#i shouldn't miss him. i should be strong and know im better off without him like i did when i was 18. 4 years later and im *weaker*

[geddy-leesbian]

I need to yell into the void

I miss my sister. I miss my nephews. My sister always sucked on some level, but I miss the time before she went from sometimes being kinda shitty to an outright betrayal that I will never, ever be able to forgive. I miss when we were able to have a distant but okay relationship because she was fun in small doses. I miss my nephews. I miss when for christmas we would all go over to my sister's house and play Mario Party while the nephews were awake, and then switch to board games after they went to bed. I hate that my nephews probably won't even remember they have an aunt Heather, and that if they do remember me enough to ask my sister will lie to them and make me (and my mom and brother) out as terrible people. I hate that my niece will definitely not know she has an aunt Heather because I only met her once when she was a newborn.

I don't miss my dad. But I miss having a dad. I'm glad he's finally respected my repeated statements I want nothing to do with him and hasn't made any contact that I've been making since I was 14. For years of my life I would literally fantasize about turning 18 and not going to his house anymore, changing my name, and blocking his number. Yet I miss when he'd still send me a text on my birthday or holidays because even though every time I got one it would fill me with dread and I'd mentally call bullshit on him saying he loved me and would always be there for me, but on some level I think really deep down I enjoyed the validation from the texts. I really did think that he loved me. Even when he was doing unforgivable things and ruining my life, I never doubted he loved me on some level. He didn't really like who I really was as a person, but he at least loved the version of Heather he had in his head. He was emotionally abusive and a bad parent, but that didn't mean he didn't love me. The texts he would send even though I told him to his face I hated him and never wanted to see him again and after that completely ignored him kinda showed that he did still love me unconditionally. That's how it felt to me at least. But no. He gave up on me. He has never respected boundaries, not mine or anyone's. So many fucking times I would try and set boundaries with him, sometimes by myself, on multiple occasions with different therapists, and that man never hesitated to cross any of them. He didn't stop texting me because the fact I want zero contact with him finally got through his thick skull, he stopped for the same reason he's done everything else he's ever done, he wanted to.

If he texted me a "Merry Christmas, sweetie" in 3 days, my blood would boil and I'd be bitching to someone about him having the nerve to still keep trying to talk to me, but deep down I'd be happy to just have a tiny shred of evidence that my dad loves me because he's my fucking dad and it's the bare minimum he's supposed to do and if he loved me he wouldn't have given up so easily.

I miss when my dad would at least pretend to care so I could think that the two people in this world who are supposed to love me do. I miss when, even though I fucking hated him, if I texted him that I had a migraine and ran out of my prescription he would bring me one of his pills. I just miss... i don't know I just miss.

I don't miss any of my paternal relatives. They're vile people, worse than my dad himself. But on some level I miss when I'd have a dozen people who would pretend they loved me a few times a year. Going to those family gatherings was hell for me. I would cry in the car on the way and have panic attacks, dig my fingernails into my arm as hard as I could. But somehow I fucking miss them.

I love my mom and my older brother and my younger sibling and I know they actually love me. Unlike everyone else in this post, they also know me. They know me on more than a surface level. They don't love their ideas of who they think I am, they love who I am. They don't force me to hug them and take family pictures because their love isn't performative, they don't need to show off and virtue signal to the world that they love me.

But I still just want more. I miss things I never had in the first place.

I felt so much happier when I first turned 18, that was 2020 so the world sucked but I still felt so much happier because I was finally able to do what I'd dreamed of for years and cut off the people who were destroying me. I didn't miss my dad, or any other relatives, the first year. Not at all. It was just a good riddance. But it's like as time goes by my brain forgets how bad everything was and misses it. And even when I try to remind myself, think about the horrible things my grandma would say about me, remind myself of all the times my biology teacher would let me sit in a little office connected to his classroom because the stress of my dad would make me cry in class, remind myself that it was bad enough I was suicidal and put into an every single day intensive outpatient program for mental health two different times, look at the picture of the GPS tracker my dad illegally put on my mom's car... none of it clicks. Part of my brain just won't accept that there's nothing worth missing.

[saturnsstufff]

The Empress- Darker the Weather // Better the Man

Warnings: topics from the empress, Violence

Sarah laid on the makeshift cot. Lately with how everything had been pulled out, the war seemed like it had no end. Her eyes danced dully well her fingers fiddled with the locket from her lovers. Tears easily welled her eyes at the thought of them waiting for her.

Distant, everything is scattered

She missed them, she missed them more than she thought she truly would. The way their fingers danced warmly around her locks. Or how mornings were spent wrapped up tightly within her wives arms, the cold artic air contrasting to the warm blankets. She just missed the softness of the lingering moments.

When your mind is shattered and torn apart

She knew the war wouldn't last forever, yet with every passing day, it seemed the ending was fading. Sarah knew she shouldn't be mad at Technoblade or (y/n), but she couldn't help it.

Maybe it started with (y/n), the way she clinged and lulled the grand emperor into a false sense of pride. She easily Loathed that. Everyone within the empire assumed the Emperor was in control, but Sarah- being the general, knew exactly who had the power.

In an instant, I can be indifferent

But could she really bring herself to hate her? After all she was pregnant with the Emperor's baby as of currently.

She knew she shouldn't, yet it was so easy...

When she walked into the tent to see the Grand Emperor packing his things- it left her seething. He was going to leave them- leave his troops- his people- people who gave so much in hopes to end the conflict quickly. Technoblade should have known others were missing important family events, yet here they stood, proudly serving under his name.

The blame is always shifted from the start

And it was all because She, called- begged, him to come home.

She couldn't linger about any longer, she needed to distract herself. So grabbing a cloak she left the base camp, although some of the men asked about where she was leaving too. Sarah simply wiped her eyes with pride and assured them of her return.

Leafless treetops in the snow

Views of death and bitter cold

The walk towards the nearby village was a bore. Due to the cold, barely any animals found home within the snow, anymore Sarah was starting to see the appeal of moving somewhere warmer.

Instead of visiting a bakery or a warm café, Sarah found herself wondering into a bar. Perusal, only the odd were within the warm walls. Brute men and sly women hogging up around the bar.

Without a step of hesitance she took her seat at the bar, the two brooding men beside her looked as if they should have scared her off. Yet when they tried to comment on Sarah's seat she simply sent a cold glare. Towards them, a wordless death threat of silence.

When the men backed off, they ultimately decided to move seats completely. In turn a younger gentleman took their seats.

Sarah didn't acknowledge him, something seemed off about it, yet she couldn't place her finger quite on it. The man took a glance to her, his fluffier Blonde hair radiating a familiar tone.

"You seemed troubled..." the man purred, sending Sarah into a eyeroll. Typical men. She thought, knowing exactly where this was leading.

