#i see myself so much in jiwon its actually so painful :((

[saturncherrypie]

im obsessed with how jihyeok looks at jiwon with so much emotion you see everything written on his face. everything single thing he wants to tell her, how he was the man sleeping with her on the grass that night, how he knew about her taking care of the cat, how concerned he is for her, how he wants to take all of her worries away.

the pain on his face when she cries, the frustration when she wont let him in and help, the pure adoration when she smiles or laughs, and his jealousy when shes with eunho. he's so head over heels for her and he doesn't hide it at all.

kang jiwon you are so loved by this man. shes still so insecure despite her trying her hardest to overcome the biggest obstacles of her life. and he sees it and acknowledges and tells her shes doing a good job. reminding her shes doing the right thing.

OH when they get together im gonna fucking cry.

[hobidreams]

The Early Shift | Last Cup {M}

the last sip of coffee is always the most bittersweet.

pairing: barista!yoongi x reader genre: smut, angst, sprinkling of fluff words: 9.5k contains: coffee shop au, enemies to lovers, jealous/awkward yoongi, condomless sex, softness (ish), dirty talk, spanking, oral (f), hair pulling, the truth index: first sip - second taste - last cup

“H-Hyung?” The word is foreign on your tongue as you swivel, catch sight of Yoongi’s face. He’s gone ashen, stony as he barrels towards you two, abandoning the inventory checklist with a clatter onto the counter.

Yoongi’s hands dig into your wrist as he forces you behind him, taking your place instead right in front of Jiwon’s still smiling face. Except the grin is now somewhat plastered in place on his handsome lips. “Jiwon.”  Yoongi drops the familiar term, his eyes more combative than you’ve ever seen them. Combative, yet not with the fires of passion he usually turns on you. Instead, a chill so cold, so empty you hardly recognize it.

“Ahhh...” Jiwon exhales, covering his mouth with a broad palm, scratching the skin just beneath his lips with a groomed fingernail. “It’s been a while… I’m still your hyung, you know.”

“Bullshit.” Yoongi whips the word at him, but Jiwon doesn’t back away.

“I thought you hated the night shift.”

Yoongi scoffs. “Is that why you’re here then? To ruin something else for me behind my back?”

The tension is so weighty it settles in the pit of your stomach as you look from man to man, neither one offering any explanation. Deadlocked in a standoff of stares or glares depending on the man. Their only weapons are their words, which could cut just as deeply as any blade.

This isn’t good. Especially because there’s still a customer left in the store.

So you throw yourself into the fray. “Yoongi, what’s wrong?” You ask in what you hope is a calm voice. “How do you know Jiwon?”

The second Jiwon’s name comes out of your mouth, Yoongi jerks towards you. “I don’t. Nothing’s happening. He’s just leaving.”

“Yoongi, you can’t just kick out a customer.” You feel bad – Jiwon is starting to look like a kicked puppy with his lips drawn down, somber.

“Can and will.”

“Yoongi…” Jiwon clenches his coffee. “Listen—”

He’s cut off when a blare of familiar song whips through the café. “I KNOW, we don’t talk together!” Volume turned up to the max, the music reverberates off the walls themselves.

“Sorry!” The only customer squeaks, the ringtone obviously hers as she answers the call. “Hello?” She hurries out the door, leaving awkward silence in her wake.

You didn’t think it was possible, but Yoongi’s scowl deepens further. It just had to be this song, the damn reminder of what he’s lost. The lines carved into his face are so hardened and painful you wish you could offer relief. Instead, you swallow that look and all its implications. Then something clicks in your brain.

“Wait, Yoongi...” You gesture to Jiwon, hands slightly shaking, “is he…”

Yoongi grunts, irritated that he can’t hide it any longer. “It’s your lucky day. Meet DJ Alex.” His voice is deadpan. “Or should I say, Do Jiwon.”

“Do… Jiwon.” You repeat in a whisper. “DJ.”

“Yup.”

Another silence, but this time it covers you in its heavy grasp. This Jiwon. This charming, handsome Jiwon that you almost asked out, imagined yourself possibly dating. This Jiwon that’s actually nothing but a thief.

Said man rakes a hand through his dark hair. “Yoongi, let me explain myself, please.”

With another scoff, Yoongi breaks the stare-off. He turns. His eyes find yours of all things and he just exhales as if it’s all too much. “Jiwon. Just… Just go.” He steps away from the counter, tensed fingers finding your wrist. He means to drag you both into the backroom. Running away from this mess like he always has.

But you’re not done yet.

Your mind is exploding with questions, with emotions bolstered by the absolute fatigue in Yoongi’s eyes. Why isn’t he defending himself? He so eagerly goes head to head with you but here? Here is where he loses his nerve? He’s just going to let Jiwon get away with it all without so much as a scolding? When Jiwon took his best chance away from him and his inspiration with it?

No. No damn way are you going to stand there and take that.

You jerk your hand free. Before Yoongi can grab you again, you storm back to the counter. “What the fuck, Jiwon?”

Some carnal part of you relishes the shock in Jiwon’s eyes when your voice whips at him, respectful honorifics dropped.

“What the actual fuck? You just come back here just to offer excuses about what you did?” Your finger jabs at the air over his chest. “If you want to call yourself his hyung, then you should make yourself fucking deserving of that name!” Your volume raises with every word you sucker punch at him. “But no, instead, you betrayed him! Just abandoned him!”

Jiwon’s mouth flaps but nothing comes out.

“How dare you come back into his life and remind him of all that? Of the shitty thing you did and are still enjoying now?” You’re on a roll, apparently. You didn’t even know you had it in you to defend Yoongi so vehemently when you usually spend your time doing the exact opposite. But the resignation in the way he bites his lip scrapes at your heart.

“Yoongi trusted you. You were his partner!” Jiwon shrivels with every syllable. “The only thing worse than a coward, which you are for dodging him, is a goddamn liar.”

You’re left slightly breathless at the end of your tirade, tense hands splayed across the bar You glare at Jiwon, but he refuses to meet your expression, your anger. Instead, he burns a hole in the counter for half a minute before he dares to looks up. Then his eyes flicker to Yoongi. You stiffen, ready for an explosion.

“…You’re right.” When Jiwon finally speaks, his voice has lost all flirtatious flair. It sounds small, pathetic. “I did a shitty thing. A shitty, selfish thing.”

What an ass—

Wait.

Wait, what?

“Y-Yeah!” You can’t quite hold on to the full amount of anger in your tone when he’s not feeding your fire. But having Yoongi in your peripheral vision keeps you from moving an inch. “Damn right it was shitty!”

“The producers, they just. Fuck.” Jiwon sighs, gritting his teeth. “Fuck, I know I can’t take back what I did. But. But Yoongi…” Your hands clench into fists, ready to counter whatever excuse he comes up with. Or his anger, which would be apt considering the venom you’ve thrown his way. “Yoongi, I’m sorry.”

You actually take a step back.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

This is… Not what you were expecting. And judging by the way Yoongi’s mouth just falls open, he hadn’t predicted it either. He just keeps blinking as if he figures he’ll wake up at any minute.

Jiwon stutters something unintelligible as he fishes in his jacket for a wallet. It’s much fumbling before he drops a white card onto the table, his name embossed on the front. “I-If you want, I can introduce you to some connections and we can get your music out there, Yoongi. Let me help you! Please.” He pushes the card across the counter. “Call me. Let me make up for this.”

Oh, hell no.

You take one look at the flimsy card stock and snatch it up. “He doesn’t need your pity!” You scrunch it up in your fist. Whip the paper ball towards the door. “Just get out!”

Finally, Jiwon gets the point. He gives Yoongi one last look (regret? sorrow? who the hell cares) before he whirls around. Even leaves his coffee behind in his haste. The chime goes off and now, you are left alone together.

You both stare out the door for a long minute, neither of you sure how to proceed. Eventually, your fingers stitch together, oddly flustered as you slowly turn to fully face Yoongi. He seems to have recovered from the initial jolt. He’s closed his flabbergasted mouth, opting for a thin-lipped glower instead. Except this one seems directed at you.

You feel like you should say something, but what? The tension nips at your mind, begging to be shattered. Needs to be, if you are going to move forward.

“Yoongi—”

He beats you to it. “You know what? I don’t need your pity either.” Then he disappears into the backroom, door slamming decisively shut.

He just leaves you standing there like a fish caught on a deadly hook, stuck with bleeding thoughts, hands numb, trembling. You weren’t expecting gratitude, no. Still, you didn’t think he would react like… this, either. Not when the other option was to let Jiwon go.

But you don’t see Yoongi again until an hour has passed. Those two lines, spat like poison, become the last words Yoongi says to you for the rest of the night as he stalks, still mute, to the OPEN sign. He whips it CLOSED precisely one second after the proper time and begins the mopping duties without even so much as a glance your way.

You can’t muster the courage to even try knocking on the wall he’s suddenly re-erected between you; all you can do is look down at the change you’re counting and try to not let it get to you.

You finish the evening in this same solitude. The cleaning gets done. The store is locked, shuttered. Eventually, you go your separate ways in the darkness without so much as a wave of acknowledge. Yoongi’s hands remain stuck in his pockets, closed off, while you pick at your nails in nervous habit as you walk away from him.

Tomorrow, Yoongi is back on his regular shift. Meanwhile, you still have two weeks of your night shift trade left to go. That means your paths don’t have any opportunity to cross.

And so, they simply don’t.

To your credit, you try your best not to think about Yoongi. But your mind just keeps playing that scene over and over again, determined to force you to analyze every word, every gesture. And that song is making a comeback on the radio, if only to serve no other purpose than to antagonize you.

Perfect. Just freakin’ perfect.

You make it all of a week.

“Hey Jungkook… Can I ask you something?”

“Always! Shoot.” Jungkook leans against the bar, letting his adorable, earnest smile shine through.

Here goes nothing. “H-Have you spoken to Yoongi at all?” You’re trying your best to keep your voice casual, not wanting to betray the hours of contemplation spent pondering whether or not you should be asking this question in the first place. Clearly, you’ve been real productive these past seven days.

