#i shouldn't really be eating those so i mostly got them for my mum

[branmer]

i am so behind on all things christmas everyone im sending stuff to is probably gonna get it between christmas and new year, if that ;A;

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I don't know what to TW this as, I don't think this is quite financial abuse but there's definite gaslighting mentioned here.

I live at home with my mum, and I'm an only child. She is my carer, as I am disabled, but she is verbally and emotionally abusive at times.

Medical professionals have determined that while one of my conditions may improve (which is not impacting my physical ability), my others will not, and she cannot accept that. She keeps saying if we rebuild my stamina, I could go out and do things every day, and this is not true, and even doing things every other day damages my body after a week.

Now, I do not need supervision all the time, I mostly need her when I leave the house or to cook meals if they need the stove or preparing, so she can go out when she likes - we eat dinner together anyway, with the same food - but I feel like she wants me to get better so she can do trips out and get me to pay for them.

I only say this because if we go out together, she makes me pay for everything, even if she's the one who asked (or begged me to go with her) because suddenly 'she's only there for me' and I must have forgotton that I wanted to go in the first place which is a load of bollocks unless that happens every single time, but it's really bugging me.

I know it seems like quite the accusation, but I'm really tired of it and have no way of truly escaping without becoming completely housebound and limited to unhealthy meals. My only hope is if I find a partner willing to give up their independent life, but it can be hard to do that when you have a parent hovering over your shoulder when not in the house. I got close once but he was abusive in all the ways, worse than her, but she has the same behaviours so that worries me, too.

(also she literally said recently that even if I got better enough that she could get a job and stop being my carer, she'd prefer to keep that quiet so she doesn't have to work as she feels done with that)

I don't really know what this is, I think I'm asking for reassurance that I'm not going crazy and that her behaviour is odd at least - I understand that to her, a full life is out and about every single day, but even if that was my ideal life, it's not healthy for me and there is nothing stopping her from doing those things without me, other than my money. And given I pay for 75% of the bills/shopping/rent, even for things that are not in my name, plus my own bills, she can afford to go out and spend a bit of money on these things (she spent £100 on a bird feeder last week then whined that she was skint and needed money from me, so maybe she just needs to prioritise, but still, not really the point).

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that you're not going crazy and your concerns are valid.

While it sounds like your mom may be coming from a place of optimism by suggesting that your stamina could be improved, it's important for her to understand that it doesn't really work like that and she needs to digest the fact that your disability does have its limits, especially considering the damage it can potentially do to your body to ignore that.

It doesn't sound fair that she makes you pay for everything. It's understandable to be exhausted by this. Considering the circumstances it should really be her paying for these things, especially because they seem to largely be her ideas. Worst comes to worst perhaps splitting a bill (evenly, might I add), but you shouldn't be covering expenses every single time, that's simply unbalanced and exploitative.

Please let us know if there's anything we can to do help you in this situation. It doesn't sit right with me the idea that you're just stuck in this position and I wish there was something I could do.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[unicornprincessinthetardis]

My (often relatively reasonable) dad: ...so Enoch Powell was right, what he said has happened.

Me: and you don't think maybe he could've said it without inciting racial hatred and literally saying that in time the rivers might run with the blood of 'native' British people because of immigration, do you?

My dad: no, you're being ridiculous, it had to be said, and there really are areas of cities that are majority black or Muslim now so he was right in his predictions, and it didn't change how things were anyway

Me: *goes away to calm down and read up on the 'Rivers of Blood' speech*

[I already knew some of this but here's a précis for those unfamiliar: in April 1968, in Wolverhampton, UK, a Conservative MP, Enoch Powell, made a speech, about the proposed 'Race Relations Bill' (which subsequently made it illegal to refuse housing/ employment/public services to people on the grounds of race/colour/ ethnic & national origins).

