#i should probably never write again until i'm not tired. that sounds really dramatic wait

[two-person-job]

hey guys i've added to this playlist so. time for part two!

@lexisism @milk-violet @floraldresvi AND OUR NEW ADDITIONS @camvrin and @ilyuu-archive <3

have fun! :)

nahoko (i miss you) - joe hisaishi

you KNOW I have to put kavexis. it's from the wind rises!! aka the most kavexis core movie I've ever watched!!!!! ugh I love this song and its title so much. there are a bunch of songs on the soundtrack that start with "nahoko" and they all have different things in parentheses. the encounter, her destiny, a rainbow, the proposal, I miss you, an unexpected meeting, and together are all of the songs that start with nahoko. (btw. alexis = nahoko for this) I'm such a sucker for symbolism, and I ADORE what you can say about these song titles. they are about nahoko to their core. everything about them is nahoko, but each one is a different part of the feelings attached to her. and this song in particular isn't just "wistfully gazing out of a window" it is stressed because jiro (kaveh) is stressed. he's trying to get to his lover, to his fiance, because she is sick. because he wants her to be well. because he misses her. nahoko, I miss you.

transparency - small crush

with great joy, I say zagreis!! transparency is one of my favorite songs. and with the enough I know of hades lore, let me ramble: (also!! spoilers for the supergiant game Hades ahead!!)

"I never knew how hard it could be / to stop talking with your tongue between your teeth / to feel real you must say what you mean / if you wanna go somewhere" though zagreus has made it to see his mother many times before, he has been untruthful about all of his reasons to go back to the surface. whenever asked why he seems to be fighting with a renewed vigor, he simply says that he wishes to visit persephone again. and he knows that there is a chance the unfamiliar feeling he has found may simply disappear, he still decided to find out the long way. a fitting decision for a boy as stubborn as him. "quit acting so upset / it's all just in your head / that you'll end up in an empty bed / with even colder sheets" meanwhile, aléxios has not been well. they miss the mysterious man they met recently, and wonder when they shall see him again. they worry if he was hurt. if he doesn't want to see them anymore. if something else possibly happened to stop him from seeing them. and though he has never gone further into their house than the kitchen, their bed has a cold spot where another body would have been. "you are here with me / we got the whole world pinned to the sleeves of our jackets / that we wear in the fall" once more, they reunite. once more, they learn so little but so much about each other. once more, aléxios and zagreus converse at her kitchen table. and every time afterwards, they grow closer, and they grow together. they have every memory they've shared sewn into the fabric of their being. both of their lives have changed, and neither zagreus nor aléxios could be happier about that. "if life's full of feelings, then why not feel them all? / if life's full of beauty, then why not see it all? / if life's full of change, why be scared?" if they are to be together, why should they not make the most of it? zagreus only has a bit of time with his mother, and even less with aléxios; the food they prepare for him almost always being left half-eaten on his plate. but he doesn't mind, and neither do they, for time spent together is time spent together. and the moments they have are filled with beauty. they are made of love, and care, and the feeling of holding someone dear to you closely. and though zagreus changes, and though aléxios changes, they change together. and it is beautiful. "and open up your eyes / see your visions impaired by the dark / claim back your sight / see all of your thoughts come to life" when aléxios is with zagreus, they feel like she can finally be loved without any chance of consequence. they do the same for zagreus, who can't believe how much adoration was waiting for him on the surface. yes, he had all who had grown to care for him in the house of hades, but nothing like this. like the motherly care from persephone, and the unconditional love from aléxios. he is stunned. and he is happy. (sidenote: he 100% calls aléxios "my love")

sweet talk - saint motel

OLIJAX!! OLIJAX MY BELOVED!! specifically, childe pining after oliver and trying his very best for their attention. "you're probably not aware / that I'm even here / well you might not know I exist / but I don't even care!" he doesn't mind that oliver doesn't look at him, he can look at them!!! how amazing is that!!! "sweet talk / everything you say / it sounds like / sweet talk to my ears / oh you could yell / "piss off! won't you stay away?" / it'd still be / sweet talk to my ears" and then. seeing oliver isn't even the best part (it's tied for #1 tho). he gets to HEAR Oliver SPEAK. SOMETIMES TO HIM!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? WOOWOWOOWOOWOW. simply thinking about Oliver makes him feel all fuzzy inside. like wowowow. they're so. wow. !!!! maybe one day he'll go on a date with them! how spectacular would that be?

good luck, babe - chappell roan

CHAPPELL ROAN!! anyways. shroomiya :}

i think yoimiya wouldn't be that exposed to non-heterosexual relationships, so she wouldn't really realize that you could date people of the same gender. and because i'm too afraid of ruining a relationship to confess to her, she doesn't realize that what she feels for me is romantic. she assumes that we're just!! really good friends!! for so long!! and so eventually, she finds a nice man to fall in love with, but it doesn't feel right. but that's ok, you can't have a perfect life, right? and eventually, that boyfriend becomes her husband, and I, her maid of honor. the months after her marriage become years, and we're still very close, and one day, yoimiya comes to me with a problem. it's nothing her husband did, no, but more what she is doing. she doesn't know what she is doing. but she does know that she doesn't feel right in her relationship, for some reason hidden to her. she still follows her passions, he is kind to her. he loves her, she helps take care of him. and nothing was wrong with it. that's why she came to me, to ask why. and I would tell her something like "love can be uncooperative, and that's not anyone's fault. if he doesn't feel right, then it's better to do something about that then to let those feelings simmer. and remember, yoi, I will always love and be here for you." those words wander about in yoimiya's mind for months afterwards, and once more, those months turn into years. and throughout those years, we drift apart. through no fault of ours, however, simply by us both being more busy. then it all gets to her when she wakes up next to her husband, in the middle of the night, with her head in her hands, and realizes that she is no more than his wife. not to him, but to her. she doesn't feel the same amount of love for him as he does for her. and she thinks about me, all of those years ago, and she hates to say it, but i told her so.

HOT TO GO! - chappell roan

im obsessed with a couple versions of this. 1. olijax where oliver is playing music and this comes on, and ajax does the dance without even thinking (oliver didn't know he knew who chappell roan is) (there was a long conversation afterwards). 2. mizuha with mirei teaching kazuha the dance :} "like this?" "nono, your arms go straight up. yeah, like that!!" it took 7 minutes but he finally found out how to do the h. wish him luck when he realizes that he has to make a g with his arms. (he tries to make the letters by himself before following mirei's instruction) 3. me and yoimiya doing the dance BUT trying to do it while we're holding hands (it failed but it was fun). 4. scarayui where yui is like "hey scara do you want to learn the hot to go dance-" "no" (he learned it later by himself in case yui asked again)

the ENTIRE waitress musical soundtrack

PLEASEEEE I NEED KAVEH AND ALEXIS TO WATCH WAITRESS TOGETHER!! kaveh will be sobbing by the end. he will say "I love you like a table" to Alexis SO MANY TIMES. they learn to make pies together.

also!! baivi!! watching waitress together!! ougghogugh!! vi you would cry watching it. I think that baizhu would make you a pie the next day and give it a strange name and your reaction made him ever more sure he married the right woman.

but HIGH SCHOOL BAIVI?? "it only takes a taste"! ugh I love the idea of baizhu being really awkward in adolescence. he knows what to say ("if pies were books / yours would be shakespeare's letters!"), but is often too nervous to say it and often messes up. (the intro when dr. pomatter is comparing jenna to a kind waitress he used to know and jenna's like "thank you?? ig???" because he basically said "yeah she's old and a nice waitress just like you" BUT HE ONLY MEANT THE NICE WAITRESS PART and it's so odufosdhgdg) I love the thought of baizhu first reaching out to vi, and it's endearing how awkward he is. but vi loves it, because it's him trying to talk to her. "she was sweet to me, reminds me of you." / "you remind me of her, but, better." also it's DOCTOR pomatter and DOCTOR baizhu so. it's perfect.

also. honestly? I feel like baizhu has an INTENSE appreciation for musicians. he finds musical actors especially impressive, being able to move around so much and have such intense vocal requirements for each song? this makes it so instead of watching musicals he more studies them SKHFKHDF. vi asks how he's liking the musical and he goes "the vocal ranges of the actors are incredible"

scarayui "when he sees me" but it's not yui as dawn, it's scara. "I stick with real things / usually facts and figures / when information's in its place I minimize the guessing games / guess what? / "what?!" / I don't like guessing games or when I feel things / before I know the feeling" idk!! it just reminds me of scarayui!! but also, when dawn lists off things that would scare her off, it's instead scara listing off the endearing things he's found yui doing. the entire song, instead of dawn trying to convince becky + jenna why she's scared to try dating, it's scaramouche trying to convince someone that he does not, in fact, care too much about yui (lies!!).

STOP I LOVE THE SHROOMSYM WITH NEVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME OK HEAR ME OUT!! so. the character singing this. oklahoma/ogie for short. he was never really taught how to love someone as a child, seen well in the lines "my only friend was a stray kitty / called sardine!" ogie does not know how to love like most people, but he tries his best for dawn!! which brings me to sym!! who is both alien and artificial intelligence. naturally, he does not know most of how the people he interacts with work, besides from what he's learned from our media. this could cause him to be both good with words and terrible at talking. just like how curtis from the studio ghibli movie "porco rosso" was exaggerated, because he was based off of hollywood films, I believe, sym would be. uh. slightly off at times. he'd definitely try his best to interact with people, he'd try his best. (canonly he is quite skilled with words, but I think it is also canon that he learned most about people from media so. this is what I've taken from that.) I adore the thought of sym saying something really out of pocket and me going "sym. what do you mean by that." and him responding with something like "I've seen that phrase frequently used by humans in movies, is it not as popular outside of them?" UGH I love him.

but to elaborate. sym is like "it's ok, i'll never leave you! you'll never be able to escape me, don't worry" and he means to be reassuring but some media that has a "i'll never leave you" scene/line is similar to never ever getting rid of me. in the sense of ogie is being strange in this song. like you can't deny that he is being kinda wacky. but he has good intentions!! "gonna do this right / show you that i'm not lettin go / i love you means you're never ever gettin rid of me / "when you say never?" / ohhh, you could try / ohh but i / i love you means you're never ever ever gettin rid of me!" that's strange but he's trying his best and his best is not that great sometimes. but that's ok because i love sym he's so everything to me :) <3

(unrelated but "you will still be mine" makes me sob my eyes out every time. ough. he had his six string and i had my own thing though he can't remember what it is. he wrote me love songs yeah i liked that sad one so he sang it all the time. what was that one line somethin bout sunshine he sang it every nightt. SJHFJKHD IM GONNA CRY)

a guy that i'd kinda be into - stephanie hsu + 'be more chill' ensemble + be more chill

KAVEXIS PANTALOVI OLIJAX HIGHSCHOOL AU DONT EVEN TALK T OMEEE ODUODGUUGOGUGHG

so!! SOO!!! soooooo!! here are the different things i've thought of.

kavexis: kaveh is very smart, but how I view him in high school aus is that he's trying his best, but not doing too great socially. he's just not good with talking to people yet ok!! and Alexis, a more popular/well known student has known him since 7th grade, and they are at the very least friendly with each other. every time that kaveh sees Alexis pass by, he's filled with.. desire. desire to be close to her, desire to be more than just a friendly acquaintance, desire to be more to her. and so he tries his best to be just that. he makes an effort to become her friend, much to some jealous others disdain, and it works! meanwhile, Alexis starts to find herself seeing kaveh as more than just the guy she's known since middle school. more than someone she's friendly with. more than just kaveh. but most importantly, she finds that kaveh has become, or maybe always was, just the kind of guy she'd be into.

mehrak as the squip (I know nothing about be more chill but this sounds right BAHAHAH)

pantalovi: OGUOSDGUDIGHDG. pantalone, stuck-up and self-adsorbed. vi doesn't care much for him, and this seems to be exactly why he started to care about her. vi tried to ignore his attempts at talking to her, but eventually, she decides to humor him. and then something changes. vi was sure that nothing would come of her finally responding to him, but she was wrong. she thought that she already figured him out, but soon realized she never really knew him that well. he's gone from a guy that she'd never possibly think about, to the one constantly on her mind.

olijax: no this is The guy that i'd kinda be into selfship. like.. yeah oli has known ajax for a while blah blah they're nothing special together. partners on a few projects (he's mesmerized every time they talk to him), passing each other in a few hallways (he takes the long route to see them), but nothing more (he wants everything more). but one school year ends, another starts. everything is the same, everything is the same, except for ajax. he's definitely changed. oliver can't tell if only they noticed, or if there even was anything to notice, but they still do. but there is one thing that oliver is certain of: the change, whatever it is, is not unwelcome.

all I need - small crush

"how could i ever stray away / from your kiss / and at the end of the day / you're the one i really do miss" ough.. this fits everyone tbh i really like small crush. but the ones this makes me think of the most is zagreis, baivi, and kind of olijax (not those lines in particular but more the rest of the song).

meet the plastics - I'm not listing off all of these names so. mean girls musical.

