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innocencelives · 2 months ago

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late night/early morning trauma episode-talking to myself diary TW

the liberating truth vs the indelible pain of knowing

ultra rough night. the day was fine, woke up painfully fatigued as always, tried to work on art and literally spent 3 hours messing w a project accomplishing not one thing-i actually reversed progress. noticed how anxious i was, hands shaking, heart beating, no reason at all.

ordered food after, even though i rlly rlly shouldnt bc im so fucking low on money this month but, as a friend once said, if thats the only way i can eat, i deserve food.

but it all spiraled the second i tried to go to sleep. did my routine-fix the sheets, close the curtains, close the window, 2 puffs of cbd, 2 hydroxizine pills, take all the night meds, cpap mask, then bra used as eye mask, then headphones playing jazz w my computer on my floor, phone charging w do not disturb on

immediately my mind went to trauma. recently ive tried to understand that my debilitating, life ruining sleep disorders might partially be bc of my cptsd, its not normal to be so terrified of sleeping. so i started to recount memories, feelings, thoughts in a stream of conciousness kind of way. saying every thought and feeling and memory the second they came to my brain, and led their way to next one.

an avalanche of childhood followed-all in the details. tiny things, random things, good or bad, feelings-good or bad. just allowing myself to jump from thing to thing with no pressure. i actually remember so much! i say before 9 i remember nothing, and thats sort of true, but it becomes unbelievably fragmented and scattered, ive struggled to compartmentalize or see any of it in a clear way. so much life, a whole life, an entire life. one that i avoid at all costs nowadays.

i saw it in many, many, random fleeting pieces-images, sometimes vague or blurry, bizarre specific feelings and moments. so much was so so normal, or at least innocuous. and other memories were like this dark, blurry underbelly peppered throughout-those “memories” if you can even call it that, are dream like.

they come in and out of focus, often with obscured pieces, missing heaps of context, sometimes the image or feeling felt like looking at a pile of puzzle pieces across a floor. the line between fact, feeling, and some kind of surreal dream state in those memories are quite permanently blurred. sometimes i had a word, and nothing else; a feeling, and nothing else; a few blurry polaroids with hardly any explanation. i didn’t force anything, i just let them come and go. i let myself become psychotic, innocent, furious, despondent, one after the other. i didnt contain myself, or filter myself, or lead myself any which way.

its not supremely abnormal to have a childhood that is almost entirely normal except for moments of intense, abrasive, shocking, perverse trauma. the mundane and the gruesome coalesce until neither really feel unique or special. its hard when i feel my body desperately trying to steer me away from some horrors. its also quite natural for a childs undeveloped mind to see disturbing experiences in a surreal lense. fairytales, nightmares, a child can dream fluidly so when they experience hell they try to contextualize it within a fantasy. its really hard to put into words. try to imagine someone took a memory of yours, removed tons of random bits of it, put it in a jar and furiously shook it up, dumped it all over the floor, took of your glasses and told you to recount it.

so many vacillating emotions… i feel such pain right now after this experience. my sexuality is so permanently disturbed. permanently tainted and built up in the image of my abuse. one moment i was proud to be a toy, the next i was heartbroken, the next i wanted to scream, the next i felt sexual attraction to my abuser. a whirlwind, a thought storm.

im understanding how i have this dissociative aspect with recalling my abuse. mostly i remember nothing, but sometimes im forced to remember everything. when i remember nothing i feel frustrated at this confusion and mystery, and when i remember everything i beg and plead to forget. the shock of my abuse destroys me. people have said to me, im remembering now, that sometimes ill tell them about an instance of abuse and then later ill say i dont remember anything. it comes out in the most bizarre ways-like cracks through a door, repairing itself as soon as i look. a song i wrote, a conversation i had, a feeling i relate to, an image glued in my brain with literally 0 context, a detail without anything around it.

theres parts of me that know. wow i feel so overwhelmed right now. god those images i started to face tonight. tiny tiny puzzle pieces i fit together-life ruining. i was thinking, why did i ever remember my abuse. why did i ever follow those breadcrumbs, sure i was broken before. but this, what was to come, seeing my life for the SVU episode it was, everything toppled and imploded. my whole life spiraled, everything fell apart, i lost any and all future i was walking towards

10 years ago. a decade, a whole decade. 10 years since my pretty little life broke into a million pieces. an angsty rebellious teenager, thats whatever. who cares. a teen dealing with sex abuse, then a homeless 18 year old, then a disabled mental patient, then a magnet for sexual trauma, then a homeless 22 year old, now a 26 year old-visibly, completely, totally disabled and rendered incapable of functioning normally. i really went from an angsty teen, to a pitiful cripple in a decade. a mental health cripple mostly-same dif.

the excruciating, stomach churning word on the tip of my tongue. the tip of my brain at all times. how, how can i wake up everyday knowing what happened to me? how can i forever be-a victim of incestous rape. those are the words. some of the words, glued to the insides of my brain, tattooed and etched and carved into my skin, indelible and perhaps fatal. im no longer liberated by that truth. or at least, right now im not. right now im punched in the guy by it. overwhelmed and screaming in pain from it. a truth. i dont have words. this life story sometimes feels avoidable, but it just wasnt. if i didnt understand it then, my life would have just collapsed at some other point.

this was my experience, this is my story, i wish with all my soul it could have turned out differently. i dont want to know anymore. i dont want this truth anymore. and here i am sitting with those words. a permanent mark, a permanent memory, an indelible scar, a life defining and life encompassing truth. and yet, and yet, not a death sentence. perhaps… not a terminal condition. perhaps, it is context, for all the places im sure to go. there is a future inside me. a future, a life, a beautiful beautiful life i can feel. im building it, im not broken. maybe i am broken, maybe i have lost a leg, but perhaps, i am a paralympian. perhaps, i am a paralympian.

#txt post

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lqfiles · 7 months ago

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i have srs fomo n when i get notifs seeing ur answering msgs i kick my feet a little thinking of the shit i wanna ramble about to feel included but HOW R U DOING TODAY BAEEE 😼 i spent four hours trying to get my nose stud out and now i can’t get it back in 😛

i feel like karmas out to get me for just being a hater today bc on top of this disaster💓 i had previously made jokes about kpoppies crying when their fav enlists n now im on the verge of ripping my hair out thinking ab taeyong literally leaving NOW and jeonghan within a matter of months…

ANYWAY i think… soon i might… maybe… make my side blog to start writing… and im sooooo nervous

— yours truly 🪼

LMAOOO that’s so real if it makes you feel better i have the biggest case of fomo too i have to check twitter every day because i just can’t be left out 😣 i love your rambles tho i look forward to them fr

IVE BEEN GOOOOD i wrote a little and i’m planning on changing my theme soon </3 i’m gonna miss this haechan icon but new era new me kinda? if i’m not feeling it much i’ll return back to the haechan theme but yeah.. i wanted to be like those accounts that never change their pfps but there are so many i wanna try i just can’t not i’m sure this is some form of FOMO..

anyways THAT SOUNDS UNFORTUNATE idk much about piercing but did the hole close that quickly?? i mean at least you got what you wanted i guess.. still you should probably go to a professional if you REALLY want it back in and it doesn’t go in, IM ROOTING THAT YOU WILL WIN THIS BATTLE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR NOSE‼️

i actually still not processing that taeyong will be leaving like wow.. it just doesn’t feel real and i will only believe it once i see it myself but aackk.. stay strong tyongfs 😭 it’s the way taeyong is making it worse with all these sad posts too like pls your fans aren’t the strongest. and i thought jeonghan was exempt?? FUCK IM GONNA END IF HE GOES LIKE I CANT BEAR SEEING HIM LEAVE.. my hanibani 😭😭😭😭😭

and i say do it !! the writing community is rlly nice and i’m sure you’ll have fun ^^ don’t be too nervous and post whatever your proud of, i’m rooting for you!!

