#i sometimes worry i come off as callous or uncaring

[all-pacas]

morning! like probably the rest of you i both slept and feel like shit. In a way, that’s why this tumblr exists for me, to detach: I’m on a personal level going to take a couple days off of news and phone alerts and block the politics tag, just to level out and calm down. And that means I’m also going to go back to my usual spam here. Disassociation. 🙃

[ashtraythief]

That post you just reblogged made me sob, wtf was that. Anyway I can’t stand Mary in the later seasons. She is super uncaring and callous towards the boys, which is just so hard to imagine because that is not how I pictured her at all. Ooof, I always thought she’d love the shit out of them. I mean, who wouldn’t? Your kids gave up everything up to avenge you, literal years of their lives. That just breaks my heart. Honestly, I just pretend Mary coming back never happened. Jody was a better parent figure? What is up with that?

Omg yeah, so good. Hurts in the best way.

I think my thoughts on this matter deviate from yours here, and I'll put my ramblings under a cut. 

I wasn't a fan of them bringing Mary back. I don't understand what the point was except that J2 wanted more time off and the writers/Show runners were too uncreative to go beyond which dead character can we bring back??? 

That being said, I really like the idea expressed in ameliacareful's post. I don't remember how callous I found Mary bc I've only seen S12 onward once or twice because they really lost me in S12 and I only finished to watch it all. I do kind of get it though. I mean Mary had a toddler and a baby, a husband and bam she's dead, bam she's back and her little children are grown men, living a life she never wanted for them and her husband is dead. Not to mention the time jump. I mean that alone is enough to fuck anyone up I'd think. As for loving Sam and Dean, they're not her Sam and Dean. They're grown men. She needs to get to know them first. Knowing someone wanted to avenge you is not a sufficient basis for love I think, because you love someone because of all their bits not just one thing. And Mary never wanted them to go on the revenge hunting train to begin with so she was probably more horrified than anything. I would have been. My beloved tiny babies growing up into giant hardened hunters? Ouch. Also when Mary was a parent before she died, she tucked her kids into bed, made them sandwiches, changed Sam's diapers and put bandaids on Dean's scratches and read them stories. She can't do any of that with Sam and Dean. She thought she'd spend her next 20 years watching her boys grow up, making them food, helping them/herding them with their homework, driving him to little league games, comforting them when they cry, etc. I mean a parent's relationship with a young child is so different from an adult child, I don't blame Mary for not knowing how to behave with them. Also, Mary is more than just a mom. She's a whole person and reducing her to just their mom makes her a really one dimensional character. The problem was that the expectation of course was there for her to be a mom, from the boys too and the show didn't do the best job to show Mary's struggle. They tried. But then there was the whole men of letters thing. And I kind of get that maybe Mary is so confused and displaced that she goes back to something that is familiar and unconnected like hunting but again, the writing was so weak. The subject of a resurrected woman confronting her grown children is so complex and they just… didn't do it justice. And don't even get me started on her and Ketch and the brainwashing. And then they killed her again for drama. that whole story just didn't work form me at all. 

As for Jody, I didn't really see her as a parent or mother figure. She's a mother hen type, sure, but I didn't see a parental relationship there. I do like her and her relationship with the boys, I just didn't see her that way. Sometimes, you just have a friend who does that caretaking, planning, worrying, mother henning thing, but it's not necessarily parental. At least that's my impression of that relationship. 

[mother-of-houseplants-2]

another stupid ugly terrible gross feeling that makes me feel like a bad person is feeling angry about people who never heard me when i told them about my abuse.

i’m not talking about teachers who ignored concerning essays or friends who laughed off complaints about parents as just silly preteen angst. no no no. it’s worse than that. sicker, meaner. angrier.

when i was 19, my parents had cps called on them because my little sister had a child abuse seminar at school and told her teacher that we had both been abused. i came home for spring break and there was a letter at the door. we were all in panic mode because my sister had broken the cardinal rule: you never tell anyone, ever.

i grew up trying to protect her. shield her. it kills me to this day that my parents put their hands on her the second i wasn’t there to take their anger out on anymore, the second i left. i felt like a monster; still do sometimes. i lay awake at night thinking about it. i abandoned my baby. i left her and she got hurt. i’ll never forgive myself.

when this all was going down, i tearfully texted my two friends. both of them had had their run-ins with cps as children. embarrassingly, i resented them for this too: that they got help and i didn’t. that the angry men in their houses went away and mine didn’t. that someone came and decided to protect them and help them and no one did that for me.

this is besides the point. it is another feeling i feel guilty about.

