#i should have anticipated that the previous entry sounded like a cry for help

[bomberqueen17]

clotpoleofthelord replied to your post “not shaped like a human”

I KNOW HOW THIS GOES SOMEWHAT. I'm a 32G and it's a goddamn nightmare finding bras that fit. Have you tried Bravissimo? I've had some luck with theirs (and also FREE RETURNS)

I have actually GONE TO BRAVISSIMO IN PERSON. I shopped there before they offered free returns, Back In The Day, I don’t want to talk about how much I spent, and I went to London in ‘08 for other purposes but while I was there, I got sized there.

They did not have a single bra in stock in their flagship London store that fit me. This was exceptionally unfortunate, as I was in London to attend a wedding, and had brought a dress for which I was actually counting on finding a bra to go with, since They Have Great Bras in the UK, you can get Anything in London, except as it turns out you CANNOT get a plunge-front 32J in any color or make for any kind of money, so I had to safety-pin my dress to my old fucking imported bra I’d brought intending to abandon it. Amazing! Yes, my boob fell out of my dress in front of the father of the bride after I’d had basically an entire bottle of wine on my own, but it didn’t matter because so had he, and he just laughed, so. THANKS BRAVISSIMO.

I also went to, I forget the name now, the lingerie-maker who has like made bras for the Queen and stuff (maybe rigby and peller? sounds familiar?), and they were also very helpful, and also, womp womp, did not have a single bra in stock that fit me. (”We could have this one altered, it would take a week. Are you local?” “No.” “... I could pin it out for you so you could have it altered when you got home.” “Mmmm... no.” [It was over a hundred dollars, with the exchange rate of the time. For a bra that didn’t fit me. I can get a bra that doesn’t fit me for a lot less than that any old where.]) At least they helped me understand that I required a specific shape of bra for optimum support. I’ve never really found one that fit properly, but the ones with that specific shape (three-part cups, with a non-stretch component as the outermost part nearest the armpit, if you were curious-- oh, like this one) are the most fault-tolerant.)

thebyrchentwigges replied to your post “not shaped like a human”

er um are you familiar with the world of full-bust style blogs? hourglassy? curvywordy? fuller figure fuller bust? they may have the bra hook up for you...even if you have to go to Poland for it! Ewa Michalak maybe...and I know about these blogs for two reasons, the left one and the right one ;D

Oh gosh. I used to follow a lot of blogs. I knew all the great URLs, I knew all the sites that carry all the brands. I used to be super up on all of it. And then I stopped caring, because it was so goddamn futile. I’m just so old now, and so tired. I’ve imported bras from all over. You can get more of them domestically than you used to be able to. It’s great. It doesn’t matter.

They always poke me in the armpits, slide off my shoulders, stretch out funny... fit for a while, then don’t... the underwires dig in and leave red marks on my ribs... eventually the underwires escape their channels and stab me in the chin... and no matter how exquisite the thing looks when I put it on, I’m never happier than when I’m taking it off. 

Fuck it, I’ll just buy cheap bras that don’t really make that much of an effort to fit, as long as they don’t actively hurt me. That’s the point I’m at now. Fifteen years ago, I spent cumulatively thousands of dollars trying to find The Perfect Fit. Now I’m just old, and fucking tired. I’m glad there are a new generation of blogs now. I just don’t think I’m going to bother throwing myself in to caring about it again, because all it got me was a drawer full of thousands of dollars of ill-fitting overpriced lacy shit and no actual improvement in my self-esteem.

I have never. Never! Owned a bra that actually fit me, was comfortable to wear for more than an hour, and actually looked nice in any way at all. I can pick maybe one of those three features; I’ve never even had two out of three, and I’ve actually never had number one at all, really. 

And after literally decades of effort, I think maybe I’m finally ready to give the fuck up.

thesacredreznor replied to your post “not shaped like a human”

that sounds hellish! makes me grateful that mostly i fit regular (plus sized) bras. although i do frequently get the issue where the cups are too far apart for me, probably because i am a short fat.

I am of perfectly average height, and of just slightly over average girth, and I just. Have a freakishly small ribcage, and narrow shoulders. (And you’d think, oh, primo candidate for racerback or halter styles! Unforch, those are the worst, because I get pinched nerves and then can’t function. Amazing!) 

I am not designed to wear bras. Unfortunately, I need bust support, or I can’t comfortably descend stairs. So, I have to. 

I’ve just given up on being “flattered” while I do it. If I just wear two shitty bras, a plain ugly one and a cute lacy one, then I can feel cute, and probably not die of discomfort. That’s all I get, nowadays.

It’s just so easy to get sucked back into spending money on wishes and dreams and “empowerment” and “you’ll look so much better if you” you know what, I look better with these hundreds of dollars in my pocket, thanks. 

It’s just such a compelling dream. And the sewing blogs make it look so easy. But it is not. It will not work. I need to stop torturing myself. I spent hours just last night going through herroom dot com looking at all the beautiful-- oh the lace-- oh they have a universal sizing system-- they do the conversion for you-- that’s great-- look at-- oh-- wow--- that’s--- wow I have like no options and actually, I’ve bought that one before, it did Not hold up. 

NEVER MIND.

(Of course I downloaded the one free pattern and of course I’m going to try to grade it up and of course it’s not going to work! But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t periodically torture myself with this absolute fucking horseshit now and then.)

[adonis-koo]

tease

| 26 |

↳ Summary: You came with the intentions of your best friend landing a job as a stripper. You never meant to catch the eyes of the king stripper of the establishment- Jeon Jungkook, yourself. With what was supposed to be a harmless way of paying off college debt faster you find yourself falling into a very odd and passionate relationship with your new mentor. Between infidelity, passion and jealousy there’s never a dull moment at Cherry Bomb.

↳ Pairing: Stripper!Jungkook/Reader

↳ Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, drama, slice of life, relationship problems without the relationship, reader is such a shy baby protect her, MUTUAL pining, so much sexual frustration,  

Word Count: 11k

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Song Mood

Warning: This story touches on both sexual harassment and abuse, please read with caution if any of these things are triggers to you. Additional warnings will be given when a chapter present them.

Sweat beaded down his neck as he noticed the sun going down, shit if he didn’t start running faster he was going to be late…! Jungkook didn’t make any effort to stop by the two girls who had obviously been hoping to talk to him. He didn’t have time for that, not when he just got this next round of pay. 

Pausing at the cracked pavement of the apartment building he took a deep breath, wiping the sweat from his brow before calming himself down, inner excitement buzzing inside him as he felt accomplished. Five hundred, that was the number he had made this week. Five hundred, that would be enough for food…! Or- or maybe they could squeeze rent in with it too!

Jungkook felt giddy as passed by the dead brush of old flowers, the paint chipping off the side of the wall by the front door just as it always did, vaguely he could remember when his mom complained about never living somewhere nice.

Maybe this wasn’t an upper-class suburban neighborhood, but it was home. Opening the front door Jungkook paused, feeling a little leery at the sight of empty bottles on the table, his dad couldn’t have been home already, right? Jisoo was curled up on the couch, eyes meekly flickering to meet Jungkook’s before quirking into a little smile of greeting before letting her gaze drop back to her homework, “Mom’s in her room, haven’t seen her since I got home.”

Jungkook pressed his brows together in confusion, usually, she was a little more chipper than that, “Oh…” he breathed out before letting his shoulders slump a little, “Alright, I’m gonna go talk to her for a few minutes, do you need help with your homework?” He paused at the entry kitchen where the small circle table sat, takeout boxes piled up and the occasional pizza box underneath, he should really take the time to try and clean up.

Jisoo’s gaze flickered between her brother and her homework as she nibbled against her lip, “...You don’t have to help me Jungkook…” She felt guilty, he could tell instantly. 

Jungkook’s expression twisted a little more stern as he replied, “If I don’t then who will Jisoo?” He cut himself off abruptly as a thick silence hung in the air, Jisoo refused to look at him as she fiddled with her pencil, something she always did when she was nervous. Sighing he ran a hand through his hair, not wanting to scare her though it still disheartened him that she really thought of him like that, “I know I don’t Jisoo, But I don’t mind, okay? Let me just go talk to mom then I’ll be out in a moment to help.” 

She only nodded before letting out a soft sigh, curling up against the pillow she had hugged before Jungkook walked into the kitchen, the door ahead closed and it seemed like the lights were turned off, softly knocking Jungkook heard a crash inside as he opened the door, the TV playing in the pitch-black room where the curtains had been closed.

“Mom?” Jungkook furrowed his brows as she wobbly stood up, the cigarette she wasn’t supposed to be smoking in the house pinched between two of her fingers as she struggled to stand up properly, “Kookie…!” Her voice enthusiastic yet somewhat confused, her brows squeezed together as if she struggled to see him, “When did you get home?” She fumbled around the bed as he coughed, waving the cigarette smoke she had blown in his face on accident out of the way.

“I...I just got home mom, look I know it’s been hard with dad but….” He scratched his neck, feeling a little apprehensive before pulling the thick wad of cash out of his pocket, “I wanted to help out so…! Here, maybe…maybe me, you and Jisoo can go to the store and…!” He felt proud of himself at his mom's eyes lighting up quickly snatching the money from his hands, “Maybe we could get a few new sets of clothes or….mom?” He paused as she finished counting the money with an exasperated sigh as if inconvenienced. 

“You couldn’t have gotten another hundred?” His mom complained, her face saying that this was absolutely not enough, Jungkook felt his lips part, fumbling but no words came out as he felt his previous excitement begin to deflate.

It...it wasn’t good enough…? 

“Jungkook I would have thought you’d be more useful than this,” She sighed as she turned her back, annoyance filtering her features as she waved a dismissive hand, “I should’ve anticipated this though, I can never count on you to be enough when I need it. Go help your sister with her shit.” 

She puffed from her cigarette once more as Jungkook felt the frustrated anger quell in him, stiff in place as he felt the urge to swallow the hard rock that was suddenly stuck in his throat, his mom turned around as her scorned expression furrowed, “Are you deaf in the head? Get the fuck out of here and go do something useful. God you’re so fucking needy.” 

Jungkook had made sure to slam the door on his way out, running a hand through his hair as he felt the anger seethe through his veins, why was it never enough? All he wanted was to help! To be validated and good enough for his mother? Growling he hadn’t even registered when his fist slammed into the wall, again….and again...and again. 

His fist throbbed in sharp pain and it was already becoming swollen as blood trickled against the floor. Jisoo didn’t have the nerve to ask when she carefully wrapped his hand. 

….

Memories like those were the most prominent, especially after triggering situations such as just a few hours ago in which Jungkook and you had experienced a near kidnapping. The ride home had been painfully silent and it wasn’t until in the shower that you had broken down crying and continued until you could no longer keep yourself awake. 

Jungkook however, wasn’t tired at all, the opposite in fact, his eyes had been staring blankly at the ceiling for the last two hours, his mind filtering memories and briefly wondering, where had he gone wrong in his life? You were curled up against him, your body relaxed and your face buried against his side. 

With you sound asleep, Jungkook didn’t feel the obligation to hold a pleasant expression, and thus his bitter glare at the dirty white ceiling you had commented on painting one day. Where did he go wrong? Was he really that terrible of a person, was he considered a pain in the ass as a child? 

In fact, Jungkook felt strongly when he was younger, about wishing he had never been born, so that he wouldn’t have had to endure such incredibly hurtful parents. Jungkook wanted nothing more than to cherish his mother’s love. His lips quivered a little, his top lip twitching a little at the angry gloss of tears in his eyes, he hated it. He hated that it still hurt him almost ten years later. 

Jungkook hated more than anything, the permanent stain it had left on his heart, the constant need to prove that he wasn’t needy, that he didn’t need anyone, that he didn’t need to rely on anyone. He bent over backwards and compromised more of himself then he possibly could, in hopes that one day, his mother would love him. 

It wasn’t that Jungkook regretted his decisions, he had made plenty of money that he kept to himself, hence buying his first car, he could get his sister new clothes and pay for her meals. But still...he just wished he hadn’t compromised so much of himself, for something he would never have been given, no matter how perfect he tried to be. 

When he first came to Seoul, Jungkook didn’t know who he was, or what he wanted to do. He had spent so much of his life, living day in and day out, hoping he could force himself into the role of perfect son that would somehow fix his dysfunctional life, to the point that when he had left it all. It left him completely devoid inside. And Jungkook supposed he did eventually find himself, somehow. 

….

Purified sugar and there had to be some kind of strain of acidic flavor in the energy drink Jungkook had just finished chugging, it was his third one tonight and he had just finished his shift. His coworker coming in looking buzzed on something that was definitely not alcohol. 

“Psst- hey Jungkook,” He frowned as he turned to the male, raising a brow as he silently inspected the guys pupils that were widened like saucers, “You want some of this shit before you go? Hits different.” 

Jungkook’s nose wrinkled a little as he watched the guy pull the plastic bag from his coat, pure white powder inside as he offered a weak smile, “No thanks man, have a...good shift.” He offered, not in the least bit interested in that. 

Jungkook had watched his dad drain his whole life away with drugs, he was not about to do the same thing. Pushing his hands into his sweatshirt as he pushed the backdoor to the convenient store open. Life was shitty, but at least he was by himself, alone, and able to do what he wanted. The motel was a pretty far walk and these parts of Seoul weren’t the hottest but hey, it was a pretty lively area. Groaning Jungkook pulled up his hood, keeping his head low as he began to weave through alleyways as a shortcut to the motel, he was making, barely enough money to pay for it with the discount of ramen but admittedly...his stomach ached and growled in need of substance that he was beginning to get tired of living on. Was the rest of his life going to be this bleak? 

Jungkook had debated on enrolling for college but it seemed like a bad idea and a lot of debt he couldn’t afford to get into when he was barely putting a roof over his head. The idea of being an escort didn’t sound horrible but…

His lips twitched. No, he wasn’t going back to that. It was still too fresh in his head and he couldn’t handle anymore predatory older women preying on him. Ah great, his clothes were practically soaked to the bone. He’d need to find a day job at least to start saving money for actual food- take out at least and new clothes. 

Jungkook hadn’t even realized where he was walking until he smashed into someone, he didn’t mind it much but to be fair he was on the giving end, the guy taking a tumble before he growled, “Hey fuckin’ watch where you’re going kid.” Jungkook kept his head low, knowing damn well it was too late and he was too hungry for this shit. 