"Don't think like that." The man said, his green eyes flashing slightly as a warning. "I'm only here to hear out a strangers problem... I'm hear to help." He mused.

Although Sarah was offset and held the high urge to not tell a thing to this man. Something told her it was worth it. She needed to get it off her chest.

So she did.

And through that, she felt her nerves lessen. With layer, and layer dropped about Technoblade, his wife, his family, everything. She felt a silver lining.

Something that should have stuck out to her however, was when she went on about Technoblade, the Man seemed to just know everything about him. Even things she didn't know- things that seemed future related. It was odd.

Yet here she found herself, drink in hand, explaining her problems to a lost man at a bar. Through the end of her rant, the only thing he had to say was "Men are hard, but im sure you've herd it before..." at the line she shrugged and looked to her glass.

The swirling bourbon within held her reflection, but something eerier about it, was when she glanced to the man inside the glass. The reflection, although looking exactly like the man beside her, when looking closer she saw halo's crossing over his face, Golden beams of bended light.

When she looked back to the man, he was looking at her unamused. "You know, there is a saying out there, that you may find, useful..." the man said.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

"What is the saying..." Sarah asked cautiously, now alarmed from the mans reflection. She watched the man take a drink before smiling- almost sinisterly.

"The Darker the Weather, the Better the Man" he said. Sarah gave a odd look to him, not understanding, but it didn't take long for the man to elaborate. "Say something hardens the man your talking about. Something that will truly drive him cold. He may turn out better than you expected. After all, weaklings rarely survive war." The man said casually.

The line rang around inside Sarah's mind, what could make techno so cold, that he refused to go home. The man watched her, trying his best to hide the wicked smile he held.

But the darker the weather, the better the man

And then it hit her. Almost like sheer brilliance, it hit her dead on.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

The letters to you.

You can't have my-

When Wilbur was tasked with waking you up, it was easy to say he was always overjoyed. With techno being absent from your side, Wil always tried his best to make you smile. Sometimes even Tommy would tag along.

Of course, Tommy didn't understand the severity of the moment how heartbroken and lost you felt, but he could easily tell you were sad at the least. So he also tried to cheer you up.

Sun shines through an open window

So on days he woke you, he would often run into Technoblade room, your silhouette laying within the oversized bed. He often viewed it as misplaced for how lonely your body looked.

But that didn't ever stop him from pulling the curtains open, the light rarely shined brightly through the glass, but in the end it did allow more light within. Well Wilbur pulled the curtains, tommy would often bounce on your bed, doing his best to make you smile.

Close the curtains real slow to hide the light

Although you would hide your face and try to hide, tommy wouldn't stop his smiling and joyful laugh. Yet Wilbur would always watch how your eyes would linger to techno's side of the bed. Wilbur hadn't seen the letters between you and techno, but he always saw how they tore you up. Whatever he was saying was hurting you, and Wilbur despised it.

But in time, maybe I can change it

At the least Wilbur was thankful you had Orion beside you, he was able to calm most of your haywire nerves. Of course, Wilbur never liked how close he was to you. But, he understood it was a time where you just needed someone.

We'll find someone who feels the same as me

Wilbur saw how you tried to hide your pain, your long nights spent crying, the days you refused to eat, the way you refused to acknowledge techno's lost presence. It was obvious who you were not on good terms.

Wilbur couldn't help his curiosity, he knew it was wrong, yet he did it anyway. When you had left your office for bed Wilbur snuck in, it was the first time he was in Technoblade office alone. The sword you made held high on the wall, truthfully it was poetic.

On a plaque underneath it, was lettering inscribed "the Empress" like the embodied empress, the sword similarly hung alone. With care he slid into your chair, slowly pulling the letters out to read.

You broke me down and stole my soul

And oh was his pissed. For good reason, he saw why everyone was so upset with him.

Left me vacant and all alone

Out of everyone, Orion was the one to see you at your worst. Never had he assumed he would have been so close to someone that he would have gave everything to take your pain away. It left his blood boiling to see you hurt the way you were.

Months of being alone, feeling lost, unloved, unwelcomed. It truly left him with a burning hate. Orion knew he could treat you so much better, that he could take care and provide for you and your infant child.

Over the time techno was gone, he felt he was the only commander to truly hate his leader. Hate what he puts others through, he hated the sorrow he brought along.

But the darker the weather, the better the man

But nothing compared to the pure rage Orion felt when he herd what techno did to you. When you all rested at Foolish's summer home, you didn't lay with techno right off the bat, instead you explained what happened between techno and you.

And Orion was livid.

Techno had put his hands on you- had put his hands on your throat. Orion felt every bone in his body scream to get even. No one raises a hand to those they love, it was just a unspoken law. Orion would have taken to Technoblade as well, only thing holding him back was your tender soft words.

"Please don't- please Orion... let it stay between us..." you begged to him. Soft doe eyes pleading to the Enderian.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

Although it gnawed at Orion’s heart, he respected your call and left it lie. But that didn't stop what fallowed.

With the Enderian's blood flowing strong with rage, emotion, and the urge to defend, he couldn't help the way his eyes slit with the dragons hue, the blood curdling purple that drove fear into those around him.

You were far down the hall, everyone was asleep, it was a perfect time to let everything go.

You can't have my

And go he did..

He had never felt it, even though his blood ran with the Enderian's, he had never felt his anger hit the point of breaking.

The point that others forewarned him about. The point where his jaw would dislocate and his skin would tear open to allow the canines of a monster to show.

It wasn't a side he thought he had.

You can't have my

Yet when the thought laced through his mind again. The thought of techno putting his hands on you, he felt the pop, and the blinding rage that fallowed. Throwing the nearest object as he let the curdling scream out.

You can't have my soul

When techno undressed for the night, he couldn't explain the shame and hurt that he felt. He couldn't meet his own gaze within the mirror. He knew you were willing to bathe with him again. Lay for the night and try and wish it to be what it once was.

But he knew he Hurt you. He knew it wasn't his direct doing, but he was involved- he took it too far.

He could still see the nail marks from where you grabbed his face, he hoped it wasn't the same for your neck.

He didn't deserve you.

He knew it. The way he lashed and you too willing asked him to bathe with you like it was over. You taking his hands, his face his body into your hands, you were truly too wonderful. To amazing for him.

But the darker the weather, the better the man

When you stepped into the bathroom he saw your tired eyes, your arms firmly around Thena. He saw how attached you were to her. She was your world, she was the world techno wanted to live with.

Techno knew he had no right to ask to hold her, not after what he had done to his tiny family. Yet he couldn't help but want to feel you and her in his arms. He wanted to redeem himself and show you he was worthy enough to protect you both.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

After all he was still your husband and her father in the end, it was his job, his one thing he cannot mess up. He knew others were on the line. Others more important than a endless battalion, you were his wife, his life, the mother of his daughter.

