#i sit alone at meals. i sit by people i'm friendly with in classes or as close to alone as i can. i spend most of my free time in my dorm

[mysunshine-youremoonlight]

.

[softysuho]

pretty boy & zombies

pairing: yunho x reader

summary: In the year 3013, the government unleashed their first wave of "natural selection". They took out elderly by offering a vaccine that was told to prevent further sicknesses and stated that it was mandatory. After the elderly were wiped from the earth, phase two was put into action. There they unleashed a monster. The government started the zombie apocalypse in hopes that the elite human race would show itself.

word count: 1.9k (a/n its been awhile and this is lowkey shit, I also can't figure out how to put "keep reading" in with the new Tumblr update, but I hope you all enjoy this drabble💖)

It was day like every other day, humid and way too hot for any sort of physical activity. The small house you sit in does little to keep the warm weather out, it was a cute place from what was left. There had been an old couple in here prior, from what you gathered. They looked cute and happy in the photos that were scattered across the walls. Most of the food leftover had gone bad, but they did have a decent amount of medical supplies. 

You sighed as you thought back to your home, your parents and your little baby sister. It was hard to keep track of the days you have been without your family, four or five months maybe. Your college days were long behind you now, no more parties, no more all nighters doing homework. Everything had been taken from you. 

On an average day supply run, you can still see the tall billboards, promising a better future. The face of the man who decided to play God and Mother Nature. What bullshit. You wondered if he is dead now, if the zombies got to him like they did to everyone else in the towns. 

One could only hope. 

As for other survivors out there, you know that there are some sharing the near city with you. One day stores could have shelves of food and the next day there seems to be half. Although you haven’t crossed paths with any. Who knows if they would be friendly. 

Maybe they’d put you out of your misery. 

Most days that sounded nice. To be able to join your family in the afterlife. Somedays you knew you didn’t want to die, the fear of what comes next after death chilled your bones. You certainly don’t want to feast off human guts and brains for the next eternity. What if the undead are still the people they were before? Maybe they can only watch themselves turn into a monster.  

As you were running low on filling meals, left with light snacks, you decided it was best to into the deeper parts of the city. It was risky, considering it used to be the most populated, but desperate times come to desperate measures.

You grabbed your gear and your sharp machete and adjusted your makeshift armor straps before taking off. Staying low in the tree was one of the safer moves, taking the longest way into the city in hopes of avoiding hordes. The nature was a beautiful sight, the refreshing smell of pine and the distant trickling of water. Normally it'd be calming if you didn't have to fear the undead lurking.

You wondered if nature would begin to go back in time, before the greedy human fingers that destroyed their beauty. However, you wondered if there would be any animal left once the zombies come and eat them as well. One could only hope they'll be okay.

As the trees began to thin out, you could see the city that used to home to many. The streets were covered in half eaten corpses, trash from the chaos and blood. In the beginning, this sight had you emptying your stomach in a near by bush, 10 deep breaths and one 'you can do this'. These days though, it was just the normal sight you'd become accustomed to.

Normally, these trips would be to the same grocery store you've been too for the last few months. You knew these roads now, and every nook and cranny on the way there. But today was different. You were tired of looking like you just crawled out of an old ladies closet, no offense to her. So you decided to head towards one of the stores with both clothing and food. Hopefully you'd find a new blanket to take as well.

There was a light pep in your step as you made your way there, a small amount of excitement you haven't felt in a long time at the thought of some new clothes. You wondered what else there would be there besides what you need and that thought was fun to think about. So similar to what would've went through your head before the destruction of humanity.

You stuck close to the walls of the tall buildings, trying to be as quiet as you could. You couldn't afford to risk being caught now, out in the open by the dead before you even had a chance to see how bad the rest of the city really was.

What you didn't realize, though, was how lost you were in your thoughts. You inched closer to that dark alleyway you would've avoided originally, one that could hide several lurking bodies within.

It was too late by then, a large and warm hand covered your mouth as an arm wrapped itself around your torso. Alarm bells were going off in your head, slowly realizing that you had to escape before you met your doom. Tears were threatening to spill from your eyes, praying to whatever was out there to let you live for another day.

"Would you shut up? I'd rather not regret saving your ass." It was a harsh whisper against your ear, but it did its job as you calmed in the unknown (hopefully) humans arms. "You were being followed." This time the voice was soft, hand finally falling away from your mouth to pull you closer and further into the darkness.

Only then did you notice the scuffing of feet and deep voices. You could tell they weren't far, and they clearly would've seen you walking alone at some point. A thousand 'thank yous' raced through your head towards the person behind you and you could only hope they could feel how thankful you were. You turned to look towards the stranger, only seeing that is was a male who was taller than you. Or at least, thats what you assumed.

The two of you stayed within the alleyways darkness even after the group walked past and out of ear shot. You heard a breath of relief behind you, followed by a brief brush of shoulders. As the man peered out from the darkness, you saw the messy mop of black hair and a quarter of his face. Inching closer to the man, your eyes popped over his shoulder and scanned for any signs of movement. When you both deemed it safe, he motioned you with his fingers and brought you in the opposite direction of the group.

"The hell were you doing out in the open like that?" He said above a whisper. However you were shocked by the way his eyes sparkled in the sunlight, simply managing a small shrug. He rolled his eyes at you in response, "I'm Yunho.. I've been living in that upscale apartment complex a ways down for about a month, and I swear I've seen everyone who is left around here. You're new?"

You scoffed lowly and looked over your shoulder. Why was he telling you this? Did he want to take you back and murder you for supplies? "I've been living in the woods, there was a farm a little ways out and I've only stuck to the store on that side of town."

Yunho hummed, seemingly lost in thought. He didn't seemed too beat up for being out here alone, not like you at least. There were scratches on your arms from shrubbery as well as old blood from a run in with the dead. Yunho was handsome and from the glimpses of his smile, you could tell it was bright.

You had been walking side by side for awhile now, going into the town deeper than you ever had been. The building were getting taller, more expensive and grand. First floor windows were either boarded up or broken, probably either hiding or stealing. You could picture the busy streets, the high class fashion of the upper working class.