He just wanted to get out of the cold rain before he got sick, “Look! Little fucker thinks he’s better than us!” The friend called out, walking up as he got in Jungkook’s face as he followed beside him, “Hey shithead, you ran into my friend! I think that warrants an apology!” 

Jungkook paused, lifting his chin a little as he closed his eyes in exasperation, these guys were really fucking annoying, they both began cackling at his reaction as he turned to face them both, “Fuck off.” Jungkook could hardly contain the words tumbling from his lips, this wasn’t a good start given it was a 2v1 here. 

“Ooh, little man thinks he’s a badass.” The friend mockingly awed out before Jungkook was suddenly shoved, “Because you’re so rude to your elders, I think you should give us money as compensation for not beating your ass.” 

Compensation? In what world? 

Jungkook scoffed, a smirk coiling on his lips as he cocked his head into an annoying cocky expression, “The only compensation you’ll get is having the luxury of kissing my ass.” Knowing this totally wasn’t in his favor he suddenly shoved the first guy which made him slam into his friend before he booked it down the alleyway. 

Heavy footsteps pounded on the pavement following after him, making his way out of the alleyway he made a sharp right but didn’t make it two feet before he slammed into multiple bodies, “Out of the way assholes! He’s dead meat!” Jungkook scurried behind the two men who didn’t budge an inch. 

They were around his height and yet...they both definitely went to the gym, “Ew, they look like hetros.” The one on the right said as he wrinkled his nose, he held an umbrella that shielded his friend and Jungkook as well who leered, looking ready to run again if needed, “What are you doing over there idiot?” He twisted around and Jungkook was somewhat taken aback at how stunning this man was...was he a model? 

More importantly his brows furrowed in confusion, he knew neither of these guys, why did they act like they knew him? The man spoke once more as he looked at Jungkook as if he knew him well, “Got into trouble, again?” 

The man on the left spoke up as he tutted, “Sorry for our friend, he’s young and doesn’t know any better. Ah...It would be best if you just go…” His voice was methodical and smooth. He was a little taller than Jungkook and the other man, a pleasant yet tense smile on his face. 

The two guys looked at one another before glaring at Jungkook once more, who only let a snide smile appear on his face as the two grumbled their apologies, even giving a short bow before slinking back into the depths of the alleyway. 

Both the men turned around, the one on the right who looked like a model snorted, “You know this kid?” 

“Nope.” The other one said as he shrugged. 

Jungkook could only look between the two men, suddenly stricken with gratitude at the realization that, despite not even knowing who Jungkook was, they stuck their necks out for him to get these guys away. He looked a little doe eyed before he offered a boyish smile as he bowed, “Wow you guys really saved my ass! Hey uh-” Jungkook couldn’t put his finger on why, but he wanted to get to know these two better, “I can make it up to you! I could buy drinks!” 

“No!” The model immediately rejected, his hand on his mouth as his nose wrinkled, “I mean your welcome but hard pass, i’ve already drunk twice my weight in liquor for the night.” He winced a little as if trying not to gag. 

Jungkook frowned as he rubbed his head...oh...okay…? He turned to the other man, suddenly feeling a bit odd at the way this guy was staring at him. It wasn’t creepy or as if he had ulterior motives, but it was as if...he was evaluating him. Jungkook felt a bit uneasy and at this notice the man offered a weak smile, “Say, if you’re struggling for money, get off work early and come back here tomorrow kid. You’d be a hot take here. Come on Seok let’s go.” 

The other man shrugged before they walked away leaving Jungkook thoroughly confused and somewhat dazed as rain began to pour back over him again. Puzzled, he turned to face the building the two men had exited from. 

Cherry Bomb. Huh, interesting.

...

The thought of those two men lingered in Jungkook’s mind the whole day as he debated on what to do and in the end, he figured, what the hell? Why not just go for it and see, he was a bit leery admittedly at the man's words about making money. Last time he did that, he became an underage escort and a drug runner. 

His nose wrinkled as he carefully made his way through the alleyway, careful to not run into anyone this time. It was two in the morning and he figured, this would be early enough, right? Unless...No he’d give it a try! 

Jungkook nodded in determination as he stood in front of the bright neon red sign with the words Cherry Bomb plastered on it, what even was this place anyways? He paused at the two bouncers out front, checking ID’s as he got his ready, showing it before they nodded and let him inside. 

Jungkook had expected a lot of things, what he didn’t expect was the foggy atmosphere, cherry red neon lights, tables packed with people and screams of cheers. Making his way through the crowd his nose wrinkled a little before he got a good look at the large stage, thinner in the middle and circled out on the sides. 

His lips immediately parted at the sight of...naked women...dancing...wrapped around poles. His ears were burning as he frantically looked away, feeling like he was intruding on a private event before his hormones got the best of him. His eyes looked back at the stage where the woman kept swaying her hips as she parted her legs. Her tits were perked and her thong left little to the imagination and…

Jungkook tensed at the sudden feeling of arousal shooting down below, his cock throbbing against his jeans as he awkwardly shifted. What the fuck was he supposed to do with this...was he even in the right place…? 

But...if he wasn’t...wouldn’t they have been more specific…? Jungkook peered around, feeling a little hesitant as he scanned the crowd before...Oh! Oh there he was! Jungkook shuffled through the crowd as he found the man at the bar, laughing with the bartender before they met eyes, “Oh good! I was wondering if the environment would scare you off,” He laughed, “You look like a boy coming of age.” 

“..I…” Jungkook paused, not used to this type of talk being so...free, feeling apprehensive he asked the only question he could think of, “What is this place?”

The guy snorted, looking amused as he spoke, “A strip club…? Hey how old are you?” 

“Twenty…” Jungkook replied, a little reluctant as the man laughed, almost endeared as he squared his shoulders a little, he wasn’t a kid! He just...had never...Jungkook felt his ears burn as his eyes narrowed, sex wasn’t everything! 

“Okay good! That means you’re legal!” He wiped a non existent sweat off his brow as he offered a dimpled smile, “I’m Kim Namjoon,” He nodded in greeting, “I work here as a Soloist.” Jungkook’s lips parted a little as he looked at Namjoon before at the stage, “Yeah, I’m a stripper.” 

A male stripper? Jungkook had never heard of such a thing before as he furrowed his brows before he connected the dots, suddenly bursting out laughing as he sat in a seat, “You think I would be a stripper!?” 

Namjoon lifted a hand as he spoke, “I mean, you showed up didn’t you?” Jungkook paused as Namjoon smiled cunningly, “Mhm, listen, I get it. Everyone’s a little reserved when they first get in the business but, we have it good here at Cherry Bomb.” 

“...I’m not a stripper,” Jungkook’s nose wrinkled a little, looking at his knuckles before up to the bartender that was busy serving several other customers, “I’m not even experienced-” 

“Pause,” Namjoon cut him off as he looked at him in wariness, “That’s what’s good about Cherry, we accept people with zero experience. They’re called trainee’s, which means they have an experienced stripper show them the ropes of how everything works.” 

Jungkook didn’t speak for a moment, as he swiveled his chair around, looking out at the stage where girls were dancing as raunchy as possible but...his eyes landed on the money that was flying...that had to be fifty, “....And you want me as what…? A trainee?” 

Namjoon smiled patiently, “Pretty much, I’m particular in who I train but, you have the face for the job. I feel like you'd generate a lot of profit. For yourself and Cherry.” This was where Jungkook frowned, wariness filling him once more. Profit for Cherry Bomb...He couldn’t shake the feeling that, this seemed too good to be true…”So what’s the catch?” Namjoon tilted his head as Jungkook spoke, “What’s the catch, where’s the draw back? This can’t just be me flashing everyone my dick and getting paid for it.” 

“Right…” Namjoon smiled a little as he curved a brow, “You won’t, salary is cheap because technically our tips make up for it. But starting out as a trainee means nobody knows you and, nobody is going to throw money at you.” Jungkook tilted his head a little, “See we have a hierarchy here. First we have bottom feeders, trainee’s, they’re new, they’re awkward, nobody knows them and nobody wants to give them money when something better waits. Then there’s fillers, those girls up there who dance between the main shows, which are soloist’s who dance by themselves. They’re what everyone is waiting for.” 

Jungkook frowned, “So unless you’re the main attraction there’s no point in dancing.” Then why bother with this place, weren’t most strip clubs self employed anyways? Why be a bottom feeder here when you had greater success somewhere else? It didn’t sound appealing to Jungkook. 

“Because,” Namjoon chuckled as the stage went dark before the lights turned on, Jungkook immediately recognized it as the male he met last night, “Everyone likes a big ego and an even bigger wallet.” He hadn’t even started dancing and money was already being piled onto the stage. 

Jungkook couldn’t help but watch in awe at the way he kept a crowd which, surprisingly held many females who all gushed and screamed for him, the power he held in his performance and all the money that floated down on him as he swung around the pole. Jungkook was...interested. And besides, what’s the worst that could happen with this place?

“Alright,” Jungkook leaned back in his seat as he looked at Namjoon, a cocky look in his eyes as he smirked, “I’m willing to talk.” 

----

That was a turning point in Jungkook’s life. He stretched out a little, careful not to move too much as he didn’t want to wake you, you had shifted with a little yawn before your face pressed back against him. His lips ghosted into a smile as he looked down at you, his hand tethering gently against the back of your neck as you curled against his touch, you were just too cute. 

For a moment everything was okay before he frowned once more, no matter what you said, it was his fault you were put in the position you were, if he had just...Jungkook silently groaned in frustration, he had lived his whole life like this. 

It wasn’t anything he wasn’t used to. 

But it frustrated him to no end, he could’ve done a lot of things in his life differently but he didn’t. And now you were having to deal with all of his baggage he had secretly hoped he could bury with time. But this situation was just a bitter reminder that no matter how fast Jungkook ran, the past would always catch up. 

….

“Mmm fuck, that’s it you little slut.” Sweat beaded against the back of Jungkook’s neck, the tight space of the bathroom stall making his body heat radiate and his skin flush as a low moan escaped him. His hand fisted into the girl's hair, her lips eagerly wrapped around his cock as she bobbed her head against it. 

Jungkook’s brows creased as he guided her movements, her cheeks hollowing before carefully taking him down her throat as he hissed, “Fuck, I bet you like choking on cock don’t you baby? Such a slutty brat.” He growled, forcing her head still before sharply snapping his hips into her mouth, his orgasm was so fucking close. 

She was gagging and clawing against his thighs as gurgled whines escaped her, her little throat tightening around his cock making him let out a long moan as he rutted one last into her mouth, his cum warm and thick as it slid down her throat. 

Jungkook needed a moment to recover before pulling himself from her mouth, heaving in breaths as he rasped, “Jesus….thanks.” 

The girl- Yuna stood up as she wiped her lips, a bright smile adorning them as she laughed, “My pleasure, you should probably go talk to Namjoon though, as nice as your dick is it’s not why I came to get you.” 

Tucking himself away Jungkook glanced up at her as he gave a half smirk, though it seemed more like a lopsided smile, “I didn’t hear you complaining. I’ll go talk to him. Did he say what he wanted?” Namjoon, his mentor, was always on the more relaxed end of Soloist’s, not quite having the energy to debate with Jungkook. 

“Mmm dunno,” Yuna shrugged as she opened the stall, fixing her hair as best she could before rubbing her eyes, taking a quick look into the mirror to make sure she was somewhat decent, “You said you weren’t into degradation last time we fucked.” She raised a brow in curiosity as she glanced at him in the mirror.

Jungkook paused, running a hand through his hair as he looked away briefly. He did say that beforehand, trying to degrade a girl just felt….wrong...It almost always made him feel like an asshole and for the longest time he never saw the appeal. Jungkook shrugged as he replied, “Well, one of the girls I slept with was really...like really into it, and she explained that everything was consented and that if she had a problem with anything I called her she’d tell me. I wasn’t really into it at first but if it’s what she wanted,” He shrugged once more as Yuna turned around, tilting her head, “But after seeing how much it turned her on, and how weak she got anytime I called her a slut...It was kinda hot.”

Jungkook’s brows pressed together in thought, it was weird but, if the girl was okay with it then, that made it okay, right? He still felt somewhat at war with himself, maybe he should’ve asked Yuna? Even if she was the one that was practically begging him to call her a whore to begin with, but still. 

Yuna gave him a smile as she opened the door waving him out as he followed her, “You’re telling me all I needed to do was give you an educational lesson in BDSM? You’re so innocent Jungkook.” He glared at her as she laughed holding up her hands, “I’m just saying, you’re a natural in bed but you just always seem to...hold back…” 

Walking out of the hallway the main floor of Cherry Bomb was packed as always in the morning, girls going over their routines, people conversing with one another, Jungkook had come to love it here, it wasn’t the nicest place, but it wasn’t like he grew up living a nice life, “Well,” He huffed as his memories of his earlier experience when it came to sex flashing through his mind, “It’s not like I was with someone my age willing to guide me through it.” 

He immediately regretted his words, mentally chiding himself at saying too much as Yuna furrowed her brows, glancing up at him as she frowned. He was thankful she didn’t seem to say anything on the matter though, maybe knowing it wasn’t a good idea. 

“Well regardless, I’m proud of you.” Yuna patted his back as he rolled his eyes, leave it to her to keep things surface level before flashing him a grin and parting ways. Jungkook’s eyes scanned over the room, clacking his tongue as he sighed, Namjoon was probably in the soloist room if he wasn’t out here.

Making his way back down the hallway he pushed the door of the room open, glancing up at the small stage where Seokjin was working with Rose, “Done with your quick fuck already Jungkookie?” 

Jungkook’s shoulders tensed and his gaze deathened as they landed on the insufferable figure that stood ahead, freshly dyed platinum silver hair that covered thick bushy brows, the smirk crept on none other then Kim Taehyung’s face, what a fucking tool, “At least I can get my dick sucked without having to beg people to do it.” 

Taehyung snorted as he curved a brow, running his fingers through his hair as he replied, “Sorry what was that? Couldn’t hear you over being Cherry Bomb’s Playboy, girls would be fighting to the death to suck what I got.” 

Jungkook gritted his teeth as he rolled his eyes, refraining from rearranging that pretty face of Taehyung’s, he didn’t give a shit if he had only been working there for two weeks when Taehyung won SSU he still thought it wasn’t deserved. Taehyung was conceited garbage beneath Jungkook’s feet. He wasn’t going to groval over him just because he was a soloist now.

“Jungkook,” Namjoon sighed, curving a brow as he glanced between the two rivals before rolling his eyes, “Come on, over here.” He waved over his trainee who gritted his teeth before reluctantly walking over.