You were his world.

But the darker the weather, the better the man

So from that day, he swore. Dare anyone lay a hand on his wife, and daughter. He would raise hell upon them.

He would never loose you too like he almost did.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

[standbyu-03]

I got you, babe

Pairing : Chris Evans x reader

Summary : Chris hasn't gone home for a long time. When he came back just for 2 days and had a fight with you.

Warning : angst, language, some fluff

Word count : 918

MASTERLIST

Pic not mine

It has been raining for 5 hours. There is no sign it’s going to stop. And y/n still not get home. Chris’s worry about hers, specially her safety,...everything outside seems too dangerous for her. That’s what Chris was thinking right now.

He’s sitting on the couch, waiting for her to come home.

Y/n slightly opened the door, she walked gently on tiptoe.

“Where have you been y/n ?” - Chris grinned

His voice is so clear and strong, which made y/n scared.

“Why do you care ?” - She said in not a sober voice.

“Are u drunk ?” Chris’s worrry and a hint of angry.

Y/n replied and giggled “No,.. not really baby.”

“It’s 2 o’clock y/n. It’s fuckin’ late. You left work about 9 hours. You didn't come home for dinner - which I cooked for u. You disappeared. I called you a thousand times. Check your phone, y/n. And now u come home when u tipsy? What’s wrong with u, honey ?”

He asked without a pause. Chris’s extremely sad now.

Y/n took off her coat, kicked her high-heels, and barked :

“Huh, so now u care about me ?” She smirked

Y/n didn't let him say another words. Y/n continued :

“You left me here, at this damn house for 3 months. It’s 3 months, Chris. You didn't answer my call or my text. Do you know what I’m doing in the past 3 months? I kept thinking “Did I do anything wrong? I said something I shouldn't say ?” Those thoughts, those damn feelings keep bothering me”

Y/n took a deep breath and continued

“And now, you came home for only 2 days and want everything to be the same as the old-time? You gotta be kidding me “

“Now you better sleeping in this damn sofa. ‘Cause I won't let u go to our room. Oh or just my room ‘cause for god's sake you haven't come home, our home for 3 months.” Y/n grinned and goes straight to her room.

No sooner did she came to her room than Chris heard some noises. He ran quickly to the room, opened the door, and saw y/n fell on the floor.

She kept holding her stomach, whispered sth “I..I...”

“Don't say anything. I know what’s wrong with you. Let me grab some pills for you” Chris said.

Y/n has a stomach issue which explains why her stomach hurts right after she drunk just a little alcohol. But today she drunk a lot, ‘cause she can get his face out of her mind, she misses him, every second of her life. So she took a risk, went to the pub with some friends, drunk ‘till this late.

“Now drink this pill. Don't you dare to drink any alcohol again. And go rest on the bed, don't take shower y/n. I will take care of u in tomorrow morning.”

Chris knows about y/n’s illness, moreover, he knew every detail about her sickness. When she feels tired, which foods she can't eat, what drinks make her stomach burns like hell, what medicines she should take in a specific condition,... Just like that, he knows her, he understands her body better than herself. And somehow just like that, she falls in love with him again.

She’s mad at him, hates him so much for not coming home for a long time. Sometimes when she felt tired, sick, or just wanted him to be by herself, but she just sat alone in this house, slept in the cold bed ‘cause without him, this home isn’t like it was. Lonely, sad, crumble is exactly what y/n felt in the last 3 months.

Then she started crying. “I miss you, Chris. I never stop missing you and loving you. How dare you leave me alone. I dont drink any drinks which include gas, I dont eat the banana,... a lot of things which I cant eat. But because of you, ‘cause I'm so fucking miss you, I had go the pub, drunk so fucking much whiskey, vodka, and so much more which i didn't let me touch it for my life.”

He kissed her deeply. She slightly opened her mouth, their tongues are constantly entwined. Her heart skipped a beat, just like the time was stopped when their mouth met each other.

He’s out of breath. Then he murmured, interrupted her talk “Im sorry honey. It’s my fault. I’m busy with my schedule. I thought you must be bored in this one-way relationship. The relationship you gave me so much love which I can't give back enough… I was thoughtless.”

“And...I... so afraid to call you. Just hearing your voice drives me insane. And I will jump to the plane, fly back here to your side. But I can't do that. I have to finish this work. So I let you choose. I let you leave me, I didn't pick up any of your phones ‘cause hearing you break up with me tears me into species. I'm a coward.” He cried...

“You’re an asshole.” She insisted.

“But the asshole I love. Always.”

He kissed her again. This time was more hungry, passionate. In his kiss, she felt she’s home again.

“I will make up for u. ” He insisted

“Just kissing and cuddling me.” She smiled “ Not that easy. You have to do more. I can’t forgive you easily. Remember that.”

