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dweemeister · 1 year ago

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2023 Movie Odyssey Awards

And now, the penultimate step to conclude the 2023 Movie Odyssey. The Movie Odyssey Awards honor the best in films that I saw for the first time last calendar year for me. Rewatches do not count. Other eligibility rules (such as whether or not a “TV movie” versus a “streaming movie” can count can be found here).

All of these films that were nominated or won (except for Worst Picture) are worth your time and are worth seeking. Even some of the most flawed films I saw this year managed a nomination somewhere - it helps there are ten nominees per category. And, as always, my Best Picture winners are my highest recommendations of the year.

There's also a new category this year! Another music category (some of you are already sighing, I know) in the form of Best Original Score Cue.

Best Pictures (I'm naming ten, I'm not distinguishing one above the other nine)

Anatomy of a Fall (2023, France)

The Color Purple (1985)

I Know Where I’m Going! (1945)

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

The Last Command (1928)

Oppenheimer (2023)

Past Lives (2023)

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1969)

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023)

Tár (2022)

For the second straight year, I have set a record low for the number of feature films that I saw in a calendar year since when this blog began (2012). And on my failure to adhere to my objective on seeing more pre-1980 movies than those released 1980 and after, this Best Picture list skews far more modern than it usually does. This is also the first Movie Odyssey Award for Best Picture slate without a 10/10 rated film.

Six movies from the 2020s doubles the record (set last year, with three) of Best Picture winners that have come from the current decade.

Anatomy of a Fall, through its courtroom drama lens, remarks on unknowability of even the people we love most. Steven Spielberg's adaptation of Alice Walker's novel The Color Purple is melodrama (a word I'm using here in the neutral sense) of the first order, and tenderly told. The romance I Know Where I'm Going! is not often mentioned when it comes to Powell and Pressburger films (it seems like their first postbellum film despite being set during WWII), but I think scholarship is coming around on that (and I approve).

Martin Scorsese looks like he is getting a lot of short shrift from critics and the industry for Killers of the Flower Moon as another movie dominates 2023's headlines instead. But I thought his adaptation of David Grann's non-fiction book was the best release of 2023, a dramatic epic set on the Oklahoma prairie retelling a horrible saga that American history forgot. Director Josef von Sternberg and Emil Jannings may have had a tumultuous working relationship, but this visually striking silent film makes incredible use of blocking of extras and an arguably career-best performance by Jannings.

Taking much of Killers of the Flower Moon's thunder is Christopher Nolan's Oppenheimer, surely one of the movies to define 2023. Nolan's 181-minute biopic epic is arguably his most humanistic film yet (for a director not known for his humanism). On a far different scale, Celine Song's Past Lives was perhaps one of the best romantic dramas I've ever seen in a theater.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse made its predecessor look safe by comparison with its wild variety of styles. Points off for its necessarily heavy exposition and incomplete narrative (it is the first part of two), but its radical background changes, ever-changing color palette, and comprehensible action choreography put the MCU to shame.

Lastly, Tár was very much overshadowed by Everything Everywhere All At Once last year, perhaps unfairly so (it doesn't help that when people hear that the film is immersed in the world of classical music, they immediately lose interest). And The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie was perhaps the film that shocked me the most all year, partly due to my expectations beforehand. Maggie Smith plays the title character in an atypical "teacher movie".

Best Comedy

American Fiction (2023)

Beauty’s Worth (1922)

Beverly of Graustark (1926)

Block-Heads (1938)

Fanfan la Tulipe (1952, France)

The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966)

Heathers (1988)

The Holdovers (2023)

My Year of Dicks (2022 short)

An Ostrich Told Me the World is Fake and I Think I Believe It (2021 short)

This comes down to which movie made me laugh the most. I don't think this was that great a year on the comedy end, but Alexander Payne's The Holdovers is destined to be a Christmas classic. A Christmas classic for the sadsacks among us.

I thought The Ghost and Mr. Chicken was going to be utterly terrible. I mean, look at that frigging title. I respect Don Knotts for his Andy Griffith Show work, but I have to be in the right mood. But boy, it was ideal October viewing when I didn't want to watch a straight horror movie. Attaboy, Luther!

Appearing from the Academy Award for Best Animated Short Film slate last year are My Year of Dicks and An Ostrich Told Me the World is Fake and I Think I Believe It. If I was still doing the Movie Odyssey For-Fun Awards, those two would tie for "Best Title". Not even close. It helps that they both made me laugh a lot!

Best Musical

Barsaat (1949, India)

Carmen Jones (1954)

Êsse Mundo é Meu (This World is Mine) (1964, Brazil)

The Fabulous Senorita (1952)

Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962)

Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio (2022)

Sparkle (1976)

Sun Valley Serenade (1941)

This is the Army (1943)

Trời Sáng Rồi, Ta Ngủ Đi Thôi (Good Morning and Good Night) (2019, Vietnam)

This category has always advantaged original musicals rather than stage adaptations. And the more songs, the better. Just edging out Barsaat and Sun Valley Serenade is Carmen Jones, an adaptation of Oscar Hammerstein II's adaptation of George Bizet's Carmen. Bizet's music remains; Hammerstein wrote the lyrics. Instead of Sevilla, we find ourselves in the American South and all-black cast starring Harry Belafonte, Dorothy Dandridge as Carmen, Pearl Bailey, Olga James, and Joe Adams. An important work, and one of the very few major studio Hollywood movies with an all-black cast. You'll have to get used to both Dandridge and Belafonte being dubbed (their voices not suitable to sing in an operatic style, so director Otto Preminger thought). however.

Sparkle could have won this had they adhered more to the late '50s/'60s Motown sound a lot more faithfully. And if, narratively, the movie was better.

Best Animated Feature

The Boy and the Heron (2023, Japan)

Ernest & Celestine: A Trip To Gibberitia (2022, France)

Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2021)

My Father’s Dragon (2022)

Nimona (2023)

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022)

The Sea Beast (2022)

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

Suzume (2022, Japan)

ATSV wins this category, but Ernest & Celestine took my heart yet again. Do yourself a favor: please see both the 2012 original and the sequel. The former is one of the best animated features of the young century and though the latter is not as good as the original, it's still very much worth your time.

I was a little disappointed in The Boy and the Heron and, to be honest, I disliked Marcel the Shell and Nimona - an opinion that, if I said this any louder, would invoke the wrath of many on tumblr. Cartoon Saloon misses for the first time with My Father's Dragon. The hot streak had to end some time! Puss in Boots was the biggest surprise in terms of expectations versus how good the movie actually was.

Best Documentary

Fire of Love (2022)

For Tomorrow (2023, Canada)

In Living Memory (2022 short)

Pianoforte (2023, Poland)

Refuge After War (2023)

The Stroll (2023)

Seen as part of the 2023 Sundance Film Festival. An HBO documentary, The Stroll is made by two transgender directors telling the story of the sex workers strolling around New York City's Meatpacking District in the 1980s and '90s, many of whom were transgender. I'm usually not a fan of documentaries where the directors are also subjects/have close ties to the material, but The Stroll is one of those rare exceptions. Beautifully told.

The classical music lover in me also deeply enjoyed Pianoforte, which follows a handful of young contestants (I think there's an age limit) at the XVIII International Chopin Piano Competition in Warsaw in 2021. One girl I recall said something akin to "I wish to play beautifully and with personality, but I also don't want to make a mistake!" Sorry miss, you've gotta do both! Also, I wonder how many of them hate Chopin's guts after competing in something like that.

Best Non-English Language Film

Anatomy of a Fall, France

Barsaat, India

Ernest & Celestine: A Trip to Gibberitia, France

Êsse Mundo é Meu (This World is Mine), Brazil

Fanfan la Tulipe, France

Fellini Satyricon (1969), Italy

Godzilla Minus One (2023), Japan

The Quiet Girl (2022), Ireland

Shayda (2023), Australia

Suzume, Japan

A relatively weak year in this category, and way too many films in here than there should be from this decade. But I'll highlight here Êsse Mundo é Meu, which I saw last February at the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures in LA (I would go more often if I didn't live so far). The film, an exemplar of Cinema Novo (taking inspiration from the French New Wave and Italian neorealism, a rejection of Brazilian popular musical and comedies at the time. The print was in bad shape, and the Museum had to recreate the English subtitles by themselves. But it was a wonderful film, and, unfortunately, it is rarely screened outside of Brazil. I highly doubt I'll see the likes of it again.

I'm still not sure what to make of Fellini's fantastical period, which took off after Juliet of the Spirits (1965, Italy).

Best Silent Film

Alice’s Wonderland (1923 short)

Beauty’s Worth

Beverly of Graustark

Clash of the Wolves (1925)

The Last Command

The Oath of the Sword (1914 short)

Something Good – Negro Kiss (1898 short)

With thanks to the San Diego Asian Film Festival for their screening of The Oath of the Sword, the oldest-surviving (that we know of) film made entirely by an Asian American film company and starring a nearly all-Asian cast.

I need to see more silent films next year.

Personal Favorite Film (TIE)

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. (2023)

Barbie (2023)

Don’t Bother to Knock (1952)

Ernest & Celestine: A Trip to Gibberitia

Gentleman Jim (1942)

Godzilla Minus One

Ice Merchants (2022 short, Portugal)

The Strawberry Blonde (1941)

Sun Valley Serenade

Wee Willie Winkie (1937)

Godzilla Minus One was the best experience I had in a theater this last year, especially as a fan of Toho's kaiju films.

You can watch Ice Merchants, the highest-rated short film I've seen in years, here. And of course, the Academy disagreed with me.

Best Director

Guillermo del Toro, Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio

Federico Fellini, Fellini Satyricon

Todd Field, Tár

Ronald Neame, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger, I Know Where I’m Going!

Martin Scorsese, Killers of the Flower Moon

Celine Song, Past Lives

Steven Spielberg, The Color Purple

Josef von Sternberg, The Last Command

Justine Triet, Anatomy of a Fall

This is not the best film from Powell and Pressburger, but I Know Where I'm Going! is a fascinating, quickly-shot film that I maintain is underrated in their filmography. You know it was an underwhelming year for me, when I'm not really feeling any of these ten for Best Director. But it had to be awarded to someone.

Best Acting Ensemble

Angels (2023, Vietnam)

The Color Purple

Don’t Bother to Knock

Heathers

The Holdovers

Killers of the Flower Moon

Oppenheimer

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

The Sea Wolf (1941)

Women Talking (2022)

Whoopi Goldberg, Margaret Avery, Danny Glover, Adolph Caesar, Rae Dawn Chong,Oprah Winfrey, Desreta Jackson, Willard Pugh, Akosua Busia, Laurence Fishburne, Howard Starr... everyone, take a bow. Some career-defining performances in there, enough to evoke tears out of me multiple times. The Color Purple an obvious choice for me here.

If you were to have me pick runners-ups? Probably The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. Killers of the Flower Moon.

Best Actor

Humphrey Bogart, Black Legion (1937)

James Cagney, The Strawberry Blonde

Albert Finney, Murder on the Orient Express (1974)

Brendan Fraser, The Whale (2022)

Hiệp Trần Nghĩa, The Accidental Getaway Driver (2023)

Emil Jannings, The Last Command

Roger Livesey, I Know Where I’m Going!

