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signalwatch · 1 year ago

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So, here we are in 2023.

In addition to Direct to Streaming Christmas movies, I've been throwing on the Hallmark Channel since way back in November.

Apparently what both Jamie and I need this year is to just zone out for 90 minutes from time to time, and to be able to talk over a movie featuring characters we don't really care about a whole lot. And that's absolutely the intention of a Hallmark Christmas movie - a minimum of drama and plot, reasonably good looking people predictably falling for each other, and a happy ending that guarantees these people will now be as boring as you are, because the events of this movie was the biggest thing to ever happen to them.

I copped to watching the film in 2015 and wrote my treatise on Hallmark movies back in 2017, and I think it shocked a lot of you to find out how very, very much I know about these movies that so many so casually get sniffy about (with good reason, tbh). But a lot has occurred since 2017. We're in the dark future of 2023 now, and the world is not what it was.

A very, very big part of me would love to know how Hallmark works and how these movies come into being. I have some theories based loosely on what I knew from a friend's mom who wrote Harlequin Romance novels, but there's zero confirmation on any of this. I'd just be guessing.

But it's not a mistake that these movies have similarities that go beyond "girl with a Christmas-themed name goes to small town, meets guy in plaid". It's an endless sea of similarities, and there's practically nothing else like it in media - like, they get to do drafts and check stats to see what works in real time as they release 85 new movies each year (this is barely hyperbole - there are 42 in 2023). But I strongly suspect Hallmark is cooking up packages they send out to potential writers with a list of things that their movie should contain, and then they make most of those scripts. Again - I don't know this, but otherwise the similarities would only happen because of Holiday Magic.

Over the years the movies have, in fact, changed as Hallmark has tweaked their formula. Folks who don't actually watch Hallmark Christmas movies assume they're still making the same plot where a young woman realizes she just fell in love with single Santa, but, ho ho NO! That hasn't been a thing for years. They still do royalty, but they tweak it quite a bit. And I am pretty sure I haven't seen a single movie this year about a young woman returning home or stuck in a small town who then meets a kind-of-handsome man in plaid who makes her want to give up her big city dreams (although I've seen men coming to a small town). And not a baking contest in sight.

In the mid-2010's, Hallmark decided quantities of movies was better than quality of movies. And that had multiple effects that carry through to today.

1) The era of FX is done. That means no more movies where they fly to the North Pole or an elf magically decorates a tree. So, no more stories with magical beings, because it means less movies if the budget went to CGI Northpoles and extras in elf costumes. And fewer movies means people tune away faster.

2) So long, star power. Which, honestly, is kind of a bummer. A *huge* draw for me initially was seeing "oh, what's that actress I recognize from that show from 10 years ago doing in this? What's her deal?" But it turns out it's way cheaper to go hire a random Canadian actress than get, say, Alicia Witt. With Canadian local talent, you can make two or three movies, and people will just leave their TV on because they haven't seen that movie yet, but they've seen the Alicia Witt movie and might click away.

Now, people really follow these movies, and that means that the fans have sort of made these Canadian stars into their own niche type of celebrity. They follow their favorite Hallmark stars, because of course they do. Heck, I have a couple. And Hallmark is always trying new people on to see who is going to land.

And, you can go see these actors at a Con. Because of course you can.*

Like I say - Over the years, you could guess there were themes handed down from Hallmark central. "This year we're doing movies about soldiers and/ or veterans", etc... It was always a trick to spot what the new thing was that year. I suspect that they can have, say, Lacey Chabert show up and read five or fifteen scripts with essentially the same premise, pick the one she wants to do, and the rest get handed out to the Hallmark B and C-List stars, and they're going to make the movies, anyway - just with a lower budget.

Themes this year got a little... hard to pin down. In 2023, I think they ran multiple new ideas.

1) Drama. These movies have always had basically the same source of drama - someone misunderstands someone else, and this leads to a downturn in the blossoming romance, but then they figure out it's a silly miscommunication, and head right back to the absolute certainty these people are absolutely going to end Christmas Eve in the sack.

But not so this year. This year, they introduced new plots that were - weirdly stressful. Which is not exactly why I thought these movies existed. Characters were legit stressed out, not Hallmark stressed out - where they would just talk through the issue at hand while having coffee with a pal and walking down a picturesque street. Now it's people mad at parents, not sure who their parents are, and I think I saw two movies where the house construction wasn't done for Christmas.

Look, Hallmark, I don't need reality butting in. Don't get cute now. I want to have these movies on as wallpaper at worst and entertainment I can forget about fifteen minutes later as my best scenario. I do not want to deal with generational trauma or people dealing with the stuff I'm avoiding by watching your sorta-pretty-people handing each other coffee.

2) International travel. Uh, look. This was mostly Americans going to Europe and exploring their European roots, which is something Americans think they should do, but, honestly - we shouldn't. Nothing sucks more than a 10th generation American deciding they need to talk about how "German" they are or whatever. You're from Cleveland, it's fine.

And, look, I'm not sure in 2023 that what you need to be doing is getting people really excited about and romanticizing their European heritage. Like - there's a name for that, Hallmark.

That said, it's wild to see Lacey Chabert and Scott Wolf in Ireland doubling for Scotland, claiming a Duke-dom. Amazing. No notes.

3) Why not a mystery? Well, Hallmark has been defying Lifetime's belief that all people want is stories of domestic situations gone bad and traded that for low-stakes "cozy mysteries" for years. Now their Christmas movies and mystery movies met under the mistletoe and had a baby. A kind of bland, boring baby.

Look, I get that they have a whole channel called "Hallmark Mysteries". I guess it was inevitable someone would decide we'd need to crack the case of the reindeer ornament or whatever, but this is putting a hat on a hat.

A few years back something shifted down Hallmark way. And it kind of needed to. Audiences were noticing these movies were maybe a little too lily-white, which is just not how America works, so the movies began to feel... weird. Why *not* cast more people of more diverse backgrounds? And not just as background characters in the inevitable Christmas Eve singalong sequence that wraps the movie?

I'd say Hallmark has stepped up their game. As always, it's imperfect. But it's not the WASPy world it was back in 2017. There are movies branded "Mahogany" made by and for Black audiences (Mahogany is also a card line from Hallmark). Queer characters get larger parts and are not just coded and a component of the Big City lifestyle that must be abandoned. There are Hanukkah movies. I will now stop listing non-straight, White things one can be, but Hallmark has found diversity, and the creeping feeling maybe you're supporting White Nationalism by watching these movies is reduced a bit.

The move to diversify, however, was not going to work for the former head of Hallmark programming and former Hallmark darling Candace Cameron Bure, who is not as insane as her brother, but who went to start her own TV network just so she could keep making movies just about straight, white people. Which is absolutely telling on yourself, but ok.

So, Bure is now at Great American Family, a network I cannot get at my house and have not missed. But she also landed several of her fellow Hallmark darlings, from Chad Michael Murray to Danica McKellar. So that's where they went.

Some stuff we noticed this year:

The international movies were kind of weird, with the movies filmed in Europe but starring people of the wrong nationality as the people from that country. Irish people as both Scottish and Norwegian people. Just... make an Irish movie.

They kept casting people literally decades too young for the roles they were playing. It was *weird*.

The male talent is now almost exclusively from a very small Hallmark stable, and I have several questions about why I have no facial recognition with any of these guys, learning they've been in 10 of these that I've seen when I look at IMDB

I saw like one thing baked all year, and it was in Norway

The writing is trying to be quirky, and I'm not sure the directors and editors have caught up. It feels almost like the actors have gone off script sometimes or an idea isn't landing because the film just doesn't want to deal with, like "oh, isn't this weird ornament funny?" and we keep going back to it, and... it's not funny?

I couldn't tell you which movies Jamie and I have watched so far - it's a blur. I've probably seen... at least 12 or 15 in part, and that included probably 7 from start to finish. We watched

the oddly snowless Norwegian movie

the one where Lacey Chabert goes to Ireland Scotland

a movie where Kimberley Sustad wears an elephant necklace

one where Lacey Chabert lives in the worst neighborhood imaginable where one is forced to love Christmas

One where Autumn Reeser keeps coming back to a tree lot, thirsty for the tree guy

One where some dumb kid goes off in a boat on the ocean by himself at night on Christmas and kind of ruins the day for everyone

And a bunch I've already forgotten

And many, many parts of movies

Anyway, it's a weird period of transition. I don't blame Hallmark for trying new things. Incremental novelty is going to be the thing that keeps people coming back.