“Yes, my princess. Everything you want.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: I miss you Rio: Guarantee I miss you more Buster: State your case then Rio: 😍😍 Buster: That's a strong introduction, how are you gonna follow it through? Rio: 🤤🤤 Buster: I like the thread of your argument, I can't lie, but I still miss you more Buster: 'Cause a girl was flirting with me in the gym and after telling her all the ways she doesn't compare to you, how incomparable you are was, and is, all I could think about Rio: As much as I probably shouldn't encourage you to be rude to random girls Rio: I love that you do so Buster: She embarrassed herself long before I embarrassed her, reckoning she had a chance Rio: I know what you mean Rio: the stalker has been getting inventive today Buster: Tell me Rio: We're doing this whole project in comp sci about viruses and shit Rio: and they've sent a meant-to-be-creepy spam type email Rio: it's got attachments but Rio: I've not looked yet Buster: Send it to me, I'll open it for you Rio: I know it's unlikely they're that smart Rio: but what if it does have some computer-killing 👾 attached? Buster: Smart enough that we haven't worked out who they are yet Buster: but if it's a virus, I'll buy another laptop Rio: it seems ridiculous Rio: this proves it has to be someone at school now, at least Rio: it's not like I've posted about my fucking homework anywhere Buster: How big's that class? Buster: Can discount my sister and your brother already, like Rio: Don't Rio: you're about the only person I've not thought it could be at my craziest Rio: probably about 30 odd though, standard Buster: Baby, they're the crazy one and I'm not letting them drive you even slightly close to the edge Buster: Who do you know and who don't you, percentage wise? Rio: I thought I knew everyone in this school, this town Rio: you'd think if someone was as creepy as this, anyway, that you'd know, they'd fucking stick out a bit but no Buster: It ain't a film, there's no creepy music playing to give it away Rio: if it was, it'd be dragging Rio: time for the resolve and happy ending Buster: Yeah, I know Buster: You wanna try calling that helpline again? Rio: Maybe Rio: I just wanna talk to you Rio: that's more helpful Buster: It's the least bullshit lead we've had for ages, I'll find a way to narrow it down more somehow Buster: We've got an obsession with you in common, it'll be me who figures it out if any cunt can Rio: Yours is the only one I need Buster: If you need to stay here for a while I'll sort it with my parents, yours, school, whoever Buster: You know that Rio: I know Rio: it's more and more tempting to not leave every time I go Buster: I just want you to be able to take an actual deep fucking breath Buster: Like you said, the amount of time this has been going on is ridiculous Rio: I can forget about it, most of the time Rio: but it's when something new happens, unexpected Buster: I'll kill him when we work out who it is Buster: 'Til then, stay with me Buster: He never does fuck all when you're here Rio: At least that's quick Rio: too nice if anything, babe Rio: always say that about you Buster: It don't have to be quick or nice Buster: Don't underestimate me, babe Rio: 🤤🤤 I rest my case Buster: I love you, that rests mine Buster: I'd do anything for you Rio: I love you so much Rio: I'd definitely be crazy without you, stalker or otherwise Buster: There's a fair chance I'd be stalking you too if things were any different between us Buster: I'd leave better presents though Rio: and I'd know it was you always Buster: 'Course Buster: I'd want you to know Rio: hence there's no world in which we ain't a thing Buster: [has bought her the most expensive and best ever anti virus software and all that jazz so sends her the deets like there you go] Rio: this really has everything Rio: thank you Buster: He ain't gonna be smart enough to get through that, I've been reading reviews since you told me Buster: And I have it too now so you don't have to worry about sending me whatever bullshit he does to you Rio: We can open it together then? Rio: [I think it shouldn't be camgirl moments but something @school to drive that home] Buster: Yeah, on the count of three Rio: [just some creeper shots all throughout the day up until that lesson] Rio: these are today, I'm 99% sure Rio: I swapped my bag Buster: Forget going there tomorrow, I'm booking you a flight here instead Buster: I'll think of a lie to tell my parents if you still don't want anyone else to know the truth Rio: there was always the possibility Rio: but now I know it's someone I really see in person Rio: every day Rio: jesus Buster: I meant what I said, I'm gonna find out who, whatever it takes Buster: I know it feels fucked, but it's good, that it's one of 30 classmates rather than the numbers of lads who watch your streams Rio: it's true Rio: but those lads could be anywhere in the world, not in the same room as me Buster: Which is why you shouldn't be in that room until we know which sick cunt it is Buster: Just give me some time, it's not like I don't have the money to throw at it Rio: I couldn't be there if I had to Rio: I don't even want to be here at home now Buster: How soon can you be at the airport? Rio: not for a while Rio: I mean, tonight, maybe Rio: what should I tell my mam? Buster: Tell her I'm having a breakdown, it wouldn't be the first time Buster: I'll trash the house for realism if it comes to it, like Rio: it'll keep her from being worried Rio: pissed off is fine, I'll deal with that when I can Buster: Exactly Buster: And Ava's at a friend's so I don't have to worry about scaring the shit out of her with my acting Buster: 'Cause it'd be stupid not to feed my parents the same lie Rio: You don't have to go that method Rio: but I wouldn't blame you Rio: I'm trying to keep my freak out internal because I'm looking after the twins and your sister is on her way Buster: I'm glad you're not on your own, even if the company is Nance Rio: I was kinda hoping someone took the homework too seriously and was pranking the whole class Rio: but nah, the email was more specific than I let on to her, of course Rio: even before the pictures Buster: 'Course you were Buster: He'd been quiet for a while Rio: really think he'd get bored at some point Rio: I never react, respond, everything they tell you Buster: Now isn't really the time for me to reiterate how stalkable you are again when I can do better with compliments Rio: the fact you can make me smile even at this time Buster: I can do better than that too, I'll make you forget about it Rio: yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: I need that Rio: my head is all over the place Buster: You've got it, and whatever else you need Rio: I only feel really safe when I'm with you Buster: You are safe with me, but you won't have to leave until you're also safe everywhere else Buster: I'm gonna fix it Rio: yeah Buster: I know I've said it before but this time I swear Buster: He fucked up by giving us a decent clue Rio: it does narrow it down Rio: even if it isn't the class, and it's just the school in general Rio: that's the most we've ever had to go on Buster: Exactly Rio: but what do we do Rio: if we work it out Buster: I told you, I'll kill him Rio: so you're the only one that ends up in prison Buster: I'm not a fucking amateur, babe Rio: mm Rio: 🙄😏 Buster: Hilarious Buster: Nance will be a way more receptive audience though Rio: yeah, really in the mood for this study sesh now Buster: I can easily change hers if you wanna get out of it Rio: nah Rio: I need to keep things normal Rio: only just invited her over, it'd be weird to change my mind Buster: You can blame me for that as well, I don't give a shit Rio: I can't leave yet, like you said, distraction is probably a good thing Buster: Alright, what can I do to make it a more bearable one? Buster: [loads of her fave things getting delivered to this gaff like don't be scared to answer your door, look they are all from me, here's the order confirmations] Rio: I don't deserve you Buster: You don't deserve the bullshit he's putting you through, you've always deserved me Rio: I feel like I should just Rio: stop the streams Rio: I know you aren't meant to change your lifestyle and habits for them but it wouldn't have happened if I weren't doing that shit Rio: I know you aren't meant to change your lifestyle and habits for them but it wouldn't have happened if I weren't doing that shit Buster: Fuck that, we know he's from school Buster: Being able to see you every day pre-dates anything you've done online Buster: He could've known you since primary Rio: I guess Rio: but would he be bothered if there was less out there to stalk Buster: It's not your fault, Rio Buster: It can happen to anyone, you know that Rio: it's happening to me though Buster: Not 'cause of anything you've done Buster: Come on Rio: anyway Rio: I'm gonna enjoy all these treats Buster: Good Rio: how much should I bring? Rio: when I pack Buster: As much as you want, I'll send you money for if your cases are over the weight limit Rio: don't want it to look like I'm running away too hard but Buster: You're overthinking it, you never travel light anywhere, nobody'll notice Rio: I need options Buster: I'm not mad about it and I don't care if my parents are Rio: they're going to be Rio: you'll have to go to school, be 😇 to show I'm totally not a distraction Buster: You are, but I'll still go Buster: All that matters to me is that you feel safe Rio: I will do Rio: and I'll find ways to be useful to them as well as distracting to you Buster: Winning over Ava is basically the same thing as winning them over Buster: You've had loads of practice at that Rio: kids are easy Buster: She's easier than Grace, obviously Rio: wouldn't take much on Ava's part Rio: bless Buster: She'll be distracting at any rate Rio: I can take her to school and shit, free up some time for them Buster: Yeah, and once you've had some time, we can sort out getting your assignments and shit sent over Rio: I won't miss anything important Buster: It'll be fine Buster: I'll make sure it's fine, like Rio: I know you will Buster: You gonna facetime me into this study session or what then? Rio: depends Rio: are you going to be nice? Buster: To you Rio: well you're always nice to me Buster: Are you asking me to help Nance with her homework? Rio: how much do you think she'd appreciate that? Buster: She wouldn't, so of course I'll do it Rio: I can't with you two, honestly Buster: You love me, you don't even want her to come over Rio: I'm not getting in the middle of it Buster: You already are Rio: No I'm not, shh Buster: It's okay, I know you're on my side Rio: I love you more than anyone else in the world Rio: goes without saying Buster: I still really like hearing it Rio: You know you can hear it any time you want Buster: Is she there yet? Rio: nope, you remember how long that drive takes, even in an uber Buster: I'll call you then Rio: 🥰 Buster: [does obvs] Rio: I'll just be here counting down the minutes 'til you can hold me Buster: However long it feels, you'll be staying longer Rio: promise? Buster: I swear Rio: then I'm happy Buster: If you are, I am too Rio: I haven't even