"If you've been here for a month, how come you haven't tried to make friends?" You said softly, looking up at Yunho curiously.

"I had ran into the leader about two weeks ago," He scratched his head, looking from side to side while he kept an eye out. "It was fine at first, we made small talk in one of the stores." Yunho pointed behind him and rolled his eyes, "Somewhere back there, I don't remember. We talked for awhile before one of his buddies came in and claimed he could see a bite mark.. All hell broke out after, but I snuck out the back."

You rose your brows and patted him on the shoulder. "His buddy sounds like a real winner."

When you reached the building, you were pretty amazed at the shape it was left in. There was only one window that was broken, leaving the rest of them untouched. "I don't think anyone attempted to stay here so it was pretty much abandoned." Yunho smirked to himself and took a deep breath before he opened the front doors. "After you, ma'am." He bowed and gestured for you to take a step indoors. You gaped at the interior, if you thought hard enough you could see this place lit up and running as it should. The fountain glowing as the clear water fell into each bowl, grand chandeliers brightening the room. Your face was stuck, awestruck with a small smile. You wished you could've saw everything work in action or had the opportunity to stay a night here with room service.

"Woah.." You whispered when an arm was thrown around your shoulder.

"Wanna go room hunting with me? I've only been to the first five floors." Yunho whispered back as, he too, studied the hotel lobby. Pursing your lips, you shrugged and looked up at Yunho. Studying his features for a few brief moments. He was, indeed, very handsome.

Yunho watched you from the corner of his eye, his lips twitching into a smile. As fast as he could, Yunho turned his whole head to catch you in the act. The smile turning into a giant smirk. "See something you like?" He spoke first, head cocking to the side. "It's okay, I see something I like as well." A wink was sent your way, causing a blush to cover your features.

"Shut up," You joked, side eyeing him before your elbow met his ribs. He chuckled at you and took your hand to pull you to the stairs. "Find me some nice clothes and I'll reward you with a treat." Instead of your voice giving off a confident tone, it came out small and squeaky, leading your blush to darken a tenfold.

"Oh? And what is the treat? I think I should know before doing what I'm told."

"Guess it depends on how well you do."

After several hours of searching, jokes and excitement from not expired food, Yunho was able to come up with a nice sturdy set of blue jeans, a pair of leggings, some new combat boots, three shirts and one giant ass hoodie. He looked at you with wide and innocent eyes, silently asking you for his treat.

With a long sigh, you plopped yourself down on the couch and gestured him to come closer. As soon as he was within arms reach, you gripped his shirt and pulled him down on top of you. "Y/n.. you can't have my shirt." He said with a shit eating grin.

"Just shut up and kiss me."

[handsomedogs]

When do I know it's the right time to give away my dog? I really like her, but sometimes she's a huge burden and I can't really take care of her. I barely manage one big walk a day and I rarely play with her. I feel that she is kinda happy, but she could be more happy... I don't want to give her away to a stranger. I might be alright if a friend takes care of her but I'm so scared of what will happen to her or to me as soon as she is gone. Can you give me any advice?

First off I will start this off by saying rehoming is okay in any instance for any reason. If a dog isn’t wanted or cannot be cared for it is the BEST thing for them to find a different home.

That being said, there are always going to be times where you won’t be able to do everything you want with your dog or everything they want. Life, work, our relationships, health, etc all also need our time and attention and sometimes those things are more pressing then more than one walk a day. 

I’m not really sure what your situation is or why you aren’t currently capable of doing the things your dog needs or for how long its been going on, but I will suggest that you try to make small changes. A small play session in the yard or during your walk, maybe you take her with you to a dog-friendly place you frequent. extra walks don’t have to be as long as the other, maybe its only 10 minutes, maybe only 5. A frozen kong, puzzle feeders, and more creative snack and meal based toys go a long away and are a minimal effort on your part. They help keep her brain occupied and she gets the chance to play and problem solve and you can do homework, nap, care for yourself etc if you need to. If you need ideas for recipes or set up @bindisbucketlist on instagram is a great place to start. Some of the stuff is really involved or weird ingredients BUT you can legit do whatever your dog likes. Or merely toss her regular kibble portion in there.

Also, keep in mind that every dog is different, not every dog needs/wants to go outside all day long or wants to chase a ball for an hour. If you are feeling this way bc you are comparing your life and relationship with your dog to people on the internets situation, step away. Evaluate based on your dog and your dog alone. Do you love your dog? Does your dog receive the affection she wants? Is she being fed and watered properly? Does your dog get to go potty at regular intervals? Do you enjoy spending time with her? Does your pup receive some sort of physical exercise? What’s her behavior like inside the house, does she pace and get destructive or does she nap or keep herself busy in an appropriate way? Remember that ALL dogs could be happier. After all things that make dogs happy would be unlimited playtime, maybe murdering the neighbor’s cat, never having to come inside, eating until u puke, owners never leaving without them etc. Stuff that just isn’t reasonable or good for them. I’m sure just about every single one of us could do something to make our dogs happier, but it might mean losing your job lol. 

All this aside, if you feel you cannot reliably care for her the way she needs then rehoming is the thing to do. Your apprehension about who she ends up with is evidence you care for her. Sit down and think of some things that would make you feel better, like a fenced-in yard, time to walk her, willingness to do a training class, kids or no kids, experienced dog owner or not, pets in the home or no. Make your requirements list. Contact some people you know who would like a dog, and see if they were interested. Invite them over, or meet them somewhere to get to know them, maybe visit their place, let them meet your pup. Go from there. The right person will come along. The only one who can know if its the right time is you. No one has any right to judge you, what you are going through, or what you can or cannot handle. All of us have felt overwhelmed, sometimes to the point where we doubted our ability to care for our pets, sometimes rightly so. You are clearly putting her needs first right now by considering rehoming but I can’t tell you if its the right thing to do.

-S

[najatheangel]

Hello!!! ✨ And here I am again!!hahaha I can't, I really love your ships!!

Can I have a written ship this time? With Nct 127, Exo and Got7, please? 🌸

Here is a description of my personality!