Jungkook raised his brows in question, not understanding why his mentor wanted him, most days he wasn’t even really training with Namjoon anymore, it had been almost a year of him working here and Jungkook personally thought becoming a filler would be easier than this. Training for over a year was just so ridiculous though, he was used to stripping, he could spend the whole night with girls at a table. And yet these people still treated him like he was a trainee, just because of the title. 

“Look I need you to be on your best behavior tonight okay?” Jungkook pulled up a chair as he sat across from Namjoon at the small table as he curved a brow, “Seasonella’s reps are coming tonight to choose and you’re definitely going to get onto the list if you put on a good show. But, I wouldn’t blame you if you want to take tonight off.” 

Jungkook was like a toddler beaming, he didn’t know all the ends and outs of Seasonella, but he knew it was guaranteed to be promoted from trainee to filler, hell, maybe even...He dismissed the idea, the last thing he needed was to get ahead of himself, “Why would I do that?” Jungkook scoffed, a cocky smirk on his face as he continued, “You know how I feel about still being a trainee. If I have even the slightest chance of climbing up from this shitfest I’ll take it.” 

Namjoon grimaced a little, of course his trainee was stubborn hard headed ass, sighing he ran a hand through his hair before replying, “We don’t just strip there Jungkook. We’re treated as prostitutes as well, I don’t know what the deal is but they make it like we have a choice when we don’t. It’s...not really pleasant.” 

Jungkook didn’t think much about his words, only snorting as he lifted his chin in that cocky manner he always had, “So I’ll get paid to not only strip but to fuck too? Where’s the loss in that?” This sounded like a pretty good gig in his opinion, what were the drawbacks supposed to be?

Namjoon shook his head as he sighed, figuring this would probably be the kid's reaction despite coming from a rough background himself, he had hoped, Jungkook would exercise a little more caution than he was. But then again Namjoon also understood that he was young and immature. 

“Nevermind. Regardless, if you want to go you need to be on your best behavior and…” Namjoon looked away somewhat wryly, “Don’t....don’t piss anyone off tonight, last thing I need is for you to try to knock the client's son’s teeth out.” Jungkook only puffed his chest proudly as he leaned his weight back and he shoved his hands into his pocket. 

“Deal.” 

…

Jungkook felt the urge to laugh at how stupid he had been, how arrogant and immature his actions were to not heed Namjoon’s warning. It’s why he couldn’t be upset with you. He was even worse than you his first year at Seasonella. True he didn’t go as far as shut it down, but then again, Eva didn’t waste time in digging up his whole past and dangling it over his head to keep him coming. 

But if he heeded the warning then- he cut himself off, what was the point in always thinking this way? Admittedly, it was getting tiring to beat himself up constantly, to wish for things to be different when they weren’t. 

Jungkook, just wanted to put everything behind him, and start fresh. He had friends who he considered his family and….well he had you. His eyes flickered to your figure that wiggled a little to get comfortable before stilling once more. Sighing he shook his head, he almost lost you last night. Or you almost lost him. 

He couldn’t live the rest of his life like this, he couldn’t. 

….

“So...are you um…” 

Jungkook leaned back against the headboard, running a hand through his sweat ridden hair, his muscles admittedly had been aching but it had been a great weekend honestly, what even was Namjoon talking about? He turned to face the girl he had been accompanying the whole week, Eva Friar. 

Jungkook felt a flow of ego filter him at the reminder, that’s right. For only being a trainee, he bagged the client’s daughter, she was just a year older than him and hey, she had money. And lots of it. By this point Jungkook would be able to get that apartment near Gangnam like he had been hoping. 

“I’m taking it you’re single?” Eva squeaked out, a shy smile on her face as she covered her nose with the blanket in an attempt to try and look cute. Jungkook curved a brow, single…? It hadn’t even crossed his mind honestly. 

Jungkook was neutral if not a little confused before he spoke, “...Yeah…? I mean, I doubt anyone would wanna date a guy like me.” He laughed a little despite it sounding tense- that came off more self-deprecating then he had wanted...But it was true and honestly...Jungkook couldn’t do love. 

Not right now at least, it was too soon and memories of home were too fresh. The only love he had ever been exposed to was well...It wasn’t love and...how was he supposed to express something he had never been given? 

“Oh?” Eva perked up, giggling a little as she fumbled to sit up, pulling the sheet against her chest despite Jungkook having already fucked her three times thus far today, “W-well that’s hard to believe! I mean, look at you!” 

Jungkook frowned a little, looking down at himself, true he had gotten a membership at the gym and he had obviously worked on his stroke game but...He was just...himself, “And…?” He asked as he furrowed his brows. 

“You’re the whole package Jungkook!” Eva exclaimed as she smiled brightly, “I- I mean...any girl would be lucky enough to date you…” She trailed off coyly as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Really?” Jungkook cocked a brow, not sure if he actually believed her, Jungkook wouldn’t….exactly consider himself a catch, given...well literally everything outside his appearance. 

“Well I mean…” She shuffled a little closer to him as she fluttered her eyelashes, “How about you take me to dinner tonight and I’ll show you…” 

Jungkook immediately leered back. Dinner!? Where did him being a stripper here for the weekend, say he was taking her to dinner, he knew it was an invitation but....”No thanks,” He offered a semi awkward smile, “I...I’m not really into relationships…” 

“O-oh…”

Great now he felt like an ass. Jungkook tried to recover as he forced a laugh that admittedly sounded light, “Yeah! It's just...you know, being a stripper and all. It doesn’t mesh well with relationships. You understand yeah?” 

Eva’s lips trembled a little and Jungkook had a difficult time looking at her, god this girl was so pitiful, “No totally! Ha..ha. I’m gonna use the bathroom!” She suddenly fumbled and before Jungkook could say a word, she was gone. Collapsing back against the bedboard he groaned, god dammit. 

Jungkook wasn’t sure when he actually fell asleep, it was difficult telling, but what he did enjoy was waking up to you every single day now, you were already awake and on your laptop most likely doing something miscellaneous or maybe working on a art history project you had been putting off for the majority of the summer time. 

His lips briefly twisted in a small smile as he set his chin on his arms admiring your side profile as you had yet to realize he had woken up. Your brows furrowed a little and your lips pressed together before jutting out once more as you paused typing. 

Then your eyes met his, a sleepy smile on his face as he watched you huff a little embarrassed for no reason at all but simply just because, “Morning babygirl.” He spoke up, his voice a little raspy and dehydrated from the long night. 

Jungkook’s smile turned more affectionate as he watched a shy smile appear on your lips as your eyes trailed back to the laptop screen, “Morning.” You mumbled out as you began to type again, your expression looked a little clouded compared to most days and briefly Jungkook wondered why before it hit him what had happened, “I tried waking you up to help me with breakfast but you were out of it. So I figured I'd just wait for you to wake up.” 

Jungkook said nothing at first, rather he studied your focused expression with a little frown as an odd feeling set in his stomach at how detached you appeared, not wanting you to catch on though he spoke, “You don’t have to wait for me to make breakfast,” He smiled lovingly, his eyes still sleepy as he looked up at you, who broke away from that cloudy look unable to  help but share the same smile as your nose crinkled a little, “I burnt toast last time you tried to get me to help.” He commented rolling onto his back onto his side, looking up at you, at first anticipating you would bring up what had happened but….

“Because you said putting it on a higher heat would make it cook faster.” You clacked your tongue making him chuckle, it was his fault the toast came out like a brick but truthfully he hadn’t used his toaster in almost a year until you started staying over. 

He closed his eyes briefly, you were an amazing cook, no matter how much you tried to coyly dismiss him, he’d shower you in compliment after compliment when it came to what you made in the kitchen. Jungkook would admit he was suspicious about all the food you had gotten at the grocery store but he stood corrected, you were making use of it all.

Jungkook couldn’t even adequately describe how much he loved you and everything you did for him, it was quiet for a moment as he stared up at you with his lips twisted into a tiny smile, his lack of reply making you turn to look at him as your nose crinkled again, “Hey babygirl….” Jungkook hummed out making you raise your brows, he sat up tenderly as he ran a hand through his hair, feeling a little apprehensive as he mumbled, “...Baby are you okay…?”

“Don’t….” Jungkook immediately frowned at your sharp words as you curled away from him a little, your expression a shards of distraught could be seen in your expression which only made him want to hold you closer, “Jungkook I…” you closed your eyes, lips quivering a little as you mumbled, “Can we not...talk about it?” 

Jungkook frowned as he stared at your curled up figure earnestly, not talk about it…? Jungkook didn’t want to make any assumptions but it was difficult to not when you were acting like this, “Baby…” Jungkook sighed before tenderly reaching out, pulling you closer as he rested his chin in your shoulder, “We can’t ignore what’s going on.” 

Your lips drew together tightly and he could see the way your eyes watered as you inhaled sharply, trying your best to keep it together as you mumbled, “We can, what else can we do besides that?” You looked up at him, a tear having escaped as it began to trickle down your cheek, “Just for a few hours, please?” You mumbled.

Jungkook sighed, weak for you and he could never do something with the intention of knowing you’d cry, cradling your cheek he thumbed the tear away, “Just a few hours baby.” He leaned up, pressing a kiss on your cheek as you crumbled back against him, basking in the warmth he had to offer as he tenderly trailed a few kisses down your neck. Time passed slowly and tenderly as silence took over for a long while, Jungkook still felt mildly concerned but he wouldn’t push you, especially like this.

But pretending like last night didn’t happen wasn’t a good idea either, Jungkook felt helpless as he pressed a kiss onto your head, feeling lost and unsure of what to do. This wasn’t healthy for him or you at this point and your alarming detachment was only making him more and more worried for your safety, pretending things weren’t going on was only going to give you a false sense of security that didn’t exist. 

“...Can we go cook now...,” You whined with a mumble as you closed your laptop before getting out of bed, “Come let go, let’s go, let’s go!” You bounce a little, a silly pout on your lips and a surprising amount of energy for someone who hated waking up early, let alone with everything going on, the large t-shirt covering close to your knees before you hurried from the room. 

Jungkook shook his head, letting you have your temporary moment of relief, a smile on his face before groaning as he got out of bed, rubbing his head, “You’d be more successful without me burning anything!” He called out in one last ditch effort to go back to bed. 

“I want your help!” You sang back not taking no for an answer as he shook his head, getting up as he yawned once more, rubbing his eyes before he grabbed a sweatshirt that was hanging off the side of the laundry hamper. You both were supposed to go to the laundromat this morning to get some clothes done.

‘I can’t believe you don’t have a washer and dryer, this is so gross!” 

Your words echoed in his head and he wanted to laugh all over again, truth be told he only lived a block away from a laundromat and he didn’t mind taking early morning walks to get laundry done, even if it was an inconvenience. 

Jungkook couldn’t say for sure if those plans were still on given what had...happened last night, despite only happening it still felt like a hazy dream that only filled him with dread any

Pulling the sweatshirt over his head he couldn’t stop another yawn escaping him as he padded out from the hallway to where the kitchen and living room were, his eyes landing on you softly as you had already gotten to work. Wordlessly he walked up to you before wrapping his arms around your waist, pressing his face against your shoulder, “Koo! I can’t mix this properly when you’re trying to use me like a couch!” You whined out trying to tug away. 

Jungkook pressed a kiss against your shoulder as you wiggled once more, only he swayed with you as he whispered in your ear, “Can’t I just have you for breakfast?” 

“No!” You spoke sharply, obviously flustered at his words making him chuckle, forever endeared at how easy it was to make you all flustered over something you both had done time after time. Jungkook would never get tired of you, he was sure of it. 

Jungkook and you had cooked together this morning and with your gentle, patient direction Jungkook was surprised he had managed to actually be of some use and help to you. Breakfast was….rewarding, in a way. 

He could understand why you enjoyed it so much, you had told him recently that it was a pastime hobby to make tasty things. Jungkook had never gotten to experience waking up early as a child and helping the family making an early breakfast or even sitting at a table together bantering while enjoying what had been made together. Jungkook knew you often felt like you couldn’t offer him anything exciting or new, given you were a big introvert and he was the opposite, but little did you know it was the tiny things such as this that was new and he’d forever cherish.

Jungkook rested his cheek against his hand, a soft smile tugging on his lips as he listened to you ramble on about how when you first started cooking you had ended up misreading the recipe and using a half cup of baking soda instead of a teaspoon. You didn’t even realize just how much you gave to him in these little moments, he would always cherish it.

After breakfast Jungkook had loaded up his laundry with you before heading out onto the streets, Jungkook had rationalized that it was still daylight out and it was a busy morning with a large crowd, surely...things would be okay. 

Jungkook could tell you were leery of walking on foot but he had managed to convince you, after all, you wanted to have the morning to at least enjoy yourself and Jungkook would provide that to the best of his ability. Yet still, any time it was silent between you both a large cloud hung over the both of you, an unspoken tension that he couldn’t stand. 

And so Jungkook did what he always did when he didn’t like the atmosphere, he made conversation, something easy to talk about and he knew you enjoyed decorating, so he volunteered to ask what you wanted to do to the apartment first. 

Jungkook only had a tiny smile on his face as you immediately launched in the dozens of small things you wanted to get done first, a wash of relief taking over him at you now being a mildly distracted and the walk only being ten minutes, “That’s another thing i’d like by the way,” Jungkook hummed as he turned to face you, who had just been rambling on about this and that, “A washer and dryer in the apartment!” You exclaimed with a pout now enthusiastic about getting the apartment in better shape, “I don’t wanna have to walk a block every week just so our clothes can be clean! How do you live like this Jungkook?” 

Jungkook chuckled a little as he replied back, “Like anyone else! Not everyone can afford that babygirl. Have you stopped to think for a moment that maybe, maybe I’m just too poor to afford it.” He cackled at the sour expression on your face. 

“You just dropped over two thousand on a new gaming setup three days ago, Jungkook.” You groaned as you grabbed your head making him smile once more. 

“Not a setup, it’s all the parts for a new PC baby, I gotta prep my drip for Cyberpunk 2077 when it comes out. Which takes precedence over a washer and dryer,” He shrugged, just enjoying the way you’d flail and react, “However,” Jungkook exclaimed dramatically before he grinned, “I’ll make an exception, just for you.” He cooed as he wrapped an arm around you making you squirm, “But for real, I enjoy the experience babygirl, it’s not about having to walk once a week. It’s the fact that I get to walk once a week, and just enjoy myself.” 