I know it's probably a little mysterious as to why I'm back watching these movies. Again. But at this point I'm just watching to see, year-over-year, what they're going to do next. I guess on some level I enjoy also having something on in which I have no real investment and nothing is asked of me as a viewer, which is what I think a lot of people watch reality TV for. And it's a sort of cultural study at this point.

Part of me will also admit - at the end of the year, I just don't want to deal with, and do not have time for, anything super serious. Which is why I resent very important Oscar movies getting dumped in December. I have neither time nor inclination. But, sure, I'll watch some would-be country music star discover found family in a town with a name like "Festive Corners" or whatever. That sounds about like what I've got mental bandwidth for til January 2nd.

I don't really have access to Lifetime or other channels doing this type of movie, so y'all will need to report in if there's anything to discuss.

*if Hallmark comes across this post and wants to sponsor my trip to 2024 ChristmasCon for some in-depth coverage, I am in

#hallmark christmas movies #hallmark movies #hallmark

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totheblood · 3 years ago

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totheblood's sleepover

hi all! hope you are having a fun night, i wanted to do something fun in honor of me hitting 800 followers. i just recently started writing and can't believe i have hit this milestone and that this many people enjoy my writing! also a huge thanks to everyone over at @tshwritersnet, thank you for the endless support, kindness and friendship.

ships. send me a description about yourself and I'll ship you with a character (not limiting to marvel)

cast your mutuals. tell me what to cast my mutuals/friends as and i will!

character playlist. send me a character and i'll make a playlist for them

song recommendations. tell me about yourself and i'll give you a song that reminds me of you

fmk. fuck marry kill, pretty self explanatory?

moodboard. give me a vibe and a person and i'll make a moodboard for them

movie reviews. send me a movie and if i have seen it i will give my honest review on it

graphics. do you need a graphic? send me an ask with what you need it for, what you want it to say, colors and overall vibe, and i will do my best to make it for you

fic recs. tell me what you like, and i will suggest a fic for you

free compliments. send me your work, (fics, moodboards, playlists, graphics) and i'll compliment it

questions. ask me anything, and i will give you the honest answer.

advice. need advice? great! im great at giving advice.

rant/vent. if you need a place to let out your thoughts i'm here

get to know me. send me one of these prompts and answer it for yourself! so we get to know each other

blurbs. send me a prompt from the following list, who you want it written for, and i'll write a short blurb

broken trust

“ you broke your promise. “ “ i never intended on keeping it. “ “ thought you were one of the good ones. “ “ i can’t believe i'd be so stupid... [to trust you]. “ “ you broke your promise. why? “ “ you promised me. “ “ so? “ '' don’t bother with an apology. '' '' it’s my fault for being so naive. '' '' you don't deserve me. not anymore. '' '' trust goes both ways. '' “ you lied to me. “ '' trust is earned. you have to give it to get it. '' '' this wasn’t supposed to happen. '' '' you weren’t supposed to lie. “ “ why couldn’t you just be honest with me? “ “ what else did you break? “ '' i thought we could be honest with each other no matter what. '' '' why don't you trust me? '' “ think you can forgive me? “ “ maybe one day. but it’s gonna take some time. “ '' you don't think i trust you? '' '' well, clearly not! '' '' i know you don’t trust me... '' '' you should have known better. '' “ did i break your heart? “ “ i promise — “ “ don’t. “ '' you seriously expect me to trust you after the shit you just pulled? '' “ trust you? are you [fucking] serious? “

grumpy/sunshine prompts

“ it's different when [he's] with me. “ “ honestly, i don't get you two as a couple. “ “ you can do so much better. “ “ i love [her]. i know that might not be enough for you, but it is to me. “ “ [B] hates everyone. “ “ everyone but you. “ “ how could you possibly love someone like B? “ “ it's really none of your business who i'm dating. “ “ he's always been there for me when i needed him. “ “ you don't know [him] like i do. “ “ [he's] more relaxed in private. “ “ you love me, don't you? “ “ too much to function. “ '' how did you pull someone like that? '' '' how come i'm the one with a resting bitch face but you're the one with an attitude? '' '' you are sunshine incarnated. i hope you know that. '' '' but you're so cheery, and [he's] so... weird. '' '' [he's] not a bad person. '' '' you might be the only person i can tolerate, but not even you can bring out the best in me this early in the morning. '' '' you're lucky you're cute, because your eternal optimism is super annoying. '' '' you complement each other well. '' '' i've never seen you this happy with anyone before. '' '' [she] makes you smile. that's quite the achievement. '' '' oh my god, you're smiling? '' '' just because i happen to hate everyone else, doesn't mean i don't want to spend every second of my day with you. '' '' you're the only one who's ever going to see me this way. '' '' this way what? '' '' this happy. '' [beat] '' not counting our wedding day. '' '' smile. it's not gonna kill you. '' '' you're angry. '' '' i'm not angry, this is my everyday face. '' '' so what exactly did you do on your parents wedding day? '' '' uh... counted the hours until i could go home and play mario kart. ''

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partywithponies · 4 years ago

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hi! i've only ever seen the bbc version of father brown and i've never read the books (i know, i'm so sorry), but i'm super curious about the different versions of father brown and you seem like an expert on each adaptation, so i was wondering if you'd be willing to give me a rundown of sorts on each version/series? i know it's a lot to ask and i may be opening the floodgates here, but there's not a ton of info online elsewhere and i'd love to learn more! thanks either way. ciao!

OH BOY YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE ANON

OKAY SO

As briefly as possible:

The books:

Proof people who complain about the BBC show being “too political” don’t actually know the books at all

Father Brown straight up calls capitalism “evil” and “heresy”

Chesterton says that millionaires dying isn’t a tragedy

Inspector Valentin betrayed us and broke my heart, ACAB I guess

Since every police officer he befriends lets him down in some way, Father Brown’s only real friend is Flambeau, who he goes absolutely everywhere with. They only go on holiday with each other. They’ve been all over the world with each other. I love they

Book Father Brown pretty much never does his goddamn job. We literally never in all the books see him giving mass or taking confession. The closest we get is when he gives an impromptu sermon after seemingly coming back from the dead, where he literally only says "You silly, silly people. God bless you all and give you more sense." then runs away to send a telegram. Useless priest. I love him.

Book Flambeau is. Incredible. Amazing. Iconic. None of the adaptations have been able to fully capture book Flambeau’s true energy, for he is a walking contradiction who contains multitudes. If all the onscreen Flambeaus fused into one being, THEN you’d have something vaguely resembling book Flambeau.

Book Flambeau is MASSIVE. He’s at least 6′4, he’s broad shouldered, has huge hands, and his super buff. He can just. Pick people up and throw them. He can knock people unconscious with one punch. He fills doorways when he stands in them. He terrifies most people just by drawing himself up to his full height. He also has a very short temper and a very short patience.

He’s very agile and athletic and can move silently, despite his size. He’s also a master of disguise, somehow. (Explain, Chesterton. Explain. Is everyone in this universe apart from Father Brown, Flambeau, and arguably Valentin massively stupid? Actually don’t answer that I’ve read these books)

Book Flambeau has a habit of flinging people full-bodily down flights of stairs when they anger him or threaten him or Father Brown. Book Flambeau also carries a walking cane with him literally everywhere that has a sword concealed in the handle, plus book Flambeau insists on taking pistols on holiday with him, even when he was just going for a peaceful fishing holiday in the Norfolk Broads. King.

(Which all makes it so iconic that Father Brown, described as tiny and meek and sensitive, saw this man when he was still a hardened criminal on top of all this and said “THIS ONE I LIKE THIS ONE. I JUST THINK HE’S NEAT” and went off on a jolly through London with him.)

Flambeau’s past is extremely mysterious. We no nothing about his family or his childhood or where he’s from or why he turned to crime. We know he used to be a soldier, and a part of him misses it. We know he used to fight duels semi-regularly, and liked them to be fought the very next morning after they were organised. We know he always used to make sure to visit the dentist on time, even when he was a hardened criminal. (King of good teeth.) We know he was in a gang at some point. We know he was a student at some point. We don’t know what he studied, but we know he knew Leonard Quinton in “wild student days in Paris” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). This is literally all we know about his past before he met Father Brown. The man is a riddle wrapped in an enigma. (That’s why Flambeau is so big. He’s full of secrets)

(Fun fact: in the book universe Flambeau is famous and popular in America, so you could say that in universe Flambeau is America’s Favourite Fighting Frenchman.)