asked you how your days been Rio: I'm so rude Buster: Before and after I shot down gym girl there ain't much to report Rio: what did she look like? Buster: Every other girl in this postcode Rio: Blonde and skinny Buster: Yeah Rio: vaguely equine, dresses more like a nan than nan ever would Buster: I'll have to remember all that for the next one Rio: I can tell her myself if you like Buster: If you like Rio: Me? The jealous type? Buster: The jealous type and my type Rio: I better be Rio: only type Buster: You're the only one I've ever wanted or will ever want, you definitely don't need to add that to the list of shit that's worrying you right now Rio: I just like to hear it Buster: I'll tell you again then, I want you so much Rio: even without all this bullshit Rio: it's been too long Rio: I hate every second I'm not with you Buster: I know, me too Buster: I'm not gonna say he's done me a favour, but I am glad you're coming to stay Rio: I'll say it Rio: may as well get something good from it Buster: I'd rather you didn't have to deal with any of this bullshit, obviously Rio: of course Rio: I told you, I've never thought it was you, it's okay Buster: It's not okay that I haven't been able to do fuck all about this though Buster: I'm sorry Rio: Don't Buster: It's not good enough, I know that Buster: I'm gonna do better Rio: Stop it Buster: I mean it, Rio Rio: we've done everything we can Rio: it's not fair on me or you to act like we haven't Buster: I just hate this Rio: I know, baby Buster: You're the best thing that's happened to me, this shouldn't be happening to you Rio: It really could happen to anyone Rio: it's shit Rio: but you make me feel safe, that isn't nothing Buster: I'll calm down before you get here Buster: I swear Rio: you don't have to Rio: you can be mad, I am Rio: but you don't need to blame yourself, even if it's second to him, it's all on him Buster: I am angry but you've got the wrong twin if you reckon I'm willing to make any of this about me Buster: I'm here for you Rio: Trust me, I know Rio: she seems distracted herself recently Buster: Yeah? Rio: I'll try to work it out, not had time yet Rio: she won't say anything if you're on the phone though Buster: I don't have to be, if you wanna do some investigating Rio: I know you wanna know too Buster: I know if you get her started she'll talk about herself until you've gotten all of your own bullshit exists Rio: and you're a little nosy too, you can admit it Rio: I'll get the gossip Buster: She's still my sister Buster: 'Course I wanna know if she's being stalked as well or whatever Rio: You're cute Rio: and I do not think it's that Rio: obviously Buster: You know what I mean Rio: I do Rio: that's why I wanna know too Buster: Okay, tell me when you do Rio: 🧐 Rio: wouldn't suit the hat Buster: You'd suit anything, don't lie Rio: 😊 Rio: I mean if that's your thing I'll do my best Buster: If it was that wouldn't be the first you've heard of it Rio: be mad if it was Rio: you have to tell me exactly what you like so I can be it Buster: You are Buster: And I don't have, or want to have, any secrets from you Rio: secrets are boring Rio: and hard to keep Buster: Neither of us could ever be boring Buster: And I'll do whatever it takes to keep you forever Rio: You've got me Rio: not going anywhere Buster: Only closer to where I am, not further away Buster: Soon as your mum is back and your study session is over Rio: not that I need to do this homework now Rio: just be throwing subtle hints at Nance instead Buster: Be fucking typical her if she's getting bullied there as well Rio: I'd know if she was Rio: only have the two lessons with her but contrary to what the stalker suggests, I know most people well enough that they wouldn't Buster: Well Ava'll probably get a love life before she does, Christ knows what else it could be then Rio: ugh don't Rio: it's coming up with Edie for sure Rio: Jun is like Nancy and Billie isn't bothered thank god Rio: hate it Buster: Who's bothered about Edie then? Buster: Tell me your gossip Rio: It's just like the boys she hangs with are less useless stoner and more keep your eye on them types than Billie's friends Rio: and they aren't just friends types, I don't trust 'em Buster: Maybe I should be getting on a plane instead of you Rio: at least none of them are stupid Rio: especially not Eds Rio: have to hope anyway Buster: I've taught her how to protect herself physically, I reckon she can handle lads trying to get in her head Buster: Like you said Buster: She's no stupid kid Rio: Yeah, she has all the tools and advantages she can be given Rio: 💘 and hormones still make people stupid though Buster: I remember Rio: well yeah, ignoring the fact we'd be used as prime examples in that lecture Buster: Sure we have been, never too early for mum and dad to tell Ava what not to do Rio: As if we'll have started a trend Rio: if it wasn't you it'd be a really bad idea Buster: They should want her to have this, how I feel about you, how happy I am Buster: It's not as if they can actually judge us for who it's with Buster: This family are way past that Rio: You'd think Rio: I'm way past caring Rio: it was so Rio: I wasn't me without you Buster: I feel exactly the same, you know I do Buster: The only thing I've ever done wrong was not be with you, every bad thing I did or that was done to me can be traced back to that Buster: We're free now and this stalker isn't gonna make you feel otherwise any more, I'm not letting it happen for another fucking day Rio: we can get through anything, we've got the rest stacked against us and we're still strong Rio: as long as you love me, then there's nothing anyone can say or do Buster: I really fucking love you Rio: I love you Rio: endlessly Buster: [a flight he's booked her like this is happening no matter what excuse us fam] Rio: 🙏 Rio: I cannot wait Buster: Me either Rio: you can pick me up from the airport, right? Buster: Nothing could stop me Rio: Yay 🥰🥰🥰 Buster: You need me to help you with all that luggage Rio: it will be one suitcase Rio: and a sizeable handbag, thank you 😂 Rio: but I still need you Buster: I'll be early regardless Rio: you're the best Buster: No, I do my best, you don't even have to try Rio: You don't either Rio: but I will for you and I appreciate that you do Buster: I appreciate everything that you do Rio: you will Rio: that's the plan Buster: I do, whether or not shit goes to plan Buster: You're one of the strongest people I know, the least I can do is give you the reminder Rio: Buster Rio: it won't always be this dramatic, you know Rio: being together Buster: I don't care if it is, you're worth it Buster: And I'd endure the worst suffering I can possibly imagine to be with you if any alternative meant not being Rio: now you're just being hot about it on purpose Buster: I told you I miss you, nothing's changed Rio: I miss you all the time Rio: but I'm down for all the ways you make it worse Buster: [sends her a pic from when he was at the gym earlier like okay we're testing the waters but not very much yet lol] Rio: oh Rio: yeah, I would've flirted with you too Buster: What would you have said? Rio: Hmm Rio: ask you to check my form Buster: As long as you'd have time for how thorough I'd be, I don't have any problem with that Rio: Of course Rio: I'd ask you because you're clearly an expert Buster: And there's no need for me to hold back on my expertise as you're clearly so receptive to it, not to mention deserving Rio: Don't, I want you to show me exactly how you do it Buster: Never, I wouldn't wanna leave you with more questions than answers Rio: of course, but there are some things I could show you in return for all you're going to teach me Buster: Yeah? Buster: You've got yourself a deal, babe Rio: are you going to let me come to the gym with you really Buster: If you want to Buster: I'll try not to get too distracted at the prospect Rio: you look like that, obviously I want to Buster: [a pic of how he looks now like we can also stay in this bed where I currently am chilling] Rio: 🥺🥺 GIMME Buster: You're not meant to change your behaviour or habits for that cunt, remember Buster: Say please Rio: please Rio: please let me be in that bed right now Buster: [treat that gal to some more pics boy she's had a shit day] Rio: please be with me right now Rio: in me Buster: You know that's all I want Rio: you're perfect, Buster, you know that Buster: We're perfect for each other Rio: marry me Buster: As soon as we can, I will Rio: seriously Buster: I am being serious Rio: oh Buster: Once we're both 18 nobody can stop us Rio: yeah but Rio: nobody would come Buster: I only need you to turn up Rio: technically Buster: And actually, 'cause the rest of my family won't and like you said, I'm past caring Rio: if you were going to do it Rio: you'd want the big day, the venue, the clothes, the car Rio: everything proper Buster: If you were going to do it, you'd want your family there, you can say what you really mean Rio: we can't just do all that for two people Buster: We can do whatever we want Rio: I just wish people would be happy for us Buster: I know, I haven't properly asked you yet 'cause I want everything to be perfect for you and there's fuck all I can do to give you that Rio: it'll never happen, I know that Rio: I've accepted it, it's just hard to make total peace with Buster: There was a time when I reckoned we'd never happen Rio: yeah Buster: I don't care who or how many people I have to turn my back on for you, it'll never matter as much as us being together Rio: it shouldn't have to be like this Rio: it's bullshit Buster: Yeah, but it is, and I've made my choice Buster: You know the things I'd do differently and none of 'em are about not ending up here Rio: Me too Buster: Changing their minds is as likely as us changing ours, it's an old fashioned stand off, like Rio: True Rio: it's like, they forget they're meant to be anti-us sometimes though Rio: and it's just normal, like we're any other couple Buster: Maybe when we've has as many years as my parents, it will actually be considered normal Rio: you reckon? Buster: Worked for them Rio: I guess nan and granddad are sufficiently over it Rio: had competition though, didn't they Rio: don't think that's likely to repeat itself Buster: Fingers crossed Nance is hiding a dark enough secret to take at least some of my parents' attention nevertheless Rio: in your dreams, babe Buster: Why would I dream about her downfall when I could dream about your happiness? Rio: alright 😇 Buster: We're not married yet but in regards to that, what's mine is yours, babe Buster: And vice versa Rio: you know I want it too Rio: to be married to you, and have everything we want Buster: Then I'll make it happen, exactly how you want Buster: Where there's a will there's a way, yeah? Especially when it's my will getting involved Rio: I trust that Rio: you Buster: Good 'cause you can Buster: About this and everything else Rio: then that's settled Rio: and Nance is finally here Buster: I'll still be here if you need me Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: you focus on doing everything you possibly can before I get there so you can spend as much time with me as we've got Buster: Consider it done