#asks.#from 🪼 anon #love your chaotic updates anon

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chaotictomtom · 6 months ago

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and sometimes it is both something i've really poured love into and many hours and had sooo much fun doing and really did it for myself and. it flops so hard. i genuinely think my fav digital portrait OR LIKE EVEN MY FAV PORTRAIT EVER... is of agent j and yet. it floooopped so hard. 9 notes. idk abt numbers i've spent yeaaaars on twitter having up to like 3 likes MAX for any art i've posted, years. i'm so grateful that my art gets to be seen now and that i actually get to have interaction and ppl leaving nice tags like that's way more than i could ask for. but for that portrait i was just like nowadays almost a year of not touching digital, and i manage to pull that cool ass piece???? i'm still really proud of myself for this one. but ig ppl weren't rlly interested in it. the Igor portrait i loved making made even less and im like aw man. i enjoyed making it so much it was so much fun, i found it so cool that i managed to pull it off exactly during the length of the album!!!!!!!!!!! but bwahbwaaaah 🎺 flopped also. AGAIN not making these for da numbers, these two were to try out digital again and they're the reasons i really want to get back it again. anyway im not going anywhere with this, sorry

shaking like a leaf. i think that quick spock doodle i did with wee cat is. the most note i got on any art i've posted. ever.

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nahoyaglock · 4 years ago

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📃 AS I AM CHAPTER 1 — Surprise!

SUMMARY — You knew Kageyama Tobio since you both were in diapers, being close family 'friends'. You always wanted to befriend the quiet kid but no matter your efforts, he would never crack. When you transfer schools and meet Kageyama again, what will happen to your relationship?

PAIRING — family friend!kageyama x fem!reader

GENRE — fluff/crack/angst

WARNINGS — uh, non rlly, just enjoy :D

WORD COUNT — 2.1k

FIND THE MASTERLIST HERE

(Sent September 15th at 6:32 am)

Y/N: [Good morning Tobio!]

You turned your phone off before sitting up to stretch your arms. The warm sunrays peeked through your thick curtains, your room taking the shade of an idigo hue. You let out a bronx cheer before hopping out of bed, looking around at your nearly empty room. bzzz!

You smiled to yourself, hands finding your small hand held device before opening your notification, seeing a text from Kageyama.

(Sent September 15th at 6:33 am)

Kageyama: [Morning.]

Y/N: [How did you sleep?]

[Also, I have a surprise for you Tobiooo!]

Kageyama: [I slept fine. What is it?]

Y/N: [It wouldn't be a surprise if you told ya!]

You set your phone down gently on your drawer and you heard a light knock on your door, then the nob turning. Your mom peeked her head through the crack in your door, smiling as she watched you open your blinds.

"Hey honey," she whispered, knocking again lightly. You faced your mother with a sleepy grin, "good morning mom." You grabbed two bags from the corner of your room, slinging them over your shoulder.

"I'll load up the car mom, don't worry okay?" You walk over to the door and she moves over, allowing you to get through the door. "We leave in 20 minutes okay?" She pats your back before walking off to her room, leaving you to your job.

You slipped on your fuzzy pink slippers sitting at the front door and your turned the lock to go out. You went back and forth, in and out of the house loading up all of your luggage and baggage needed for the move. Your mom had finished her loading and was turning on the car as you grabbed your phone and locked up the house.

You climbed into the backseat with a fluffy, warm blanket for the long ride, buckling yourself up and checking your notifications.

(Sent September 15th at 6:35 am)

kageyama: [you're quiet annoying you know?]

(Sent September 15th at 7:01 am)

Y/N: [I wouldn't be y/n if I wasnt, am I right?]

After hours of sleeping, snacking and playing video games, the ride had come to an end. "We're here baby, wake up." Your mom shook your arm softly and your slowly forced your eyes open. You groaned and sat up, rubbing your eyes and yawning.

You and your mom unloaded your luggage into the empty house, your new home. It was a house way smaller than your previous one, two rooms, a bathroom and a small livingroom that connects to the kitchen. You decided that you wanted it to feel as much like a home as did your old house, so you decided to start decorating.

(Sent September 15th at 2:13 pm)

Y/N: [Hey tobio, ill tell you about the surprise in a week! :3]

Kageyama: [okay.]

As you went through some boxes you found old photos of you and Kageyama, the male with a blank expression but you could barely stay still that you were slightly blurry. You smiled at the memories of being an energetic kid and decided to put up the photos of you and kageyama on your pin board.

After your room was decently put together, missing a desk and a bed of course, you texted your friends from your old school and went to your moms room to see her folding her clothes. "Hey mom, can we go to the school to pick up my stuff?" She turned to you and smiled, putting her shirt down and standing up.

"Ah, yeah lets go now." She grabbed her keys and lead you to the car, you bouncing with excitement behind her. You opted on riding in the front with her, smiling at her as she turned the keys to start the car. The ride was filled with your conversation with your mom, talking about what you two should do since you arrived in your new home, your school and how you live closer to the rest of your family.

You pulled up to your new school and you eyed the entrance, reading the signs and inspecting the buildings. Your mom parked and unlocked the car, allowing you to hop out under the cold breeze. "Lets go honey," your mom grabbed your arm lightly and pulled you along with her, entering your new highschool. Karasuno highschool.

The principal greeted you and your mother and started to show you around the school. You saw your classes, your locker, the gym, and other important stuff that you mentally noted. Lastly was the office, where he gave you your printed schedule, needed textbooks and school uniform. With a wave goodbye you and your mom left to go back to your house, the car ride was silent this time.

—

It was the day, the day you started your first day at your new school. It's been a week since you settled into your new home, finally having a bed and a desk, some drawers and other things. You felt like you were at home, finally ready for a new start. Your mom decided to drive you to school for your first day, despite living close to the school.

"Are you excited?" She asked, eyes on the road with a proud smile. "Yeah, I am, time for a new start," you smiled, looking at your phone. "Well, im just glad you're feeling well. About your dad, you know–" your mom started. Your parents divorced, and your dad bringing in the most income, you and your mom had to leave tokyo, no longer able to afford the house that you had lived in since the age of 3.

"Mom, its fine, really. It didn't work out and thats okay, because now we have a little home of our own," you smiled widely, grabbing your bag as your mom parked at the side of the road. "Oh! Can we get a puppy?" You asked, bouncing in your seat and she laughed.