Jungkook doesn’t look surprised at your query. Or maybe he just hides it well. Either way, he nods. “Not much. Just a little bit when our shifts overlap.” His huge eyes may look innocent, but there’s a gleam of mischief as he deliberately refuses to elaborate any further than that.

Brat. He’s not going to make this easy on you. “Is he… Is he okay?”

Jungkook shrugs. “No injuries. He hasn’t gotten into any fistfights.”

“Yah, you know what I mean.” You smack him on the arm.

He laughs, infuriatingly carefree. “Sorry, sorry. But seriously, he just looks normal, maybe a little tired. Then again, I only see him for like half an hour. Not a lot of time to have deep, soul-searching conversations.”

You don’t know what answer you were hoping for, but it still leaves you disappointed. “Hm.”

Hm, indeed. He looks fine, while you’ve been replaying last week over and over again in your mind like a broken record. Cool. That’s totally cool.

“So he hasn’t… talked or asked about me or anything?”

Hoseok, coming up from behind Jungkook, is the one to answer instead. “Well, actually.” It’s comical how your heart soars at that, leaping bounds and valleys from just two words. But you come crashing down when he ultimately ends up shaking his head. “Wait. Sorry, shit. I… can’t tell you.”

Your eyes narrow. “You can’t? So he has said something?”

Hoseok casts his gaze downward. “It’s really not for me to say.” He purposefully smooths out non-existent wrinkles on his apron.

Jungkook’s doe eyes turn on you. “Noona, have you tried just asking him yourself?”

…Kind of. The text you sent a few days, the careful ‘Hey, Yoongi, are you there?’ had gone woefully unanswered. You eventually had to archive the conversation altogether, to prevent your obsessive checking over whether or not he had replied. Altogether, a disaster.

“It’s… It’s fine. It’s whatever,” you end up muttering. Thankfully, the door sounds and you vehemently turn towards the new customer that’s just entered the shop, grateful for the distraction.

You know your coworkers are much too clever to believe your stammered words. But at least they’re kind enough not to probe any further.

It is on a Friday, the last night of your month-long shift swap, that reality smacks you in the face.

Reality is this: you will be forced to face Yoongi in three days, and things remain extremely awkward between you. He is still ignoring you. Not that you can really blame him, after these two weeks to contemplate that decisive moment. While you don’t regret what you said to Jiwon, you probably shouldn’t have stuck your nose into Yoongi’s issue and taken over for him. Should have respected his decision to back off, no matter how unjust.

Which means you should probably apologize.

Just one problem. You hate doing that. Especially to Yoongi.

But you were the one who committed the wrong, so you have to be the one to extend the olive branch. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, nothing like the lattes you prefer but more like a dark roast: rich, full, and awful. That’s how Yoongi had tasted too, his tongue sliding against yours so feverishly like a man possessed. You hadn’t minded the flavor then.

“Hobi, how do you apologize to someone?” You rest your hands on the top of the mop, then your cheek on top of that.

Hoseok tilts his head to the side, a cute “hm?” coming out of his heart-shaped mouth. “Depends on how bad the situation is, I think!”

“Pretty bad, I guess?”

He hums, as if he knows exactly what this is in reference to. Then he raises a finger in triumph, like he’s just discovered the secret to the universe. “Go with a gift! You can never go wrong with a present!”

Hm! You nod approvingly. That’s a perfect idea.

Thus, your Saturday becomes dedicated to making a gift for Yoongi.

Yes, making, because you can’t exactly afford expensive music equipment. You don’t think Yoongi would appreciate a bag of coffee beans from his place of employment. Somehow, a stuffed animal doesn’t seem to fit his aesthetic either; you also really don’t want to add to the clutter of his place. So, your genius mind has settled on creating a mixtape. A playlist full of songs you hope can express how sorry you are, and how you hope to move on from this.

There’s one surprise at the very end of the CD: a piece that’s self produced. It’s just two minutes of you, a shitty phone microphone, and some heartfelt rambling. Look, apologizing is hard, okay? You don’t think you have the gall to do it in person, so this is the next best thing.

The sun is just beginning to set when you reach Yoongi’s apartment, finished present in hand. You’re contemplating whether to knock or just leave the tiny bag you have on the handle. One of these options is easier than the other. But maybe you owe it to him to at least ensure it gets to him.

Your knocks go unanswered.

Eventually, you have to accept that he’s out, a fact that has relief pouring over you. You loop the bag straps around the door. He’ll get it whenever he reaches home, you suppose. And if he chooses to snap it in half without listening to it, well, that’s his prerogative too. You’ve done your part. You’ve been the bigger person.

You manage to get all the way back to your apartment without thinking of the package, blasting music from your headphones to drown out your thoughts. You eat your dinner, watch an episode of the latest KBS drama, water your plants. Hell, you even start actually doing the research for your paper due in three weeks. But throughout it all, you can’t shake the listlessness that sits beneath your skin like an unwanted visitor, ever so often poking you with a sharp stick.

You know too well why it’s there: your damn curiosity that won’t leave you alone.

You want desperately to know if your gift has been received, and how. Will he understand what you’re trying to say? Maybe you should have put your apology at the beginning instead of the end. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone with Super Junior’s Sorry Sorry, even though you needed something in the middle to break up the torrent of sappy songs. Oh god. The what ifs threaten to drive you stark wild for the utter lack of answers. (Though judging by your current state, perhaps they already have.)

“Uggggh, that’s it!” You announce to your succulent, desk chair clattering as you shove viciously to your feet. “I’m going to bed!”

With great, groaning creaks, the elevator doors open on the floor of Yoongi’s apartment. Yoongi drags his exhausted body through them, reeking of smoke, stale cologne, and alcohol, courtesy of the bar he just left. His head is still a little fuzzy, but it’s not too bad. A nice haze. The walk here in the cool night air has already sobered him up some. He just needed to get out of the house. Needed to stop thinking for a while.

But the pressure lingering in his system had refused to budge even after the second shot, fifth drink in total, which was what finally prompted him to get his sorry ass back home. He’s desperate for something to relieve what’s been pent-up, the ugliness building and bubbling uncontrollably inside him these past weeks. Sex distracts him, usually. But a meaningless hookup… that would erase the memories of your pretty mouth on him, the heat of your body tangled up with his. He can’t bring himself to do that. Not that he can admit this, even in his own mind. So, he resigns himself to another night of his fist wrapped around his own length and a mediocre climax.

Yoongi sighs as he rounds the corner, digging in his pocket for his keys. Just as he pulls the ring out, he spots the conspicuous bag tied to his door. Who would be sending gifts like this? Jimin? No, his friend from college is currently out of town, he remembers. But nobody else would leave—he peers inside—a CD of all things, with his name scribbled upon it. This handwriting is familiar, but he can’t quite place it.

He grabs the bag and enters the darkness of his place. He drops his jacket on the couch, then makes his way to his computer. Slides the CD inside the console. Waits.

The first song is something indie, something sorrowful. Yoongi doesn’t recognize it but he gives it a listen. It’s not bad. But the next song is even slower, even sadder. Most definitely not his usual type of music, and for good reason. He cringes at the third piece.

The songs just keep coming, all playing off the same apologetic theme. Whoever put together this playlist has no idea what they’re doing, he thinks. The genres are all over the place, with no coherent flow like a proper mixtape should. They all just happen to contain the word ‘sorry’ in the title or lyrics. “The hell is this,” Yoongi mutters, laughing at the absurdity as he stands up halfway through, deciding to take a shower without even bothering to turn the music off.

Yoongi takes his time beneath the hot water – lets it wash away the grime of the night. It helps remove some of the buzz from his mind. By the time he steps out of the bathroom, he feels almost completely sober. He’s distracted with towelling off his hair; he doesn’t even notice that music is no longer playing until he hears speech.

“...eah, so, I guess what I’m trying to say...”

He freezes.

But that’s your voice.

The voice he hasn’t heard in weeks but could pick out of a crowd in a second. The voice that once hammered on his brain on a daily basis but now douses it in undeniable relief, comfort.

Yoongi is glad no one is around to witness him rushing to the desktop, hurriedly replaying the track that’s currently on. He plugs in his headphones, dragging them over his head even though his hair drips with water.

“Hey, Yoongi.” You sound so uncharacteristically quiet it makes his chest tight. “I-I know you’re trying to avoid me, and I don’t blame you.” He gnaws at his bottom lip as he listens to you explain your thoughts. Even though your tone wavers at certain moments, you just keep pressing on. It makes his chest feel inexplicably tight.

“Yeah, so, I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I won’t interfere with your business again. And I won’t cross the professional lines between us anymore. I hope we can still work together. Okay. That’s, uh, all from me. Goodnight.”

Yoongi sits in the silence for all of three seconds before he hits the back button. Plays it again. Then again.

“God damn it!” He rips off the headphones, surges to his feet. “You’re so damn silly. It’s not your fault! How could any of this be your fault?”

But then whose is it?

Jiwon is the easiest culprit. But he’s apologized. He’s trying to move on, even trying to help Yoongi, even though that’s just salt in the wound. The only person still mired inside this self-made prison is Yoongi. He made his home in these concrete walls, punishing himself, thinking it was the easiest way out. Still bitter and trying to pretend like he can just stay angry forever because the only person it fucked up was himself.

But now it’s affecting you.

Hearing your voice like this, it’s all laid out for him. Reality and truth stab him in the gut, forcing him to finally acknowledge how he’s hurt you, the one person who has nothing to gain from helping him, yet continues to do so again and again.

Yoongi rubs at his temples, regret radiating through him in waves. He should have realized it earlier, if only he could have pulled his head out of his ass. Hearing this, hearing your voice with that undercurrent of worry is like a punch to the gut and to his mind, blasting out any residual hesitancy.

You don’t deserve to sit in this uncertainty and pain of misunderstanding any longer.