Bill Nighy, Living (2022)

Vincent Price, Witchfinder General (1968)

Edward G. Robinson, The Sea Wolf

I watched a lot of Vincent Price late in 2023. The Las Vegas Story (1952), House of Wax (1953), The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971). Witchfinder General, also known in the U.S. as The Conquerer Worm, was the role I was least familiar with. And oh my goodness is he excellent here. Price plays Matthew Hopkins, a 17th century English witch hunter, and this is perhaps Price's least sympathetic villain that I have seen. The direction might not be all that great, but give Price a non-campy, sadistic role and he will deliver.

Cagney is vastly underappreciated in The Strawberry Blonde, Humphrey Bogart is surprisingly gullible in Black Legion, and Bill Nighy breaks hearts in Living (a remake of Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru).

Best Actress (TIE)

Lucille Ball, Lured (1947)

Cate Blanchett, Tár

Marion Davies, Beverly of Graustark

Dorothy Dandridge, Carmen Jones

Lily Gladstone, Killers of the Flower Moon

Whoopi Goldberg, The Color Purple

Olivia de Havilland, The Strawberry Blonde

Greta Lee, Past Lives

Marilyn Monroe, Don’t Bother to Knock

Maggie Smith, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

I... couldn't make a choice. So I made two choices. Whoopi is extraordinary in her breakthrough role. Her physical acting helps us intuit the changing fortunes and self-belief of her character, and never resorting to histrionics as some actresses might. A beautifully nuanced performance.

A little less nuanced is Maggie Smith as Ms. Brodie. Easily one of the most memorable teacher movies I have seen, and it is Smith - giving her all to one of the a most complicated character - who makes it work perfectly.

Runners-up? Blanchett, Davies, Dandridge, and Gladstone. This category was fantastic this year.

Best Supporting Actor

Sterling K. Brown, American Fiction (2023)

Elisha Cook Jr., Don’t Bother to Knock

Robert De Niro, Killers of the Flower Moon

Danny Glover, The Color Purple

Milo Machado-Graner, Anatomy of a Fall

Dustin Nguyen, The Accidental Getaway Driver

George Sanders, Lured

Dominic Sessa, The Holdovers

Christian Slater, Heathers

Teo Yoo, Past Lives

George Sanders? A romantic interest in a noir? What? Well he is here, a departure (perhaps) from his debonair villainous roles. You can always depend on Sanders to deliver. Also considered De Niro here.

Best Supporting Actress

Margaret Avery, The Color Purple

Pearl Bailey, Carmen Jones

Ingrid Bergman, Murder on the Orient Express

Joan Blackman, The Great Impostor (1961)

Hong Chau, The Whale

Sherry Cola, Shortcomings (2023)

Pamela Franklin, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

Rita Hayworth, The Strawberry Blonde

Oprah Winfrey, The Color Purple

Selina Zahednia, Shayda

Seen at the 2023 Sundance Film Festival, virtually. Shayda is an Australian movie in which Iranian mother Shayda (Zahra Amir Ebrahimi) seeks refuge in an Australian women's shelter during Nowruz, Persian New Year. Selina Zahednia plays the daughter, Mona, and gives one of the best and most believable child performances of the young century.

Avery, Franklin, and Oprah Winfrey would have been next up.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Cord Jefferson, American Fiction

Menno Meyjes, The Color Purple

Daniel Taradash and Charlotte Armstrong, Don’t Bother to Knock

Eric Roth and Martin Scorsese, Killers of the Flower Moon

Kazuo Ishiguro, Living

Leo Rosten, Lured

Christopher Nolan, Oppenheimer

Jay Presson Allen, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

Robert Rossen, The Sea Wolf

Sarah Polley, Women Talking

Complain about the 3-hour runtime all you want. I just don't see how anything could've been cut; in fact, I think Roth and Scorsese could've added more context. What pushes them over the top here was their commitment - however flawed - to take the focus away from what was originally a more white savior-y approach to its current form. An extremely risky ending acknowledges more than it lets on.

Best Original Screenplay

Justine Triet and Arthur Harari, Anatomy of a Fall

Abem Finkel and William Wister Haines, Black Legion

Daniel Waters, Heathers

David Hemingson, The Holdovers

Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger, I Know Where I’m Going!

Celine Song, Past Lives

Garry Michael White, Scarecrow (1973)

Noora Niasari, Shayda

Makoto Shinkai Suzume

Todd Field, Tár

To descirbe the plot: Manchester native Joan Webster (Wendy Hiller) departs for the Scottish Hebrides in order to marry a wealthy industrialist she has never met. While awaiting the Scottish fog to clear, she meets a Royal Navy officer (Roger Livesey), who is happy to show her the sights and introduce her to the locals, whose humble lives are as far away from the war as could be possible.

Paramount Pictures (who didn't distribute the film) used this film's screenplay to their writer as an example of what a "perfect screenplay" looked like. Okay, it isn't perfect. But it's really damn good.

Best Cinematography

Dương Lê, Angels

Allen Daviau, The Color Purple

Êsse Mundo é Meu (This World is Mine)

Giuseppe Rotunno, Fellini Satyricon

Erwin Hillier, I Know Where I’m Going!

Rodrigo Prieto, Killers of the Flower Moon

Bert Glennon, The Last Command

Dewey Wrigley, My Friend Flicka (1943)

James Wong Howe, The Strawberry Blonde

Florian Hoffmeister, Tár

Best Film Editing

Nick Houy, Barbie

Jack Killifer, Gentleman Jim

John Seabourne, Sr., I Know Where I’m Going!

Thelma Schoonmaker, Killers of the Flower Moon

Michelle Tesoro, Maestro (2023)

Eddie Hamilton, Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)

Jennifer Lame, Oppenheimer

Norman Savage, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

Mike Andrews, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

Monika Willi, Tár

Best Adaptation or Musical Score

Irving Berlin, This is the Army

David Buttolph, Cyril J. Mockridge, and Emil Newman, Sun Valley Serenade

Herschel Burke Gilbert, Carmen Jones

Alexandre Desplat, Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio

Joseph L. Lilley, Girls! Girls! Girls!

Curtis Mayfield, Sparkle

Jaikishan Dayabhai Panchal and Shankarsingh Raghuwanshi, Barsaat

Phạm Hải Âu, Trời Sáng Rồi, Ta Ngủ Đi Thôi (Good Morning and Good Night)

Heinz Roemheld, The Strawberry Blonde

Naoki Sato, Godzilla Minus One

This category awards film scores from musical movies or film scores that are taking a lot of pre-existing material and employing variations, but not enough to be considered a more original score. This category also tends to favor musicals, full stop.

And that's what we find here with Sun Valley Serenade taking its 4th and 8th place finishes in MOABOS for a solid, solid musical score.

Best Original Score

Richard Rodney Bennett, Murder on the Orient Express

Danny Elfman, Batman (1989)

Allan Gray, I Know Where I’m Going!

Maurice Jarre, The Island at the Top of the World (1974)

Quincy Jones, The Color Purple

Henry Mancini, The Great Impostor

Alfred Newman, My Friend Flicka

RADWIMPS and Kazuma Jinnouchi, Suzume

Dimitri Tiomkin, Land of the Pharaohs (1955)

John Williams, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

Hans Zimmer, The Creator (2023)

The Ancient Egyptian language no longer exists in spoken form, as does any of that civilization's music. So what to do? Hire the one composer in Old Hollywood that you could fling into a historical cultural context so unlike his own and make it sound as genuine as he could get it (even if I'm sure no ancient Egyptian would understand the score too much). Dimitri Tiomkin came from a Russian Jewish family that lived in what is now Ukraine. He was a master of American Westerns and was also accomplished in films set in ancient Greece and Rome. He composes for Land of the Pharaohs one of the most musically interesting epic scores of the 1950s - I just wish there were better, cleaner, more modern recordings of this music!

Danny Elfman's score to Batman the runner-up here (that score played an important part in Batman: The Animated Series, and gave composer/conductor Shirley Walker a very important foothold in the film and television industry), but Richard Rodney Bennett, Quincy Jones, John Williams, and even Hans Zimmer (whom longtime readers will know I have a difficult relationship in terms of his post-Gladiator scores... but my gosh, he composes striking melodies again in The Creator!) are all worthy nominees here.

Best Original Score Cue

“Appel à la resistance”, Vincent Courtois, Ernest & Celestine: A Trip To Gibberitia

“The Building of the Tomb”, Dimitri Tiomkin, Land of the Pharaohs

“Cat Chase”, Kazuma Jinnouchi and RADWIMPS, Suzume

“Helena’s Theme”, John Williams, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

“Main Title”, Danny Elfman, Batman

“Main Title/Pharaoh’s Procession”, Dimitri Tiomkin, Land of the Pharaohs

“Nueva York Train Chase”, Daniel Pemberton, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

“Quantum Mechanics”, Ludwig Göransson, Oppenheimer

“Top Gun Anthem”, Harold Faltermeyer, Top Gun (1986)

“True Love”, Hans Zimmer, The Creator

Our newest category! Yes, a fourth music category. MOABOSC. Okay, let's not.

I've actually wanted to create this category for some time, but I never did so until now. A film score cue is simply any single track heard in a movie, as you may have guessed. No lyrics (that's a song). Must be an original composition.

And it's John Williams who picks the inaugural award up for "Helena's Theme". Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny is not the greatest movie. But Williams, now at 91, can compose scores and cues that other composers would sell their souls to compose material half as good. "Helena's Theme" is the dominant new idea in Dial of Destiny. Helena, played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, is Indy's goddaughter. And her motif, mainly expressed through strings, is a romantic line that harkens to Erich Wolfgang Korngold (a classical music composer who crossed over into films, set the sound for Warner Bros. swashbuckler movies from the 1930s-40s, and established many norms of film scoring still in place today). A tremendous piece from Williams.

Runners-up behind Williams? Elfman, Tiomkin (for the main titles), Pemberton, and Zimmer.

Best Original Song

“Chattanooga Choo Choo”, music by Harry Warren, lyrics by Mack Gordon, Sun Valley Serenade

“Ciao Papa”, music by Alexandre Desplat, lyrics by Roeban Katz and Guillermo del Toro, Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio

“Danger Zone”, music and lyrics by Giorgio Moroder and Tom Whitlock, Top Gun

“Êsse Mundo é Meu (This World is Mine)”, music by Sérgio Ricardo, lyrics by Sérgio Ricardo and Ruy Guerra, Esse Mundo é Meu

“Hooked on Your Love”, music and lyrics by Curtis Mayfield, Sparkle

“I Know Why (And So Do You)”, music by Harry Warren, lyrics by Mack Gordon, Sun Valley Serenade

“I’m Just Ken”, music and lyrics by Mark Ronson and Andrw Wyatt, Barbie

“Miss Celie’s Blues (Sister)”, music by Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton, lyrics by Quincy Jones, Rod Temperton, and Lionel Richie, The Color Purple

“Qu-est-ce qu’on fait de l’amour? (What Do We Do with Love?)”, music and lyrics by Vincent Courtois, Ernest & Celestine: A Trip To Gibberitia

“Suzume”, music and lyrics by RADWIMPS, Suzume

Thanks to all of you who participated in MOABOS this year!

