasing girls through the woods. It looked as though her knife would stay in its sheath for another day, Daryl’s mood was not one she wanted to worsen and she was more than aware that her revelation might do just that.

“The hell did you just say?”

His voice shot through her head like a bullet and after an initial split second of wondering what he was referring to, her legs suddenly felt like jelly and her stomach filled with bile. It was the same question from her dream…and she had just mentioned his brother’s name. Something she never would have known if she really was a stranger to him.

SHIT.

Her eyes focused on the muddy ground before her, the faded footprints from Daryl’s boots where he’d trudged through earlier than she’d arrived. Her vision lifted to the dense trees ahead and her eyelids slowly closed. She tried to take a breath but her entire chest began to shake, the simple act of an inhalation was now ten times more difficult than usual. She was drowning, just like in her dream.

“Hey!” he shouted. “I’m talkin’ to you! How d'ya know my brother's name?!”

It wasn’t a dream. It was a premonition.

Inch by inch, her body rotated and she found herself faced with a furious and baffled expression that made her panic. He’d closed some of the distance between them, now nearer to her than she’d expected. She searched the corners of her mind to try and come up with a way to deal with the situation in the calm and collection manner she’d become accustomed to. Time passed, she didn’t know how much but Daryl was appearing increasingly annoyed at her lack of response and she concluded that ultimately, the only way out of this was to come clean and to do it with some semblance of confidence. She gradually swept her long coat to one side, revealing her knife holster on her belt. Her fingers plucked the fastening open and she took hold of the blade, flinching when Daryl’s crossbow swept up and he aimed at her head. Jess’s brain went into overdrive.

Say you just knew his brother from somewhere. No, that won’t work. He will want to know how you know it’s Merle. You can’t tell more lies. More lies mean falling deeper and deeper into this deception and it will only get worse. But he’s going to hate you. Not that he cares about you anyway. Or, does he? Do you care about him? Of course, you do, or you’d be at the boat right now. You have no choice. You’re backed into a corner. Do it. Tell him.

She held up her free hand, signaling that she meant no harm and that he should let her continue. Evidently, there was still little trust between them because Daryl lowered the weapon but didn’t disarm himself completely. His finger was still planted firmly on the trigger as he held the bow at his side.

She slid the blade from the leather and her fingers clasped the cool metal of the sharp edge. Holding it aloft, she felt her eyes begin to sting.

“Do- do you remember this?” She asked with a croak. Any attempt to appear composed and confident was fading and fast. What she felt inside was a world away from the boldness with which she wanted to present herself. Below the surface, she was a scared little girl about to confess to the biggest lie she’d ever told to a person that had become important to her regardless of him treating her heart as though it was as empty and worthless as yesterdays can of beans. Whatever her reasons for such a deception, her dream had been a warning of the chance that Daryl would never forgive her.

His brow furrowed as his eyes zoned in on the knife’s handle. He instantly recognized it. Jess could tell, it was written all over his face when it crumpled and he blinked a few times like the sight would morph and change and it’d all be a big mistake.

“I told you an old friend taught me how to fight. He meant a lot to me.” She confessed.

She reached up and pulled her mask away before pushing her hood down. The sunlight hit her hair like a heater, the rays gracing her face and lighting up her skin. It was the first time she’d revealed her true self to anyone since she’d arrived, aside from when Carl had guessed and even then, she kept her disguise in place. It had to be Daryl. He had to be the first to see the face behind the mask because she wanted him to.

She could see the penny drop as he recognized her, his body recoiling in defense and his mouth dropping open.

“Hi” She uttered. “Stinky.”

Her voice was carried on the breeze and now he could hear her as clear as the day. It was Jess’s voice. The woman stood before him wearing elaborate, modified and impressive body armor, the woman who was abrupt, harsh and unapproachable, the mystery woman that he couldn’t get out of his head… was Jess, all along. He’d thought about her every day since she left. Even all those months later she still occupied his musings and he had no idea that she was right in front of him since he left Terminus.

“J-Jess?” He croaked

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Fuck.” He spat upon the exhalation of a breath of disbelief “Fuck.”

Jess swallowed hard when it occurred to her that his reaction was the one that she’d expected the least. She re-holstered the knife that had started it all. The first weapon she’d acquired in the apocalypse and the one that got her through the woods and on her way to her city apartment. The knife he’d given her and made her keep. He blinked rapidly through bloodshot eyes and began to scan the ground, stepping one way, then the other before stopping altogether. Jess held her breath.

Oh, lord.

He ran at her, crashing into her body and forcing her to take a stabilizing step back. A cloud of dust kicked up from the ground where his boots had skidded along the dirt. She thought she felt the exact moment when her heart snapped into two, useless pieces; it was when he whimpered against her shoulder and held onto her so tightly it was as if he was convinced that she would dissipate into nothing in his arms. Initially, she froze and her whole body turned to stone. But the more he clung to her the more her arms lifted slowly and she wrapped her fingers around his shoulder and bicep. Touching him for the first time.

“I thought…” she heard him breathe jaggedly “… thought you were dead”

Unable to speak, she said nothing but felt everything so vividly, the guilt was choking her. She closed her eyes, pushing tears from under the lids. They streamed down her face. She kept telling herself that he led her on and hurt her and that he was lying to her the whole time at the quarry, but it did nothing to quell the biting regret she endured for leaving it this long to reveal who she was.

“Ohmygod” he rasped into the shoulder of her coat. His grip on her was so tight she could feel the desperation seeping from his body into hers.

His fingers were holding her hair in a fist where it pooled in her hood and he was doing the same with a handful of fabric from the back of her coat with his other hand. He had her in a vice like, white knuckle grasp and in that moment, she didn’t want to be anywhere else.

He dropped his arms, lifting his head and looked right at her, tears staining his own cheeks as he furiously bit down on his lower lip. She heard his breath catch in his throat and he stepped back, then forward again and rested his head on her shoulder. She reached up, threading her hands into his hair on either side of his head as she watched his body convulse with each breath. She had never touched him this much before, never felt his arms around her and never been able to get so close. It didn’t feel alien, like it was an out of place or new experience. It felt right. As if it was the right thing to do.

Suddenly he tore away from her, wiping at his eyes with the backs of his hands. Seeing him cry was like taking a razor to her own throat, unbearable guilt and pain raged in her chest.

Stop crying. Please. I wasn’t expecting this. I can’t take it.

His back was facing her and she quickly rid her face of her own tears with the back of her glove. She waited without a word for him to pull himself together, because as something clicked in her head, she realized she knew exactly what he was doing. She prepared herself for the point where relief turned to rage.

“You been lyin’ to me all this time” she heard him mumble before he tilted his head to the sun, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “So, you just bail with no goodbye, then show up over a year later with this cloak n’ dagger shit n’ ya don’t think that maybe I’d wanna know it was you?!”

“I’m telling you now.” She uttered.

“I been here for six fuckin’ weeks, Jess!” He shouted, whirling around and glaring at her with a fury she had anticipated with dread. Jess wasn’t even worried about the potential danger from nearby Walkers attracted to the noise, figuring that Daryl would probably welcome it as a way of venting some of his frustration. She could also use an outlet of some kind. “You been talkin’ to me as if ya don’t even know me! You think I’m some kinda fuckin’ idiot?! Huh?!” He yelled.

“No” she shook her head. “That’s not what-”

“-Ya owe me an explanation here, this is fucked, Jess. It’s fucked!”

“I don’t owe you shit” she hissed out of nowhere. Her own anger was now presenting itself and her defenses were well and truly up. In her dream, she’d done nothing but let him vent in front of her as the Quarry camp Jess would have done. But she’d changed, evolved and built herself up along with constructing her own kingdom and methods of surviving.  

Daryl scoffed and shook his head at her, unable to believe what he was seeing and hearing. The sweet girl from the quarry camp was right there in front of him. The girl he’d thought about every day since she left. The girl he tried to find on two occasions. She was there, only she wasn’t. Not really.

“Who the hell are you? You ain’t the Jess I used to know” he spat.

“I guess all the bullshit just made me stronger.” She mumbled, the confidence she’d tried to display at the start now creeping back. “I didn’t mean to deceive you like I did.” She began to move off, away from him, mapping her escape. “I’d appreciate it if you let me tell the others, in my own time”  

“Fine. I’ll keep your secret. But I deserve to know what the hell happened with us n’ why ya just left me” He demanded.