"I'll think about it. Have a good day, and if you see Kageyama tell him I said hi," she waved as you climbed out the car and you nodded at her before crossing the street and entering the school. You were so excited, seeing other students who noticed your foreign presence.

(Sent September 23rd at 6:54 am)

Y/N: [Good morning tobio!]

[I'll tell you the surprise later, are you busy after school?]

Kageyama: [morning, and yes I have volleyball.]

Y/N: [ah, okay! Have a good day today]

You spent your day alone, just taking in the new setting and adjusting to the classes you had. You had a few students talk to you when they found out you were new, but you decided to eat lunch alone that day. The day went by pretty fast and while you were slightly tired, you were still pumping with excitement. After all, you were going to see Kageyama today.

School ended, and after class you went down to your locker to put away some of your books and take anything you needed out of there. You remembered that Kageyama said he would be doing volleyball club today, and you assumed it would be held in the gym. You turned to see a tall blonde headed male with glasses from one of your classes.

"Excuse me, sir?" You tapped the male, causing him to stop and face you, removing his head phones and putting his hands in his pockets. "You're the new kid, y/n? Right?" He asked, but before you could answer he scoffed, "what do you need?"

"Ah, do you know where the volleyball club is meeting today?" You stood on one foot, bouncing slightly, which wasnt unnoticed by the male. "Im in the club, we're meeting in the gym." He answered before he turned to head to the gym.

"Is it cool if i walk with you then?" You asked, leaning to your left side to peek at the boy who scoffed before nodding. You smiled and he started walking, so you waddled after him. "Ah, whats your name?" You asked taking big steps to match the tall males natural stride. "Tsukishima Kei. Call me Tsukishima."

You realized that maybe he wasn't the type to like conversations based on the annoyance in his tone, so you just followed behind silently until you arrived at the gym. The team were doing warmups of their own already while a few males had stood around and talked amongst themselves. "Woah, Tsukishima! Is that like, your girlfriend or something?"

You saw a small male, with a noticably bright streak of blonde hair smack dab in the middle of his forehead. "Im Nishinoya Yu!" He grinned and stuck out a friendly hand, which you took. "Ah, actually im new here, I just asked Tsukishima to show me the volleyball club." You giggled at the charismatic member.

"What– what did you come to the club for? Are you trying out to be the new manager or something?" A taller, nearly bald male said, appearing behind the shorter male. Tsukishima groaned and walked off to the other side of the gym. "Ah, im actually here to see a friend." They both looked at each other then turned to the third years.

"Daichi, do you know her?" Nishinoya asked, pointing at you and the gyms attention was on you. You put your hands up and waved in defense "ah wait, im actually here to see–"

"Oh, whos this?" A familiar voice said and you turned to the entrance of the gym to see Kageyama Tobio. His eyes widened in shock and he froze, dropping his water bottle as you smiled widely at him. "Kageyama!" You shouted and ran to the male, wrapping your arms around his neck, giggling lightly as he stood frozen in shock.

"Y-y/n..?" He asked and softly pushed you off of him, looking at you with a glare that also had a hint of confusion fused in. "What are you doing here?" He asked, even though he knew exactly what was going on. He saw your uniform and heard about a new student who had transferred to their school. But why you?

"Well, I moved here and thought, why not transfer to your school?" You smiled as all the boys headed over. A orange haired male walked around you, inspecting you, bouncing around with an energetic presence. "Are you and Kageyama dating?"

"You moron!" Kageyama yelled and slapped hinata on the back of the head, causing the orange haired males expression turn sour. You jumped lightly and rubbed the short males head "ah, tobio." He whines and looks up at you and pouts at Kageyama. "Your girlfriend is way cooler and nicer than you."

"Ah, im not Kageyamas girlfriend, we're family friends," you say to the small male, and he thinks for a minute. "Ah, this is y/n?" Hinata asks and Kageyama pinches his ear, dragging him away while yelling at him. You smile and turn to the other males, seeing the captain walking over towards you.

"Hello, im Daichi Sawamura, call me Daichi." He says and bows. "Im Y/n L/n," you greet back. You were allowed to stay and watch the practice, and he even introduced you to the other team members and the coaches. The whole practice you watched Kageyama, who would occasionally shoot glances at you. You also noted that he wasn't doing really well, he seemed really distracted.

After practice ended, you stood up, slinging your bag over your shoulder and attempted to approach him, but he exited the gym as quickly as he could. You were slightly shocked and just decided to text him, hinata sneaking up on you. "Hey y/n, how do you know Kageyama?"

"Hmm, oh! Our moms are best friends, so kageyamas family was always welcome at out family get togethers," you stated, not taking your eyes off of your screen.

(Sent September 23rd at 8:05 pm)

Y/N: [hey kageyama, do you want a ride from my mom?]

Daichi called for everyone to exit the gym, so you put your phone into your pocket and exited with Hinata and Nishinoya. "So, Kageyamas girlfriend?" Noya asked and you laughed, "im not his girlfriend, again." You correct as you two walk to the bike racks for Noya and Hinata to grab their bikes.

"Hmm, well a friend of kageyamas is a friend of mine!" Hinata smiles and mounts his bike, wide and bright smile, when you hear a honk. "Ah thats my mom, I'll see you guys again!"

"Wait, do you want to eat lunch with us tomorrow?" Nishinoya asked, mounting his bike. "Ah, I'll think about it, it was nice to meet you guys!" You wave goodbye to the males and jog over to your moms car, climbing into the passenger seat.

(Sent September 23rd at 8:09 pm)

Kageyama: [no.]

#as i am*series #kageyama x reader #kageyama tobio x reader #kageyama tobio au #kageyama tobio fanfic #haikyuu fanfic #hq fanfic

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prisonhannibal · 4 years ago

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how long does it take you to do a drawing from start to finish?

varies a lot, especially bc a lot of my drawings are comics and involve several drawings for the same thing. for comics I let the smaller panels be a bit more messy than if I’m just doing one drawing so the drawings take less time separately, but since im doing a lot it takes longer. for chest up portraits probably like 2-3 hours? more detailed drawings with one character about twice that time. drawings with two+ characters but no background and joke comics that arent that detailed and dont have detailed backgrounds take about a day. some stuff takes several days tho I think I worked on this one on and off for a week, and when I actually finished it I had spent 14 hours drawing that day. I was so proud of myself for that one lmao I worked rlly hard

basically if I draw one character or ship art with a colorful square as a background it takes a day or less. stuff with detailed backgrounds or multiple panels can take several days

#iamoutofideas

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themikewheelers · 6 years ago

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Hey! Im pretty new to the fandom (since like summer) and i was wondering if there were any crazy fan theories before s2 came out? Like the speculation over s3 has really got me thinking how much people predicted before the show came out last time? I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts so thanks ♥️