[blogenana]

Doctor Who - Earthshock Live Review

So I have my crisps and lemonade and im ready to continue my journey through classic who - idk why I just started live blogging it...

• People are climbing

• So they've found something- an alien I'm assuming- why do humans always tamper with things we shouldn't

• Oh they haven't found something theyre looking for people

• I hate how classic who drags on so slowly

• Sinister music

• 'probably nothing" foreshadowing...

• Okay get to the killing already

• YES FINALLY HELLO DOCTOR

• Wow I forget they must have their own rooms in the Tardis

• Lots of books in Adrics room

• "why should that interest me" ooh okay Adric getting a bit sassy

• Why's he fed up

• looool "I'm tired of being considered a joke" "why am I being constantly teased" maybe because you're annoying and you make sexist remarks?

• oh chill

• The doctor don't have time to deal with this

• aww okay Adric being jealous that Nyssa and Tegan get more attention from the doctor than him is kinda cute

• 'I give you my word' 'just as you gave your word to Tegan" okaaaaay go off (spoiler alert) ik Adric dies in this because I saw a spoiler so this is very sad foreshadowing that the doctor will break his word to Adric about making time for him- kinda sad

• I hate the celery stick

• okay Adric kick off

• Doctor can't take criticism which is interesting because the last time he was probably ever blamed for something was One with Barbara and Ian. I don't remember any companion ever criticizing him like this before

• 'Well it can wait' you'll regret that

• "I'm tired of being an outsider" this would make sense if we had seen him being an outsider before - in my opinion Tegan is the outsider as she's new and not as mathematically advanced as the others. also I would say that Adric is the closest to the doctor out of all 3 so his point isn't really valid

• I guess this is the writers way of making adrics death more tragic

• ooh Adrics theme

• I swear he was an outsider amongst his own people too

• 'the tools would go missing" why do these people never take the hint

• forgot Adric was from e space- tbh what was the doctors plan when he did demand to go home eventually- did he wanna travel with him till he died?

• "e space is another universe, there isn't a taxi service that goes back and forth"

• Romana mention!