Best Costume Design

Jacqueline Durran, Barbie

André-ani, Kathleen Kay, and Maude Marsh, Beverly of Graustark

Rosemary Odell,The Black Shield of Falworth (1954)

Aggie Guerard Rodgers, The Color Purple

Danilo Donati, Fellini Satyricon

Jacqueline West, Killers of the Flower Moon

Norma Moriceau, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

Tony Walton, Murder on the Orient Express

Joan Bridge and Elizabeth Haffenden, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

Orry-Kelly, The Strawberry Blonde

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Paul Engelen and Colin Jamison, Batman

Uncredited, Beauty’s Worth

Ken Chase and Robert L. Stevenson, The Color Purple

Gordon Bau, House of Wax (1953)

Emile LaVigne and Ann Locker, Land of the Pharaohs

Elizabeth Ann Fardon, Helen Evans, Rosalind Da Silva, and Cheryl Newton, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Kazu Hiro, Sian Grigg, Duncan Jarman, Michael Mekash, and Kay Georgiou, Maestro

Stuart Freeborn, John O’Gorman, Charles E. Parker, and Ramon Gow, Murder on the Orient Express

Gordon Bau and Jean Burt Reilly, The Omega Man (1971)

Adrien Morot, Judy Chin, and Annemarie Bradley-Sherron, The Whale

I wonder how audiences though of the makeup in 3D back in the 1950s. Yes, House of Wax was filmed in 3D when it was a fad for the first time.

Best Production Design

Sarah Greenwood, Barbie

Anton Furst and Peter Young, Batman

Uncredited, Fellini Satyricon

Ted Smith, Gentleman Jim

Curt Enderle and Guy Davis, Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio

John Paul Kelly, A Haunting in Venice (2023)

Jack Fisk, Killers of the Flower Moon

Hans Dreier, The Last Command

Jack Stephens, Murder on the Orient Express

Anton Grot, The Sea Wolf

Achievement in Visual Effects

Alice’s Wonderland

All Quiet on the Western Front (2022)

Barbie

Batman

The Creator

Godzilla Minus One

In Which We Serve (1942)

The Island at the Top of the World

Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One

Oppenheimer

Top Gun: Maverick (2022)

All of these films are winners. You can't make me judge the visual effects from a 2020s movie versus a '40s movie. Come on now.

Worst Picture

Barbarella (1968)

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963, Japan)

Mười: Lời nguyền trở lại (Muoi: The Curse Returns) (2022, Vietnam)

Treasure Island (1973)

Wish (2023)

Because holy cow. What even was low-budget major studio animation in America in the 1970s?

Honorary Awards:

The Film Foundation, for their tireless devotion to the preservation and restoration of classic world cinema

Ben Model, for composing wonderful scores for silent films and helping to preserve the memory of the silent film experience

FILMS WITH MULTIPLE NOMINATIONS (excluding Worst Picture... 51) Thirteen: The Color Purple

Ten: Killers of the Flower Moon

Eight: The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

Seven: I Know Where I’m Going!, The Strawberry Blonde

Six: Barbie, Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio, The Last Command, Murder on the Orient Express (1974), Oppenheimer, Suzume, Tár

Five: Anatomy of a Fall, Batman, Don’t Bother to Knock, Ernest & Celestine: A Trip to Gibberitia, Fellini Satyricon, Past Lives, Sun Valley Serenade

Four: Beverly of Graustark, Êsse Mundo é Meu, Godzilla Minus One, Heathers, Land of the Pharaohs, The Sea Wolf

Three: American Fiction, Barsaat, Beauty’s Worth, The Creator, Gentleman Jim, Lured, Shayda, Sparkle, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, The Whale

Two: The Accidental Getaway Driver, Angels, Black Legion, Fanfan la Tulipe, Girls! Girls! Girls!, The Great Impostor, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, The Island at the Top of the World, Living, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, Maestro, Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One, My Friend Flicka, This is the Army, Top Gun, Trời Sáng Rồi, Ta Ngủ Đi Thôi (Good Morning and Good Night), Women Talking

WINNERS (excluding honorary awards and Worst Picture; 32) 4 wins: The Color Purple

3 wins: I Know Where I’m Going!, Killers of the Flower Moon

2 wins: Anatomy of a Fall, Barbie, Godzilla Minus One, The Last Command, Oppenheimer, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

1 win: All Quiet on the Western Front (2022), Batman, Carmen Jones, The Creator, Fellini Satyricon, The Holdovers, House of Wax, Ice Merchants, In Which We Serve, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, The Island at the Top of the World, Land of the Pharaohs, Lured, Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One, Murder on the Orient Express, Past Lives, Shayda, The Stroll, Sun Valley Serenade, Tár, Top Gun: Maverick, Witchfinder General

86 films were nominated in 27 categories.

#Movie Odyssey Awards #My Movie Odyssey

2 notes · View notes

livingasaghost · 2 months ago

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i have no business writing a stupid post about the wicked movie because like! come on. we left cringey read mores in 2018 right? nope! wrong!!!!! my emotional support musical, MY blog!!

can safely say i had low expectations but like also there were 20 years of expectations buried within me so i was really hoping for something special ya know? and objectively i did have to turn off my musical theater brain because wHEW there were some choices and they were made and they should not have been....but! even if it isn't my favorite movie musical of all time (moulin rouge and mamma mia and les mis my beloved) i think this is quite literally the best we could have gotten for this musical.

and the thing that was sending me the entire time was like...the scope of this thing. like i have had the desire to watch a wicked movie for as long as i have cognitive thought honestly. since i was like eight or nine years old. i still remember being ten and dramatically sighing thinking ahhhh maybe one day i will get a wicked movie... and then time passed and i saw the show three separate times and i just kept thinking that maybe someday that dream would come true. so when i was watching it tonight it really was one of the rare moments where like i reached through the ether to younger me and was like WE MADE IT! WE ARE HERE! WE NEVER THOUGHT WE WOULD GET HERE BUT WE DID! AND IT IS GLORIOUS!

and it's like yeah so many of us have personal connections to wicked and it was very much a musical of my generation but i always forget that so much of who i am is built on this fucking show. it was the first musical i found on my own. it was the first show that i begged my parents to get me tickets for. it was instrumental in my upbringing and my inner life and i cannot separate parts of myself from the wicked musical because they've been connected for twice as long as they haven't. and at the heart of all of it is the person i shared it with.

it's funny because a lot of my friendships have bonded over wicked, and again, we all liked wicked growing up so it wasn't like i couldn't connect the female friendship show with everybody...but it did start somewhere. and that friendship has now been dead for almost twenty years. i don't think about her, i buried us a long time ago, and for the most part i don't think about what might have been because hey, it's over and i don't even think we'd like each other if we met each other now. but when i watched this movie, i was over-fucking-whelmed by her presence. and a younger version of me along with her.

she was galinda and i was elphaba and even though i didn't understand the deeper meaning and context of the show at the time, we still were just two bEst friends ya know? and so when the opening number started, my heart dropped out of my chest and i thought oh, there you are. i've missed you. where did you go? and when elphie and galinda had their special dance moment i was sitting there bawling, hoping even now that she'll see this same moment in theaters and that she has no choice but to think about me the same way i was thinking about her. that no matter what happened at the end or all the years and time between us, somewhere out there it's just the two of us at nine years old, singing these songs at the top of our lungs, making each other laugh without a care in the world.

and when elphaba asked glinda to come with her, i burst into tears thinking, oh, she left me behind didn't she. she didn't want to come with me after everything. and regardless of how glinda's character plays out in act two (gee, what could happen!!!) it still hit me that she had tears in her eyes as she helped her best friend fly.

as much as i thought about the person i lost, it also felt like such a privilege that i could reach out and touch the nine year old version of me. we don't have time machines but there is a red string of fate connecting who i am today with who i was back then, and i wanna tell her that we made it. when elphaba's falling and she sees her reflection...when she had her moment to sing the wizard and i...it's like no time had even passed at all. i was still singing in my childhood bedroom to my little CD alarm clock. and i was so terrified to be a person, so unsure of myself, so full of dreams. and i hoped that one day something would happen to me.

and tonight i sat there in a theater in a big city that i live in all on my own, next to a friend who cares about me more than so many of the friends of my youth ever did, feeling overwhelmed by the friendships i have now and the career i've built for myself and the person i know that i am now, less than six months out from turning thirty...and i got to hold hands with my younger self and tell her it's all gonna work out in the end. and that she should enjoy those sleepovers as much as possible. that just because glinda doesn't get on the broom with you, it doesn't mean you can't fly high on your own.

but god, i wish i could go back one more time. just to tell my person thank you.

(i do have to say......i live in fear for part ii...........there will be mass casualties, no one is going to survive that fucking film...whew.....)

#wicked #personal

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twrflwrarch · 4 years ago

Note

Happy Birthday to Tangled! (US releade date anyway)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TANGLED!!!!!!

#OOC.#i'm BUZZIN!!! i've watched it twice today...#i saw this movie in theaters when i was NINE and made a blog for rapunzel when i was eleven a sdfjklhsgfkd #thank u miss claire keane #skyaches

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thanksjro · 4 years ago

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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benthelastskywalker · 4 years ago

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My Reylo Story

As some of you may or may not already know, I didn’t start off as a Reylo when TFA came out. Instead it was a journey and I wanted to share my story with you.

First, however, I think it’s important to explain where I was coming from both as a shipper and as a Star Wars fan pre-TFA. I first became aware of shipping in 2009/2010, or at least what it meant. I guess I could say I’d been a shipper long before that, I just wasn’t aware of it as a thing until then. But here’s the thing, I didn’t ship based solely on chemistry. To me shipping was more than just about whether or not a certain dynamic interested me. It was about wanting the characters to be happy in that relationship. So for me, how the characters treated each other was a pretty big deal.

So because of that, I had a hard time when I saw people shipping pairings that I viewed as “toxic.” If one character is being mistreated or flat out abused by another, how could they be happy? While I can honestly say I never sent anyone hate for shipping those things, I did post plenty of “anti” posts about those ships (tagged correctly, though) and followed anti blogs.

Onto my history with SW. I grew up on Star Wars. I’m not exaggerating when I say that. My parents both saw A New Hope in theaters as teens when it came out and both became fans. After they met and got married, they showed the movies to my three sisters and me from an early age. I don’t even remember the first time I watched the original trilogy because I was so young. There was never pre-SW time in my life. It’s something that has always been a part of my life. The legacy characters are life long friends.

The prequels came out when I was between nine and fifteen. And overall, I was not impressed. I liked the first movie well enough, but the dialogue in the other two made them almost impossible to watch and the love story between Anakin and Padme did nothing for me. It wasn’t until I was older and getting into shipping culture that I realize why. It was just not a healthy relationship and one I couldn’t support. While I acknowledged the prequels as canon, I basically grew to ignore them and focus on the original trilogy.

When I was in college, I had to take a speech class. One lesson was on story telling where the teacher stressed the golden rule of story telling: “Show, don’t tell.” The example she used was of a selfish child. “Don’t just say ‘he’s selfish’,” she said. “Show him acting selfishly.”