Okay so crazy fan theories idk if u mean crazy like, funny, or crazy like INTENSE so I’ll just answer for both lmao. There were a LOT of funny theories before the show came out. I mentioned one of them the other night, which was the El/Mike MORPH theory, but if u didn’t see that post, basically when the first s2 teaser came out there was a shot from the scene of El and Hopper’s fight where El is crying. It was the first look we got of El in s2 so that was the first time we were seeing her curly hair and all that, and also in the shot (which didn’t make the final cut of the show) she was covering her face, so at first we weren’t 100% sure if it was her. Millie and Noah ended up confirming that it was, but a LOT of ppl were still convinced it was Mike, which led to a bunch of ridiculous theories that in s2 El was going to morph into Mike, that they were actually the same person, there would be a body swapping plotline, etc. like there were a lot of variations of it but it can all be p well grouped under the same theory. The main other FUNNY theory coming to mind is my personal favorite, PregNancy. A completely baseless-yet-popular theory that was exactly how it sounds, Pregnant Nancy. It rlly only started bc in the trailer they included the shot of Nancy crying in the Holland’s bathroom, so a lot of people ran with this whole idea that she’s crying cause she just took a pregnancy test and there were a lot of spiraled out theories like whether it was Steve or Jonathan’s baby and all that. Those are the two main comedic theories from s2 that I remember and ppl who were here for them can all remember hauntingly and joke about

As for ACTUAL theories, jeez there were a LOT. There were some rlly good ones too. I remember a rlly popular one was that after someone leaked some set pictures of Millie filming the scene where El gets off the bus in Chicago, a lot of ppl started theorizing that Eleven was hiding out there with some friends Hopper had there or smth (Now we know that “the city” Hop used to live in was New York, but we didn’t know that pre-s2 so ppl figured it might be Chicago and he had an old apartment there or smth). There were also a LOT of theories centered around the tunnels, bc that was some of the only plot hints we had going in to the season. People caught on pretty quickly after the trailer came out that the drawings in the Byers house were a map of the tunnels, and stuff spiraled from there. I remember one theory I personally believed was that the tunnels were what Will used in the Upside Down to get around and hide from the Demogorgon. Another big theory was that the red cloud that the Mind Flayer appeared in in Will’s visions was going to be an actual physical storm coming to Hawkins, which came p much from the few shots of it in trailers alongside the fact that the show originally released some fake episode titles when they announced s2, and one of them was “The Storm”. The old title for “The Lost Sister” was actually “The Lost Brother” and a LOT of theories came from that, ranging from pretty accurate like it being another experiment, to completely off base, like one I remember was it being about a 4th Wheeler sibling (Mike’s twin) who died (p much just came from the fact that Mike has a bunk bed). OH and if you remember the DnD scene at the end of season 1, aka everything with the proud princess, the lost knight, and the weird flowers in the cave? Everyone was CONVINCED those were supposed to be clues for season 2. Literally 99% of s2 theories mentioned those 3 things, and in the end they were complete red herrings. A lot of theories also came from Dragon’s Lair, as the Duffers hinted a lot that there would be symbolism in the game. Now we know that “symbolism” was rlly nothing more than foreshadowing that Lucas would end up with Max and not Dustin (”Princess Daphne is still mine!”) but for a long time we thought it was PLOT foreshadowing. And lemme tell you anon, I personally did SO MUCH research on that game and watched the gameplay so many times making theories. The plot of the game is about a knight rescuing a missing princess from a dragon, and a lot of ppl (me included) thought that was going to foreshadowing for Mike saving El from whatever was the reason she was still missing. For a LONG time ppl thought El was going to be in the Upside Down for a full year. If you read any pre-s2 fics, there’s a good chance that’s going to be referenced, bc for so long we didn’t have ANY clue where she could be so we just assumed she was stuck in the Upside Down as a default. It wasn’t until a year after the show came out that it was confirmed she’d been out of the Upside Down since the beginning. So yeah for a long time there were a LOT of theories about the kids doing a rescue mission to the Upside Down. Another theory that came from Dragon’s Lair was that Dustin was going to die, bc his character dies in Dragon’s Lair and people thought that would be similar foreshadowing to how in s1 Will’s DnD character was taken by the Demogorgon, then that’s what happened in real life. Speaking of character deaths, a LOT of people thought Steve or Hopper were gonna die. There wasn’t rlly explanation behind it, but everyone kinda agreed, their character arcs as of the end of s1 were set up well if the show wanted to kill one of them off. Another big plot theory that I remember was that the Upside Down would be spreading to the real world, bc the tag line for season 2 was “The World Is Turning Upside Down” and people connected it back to Mr Clarke’s line about how the gate could swallow everyone up whole. That theory KINDA became true and the gate was spreading in s2, but it wasn’t the plot of the season or anything, and it wasn’t near as serious in reality as people theorized it to be. There were a also LOT of theories about Will too, and a lot of them were some variation of Will having powers. Oh and since one of the episode titles is “The Spy” there were a lot of theories about who the spy was, the most common ones I remember were Max, Billy, Bob, and Hopper. The first 3 bc they were the newbies (no pun intended on Bob’s end) and Hopper bc we kinda knew he had some connection going on with the lab, but didn’t know the nature or what was going on or anything. OHMYGOD and how could I forget the Thessalhydra. The FREAKING Thessalhydra. Another DnD related theory that I spent HOURS of my life dedicated to researching only for it to amount to NOTHING. The Thessalhydra is another DnD monster, and it was also mentioned in the campaign at the end of season 1, and everyone was convinced that would be the new monster from s2. There weren’t a lot of theories about the Mind Flayer going into season 2 just because we didn’t know enough to even have theories, but almost every theory that did exist assumed that the shadow monster was the Thessalhydra coming to Hawkins following the Demogorgons defeat. Another one I remember is since we got shots of Joyce, Hop, and Bob wearing scrubs in the trailer, people thought they were going undercover in a hospital to either 1) kidnap Will out of it or 2) steal medical files.

As for theories that were accurate, there was a surprising lot. Honestly in reality a LOT of stuff that happened in season 2 was stuff ppl either theorized about, but their theories went WAY more in depth & went beyond what actually happened, or it was smth ppl figured was too obvious to be true. So honestly in the end we definitely OVER-theorized a lot for s2. El and Hop was one of them. Hopper hiding El in a secret cabin in the woods was one of those things that everybody in the fandom thought about, but most of us thought it was too predictable to be true (especially because one of those original episode titles was literally “The Secret Cabin”). Everyone pretty much assumed that Dustin’s pollywog was really the slug Will threw up, and there were even a lot of theories about it being a baby Demogorgon (though I don’t think ANYONE anticipated the demodogs). Or like I mentioned before, a lot of theories about El going to Chicago, but none of them were even CLOSE to what really happened. Kali’s original name in the show was Roman, and they kept her SUPER secretive. When the final trailer of the show came out, they included a shot of the gang wearing masks, and I remember someone was able to figure out that one of them was Roman/Kali, and that’s rlly all we knew about her going in. I actually remember someone sent me an ask back then thinking that the girl next to her might be El in a mask too, and I specifically remember looking at that picture thinking “Nah that’s not her” bc I mean, no one expected anything like episode 7. They had announced there was going to be an independent episode, and I remember our theories ranged everywhere from a musical episode to flashbacks of the year between 1 and 2 to a whole episode dedicated to Terry and MKUltra. But at no point did anyone come even close to figuring out the truth. There’s a lot of smaller details ppl anticipated too, like the Stancy breakup or Bob’s death, and even a good chunk of the plot honestly, even if no one rlly theorized the exacts, the whole kinda premise and concepts we had brought up a lot before and we had loosely figured it out. But there was also so much stuff no one ever thought of before, like the Demodogs or everything with ep7 or the lab shutting down or Will getting possessed.