"myy name is regiiiina georgeee...... and i am a massivveeee dealllllll" i love you meet the plastics. also idk i think it'd be fun as like alexis as regina with her smart loser boyfriend kaveh. and then mirei as karen but not because of like the ditsy girl thing but because karen's actor needs a powerful voice and honestly her songs are a lot of fun to listen to. and and uh can i be gretchen :} and oli you are. you are. janice. mirei you're also cady btw. you're both karen and cady. yui if you want you can be karen when cady is also in the scene. and vi. you're that one scene between cady and aaron where he asks what the date is and it becomes cady's new favorite day. grool.

if only / if only (reprise) - stray gods soundtrack

:( UGH shroomsym where I become a gardener (sym is a gardener but not in the. he has a garden sense. but in exocolonist, they are a group that i believe are immortal? and are more connected with vertumna, the planet exo takes place on :) but it's NOT what I expected in the slightest and feel as if I ruined my life. all of my friends, all of my memories, would eventually be replaced by only sym + the other gardeners and only vertumna. which, I suppose, is ok for a bit, but what about afterwards? what about when i've seen all of the wonders of vertumna and done everything there is to do? that's scary. "within me there will always be / something left behind in shadow / I'm tethered to you, I'm free / I've known i've loved you / before we were grown / never alone" but that's ok. everything changes, and things will forever get more interesting. what's the harm of a bit more time with my favorite gardener while we wait?

also.. baivi stray gods au could be a lot of fun.. maybe angsty tho i'll have to decide which romance route baizhu would be like.

the rest of the mean girls soundtrack

mirei going "hey kazuha let's watch mean girls together!" and kazuha agreeing and then getting his life CHANGED (he really likes musicals now).

mirei I ADORE all of karen's songs. "sexy" is so much fun it's so <3 !! ough. "if I could change the world I'd make it Halloween! every single day! and also have world peace!" mirei as a ditsy girl who's actually really in control of herself just likes the role. my beloved.

mirei as cady is also a lot of fun. going back to what I said for the mean girls roles, i wasn't joking, mirei you COULD be cady.

i love the idea of Alexis having the same amount of power as Regina George and then having Kaveh as her boyfriend. he's some nerd who's constantly singing her praises, and she loves him. if Alexis wants to watch the world burn, kaveh will bring her the gasoline :)

percy jackson musical soundtrack

um the obvious answer is modern au zagrius of zag + aléxios watching it together because. greek mythos yk. zagreus would be VERY upset at how it's not actually greek mythos, it's simply using the figures to create a new story set in a modern era. but aléxios probably doesn't mind as much and so he calms down :)

idk why but I just. really like the idea of mirei and kazuha watching musicals together. kazuha: "I don't care for musicals" mirei: "let's test that theory" (if this feels wrong then just swap the names hdkfsdkj)

("'I was walking in the strawberry fields with charlie beckendorf! / and we were holding hands! / and then i kissed him and he started growing sunflowers everywhere' / look, kid! / i hate to be the one to tell ya! / but i think that charlie beckendorf was also holding hands with a NYMPH! / that doesn't wanna wish you well / to tell you the truth? / the best thign is to BREAK UP WITH THE GUY / 'but he loves me!' / HE LOVES YOU NOT! NEXT!" idk how accurate that is but i dont want to look up the lyrics. ugh i love that stupid song. another terrible day.. stuck with these runts in the muck and mud.. george salazar you are perfect)

mayonaka no door / stay with me - miki matsubara

i finally looked up the lyrics to this, it's about finding familiarity with someone and never forgetting the important things they do for you. you know what I have to say to that. baivi. just that statement in itself, I feel, is very representative of baivi. loving each other, and keeping it that way.

songs from the "boo, bitch" tv show soundtrack (paraphernalia by temples, medicine by dayglow, dead girl! (shake my head) by au/ra, AMERICAN GURL by kilo kish)

im going to sob. my favorite tv show. my beloved. I NEED to watch this with yoimiya. :(( ugh ok maybe it's really predictable maybe it's not good. but MAYBE it changed my life. maybe i've watched it five times. maybe it took me until my 4th time to realize that one of the characters put his friends faces over the actors on a fast and furious poster. ugh i love you boo bitch </3

sweetest - small crush

putting this as shroomsym because me adding this song to this playlist was a very personal choice. "you are the sweetest thing / you make my phone ring" i almost always have do not disturb on, and the settings make it so only a few people can actually make my phone vibrate when they text me. the line you make my phone ring means a lot to me in the sense of if you make my phone ring, it means i really love you. "every time i talk to you / feels like i am falling / more and more each day" every time i talk to him he finds a new way for me to fall in love. a new thing about him that makes him even more endearing. some things repeat every time i see him, some things are consistent, but he is ever-changing. "walking down the street / I saw you and you saw me / something just feels right / an unbreakable light / is shining on my face" sym only appears if you look for him. sym only appears if you want him to. i want him to. and so he does. i saw him after he saw me. "didn't know i could feel this way / didn't know i could feel this way / didn't know i could feel this way" didn't know i could feel this way.

assigning songs from my latest romance playlist to mine and my friends' selfships :}

@lexisism @milk-violet @floraldresvi

it got a lot longer than I thought. so. have fun! <3

best friend - laufey

kavexis or verali. definitely an alexis selfship. the parts that are more about how you're best friends reminds me of kavexis, but the parts that are lovingly insulting feels more reminiscent of verali

magnolia - laufey

this song is about yoimiya. or it's mizuha and it's kazuha thinking about mirei. a lot of this song feels more like poetry than lyrics?? which leads me to say that kazuha would hear it whenever he sees mirei.

death, thrice drawn - the scary jokes

baivi? verali? I can't really place this one. but. when I think selfships with lots of pining, baivi and verali come to mind!!

jeanine - the scary jokes

kavexis angst where both alexis and kaveh are feeling overwhelmed and end up kinda neglecting each other. with the line "love is just a name for you to call me by", this song talks about how though they are still acting in love, the feelings are starting to fade. it also goes into someone being emotionally absent, and not being vulnerable enough for the other. both people are stuck in a space between "I can't find time to talk to them" and "they can't find time to talk to them", and lots of conflicting "it's my fault/I shouldn't be to blame here" thoughts. one of the last lines is "just like the smote cedars in the yard, I have fallen so hard for you" which shows that yes, they are in love. yes, they adore their s/o. but. it's not a love that is gentle anymore, it's hard to live with and difficult to manage. very "I love you, but at what cost?"

starstruck - the scary jokes

this song has a permanent spot in my shroomsym playlist for a myriad of reasons!!!! firstly. sylvia is being depicted as a figure who shows enough to be admired, but never enough to be known. that's sym for a while!! and the entire song is just someone gushing and wondering about her.

no leverage / no pleasure - the scary jokes

scarayui because of the "I just can't have a normal heart" line and all that's added onto that. with all the scaramouche lore I know very little about, I believe this fits his character? loving, despite it being against his nature? but since yui isn't on tumblr anymore. this is actually really hard wait. this could lead off of the kavexis angst from "jeanine"?? i'll go with that dfjdjdfk

crushed out on soda beach - the scary jokes

shroomiya angst because. the first lines "I tried just burning the whole thing down today / but decisiveness is such a foreign tenant to my psyche" represents someone trying to break up with their partner, but being too indecisive to do so. later on in the song, it goes "you called my bluff / I love you too much / would you please stay with me? / cause after all is said and done / I want you here, stay with me!" this song is representative of wanting the end of the bad parts of a relationship, but not the good parts. it's about wanting the relationship you used to have, wanting to go back to when everything was normal and better than normal because it was beautiful. "I could hardly stand under the weight of my little crush on you" shows how much yearning can take a toll on someone.

bets against the void - the scary jokes

baivi angst this time. "these days your light beam penetrate / the sorrowed skin that i've been living in". baizhu's condition is getting worse, but vi and everyone else's love and care for him motivates him to try to be everything he could be. "but still I wait for piercing pain / i'll feel when your feelings fade / I feel so good today" he knows that all of the good he feels now is temporary. when vi's gone, or busy, or tired, or sick herself, he feels worse. but how is he supposed to push that onto her? when they both feel so good today, isn't that all that can really matter? "the sun is just a copper coin / I flip in bets against the void / imitating choice / 'til I feel good again / i'll keep them in a tin can / then i'll have copper coins to spend" baizhu's trying to find optimism in vi, in qiqi, in everyone who comes to bubu pharmacy, and he is, he really is, but it's getting difficult to find much more meaning in that optimism. he has all of the little memories from people he's known and loved and cared for, but he doesn't have much to do with them. "will you remember me / when our spirits scatter off?" will you remember him, when he can't remember you? when he isn't there? when he can't be everything you deserve? when he loses all he was? "I know I'm an artist / 'cause I just can't stand the thought / that a love as beautiful as ours / could be forgotten" he knows you'll never forget. and that's just why he wants you too. he wants you to be able to move on a live a life as amazing as it always was. but he also knows that you won't be able to do that. so he will make sure you remember your love as beautiful, and make sure to pass it on to everyone you continue to meet.

anata no koibito ni naritai - choo kyuu mei

MIZUHA!!!!! "koi ni ochite iru" THAT DAY I FELL IN LOVE! "kocchi wo mite yo!" LOOK THIS WAY! "choco yori amai! ondo de tokeru!" SWEETER THAN CHOCOLATE, YOUR WARMTH MAKES ME MELT! ik the translation is rough but!!!! KOI NI OCHITE IRU!!!! THAT DAY I FELL IN LOVE!!! KOIBITO NI NARITAI! I WANT TO BE YOUR PARTNER! I want to make a mizuha animatic of you two falling in love.. and being in love.. and that day you fell in love!

also dreszhu. though I know little about it, I like the idea of baizhu seeing dresvi and going "OMG SHES SO BEAUTIFUL" before regaining his composure lol

what will you leave behind (end titles) - max LL and maude plante-husaruk

spiritfarer is everything to me. BUT this song feels like shroomsym and baivi!! for shroomsym, sym is immortal. there is a way to become immortal with him! this song is about loss, about moving on, about grief, and about getting over it and learning how to lovingly remember instead of feeling constant grief. immortality comes with watching the death of all your favorite people, but the last line "but it's ok, we'll be together my friend" would be how sym would be there through it all.

with baivi though!!! baivi is the sort of couple that goes through and sees everything. they grow old together, watch friends come and go, watch relationships blossom and deteriorate, see the landscape around them shift and change, and learn every little thing they can, and more. they guide each other through every difficulty, every problem they may ever have. and they make their own world, out of love and beauty and patches of everyone and everything in their lives. baivi is a couple that grows old together.

hikouki gumo - yumi arai

kavexis. alexis gets to see all of kaveh's dreams up close, everything he wants and everything he does to reach those wants. hikouki gumo is the ending song of "the wind rises", about an aeronautical engineer (I think?) who falls in love with a woman with tuberculosis. though he stays with her as much as possible, she doesn't survive. however, they get to love in the most beautiful ways possible. they love in paper airplanes, they love in carefully-chosen gifts, they love in dropping everything to see each other, they love in spite of everything that encourages them not to. they love no matter what may happen. that's kavexis to me, passion and dreams and unconditional love. kaveh would do anything for alexis, and all she wants is for him to love her. "i've loved you since the wind brought you to me" is my favorite quote from that movie, and I think it suits kavexis :}

itsudemo dare ka ga - shang shang typhoon

sunvi? this is the ending song of "pom poko", and is playing during a lot of friends reuniting. I feel like sunvi is about never truly being apart, only in different places. this song talks about never forgetting the name of the people who loved you. sunvi is about remembering. remembering favorites and dislikes, anniversaries and birthdays, names and relations. everything that matters, and everything that doesn't. because if it's connected to someone you love, is anything really insignificant?

le temps des cerises - cora vaucaire

this is a song that plays in "porco rosso"! the woman that sings it in in love with the main character, though he feels as if he will never be good enough for anything. he has too much guilt about his past mistakes, and doesn't want anything bad to befall someone he cares about, so he stops caring. but she persists, and I think that's very reminiscent of a possible mizuha or pantalovi au. for mizuha, kazuha feels as if he isn't stable enough for relationships. also everything that happened with tomo, he doesn't want that to happen to mirei. but she doesn't care. all she cares for is kazuha, and that's what matters to her. slowly, she teaches kazuha that she loves him with all the risks he may see in being close to someone. as long as they get to be together, she'll be happy, and so will he. pantalovi has something similar, with how pantalone is in the fatui and all. how could that end up in safety for vi? how could he make sure she'd be ok? by not involving himself with her, is his first thought. but similar to mirei, vi is persistent! she will love freely! and he will have to learn to accept that. and he does, because he loves her. pantalone will make sure NOTHING bad ever happens to vi, who appreciates the sentiment, but once again similar to mirei, won't mind what happens as long as she is with him.

socks - out of luck

MY FAVORITE SONG FOR SHROOMIYA!!!! "what's up? how you been? / I wanna be so much more than friends!" lots of realizing you're in love and wanting to confess and not being good at telling someone you love them but trying anyways!! wanting to be with someone forever and never being forgotten and sharing things that only you and them know! yoimiya reminds me of giggling into pillows at a sleepover, and that's what this song also feels like!! failed confessions and flustered glances!!

i do adore - mindy gledhill

baivi. vi is so deeply in love with baizhu that him just asking her about her day makes her a blushing mess!!! they're different in so many ways, but not in a way that sparks argument, in a way of someone who's always cold has someone who's always warm!! they compliment each other in such a personal way, it feels as if they were made for each other!! no matter how many times vi fails at telling baizhu how she feels, or how much he means to her, he understands. he is able to tell by the absolute adoration radiating off of her, that all her words are laced with love.

sakura kiss - chieko kawabe

i put the ohshc intro on here because of who this playlist is about jhsdjh. but also mizuha kavexis and shroomiya are all couples who would shout these lyrics at a sleepover turned karaoke night. KISS KISS FALL IN LOVE!

pretty girl - clairo

high school au baivi, kavexis, and shroomiya. helpless girls + kaveh who'd do anything for their favorite person.

for baivi, vi would see him in the halls, and it'd start off as just a little hallway crush. but she'd find herself constantly looking for him, trying to find out what he likes, what he doesn't, who he's close with, who he isn't. she's writing him little love notes to stick in his locker, and though she's been found doing this by a multitude of people, none have told baizhu!! she thinks. one day, one day, she'll find the courage to tell him how she feels. (and one day, one day, baizhu will find the courage to strike up a conversation with you) this could also work with sunvi + pantalovi but I think it's cuter with baivi <3

for kavexis this song fills my brain with the image of kaveh in fluffy pajamas and looking at his phone, which has a message from alexis that says something like "thank you!!" and he's blushing because SHE saw worth in HIM and thinks that HE was worth not one, but TWO. WHOLE. EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! they might as well have gotten married already!!! kaveh is so hopeless and in love with Alexis, and thinks that she's so out of his league!! but she thinks the same about him. so they're both stuck in the pining stage with a VERY annoyed alhaitham.