Jess raised both eyebrows and blinked slowly at the prospect of explaining everything to him. Figuring that if he didn’t already know what he’d done, she wasn’t about to spell it out to him.

“There was no ‘us’ and I didn’t leave you, there was nothing for me to leave.” She reminded him.

“We were ‘sposed to be friends.” He pointed out

“No, we weren’t.” came her stern correction.

She swiped at another stray tear, lifted her hood and mask and removed herself from the situation, leaving Daryl with his rage in the woods.

He didn’t return to Alexandria until dusk that day, staying out in the wilderness to gather his thoughts which were marred with questions and confusion. He couldn’t make sense of any of it. She was the only person that he ever felt a connection to, he still didn’t know the reason why but the fact that she’d been running through his mind for so long, even during her absence proved that she meant something to him. Now, she was different. Her eyes were the same and so was her voice but her body had changed, she was stronger, leaner, more agile. He wondered when her soul had changed, why he was no longer important to her. If he even mattered to her in the first place.

* * * * * 

When the sun was going down, a single flare floated up into the sky, leaving a thin trail of red smoke behind it. Jess heard the crack from inside her diner abode where she had spent the day raging at herself for being unable to stop crying and thinking of nothing but Daryl. How she’d hurt him. How he’d hurt her. She supposed they were even, if it worked that way. She didn’t want to think about how stoic she’d have to seem when she next saw him, especially if it involved other people.

The noise startled her. Loud, almost like a gunshot but right above the building. She checked through the gap between the board and window frame, nothing. A regular, early evening rustling of the trees and a darkening of the woods beyond the fairground. She padded across the room, her bare feet sinking into the thick rug and unlatched the many locks on the door. She ducked her head out of the doorway, squinting up at the sky.

What the hell is…?

Her shoulders tensed and she breathed a deep breath. Alexandria was in trouble.

It wasn’t until the carnage was over that Jess found out what happened behind the walls. Someone had died in their home, turned and managed to break free, infecting everyone they came across and spreading death faster than anyone could have predicted.

Barreling through the gates, she took in the scene before her. To her left, Deanna and some of Rick’s group were ushering the townsfolk into the church to keep them together and safe. People were screaming and crying, holding onto their families tightly and shielding their eyes from the dead people wandering the street. To her right, Abraham was slashing his way through three Walkers with nothing but a metal pipe and a cigar clenched between his teeth. Ahead of her, Rick and Michonne were working together to kill everything dead that emerged from between the houses. Glenn was behind them, tackling his own assailant. At the opposite end of the street, Jess could see Carol, checking the houses for anyone hiding and shining a flashlight through windows. She sprinted ahead, passing Rick and giving him a quick nod with her bow aimed and ready in her hands. She slowed and took heed of the numbers around her. Three with Abraham, three emerging from each side with Michonne and Rick, one with Glenn, none with Carol. Deciding to sweep the perimeter, she ducked down a walkway at the side of Ricks home. Wishing the light was better, she crept along in pursuit of a snarling noise and when the smell hit her, her throat tensed. It was close. She backed against the house, edging closer to the corner where the Walker was dwelling. As she flung herself around the corner and went to release her arrow, she was beaten to it by a bolt flying in her direction. It hit the dead female with a splat and floored her instantly.

Daryl was striding at her, grabbing her arm and bundling her back around the corner. His fingers dug into her arm which would have caused a certain amount of pain had she not been clad in Kevlar.

“You OK?” He asked.

“I’m fine. I just got here. How many more are there?” She said, peering up at him in the shadows over her mask.

“You shouldn’t be here. Go stay with the others in the church.” He ordered, quickly craning his neck around the corner of the building and checking the coast was clear.

“Oh. I see. Now you know who I am, I must need saving. Just like before.” She remarked.

“What? No. It’s just…we got this. You don’t need to be here.” He reasoned.

Jess stared at him, unable to fathom how she automatically had to be vulnerable and in peril because she was the fat nerd from the quarry camp. He’d seen her fight, he’d seen the change in her, yet he had dropped into protective mode nevertheless.

“How noble of you. Protecting the poor, incapable nerd.” She spat.

“What?” He asked. Not only because he didn’t hear her, but also because his attention wasn’t on her, it was on Carol, Rick and Michonne in the street, putting down the last of the Walkers.

“You didn’t hear me? I said fuck you.” Jess proclaimed. She ripped her arm from his grip before charging off and following the dark path around the wall.

Having to stop and calm herself after her confrontation with Daryl, she sank against the side of Deanna’s house and tilted her head up to the sky, closing her eyes and attempting to regain some control over her breathing. She knew she’d overreacted as soon as her heart rate began to settle and her body loosened up. But she still couldn’t believe how he’d jumped straight into protective mode when he’d seen, first hand how she could handle herself. It was like he still saw her as the old Jess. The ‘Little, fat chick’ as Merle had named her.

She was shoved off balance, saved only by her leg stomping on the grass and preventing her from plummeting to the floor. Hands grappled with her body, clawing feverishly with bloodied teeth gnashing at her throat. Her hands quickly raised, grabbing the dead man’s throat and pushing him back with all her might but the warmth in his skin told her he was recently deceased and therefore, stronger than some of the other Walkers. She recognized the crazed face and the cloudy eyes that gawped at her with such hunger. It was the man that lived next door to Aaron and Eric. He had two teenage sons. Having to think quickly, she heaved at his throat with all her might, letting out a loud grunt. He stumbled back long enough for her to snatch the knife Daryl gave her from her belt and slam it into his temple. The noise was sickening, an almighty crack that echoed from the towns walls and the side of the house. The man slumped forwards, pinning her to the wooden slats of the wall and dribbling blood down her clothes. But Jess didn’t care, she tugged the knife out and stayed there with the Walker laying on her, her knife at her side, pooling blood on the floor while her chest rose and fell and her forehead glistened with sweat.

When Alexandria finally became quiet again and Rick was sure there were no stragglers, he re-grouped everyone outside his house. Daryl stood beside Carol and flickered his eyes up to where Jess stood, thinking she wouldn’t notice his subtle observations. But she felt every glimpse like it was a sledgehammer. She knew he’d picked up on the blood on her clothes and hands due to a lack of gloves. Jess remained indifferent and on the sidelines, she was neither a part of Rick’s group or Alexandria’s. She marched to her own band now but decided to stick around and see if she could be of any more help.

Surprising everyone by not being present in the church with everyone else, Carl ran up to his father from inside the house and flung his arms around him. Jess wondered how Rick kept his temper with such a spirited and adventurous son to keep safe as well as a baby.

First I find him outside the walls and now he’s not even in the church. Like hollerin' down a well telling this kid what to do. Jess thought.

“I’ve asked Deanna to keep everyone on lockdown until we can move some of the bodies.” Rick announced after briefly scolding his son for disobeying him.

Carl caught Jess’s eye and mouthed something to her. She knew what it was, there was no mistaking it. 

‘Tell them. Please.’

Keeping up an act was already becoming exhausting and emotionally taxing and that was without Carl’s stubborn streak. Daryl also knew now and that meant her anonymous days were numbered. She hated the thought of no longer being a silhouette without an identity, it was what had kept her alive for so long and allowed her to throw away her old misgivings and fears and become a survivor. She could stitch her own wounds and alone, by herself and in the kingdom she created for herself.

The universe had a funny way of putting things in her path. First, it was dead people that got back up again. Then, it was Daryl. After that, it was the desire and drive to be alone and work hard to better herself. Alexandria was next and it paved the way to her letting a select few people back into her cold and lonely life. Daryl appeared again after that and it just had to mean something. But he’d not shown up alone. The group of people around her turned up again too. Some of them were gone, replaced by new people but every one of them was undoubtedly loyal to the core.

Daryl agreed to keep her secret, to let her carry on living as she was. But he was right, she’d lied to him and after over a year of being alone, she knew she was no longer going to be able to deliver the apology he deserved. Instead, she would cease trying to say the words and use her actions to free him from the constraints of secrets and lies.

Her gaze lingered on Carl’s pleading face and try as she might, she could not ignore him.

She said nothing as she pulled her mask from her face and pushed her hood back.