A text isn’t enough. Nor is a call. He needs to see you. He needs to see you right now and tell you face to face just how sorry he is. How grateful. And maybe he just wants to see your face, because he kind of misses the way you scold him.

Haphazardly dressed, Yoongi rushes out the door, almost forgetting his keys in his haste. His slides slap against the floor as he frantically dials Namjoon, hoping he’s awake to get the address he so desperately needs. He jams his finger into the elevator call button, silently willing it to come faster.

No more, Yoongi thinks. No more running away from the hard shit, from his feelings. This time, he’s running right towards his future.

The clock blinks 1:00AM when you check it next, still as wide awake as when you shuffled beneath your covers two whole hours ago.

Damn it. It’s a good thing you have tomorrow off, because there’s no way in hell you could wake up at the crack of dawn otherwise. Counting sheep has proven to be useless, especially after you get up to Sheep #482 (it’s a cute one. Okay. They’re all cute.) Doing math equations in your head usually gets you conked out pretty quickly from sheer monotony, but it’s also futile tonight. Your mind is much too alive, active, overactive to let you doze off.

Then you hear the knocking.

Well, it’s more like a clatter. The sound of something hard slamming against your door, followed by a few wimpy taps. Yikes. Are you going to get murdered?

You slip out of bed, pick up your baseball bat. Weapon in hand, you creep towards the entrance, forgetting you’re not even wearing any bottoms. You press silently to the thick wood, maneuver your eye over the peephole to see what crazy bastard is here at this hour.

What you see has you yanking the door open, the bat clattering uselessly to the ground.

“Y-Yoongi?!”

It feels like a lifetime since you’ve last seen him. You didn’t know how much you missed that stupid, irritating, attractive face until it’s in front of you. Doubled over and breathless, hair a wind-blown mess.

“How the hell did you get my address?”

“Namjoon.” Yoongi is panting so hard he can hardly breathe. You swear he’ll keel over in the next minute. You don’t look forward to cleaning his body off your carpet. “Namjoongaveittome.” That’s all he can get out before he takes another gulp of air, face red with strain.

“Jeez, come in so you don’t bother my neighbours with your dying.” You usher him in, watch him stumble to your couch as you flick on a lamp to cast a glow over the room. He’s wearing a plain tee and sweatpants, but it’s the slides on his feet that probably explain his current discomfort. In his hands, he clutches the same bag you left on his doorstep. You try not to think about the implications of that. “Why didn’t you drive or take the bus or something?”

“Bus broke down… halfway. Had to run…”

You shove a glass of water into his hands and he gulps at it. A few droplets leak from his mouth. He wipes it away with the back of his hand. Classy.

“Thanks,” he finally says as his heart seems to stop threatening to jump out of his chest from fatigue, then speeds up again for another reason entirely.

You stare at each other wordlessly for a few beats.

“What’re you doing here, Yoongi?” It comes out in a harsher tone than you’d intended but your heart beats a drum in your chest, a rude rhythm that is mirrored in the trembling of your fingers.

“I should be saying that to you!” Yoongi reacts to the perceived animosity in your voice, lifting the bag and shaking it. “What is this supposed to be, huh?”

You force yourself to focus on fiddling with a loose thread on your shirt. Quelling the unease in your veins. “…Did you listen to it?”

“Yeah, I did.” Yoongi sets the cup on the coffee table with a smack. “First of all, you have awful taste. Secondly, this CD is completely unnecessary.”

“Oh.”

This squeak of a noise is accompanied by the sudden skydive of your heart, right towards the floor. At least that you can hide. But, against your will, disappointment and exhaustion create a cocktail of tears that prick at the corner of your eyes, threatening to spill over by the next second. No, no, no, you scold yourself but the lump swelling in your throat refuses to be swallowed down. You hate that more than anything, hate that it makes you look wimpy and weak.

When you turn your head, Yoongi catches sight of the glimmer of wet tears. “Oh, shit.” He throws the bag behind him. Scooting towards you, he puts a warm hand on your shoulder and his voice is right beside your ear and god damn it, why is he getting closer? But even you can hear the panic in his voice when he says, “no, no, oh god. I didn’t mean it like that.” He brushes your hair back to expose your downturned face. “Shit. Please don’t cry. Please.”

“I don’t want to cry either, Yoongi!” Your words sound waterlogged, but you force them out. Hope it’ll make him back off.

Instead his thumb comes beneath your eye to catch the stray tear that leaks out. He wipes it away as he murmurs your name so softly you can scarcely believe the noise came from his lips. “Look at me. Please.”

What can you do but obey? Min Yoongi will be the death of you, you swear it. That sentiment is doubled when you find his eyes and see nothing but sincerity in their darkness. He’s never studied you this way. It steals your breath, renders you in silent anticipation for what comes next.

“Look, I’m a fucking idiot.”

That actually makes you laugh, though it’s somewhat strangled as you wipe away the last of the tears. “Well, we both knew that. But why this time?”

“I… I shouldn’t have ignored you.” He drops his hand from your cheek. It sits against your bare thigh, the skin growing hot where you’re connected. “But I was scared. I felt ashamed and more than a little pissed off that you stood up to Jiwon when I couldn’t.” You say nothing. But that seems to make him even more jittery as he bursts out with, “E-Especially since you’re so god damn perfect all the time!”

“Perfect?” You repeat, bewildered as it couldn’t be further from the truth. “What the hell are you going on about?”

“You know… You just. You have your shit perfectly figured out! It just reminds me that I’m a mess.”

“No, I really don’t. Trust me.” Is that what he’s thought of you this whole time? No wonder he was so irritable. It’s almost laughable. “But Yoongi, why didn’t you confront Jiwon?”

He sighs at that, long and deep. “Just… After the whole incident, I had trouble writing. I had all this anger inside me. I didn’t know what to do with it. I wrote diss tracks but they all sounded unoriginal, whiny. Pop songs were the same. Generic and boring. I kept trying to write something better than ‘We Don’t Talk Together’. I was obsessed.” Yoongi is babbling faster, like a dam finally broken and flooding. You’re not afraid of the waters.

“It was easier for me. Easy to just blame everything on Jiwon, say it’s his fault the songs weren’t coming to me. So when he apologized…” He gives a laugh, but it’s a self-deprecating one. “I’ve spent the past weeks getting to this point, I guess. Of accepting that this shitty thing happened. I think I’m finally ready to move the fuck on. I hated that you made me confront that at the time, though.”

“You’re welcome,” you whisper, unable to resist the opportunity to poke at him. Hey, he made you cry. He deserves it.

“Uh huh.” Yoongi reaches behind his back to find the bag he threw momentarily aside. “So that’s why this CD is unnecessary. You don’t need to apologize to me.” He hands it to you. “Thank you. For helping me out. Even though I don’t deserve it.”

You set the bag on the table. “Of course, Yoongi. I wouldn’t just abandon you.”

“I know.” He actually smiles, eyes waning as your heart gives an extra loud thud.

The conversation peters out. You sit soaked in tension, unsure what the hell to do now. Especially because you’re hyperaware that his knee is right against yours and it feels like a million degrees, but neither of you are moving away. Your eyes are still locked to his, unfathomable and unyielding as you awkwardly hold wimpy grins. Even in this situation, your mind won’t stop running to inappropriate places, urging you to lean forward and kiss those pink lips.

But how does Yoongi feel?

“I, uh...” Yoongi gives a start as if he’s read your mind, but he doesn’t finish his thought.

“Anyway...” He hangs his head, cuts himself off again. “I was going to say...” Another trailing, unfinished sentence.

“You okay?” You murmur, his apparent nerves soothing your own.

“Agh, damn it. Okay. Here. Just – listen to this, okay?”

Yoongi whips out his phone, taps on the screen a few times before he places it on the table. Seconds later, music starts to play, a song you’ve never heard before. You tap your foot along to the opening synth, feeling the jazzy beat. Then a familiar voice comes on.

“Yoongi, is this you?!” You cry out, immediately reaching for the phone to turn the volume up.

Yoongi nods, saying nothing but his grin grows at how excited you are. You see the flash of gums, recognize it as the smile usually only reserved for customers. God, how your heart continues to flipflop at the sight.

You lean forward, trying to catch the fast-flowing rap. It’s poetic, weaves a story of a couple around the metaphor of a seesaw. A constant back and forth that ends in heartbreak, a dissolving that’s ultimately better for both parties in the end. When it ends, you instantly want to listen to it again – it’s that addicting.

“This is the song I wrote for the competition. I wanted to show you, since… Yeah.”

“Wow, it’s so good, Yoongi. I swear, you’re going to win.” You want to put this song in your music library and play it on repeat until you know every line. You play it again, listen silently as you really absorb the piece. “I really love the lyrics. And how it progresses. Also, how the singer leaves in the end, alone. I think too many songs out there promote the exact opposite message, even if it’s a shitty relationship, ya know?”

Yoongi nods, cheeks slightly flushed, but he looks so pleased. “Actually, this song,” his breath hitches, “I wrote it about you.”

“Me?”

At first, you’re flattered, beaming even. Then you remember the song’s contents.

“Umm... Wait...” You frown. He’s not saying... “You want to ‘put an end’ to us?” Hell, you didn’t even know there was an ‘us’ to be had!

“Ah, no!” Yoongi’s sleepy eyes blow wide, almost comically so with panic. “No. Definitely not.” His hands clench his knees tightly, as if to stop them from shaking. “I... wanna stop this ambiguous back and forth. This seesaw that we’re on. Of not being just coworkers but not really being anything more than that either.”

“...You want to be more?” Your voice comes out in a whisper as if you can scarcely believe it.

“Yes.” He exhales. “I want more. I want to be with you. Try things out with you. See where they go.” He drums his fingers against his leg. “You make me a better person. And I want to be there for you too.” His lips quirk up, not sure what expression to land on in his nervousness. “That is, uh, if you’ll have me.”

He’s adorable. So freaking cute. You never thought you would see Yoongi like this, and it’s just about the most endearing thing you’ve ever seen.