I'm really shy and extremely awkward. I'm not good at expressing myself talking, I speak in a low volume, I get really insecure because of it, and it takes me sometime to open up, so people need to be a little patient to get to know me. Sometimes I fear I'm a pushover because of my shyness and akwardness, although I try my best to not freeze at social interactions ahahha. I have a great fear of hurting people with my words and my actions, so I think a lot before I do something. But I'm actually friendly, I'm always smiling while talking, and I accept everyone with my whole heart. I never judge people, and try to understand every point of view. When I'm comfortable enough, I'm really goofy, playful and unintentionally funny. My friends say I'm an adorable cute little person (but weird and random too). I'm naturally quiet, a good listener,sensitive,kind, understanding,calm and open minded.I always try to be positive. Even though I don't speak much in a discussion, people always ask my for my opinion, and take the things I say seriously. I like making people's life easier and happier, so I'm usually silently doing little daily things for them. The feeling that I'm useful to someone keeps me going. I'm really grateful for everyone who likes me. I prefer to be around chill, fun and simple people, because my mood gets easily influenced by the mood of the people around me. But I'm always up to help everyone. I'm a really simple person, that enjoy simple things. My hobbies are drawing,crafting,painting and cooking (I'm specially into arts). I enjoy reading too, specially detective books. I like staying home, but I don't mind going out with friends to get some food or taking some night walk. I love animals, of all kinds. Hate mean and rude people, conflict, prejudice, injustice. I'm loyal to my friends and family, and value them a lot. I need to be friends first before falling in love. But once I'm in love, I'm selfless, and give my everything. But I enjoy my freedom and privace, so I don't like too jealous people, who want to control everything I do. To me, trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

That's it!

Thank you so much again!

I hope you're doing well! Stay safe, healthy and happy! ✨

Hello love it’s nice too see you again my dear. It was nice getting to know you more. You seem like a very sweet and angelic person. Sorry for the long wait my dear here’s your ship. 😊💫

From NCT 127, I ship you...Taeil

Positive Side: The next Sun & Moon 2.0! Both of your personalities favor and work so well together. When you first meet NCT 127, Taeil was the first member that caught your eye, because of his shining presence and his sense of humor that made you smile so much. After months and months of getting close as friends, it developed into a wonderful love story. The members helped him set up a mini concert at your house singing your favorite sing with backup vocal line Haechan, Jungwoo, Doyoung and Mark. Since Mark is apart of every unit. You’ve gladly accepted his invitation whole heartedly and the rest was history. As far as hobbies, this man will do anything as long as you were apart of it. He would be a big supporter of your artwork and would even ask for a private art class so he can make a portrait of you. And Win win lol. He would even look up art project ideas with you on pinterest and start creating things with you along with Dreamies. Taeil can also be very adventurous by walking with you to the bookstore to buy detective books or take midnight walks at the park. Lastly, when you have your moments he would be the first to knock at your door and not leave your side until he made you smile. He is an affectionate person and would cry with you while cuddling you when you pour your emotions out to him whether good or bad. Although this man is small and acts like a precious baby sometimes, he would be saving all his love for you. 

Negative Side: Once you both started dating, it was still a long yet hard process to adjust to. Whenever it came to dealing with the haters that didn’t support your relationship, it would get to your head sometimes and you would be afraid to get too close to Taeil sometimes so it won’t cause confrontation with the media. One time the small amount of harsh comments led you to ignoring his phone calls and he caught you crying alone in the bathroom which made him upset. He tried to run to you to hug you, but you wanted to deal with this problem alone so he wouldn’t suffer with you. “I’m alright Taeil.” As patient as he normally is, he wanted to respect you by giving your privacy until you felt like you truly needed him. At that point he just sighs and walks in the living room. “Okay, just let me know if you need anything.” 

But...: Later that day you’ve realized it was for the best to confess to Taeil what emotions you’ve kept inside about everything involving your relationship. At the end of the day he was someone you can trust with all your secrets and can get you through this situation. After having the talk with him, he was so understanding and relieved that you finally wasn’t afraid to depend on him anymore. He gave you the tightest hug and the most passionate kiss that night reassuring you that everything was going to be okay as long as he was around. “No matter what part of the world I am, I will always run back to you.”

From Exo, I ship you with...Suho

Positive Side: This man is trying to make you his wifey for lifey. You both share the same goals when building friendships with people, being sweet, taking care of people around them and helping those who are in need. The devolopment of your friendship was so fast, but just like Taeil, becoming a couple was one hell of a ride. Deep down you both loved each other, but wanted to wait until the time was right and you both knew for sure the feeling was mutual. He would be the ultimate gentleman when your going out together, always going to art exhibits with you, taking millions of photos cause your his masterpiece ;) and even attempting to dance with you in public along to their music at the grocery store, but ends up feeling second hand embarrassment. I would too lol, still cute tho. He hardly feels awkward doing those things and just embraces it. He’s even suprised you with your first baby kitten and you both name him Buttercup. Lastly, you both share strong loyalty with each other no matter what. Overall this bond is too powerful and would be hard to tear apart.

Negative side: Suho would also find it hard to separate from you sometimes because he loves being with you most of the time. As far as dealing with your emotions, he wouldn’t want you to hide anything from him whether good or bad. He expects you two share everything together in the beginning of your relationship including thoughts, but it wasn’t that easy. Suho for the most part was understanding, but another part of him couldn’t stand leaving you alone to deal with those problems.

But...: Suho learned that he can’t pressure into speaking from your heart until the time was right. He also learned that he can’t baby you so much, because your his woman not his child or sister. Once you’ve started opening up more to him, he felt like the happiest man alive and gave you the tightest hug shedding tears. “You don’t ever have to deal with this alone, that’s what I’m here for. You got that?” The more comfortable you both communicated about your emotions, the easier it was to release instead of keeping it inside.