Flambeau also loves cats and children, believes in fairies, likes pointing out rocks that look like dragons, and likes giggling and mucking about on the beach with Father Brown. A baby.

One time Father Brown called Flambeau “full of good and pure thoughts”, but I don’t think that’s quite true, Father. I think Father Brown just has endless faith in Flambeau.

Another thing I think is really neat is that it would’ve been so easy to have Father Brown be the genius and Flambeau his dumb muscle sidekick but that’s not the case at all! They’re both geniuses and they’re both each other’s sidekick, and in fact it’s Flambeau who’s the famous professional private detective, Father Brown is just an amateur. Father Brown is often defined by his connection to Flambeau rather than vice versa, both in the text (the text will frequently refer to them as something along the lines of “Flambeau and his friend the priest”, and on two separate occasions a long list of Flambeau’s possessions is ended with “and a priest”), and in universe (Father Brown himself is massively famous in America in universe largely because of “his long connection to Flambeau). I don’t know I just think it’s neat.

One time a man threatened Father Brown with a gun and Flambeau just beat him unconscious and then Father Brown and Flambeau just drove away and left him unconscious on the path. It was awesome.

(I’m sorry I rambled about Flambeau for so many words I just. Really really like Flambeau you guys. Father Brown and Flambeau are like two separate crime drama character tropes, the hard boiled cynical P.I. and the cosy eccentric amateur detective, but together as a double act, and I just think that’s really cool.)

Father Brown himself is if anything even more mysterious. He’s just “Father J. Brown, formerly of Cobhole in Essex, currently London”, and he’s “Flambeau’s friend”, and that’s all. That’s all he needs to be.

I also really really love Father Brown himself. I love that he’s allowed to be cheerful and optimistic and childish without any of this making him less clever, and in fact he’s shown time and time again to be cleverer than grumpy cynics who are scornful of childish things. Like, the whole giggling childlike thing isn’t even some kind of act, he’s a genius who understands true human nature, and he also really really likes puppet shows and building sandcastles who telling fairy stories, he really does get a “childish pleasure” from seeing Flambeau swing his sword-stick, and he really does have “strong personal interest in tomfoolery”. I love him.

I must share my favourite book quote about Father Brown himself: “But neither of them is very like the real Father Brown, who is not broken at all; but goes stumping with his stout umbrella through life, liking most of the people in it; accepting the world as his companion, but never as his judge.” uwu uwu uwu I’m cry.

Chesterton just subverts all the expectations character wise, the cheerful bumbling priest is a genius, the violent criminal is a true hero, the noble police officer is a corrupt self-serving murderer. It’s great. We stan. 10000000/10

(I’m not very good at being brief, am I?)

Father Brown, Detective (1934):

The first movie! It’s completely ridiculous. I love it a lot.

It was released just at the start of Hays Code, which, among other things, stated that crime and immorality should not be glorified or glamourised, and all crime and immorality must be seen to be punished by the end of the film. In practice in the case of this film, this means two things:

Paul Lukas!Flambeau is the only Flambeau to actually go to prison (and stay there).

He’s by far the Flambeau who deserves it the least. Lukas!Flambeau never hurt a soul. He just wanted to be loved. #FreeMyBoyHercule

Okay but in all seriousness. There’s a reason I call Paul Lukas!Flambeau “Himbo Flambeau”. Where other Flambeaus are violent or dangerous or geniuses, Lukas!Flambeau is just a big dumb idiot who respects women and has a great sense of humour and writes all his letters in the third person like Elmo for some reason. I would die for him.

At one point Flambeau in disguise is talking to the police, and when the police criticise Flambeau, disguised Flambeau says “Oh but I assure! I have read many things about this Flambeau! He is a fearless, handsome fellow!” The absolute idiot. I adore him with my whole heart.

The film is set in London, like the books, but an idealised Hollywood version of London, i.e., almost entirely unlike London.

Walter Connolly!Father Brown is also entirely lacking in braincells. Look at these two idiot men:

I love them.

Oh oh! And the most important thing, the thing that carries over into most other adaptations? NEW ORIGINAL CHARACTERS!!

This movie invents a few characters that weren’t in the books, but the most important ones are Mrs Boggs:

She doesn’t really add much to the plot but she’s funny and I love her so I’ll forgive it.

She’s Father Brown’s housekeeper, she’s basically just the fussing maternal female character archetype who fusses around in the background, but she does it well and plays it with charm so I’ll allow it.

(Honestly this whole film is just. Not *technically* good or original, but just so charming and with so much heart that I unironically adore it.)

She tries to make Father Brown drink his milk because it’s good for him even though he doesn’t like it, and keeps checking back in on him to make sure he’s drunk it, it’s literally like a mother and her small child.

She objects to policemen in the presbytery because of their “big muddy boots on the carpet” but is fine with just letting Flambeau in whenever despite the prevailing rumour in London being that Flambeau killed a man. We stan a queen of having priorities.

When Inspector Valentine summons Father Brown to the station, Mrs Boggs pops up in the background, assumes Father Brown’s being arrested, and says “Oh dear, I knew it!” and it makes me giggle like an idiot every time.

The other, more important original character invented for this movie is my girl Evelyn Fischer:

I love her, I would die for her, she’s flawless.

She’s basically your typical bored and rebellious young aristocrat, but she has a chaotic streak that I adore.

She sneaks out of her family’s mansion to go to a seedy underground club/illegal gambling ring in Soho (I mean I assume it’s Soho, a seedy part of London in that general vicinity, at least. I’m not about to get bogged down trying to understand the geography of London according to Hollywood), flirts with a bunch of strangers for fun, then when the police raid the place and everyone else is panicking she stands stock still, cheerfully says “Oh goody, I shall probably get my name in the papers!” and has to be physically dragged out of the building by Flambeau.

Later on Flambeau breaks into her bedroom in the middle of the night and she’s just very calmly like “What are you doing?”, and even when she finds out it’s Flambeau, a man widely believed to be dangerous and violent, instead of being scared, she calls him an idiot right to his face.

She forms the third part of the main trio of the movie with Father Brown and Flambeau (RIP to Valentine, demoted to tertiary character in a loose adaptation of the one (1) story where he was the main character lol) and together the three of them share a single braincell and have to take turns with it, while Mrs Boggs fusses in the background at the trio’s increasingly bonkers decisions.

The movie ends with Father Brown and Evelyn sharing an emotional farewell with Flambeau through the window of a police car and promising to look after each other until Flambeau’s released, wow poly rights.

The Adventures of Father Brown (1945):

The adaptation there’s the least amount of information about, but I’ve done my best to find everything I can find on it.

An American radio show made towards the end of wartime, it’s a bit of an odd one, and believe me Father Brown adaptations have gone some odd places.

Only two episodes survive, or at least if more do survive then whoever has them is being very selfish and hoarding them to themselves because only two episodes are publicly available anywhere, and the audio quality of those is a bit dodge. (Though that is to be expected, they do appear to be home recordings, from 1945. Honestly we should be grateful to even have two full episodes.)

If the actors I’ve found are the right people, this show featured by far the youngest Father Brown and Flambeau, at the start of the show the actor playing Father Brown was only 36 and the actor playing Flambeau was only 27. They’re BABIES. (Honestly I’d like to see more age variation in Father Brown adaptations, as I have extensively rambled about before, the characters have literally no canon ages in the books, I think people ought to be a little more imaginative instead of always building on the adaptations that came before, even if it is really cool to see traces of all the previous adaptations in each new one that comes along. It’s something I haven’t noticed as much in adaptations of other golden age detective novels, but the Father Brown adaptations do seem to be stuck in some kind of game of “yes, AND” with each other. I would REALLY like to see an adaptation where Flambeau is older than Father Brown though, it's just something we've never had before despite there being literally nothing in the books to suggest this can't be the case, and I just think it'd be neat.)

This show is really really painfully American, in a real old fashioned "golly gee whizz mister" kind of way, to the point it almost feels like a parody, and I honestly find it kind of endearing.