for shroomiya. I would do anything for her!! I'll make her snacks!! this is affection in the form of simple acts of love that are filled with adoration, mistakes made to make someone laugh, and endearing habits belonging to someone you love. I could be her pretty girl!!!

kool - meet me @ the altar

honestly? kavexis. both of them think that the other is so cool! that the other should look in the mirror and think about how beautiful they are! both are such daydreamers, and could spend the entire day just thinking about the other. but they'd much prefer being with them, thinking about them is a good temporary substitute. pining and doesn't know the other feels just like them!!

cat serenade - beetlebug

MIZUHA MIZUHA MIZUHA MIZUHA!!!!! "I've never been the kind to fall in love / it's just me and a couple of fleas and that's all I want" HE NEVER WANTED TO STAY IN JUST ONE PLACE BUT IF IT MEANS ANOTHER DAY WITH YOU HED STAY A CENTURY! kazuha slowly realizes again what it's like to find a home not in a place but in a person, and finds himself imagining all the places he'll go with mirei. he'd go fishing with mirei. go to liyue with beidou and mirei. search for flowers for mirei. everything has mirei added on, and honestly? he doesn't mind. he could use a couple more years of his life, if it means those years will be with you.

honey jet coaster - nasuo and route BLUE - yuki nakashima and kawaii dake ja nai - nasuo

shikimori intro and outro. and the shikimori-themed song. that means baivi. highschool au baivi again where everything with vi or baizhu apart of it is beautiful! everything has to be about the other, and if it's not, then they'll find a way to make it!! every single thing baizhu does is endearing. every bite of food vi takes baizhu finds himself smiling at. ik I compare you to shikimori a lot vi but I think it would be reversed? like. yes ur like shikimori. but for the Cool Person/sweetie who's madly in love with the Cool Person dynamic of shikimori and izumi, baizhu would be the shikimori. while baizhu is always making sure that vi is ok, that she doesn't accidentally hurt herself, that she isn't overworking herself, she's making sure that he doesn't have to worry!! vi's doing everything she can to take care of herself so baizhu doesn't have to constantly worry himself over her, but he still does. and whenever vi tries to bring up possibly being a nuisance to him, he shuts it down before she can get the full sentence out. he worries because he loves her. he worries because she matters to him. he couldn't imagine a world without her, and doesn't want to.

every little thing - cybergirlfriend

shroomiya and mizuha. mirei would GUSH about everything kazuha does!! his handwriting, the way his voice gets softer when he talks directly to her, the way he looks at her with a warm smile after grabbing her hand.. anything and everything she can think of!! and I'm never going to have an empty mind when yoimiya's around. it's always full of thoughts of her!!! <33

biri-biri - yoasobi

i can't say yoasobi without also saying mirei. which is why this is another mizuha song. she's waiting!! she's hoping!! she's anticipating what kazuha will say, do, and everything else about him!!! when will she see him again? what will he say next? where is he right now? when will he hold her hand again? she's always wondering!! and he always has the answer, and it's always "whenever and whatever you want".

shake & shake - sumia

this is the intro to a really weird anime that me and someone else are watching together so I put it on the playlist. anyways this is shroomiya. we'd watch the anime together and laugh at how weird and i'd teach her the choreography in the intro <3

chicken noodle - small crush

kavexis? verali? for kavexis, kaveh is the mess. nothing goes right for him, except for alexis. she's the right in his world of wrongs. when he falls in the mud, she picks him back up and cleans him up. when he loses something, she spends hours helping him find it. he's a mess, but you're the best.

for verali it's swapped. I love you alexis but from what I know of verali you'd be the mess <3 she struggles with falling asleep on time, and he texts her at exactly 10:30pm to go to bed without being prompted to do so. he brushes her hair when she forgets to. he always makes sure that her working space is clean. whenever alexis asks him why, he tells her that he's just doing the bare minimum.

signal dreams - small crush

shroomsym!! "i would rather be living in a dream / if that's the only way I could get close to you" anything for you! everything for you! dedicating your days to someone who doesn't know that you think of them the amount that you do! doing things for someone that they'll never know of! picturing yourself with someone you think will never look your way again!!! he's a dream, and i'm doing fine asleep.

freshman year - small crush

sunvi. vi getting her view on everything skewed. she's having to get used to a new life, a new place, new people and nothing she can do to make the scenario more comfortable. but sunday can do something. so he does, and makes her feel as welcome as he can. he makes sure that she is loved properly, and cared for in the way she needs to be. "but I wish I knew then what I know now" if only she always knew how much sunday would do for her. (he'd do anything)

rumblin tummy - small crush

i swear I didn't plan for it to end like this but. tbh. this fits with everyone.

shroomiya: similar feelings to socks!! i'd never waste a day if it's spent with you! <3 no emotions are useless, no words are meaningless, because they're for her. everything is about her. everything is for her.

baivi: days upon days upon weeks months years and lifetimes spent with each other. spent sighing and dreaming and falling in love too many times to count, and then falling in love again!!! finding new ways to say I love you every day, and new ways to reciprocate.

kavexis: kavexis actually really feels like a couple who has a lot of accidental synchronization!! complimenting outfits, texting each other at the same time, confessions piling over each other because you were both so adamant that the other spoke first.

mizuha: making sure that the other is always cared for. during any absence, any reason for not being together, they are both always secure and excited to see each other again. and they always do, they always, always reunite.

shroomsym: I'm never ever going to be free from him, and honestly, I don't mind. I'd waste all my time finding him, talking to him, and thinking about him while I'm not with him.

sunvi: making space for each other, making time for each other, anything to accommodate to your beloved. because that's what you are to each other. everything you do, is in honor of them. sunvi feels like the type of couple to always be intertwined with each other, when you see sunday, vi is not too far behind. when you see vi, sunday was just making his way over with a bag of food and a kiss for the crown of vi's head.

verali: though he may deny it at times, veritas lives for all of alexis' mannerisms. everything she does fills him with love. everything she says makes him so, so happy. he'd really love it if he were able to just be with her for the rest of his life.

pantalovi: he always makes sure that vi is taken care of, because that is always the top priority. vi is everything to him, and he's everything to her. how could either of them be any less? when all of their spare time is spent on the other, how could there ever be any doubts that their love is less than unconditional and absolute?

[xpeachesncream]

perfectly wrong | one

summary: there were rules that had to be followed: no one could know about you two, there was no ‘getting to know each other,’ and there was absolutely no emotional attachment allowed. if this could be done, there should be no complications. but somehow, the rules always get bended.

pairing: reader x fuckboy!kth

genre: college au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 2301

chapter warnings: cussing, mature language, very slight angst, some hints of jealousy, alcohol consumption

notes: pls remember that this is set a few months after you and tae have been going at it, so it will seem like things are happening a bit fast. i’m not trying to prolong this series. also most importantly, i tend to usually write shorter chapters > shorter, but more chapters published. enjoy!

> series masterlist <

Jungkook decided he was going to see if he could jump over your couch and land perfectly in a seated position.

"Wait, wait, wait. Absolute silence everybody." He says as he's stretched over, trying to estimate the timing and height of his jump. He had always been super athletic and competitive since you two were small, so there was really no changing his mind on this. He always had to prove something, even if that meant creating his own competition of jumping over the couch.

"It's just me and you." You watched him from the kitchen, making sure the pizza in the oven was baking properly.

"I have an audience, okay? Don't be rude, Y/N." He says as he points over to the fake audience clapping and laughing during a 'Friends' episode.

"Whatever, as long as you don't go breaking my shit, Jeon Jungkook." He was 22, but his mentality was 8. That was for damn sure.

"Siiiiiiilence." He says at a whisper, his eyes shut as he puts a finger to his mouth. He lets out a huff and a puff before he gets the courage to throw himself over the couch and land a perfect landing. "And once again, he sticks the landing!" He stands up with his hands up in the air.

"You're annoying." You laughed, getting paper plates ready for the pizza that was about to be done because you were in no mood to do any dishes tonight.

"Thank you! I'll be here again tomorrow, same time." He calls out to his fake audience.

"No the hell you're not."

"Ouch, nevermind. Someone apparently doesn't want me here." You laugh at how dramatic he is. At this point, you just let him be because that was something you always loved about your bestfriend. He embraced the kid in him and always brought good times. You had similarities, but you also had some major differences. You liked being in your comfort zone & you were labeled the innocent nerd amongst your friends. You just like to consider yourself simple, though. A 'take it day by day' kind of person. Kookie was fun, adventurous and childish at times. He was also shy, but loud at the same time? An introverted extrovert, you could say.

But you loved each other nonetheless, that's why you've clicked so well since you were young. You taught each other things & grew together.

"Here, fool." You placed the pizza in front of him with the paper plates.

"Set it up, I'll grab us the drinks. You want anything in particular?"

"That bottle of Stella Rosa, please." JK knew you loved that Stella Rosa, so he happily grabs the bottle and two wine glasses. He plops back next to you on the couch, pouring your glasses and grabbing a heaping serving of 4 slices of pizza.

You both decided you want a good laugh, so you throw on Kevin Hart's newest installment: Zero Fucks Given. It isn't long before you both are rolling on the floor, almost gasping for air at how much you're laughing at Kevin Hart's stand up. The pizza is gone, the wine is gone, and you're still feeling pretty tipsy. The whole thing sounds nice, until your head starts to wonder what Taehyung is doing and if he'll text you to come over tonight. You know he probably already has plans with another chick though, and that hits you.

Curse this fucking alcohol.

Let's get this straight - the only time you 'talk' is when he's trying to fuck.

And yes bitch, you let him do this to you. You're out that door before you can even fully slip your shoes on. Dick is just that good. It's something about Taehyung that makes you addicted. The way he gives you a stupid ass smirk when he opens his door, the way he touches your skin and gently lays his shit on you until you both become really invested in the moment. So invested that shit hits the roof. It gets messy. It gets rough. It becomes unspeakable.

You aren't friends. No one knows about you two, or that you even know the other exists. You don't know shit about each other. The only thing you know is that he's fucking other girls. He has a whole roster, you'd imagine - a starting five, at least.

He doesn't care about you, and for the most part, you don't either. At least, that's what you like to portray because it's been some months now since this whole thing started and you can't help but feel some kind of emotional tie to him. You're leaving your house between 12-2am in the morning and sleeping in his bed until 6-7am. It's a routine; a routine you've become used to. You skip out on some late night kick-its with your friends cause you anticipate a text to come through from him.

But, he doesn't care. You aren't the only female slipping into those sheets, and boy does it fucking make it hard to swallow. Reality hits hard when you think about it and you feel this huge pit in your stomach. You try to be different, you try to stand out one way or another. But it doesn't work that way. You knew what this entailed going into it, so it makes zero sense as to why you're hurting and getting jealous from time to time.

You know it still doesn't matter to him.

He's only fucking you over cause you let him. You know damn well you're not gonna change and let this go, though. You love thrill of it too much. It's the most thrill your life has had. You're not perfect and you're only human. You make mistakes, but this one definitely puts the cherry on top. Because not only do you refuse to learn, but you let it repeat itself over and over again.

"Aishhhh, my stomach hurts from laughing too much." Jungkook laid his head back and patted his belly. "But that was good though. I needed that."

"Yeah it was. Thanks for coming by to watch that with me, Kook." He tilts his head over to look at you and smiles.

"Sure thing." He checks his phone and sits up. "Yoongi is blowing up the group chat." You check your phone to see multiple unread messages from none other than Min Yoongi himself.

[yoongi] 10:37pm: aye

[yoongi] 10:45pm: all of a sudden, everyone is ghost in this group chat?! you all had a lot to say not too long ago.

[yoongi] 10:52pm: even though you guys are fake as fuck, does anyone wanna come with me to the bars tonight? meet at my place so we can head out.

You and Jungkook laughed at how butthurt Yoongi was in the groupchat. Yoongi definitely was the most serious and blunt one in your group, but he still liked to party and have a good time. It was just how he was. Hoseok was always full of energy and probably the most extroverted one out of all 4 of you. He was never shy. You and Jungkook met Yoongi and Hoseok your first year in college and became inseparable ever since. You all just click with your different attributes.

[jungkook] 10:53pm: lmaoooooooo

[yoongi] 10:53pm: fuck you dude lol

[jungkook] 10:54pm: i'll come through in a sec, i'm at y/n's right now. not sure if she's gonna come though?

[y/n] 10:55pm: i'll pass, i'm tired and wined out.

[hoseok] 10:55pm: ahahahah yoongi shut up, blowing up my phone for no reason. i'm passing on tonight too. im tired from working that overtime *cries*

[yoongi] 10:56pm: you both are boring. i'm especially offended at how i didn't get an invite to your little powwow, y/n. and now you don't wanna hang out?

[hoseok] 10:57pm: she mentioned she was going to watch kevin hart's thing yesterday and offered us to swing by if we wanted to though....... selective hearing, maybe?

[y/n] 10:58pm: ^ okayyyyy and that's on period! thank you hobi <3

[hoseok] 10:59pm: anything for the baby

[yoongi] 10:59pm: lmao you're a brat, y/n. whatever, i'm still hurt by you both! kook, hurry on over so we can drink

"Fuck I regret this, I'm gonna die." Jungkook laughed as he stood up and stretched. He quickly helped you clean up before he figured it was time to go or else Yoongi would have a fit.

"I feel like it has to do with that one girl he's been talking to on and off."

"Perhaps." Jungkook shrugged before putting on his shoes. "We shall see." he sighs before giving you a tight hug. "You sure you don't wanna come out?"

"Nope."

"You don't even have plans tonight."

"Yes I do."

"Doing what?"

"Laying in bed." Jungkook snorted as you shook your head and shrugged. What else did he think you were trying to do? He should know you by now, at the very least.

