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writing-and-all-that-jazz · 6 years

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Izuku and Bakugo vs. Villain

I want to practice writing fight scenes and since I’m obsessed with BNHA right now and soft Bakugo. Here’s an indulgent fic.

It was becoming a grueling fight. Sweat dripped down Deku’s face as he pressed his back against the wall. He surveyed the area hoping he could put together a miraculous plan of victory or escape. Rubble of decimated buildings laid on top of upheaved roads. Tiny fires started to jump to nearby buildings and he could see heroes scrambling to put it out. Calling for help would be useless as one, they wouldn't make it in time and two, the villains used a force field quirk to keep them in the confined area.

“Where are you, little bunnies? Come out, come out, wherever you are?” A sharp tooth grinned covered the villain’s face. Blood dripped from the blades the villain was carrying. She brings the blade to her lips and joyfully licks the blood off. “Tangy, I wonder what your blood will taste like, little bunnies?”

Deku pressed himself against the building. He needed to formulate a plan before he could go out to face her. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a glint of silver in the alleyway across from him. Kacchan was crouched low to ground like a lion poised to pounce on its prey. Deku tried to signal to him that he should not do anything yet. Kacchan throws him the bird and within seconds, the alleyway lights up brightly as Kacchan blasts into the air. The villain immediately twirled to face the explosion.

“Found one little bunny!” She yelled joyfully.

Deku watched in amazement as Kacchan descends from the sky at breakneck speeds, aiming his body straight at the villain. The villain watched, a smile still plastered on her face. At the point of collision, the explosion was so bright that Deku needed to turn his head away from that moment. When he felt his eyesight returning to him, he opened his eyes and took in the scene. The villain’s force field took the brunt of the impact. At the point of contact, little fissures spread like wildfire across the surface of the field. That’s it! Deku felt his thoughts race a mile a minute.

Before the force field seemed indestructible, as it withstood both his and Kacchan’s attacks easily. The force field can only take a certain amount of damage before it’s destroyed. It seemed very similar to how villains in video games had HP bars. Kacchan jumped back to avoid both of the blades.

“Looks like your damn shields that you are so proud of aren’t really all that strong.” Kacchan smirks and forms a fist with his hand. “Die!”

The villain dodged his punch at the knick of time and used her force field to push back against Kacchan sending him flying towards a building. At the last minute, Deku heard an explosion and Deku assumed Kacchan used a small explosion to slow himself down before the point of contact. The villain grinned menacingly and Deku watched in horror as the force field began repairing itself.

If this battle continues, then both he and Kacchan will lose. Both he and Kacchan have been fighting for quite some time and he knew that they are reaching the limit of their quirks. Deku cannot let her repair that force field. Deku took a deep breath and allowed the power of One for All to flow through his body. He could almost feel the sparks of energy flying from his body. Before he wasted any more time, Deku charged at the villain.

“There’s the other bunny!” She laughs maniacally.

The villain tried a stab at him and he rolled to the right. Using his momentum, Deku pushed all his energy to his legs and launched himself at the villain’s blindspot. Caught off-guard, the villain unconsciously put up her field as he punched it. More cracks appeared along the bubble and the villain looked furious. Deku jumped backward as she slashed at him, nicking his arm. Blood slid down his costume mixing with the sweat. He took a couple of seconds to catch his breath and then he went to jump at it again.

The villain expanded her barrier and Deku felt like he smashed into a wall. With a yell, she expands the barrier upwards forming a mushroom. Deku pushed off against the wall to get away, but it was a moment too late. The barrier crashed down on him. He smacked against the ground making a deafening crack against the asphalt. He didn’t even have time to scream. He couldn’t breathe. Half of his body was under the barrier, unable to move or feel. He couldn’t think as he started to choke on his own blood. She applied more force onto him and he screamed. His bones creaked and he felt like a balloon about to pop.

Suddenly, he could breathe again and the pressure was gone from his body. He gulped for breath desperately. Someone landed right next to him.

“Get the fuck up, Deku!”

“Keep your eyes on me, little bunny!” Kacchan parries the blades with the large grenades on his arms.

Deku gritted his teeth and tried to pull his body up. He nearly whited out in pain. He gasped for breath, taking a few moments to process the pain. He knew he can’t stay down for long. He prepared himself for the pain and stood up. Fire raced up his legs and his body nearly crumpled to the ground. He bit the bottom of his lip to stop from screaming. He could taste the copper. Taking another deep breath, he surveyed the scene.

