#i should make falafel soon i haven't made falafel in so long..

[mildmayfoxe]

it's my roommate's birthday today and either she or someone she knows ordered her donuts which i know are likely to not get eaten at all and i'll just have to watch them sit on the table for a week until they get thrown out. on the other hand my other roommate is "branching out" (admirable) and told me she's having falafel for the first time (store bought) and i was, concerned, like "how are you eating them" and she was like "with brown rice" and i was like "are you putting any sauce on there" and she was like "yeah i'm gonna put some lemon juice and dill in some greek yogurt" and i was like (internally) "thank god" because otherwise what an awful introduction to falafel. SAUCELESS? too horrific to imagine. and then i saw her frying them up a little squished in a pan so at least she's not going to have the worst falafel in the world for her first falafel experience. i thought about offering her some tahini but didn't know if she wanted to go that crazy

[xoxo-bunnydumpling]

I saw that Eli got a text from his ex-wife's nana and the weird mental state started. I said not a word about it all day but it made me nervous. I tried to have fun at the studio today but...there was a thorn in my side. It worked for the content of the episode so I didn't have to explain it to anyone but Eric caught me in a hug before I left and said "hey, try not to take shit home with you okay?" Knowing that he noticed just made me more uneasy.

"You don't have to make them..."

He's already up and on his way to the kitchen to make the falafel I said I wanted for dinner. They were supposed to be hypothetical falafel, I didn't require that he jump up and make them and now I feel bad.

"No one ever HAS TO make falafel, technically...and I'd really prefer you not starve to death." I have been running on coffee and Werther's all day and haven't been able to make myself actually eat.

He's already in the kitchen opening cabinets when I shout from the living room.

"We could order them!"

"That is a thing we could do. But I'm grown and we have the stuff so I could also just make them and I really think I'd manage to live through the experience."

I'll be honest...my period is coming soon and I'm dumb emotional right now aside from the text and it's a thing and I'm already achy and uncomfortable and just in an odd headspace entirely. He says it playfully, not a hint of malice or glimmer of irritation in his voice at all...we do have a running joke, our very first one from way back to our first date, that cooking for me makes him nervous...but fuck all, I start crying anyway.

I don't know how he can tell from there. I have my knees pulled up and am crying into a pillow and am really trying to do this quietly and quit my bullshit before he comes back but I hear his footsteps coming quickly.

"Were they that bad last time?" When I don't look up and/or laugh, he sits down and pulls me over until my head is in his lap. "Don't say it's stupid. Just let it out."

So I tell him everything, how every month I think I might just die this time but knowing in three months I'll never do this again has been doing my head in. I've had my uterus for a long time, we've really been through it, and even though she's a stone cold bitch...she's my bitch. Always has been. He gives nothing but the occasional "mmhmm" and "yeah" but runs his hand up and down my back harder than usual, like he's trying to force it all out, shake it loose for me.

The absurdity of crying on my husband's junk catches up to me eventually and I start giggling a little.

"Sorry to get your dick wet."

"Honey, that's not a thing I ever expect an apology for."

I sit up and get into his lap to bury my face in the crook of his neck. If he doesn't see me ask, it doesn't count. His hands on my back and in my hair are more gentle now, easing me down from my hysterical high.

"Shelby's nana texted you..."

"I know."

I bristle at this just a little. "And?"

"And do you want to read it?" Then, very softly, "I should have told you earlier, I'm sorry. I just didn't want..."

It was a group text, essentially a Nana's news report. Just announcing that Shelby had had her baby and they expect to be at the hospital for a few more days. "A little early, but she's perfect" with a photo of this little person, new to the earth, still a little red from the hard work of being born, a shock of dark hair atop her wee little head. I look up at Eli, quickly.

"Still not mine."

I believe him, of course, but she looks like she could be. She could have been, he could be there right now texting Mama to let her know her first grandchild had been born. He could be falling stupid in love with this little girl forever, right now. But all he gets to have now is me...the broken wife. He deserves so much more than this and mostly because of what he texted back.

"Congratulations! So happy for you, she's very sweet. I think I live closest to the hospital now...let me know if you need anything. Hospital food can get old after while..."

I know he means it. I know that after all that time, no matter what happened, he still loves them all. Even Shelby, just differently. I should know how love shifts, but doesn't go away, by now.

[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty excellent day off. I accomplished a lot but I mostly rested and it was just good.