"Alright, I'm not even going to argue. I'm off."

"Be safe, have fun, text me if you both need anything, okay?" He nods as he shuts the door, leaving you to your lonesome. You swirled the teeny tiny drop of wine leftover in your glass around before picking up your phone.

No new texts. Well, let's be specific: no new texts from taehyung.

You did forget to respond to your oldest cousin though, when he was just trying to check up on you.

[seokjin] 8:35pm: pssst y/n

[seokjin] 8:35pm: psssssssssst

[seokjin] 8:35pm: oyyyyyyyyyy

He was damn near 30 years old and hated talking on the phone so much that he decides to blow up your phone this way. But, he was the cousin you loved dearly and you had a very tight, sibling-like relationship with him. He was like the older brother you've always wanted. He watched you grow, protected you, kept you safe, supported you and cheered you on - especially when your family talked so much shit about how you and him weren't gonna get anywhere with your goals. You know, the fucking stupid ol' saying of 'chasing your passion isn't going to bring you money & wealth.' Your family was all about the titles and money, but Jin was passionate about cooking and wanted to open his own cafe. You, on the other hand, wanted to pursue your art. Jin was the biggest role model for you because he was the first to defy your family's wants and wishes. He was the black sheep of the family with a huge 'I don't give a fuck' mentality and he taught you that along the way.

Don't ever be afraid to do what you're passionate about. Fuck 'em.

[y/n] 11:13pm: hi sorry, jungkook was over and we were watching kevin hart's new thing on netflix over some wine and pizza.

[seokjin] 11:15pm: that sounds fun! sorry, i just wanted to check on you but i see you're doing okay lol

[y/n] 11:16pm: i am. :) i'll hang out with you tomorrow

[seokjin] 11:16pm: how sweet, my freeloading baby cousin is coming by

[y/n] 11:17pm: hahahah shut up! although you're not wrong, i am going to steal some food. but most importantly, i do want to hang out and see my bestest oppa <3

[seokjin] 11:18pm: awww y/n, you're so full of shit <3

[seokjin] 11:18pm: go to bed

[y/n] 11:19pm: haha love you tooooo

And so, that's what you did. You got yourself all ready for bed, believing you wouldn't be leaving your house tonight. You pampered yourself, put on a face mask and got yourself all lathered up in lotion just to lay down. You're in Jungkook's shirt that he left behind (and never looked for, so technically it's yours now) when the guys had stayed the night and some Vicky Secret panties.

You're scrolling through your Instagram feed, seeing Jungkook's newly posted story with him and Yoongi already at the bars, acting a damn fool. You laughed at the video he took of Yoongi trying to dance in a tight, awkward space on the crowded dance floor even though he was never the best at dancing. It lowkey made you wish you went out with them so you wouldn't be stuck here thinking about your feelings and how lonely these hours get.

And then you see Jimin's story from an hour ago. He knew you were friends with Yoongi, and although Yoongi wasn't fond of their group too much, he was still an avid party-goer and mingled with people there. You've only spoken to Jimin once because you had to work with him in the same group on a class assignment. You tried to keep it that way though because he was Taehyung's bestfriend. They went everywhere together, did everything together. He, too, was very popular among the ladies and across campus. I guess it was just their thing.

You assume they were at a party cause Jimin quickly flashes the camera at Taehyung, who's in front of him getting a lapdance from some chick. Jimin quickly turns the camera back to his face as he's laughing uncontrollably then abruptly cuts it off.

Great.

She's forsure going home with him tonight.

You set your phone down on the night stand and put on a show on your laptop to help you fall asleep.

Just as you're about to get some shut eye, your phone vibrates. You let it slip at first because you thought it could be one of the guys playing around, but it vibrates again, signaling another text coming through. You pick up your phone just to make sure Yoongi and Jungkook aren't in any trouble and need you to bail their asses out.

[taehyung] 12:17am: hey

[taehyung] 12:20am: come over.

You scoff at how he assumes you're still up and that you'd be coming over. You hated that. He knew he just had your ass.

track two: hit different - sza & ty dolla $ign

[nancywheelxr]

i'm not sure if you prefer more specific prompts but if you have any interest, something canon-era (compliant or divergence) in the realm of "ye baiyi & every- or anyone"? whichever characters you wanna include; a moment or moments where he feels like maybe there is a little more to the rest of his life than duty and death. it's not only warm food he's been starved of for decades. your writing is great, i hope you're having a good day!

hi! thank you sm! i love getting prompts regardless, honestly, the only difference is that more specific ones tend to get done faster if only bc I already have a loose idea where to go with it! anyway, this somehow turned into a fix-it. that being said, I hope you’re having a lovely day too!

*

i.

They’re so painfully young.

A bird chirps in a tree somewhere nearby and around the fire, Qin Huaizhang’s disciple throws the blanket on the Wen brat’s face. What set off his sensibilities this time, Ye Baiyi doesn’t know, it might have been the perceived coddling, it might have simply been the fussing– either way, it’s pointless. Does he not know the brat will simply wait until he’s asleep to cover him? Does he not know their ridiculous dance around each other is nothing but time wasted?

How do the young ever get anything done?

Foolish. Have they ever been that foolish? Changqing, he knows, was a most ridiculous man with even more ridiculous ideas– who’s the bigger idiot, then, the fool or the one who loves him? 

“Ye-qianbei,” the boy appears at his side, wide-eyed like a newborn deer and with legs as shaky as one too, “if you’re cold, we have more blankets.”

The absurdity of the situation– to ask Ye Baiyi if he’s cold! What’s the night chill compared to the snowy grounds of his mountain? To him, is this not warm weather? “Little fool,” he says, shaking his head even as he laughs, “you’d do better worrying about your idiot master and his idiot friend.”

The kid looks across the fire, grimaces. “I don’t dare, I don’t dare! My brothers used to tell me not to get in the way when my parents were arguing!”

What a ridiculous child. Ye Baiyi laughs again. “They’re not arguing, they’re being dumb. Watch this,” he flicks a little rock at them, hitting Qin Huaizhang’s disciple in the forehead and earning an outraged glare from the Wen brat. “Qing Huaizhang’s disciple, your disciple is freezing off while you’re fooling around. Is this how you the two of you are going to raise your child?”

Beside him, the kid makes a startled little noise like a scared little rabbit before launching into a stuttering denial, but it’s too late, Qin Huaizhang’s disciple has already turned to focus on him as if smelling blood. “Chengling, are you cold? Why didn’t you say so?”

“Ah, no, no, I’m really not,” he tries, but he is, he wouldn’t have known to worry about others if he hadn’t been feeling the chill himself. “Ye-qianbei! Ye-qianbei–”

“Ah, ah!” Wen Kexing interrupts, shaking a finger in his direction, “why are you calling him? Come here, have this blanket since your Shifu is being stubborn.”

The boy goes obediently, shuffling around and nearly tripping on the log, and allows the Wen brat to wrap the blanket around his shoulders. Predictably, once he’s tucked in, the kid beams, pulling it tightly around himself. 

“Chengling, if you’re cold, you have to tell us,” says Qin Huaizhang’s disciple as if that’s a scolding, as if he’s not fussing over the child himself, stoking the fire and throwing in more kindling. 

A silly child with even sillier parents. Ye Baiyi snorts, shaking his head, and for a fleeting moment, he imagines walking this path alone– searching for the truth on his own, a silent forest stretching all the way to Longyuan Cabinet, only his footsteps left behind to prove he was even there at all– whatever. Picking up Qin Huaizhang’s dumb disciple and his dumb companions might not have been his worst decision so far. 

Maybe he could have found the place already if he were on his own, but at the very least they’re entertaining. Ridiculous, he thinks fondly, shaking his head at the blanket the kid has left folded at his feet.

*

ii.

What a mess.

Rong Xuan, you little brat, he thinks. How long has it been since the boy had first toddled up to him, little hands grabbing fistfuls of his robes? Too many, an eternity, and now nearly all of the boy’s friends are dead, all but one, and Ye Baiyi has to pay his respects to this freshly dug grave in his place. 

What a mess.

If you were in trouble, why didn’t you come back? Questions, questions, it’s too easy to ask them now. Why didn’t you ask for help? Why didn’t you send for us? Why did you think it would accomplish, running away? Stupid child, did you think we would turn you away? 

No, there’s no use asking them now, no point in dwelling in the past. What is there to change, after it already happened? Life is a very long road and the past is a land too distant to travel back to; Ye Baiyi would rather focus on the now.

Avenging their child had not been part of the promise he made to Changqing, but Ye Baiyi found the truth of this matter as he told him he would and the truth of it is that someone poisoned his disciple, his child. This cannot go unpunished, so for a while longer, he’ll live.

Further still, a little ways down, is Wen Kexing, whose parents died for Rong Xuan’s mistakes. A child growing up in a harsh world on his own. This debt, he’ll repay too.

For all that he gives his promises away like currency, Ye Baiyi is not sure how he feels about the piling of them– they stretch his finally numbered days, always pushing the deadline further. After the Heroes Conference, he’ll be done with the Ghost Valley. After he finds Rong Xuan’s murderer, he’ll be done with this mess. After he repays Wen Kexing, he will be at peace. 

And then–

Well. And then wine. Warm food. That was the plan, was it not? Heavens, he’s beginning to sound like Qin Huaizhang’s silly disciple, isn’t he? This won’t do. Changqing, even you would laugh at them. Tell me, then, if you were here, what would you do? Ah, something nonsensical, most likely, like go watch the plum trees bloom.

Ye Baiyi shakes his head, laughs. Changqing ah, won’t you tell me what to do? Maybe this time I’ll listen to you.

*

iii.

What kind of nonsense is this?

In all fairness, as much as his opinion of Wen Kexing has been as changing as the seasons, his uncanny ability to be an annoying nuisance has never flickered. He was annoying when he was staring down Ye Baiyi’s sword and he was annoying when he kneeled on the forest bed in apology and plea. 

Surely, it’s no surprise that he is annoying now, allegedly dead.

And yet, Ye Baiyi had not anticipated this level of stupidity from him: the brat did not tell Qin Huaizhang’s disciple of his plan.

Children, honestly. 

Now, the hem of his robes is wet and a few feet away, Qin Huaizhang’s disciple is wasting perfectly good wine in an unnecessarily dramatic manner. “Whatever stupid thing you’re planning,” Ye Baiyi says, eyeing the broken jar by the rocks, the dullness around the brat, “don’t.”

Zhou Zishu whirls on him with all the grace of a dying wet cat as if he’s in any condition to be fighting anyone, as if his hands weren’t shaking and his steps didn’t falter. The sword, once elegant and proud, wavers. Stupid boy. “Ye Baiyi, you–”

“Have you lost your manners down that jar? Or just your common sense? Put that away before I knock it off your hand myself,” he sighs, shaking his head. He should have stayed in his rooms, like planned, until the Heroes Conference; none of this has anything to do with him, his role in this play is mostly over, he just has to wait it out the intermission. And yet. “What kind of nonsense were you thinking? That fool, Wen Kexing, ran around for days like a headless chicken trying to save you and for what? You to throw it away?”

“What’s the point?” Qin Huaizhang’s disciple laughs, cold as the mountains, “what’s the point if he’s not here? Tell me, qianbei, why should I care to live if my soulmate is gone?”

His sword is dragging up the mud and Ye Baiyi wants to call him disrespectful for it, but the sight of it alone dredges up a well of grief that drowns the words in his throat. Why, indeed. This terrible emptiness, Ye Baiyi knows well– the hollow silence that comes where once a familiar voice called your name, the cold where once there was warmth, a hand never reaching back. Snow, all through summer and spring.

“Because that dumb disciple of yours will not last a day on his own,” he tells him, watching the water run towards the cliff’s edge, “because Qin Huaizhang has only you to pass on his legacy. Because that ridiculous hairpin on your head.”

“That’s not fair,” Qin Huaizhang’s disciple says, sounding exactly like he had been about to do something incredibly stupid earlier that would render this entire charade pointless from the start.

Truth be told, few things are, least of all, fate. Ah, but Ye Baiyi had unchanging decades to come to terms with that, perhaps he should spare the boy the heartache, unfounded as it is. “It’s not, but enough is enough. What are you crying for? Did you think it’s that easy to get rid of that pest? He should be ashamed if a little tumble is all it took.”

“Qianbei… you mean?”

Ye Baiyi heaves a pointedly tired sigh. “Yes, yes, the brat is alive. Probably holed up somewhere in that blasted valley of his.”

Qin Huaizhang’s disciple is as wide-eyed as his baby-deer disciple and if he actually starts crying, Ye Baiyi will drag Wen Kexing out of hiding kicking and screaming just to push him down the cliff again for making him witness this. He’s too old, he has little patience for the dramatics of the young, and he’s supposed to be drinking the best wine from the Yueyang area. 

So before he’s pulled even further into their nonsense, Ye Baiyi turns away, back to town and his quarters where he can drink and meditate in peace and really, Qin-xiaozi, your disciple is even sillier than you. 

At his back, he hears Zhou Zishu call, but his voice is lost to the waterfalls and Ye Baiyi makes no real effort to catch the words. What’s there to say? Pah, he’s already done more than his share on this, at no point did he promise to intervene on their pointless little dance. Once this is all over, that brat has better pay for all the wine in the land. And make those dumplings, too, for good measure.

*

iv.

Nobody told him whose wedding this is.

Considering they are in this thrice-damned place, he’s assuming it’s one of the ghosts, but Ye Baiyi figures the brat would be more annoying if it was his and Qin Huaizhang’s disciple’s. Then again, his own presence here is unfathomable, as is the insistence with which the little idiot had asked him to come. What on earth has Qin Huaizhang’s disciple told that child? Give someone an inch and they’ll take a mile, truly– now that boy is running around thinking Ye Baiyi cares about these lunatics.