You lean forward and press your lips to his in answer.

Yoongi is soft.

You feel him hesitate for all of a second before he’s kissing you back, really kissing you back with all of his might. It’s sloppy and your rhythm is all off, but the passion that radiates from him pours the sweetest honey into your system to douse you in heat. He scarcely breaks away to breathe as he tilts his head, searching for a better angle to move against your mouth, to reaffirm this is truly happening and not just some fever dream.

His arms wind around your frame, tugging you closer as if he can’t bear to have any space between you while his tongue traces the outline of your lips. You open for him instinctively, unable to refuse any of his silent requests to taste. You’ve both been denied for too long, but time has not made you forget the curve of his mouth, the nibbles he loves to inflict. His breath tickles your skin as you finally find your pace together. A wild beat you thought you’d lost forever but now roars back to life.

That’s why you’re practically scrambling into his lap, shoving him backwards on the couch in your urgency. Having him against you, tongue flicking against yours, wipes away all thoughts save for him and how incredible this feels, how he feels. It makes you greedy for more, especially more of the muted groans of need that you coax from his throat and swallow.

It’s only when you scrunch your fingers around the back of his neck and come away slightly damp that you finally pause. “Ew, you’re all sweaty,” you tease with a cheeky grin.

He rolls his eyes. “Shut up and kiss me, damn it.” There’s the Yoongi you know so well.

“Rude.”

“You like me rude.” Just to prove his point, he shifts his hips, grinds his bulge against your needy core. Separated only by thin layers of fabric, you can feel him so well you can’t help but get wetter from the mere promise of him.

“T-That’s a damn lie.” But you’re flustered, distracted by the desire surging through your veins at the danger in his tone. It’s all too easy for you two to bring out the sass in each other, but now it keeps you on your toes, thrill in your system.

“Oh? So you don’t want me to throw you onto the bed and spank you until you come?” He accents his filthy words with hot, open-mouthed kisses down the side of your jaw, down your neck. This feels right. So fucking right, he wouldn’t stop for the world. He guides your loose top away, sucking wetly at the skin he exposes. Promising much more in the way of dark violet marks, but not giving it just yet.

“Well, I-I’m not saying that...”

That makes him laugh as he digs both hands beneath your ass and hauls you into the air. “That’s what I thought.” Your legs wrap around his hips, arms around his back. Hold him like he’s yours.

Though it’s a short few steps from the couch to bed, Yoongi keeps his mouth on your skin as if he’s mapping – every bit as desperate to know your body as you do his. He runs his tongue along the curve of your shoulder, obeying his instinctual desire to test your tolerance with the occasional bite. He grins at your yelps. You repay him by tugging at his scruff of hair, nails scraping the skin.

When his leg knocks against the bedframe, you expect him to fling you onto the sheets as promised. Instead he bends, lets you tumble down softly before joining you on the mattress with one knee. Yoongi glows in the dim lamplight, fair skin glistening with lingering sweat as he tugs off his shirt. You’ve never seen anything sexier in your life as he crawls between your legs, forcing them to spread with the hands that slide up your thighs.

“You look like you want something,” he utters in a low tone, toying with the seam of your panties. They are unfortunately plain, but he drinks them in as if they’re made of gold. Touches them with none of that delicacy though, as he hooks fingers under the band and threatens to rip.

You shift your hips, needing friction but he just teases you, lets the cotton drag across your skin only for him to pull it infuriatingly back into place. “Are you going to give it to me if I say yes?”

“Maybe, if you’re a good girl.”

Oh god. You’ve never been called that in your life but when he growls it out in that languid, devil-may-care way, you think you might just be whipped. You’d thought Yoongi devastating before, but that was nothing compared to the intimacy dripping from his fingertips as he removes them from your panties, begins the torturous ascent up your waist. Your whines of protest melt into moans when he eases your top over your head, exposing your naked body to him for the first time.

“Oh, fuck.” Yoongi goes blank. He swears every ounce of blood in him rushes to his swollen cock at the sight of you laid out like this, ready and wanting for him. The fantasies he’s conjured in his mind are nothing, crude sketches of the masterpiece that is your body, your smile, you. “Fuck, you’re so gorgeous.”

The honesty in those whispered, reverent words bolsters the flush creeping beneath your skin. It’s with a smile that you arch into his mouth when he wraps his lips around your nipple in a perfect fit. He sucks hard, noisy and lewd, forcing gasps that make you glad your apartment walls are somewhat thick. But when his tongue swivels amidst the bites he lavishes on your peak, you are reduced to whimpers in his hands. He’s an expert at combining pain with absolute pleasure until your mind is in utter shambles. Shattered even more so when his fingers find your neglected breast, his remaining free hand cupping greedy handfuls of your behind.

When you shift your knee to rub against the pronounced bulge in his sweats, he smacks his palm against your asscheek to a satisfying crack. “Patience is a virtue,” he warns, trailing his tongue to the valley between your breasts. Slathers wet heat on your skin, the curves of your chest even though you’re already burning up from his touch.

But you’re more than willing to play his game. You prove so when you grope his fabric-swaddled cock, massage until you hear the music of his hitched breaths. “I’m not trying to be virtuous.” Then you steal his smirk for your own use while you run fingers along the side of his shaft. His frenulum is sensitive as ever beneath your persistent hand; he bucks when you grind your thumb into the nerves.

“A-Ah!” You yelp when you feel the fresh sting, looking down to find that Yoongi has left his first love bite at the swell of your breast. It blooms in deep, sinful red. Damn if you don’t want him to leave five, ten, twenty more. You want that damnable mouth on you anywhere he can reach until you ache with the reminder of him.

“Thought I told you to be good.” He stares down his nose at you. The act is not nearly as intimidating as it had been in the backroom of the café, but still every bit as arousing. Especially when he pairs it with a sly finger trailing down your slit, the sensation frustratingly dulled by your soaked underwear.

It’s a miracle you can summon the strength to talk back. “Oops. My bad,” you reply in a voice that tells him you’re not sorry in the slightest. Goading Yoongi is a form of art that you have perfected.

Amused and more than a little turned on by your disobedience, he rocks back onto his knees. “On your stomach. Now.”

Oh, yes please. You obey without hesitation, pressing your chest to the warm sheets. You shiver when you feel his hands fit along your waist, as if testing his grip for later use. How hard would he squeeze as he fucks you? As he feeds you every hot inch of his erection, the skin taut and hard for want of your cunt? You tense your thighs in longing, not wanting to wait a second longer to feel him inside you.

But you don’t have a choice.

You lunge forward when the first smack lands on your ass. You cry out, face half-buried in the pillow as pleasure radiates from your burning cheek. Yet you’re still raising your hips for more. You love the pain, addicted to the visceral reaction it beckons from your body.

But your squeal gives Yoongi pause. “Is that too hard?” He asks, breath brushing across your skin.

You throw a coy glance backwards. “Never.”

Your answer is accepted with a second slap, a punishment that makes your body shudder further into your mattress. “My little slut,” Yoongi snarls, enjoying the way the possessive words feel on his tongue. “Bet you’re ruining those panties of yours.”

Smack. Fuck, you swear he’s leaving imprints of his palm behind. You wish you could see.

“Totally soaked.” You rock onto your elbows, push your sore ass into his palm. Hope you can convince him to lose control and just fill you up. “So ready for your cock, Yoongi...”

You don’t see how he squeezes his eyes together, biting back the surge of hormones; they bid him to throw all restraint away to sink into your heat. “Not just yet.” Your undies are tugged down, rendered useless and tossed somewhere onto the floor. Chills run through your spine as you’re bared for the second time tonight. He forces your hips up and before you can even breathe, licks a long stripe across your cunt.

“Oh, fuck.”

You cannot stand Min Yoongi and that devil’s tongue he curls around your clit. He drags the tip across your sensitive bead, understanding where you’re too sensitive and then deliberately stimulating that very spot to make your knees buck. Pleasure floods your body, makes your every limb white hot and weak, a mess for one man. You knew he was dangerous from the very start, but that never could have stopped you. Your body reflects just how hopelessly you’ve fallen, pushed to the brink of climax faster than you’ve ever been before.

“So fucking sweet.” His fingers dig dimples into your ass, spreading you wide so he can have his fill. His tongue glides along your curves, taking his time instead of being so focused on chasing climax as he had that first time. Now he’s hungry for knowledge, for intimacy he can only find with you as his landscape. And if he makes you cum a thousand times in the process of that quest, well. You’ll survive somehow.

When his tongue slips into your heat, you almost lose it. He thrusts it like he fucks: ruthlessly, flawlessly. As if you’re the only thing that matters right now, and his only desire in the world is to have you quivering on his lips. A wish he’s getting twofold.

“Close, so close, Yoongi, ah—”

“Yeah, I can feel it.” He sounds utterly entranced, the drawled words thick with longing. “Want you to cum around my tongue. Can you do that for me?” He poses the question as if you have a choice. As if you can do anything against the onslaught of bliss tangling themselves in your veins, demanding that you release.

All because of that accursed mouth that has you at its mercy, whether between the sheets or out. Too compelling for your weary nerves to resist when his hand whips across your skin and without warning, you’re cumming. Tears prick, rolling down your face as he spanks you again, this time even harder, and your climax becomes unbearable in bliss. You were not prepared for the tsunami it is, crashing onto you, sweeping you away.

“Yoongi!” The name is muffled by the pillow you stuff your face in, muscles screaming at you to stop tensing but you can’t, you goddamn can’t. Crest after crest of sensation radiate through you in time with the throbs of your sodden walls. You swear he grins against your pussy as you rock your hips like you’re in heat. Your skin is so sensitive it almost hurts but you couldn’t care less.

“Fuck me, Yoongi, please, god, I need your cock in me right fucking now.” Your voice is desperate and begging and any other time, you would be mortified but all you can think of now is how you need to be filled. To have every crevice of your throbbing pussy stuffed with Yoongi’s cock so he understands just what he’s done to you. Wrecked you, ruined you for anyone else.