Even Flambeau frequently slips into a very American accent to the point that my affectionate nickname for him is "The All-American Flambeau", and it's great. He's great.

Honestly I could accept the accents and the slang, for some reason the only thing that really threw me was Father Brown referring to money in cents and nickels.

Needless to say, this adaptation is not set in London. It is instead set in Generic Unspecified Smalltown USA. It's fine. This is fine. I already have so many films and shows set in London, I can swallow my London pride and let America have this.

It's hard to get a real grasp on characters from just two episodes, but I like this Father Brown and Flambeau, even if they are a little overly serious, and even if Flambeau doesn't really do much. He may be a bit serious and a bit useless but All-American Flambeau stays up late anxiously waiting for Father Brown to get home safely and it's very sweet. What a good boy.

All-American Flambeau also carries handcuffs around with him for some reason? But no weapons? Why is All-American Flambeau one of the few Flambeaus not to have a gun? Oh well, he's still sweet.

The 1945 radio show also gives us some original characters, but they're very much side characters and not part of the main plot and it's very hard to get a good grasp on a character from just a few minutes of audio from just two episodes but here's what I could gather:

Nora is another fussing housekeeper! She seems younger and less maternal than Mrs Boggs, but I don't know if that's just because the whole cast was on the younger side. (Could the radio station not find anyone over the age of 40? Were they in short supply in 1945 or something? Ah well.) She seems dedicated to helping Father Brown get some peace and quiet that he never goddamn gets because someone always goes and gets themselves murdered. In both surviving episodes a knock at the door disturbs Father Brown’s rest, Nora opens it professionally, sees it's Flambeau, and immediately drops the professionalism and is immediately like "oh it's only you", so I can only assume every episode started this way. I do hope so.

Father Peter is a junior priest who answers to Father Brown and takes over his duties on his days off. He's implied by the dialogue to be considerably younger than Father Brown, Nora, and Flambeau, but if their actors are anything to go by then they're not that old themselves, and though Father Brown seems to talk to Father Peter like he's a literal child, he is still a priest so I very much doubt that's the case. He seems sweet and harmless, but he's only in one of the surviving episodes and only in that towards the end and mentioned briefly at the start, so it's hard to judge completely. It's highly unlikely that the reason he's not even mentioned in the later surviving episode is because he turned out to secretly be an evil murderer, but, this being a Father Brown adaptation, not entirely unfounded. (But no, he's probably just a sweet boy who exists to have exposition delivered to him.)

Father Brown/The Detective (1954):

The Alec Guinness movie! The one haters of any of the other adaptations complain that adaptation isn't more like, but in my humble opinion, actually the worst adaptation.

Like, I don't hate it! The cast is mostly stellar actors and if I just saw it as a movie on its own, it'd probably be fine. But as a Father Brown adaptation watched in context of the books and the other adaptations, it has a few issues imo.

Most glaringly it has Tone Issues. This film cannot decide if it's a comedy or not. The original posters certainly marketed it as one (see above) and half the cast are noted comic actors who were famous at the time for comedy, goddamn SID JAMES is in it, but the entire third act is played painfully straight, half the cast is mugging for the camera and trying way too hard to be funny while the other cast is giving extremely serious and subtle performances, like. I have no problem with a Father Brown adaptation being played for laughs, and I have no problem with a Father Brown adaptation being played for drama, both can work beautifully, but just PICK ONE, PLEASE

All of my other gripes with the film are very petty and nitpicky, this film calls Father Brown and Flambeau "Ignatius Brown" and "Gustav Flambeau" even though Father Brown has the canon first initial "J" and Flambeau has the canon first name "Hercule", and I hate it a lot. "Ignatius and Gustav" is the second worst thing any Father Brown adaptation has ever done to me.

My other petty nitpick with the movie is that it makes Flambeau literal nobility. The man is a duke. In my opinion Flambeau should always either have a completely mysterious past or be a nobody who came from nothing, someone who grew up with land and title and many servants and a family coat of arms, living in a whole entire castle with his family name and coat of arms engraved into the side of it, growing up and stealing from people, is a whole lot less sympathetic in my opinion. Like to be fair his parents are dead which is sad I guess and his castle has seen better days, but dude. You still own a castle. People who live in castles do not get to lecture other people about materialism.

THAT SAID, Peter Finch is still the best thing about the movie. I love all Flambeaus dearly, even the ones that are little bitches. He’s a bit of an emo “oh woe is me” sadboy, but he’s very charming, and actually good at disguises and being undercover, get dunked on Lukas!Flambeau.

Guinness!Brown likes to feed ducks and Flambeau calls him “the angel with the flaming umbrella”, which makes my inner Good Omens fan who loves finding parallels between Aziraphale & Crowley and Father Brown & Flambeau go 👀

There is one really good scene, in the Paris Catacombs. And by “good” I mean “really really bafflingly gay”:

I truly, truly do not understand how this scene was written, directed, acted, filmed, and edited without ANYONE saying “hey lads does this seem a bit gay to you?”

Father Brown, literally lying on top of Flambeau and pinning him to the ground, whispering: “I would like to set you free.” Flambeau, softly, gently smiling while his face is literal inches away from Father Brown, who is still pinning him to the ground: “Ah, now I begin to understand what you are.”

What the fuck, you guys. What the entire fuck. This scene keeps me up at night.

ANYWAY

This film is also not set in London. It is instead mostly set in a rural English village, and partially in Paris and partially in rural France. Paris is fun but I miss London.

This film also has some original characters. I should probably talk about them.

This is Lady Warren:

She’s Father Brown’s friend, and she’s a Lady, and that’s all I can really tell you.

She’s very well-mannered and dignified and sophisticated.

She gives me the vibe that she exists solely because the writers decided they needed a female character but then remembered at the last minute they had no idea how to write women, so as a result she is almost entirely irrelevant to the plot. I don’t want to say I don’t like her, because she’s done nothing wrong and it’s not her fault, but like. Why is she here? Poor thing, she deserved to be plot-relevant, really.

She lives in a big mansion and owns some very nice things, and she gets annoyed when she invites Father Brown to lunch but he just stares blankly into space thinking about Flambeau the whole time. (Mood honestly FB. Me too.)

She flirts a bit with Flambeau in one very pointless scene that came the hell out of nowhere, went nowhere, and was never mentioned again. It was like the writers realised how gay the previous Flambeau scene was and suddenly tried to convince me this man is a hetero. Nice try, writers. You can’t fool me that easily.

The other main original character is Bert:

Alright, own up, whose bright idea was it to put Sid James in a Father Brown movie?

Bert is a smalltime criminal who’s a friend of Father Brown, who Father Brown protects from the police, but tries to convince to get on the straight and narrow by getting him as a job as Lady Warren’s chauffer.

This is would be fine, were it not for the fact he’s played by Sid James, who only knows how to play Sid James, and is just Sid Jamesing it up in every scene. I don’t have anything against Sid James. I like my fair share of Carry On films. But Sid James does not belong in Father Brown and I want to fight whoever decided he did.

Father Brown (1974):

LADS LADS LADS! It’s time for the first TV show, and it’s time for my favourite boys:

Oh! OH! How I love Kenneth More!Brown and Dennis Burgess!Flambeau. They’re just. So cute. My two special boys.

Not only that, but LADS! We’re finally back in London!

A gritty, dirty, London in the 1930s no less, with cool London buses and political unrest and grimy pubs and the constant threat of world war. Alexa this is so cool play London Calling.

In one episode Flambeau gets verbally abused by an anti-immigration right-wing zealot. :( My poor boy. :(

(But it’s okay, shortly after Father Brown witnesses this, the racist shows up dead in exactly the place Father Brown earlier said would be a good place to commit a murder. Now I’m not accusing Father Brown of murder, BUT)

This show made the bold but valid decision to skip Flambeau’s redemption arc and start the show when Flambeau is already a seasoned and respected private detective who’s lived in London and been Father Brown’s closest friend for many years. As a result this Father Brown and Flambeau are ridiculously domestic with each other. Look at this peak Old Married Couple energy:

Oh! I just love them.