“Who let him in!” Wen Kexing is screeching from somewhere, and Ye Baiyi mourns his peace as the brat approaches with his purple shadow trailing after. Had she been there this entire time? He squints. No, he would have noticed it, she’s very loud. “Old toad monster! Why are you still here? Who allowed you past the gates?”

“Who are you to tell me where to go?” He scoffs, flicking his sleeves as he crosses his arms. Nearby, a ghost hastily scurries away. “And it was your dumb disciple who begged me to be here. For what? Will there even be a banquet? And you call that decorations? That lantern is so crooked, it’s offensive!”

The purple child bristles. “Ah! And who does that silly boy think he is, inviting people to my wedding! Old man, you! Of course there’s gonna be food! Master and Luo-yi have been–”

“A-Xiang!” The brat cuts her off, closed fan tapping her forehead, as if everyone and their grandmothers don’t already know he’s been running around making preparations. What face is there to save, shameless as he is? If Ye Baiyi was a lesser man, he might have rolled his eyes. “Stop running your mouth, what is your husband going to say? And you! What crooked lantern? You’re going blind in your age!”

Still, even as he speaks, a pointed glare sends the ghosts scattering like mice, rushing to check on the decorations. Ridiculous. “No wonder the girl has no manners. What, you only know how to be polite when asking for something?”

Wen Kexing grumbles. “This one apologizes, qianbei.”

Well, that’s certainly worse. Unsettling. If even Wen Kexing starts being deferential, then what has the world come to? No, Ye Baiyi finds he’d prefer the brashness. Stupid child, what’s the point in changing his tune now? Pah. “Girl,” he says to that purple wisp of a thing, “your master is a pest. Where’s the wine?”

Baffling enough, the girl laughs, tugging at her master’s sleeves. “Master, master, Zishu-ge was right! You did make a friend!”

“What nonsense is this! Don’t you know when A-Xu is teasing? Friends! As if–”

“What rubbish have you been filling these children’s heads with?” He shakes a threatening finger in their direction. Not that it matters, considering the girl has already stepped back, giggling as she sidesteps Wen Kexing’s fan. 

Leaving them to their childishness, Ye Baiyi slips out of the crowd, picking a jar of wine as he goes. The alcohol is good, burning down his throat, and he hadn’t thought he’d step foot in the Ghost Valley, not like this. Something in him will always recoil at this place, always lay the blame at the valley’s mouth, a yawning jaw that’s swallowed whole the people most precious to him with no mercy. 

And yet, Changqing ah, you bastard, look at it. They’re holding a damned wedding, and here Ye Baiyi is, drinking their wine. Are you happy now? Did you become a bodhisattva yet? Fate makes fools of them all, there’s no way around it. He pours the wine over the rocks, lets it spill and run like blood. Xuan’er, did I not tell you not to climb so high? That shifu wouldn’t always be there to catch you if you slip on the ice? Ye Baiyi laughs at the memory– always clear in his mind, suspended in time, unfading, even if his sight blurs with tears– that boy, always scaring them half to death, climbing up the frozen mountainside as a child, then crying in fright once he looked down. 

“Look at the mess you’ve both left me,” he says out loud, downing the rest of the wine, and the silence is never quite as loud as in the hollow space where another would speak. For so long, Ye Baiyi knew to leave room for Changqing’s teasing, for their child’s incessant questions, even Rong-furen’s tired voice. Then, nothing. “What do you have to say for yourself, hm? Typical. I’ll drink for all of us this time, then, how about it? Changqing, I’m keeping my promises, so you’d better keep yours or I’ll–” 

The jar breaks where it falls from his fingers and he shakes his head as if dispelling the murky thoughts from his head. Perhaps, coming here was a mistake. The ashes have already been sent back to Changming, so what business does he have in this place? To see it closed with his own eyes? Besides, a wedding or two, a handful of people, are not worth the bloodshed creating the valley has brought, no matter what Changqing might say. 

Is this a comforting story to be told later, if– by the bridge, in case– 

His thoughts grind to a halt, veering off suddenly into attention to his surroundings. Someone is coming. Indeed, from his place near the entrance, Ye Baiyi can see in the distance a mob climbing up the path, silent as thieves in the night, with only a blue streak of disciples in plain sight at the front.

So much for avoiding bloodshed. Did they even wait for the dust to settle after the monks left town? And what kind of harebrained scheme is this? Has this generation been born with no brains? Such a reckless, petty move! No honor, agreeing to something and then plunging the knife behind their backs. 

There is little time to curse their dishonesty, though, with their numbers fast approaching, so Ye Baiyi swipes a last look at the desolate landscape and slips back inside to sound the alarms. After all, heaven knows that little purple girl will be terribly loud if she doesn’t get her wedding, and Ye Baiyi is not looking forward to remembering what headaches feel like. Honestly, if these people would stop nearly dying for five fucking minutes–

*

v.

Today, the mirror showed a new patch of white hair, faint lines at the corner of his eyes. 

Time, it seems, is catching up to him.

It’s exhilarating.

The plum trees have already lost their blossoms, winter gone as swiftly as it came, the cold melting to the lingering warmth of spring. Today, he walks past blooming azaleas, purple and red radiant against the blue backdrop of the sky.

It brings him to little Qin Huaizhang standing beside Rong Xuan, trying so very hard to impress his friend’s seniors with all the desperation of youth. The poetry he had waxed about his sect’s gardens– Four Seasons Manor, blooming all year round! Ye Baiyi had found him so silly, blabbering while Rong Xuan beamed, so quick to pick the fights Rong Xuan dropped. 

At the time, had he not thought history was repeating itself, if kinder? The Baiyi sword, gifted with the promise to keep his dumb disciple out of trouble? He still remembers Changqing’s face, the hypocrite. So exchanging swords for cursed books is fine, but anything else and you draw the line? At least promises were as reliable as the person making them. 

Now, he has to admit, the silly boy had not been wrong– Four Seasons Manor stands in more color than Ye Baiyi had thought possible. If he’ll have time to witness all its blooms, he doesn’t know, but this spring, he’s here, and isn’t that enough?

At the gates, the young disciple lets him in without a word, bowing respectfully like his seniors have never done. Good. At the very least, those two good-for-nothing brats had the decency to forewarn their juniors of his arrival. How long has it been since Qin Huaizhang’s disciple woke up from the procedure? Aiyah, Ye Baiyi can’t remember, he had been traveling south at the time. 

Well, it’s long enough to be past the need for coddling, that’s for sure. “Qin Huaizhang’s disciple, what kind of Sect Leader are you that you won’t come greet your esteemed guest?”

“Not really a Sect Leader,” comes the voice from his left as Zhou Zishu rounds into view, his silly disciple trailing faithfully after him. He looks better now, death no longer draped over his shoulders like a shroud, smiling like he found peace somewhere in the months since that disastrous wedding. “Qianbei, this one is honored to welcome you to our house. You’ve come at a good time, A-Xiang is visiting with her husband too.”

“Who’s an esteemed guest here? All I’m hearing is a bunch of freeloaders!” says Wen Kexing from somewhere inside the building, just as loud and brash as always, and following his words, the thundering footsteps of children. 

Ye Baiyi snorts, shakes his head. Changqing ah, wait a little while longer, will you? I’m on my way, but I have some places to visit first. Meet me by the bridge, I’ll tell you all about it in a bit.

[1rosex]

BTS Reaction to you confessing your crush on them

Request: I loved the angsty writing, can we pls get some fluff now of the members reactions to you confessing your crush on them?😭 Ty

A/N oops i got carried away

Masterlist

Jin

You were waiting for Jin to come out of practice, standing outside on the phone with a friend of yours. Today was the day you'd invited Jin to accompany you to the fair, your best friend, but also your longest crush. Jin came out of the building to meet you as you spoke to your friend over the phone. You failed to notice his presence.

"Yeah, I do like Jin. I know, I know I have to tell him. I will eventually! I hope.." You told your friend that Jin would be out soon and hung up the phone. You turned around to see Jin, his eyes wide. Your mouth fell open, but you were unable to say anything to save yourself.

"Ah! You ruined my plans Y/N!" He said dramatically as he turned away, his face red. You didn't know what he meant by that, but he didn't sound angry.

"Wait.. What?" You asked in confusion, wondering if confessing was the wrong idea.

"I was going to tell I liked you today!" Jin confessed, his face turning an even brighter shade of red as he made his usual yell of frustration mixed with nervous laughter. You couldn't help the smile from appearing on your face.

"Wait.. You.. You like me?" You didn't mean to sound like an excited little kid but you couldn't help it. Jin turned to you, unable to supress the own happiness on his face.

"Yes, Y/N. Ive liked you for a long time now. And I would have told you on top of the ferris wheel or somewhere romantic if I hadn't overheard you." He sighed.

"Well, I didn't ask you to eavesdrop." You joked. Jin shook his head.

"Well, now we can turn the fair into a date hm?"

Namjoon

You were listening to Namjoon rant about how his crush at the cafe kept ignoring him, he sounded upset. You nodded, listening intently but feeling your own heart hurt to see your biggest crush talking about someone else who showed no interest in him. What Namjoon needed though, was something to help him realize that the person he should be chasing after is you.

"And then! I thought it was all going well, and suddenly she turns around and flat out ignores me. She just left! Without a word!" Namjoon threw his hands up in the air, looking very confused. You couldn't help but laugh a little at his cute frustrated expression.

"Dont laugh!"

"Im sorry Joon. She just doesnt seem interested.. I mean, if I was your girlfriend-" You froze when you realized what you had just said. Namjoon was pulled out of his own thoughts, his eyes fixating on you.

".. If you were my girlfriend?" He repeated, his voice soft. You wanted to deny you ever said that, but the hope that had appeared in his eyes urged you to continue.

".. I.. I would be happy to be talked to. I wouldn't ignore you." You said, daring to keep eye contact. Namjoon's lips were suddenly changing into a smile, his dimples appearing on the side of his cheeks. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying- I’m saying I like you. And I wish I was the one you had a crush on.”

"You don't know how long I've hoped you'd say something like that."

Yoongi

In hindsight, playing Truth or Dare with your best friend Yoongi was probably not the best idea. You were both all worn out of dares, you'd already had him sing a whole serenade and send it to the group chat and he had you hide a fake rubber snake in Hoseok's dorm. The poor sunshine. Now, you'd moved on to truths.

"Okay Y/N, your truth." Yoongi tapped his chin and looked at you knowingly. How could he possibly think of anything? Yoongi knew you better than anyone.

"Who's your crush?" He asked, a question that got you off guard.

"Wait.. My crush? Yoongi, thats ridiculous. No way I'd have a crush and not tell you.." You laughed nervously.

"Hey now, play fair. You're lying to me Y/N." Yoongi had a smile on his face that was making you very suspicious. He was your crush. Why was he acting this way? Maybe he knew about it.. Maybe he’d found out. But how did he find out? However he did, you could see that he knew something was up and he wasn't letting you get away that easy.

"I'm.. Im not lying.."

"False. I heard you talking to your friend last night about a certain guy, and I want to know who."

"Why were you listening to our conversation?"

"Uh.. Not the point.."

You took a deep breath and looked at him. You needed to confess eventually.

"Fine. I do have a crush. My crush.. My crush is.." You were having trouble spitting it out. You were so afraid of ruining this friendship, but you knew you felt more for him. He sat there, patiently waiting for his answer. You couldn't anymore, you loved those eyes and everything else about him. "You dammit, I like you."

It was silent, and Yoongi's expression was impossible to read. You began to doubt yourself.

"Truth or dare, Y/N." He asked, breaking the silence. You looked at him in confusion, wondering if he'd even heard you. "What..? Dare I guess.."

"I dare you to kiss me."

J-Hope

You never intended to fall in love with your best friend. But with his lovable personality and his selflessness, how could you not? He was the best person you'd ever met. You were out at a restaurant with Hoseok, acting as you usually did. Despite being just friends, you were both a very touchy and playful pair. The waitress smiled at you two as she set the menus down.

"Oh, you two are so cute together. There's a discount for couples today, I'll be back to take your order." She smiled.

"Oh we're not-"

"No we aren't-" You both started talking over each other, your faces red as you denied the accusation. The lady just laughed and apologized before leaving you two alone to look. You glanced over at Hoseok, he looked really nervous all of a sudden. Was it really that bad of an idea to him? Discouraged, you grabbed your menu and kept your gaze down.

"Wouldn't we make a cute couple though?" Hoseok suddenly said. You blinked in surprise and looked up at him.

"What.. Hoseok dont play with me like that." You frowned, thinking he was joking. But Hoseok just looked up at you with a serious look in his eyes, waiting for an anwer. You swallowed and looked back down.

".. Yeah, I think we would." You said, barely audible. Hoseok grinned, you hated that smile. That smile that meant he knew exactly what you were thinking, and he knew how to tease you till he got the truth out. He knew about your crush, you were sure of it.

"Do you like me, Y/N?" He asked, straight to the point.

You hesitated, keeping your eyes glued to the menu until he reached over and grabbed it from your hands. You slowly looked up at him. "I do Hoseok. I like you." The whole restaurant seemed to hush, you were afraid Hoseok could hear your heart about to pound out of your chest. But then you felt his arm around you, and his face leaning closer to yours.

"Then I guess we do get that couple discount, hm?"

Jimin

You'd spent the whole day hanging out with Jimin, but now you were walking home and your time to say goodbye was nearing. Jimin gave you his goodbye and turned to leave as you called after him. "Bye Jimin, I love you!" You immediately froze in place. Had you just told your best friend you loved him? Oh, fuck. You didn't dare look back as you started to leave, hearing pure silence from Jimin for what felt like a long time.

".. What?" He eventually called out after you. You laughed nervously, then did the only thing you could think of. You took off sprinting towards your house. You heard footsteps behind you and Jimin calling your name, but you were running in blind panic. Suddenly you felt two arms around you and you yelled as he tackled you and you both rolled over onto the grass. You sat up, turning around to see Jimin struggling to stabilize himself after the fall.