Your nose wrinkled a little making him snort, he knew by your expression you didn’t understand at all but you also clearly didn’t want to invalidate him either. That’s what he really liked about you, he supposed, no matter how much you disliked something, you always tried your best to understand. 

For the sake of those you loved. You were delicate like that, or so Jungkook liked to think. 

…

“I think, you totally like her,” Jungkook whipped his head around faster than he could actually comprehend Taehyung’s words, just what in the hell did he hear his best friend say? “Just look at you dude, you won’t stop smiling every time you see her.” 

Jungkook leered away a little at his words, true it had been nearly a month of training you and there had never been a dull day in between but still… “I smile at everyone…” Jungkook frowned a little as he pointed it out, it was true, he did smile a lot, he liked to smile, it meant he was having a good time. 

“Yeah but,” Taehyung curved a brow, looking way too amused to be possible, “You never look like that.” He shrugged a little as Jungkook’s face soured a little, “Come on, don’t look at me like that, it’s the truth, why not just take her on a date. You’d do it to any other girl at this point.” 

Jungkook had to think about it for a moment, why hadn’t he taken you out on a date…? He frowned a little before sighing, “Because she isn’t a girl i’d just take on a date and fuck and never see again,” He answered steadily, that was the biggest reason truthfully, he didn’t know how to feel and the last thing he wanted was to let his hormones get the best of him and dive head first into a girl he really knew nothing about and…His jaw clenched a little, look what happened the last time he tried that.

“Isn’t that a good thing…?” Taehyung frowned a little as asked, obviously confused as to why this was a bad thing. 

“Because!” Jungkook flailed his hand a little, his back turned to the stage where some assortment of fillers were providing cheap entertainment, “She just…! I don’t…” He inhaled sharply, frustrated at himself, “Look I can’t deal with feelings and shit, not again, not after Soo Jin.” He rolled his eyes a little, “Taking her on a date is like a gateway for all that crap and I can’t deal with it right now.” 

Taehyung whistled a little, “That’s a little cold, even for you.” Jungkook puffed a breath as he continued, “And besides, what’s the difference between a hangout and a date anyways? You both go out together all the time as it is…” 

“Could you shut the fuck up please and just make my drink.” Jungkook complained, not wanting to be confronted with all of this. He didn’t want to think about because if he did he knew he was gonna freak himself out and end up doing something dumb and hurting you. And more than anything, he didn’t want to hurt you. 

So yes, he was going to drag out...whatever this was with you...as long as possible to ensure that he knew who you were, and what your intentions were with him. Not to assume he thought you had any type of intentions, you couldn’t hurt a fly honestly, unless provoked. 

But still, if Jungkook had learned any lessons, it was to not jump into love so fast as he had before. Not that he was in love with you...or anything like that. It was just platonic! He enjoyed platonic relationships- friendships! And you were the kindest, sweetest…his eyes trailed to your figure that was seated next to Rosé both of you talking to a table of frat boys who were eating you both up like candy...prettiest...friend he ever had! 

“Whatever, all I’m saying is if you break her heart- legally I’m obligated to beat the shit out of you.” Taehyung offered a boxy smile as Jungkook rolled his eyes as he slumped in his seat. He wasn’t going to do anything, Jungkook and you were purely, friends, good friends. That’s all. 

….

“She what?” 

“Yeah me and Rosé were pretty surprised she jumped to that conclusion.” Jungkook snorted at your words as you swung your feet back and forth, sitting on the seats they had set out in the laundromat while you both waited for your clothing to finish drying. 

“Taehyung is not gonna like hearing that, have you told him yet?” Jungkook snorted at the way your expression contorted before you flailed. 

“Of course not! Taehyung would freak and he’d probably do something stupid that would only confirm it in Yeri’s mind! I think, we should just leave them be, honestly, if it goes on long enough, Yeri will probably confront him.” You answered honestly, as you hugged the basket against your lap. 

“That’s one way it could go,” Jungkok hummed as he fiddled with your shirt making you whine a little, tugging away with him in indication for him to stop only for him to ignore it, “The other could be Yeri leaves and i’ll have my best bachelor bud ba- ow!” 

You swatted his arm angrily making him chuckle a little as he pulled away, “What?”

“Don’t talk like that! What do you have against Yeri!?” You cried out pointedly as Jungkook raised his brow in semi surprise. 

“Woah wait, I don’t have anything against her-” 

“Sure you do! Yeri told me how much of a jerk you were to her when she first started dating Taehyung! And making jokes like that isn’t funny!” Your brows pinched together and Jungkook sighed in exasperation when he realized you were being partially serious, “I just want them to be happy!”

“I don’t have anything against her,” Jungkook replied, this time more stern in his words, “And yes, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend like I wasn’t an asshole to her, I was. But only because I was still bitter about what had happened in the past and I projected that, unfairly onto their relationship. I wasn’t mature in the slightest either about it. I get it, but at the time I was just scared and I didn’t want my friend taken away from me.” He shrugged, “But it’s all in the past now, that’s nearly what? Two years ago now? I’m happy for them, really. I was just being careless when I made the remark.” 

You set the basket down to cross your arms as you huffed, obviously still upset but at least Jungkook was honest, or so he thought. Better to be honest then lie and screw everything up.

“What? Are you gonna be mad at me now the rest of the day?” Jungkook shoved your shoulder gently with his in a playful motion he’d often use to try and lighten the mood a little. 

He internally sighed at seeing you not budge, your arms crossed as you pressed your lips together,  “I won’t,” You mumbled, “I just want you to not be so…” You waved your hand a little as your lips curled with a sigh, “When it comes to Taehyung and Yeri, is it really a crime Taehyung wants to marry her?” 

Jungkook paused for a moment, what? He didn’t….didn’t he just explain? He sighed, “What? Do you think that’s a reflection of my view of marriage?” When you didn’t answer him Jungkook sighed in exasperation, “Alright fine, obviously I have to prove my devotion, again.” 

“Jungkook what- what are you doing!” 

Jungkook couldn’t hold in his laugh at the way you scurried in your seat at the sight of him sliding off his chair to kneel on the ground, grabbing your knees making you jolt, “Let’s go elope baby. Right now- or as soon as the laundry is done-” 

“Get up! People are staring!” You hissed out despite giggles escaping you as you tried to push Jungkook away who grabbed your hands, pressing kisses on them as he pulled you down a little with a whisper. 

“I will when you say yes. This is what this is about, right? You think I got something against marriage? Well let me prove you wrong baby.” Jungkook growled playfully in your ear as you pulled away. 

A loud beep cut him off, making both him and you jump as the washer that held both of your clothes stopped, “I’m not finished with you yet baby.” Jungkook had that dorky half smile on his face as he stood up to get the clothes out of the washer and into the dryer. 

Marriage huh...For a brief moment, Jungkook wanted to snort at the notion, him? Marriage? He never really gave it any genuine thought mainly because he never thought he’d be worthy of marrying, well….anyone. 

And for the longest time he didn’t even believe in marriage, the idea of being together with someone, forever really made him squirm when he was younger, possibly because his only example of marriage was his parents and he wasn’t even sure if they were married in the first place. 

A lot of examples throughout Jungkook’s life were bad examples. It was often difficult for him to try and accomplish a new idea without anything to lead by. But…his eyes trailed back to your figure who was still reeling about what had just happened. Maybe…

Just maybe…

Pushing the button on the dryer Jungkook plopped back in his seat going to speak to you but he paused when he noticed how stiff you were, your eyes were on the door to the laundromat where people were going in and out of view on the busy street, “What baby?” Jungkook furrowed his brows a little, confused as to why you looked so cautious all of a sudden. 

You looked at him briefly as if consulting something in your mind on what to say before you leaned back down in your seat, your eyes on your fingers as you fiddled with them the way you always did when you got nervous, “...Maybe...we should go to the police Jungkook...you know...about what’s going on, what happened…” 

Jungkook paused in his tracks. Police? He didn’t mean to immediately frown but…”Baby listen…” He sighed as he lowered his voice, not wanting to dismiss you as easily as he wanted too because he knew you genuinely cared and you were in a dangerous position being together with him, naturally you’d have a say so in what you both chose to do but...

Jungkook grabbed your hands tenderly as he spoke softly, “I...If it could be avoided I really don’t want the police involved- if they knew about my involvement in…” He didn’t even want to finish his sentence, would the police even care about how long it had been? Or the fact that he had been blackmailed into doing it for his sister's safety? 

Jungkook couldn’t take the risk, he couldn’t. There was too much unknown and risk for him to feel confident they would help rather than simply throw him in prison. You mirrored his expression as you sighed, your shoulders deflating a little as your bottom lip quivered the way it did when you were trying to not let yourself get upset. 

“I don’t think they’d do that Jungkook…!” You whispered and Jungkook couldn’t stand to look at the way your eyes were pleading, “I just- I don’t want anything to happen to you or- or to me! And- and maybe they could at least push these people back, right? I mean...We can’t keep taking risks like this.”

Jungkook lowered his gaze, despite his own fear he could never say no to you, not when you were pleading with him like this, especially when it was this dangerous. He ran a hand through his hair as he closed his eyes, “...I’ll think about it.” He relented, “Just let me think it over tonight okay?” 

It was the best he could do, Jungkook was only human. He wished he could be so much more, for his friends, for you, but he couldn’t. Your expression was still dim but you nodded in respect of his decision before leaning against him, your head resting against his shoulder. Jungkook let his own head rest atop of yours before pressing a kiss against your head while whispering, “Everything is gonna be okay baby.” 

Cherry Bomb was packed as ever, Jungkook had been helping out the majority of the night and truthfully, he enjoyed the rush of keeping up with lights, making sure girls were on schedule, he liked the busy atmosphere and more than anything he loved watching you dance and swing around a pole.

You were practically blowing competition out of the park left and right and your votes were only going up on Cherry’s twitter account. Not that Jungkook ever had a doubt in his mind about you taking first place, but seeing it on a screen really hit home that you were his baby and dammit could you do anything if you wanted too. 

“I think she’s gonna win!” Rosé squealed in her seat as she clapped her hands, “It’ll be so nice having another female soloist to help with the crowds!” Jungkook leaned back in his seat, saying nothing but his smile spoke for itself. 

“Maybe we’ll finally stop having to listen to Sejin bitch about our numbers dropping.” Seokjin yawned as he stretched out, “She’s pulled a big crowd on her own, who knows.” 

Jungkook clapped his hands together, “What did I say in the beginning?” He hummed as he furrowed his brows, that dorky boyish smile on his face making the others groan, “What was that? That I ah- said she’d make us money? That she’d be amazing? Hmmm? That’s the sound of me being right.” Jungkook chuckled as he listened to the crowd whistling as you exited the stage. 

Jungkook would never stop being proud of your accomplishments. Getting out of his chair he looked down at everyone prominently with a smirk as he crossed his arms before exiting to go find you. He was already semi hard from your performance and he wasn’t about to wait to get home. The bathroom stall was just gonna have to work for tonight. 

The staffing hallway was just as bustling as ever but things had calmed down admittedly, they had put you towards the ladder end of the contest so they could still keep a crowd for the majority of the night and now that you were finished things would soon be lowkey. Jungkook pushed the door open to Rosé’s dressing room as she had been kind enough to let you use it for the competition. 

Jungkook would’ve offered us own but...His nose twitched in an attempt to wrinkle, it was still messy in his room and they were still working on getting it cleaned up. You were sitting in your seat, taking off the earrings you had been wearing before a smile tugged on your lips at the sight of your boyfriend, “What?” You smiled, somewhat shyly as you adjusted your robe. 

Jungkook strutted over only to lean down, his arms around you as he pressed a kiss against your shoulder, “I’m gonna let you choose where I’m gonna fuck you baby.”

“Jungkook!” You jolted with a squeak at his crude words, that boyish smile on his face as he looked back at you in the mirror, “Jungkook!” You reiterated as you twisted around to look at him, your face warm as he raised his brows semi amused. 

Jungkook let his lips press against your neck as he chuckled against your warm skin, “I said what I said, I’m gonna go take a quick smoke and when I come back you better have an answer, yeah?” 

He smiled down at the way your eyes squinted a little at the mention of smoke, reaching up you pulled Jungkook back down, pressing your lips against his too quick for him to truly enjoy the taste of the vanilla chapstick you wore with the maroon lipstick that was probably transferred to his own lips, “You’re gonna get lung cancer if you keep smoking.” 

Jungkook puffed a breath, his lips threatening to curl at the way you were looking up at him softly, “I’m here for a good time, not a long time babygirl. Think carefully!” You shook your head as you watched him exit the room. 

You were happy to be performing again and having some resemblance of normalcy back, even if it was just on stage. Not to mention all the money you were making throughout the contest. Checking your phone your lips curled a little, you were currently in third place in ranking at the moment. No it wasn’t the best, but you’d take it. 

Glancing at the clock you hummed, noticing it had been about two minutes, your mind lingering on Jungkook’s words as you shook your head, a shy smile tugging on your lips. Well...he did enjoy the car after all...Fiddling with your phone you looked down at your lock screen once more. 

Time slowly ticked and eventually after five minutes you frowned, Jungkook normally didn’t take this long to smoke unless he got held up. You sighed, thinking back to your confrontation with Seulgi and how hurt she had seemed, as if it was your fault Jungkook fell in love with you...Well...you guessed in some ways it was. But still...she wouldn’t go out of her way to harass him tonight, would she? She had been talking shit earlier in the dressing room, hence you had decided to move into Rosé’s dressing room as she didn’t mind and you couldn’t be held responsible for whatever you did to her. 

You still didn’t fully understand her mindset, her words lingering in your head. Was she really just that big of a sore loser? The moment you stood up for yourself was the moment you threatened her very being? You just wanted to understand. 

Standing up you finished changing before deciding to go look for Jungkook, his absence after five minutes beginning to make you a little anxious to see him once more. Walking through the hallways you looked around, everyone was busy and with somewhere to be and yet you still couldn’t find him. Not in the dressing rooms, the bathrooms...Well, he did say he was going for a smoke. 

You rubbed your head, who would be out in the back exit beside him? He was the only person you ever used the back entrance anyway. The hall was dark and the red beam of LED cast down making the walls feel more narrow as you frowned cautiously pushing the door open to reveal the dark night sky and dingy alleyway that always made you uncomfortable.

That’s all you saw though. Jungkook nowhere to be found.