I would love to know how Burgess!Flambeau’s redemption went down though, because Burgess!Flambeau is BY FAR the least repentant of all the reformed Flambeaus. He proudly boasts about his crimes, he still believes he “deserved to succeed”, he still proudly talks about how “daring and outrageous” he was, which begs the question of why did he stop at all? Literally the only explanation I can think of is that he’s literally only doing this for Father Brown’s sake, which. uwu

Oh GOD I love Burgess!Flambeau. Obviously I love all Flambeaus a lot, and choosing a favourite feels like choosing a favourite child, but let’s just say: if the Flambeaus WERE my children, Burgess!Flambeau would be quite spoilt. My ~ Daring And Outrageous ~ boy.

More!Brown and Burgess!Flambeau are both really really socially awkward, uncomfortable in crowds, and nervously say “oh dear” a lot. They really are ridiculously cute.

They also only giggle and joke and act silly when they’re together, when they’re apart they’re both sort of sad and quiet and withdrawn. (This makes episodes Flambeau isn’t in a bit harder to watch because Father Brown is just kind of lost and lonely without his emotional support Frenchman, with three notable exceptions: that time Father Brown infodumped about the mating habits of whales at the Father Superior for a solid minute, that time Father Brown met a dog and reacted with unrestrained delight, and that time someone mentioned former criminals in passing and Father Brown’s whole face lit up and he started gushing about how Flambeau was living in London now and doing very well as a private detective, completely unprompted.)

This show also brought back book!Brown and Flambeau’s habit of always going on holiday together! Wonderful! We love to see it!

This show is also the first time in the entire Father Brown franchise where gay people are overtly acknowledged to exist! And Father Brown is non-judgemental! A roman catholic priest written in the 1970s and living in the 1930s who canonically isn’t homophobic! I have no choice but to stan forever!

You remember what I said about liking to point out Good Omens parallels? WELL

Kenneth More!Father Brown and Dennis Burgess!Flambeau both live in London

Burgess!Flambeau lives in a brightly lit, pale walled, airy and spacious, modern (for the time) London apartment, while More!Brown prefers gothic architecture and lives in an old, grey, cramped, stone building absolutely full floor to ceiling with books

They go out for intimate candlelit dinners for two at very fancy London restaurants

Desperate people come to Flambeau because he “knows the game on both sides of the fence”

Father Brown responds with a quiet and miserable “oh dear” when asked to actually do his job instead of just watching plays and drinking wine

Father Brown calls Flambeau “my dear” at times and it personally kills me

I mean. I’m just saying. 👀

Now, isn’t there a third important character in the books?

Oh yes of course:

HIM! THE BASTARD MAN! INSPECTOR VALENTIN HIMSELF!

(Nobody understands him! IT’S NOT! EVIL!)

This show is the literally only adaptation to include the Valentin betrayal and I’m not gonna lie. It’s a very difficult episode to sit through, it’s far darker and grimmer and more depressing than you would ever expect from Father Brown, but my god it’s done so well. Especially considering the teeny tiny budget they clearly had, only four sets are used the entire episode and the whole thing takes place inside Valentin’s house, but even that adds a certain claustrophobic atmosphere and just. It’s done so well.

I think the entire budget went on gore effects because the decapitated heads in this episode are disturbingly realistic for the time the show was made and genuinely grim to look at. Not to mention the intense downer ending. Not to mention this was THE FINAL EPISODE OF THE SHOW

THE INTENSE DOWNER ENDING OF THIS EPISODE IS HOW THE WHOLE SHOW ENDED

God it hurts so much but I lowkey love it.

Father Brown Stories (1984):

The second radio series, and the first BBC adaptation!

Thrilling times for fans of actors being the right nationality for their characters, because after previously being played by a Hungarian, an American, an Englishman, and a Welshman, Flambeau is finally being played by a Frenchman, Olivier Pierre!

Father Brown himself is played by Andrew Sachs, Manuel himself.

Not gonna lie. It’s kind of hard to figure out how to explain the radio show.

We’re? Maybe back in London? Honestly it’s really unclear.

Pierre!Flambeau is kind of adorable. He’s described as looking like book!Flambeau physically, huge and buff and terrifying, but he has literally none of the temper or predisposition to violence.

Pierre!Flambeau doesn’t speak very good English at all, and oftentimes will react with “...What?” when he hears a strange English idiom or turn of phrase.

One time he says “Perhaps we should.. push on? SEE HOW I AM MASTERING YOUR ENGLISH IDIOMS” and it’s the cutest thing that’s ever happened.

To try and get better at understanding both the English language and the English people, Flambeau starts obsessively reading Alice in Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass, massive giant adorable boy.

One time Father Brown gets complimented of being academically minded and well read, and then asked if Flambeau is also a keen reader, and when Flambeau tries to say no, Father Brown interrupts and proudly and earnestly says “Oh yes! Monsieur Flambeau is one of our top Lewis Carroll scholars!”, it’s honestly adorable.

This adaptation finally uses “John” as Father Brown’s first name, as it should always have been! I love it!

This series said FUCK Father Brown having a mysterious past and no former friends or relatives! Now he has siblings, and friends who knew him before he was a priest who still call him “John”!

Father Brown himself speaks in a very sweet and soft and wavering way that makes my heart melt.

Sadly and unfortunately, I have to acknowledge the final episode of the show, which is the top worst thing any Father Brown adaptation has ever done to me.

It’s. It’s a crossover. With Sherlock Holmes. Actual goddamn Sherlock Holmes is in it. I hate it. I hate it so much. “Elementary, my dear Flambeau” shut the hell up, if this Flambeau won’t fling you down a flight of stairs then I will.

I deliberately avoided all Holmes-related media for THREE YEARS only for the awful man to spring up on me in Father Brown?? How could you do this to me???

I’m going to yeet myself into the sun, bye everyone.

(On the plus side, the Sherlock Holmes episode does have one of Father Brown’s parishioners recognise Flambeau as “a close friend of Father Brown and a frequent visitor to his room” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), so that’s nice I suppose. I’ll still never forgive the writers of this show for putting me through this.)

Father Brown (2013):

YOU ARE HERE.

I kind of see the current TV series as a culmination of all the adaptations that’ve come before? I can definitely see echoes of all of them in it.

And it’s great! I really really love it. I love it a lot.

I think about it daily.

My one and only complaint I would have is that Flambeau isn’t in it enough. Not just because he’s my favourite, though I’d obviously not be fooling anyone who’s read all this if I said he isn’t.

And it’s not that I don’t love the show as it is, and find the one Flambeau episode a series always something really special, so I don’t know what I’d have the writers do, exactly.

But it’s just. In literally every other version of Father Brown, Flambeau is the second most important character and the second main protagonist, and to have him in this show so little that some fans or reviewers call him a “minor character” and others call him a “recurring villain”, though I myself don’t see him either of those ways of course because he’s still Flambeau, it’s just kinda sad and painful, y’know?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being silly.

Hopefully he’s a regular in at least the final season of the show. If I don’t get my favourite partners in crime solving I’m rioting.

Anyway that’s my “””brief””” rundown on all the main versions of Father Brown!! I hope you liked it!!

#Anonymous #father brown #hercule flambeau #flambrown

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watching-pictures-move · 4 years ago

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Movie Review | Mulholland Drive (Lynch, 2001)

This review contains spoilers.

David Lynch's Mulholland Drive was released in recent years by the Criterion Collection, that great home video company that's probably the OG of boutique labels, known for putting out acclaimed, significant or otherwise interesting films in really nice packages. (For some reason I had been thinking they put this out only last year until I actually looked it up. I guess my sense of time has been a little warped as of late, and as much as I'd like to tie this review into pandemic-era life, the fact is other labels have captured my attention lately, as can be evidenced by my embarrassingly large and extremely shameful Vinegar Syndrome haul from their Halfway to Black Friday sale from a few months ago.) Now, nobody in 2021 is going into this movie truly blind, but if I happened to pick up the Criterion cover and perused the back, aside from the list of special features and disc specs, you'd see the below (which I grabbed off their website):

Blonde Betty Elms (Naomi Watts) has only just arrived in Hollywood to become a movie star when she meets an enigmatic brunette with amnesia (Laura Harring). Meanwhile, as the two set off to solve the second woman’s identity, filmmaker Adam Kesher (Justin Theroux) runs into ominous trouble while casting his latest project. David Lynch’s seductive and scary vision of Los Angeles’s dream factory is one of the true masterpieces of the new millennium, a tale of love, jealousy, and revenge like no other.