All in all honestly we did a pretty good job. Everything we COULD figure out based on the information we had we did for the most part, to the point where honestly this time around the show is being WAY more secretive in s3 because they don’t want us to figure stuff out again. Like I said before, honestly we over-theorized, we took all the information we did and definitely overthought everything a LOT and ended up going a lot more intense with it than what ultimately happened in the show lmao

#this is so long im SORRY #theres so much im forgetting too like this is all off the top of my head #god s2 theories were such a ride i cant wait till we have more s3 info and can rlly start with theories for that

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nonsensicallycereal · 6 years ago

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WHOO

fHEY BOIS N LADS I JUST SPENT 3 HOURS MAKING LIANDRON A

CODED BIO

IT’S TOO LONG TO IMAGE HERE BUT IM RLLY PROUD ACTUALLY

HERE’S A PIECE:

HHH ITS ,,, SO GOOD

and also thanks infinitely to @frxemriss for their fantastic layouts without which i would be floundering like a lost fish, gj dude ur a coding master

now time to go draw summat for him that’ll ruin my new perfect bio haha

#cerealstupidity #flight rising #fr #bio share #HHHHHHH

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meitanreax · 5 years ago

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day 3

wooooo 11 days left now!!! i’m glad it’s finally fcking over!! today was so long...JFSLFJ and im glad..i can just...fucking lie down....and chill!!

so as i said, i left around 1230 am..got to my cousins at 2 and then drove to this vacation area! the area is called baguio....like baguette + mario or something!!! i took some photos on the ride there, here it is :3

the mountain roads were so fucking windy!! holy shit and i was sitting in the back and i woke up really disoriented and i really was dehydrated and needed to pee..it was the worst!!! i threw up a couple times in my mouth and i have never felt that shitty in a car ride before besides being hungover in the car!!!

we drove to a country club and had breakfast! ^_^ i had sausage, and they had a omelette bar, and then rice and bacon ofc and fruits!!!

the country club was so pretty..imo it’s prettier than the place we’re staying at right now but it’s ok!! it’s only a night here HEHE here’s some more photos of the country club we ate/hung out at!

afterwards, we went to some lil market place that sold ube jam, mango jam, and stuff!! my mom asked if u wanted anything but then like they only had..peanut brittle left and i was just UMMMM

HUH

LOL no thanks!!! but i got magnolia ube ice cream! :D the type ur friend likes, and it’s rlly good ^.^ i think it’s one of the best ice cream i ever had!! here’s the little market area, it had a viewpoint of the place around us and it was superrrr pretty!

very green and luscious!!! america could never!!! anyways we went back to our hotel to drop off some stuff, but they wouldnt let us check in til 2...so then we went and walked around!! we ended up at a park, like i said and they had a lil roundabout for the horses we can ride on :D

so i guess for ur challenge, mine was completed through riding a horse!! i actually felt really calmed since it was just trotting around LOL, i kinda felt bad tho cuz i didnt know how much the horse was overworked >.< but overall, it’s calming! my butt started hurting but i was like wow! ~~old time aesthetic~~ LOL and holding onto the bridle/sadle just makes u feel more sophisticated! im not sure HAHA

ez had a horse named princess, and i had the black/brown horse named anton LOOOOLLLLL idk it reminded me of legend of zelda !! i was link!! but BRO LOL THEY FUCKING ALWAYS DYE THE WHITE HORSE’S HAIR AHHHAHAH i dont know why!! LOL

also side note, while we were driving to the hotel, i witnessed some dummy people causing a gridlock LOL i took photos of it. so like i said u know how people drive in the wrong lane, this dude was, and couldnt like go through this 4 way stop, and then some guy who was supposed to turn left into the right hand lane of the other side, couldnt!! and we were stuck there for 4 minutes LOL

anyways, we had a big lunch at the hotel we’re staying at!! the area was actually pretty nice and cool, it’s not too humid here surprisingly O:

here’s some more photos that i took on the walk ^.^

anyways, my cousin and i ran up to the room so we can play mobile legends and then so i can call with u HAHA i thot it was cute we all played together and u were getting really invested into it ;-; made me excited and happy to see u bonding with my family !!! :3

but we are resting!! my dad passed out and has been snoring really loud, and ever since i ended the call w u i cant possibly fall back asleep for a nap >.< ill just wait for tonight so its easier for me to knock out!! hehe

me and ez just watched horror game let’s plays again and have been eating chips!! ill probably shower then head to sleep soon tho o:

i love you so so much baby! thanks for putting in lots of effort and care into these lil things you do for me:D im excited to see you in person!! we only have 11 days left and that’s literally like the time we spent apart in summer!! we can def do this ^_^ esp if u keep hunting for ur shiny ponyta, i think hours will go by faster HAHA (tbh..it is so hard for me to keep hunting on pokemon for scorbunny..i have no energy)

a CHALLENGE for you!!!! : ur challenge is to pick 3 songs that could represent ur day (friday) and put them into ur next post!! and explain why!! also add more songs to our playlist u dummy!!!

i hope you have fun in santa fe bebu!! i love u so much! forever! more than anything! with all my heart!! hehe WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER SOON!! and we are one day/one hour/one minute closer to being able to hold and kiss each other again :> hehe luv u lots!! i miss u sm and so does buny!!! I AM PROUD OF UR PUPY EDIT BTW HAHAHAH

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cluelessmochi-blog · 8 years ago

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seat neighbor taehyung.

doesn't understand the concept of personal space && the fact that he's so tall and basically a tree with its branches hanging all over the place doesn't help either

so when he falls asleep

which is like 80% of the time

you have to deal with a sleeping taehyung on your shoulder or sprawled over the whole desk

and like

at first you brushed him off resulting in him yelping as his head fell onto the desk and he looked so offended and insulted it was kind of cute

but now

you don't mind bc he is handsome and somehow its cute b UT AT THE SAME TIME HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO STUDY WTH ???

but you kind of cope with it since you got used to it somehow ???

the other 20% in class is spent with him asking you for basically anything bc he has never something on himself

"can i pleasseee get a pen ??"