Daryl was the first to notice her during one of his secret glances. He did a double take and realized that she wasn’t going to make him bear the burden of keeping such a huge secret from the people he cared about. Everyone was about to find out the truth and she felt her stomach grow heavy when he shoots her the most heartbreaking, confused and relieved look. She didn’t know if she could take seeing him cry again and so, hoped with everything she had that he would not do so in front of everyone else.

I wish you never left.

Carol’s eyes swept around the group, eventually landing on Jess. For a moment, she blinked and leaned to the side for a better view before her eyes grew wide and her hands flew up to her face.

“No…it can’t be.” She gasped

Faces turned to her, all of them, all at once. She felt like she was on a stage under spotlights, totally naked and being made to sing the national anthem. Not a shadow any longer, her name was being muttered between everyone.

“Jess?! Is that you?” Carol asked.

“Hi Carol.” Jess whispered.

“Oh my god!” She cried, slapping Daryl’s arm. “Daryl, It’s Jess!”

Daryl’s head was low, his eyes moving from the floor to her face intermittently. His expression was downcast but she could see a glimmer of gratitude when he looked at her.

“I know” He mumbled.

“Wait, you know?” Carol questioned.

“Found out this mornin’.” He told her.

Carol set off, weaving around Michonne and Rick, gently placing her hands on either side of Jess’s face. Her skin burned from the touch as if she was a demon being held by a priest. Physical contact was not something she was used to and she was still reeling from Daryl’s desperate and intense hug in the woods from hours before.

“Oh, Jess.” Carol says “look at you, you’re so different. So…so different.”

Jess didn’t speak, offering only a small smile before she shied away and stepped out of Carol’s embrace. Rick slowly walked around them, rubbing his chin and staring at her in disbelief.

“Hi, Sheriff.” She smiled at him.

“It was you, you helped us get out of Terminus. Helped with the dogs on the road. Got Aaron to bring us here?” He asked.

Jess nodded still feeling like a performing monkey and wanting to shrink away into the darkness and run back to her solitary home at the fairground. But she couldn’t get away, especially when Rick wrapped her in his arms, kissed the top of her head and held her there. She wanted to scream at the contact but appreciated his reason for doing so.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” He uttered before releasing her. “My son, my daughter, all of us. We’re safer because of you.” She could feel her cheeks still burning and wondered if she was blushing or just extremely uncomfortable.

“I couldn’t just leave y’all out there.” She mumbled quietly.

The others presented their own greetings but kept their distance, having never met her officially before and Jess was grateful that she didn’t have to hug anyone else. Everyone swapped glances and Carol took a quick look over her shoulder at Daryl, who was looking at Jess with glassy eyes. He swiped at his nose with the back of his hand and turned on his heels, crashing into the house behind them and slamming the door in a mirror image of his exit in her dream.

“Where have you been?” Glenn wanted to know.

“Around.” She replied, her eyes briefly registering Carl, who was beaming at her from the steps of the front porch. Rick followed her gaze, noting the unsaid message that had passed between them.

Are you satisfied now, kid?!

“Did you know about this?” Rick asked Carl.

Carl shrugged “maybe.”

“Um…” Jess began after clearing her throat. “It wasn’t my intention to deceive anyone. I just want to be left alone. Regardless of how we know each other, the same rule applies. No one is to go near my property without my permission.” She said to Rick, who by now was hanging on every word and was totally shocked at the change in her. “If there’s any more trouble, you can signal me with a flare, just like tonight. They’re kept in the armory. Aside from that, I’d appreciate it if you all just… kept your distance and refrained from discussing my true identity with anyone else. The people here don’t know my name, where I’m from or anything about me. I’d like to keep it that way.”

“Of course.” Rick agreed. “Thank you for your help tonight.”

“No problem. I’ll come back in the morning and help get rid of the bodies. Looks like hell with everyone out to lunch in here” She said, motioning to two lifeless Walkers at the side of the road. Then, she calmly walked away, raising her hood again and positioning her mask over her mouth.

* * * * * 

Inside the house, Carol found Daryl in the kitchen, braced against the kitchen counter at the sink with his head low and his hair obscuring his face. She sighed at the sight. Daryl rarely opened up to anyone and when he did, it was always her, the two of them having shared similar backgrounds and understanding what it was like to fight, even before the world went away. Carol understood his inner conflict like no one else and as a result, knew how to handle him when he was showing signs of lashing out or distancing himself from everyone.

His hasty and dramatic departure had been witnessed by the rest of the group and they all knew without having to be told that Carol would be the one to deal with the simmering archer. She moved further into the room, taking a glass from the cupboard and approaching him, reaching around him to access the tap. He moved off like an angry animal that was being disturbed in its lair. Carol filled the glass and brought it to her lips, grateful for the luxury of having running water after such a chaotic evening.  She could see he was reeling despite already having found out about Jess that morning. She observed him wander the length of the kitchen island before he stopped and met her eye. She offered him a sympathetic look.

“Quite the bombshell.” She pointed out.

“Yep.” He grunted, crossing his big arms over his chest.

“Especially for you. Are you alright? She wanted to know.

He didn’t know the answer to her question. He wasn’t sure if he was ‘alright’ or not. His head was still spinning and his chest was still tight, the confusion was still present and only worsened by her decision to tell the others the truth. He expected to have to carry the burden of such a huge secret for much longer and on the one hand he was grateful to her for him not having to endure it. But, on the other, he was furious at being lied to.

“I dunno.” He admitted honestly.

Carol took another sip from her glass and climbed up onto a stool at the island. She delicately placed the glass on the surface and kept her fingertips poised around it.

“Talk to me. Tell me how you feel.” She urged with the knowledge that unless she asked him directly, he was unlikely to disclose much at all. Since the beginning, there was no doubt that he was more forthcoming with his feelings, but he was still very much a closed book and unless he was encouraged in the right way, he would only retreat into himself until he boiled over at someone unsuspecting and undeserving.

“I’m pissed. I’m real fuckin’ pissed.” He confessed.

To her surprise, he also settled on a stool opposite her and leaned his elbows on the marble countertop with his hands clasped together. It was almost like he was telling her that he didn’t want to discuss it, but he needed to.

“Understandable.” She replied.

“But I’m happy she’s alive.” He continued “Seein’ her again…the way she is. It’s weird. She ain’t the same.”

Carol half smiled at his obvious observation of Jess’s evolution and his complete ignorance of his own. He had matured, developed a better handle on his temper, used his logic and intuition to help Rick make some tough decisions and earned the respect and trust of everyone in the group. She was proud of his journey and wished he could see it as she did.

“Neither are you. Neither are any of us.” She reminded him.

“You saw her.” He argued with the flick of one hand “She’s got Jess’s face but that’s it.”

“You don’t know that, Daryl. She’s protecting herself. She’s been doing that for a long time without us now. She might come around if you talk to her.” She suggested with a strong desire to see him try and build a bridge between them. It was no secret that he was devastated when Jess left the Quarry, his pain and determination to find her was plain for all to see and if there was even just a small chance that they could mend their tattered friendships, then she thought it was well worth it.

“Doubt it. She fuckin’ hates me” He scoffed.

“What? I’m sure that’s not true.” She expressed

“She lied to me for weeks, Carol. Weeks. She could have told me who she was. Instead, she acted like I was some stranger.”

His behavior was now considerably more subdued and his aggression was now translating to a sadness that Carol couldn’t stand to see. During a long pause in conversation which was more a chance for the both of them to collect their thoughts than anything else, Carol remembered the incident in the woods when Jess found herself at the end of a gun held by Daryl.

“No wonder she was so calm when you pointed that gun at her.” She mentioned.

“What d’ya mean?”

“She knows you. She knew you wouldn’t just shoot her like that. Not without a reason.” She concluded.

Daryl reached into his jeans pocket and retrieved his lighter. It clicked and clinked as he turned it over between his fingers, lighting it over and over as he attempted to clear his head. Carol watched on, growing slightly concerned when he began to run his fingers through the flames and letting them linger there a little too long.

“Daryl” She scolded lightly. His eyes shot up to hers and he flicked the lighter closed, enclosing it in his fist.

“Wish she never left” He muttered.

Carol proceeded with caution, now he was really talking and such an event couldn’t be forced or it would never present itself again. The conversation would be over and any chance she had at getting him to expel his real feelings would be long gone.