Sometime after that, I was rewatching the original trilogy. I got to the part when Luke goes to confront Vader on Endor and Luke tells him, “I fell the conflict within you. Let go of your hate.” I had a light bulb moment of, “Wait, what? What conflict? We never saw any conflict!” Luke mentioning the conflict within Vader was the first clue that were was one. I realized then that Vader’s redemption had no real build up across the three movies. It all takes place in the third act of the final film. It wasn’t a journey. It was a spur of the moment turn. And it bothered me. “Show. Don’t tell.” That’s the rule. And Lucas told us.

So then TFA came out and we got Kylo Ren. And they actually showed us his inner conflict and I loved it! I loved the character. He was instantly my favorite. I kept thinking “This is what they should have done with Vader!” Not even him killing Han, which I was totally devastated about, could make me dislike Kylo.

Yet, I wasn’t looking for the romance in the story. Because of this and because of what I’ve already said about my shipping history, it did not cross my mind at all that Reylo would be a thing. Not even an inkling. So if you had asked me right after I watched TFA for the first time who I thought Rey would fall in love with, I would have said Finn. Not because I shipped it, but because I just didn’t see another candidate.

It was only when I got home from the theater and got onto tumblr and started seeing posts about Reylo that I realized it was even a thing. I was shocked! As much as loved Kylo Ren, I didn’t get how anyone could ship him with Rey. He had kidnapped her and mind probed her after all.

But the thing is, I wasn’t angry so much as I was just confused. So I did something that I will never regret. I reached out to Reylos and I asked them what they saw in the ship. And their answers surprised me. They pointed out how Rey had fought back in the mind probe scene, showing that Rey wasn’t just a helpless victim. They pointed out the differences between how he treated Rey in that scene and how he had treated Poe when he was been mind probing him earlier. They also said it had the potential to the reverse Anidala (which intrigued me). They also pointed out (and I think this was the biggest misconception regarding Reylo and Reylos at the time) was that they didn’t actually want Kylo and Rey to get together right then, that they both had growing and maturing to do and they acknowledged that it wouldn’t be healthy for them to be together as they were at the end of TFA. And they explained all this nicely, without any hint of judgment or rudeness for someone who didn’t get their ship.

After that I went to see TFA a second time. This time I tried to see what they saw. I started to get it, but I still couldn’t bring myself to ship it. Shortly after that, I saw a post where someone said something about Ben being manipulated by Snoke since infancy. I reached out to that person and was like, “Where are you getting that from?”

“Oh, that was in the TFA novelization.”

So, I got a hold of the novelization and read it. Sure enough I learned that Ben had indeed been manipulated since infancy and that really changed pretty much everything about how I viewed him. I had loved the character before, but now I really began to sympathize with him.

But the novelization did more than that. It made me realize that Reylo might just be something that wasn’t just in the shippers’ head, because the subtext...oh my word, the Reylo subtext was all there. And the novel made it quite clear that Finn and Rey were just friends, nothing more. So that was the last time I ever thought FinnRey might happen.

While I didn’t consider myself a Reylo at that point, I continued to keep up with all of the Reylo theories that were floating around. It helped that one of my mutuals was going through the exact same thing too and were we able to talk about it together.

Then TLJ came out. Oh, boy. I find myself smiling whenever Kylo and Rey talked and going, “This! This is what the shippers predicated!” I came out of that movie, so happy. I was disappointed that he had returned to the light right then, but I never doubted he would eventually get his redemption.

It was only in the months leading up to the release of TROS that I finally admitted to myself that I was a Reylo and it’s something that I’ve never regretted, nor while I ever. Despite the disappointment that TROS turned out to be, I still love the ship, I love the characters, and I love my fellow shippers.

Becoming a Reylo has certainly changed my view on shipping too and while there are still those ships that make me cringe, I’ve learned just to ignore them.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from this experience, is not to turn away from people with differing opinions, but to actually talk and listen. This goes beyond shipping. This applies to every aspect of life.

And now I’m curious to hear your Reylo story.

#star wars #reylo

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julie1706 · 4 years ago

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Julie’s incredibly aesthetic incredibly autumny list of movies that she maybe recommends (part 2)

Oh sweet joy! It turns out that there are many more great, fantastic, cosy movies (and tv-series!) just absolutely perfect for autumn. By popular demand, I return with even MORE autumny recommendations, and this time, there might even be spell-checking. (Looking at you, “Silence of the Lamps”) (I won’t edit that, because that’s just funny.)

Thank you for reading the previous one, and I hope you’ll enjoy this one too! We have some GREAT ones coming up. I hope! Maybe! But what I believe will really perfect this second list, is the fact, that autumn is close to being at its peak right now, with it being October! Woohoo!

Pumpkins, Jack’o’lanterns, spooky movies, Halloween, tricks and treats, fog, rain, candles lit in the dark, delicious tea, and scarves, because the chill is back in the air! Amazing! The aesthetics are to die for!

I’m on a small break from university, and have actually been having some allowed free time, to do autumny stuff. By this I mean I can do autumny stuff with my family and friends, and not feel guilty, because this time I’m not procrastinating. Well, I’m a little behind on some books, but it’s not that bad. You’re allowed free time on breaks! They’re supposed to be mostly free time, anyone knows that. I refuse to be a good student on breaks!

This free time means that I have actually had time to watch some of these movies and tv-shows myself, and so I can feel a little better about recommending most of them, since I’ve actually seen them. Hehe. Still. I do have other, boring stuff to do, like reading for uni, emptying the dishwasher, cooking, vacuuming, etc., so there will be some of these I’m including, I have not watched, and those will be, again, backed by the power of optimism. Yay! Anyway! You’ve read enough not-halloween recommendationing, and is getting bored - Let’s get to it! (Also, these are still in random order, and I will put warnings at the end, again <3)

Coraline

I remember watching Coraline when it came out in theaters, years ago. I also remember that we had a little closet-thing in the wall, small and closed-up, but still very similar to the one she goes into, in the movie. Needless to say, this was not a favorite for little Julie, who was absolutely scared shit-less by this movie. I remember button-eyes, decaying puppets, and a very scary mom. Now, I have not watched the full movie since, but from bits and pieces through the years, I can wholeheartedly recommend this one. It’s stop-motion, the details are incredible, and wow, this movie is great. If you, like me, are no longer 9 years old, watch it! It’s wonderful, and surprisingly, very feel-good in the family aspect. A great movie!

Official synopsis:

An adventurous 11-year-old girl finds another world that is a strangely idealized version of her frustrating home, but it has sinister secrets.

//Warning: do not watch this, if you are around nine years old. It will absolutely traumatize you about small closets in old houses. If you are not nine years old, I think you’re good! Just the right amount of spookyness, I believe!

Sense and Sensibility

I watched this with a good friend in february, I think. So I’m not sure why I think this has to go on an autumny list, but I stand by it! Maybe it’s the beige and brown, beautiful clothing, the many shots of nature, and the relationships between these characters, that fits very well with the cold and chilling air, we find ourselves in, here in lovely October. I don’t know. Food for thought. But this is a great movie, and I really think you should try watching it under a blanket, with tea and a good friend. We didn’t know the story before we saw it, and it had us guessing! And there is a part my other friend Sif told me, always makes her dad cry, and I think that should be taken as a compliment to this movie! It’s great! Love, sisters, crisis and period drama (and great clothes), this movie has it all! (also - Emma Thompson!)

Official synopsis:

Rich Mr. Dashwood dies, leaving his second wife and her three daughters poor by the rules of inheritance. The two eldest daughters are the title opposites.

//Warning: It might make you cry. But I promise, it will be a good experience, in the end. It’s not scary, though.

Over the Garden Wall (animated series)

Well, this one, I’ve been dreading to add to my list. Now, you must not misunderstand, it’s not because I don’t like it. It’s because this series is so great, so weird, so beautifully drawn and made, that I’m afraid I could write a whole blog post dedicated only to Otgw, and still not feel that I have done it justice. It's just so good. It’s like the someone just decided one day, to make a series, that absolutely, perfectly encompasses autumn and halloween, and then did just that. The storyline is good, the art is good, the soundtrack is good. God, the soundtrack. I’ve also made sure to listen to this show’s soundtrack, since we left summer behind, and it’s just so good. There’s a reason tumblr went wild, when this show was first released. But since this is an AUTUMNY list, let me focus on those aspects. Big dark woods, scary noises in the dark, red and golden leaves, fantastical beings - this show has it all, and trust me, it WILL get you in the mood for autumn. I almost started puking leaves and pumpkins when I watched this with my friends, that’s how pumped it got me. This show has a special place in my heart, and if you promise not to tell all the other movies and shows on the list, I’ll admit something: this might be a favorite of mine. Maybe THE autumny favorite.

Official synopsis:

Two brothers find themselves lost in a mysterious land and try to find their way home.

Warning: May be a little spooky, but I have it on good authority from a friend that is a true scaredy-cat, with nerves of whipped cream, that’s it’s fine. She could handle it, watches it every year, and she’s fine. Good levels of scary.

Corpse Bride

Believe it or not, that same scaredy-cat of a friend, I just mentioned, actually instructed a musical, based on this story. Is she a horror-fan or not? I have no idea, but her show was so well-done, that it actually made me like this movie a bit better. I have seen it before, but she convinced me, by telling me the original story behind this movie, that it’s pretty great. And by association, this movie became pretty great, too. It’s been some years since I saw this, but it’s a pretty good halloween movie, I think. Dead people tormenting the living. Classic autumn stuff, I would say. And it’s pretty well-made, I think, stop-motion again! I like the aesthetic of a corpse bride, though you have to admit the actual thing is pretty sad. The premise is haunting and scary, but it’s more morose, melancholic and depressing, I think. Poor Emily. But a good movie! Sorry, maybe that wasn’t a very enticing description, but I promise, it will do you more good than bad, to watch it. And then go google the original story, the movie is based on!

Official synopsis:

When a shy groom practices his wedding vows in the inadvertent presence of a deceased young woman, she rises from the grave assuming he has married her.

//Oops, nearly forgot a warning! Warning: some people are dead, and therefore rotting a bit. If you’re squeamish, don’t watch. If you love sad love stories, definitely watch!

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Yeah, I’m not sure why this has to go on my Autumny List either, sorry. It just has to. I know it takes place over an entire year, but in my head, it jut fits very well with the whole magic, supernatural, foggy halloween times we find ourselves in. I mean, look at the cover! Maybe it’s the iconic scene, right before the troll is discovered in the girls’ bathroom (sorry, spoiler), with the floating jack’o’lanterns, and tables almost crashing undet the weight of candy and cakes, that convinced my brain, that this is a halloween movie. I don’t know. Just trust me on this, and watch the first Harry Potter movie. It’s pretty good.

Official synopsis:

An orphaned boy enrolls in a school of wizardry, where he learns the truth about himself, his family and the terrible evil that haunts the magical world.

//Warning: Nah, you’re good ;-)

Little Women (Important: 2019 edition)

Alright girls, we’re hopping genres again! This is another period-drama (sort of), about sisters, and wow, I cried to this. I bawled, I sobbed, I choked on snot, and was a little inconsolable, when I watched it with friends, at the cinema. One of the best experiences this year, and one of the greatest movies I have watched in a long time. I love everything about this movie: the family-bonds, the clothing, the many nature-shots, the developments of characters, (almost) all the characters, and just, wow. No good way to end that sentence, because I want to just keep describing all the good parts of this movie, because it's everything. It’s amazing, and yes, i’m exaggerating, but I can’t help it. I forgot to eat my popcorn or drink my water, when we watched this, that’s how mesmerized I was by this movie. I love Jo, I think I can empathize a lot with her, and if I could talk to her, if she was real, I would thank her for telling her story. This movie is great, you should watch it, because it makes you feel so warm inside.