Panic flooded your veins at the sight of the pack of cigarettes laying on the ground and a half smoked bud. He was gone. Jungkook was gone. You could be overreacting but your gut was telling you otherwise, with shaking hands you yanked the door back open running room to room and once again, he was nowhere to be found. 

Opening the door to the main building where all the customers were, you hurried towards the bar, overwhelm beginning to flood your body as you desperately blinked back tears, pushing through people to get to the bar that had seemed pretty calm now that the majority of clients were leaving. 

“Hey! I’m glad we caught you just in time before you left-” A familiar face was sitting at the bar across from Taehyung as he greeted you but both men faltered at the sight of your choked voice as you closed your eyes, warm wet tears beginning to spill down your face. 

“Jungkook is gone! I- I can’t find him anywhere!” 

Note: yayyy!!! another chapter over and it’s gotten even worse!! we only have two chapters left guys I’m not prepared!!! :( lemme know what you think so far and ty for reading!

Taglist CLOSED

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[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Fifteen (Part Three)

Previous chapter here

Warnings: language, some suggestive sexuality, and some good old angst

Tags: @jennmurawski13 @kelbabyblue Thanks for the support!

Notes: Hope you enjoy this, and apologies for my poor spelling and grammar.

Chapter Fifteen: Part Three

She woke up earlier than him.

It was half six when she stepped into the shower having given up on her sleep. It had been a hot, rather uncomfortable night and the aircon barely broke a chill through the suite.

It was taking some getting used to, this sharing a bed, especially with someone who insisted on snuggling into the back of her. Sarah wasn’t much of a cuddler and Chris knew this. She would much rather wrap herself up in blankets and drift off to sleep but it didn’t stop him from slowly inching his body towards her throughout the night. It was a case of putting up with it for fear of falling off the end and breaking something.

She barely moved under the shower head except to allow the water to rain down on her skin and hopefully liven her up for the day. She was anxious, more anxious than she anticipated she would be. She was always able to keep her cool under test conditions, probably why she became a nurse in the first place, but something about this particular exam was hitting differently and she wasn’t sure why.

She eventually got dressed and went back into the bedroom to sort her hair. He would be annoyed she’d woken up before him now that he had decided he was single-handedly responsible for all her breakfast needs that week. Admittedly, though, it felt nice being looked after in this way. Really, really nice. It was like having her own PA.

He was sleeping flat on his stomach, one leg poking out from underneath the covers. He had wrapped his arms around a pillow and his low snore was rumbling through the warm air in the room. It was confusing how anyone could find that position comfortable and not wake up having lost all feeling down one side of his body. His back muscles were relaxed but still resembled something Michelangelo could only dream of painting. He was, in all honesty, a ridiculous specimen of a man. A man that told her he wanted her to get some good rest and sleep as much as possible. Who had closed her textbooks, ran her a hot bath, and climbed in behind her to massage her shoulders. Potential lingered in the air last night but he was going to stick to his word and not get in the way of her work. He told her he was glad he was with her and happily settled for stroking her hair as she fell asleep. Her head was lying on his chest but when she felt his heartbeat settle and his arms loosen around her, she softly rolled away from him like he knew she inevitably would.

At various times, they found themselves getting into a very comfortable and, dare she say it, enjoyable routine. It was surprisingly easy to do so when the door was locked. He had used the hotel gym to give her some peace for a few hours each morning. He had kept her fed and hydrated when she would have most likely forgotten both having had her nose stuck in her books for hours on end. He had watched daytime television in the bedroom and failed to hide his tears when a charity had rebuilt an elderly man’s home following a flood. When she asked, he had helped to test her using the notes she’d prepped for the exam. He read scripts as soon as they had landed in his inbox. His team was politely shocked at his new-found efficiency.

When they weren’t fooling around on the sofa in the evenings, she had taken a break to read over some lines with him. While at first he was very kind and promising with his notes, especially with some kissing scenes he’d invented, they both knew she was definitely not suited for a life in front of the camera.

“Don’t overthink it too much. Just go with your instincts.” he encouraged her to continue reading with him for fun but she had given up when he had fallen into a fit of laughter as she attempted to arrest him.

“Yeh, no, my brain doesn’t really work like that.” she responded, holding up her hands in defeat.

“Please? I’m sorry, I promise I won’t laugh.” he pleaded. “Again.”

It was easy to get used to having him around but she finally realised how and why women fell for him hard. There was something very childlike about him, something innocent even if he was anything but when they dimmed the lights. He was gentler and quieter than she knew him to be, less sure of himself at times than perhaps the impression he wilfully gave away to the public. She heard the criticisms he levelled at himself when reading his lines out loud and saw first-hand the pressure he placed upon himself where his career was concerned. But for every committed step them took forwards as they learned more about each other, even after all these years, something started to pull her back.

“Hey...”

She was broken from her contemplation by his groggy drawl. He turned on to his side and laid his hand in the space she had previously occupied. One eye had yet to open and his hair was pointing in all different directions.

“It’s far too early to get up, y’know.” He stretched his arm out to connect with her leg curled up underneath her as she looked back at him. “Oh shit. I forgot. Is it really this morning already?”

She stayed looking at him from where she was sat before nodding. “I should only be a couple of hours but I’ll swing by that bakery down the street and pick us up something nice for lunch. They do those almond croissants you like.”

He sighed, taking her in and smiling. She’d tied her hair in a side plait and was wearing a slightly fluffy striped sweater that he wanted to run his hands over. “Yeh, that sounds really nice, Bernette.” He didn’t miss a beat. “I could meet you afterwards? We could go for a walk through the Park?”

“I might just want to come home and cry.”

“Hey now, you’re gonna ace this test. I can feel it.” He was fully awake now, purposeful in his movements towards her to help put her mind at ease. “if I was your patient, I would be ecstatic to have you working on me.”

She chuckled to herself. He was always so confident expressing himself. She was jealous of that. She wished she could be as confident and as sure of herself, like the rest of the family were. It was one thing in her that stood out in stark contrast.

“What have you eaten? I didn’t hear any room service.” He probed, a serious look now glazing over his features.

“Oh it’s fine, I’ll grab something on the way. I’m not all that hungry to tell you the truth.” She tried to brush off his protests but it only served to make him more concerned.

“You’ve got time yet, let me order something up.” He made for the phone but was stopped as she got up from the bed. “You need to eat something, Sarah. You’re gonna be sat there for hours. I don’t want you passing out.”

“Alright, thank you, Dad!” she laughed. “It’s fine! This is not my first exam. I know what it’s like and I promise you I will get something from Starbucks on somewhere else on the way.”

“You’re going now?!”

“Yeh, I could do with a walk to clear my hear. I always found that helpful when back in school.” She was talking from the lounge as she tried to locate her boots. Something else Shanna had chucked into her suitcase without her realising, but she wasn’t as annoyed with this one.

“Give me ten minutes and I’ll come with you.”

She re-entered the bedroom to find him rifling through his bag for new clothes. “Why?”

“Because I wanna support my girlfriend! Jesus!” He was sharper than he had intended but carried on with his search for fresh boxers, throwing out some old stuff in haste like he was searching for long lost buried treasure.

She just looked at him. He’d never used that word before. They’d never talked about it. He acknowledged her silence and stopped to look at her, jeans in hand. He saw her awkward stance and instantly felt like shit. This was not the morning to lay this on her. He knew the very next words out of his mouth would determine how they moved forward.

He paused before chucking his jeans on the chair in front of him. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” she responded but she wasn’t sure it was.

“If you wanna head off, that’s totally cool. I’ll be here if you need me. Just text me when you’re done, yeh?”

She nodded at him, offered him as reassuring a smile as she could manage before leaving the bedroom to gather her things. He didn’t follow her; she heard the bed creak slightly so he must have chosen to stay put instead. It was probably for the best. She didn’t want the image of his pitiful face to be her last memory before sitting in silence for 90 minutes, trying in vain to concentrate as hard as she could.

*

The test went about as well as expected, if what she had expected was to doubt her basic entry-level abilities. She was one of seven that morning, six if you discount the gentleman that walked out fifteen minutes after he sat down.

It was multiple choice. It really shouldn’t have been that difficult. The answer was hiding in plain sight after all. She was reminded of something her tutor once told her and her graduating class before they left the relative comfort of their college:

“There will always be someone who knows more than we do.”

He didn’t mean it in a disparaging way - at least she didn’t think he did - but more that you go from being one of the best in your class to being surrounded by people who are equally as bright and as intuitive as you may be, and who will all have had different experiences. He wanted to say that sometimes, there is no one right answer. It was more than passing a test and qualifying; you have to adapt. You had to soak everything up like a sponge or else you risk becoming redundant in the very profession you devoted your life to. No wonder Medicine had the highest quit ratio. Boy, had she been naive.

Shanna 11.41am: OK OK I kno ur probably still super busy bt i’m dying to kno how it went?? Txt me when you get a sec babe xxxxx

She smiled down at her phone before typing a series of vomiting emojis. That should just about sum up her feelings. Scanning her phone again, she found a couple of messages from Audrey but none from Chris. She was surprised but would be lying if she didn’t admit to being relieved.

She meandered down the street towards the subway, thoughts swaying between reliving stupid mistakes she had convinced herself she had made, to what kind of mood Chris might be in. She texted him that she was finished and heading back like she promised she would, then the train was bang on time so she didn’t even have the luxury of blaming delays. Her legs weighed like lead as she approached the suite doorway, her lack of sleep the night before finally catching up with her.

Everything was deathly quiet when she entered. She paused after shutting the door behind her but still couldn’t hear anything. Certainly no trace of another person being present. Confused, she walked into the bedroom and found a note left on the comforter. He’d gone to the gym and told her to message him when she got back. This might give her the excuse she’d been seeking to grab five minutes alone.

She flopped on to the bed and turned to the side to catch the pile of notes and textbooks he’d shoved there the night before. So much promise contained in those few pages. So much knowledge that it felt like she had no business attempting to absorb it for her own personal gain. Many highly accomplished physicians and scientists had bound their entire lives to the duty of finding answers to the human body’s potential for extreme trauma. What exactly would a young, angst-ridden girl from Michigan bring to the table?

The door went a few moments later and she realised she had closed her eyes. She was lying on her back with her legs hanging off the end of the bed as he walked in, slightly sweaty but nevertheless a sight for sore eyes. Seeing him in this state was the nicest thing that had happened to her all day and she regretted their tense conversation earlier.

“Dude...” he muttered as he dropped his towel on the chair by the door and joined her on the bed. He flopped down alongside her with a heavy sigh.

“Good workout?” she finally offered.

“Yeh, all good. Nothing too strenuous.” He replied like it was the most normal conversation in the world. “Good exam?”

“Oh yeh, same.” she replied just as casual as him before they both fell into a fit of giggles.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked after they had both calmed down.

She took a deep breath. “Not really.”

“You want me to guess?”

“Chris...”

“What?” his voice was a little whinier than he would have liked at this particular time. “I know you. You’re writing yourself off before you know what’s happened.”

“Who said I was writing myself off?” She pushed back. “It’s normal to feel like this. It’s just...nerves or whatever.”

“Yeh, well, there’s no point worrying about something twice.”

She didn’t want to talk about this right now. She was silently hoping he would make a move on her after refraining from touching her the night before when she was definitely in the mood for him. “It’s just...it’s hard to explain.” She got up from the bed and shuffled into the bathroom to remove what little make-up she had put on that morning.

“Try and tell me about it. What was it like? How many questions were there? How many people turned up?”

She threw the face wipe in the bin and ran the tap water to wash her hands. She knew he wasn’t going to budge from his trajectory. She knew he wasn’t going to stop picking at her to talk about it. She leaned her hands on the marble top and took a deep breath.

“It was harder than I imagined it would be. I think I just froze. Like, basic stuff I do day in and day out just wasn’t coming to me.”

“If doing auditions has taught me anything it’s that you always think you’ve done worse than you have. It’s just natural. The brain works in strange ways sometimes. It can trick you.” he reasoned, finally moving into the bathroom but not daring to reach out to her. He settled for backing up against the wall inside the doorway.

“I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be a good result, thought.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” He spoke softly, comfortingly. “You’re so smart and so capable of doing this. You just gotta believe in yourself.”

She nodded in acceptable of what he was trying to say and looked at him face-on. His brow was defined with those worry lines again which made feel a little crap, but he still had a boyish shine about him, no doubt because of the glow from his workout. She would have been a heaving red mess.

“What are you thnking about?” he asked.

She continued studying him, trying to arrange her thoughts. “Is this all there is to life?” she asked after another moment had passed. “You find something you like to do and that’s it, you just coast for 40 years?”

He contemplated her question for a second. “Yeh. Pretty much.”

Sarah huffed out a laugh, not fully appreciating his brutal honest at this moment in time.

“But not everyone is lucky to even get that far.” He moved into the bathroom to stand closer to her. “People can go years with no real clue of what it is they wanna do. You’re one of the lucky ones, Sarah. You figured it out when you were young, you did what you had to do and now you’re doing it for real. That’s less common that you think.”

It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate what he was trying to do, it’s just that often she had multiple anxieties convincing her of the opposite. It’s easy for him to say this, he’s already at the top of his game. He doesn’t have to other with the real world if he doesn’t want to. Most people don’t have the financial luxury of stopping to retrain as something different and Chris had always alluded to quitting acting while he was still young in order to take up something else, like carpentry or simply staying behind the scenes. He always figured he would stop when he had his first child but the reality for everyone else couldn’t afford them that same privilege.

“You are where you’re supposed to be.” He continued. “I don’t believe there is anyone better qualified at what it is they do than you. I believe that and I believe that you know that, too, deep down. You just gotta find the other stuff that keeps you happy in the meantime. Whatever it is that keeps you going.”

“What makes you happy?”

He smiled at her. “Well...what you see if what you get. Family, football, beer. Not necessarily in that order.” He was glad she was smiling again. “Spending time with the people I love. Recognising that I love them and that they love me back and that that love is wonderful.”

“You’re so lucky you don’t second guess yourself all the time.”

“Oh, believe me, I do.” he impressed. “It’s just that I learned some things a few years ago that helped me now. Like taking a deep breath and letting it wash over you. It’s natural to feel doubt but it’s what happens afterwards that really matters. It’s how we choose to perceive the things that happen to us, and how we move forward.”

“Anything has gotta be easier than feeling like this.”

“It’s not always a good thing. Sometimes you have to wait for other people to catch up.” He leaned onto the counter next to her, the mirror in front of them spotlighting them both and making them both appear a little pathetic in their current gait.