“Daryl, you know better than most that in his world, we adapt or we die. You and I adapted. Jess adapted, very well by what I can see. Give it time. Be patient. What is it that you want to say to her? What do you want her to know?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged.

“I do.” She smiled bravely, all the while hoping deep down that he would trust her enough to answer her. He peered at her through his hair, his eyes questioning exactly what she thought she knew, but she kept quiet and patiently sipped her drink.

“I dunno if I did somethin’…or didn't do somethin’ when I was ‘sposed to” He said, his voice barely a whisper. When she looked back at him, his eyes were cast down at the countertop between his forearms. “Liked havin’ her around, y’know? She just…made stuff easier. I aint no idiot, I know I was a shitty friend. But I thought about her every day since she bailed.”

There it was, what Carol had been waiting for. It wasn’t the precise words she knew he really meant, but it was as close as he was going to get and she had enough to work with.

“That girl meant something to you. We all saw how badly you took it when she left. You could have died looking for her. I might even be as bold as to suggest that you had feelings for her. Feelings that went beyond friendship and you just didn’t know it at the time. I think…” She trailed off, gauging his reaction which so far, was still collected and subdued. “…I think you should tell her that you missed her.”

“That ain’t gonna happen.” He quickly dismissed. A feat too tall for his withdrawn and quiet personality.

“It will. Like I said, give it time.” She remarked with a knowing smile. As he observed her confidence in her beliefs, the corner of his mouth quirked up at the thought of her always being right and how she reveled in it.

“Whatever.”

* * * * * 

Jess made herself scarce from Alexandria for the next two days after offering to fetch some supplies from the nearest town which boasted a large gardening store. She borrowed a truck and found that once she’d filled it with everything on Deanna's list, she had little desire to return anytime soon. She settled down on a luxurious, swinging chair with deep padding and enough room for her to stretch her legs and gently swayed from side to side, watching the high, industrial ceiling swing from left to right. Aside from two Walkers outside in the lot, the entire store was empty and the silence was only broken by the subtle squeak of the chair’s hinges.

The group knowing who she was did nothing to calm the rampant inferno of confusion that seemed to grow with each though of Daryl that passed through her mind and she was still conflicted, torn between hearing his side and ignoring him altogether. The look in his eyes, his intense embrace and the soul shattering whimper against her shoulder was urging her to try talking to him, but she didn’t know if there was a point or if she would ever be able to forgive him for proving her insecurities to be correct. She wasn’t anything to anyone, she was just a girl.

It was dark when she woke, her bones weary with the heaviness of sleeping during the day. She groaned and rubbed her eyes as she sat up. Her backpack contained items she wouldn’t be without no matter what the circumstances, one of those items was a flashlight. She quickly found it in the pitch-black bag and clicked it on, shining it around her, over the shelves and into the gaps between aisles. Luckily, she still appeared to be alone.

She got to her feet, flung her bag over her shoulder and headed for the smashed bottom pane in the main door. Ducking outside into the lot, she noticed the numbers of walkers had increased to around a dozen. She stilled before any of them saw her and slowly crept towards the waiting truck which was around 500 yards to her left.

Walkers acted like dominoes, when one noticed movement the rest tended to follow with a knock-on effect that could be catastrophic. The nearest walker to Jess, only a few feet away reached out and took hold of her backpack, slinging her backwards and colliding her with the asphalt. Her flashlight skittered over the ground and adrenaline shot through her. She quickly grabbed her knife from her belt as the Walker loomed over her, blobs of sticky, lumpy blood precariously hanging from its festering mouth like fruit from a tree. One of which dropped with a splat onto her forehead. She jabbed the blade at the Walkers head only to find that it appeared to dodge out of the way. It’s growls and bubbling throat and chest made her stomach flip and she rolled over, breaking free of its bony fingers on her shoulder and managing to scurry up onto one knee. It surged at her, snapping its jaws and dislodging a front tooth which rolled out and tinkled on the ground beside Jess’s knee.

“Ew” she breathed as she readied her knife again. With all her might she plunged the blade into its skull, surprised at how spongy it was. This one had to have been dead for a while, the longer they wandered around as corpses, the softer their bones became until eventually their limbs gave out and they had no choice but to crawl. The Walker dropped to reveal five more that were closing in on her. She scrambled backwards, the heels of her boots propelling her across two spaces of the lot.

Shit. Ohshitohshitohshit.

She leapt up and scooped up her flashlight just in time to avoid the grasp of more undead fingers while she dashed to the truck, throwing open the door and climbing inside, finally able to put a barrier between her and the Dead ones.

Jess could handle herself but being in such close proximity to walking mounds of rotten flesh still gave her chills. Especially when she considered that they used to be just like her. With working lungs and hearts and brains. With families and friends and lovers. Ok, maybe not exactly like her but five out of six wasn’t bad. It was sad, but it also made her nauseous and she was certain that if she was ever cursed with the trauma of being bitten, she would sooner shoot herself in the head than become one of them.

She started the truck to the sound of the Walkers hammering on the glass and groaning at her. She put the vehicle in gear, flipped them the bird and raced off into the night.

* * * * * 

Not a lot of things were convenient in the apocalypse. Food was scarce, as were weapons, ammo and medicine. The seasons were harsh and Walkers roamed all of the potentially fruitful spots for supplies. Humans were becoming more depraved and even more dangerous than the dead and those that failed to evolve with the harsh changes of the world, perished. No, nothing was convenient, except Daryl being on gate duty just as Jess rolled through in her truck filled with gardening supplies.

Two days had passed and he’d not seen a hint of her since she’d revealed her identity to the group. Carol’s words stayed with him, her suggestion that he should try and talk to her, give it time and she might come around. He was mad at her, there was no question about that. But, more than anything, he just wanted some answers.

He closed the gate behind her as she climbed from the truck, her mask and hood were up but he could make out blood smeared on her face and his chest swelled with concern. Now he knew who she was, he couldn’t help but care no matter how much he didn’t want to.

“Hey.” He called out as he approached her. She leaned against the closed door of the truck and fiddled with her gloves, tugging them off and stuffing them in her pocket. He noticed in the light of the solar bulbs that lined the street that the knife he’d given her was also coated in dark blood and had stained her tight, faded, black jeans. She looked up at him over her hood, her blue eyes meeting his. “Y’alright?” He asked as he motioned to the smeared blood on her forehead.

“Yeah. Just Walkers.” She dismissed casually.

He nodded, temporarily glancing at the ground while he thought out how out of the blue his questions might sound. But she was there, in front of him in the middle of the night with no one else around. If he was going to ask, now was as good a time as any.

“Where ya been, Jess?”

“At the Garden store a few miles west.” She mumbled back. He didn’t notice until he raised his vision but she was checking over a list in her hand.

“I mean before. When ya bailed.” He corrected.

Jess’s eyes lifted and she side glanced at him, looking him up and down and wondering why he’d decided to ask her such questions there and then.

“Around” she replied, the same, standard answer she’d offered the others. She pushed herself from the trucks door and wandered around the side, rummaging through the full flatbed and checking things against the list.

“Why won’t ya talk to me? Ain’t seen ya in, what…over a year?” He asked sadly. His voice sent guilt through her heart like a spear and she fought not to cry again.

“Eighteen months” she corrected. “And I don’t know what you want me to say.” She turned to head back to the truck cab but he stepped in, blocking her path. She huffed in irritation and stared at the toes of her boots.

“Get out of my way.” She uttered.

“Take the mask off.” He requested. “Please.”

“No.” She refused.

“Ain’t nobody here. Just you n’ me. Take the mask off. Just for a minute.”

He needed to see her, needed to be able to see that it really was Jess he was talking to because everything about her screamed that she’d discarded her old life and personality entirely. Little did he know that she was still there, deep down, terrified of exposure and rejection. She agreed that he deserved an explanation, she just wasn’t sure if she was up to offering one at that point. She needed space and time to think things over and decide what she wanted. Being forced to communicate was only making her more anxious. But what she could do, was afford him this one small request. She moved her mask down to her neck and peered up at him. His face seemed to soften at the sight of her own and she saw his shoulders drop.

“Why’d you go?” He croaked.

It was akin to the moment he’d whimpered against her shoulder. Emotional, sincere and hurt. She wasn’t expecting it and it hit her like a train. She needed to leave before she broke down and she resented him for it. For a year and a half she’d learned to stop crying, that crying got a person nowhere when she had no choice but to suck it up and carry on and in the last week all she’d done was cry. That was Daryl’s fault.