Anddd I’m deceased 😭😭👏🏽

From Got7, I ship you with...Youngjae

Positive Side: I remember shipping you with him before visually, but personality wise I ship it 10x harder. First of all, two shy innocent angels falling in love is straight k-drama vibes I’m getting. The more confident you’re around each other, the more flirty you two love birds become. He would always share home cooked meals with you, tell funny stories about how he’s always goofing off with crack7 and have heart to heart talks about any insecurities he has amongst himself. This bucket full of sunshine sometimes have his cloudy days as well and can relate to you in that sense which balances out. If one person was feeling down, the other lifts that person’s spirit up and encourage them to think positively. Youngjae would admire how you would take care of the other members and his cutie baby pup coco. Your the love of his life and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Negative Side: The only problem I can honestly think of is when your both having a bad day, you both tend to keep it to yourselves and not bother the other person about it. You both handle confrontation the same way, but it either can go good or bad. Youngjae on the other hand is worse at dealing with his emotions, because he doesn’t want to be sad infront of you and tends to lie only so you won’t worry about him so much. Once you find out either way your hurting for him and start ���It’s not a big deal sweetie, it was just a few hate comments.” “It is a big deal Youngjae, I just can’t sit there and let those mean people do that to you. It’s disrespectful.”

But...: In the end, you don’t want to leave each other wounded and left alone to deal with the pain, so you come into his room leaning your head on his lap rubbing his thigh in silence until he was ready to talk. Even silent treatment would work for you two as long as you were next to each other, anything was possible. What makes it even better is that he’s not upset for too long and attacks you with warm hugs and pepper kisses your cheeks. “What would I do without you y/n? I feel so much stronger and better with you here beside me”

Out of everyone, I ship you with...either Taeil or Youngjae. Again couldn’t decide 😣

@thechoppersan My friend I hope you enjoyed this ship and it made you smile. Feel free to come back anytime angel. 😉☀️

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Why? - F.W. (part one)

A/n: So I was on a marathon with my family and we got to that part in the last movie where Pansie was all "get him!" after Voldemort said to give Harry up and then ALL the Slytherins got punished so I started thinking about how it could have gone differently and this happened and y'all once I thought it out so perfectly I HAD to write it. For my fellow Green and Silvers.

Word Count: 5300+

MASTERLIST

I didn't like them from the get-go. The Weasley twins. My first day, when I was so excited I just about glowed, sitting on that sorting stool to get sorted. When I got the house I had crossed my fingers for because I had heard all about Hogwarts and had analyzed myself and predicted where I might go and had been RIGHT- and I loved to be right. When I was at my highest, having my golden moment, grinning like a child on Christmas and not noticing until later as the other first years were confused by the innocent, friendly, kind little girl they'd thought would be Hufflepuff being Slytherin. When I was still unaware of how Hogwarts worked and what it meant to be in Slytherin house, they made sure I knew.

As I made my way to the table at the end with the cheering kids in silver and green, I heard them. I heard them booing. I froze in my tracks, not down the first step yet, where everyone could see me. My face was wiped of my smile and my face had gone pale- I could feel it in the rushing feeling in my head. I slowly turned to look where it was coming from. The Gryffindor table. Two red-headed twins were grinning ear to ear as they screamed "BOOOOO!" on the top of their lungs, shaking their head and nudging each other like it was some grand joke. One of the twins - they MUST have been twins - caught my eye and his smile faded. He looked guilty. Good.

My sadness and discomfort and crushed happiness turned to anger, my face heating up. There was a hand on my back and I turned to see McGonagall. She gave me a pitying look before I turned away and finished my walk to my table, chin held high and back straight, my hands curled into fists at my side. I was angry.

When the sorting went through - my frozen moment of devastation was overshadowed and forgotten when Harry Potter of all people was sorted and went into Gryffindor - and the feast started, I turned to one of my table mates. "When I came down, there were these Gryffindors... booing me."

The girl, who had dirty blonde hair and brown eyes, was a bit older than me. Her expression darkened and she seemed to age far too many years. "One thing you have to get straight. In this school, we're not Hogwarts. Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and Gryffindors are Hogwarts." She glared at her food. "They think we're evil. All of us."

The word sent a wave of shock through my system. "Evil?" My voice was too light- I couldn't get any power behind my words. It was all air.

The girl placed a hand on my shoulder, her face sad and softer than before. "Don't worry, you'll have the rest of us, okay? And it's not so bad. Wait until you see the common room. Just ignore the other houses- it's better that way."

The rest of the meal I was fine. It was when I got tripped in the hallway on my way to the dorms that I finally lost it, only able to keep it together long enough to get into the rooms before I began crying. One of the other girls ran to get someone older and before long a brunette girl with green eyes came, pulling me into her chest and rubbing my back. "I'm not evil," I sobbed.

"I know," she soothes me. "They're all just arseholes, don't mind them."

So I didn't. Her words made me feel a lot better, but her actions were what soothed me. She was gentle and kind, considerate and soft. If she was a Slytherin then being a Slytherin wasn't bad and that was that. I made a vow after that night: I'd never let other kids' gossip and bull crap affect me. I would let it upset me again, let alone cry. I would NEVER cry over other peoples’ opinions. Not these peoples'. You know what, not anyone else's either.

I kept that vow, too.

My first potion's class was with Harry Potter himself. He was sitting next to a girl with bushy brown hair that I think made her look bigger- like a peacock uses its colorful feathers. I think it suited her. Professor Snape, the one teaching potions, was shooting question after question at Harry, ignoring the girl next to him as desperation crossed her face, her hand as high in the air as she could get it, wiggling.

It bugged me. Harry looked incredibly uncomfortable and the girl looked about ready to explode and Snape was being a dick. "Obviously he doesn't know." Snape looked at me sharply. Everyone did. It didn't scare me. "But SHE does. Why don't you ask a question where you want the answer, not just an opportunity to make a first year look like an idiot?"

The room was so silent that no one even dared breathe. Snape's eyes flickered to my tie, his features twisting with disgust when he noticed the green and silver. "Learn how to talk to teachers, or hold your tongue." I glared at him and that seemed to knock him silent for a second. He looked away, moving on, and I let out a soft breath I'd been holding in. I felt eyes on me and I looked over to see Harry and the girl both looking at me. The girl seemed bewildered, but Harry was smiling at me. I gave a small smile back.