“I should start packing.” She whispered after a few more silent moments had passed by.

Neither of them made the effort to move but check-out was 2pm at the latest if Chris had bought it and she was almost certain he had. She would eventually need to make her way to the station and presumably Chris would simply head home in his car. Back to Boston. Back to reality.

“We still have some time. We could order up some lunch if you want to? I’m not entirely convinced you ate anything this morning.”

She watched him in the mirror as he turned to face her, a sterner look in his eyes. He was pretty certain he could read her face this time and her lip-bite told him he was right.

“Or we could do something else with the little time we have left.” He reached out his hand to touch hers, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles. She didn’t more away so he chanced his arm and pulled her closer to him before kissing the inside of her palm and wrist. “It was so hard last night.”

She smirked at him before it dawned on him. “I mean...you know what I mean.” He rolled his eyes. “It was hard for me to lie so close to you and not touch you. I really meant what I said, about you getting a good night’s rest but fuck me, it was difficult.”

“I know. It was hard for me, too.”

“We don’t get this kind of time together,” he looked down at her hands, held tightly in his. “And I’ve really, really enjoyed myself. I feel more normal around you. I can’t explain it.”

“It’s OK. You don’t need to say anything.”

This was the type of conversation Sarah would ordinarily run a mile from had it been with anyone else. Chris seemed to understand as well as he stopped himself from talking some more. She was being held in place by the literal limited space around her as he planted himself in her way. He looked down at her causing her to freeze up and, mentally, she began checking if she could feel her feet.

She slowly ran her hands up and down his arms in an attempt to sooth him. She saw him glance down at her lips and she hoped he would end the silence by kissing her but there was no such luck. He was trying to figure something out but what, she didn’t know. He was waiting for her next move.

“I don’t think we’ve thought this much about what happens, when...” he paused, gauging her for a response or an indication that she was OK with what he was about to say. Perhaps even anticipating it in some way. “Sarah, I have these feelings for you and they’re getting stronger and these past few days have told me that I’m right. Do you know what I mean?”

She did know. She didn’t much want to know, but she did. “Let’s pause this and figure it out another time, yeh?” He hands rubbed up to the rest of his shoulders. “Let’s just enjoy this while it lasts. There’ll be another time for talking.”

He wasn’t convinced but assuaged enough to kiss her again, a little harder this time. His hand slipped into her hair to hold her to him and she responded by wrapping her arms around his neck. They had time.

*

She should have known he would have had the idea to drive them both back home. Yes, there was no need for her to sit on a busy commuter train for three hours but still. She did almost say yes but she would feel awkward asking him to drop her off blocks away from her home and he would inevitably disagree and they’d argue. Not argue per se. They never really argued, but it would become a thing and she didn’t have the heart to disappoint him a third time that day.

They were in happy moods by the time they checked out. All ideas of having a more serious conversation had evaporated quickly after she pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. He had them both naked in record time even for him, and she made a point to memorise his face and the rush of red through his skin when she watched him cum hard underneath her.

She’d bought him a coffee from the cafe bar inside the reception and he’d thanked her with a gentle peck on the lips before slipping away via the underground garage, ball cap pulled down low over his eyes. She felt the light bruises form on her thighs and smiled to herself at the memory of where his hands had been when she walked into the apartment to find Shanna in tears. She froze on the spot.

“Oh my god, what the hell happened?” Finally finding her voice when registering the scene in front of her. Sarah dropped her bags and ran to the couch to wrap an arm around her friend. “Why are you crying?”

“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon. Sorry, I’m...” Shanna tried to gather her thoughts. “It’s stupid really. I don’t even know what I’m crying.”

“Well, it’s not stupid. It’s obviously something because it’s made you upset.” She pulled her hand inside the sleeve of her hoodie and used it to wipe away her tears. “Do you wanna talk about it? Is it something I can help with?”

“Not really.” This wasn’t the feisty Shan Sarah knew. “Turns out Robbie wasn’t interested in me after all because he’s asked somebody else out. I should have known really. He definitely wouldn’t be interested in me.”

“Oh love,” Sarah empathised.

“It’s not even like I was really all that bothered about him, honestly.” She continued. “It’s just, it’s been a while since someone decent asked me out on a date, y’know? Someone smart who had potential. Normally, they have to be drunk to even approach me and they just end up being dickheads. All of them.”

Knowing Shanna as well as she did, she knew Shanna wouldn’t appreciate an empty platitude. “I think it happens to the best of us. You should hear some of the tales Audrey has. She’s experienced some crazy shit.”

“Yeh? How did she meet Michael?”

“She didn’t make it easy for him that’s for sure!” she chuckled and felt relief at the grin now showing on Shan’s face. “The way she tells it, she stopped looking. Just stopped going to bars and clubs, spent more time doing the things she enjoyed and more time with her friends and family. Randomly met him at a march in the city, can you believe that? He wasn’t even supposed to be there but his brother dragged him along apparently.”

“I think she was right to concentrate on her friends and family. I should take a leaf out of her book. At least you can count on them to keep you sane.”

A sense of unease found its way into Sarah’s head. “Yeh, definitely. You never know when a good thing will strike and maybe this shows you that you know what you don’t want anymore. That’s gotta be a positive thing, right?”

“Yeh, it just feels a bit crap but I’ll probably feel better in the morning.” Shanna got up from the couch and Sarah sense it was more so to hide a few more tears. “I got some wine earlier, do you fancy a glass?”

“Uh yeh sounds good. I’ll just go and sort my stuff out.”

“Oh fucking hell!” Shanna smacked her hand to her face. “I’m so sorry! How did it go?”

Sarah held her bag loosely in her hand, her attempt at making a quick getaway to her room without discussing the exam a failure. “Oh, it was what it was. I won’t find out for a little while so no point worrying about it twice, right?”

“Huh, you sound just like Chris.” Shanna said before walking back into the kitchen. “I’m sure you did great, though. You always do.”

“Thanks.” She carried on to her room to dump her stuff. She would sort it out tomorrow. Right now, she figured Shan would want to get a little bit drunk and Sarah was on a late tomorrow anyway, so...it wouldn’t do them any harm.

“Hey, Sarah?” Shan called from the kitchen.

“Yeh?”

“Who did you have coffee with?”

Confusion set in as Sarah tried to figure out what Shanna was talking about. She peered her head round the door. “What?”

“Coffee today?” Shanna responded, holding a crumpled piece of paper in her hand. “This dropped out of your coat, I think. Coffee for two?”

Confusion quickly turned into full-blown panic as she realised what she had done. Fuck. “Oh, um, I just...” She stumbled over herself and felt her skin redden and get hotter. She must have looked a sight. “Um...it wasn’t...”

“Hey, listen, you don’t need to explain anything.”

“Oh no that’s not what it is-”

“-At least one of us is having better luck in the romance department.”

“Shan, it’s not-”

“-I’m so glad you and Greg are getting on well.” Shanna handed over the receipt to Sarah before regarding what must have looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. “I mean that. He seems nice and you absolutely deserve to have some fun for a change. I know I haven’t been very supportive of this whole thing with Charlotte but I worry about you a little bit sometimes. After everything that’s happened, I guess I just didn’t wanna see you hurt again.”

Sarah was frozen to the spot. Numb. Shanna had put two and two together and thought the best of her friend. Sarah didn’t deserve that.

“He seems like he’s being really supportive right now and being the person that I should perhaps be. I will try to be better, I promise.” Shanna apologised.

Sarah looked down at the slip of paper in her hand and then to the floor, a little bit of feeling starting to return to her legs. “Shan,” she started quietly, so quietly that she missed it entirely and when she looked back up, Shanna was walking back into the kitchen.

“I mean it. You’ve always been amazing to me. Picking me up when I need it and looking after me. Everyone says I take you for granted sometimes and they’re absolutely right so I just wanted to say that I will back you up 100% from now on. No excuses. You and me against the world, right?”

Shanna flashed her a broad and hopeful grin and all Sarah could do was return a limp version in response. 

“Let’s get that wine opened and you can tell me all about it.”

Shanna disappeared into the kitchen again. If she had stayed a second longer she would have seen tears form in Sarah’s eyes at the knowledge that she screwed everything up. She and Chris had diverted a conversation on the promise of having it another time but that was never going to happen. Not now.

How could it?

*

[mysticalmaximoff]

Virgins

Peter Parker x Reader

Age: 18+

Warnings: smut, fingering, oral, sexy times, fluff, some swearing

Word count: 1.8k

Summary: Reader and Peter have been mutually masturbating together because Peter doesn’t want to take their relationship further. Reader is finds this to be torture and opens up to him. Then things get steamy.

I exit the bathroom, flustered from the thoughts of the previous day. “Hey do you wanna repeat what we did yesterday” Peter chuckles. Holding in my emotions I reply “can we not do that for a while” “Yeah, of course. Just curious, and no pressure whatsoever, why?” His question releases the floodgate of tears that were being withheld. “I can’t, I just can’t masturbate in front of you and still not touch you. I mean, I can, but not in the way I want to. I can’t, I can’t” “Hey, hey come here, it’s alright” Peter says as he envelops me into a warm embrace.

“No it isn’t, I just want to kiss your lips. To kiss your neck, I want to be the reason you moan, not your hands, me. I want to make you scream my name. I just want to feel you inside me, and cum because of you. Masturbating in front of you and not being able to touch you in the ways I really want to is just torture, I can’t handle it anymore, please, I can’t.” I sob, laying all my tears and emotions on the table for him to see. “Hey I’m not gonna make you do anything,” he says while gently adjusting my head so we can make eye contact, “I love you, and I know I told you I wasn’t ready, but I am now.”

“No, no I don’t want your first time to be forced. I don’t feel comfortable making you.”

“You aren’t forcing me to do anything. I sincerely want to. I’ve been wanting to for a long time, and I’m really sorry I’ve been making you feel that way.” Peter explains. backing out of his hug, I respond “no, I don’t want to make love to you if you didn’t bring it up, I did, I’m forcing you to do it, no. we are doing nothing, I refuse.”

“Hey, I promise you, I really have been wanting to, I’ve just been really nervous about it. I know you really want to and to be completely honest, it’s been torture to watch you wriggle around next to me from an orgasm that I didn’t help you have.”

“You promise?” I ask.

“I promise.” he responds, waiting a second for the thought to sink into the air. Slowly he leans forward and softly grazes my lips, allowing me to deepen it. I keep the kiss at a slow pace out of nerves. Are we really going to do it? are we really about to lose our virginities? pulling out of the kiss, I explain “do you want to go to my bedroom?”

“Fuck yes” he replies, with love in his eyes.

I lay back on the bed as he climbs on top of me. Lovingly, Peter kisses the side of my stomach while lifting my shirt off, breathing in my scent, he licks and sucks my skin. Starting a hickey. my skin burns, radiating yearning. my god, this feels good. I moan from the loss of contact. Moving my head down I notice where he was moving his head to. “No please, I want to make you moan, I’ve heard of guys cumming from giving their girlfriends head, I really want to go down on you first” I beg.

“I promise you I won’t, i’ll hold it in so I can cum inside you, of course with a condom on, I mean” he explains flustered from my plea. “Okay.”

“Is it alright if I go down on you?” he asks, unsure if I want him to proceed. I nod while giggling. Gently, Peter unbuckles my pants and pulls them down while kissing my thighs. I look away from the insane torture all of this teasing was putting me through. Abruptly, I feel his hot tongue swipe across my clit. “Oh, Peter that feels so good” I cry, god how much I’ve wanted this and now it is actually happening right now. I can’t believe it. Peter keeps it at a slow pace, dragging his tongue from my clit to my hole, back up to my clit. Circling and moaning from my taste. His moans vibrate against my clit and raise my blood by ten degrees. He pulls his head away to ask if he can add a finger. “Of course, please keep going” I whine. Peter smiles and goes back down, working his magic. Peter inserts a finger slowly into my cunt. “I’ve fingered myself before, you don’t have to go so slow” I whimper.

“I want to start off slow” Peter grins cheekily and nudges his face against my thigh. God the way his face looks. He resumes back to lapping his tongue against my clit and starts increasing his speed of fingering me. I begin to arch my back out of pleasure. God the way his fingers feel. Suddenly, Peter begins to suck mercilessly on my clit while inserting another finger inside me. “God Peter, god that feels amazing, please, agh” a moan interrupting my sentence, “please, k-keep going, ah.” My entire body is wound so tight, I can feel an orgasm rising in the pit of my stomach. My toes begin to curl, and the sound of a load moan from Peter sent me over the edge. “Aghh” I scream out of pure pleasure as my sight goes white. As I open my eyes, I notice the streams of tears that coat my face. I must have cried when I came. Looking down at the sight of Peter made me grin. “Hey beautiful, your turn” I smile wider. He looks up at me with a look of concern, “I am so sorry! I thought I could control myself.” Peter explains covering his face with his hands. Confused, I look down at his pants and see the massive wet spot. “Can I clean it up?” I ask.

“What?”

“Can I clean it up?”

“I guess. I mean you don’t have to.”

“I want to.” I sit up and slowly push him onto the bed. He shrinks back onto the bed, embarrassed by his body’s betrayal. I pull his pants down and mention “wow you really made a mess huh” I giggle. “I am so sorry y/n, I really didn’t mean to-oh god, I didn’t know you were gonna clean it up th-that way, agh” he moans from my licking. he was now putty in my hands. I am now the root of his pleasure. I begin to leisurely pump his shaft while making eye contact with him. kissing his v-line evokes a rather large moan from Peter and causes him to throw his shirt off. I start to suck on the region and this causes him to bite his lip. “God y/n that feels so fucking great.” “With a filthy mouth like that, I can’t believe you ate me out” I chuckle.

“And I hope to have the pleasure of doing it again-agh please keep doing that ahh” he cries as I suck on his now hard penis.

“Seems that you have something to be proud of Peter. you can get hard again incredibly fast.” I smile.

“You can make me hard incredibly fast,” Peter praises. His words hang in the air for a moment and then I mention, “by the way, you cumming from just my moans is literally the most adorable thing. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It is the highest compliment I have ever experienced.” Peter blushes a ridiculous shade of red. “I’m glad you took it that way, I was afraid you would be disappointed in me.” “Peter, I love you, we are both new at this and we don’t have to be ashamed of anything that happens between the two of us here on out, okay?”

“Alright, I love you to” he says as he pulls me into a passionate kiss. His lips feel inviting and I relish the person they are attached to.