“I can’t talk about this right now.” She whispered.

“But you will, right?” He asked

“I don’t know.” She pulled her mask back up. “Please, step aside.”

“Jess-“

“-Get out of my fucking way.” She spat, her eyes filling with anger.

Shocked and frustrated, he simply moved to one side and let her storm past him and get back into the truck where she held back tears until she was far enough along the road and around a corner to let them escape.

* * * * * 

When morning came around once more, Jess walked through the gate carrying a plethora of small animals and the key for the truck she’d borrowed the day before. After dropping the animals off at the pantry, she made tracks to Deanna's front steps where, to her surprise she found Carol sitting at the porch table with a plate of cookies on the surface in front of her. Jess paused when she noticed her, mid way up the steps and awkwardly positioned before she carried on and slowed when she reached the door. Carol’s face was displaying a bright smile as she slid the plate from the table and held it out.

“Cookie?”

Jess hadn’t seen a decent looking cookie in a very long time and her stomach, although reasonably full from breakfast, vibrated slightly at the thought. She almost accepted before she remembered that enjoying that simple pleasure would mean removal of her mask and the potential for passers by to see her.

Clever. She thought. But not clever enough.

“No, thank you.” She politely declined. “What are you doing here?”

“Just got out of a very nice meeting with Deanna. She told me to come and go as I please, so I’m doing just that. Care to join me?” She said breezily.

Her manner was a little too happy for Jess’s liking and she immediately became suspicious of some kind of trap.

“I can’t. I have shit to-“

“Oh, just sit down, Jessica.” Carol scolded through her teeth.

Feeling like a child that had thrown a tantrum and been told off using her full first name, Jess sheepishly sank down into a chair. Even though curiosity had killed the cat, it had got the better of her this time. Across the street, Daryl approached Rick who was busy hauling fertilizer around the vegetable patch. Jess looked up and clocked his presence, quickly diverting her eyes and licking her lips at the plate of cookies instead. They appeared tinted red and purple and she wondered what could possibly be in them to turn them that color. Berries of some kind?

Cherry, maybe? Mmm, Cherries.

“He said you won’t talk to him.” Carol blurted out but with a quiet confidence that snapped Jess out of her food daydream.

OK, we’re really going to sit here and talk about this?!

“I don’t have anything to say to him.” She retorted.

“Jess, you were best friends.” Carol reminded her which only served to prod at her temper and she sprang up from her seat, slapping a hand on the glass tabletop.

“Were we?!” She hissed, “Where was he when I needed him? Hmm?”

Carol was taken aback but such an aggressive turn in Jess, but wasn’t afraid. She’d evolved just as much as the woman before her and was sure that if pushed she could be just as cold and distant herself.

“He’s different now. Just like you. It’s like he was a child before… now, he’s a man.” She noticed Jess glance over her shoulder at Daryl, who was now helping rick by carrying a heavy bag of soil over his shoulder. When she moved her gaze back to the porch, her eyes fell back onto the table and to the plate of cookies. “Give him a chance. You’ll see he’s changed. Please.” Carol added.

“It’s complicated. You don’t know anything about it. I appreciate what you’re trying to do but you’re wasting your time. It’s not just black and white and I’ve worked hard to keep my life as simple and pain free as possible and what have you put in those cookies to make them go that color?”

Carol was confused, her train of thought thrown off with Jess’s bizarre question.

“Uh… beets.” She stammered.

“Huh. Beets. Right.” Jess replied. She reached out, took a cookie and in a split second she had vanished into Deanna's house.  

Standing in the empty hallway with her back to the front door, she closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. She knew in her heart that she had to face him at some point. They were practically neighbors with her fairground abode less than a mile away and their similar skills meaning they were bound to be put together for hunting, supply runs and the like by Deanna. Jess didn’t really know what to do past hiding in her home and burying her head in the sand, but she was smart enough to accept that civility might be the least that could be expected of her. She had no plans to pick up a friendship ever again, her solitary lifestyle proving more than ideal both for her physical safety and her emotional stability. But the sting of loneliness succeeded in distracting her during dark, cold nights and every single time she thought of Daryl. Maybe if she just spoke to him and tried to clear the air, things would be easier overall.

* * * * * 

Daryl had just passed Judith back to her father after a brief spell of her sitting on his knee and looking utterly compelled by everything he said to her. He told her about his first truck, how his brother had taught him to fish and drink shooters for hours in bars. He told her that one day, if Rick would let him, he’d teach her to fish too. He figured that hunting information was a little too much for a soul so young and figured he would leave it until she was at least old enough to hold a crossbow without falling over before he taught her how to kill a deer.

It was becoming a nightly habit. He would sit quietly with Judith and think about the day. Sometimes he’d read to her, sometimes he’d just talk quietly. He knew it was more than he would ever say to any adults, but Judith didn’t judge or answer back. She listened with such interest that he sometimes wondered if she would remember what he told her when she grew up. He liked having a kid around. Carl was getting older and more independent, thinking he knew everything yet still being vulnerable enough to need looking after. He was at an age where he could easily repeat things he heard, but Judith didn’t.

He lit a cigarette and reclined in the squeaky chair and watched the smoke expelled from his lungs billowing up into the night. The stars were out, bright and twinkling. If it wasn’t for the snarling beyond the walls from the nightly encroachment of Walkers, it would have been a peaceful and visually appealing night.

He was halfway through his smoke when movement in the night caught his eye and he did a double take at Jess, who stood at the bottom of the porch stairs with her hood and mask up. Her eyes glistened under the light of the single bulb which flowed above the door. She seemed to manifest out of nowhere and by that point, he’d figured that it was one of her most honed skills. She was silent as the night, until she wasn’t and that was only when it suited her.

“Hi” She said quietly at the same time as fiddling with her fingers and dropping her gaze.

“Hey.” He grunted.

Daryl wondered what she was even doing in the same proximity as him, but he wasn’t about to ask. He considered Carol’s advice once more and decided he may as well give in to his curiosity and see what she was doing at the foot of the steps to his house after dark.

“Do you have a minute?” She asked.

“What’s it look like?” He snapped without thinking. When the words left his lips, he immediately regretted the tone, hearing it laced with anger and bitterness. “I mean, I ain’t exactly busy. Have a seat.” He corrected his inconvenienced emphasis and nudged his head up at the empty seat across the table from him.

She hesitated, one foot on a journey to accept his invitation and the other rooted to the ground. Telling herself she wouldn’t have to stay long anyway, she accepted and slipped into the seat.

“There’s something I should tell you.” She started. His eyes lifted from the now almost finished cigarette between his fingers. “I found Merle in Atlanta.”

He glared at her. She wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know. His brother told him where she was. His message through Michonne urged Daryl to go to the City and find Jess. It said more than that too, but he was not about to let on that Merle had given away anything other than her location.

“I know.” He responded bluntly.

“He found you,” she stated with a nod of understanding.

“Yeah. He found me.” He echoed.

Merle obvious absence spoke volumes, as did Daryl’s downcast expression at the mere mention of his brother’s name. He wasn’t there for the same reason some of the others from the Quarry were absent.

“I’m sorry, about whatever happened to him.” She offered sincerely.

“Don’t be. Ain't your fault” he told her. He stubbed out his smoke in a glass dish in the centre of the table. His snappy demeanour apparently vanishing as fast as the smoke in the air.

She felt the need to explain how she’d found him, for some reason thinking that information volunteered would somehow make things easier for him. It was still there, she still cared about him.

“I found him in a camping store in the city. Almost bled out. Delirious.” She began “Took him in and stitched him up. He always said he would leave when he could, to find you. He wasn’t the best house guest and he certainly had no manners.”

He raised an eyebrow before sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and nibbling on it.

“Ya didn’t have to help him.”

“Couldn’t just walk away and let him die.” She admitted. “I knew how much he meant to you.”

The last part of her sentence was unintentional and she’d aimed to think it instead of actually say it. But there it was, as plain as day. If he didn’t know she cared about him before, he certainly did now.

“Thank you” He expressed as he tried to make eye contact. Jess avoided his attempt and swallowed hard, staring down into her lap.

“No problem.” She whispered.