There was a slight lull in the battle as both Kacchan and the villain were trying to catch their breath. Kacchan was hunched over, wiping the blood from his mouth. Deku noticed Kachhan’s arm twitching minutely. Kacchan won’t last for much longer against the villain. The villain didn’t fare much better, there were more cracks in the barrier than before, no doubt from Kacchan’s relentless attacks. Her attention was focused on Kacchan, so she hasn’t noticed that Deku had gotten back up. This was his chance for both Kacchan and him to counterattack. When Kacchan launched himself towards the villain, Deku braced himself and did the same.

The villain moved towards the right to get out of the way of Kacchan’s explosion and right into Deku’s kick. Swinging his body to bring the most force possible into his kick, Deku’s foot collided with the barrier. The cracks spread like wildfire and he could hear the barrier shatter like glass. The villain’s face was filled with shock before outrage filled it. She swung her sword at Deku. Deku knew he couldn’t jump out of the way. This wasn’t how he wanted to die. Time slowed down, before the sword could reach him, a blur crashed into her and knocked her out of the way. Deku skidded against the road and his skin scraping against sandpaper.

Kacchan had saved him. Although to be truthful, it was probably a side effect of his need to win against the villain. Regardless, he felt immensely grateful. The outer force field begins to dissipate, so he knew that the villain must be unconscious now. A sigh of relief escaped him. It’s over. Exhaustion settled over his body and the entire lower half of his body was numb. That… that probably wasn’t good. He couldn’t seem to focus on the scene before him. Someone approached him.

“Pathetic, you couldn’t even win against a second rate villain like that. How could you ever be number 1?” He hears Kacchan say. Deku opened up his eyes and scowled up at Kacchan.

“Y-You’re barely standing at all, yourself, Kacchan.” Kacchan tsked at his statement.

“At least, I’m still fucking standing.”

“I landed the hit that destroyed her barrier.”

“I landed the hit that knocked her out. What’s your point, shithead?” Deku couldn’t even find the energy to fight him. His eyes started to close. “Hey shithead, don’t fucking fall asleep on me.”

It’s not like he could stop it. He just felt so tired.

All around Izuku was darkness and silence. His body was incorperal, wading through the darkness. Weightlessly floating, he was at peace. There was no pain, no feeling, no anything. Just his mere existence in an endless sea of quiet darkness. He knew not how long he floated in that sea, but he could feel a slight disturbance around him. Whispers started to the left of him, far away, but slowly inching closer. They grew louder and louder, until he was surrounded by their voices. It sounded like the voices of the previous One for All users, colliding and resounding off one another. He couldn’t make out the words, but he knew what they wanted. This was not where their story would end, and they asked him to indulge them a little longer. Izuku contemplated his answer. Obliging the voices would mean leaving the serene peace, but they were quite insistent and persuasive. Maybe jumping once more into the chaotic, unknown world would offer something better than the quiet.

“Wh… ….s th… f...cking… id...ot… going to wake up? Rival, my fucking ass.” Was that… Kacchan?

“Bakugo, my boy, you should focus on your own recovery instead of Midoriya’s.” All Might said in a deep, calming tone.

“Shut the fuck up, old man. What the hell do you know?”

“Bakugo, I know you must be tired. You did carry Midoriya back from the battlefield with your injuries.”

Izuku made a noise of surprise cutting off Bakugo’s reply. He heard rustling and a presence sat down next to him. He opened his eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the light. The lower half of his body ached and throbbed.

“How are you feeling, Midoriya, my boy?” Concern plastered across All Might’s face.

“Everything… hurts…” All Might brushed the bangs away from his sweaty brow.

“I’m sorry that I can’t help you…” Izuku smacked All Might’s shoulder weakly.

“All Might, you’ve already helped... more than you could ever know.” All Might’s shoulders sagged and he sighed.

“I can only hope, but as your mentor, I urge you to stop landing yourself in the hospital and giving everyone a heart attack.” All Might turns to Kacchan. “You too, Bakugo.”

“Whatever. Like I can control when a villain attacks.” Kacchan sneered and turned away from All Might. Right before Kacchan turned, Izuku noticed a small smile on his lips.

“What… What happened to the villain?” Izuku asked.

“The Enforcer? She’s been apprehended thanks to you both.”