Now, this is a tough movie to evoke with only a blurb, but I'd say that does a pretty respectable job. I however do not own this release. What I do own is the barebones Universal DVD that was released a few months after the movie, back when going into the movie blind would have been far more likely. This is the description on the back:

This sexy thriller has been acclaimed as one of the year's best films. Two beautiful women are caught up in a lethally twisted mystery - and ensnared in an equally dangerous web of erotic passion. "There's nothing like this baby anywhere! This sinful pleasure is a fresh triumph for Lynch, and one of the best films of the year. Visionary daring, swooning eroticism and colors that pop like a whore's lip gloss!" says Rolling Stone's Peter Travers. "See it… then see it again!" (Time Out New York)

Now, the previous description probably couldn't fully capture the movie's essence, but this one makes it sound like an erotic thriller. (Could you imagine somebody going into this thinking this was like a Gregory Dark joint? I say this having seen none of his thrillers and only his hardcore movies, although I must admit an MTV-influenced Mulholland Drive starring, say, Lois Ayres is something I find extremely intriguing.) But you know what? Good for them. Among other things, this movie, with its two all-timer sex scenes, feels like one of the last hurrahs from an era when mainstream American movies could be unabashedly horny, before we were sentenced to an endless barrage of immaculately muscular bodies in spandex (stupid sexy Flanders) somehow drained of all sex appeal (god forbid somebody pop a boner...or ladyboner, let's be egalitarian here). I apologize if I'm coming off as a little gross, but having been able to barely leave the house for practically a year and a half, watching sexy movies like this is one of the few remaining thrills at my disposal. Please, this is all I have.

Now I suppose I should say something about the movie itself, but it might be a challenge given how elusive it is in certain respects (Lynch is notoriously cagey about offering interpretations of his movies) and, as a result, how heavily it's been scrutinized over the years. No doubt any analysis I offer as to the movie's overarching meaning will come off extremely dumbassed. What I will note however, is that for whatever reason, the scene I remembered most vividly is where Justin Theroux walks in on his wife with Billy Ray Cyrus, particularly the candy pink paint he dumps on her jewellery as revenge. We've been following Theroux, a movie director, as he's been having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, having had control over casting his lead actress taken from him, which he proceeds to process by taking a golf club to a windshield of his producers' car and then reacting as above when he finds his wife with the singer of "Achy Breaky Heart".

With his Dune having been notoriously tampered with by producers, I suspect there's a bit of Lynch's own experience in the scene with the producers, which plays like an entirely arbitrary set of rituals deciding the fate of his movie with no regard for his opinion or even basic logic. While I don't know how particular Dino DeLaurentiis was about his espresso, I did laugh. Now, taking the reading that the first two acts of the movie are a fantasy of Naomi Watts' character, who is revealed to be miserable and ridden with jealousy in the third act, the amount of time we spend with Theroux is maybe hard to justify. Is this perhaps her "revenge" on him, his romantic and professional success having been flushed away while he flounders in search of greater meaning to his arc? Aside from possible autobiographical interest, these scenes do play like a riff on the idea that everyone is the main character in their own story, and if the Watts and Laura Harring characters can be thought of as having merged or swap identities, then perhaps Theroux's arc is the remainder of that quotient. (Now, it's worth noting that aside from being insecure and arrogant, Theroux in this movie is a less stylish than the real Lynch. If Watts conjures the best version of herself in her dream, Lynch maybe doesn't want his dream avatar outshining him.)

Now why did the Cyrus scene stick with me all these years when other details had slipped? Mostly because I'd found it amusing, partly because of the extra specific image Lynch produces, and somewhat because of the casting of Billy Ray Cyrus. Now, I don't have any special relationship to the Cyrus' body of work, but Lynch's casting of him, with his distinct mix of bozo, dudebro and hunk, results in a very specific comedic effect. This is something Lynch does elsewhere in the movie, like when he has Robert Forster show up as a detective for a single scene. The Forster role is likely in part a leftover from the movie's origins as a TV pilot, but the effect is similar (albeit less comedic). Melissa George appears as a woman who may or may not be a replacement for Watts in some realm of reality. Other directors obviously cast actors for their screen presence and the audience's relationship to their career, but the way Lynch does it feels particularly pointed, as if he's reshaping them entirely into iconography. The effect is particularly sinister with the presence of Michael J. Anderson, with whom he worked previously on Twin Peaks, and Monty Montgomery as a mysterious cowboy who dangles the secret of the movie over Theroux's character.

Cowboys in movies are frequently heroic presences (see any number of westerns) and are otherwise innocuously stylish (I confess I've come dangerously close to ordering a Stetson hat and a pair of cowboy boots), but the presence of one here feels like a ripple in the movie's reality. A dreamy, brightly lit mystery set in Los Angeles should have no place for a cowboy. It ain't right. (It's worth noting that Lynch at one point copped to admiring Ronald Reagan for reminding him of a cowboy. Is this his expression of a changed opinion? I have no idea, but Lynch has never struck me as all that politically minded.) Neither is the hobo that appears behind the diner. Certainly hobos have made their homes behind diners, but this one's presence and the way Lynch produces him feel again like a ripple in the the movie's narrative. Jump scares are frequently knocked for being lazy and cheap devices to generate shocks, but the one here gets under your skin.

Now about the movie's look. This starts off like a noir, and the mystery plot on paper would lead you to think that's how the whole movie plays, but the cinematography is a lot brighter, with almost confection-like colours, than that would lead you to believe, at least during the daytime scenes. This is another element that likely comes from its TV origins, but it does give the movie a distinctly dreamlike, fantastical quality that a more overtly cinematic look, like the one Lynch used in Lost Highway a few years earlier, might not capture. This is one of the reasons I think this movie works better than that one, and there's also the fact that the amateur sleuthing that drives the bulk of the plot here serves as a more pleasing audience vantage point than the male anxieties that fuel the other film. I also would much rather hang out with Naomi Watts and Laura Harring than a charisma void like Balthazar Getty.

The manufactured warmth of the daytime scenes also results, like in Blue Velvet, in the nighttime scenes feeling like they're in a completely different setting, one which perhaps offers the key to unlocking the mystery, or at least revealing the phoniness of the movie's surfaces. I think of the evocative Club Silencio sequence, which comes as close as anything in the movie to laying its illusions bare. ("No hay banda.") But at times Lynch will throw in disarmingly childlike, inexplicable imagery, like the dancing couples against a purple screen in the opening, something that would seem tacky and amateurish elsewhere but feels oddly cohesive here. There are a number of directors whose work I admire for being "dreamlike", and putting them side by side they all feel quite distinct (you would never mistake a Lucio Fulci film for a Lynch), but they have the unifying idea of imbuing the tactile qualities of film with the truly irrational to really burrow into your subconscious. Other directors have made movies with some of the same elements as Mulholland Drive, but none have put them together in quite the same way.

#film #movie review #mulholland drive #david lynch

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lunaofthevalley · 7 years ago

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The Little Mermaid of Manhattan

Peter Parker x Reader.

Plot: Peter is saved by a mystery girl one day in the park, and he will stop at nothing to find her.

Growing up in New York City, Y/N had seen more than enough strange things in her lifetime. Aliens, giant centipedes, killer robots, superheroes etc. But besides all that it was New York City, a place that wasn't a stranger to weird things happening all around. But luckily enough Y/N had never experienced these strange things first hand, although she had dealt with a knock off Elmo at least twice, but no aliens or superheroes.

That was until one day at 7 am on a Saturday morning during her run in Central Park.

She was running her usual trail, one not many people took, which to her was good, meant she was away from prying eyes that could possibly judge her on the terrible running she did, which in reality wasn't that bad at all. She was running past the small lake she usually passes when a blur of red caught her eye.

She was going to ignore it and continue running but a splash and the sound of terrified ducks made her stop. She pressed pause to her music and took out the one earphone she was using before turning her attention to the lake. There in the middle bobbing up and down was what appeared to be a person. Y/N couldn't really make out what it was until she stepped closer, and upon further inspection she recognized it to be Spider-Man.

Y/N panicked, she didn't know what to do. She couldn't leave him to drown, nor could she just run off and ask for help, no one appeared to be close by and it just so happened she was also a selective mute. So that only left her with one option. She started by removing her electronic devices, then her jacket, followed by her shoes and socks.