this happened so long ago, but i still can’t get over how callous their responses were. it was so… minimizing. don’t worry, it takes a lot for parents to get in trouble. nothing will probably come of it. and then - a change of topic.

as though, because no one stepped in when i was a child, what i went through couldn’t have been as bad as what they did. as though, because my mother never left my father, what he did couldn’t have been as terrible as what theirs did. as though, because i acted so put together and was able to do well in school and never went to therapy, my trauma couldn’t have been as bad as theirs. as though it wasn’t “a lot.” not enough.

i had this horrible moment - alone, barely an adult, terrified that my parents would lose custody of my sister and i would have to drop out of college to raise her - when i realized that no one could hear me. i was in this hole where all i could see was the way i was raised, and all anyone else could see was the top of my head, neatly combed, and they thought everything was okay. what’s more, they didn’t want to hear me. because then i wouldn’t be ami, who gets to be relatively normal. i would be ami, who was also abused.

and it’s not fair because they were also 19 and lonely and reeling from their own traumas. but i am angry about it now. i shouldn’t be; it’s stupid! irrational! dumb! it doesn’t matter anymore!

but doesn’t it though?

because i stopped texting as much after that. it wasn’t even a conscious choice. i just… felt so hurt and betrayed that i disengaged a little bit. and then a little more. and a little more. and a little more…

i text these old friends once every few months now. i wish them a happy birthday, a merry christmas. i don’t know what’s going on in their lives, who their friends are, how they feel about their new haircuts. i miss them, i miss their potential to be good friends to me, but i don’t miss feeling unheard. i don’t miss feeling uncared for.

but i miss them anyway. and i’m still so fucking mad.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

oh, and of course, my parents told us to lie. nothing did come of the cps investigation after all.

[sluttbuttsstuff]

Story: S/O found out she's pregnant and afraid to tell she is carrying a baby (or probably twins?) for two weeks and decided to keep it a secret. I would like to see Bucci gang's reaction being a little weirded out seeing their girlfriend silent or quick spoken, eating weird food cravings and would eat a lot, always going to the bathroom, then suddenly found a pregnancy kit, showing two strips.

All Characters depicted are 18 or older

(I didn’t include Giorno in this one, because depending on who you ask he either is or isn’t a part of Bucci gang. Hope you enjoy!)

Bruno was the first to know. Well, it’s debatable whether he knew or just really, really wanted it to be true. He saw you waking up at night for frequent bathroom trips, followed by unusual midnight snacks. He simply waited for you to come back to bed, starting a new nightly ritual-holding you from behind, placing his hands on your stomach. Bruno said you tasted differently; when he held you he felt something new, and yet something that felt so familiar, so much like the two of you combined. It was almost like welcoming a family member home after so long. When he heard the truth from you, he didn’t shout or jump up, run out into the streets passing out cigars. He simply smiled at you, nodding unsurprised. It was just right, and he was so excited for the both of you.

Leone, a former Policeman, could put the pieces together pretty quickly. He saw the way strong perfumes affected you, and the morning sicknesses were regular but not serious. He was actually the first one to convince you to visit the doctor-who confirmed his previous suspicions. Give him some credit: he might come off occasionally as callous, or uncaring- but those amber-lavendar eyes see EVERYTHING you do. And even though he’d prefer you didn’t know the depths he cared for you, and even though on your worst days sometimes you do, he CARES for you. DEEPLY. Deeply enough to give you nightly footrubs without being asked to. He tries to hide it, but he starts borrowing and reading child and baby care books he borrowed from Bruno. He separates a shelf in the fridge JUST for your own special food cravings. He will never bring it up, and might even try to deny it-but he’s very happy to be having this baby with you. It feels like a second chance on life, and he gets to live it with you.

Believe it or not, Narancia is the next person to realize you’re pregnant. Just because he has an elementary level of mathematics, and never finished school, doesn’t mean he’s a naive idiot. Don’t forget- this guy lived on the streets for most of his youth-he’s seen a lot of pregnancies happen to his friends and friend’s partners. He’s able to tell pretty quickly when you complain about nausea, and start eating food combinations you’ve never touched before. He brings it up to you before you bring it up to him-rather suddenly in fact. Narancia isn’t the type to think over his words carefully, and DEFINITELY doesn’t like the idea of keeping secrets between the two of you. He waits outside you bathroom, pacing back and forth waiting for the results. When you finally do come out with the positive result, he has to stop himself from picking you up and into a bear hug-he has to be careful around the two of you now. Narancia tries really hard to become a good father, although it isn’t easy to change overnight. If he hasn’t at least gotten a G.E.D. or Italian equivalent by this point, he makes sure to get that before his child is born. He also Goes on a shopping spree and buys baby clothes, toys, and other products every time he goes to a store-he just wants to give the child everything he never had. Secretly, he stays up at night sometimes worrying if he’ll end up being like his own cold, deadbeat dad, but he’s too ashamed to bring it up. Whether or not he tells you, YOU tell HIM that he’s going to be a wonderful father, and then he knows that you’re right.