"um...would you mind giving me a piece of paper?"

and so on

so you just

give in && obey to his every will because how can you say no to this cute face ???

but when the person behind you even dares to ask, you will just say no and they're mostly like ?? why ??? while tae is like :^) and ur just like ???

basically, it's weird sitting next to tae since you're always short on stuff && confused about your life choices but it's also kind of comfy

like he is never annoying or late to class && most of the time he shows up ( even if he just sleeps for the whole hour )

you don’t even question his weird behaviour since u got used to it

its also nice bc you always have some music next to you

the reason is tae will always listen to music when he’s sleeping and it’s not even loud

but

since he’s so close while napping, you’ll always get to listen what he listens to

tbh it’s such a weird mix

it fits him

like sometimes it will be slow ballads

then full on hip-hop

there is no in between and it’s just like him

like he is either doing something really passionately or sleeping

that’s how you know him at least

however one day while he is soundly sleeping next to you, his head casually on your shoulder while you’re concentrating on thESE GODDAMN EQUATIONS LIKE WHAT IS MATH ???

so you were sitting there trying to understand the lesson while absentmindedly tapping your shoe to the rhythm of the song that taehyung’s been listening to

and then you notice

that this type of music is so different from the rest ?? like it’s kind of jazzy but so soothing

and it’s just instrumental

but you like it even though you’ve never heard it before

so after class you awkwardly walk up to him bc u never rlly talked before after class but it’s cool right ??

so you just

and it’s so awkward at first like taehyung doesn’t even notice you talking to him bc he’s too tall he cant hear u

no but srsly

you grow kind of impatient and just lightly tap him

and taetae has a thing for being dramatic so he whips around looking shook af and you just ?? what is this living meme ??

you straight up ask him what is this jazz song that he’s been listening to bc you found it so unfitting for his usual choice of music

and with straight up asking i mean stumbling over your own words like a mess bc college made you a mess now you live the mess life

and tae is too pure he doesn’t even question you knowing his taste in music even though the both of you are barely on first name basis

and he just kind of radiates all of a sudden ??

and you’re like holy shit what did i do

then you’re suddenly dragged out of the room and you want to scream bc what is hAPPENING ???

but you stay quiet since you’re interested and he clearly wants to show you somerthing ?? you guess ??

so after 5 minutes of strolling over the campus with kim taehyung as your guide

you find yourself back in a place you’ve probably been like 3 times ??

the official music room of the college

and you’re kind of stunned while only looking at everything, not noticing that tae is holding a literal saxophone in his hands

as soon as you notice you kind of question him even further ??

but knowing taehyung he’s probably just playing around like he does with his other friends

n O YOU DON’T STALK HIM SHUSH

back to the scene where the both of you are in the music room

so he just grins his rectangular grin while looking so proud and suddenly he starts playing

and you swear

your breathing stops for a second

reason one is you never heard such passionate and jazzy sounds being played live before you and only for you

and reason two is you never expected taehyung to be the person to show you something like that

don’t understand this wrong tho like you knew he is more than he seems to be because he’s sleeping 80% of the time and still doesn’t fail ?? lIKE HOW BOI U A WIZARD ??

no but you never expected this

so you just sit down on the ground while looking at this goof who was literally napping on your shoulder minutes ago

and now he is here

playing like a professional and giving you a private concert

and when he stops you’re somehow sad bc it was so beautiful and you kind of didn’t want it to end

you’re still staring at him completely surprised and shocked with your mouth agape while he’s grinning and out of breath

but he looks

so content

you can’t help but stare

and it’s not only the art he produced seconds ago you are so stunned by no it’s taehyung himself bc he literally is art

WOAH YOU’RE GETTING CHEESY SNAP OUT OF IT

and you’re the one who gets out of the daze first by taehyung jumping into your face with his cheery expression while screaming

“AND??”

and you’re like

omg om omgomg g

why is he like that

SO YOU JUST TRY TO MATCH HIS CHEERY ATTITUDE AND THROW YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR LIKE

“YOU’RE PHENOMENAL!!”

since you’re not only talking about the music b uuuttt,,

anyways he just chuckles and yanks you up to stand again and suddenly he gets shy

“thank you...”

and you’re still like how ?????? why do u do this ???

you can’t help it he’s just so pure

that’s how you got introduced to saxophonist kim taehyung

and you bet your ass he is going to jump into your face after every lesson so you will accompany him to the music room

“(Y/N) !! I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR SO LONG LEMME SHOW YOU !!”

“KIM TAEHYUNG WE HAVE A TEST TOMORROW!!”

“.....please ?”

“ok...”

aND YOU JUST CANT SAY NO OK

so you always get dragged to the music room after class ends and actually you don’t really mind because through this you get to know him better + you’re able to listen to this a+ fantastic music

you find out why he’s always so sleepy in class and it’s basically bc he always works on new music and mostly with his friends who have no classes in the morning

so he forgets to go to sleep

and you just kind of face palm but at the same time ?? it’s cute ?? it’s weird ??? it’s tae

also you get to know how much of a sucker for little kids he is when you have to take care of your nephew bc your sister is like sry gtg !!! and ur like im in college how should i take care of a child for a day ???

and it’s basically illegal but pshhh ur sister doesn’t care

so you come to the music room one day with this 4 year old boy who is so shy around you and you just ?? idk maybe tae will know what to do

and as soon as you enter the room with this kid tAE ALMOST COMBUSTS BC WHO IS THIS CUTIE RIGHT HERE ???

needless to say tae befriends the child so easily you’re like ?? wth ?? i’m his aunt

ur like :^( and tae is like :^) and the child is like :^))))))))

bc he literally starts to love taehyung and they’re playing around while you’re watching and ur kind of mad

but at the same time you’re happy

because iT’S SO CUTE

so when it’s time to say goodbye, tae’s heart breaks a little since he has to let go of this cute child even tho it’s only been like 2 hours he cAN’T

your sisters sees this and is like

“well if your boyfriend is so eager to take care of him, he shall visit his aunt more often!”

aND YOU JUST GO RED WHILE TAE GRINS FROM EAR TO EAR AND YOU JUST ASSUME THAT HE’S TOO OBLIVIOUS TO NOTICE THAT SHE BASICALLY CALLED YOU BOTH A COUPLE BC HE’S IN LOVE WITH THE KID

so as the both of them leave and you wave them goodbye you’re so nervous && embarrassed while your sister winks at you

you’re like ??? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ??

and after that you don’t even talk about your sister calling taehyung your boyfriend because nobody brings it up so you just ?? shrug it off ?? even tho you’re somewhat sad ??

until one day tae doesn’t show up to class

and you assume he’s sick because he never skips classes

so then when a week passes without the two of you seeing each other

you get worried and start asking around on campus if somebody knows where he is

finALLY !!! someone helps you and it’s jungkook as you will later find out, tae’s roommate along with somebody named jimin b ut that’s later :)

so you get guided by jungkook to the boy’s dormitory and you feel so ouT OF PLACE ?? like everywhere are boys or girls who are in a relationship with a guy who’s living here

but anyways

you open the door and there is the tree you’ve been missing

sprawled on his bed with sheets and empty cups which were once filled with instant noodles covering his body

jungkook and you both sigh simultaneously bc honestly ?? he’s such a mess

“he’s been like this for the past week.”

u just look up to the other tall male and there are literal question marks in your eyes

jungkook just chuckled at you and shrugs

“you know musicians....they struggle. even when their muse is right in front of them.”

aND YOU’RE STILL LIKE ????

jungkook is like do we have a taehyung 2.0 or why is this girl not understanding what i’m saying

so he just grips your shoulder turns you to tae still being passed out and then back and kind of shakes you

“ HE LIKES YOU OK “

AND YOU’RE LIKE AAAAAAA

bc what is this rollercoaster of emotions ???

taehyung is getting up because the shouting of his roommate interrupted his peaceful slumber so he’s trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes while smacking his lips

and iT’S CUTE

he’s cute

and he’s like half asleep as he watches the both of you standing in the door frame

“who likes me ?”