She then jumped into the really cold water and began swimming towards the figure. As she reached him she couldn't help but give a silent thank you to her father for having her enrolled in those swimming and lifeguard lessons during past summers. What she though would never help her in anything was quite helpful at the moment.

She reached out and grabbed onto him in a way that would permit her to swim to the shore quickly. The lake she had always considered small now seemed like an endless sea. Once they were both safely on shore she softly dropped him on the grass before dropping down beside him, she had been tired enough as is due to her run, but was now even more so due to the impromptu rescue mission.

Once she recovered her bearings Y/N turned her attention back to the superhero. He still had his mask on and she didn't know if that was a good thing or not. She knew she would probably be breaking the most important superhero rule there was at trying to remove his mask, but she considered at that moment that air was more important than keeping his identity a secret. She looked around and found no possible way of removing the mask, it seemed to be connected to the suit.

She started feeling around his neck area and upper chest to see if that would help in removing the mask, but her efforts seemed useless. It was as if the suit understood what she was trying to do because next thing she knew the mask was gone as it has retracted.

That's when Y/N took a good look at his face and almost screamed because she knew him. She knew Spider-Man. She knew that head of messy curls, that nose, those lips, that bone structure. How could she not when she had spent almost everyday of the last 2 years looking at it.

Out of everyone in the world the last person Y/N had ever expected to be Spider-Man was Peter Parker, but here she was, staring down right at him.

After calming down and assessing the situation she noticed that the suit had kept the water out, which meant he was never in any real danger of drowning, but that the force of the fall had made him pass out.

She quickly retrieved her stuff, putting on her shoes and jacket, thankful that the cool may air was already drying her wet clothes. She then went back to look at Peter, not yet wanting to leave him alone. She sat beside him, looking down at his figure. As creepy as the situation was Y/N was honestly quite concerned for his well being, who knew how long it would take him to wake up.

Some time had gone by, Y/N wasn't sure, she just knew it had been a while due to the position of the sun. She was playing with the grass, being so lost in thought she had started singing a song to herself, something she only did when absolutely alone. It was an old song her mother used to sing to her before she passed. It was a Fleetwood Mac song, Songbird.

Her mom also used to call her that because Y/N loved to sing, but after her death, Y/N stopped singing and after some time she stopped talking, she was already shy enough as is, but after what happened to her mom she became so scared of what people could do she developed social anxiety as well, becoming not only silent, but an outcast as well, someone so shrouded in mystery, people tended to keep their distance.

She came back to the normal world when she heard grunting and some shuffling. She looked down and noticed Peter had woken up and was looking at her. She had gone into such a panic that she was frozen in her spot. She knew she needed to get out of there but her body wasn't responding to what her brain was telling it to do.

"Who-who are you?" Peter asked suddenly, squinting up at her, trying to make out a face against the bright sunlight.

That's when Y/N bolted. She couldn't afford to have Peter know who she was, nor that she had saved him. She went and took cover behind a tree, close enough to see and hear him but not for him to see her.

After a couple of minutes Peter sat up and looked around in confusion, looking at the lake, then down at himself and then in the direction he thought the mysterious girl had gone in. It was then that loud sounds invaded the calm area and next thing either of them knew an Iron man suit was landing beside Peter. Peter quickly stood up as he saw Tony exit the suit.

"What happened kid? I was calmly working in my lab when I got a notification from Karen that you were in trouble."

"I-I don't know Mr.Stark," Peter stuttered, "I was just swinging around and then I hit something and I fell and next thing I know I'm waking up right here with a girl looking down at me."

Tony gave Peter a questioning look, "A girl?"

Peter nodded, "Y-yea she was...she was sitting right beside me, singing this song, I don't know the name, I just know I've heard it, but she saw me wake up and then ran." He explained. "I think she dragged me out of the water, even though I couldn't make out her face because of the sun I could tell her hair was wet."

"I don't know how likely that is Kid, no one comes down this part of the park. I'm pretty sure there's no one even near here."

"I swear Mr.Stark there was a girl! And she saved me."

Tony patted Peter on the shoulder, "last time I checked Mermaids weren't real Kid."

"What?" Peter looked up at Tony confused.

"Saving you from drowning, singing a song, mysteriously disappearing. You sure her name wasn't Ariel?"

"What?" Peter repeated.

Tony rolled his eyes, "You should know this Pete, you're the pop culture expert and last I heard you were on a Disney movie splurge."

It took Peter a moment before he got what Tony was talking about. "Are you talking about the Little Mermaid."

"You probably watched the movie not long ago and the fall probably made you take quite a good hit to the head, so it's very possible you imagined the whole thing, it tends to happen."

"No Mr.Stark, she was real, I swear."

"Yea and I got a date with Ursula the sea witch." Tony fired back, "Now come on I want to take you back to the Tower and see how much brain damage you caused yourself."

Peter only huffed in annoyance before letting his mask cover his face again, and in the blink of an eye both him and Tony were gone. Y/N sighed in relief and came out of her hiding spot.

She was glad she hadn't been caught as she had no idea what she would've done had that happened, and she just hoped Peter would eventually believe Tony in thinking this was all a hallucination he had due to hitting his head upon impact with the water. Things would be different from now on, Peter Parker would no longer be the nerdy boy no one pays attention to.

She has seen him for who he truly is now and she would not forget it.

Part 2??

If you would like to be added to the tags for the story or my general tag list comment or send me a message and I'll ad you to the tag list.

#peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tony stark #avengers masterlist #avengers #avengers imagines #avenegrs x reader #the little mermaid #disney #mcu #marvel imagine #marvel #the little mermaid of manhattan #lunawrites

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joannalannister · 8 years ago

Note

I've seen you reblogging Jon/Dany stuff and I'm curious how likely you think that level of love/romance would be in the coming canon. Even putting aside whatever state Jon is going to be in post-resurrection, I'm not sure their past relationships suggest that each would be the other's type for instant attraction, and I don't know if they'd have time to develop much of a relationship what with the oncoming winter apocalypse. Or is it just a ship people like the idea of but don't expect?

Oh no, I don’t think the all-American, crewcut, boy-next-door Jon Snow we’ve seen in AGOT - ADWD is Dany’s type for instant attraction at all!

Dany’s the type who likes rockstars with wild hair, and the power and danger of a big ol’ Harley-Davidson between her legs. She’s looking for a maverick fighter pilot from Top Gun to ride one of her dragons. She wants a rebel with a cause, not a lost, grieving boy. I don’t think the Jon Snow we know is the type of guy Dany’s looking for!

But Jon Snow died. ;)

In the words of the King, “The person you put up there ain’t the person that comes back. It might look like that person, but it ain’t that person” (Pet Semetary). “Resurrection… ah, there’s a word (that you should put right the fuck out of your mind and you know it).”

GRRM has said that “Death is hard.” It changes a person. Look at the Lightning Lord. Look at Lady Stoneheart. They remember, but they’re not the same people anymore. I think Jon Snow, after spending some time in Ghost, is going to come back wilder. More reckless, more dangerous, more … rockstar. So I think Dany will find Jon very attractive.

(from Jesus Christ Superstar)

(Will TWOW please come out soon, because my ASOIAF / pop culture analogies are getting wilder and wilder.)

So anyways, you can’t just “put aside” Dragonriding Rockstar Jesus Jon Snow and his Resurrection, or his Freefolk Groupies on the tv show, or his tv manbun when considering the potential for Jon/Dany. The resurrection – and the change it will bring – is a big reason why I think Jon/Dany has potential.

So how likely do I think there will be love/romance between Jon/Dany in canon? I’m certain of it. I think Jon and Dany will grow very close as they fight together to save the world, and I think that’s a beautiful thing. I’ll wager money on Jon/Dany falling in love in the books before the end of ADOS; any takers? First come, first served.

I’m not saying there won’t be issues Jon and Dany need to work out, or that they’re just gonna say “Hi” before asking each other to winter prom so they can bang on the backseat of a dragon.

I’m not sure their first meeting will go smoothly, or end well.

I don’t know the lay of the land for this journey GRRM is going to take us on.

But I feel very strongly that our destination is Jon and Dany being in love before the books end. I don’t care how cliched, how trope-y anybody says it is; GRRM loves this trope-y, cliched fantasy shit. (I love it too.)