Official synopsis:

Jo March reflects back and forth on her life, telling the beloved story of the March sisters - four young women, each determined to live life on her own terms.

//Warning: Might make you break down crying. But in a good way. Very cathartic, actually.

Alien

I watched this for the first time last year, when I decided I was going to watch the classic older horror movies, and not freak the fuck out. I mostly succeed. And this movie was a joy to watch. That’s maybe weird to say about an alien horror movie, but wow I just love Sigourney Weaver, and the aesthetics of this movie. The story is thrilling, and I really did not like most of the characters, I thought they were hysteric and annoying, but I still rooted for them. It’s a different kind of horror movie, that’s for sure! But when I watched it, I totally understood why it has become such a classic.

Official synopsis:

After a space merchant vessel receives an unknown transmission as a distress call, one of the crew is attacked by a mysterious life form and they soon realize that its life cycle has merely begun.

//Warning: Uh, yeah, Sif, this is not one for you. It’s gross and scary. Malin, I think you’ll like this one! Go ahead! Maybe we should see it together?

Edward Scissorhands

Haven’t seen this one! I want to, though. I think I’ve seen one scene, where this man accidentally pokes a water-bed, and younger me felt that was a very tragic thing, on more levels. Johnny Depp yet again, so it has to be good, right? I know this poor guy, Edward, has it rough, and was given some really not that practical hands. Man, he looks sad, huh? So maybe more sad than scary, yet again. Dont know! But I really do want to watch it. Winona Ryder is in this, too, so really, it’s a no-brainer!

Official synopsis:

An artificial man, who was incompletely constructed and has scissors for hands, leads a solitary life. Then one day, a suburban lady meets him and introduces him to her world.

//Warning: I don’t know? Maybe not that spooky? I think it’s more sad, to be honest.

Pride + Prejudice + Zombies

I mean, why the hell not - right? I love Jane Austen. I love Pride and Prejudice. And I really like halloween, so OF COURSE, I’m including this one. I’ve seen it, too. My friend Malin and I watched it a couple of years ago, and yeah, it’s good. It’s not high cinema, no, but I don’t need that. It was a fun, weird twist, and sometimes, that’s all you need. There is a very interesting scene with a corset, that was NOT in the book, and I think it really added something to this story. And Lily James. Whew. Great movie. Great for autumn. I will be watching this one again.

Official synopsis:

Five sisters in 19th century England must cope with the pressures to marry while protecting themselves from a growing population of zombies.

//Warning: I can’t really remember, but I think there’s some pretty gross scenes with zombies. Rotting flesh is NOT pretty. But just close your eyes for that, and you’ll be good!

The Haunting of Hill House

I first watched this series when i came out some time ago. I never finished it, I don’t think my heart was in it, but by no fault of the show. Now, that the same creator has made another show, which my mom and I are hooked by, and almost through, I think I’ll be returning to this one - it deserves another chance! A great old house, ghosts, family secrets and INCREDIBLE aesthetics, mean there must be something here! Also, I think it’s based on a novel by Shirley Jackson, and it’s supposed to a classic horror novel, and Stephen King tweeted that he liked it, so yeah, it’s promising! The series I’m watching with my mom is spooky, but tumblr says the Haunting of Hill House is supposed to be much more spooky, terrifying, even, and I really want to find out if that’s true!

Official synopsis:

Flashing between past and present, a fractured family confronts haunting memories of their old home and the terrifying events that drove them from it.

//Warning: Very Scary! Faint of heart - Beware! Just enjoy this beautiful gif of Nell dancing by herself, and move on <3

Psycho

Another old classic! Woo! Have not watched, but really, I feel like that’s almost a crime by now. I HAVE to watch it. Soon, I’m planning to. Sadly, It’s old, and I grew up with the internet, so I’ve been spoiled oh so dreadfully, and knows all the bloody details and plottwists of this oldie but goldie. But I still want to watch it! It must be a classic for a reason - right? Also, I’ve never seen the full version of the famous shower scene, and that’s just embarrassing. Shame on me.

Official synopsis:

A Phoenix secretary embezzles $40,000 from her employer's client, goes on the run, and checks into a remote motel run by a young man under the domination of his mother.

//Warning: It’s a horror classic! It’s gotta be scary. Then again, it DID come out in 1960. Be careful about this one! Sorry, I have no idea, have never watched it.

Hannibal (the TV series)

It’s gross, it’s scary, it’s aesthetic, there is a danish elegant man eating people in snowy Baltimore, and you really shouldn’t pay him to be your psychiatrist. Hannibal! I first watched this as a young, edgy teenager, and all the blood and gore didn't get to me at all - I just enjoyed the cat-and-mouse game between Will Graham, our main character, very mentally unstable, and a dog-lover, and Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a renowned psychiatrist, elegant, high-society - and also, he talks like a mixture of the bible and an old greek sonet. What I'm trying to get at is that this show is weird. Good weird. But also, now no longer an edgy teenager myself, it’s really gross. A man’s leg is cut off and served to himself. That’s gross. I didn’t like that, and I definitely covered my eyes. Other than that, it’s a very vivid show, with great focus on presentation and symbolism. I would love for someone to analyse each episode, because there's so much attention to detail. It’s honestly impressive. And after having watched many, many shows about crime and murders, I must say, this show has THE most buckwild, creative, never seen before ways of killing people. How the hell do you come up with a murderer using people’s different skin colors to make a mural? I don’t know. It’s disgusting, but man is it different. I’m halfway through season two, and there is a lot to unpack! Also, have to mention, very homoerotic - that’s a plus. Don’t think I could’ve stomached all the blood, otherwise. I hate blood, and wow is there blood in this show.

Official synopsis:

Explores the early relationship between renowned psychiatrist, Hannibal Lecter, and his patient, a young FBI criminal profiler, who is haunted by his ability to empathize with serial killers.

//Warning: Yeah. You read how many times I wrote ‘gross’. Just trust me on this one, it’s gross. It’s good, but maybe don’t watch it. You don’t need to introduce your brain to this.

The Haunting of Bly Manor

Ooh boy. Ooooh boy. This series is very good. VERY good. I’m watching it with my mom right now, I think we’re at episode 7, and wow are we hooked. It’s spooky, it’s haunting, it’s thrilling, it’s mysterious, and wow is it scary. We both agreed to go together, the first night we watched this, and our dog had to be taken out on his night-walk. She didn’t want to go alone, and i didn’t want to stay back at the house, alone. So we went together, and I was so freaked out that I nearly peed my pants, when some kids screamed in our neighborhood. It’s so very much what I want a ghost-story to be, but it’s also a lot more, and much greater for it. I love all the characters, they’re all so well-rounded, and most of them are good. The big manor is spooky, and the woods surrounding it are foggy and dark, and yes, this is really a great series for autumn and halloween. It’s the second series made by Mike Flanagan. There are some similarities between the two shows, and surprisingly, some of the same actors! I think that’s very interesting, and it also made me very confused, as I watched the first episodes of the Haunting of Bly Manor, and could not, for the life of me, figure out where the hell I had seen these people before. It made it even more eerie in a way, and I appreciate that. I love this show, and I think I’ll be very sad when we’re through with it. I guess the natural thing to do, will be to follow up with Flanagan’s previous horror series, The Haunting of Hill House! Also, there’s lesbians in this one. Very nice. I appreciate that. Also, surprisingly - I love the children! They’re so cool and brave, and it would be very nice if especially Flora could go with me, the next time I’m going to a haunted house. Such a badass.

Official synopsis:

After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose.

Warning: It’s spooky. It’s the perfect halloween series, so of course it’s very spooky! This gif I chose is spooky, and I promise the show itself is worse. But if you can handle dead people creepily staring in the background, and maybe has someone to watch it with, I think you’ll be fine!

Alright! We made it! Another spooky, aesthetic, autumny list, for us to enjoy this crispy season! Woohoo! Also, I’m sorry if there’s any spelling mistakes or whatelse, I hope you enjoyed reading anyway! Thank you! Now go drink some tea and relax, you’ve earned it. I recently tried chili-tea, and damn, that’s another recommendation from me! It was amazing!

Hope you have a great Halloween, it’s close now. Watch out for the cold weather, remember to bundle up, and don’t let the impending darkness get you down. Light some candles! And also, watch some of these spooky tv-series and movies with your family and friends! And have a great fall! <3

Love, Julie

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nobody-knose--archive · 4 years ago

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i’ve been aching to commentate spirit phone’s commentary for ages. glad i finally got around to it, this was an ejoyable experience. liveblog below the cut

-i'm like half certain i've heard this commentary before. maybe not the whole way through & it was probably actual years ago

-nice hearing stuff like this. in-depth personal view of the album-making process. makes it seem like more of a real thing i could do myself someday

-neil cicierega real person momence

-i could probably go real in depth about neil cicierega/tally hall parallels specifically concerning like. the arc of their musical careers. but i won't, here

-wild how i legitimately don't care much about micheal jackson

-didnt we get a bunch of spirit phone stems from the needlejuice release/his patreon? we could probably hear the funny track he speaks of here in that

-i love hearing musical artists, especially neil cicierega, talking about the meanings of their songs. like, not only has this song been claimed to hell & back by the tumblr gays, but with later ones i just can't see where he gets these ideas from. also, claiming there's any one meaning or plot to a song just seems silly to me

-shoutout to neil reusing a midi from like, 1998, that he made at 12 years old, whose entire melody was reused for the main verses of everybody loves raymond. loved finding that out on my own 2 years ago. now it's common trivia in this fandom. not bad times

-it'd be neat if neil did individual trans tracks here like he did with view monstel, those things are half of why i consider it my favorite album

-it's a lot easier to ignore the creator's intended meaning behind a song when he can't even remember it. thanks neil

-seesaw effect

-and there's my joke all but 1 of my followers wont get. moving on

-what kinds of movie theater lobbies has neil been to where there are arcade machines. i mean im not one to talk but that does sound rather strange

-why do songs' titles even need to be taken from the lyrics. ive never seen that as any sort of requisite. it's like titling any form of prose you can just give it whatever name ya like

-"this part sounds pretty cool right"

-is neil's vocal range only mildly better than mine? with training i could change that

-oh i haven't processed any of the last 25 seconds hold on

-god. a shit ton of vocal modification in this song. it's like neil returned to his roots but with quality this time

-i, as an ace/aro, have never related more to an allohet guy in my life. what is the point of eyes!

-professional humming/whistling takes skill. it's different from the recreational or casual stuff. i'd know

-there's a name for the way sound (especially music) gets distorted when moving past you and i can't remember it but it's probably what neil's referring to here in the way he recorded the intro

(- update: it's the doppler effect no need to tell me cas already did)

-as someone who hasnt seen the rugrats or take me there by blackstreet i'll just say it sounded like a bouncy music box melody. nice to hear a song that messes with the typical scales though. lydian & diatonic.