A long silence proceeded to engulf them both in an almost unbearable awkwardness that felt like a lifetime when it was merely a few minutes. Jess remembered the days when they could sit side by side in quiet understanding without having to fill the gaps with unnecessary chit chat. So unbearable was it that Jess was seconds away from springing up from her seat and leaving.  

“He told me where to find ya.” Daryl informed her.

“Huh. Of course, he did.” Jess scoffed knowingly.

“Said I should go after ya. I found your apartment. Why the city?” He wanted to know.

She realized there and then that he went out of his way to track her down in the city from Merles information. She knew he might, but knowing he actually did still surprised her and made her question everything she thought to be true. It was months between Merle leaving and Jess abandoning her apartment, even longer since she left the quarry camp. She couldn’t be sure if he got her note or not, but he was definitely looking for her after a considerable amount of time had passed.

“Um, well… all the people left, so it belongs to the Walkers now. Learn how to deal with them, use them to your advantage and the city is your oyster. Everybody leaves so suddenly; it means there’s supplies everywhere. Eventually, a group came through that I didn’t like the look of, so I left and stayed in the woods. Lived on a boat for a while. Then, I found the fairground.”

It was the most she’d said to him since she appeared in his life again and the sound of her voice through her mask was so different it was like talking to a stranger. She’d not only felt the need to hide her voice, she was also hiding her personality, her sense of humor and the essence of who she really was. That was, if there was anything left.

“You can fight now. How’d ya get so good?” He asked.

She wasn’t expecting to still be sitting with him at all, let alone having to answer questions. But he was probing for a good reason, she was aware that he was interested in her time away and how far she’d come. She just didn’t think he cared enough to ask about it.

“I can fight Walkers.” She corrected, making him aware that she wasn’t proficient in the art of grappling with live humans. “It was me and them, for a long time. A city full of wandering corpses makes for great practice. Then there’s the hunting and general survival skills I knew I had to have if I were ever forced to move out of Atlanta. There’s a lot of reading material in abandoned bookstores. I learned a lot while I was there.” She explained, hazarding a small glimpse of him and seeing his eyes dragging over her clothing and weapons.

“Turned up lookin like Rambo too.” he mentioned.

Now, she looked at him properly, their eyes meeting across her mask. He hadn’t changed much, not that she could see. He was more mature, more grounded but still Daryl. Still with the same sense of toeing the line and making fun of her. She found herself trying not to laugh, holding back a huge part of herself that just rushed out when she saw the corner of his mouth quirk up.

“Can kick your ass like Rambo if you don’t find someone more feminine to liken me to.” She quipped.

His lips curled further into a smile and behind her mask, Jess fought not to mirror him.

“Still got ya attitude” he pointed out.

It was news to her. Apparently, she did and he was the one to bring it out in her

“You still have yours too.” She shot back as she got up and walked back to the steps, her heavy boots clunked along the wooden flooring and she struck quite the intimidating figure, but Daryl knew the girl inside and he hoped that some semblance of her was still there.

“Goodnight” she uttered as she descended the steps and walked off into the darkness.

“Night, Jess.”

Now, he could use her name. The girl under the disguise.  

* * * * * 

Glenn perched on the trucks hood, picking berries from a tree branch and shoving them into his mouth. He wasn’t taking a risk, Daryl had been forthcoming with ensuring the group only ate what he said was safe, and everything in moderation. Jess leaned against the wheel arch with a map open in her hands after traipsing through an entire town looking for Veterinary Hospital that didn’t seem to exist. Their fruitless trip so far had been nothing but a major inconvenience.

“You sure you saw it?” She pressed as she craned her back at him and held a hand above her eyes to shield them from the sun.

“A hundred percent. I just can’t remember where.” Glenn confessed as he threw the last of the berries into his mouth and threw the stick away.

“Helpful.” Jess murmured. “I’ve never ventured out this way before. Too many people, not enough animals.”

Glenn squinted down at her as she flapped the map in her hands, straightening its corners.

“People?” He asked

“Undesirables.” She murmured. “We have to be careful.”

“Oh. Sure.”

She circled an area of the map with her finger, mainly to herself and only half interested in Glenn’s attention. “Should check here. It’s the only area we haven’t covered in a five-mile radius. It’s got to be there.”

Glenn agreed and began checking over his gun, making sure it was fully loaded. Jess turned her body and leaned her elbows on the hood, re-strapping her gloves and pushing her hood down for the time being. With it only being the two of them, her worries about revealing herself were now non-existent and Glenn knowledge of who she was had given her a huge sense of relief. Being able to go on a run without the worry of him figuring her out was a new and enjoyable kind of peace.

“Where did y’all go? When you left the Quarry?” she asked out of the blue.

He hesitated before answering her, the answer backing up in mind as he rifled through all the things that they’d been through since the Quarry, the people they’d lost and the terrible ways they’d died. It wasn’t easy and sometimes he wondered how they’d got so far but over time and through their shared trauma, they’d become a family. He’d become something else too, one half of a pair with Maggie. The woman of his dreams and he couldn’t help but smile when he remembered how she’d propositioned him in the middle of an abandoned store and ever since their relationship had grown into something he never would have anticipated.

“We tried the CDC. That was a disaster.” He said “One guy left and he blew himself and the building to pieces. Then we stayed on the Greene’s farm. Maggie’s dad owned it. Herd came through, pushed us out of there. Then, we ended up at a prison. We were there for a while. Until some psycho came along and tried to take the place. A lot of people died. We all got split up and that’s how we were reunited…in the worst way, at Terminus.”

Jess held his gaze for a few moments as she contemplated how their numbered had depleted but were replaced by new faces and yet they were still such a tight-knit group. She figured they had Rick to thank for that after witnessing the way he led his people through the gate of Alexandria for the first time with Daryl at his side.

“You guys have been through a lot” She stated.  

“Guess we have, Yeah.” He agreed thoughtfully. “But then again, everybody has, right? You have too.”

Jess didn’t think she’d fought anywhere near the kinds of battles Rick’s group appeared to have survived. She wasn’t without her own difficult memories, but most of those consisted of being alone and having to adapt to fighting Walkers and avoiding detection by other survivors. She’d faced more of an internal war than a physical one, born out of using stealth and cunning to avoid having to engage in actual fighting any more than was necessary. When she did kill the living, it was inevitable and got shoved to one side to enable her to carry on with life at the end of the world.

“Not really.” She disagreed “Keeping out of sight was how I lasted this long. Can’t be robbed, raped or killed if nobody knows you exist.”

“What if you’re discovered by chance?” Glenn argued.

She met his eye, a knowing look exchanged between the two of them. It didn’t need to be voiced that both of them were forced to do things they would never be proud of.

“Then you do what you have to do” She uttered.

Glenn nodded sadly before attempting a risky move.

“Why did you run? From the Quarry” he questioned.

She knew she would face such a question from nearly all of them at some point, her assumption was that it would be Daryl that was the first to ask had been correct, but Glenn being next happened a little quicker than she thought. What she hadn’t quite decided on, was how she was going to answer it. Should she be completely honest, or sugar coat the truth and skirt around the real reasons? She felt overwhelmed, pushed out, betrayed and like she was a mere burden that would never fit in.

“A lot of reasons.” She mumbled. “I ran away to save myself. I needed to lose who I was”

A spell of silence passed between them as Glenn tried to make sense of her response. Jess could feel his disagreement as if it were a weight on her shoulders. He shuffled closer on the hood and slid his gun back into its holster. A loud sigh was followed by a quick scan of the area they were parked in. All still quiet and safe enough.

“The people you loved that are gone…they helped to make you who you are. If you lose that, you lose the last bit of them that’s still around inside, who you are is gone…but so are they.” He told her, feeling her eyes locked on him, her brow furrowed as if surprised by his sudden philosophical take on things. “It’s how you lose people all over again, even after they’re gone. You honor them by carrying on, because they don’t get to”

The conversation was veering into a territory that Jess was no longer comfortable with. She didn’t want to be forced to stare her decisions in the face and dissect her train of thought and reasons for arriving at them. While she couldn’t say that Glenn was wrong, the idea that she’d lost everyone she’d loved for good due to her own actions wasn’t one she wanted to entertain. They were still there, in her heart, in her soul. Or were they?

“So, Carol got split from everyone else?” She queried, shamelessly changing the subject.