“Are you ready?” I ask, still unsure if he really wants to take the next step.

“Yes” Peter beams. His lack of hesitation eases my nerves.

“Okay.” I say. I open the bedside table and reach in for a condom, I open the package and slide it onto his member. Looking up at his chocolate eyes, a wave of nervousness and exhilaration hits me. We are really going to do it. I kiss him one last time and am about to sit on him when he stops me. “Wait, I feel like for the first time I should be on top, just so I can stop your pain more easily if it hurts too much” Peter clarifies.

“Alright, sure.” Thank god. I am so scared of the pain. He enters me slowly as I scrunch my face in anticipation. My wetness aids his entry. God, it feels… good. No pain at all. “Does it hurt at all?” Peter questions while holding back moans and hip thrusts.

“No. There’s none.” I look into his eyes “you can move now, just go slowly, just in case.” He nods and cautiously draws himself out of me.

“Anything?”

“Woah”

“What? Did I hurt you? Are you alright?” Peter asks with concern raising his voice. Gripping his back, I put my head against his chest and moan an incredibly loud moan.

“Please, please move now, please, I need you to move-agh” I moan as Peter starts a rhythm of thrusting.

“Oh Peter you feel so fucking good, god I can’t believe we are this close” I say looking at his eyes with an open mouth and tears beginning to leave my eyes. At the sight of my state, Peter moans an impressively loud moan, throwing his head back in the process. I lick and kiss his neck as best as I could while going through the overwhelming pleasure. His moans sound heavenly.

“You know I've been wa-wanting to make you moan for quite a long hah… time, and those pretty moans of yours are f-far from a disappointment.” I stutter.

“God y/n” Peter mutters unable to say anything else, his hip humping myself uncontrollably. His muscles look glorious under the soft light of the room. “God I love you” he moans and grabs my breasts. “God you are so beautiful, i… i- ah” he moans louder making the bed squeak with a more powerful hip thrust. His shaft begins to hit my g-spot when Peter adjusts his angle. “Woah, Peter agh, Peter k-keep doing that, please, please” I plead as my voice increasingly gets to a higher pitch. I start to feel the familiar rise in pressure within my body. As Peter hits my g-spot for a tenth time, I become undone and scream his name. He continues to thrust inside me, riding my orgasm as I realize Peter is still keeping a steady pace. “Are you close?” I ask.

“I’m going to make you cum multiple times tonight darling”

[tvobsessed96]

Top 10 TV Episodes of 2019

10. Marvel’s Runaways- Season 3, Episode 10- “Cheat the Gallows”

I’ll be the first to admit that Runaways is not a perfect show. I didn’t like season 1 all that much, mostly because Pride’s motivations and ultimate goals were too poorly defined for my tastes. I’m not expecting a big expositional villain monologue, but I at least need to understand what the villains are trying to accomplish and why. Otherwise, it’s hard to get emotionally invested. Having said that, season 2 was a marked improvement, and I wound up falling in love with this scrappy bunch of kids anyway. Which makes it all the more disappointing that the season that proved Runaways could be something great if it tried ended up being its last. I enjoyed season 3 a lot. The writing was better, the performances stepped up to match, and as annoyed as I am that the evil alien family trying to kill everyone plot was dropped unceremoniously without a satisfying explanation partway through the season, the battle with Morgan le Fey was filled with enough danger and tension to make up for it. But rather than choose that climactic battle as my entry for this list, I went with the messy, emotionally fraught aftermath. “Cheat the Gallows” could have been a simple, somewhat patriarchal story about a man going back in time to rescue the woman he loves, but it ended up being about a family clawing its way back together after wrestling with a shared trauma. Which, come to think of it, is pretty much exactly how the show started! Talk about coming full circle. The episode also ended up being a bit of a meditation on time itself, as the older versions of the Runaways contemplate the fact that Gert’s death led them down the paths that made them who they are. Once that’s erased, so are they. This realization gives the Runaways, mostly Nico, a chance to think about what they would have done differently, leading to a powerful scene in which Nico talks with her past self and pleads with her not to make the same mistakes she did. I bet we’ve all wished we could do that at one point or another. I also like that the episode ends with the sense that, with Gert saved, the Runaways might just be okay. Even if the note left for Alex by his murderous older self adds an ominous note to the whole thing.

9. So You Think You Can Dance- Season 16, Epsiode 15- “Live Finale Winner Announced”

So You Think You Can Dance continues to be the best reality competition show no one’s really talking about. Cat Deely has been robbed of her Emmy for best host too many times, but I digress. This show is always the highlight of my summer, and season 16 was no exception. Another season of amazing choreography, amazing performances, and a truly deserving winner that I can’t really be mad about, even if I was rooting for other dancers just as much. It was another really fun season, and I can’t wait for season 17! There’s a reason Fox keeps renewing this show despite the ratings, is all I’m saying.

8. Emergence- Season 1, Episode 9- “Where You Belong”

It’s true that the first half of Emergence’s freshman season was a bit uneven. The writing isn’t quite as compelling as it could be, and it does rely on some sci-fi cliches. But I’m a sucker for a good found family story, so I stuck it out. And I’m certainly glad I did, because the mid-season finale was pretty great! An excellent sense of stakes, and enough tension to keep you on the edge of your seat without skimping on the sweeter moments. It culminates in one of the most brilliant twists I’ve seen on TV since The Good Place! I’m curious to see what the rest of the season will bring.

7. Veronica Mars- Season 4, Episode 3- “Keep Calm and Party On”

I’m willing to bet that this will be the most controversial pick on the list, for several reasons. No, season 4 of Veronica Mars was not as good as its first, and I have problems with the way Rob Thomas and Kristen Bell handled the fan response to the ending. And that’s before we get to the episode itself. Many long-time fans of the series took serious issue with the extended party scene in this episode, given that Veronica was drugged and raped at a party in high school. There’s also her mother’s own history of alcoholism to consider. But while I absolutely sympathize with those concerns, Veronica’s decision to let loose and party still feels understandable to me. Given everything that’s been going on with the bombing case, she's searching for some kind of release. And if there was a year where the desire to just forget about the world for a while, past traumas be damned, felt all too real, it was 2019. And that’s why “Keep Calm and Party On” makes the list.

6. Single Parents- Season 1, Episode 23- “Ketchup”

Will and Angie are clearly the Jess and Nick of Single Parents, which is fine. But part of me is sort of hoping they don’t get together, because their friendship is pretty great. In this episode, Will takes Angie to a terrible fast food restaurant to confront Graham’s dad about abandoning her while she was pregnant. Will ends up using a bunch of food metaphors to explain to Derek what an amazing mother and person Angie is, and it’s fantastic! Add that to Douglas and Poppy realizing their feelings for each other, and you’ve got an episode that’s as completely hilarious as it is completely sweet. If you haven’t watched this show, check it out! It’s pretty delightful. 

5. Stumptown- Season 1, Episode 3- “Rip City Dicks”

Stumptown was the best new show this fall, hands down. The first half of its first season didn’t end quite as strongly as it started, but it gave us some fantastic episodes along the way. “Rip City Dicks” is one of them. Dex is hoping to apprentice under veteran PI Artie Banks in order to earn her license, but gets a cold, hard dose of reality when he sells out their client and her child to make a quick buck. Dex does learn a valuable lesson from it, though. Exactly what kind of private investigator she doesn’t want to be. The episode ends with an amazing, very feminist monologue from Dex promising Candace that she’ll get her kid back. It’s a fantastic performance from Cobie Smulders, and I’m really looking forward to the rest of the season! If you’re not watching Stumptown, you’re missing out.

4. This Is Us- Season 4, Episode 7- “The Dinner and the Date”

America’s favorite cry-worthy family drama gave us plenty of great episodes this year, including a much-anticipated origin story for Beth Pearson. Out of all the possible options, I ended up choosing “The Dinner and the Date” as my entry for this list. On one hand, you’ve got a sweet story of young love set against the backdrop of Philadelphia. On the other hand, you’ve got a young Black kid trying to form his own identity in a way his white adoptive parents just can’t understand, no matter how hard they may try. It’s a beautiful episode, and I look forward to seeing what 2020 brings for the Pearson family.

3. Marvel’s Cloak and Dagger- Season 2, Episode 10- “Level Up”

Honestly, I could have chosen any episode form Cloak & Dagger’s stellar second season for this list. There’s the near-perfect three episode run of “B-Sides,” “Vikingtown Sound,” and “Two Player.” There’s also the dark, thought-provoking Emma Lahana showcase that is “Shadow Selves.” But I ended up choosing the finale, because it felt like such a perfect culmination of everything the show had been doing up to that point. Tandy and Ty take on every obstacle Andre throws at them with an abundance of grace and an unshakable faith in each other. The choice to have them literally fight each other’s demons was inspired! But the most powerful moment comes when Tandy gets the chance to confront her late father after everything she’s learned about him since his death. She tells him in no uncertain terms that she, and only she, gets to decide how big a part of her he is. She says that the only thing she can do in the face of adversity is level up. If there’s a lesson to take into 2020, it’s this. If you think you aren’t strong enough to face what the world sends your way, level up. Turn your dagger of light into a sword of light. Stare oppression in the face and say, with your whole being, “Not today.” Disney and Marvel made a big mistake in cancelling Cloak & Dagger. Huge.

2. Good Trouble- Season 1, Episode 8- “Byte Club”

I hope anyone who thought Good Trouble wouldn’t be as powerful as The Fosters is really embarrassed after these first 20 episodes, and I mean that in the best possible way. Good Trouble is everything a great spin-off should be. It keeps the spirit, heart, and progressive mission of the original show, while also feeling like its own distinct entity. It introduces an amazing cast of new characters to love, without forgetting to check in on the old ones every once in a while. “Byte Club” has to be the best offering the show’s given us so far. Facing rampant gender and race discrimination at work, Mariana rallies the women of Speckulate to come up with a set of tips to help them assert themselves in the workplace. The advice they come up with is solid, and actually really useful in real life. But it’s made even more powerful when Mariana points out that women in professional spaces shouldn’t have to jump through all these ridiculous hoops just to get recognized for having an idea! And that’s not the only powerful feminist moment of the episode. Callie discovers that the reason Rebecca ended up as a clerk for Judge Wilson is because her previous judge sexually harassed her, and her powerful family refused to do anything about it other than get her out of there. I’ll admit that Callie had no right to insert herself into that situation and guilt Rebecca into coming forward in the following episode, but it’s still an amazing scene featuring excellent performances from Maia Mitchell and Molly McCook. I’m so excited for more Good Trouble in the new year!

1. The Good Place- Season 3, Episode 13- “Pandemonium”

The final season of The Good Place has been fantastic so far, and several of the most recent episodes almost made this list. But at the end of the day, “Pandemonium” is the kind of episode that makes me want to make television. To make something that will touch other people the way this episode touched me. I could go on and on about the beautiful love story between Eleanor and Chidi. But instead, I want to focus on the final scene, in which a distraught Eleanor calls Janet into her office and demands the answer to, well, everything. What does it all mean? Because if there’s no greater meaning, then the universe is just made of pain, and Eleanor can’t accept that. Janet’s response is what really makes the scene sing, so I’ll quote it here. “If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn’t be special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it’s euphoria.” To which Eleanor replies that all she can do is “embrace the pandemonium” and “find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now.” And then she steels herself, opens the door, and welcomes her soulmate who has no idea who she is into the afterlife. This is the same philosophical bent that made me adore Angel so much, and it works just as well here. This episode aired all the way back in January, and these sentiments got me through awful headline after awful headline in 2019. Catch up on The Good Place if you haven’t already. It will be going off the air soon, and our lives will be all the worse for it.

[aesthetemyg]

The End Of Humanity

Genre : Angst with a little fluff

Pairing : Min Yoongi x Reader

Gender : Genderneutal 

Warnings : dark imagery, death, strong language, emotional

Word Count : 19k

Summary : A story about a couple who got into a fight and on the verge of breaking up they were both left heartbroken but all of a sudden they receive an alert on their phone. The world they once knew will be ending. They suddenly feel regret but will they find each other in time.

Author note : this is my first fiction on this website pray for me. Hopefully, this doesn’t suck too much for my first entry into the dark site of Tumblr. I love Yoongi with every organ of my body so this was emotional for me to write .-.

(Creds to owner of the gif)

You anxiously looked at the clock appearing on your phone once again.

3:21 am

Only six minutes from the last time you checked it, the worry was eating you up inside. Where is he? you thought, a million different scenarios were running through your head of the worst possibilities that could have taken place.

You noticed he has been drinking more and not coming home as often as he used to; you didn’t know why. You thought it was due to the stress of his upcoming new comeback, or maybe it was because he was avoiding you. It was breaking your heart to see him like this. You and Yoongi have always worked so well together, you have created so many memories together. You fell in love so deeply for him and you thought he fell deeply for you too but were you wrong?

This past two month you have been drifting further away from him each day. Things have changed, he has changed and for the first time in your relationship you debated if you wanted to continue living your life with him.

Your thoughts were cut short when you hear someone rustling on the door. You recognize the grunts behind the wooden entrance and instantly knew it was Yoongi. His stumbling state stepped into your shared apartment and you could instantly smell the alcohol radiating from him. You were angry, you were fed up with being treated like a doormat so you decided to confront him.

“it is 3am why are you back so late? I was worried” You decided to take the calm approach knowing that shouting at him isn’t going to help the situation. You were already exhausted from waiting for him all night so you didn’t have the energy to fight with him.

“You sound like my mother” he grunts rolling his eyes as he takes off his shoes and moves into the kitchen. His response only fueled your fire as you pushed yourself away from the sofa to follow him into the kitchen.

“Where were you?” You ask ignoring his previous statement. Luckily he looked roughly sober so you knew he could respond in a more conscious manner than what he would do if he was completely drunk. He begins to take a sip of water and sighs in annoyance.

“I was out” he replies bluntly taken another sip, he was looking out the window not even having the courtesy to look at you in the eyes when talking. he looked tired as you notice the bags under his eyes and his abnormal pale skin. his hair was damaged and you could visibly see the dark roots showing against his previous blonde hair.

“You were out?” You chuckle shaking your head “why have you become so cold lately? I have been waiting for you to come home for hours, this is the first time in two months that you have come home not completely drunk. Do you expect me to be okay with that? That I need to deal with your drunk state nearly every day? I’m trying to help you but you keep pushing me away, do you even want to be with me? I just don’t understand Yoongi. We have been happy together for four years I just don’t understand the sudden change in character” you admit your worries to him. You can feel a tear run down your cheek but you don’t bother to wipe it away. Deep inside you, you were hoping Yoongi would wipe the tears that he caused but unfortunately he didn’t.