-that's a rather specific thing to be glad about, but given what he talked about in his last full audio commentary about the jew harp i suppose i'm not surprised

-i know that tmbg song now. listened to it & saw the music video too. yep they're different alright

-where the hell does neil get all these instrumence from anyway

-huh. hadnt heard this part of the commentary before making my oc concerning this song but i like to hear neil's approval concerning part of my interpretation

-i love how ive heard a billion different tellings of this mellified man story from lem dem fans talking about this song and neil's is by far the wildest

-good god that does only make it worse neil

-i love making liveblogs of lemon demon albums. with the fullerenes or tally hall i cant name a specific dude to take out my woes on generally but with lemon demon i can just say neil all the time. i like being on a casual first name basis with this dude ive never interacted with once ever

-is sweet bod the one other than cabinet man with a demo in the bonus tracks? i forget

-holy shit the boston molasses disaster someone call up soapy if it doesnt already know, it'd love this

-two thousand nine. god i miss the fiddle solo. the ver with it is truly the best one

-he pronounces it jeff? i've always read it as gef with a hard g. that's what i get for knowing words that are never spoken aloud

-that's a fun meta interpretation of this ghost story that's over a century old. i like that

-i've noticed neil generally does the same synths across a whole album. it's especially more clear in the earlier ones, and does mean i occasionally mix up songs between clown circus & live from the haunted candle shop

-ah! ancient aliens! my least favorite track on this album. i cant even claim to have the least interest in a popular one i've just generally not liked this one much from the beginning. so im curious to see what neil's got to say, i think ive been in ~new commentary zone for a while now

-anyway. newest update on the loolin not realizing a song's funky time signature front: i think this one's in 6/4. or at least switches a lot between time signatures. granted i dont listen to it very often for the reasons stated above

-see the way neil describes it. eldritch horror upon being visited by the unknown at a time when humanity'd hadn't even yet had a chance to imagine such a thing occurring. should be right up my alley. but the sound itself & many of the lyrics simply turn me away.

-must i specify i don't dislike it? spirit phone is neil's best album it not being my favorite doesn't mean i think it's bad yadda yadda nobody should be surprised by this it's not like anyone in these fandoms reads my liveblogs <3

-granted i think this is. the first bit of spirit phone content i've made on my blog ever. so who knows things can change <3

-the transitions in spirit phone are much less view-monster transition tracks & more extended outros. view-monster's were a bit more intro than outro sure but they also seemed directed upon making a 2-way rather than 1-way bridge between tracks. or something like that

-.............soft fuzzy man is an incredible nickname for a cat. i'd steal that if i werent afraid of introducing my relatives to lemon demon

-jirls

-an underlying metaphor is good enough. the literal side of the lyrics are fun. nothing but agreement here neil my good man

-the transition into as your father i expressly forbid it from soft fuzzy man is the best one in this album

-buddy you ask if a musical idea has been used before odds are the answer is yes in this day & age the question is has it been used in the way you're using it. like sure this soul jazz record from the 60s that was sold out in kansas stores for a week used this bassline that youve found yourself copying. but seeing as youre using it in some angsty garage rock ballad type tune does anybody actually care

-doesn't everybody like to say things in an unhinged manner from time to time

-imagine having a guitar dad, i say, with my dad being a folk accordion/fiddle dad, which is infinitely worse in every way

-i think he was in an actual folk band at some point. idk the 90s were weird

-iron my life?

-m-more intimate? there are a lot of ways i'd describe this song but intimate isn't one of them. granted as your father is negatively intimate so from there i guess you've got nowhere to go but up

-...still glad to see his interpretation kinda supports my oc at least

-the way he says characters in songs shouldn't worry about death really strongly makes me think this is some sort of. thematic continuation of stuck from dinosaurchestra, even if there's no real death in there. interesting. would also mean that the dad from these past 2 songs is named carlos betty (no last name)

-i literally never assumed this was a flute solo. piccolo at best. it's pretty clearly a recorder

-my mom plays the recorder. i wonder if she can play recorder better than neil cicierega

-we can throw a party in honor of the crushing weight of responsibility! i simply won't be the one throwing it because i have enough on my plate already <3

-what the hell does "a sense of intent" mean

-i've never heard rush before however i disagree with neil's understanding of 6/4. 6/4 is meant to have emphasis (onbeat or another term i can't remember) on the 1st & 4th beat of every measure, which is greatly different from a measure of 4/4 then a measure of 2/4. it's why his 5/4 always sounds weird, because while it's recognizable in sequences of 10/4, it's more 2 measures of 4/4 with one of 2/4 tacked on the end. that's also how it's different from 3/4. i don't know much music theory but what i do understand i will fight to the death about

-"canonized" that's. a very interesting term to use when referring to a former president

-from now on i will interpret every love song directed at some unseen "you" to be inviting me to marry them for tax purposes. thanks neil for being an aromantic icon

-ah hell yes hell yes man-made object is my favorite goddam song on this album

-short & sweet & good damn vibes. neil's thoughts on it all are only making it better

-wild how he uses very few vocal effects for a song that he clearly is straining his vocal range for. go off neil

-the qualifier of man-made is a wonderful thing. oldest or biggest thing? oldest or biggest man-made thing? what a incredibly important specification. a world of possibilities lie between the two. oh i love it

-just gets me thinking yknow! what we consider weird/impressive in another species, in our own species- what kind of equivalent to that would there be from an outsider looking in? are there alien versions of the significances we place upon things, that we could never imagine? the limits of the human imagination mean we could never conceive of something else in the world that isn't, in some way great or small, just like us- and are we wrong for thinking that? such a juicy topic i wish there were a name for it because it's kinda hard to explain concisely

-spiral of ants. my second favorite song from this album, in fact. a good one to experience

-the vocals are just another instrument. they really truly are. i wasn't going into this commentary expecting to feel solidarity for neil cicierega in this chili's tonight on more than one occasion but here i am.

-like, his whole stance on interpreting songs is something i agree with almost entirely. you can take it at face value, you can dig to their very depths, you can listen to songs without caring what the lyrics mean whatsoever, and those are all fun. & yeah while any of these people can be annoying as one of the types who enjoys gliding on the surface more than anything i find those who dedicate themselves to figuring out the whole meaning of a song over anything else to be both slightly scary & slightly annoying <3 keep up the good work

-i want to make songs for my siblings the way neil makes songs for his sibling(s)

-spinch

-neil really shouldn't be allowed to be this funny like this whole album youre thinking golly! he's just a normal man this neil cicierega! and then he starts listing the cat hacks jokes & you remember he's had ridiculously consistent viral success with all his humorous endeavors and holy shit it's neil cicierega in action talking about his music. god bless you neil

-you're welcome, no problem, my pleasure. good eveternoon, radio audience!

#lemon demon #spirit phone #pretty sure this is my first bit of spirit phone content on my blog. hi greater lem dem fandom nice to see y'all. go listen to deporitaz #loolin liveblogs #i enjoyed this less for the content the commentary contained & more for the way i handled it. more pleasant than some times ive had #tis i #i havent listened to spirit phone in general in ages. i know why. so this was nice #to the world and back again

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canyouhearthelight · 4 years ago

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The Miys, Ch. 106

I know I’ve been on a fluff kick lately, and I’m not even remotely sorry. This chapter started out as an excuse to re-visit an offhand comment from a previous chapter, and ended up with Sophia having the kind of night off I wish I could have.

Thanks go out to @baelpenrose (beta and also creator of our favorite teacher-cum-warlord-cum-teacher), @charlylimph-blog (because no one else could have created the ball of chaotic friendliness that is Charly, nor her strong, silent, and charming partner), @werewolf2578 (because I will never not love Maverick), and @creakingcryptid (for donating faerself and Antoine early on to the cause, and putting up with me in real life. This entire story, from chapter 1, would never have happened if not for faer, and I’m not even remotely exaggerating about that).

“Lift the right corner a bit more,” Tyche called out. “Yeah - Dammit, Arthur, that’s too high. Bring it down a bit more.”

“Do you want to swap?” he quipped, dropping his side of the large, white sheet to exactly where it had been before.

Ignoring him, Tyche asked Maverick to lower his corner instead, to much greater success. At least satisfied with the results, she turned to me and made a ‘ta-da’ gesture towards their work.

I shook my head at her. “And we need this why?”

“Movie night,” she reminded me needlessly.

“Eyeah. It was kind of my idea.”

“And none of us have been to a proper movie theater in ages.” She had a point there.

“Do we even have a projector?” Maverick asked, grinning, as he walked up.

Arthur, right behind him, grinned almost malevolently before Tyche cut him off with a glare. “I told Charly we were doing a movie night,” she offered by way of explanation.

“She insisted she had popcorn covered,” Arthur ventured carefully. “Do I even want to know?”

Eyes wide, I turned to him. “She didn’t tell you?”

He shook his head. “I asked what that meant, and all I got out of her was a maniacal laugh. By any chance, does she always carry around a cartoon-villain moustache in case she needs to twirl it?”

“And cat ears, yeah,” I confirmed absently. “She really didn’t tell you?”

“I just asked if she got the consoles to actually make popcorn that wasn’t better used as packing material,” he admitted.

Maverick erupted in laughter. “You are in for a treat.”

“Will it poison me?”

“Doubtful,” Tyche shrugged regretfully.

“Hmm. Pity.”

Trying to get somewhat back on topic, I pressed on about the projector. “So, you told Charly we were doing movie night this week, so she is going to… obtain? Steal? Jury-rig a projector?”

“I try not to ask, unlike some people,” Tyche arched an eyebrow defiantly. “Gift horses, mouths, you get it.”

“I doubt she’s stealing one,” Maverick offered. “She’s an engineer. Pretty sure she already had one she made, or is finishing one up as we speak.”

Fair. “What movie did we end up agreeing on?”

Maverick and Arthur answered in unison. “Star Wars.”

“Nuh uh. Nope,” my sister argued. “Repo! The Genetic Opera.”

“I’m with her,” I jerked my finger toward the person not insisting I watch a movie about a war in space while actually on a spaceship.

We continued arguing good-naturedly while getting non-popcorn snacks and drinks together. Arthur, to no small amount of surprise, was putting a very impressive amount of thought and consideration into the arrangement of blankets and pillows on every conceivable seating surface in my living room - some of which I didn’t even recognize and probably didn’t want to know where he got them. At some point, Derek and Sam arrived, judging by the latter sitting happily next to a moving lump in Arthur’s careful construction and petting my cat.

About the time snacks were ready to be carried into the living room, the door opened to reveal Conor, who abruptly stopped to remove his work boots. Unfortunately, he was knocked down by a clattering intruder behind him and saved only by the - no joke - knee deep ocean of bedding. A hinged brass lid and a metal piece of something went flying past his head, revealing the intruder to be Charly. “Hi, guys!” she waved cheerfully. “Don’t worry. Coffey has the projector.”

White teeth flashed in a dark, handsome face as the man in question held up the device. “Her hands were full,” he shrugged before glancing past Conor. “You take movie nights seriously,” he added with an approving nod.

Charly, who I couldn’t remember having even seen wear shoes, had already scrambled over Conor’s laughing form so that she could grab the lid and basket, which she brought along with the enormous pot into my kitchen area. “Popcorn,” she declared, gently slamming the pot on a heating surface. “As promised. I’m thinking green today.”