“Actually no. She was already on the outside on her own for a while. I’ll let Rick or Carol explain it themselves one day. Along with everything else that happened at the prison. But let’s just say we really appreciate what you two did. That place… was like nothing I’ve ever seen before.” He mused, the flicker of fear in his eyes evident upon his reminiscence of his time at Terminus.  “I couldn’t stand the thought of Maggie dying in that hell hole. I’m glad it was me they almost killed. She didn’t deserve to go through that.” He added.

Jess said nothing, too wrapped up in the thought of being so in love and attached to someone that you would die to save their life. It was a completely alien concept to her, except for the likes of her family, she wasn’t sure there would ever be anyone else she would risk her life for. Then, she remembered the time she spent following Daryl through the woods with a group of men she didn’t trust one, single ounce, the people she murdered inside Terminus and the ferocity of her rage which she used to demand his whereabouts. She refused to leave until she knew he was safe and then it occurred to her; she would have died at Terminus. She would have died for Daryl.

“Where’d you get all the gear? The body armor. Looks like high-grade stuff.” Glenn interrupted, scattering her revelatory thoughts.

“Uh…” She grunted, having to take a deep breath and ignore the fact that she’d just discovered the actual extent of her fondness for the man that broke her heart. “Mostly dead Cops and Soldiers. Needed a little cleaning up here and there. Found some stuff in gun stores too, most were picked clean but one or two had the good stuff strapped to the dead owners”

“Nice. It looks good.” He smiled.

“Thanks, but It’s not about how it looks. It’s got to be practical. I can move around and none of it makes a sound. So, I can hunt and travel undetected and still remain nothing but a shaded movement in somebody’s peripheral vision. If anything bites me, it’s got to have pretty sharp teeth to break the barrier too.” She informed him with a certain degree of pride in herself. It was trial and error, endless days testing fabric and different levels of armor using sharp objects and creeping around groups of Walkers.

“We could really use this kind of thing for runs. Think you could find more?” he asked

“Probably.” She shrugged. “One thing at a time though. Let’s get this equipment first.”

He slithered down from the hood and slapped the surface with a grin as he rounded the truck and climbed into the driver’s seat. Jess settled beside him and frowned when he pressed ‘play’ on the CD player. Music filled the cab and she rolled her eyes, looking out at the rapidly passing houses on the side of the street.

* * * * * 

Despite their conversation on the porch of his house, Daryl’s efforts to engage Jess in any more conversation in the coming days fell victim to her insistence to be left alone. He grew more and more frustrated with every instance that he witnessed her chatting away carelessly to others. She still laughed with Abraham and even joined him on gate duty. Aaron was treated to discussions while sat on the wall outside of the armory and even Glenn earned himself an enthusiastic handshake and some kind of mocking dig that couldn’t be heard upon returning from a run with her one evening. It seemed everyone else but Daryl was allowed to be around her and it angered him so much that one night, he decided that he needed to do something about it.

After seeing her playfully slap Abraham’s big arm as they spoke at the side of the road, she bid him farewell and ambled slowly to the gate, nodding at the guard. It was early evening and the sun was going down, the time of year dictating that one minute it was light and the next, flashlights were needed to light the way and the rapid change was almost unnoticeable. The sky glowed with pinks and purples and small birds were still singing in the trees when Daryl dashed out of the gap in the gate and surged after Jess.

She walked slowly, adjusting her bow on her back and calmly glancing around at her surroundings. She liked this time of the day, much like the early morning’s it always seemed to be peaceful and still no matter what horrors were unfolding across the world. It was a nice escape, even if it was only temporary. Her boots crunched over the dirt and she began to hum tunefully to herself. A Beatles song.

“Jess”

Daryl’s voice shot out of the serenity like an arrow and shattered her illusions of an enjoyable walk back to her home. She huffed, her jaw clenching and her body turning to him slowly.

“What do you want, Daryl? Just leave me alone.” She sighed.

His trespassing into her alone time was akin to him walking right into the fairground and making himself at home in her eyes. She had admitted who she was and now she just wanted to be allowed to observe things from the fence without getting involved with anyone or anything that would mean anchoring herself emotionally. But Daryl quite obviously had other ideas and wasn’t satisfied with her terms.

“Why you gotta be such a bitch, huh?!” He snapped.

She shifted her weight and crossed her arms, looking him dead in the eye.

We’re name-calling. Mature. There’s the old Daryl.

“I am being perfectly fucking civil.” She replied mockingly, a sarcastic smile emerging on her lips behind her mask. It occurred to Daryl that if he couldn’t see her face, he couldn’t judge her reactions to be truthful.

“Take it off.” He demanded, gesturing with a hand to her face.

“No.” She refused.

“Take the mask off.” He tried once more.

“Why?” She asked.

“You n’ I, we’re gonna have a conversation and I ain’t talkin’ to no mask. Don’t make me take it off myself ‘cause I will n’ you know it”

Aggression and testing her resolve were fast becoming the only way he could get through to her and get her to comply and he wondered when she developed such a strong will and courage to rival his own. If he was honest with himself, her bravery impressed him regardless of it being so far from the Jess he used to know. She needed it to stay alive and it seemed to be serving her well, even though it meant they locked horns.

Jess gave in and opted to endure whatever he wanted to talk about mainly because she wanted it over with, but also because there was a different side to her story that she was interested in hearing. She flicked her mask down with one swift movement while the rest of her body stood completely rigid and angry. Her vision was narrowed, her eyes dark and unimpressed.

“What the hell happened to you? We were friends and now ya won’t even look at me.” He asked.

She moved closer, standing inches from his face and not showing an ounce of fear. She was defensive but challenging and he wanted to step back and observe this drastic change in her properly. She was no longer a shrinking violet, her confidence in the face of confrontation had come out of nowhere. The Jess from before would have said her piece but backed right off. This woman had a grudge and Daryl knew now that he was at the center of it.

Jess spoke clearly and deliberately her eyes not wavering from his for even a second.

“I was ‘just a girl’. I didn't mean shit to you’. Isn’t that right, Daryl?” She hissed

A flashback hit him like a bus. He was standing with Merle on the slope to the water back at the Quarry. It was dark, he could hear the waves lapping against the shore. Merle was mocking him for catching feelings. He rubbished his claims with a single sentence. One that unbeknownst to him at the time, Jess heard every word and it changed everything. Destroyed something good, something meaningful. Something he missed everyday.

She heard me. Shit. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said.

He stepped away from her, sighing loudly and rubbing his eyes with his thumb and finger on one hand. Jess seethed in front of him, her hurt and pain now simmering just under the surface after the words being repeated for the first time. It all came rushing back, all the old feelings of being rejected and lied to.

“That’s what this is about?” He asked quietly.  

“Don’t you dare trivialize it.” She warned with a slight tremor in her voice. Her emotions were boiling over and cracks in her defenses were beginning to show.

“I’m ain’t…. I’m-I’m not” he quickly assured her, lifting one hand and showing her his palm in surrender.

She felt as though she would burst with all the things she wanted him to know. She wanted him to feel the betrayal and sadness she’d endured for himself, to have to live with it festering in the back of his mind like she had. Her bottom lip quivered and she sucked in a sharp breath.

“You broke my goddamn heart.” She whispered shakily.

Both of them froze at the sound of her admission. It wasn’t exactly something she wanted him to know but there it was anyway, the truth about how she felt, floating in the air between them. The air left Daryl’s lungs and his shoulders lowered. He dropped his vision, unable to look at the broken expression on her features.

She couldn’t hide it any longer, a single, salty tear flittered down her cheek and she whirled around, striding into what was now a thick darkness lit only by the moon. She was shrouded in black, protected by the night but the emotional exposure was kicking her anxiety into gear and meant she had to depart, to run away and go back to where she felt safe. She knew the way to the fairground even if she was blinded by the lack of light. It was like someone clicked their fingers and she was teleported to her destination, the route to her home a complete blur of tears and sniffles. She fumbled with the chain and lock on the gate, pausing to click on a hanging, LED light that bumped against the fence post. Her heart jumped in her chest when a hand wrapped around her wrist and she flinched away, seeing that Daryl had somehow followed her without her noticing. So wrapped up had she been in her own tears, that she’d made it home without a single care for the dangers that might be surrounding her.

“Wait. Please.” He requested, stepping under the light on the fence.

In her other hand, she still grasped the lock on the gate. It rattled when she let go and swallowed hard.  