“Oh fuck.” He was not expecting you to turn the tables but here you are, fucked out and still so needy for more. His sweatpants join your panties, cock springing free, the deep-red tip leaking from all it’s been denied. God, how he wants to fuck that pretty whine in your voice into moans.

“All of you, Yoongi. Wanna feel the stretch.” He’s taking too long; you’ve always been impatient.

Yoongi will never forget the sight of you spreading your own cheeks to show him, seduce him with how your cunt drips from anticipation. But it’s the look in your eyes, the affection mingled with the heat that has him plunging half of his cock into you in one stroke.

“So tight for me, h-huh? What a good girl,” Yoongi growls, trying his best not to cum instantly from the way you take him. Just swallow him with such ease, yet still squeeze him like a vice. He’s missed this pussy so much, hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it since that night. He’s finished himself countless nights to the memory but now you’re really here; now you cry for him in that tremulous tone that drives him wild.

One of Yoongi’s hands goes as promised on your waist, but the other weaves into your hair to grip at the roots. He doesn’t tug yet, testing your limits, careful to respect them. He’s rewarded with a moan as he bottoms out at the same time he gives his first light tug. Now every thick inch of cock is finally swathed in you, and you are filled to the brim, just like you craved.

“This okay?” He asks, massaging the crook of your perspiration-dotted back with his thumb.

“Mhm...” You slur it like you’re drunk but it’s just the moment, the pleasure forcing you into submission. You love the juxtaposition only Yoongi brings out for you, how he instinctually knows exactly what you seek.

“More?”

You rut into him, feel that friction kindle something indescribable, deeply carnal in your core. “Always.”

It is here that Yoongi realizes how gone he is for you.

You’re incredible. Fucking incredible. He tries to tell you this with every pump he sends into you. So damn hungry but still careful not to pull too hard on your locks even though he thinks you might like that, minx that you are. The gasps just continue to fall from his mouth as he just feels himself drown in you. You fit around him like you were made to take his cock and then some. He wants to give you everything. But first he’ll start with pleasure. Pleasure so intense you’ll forget even your own name.

You’re closer to that goal than he knows. You’re falling into the rough staccato rhythm he sets, bodies slamming together again and again until your mouth feels dry for all the moans you can’t staunch. It sends you soaring: the ache of his fist in your hair, the burn of the stretch that you know will stay with you for hours after. It’s all in service of the inevitable crash that will ruin you.

Yoongi’s thighs have started to burn with strain but he doesn’t dare stop, doesn’t think he could. Not when you’re both teetering on the cusp; ready to fall, not apart, but finally together.

“Y-Yoongi...!” On one particularly hard thrust, you rear up, back pressed firmly against his sweaty chest. He lets go of your hair to curl his arms around you, clutching you as he thrusts upwards to hit your core. You focus on the sole task of breathing. But you fail even that when his fingers find your clit, rough and imprecise in his animalistic movements. It’s still enough.

This is how you cum – speared and full and deliriously sated.

He can’t hold out any longer when you find your peak. His teeth scrape your shoulder, but you can only register pleasure as he grinds out his own orgasm against your ass. You feel him spill deeply inside; it feeds some innate need you didn’t even know you had. Reaching behind, you hold him close as he does you, heartbeats pulsing to the same beat as you let the noises speak for you.

When the high relents, you collapse onto your palms, practically faceplant into your pillow as the aftershocks shudder their way through you. It’s a good few moments before you can roll onto your side, to face Yoongi who has done the same on your right. You feel like a mess, but he looks at you as if he’s never seen anything more stunning in his life.

“I... Wow.”

“Yeah...”

For a minute, all you can do is grin at each other, silly smiles stretched wide across your kiss-bitten lips.

Eventually, Yoongi flips onto his back, chest still heaving. “That was actually meant to be gentler,” he mumbles, staring pointedly at the ceiling. “Since our first time was me getting carried away. And the second.”

“Looks like you just can’t help yourself around me, huh?” You tease, hoping you’ll make him blush, or hit you back with something equally sarcastic.

“Yeah. I really can’t.” He says it so honestly, you melt a little into the sheets.

You shuffle closer to him; he automatically raises his arm to let you in. “Stay over tonight, okay?” You say, kissing his bare chest as you cuddle in. Relish the fact you can just reach out and he’s there. Solid, warm, there. “Not like you have work tomorrow, right?”

“I’ll stay as long as you want.”

He kicks the light covers up with a foot, pulls it over your body so you don’t feel the chill even though his body keeps you running hot. You hum as he runs his fingers down your back, rubbing at that sore spot just right. You fall into cozy silence, tracing the contours of his damp torso, running over the curves you couldn’t before.

“On Monday, I’m going to give Mina my two weeks notice.”

Whoa.

You shove up from Yoongi. Turning with utter surprise on your face, you cry, “What?” You unintentionally crush blankets in your fists. “Why?” When you’ve finally worked things out between you?

“As much as I want to stay, I’m… I’m going to try to produce full time.” His eyebrows furrow together. He sucks in a breath. “Being at the café took up all my spare time and while it was a good distraction after the whole thing, I... I don’t need it anymore. I’m going to chase after what I really want to do.” The relief that soaks his voice tells you he’s finally figured it out. “And I’m going to do it on my own. Without Jiwon. Without his help.”

“Oh, Yoongi...” Your heart floods with nervous excitement. You are not really a fan of change, but this is different. This is a step in the direction he was always too afraid to take. You flop back beside him, let him eagerly draw you back into his arms. “I’ll support you as much as I can. I know you can do it, babe.”

“Babe?” He raises his eyebrows.

“Don’t like it?”

“Mmn. Like it... more than I thought I would.” His voice is practically a mumble by the end as he hides embarrassment with a nuzzle into your head.

You’re grinning as the most welcome thought strikes. “Hey, maybe whoever replaces you will finally be on time!”

Yoongi smirks. “Unfortunately, your boyfriend may sometimes still be a little late.”

You tap his cute nose, his squishy cheeks. “Oh, is that what you are now?”

“Yup.” He proceeds to bury his face into your hair, pressing kisses and inhaling the scent he doesn’t think he’ll ever get his fill of. “You’re stuck with me.”

You chuckle as you snuggle further into his warm embrace. it just feels right to be here somehow. Ironic, that ‘here’ is pressed up against the man who can get under your skin like no other. Maybe you’re a masochist, but you can’t think of anywhere else you’d rather be.

Lying here, listening to him slip into slumber, the apprehensive energy in you just melts away despite the feeling that you’re about to embark on a journey that you’re sure will be anything but easy. But as long as you’re with him... You smile. Then you let the anxious thoughts go, finally surrendering to the sleep that his steady rise-and-fall brings.

Turns out, Min Yoongi isn’t the absolute worst after all.

a/n: yeah, i know, who still makes CDs in 2019? :p but sending over a Spotify playlist isn’t nearly as romantic. hehe. thank you for sticking with me until the end of my first series. i learnt so much through writing it and had a ton of fun! please let me know what you think of the ending, yeah? ;) i hope you all enjoyed TES ♡

huge, enourmous thank you to my betas: @hoseoksdior, @sweetlyseokjin, @jiminspjm, @mypurplelamp, @bigtiddiejoon! 💖 this fic would not have come through without their efforts!!

special shoutout to MISS ARI @flowerymoonlight who hyped me TF up & had to survive the snippets i sent her at 2 in the morning. ily babe, you have a special place in my heart ALWAYS.

p.s. you can find more minis of this couple on my masterlist!

[wintrgarden]

a latte for your thoughts?

// a fan fiction dedicated to the winter garden couple of hospital playlist //

-----

"Ikjun, do you have my warm cup of hot latte?" Jeong won said, while walking towards him in the hospital's open space to take a break during his night shift.

"Here. Isn't it tiring in the PICU these days?" Ikjun replied with worried eyes.

"A little. I don't mind it though.

Yah, do you remember my liver transplant patient, Mina?"

"Yeah, the one where we had to cut the donor's liver to a quarter because it won't fit the tiny baby's body. What about her?"

"I went to her a while ago. She woke up, and winked at me like this!" Jeongwon lit up whenever he talks about his patients' recovery. His eyes sparkled and his smile widened. He repeated the wink so much that it could have been mistaken for a blink. In fact, he was so giddy that he didn't notice someone approaching.

"Professor Ikjun? The test results of patient Jiwon are out. Could you take a look at it?"

Jang Gyeoul, the third year resident of General Surgery has been standing there for a few moments, waiting for the two professors to actually notice.

While hiding his laugh, Ikjun followed suit. Jeongwon was left on the bench with an unwavering smile on his face.

Looking at him, one would think that his drink was too sweet to make him smile like that. Eavesdropping on their conversation would transform him into a humanitarian. But to delve into his thoughts --- now that, that's a different story.

It's nice to actually see an angel, once in a while. Just enough to keep me on my feet. I might be even enthralled by its eyes that don't wink but are enveloped with fascinating halo-like things. Even if this angel doesn't have wings, it has the most power to chase evil away. I wasn't sure if this angel could save me --- until it actually did.

------

"Yah, Ahn Jeongwon, are you sleeping here again?" Junwan said, while entering their shared office.

"O~ I just finished my night shift. I just lied down."

"Have you eaten?"

"I'll eat later."

"I also haven't eaten yet. Let's eat breakfast."

"Will you stop bugging me if I eat?" Junwan then pulled Jeongwon out of the cot, and dragged him to the packed cafeteria to fall in line.

------

"One iced latte, please. Oh, and a sandwich."

With the same baggy eyes and pale skin, Gyeoul was ordering her morning coffee. Just enough to keep her awake until she gets home.

"Annyeonghaseyo~" She greeted the two professors.

"De~" Jeongwon said, while Junwan nodded in response.

CODE BLUE --- CS. 3RD FLOOR. CODE BLUE --- CS. 3RD FLOOR.

Without a beat, Junwan, a Cardiothoracic Surgery Professor, left hurriedly. Jeongwon was then left alone. Gyeoul took her order and searched for a seat.