The speech was strongly anti-immigrant, calling for 'voluntary re-emigration' and for moves to be made to stem the tide of immigration, else Britain would be 'overrun' and sooner or later white British people would find themselves fully second-class citizens, and that in some ways they already were. He also talked about a "tragic and intractable phenomenon which we watch with horror on the other side of the Atlantic", which I take to mean immigration in the USA to the similar end of white people no longer being in charge - which in 1968 was so far from the truth, and just horrible baseless fear-mongering, playing on people’s xenophobia and racist prejudice - and compared pro-immigration/anti-discrimination newspapers to the ones that had denied and hid the rise of fascism and threat of war in the 1930s. Plus, he talked about a constituent of his, a woman who lived on a street that had become occupied by mostly black people, who lost her white lodgers and complained to the council for a tax rate reduction because she wouldn't take black tenants, and instead basically got told not to be racist, and presented it as a bad thing that she'd been treated like that.

The speech's common name comes from a phrase he quoted from the Aenid (because he was also a Cambridge-educated classics scholar), 'I seem to see "the River Tiber foaming with much blood"', although he just called it 'the Birmingham speech' and seemed to be surprised by the uproar he caused.]

Me (to self): So it didn't change things did it? How do you explain the attacks against nonwhite people where the attackers literally shouted his name and repeated his rhetoric? Oh, they would definitely have happened if he hadn't made that speech, wouldn't they? And the British people of foreign descent who were so afraid they might be removed from their lives just for not being white they always had cases packed to go? And the fact that experts says he set back progress in 'race relations' by about ten years and legitimised being racist/anti-immigrant in the same way UKIP and some pro-Brexit types have done within the last few years here (fun fact: immediately after the Brexit vote, people were being racially and physically abusive to visibly Muslim and/or South Asian people, telling them to leave because of Brexit, which was of course extreme nonsense because their presence would be nothing to do with the EU, and more likely the British Empire and the Commonwealth, but they were doing it because it seemed suddenly okay to be openly racist, because Nigel Farage and his ilk, and a legally non-binding vote surrounded in lies, said so) and others have done elsewhere, in the US and Europe and Brazil and so many other places.

Powell was interviewed about the speech in 1977 and stood by his views, said that because the immigration figures were higher than those he had been 'laughed at' about in his speech, he was right and now governments didn't want to deal with the "problem", were passing it off to future generations and it would go on until there was a civil war!

He also said he wasn't a 'racialist' (racist) because he believed a "'racialist' is a person who believes in the inherent inferiority of one race of mankind to another, and who acts and speaks in that belief" so he was in fact "a racialist in reverse" as he regarded "many of the peoples in India as being superior in many respects—intellectually, for example, and in other respects—to Europeans." (I mean, I know I can't hold him to our standards but a) that's still racism and b) he did think that mankind was divided into very distinct, probably biologically so, races, which, yes, normal for the time, but the whole 'each with different qualities and ways in which they were better than others' is iffy)

Me: *goes back to Dad to make my point and definitely not get upset* So here are some things that literally happened as a consequence of the 'Rivers of Blood' speech...

So even if he was correct to say what he did (I mean, he wasn't but you have to tiptoe around Dad and I had points to make), he shouldn't have said it the way he did

My dad: so you think the truth should be suppressed? You're only looking at this from one perspective (he thinks he knows better because he was alive at the time and my brother and I weren't despite the fact that we're both into politics and history and, y'know, not into scapegoating, behaving oddly, and laying blame because people are different to us - he and mum also have issues with trans people and we're trying so hard to change their views/behaviours but I'm not sure it's working & that's a whole different story) and there are these areas that really are Muslim-only (because informal lending and wanting to keep the community together is such a crime, right?) and they don't integrate and want to impose Sharia law (only he couldn't remember what it was called right then) and you don't know what it's like (he is an engineer surveyor and travels all over to inspect boilers and cooling systems and all sorts of stuff, and this includes into majority-Black or -Asian (Muslim and otherwise) areas in Birmingham - which is not a no-go area for non-Muslims, I'm a deeply agnostic white woman, it's my nearest big city and I wish I went there more often but it's tricky as I don't drive, public transport is bad/inconvenient, and I have no friends to go with except depression and anxiety [which are worse 'friends' than the ones that I found out only liked me in high school because I always had sweets and snacks at lunch so when I got braces and my mouth hurt too much to eat much of anything which meant I certainly didn't have snacks, they dropped me pretty quickly] so apparently he's the expert on all such matters)

What I wish I'd said: *staying very calm* well, and that's your opinion, I'm going, I've got sewing to finish *leaves*

What actually happened:

Me: have you considered that they are able to buy up areas like that because white people leave because of their prejudice against the 'influx'?