Do you remember Vaes Tolorro? Dany ate a peach in ruins bleached bone-white by the sun. The juice stained her cheeks as she ate, “so sweet she almost cried.” Vaes Tolorro is one of my favorite places in ASOIAF. It was cut from the tv show, because it wasn’t significant to the plot.

It’s thematic significance is paramount, however. Vaes Tolorro is about life. It’s hope, in the midst of rack and ruin. It’s about standing in the shade of one of those white buildings and looking out at that sun-drenched Red Waste, at that endless sea of death stretching from horizon to horizon, and saying, “Not today. Not to-fucking-day.” It’s a glorious city, even in ruins. It’s defiant. As glorious and defiant as Casterly Rock in its own way, and I can speak no higher praise.

“From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring” and all that jazz about hope and life and rebirth.

To steal the words of Robert Jordan, “Almost dead yesterday, maybe dead tomorrow, but alive, gloriously alive, today.”

That’s what Vaes Tolorro is all about.

That’s part of what ASOIAF is all about: “I’m alive. I’m still here, I’m up against the impossible and I’m still trying, I’m still breathing, I’m still standing, and you’re not going to treat me that way anymore. My life has meaning, my life is valuable, and you’re not going to treat me like a kicked dog. I’m alive. I’m a human being. And don’t you forget it. Because I will prevail.” Whether the “you” is a man as small as Randyll Tarly or a force as big as the Others, it doesn’t matter. To each and every one of them, what do we say?

Not today, motherfucker.

That’s what GRRM is saying when he writes paragraph-long descriptions of food that make your mouth water, and songs to make your heart ache, and yes, love and sex.

Every morsel the characters eat, every voice lifted in song to ask the Gentle Mother for mercy, every “often and unpredictable” kiss … it’s a celebration of life.

And every celebration of life is an act of defiance against the Others who would destroy all life on Terros. Every kindness, every act to humanize one another … it’s a bulwark against the Others. Every time the Tywins and Tarlys and Boltons of the world work to dehumanize another person, they’re aiding the enemy. They’re traitors to life itself.

(I could go on and on about this “celebration of life” for every story GRRM has written, but I’m restraining myself.)

I don’t know what Jon and Dany (and Tyrion) need to do beyond the curtain of light to save the world. But I don’t think it’s something as simple as “We have to put this obsidian rock on the crystal throne” or something like that. I think whatever they have to do will be something more thematically important, something that is a celebration of humanity.

When they go beyond the curtain of light, Jon/Dany is Vaes Tolorro. They’re an oasis of life, surrounded by death in the stronghold of the Others. Intimacy between them is the most life-affirming thing they could do, and that’s what the series is all about.

I’m not saying Jon and Dany are gonna fuck to save the world but … I think Jon and Dany are gonna fuck to save the world. Or at least that’s going to be part of it. I’m not even particularly emotionally invested in this ship (where are the Lannisters?), but a Jon/Dany romance is simply the logical conclusion imo.

“A blue flower grew from a chink in a wall of ice, and filled the air with sweetness… .”

“We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy.”

I think Jon/Dany is something glorious, something transcendent, but it’s also something sad imo, because I think they’ll die doing whatever they have to do.

(Also Tyrion needs to learn to love himself and forgive himself, and I think that’s also a part of saving the world, but that’s not what this post is about.)

******

You mention that you don’t think there’s enough time, but I have a couple things to say to that:

1) GRRM can build a whole world in two paragraphs. Despite the verbosity of ASOIAF, he can tell a whole complete, emotionally-satisfying story in 10 pages. Give him one Dany chapter, and I think we’re good to go.

2) I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I think the place beyond the curtain of light is like the Fairy Realm and we don’t know the rules of such a place. Does time flow faster or slower there? Does time have any meaning at all there? We don’t know. If precisely nine months have to pass “under the Fairy Hill” while 9 minutes pass battling wights at Winterfell to make whatever needs to happen happen, then that’s what GRRM is gonna do. *shrug* We don’t know the rules. The rules of such a place are whatever GRRM will make them.

So I would say that there’s however much time GRRM needs to tell Jon and Dany’s story.

As I’ve said elsewhere, I think the Iron Throne is going to be melted down, I think Jon and Dany are both going to die while saving the world (I will put money down on Dany dying, at the very least), and I think the Seven Kingdoms are going to break apart into separate kingdoms.

So I don’t think we need to worry about the “Afterward” for a Jon/Dany romance. It’s like if Frodo died in the lava when Barad-dûr collapsed in the movies. idk how it will play out tho in ASOIAF. Maybe after the “Fairy Hill” of the Others’ “collapses” for lack of a better term about what’s going to happen there, it spits mortally wounded Jon, Dany, and Tyrion out at a place of power, like the God’s Eye, idk, maybe it will be like GRRM’s Laren Dorr story. Anyways, maybe nine months have passed in the “Fairy Hill” while only a day has passed in Westeros, and Dany gives birth to a child before dying? Really, I don’t know, this is just me throwing wild suggestions out there. If GRRM really does make them have a kid, I definitely think both Jon and Dany are dying, but I’m really not sure if there is a Jon/Dany child in store in ASOIAF.

I feel certain that Jon, Dany, and their potential kiddos are not going to be ruling Westeros in endgame. (I’ll put money on that one too. I’m gonna be rich as a Lannister if anybody wants to take me up here.) Any cute Jon/Dany+kids art/gifs I reblog is purely because I think it looks like a sweet and fluffy AU totally unlike anything GRRM will do. I really, really don’t think we’re ever gonna see any Jon/Dany family time, either together or one of them as a single-parent. (That’s what fanfic is for, friends.)

******

I could use this space to make a list and give you quotes to “prove” that “Jon likes THIS quality in a woman and THIS quality and THIS one” and then I could give you quotes proving how Dany possesses those qualities

but

1) I honestly don’t care. I’m mostly here for ASOIAF themes, and when I shake my magic 8-ball of ASOIAF themes and ask it, “Will Jon and Dany fall in love and bang?” it returns an answer of “Outlook Good.”

2) GRRM is gonna change Jon to fit this, whether it’s the resurrection, or spending 40 days and nights in the deserts of Dorne, or whatever the fuck else is happening in twow

3) Jon’s headspace is not one I prefer to spend time in.

4) plenty of other people have probably already made such a list. (Feel free to link me, people!) Lots of people are way more emotionally invested in Jon/Dany, so if such a list isn’t already out there, I’m sure someone will write it.

What I will use this space for is to mention GRRM’s short story The Way of Cross and Dragon. Because GRRM literally wrote and published a Bible AU with dragons and Judas in love with Jesus, let’s not forget that while considering Jon/Dany and the betrayal for love, I’m not even joking.

because Judas had loved Him so, Christ gave him a boon, an extended life […]. Once Dragon-King, once the friend of Christ, now he became only a blind traveler, outcast and friendless, wandering all the cold roads of the earth […]

And Peter, the first Pope and ever his enemy, spread far and wide the tale of how Judas had sold Christ for thirty pieces of silver, until Judas dared not even use his true name. […]

Christ promised that He would permit a few to remember who and what Judas had been, and that with the passage of centuries the news would spread, until finally Peter’s Lie was displaced and forgotten.

GRRM says he is a “recycler” of stories, and I’m interested to see what GRRM is going to do with Jon/Dany. I like the idea of it, and I’m totally expecting it to become canon during the apocalypse.

tbh this makes me sound more interested than I am, when in reality it’s like, I’m interested in Jon/Dany simply because I’m interested in the ending of ASOIAF. Because “Jon/Dany” and “ending” are synonymous in my mind.

But I would literally forgo ADOS in exchange for more information about Casterly Rock and House Lannister. (A large amount of information, but still.) House Lannister for life, what can I say?

#someone give me ASOIAF: The Musical #a traditionally animated version #charlie dance can sing ''Be Prepared'' from Lion King; i wont mind #mzyraj #replies #lannister thoughts #jon x dany #dany x jon #vaes tolorro #the meaning of asoiaf #istg if wankers find this post i will block everyone #i honestly don't care about anyone else's opinion here #and this is like a posted no trespassing sign: ''i am not asking for anyone else's opinion here''#jon snow #daenerys targaryen #endgame #the war for the dawn #the way of cross and dragon #jdmeta

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