"One warm cup of hot latte and a pancake, please."

After getting his order, Jeongwon followed through and tried to find his way in the crowd. It was full of doctors and nurses waiting to start their morning shifts, so the noise was understandable.

"Professor! Here!" Gyeoul pointed to a newly vacant seat in front of her. The morning rush got the best of them that Jeongwon didn't think twice and made his way.

The crowd was boisterous. Jeongwon and Gyeoul's silence was awkward. It was not the kind of environment you'd want after a 12-hour shift.

But it was all worth it. At least for one of them.

"How was the Emergency Room last night?" Jeongwon blurted after taking a bite of his pancake.

"It's okay. There were a lot of unpredictable cases, most of which were tiring, as usual." Gyeoul's detailed answer was so calm. It seemed that the Professor's unexpected friendliness didn't bother her.

"Do you have someone to take you home?"

"What? No. I can go by myself." With a polite tone, Gyeoul showed her surprise with the question.

"I'll give you a ride home."

"No, you don't need to---"

"I insist. I still haven't bought you the meal you asked from me, anyway. Can a ride home suffice?"

Gyeoul was bewildered. But with the professor's kind nature, it seemed like something he would do for literally anyone. He wasn't called the "Buddha" for nothing, anyway.

-----

"It's that apartment on the right, Professor."

"This one?"

"Yes. Thank you for the ride."

"It's not a problem. The next time we catch ourselves on a rough patch, I can take you home again."

Gyeoul smiled. Her first that day. Then, she opened the door to get out.

"Oh, shit! I forgot!" The car stopped. Jeongwon's shock even surprised Gyeoul.

"Why, Professor? What happened?"

"I totally forgot about it. I was scheduled to get my car battery change the other week, then I forgot and was planning to do it today."

Sleeping in the cot that morning wasn't just to save time to rest up. He actually had long, overdue chores and was saving some energy to do them.

"Do you have a contact to a car battery seller?" Gyeoul asked.

"Yeah, I'll contact them now."

It was still early in the morning, around 6 o'clock. The service opened at 9 o'clock, so delivery wasn't possible after an hour or so.

Gyeoul stayed with him until things got settled. It was getting chilly, and the overwhelming fatigue got the best out of Jeongwon.

"Professor, you could rest a little in my place... if you like. You can sleep while waiting."

Jeongwon hesitated a bit, but decided to give in.

------

"I'll just get an extra pillow and some blankets." said Gyeoul, while Jeongwon helped in fixing the convertible sofa bed in her living room.

Once fixed, he sat and removed his shoes.

"You live alone?" he asked Gyeoul once she got back.

"Yes, for a while now." she replied as she handed him the pillow.

"Ah, I see."

"I'll just be in my room. You can call me if you need anything."

"Thank you... Also, I'm sorry for being so troublesome." His shy look gave him away.

"It's nothing, don't worry." Gyeoul smiled, and went into her room.

Jeongwon lied down. He couldn't believe what was happening --- and how the situation could naturally give a wrong impression. If he told Ikjun about this, he would make fun of him and joke about how he got things to escalate so quickly. Junwan would tap him on the back and commend him for finally picking up some tricks of his. Songhwa would be very much amused, and would romanticize the whole situation. Meanwhile, Seokhyeong would remind him that he's an OB-GYN Professor, and that he delivers babies very well. He would be of service to Jeongwon if ever he needed one.

His thoughts started to tone down, and after no time, he was asleep.

-------

"Professor?"

......

"Professor? I fixed some lunch. Do you want to eat?" Gyeoul wore an apron over some loose shirt and pajamas now, and sun was already high up.

Jeongwon looked at his wrist watch.

2:24 PM.

He quickly sat up.

"I'm sorry, did the service arrive? I must have been in a deep sleep."

"Yes, they arrived a few hours ago. I tried to wake you, but you were soundly asleep."

"I'm really sorry. You had to pay them, didn't you? I'll just pay you back."

"The receipts are there, over the table."

Jeongwon went to get them, and was distracted with the smell of food coming from the kitchen.

"Professor, I fixed some lunch for us, if you want to eat..."

He felt ashamed to take another offer, but hearing his stomach grumble made him look the other way, again.

Gyeoul was already fixing the table for two, while Jeongwon sat quietly and contemplated how much trouble he caused her all in a single day.

"I'm really sorry... I meant to wake up, seriously. I was just really tired from last night."

"It's okay." Gyeoul said with a chuckle. "I'm not holding anything against you, Professor." she added as she handed out his chopsticks.

"Thank you for the meal." he then said.

Everything was new to Ahn Jeongwon. He didn't need to wipe the table, or arrange the food, or even wear an apron. He didn't even need to worry if he was going to get enough food, as everything was already at his disposal. This new scenario keeps him gushing.

Being alone with a girl, in her apartment, eating her cooked food, and feeling something that only grown-ups alone in an enclosed space would feel. It wasn't like this was the first time something like this is happening, he often said to himself. It somehow eased his discomfort.

All while knowing the truth that this is in fact the first time.

But it's not like Jeongwon didn't have the opportunity and ability to; he just chose not to. His faith led him to a different path, and he was decisive to go this way. For the longest time, this weighed more than any choice he had to make in his life. But this time, something, or perhaps someone, was gonna tip the scale.

-----

"Yah! Jang Gyeoul! What's this?" Chu Minha screamed as Gyeoul entered the GS Department, in time for another night shift.

Someone left iced latte for her. With a double bacon sandwich. And some patches to ease pain. It came with a written note, saying:

"To my Good Samaritan. Thank you~

---- Ahn Jeongwon"

The handwriting made Gyeoul smile.

"Why did Pediatric Surgeon Prof. Ahn Jeongwon gave you coffee? And why are you smiling?"

"Nothing. It's just to repay a good deed."

"That's the most vague yet unsuspicious answer I've ever heard! Good deeds really cannot be questioned at all. I wish someone would also give me coffee." Minha wouldn't stop, but Gyeoul wasn't listening either.

She focused on the note. And the coffee. And the sandwich.

While remembering the long day with Ahn Jeongwon.

[darawonplease]

Darawon fanfiction concepts

- trauma fanfic [concept]

Characters. Eun Jiwon x Sandara Park 

nb. I wanted to take inspiration from a bunch of songs to help myself decide the main plot/s of the darawon fanfic I want to craft.

Ni Yao de Ai / The Love You Want (Meteor Garden OST)

concept. unrequited love / coming to terms with reality.

Dara understands that the sweet romance she dreamed of couldn’t be further from the harsh reality. Jiwon is actively avoiding her. She keeps thinking about him but knows that she doesn’t have any grip on him, she knows nothing. She is very doubtful, she doesn’t know if his feelings are true or if she’s just a rebound. She realizes that her constant fantasies will hurt her and that the relationship he wants is quite different, he doesn’t want to depend on anyone and wishes for freedom.

Although I often dream of you I still have no idea It's raining outside Which day is it today But I don't know Where you went *Although I have never Doubted you I still feel uneasy Who is your one and only Forgive me for doubting myself ~I understand the love I want Will spoil me Like a little child Who only knows how to be Bad in your arms The love you want Is not just reliance Must be like a man Even in bad weather Leads a carefree life

- If I were You - 2NE1

concept. unrequited love / moving on / need for closure

Dara can’t just console herself. She spends all her nights watching the beautiful yet tactless night sky. She wants to swap places so that he’ll understand her feelings, she wants to understand him too. She wants to love him but this unrequited love has taken a toll on her. Dara wants to spend the last day together with him to finally be at peace and have the closure she desperately needs. The constant crying, the mix of emotions that are stirring violently inside of her are starting to make her feel apathetic. She wants to throw everything out and scream but no one would be there to listen to her pain. She wishes to move on, either through alcohol drinking or with the help of her friends but she is just stuck in her house. She can only listen to herself sobbing in that empty house that feels like a prison.

Another day passes by like this My whole day was spent for you I wore the clothes that you liked the best

I should look beautiful in the mirror But I just look miserable The tactless night sky is so beautiful I wish you could be me I wish I could be you I wish you could feel it for just a day Your heart My heart I wish I could love you I wish you would love me I wish we could be together just for a day So I can let you go without regrets I want to throw away everything in front of me I want to scream out loud but The only one to listen would be me Along with the burning candle There’s not much left to my heart This beautiful house feels like prison The tactless night sky is so beautiful Sometimes, I want to push everything back and go out like you I want to wash down my pain with alcohol, my sadness with laughter But I don’t

- Trauma - Eun Jiwon

concept. break-up / regret / failed romance / moving on

Jiwon’s marriage terminated with a divorce after only 2 years. He still can’t move on from this life long relationship. He’s left scarred and hurt. He perfectly knows that the more he tries to forget his ex-wife the more she intrusively come up in his life. He’s mad because their story seems to be written by a cruel author, he wishes to try again and change their tragic ending. 

I guess it has been long Since I lost you Everything about you makes you my kryptonite My wounds won’t heal easily If it was a novel I’d rewrite it We’ve come too far Memories turn into painful records

You’re my trauma, from the beginning We were characters of an obvious drama Tell me why, I just cry I have to spit you out to survive Our scripts have messed us  I just cry

The more I explain the worse person I become Why bother trying to forget you When you become more clear by day 

I just cry I have to erase you out of my head That’s the only way I’ll make it alive I just cry Trauma

Round & Round - SECHSKIES

concept. regret / break-up / moving on / pretending / calling for help

Jiwon keeps experiencing sleepless nights, everything is still while his heart is a mess. He tries to distract himself, like a parasite that sucks out other’s happiness to stay afloat but it’s just temporary; when the party reaches its end he suddenly feels the burden of being alone again. He wants to go crazy and have wild fun but deep inside he is lonely and miserable. He wishes to go back to Dara and prefers to be hurt again and again if it means to feel that happiness even for just a day. He misses the old times, the carefree relationship they lived happily. No matter how hard he tries to forget her, her voice is always in his mind. He’s hopeless and wants to be consoled by her. 