Maybe not all Gryffindors were bad.

When I looked back over at my partner to whisper about how I was surprised I didn't get detention with how angry Snape had seemed, the words died on my tongue. My partner, a boy named Blaise, was glaring daggers at me. Even more viciously than Snape. "Who's side are you on?" He sneered at me.

I looked forward again and was quiet for the rest of the class. What did he mean 'who's side'? Weren't we all Hogwarts students? Was the girl who had told me it was Hogwarts versus Slytherins... serious? I was realizing I hadn't really believed her. I figured maybe a lot of people across houses didn't get along but there had to be more friendships than not. I saw twins get sorted into different houses. But I guess neither of them was in Slytherin. Harry didn't seem to hate me... though the girl next to him had seemed like she'd seen a ghost when I'd stood up for him...

I kept my mouth shut for a whole week and a half. Snape didn't much mess with Harry (though he did take opportunities that popped up) as much as he did another Gryffindor. Neville Longbottom. Harry was good at handling himself when Snape got on him. He was a tough kid and seemed generally unbothered, keeping his pride and gave little reaction passed a glare or an eye roll behind Snape's back. Neville, on the other hand, was awkward and sensitive, flinching at everything Snape said. Even if Snape was nearby or shot him a look from across the classroom. It hit every nerve in my body and was grating on every instinct I had.

Then Snape crossed a line. He threatened to hex Neville's road if the boy got the potion wrong. Neville made a pathetic sound that was halfway between a choked sob and a surprised gasp and the Slytherin next to me - Draco Malfoy this time - snickered under his breath.

"You can't do that."

Silence again, like after the first time when I'd stuck up for Harry. Draco leaned away from me as if I was diseased or had turned into a werewolf. "What," Snape asked, dragging the word out. "Did you just say to me?"

I turned around in my chair to meet his eyes, my expression determined and as controlled as his was. "I seriously doubt that Dumbledore would approve of your harming a student's familiar simply because they were confused on a spell. That's not proper punishment, Professor." I spat the last word like it was poison and his eyes narrowed.

"How would you have me handle his lack of talent then, Miss Black?" As he said my last name an emotion flickered across his face that I vaguely recognized. It was the same one that I hadn't taken much notice of my first day but was apparent to me now as I thought back on it. The same look in McGonagall's eyes as she called my name for me to be sorted. It made me nervous. They couldn’t know. Not yet.

"Maybe teach him. Then he'll know how to do it."

Someone gasped. Snape flared. "Well, since I'm so incapable of teaching him, obviously, then you will have to try for me." He took steps toward me and I genuinely felt terrified. "You and Mr. Longbottom will meet in here for detention every day for the next week and during class, you two will be paired up. If he fails, so do you." He leaned forward, flattening the palm of his hand on my desk and leaning down to get in my face. "Do I make myself clear?"

My angry gaze leveled with his and I didn't move back, which he seemed to have not been expecting as he leaned a millimeter back himself. "Crystal." I nearly growled the word. He slowly stood, moving back up the aisle to the front of the classroom. "Resume your potions," he snapped. The room returned to their potions.

After class I was finally free, only to have the back of my robes yanked on as I was dragged into a darker hallway. I choked on the pressure against my neck but was knocked breathless before I could scream once I got my air back as the same person slammed me into the nearest wall. I blinked rapidly to try and re-orient myself as unknowing students passed by. Just as the last one disappeared, the world stopped being confusing and I recognized the faces in front of me. Draco Malfoy and his two brutes- Crabb and Goyle. I hadn't much liked any of them but Draco had been generally friendly with me so they left me alone.

Now there wasn't a chance of friendship in their eyes. Or mercy. "Stop standing up for Gryffindors," Malfoy sneered. I shrunk back into the wall. "Aren't you a Slytherin? Don't you have any pride? Any self-respect? You're making the rest of us look bad."

Gathering my courage, I curled my hands into fists. "I think you're doing that fine on your own," I eased. "Looking bad. A kid is being picked on by a teacher and you're laughing as if it's funny." I scoffed. "You're a coward hiding behind bullies. And I won't stand by and let it happen- I don't care WHO you are."

Crabb was the one holding me against the wall but Draco was the one speaking, and I guess that made him just as powerful because he leaned in my face, unfazed by my words. "One day you're going to regret not keeping your mouth shut."

"And one day you'll regret not having said anything," I shot back. "It will be different, but we will both regret. The difference will be YOU will want to go back and change it. I will not."

"Why you-" Draco began.

He was interrupted. "Let. Her. Go." The four of us looked over to see an older Hufflepuff boy - a Prefect, by the badge on his robes - flanked by two tall, red-headed, identical Gryffindors. I recognized the twins from the sorting ceremony. They were the ones that had booed me. "I think you boys need to step away from the situation and calm down before this gets too ugly.

Draco hesitated before sneering a, "Come on Goyle, Crabb. This isn't worth our time." I felt the grip leave me as they left.

My eyes moved to the three boys who had rescued me. "Thank you," I said to the Hufflepuff. I ignored the twins.

"No problem. You're a first year?" I nodded. "I'm a fourth year. Cedric Diggory."

"Ylva Black," I exchanged. "You can call me Liv."

Cedric smiles, nodding. One of the twins stepped forward, next to him instead of behind. "I'm Fred, this is George. We're Weasleys. Third years." He seemed to be rambling just a bit and sensed how awkward and inorganic it was because he winced, blushing almost as red as his hair. George shot his brother a weird look and Cedric rose an eyebrow, smiling. I was unamused.

"Thanks again." I turned around and walked away.

I didn't talk to them again for quite a while, though I did see Fred in the hall constantly. Don't ask me how I knew it was Fred and not George- I just knew. There was something about the twins that made sense to me. I couldn't name it or make sense of it but it took me one interaction and then I could tell them apart... mostly. Sometimes I noticed one of them and wondered which it was. Not that I was genuinely interested in the twins who were absolute jerks but more, I liked a challenge. No one could figure out the difference. I wanted to be the first.