• "im not waiting around while you plot the course to your own destruction" the doctor has never experienced a companion death before - also foreshadowing

• "you know I think since his regeneration he's become decidedly immature" this is funny also like 4 was soooo mature

• I like Adric and Five's relationship

• the actor who plays Adric has gone better

• Nyssa is the most mature out of this entire group

• "breathe deeply and relax" why is Tegan a meditation instructer out of nowhere

• the doctor didn't take much convincing

• lol the doctor bopping Tegans nose was cute

• Ooh Dinosaur bones

• let me guess - the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs was an alien spaceship or aliens killed them

• Someone screamed

• Ooh yeah she be dead

• Okay the villains look like they're wearing gimp costumes

• Reminds me of American Horror Story Murder House & the leather monster

• Aah doctor who giving a lesson on how the dinosaurs were killed. We love a show that educates

• Did I mention how much I hate the celery stick because I hate it honestly whose idea was it

• Bro chill why is this man grabbing the doctor like that what he do

• Calm the fuck down mate

• Gimp people be shooting

• Okay they may be androids but they'll always be gimp people to me

• Android vision

• CYBERMEN!!!! DAMN

• Why they gotta hit us with the plot twist like that i wasn't ready

• The Cybermen looks sad

• Hehehe the face is funny

• Gimps be strong

• Why do the Cybermen sound muffled

• I find it more creepy when they have human voices than Robots because it makes It more real that these machines have humans in them

• hHaven't seen them in some time

• I love Tegans sarcasm

• I'm cracking up at the Cybermen voice

• 1 gimp down 1 to go

• tThe gimps be dead

• 'prepare to activate the devise" dun dun DUN

• Damn the Cybermen be skinny

• I'm bored i want doctor/cybeman action

• Okay it's getting intense

• Cybermen be SHOOK

• "cyber technology is too advanced for earthlings" figure it out then mate

• He's recognised the Tardis

• THE BEST DIALOGUE "TIME LORDS, BUT THEYRE FORBIDDEN TO INTERFERE"

• THIS ONE CALLS HIMSELF THE DOCTOR, AND DOES NOTHING BUT INTERFERE

• YESS PREVIOUS DOCTORS VS CYBERMEN

• I'm geeking out

• Imma watch this bit a few times hang on

• Aah I loved that it was so cool bloody hell I'm a nerd

• The 2nd Cybermen looked shocked while he was watching

• "have you no emotions sir" classic

• "Adric do you have a moment" "I'm hungry" Okay I like him in this one he's a mood. Why is he suddenly likeable the ep he dies

• "all part of the daily routine" see what I mean

• Well your daily routine Is gonna end soon

• He doesn't wanna go home!!

• Doctor is relieved it's cute

• Ah this is sad

• It would be easier if i didn't know he was gonna die

• Cos I do like their relationship

• Okay we're being introduced to new people

• "you're beginning to bore me" the writers knew

• I'm trying really hard to concentrate I've zoned out

• Ah the doctor has got my attention "I want to announce my presence, see what the reaction is" course

• aaaand the doctor is caught and he's being accused for murder again

• Don't they have cctv just check it

• "apprehended why can't he just say caught" me in English classes

• 'even under the threat of death he has the arrogance of a time lord"

• I thought Cybermen had no emotions but this Cybermen just said he wants the doctor to suffer for their past defeats - revenge is an emotion which is v ironic

• Hh SHIT the Cybermen are walking

• lol tegan " im just a mouth and legs" she's such a mood

• The Cybermen music is cool

• The doctors face when he sees them

• Aah the soldier has betrayed them

• Why is it that whenever there's a women in charge the men who is second can't handle it and goes rogue

• iIt's such a typical trope

• The dialogue for the doctor is great

• "you know them"

• "oh yes, we go back a long way"

• Haha "I'm surprised they didn't mention me" 'well perhaps you overestimate your importance" "oh I doubt it" doctor is and will always be that bitch

• The doctor is doing doctory things

• "that's very clever" "oh it is" the doctor bragging about how clever he is starts here

• Damn tegan she just shot a Cyberman

• Flashback to "the doctor makes people into weapons"

• Finally the doctor vs Cybermen showdown

• Lol I knew they would kill the betrayer

• "our records indicate that you have a fondness for earth" (especially earth girls)

• "this time we shall succeed in destroying the earth" no you won't mate

• Ah the Cybermen coming out of plastic Wrap is a throwback to the 2nd Doctor Cybermen story

• Tegan looks like a badass with the gun

• So they're destroying the leaders of various planets before they destroy the Cybermen

• Tegan has no idea what she's doing

• I love how Five says the most savage lines with the most polite tone

• He could tear you down and look like he's complimenting you

• Tegan has been caught

• Cyberman in the Tardis is weird

• 'who is this woman' - 'no-one of consequence' - 'thanks a lot - gotta love Tegan

• Okay wow that scene between the doctor and the Cyberman about emotions gave me goose bumps what a thrilling scene

• The Cybermen has a point- he can control the doctor because he has emotions

• I'll never get tired of the debate about emotions between them because it genuinely feels like the Cyberman defend the concept of having no emotions to defend their existence

• Five looks hot when he's defending emotions

• Fuck they need to leave Adric behind

• Shit I'm getting nervous

• His theme is playing!

• The Doctor looks conflicted

• Adric leaving his hand out after the doctor let go...

• "I'll see you soon" this is the actors best performance because you can see in his eyes he knows he won't

• The Doctor has never had a companion die before so he walks away without looking back

• "it will once you start getting rusty" Tegan is funny

• Adric is plotting

• The Cybermen say they have no emotions but forcing Tegan watch her own planet getting destroyed is extremely sadistic

• Clever Adric

• The Earth looks different

• Okay so Adric's cleverness is what gets him killed because he knows he can crack the code

• The Dinosaurs! I knew it!

• Oh crap Earth is safe but Adric doesn't know that

• I think this comes down to Adric wanting the doctors attention and wanting to be the best to have his attention

• The Doctor has his pin!

• Five suffocating and shooting a Cyberman is shocking to see

• Adric whyyyyyy

• This Cyberman walking towards him is bloody persistent

• "Now I'll never know if i was right" such Adric last words

• Id like to believe he was

• Damn.

• The Doctors face. The fact that it could have been avoided if he just left the ship

• Adric is the first companion that died on the Doctor's watch

• Adric died thinking the Earth was going to be destroyed and he could have stopped it

• The credits!! his gold star! the silence! this must have been a shock to the viewers. If i didn't know beforehand through spoilers I would be going crazy

• Earthshock had it's ups and downs, the downs in regards to the pace of the plot however the story was good and the Cybermen were fantastic especially their interactions against the doctor. Tegan and Adric were great. Nyssa didn't really have much to do. Davison was amazing. I liked the writing.