Suddenly, the door to the hospital room burst open. Kirishima and the rest of class 1-A rushed in through the door. Twenty worried faces plus concerned parents filled the hospital room. Izuku gave the room a tired smile. He knew that both he and Kacchan were going to be just fine.

#writing #fanfic #bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #katsuki bakugou #bnha bakugou #mha bakugou #midoriya izuku #deku #bnha izuku #bnha deku #fight scene #soft bakugo #dadmight #class 1a

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metallikca · 7 years

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Ich bin nur Menschlich (I'm only human)

(@shotgunintheimpala)

Prompt: Christina Perri's Human

For Esther's 150 Followers challenge that I'm rly late for and I'm sorry but life went hectic and its so hard for me to write when I'm stressed

A/N: Set in 2045, Dean/66 Sam/62, Cas has been human for 25 years and lives with Charlie.

Additional A/N: My fic is based off of the song, rather than containing the song, because I find it really hard to incorperate songs in my writing.

Wasser (Water)

Surrounding Castiel, simply water, it’s Bläue lost on his eyes, instead the light shone red through lids closed over irises made of sky.

Holding his breath, he swam, his strong body taking the strain with ease. He emerged from the water at the edge of the pool, cool marble chilling his hands as he used them to propel himself up out of the water.

“Cas!” he heard a feminine voice call from the kitchen, His roommate, Charlie, hung out of the window. The redheaded woman was holding a phone, presumably his, and waving it out the window at him.

“Answer it, Charlie.” He replied, grabbing a towel. “I’ll be a minute.” He threw the towel over his head and quickly dried off, leaving the damp towel around his shoulders as he walked in through the patio. He looked at Charlie expectantly, who held his emerald green Samsung to her ear. She held it out, “Claire.”, she spoke dully, and Cas wondered whether this would be good or bad.

He hadn’t heard from Claire in over 2 years, she had been living in Toronto with her boyfriend and busy hunting with the Canadian branch of the Winchester Letters Initiative, a re-creation of the years-gone “Men of Letters” (which now included many talented Female hunters.).

Originally based in Kansas, the Winchester brothers re-created the Men of Letters, making it a mix between what they were and what the Men of Letters wanted to be, and allowing any hunter of any gender to join the collective, and be permitted to utilize the Bunker’s library, holding key information on all monsters across America. Often times Hunters came into the Bunker when they got hurt or needed a place to lay low, the countless rooms in the space provided a “Hotel” of sorts for them.

He took the phone and pressed it to his ear, holding it with his shoulder as he strode into the kitchen. “Claire.” He grabbed a glass from the cabinet, “What’s going on?” he turned the handle on the sink and the faucet started to pour cool water into his glass, as he listened to Claire he turned the faucet off, slowly placing the glass on the counter without drinking any of the water. He leaned against the counter, in the pit of his stomach he felt a knot, and in his chest he felt pain. Even after years of being human, he never quite got used to this feeling.

“Dad.. I....I'm so sorry." Claire’s voice fell flat on Castiel’s ears.

Grief, like waves from the Ocean, pummeled against him as if he was the shore, he felt as if he might collapse, but some part of him was too stubborn to let his body fail. The phone went dead and he laid it quietly on the counter. Charlie stood in the doorway, a concerned look had appeared over her usually happy features,

“I’m so sorry, Cas.” Charlie spoke, walking forward into the room.

“I…” Cas breathed in deeply. “I knew it was coming.” he spoke as if it might make him feel better to say it, but it didn’t. There was no peace.

He walked out of the room and into his bedroom, locking the door behind him. He leaned against it, sliding down to the floor. He held his head in his hands and silent sobs began to make his body shake. After a long while he stood, crossing the room to his dresser, and pulled out a small box. He closed his eyes briefly, mentally preparing to face the reality Claire had told him. He opened the box softly, the light from the last of the evening sun illuminating shiny photographs, each one carefully labelled at the bottom. Cas picked up the first photo, with a black car, a man with green eyes was holding out a beer to the photographer, smiling widely. Surrounding them were trees in shades of red, orange and yellow. Underneath the photo a label read: Dean and Baby, October of 2020.

Castiel gently placed the photo on the table beside his bed, flicking on the lamp. He sat and continued looking through the photos, not noticing his crying until a drop landed on a photo of Him with Dean, Sam with his wife Eileen, and Charlie, each dressed as a different Scooby Doo character, titled The Scooby Gang, Halloween 2023.