Fugo takes a little longer, perhaps longer than you’d expect, to discover you’re pregnant. In fact, you might need to be the one to tell him, if not for the fact he notices your growing stomach and doctor appointments. It’s not due to disinterest in your life, or denial on his behalf. In all honesty, he just hasn’t had a ton of experience with women. His mom was cold and reserved with him at best, and though he tried to understand and sympathize with Trish, he never really got the chance to befriend her, at least not in canon timeline. When he does eventually find out though, he’s nervous but excited. He handles the news the way he handles everything-over preparing and researching the HELL out of it! He reads Bruno’s child rearing literature, takes Lamaze classes with you, hell, starts studying women’s health and OBGYN during his free time! There are a lot of scary, uncontrollable things about children and parenthood that sometimes scare him and make him question his ability to be a parent- but he WANTS to do this with you. And talking through his anxieties with you, and knowing that you will be doing this as a TEAM make him feel not only better, but happy.

Mista, bless his heart, is the last to know. Despite loving the ladies very much, he doesn’t necessarily pick up on your new ”quirks” as being related to pregnancy. You stopped drinking? Oh, maybe you’re trying to be healthier, good for you! You’re having odd cravings? Must be to replace the alcohol cravings! suddenly you start having sudden bursts of emotions and crying randomly that he begins to panic. Is this new health fad really good for you? What’s got you so upset? What? What do you mean he’s a ‘dense idiot’? Finally, when you spell it out for him, he takes about three seconds until…click! OH! That explains a lot actually. Hey wait a minute, you’re PREGNANT!! He’s so excited, hugging and kissing you excitedly, calling up his friends and debating with you over who should be the baby’s godfather. He’s very laid back about your pregnancy-not uncaring, just doesn’t know a lot as a first-time father. It’s important to communicate your wants and needs with him, but he’ll work with you, and takes on a lot more responsibility in preparation for your child. Actually, you miiiiiight have to talk him down a bit, he’s starting to consider having five or six more after this one…

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

Undead talk is my JAM let's keep going

Cleo, being an undead, had her fair share of unique circumstances (read; chaos) in terms of her soul, leaving it loose between her ribs and very, very obvious under the cloth of her tattered shirt that barely subdues the glow.

It scared her at first, because she knew what it was like to be ripped out of your body in a way no normal death could replicate, knew the feeling of your very existence being so utterly bare and exposed that she still doesn't feel completely safe even in the best of times. She doesn't want that again, and she'd never wish it on her worst enemy.

However, because of the sheer rarity that is Cleo's situation, she's found she can do things that no one else can, not even the mobs with the name she shares. Disregarding all the traits that come from inhabiting a body that doesn't need rest or sustenance (the normal kind, at least), Cleo's soul can be manipulated in ways she discovers throughout her journey in Hermitcraft.

As each season passes, all the armor stands Cleo was commissioned to build in others bases begin to have an energy to them that is very odd--almost frightening, but at the same time so comfortingly familiar that the hermits can't bring themselves to be worried. Cleo's creations start to breathe life into their surroundings, in a way that even an aesthetically driven builder such as Scar can't replicate. Mobs start to become less of a problem wherever Cleo's stands reside, and some hermits swear they thought they saw the statues move out of the corner of their eye.

Cleo puts a little of herself into every armor stand she sets up, more than just her artistic vision. She has a gift for what she does, and none stop to wonder the reason for it.

(Except Joe, of course. That nosy menace somehow already knew what was going on as soon as she first joined the server with him.) - M

Cleo sometimes comes off as a little cold and callous, maybe even uncaring...but in reality, she has filled the server with hundreds of silent guardians, ready to protect her friends at any moment. Each a piece of herself, each on watch for danger, spread as wide as she can manage. The dual purpose of beauty and safety is her gift to the world, and in spite of the fear she feels for letting parts of herself slip away so easily...she wouldn't have it any other way.

This idea is so well thought out. I love it so much, thank you!

- Mod Shade

[acsversace-news]

Episode three of The Assassination of Gianni Versace made me think about something that, inexplicably, I hadn’t consciously appraised until this point — just how good the acting is in this show. The fully-realized portrayals of the various parties had so fully lulled me into acceptance of the characters, that I didn’t even think of the skill on display. This hour, taking place roughly two months before the death of Versace (Edgar Ramiréz), focuses on another of Andrew’s (Darren Criss) victims, and the seismic ripples his crimes create for a victim’s family. The various stages of realization, grief, anger and everything else that accompanies Andrew Cunanan’s crimes are brilliantly realized by all involved.