" Wait! Sorry I didnt mean to tackle you- but that's not my point!" He said in a rush, looking dizzy. "Why did you run Y/N? What.. What kind of love?"

You sat there in the grass, trying to catch your breath while staring into Jimin's expectant eyes. "The kind of love that's not just between friends.." You finally admitted. You looked away, starting to get up. Jimin's hand was suddenly on your own, and you turned in surprise to see him smiling up at you.

"Then maybe we don't have to be just friends."

Taehyung

You had been friends with Taehyung for a long time before you even realized you had feelings for him. At first you tried to keep them secret, but lately you couldn't contain them anymore. The way he smiled at you, his laugh when you said something funny, those moments he brushed up on you. You wanted more. One day, you two were laying down watching movies and you couldn't resist anymore. You were both tired from staying up so long, your drowsiness was clouding your judgment. You looked over at Taehyung, with his stupid, cute little tired eyes, and his stupid, perfect face. It almost made you angry how strong your feelings for him were.

"I love you." You blurted out. Your heart skipped a beat, everything seemed to freeze as you realized what you just said.

Taehyung despite being tired, snapped to attention and turned to look at you.

"You what?" He asked, the television illuminating his innocent brown eyes. You couldn't bring yourself to say it again. Regretting it, you promptly rolled over and pretended to be asleep to avoid his questions. You knew he probably wouldn't buy it, but you couldn't bring yourself to turn back and face him. It was quiet for a while, the only sound was the faint voices coming from the television. Suddenly you felt one of Taehyung's arms drape over your side, his head pressing into the small of your back.

"I love you too Y/N."

Jungkook

You were sitting across from your best friend Jungkook, both of you absent mindedly scrolling through your phones. This is how you hung out most of the time. As you were scrolling, you found a video that made you laugh. It was one of those, "send this to your crush with no context" kind of videos. Jungkook arched an eyebrow and looked up at you. "You know the rules." He said. The rule, well the rule was basically that you had to send any video you found funny to the other person so they could enjoy it too. Your face went red, Jungkook was your crush.

"But.. Jungkook I can't do it with this-"

"Y/nnnn" Jungkook whined. You gulped. After a moment of staring at him, you sent him the video. You slammed your phone down, regretting your decision as you looked away. Jungkook watched the video with a completely blank expression, and as it came to and end he looked up you with an expression you hadn't seen in his eyes before.

"So do you mean it?" Junkook asked.

"Mean what?"

"The video."

"What video?"

"The one you just sent-"

"I didn't send anything." You lied quickly, and Jungkook stood up and leaned over the table at you with a smile.

"Y/N! Stop! Do you like me?" He asked, straight forward. You had no idea where his confidence was coming from, and frankly neither did he. You swallowed nervously and nodded silently. It was Jungkook's turn to be flustered now as he sunk back in his seat, trying to control his expression

"Does that mean.. we’re like.. d-dating?”

[tea-and-toblerones]

Unison Chapter 10- I'm Forced to Deal With What I Feel

This chapter was inspired heavily by the River music video. That tells you how long I’ve been working on it. After three complete rewrites this is what I got.

Car Radio- Twenty One Pilots

"So, tell me about your week. Did anything exciting happen?"

My fingers interlaced, my arms resting on my thighs as I stared down at the pale carpet. I could hear Linda shift in her chair, her pen jotting down a couple notes. It was insane all that you could hear when everything was completely silent. The soft rustle of her hand brushing against the page, the way the chair squeaked with the slightest movements. The normal sounds of the city bleeding into the room. The air whistling through my nose. Did anything exciting happen? Where should I begin?  

"Uh, yeah, a lot actually. Er- let's see..." My head fell back as I thought, finally deciding to start at the beginning, "Adi showed up Thursday a bit off. I didn't realise just how bad off she was until She ended up having a full on breakdown in the middle of my suite. It broke my heart, seeing her that out of sorts. I put her in the bath since I remember her saying it could fix anything and I didn't know what else to really do."

I saw her scribble something on her pad, "Did it fix it?"

"I don't know if it fixed it but she kinda zoned out and shared a bit as I washed her back." I could see her sitting cross legged in the tub, cup of tea clutched between her hands that not ten minutes before were trembling. That far off distant look in her eyes as she cobbled together bits from her past. "The more she told me the easier it seemed to be for her."

She nodded as she wrote, finally looking up, "What did she tell you?"

"About her ex" I swallowed hard, realising I couldn't use his name, like if it was spoken aloud he'd suddenly appear. What a stupid thought, "How they met, became friends, became more, then left. How when I slipped back into bad habits, it reminded her of him."

I had replayed that moment over in my head quite a lot over the past couple of days. How I had somewhat regretted remaining silent about it but it was better than the truth. I felt let down, to be honest. She had built it up as this whole dramatic thing and it boiled down to he broke up with her. Either there's something I'm missing or I'm just being an insensitive prat because I just don't see how that warrants this reaction. It's no surprise that she picked up on that and she really hit the nail on the head when she called me out on it. Nothing really gets past her. What I hadn't realised was how transparent, no how callous I had been about it  My gut was telling me that I was missing something. Something important, something big. Right now I was fumbling around in the dark, trying to pick objects out by light of a firefly and it was getting me nowhere.

Linda must have picked up on that note. "You don't seem satisfied with it."

"There has to be a piece I'm missing. Something she left out. I understand he was a big part of her life for years and all that but..." I let out a deep sigh, "Is it bad that I almost said is that all when she told me? Thank god my brain kicked in and stopped me but...I was waiting for more of the story, some big aha moment where everything suddenly made since but I didn't get it. I knew if I would have asked, is that all, she'd think I was belittling her when I was just waiting for more pieces of the puzzle."

"Did she tell you that's the reason she won't open up or are you assuming that's the reason?"

I stared blankly at her as she waited for my response. I wracked my brain, trying to remember if she had said he was the reason. I could faintly hear her voice say I'm worried I'm going to open up and you're going to leave. I assumed it was him, more so when she told me of his sudden departure but she never outright pinned the blame on him. The more I thought, the more I believed that it might not have been just him. She painted the picture of sweet, caring, almost naive person, yet I saw a fear in her eyes when my anger had gotten the best of me. There's no way the person she described could instile that into her.

"I assumed, but the more I think about it, I don't think it's just him. He didn't help things but I think it's something else. It's part of the piece I'm missing, I'm sure." My hand gripped my knee tightly in frustration. I felt pretty helpless at the moment.

"Don't take it personally, Ed. It's not a wall to keep you out, it's a wall to keep her safe. Just give her some time and she'll let you in. Pushing her is only going to re enforce it. Think of it this way, when she lets you in, it's not because she needs to, it'll be because she wants to."

"I know, it's just...it's hard..." Yet another one of my sigh filled the air, "I want her to know that I'm not just going to vanish or leave without warning. Which is why I thought showing her that I rented an apartment would be a good thing. I wasn't expecting it to lead to a fight. I thought she was going to put an end to everything."

"You fought? What about?" She hand moving back into writing position.

"A misunderstanding." I said with a shrug, not knowing what else to call it.

"Ah. You two seem to have quite a lot of those."

"I wasn't me this time." My finger coming up as I defended myself, " She was the one that jumped to conclusions this time." I clear my throat in preparation for the story, "Friday I signed the lease to a new apartment. Since I'm going to be here for a bit, that was the cheaper way to go."

She nodded, "I understand, continue."

"I brought Adi along so I could show her and tell her the news. I meant to Thursday but with what happened, focusing on her was more important. So, instead I thought I'd show her the place, then go, surprise, this is my new place. I thought she would be excited. Like I said, I thought this would show her that I was here to stay for a while. That this was real not just a fling.  The suite had a temporary feel to it, y'know? I could up and leave in a moments notice without a trace, which I think was always in the back of her head. An apartment is much more permanent. I thought it would help put her abandonment fears to rest.  Well, it didn't go exactly to plan, Janet, the realtor, made the comments about young couples getting their first apartment and handed her the other key. So she thought I was asking her to move in with me and it freaked her out a bit. She lead with ' we need to talk' then I assumed she was breaking up with me, got a little irritated about how she was doing it, the classic, 'it's not you it's me' line. Luckily she got head of it and clarified that she just wanted to slow things down not break up. "

"Were you?" She asked once her hand had stopped.

I lift my head up, "Was I what?"

"Were you planning on asking her to move in?" I feel my eyebrow raise, "Honestly?" I ask softly, my eyes dropping to my fingers that were pulling on my sleeves.

"That's preferable." A smile flicking across her face

"She did have a big part in my choosing that particular apartment. As soon as I walked in I could see us...there. I could see the two of us  in the kitchen, laughing as we cooked together, guiding her through the steps. Her hips swaying to the music that was playing as she stirred. I could see us together on the couch watching tv together, wrapped in a blanket. I could see her sitting on the balcony, cup of coffee in hand as she watched the sunrise. I could see us, I could see our life in that apartment and I knew this was the one." I could feel the smile coming across my face as those images flashed in my minds eye again. Having a proper home with someone seemed like such a simple and almost innocent dream but it was one of my biggest ones. While, I had a home back in Suffolk, I hardly stayed there. I was never in one place long enough for it to really feel like home. Not to mention I built it with family in mind and without that, it felt empty, almost bittersweet. Now that I had the freedom to stay in one place, even if it was only for a couple months, I wanted to fully embrace it.

"You keep saying I see us and I see her. You never once said you saw yourself  there and never answered my question. Does that mean you was planning on asking her but changed your mind due to her aversion?"

She brought up a good point. Could I see myself, just myself there? Or was I so wrapped up in what could be? Living in a fantasy land. Did I love that apartment because it reminded me of her or did I love the space itself? As for the moving in bit...I was known for jumping the gun a bit. I am, and probably will always be, A hopeless romantic. I hope life never hardens me to the point that I'm not. However, this was the first time I had the privilege of being able to ease into things. I had no where I had to be. No touring, no interviews, no promos. Free to do whatever I wanted. I had time to build up a relationship. This had been what I had been telling myself but since when does feelings follow logic?

"No, I wasn't. I'd love for her to live there with me someday but she's right, it's too soon. I did give her a key though, in hopes that she would feel more welcomed and stay more. " My eyes drop back to the floor, "She never just drops by, like maybe she's afraid of wearing out her welcome or spending too much time with me. It makes me wonder if she thinks we'll tire of each other if we're together all the time."

Just another dark thought that had made itself a nice home in the back of my mind. She made it seem like her and Mike were always together. As much as I hate to admit it, I was slightly jealous. For me, being able to spend an extended amount of time with anyone outside my team is rare since I'm always on the road. I know just how lonely the road can get and I don't expect her to take off work and tour with me, so I want to get every little morsel of time with her I can get before I hit the road again. I want to make a strong foundation that can withstand the distance. I've got the rare opportunity to do so and I don't want to waste it.

"With everything you've told me, It sounds like you want her to depend on you, like you don't want her to have a life outside of you and I have to admit, that's raising some concerns." Her eyebrows pulled together, her fingers steepling, "You should want her to have her own life, to be independent. That's a healthy relationship. To rely solely on you isn't healthy, that's controlling."

I quickly wave my hands, my head shaking , "No, no, that's not what I meant at all. I'm all for her having her own life. That's one of the things I like about her. She doesn't ask me for anything. I bought her groceries once because I added loads of stuff to her cart and I felt like since there was a lot of additions she normally wouldn't get, it was only fair. She actually seemed pretty insulted but didn't want to cause a scene."

I thought back to all the times I had gotten on to her about her meal choices and her comment about not needing another dad. Had I came off as controlling, bossing her around? That wasn't my intention, I was just worried about her, not wanting to see her work herself into exhaustion. It came from a caring place, not a controlling place. My fingertips came up, kneading my forehead. I remember Levi saying the best intentions can cause the most harm, a phrase that had stuck with me ever since he said it. It had seemed like such an odd, out of place thing to say at the time but I'm beginning to see what he meant now. I may have meant well but I very well could be doing damage. "And for having her rely solely on you for emotional support? You strike me as the ride in on a white horse, let me fix the problem type guy, which again, isn't exactly what you'd call healthy."

As much as I'd like to argue with that statement, she had me there. I did like to take it upon myself to fix things. Like when we were in that diner and that guy was being a creep. I stepped in and took over. It didn't even cross my mind that she could have handled it until afterwards. I just wanted to put an end to it as quickly as possible. Even if it wasn't really my problem to fix. Good intentions can cause the most harm all over again. I wasn't the type to stand idly by and watch someone hurting without trying to fix it. That's just not me and I hope I'll never grow to be that heartless. I can, however see her point and I have the suspicion that Adi isn't the type that's going to be okay with me swooping in all the time making her problems disappear.

"I don't want her to rely on just me. If that's what you got out of this, there's been another miscommunication." I could hear how clipped my sentences were, so I took a deep breath in order to adjust my tone, "I just want to be let in is all. For her to feel safe enough to tell me things Would I like to be the first person she wants to tell things too? Yes. Do I want to be the only one she tells things to? Of course not. As for the whole white horse bit, Normally, I am. Not because I want to control but because I can't stand seeing people hurting when I can do something. That being said I know damn well the whole chivalrous act isn't exactly going to work with her. She seemed pretty used to handling everything on her own. I'm happy just being..." I pause, searching for the right word,  "Support?" My eyes screwing shut as I thought, deciding it was as good of word as any,  "As much as I'd love to jump in and make everything better, I'm content with standing behind her, only helping her when she asks for it."

"You say that, yet, you've expressed how," She flipped back a few pages, "I want to be able to fix any problems her ex caused."

I felt a little spark of anger, "Of course I want to fix it. She deserves the best. What's wrong with that? I care about her, so it's only natural I'd want to fix it." My voice slightly heated.

"You can't fix the problem Ed, that's what I'm trying to get in your head." She sounded slightly irritated now, "It's something she has to do. She's the one that has to work through it. You can't fight the battle for her, as much as you want to, you just can't. It's her battle."