For a while, it was just me and Neville. We spent every potions class together and as long as he listened to me, I could keep him calm and ignore Snape's antagonizations. The only incident for a while was when the Slytherins and Gryffindors first met to learn how to fly a broom. Draco picked up Neville's Remembrall. Neville had become someone I sought to protect so it had been my instinct to step up for him, and a lot of people looked at me, almost expecting it. But going up against a teacher was different than going against Draco Malfoy, a fellow Slytherin first year. My moment of hesitation allowed Harry an opening.

The rest was my smiling and laughing as Harry put Draco in his place- until McGonagall showed up. Harry tossed me the Remembrall and I nodded, tucking it into my pocket.

At first, I thought all the Slytherins hated me as much as Malfoy, but one morning a Slytherin boy sat next to me and started talking, looping two girls across from us into the conversation. One of the girls wasn't interested but the other was and the three of us held a conversation the whole meal. The boy's name was Samuel Wiseman and the girl was Bertha Grimm. For the most part, I didn't talk to them, but during mealtimes we found each other. Then we began to hang out regularly sometimes too. When I had no one else, I had Bertha (who's name we shortened to 'Beth') and Sam.

After a month of somewhat peace was over, I ran into Cedric again. Some not-so-nice Gryffindors slammed into my shoulder, knocking me, and I nearly face planted. Cedric seemed to appear out of thin air to steady me, his eyes full of concern. "You okay?”

"Yeah," I sighed, glaring back but unable to spot who might have caught my shoulder. I looked back and Cedric, my expression softening. "It's fine, I'm getting used to it."

That seemed to bother him even more. He studied me carefully. "What are you doing later?" I shrugged. "Wanna hang out? I can help you with homework and you can tell me how your first... almost two months now, yeah?"

"Yeah," I confirmed. "I'd love that. Wanna meet in the library?" He nodded enthusiastically and I grinned for the first time since the sorting ceremony. "Awesome. See you then."

"Watch your back," he called after me. "I really will track down some Gryffindors and skin them if I see they're being too rough with you." I laughed, even though it wasn't really a joke. He was being serious in a light manner because he knew that it was a problem and he was trying to make it clear he wasn't going to tolerate it, even if he didn't want to upset me.

That night I told him everything. I told him about Sam and Beth but also about Crabb, Goyle, Draco, and the two girls who had welcomed and comforted me the first day but who now ignored me, not being hateful but not being friendly either. I told him about my few run in's and shared glances or teeny tiny sort-of-interactions with Harry Potter and how they'd gotten me in trouble. I told him about the twins booing me my first day. How Snape hated me, but Professor Flitwick shot me comforting smiles every once and a while so I was sure he liked me. I told him about the looks McGonagall had been shooting me when she thought I wasn't looking- a lot of really unimportant things I hadn't really thought were bothering me. I told him about how much I was loving Hogwarts despite all the hiccups.

He told me about his life too. About classes and friends and how he wasn't really a Prefect because he was only a fourth year. He'd just been messing around with a friend's badge that another one of his friends - a Gryffindor - had swiped as a joke when George had run up to him and told him that he and Fred have stumbled across some Slytherins who seemed to be ganging up on another student. He told me about some kids he knew in the other houses when I told him that Gryffindors seemed to be everywhere, joking that Gryffindors were the loudest but Hufflepuffs were the most fun. Then he began to tell me about some spells he was learning, quietly teaching me little harmless things to make me laugh. Tripping curses and spells that made bubbles come out of your wand. How to make a small bubble around us that blocked out all sound, or how to put my new levitating spell I’d just learned to hilarious use. He was a lot more trouble than I'd realized- even if he was only doing it to make me laugh.

Eventually we got to homework, where we stayed quiet except when he walked me through things I got hung up on. Mostly we worked on our different projects in comfortable silence.

My other friendships were a lot more casual- more like acquaintanceships. There was never a time when if we stopped talking it didn't feel... awkward. And once we stopped, it was hard to get into it again. With Cedric, it felt like I'd just found my long lost older brother. And he seemed to think the same. "It's late," he told me as I yawned my longest yawn yet. "How about you get to bed?" I turned a mournful look towards him and he returned a gentle smile. "We can do this again if you wish. Maybe regularly? Every Friday or Saturday?” He tilted his head back and forth. I smiled. “But you need sleep."

I sighed, nodding. "Okay, mum."

Cedric rolled his eyes but his smile never faltered. "If I'm going to be in charge of you, I accept big brother only." We looked at each other for a few seconds and then I nodded. Yep, that would do. We parted ways for the night and I headed to sleep.

Life basically passed like that. Cedric and I had a homework-and-chill session every weekend, the day changing based on our week and if we were available. My meals, some classes I spent with Sam and Beth, or how I had detention and potions with Neville. Everyone else pretty much ignored me except Fred Weasley, who would wave at me every time we made eye contact no matter how much I ignored him, and Harry and Ron - Ron was a friend that stuck around Harry and seemed to be all around pretty friendly to those who weren't total dicks - who would shoot me looks. Usually Harry initiatives the distant contact and usually in potions when I scrambled to block Neville from Snape. Little nods, fleeting smiles. The good stuff- casual style. Life stabilized and I was happy with my lot.

Then Halloween happened.

The panic, the troll in the dungeon, me curling into a ball and pressing my forehead to the table and closing my eyes and covering my ears while everyone screamed and tried to run out. Dumbledore calming us down. Going back to the dorm where Beth found me and hugged me, glad I was okay, and Sam was pulled to the boys' dorm by an older brother of his. He'd told us about him once.

After that night, rumors passed around about Harry Potter and the troll, and how 'Ron and Harry' became 'Harry, Ron, and Hermione'. Hermione actually began talking to me, taking the time after class while we moved to our next to ask how the last weekend had been. I told her about my friendship with Cedric Diggory and she told me about her friendship with Harry Potter and we laughed because it sounded like a competition but it wasn't.

When I first talked to Harry, he told me about his upcoming Quidditch game. I promised him I'd come but didn't promise I'd cheer for him and he got me to promise that I would cheer for him if he would give me a reason to. I promised that if it happened then I would.

