#i sometimes think that as much as i hate it sometimes self-flaggelation is a way for your brain to trap yourself into improving

[touhoutivations]

"Unforgivable, unforgivable, unforgivable."

"Do you truly see yourself in such a way? Truly a pitiful sinner- one of the two greatest sins; believe yourself faultless or believing yourself nothing but fault."

"If you want any hope of salvation, you must be accustomed to change. You wish to know my verdict? A verdict is something only to be dictated upon the end, until then it is only righteous to for me to offer guidance. Whether you're right or wrong at present is entirely irrelevant- a conviction now would only lead to self-assurance that you need not grow."

"Instead, ask yourself- what is the way I can change now? What are the good deeds I can do today? Even if it's but a mere speck, even if it's simply keeping yourself alive- we are more than the sum of our actions and thoughts- but it is actions that sins and virtues are established. Settle your head, steady your hands- and do your best for the coming time."

[wild-at-mind]

TW- murder, transphobia, racism, incarceration, suicide

I remember in 2018 (I think that was the year) I went to a TDoR vigil at the cafe in the next city over, which at the time was the source of much of my LGBTQ connection, along with a meetup group I attended in the same area. The vigil ceremony was not ideal in many ways- some local reporters talked over part of the address, and during the name reading it was clear that the Latin American names were being pronounced wrongly. In the UK it can be harder to find someone who is culturally connected to Latin America who could do the reading or at least advise than it might be in the US, so I don’t know if they would have ever been perfect, but it seemed that pronunciation had not been even checked and it was really noticeable. But while there is room for improvement I still think it’s an overall good that this vigil happened.

The gathering in the cafe beforehand was better. I was very tentatively exploring my gender stuff back then, and being around so many trans and nonbinary people of all ages was very powerful. I remember seeing a group of older trans women who looked weary and tired talking at one of the tables.. or perhaps they were cross dressers. The line between them can be blurred, especially in older generations. And being a male cross dresser who doesn’t identify as a trans woman does not protect you from violence. One of the murder victims on the TDoR list this year is Jimmie ‘Jay’ Lee, a black self identified gay man in the US who was murdered while wearing women’s clothing. https://tdor.translivesmatter.info/reports/2022/07/08/jimmie-jay-lee_lafayette-county-mississippi-usa_348b20a4  Plenty of historical transfemme people identified variously as cross dressers or drag queens as well as trans women. I’m hardly the first to say this but I hope that an obsession with correct labelling in the LGBTQ community does not mean the important things get ignored.

At that 2018 gathering before the vigil the cafe was packed, full and standing. I felt a sense of community with people there suddenly, even though I didn’t know most of them, because I felt we were all coming together for something bigger than ourselves. I think it’s easy for something as personal and identity based as gender to become very inclosed in our own heads, especially for the comparitively privileged (Western, white, ok financially) and that’s something I’ve found difficult. For me at least, because of these things that I have and the comfort they provide, it can feel self indulgent to focus on myself. Coming together in this outward focusing way with so many trans and nb people at that time was incredibly moving and poweful. Especially important to me is that it had nothing to do with the kind of awkward self flaggellation that self conscious white queer communities can end up doing when trying to support people much more marginilised. I hate that this seems to be so inescapable sometimes. Though maybe that was a misguided view as I later saw an overview of some of the criticism of TDoR on wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender_Day_of_Remembrance  in the Reception section. (It uses a lot of language about ‘bodies’ rather than people, a language choice which I have seen pushback on recently from black people especially, so warning for that.) As a way to honour trans and gender nonconforming people who were murdered or took their own lives, it is vastly imperfect, as we saw from the badly done reading of the names I talked about earlier. It’s ok for things to be imperfect and nuanced, and I hope I will make an effort to actively learn more about these issues. It’s common for activists for a particular cause to be asked to think of and draw attention to related injustices, and I think TDoR should be no different. Starting in the UK, where I live, the story of Taylor really gripped me. Taylor was a trans man who in prison serving an IPP, Indeterminate sentence for Public Protection. He was in a situation where he had served 10 years over his initial sentence, due to the nature of the IPP, and had no release date. They no longer give out these sentences, presumably because they are inhumane, but they were not retroactively repealed. I encourage you to read more here: https://tdor.translivesmatter.info/reports/2022/07/09/taylor_wotton-under-edge-gloucestershire-united-kingdom_87fabb44 and here: https://iwoc.iww.org.uk/free-taylor/ (Note- this was written before Taylor’s death.) Taylor took his life in prison while under an insufficient suicide watch. Transphobia was one of the problems he faced in his life but it was one of many, and all were exacerbated by him being locked up for so long. This makes me want to learn more about UK prison advocacy- we have the highest rate of prison suicide in the world according to the IWOC link there, and that horrified me. A homeless man in my hometown who to be honest was mainly known for acting strangely in public (shouting in megaphone while wearing odd outfits- mildly annoying I guess but harmless) was jailed for one of those ‘crimes’ they get homeless people for, and soon after he took his life in prison. There was a shrine to him in the town centre when the news came. His name was Lee and they called him Superman because that was one of his outfits. It made me think of him and how fucked up the system is, if he hadn’t been locked up he could still be alive.

Got a bit rambly there. I hope it made sense. Sending my love to all trans and gender nonconforming people today. And I hope I can focus on the wider issues in UK society in the name of the amazing trans people I know, for the love of humanity and people of all kinds in our country.