I toss and turn all night, nothing changes outside the window when i open my eyes It’s empty even when I fill and put whatever inside, the tv that’s chatting alone is not fun 

Even is I call people uselessly and borrow others laughter It’s good for a while, low low, I can’t feel it no more From the day you killed me 

I want to go crazy and stumble insanely I want to feel the emotions I felt when I met you for the first time again

I’m running wildly and lively right now, but my heart is dying I run crazily all night but i want to go to you honestly I can’t stand it no more, I’d rather be hurt again and again A few times of swears, pains and loves, I want to feel the you of back then 

When I look back while I’m playing without thinking, I’m trapped in a cold space   Even when I kicked the remains of you out of me, why do I keep hearing you when I close my eyes? 

The heart hardened by you and the broken compass I keep hearing the silence of the sad song Even if I try to close my ears, you keep on calling me The really dazzling long night when you left me 

I’m trapped in a windowless room My heart is lost and dizzy without you Please hug the broken me 

That time when my heart burnt On the day my everything ran round and round towards you I’m in regret without you 

I scream and laugh crazily     But I actually want to cry at the thought of you 

HATE - Eun Jiwon

concept. regret / break-up 

Jiwon finally gets what seems to bother him so much lately. He was so careless when rejecting Dara once again and finally realizes how much his words hurt her. He’s become a demon to his own eyes too, he can’t believe he was so harsh with such a sensitive woman.  He’s too afraid of commitment and tries to protect her distancing her failing to understand that he should’ve been there for her instead. He’s mad at himself for not being strong enough to hold her while he could. 

I hate myself, The TV show I saw last night It brought out the scary anger in my eyes the tv that’s chatting alone is not fun I don’t want to watch it all-day Every time I look in the mirror I close my eyes

Please let’s break up, I pray My mouth that said harsh things to you Shut up your lips tight, don’t say anything I haven’t said a word yet, yeah

Making you cry because of my tears And my hands that I didn’t hold you back I hate my feet that just turn around The painful night because of me Now I’ll let you go, goodbye No way, why did I lose you

I hate myself I can’t do anything I hate this about myself

- TIPSY - EUN JIWON

concept. drinking / temptation

Dara and Jiwon go out to get a few drinks together. He suddenly feels strange, his heart is palpitating, his pupils dilating, his cheeks redden. He want to blame it on the alcohol but he’s actually drunk with feelings. He finally gets to see the sensual side of Dara and stop himself from falling deeper and deeper for her.

It’s too early to sleep in this dark night My mind’s still noisy even when the flame’s out Even when I swam until I’m breathless I’m deeply locked with your thoughts. I’m stained with your fragrance

What kind of feeling that’s coming up is this? I heard the beating music inside of me The sound of a sweet laugh oscillates

I kept on being swayed just by your gaze the whispers of your red lips is so tender I’m attracted to you unknowingly I fell for you without any word, girl I know you’re danger

I’m spinning because of you, I think I’m going psycho I’m a drowned fool, Baby please slow down My heart’s goes round and round, don’t flip it Hold on to me while we’re playing because I’m wobbly It’s frustrating, I’m wobbly and everything’s twisting  Why do i keep on getting wobbly while we’re playing? It’s dizzy, got me tipsy tipsy tipsy

I’m drunk because of you,  I don’t know why I’m like this, why? I walked wobbly like that

I look at your dark hair and dazzling eyes You’re perfect and chic without trying while wearing your natural attire Your smile quickly flashes by while looking back at me, uh I fell for you right at that short moment

I fell for you more as this night gets deeper My lips calling for you without me knowing Your smile quickly flashes by while looking back at me, uh

Even when I look weak like this I can protect the only you, my girl When you’re tired lady, when you’re hurt, you can lean on me and cry.

- Don’t Give it to me - Loco ft. Hwasa

concept. drinking / temptation /

Jiwon and Dara go out for a couple drinks. Jiwon teases Dara and takes her over her drinking limits. She doesn’t want to disappoint him and accepts every drink he pours her even if she, deep down, knows it’s a terrible idea. She wants to properly confess to Jiwon and doesn’t want the alcohol to be the reason she fails again. The tension between them keeps increasing and the alcohol is slowly cutting on their inhibitions.

It's dangerous, a close call Holding on by a thread But you're trying to cut it with scissors I don't need your favor I don't have much patience I can only see it as a temptation Don't come to me, don't Don't cross the line, please Don't give me alcohol, don't I might try to make it work with you if drunk Don't offer me a drink, oh baby It'll only bring regrets Don't give me courage, oh baby I know it'll only last today If you want me to be sincere, don't give me that drink I'll say nonsense and do the devil's dance A cool wind blows outside but the world is still too harsh I want to keep you only at my side Men are all the same No, men who had drinks are all the same Saying I don't see anyone but you Is just saying I forgot everything else but you So don't give me alcohol I'm lonely enough sober Don't let me scissor away Ripping love and revealing instinct I want to get to know you first Ya, I want to keep my sanity They say this is the cost of getting older But I want to give it cheaply You don't even need to move Don't let my words become a ploy Let's just enjoy and toast with water Don't offer me a drink, oh baby It'll only bring regrets Don't give me courage, oh baby I know it'll only last today One shot, two shot, I don't want to keep emptying these glasses Don't get me feeling good anymore Don't make eye contact like you're making a toast I don't care who you are Don't make me cry I don't care who you are

[howsit-going-toend]

What Do YOU Want? Pt. 11

A Kwon Jiyong series ft. Kim Jiwon

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Word count: 3,200+

Summary: The most important person in the world to you can appear most often when you least expect it. But through everything, you can’t forget about you and your own happiness. Who are you happy with? Who is the best for you?

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10

(A/N: Ok this part is super super super emotional so prepare yourselves accordingly!! As always, I hope you guys enjoy!)

You stared back at Bobby as your lips parted slightly in shock. Out of every possible explanation for his recoiling from your near act of intimacy, his response had been nowhere on your list. Your mind raced while the two of you worked to get a grip on your breathing once again.

“W-What?” You stuttered despite your best efforts.

“You still love him.” He repeated the statement as you closed your eyes, nearly flinching as the first impact still hadn’t fully dissipated.

“I heard you…I just want to know why you said it.” You muttered with a nervous chuckle.

Bobby matched it with a light chuckle of his own as he dropped his head down. “You know exactly why, Y/N. God, you are such an incredible person but you really are oblivious.”

He looked up to see your confused, mildly offended stare. “I didn’t mean for that to sound like an insult. I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I think I just really need to get a lot off my chest right now.”

“If this is about me calling Mino, Jiyong, please understand it was an honest mistake. They look so alike, it didn’t mean anything, ok?” You replied, defensively.

Bobby stood up from his place on the bed to begin pacing. He laughed lightly while shaking his head. “Y/N, you call him Jiyong nearly every time you’re drunk around him. If you remember, there was like a month in the beginning of the year where Mino didn’t come out with us at all because one time you got drunk, thought he was Jiyong, and started cursing at him.”

Your cheeks reddened as you looked down in embarrassment. Every piece of you had sobered up just moments ago and yet you had zero recollection of any of this. “Ok… Then where is this coming from?” You muttered to the floor.

You felt Bobby tower over you as he stood in front of the bed. “Hey.” He said lightly with no reply. He then knelt down by the bed and gently took your hands in his. “Hey… Y/N, look at me.”

As your eyes met his, he smirked. “God, I have had the biggest crush on you for nearly three years now. Literally everyone knows about this except for you.” He laughed half-heartedly and looked away while your eyes widened as you fought a smile. You knew whatever he had to say from then on wouldn’t be as easy to hear.

“Don’t think you have to say anything. Like I said, I just need to get this off my chest.” He took a deep breath and returned his gaze to your face, hands still gripping yours. “I admired you from afar for years, until I had the chance to get to know you better. We hung out so much this past year and I loved every second of it. It made me so damn happy and I could tell it made you happy too.”

He paused as the grin that had touched his eyes slowly dissolved. “All I’ve ever wanted is to be able to make you happy. It hurt me to see you hurt so much for so long and all I ever wanted was to take that pain away and make everything better. I managed to push all feelings to the side so I could do this the best I possibly could. But I got selfish. I got selfish and I’m so sorry for that.”

You furrowed your brows in confusion and gripped his hands tighter as he continued. “All I have ever wanted is to be there for you. But that morning after I first spent the night here…that morning that I kissed you: I allowed my feelings for you to get in the way of what you actually needed. All I allowed myself to think was that you must feel the same way about me and so we should go for this.” He squeezed your hands for emphasis as he said the word “this.”

“But I knew all along that I couldn’t make you as happy as he did, and because of that…I think we should stop hanging out for a while.” He continued while looking down at your hands in his.

You opened your mouth to protest but he looked up and shushed you lightly before any words could escape. “Y/N, please don’t say anything yet.”

You ignored his plea and replied adamantly. “Bobby, you can’t compare yourself to him. Or my feelings for you to my feelings for him. That’s not fair to either of us.”

He chuckled. “I’m compared to him every single day, whether it’s me doing the comparison or not and whether I like it or not. He is G Dragon; the man, the myth, the legend.” He shook his head and lowered it in defeat. “And he’s the one that has your heart.”

He paused; meanwhile anger began to consume you. Your eyes watered more and more with each syllable that came out of his mouth.

“Please don’t think I’m saying any of this to make you feel bad. Or that this is me claiming some friendzone bullshit. I’m so sorry if it’s coming off that way. I just want you to be happy and I don’t think that you will find it with me. You’ve been so happy recently, yeah, and it has been amazing to witness. But none of us have ever seen you happier than when you were with Jiyong; and that goes for him too…”

He sighed before continuing. “I’ve pushed the thought down for so long, but after he came into the studio last month and you found out about everything, I can’t ignore it; I think I’ve messed up your emotions.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” You interjected while simultaneously releasing your hands from his, unable to control yourself as your blood boiled. You weren’t prepared for any of these words and it was starting to feel like an attack. Bobby’s words felt incredibly patronizing and if there was anything that topped your list on the things that you can’t stand in this world, it’s being spoken to like a child.