Cas wiped the tear off of the photo, setting the box on the table he stood, trying not to cry. His best friends for years, the men who had saved him countless times, were gone.

‘Sam and Dean are dead.’

Thinking the words caused Cas’ emotions to overflow. He had seen Sam and Dean die over a dozen times and come back, but he knew, this time it was for real. He knew by how Claire said it, from the fact that she didn’t speak of any ideas to bring them back “this time”, or even tell him how they lost their lives. This time, was the last one, the last death for the brothers who had saved the world more times than anyone else could handle. He dropped to the floor and felt a rush of relief as his consciousness faded.

Hours later, Cas’ eyes open, looking around he notices that Charlie had gotten him onto his bed. Beside him on the table was a glass of water.

The box of photos had disappeared, he looked around systematically until he spotted the box sitting on the dresser, closed. He moved and felt something on his forehead, and removed what turned out to be a washcloth, damp with cool water.

He sat up only to feel a jarring pain in his head, and instantly grabbed the glass and the pill he noticed beside it, swallowing the pill followed with the water.

He moved the blanket off of his legs and swung them over the edge of the bed, wiggling his toes, encased in bumblebee socks peeking out from pajamas Charlie must have put on him while he was unconscious. He smiled gently, appreciating his roommate’s consideration and empathy.

He emerged to a semi-dark apartment, Charlie had gone to bed and night had long fallen over the city. The only light came from streetlights shining their light through the cracks in the curtains. He wandered to the window, pulling the curtain and gazing out into the artificially lit streets of Kansas City absently. The vast buildings made him feel safe, somehow, even knowing the monsters that lurked the streets.

He sighed as he turned from the window, and stood for a moment to let his eyes adjust as the curtain made the room dark, once more settling into place, shutting out the rest of the world. Shutting out the world that now seemed bleaker, knowing the Winchester Brothers were gone from it. He thought about how he would deal with this, he allowed his systematic Angel logic kick in. He thought that he might need counseling, that he might need help before their cremation. He knew they’d go like the hunters they were, burned on the pyre as generations of hunters had been. “The most honorable way to go,” Dean had once said, but now Cas wasn’t so sure he agreed. He wasn’t sure he could watch as his two brothers left this Earth for good, and he suddenly wondered where their souls went. Did they go to Hell, like so many Monsters undoubtedly promised? Did they go to Heaven, even though the Angels couldn’t care less about them? Did they get thrown in Purgatory, or the Void? His curiosity faded as quickly as it came, leaving behind a awfully large lump in his throat, which caused him to decide he needed an infusion.

He stepped into the kitchen, trailing his fingertips over the marble counter-tops. He loved this apartment, he loved the sleek kitchen appliances, the marble, the white carpet. He loved living with Charlie, too, because there would never be a day they’d be anything more than friends, and he decided a long time ago he didn’t want any more than friends. He may be human now, but his Angel instincts still made him wary of giving his heart to anyone, especially with past experiences in mind. He thought of Dean, and how they had such strong, undeniable Chemistry. An instant connection, he had thought it was love, and so had Dean. But it wasn’t. And even though Dean had moved on, Cas wasn’t sure exactly what held him back from loving anyone else. He knew he wasn’t in love with Dean, but nobody else could understand him, nobody else knew him the way Dean did and that made everyone else incapable of really being able to be with him.

He remembered back to Dean’s first marriage. A lovely young woman named Jo, if he remembered correctly, which of course he always did. That didn’t last long, but as far as he knew they stayed friends throughout the rest of Dean’s life. He wondered if the lady was still living, if she knew, if she cared. He moved on to Dean’s second marriage. She wasn’t a hunter, like Jo had been. She wasn’t even someone who was involved in this life at all. Her name was Sinead. She was brunette, built tall and broad-shouldered for a woman, soft personality, too. The total opposite of Jo. Her soft Irish accent made everyone in the room calm, and her music made everyone feel like they should be meditating. With Sinead, Dean had found love. Maybe not true love, maybe not his one-and-only, but certainly a wonderful love that made him happy until his dying day.