“I didn’t mean what I said to him.” He said sincerely. “Ya know what he was like. I just wanted to shut him up”

She licked her lips, tasting the tang of her tears and roughly wiped at her face with the sleeve of her jacket.

“You didn’t defend me either.” She told him. Her voice was now akin to a pathetic whimper and she detested the sound of her own vulnerability. “If we were supposed to be friends, if I actually meant anything to you, you would have stood up for me when that fucking airhead started reading my journal. Because we both know I was not in a position to do that myself. I needed you and you walked away.”

He nodded in understanding and Jess thought he might have been expecting to hear such a thing.

“I know. M’sorry.” He said, stepping closer to her. She backed up.

“Right. Sure.” Came her sarcastic reply, her walls still raised and Daryl’s apology doing little to knock them down. It was going to take a lot for her to trust anyone again, let alone him.

She struggled with the lock, finally releasing it and noisily hauling the gate open. She stepped inside and slammed it, clicking the lock back into place and walking away. To her surprise, it began to rain. Small raindrops splattering long the path and gently playing a rhythm on the top of her hood.

“I let ‘em die.” He called out. “Both of em.”

She halted and peered over her shoulder at him, his fingers were threaded through the fence. To his credit, she couldn’t deny that he was trying more than she ever would have guessed. His determination to pursue her and make her listen was obvious. She knew exactly who he was referring to.

“How many people you killed, Jess?” he questioned.

She lowered her head and took a deep breath, not wanting to answer the question. It wasn’t something she thought should be a part of regular conversation unless absolutely necessary. Taking another human beings’ life was no menial task, nor was it something to be discarded like it didn’t matter. It was a huge deal, especially to Jess. But she kept the details and numbers locked away where they couldn’t play on her conscience too much.

“Wouldn’t be alive right now if ya hadn’t killed somebody and I know you must have put down a lot of them assholes at Terminus.” He reasoned, still gripping the fence and refusing to budge.

“Then there’s your answer.” She grunted. “A lot”

“Yeah. Me too. Those two girls? They were the first.” He revealed.

She needed to hear it. They were dead, that much didn’t need to be explained. But she wanted to know the how’s and why’s. She slowly wandered back to the gate.

“Merle told me you almost shot Sarah in the face.” She mumbled.

“Yeah. I really wanted to” he huffed “But… there was kids watchin’, y’know? Before that, before ya left, I took her to the woods and threatened to slit her throat if she bothered ya again. Didn’t know that, did ya?”  

She didn’t know, she had no idea but managed to keep her shock well hidden. Her eyes only flickering up to his.

“In the end…I watched ‘em get bit and I did nothin’ ‘cause I fuckin’ hated what they did to you. I know I was a shitty friend. But I wasn’t lyin’ when I said I just don’t have friends. I always been kind of a loner ‘cept for when I was with Merle.”

“You were ashamed of me.” She pointed out

“What?! That’s bullshit.” He exclaimed in disbelief.

She stepped closer to where he stood beyond the fence, the light illuminating them both from above enough for them to be able to read each other’s expressions.

“As soon as people started making fun of you being around me, you closed up like a clam and treated me like I was some kind of fly that just followed you around. God forbid you’d be seen with… what was it that Merle called me? Oh, that’s right, the ‘little, fat chick!’.” She explained with regret.

“Oh, c’mon, Jess!” He cried, frustration etched onto his features as he leaned closer to the fence, urging her to believe him.

“Tell me I’m wrong!” She shot back, silencing him. “Right. Because I’m not, am I?!”

He suddenly slammed both of his hands against the metal links on the barrier between them, sending a shockwave along the structure. Jess jumped slightly and moved back.

“Two weeks!” He yelled with no regard for the danger he might be attracting from the woods “I looked for you for two god damn weeks and they all wanted to move on n’ forget ya like ya never mattered!” His breathing had changed and she noticed that he was almost panting, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “WELL, YA MATTERED TO ME!” He yelled at her with another slam of his hands. She merely blinked but could feel the heaviness of tears building behind her eyes again. “I told ‘em, I said I wasn’t doing shit for none of ‘em until I found you.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a brown, crumpled piece of paper, unfolding it and slapping it against the fence. “Instead, I found your stupid note and I fuckin’ kept it! So, don’t you dare tell me I was ashamed of you!”

She cursed herself internally for being unable to quash the need to cry. She hadn’t cried in over a year, having learned to push her emotions away and carry on. Now, she’d hardly stopped and she hated every single second. His confession regarding her note and his actions after her departure had changed everything. She was wrong. She had been wrong for so long. He did care about her after all and it was like they’d swapped roles. He didn’t know how to show it at the time. Now, she had more in common with him than ever. He had opened up to her and shown her a side to him that she didn’t know was there. He’d more than proved he cared and she felt more guilty than ever. It was too much to take in, to be able to stand before him and keep composed and so she quickly vanished into the Diner, leaving him standing alone in the rain with her creased note clutched in his hand.  

* * * * * 

Eric and Aaron's place was the perfect show home, straight out of an interior decorating convention and cleaner than a surgical suite. Jess was often reluctant to touch anything for fear of leaving a fingermark and being banished. Eric and Aaron didn’t mind, of course, having welcomes Jess into their home with open arms and not once mentioning any house rules or cleanliness standards to be followed. She used the place like a hotel but was always grateful for their hospitality and the free rein to come and go as she pleased. She was also pretty sure that no other residents of Alexandria made spaghetti quite like them.

She stayed at the Diner for the next two days, eventually emerging and resuming her hunting and clearing duties only to find that Daryl had covered for her in both areas. The walls were clear and there was meat in the pantry. Feeling useless and still lumbered with emotions, she threw Daryl a split-second peep where he stood by the armory and raced to the other side of the street, letting herself into Aaron and Eric’s living room and slumping down onto their couch. Aaron ticked off a crossword in a wildly outdated newspaper on the opposite couch and peered at her over the broadsheet, observing her troubled body language; fiddling hands and constant sighing. She presented in such a way that he had never seen from her before. She was anxious.

He lowered the paper and zoned in on the only visible and readable part of her, her eyes. Stunned by what he was witnessing, he gradually discarded his newspaper and crept closer to her, eventually sitting on the coffee table in front of her. She looked up and he could practically feel the sadness seeping from her pores.

“OK…I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry.” He whispered.

“It’s a rare occurrence.” She sniffed. “Not happened in over a year. Now it’s like a fucking floodgate that I can’t close.” She stated plainly. While her eyes were watering, her breathing hadn’t changed, creating a strange and blank air around her.  It was a very odd sight for Aaron to comprehend.

“Are you here because you want to talk about it?” He pressed with a genuine desire to help. He wanted her to say yes and tried to urge her by shifting closer and waiting patiently.

“I don’t know.” She said under her breath.

“Look, I know you don’t trust anyone. But you’ve been staying in this house on and off for weeks now. You and I, we get along well. You can tell me, maybe I can help.” He tried.

Apparently, all Jess needed was a friendly face that wasn’t connected to Daryl to expel the contents of her mind to. She spent the next hour telling Aaron everything, right from the Quarry and up until that very day. She explained how her and Daryl used to be good friends and were torn apart by a number of factors, namely his mixed signals and her overthinking. At the suggestion from Aaron that her self-esteem played a part in it, a further door was opened in her head; he was completely right and it made her feel even more guilty for harboring such a huge grudge for so long. She expressed a need to make things right, but not to get too close and Aaron agreed, stating that while he thought it a good idea for now, she would not be wrong to let her guard down and give him another chance. Throughout their conversation, she cried more than once and was comforted by understanding and empathy. But when he reached out to hold her hand, she snatched it away and recoiled in discomfort. Aaron knew then not to push her too much, her refusal to remove her mask was also another telling factor that while she trusted him enough to accept his help, her face would remain behind a disguise that she used as a safety net.

“Sorry. I don’t do so well with the touching thing”. She told him.

It was the first time she’d trusted anyone with anything since Daryl at the quarry. She trusted him with her life and was left feeling like he’d lied to her. She hoped Aaron would not do the same and that his advice would help to mend the broken shards of what was left of her shattered friendship and she and Daryl could at least speak to each other without the past looming over them.

“What are you going to do?” Aaron asked.

“I have an idea. But I’m not sure it’ll work.” She replied.

NEXT CHAPTER

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