“Y/N, come on! Be honest with yourself. You…” He stopped himself and laughed, followed by a frustrated groan as he brought both palms to his face.

“What?” You said, coldly.

“Nothing, I just never thought I would relate to B.I.’s lyrics as much as I do right now. ‘Be more honest with yourself.’ That’s my own damn line.” He said with a half-hearted smile.

Silence descended on the room as your muscles relaxed themselves. You knew exactly what song he was referring to and slowly, everything he was saying began to make sense. Every word echoed in your mind as you recalled the lyrics to iKon’s “Just Go.”

Even if I try to hide it and pretend like it’s nothing

He was always the person that shined in your eyes; it wasn’t me

I’ll silently send you to him

Moments later, the tears you’d fought off began to fall from your eyes, streaking your cheeks victoriously.  “Bobby, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.” You practically whispered.

He paused before replying with a forced smirk. “Don’t be sorry to me; if you do that, my heart will burn up,” imitating B.I.’s voice with more lyrics. You cracked a smile; he always managed to make you smile, even when you didn’t think it were possible. “You don’t need to say anything. I just want you to think about what I’ve said and do whatever will make you happy.”

“But what about you?” You sniffled.

“I’ll be fine.” He replied with another smirk as he reached out and gently wiped the tears on your cheeks with his thumb.

You nodded and let out a sigh. “Maybe it is for the best that we don’t hang out for a while then.” It was his turn to nod in response as he swayed in place. The two of you remained uncomfortably quiet for a few minutes.

“But for now, can you please stay the night? It’s already so late and I don’t know about you, but after all of this, I’d rather not be alone.” You offered in a truce.

He locked eyes with you and grinned. “I can do that.”

You laid awake in bed until the light of the morning began to spill into the room through the blinds. The only thing that could have gotten you to sleep soundly through the night would have been someone knocking you out cold. Your mind kept you awake as Bobby’s voice bounced around in your head, diving into the furthest corners and crevices and more specifically: your most suppressed feelings.

“He’s the one that has your heart.”

The sentence repeated itself countless times as you stared at the ceiling, mimicking an insomniac counting sheep. You thought about everything that had happened; you thought of every single little thing that has occurred since that night you said goodbye to Jiyong and left his apartment while he sobbed on the floor. It had been well over a year and you couldn’t believe how flustered your mind had become again.

Was Bobby right?

Your eyebrows wrinkled along with your forehead as you lay on your side, facing away from him as he slept soundly beside you. As your mind continued its backtracking and managed to catch itself up to the last hour or two before bed, your face relaxed. You immediately covered your mouth and squeezed your eyes shut as you burst into tears.

It felt like a pickup truck had plowed into your chest as you put all your energy into staying silent with every sob. After what felt like hours, your body finally surrendered to exhaustion and allowed itself to go limp as your swollen, tear stained eyes closed.

Of course he was right.

It was difficult to tell when Bobby left that morning. All you remember is feeling the movement of sheets, followed by a warmth leaving your side. The bed was noticeably colder as you managed to push open your sleep filled eyelids and tilt your head up just enough to see him putting his shoes on.

You did your best to say his name, but the incredible amount of fatigue over your body held onto any basic sense of annunciation as a pair of inaudible syllables left your lips instead.

“Shhh, it’s ok, Y/N. Go back to sleep.” He whispered as he stood up and took a step closer to the bed.

You brought a fist up to your face to rub your eyes as you extended the other arm in his direction. He took your hand in his as he used the other to softly pat your hair down. You felt a comfort restore itself in your body as you closed your eyes and relaxed once again.

The last thing you remember was the feeling of Bobby’s lips on your forehead and the sound of his husky voice saying “Don’t worry about me, Y/N.” You recognized the smile in his voice as you drifted back into unconsciousness with a smile of your own. After that, you heard nothing; not even the sound of a door closing. Just like that, he was gone.

When faced with emotions or memories that are difficult to handle, many people find themselves metaphorically chained to their beds; unable to function or perform any of their regular routines or maintain any shred of personal hygiene. You were no stranger to these episodes.

But throughout the following week, your mind and body comingled in the exact opposite direction. You overworked yourself, giving your assistant choreographers time off while you took it upon yourself to teach every single class that came through your studio each day. You attended a series of meetings and got tasks done that weren’t originally scheduled to be accomplished for months. You were constantly up and on the move in some way; anything at all to keep your mind as preoccupied as possible.

As your last class of the week was dismissed, you plugged your camera into your laptop with an exaggerated exhale. Fridays had become designated YouTube days for your most advanced class and everything that went into filming their choreography was nothing short of exhausting. While waiting for the files to download to your hard drive, you browsed your account through every video’s comment section. A huge smile appeared on your face as you saw how many people left positive comments in regards to your choreography and the ability of your dancers. Receiving compliments from others about your ultimate passion in life never failed to brighten your day.

But such a moment wasn’t destined to last long with your recent luck.

Earlier in the year, you had to create a new channel because of the massive amount of hateful comments by Jiyong’s fans plaguing the videos of your dancers. You could shake off just about anything that was sent your way, but it was a shame to think these people didn’t care about the fact that these videos didn’t actually have anything to do with you; and they certainly had nothing to do with Jiyong. You should have known that some of them would find their way to your new page and spread more negativity.

You took a deep breath at the first sign of them gracing one of your newest videos with their presence. Every comment about him had at least ten people adding a virtual thumbs-up in agreement, but one in particular garnered the approval of over thirty.

“I don’t want GD with anyone but at least Nana is prettier than Y/N.”

Ouch

You let out a sigh and shook the negativity off as you deleted the comment like all of the others. Any mention of Jiyong’s stage name was removed on sight. This video wasn’t about you; it was about showcasing the talent of your dancers and preserving that notion meant too much to you.

As you lowered your finger over the button below your trackpad to delete another comment, you paused; the tone was unlike any of the others and it had developed into a thread of several replies.

“I don’t know what any of you are talking about. GD was clearly so much happier with Y/N.”

           “Right! It’s so obvious. He hasn’t been the same since last year.”

           “Thank you!! I was hoping I wasn’t the only one to notice how sad he’s been.”

           “I hate seeing GD sad :(”

           “Guys, he’s probably just stressed. They have a lot going on.”

           “Nah dude, he shows it the most in songs like Haru Haru. He barely even performs Crooked anymore, and when he does he hardly dances. Didn’t Y/N choreograph it?”

           “Omg you’re right!! Poor GD :(”

           “Can one of you show me what you’re talking about?”

           “It’s the most obvious in this clip from a fan meeting BigBang had in Japan back in the beginning of summer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqdqXjUXocg”

           “He looked so sad through that entire fan meeting honestly. It’s not the only one either. He’s just seemed really not himself this year.”

           “Haru Haru!!! He’s always gotten emotional with that song but you gotta admit this time seems different…”

You were stunned. Every voice in your head told you to click on the link and watch the video but your fingers refused to move. You couldn’t allow yourself to believe that Jiyong was that effected by your absence from his life. The last time you allowed such a thought to enter your mind, you were reassured of his private relationship with Nana and immediately felt like the biggest fool.

But after life had recently proved you weren’t finished with the intense roller coaster of emotions that came with loving Jiyong, you were ready for anything. You took another deep breath as you regained control of your motor movements and clicked on the link.

Your breathing hitched in your throat as the acoustic melody of Haru Haru filled the arena. Your heartrate followed suit, increasing exponentially as he came to view. He wore a white button up shirt to match the other members while his hair was bleached blonde. It had been over two years since you last saw it that color. It was the same color he’d had when the two of you met over four years ago.

As his figure became clearer amongst the others, you noticed his posture; he sat in a chair, hunched over with his face in the palm of his hand. He remained in this position as Seunghyun’s voice started the lyrics. As his part quickly approached, he sat up straight and shook his head as if trying to bring himself back to reality.

Your heart wrenched as you listened to his voice; his eyes closed while he said every Japanese lyric without missing a beat. It wasn’t until the chorus that you noticed the tears beginning to cloud your vision. Goosebumps ascended your arms and chills ran down your spine as their voices harmonized effortlessly. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d listened to this song; or any BigBang song for that matter. Your heart ached with memories of the past as the camera panned from Seungri, to Youngbae, and to Daesung.

“Oh, girl…I cry, cry…you’re my all…say goodbye.” Jiyong’s voice cracked slightly as he finished the iconic lyric. The tears began to fall down your face while his sight remained fixed on the ground.

Though you weren’t fluent in Japanese, you already knew every lyric to this song. It wasn’t until Jiyong’s next line and the expression on his face that you felt entirely suffocated by your emotions to the point that it was too much to bear.

Always be happy with him, so I don’t have to think of anything else. You have to get along, so there is not even a small regret in me.

You slammed your laptop shut as an epiphany overtook your senses and immediately caused a tidal wave of tears to pour from your eyes.

This fanmeeting happened in the middle of May, over a week after Bobby left and probably mere days after Jiyong called him on the phone in regards to your birthday. Just weeks before that, photos of him and Nana were published, but even months before then, he’d told Bobby to take care of you for him. He told him this after photos of you being seen out with Bobby had been leaked online.

Jiyong moved on… after he saw that you had allegedly done so with Bobby while all along you’d thought it was the other way around.

The entire time you’d been waiting for Jiyong to reciprocate your efforts at communication, it seems he’d entirely given up at the sense of you being happy with someone else. Tears continued to stream down your face with fervor as you sobbed into your palms. You reached out and slammed your fist against your desk, not noticing any shred of discomfort that followed.

You’d watched as Jiyong composed himself the best that he could in that clip, but you could see his face contort with a pain that only you knew he harbored. It was a pain that only you understood because you knew that at this very moment: someone else was listening to him while you sat there alone; wholeheartedly and irrefutably in love with him.