Dad: they buy up great areas because they buy in groups (I think this refers to a sort of community lending thing to be compliant with various parts of Islam? [Please correct me if I'm wrong] which is effectively what building societies/credit unions were, at least to begin with, and he doesn't take issue with those) and want to stay together. Why do they do that? Sikhs don't do that, they buy big houses and aren't bothered about being close together.

Me: different religious ethoses? I don't know... But you do know that they people who want the UK to be a caliphate ruled by Sharia law are just a minority, and that most Muslims would not want that at all, just like you?

Dad: but they still do want it, and it could happen, if there was a charismatic leader,

Me: *incredulous* you know it's about as likely for that to actually happen as for strictly Orthodox Jewish people to be able to make this country into another Israel, right? Besides, there are the police, and the armed forces, and intelligence agencies, not to mention the Government and civil service (thought I'd got a win there, he hates the unchanging upper-class-public-school-Oxbridge nature of the people who effectively really run the government, constant no matter the leaning of the elected party, but no) who have a vested interest in preserving themselves in their current state so would be able to stop anything like that

Dad: yes, but the cutting of funding to police and public services means they might not be able to stop it (I realise now that he's oddly economically left-wing but also really quite socially conservative in some ways)

Me: *getting angry* but it's still an absolute minority, most Muslims would be horrified if it really did happen, and have you ever considered that maybe they wouldn't be so ill-disposed to us and to integration if we didn't demand it of them the moment that they arrive, demand that they assimilate or go away (he often uses the phrase "yes, but they're in somebody else's country, they should make an effort") and maybe young people wouldn't be so easily radicalised and people generally mistrust the people who don't try to understand them, you know, want them to change everything about themselves (for instance, Dad is violently opposed to the burqa etc and not really a fan of the hijab - still doesn't get that it's a choice and people can do what they want because apparently 'anyone could be wearing one of those things' - burqas/niqabs, I presume - and that it must all be forced because who would possibly choose to dress like that - I have half a mind to show him those sites about Christian modest dressing (one was a shop and a lot of their range was pretty cute!) that I once found, just to see if that'll prove to him it is a choice thing) *tries to leave*

Dad: *angry* You stay there and listen to me! You're just looking at it from one perspective and that's not the truth, you're so biased and closed-minded, you only look at things your way!

Me: *furious* Really? Really? Am I? *Scoffs/incredulous exhalation* I'm closed-minded, am I?... *Storms out, shouts as I go* I'm not the one who said Enoch Powell was right!!

This is all heavily paraphrased, because I've been writing this for literal hours now and I was angry and don't remember well at the best of times, it may have been worse than how I'm writing it

Also, going to be tricky to patch up but right now I stand by what I said, because I know my perspective is limited, but at least I actually admit that and try to find out what people different to me think, rather than basing all my opinions and things on my own experiences which can't be universal, as he seems to

Other bs my dad said during the two conversations: "don't get so upset about it, it's only history" (which is bold, considering it was the 50th anniversary this year and he was literally 11 years old when it happened so probably saw/heard news coverage)... "Yes of course far right groups use 'Enoch was right' as a slogan, it doesn't mean anything"... Reiterating the 'nothing changed' thing multiple times... Dismissing the fact that Powell said there'd be a civil war because apparently just because the British/Europeans were aggressive conquerors anyone else who came in numbers anywhere would eventually have that aim and how ridiculous that view actually is... Dismissing the fact that Powell basically incited racial hatred and violence with the inclusion of an irrelevant Classical phrase which spread fear on all sides...

