#i should have expected it oops

[thatqueerbat]

catching up on docs streams, and he's talking about religion/spirituality and how it guides people's beliefs etc. he mentions how (generally) people like to be outraged by things [that dont affect them], like who other people are, and then immediately says 'if you're lgbtq you'll know what im talking about'

and i absolutely do. and its so wild to me how he just. drops that in. then starts talking about how it shouldn't matter who you are, how you can still do be incredibly religious and respect queer people, that the most important thing is that your beliefs don't hurt other people. how you should respect pronouns, that being 'indoctrinated' into being queer isn't a thing.

all whilst he's mining for diamonds using a freaking mega tunnel bore. like its any other conversation you might have

which it certainly is, for me. but a 40 something cishet man? not your standard casual conversation topic, not usually. and even though i already knew he was a supportive guy, hearing a conversation like this outside of an explicitly queer space, unprompted by a queer person. just solidifies what kind of person he is. and gives me faith that even outside of queer specific spaces, important conversations are happening, its not just us protesting and yelling into the wind, no one giving a shit. and its happening in some pretty unexpected places. which id say is pretty neat. its nice to have some hope for a change.

(all that to say, this is a docm77 stan household)

[amanitacurses]

[skitskatdacat63]

Seb Australia 2009 comp bcs I am in 2009 hell for the foreseeable future

[honeyvenommusic]

❗️NEWGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSAN-

[the-lady-stone]

after healing Taliesin...

LDB: Alright, let's get out of here.

Taliesin: Not dressed like that you aren't!

LDB, changed into something a little more... sexy: Better?

Talesin: Yes b-- (ahem), slay!

[oveliagirlhaditright]

That moment when you see that Walmart sells Kingdom Hearts cakes (well, you can buy edible Kingdom Hearts images from Walmart to put on cakes) and one of the options is just Yozora pointing a crossbow at you... why?

-am tempted to just buy that cake so i can eat his face, as revenge for his super difficult boss fight that i'm still angry about-

[netherdevil]

unnormal vivilly dweller thoughts in my head

[asteroidsylveon]

i did the bad ending of a date with death and my friend proceeded to tell me "make him die" and now im curious if that could possibly become a thing,,, i mean theres the soul balancing, and then the danger of being caught breaking rules.... i do love angst..... (at the same time the bad emding made me feel so bad. boyfriene im soery ily boyfriemd

[helldustedstories]

Okay, but I want to talk about Stolas and his relationship with touch, affection, and praise, because they're all kind of wrapped up in one another. Under a cut for length.

When he was younger, he barely saw his father. The day he received his grimoire was the first time he'd seen him all year, and Paimon didn't even tell him 'happy birthday;' he just greeted him, completely forgetting his name, and told him that it was finally time for him to 'become a true part of the Goetia family. Good for you.'

After that, he very quickly told Stolas what his duty in Hell was going to be, gave him the grimoire, and then announced that he was destined to 'sire a precautionary heir,' which meant that he was never going to have any say in how his life turned out. It was all planned for him right from the start. The picture that Paimon showed Stolas of his future wife was one where she was abusing her pets, something that was understandably upsetting on top of the news he'd just received. When Stolas starts crying in reaction, Paimon pats him on the head, the touch condescending and anything but comforting or affectionate. Stolas even flinches when he pats him, which suggests he's used to less than gentle touch, by that point.

He's used to his father not being there or being less than gentle, which sets up an expectation for other. Because if his father, who loves him (because fathers are supposed to be loving, right?) treats him that way, of course other people are going to as well, right?

And then later, when Stolas bows to Blitzo, being the polite young gentleman he is, Paimon hits him to correct him, calling him an idiot in the process. It definitely wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last. Paimon's simply not around as much as he could be, but Stolas almost certainly had physical correction applied whenever he did something wrong (a rap across the knuckles with a ruler, a smack upside the head, like when he bowed to Blitzo; little things that add up).

He was also very isolated, mostly only interacting with the household servants and his tutors, none of which showed him more than cursory attention, the way one does to the son of their employer. So he grew up touch-starved, isolated, and desperate for any sort of attention or affection.

Additionally, he was frequently belittled and told that he was stupid, ugly, worthless, that he wouldn't amount to anything, which very much stuck with him and he started to internalize. He's used to just kind of ducking his head and going along with it, to minimize any attention on him, because so frequently when people are paying attention to him, it's negative.

He's more likely to expect a physical blow than any sort of gentle affection, especially when it's preceded by raised voices. Stella was more likely to throw objects than to throw hands, at least at first, but he still flinches sometimes when someone is upset with him, just out of habit. Though he's gotten pretty good at keeping any physical reaction to a minimum, as a means of self-preservation.

Stolas also got very good at deflecting and defusing situations because he had to after Via was born. He showers her with love and affection, because he doesn't want her to end up like him.

Because as much as he craves touch, affection, and praise, actually receiving them is another matter. When he's comfortable with someone, he very much wants to be touching them frequently, even if it's just something simple like the brush of his hand against theirs, because it reassures him, fills part of the hollowness that he constantly feels because he wants to be held, to be cared for.

So he channels that into caring for others: usually his plants and his daughter.

But as is a theme in his life, everything changes when Blitz shows up again. Stolas tries to joke and flirt, not really expecting anything to happen, but he'd had something to drink, and the first person he'd ever called his friend had seemed to enjoy his company when they were children, maybe that hadn't changed. Maybe he really was here to see Stolas.