I was really distressed last night before we went to sleep. I don't know what was wrong but all of a sudden I just felt very uncomfortable and then I just passed out. I don't know what was up but I remember telling James that I was very uncomfortable and then I was just asleep. I woke up around 2:30 and all the lights were on. Living room and bathroom. I turned them off and was able to fall back asleep pretty quickly. We woke up around 8:30. And James made us waffles. I got dressed and then we worked on hanging up stuff in the dungeon.

While we were sitting there mister will the maintenance man knocked on the door. He had another guy with him he was around our age. Didn't get his name but he was nice. Mr. Will fix the windows and put a screen in their bedroom window. He's going to come back and fix the chain on the window in the hallway. But it does open now. It's too humid to really have the windows open for very long outside of the morning. But it's nice to have the option for one of those start to cool down.

James had to leave to go to work. So I was in my studio working on things while Mr will and his assistant fixed a couple more things and installed a shelf for the microwave. He came out and told me that he had been able to open up the window in the bathroom but would have to come back to put a better screen in. He said he doesn't think it's been opened in 50 years. He's worked here for 15 and it never was open. I'm apparently the only person that's ever asked for it to be open. Which I think is hilarious. I just get so humid in there.

What is it about your art. He came in and asked me what I was making and I showed him the drawing of the robot I made and the collage I was working on.

While I was sitting there I got a text from Ben that he had to reschedule our photo shoot for Friday. Which was fine with me. I went and got changed because I wanted to wear a dress for the photos but I didn't need to wear that dress today. So instead I wore my new shirt that I'm in love with. I feel so cute in it.

Mr. Will laughed and told me that he would come back next week but to call him if there was an emergency. And I kept cleaning. I put the magnets on the fridge. I made a piece of pizza for lunch. I haven't used our oven yet. So that was a little scary. But I figured it out. While it was cooking the doorbell rang! I didn't think we had a doorbell. And it was mr. Will. He had locked himself out. And since I was right there he let me know that the doorbell's do work now and he borrowed a Sharpie so he could read label them. He mostly guest. But we know which one is ours at least. He said no one's ever really asked about that before. Apparently nobody asks anything here!

I spent some time hanging out in the living room. Playing with sweet pea. But I wanted to get out of the house so I decided to take a bike ride. It was supposed to storm and it looks very gray outside but it wasn't actually raining. Until of course I get outside on my bike and it starts to drizzle.

But it wasn't a bad drizzle and so I just kept biking. I biked around the neighborhood. Figured out where the other coffee shop is. Kind of just went up and down the hills seeing if there was any other stores or anything. There's a couple corner stores. I found a Subway. But nothing too interesting. I need to go and pick up cat food though so I went back up to the old neighborhood and got sweetpea a new harness and some cat food. Then I went to Chipotle and got nachos. And then I came home.

I got lost. I biked around the neighborhood for a while I couldn't figure out where my street was. I kept sending it back at Micah. I eventually figured out what I was doing wrong but I was annoyed with myself. And I was very overheated.

I got upstairs and cooled off as best I could in front of the fan. Then I started sorting out my butter strips. I wanted to fix them to paper so they be easier to hang on the walls. Once they were sorted I went and took a shower. I needed to cool down. I remade the bed. I used to sweater shaver thing on it to get the pilling off the sheets. That texture bothers me really bad. Feels much better now.

And then I worked in my studio for a while. I figured out a good layout for the photo strips. Took three big pieces of paper to do it. First I laid out all the ones with just me and Jess. Which is most of them. They took about one and a half pieces of paper by themselves. Then I took some of those off and moved some of those to the third sheet of paper so there be more room to put ones with other people in them. I think it looks nice. I left them open spaces for when I get new ones and maybe eventually we'll get another sheet paper going. It's nice to have them in the studio where I can see them all.

I came into the dungeon and I've been laying in here for a while. The Sun comes in here in the morning and it's in the living room in the afternoon. And I didn't want the sun on me so I'm in here. I played with the Legos again. I made a much better Tower this time. And sweet peas laying with me. James should be leaving work soon and we're going to have Falafel for dinner I think. I'm looking forward to that.

Marcus from work might come over tomorrow to pick up a couple things that I don't need anymore that he could use in his apartment. But I think tomorrow will just be more art making and enjoying how nice this apartment is. Because it really is very very nice and it's comfortable and I feel very happy here. And maybe I'll go to the mall. I kind of want to get a pretzel.

I hope you all have a great night. My dad got out of surgery just fine. He's home already. Keep sending those Good Vibes because there's more surgeries coming. Talk to y'all tomorrow.