“For fuck sake y/n! I have fun and drink for a few nights and suddenly you think I don’t want to be with you anymore? You are so fucking clingy, if you can’t handle me working late or getting drunk then maybe we shouldn’t be together!” Yoongi snaps slamming his glass against the kitchen counter, you were taken back from his words, his words hurt like a dagger in the heart.

“Why are you shouting at me for being concerned?! I couldn’t give a shit if you want to go out drinking but if you are doing it consistently for two fucking months and making me look after you when you are hangover then obviously there is a problem. You know what Yoongi, I’m fed up with this shit, maybe we should break up!” You finally let your rage take over your body, tears were streaming down your face. 

“Fine.” he said simply before he stormed out your shared apartment leaving you in heartbreak. You didn’t want him to leave; you wanted his comfort, you wanted him to tell you he was sorry and reassure you he was still in love with you. You loved him so fucking much it hurt and to even have the thought of him falling out of love with you broke your heart.

You cried yourself to sleep that night and the next morning wasn’t any easier. You sigh as you realise the empty space on the bed beside you, you look up at the ceiling collecting your thoughts and recalling the events that took place the night before. Are we really over? You thought. After minutes of thinking about the horror of last night you decide to finally get ready for the day, maybe distracting yourself will help ease the pain you thought.

After your hour session on getting ready, you go into the kitchen to make breakfast.

You couldn’t get Yoongi out of your mind, was it really the best for both of you to break up? You have been together so long that it hurt you to even think about life without him but you knew you couldn’t continue living your life like this. He was being unfair to you, you shouldn’t stay in a one-sided relationship.

A loud ringtone was alerting from your phone. The ringtone made you question if it was coming from your phone since it was a ringtone you didn’t recognise. When you realised the sound was in fact transferring from your phone a strange feeling in your stomach appeared.

Bing

Bing

Bing

Bing

Bing

Bing

Bing

You looked at your phone to investigate… your jaw drops instantly when you saw the message.

Emergency alert!

We have caught a signal of a missile that will soon be heading towards this destination we advise you to remain calm I repeat please remain calm this is not a drill.

No no no no

A missile?! This cant be you thought. You dropped your phone in utter terror. You thought it might be a joke or a miscalculation but all doubt was erased when you saw Yoongi’s name pop up on your phone. You quickly picked up your phone and press accept.

“y/n?!” thankfully you heard Yoongi from the other end of the line. You were shaking with fear and terror, hearing his voice brought you comfort. You started to regret everything you said last night, you just wanted him by your side.

“Yoongi I-I ple-please come over I-I don’t know what to do a-are you okay? I-I’m so scared” you cried out not caring about last nights events.

“I’m in my car now. listen, It will be okay, I’ll be there soon just stay calm, okay baby? Call as many people as you can… I-I don’t know what this alert means but I’m coming over. Are you in our apartment?” he asked, you could hear the panic in his voice which filled your body with more fear.

“y-y-es I am” you cry, your legs felt like they were going to break as your whole body felt weak.

“Okay stay there, I promise I’ll be there soon” before you could tell him you loved him he hung up, you cried out more. You were worried something will happen before he arrived. You wanted to run but you listened to his advice and stayed at your apartment. You could hear screams of people outside. You decided to look out the window and you saw a sea of people breaking shop windows and crying in terror. You saw children holding tight to their mothers and fathers. You couldn’t believe this was happening, suddenly everything that mattered seemed pointless.

You begin to look back at your life and wish you had done more, what if this really was the end? How could this happen so fast? of course, you knew war existed between countries it was always all over the news. What you didn’t anticipate was a missile to be heading your way potentially killing you and loved ones.

Loved Ones.

You forgot to follow Yoongi’s next request to call everyone so that is what you did. Before your mind processed what was happening you begun dialling your family and friends. Hearing their shaky voice and terrified cries further convinced you that this wasn’t a nightmare but reality. You tried to keep each conversation short the reason being if this really was the end you wanted to tell every person who you cared about that you loved them. You cried at each goodbye and each time you said goodbye the more your body ached.

The person you needed most is Yoongi, you started to worry as time was ticking. You needed to hug him, you need to tell him you loved him.

Everything in your life came in flashes, you recall all the happy memories you experienced. All the memories with Yoongi. Your first meeting, your first date, the first time he told you he loved you. You started to regret almost giving up on your relationship. If you didn’t have that argument he would be with you right now.

“Y/n?” You heard a voice from behind you, you looked back and standing in front of you was a messy-haired concerned Yoongi. He had tear-stained on his cheeks, you cried out more than you were before which you thought was impossible. The dark reality seemed a little brighter when you looked at Yoongi.

“Yoongi?” You cried happily and rushed into his arms, you both cried together in the embrace. You finally felt home and calm.

“y/n, listen” he pulled you out of his embrace and held you with both hands, he looked at you with is beautiful brown orbs. I’ve never seen him so terrified, you could see that he was hurting and so were you “I’m so sorry I treated you poorly, the truth is I was scared. I know you deserve better than me and the fear that I could lose you terrified me. So I started to drink and overworking myself because it made me feel better”

“Yoongi…”

“No, y/n i love you so fucking much living my life with you has been the best four years of my life and I know I’m not great at expressing my emotions but I guess the fear of losing my life and yours has motivated to finally own up to my mistakes" You and Yoongi both had tears streaming down your faces. At this moment it felt like you and Yoongi were the only two people in the world.

“I forgive you and I’m sorry too, who knew the only thing we needed to fix our relationship was the threat of death” you choke out, he sends you a sweet smile followed by a chuckle.

He cups your face with his hands and kisses you. It was filled with so much emotion and admiration, you could taste the salty tears that were streaming down on your lips. 

“I love you, baby. I’m happy that we get to die together” was the last words you heard before your world became a white.

[youreghanamissme]

2018, Eat My Harmattan Dust!

We did it! We survived 2017! Hoo-Boy, was it a tough year. It's been a positively transformative experience, but there were chunks of time where I felt like I was drowning in a lasagna of my own anxiety, trauma, and depression. But y'know what? It's a new year, and I have plenty to look forward to. I'm probably the happiest and most content now than I've been in the last two to three years, so Cheers!/ Mabuhay!/ La Chaim! to that!!

I'm off to my COS (Close of Service) conference in a few days, and in a few months, I'll be leaving Ghana. You'll read it across the plethora of PCV blogs that exist on the internet: “two years has flown by.” It sounds a little contrived, but it's one of the truisms of service. Most folks, myself being one of them, don't really hit their stride until the one year mark, and then you're just rollin' rollin' rollin' trying to be as productive as possible while still maintaining your sanity and taking in the beauty of everything—all the cultural nuances, the environmental overhaul, the punchline in the joke—happening around you. Sometimes I feel like I just got off the plane last month. It's hard to accept that this journey is almost finished.

I was re-reading some of my old blog entries, and I was struck at how doe-eyed I was! And how many of the circumstances that perplexed me no longer seem as big of a deal. Here are some of the changes I have witnessed for myself over the past two years:

1. Time. Time is a social construct. We give it value in America. Punctuality is a virtue to possess after all. But in Ghana, time is just time. Things will figure themselves out eventually, so why rush? It's a big deal when I need to catch a tro out of my community or when it's call to prayer, but otherwise, I don't pay much attention to it. I go by the heat of the day or the movement of the sun. That being said, I do feel like my life has been on pause while I've been here. I'm a little uneasy to go back to America where I feel like I'm behind the times culturally and professionally, but things will figure themselves out somehow ;)

2. Little pleasures. Reveling in a smile. A greeting. A goodbye. The sunset. The feel of the ocean against my legs. The kiss of the equatorial sun on my face. A productive day with my community members. The excitement of students. An old friend. A new friend. The breeze. The rain. The smell of wet earth. The buzz from a drink. The euphoria of good company. A platonic “I love you.”

3. Noise. I had a hard time adjusting to the perpetual din in the background (or, sometimes, assaulting me in the face). Much like waiting hours for your tro (bus) to fill, you'll never get completely used to the bangarang, but the rooster crowing at odd hours, the 4:30am call to prayer, someone's repetitive chanting to sell something, etc... they get drowned out a little after a while. Especially if there is a much louder noise accosting you, i.e. honking of a horn around every corner, the vibrating boom of Ghanaian high-life music, or the heart-jolting shot of a musket across the village.

4. Jogging-ish. I mentioned my somehow-running journey a few times in previous posts, but that's because it's had a pretty big impact on my sense of self. Before I came to Ghana, I detested running. Absolutely hated it with vitriol. I still don't love it, but I've learned to enjoy it somehow. It has less to do with weight loss (because I haven't lost any) and more to do with transformation. I presented myself with a challenge, and I succeeded on my own terms. I ran a race in Ghana, and I've adopted a healthy habit. That makes me happy; I'm proud of myself.

5. Wholesome eating. I eat beans, maize, and a way too much oil almost every day in Ghana. And while I gorge on processed candy and biscuits whenever I can, I also crave spinach, cheeses, fresh vegetables and fruits. I'm anticipating the day when I don't have to pay a premium to eat olives or butter! The variety in Ghana is seasonal, and I'd like to maintain that commitment to support local farmers in America. I'm considering joining a CSA and am honestly gleeful at the thought of cooking and prepping most of my meals myself when I go home (but also... Hot Cheetos. They are a non-issue).

6. Friendship. The best kind of ‘ships. Without my friends I wouldn't have made it this far. Some have left the country prematurely, finished up and having a hoot at home, or got lucky and transferred to a bigger community for work, but many are still here, striving and thriving. This year I vow to commit more of myself and my time investing in my friendships. I've realized that my time is the most important and valuable artifact I can offer. If I haven't been a good friend, I'm sorry. I'll do better, be better. But know that I cherish each and every one of you, even if the last time we talked was yesterday or twelve months ago.

7. Adventure-seeking. Traveling the world is a privilege. I know there are many articles on the internet that tout “You Can Easily Travel If You Do These 10 Tips” or something along those lines. That's a load of tone-deaf shit. Not everyone can afford to travel, even if they try to put away a fraction of their paycheck for a year. Some people have responsibilities/ barriers / circumstances that prevent them from taking even a week off to see the world, to feed their soul, and amaze their wonder. Life is hard, and the economy and political climate isn't helping. But life is short, and I want to make it a priority of mine to try to see and experience as much as I can. Ghana isn't the first country I've visited, but it certainly has had a profound impact on my wanderlust. I plan to do a solo COS-trip. I'm a little scared to do it alone, but it's also part of the thrill.

8. Reading. We all read a lot, but I didn't read as many books as I did articles or op-ed's until I came to Ghana and committed to the idea of finishing a book (and then some). I've read many that affected me on more levels than I can articulate; have altered my perception of seeming truths; have educated me; made me laugh, cry, cringe; given me book hangovers. I've rekindled (:P) my love for books, the printed book industry hasn't died, and I can't wait to get my hands on some Ta-Nehisi Coates.

9. Self-understanding. I've alluded to a lot of emo, angsty shit that went down this past year. Yeeeah, I'm not going to deep dive into that on this blog. That being said, life wasn't great for a good while. I was pretty lost and acted out a lot, and I needed a lot of extra emotional support because I couldn't bear all weight on my own. I relied heavily on my friends (My undying gratitude. You lovely humans know who you are) and introspection to climb out of the pit. Sometimes I trip and fall back in, but y'know, that's gonna happen. Since then, I've gotten to know myself a lot better. I've been growing into a fuller version of my best self all the while discovering my wants, goals, bad habits, and how far I can extend beyond what I believed was a limitation. I think this is what the young people call, a “glow up”!

10. Appreciation for this Earth, My Life. I've developed a greater appreciation for our natural resources and my personal circumstances so much more. Clean drinking water, access to education and health services, the beauty in the landscape. I hope to continue reducing my waste and creating positive change in the world. And also call my parents. I'm lucky to have been born and raised in America. They're refugees and naturalized American citizens, but life for them wasn't as peachy-keen. I forget that when I'm all wrapped up in my own life, neglecting that my life is an echo of their life too.

TBT to A little nugget at the nutrition IST

There were moments in service where I contemplated extending, especially if I landed a position that worked with girls empowerment and youth development... but there were also moments where I screamed to myself, “I need to GTFO of here!” And then I ruminate on the goings on in America: FCC votes against net neutrality (I hope that it gets overturned), the tax reform that will decimate the middle class, the increasing rent and crippling job market in the Bay Area, California, and I wonder: Should I extend? Should I attempt WOOF'ing across South America? Can I just be a vagabond until 2020? The next step is daunting AF.

I'm trying to embrace the strong probability of moving back in with my parents which is utterly—complete and without qualification—soul crushing. When I moved out of the house at seventeen, I never settled back in. I would visit, but I always maintained my own living arrangements, even when I was preparing to move to Ghana. Committing the ultimate millennial move is not beneath me. They're lovely people. We just can't cohabitate. But the one truth is: I'm excited to go back and start some semblance of a career, a decision that will give my mum some relief.

I've somehow committed to the idea of finally applying to nursing school, something I've grappled with for the last three to four years. I'm going to take the plunge... I think! I'm frightened, but that kind of fear is overrated. I'm also excited to...

Do cool things! Like enroll in a class for cooking, Spanish, drawing/painting, pottery, car mechanics, yoga, boxing (I still have those gloves...). It all sounds really expensive, but I want to invest in myself more.

Clear the physical detritus of my life. I have a lot of junk. A good ½  of it was donated to Good Will when I came back for my sister's wedding, but I think I can downsize some more (coughthoseboxingglovescough ??). I'm eager to live minimally.

Move. Living with my ma and pa is a real contender for practicality's sake, but I'm anxious to see more of America. Maybe the east coast? California is a marvelous, endearing, magical bubble filled with the chillest people, the best food, and the diversity and creativity that I need and crave... and that's why I need to leave to thrive (at least for a little bit)

Hike. So many sights to see! I want to be stunned—become weak in the knees, physically and figuratively!—by the natural beauty that I often neglect by living in a city for as long as I have.

Learn how to swim. Because it's a life skill... and because all my friends are hanging over there, in the deep end of the pool :(

Live my best life! That includes continuing to grow, eating good food, reading, learning, hanging out with my favorite people, trying new things, meeting new people, and so much more!

It’s my last Harmattan, hurray!