The two of them sit down on the nearby chaise lounge and talk a little bit, until Blitz is the one that initiates any sort of touch between them. Stolas is immediately flustered and doesn't know what to do, going so far as to back away from Blitz. Because at this point, he's never experienced any touch that is romantic or positive in a sexual nature; he's been married to Stella for quite some time, and he disassociated whenever they had sex. So he's understandably a bit flustered because he's experiencing attraction for the first time, too.

Blitz pursues him, putting all of the attention on Stolas, which he is not used to, especially in this sort of situation, but he doesn't push him away. It's new, it's exciting, and he finds that he actually wants what Blitz seems to be offering. He has no idea how to put that into words, and he stammers over an answer when Blitz asks him what he wants him to do to him. Which is the point that Blitz bites him, tipping that needle over from "I want this but I'm uncomfortable" to "oh my god, I want this."

When Blitz pushes him back down onto the bed, he latches onto that, immediately asking Blitz if he likes to be in charge, to command. He goes right into playing that up, going from the idea of commanding to kinky in seconds, because any of the knowledge he possesses about this sort of situation came from books. Blitz tells him to stop, and he immediately does.

It's at that point that Blitz blindfolds him and ties him to the bed, which Stolas takes to mean that more touch is coming, something he says he's craved for a very long time. Blitz could have just left him there, but he didn't. He stayed and he fulfilled that desire: he gave Stolas what he'd been craving, showed him what it was like to be touched and wanted, which also served to show him what he had been missing.

Because up until that point, he thought there was something wrong with him. I've talked about it a little bit before, but my interpretation of Stolas is that he's both gay and on the ace spectrum, specifically demiromantic, which means he needs an emotional connection to feel more for someone than just appreciating them aesthetically. He hasn't necessarily come to terms with this sort of label yet, which was why his initial night with Blitz meant more to him than some casual fling would have, because he already had an emotional connection, which made the physical that much more intense.

Things with Stella got even worse, at that point. She escalated from just throwing things, to deliberately throwing or destroying the things that Stolas cared about, until she eventually hit him. He was able to block her blow so easily the one time he stood up for himself because he was expecting it, because she'd done it before.

So while he craves touch, there's also part of him that expects the worst when he actually gets it.

Which is part of the reason he leans so much into the BDSM side of things with Blitz, especially in the beginning. Because if he expects pain, if it's controlled and given out as part of the touch, part of the experience, and not just a negative, then that's fine. It's something he expects and can handle, and even find pleasurable, because it's controlled and it's not coming from a place of anger, of fear. It's actually coming from a place of trust and of care, which is an entirely new experience for him.

He can handle being touched, leans into it, because he so desperately wants and needs it.

Affection, on the other hand, is harder for him to deal with because it's so foreign. He frequently feels that he's not worth the time and attention it takes to reach some level of caring for him, even if he's desperate for it.

The same sort of thing goes for genuine praise. If someone tells him he did something well or he's good at something, his first instinct is to pick apart whatever they're complimenting, because he clearly could have done better. They're not actually complimenting him; they're trying to show him how he failed.

It's even worse when someone tells him he's pretty. He wears nice clothes and does what he can, but he's been told from a very young age that he's ugly and disgusting, which is definitely taking some time to unlearn.

But the more he spreads his wings (so to speak) and experiences more and comes to terms with the fact that his treatment wasn't okay and wasn't his fault, the more he unlearns the things he was told. It's been a long road to get to where he is, and he definitely still has days where he doesn't feel like he's worth anyone's time or attention, but he is definitely trying.

[iguessitsjustme]

I have regrets

[thedreadvampy]

mad about work but nobody to vent to 🥲

[toastsnaffler]

did a 50 min biceps workout yesterday and my arms are functionally fine they took it like a champ thryre getting the day off but my hams are aching like hell from the sumo/lat squats I did in the 5 min warmup. come on man

[just-slightly-chayotic]

tagged by @scattered-stardust to post 6 of my favourite songs! thank you for tagging me!!

(i'm going to limit myself to one jeff song despite pretty much listening to only his music since july)

1. Stranger by Jeff Satur - this song has had a chokehold on me since it came out. the first time i listened to it was the day it was released. my spotify is still on my home country's timezone so despite living in a country where it's an hour earlier, i could listen to it on spotify at 11pm instead of midnight. i was on a call with my best friend who still didn't have access to it so i played it on my laptop so they could hear it too. we spent the evening listening to it on loop until we went to sleep.

2. Doing This Again! by Bears In Trees - even with my newfound obsession with Jeff, they were still my top played artist in 2022, which says a lot. their music just speaks to me. the amount of times i've screamed this specific song at the top of my lungs at 6am in the morning is,,, well. it's a lot.

3. Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy by Queen - a classic of course. i grew up listening to my dad's cassette tapes of Queen, i don't actually remember if this song was on one of them or not but this is a song that always has me dancing and cheers me up no matter what mood i'm in.

4. IF NOT FOR YOU by Måneskin - a new favourite! first time i listened to their new album was the day after it came out when one of my best friends texted me about it. we spent an hour listening to it together and commenting it and we agreed that this song is a favourite for both us.

5. Car's Outside by James Arthur - since my best friend and i are long distance and goodbyes are always incredibly hard (and they keep getting harder), this song is something that we decided is our song. it never fails to make me cry.

6. Drinking Song for the Socially Anxious by The Amazing Devil - they're another of my favourite music artists! their vocals are amazing and their lyrics speak to me. this song especially. just give it a listen, you'll see why

(no pressure) tagging: @fuckyeah-itme @alwaysandforeverlost @booksnchocolate @risu442 and @the-water-nixie

[luvsavos]

primordial malzeno oc go brrrr

[newyorkkiss]

[slashpaws]

if i don't play the glitched attraction right now i will die