• Also I liked the structural shift of the story to the cave androids to the bomb to the spaceship to dealing with The Cybermen to saving Earth and then to Adrics death

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

[antxthetxc]

What's your opinion on a significant other and depression? Like if your significant other has depression shouldn't you be there for them as much as you can? Just asking from real life questions, im not that informed in that field.

Hi! That’s a good question actually. YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A NOVEL, IM SORRY.For simplicity sake, we’ll call our example couple Jane and John. Jane, has depression. John knows this, and does all he can to make sure that Jane is comfortable, and as happy as she can be, while making sure to also remind her that he’s there for her, and that he loves her. John does this as often as he can, because it hurts his heart to see his Jane in such a state. Gradually, John seems to be trying to do more and more for Jane. This means he’s been skipping out on guys night, and even missed part of his roommate’s birthday party because he was cooking a late dinner to make sure that Jane had something to eat, but could still stay cozy in her blankets on the couch. John’s friends realize that he’s taking on a huge role in caring for Jane. Initially they try and convince him that she doesn’t need that much, and that he has to back off a bit. But he doesn’t listen, they don’t know her like he does! They don’t see how hard is it for her! Eventually, John starts to see what his friends really meant. He’s been missing hang outs, and eventually just stopped getting invited because he was always with Jane. While Jane greatly appreciated everything he was doing for her; she had not improved. But, that’s crazy! ...Right? John gave up so much for her! How could she not get any better? Well, John gave her all of his love, and catered to her as much as he could to ensure she wasn’t ever overwhelmed. Which is lovely! However, because of this, Jane came to rely on him, and depend on him for a lot. So, instead of trying to get better and do things herself again, she stayed in bed more, cleaned less, and only left her PJ’s to change into new ones. John had the best of intentions, and he left so much behind to care for her. However, it wasn’t the right care. It was too much catering, and not enough encouraging. I wrote up this story example the last time I got asked a similar question by my brother, when he found out his girlfriend had depression. His first instinct was to do as much as he possibly could for her, because he didn’t want to see her hurting. However, if he had done that, she would have possibly ended up like our Jane. Dependant, and “comfortable” in her depression. I use the term comfortable loosely, as just a broadened term for seeing less reasons to try and improve. I told him the story and explained to him what the best things he could do for her were. It was frustrating, and hard on both of them for a lot of the time at first, that’s for sure. Whenever my brother (we’ll call him Alex) would stay at her house, or vice versa, he would make sure that she (we’ll call her Lily) didn’t snooze her alarm more than three times, brought her some water and the vitamins she took in the mornings, and would help her wake up, and get out of bed. As much as it’s tempting to let them rest, and stay comfy where they feel safe, it enables them to hide there as long as they want, and not face the day or any opportunity for betterment it might present. As good as the occasional breather & rest day is, being alone with your thoughts for too long can really affect someone with depression. Some day’s he’d cook breakfast, and let her just sit at the table with her coffee and wake up. Others, he’d try and make her laugh and goof around and have her help him. Somehow, doing it together always managed to make her smile, even on the worst days. Even just a little.A lot of times, at least for me, being even just a little productive each day can help make a person feel less stressed, and can get their energy up a little so they aren’t as exhausted all day. Even if that means just picking up the laundry off the floor and putting it in the hamper for now, or taking your dirty dishes from your room to the kitchen, that’s sometimes just enough to make them feel better about having accomplished something. Lily already had regular therapy appointments, and when he could, she would let Alex would go with her so he could listen in on her thoughts, and her therapists thoughts, and if she was having a particularly bad day, he was able to speak up for her and make it easier to talk. Essentially, doing little things like that for, and more importantly WITH your partner, can help encourage them to keep pushing toward improving. Everything is easier when there’s someone cheering you on. Down days will happen, and it’s more than okay to just lay in bed and hold them and watch movies for most of the day when you just need a break from the effort. Which it is a lot of effort sometimes for people who struggle with depression to do things that may be so simple to the rest of the world. I firmly believe that it is not John’s job to carry both himself, and Jane. Like it was not Alex’s job to carry both himself and Lily.In any relationship, it’s all about supporting each other. If 90% of your time consists of taking care of your partner, you’ll end up unintentionally burning yourself out. If you do that, you’ll both be struggling, and it’ll be hard to support one another when you’re exhausted, and most of your emotions are negative. With that being said, you may have to pick up a bit of slack for them. There will be easier days, good uppity days, where you won’t have to help them as much, and you can both be “normal” and cheery and hold each other up as well as yourselves, with no extra strain on one or the other. But there will also be harder days, dark dreary days, where getting out of bed might take an extra hour or even two, and they may not be able to even get dressed the entire day. On those days, some slack may need carrying. Now, that does not mean you need to carry 100% of yourself, AND 100% of them. Say, today they can only manage to carry 40% of themselves. Well, you can still joke around and relax with them, and let them carry, maybe, 20% of you that day. So, they’re carrying 40% of themselves and 20% of you. That’s 60% out of 100%, and it’s still a mixture of you both. Not only them, not only you. In exchange, you pick up the 60% of themselves they can’t carry, while still carrying the leftover 80% of yourself. You’re now carrying 140%, which is still a mixture of both you, and them, like it should be, but that extra 40% on your shoulders is what I mean by picking up slack. And yes, there will be far more days that you have to pick up their slack as opposed to them picking up yours. Even just being at an even 100% carrying load of a perfect 50/50 split of each other will not happen as often.But notice I did hint that there would also be days that they would pick up your slack. Yes, they are the ones with depression. However if you are exhausted, and having a bad day, you don’t have to push yourself too hard just to pick up both their slack and now yours. It’s okay to let them pick up some of your extra slack if they can, and want to try to. It is also MORE than okay, to just accept that you’re both only able to carry 50% of yourselves, and can only pick up, say, 15% of the others slack that day. You don’t always have to be at a full even split, and you don’t always have to be the strong one. Like I said earlier, it’s all about supporting each other. It may be harder on the one without depression, but it is so worth it to not only watch, but help the person you love improve their mental health. It’s a big journey and a lot of responsibility. But it is more than okay to take breaks, You’re allowed to carry more of yourself than them,You don’t always have to carry all of their slack. Don’t take on more than you can handle, you won’t be able to help them or yourself much if you end up burnt out. Don’t overwhelm yourself. You’re going through the journey together, and it’s important to know how their depression affects them, since everybody’s is somewhat different. Work together, communicate, be patient. Love each other. I know that’s a lot of info at once but it’s an important topic that I feel a lot of people don’t quite understand, or tend to overlook and get frustrated with their partner for being “lazy” and “not caring about me, as much as I care about them” when it’s not all their fault. Hope that helped some 🎀