AND KOOKIE IS AT THE VERGE OF EXPLOSION BC WHY DOES HE HAVE TO PLAY ARMOR

so he has enough and just pushes you on top of tae and leaves

pfft not his business

the scene was pretty hilarious, not for you tho

laying on top of each other in a sea of empty cup noodles and music sheets

and tae is stunned bc w HAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING HERE I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE WHAT

and ur like chill dude

b ut the only thing you get out is ‘hey’

AND HE’S THE SAME

and for the next two minutes, you just sit beside each other in silence and embarrassment bc ?? omg what

B UT THEN you decide it’s time to spill the tea because you’RE LIKE U KNOW FUCK IT

“soiheardyoulikemeilikeyoutooyourehonestlyreallycuteok”

and you speak so fast and are basically a tomato but he understands and just grins

so you’re like wha t

and he’s again :^)

tae randomly tackling you to the bed and you getting your breath knocked o UT HELP

and the both of you just stay like this for a while

however the peaceful silence is disturbed by tae teasing you

“you likeeeee meee”

“i can’t believe it either...”

and he’s like :^( all of a sudden

so you pANIC AND KISS HIS FOREHEAD BC WHAT TO DO SUNSHINE IS UNHAPPY

taehyung starts giggling like a little school girl bc he’s honestly so happy

AND THE LITTLE KISS

he takes it as an invitation to pepper your face with kisses b c HE’S SO HIGH ON SKINSHIP

and also remeber that he doesn’t understand personal space ? well yeah he really doesn’t

so yOU’RE LIKE STAHP

but it’s in a playful manner so just laugh and it’s so lovely and cute

and you never had imagined that kim taehyung would ever like you

bc honestly he is handsome !!!111 LIKE REALLY

even teachers sometimes hit on him

and he’s always nice

so you’re like h OW COME I DESERVE YOU

after play fighting with tae tae you ask where he’s been

and he becomes this shy bean again and rUBS HIS NECK AND IS LIKE

“i’ve liked you for a while now....and i wanted to confess. but in a special way you know ? i wanted to do it with a song.”

a ND YOU’RE ON THE VERGE OF CRYING BC HOW CAN SOMEBODY BE SO PURE ???

s O YOU JUST TACKLE HIM AGAIN AND HE CHUCKLES BC HE FINDS YOU SO ENDEARING AS WELL

ehem moving on

you find out that he finds it lacks something and gives you his headphones to listen to it

after a while you actually agree with him and he gets kind of sulky like ‘i knew it :^(’

b ut you’re quick to interject likE NO NO NO I MEAN IT’S BEAUTIFUL BUT IT DOESN’T SOUND COMPLETE

“hm....but why tho.”

“ you say it’s a confession right?”

you again turning red with the thought and h e nods

s O YOU JUST BLURT OUT

“well how ab out you singing i mean a confession is kind of through words and i like your voice it would be so ni ce.”

at first he looks at you in diseblief

then he’s thinking

then finding the idea ridiculous bc what ?? m Y VOICE ?? nononononon i can’t sing

but maybe jimin could sing the lyrics or even kookie ??

and ur like n O IT HAS TO BE YOU !!

and he whines bc whyyyyy

you’re just like you’re the one confessing right ?

“right...”

then you will sing !

at this moment: you: >:^) tae: >:^(

b ut you get what you want since you’re so pretty and cute and tae doesn’t know how to say no to a cute face like yours

and THE SONG IS PHENOMENAL JUST LIKE YOU EXPECTED IT TO BE

and each of the boys ( whom you got to know while producing tae’s confession song ) agrees and they’re in awe at taehyung’s beautiful && soothing voice

at the end you’re like i knew it !! and tae is like yeah ok babe you’re the best

and you want to complain but he kisses you so it’s okay i guess ??

so then you ask for the name of the song because everyone agrees that it should be put on soundcloud so everyone can listen to it

“(Y/N)”

“yeah ?”

“no...(Y/N) is the name of the song.”

“W A IT NO!!”

“why not ? the song is literally about you !! and it is still for you, so its name is (Y/N).”

“TAE!”

“it’s already uploaded it.”

“goddamnit taehyung.”

he’s so smiley then :^)

after that everyone officially knows you’re a couple because well iT’S QUITE OBVIOUS ISN’T IT ??

also the thirst for tae’s voice is real

and you’re always so proud of your boyfriend

sometimes you don’t even feel worthy of being his girlfriend bc he’s so talented and you’re just ?? well, you’re you nothing more

and it’s on one of your date nights ( you both are sitting in the boy’s dorm while watching disney movies) when you start crying

“ don’t cry babe,it’s just a movie albeit it’s still sa-”

“it’s not the movie, tae.”

then you start explaining all the doubt that’s been lingering within your mind these past months of being together and he’s seriously confused as to why you can’t see what he sees

so then he goes on to explain why he fell in love with you

“(Y/N). You’re my muse. My everything. Without you, I would have never been able to show my true potential. You were always there to support me and even kept up with my weird antics. You never gave up on me and pushed me to my limits. I love that. But I also love you as a person. I’ve watched you since day one, since you walked into the class for the first time and became my seat neighbor. You’re so smart and nice and always so...perfect. You’re my inspiration. I love you.”

aND NOW YOU’RE CRYING EVEN HARDER BC WOW

and tae doesn’t know what to do ??? like help me ???

but you just kiss him all of a sudden and then he knows that everything’s good

“I love you,too, Kim Taehyung. Saxophonist, musician, singer or whatever you’ll be in the future. I’ll alway love and support you. No matter what.”