*screeeeeee* the tea kettle whistled, bringing Cas out of his reverie. He poured the hot water into his cup, watching the liquid pull the red colour out of the infusion, he breathed in, the scent of apple and cinnamon filled his nostrils and made him smile. He grabbed the honey jar out of the cabinet and smiled at the comb that was sitting at the bottom of the Jar. He poured honey in and stirred it, and put everything away before returning to the living room. He clicked on a lamp, and sat next to it on the recliner he usually occupied. Sipping his tea he thought of Sam, and how Sam had believed in him no matter what. Sam had always been like a brother, albeit a bit like an older brother, which Cas had plenty of with the Angels, but Sam was different. Sam understood, and when he didn’t, he listened. He always allowed Cas to finish his stories before adding feedback, unlike Dean who would cut in any time he had a thought. Sam was a genuinely good soul.

Cas thought of Eileen, Sam’s wife, and their three children, Dean, affectionately called “Dean 2.0” by the family, Bobby, and Ella. Dean 2.0 was the oldest, though luckily he wasn’t exactly like his Uncle. Instead he was more like his mother, caring and understanding but with a bite if he was crossed. He grew up to be a wonderful hunter, as did his siblings. Bobby and Ella, the younger two, were fraternal twins. Ella looked just like her mother, while Bobby looked more like Sam, built tall, they both exceeded their mother’s height as adults, much to her annoyance. “I’ve got a house full of moose!” she’d sign, smiling as she shook her head at her family. She could never really be annoyed with them, and Cas couldn’t honestly think of a family he knew of that loved each other more than them.

The clock chimed, signaling the end of another hour, and indeed, another day.

Cas debated whether he should try to sleep again, deciding to watch TV and finish his drink and then go back to bed, but before he knew it dawn’s light was shining in through the cracks in the curtains, illuminating the room in a soft glow. He sighed, running a hand through semi-long locks. He stood and stretched, empty mug hanging from one finger. He walked into the kitchen, cleaned his mug and got coffee on to brew for Charlie. He yawned, checked his watch and then proceeded to groan. 05:00. The worst time, in his opinion, to ever be awake. He didn’t have to work for hours.

‘maybe I should try to sleep,’ He thought absently to himself, yawning again. “I don’t think I can, at this point…” He spoke aloud, he had a habit or responding to himself. Stretching again, he tried to shake the stiffness out of his limbs.

He heard the coffee’s “Finished brewing” signal and returned to the kitchen, grabbing a mug and filling it with the hot brew. He heard a door open and Charlie emerged from her room, looking disheveled. She raised her nose and breathed in, a small smile forming on her face. “You made coffee?” She asked rhetorically, and Cas nodded. He held out a mug for her and she poured coffee into it, taking it from him to add the cream and sugar.

“Did you sleep?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. He knew he must look terrible.

“No.” He responded, furrowing his brow. “Well. I might have. I lost track of time at one point…” He added, thinking back to this morning, and wondering where the time had gone.

“When is the…thing?” He asked, not able to voice the burning he knew would happen.

“I…’m not sure.” Charlie responded, “Claire didn’t say anything to me. I figured she’d tell you.” She frowned, taking another sip.

“Alright.. Well I’ll call Eileen, I guess, and ask her that when I see how she is doing.” He took out his phone, but when the screen lit up to show time had only gone fifteen minutes, he set it back down. “Later. I’ll call her later. I’m sure her and the kids don’t want anyone bothering them before nine, at least.”

Charlie chuckled quietly, “You’re probably right.” She took another drink of her coffee and wandered out of the kitchen, Cas listened as her door shut, and Cas left to go to work.

The day dragged on, and Cas realized somewhere through it that he had somehow forgotten to call Eileen. He took a break and dialed her number, taking a deep breath as it rang.

"Dean Winchester," Cas squeezed his eyes closed, "Winchester Letters Initiative headquarters. What can I do for you?" The boy answered formally.

"Hey-uh-Dean." Cas muttered into the phone,

"Oh... hey Uncle Cas." The boy replied,

"Uh.. Dean... when is the.. the um.." Cas swallowed, trying to get his words out past the lump in his throat.

"The memorial?" Dean spoke softly, and Cas felt his eyes burn with tears.

"Y..ye..ah." Cas managed, feeling out of breath.

"It's in a week," Dean replied, "At the bunker. Everyone will be there."

Cas nodded to himself, taking another breath, "Alright. Charlie and I will be there. I have to get back to work now, tell the family Charlie and I love them."

"Will do. Love you, Uncle Cas."

