#i shutdown bc I was holding back the meltdown bc I knew I’d say something I’d regret to him | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

oranberrie · 2 years ago

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Sometimes, I’m like “man, I think I might have been looking too deep, I’m not sure if I’m autistic.” And then I nearly have a meltdown but then instead shut down after The Plan For Today that only I know goes awry and therefore messes up The Plan For Next Week, when had things been done The Right Way nothing would have gone wrong.

#see also: interacting with any special interest I have #see also: encountering transitions #see also: socializing sober #see also: the list goes on #and then I have to remind myself when I feel bad for correcting myself from “might” have to definitely has #because self diagnosis is valid and even if I end up being allistic that if my life is made less suicidal by accompanying myself then #who tf cares?#frankly I don’t have the time money or even will to live to think about getting an official diagnosis #(I have a therapist we’re working on the will to live bit)#it’s kinda like I’m the off brand ASD. generic. Walmart version. if you can’t get your diagnosis from a doctor store bought is fine #oh yeah I was 13 minutes late to an important appointment and therefore passed the 10 minute late window they give you so they rescheduled #all because my brother didn’t want to take the car that a) has valid tags b) wasn’t blocked in in the garage c)#i shutdown bc I was holding back the meltdown bc I knew I’d say something I’d regret to him #like I’m aware that it’s not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things but that doesn’t change how angry it made me

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