aND HE JUST SQUIRMS AND SQUEAKS AND NEEDS TO HUG YOU SO BAD HE ALMOST CRUSHES YOU

but it’s fine

because that’s how taehyung is

~~~

A/N: i hope you liked this imagine list thingy ~ might turn it into a series upon requests ^^ but for now, have a nice day ♥ requests here

#bts imagine #bts scenario #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts #bts fake texts #bts college #bts smut #bts v #bts taehyung #bts kim taehyung #bangtan

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stuntchica · 8 years ago

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i just keep getting so angry about hospital so im going to try and write down everything bad i can remember them doing to try and get it all out

when they first came to my house dr d completely waved off what i said abt not remembering childhood & being disturbed by that. he asked me to name a childhood toy & after i could he said ‘see, you can remember’ even though id literally seen that toy that morning & was remembering from,, you know,, my whole life not just my childhood

despite the fact that i was not a danger to myself or anyone else, dr d decided after seeing me for 20 minutes that i had to go into hospital. he said i could either come informally myself or he would have me sectioned

i was not told how long i would be there for. we were told to bring an overnight bag so i expected it to just be overnight. when i got there i was told that i’d be there for at least 2 weeks

when they first gave me the menu to order off i wasnt told that there was a Rule that i had to finish everything so i ordered the thing i thought id like the most even tho i knew there was stuff i wouldnt like with it

when the food arrived (pizza, peas & chips) i ate everything except the cheese on the pizza bc it was cheddar & thats a Bad Food(tm) & i was really proud of myself bc it was more than i’d had in one sitting for weeks. the exact words the nurse with me said were ‘this counts as a failure’

when the snack time came around no one told me the full list of options (weeks later i found out that chocolate was available) so i picked a yogurt. after opening it i realised it had bits in it but i was too scared to ask for a different one bc i didnt like any of the other flavours. i ate as much as i could but i rlly couldnt stand the bits. the nurse with me told me it was another failure but another nurse in the room, thankfully, replaced her & understood what had happened

i dont remember what happened on the rest of the first day bc my abandonment fear kicked in and i got really panicked when my parents had to leave

i dont remember the rest in chronological order, but lets see

the room i was put into had a leaky toilet. it would leak all night long and due to how the bathroom was the leak echoed. it sounded like a waterfall. every time they came to fix it it would break again later that day. my shower was also broken and wouldnt turn on

i had to have a blood test on a friday but they didnt send the bloods off straight away so i had to have another one the next monday. keep in mind that i have an intense fear of needles

dr d compared me going on the internet to drug addicts waiting in line for heroine, even after i explained that it was the only way i had to avoid isolating myself & tried to explain what i actually do there

i couldnt eat a meal and was told ‘if you dont start eating we’ll have to make you’ despite the fact that i was eating when i could & if i couldnt finish a meal i was eating chocolate that was in my room. also despite the fact i was an informal patient so that was literally not possible

dr d spent hours trying to convince & guilt me into agreeing to take medication, despite the fact that was the one thing i’d always said no to (fun fact! i literally cant swallow medication. no one took me seriously when i said that either). eventually tho the psychologist spoke to him abt it & he stopped

the first 2 weeks i was there i saw no therapists. at all. because it was the easter holidays and they were away. there was nothing to do all day except watch tv, colour, & play cards. despite the fact that we were all so bored we were not taken out of the hospital or allowed access to our phones

in fact, for the entire 2 months i was there i was only taken out by staff twice. both those times happened in the same day. and were to the same place. a costa that was in the main hospital. does it even count as going out if youre just taken to a different part of the same building?

i had to stay there for 2 months while actively suicidal patients were allowed to leave before their 2 week assessments were over

even my camhs psychologist admitted that she didnt expect them to keep me for more than 2 weeks

the hospital psychologist admitted that she had no idea why dr d was insisting i stay for so long

i was told i was going to be put on a meal plan. i told them that would make me lose weight bc it would further limit how much i could eat. they didnt listen to me and blamed me when i did, in fact, lose weight

for the first month i was there no one did anything about my weight. i had to keep telling them that was my main problem and i needed help with it. after their ‘help’ hindered more than anything i regretted bringing it up

one night we found a piece of paper saying ‘i have a knife and im going to use it to self harm or kill someone’. when we all got, understandably, scared the nurses patronised us and got annoyed with us

a nurse yelled at my friend for ‘not being polite’

my friend managed to run away from the hospital twice. there were warning signs that the rest of the patients picked up on. she nearly killed herself both times

my friend found a razorblade on a seat. she was so shocked to see it there she said out loud ‘there’s a razorblade’. she said later that she regretted alerting everyone to it bc the nurses obviously took it away. we still dont know how it got there

one girl brought in a pair of scissors. no one had thought to check her bag. luckily she didnt intend to use them for anything other than arts & crafts (& cutting her hair, which is how i found out about the scissors & told her to hand them in. yeah, they didnt even notice she had scissors until i pointed them out)

one girl stole a syringe from the medical room and used it to take the supplement out of her nose tube. they didnt notice for weeks.

one week i gained some of weight. when i was happy dr d said ‘thats not really enough to be happy about’. the next week a lost less weight than i had gained. he spent half an hour telling me about how much of a failure i was

dr d tried very hard to have me diagnosed with atypical anorexia despite me consistently saying ‘i want to gain weight because i know im unhealthily underweight’ and the fact that the reason i was admitted to camhs was bc i went to the doctor for help to gain weight

my parents came to collect me to go out every day at 1:30pm. one day by 3:30pm they still werent there. i was scared something had happened because i had no phone to text them using. eventually i was told that the staff had called them to tell them not to come, and no one had told me. i had a panic attack because theyd gone behind my back and this meant i wouldnt be able to text my fp all day. the next day when i saw dr d he said ‘youre nearly 18 isnt it a bit childish to get upset over not seeing your parents for just one day?’

an ot that i saw said that i ‘put on an american accent and smiled when it was pointed out’. what really happened was she asked if i had an american accent and i smiled out of awkwardness and said ‘i speak to american people so maybe i picked it up??’ bc i didnt want her to feel awkward. if she had asked me i would have told her that i wasnt trying to put on any kind of accent

we were allowed to watch the babadook and mama but the second we suggested a film about psychosis we were told no

me and my friend got yelled at for what was on tv once

they called the police on patients, multiple times, when it was clear that no one would have reacted violently if they’d just done their jobs right

my friend cried because she knew after she left hospital she would have a criminal record. she had punched a nurse by accident while having a panic attack

i was told i could go home & was being discharged. i emptied out my room and spent a great 2 weeks at home. then we were called and i was told i had to go back for a night

dr d always had an idea in his head of what was wrong with me, and if i said anything that went against it he’d tell me that i was either lying or in denial

dr d told me off for not looking at him and said it wasnt polite

dr d told me off for crying

dr d told me off for not feeling safe with my eyes closed

dr d told another patient that she was probably not autistic bc she understood what ‘pull your socks up’ meant

despite me saying that i wanted to be assessed for asd nothing happened. they told me that they would consider me to be ‘informally autistic’ but that meant literally nothing

nurses thought that they could get me to eat by sitting next to me and guilting me

very few nurses noticed that i ate chocolate after meals because i was aware of the fact that i wasnt eating much & i wanted to change that

i had to eat chocolate after meals bc no one listened to me when i explained my food issues and that was the only way to make sure i was eating

there was what was basically a riot. i wasnt there when it happened but its easy to see how people got that upset and angry

the day after the riot everyone was punished, even those of us who hadnt even been at the hospital

my friend was shut in the ‘rumpus room’ (padded room). its illegal to do that

it took a month before someone told me i was allowed to discharge myself

i spent two months in a psychiatric hospital. it was never explained why i was there in a way i could understand. dr d literally said ‘my colleagues ask why you’re still here’ yet he didn’t discharge me. if i hadn’t turned 18 im sure i would still be there. i wasnt diagnosed with anything. it made my mental health worse

this isnt even everything because my memory of then is very patchy

#yellow.txt #.txt #long post --#hospital --#food m --#calories m --#ed m --#doctors m --#ask to tag --#ableism ? --#medical abuse ? --#hospital tag

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