“That’s not popcorn,” Arthur pointed out, curiosity etched into every bit of his face.

“Duh, Mr. Farro,” she sputtered. “It’s how we’re going to get popcorn. The consoles never season it, and it’s always stale, or soggy, or just… not good. So. I made a whirlypop.” With a clatter, she patted her copper contraption. “It makes absolutely perfect kettle corn, every time. And I can make it whatever color I want, too.”

“It’s really good popcorn,” I confirmed. “She brought some to your fight with Jokul.”

“Of course she did,” he sighed. “I thought you said no selling tickets and no concession stand for that?”

“Doesn’t mean she can’t bring her own, screaming blue popcorn with her,” I held up both hands in surrender. “I couldn’t argue with the logic, and she was the only person there with popcorn, can confirm.”

When I glanced back at her, I saw what I pretty much expected to see: her handy cartoon-villain moustache was pasted firmly on her face and she was twirling one end in what could only be described as a dastardly fashion. Arthur, on the other hand, was almost sputtering. “I - how? I was facing you, Charly. How?”

“Don’t ask, you probably don’t want to know,” I sighed with a wave of my hand. “Besides, I’m reasonably certain the answer involves a collective hallucination, blood sacrifice, or time travel.”

“Two out of three,” Charly nodded, sounding impressed but not clarifying any further. “So! Everyone ready for- oo! Mini pizzas! - popcorn and Master and Commander?” A collective groan went up at a third movie being added to our ongoing argument over what we had agreed to watch. “What!? It’s my favorite!”

Maverick explained the conversation we had earlier to those who arrived after. Even having nine people voting now didn’t help: we were still split evenly across all three movies. In the end, we agreed to take a run at watching all three, but that led to another discussion - what order? We knew the odds of getting through all three were slim, and nobody wanted theirs to be left out.

Sam finally interrupted us. “If we don’t stay awake through all three, can we watch the last movie on another night?”

My jaw clicked shut mid-argument. Tyche tilted her head, “That makes entirely too much sense.”

With that anticlimactic resolution, we quickly took votes to determine which movies were most popular. In the end, we ended up with Star Wars first, Master and Commander second, and Repo! last, much to my and Tyche’s chagrin. At least we weren’t the only ones who voted for it, so I was mollified. Somewhat.

While we were hashing all that out, Charly somehow called upon the popcorn deities and managed to fill nearly every bowl and bucket she could find in my quarters with a rainbow of fluffy kernels. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t figure how she managed to make that much in roughly fifteen minutes, and when I asked, the only answer I could manage to get from her was “Two out of three, like I said.”

I wasn’t asking after that, because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know if blood magic was involved, honestly.

Antoine arrived right as I was trying to figure out how to fit on the couch, where Maverick and Conor were cuddling and hogging the whole damned thing. Unfortunately, between the immense quantities of popcorn, blankets, pillows, and people strewn everywhere - and somehow my Christmas lights were carefully hanging from the ceiling, which I had a sneaking suspicion was Derek’s doing - our poor resident therapist looked a bit confused.

I couldn’t help but grin as I waved at the chaos. “Welcome to movie night, apparently. You can sit anywhere except there,” I explained, gesturing at a particular pile of blankets.

“Why not - ah….” he trailed off in understanding as a hand darted out of the ‘pile’ to snag a mini pizza.

“Eyeah, only Mac can sit there, I think. And nobody better be feeding him pizza?” I warned. “Whoever does gets to keep stinky cat for the night while he has tummy trouble.” Turning back toward the couch, I stuck my lip out in a pout. “Where am I supposed to sit?”

“We’re comfy….” Conor whined, hiding what was probably a grin behind Maverick’s head. Rather than sitting up in any capacity, the two were laying down along the entire length of the couch, both their feet sticking off. There was maybe two inches of couch between them and the edge.

While my attention was focused on my boyfriends, two strong hands grabbed each of my arms and tugged me down. With a yelp, I fell across Charly and my sister, both of them giggling. Deliberately, Charly started to pet my hair as clumsily as humanly possible, and the scowl I directed at her set Tyche off in hysterics. When I opened my mouth to protest, popcorn was thrown in. With another scowl, I surrendered to being draped across both of their laps, with a fluffy blanket spread over me from somewhere.

I still sulked, and ignored that I probably looked like a particularly perturbed cat. With much determination, I managed to keep a scowl on my face until the first movie started rolling. It was hard to stay even faux-upset after that, as what ensued was the most laid back night I had enjoyed in longer than I could remember. Seats were stolen every time someone got up for any reason, snacks were eaten and refilled, popcorn got everywhere….

It. Was. Glorious.

<< Prev Masterlist Next >>

#the miys #science fiction #humans are weird #found family #found family tropes #humans are space orcs #fiction #original fiction #earth is space australia #hfy #humans are space fae #humans baffle aliens #humans are crazy #movies #cuddles #popcorn

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blackmissfrizzle · 5 years ago

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Knives Out, Thighs Out

A/N: hi love!! so obsessed with your blog but i wanted to give a little suggestion for that beautiful dress you posted about wanting to use in a fic if thats okay :)) maybe a chris x reader at some red carpet event and she wheres that dress and its drives him a lil crazy ;) orrrrr bucky x reader and they attend one of tony’s parties in that dress haha. anyway, ily 💞

A/N: @gloryevans Thanks for the suggestion! I hope you enjoy!

A/N: Also here’s the dress inspiration for this fic.

Damn, you were out of shape. You thought you could outrun Chris, since he didn’t have to keep up with the extreme workouts for Captain America, but you were wrong. The only advantage that you had was, Chris going easy on you and not actually trying to catch you.

“Awww, babe you’re really not gonna let me see,” Chris asked, clearly amused at how hard you were breathing.

Catching your breath, you stood up straight. “Firstly, fuck off, Evans. And secondly, hell no you can’t see it!”

Chris rounded around the couch and pulled you into his embrace. While his hands were massaging your ass, his lips were teasing your skin as he left feather light kisses on your neck. “Pretty please,” he asked between kisses, dropping his voice an octave lower, knowing what that does to you.

Reluctantly, you pulled away from him and swatted at his hands. “Nuh uh. You can’t seduce me into showing you my dress.”

Tomorrow would be the first time you and Chris would be out in public as a couple. You knew you had to be on you’re a-game, because his fans and the media could be vicious. So, you bought the most beautiful dress, but you didn’t want Chris to see until the premiere.

“It’s not fair. You already know what I’m wearing,” Chris whined.

Shrugging your shoulders, you gave Chris a kiss on the cheek and left the room. He would just have to keep wondering, even if it killed him.

—

Chris left a little earlier than you, due to the fact that you needed the extra rest and time to get ready, but you promised him you meet him before he got on the carpet.

When your limo pulled up, you spotted Chris and instantly lost your breath. He filled out his white suit well and all you wanted to do was strip him out of it.

“Ms. Y/L/N, are you ready,” the driver asked, prompting you out of your nasty daydream. Without saying a word, you shook your head yes and the driver came around to open the door for you.

The first thing Chris saw was your thigh and he thought about how he would love to be in between them. But when he finally got to see you in your entirety, he knew he wouldn’t be able to make it through the night without getting in between your legs at least once.

The gown you wore accented your curves and complimented your skin perfectly, giving you a summertime goddess vibe. You accidently stumbled upon the coral and lavender beauty and fell in love instantly, but you were disappointed that the dress didn’t come in your size. Out of desperation, you contacted the designer and they gladly altered the dress to your size.

Once Chris snapped out of it, he walked to the car to help you out of the car. Even with your heels on, you were shorter than Chris and had to look up at him. “Hey daddy,” you whispered into his before kissing him.

In return Chris growled in your ear and gripped your hip tighter to the point you knew you going to have a bruise. Between pictures for the media, you whispered to Chris, “Behave. There’s cameras everywhere.”

Finally remembering where he was, Chris turned his attention from you to the cameras and smiled. When Chris decided that the press had enough pictures, he walked you two off the carpet.

“Time and opportunity,” Chris whispered in your ear, guiding you to the theater.

“Excuse me,” you asked, staring up at him as his darkened blue gaze while peering down at you.

Gripping you even tighter than before, Chris said, “Time and opportunity are the only things keeping me from bending you over, bouncing on my dick, and screaming my name.”

Checking your surroundings, you noticed you and Chris had a modicum of privacy, so you guided Chris’ hands to your unclothed core. “Lucky for you I’m not wearing any panties.”

Chris’ nostrils flared and he took the fingers that were dripping from your wetness and put them in his mouth. The moan he let out was sinful and you were ready to risk it all. Thankfully, his agent came and got him for the panel before the movie began, because the look he shared with you, told you he was about to abandon all his responsibilities and give you those kids he’s been talking about.

Letting his agent pull him away, he mouthed, ‘time and opportunity’ to you.

The movie was a hilarious good time and Chris was phenomenal in his role. It was weird to see him play a jackass, but he did wonderful, nonetheless. Now you were mingling with others at the after party, while Chris was being pulled into different conversations. You didn’t mind being alone, you enjoyed seeing Chris getting all the recognition.

Anyway, you didn’t stay alone for too long. Lakeith kept you entertained, knowing you weren’t familiar with all the industry people, and he also wanted to talk shit about the crazy ass white people at the party.

As Chris maneuvered around the party, he noticed that you were spending too much time with Lakeith. Normally, Chris wasn’t a jealous or possessive man, but for another man to be getting your attention in that dress for an extended amount of time wasn’t gonna fly with him. He excused himself from the conversation he was having with some producers about a future project and walked to the bar, where you were at and at that moment, he decided it was time and opportunity.

“Chris, my man, how’s it going?” Lakeith greeted him, clapping his hand and pulling him into a one arm hug.

“Good, just a little tired of this unnecessary mingling. You know how it is. Anyway, I gotta steal my date away from you. My publicist wants pictures of the happy couple.”

Lakeith gave Chris a sympathetic smile, knowing how annoying publicists could be. You gave Lakeith your goodbye as Chris pulled you along, you barely keeping up. Chris gently shoved you into the restroom, not saying a word while he checked all the stalls.

“Baby, what are you doing?”

Just as you finished your question, Chris finished checking the last stall. He strode towards you, unbuckling his pants. “Time and opportunity,” he said before he kissed you.

Once he ended that soul-snatching kiss, Chris ordered you to turn around and put your hands on the wall. “You think you could just entice me with this dress and flirt with another man and there’ll be no consequences?”

Turning your head, you looked at Chris with big, innocent doe-eyes. “What do you mean?” You knew exactly what Chris meant and enjoyed every minute baiting him. When Lakeith started talking to you, you got the diabolic idea to be a little bit too touchy-feely with him whenever you had Chris within your line of sight.

“You really gonna play stupid, huh?” Chris gritted through his teeth as he tugged on your hair. “That’s why I’m gonna fuck you in this restroom like the dirty little slut that you are.”

You didn’t know it was possible, but Chris’ words made you even wetter causing you to poke your ass out even more. Chris bunch up your dress just enough to grant him access to his favorite place in the world.

Without warning he slammed into you, making you cum already. With just a few pumps, you tried pushing Chris away, but he slapped your hand away, “Don’t deny me my pussy.”