*

“A Random Killing” focuses on the Miglin family, mainly Lee (Mike Farrell) and his wife Marilyn (Judith Light), and the repercussions of long-held secrets when violently exposed. We begin with Marilyn, who is filming an infomercial for her line of perfumes. We cut from the warm tones of the pitch itself — seen through the home shopping networks cameras — and the colder reality of a stark studio. We see the presented reality, and the truth. Finished with her pitch, Marilyn arrives at the airport, waiting for her husband to pick her up, but he never arrives. Taking a cab home instead, she wears a worried, edgy countenance. Arriving home to silence and melted, unattended ice-cream on a kitchen counter, she intuitively knows something is terribly amiss. With two neighbours happening by and helping search the home, the deathly silence and out of place items — side of roast beef with a large knife jammed into it sitting on a coffee table — create a strange, unsettling scene. It is not long before the police arrive and find Lee Miglin dead in the house’s attached garage. All the while, Marilyn is oddly prosaic, as if she knows what the outcome will be. When the officer does find Lee’s body and Marilyn’s neighbour rushes to tell her, Marilyn simply responds, ‘I knew it.’

We then zip back in time to see Marilyn introducing her husband at a charity luncheon, extolling the great works of Lee Miglin, the two playing the parts of perfect husband and wife. Sitting before a mirror, Marilyn removes her make-up and false eyelashes, regarding herself for a lingering moment. This episode revolves heavily around the themes of artifice and reality; the false faces we wear for strangers and sometimes those close to us — and underneath, our more hidden selves. As Marilyn is preparing for bed, Andrew calls Lee and tells him he will be in Chicago for a couple of days. Lee quietly closes his office door and makes a date. When they lie together in bed, Lee and Marilyn clasp hands as they fall asleep. They are two people who really do love each other, but also hold secrets that outsiders would never suspect, or probably understand.

Lee, waiting to see Marilyn off for her infomercial appointment we see at the start of the episode, slumps to the stairs and shows he is tired and somewhat discontent with his work. Marilyn asks if he is in one of his ”blue moods”. She is not callous in asking, but has the air of someone who is perhaps not always sure how to face up to her husband’s depressive moods. Marilyn gone, Andrew Cunanan arrives and again we are privy to accompanying someone in extreme danger and their total unawareness of that fact.

Lee shows Andrew his plans for what would be the tallest skyscraper in the world and Andrew is initially impressed. When Lee confides he hasn’t secured financing or broken ground yet, Andrew changes. He takes the chance to belittle Lee for trying to impress him, for showing him something grand that may never even exist — the exact things Andrew does to people every day. In that moment, Cunanan has a chance to belittle someone more important and successful than himself. He knows he holds the power here — he is the desirable object of Lee’s affection, and he can behave as he wants. When Andrew kisses him, Lee confides that he feels ‘alive’, he says, “I know it’s not real, Andrew. But you make it seem so real.” Miglin is someone who clearly exercises control in his life and business, accruing success and great wealth. But underlying the whole, brilliant portrayal is a lingering sadness. He is a loving husband and father, but he is also someone else. And he cannot be that someone else as part of his everyday life, and so he is massively conflicted and riddled with guilt. He knows he is committing infidelity, but these moments with Andrew are an explosion of colour in what has become a rote performance of life. As an older, respected businessman, Lee must find avenues of release in using the services of men, putting himself in potential danger. In Andrew, he has come across someone terribly unsafe. Moving to the garage, Cunanan ensures that Lee cannot fight back ,and takes the time to belittle him again before killing him. As we have seen in prior episodes, this is one of Andrew’s main motivations — bringing down those more accomplished than he  and attempting to destroy them totally in life and death. He takes the time to rip and burn Lee’s plans for his skyscraper, bringing his victim’s perceived abasement and destruction to fulfillment.