At the game, I didn't get the chance to cheer for him. My knuckles were white as I gripped a railing, eyes glued to the sky and lips parted in worry. Harry was fine and I was calm until his broom started to jerk, zigzagging through the sky and trying to buck him off. People around me gasped and I appreciated for a moment that they cared. People were wrong- it wasn't Hogwarts against Slytherin. You could see the proof if you looked close enough. Even if they pretended to hate people from other houses, when someone was in danger Slytherins worried too. Even if they wouldn’t admit it.

Thankfully the broom stopped jerking just as I got my wand out and tried to think of something if he fell off. I relaxed, sitting back but leaving my wand out. There wasn't further incident but I was starting to worry about Harry Potter and the luck he had. Or, more accurately, the luck he DIDN’T have.

Other than these little blips of drama, it was just school. After detention ended Neville and I only talked to each other during potions. I did most of the work as he handed me things and read instructions. It was still teamwork enough that Snape couldn't yell at us. Harry and his friends seemed to be getting distracted by something so we didn't talk to each other much and Sam's brother kept trying to separate him from me - I realized it was ME when I saw the two brothers joking with Beth but then the older one, Michael, pull him away when I approached... several times. So Beth and I didn't hang out as much while she hung out with Sam and left me to hang out with Cedric.

Christmas I spent alone.

Most of the people I talked to left and the rest - Harry and Ron specifically - I didn't feel comfortable or close enough to rationalize crashing their Christmas. Cedric sent me a package of chocolates and a Christmas sweater that he'd said would be perfect for me. It totally was. I wondered briefly if he'd had someone make it for me...

I was out in the snow in my new sweater when he found me. Fred Weasley. "Hey."

I turned to face him. I frowned, turning away. "Hello."

He moved next to me. "You're less cool when you hate me."

"You're easy to hate," I replied evenly.

"How do you figure?"

I shot him a dark look. "Why are you here Fred? You obviously don't like Slytherins- you proved that when you BOOED me when I got sorted. So what do you want?"

He seemed to have a lot of emotions going through his head at once. "How did you know I was Fred?"

I looked away. "I don't know." I felt his eyes on me. "I actually don't," I repeated. "I just... I look at you and your brother and I DO."

He nodded, letting it go. "When we saw you in the hallway, with Draco and his dogs, George went and got Cedric but I stayed to watch because we were worried they'd hurt you before we could get someone." I looked over slowly. "What you said to them... it was cool." We didn't talk for a few beats. "I'd like to restart. I'm sorry about the sorting ceremony." I rose an eyebrow. "Seriously.” He shifted, righting his shirt for dramatic effect even though it was fine. “Hi, I'm Fred Weasley." He stuck out his hand to me.

Unable to help myself, I smiled. He was too easy going and positive. His smile was too contagious. So I took his hand, shaking. "Ylva Black." I hesitated then added, "You can call me Liv."

He grinned. "Cool."

The same comfortable quiet I felt with Cedric fell and I knew that despite how we'd started things, I had a new REAL friend and I was okay with that. I guess that was my real Christmas present.

The rest of the year passed without much drama for me until word spread around about Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. My worry for him increased and I wondered if being his friend was a good idea, considering how Hermione and Ron were involved. Quirrell was gone and rumors of a dark power hovering over them had first years shivering with fear.

At the end of the day, Fred and I became really good friends, which lead to me meeting George. It was like how my other acquaintanceships were- not often and loud, but fun. George was nice but it was Fred who joined my weekend study sessions with Cedric.

When Slytherin was lined up for the cup, I felt successful. I'd done my part for the glory of my house, though I did feel bad for the glum looks on a lot of my Gryffindor comrades. Cedric waved at me from across the room in congratulations and I grinned back.

I was tired of getting the carpet torn from under me. I was tired of being sure and set in something and then having it turned on it's head. Alas, Dumbledore had one last surprise. He awarded some last minute points, recognizing Ron and Hermione in their part in helping Harry as well as recognizing Neville for standing up to them. Neville's happy smile and wide eyes as people thumped him on the back sent my heart soaring and I didn't even fell bad when Harry got his extra points and the banners turned from green to red- Gryffindor had won. I was the only Slytherin that clapped and it was short lived. Other Slytherins glared at me and I sunk into my seat.

My house hated me.

The train ride was the highlight of my year, which is probably strange but no less true. I spent most of it writing a letter to my dad... even though I knew I'd never send it. I finished it, closing it up and then just staring at it. I'd written letters before but I knew that I wanted to write one at the end of every year, just to summarize what I'd gone through. I had no one else to talk to... Or so I thought.

"Who'd you write a letter to?"

I looked up, smiling as Cedric sat down across from me. "My dad." He nodded and the paused when my eyes fell to my letter again, my face growing sad. I noticed his curiosity and I cleared my throat. "Why are you sitting with me? Cool Hufflepuff fourth year like you? Don't you have any other friends?"

Cedric busted up laughing. "Okay, rude, first of all. Second of all, I CHOSE to come here because I wanted to say my last goodbye. Have one last conversation." He paused. "And threaten you to write me during the Summer to make sure you do." We both chuckled.

"Yeah, I'll write to you." I looked back to my letter.

"What's that about?" He asked gently, jutting his chin to my face. I suppose he was talking about my expression. "Aren't you going back home? Why send a letter?"

I swallowed. "My dad... isn't at home." He grew quiet, his smile faltering. "I don't think he even knows I exist."

He leaned forward, taking my hand. "I didn't know that I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I shook my head, smiling weakly. "You couldn't hurt a fly if you tried." We both smiled a little stronger. "Fun fact: I'm a loner." My eyes fell to the floor. "My mum sort of didn't want me so she gave me away. I mean... she wanted me at first. But my dad- he isn't a good man. She said I reminded her of him - in a latter, I was just a baby when she left me - so she gave me away. I'm... sort of in an orphanage." I shrugged, looking away. "I figured you should know. Friends know those things about each other right?"

Cedric's expression grew even sadder at my question. "Oh Liv..." he moved next to me, putting an arm around me and pulling me into his side. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," I whispered, closing my eyes. He was warm. "I have the greatest big brother." I couldn't see him but I knew that he was smiling by the sound of his little gasp, a little choked up.