Cas hung up, and slowly slid the phone into his pocket. The cold stone behind him was soothing, giving him a slight feeling of support.

~~~

The week went by, somehow fast and slow at the same time. Cas didn't think he could ever prepare himself.

Suddenly the day to leave was upon him, he packed enough for several days and joined Charlie at the door, clicking the autostart button on his truck keys. The engine revved to life outside as Cas locked the door behind him. Charlie slid into the passenger seat as Cas took the drivers seat, squeezing the steering wheel tightly before releasing it and shifting into drive.

The drive was long, and Cas had a hard time not thinking of all those memories of the boys.

Finally they arrived. Cas stepped out of the truck, grabbing his suitcase out of the back seat, and quickly strode up to the door. He felt a chill as he placed his hand on the door handle, turning it slowly and swinging the door open. The warm light of the hall illuminated his tired face, and as he walked down the steps into the main area he felt flooded with bittersweet memories. He could see Dean and Sam in his mind's eye, sitting at the tables, researching for one of their countless hunts. But the memory faded quickly as it had come, and he rubbed his arms as the chill came back.

Eileen and the kids were waiting for them in the media room. The kids were watching a movie and Eileen was crocheting. She set down the yarn in her hands and got up, giving them both big hugs, and the kids followed suit.

Then Eileen, sitting once more, took a breath, and began to sign, telling Cas how the boys died, and that they were so glad he and Charlie were there with them, that it was always good to have more family around. Tears began to flow from her eyes and she dropped her hands into her lap, looking down. At that moment Cas knew how hard she was taking the loss, so he pulled her close to him and hugged her. He knew he couldn't compare to Sam, but she needed something. He felt arms curving around him and Eileen, and glanced up to see Dean, Bobby, and Ella, half hugging him and half hugging their mother. All with tears streaming down their young faces. Charlie joined in and for awhile the group of them stayed that way, taking comfort in each other.

They stayed up late that night, telling stories of the men they knew and loved, laughing, crying, grieving, and just a bit, healing.

The next morning brought sunshine, they donned their black clothing and stepped outside into the bright light, the warmth drying their tears.

They spent the morning setting things up. The bunker needed seating for everyone who was attending the memorial later that evening. Before that, privately, would be the burning. The pyres were already set up, and Cas and Dean took the job of readying the boys for it. They cried, unashamed of their sorrow, throughout the whole process.

The burning itself went by quickly, and everyone involved was relieved as the last of the embers died out, for they weren't sure they could stand there much longer remembering.

As they shuffled inside, the first of their guests for the memorial arrived, a loud knock sounding on the door.

On the other side stood a very awkward Crowley, dressed in his usual black suit, with a black tie. Behind him stood his mother Rowena, looking equally as awkward.

"Come in." Dean gestured, eyeing them slightly.

"We're... so sor'y for yer loss." The redheaded witch offered politely, and Eileen gestured "thank you." She guided them to the main area of the bunker, in which sat dozens of seats and a table with a projector for photos and videos. Cas had packed his photos when he left, and now they sat neatly by the projector with a photo scanner beside them.

Many people arrived after that, Claire, Patience, Jody, Donna, Jack, Chuck, And many more arrived to say their goodbyes to the Winchester brothers who saved the world several times over.

A few hours past, they all ate dinner and had pie, and when everyone was finished they said their own goodbyes and eventually Dean, Bobby, Ella, Eileen, Cas, and Charlie were alone once more.

Cas and Charlie stayed for one week afterward, helping with anything they could. Eventually they too, went home, but not before both insisting Eileen call them if they needed anything.

Additional A/N: If you want the addition of how the boys died, send me an ask-I couldn't find a good way to put it in.

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lullabysongs · 8 years

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3/19/17 I've been slowly trying to take better care of myself, especially my very fragile mental health that ive struggled with extremely in the last several years. Last year was really bad. It was the worst i had ever been. I was in a constant state of being manic, depressed, or (for what seemed like majority of the year) in a horrible mixed state of both. I stopped caring about myself, and i stopped caring about the people around me. I strained some very important relationships with people i hold dear. It was so bad last year, I tried to kill myself, twice. I was hospitalized, twice. Even when i knew i needed help and i knew needed change, i just felt so worthless and beaten i wouldnt even bother trying. I am extremely blessed with such a strong support group. I lost my car, i lost my job, i was partying too hard every weekend and blowing my money on drugs and alcohol. And the people that love me never gave up or faltered. I was never, ever, put down by any them for anything. Instead, i was taken cared of. I was given rides to and from appointments so i wouldnt be discouraged to go. I was given a safe place to sleep at