*

Marilyn, now a widow and able to mobilize the upper echelons of the police due to her family’s social status, goes into a mode of control. She is similar to Donatella Versace (Penélope Cruz) in this respect — women who feel they must protect and preserve the legacies of men close to them, without allowing salacious details to become public. Marilyn seems cold, but only in the sense that she is hyper-alert to what she needs to do. She is fiercely protective of Lee and her family and, by extension, public perception. Because of this, she will not allow herself to crumble under the grief, she will present a strong public face and, if that means appearing uncaring, then so be it. When she does finally lose control and weep for her lost husband, it comes from a place of memory. She recounts to a family lawyer the adventures she and Lee and shared — hot air balloon rides, becoming lost in a desert and Lee becoming her saviour — and through her tears, cries, “I loved him, I loved him very much… There, is that better? Am I a real wife now?” Marilyn shows that love can take many forms, can tolerate and accommodate much, can exists beyond what many assume constitutes ‘real love’ and ‘a real marriage’. Collecting herself, she tells the lawyer that this was, “… a robbery and a random killing.” Marilyn, like Donatella, now sees her duty as one of protection and mitigation, echoing Donatella’s sentiments of not allowing her beloved brother to be murdered a second time in the court of public opinion.

*

We then cut to Andrew ditching the car he has stolen from the Miglin house and finding his way to a cemetery. There, he accosts a grounds worker, and forces him into the basement of the sepulchre. The man confides that he has a family and children and would very much like to see them again. Without hesitation, Andrew kills the man and takes his truck. Cunanan has no attachment to human life, to emotional pleas; he simply takes what he wants, a truck or a life. He knows full well what he is and the path he is on. In his twisted world, in his ongoing descent, one more murder doesn’t change a thing.

[gritcitywallflower]

February 12, 2019

Two days. You’ve haven’t gone two days without texting me since we started hanging out. I guess that was it, a week. Did you look at a calendar and make a call? I can’t imagine you putting that much thought into it. I wonder what it was though, something I said, a sudden awareness you needed to stop, a conversation with someone? Was there someone whispering in your ear? I can’t imagine you letting someone else decide for you, but that’s not really what happens is it? The words of another person can cause you to view something differently, to reevaluate. Is that what happened? You were so conversational just the day before. I know it’s for the best but that doesn’t keep me from feeling the loss. I read a quote today that said something like, “everyone says time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what to do with the hurt I feel right now. Right now is when I can’t sleep, right now is when I can’t eat. Right now I can still hear his voice and feel his presence when I know he’s not there. Right now I keep crying. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I don’t know what to do with the hurt I feel right now.”

I miss you so much, miss the idea of you, miss the reality. I kind of hate that I start to smile and laugh when I tell people about some of your quirks that I loved so much because it doesn’t seem fair to still like so much about a person that you can’t see or be with and who has caused so much pain (inadvertently, but still). I’m really looking forward to my session tomorrow. I really need to talk about you and I have no one I can really do it with and still be able to express everything. And I know everyone wants to be encouraging, but I really don’t need to hear platitudes or about how maybe you’re still on the fence about me when I know you’re not. I wish I had more negatives to focus on, but there really was very little I didn’t like about you enough to hold on to.  

I know you weren’t perfect. You can be hypocritical about your work and work ethic, not that you aren’t a hard worker, but you make allowances for yourself that you don’t make for others. You can be surprisingly judgmental, offering no immediate compassion or forgiveness for people who you feel are lazy or addicted or rude. You wouldn’t immediately assume that someone who was rude to you was maybe just having a bad day or that the homeless person on the street might have had a life with more trials and tragedies than you can imagine. For someone who claims to be a pacifist, your first comment on any negative interaction is that it warrants physical violence. You let things get to you, stress you out and then let it flow out of you to those around you, the rest of us getting saturated by your irritation. You take things too far sometimes, oblivious to how those around you are doing. You throw out offers of help, but wait to be asked or reminded. Your unwillingness to engage first gives you an immediate advantage the rest of us have to chase after, and your lack of “worrying” about anything can come off as callous and uncaring. You can be more selfish and self-centered than you believe yourself to be, and the reason you change with every show you fall in love with is because you aren't sure of who you are yet. And still, somehow the imperfections are part of why you are perfect, to me, anyway. 

Another good quote today said something about how the amount you love someone has nothing to do with the amount of time you’ve known them.  

“…the sad part is, that I will probably end up loving you without you for much longer than I loved you when I knew you. Some people might find that strange. But the truth of it is that the amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them.”   ― Ranata Suzuki

What should probably be added to that is some of the biggest loves are the ones that are short, because there was no time for them to fade or become overly “real”.  I have no illusions that the above won’t be true for me; I’ll be hearing your voice in my head, wondering what you’re doing and imagining you near me for longer than I was actually with you.  

I passed along the tickets I got to the Thunderbirds to our mutual friend. I hope she can use them. I dunno, I could’ve gone by myself but then there’d have been an empty seat next to me – a reminder of why you’re not sitting there. She didn’t ask why I wasn’t using them, I’m not sure if that’s because she already knows why or whether she just assumes I can’t go. I might find out though, she’s checking with our other friend to see if she wants to get together on Friday.