I don't remember falling asleep but since he had to wake me up, he must have. "We're almost there. You might want to change out of your robes." I nodded, moving away to do so before returning in my normal clothes. I sat down next to him, snagging my folded up letter to tuck it into my trunk where it wouldn't get ruined. "I'd have to ask my dad for sure, but if he's okay with it... do you want to spend some of your Summer at my house?" I looked up at him, eyes shooting a mile wide. "I don't have a mum either but we’d still have nice su-"

I cut him off when I attacked him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I would love to Ced."

He hugged me back. "I'll make sure it happens then." The rest of the time he told me about what he had planned this Summer and his plan on getting it worked out. When the train stopped I finally noticed that he didn't have his robes on anymore, which made me realized he must have changed when I was asleep. He walked me to his dad, explaining our friendship and asking if I could stay after introducing me. His dad was rather pleasant and seemed excited by the idea of having me over. Now all there was for us to convince the lady at the orphanage... which I promised wouldn't be hard. We moved toward platforms nine and ten where I told them she was waiting for me.

"LIV!" I turned to see Fred jogging up to me. I smiled, catching his ever-contagious grin. "Sorry I just wanted to catch you before you were gone. Write to me will you?"

A weird light filled me. I was THRILLED to have so many people genuinely concerned with keeping in touch. Who would miss me. "Definitely." I paused before holding out my hand. He looked down at it, taking it. But instead of shaking like I'd thought he pulled me closer, hugging me. I was tense at first but then I softened, allowing myself to enjoy the hug. We pulled away as someone called Fred's name, stepping apart. "See you."

"Until next year." Then he turned and walked away. I went back to Cedric and his dad, guiding them to the Muggle train station and to the Head Mistress of the orphanage. This was going to a great Summer, but I was even more excited for my second year of Hogwarts coming up. I had a feeling that some amazing things were about to happen and I couldn't wait.

-

Tag List: @reddie-steddie-go

[realtalk-princeton]

I'm sort of worrying about making friends at princeton mainly because I am so shy. Like I've missed so many chances of talking to new people in my classes... like sometimes when people try to talk to me I just ignore them since I don't feel confident talking to them. (Plus I don't speak up in precepts)What should I do about? Just roll with it? I basically have no one :(

Response from Sulpicia:

I’m shy too, and a lot of people here tend to be on the more introverted side, so don’t feel alone! The good news is that there are lots of opportunities to make friends: you’re only halfway through this semester’s classes, you have a whole new set of classes next semester, and of course you can always join clubs/do random stuff on campus.

The bad news is that, if you want to make friends, you have to go out of your comfort zone and actually talk to people. If people are asking how you are or making small talk with you, they want to get to know you- I also sometimes feel awkward talking with people I don’t know well, but the important thing is to be friendly. If you share classes with someone or you do a club with them, ask them for a meal! Asking questions about them helps, because it means that you can mostly listen and don’t have to talk. If you’re ignoring people, they might feel like you don’t want to be their friend, so it’s important to speak up.

You can also try joining a club- even if you’re not close with any particular person, that’s a whole group of people who you can go to social events with or even just wave at on campus, which makes me feel less isolated. For what it’s worth, I would also try to speak up more in precept, since that might help you with your confidence. If you say something silly (as long as it’s not, like, monumentally dumb), nobody will remember, and I find that participating in class really helps me understand material.

I know that it seems like so much time has passed you by, but we’re only a quarter of the way into the school year, and there’s a lot of stuff that’ll happen between now and summer. In fact, I didn’t even really get close to a lot of my friends until November/December last year, and even this year, a lot of people who were more acquaintances last year have turned into better friends!

Response from Roonil Wazlib:

Just wanted to add my two cents onto Sulpicia’s great reply bc I am also a massive introvert! I totally get what you’re feeling - honestly, by the end of my freshman year, I could only really count like 2 close friends that I had. I also tend to not reach out to people because I hate small talk (something I need to work on), and sometimes I have moods where I just shut down completely and don’t want to be around people at all. If you’re like me, I always prefer to get to know people “organically” if that makes sense? Like we’re naturally getting to know each other as opposed to constantly going out of our way to try and become friends.  If someone reaches out to me first then that’s totally great but I’m too introverted to be the initiator a lot of the time lol. 

What really changed for me sophomore year was joining a new group that I absolutely love (and love the people in), and that kind of triggered the social change. But it isn’t easy to find the group that you click with, so some other things I’d suggest are a) going to office hours (if you’re STEM/in pset classes). This sounds really stupid but I actually met so many people by religiously going to ECO/ORF/COS office hours last year - I didn’t go with the intention of meeting people (I was just struggling af), but I just met so many other people and bonded with them over the struggle of the class. I really think mutual struggle creates a natural bond between people, and you can meet people that you can pset with in the future and hopefully develop friendships from there. It’s completely natural to just approach a random person at office hours and say “hey, have you looked at problem x yet?” and then continue a conversation about their name/major, friend them on FB, and ask them if they want to work together in the future. b) If you’re in your room all the time/work in your room a lot, stop doing that and work somewhere more public (if it doesn’t get int he way of you studying). Whenever I worked in my room alone, I just felt so lonely and trapped. I like working in Frist bc so many people are there, and sometimes if I’m at a table and an acquaintance needs somewhere to sit they’ll ask me if they can join - loneliness problem solved! Even if I’m not working with someone (or I’m at a library), there are still people surrounding me even if I don’t know them, so I feel a lot less alone. A lot of people become friends just by studying together a lot, so if you can find people to study with that leads to friendship. c) Don’t worry that because you don’t have friends now, it’ll affect the rest of your Princeton experience or something. A lot of my friends who graduated last year told me that their close friends changed every year, so it’s not like you’re “missing out” on this period where everyone is making friends and that how it will be for 4 years.

sorry this ended up being so long lol idk if it will be helpful but tldr i feel ur pain but you will be okay!!

[mem-en-to]

I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยงๆ อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.