night when i didnt feel safe by myself. I was given company so i wouldnt feel alone, and an ear to call when things got out of control. On more than just a few occasions, i was given their last penny so i could get any essentials that i needed. I was constantly reminded to do simple tasks to take care of myself, like shower and eat and sleep, because i would forget. I was given soft encouragement to do better, at a pace that i could handle, that never came with a demand to BE better. I was constantly reminded that i was loved no matter what. Somewhere along the course of (very late) last year, i was miraculously given my courage back. I found the courage to try again. I suddenly felt hopeful. I felt the need to give back to everyone who has been so patient and has given so much to me. And the only way i can do that, is to get better and be the best that i can be. I found the courage to be better, for myself, because i owe it to myself to try. Right before 2017, i made a promise to myself that i would try. I told myself to stop focusing on being "cured" and being "happy". I did not need to be better. I just had to do better. I promised myself i would take very small steps that would make me feel proud and accomplished. I told myself not to focus on the things going wrong, because there will ALWAYS be things in life to be dissatisfied about. I promised myself that, even if it didnt seem like it right away or when i still felt defeated, i would attempt to look at every single step as a victory. I am very proud to say that, so far, i have held to these promises and i am doing very well. I havent missed a single doctors appointment, (even though they seem repetative because i have them multiple times a week, and a lot of times they get in the way of work.) I have been extremely dillagent about taking my meds (every single one, every single day), even when it makes me feel really sick and not like myself. I have been on top of making sure my meds are always refilled, instead of letting them run out and waiting until my next appointment to get them refilled. I motivate myself to be my best at work and to do all that i can, every day; even if i dislike my job for various reasons, or when i dont feel my best, my customers still deserve the best. I am slowly beginning to look for a better job that will make me feel more fulfilled, and convincing myself not to stay at a job i dont like just because its 'easy' and secure. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with my family, trying to find a balance between helping them with everything that i can, and allowing myself to realize i can not do everything; i can not control what happens in their lives, and i should not feel guilty for not being able to fix everything for them. I remember to remind myself that just because something unfortunate happens that i cant fix, that does not make me a bad daughter/sister/friend/person, and not being able to fix their troubles does not mean i am worthless. More recently (in the last month), i began to reorganize my finances and began taking charge of my bills. Starting at the beginning of next month, i will have all of my bills caught up, and i have organized my direct deposits in a way so that i will (hopefully) not have to stress over whether or not they'll get paid on time for the months going forward. About two and a half weeks ago, i told myself to be a little more aware of where my money was going, and i saw that a lot of my money was going toward fast food and snacks after work, daily energy drinks, and cigs. Since then i bought a french press and a vape. I wake up an hour earlier than i used to, and i make coffee for my bf and i. I eat a good breakfast in the morning so im not so hungry during and after work, and ive stuck to eating most of my meals at home. I started bringing a water bottle to work now so im not so tempted to spend money on other drinks through out the day. I have just completed my first whole week without a single cigarette (saving up to $30 this week on that expense alone)! I am so extremely proud of myself for every one of these accomplishments. I am proud of myself for setting small goals and sticking to them. As for my next small step: I just started to write shopping lists for myself; things i need immediately (to buy during the week), things i will need soon (within the next couple of weeks), and another list of things that i want, that would make me feel better or make my life easier, but can wait until after all the more immediate stuff is taken cared of. I am a BIG spontaneous spender, especially when emotional, and i want to work on that because constantly running out of money for the important things sucks. I also began writing out all of my long term goals, and am working on creating small steps toward each thing, so i dont lose focus. Over the last few weekends, i have been making sure i complete a set of chores every sunday (mostly just laundry and tidying to the room up) so that i start off the following week feeling productive and renewed. Today is the 3rd consecutive sunday, and i hope to continue this until it becomes a set habit. I have a small goal of stretching for 5 minutes everyday, in hopes that it makes me feel less sluggish and stiff. My original goal was to incorperate this into my morning routine, but i would often miss it, and i would feel guilty for it. So i changed the goal for now, and i am encouraging myself to do this everyday, whenever i have to time. We are only slightly past the halfway point of march. I know this doesnt seem like a long time for most people, but for me, it seems like a miracle. This is the longest and most stable ive felt in years. This is the longest ive felt hopeful, motivated, and confident in myself. A year ago, i thought id be dead by now. And for the first time since the 7th grade, i dont find myself wishing for it. I dont find that ideation in the back of my brain. And I finally feel that im going to be okay.