"So, what, I'm supposed to just sit back and watch her struggle? Sorry, no, that's not going to happen."

Her calling out in her sleep, crying about standing there not helping was forefront in my mind. My vision blurred as my hands curled into fists again. No, I wasn't going to stand idly by and watch her hurt when I could do something about it. Even if was something as simple as keeping those dreams at bay. I'd gladly sacrifice a couple hours of sleep to make sure she never had to go through another one of those dreams again.

"No, Ed, that's not what I meant and you know it."

I took a deep breath, exhaling sharply through my nose. I honestly didn't know how to just be support. I've always felt the need to protect the ones close to me. Paired with some pretty strong feelings of jealousy and the need of establishing what was mine. What's mine...maybe Linda's right, maybe I am controlling but not in the conventional way. The fact that I was a jealous, no, insecure. That's the root of it. I was insecure. That's where the jealousy came from. The fear they'd find better. Either way, it was something that I didn't like about myself. I never thought of it as controlling, since I never went out of my way to stop any of my exes from doing whatever they'd felt like.

"Maybe you're right...as much as I don't want to admit it, I do tend to go out of my way to let the shifty looking guys know when a lady is with me. It's not something I'm proud of but it can sometimes get carried away.

"Well, that's something we can work on if you'd like."

"Yeah...yeah okay." I nod eagerly.

She just offered a smile as a response before continuing on. "Now, I'd like to revisit your fight. Specifically the part where you said you saw your life in that apartment."

"Oh...okay, sure." Slightly thrown by the focus on that particular piece of information

. "You sound like you have some pretty strong feelings. Do you love her?"

I scoff, "Love?" I shake my head, "No, it's too soon to be thinking that."

What a thought, love, this early. That is exactly what I'm known for though. The romantic guy. The guy who's quick to fall head over heels. So, really was it that crazy that she'd suggest it. More importantly, was she right? No, it's infatuation. That's all. The line between love and lust is a thin one. I'm feeling the lust hard. Just your good, ol fashioned lust. Nothing more.

"They say love follows no schedule."

"It's not love. I'm not sure what this is. I've never quite felt this way before. I've never dated someone like her before." I admitted sheepishly, " Someone who keeps me in check. Who doesn't treat me different cos of who I am. Who calls me out on my bullshit. Grounds me when my ego starts to get out of control and she has no clue she even does it. That's the best part.  Y'know, in the heat of out fight she actually looked me in the eyes and straight up said I'm not famous to her. You're just Ed. Do you know how long it's been since i've been just Ed to anyone other than my mates back home? It's refreshing. It's the first time I felt like someone was dating me for me."

That's the feeling. Nostalgia. I hadn't had a girl like Adi since my very first girlfriend, way back before I was famous. She was there at the beginning, through my struggles and she was there for my success. That very success was the death sentence for our relationship. I was always gone, she was lonely and we just fell apart. We were young and dumb, thinking love would conquer all and keep us together. Long story short, it didn't. Adi didn't seem too concerned about it. Either she was really confident or really naive. I don't think she knows just how hard it's really going to be.  Linda quickly pulled me from my thoughts.

"You've said dating a couple times. I know you said you weren't exactly sure what this was since you hadn't sat down and had the talk yet. Did you?"

"Yeah, that was the outcome of our fight. She blurted out 'my lego building boyfriend' and didn't realise it until I pointed it out." A smirk gracing my face, "That pretty much ended our fight and it shifted to the big talk. By the end of it we made it official. She kept my key and I'm meeting her friends this weekend. So she went from we need to slow things down to you're my boyfriend all because we finally talked and cleared the air."

"That's progress, yet you still look upset."

The smirk was quick to leave, replaced by a frown, "I'm nervous. She doesn't know the tabloid gossip. She doesn't know just how bad things really were with the drug use and partying but they do. Levi was on the fence about me for a while, hell he still could be for all I know." I shook my head, "I'm worried once she finds out, we'll be over. I'm still in shock that we're even together now after I fell off the wagon." I swallowed, "When she showed up that day...I was so fucked up I didn't see her standing there, I saw the woman who used and played me. I thought she was going to do the same thing Al did. Use me to further herself. Once I heard magazine all common sense went out the window, replaced with 'Oh god not again.' I was right back in that mess, being taken advantage of. She just seemed too good to be true. The last time I felt that, I was right. I just assumed the worst. I'm just stuck in the past and it almost costed me...but..." I hesitate, the words caught on the tip of my tongue, "no....nevermind." "Safe space Ed. It stays between us." She gently reminded me.

"I wonder just how desperate is she to stay with someone like me? To look past all that shit. Most would have walked then and there. Why would she put herself through this? Misery loves company and I'm afraid my bad habits are going to rub off onto her."

She was so upbeat and bright when I first met her. She was like a raging wildfire. One month with me and that wildfire is nothing but a small ember. Dim and flickering, just barely staying lit. It almost felt like leaving would do her a kindness. Saving her before that spark went out for good.

"Didn't she tell you she understood what you were feeling. Maybe she knows what she saw that day isn't the real you."

"I don't know what's the real me anymore...what if that is the real me?"

That thought had been resting in my head for a long time now. What if I was stuck in this cynical mindset from now on? Stuck holding everyone to mistakes of the past, never being able to move forward. You can only get burnt so many times. Eventually you're going to wonder if it's really worth it the chance. Was those dark thoughts going to be my permanent mindset from here on out or just the dark before the light breaks?

"That's what we're here trying to figure out. But I don't think that's you for one minute and I'm guessing neither does she."

"Well I wouldn't know...she won't tell me and it pisses me off. I don't know who did this to her but I wish I did." I mutter bitterly

"So you can fix it?" Her eyebrow rising?

Ah. She's got me there.

"Not just that. So I don't make the same mistakes. She's already said I reminded her of him when I scold her. And when I pointed out it sounded like he just cared, which I realise now probably wasn't the best thing to say, she got understandably upset. 'He did. Until he didn't.'  I don't want to be like him. So i'd want to know what to avoid."

She nodded, scribbling something down."Does it piss you off because she won't let you in or because she was put in this position to begin with?"

"Both." I state without any hesitation, "In the back of my mind I'm just worried she's never going to be comfortable enough to tell me."

"It's like I said. It's a battle she has to fight herself but not by herself. She'll let you in when she's ready, not when you're ready."

I knew there was going to be no rushing her. No amount of coaxing, pushing or persuading was going to get her to do anything she didn't want to do. This would be no different. I just had to sit back and wait, as much as I didn't want to.

"I know I shouldn't be hung up on the past but...the way she avoids talking about anything even remotely related to her ex. And it's not just her, Levi was the same way. It's like some unspoken rule between them or something." My frustration evident in my tone, "I know there's the whole don't speak about your ex to your new partner thing but this is ridiculous. He's such a huge looming presence of her, over us, really and it worries me a lot. I know she didn't get closure, so I guess I'm just worried that...she'd run right back to him given the chance." I could feel the hot sting of tears, "The way she talked about him...it's like..." I couldn't finish the sentence, so I took a deep breath. "There's so much history there. I can't compete with that. I'm fucked if he ever comes to his senses and shows back up."

I didn't even try to stop the tears this time. They freely fell as I spilled my biggest worry. That I would do until something better came along. That I was just a distraction from him. That I'd be tossed aside if he came back. You wouldn't need to fill in a boy toy about your feelings or past. You'd just give them enough to keep them on the hook. That maybe she was just telling me things I wanted to hear to keep the charade going until he came back. The majority of my brain told me that wasn't the case, that everything she's said was true but that voice in the back of my head wasn't always a small one. Sometimes it screamed and pounded, drowning out everything else.

"If you're that worried about it, you need to address it. You're so caught up with her feelings you're neglecting your own. Your feelings are just as important as hers. I'm sure she wouldn't be too pleased if she knew you were holding back something like this."

"Well, fuck, why should I be the only one spilling my guts? She's obviously in no hurry." I spit, brushing away the remaining tears.

I wasn't sure where this sudden anger had came from. I felt so raw and vulnerable. Like I wasn't in control of my emotions. They were just pouring out of me now, swinging from one to the next. This was one ride I wanted to get off of as soon as possible. It was terrifying.  

"Is that how you think a relationship works? That it's an even give and take?" There was a sharpness to her tone, "If that's the case, you're highly mistaken. When she can only give 10% you've got to provide the other 90. Withholding stuff out of spite is no way to have a relationship. The only thing you're doing is hurting yourself  in the long run."

My anger died down a bit, "So, what I'm just supposed to go 'hey, I'm worried if Mike showed up on your doorstep you'd dump me like yesterday's rubbish?'"

"Not in those exact words, but if that's how you feel, then yes. You've transitioned from potential relationship to actual relationship, so you should feel a bit more safe expressing things now."

She's right. Of course she's right. I'm being a child. How is me holding all this in helping either one of us? How can I expect her to open up to me when I'm acting like a spoiled brat. I could feel my face growing warm.

"Could I get you to write a note telling her the same thing?" I cracked a smile, "I'm kidding. Besides she told me she was seeing someone anyway and they told her pretty much the same thing." I grin, "It's not you is it?"

"If I was, you know I couldn't tell you."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." I felt a sigh escape my lips, "So, you're saying I should lead by example? If I open up more, it could cause her to tell me more?"

"Ed, what are you afraid of?"

"Well, lots of things, heights, belly buttons, hairless cats in sweaters-"

"You know that's not what I meant." I fought the urge to glare at her but she was just doing her job after all.  What was I afraid of really? What was I so worried about finding out. What was the one thing that always plagued me, not just with her, but in every relationship.

"The truth. That her feelings will never be the same as mine. I've always been the one that's felt things stronger and quicker. At first, I thought maybe she was the same. She showed up to a diner in pyjamas for fucksakes, not to mention stayed the entire weekend with me. She seemed quick to throw caution to the wind and I went, 'Yes, I found my match. Someone who's as much of a romantic as I am. This is gonna be easy.'"

"No relationship is easy all the time. The honeymoon phase is over. This is where the real work begins. The rose coloured glasses are off and her flaws are starting to show."

"So...it's never going to be like it was before?" I felt my heart sink.

"Is that a bad thing? You're down to the meat and bones now. The real part."

I thought back to all the nights spend on the floor building legos, the Friday nights at Uni, the lazy Sundays in bed. The silly arguments about nothing important. The way her eyes almost disappeared when she really got laughing, her hand waving me off. The way she played with her food, the way she'd overplay her reactions just to get a laugh. I couldn't remember the last time I had heard her laugh. Or even seen her smile for that matter. Not like she did when I first met her. The fact that all that could be gone was painful.

"No, I guess in theory it's not, but I liked the Adi I met. The Adi that danced like no one was watching, the one that took me on a guided tour of the city, with some very questionable and hilarious  commentary. Is it wrong that I want her back to her cheerful happy self?"

"Ed, everyone, and I mean everyone, puts their best self out at the beginning. That doesn't mean it’s a lie, it just means there's more to them."

Her words stirred up a series of images, the distant, longing look in her eyes the night I met her and she thought she was alone on the roof. The look of sadness when she was at the diner talking about her parents, caught up in her memories. Anytime she thought she was alone that look was there, quickly evaporating when I made myself known. That's when it clicked.  

"I wasn't wrong when I said I thought I met my match. I was just wrong about what part. I've spent this entire time thinking I caused all this.  I never stopped to think it was there the entire time and she was hiding it. It's the exact same thing I do."

"What made you come to that conclusion?"   "You did, when you said the honeymoon phase was over and that everyone puts their best self forward. It was all an act Lin! She has to believe in me enough to take off the mask!"

There was an odd sort of relief that accompanied that revelation. The fact the blame wasn't laid all on me felt like a giant dark cloud had lifted. I had perked up considerably since that revelation. Linda gently reminded that this was just another assumption and that this was a marathon, not a sprint. By the end of the session I felt considerably lighter, a plan forming in my mind as I headed back to my car. I knew exactly what I going to do next. 

[jooheongif]

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

[dothewrite]

SCENARIO WITH AKAASHI AND FEM S/O WHERE AKAASHI IS AN ASSASSIN/SPY THINGO AND HE WAS ON A MISSION TO KILL HIS S/O AND NOW THEY'RE JUST STANDING IN FRONT OF ONE ANOTHER AND AKAASHI IS HOLDING THE GUN BUT HEJUST CANT SHOTO AND (i'm so sorry this is a cliche but please feel fee to make it as original as possible! )

My brain went on a wild ride with this one! I initially misread that both characters would be assassins, then I wanted to make it all badass, then my brain went ‘nope’ and… well, you’ll see. This was incredibly fun to write, thank you for requesting this. :) I hope you enjoy it!

The house is empty when he returns. Nothing is out of the ordinary; the porch lights are on, the garage doors slide up smoothly when he presses the remote button. The low grinding of the tires against gravel is a noise he hears every night when he parks his Mercedes next to her Porsche.

It’s 6.55, five minutes until dinner’s ready. Akaashi is a naturally quiet man, and he slides his key and unlocks the front door very quietly, as he usually does. The hinges make no noise, because he’d oiled them a week ago, and he slips off his shoes by the glass shoe-rack. It’s only a small thing, as neither of them like impulse spending, and he counts silently in his head. Yes, they’re all there. She’s probably in her slippers then, padding around the polished wooden floor on muted feet.

He’s not the type to shout, especially in such a large house with only the two of them, so his entrance past the foyer and into the living room is unannounced.

She’s not there, and the curtains are drawn. Akaashi really should be getting on, but he takes a moment to run his fingers over the fine embroidery of their antique couch. It had belonged to his grandmother, and they had without hesitation, both decided to place it where they would see it the most.

“What do you think about a dog?”

“Depends on whose dog it is.”

“…Why do you know everything I’m going to say?”

“This is an expensive couch, let’s not ruin it with teething, infant beasts yet, how about it?”