I could go on but I'm so tired and don't want to make myself more upset

I love my parents but I really don't like them very much lately but I don't know if I just put up with it or leave sooner or later and if I do leave I don't know where I'd go because no friends

Basically I'm so sorry for my parents' prejudices which I'm still trying to unlearn myself - I apologise wholeheartedly to all Muslim and Jewish people and honestly pretty much everyone they're prejudiced against

[j0shy]

thu, 10 march 2022

i'm in california!

let me talk about yesterday first, because after my flight and staying awake here for a whole day i was simply too tired to.

so my mum brought me to the airport, where i didn't hug her goodbye properly at all because i suck. i hadn't eaten any breakfast and i honestly wasn't planning on eating on the plane, but after several hours of waiting once i got onto the plane the only thing they technically "offered" me, and which i declined, was lunch. then they gave me a cupcake, and a brownie, and dinner, and they never actually asked if i wanted any of those things.

flying was awesome, though. i mean. that long a flight was a bit much. but looking out the window was pretty and i mostly managed to entertain myself. so.

everything was smooth sailing. i was surprised at it.

then i got to the us, and i had to get through customs... apparently going to a country on the other side of the world for two whole months is suspicious. there was a lady who was just straight up mean to me, and a man who was nicer but who i think ultimately asked a lot more questions. i was so scared they weren't going to believe me, even though i knew i was telling the truth about everything.

i mean, in hindsight "i took two months off from my job to visit my internet friend on the other side of the world. no, really, we're just friends" sounds kinda weird. also pronouns were fucked and i'm just. idk. it's the next day and i still get anxiety thinking about it.

jubilee picked me up. we drove back to their house and i took a quick shower. then we went for a walk.

we also ate in n out and i could only make myself eat less than half a burger and most of my fries but not nearly all. that sucked. to be fair in n out really wasn't as good as jubilee made it out to be, though. worse than dutch mcdonald's. the fries weren't crispy and the burger was eh... ok it's a burger. but maybe if we go again i shouldn't just be ordering whatever looks most low cal.

i conked out before 8 pm because i'd been awake for super long. like by then it was almost 4 am in the netherlands.

now for today...

i woke up in the middle of the night because my brain decided it was morning, so then i wrote for a while, because y'know. that's what i do. at 5 am i went back to sleep until 8 am-ish, and then i just stayed in bed on my phone until jubilee woke up.

i wanted to only eat a cracker for breakfast, but the ones here are ridiculously tiny. i wasn't going to survive on just one of those all day. so i ate bread, even though the bread here is weird and disgusting. like it's just so... solid. i don't even know. at least the marmalade only has supposedly 10 calories per serving, but i didn't really trust that so i counted it as 20.

for dinner we ordered food. that was stressful because i had to suddenly decide what i wanted and i didn't know the calories. i looked them up after dinner, though. i think the ice cream is really what fucked me. if i'd skipped that and eaten just the hot dog and fries i'd have been fine. but alas, i'm over 1000 today. i hope i don't gain weight tomorrow.

this morning jubilee and i went to the beach. we found a bunch of sand dollars, which are these seastar family-like things. i also found a bunch of shells. it was really nice. the sea air was great as well.

i have more photos, but tumblr won't let me add more. but yeah. it was great.

it wasn't a long walk, though. it only burned 190 calories. so. it doesn't help with my overeating problem of today. and i felt so happy about my weight this morning. also tomorrow's dinner is heavily meat based so i feel like that's gonna be a problem.

anyway. i'm having a bath now, so i'll end this entry here. i wanna relax for a bit before i go to bed.

breakfast: coke zero (2)

lunch: bread (90), marmelade (20)

dinner: pickle (4), hot dog + bun (330), ketchup (20), fries (280), cookie dough ice cream (420), coke zero (2)

total: 1,164

by the way i feel like writing about my day in these terms always makes it seem like the only thing i think about is food. and actually i am thinking about food all the time. all day every day. but also i'm still enjoying these experiences. i just don't feel... different? i'm not any happier than ever. but i'm doing something for me, that i worked hard for, and that is just simply the best. the beach was awesome. and yesterday the train tracks were awesome. and jubilee makes me both anxious and happy to be around.

this is a public diary. i have a whole follower. i'm gonna stop talking now.