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jessicaruth90-blog · 8 years

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Follow my blog with Bloglovin Four week Post Partum update! I was technically four weeks post partum on Wednesday, unfotunately Rafe did not think it appropriate to give me the time to write a blog post until now. It's strange to think it was over four weeks ago that I was in the throes of labour, cursing my partner and thanking God for the invention of the Epidural! I ended up having an assisted birth involving an episiotomy (ouch) and forceps (it's all on my labour and delivery story) and this is how I have found the recovery so far. This post may be a little TMI for some readers. Unsurprisingly week one post partum was horrible...HORRIBLE! The stitches were so painful, I couldn't sit down unless it was on one of those travel neck pillows (resourceful) and I was taking constant painkillers for the entire week...and walking around like John Wayne. To make matters worse I had a bloody cold and I was completely exhausted. (I used the one night that I actually spent in hospital to sit and stare at my new baby...not wise I should have slept!) Luckily by week two and with the help of (diluted) tea tree oil and distilled witch hazel the stitches healed fairly quickly and with no infection. In hindsight I don't think I should have left hospital the day after giving birth and another night there with the help of experienced midwives probably would have been beneficial. My uterus contracted really quickly and my stomach, although far from flat, is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I have been breastfeeding and I think that has really helped, you can actually feel your uterus contracting as you feed in the first few days after birth. I have barely had any bleeding post partum, potentially due to the fact that I lost 1.2litres during childbirth, I don't think my body felt it could afford to lose anymore. I was prescribed Ferrous Sulphate 200mg tablets from the hospital but I have to admit I only took them for a few days before switching to Floradix liquid which is a little gentler on the system and easier to absorb. It is also safe to take whilst breastfeeding. I began exercising again two weeks post partum. I have not had a post natal checkup at the doctors and I am definitely not recommending that everyone starts working out this soon after having a baby. But I feel like a know my body well enough to know what it's capable of and I worked out before and during my pregnancy (up until the morning of the day my waters broke) so it is well used to it. I started using the 'Bodyfit by Amy' post natal workouts which can be found on YouTube. By three weeks post birth I was back doing my own workouts and incorperating slightly heavier weights and kettlebells but not pushing myself too much. I do think I have some mild diastasis recti so I am avoiding any crunches or conventional ab exercising and using workouts on YouTube specially designed to help repair this. In terms of weight loss I weighed 123lbs when I actually got pregnant and by the end of the pregnancy I weighed 146lb so I gained 23lbs altogether. Week one post birth I weighed in at 132lb and I am now at 130lb. I have 7lb to go until I am back to my pre baby weight but because I want to focus my workouts more on toning and muscle gain I am not to worried about the number on the scale anymore. I think initially breastfeeding really helped me lose some weight and quickly BUT I also think it made me complacent. I tended to rely on it and ate a fair amount of junk and sweet treats over Christmas, which has meant I am no longer losing any pounds just maintaining. I am planning on starting to eat a lot cleaner and cutting out refined sugar in the coming weeks, more for general health and well being than weight loss. Mentally week one was a struggle simply because of lack of sleep, hormones and having no idea what to do with my crying baby. Bursting into tears was commonplace and I felt like I had a very bad bout of PMT. I missed having a bump aswell. So weird. I spent nearly my entire pregnancy moaning about it and then when it was gone I actually missed feeling the kicks and hiccups. I was feeling more like myself by week two but the lack of sleep can be very hard. Particuarly in the early days when you aren't used to it. With a newborn I find you have good days and nights and bad days and nights. Sometimes I can get the house clean, get a workout in and have a delicious (okay edible) meal prepared for Richard when he gets home from work...other days it gets to 4pm and I still haven't managed to shower let alone dust. I feel very lucky at how well my body seems to have healed and recovered. I think that a lot of this is down to the fact that I remained active in pregnancy and also ate really healthily. It did help that I completely went off anything sweet while pregnant and I craved thing like steak, tomatoes and mushrooms...oh and salt and vinegar pringles, but you have to have some treats. I am planning on embracing a bit more healthy eating next week and getting some workouts in where possible. Your body goes through a hell of a lot to carry and give birth to a baby. I definitely think the focus after that should be a healthy recovery and giving yourself some much deserved TLC! 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