“Well at least I know what you feel now about having children.”

“My feelings on children are entirely different.”

“Really?”

“Yes. They shit everywhere too.”

“Keiji!”

He peeks his head around the corner into the kitchen, and she’s not there either. It’s out of the ordinary, because both of them are quite tidy individuals, and the lights and oven have been left on. Akaashi reaches out to bring up a knife dirtied with the slight orange colour of chopped carrots. It’s all there, neatly sorted into bowls of prepared vegetables on the counter. The salt and pepper are out too, ready to go on the steak that’s still sitting on the chopping board.

Before he walks out of the kitchen, he takes a minute or two to put the condiments back into the shelf where they belong.

Seeing dinner almost complete makes him a little hungry, and it gives the uncomfortable churning in his stomach an edge- a nagging feeling that tugs at his sides. She always tells him off softly for that too, when he stays out too late or overworks himself at the office until he’s back at three in the morning looking completely famished. He remembers her late night snacks for him like it was yesterday, but he’s stopped coming home so late for two years. He misses them a little, maybe not the worried expression on her face, but the way she laces their fingers together and bumps her hip against his in a gentle admonishment.

It’s supposed to be his turn to cook tomorrow evening, if she’s doing it tonight. The only logical conclusion would be to make a stew, since she’s making something seared tonight. A warm smile touches his lips, unbidden, and when Akaashi pictures the scene of the two of them wrapped up next to each other on the sofa eating off fancy plates and watching bad soap operas, he forgets to be unhappy for a minute.

He gives the guest rooms downstairs a quick glance over, and she’s not there either.

“Mmmm, a boyfriend who cooks? Does this mean I’m set for life?”

“I’ll cook if you buy the groceries.”

“Sure, let’s leave the most tedious part for the lady.”

“Lady? I don’t see a lady here.”

“Oh, I see how it is. I guess it won’t matter if I do this-”

“-Stop! STOP! At least roll down the curtains, jesus christ!”

“I so am a lady.”

Akaashi is very proud of his stairs. He’s always been thankful that he chose to invest in good craftsmanship and good wood, and since they bought the house six years ago, he hasn’t heard a single creak from them at all. It’s all the better for him, because he knows that he’s used to stealth. He’s used to pretending that he’s not where he really is, and with each silent step he remembers what he’s supposed to do.

For him, silence has always been the loudest noise for him, and the way the house seems to be resonating with it, Akaashi has a lot of moments to think. One of the things that comes to mind is how she was happy to hear that he liked things quiet too, and now, he understands, that the soundless stairs were probably a good thing for her too.

The banisters reflect only the warm, dim light from downstairs’ corridor and his own shadow. He makes it to the top before flicking up the switch that lights up their second floor. Akaashi glances around without moving his head, only his eyes flickering here and there, and it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone upstairs either.

He heads to the salon first, and when the only sign of life he sees is their shared pot of white tulips, he can’t help but take a seat next to them. Although pale yellow is his favourite colour, he thinks that these flowers are the most beautiful he’s ever seen.

-

“Happy Tuesday! I have a present for you.”

“But Tuesdays are my worst days.”

“All the more reason!”

“You got me a scarf? In the middle of summer?”

“I saw it in a display today and, well, I kinda thought it would make your hair look beautiful.”

“…I have a present for you too.”

“A scarf??”

“No, tulips.”

“Did you choose to raise plants instead because they don’t shit and bite your furniture?”

“Correct.”

-

His fingers fall away from their supple petals in a lonely caress, and he pushes himself upright. He’ll come back and water them later, he decides. The piano seems to play itself a mournful tune of farewell as he slips out and closes the door behind him.

There are a lot of windows in their house, he realizes. Purchasing it, they had been more focused on the layout and the spread of space, and even at night they usually turn the lights on in a trail behind them. Rarely have either of them needed to navigate the house in darkness, and now that he’s chosen to do so, Akaashi finally notices the way the half-moon lays down checkered patterns on the floor like a mat. Window after window, it marks his progress down the hallway.

Usually, there’s music coming from at least somewhere. Wherever she decides to nest, really, and if Akaashi ever loses her or if she doesn’t respond to his gentle call of her name, he only needs to follow the source of the music until she pops up sooner or later. It’s too quiet for his liking tonight, so when he reaches their shared room, he slides their built in speaker system on.

It plays her favourite song, Chopin’s Piano Concerto No. 1, Op. 11, at a medium to low volume, and Akaashi feels a chill run down his arms. As much as she loves this, she seldom listens to it. Akaashi is the classical music lover out of the two of them, and this was the song he performed for her with a modest orchestra the night he proposed. She, however, thoroughly enjoys pop music and dramatic electronic tunes, and it’s despite all that she’s managed to fall in love with everything that Akaashi loves to listen to, too.

The melody feels like a love letter, a letter of apology, a message, a serenade. She’s not even here, not in the house like Akaashi had originally thought, but he falls in love with her a little more with each passing arpeggio.

Lithe fingers flip open the envelope on the nightstand, revealing an actual note on a post-it note. The laugh that this brings him aches from his head to his heart. He puts it back where he had found it after reading over the message, and makes his way downstairs again, a little faster than before. Swiping his abandoned jacket from the back of the couch, he leaves the house.

“I’ve been thinking of putting you in my will.”

“That’s sudden. We’re not married or anything. Do you have a terminal disease you’re not telling me about?”

“It’s just good to be careful. You never know what’s going to happen.”

“You’re… right, but… I don’t really want to think about anything happening to either of us yet. Not when we haven’t tried so many things together.”

“Alright. I won’t mention it again until you’re ready.”

“Thank you, Keiji.”

“Mhmm.”

The hotel lobby is so familiar to him that the busboys and the concierge all shoot him welcoming, yet knowing looks the moment he steps in. Akaashi supposes that he should feel a little abashed that he’s come here so often for dinner with his wife that everyone recognizes him, but nothing shows on his alabaster skin. He nods at them, a polite greeting that doesn’t disturb their work, and makes his way to the auditorium. It’s an odd combination, a hotel and an auditorium, but it’s the reason why he likes this place the best of all.

When he slips in from one of the side doors, he’s greeted with a solid flood of atmospheric lights, and a single spotlight that seems to be shining at the stage. She’s right there, waiting for him, her slim dress hugging her down to her ankles as they dangle off the edge of the platform. Graceful, yet obstinate, as always, and he clears his throat to let himself be known.

Her smile is so sad that it inspires a soft composition in his head. Akaashi makes his way closer to her and stops when he’s right in front of the dip that is the orchestra pit. Their eyes are locked onto each other, into each other, and he speaks first.

“Would you like me to play something for you?” His voice is terribly quiet, but it sounds like a cry in the silence and acoustics of the hall. “Chopin, perhaps?”

“Only if you’re planning on proposing again,” she laughs softly, bordering on a giggle and a chuckle. He watches wordlessly as her eyes wrinkle a little at the edges, her lips turn up at the sides and her fingers curl around the edge of the stage a little tighter. She’s not hiding a single thing from him, and it makes his breath heavy.

“Not tonight,” he murmurs.

A weighted silence hovers above them, and although they’ve spent more than half the time in peace, in each other’s arms, not needing to say a word, this leaves an uncomfortable tingle in their limbs. Stretched, sluggish, yet ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Her eyes finally flicker away from his own deep-sea ones, and they rest longingly on his shoulders and his hands. “Did you bring everything you need with you?”

Akaashi tenses his fingers. “Yes,” he replies, this time more solidly, “you left the bathtub untouched.”

Her smile is kind, and he returns one of his own. “I had to leave you with something, otherwise it wouldn’t be fair.”

“Thank you.”

She had always been the soft-hearted one, more so than he. Even her fingers look reluctant as they slide out a Desert Eagle .50 from behind her, wrapping around the grip with the same amount of delicacy she would cup his cheek with, or run her fingers over his lips with.

Akaashi can’t help but raise an impassive eyebrow, and draws his own Walther PPK/S .380 from its position by his belt. She doesn’t make a move yet, and he flushes a little in appreciation as he takes advantage of their stillness to double check his suppressor.

“I knew you’d be a suppressor kind of person,” she teases. Akaashi doesn’t look up, but continues to run his fingers carefully over any gaps he might have missed.

“And I didn’t think you’d really prefer power over speed, yet here we are.”

She shrugs, and this time he does catch it. He raises his head to meet her eyes again, and their grips on their guns grow firmer. “I don’t, not for actual work. A girl can have her guilty pleasures, after all.”

“Chopin?” He can’t help but grin a little, and she laughs again. Oh, how he loves that sound, more than music itself.

“Chopin,” she agrees, with a lingering smile, “and you.”

He lifts the gun to point it at the space between her eyes. She does the same, without hesitation.

“You were mine too,” he admits.

“Were?”

Akaashi gazes at her rather than stares, and his heart feels so incredibly full that it beats only pain that one feels when absolutely, irrevocably in love. “Are. You still are,” he corrects. It’s the most truthful thing he’s said all evening, perhaps all year, and the confession is worth three times its weight in gold when a rich, red flush spreads over her cheeks and her lips widen with happiness.

What a sight they must both make! She is beautiful- she is always beautiful, to him, even in tea-stained shirts and ripped pajama pants- in the black, full length dress that he had once commented on as his favourite. He, in his work clothes: a simple, black tuxedo with velvet highlights, and he knows it makes him look every inch a mysterious stranger. It was necessary for this afternoon’s job, you see. The job he took on because he had been taking too long on the current one he’s on. The one he put off for weeks.

He’s peering at her skin from behind his rear sight, down the barrel, and it’s a shame she doesn’t appear on stage more often because the gentle lights that beam up at her that makes her look a vision to him. He’s all coiled and tense, yet she’s still gripping her pistol loosely, swinging her legs like she always does when she’s nervous, and Akaashi has never wanted to pull her to him more in his life. He wants to murmur into her soft hair that she’ll be alright, that it’ll be better tomorrow, and that he’ll bring her a warm cup of tea once she’s tucked in bed.

She needs only to pull that trigger at him, for her to become the adult she’s always loathed being. Muscle memory will snap into place no matter how carelessly she does it, and without a doubt Akaashi believes that her bullet will hit its mark.

Maybe if she shoots at his heart instead of his head, it’ll distract him from that unshakeable ache in his chest for a while.

Akaashi Keiji is excellent at his job. He is one of the best in his agency, and he has never failed a mission before.

“Shoot me,” he looks her in the eye and tells her.

“I’m trying,” comes her strangled reply, forcibly light with stress and Akaashi lowers his gun. In fact, he lets it dangle off his fingers and drop of its own volition, onto the plush carpeted floor. It hits the ground with a muffled thud, and he lets his hands hang loosely at his sides.

“I love you,” he bleeds his heart from his lips, and all the pressure inside fades with each word he exhales, “I can’t shoot you. I wouldn’t be able to live afterwards.”

Her expression is pained, and her hands tremble when the tears start to roll down her cheeks in big, fat beads. It makes him feel a little better, because he’s adept enough at reading her expressions to know that she’s been holding those in for days now. Those stolen days built on stolen moments- taking as many normal, happy moments with them as they can.

“Keiji,” she whispers his name, “you’re a dead man if you don’t.”

“I’m a dead man if I do,” he replies stubbornly. His face betrays nothing, but his eyebrows are set in firm resolution, and his fingers wrapped into fists. He’s done nothing yet except for stand and stare, but he’s already exhausted and worn down to the bone. He can feel the beads of sweat form along his hairline but he doesn’t dare to break their tension. “If you want to shoot me, then please.”

“I don’t want to!” She grumbles indignantly. “Don’t put it like that. You always do that.”

He rocks backwards a little on his heels and smiles. “I do, I’m sorry.”

She lets out a heavy sigh, one that’s more impatient than solemn, and something in Akaashi’s chest leaps. He can’t quite believe his eyes, believe his life when he sees her toss her own gun to the side in a snap of her arm.

“Who’s going to play me Chopin in the middle of the night if I shoot you?”

“They did invent CDs.”

“Keiji, nobody uses CDs anymore.”

“Pirating is a crime, you know. You might get caught.”

“Funnily enough, I’ve done worse.”

She’s watching him out of the corner of her eye, and he’s looking at her with the deadpan expression he’s so accustomed to wearing. This moment finds them both submerged in complete disbelief, irony and utter ridiculousness that Akaashi is tempted to burst into laughter.

He opts to reach her as fast as he can, instead. His leather shoes carry him to the far end of the stage in a moment, and he can tell from her shifting shadow that she’s matching him step for step. Although he only has to wait half a second longer, it feels like the weight of the sea is dragging him down when he reaches out to trap her in his arms and never, ever let go.

She’s barely caught a breath, or a sob in this case, when he grips her face tightly in between his hands and covers her mouth with his in desperate apology. He drinks her up, each lap, each suck, until he’s sure that she’s the only flavour he’ll remember when everything is gone. He presses kisses along her neck next, or her forehead, or her eyelids, and anything else that he can reach because he promises that he’ll never take anything for granted anymore. She’s not always going to be with him, and he won’t always be allowed with her. This is yet another stolen moment, but to heck with it- Akaashi will sell every part of himself if it means that he can hang on to a few more of these.

He’s by no means a romantic, nor a very expressive man, but it’s the gravity of his decision that pulls him to one knee, cradling her hand in both of his. She looks ripped apart between relief and fear, but her eyes are wide and only for him in this one movement. Akaashi presses a kiss to her trembling knuckles.

“Marry me,” he tells her.

She’s silent for a second, until it’s broken by her hiccuping laughter.

“We’re already married, silly. You’re going to have to play me a different song this time if you want me to do it again.”

So he does. He pulls her beside him, slim figure pressed firmly against lean muscle and he begins to play a new song. Weapons on the ground, forgotten, and the promise of tomorrow’s daybreak also disappeared, the sound of fervent Piano Concerto in B-Minor: Allegro Appassionato winds together with the tune of an uncertain tomorrow, and a certain love.