[j0shy]

thu, 3 march 2022

i already wrote today's entry once before, but apparently tumblr hates me.

let me try again.

today, i stayed in bed until 12 pm so i didn't have to eat. i know i shouldn't have done that, but i felt like if i was still in bed, i wasn't technically "skipping" breakfast, and i was really worried about eating pizza for dinner.

when i eventually did get up, i ate a tub of melon pieces. it's not like i was planning to not eat all day!

mum was already awake when i came downstairs, so that was nice. usually i have to wake her. but she left for work early. she also got home early!

yesterday she yelled at me and i felt really bad. i was trying to explain my experience as a trans man to her, because we were talking about how i don't feel safe walking the streets here sometimes. she just kept repeating that she doesn't experience living here that way and i was like "that's great for you, but this place is pretty backwards and i am openly trans and queer, so it's different" but i guess she didn't want to hear that.

i always freeze up when people yell at me. my mum's no different. i feel like she uses it to her advantage, because she knows once she raises her voice she'll automatically "win".

anyway. so for dinner i ate pizza, and then i took a walk. i'll admit it was a panic walk, because i finished almost the entire pizza, and i obviously don't know how many calories it had, though i'm guessing it was around 1500.

it was a really nice walk, though! the sun was setting and it was kind of chilly, but combine that with the exercise i was getting and it just felt nice!

i've been avoiding going on long walks because... well mostly because after work, i get lazy. but also because the obsessive way i was doing it before wasn't enjoyable and i didn't want to fall back into that.

i guess i forgot walking can also be nice, too. i might go on a walk again, tomorrow. or maybe not. i have blisters.

only a few more days until i'm supposed to fly to america. i'm really worried i'll test positive for covid the day before. mum has symptoms. she tested negative on a home-test, but i don't really trust those. or that she took it the right way.

there's more things i'm worried about regarding america. like: i'm worried jubilee won't be who they say they are. i'm worried they'll hurt me and because i'm stuck in another country, i won't be able to leave. i'm worried we won't do all the things they say we'll do: that instead i'll be stuck inside their house. i'm worried they'll treat me like they have to do what i say. sometimes they already try even now.

i'm worried they'll be angry and depressed all the time: that something will be wrong every day that i can't fix.

i'm also worried i won't be able to finish the fic i'm working on on ao3. i only have 3 more chapters to go, but just like always, having to write the ending is giving me a bit of anxiety.

also... look. i know how this entry sounds. the future therapist who's going to read this (because showing them my journal is easier than trying to explain everything) is probably going to think i'm engaging in some pretty self destructive patterns. i'm worried about eating. i'm counting my steps. i have a job down south but i'm planning on quitting and moving back home to a place where in the past i've never thrived.

but i'm trying to recover from my disordered eating. i don't know if what i had ever counted as a disorder, but i don't want it to be that. i also don't want to go back to eating my feelings every time i feel bad, because i always feel bad. that's kind of the entire reason i wanna go back to therapy after all this time. it's not getting better.

i have a job i actually like and i live in an entirely different place where i was trying to build a future away from my mother and i'm getting out of my comfort zone and doing fun things i would never have otherwise done, and i still think about jumping in front of a train and i still hate myself and i still want everything to just stop.

back with my mum, i can go back to therapy. mum even wants to go to therapy together, which means i can think about a future that she's actively a part of where hopefully our relationship isn't so toxic.

i can also go back to school. maybe i can figure out a dream for the future that isn't just "make money and survive". maybe if i figure out what i want, i can actually make something of my life.

plus. i miss my cat. and he lives with my mum. so.

breakfast: skipped

lunch: melon (50)

dinner: pizza (?)

total: ???