Knowing you two didn’t have long, Chris planned his last few strokes to get him over the edge. The roar he let out when he came, overtook your senses that you didn’t notice the tiny, velvet black box that fell from his pocket.

Chris leaned his forehead against the back of your head while the both of you were catching your breath. Thanks to your head leaning down, your eyes caught sight of the black box. You kneeled down to pick it up, “What’s this,” you questioned more to yourself than to Chris.

When Chris finally saw what was in your hand, he tried to knock it out your hand, but you were out of reach when you opened it. The box revealed your dream engagement ring and you started putting the pieces together.

Your boyfriend was looking flustered as you waited for him to ask the question you’ve been dying to hear.

“No! No way, Y/N!” Chris yelled when he saw the expectant look on your face.

“Aww, babe why not? We’re both dressed to the nine’s and the ring’s already out. The only thing missing is you on one knee.”

Chris was completely mortified at your suggestion, but at the same time at least he knew what your answer would be. “I’m not proposing to you in a got damned men’s restroom, while my cum is running down your thigh.”

You looked down and in fact, Chris’s cum was making it way down your leg. Before you could reach for a napkin, Chris was already bending down and cleaning up his mess. After, he finished he snatched the box from your hand, put it in his pocket, and have you a quick kiss.

He poked his head out the restroom door and gave you the clear to come out. Holding his hand out as a signal for you to grab it, you obeyed and walked hand in hand with your man.

“Promise you’ll ask soon,” you asked, right before you two entered the party.

“Promise.” Chris claimed, knowing that by tomorrow morning you would be rocking a new piece of jewelry.

Tags: @chaneajoyyy @marvelmaree @gloryevans @pastelastronomy24 @ladydragonpurplefire @blackreaders-assemble @toniilaney @yoyolovesbucky @dumbchick @twistedcharismaaa @soufcakmistress

I need to make a proper taglist! Sorry if I forgot anyone!

#black!reader #chris evans #chris x black!reader #chris x reader #chris evans x black!reader #knives out

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smokeybrandreviews · 3 years ago

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Smokey brand Select: Deck the Halls

I don’t know if you can tell by my blog, but i f*cking love Christmas. It’s my absolute favorite holiday of the year. I love t more than Thanksgiving, more than Halloween, even more than my f*cking birthday and that’s a lot because I'm kind of a f*cking narcissist. I love the festivities, the decorations, the music, the objective purity of the whole season. Christmas time is the one time of year that people decide collectively to suck less. Recently, with all of the stupid conservative boycotts and soapbox rants, that less is a little less than usually but still, it’s hard not to love the Christmas season. It’s so inspirational and has inspired some fantastic films. Here's a list of some of my favorites. A lot of these, the majority of them, probably aren’t “traditional” Christmas fare but i assure you that they are, indeed, Christmas films. To say otherwise would just be disrespectful.

10. Edward Scissorhands

Tim Burton is going to be all over this list, man. Edward Scissorhands came out during a time i was incredibly infatuated with the striking visuals of Burton. I’m an Eighties kid and he kind of had his coming out party during that decade. Almost all of those films he released back then are favorites of mine. I remember seeing Scissorhands as a young kid and being absolutely mesmerized by it’s beauty. As an adult, i appreciated the underlying messaging just as much.

9. A Christmas Story

You’ll shoot your eye out! I used to hate this movie, man. It was a staple in during my elementary school Christmas parties. I never paid attention to it because, as a kid, i hated anything that wasn’t a cartoon. One day i was sick at home and caught it offseason TNT. This thing played, like, every day for some reason. I heard it was a favorite of Ted Turner but that’s just rumor. Anyway, i watched it and completely fell in love with this earnest, absurd, flick. It’s a really good watch and deserves it’s title as a classic.

8. Home Alone

Home Alone was the very first Christmas flick i remembered actually loving for being a Christmas flick. Like, when the season starts and Mariah Carey hits the airwaves, Home Alone is what i thing about. It’s the very first film that i unequivocally associate with Santa season. It’s funny because it’s not that great a film but i still love it dearly. I think that’s more because of nostalgia, though. There are fr superior films in the honorable mentions which probably deserve this spot more but Home Alone makes me genuinely smile.

7. Die Hard

I mean, how can i not put this on the list? It’s a classic. One of the best action films ever made. One of the best performances Bruce Willis has ever given. Plus, it introduces the late, great, Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber. Now, my favorite of the lot is With a Vengeance but Die Hard would be nothing without this holly jolly first entry.

6. Scrooged

One of my favorite Christmas narratives is A Christmas Carol. Dickens was a prolific writer and, among his works, the story of Ebeneezer Scrooge’s crisis of conscious is my favorite. I almost always love it when ever it makes it to screen but, for my money, the best version of this story took the form of the Eighties classic, Scrooged. It’s so Eighties in all of the ways. I love the overall narrative, the changes made t fit it into a then modern setting, and those incredible practical effects. It’s a feast for the senses while hitting all the necessary Dickens notes. Also, this version of the Ghost of Christmas Future is a whole ass nightmare. Like, f*ck, dude!

5. Trading Places

I love this movie so much, just on it’s own merits as a film. It’s so good. Eddie Murphy is excellent in this film and Dan Akroyd is just as brilliant. Jamie Lee Curtis was incredibly hilarious, too. This was the second thing i had ever seen her in, after Halloween so, you know, going from that to this really caught my attention. Trading Places is a classic and should be seen by everyone.

4. Gremlins

Gremlins is just generally one of my favorite films. I love this f*cked up movie, man. It’s SO good and this version is the tone down one. The original vision for this movie was just an R rated murder fest. I mean, the one we got wasn’t a joke wither It’s the reason we have the PG-3 rating. SH*t is just that violent Now, juxtapose all of this little green monstrosity anarchy against a dreamy white Christmas and you have all the makings of worming your way into my heart. Honestly, i prefer the gremlin shenanigans from the sequel, Mohawk is my favorite, but Stripe definitely left an impression.

3. The Long Kiss Goodnight

I had a massive crush on Geena Davis when was young. Can’t tell you why, but i was absolutely infatuated with the chick after i saw her in The Fly remake. I followed her career afterwards. She dropped several gems along the way, Beetlejuice, Thelma and Louise, Earth Girls are Easy, A League of their Own, but my absolute favorite film of hers is definitely The Long Kiss Goodnight. This thing is peak Nineties action excess. Shane Black in his prime. Die Hard III but John McCLane is a hot ass amazon woman who can beat you to death with her mitts. It even has Sam Jackson as a smart-mouthed side kick! I love it!

2c. A Charlie Brown Christmas

I adore Charlie Brown. If Spider-Man, Godzilla, and Transformers are the foundations of my childhood, Snoopy is foundation adjacent. My Paternal grandma had all of the Peanuts films and i would watch them on repeat when we were forced to go over there. I say forced because she was kind of terrible and none of us really wanted to visit her ever but, when we did, and she wasn’t trying to exploit our labor or feed us rotten food, we did get to watch dope classic sh*t. She owned every Disney movie from the Renaissance and every Peanuts special on VHS. I hated visiting that woman but i loved those Charlie Brown adventures so kind of bittersweet memories.

2b. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

This one is associated with my other grandma, the one i actually liked. We used to sit down every year and watch this one together while sipping egg nog. Man, it’s hard for me to type this out. It breaks my heart remembering those times so I'm going to stop. I just really love How The Grinch Stole Christmas. It’s very, very, special to me.

2a. The Nutcracker

The Nutcracker is in the same situation as How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I have a lot of love for this thing, in ll forms, but the one i remember so vividly is the opera they used to show every season. My grandma really loved opera and orchestral music. I miss her.

1b. Batman Returns

I told you Burton was going to be all over this thing. Bro, how can this thing not be on the top of this list? Batman Returns left a real impression, man. Michelle Pfiefer’s Catwoman did things to me that would have reverberating effects through the rest of my life! She is, more than any other reason, why i have an unhealthy infatuation for crazy chicks. Also Nancy Downs but The Craft isn’t a Christmas movie. Outside of the way that patent leather catsuit ruined me for normal relationships, Batman Returns is just a force of f*cking nature. It’s Pure Tim Burton and i adore that man’s eye. He is one of my favorite creators and Batman is one of my favorite heroes. How can this thing not make my list? Batman Returns couldn’t take the number two spot, mostly because it jockeys for position with Nightmare pretty actively. I love them both so much, it’s hard to give the number one spot to either of them so, you know, split the difference.

1a. The Nightmare Before Christmas

This is Halloween! I remember being so hype about this movie. Nine year old Smokey was super into this film and that love carries through to this day. Every time it airs, i catch it or, at least, i used to when i had television. I saw this thing day one in theaters, made my mom buy the VHS, it was one of the very first DVDs i ever purchased with my own money, and was the third Blue ray i got after picking up my PS3. The wild thing is, it’s not just me either. Nightmare has become a pinnacle of the cultural zeitgeist. This thing is all over the place. People get tattoos of Jack. Halloween Town even made it into a few Kingdom Hearts games and it wasn’t even a Disney movie at first! It was banished to the subsidiary of Touchstone when it first released because the Mouse House didn’t believe in it! Talk about a miscalculations.

Honorable Mentions: Tokyo Godfathers, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Bad Santa, Elf, Carol, Anna and the Apocalypse

#Smokey brand Select #Christmas movies #Christmas #Tis the season #Happy Holidays

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god-save-the-keen · 5 years ago

Text

Happy birthday, Tara

Book: Mother of the year

Pairing: Thomas Mendez x MC (Tara)

Summary: It's Tara's birthday and Thomas it's determined to make it special.

Warning: nsfw / sex / fluff

Words: 3673

Note: As always, English it's not my first language. Hope you likes enjoy it as I did writing it! It's not a second part, but continue the line of By her side I just love this two! Let me know if you want to be added in the tag list.

Tag list: @chetachisblog @annekebbphotography @princess-geek @malakbesharah @lilyofchoices @ao719 @marycarrillo21 @blackcatkita @kamybelen-blog @randomchoicesblog @cxld-play

Tara's birthdays never was a very important thing for her… When she was with Guy, he used to said it was just a regular day, that it was stupid spend a lot of money in things like a cake or expensive gifts, even when he made a huge meal with his friends every year. At that moment she didn't care, she thought she was happy with him. Thankfully, eventually, things ended with him and she discovered what real happiness was. After Rory's born, Tara didn't care about her birthday either, she was always busy, tired or broken, but she didn't mind, Rory was with her, she was her everything and they were happy in their little own world.

Her alarm began to blare and, without open her eyes, she turned it off. This year, even when everything was really, really good, she felt a little sad that Rory wasn't with her this time.

"Stay, enjoy your birthday." Thomas's sleepy voice said from beside her. He turned and hugged her from behind, kissing her nape. "Happy birthday, gorgeous". She could feel his smile on her neck while he kept kissing her there. She loved his lips on her back, neck, lips… Honestly, everywhere.

"I can't miss work, Thomas" she said smiling, feeling his hand in her belly, brining her near to his chest. "Don't be a bad influence on me". She giggled softly.

"Me? Never" Thomas said while his lips started kissing behind her ear softly. "I just think… Since it's your birthday… We could take the day off… And enjoy ourselves since the girls are gone" Every pause he made was accompanied with a kiss on each of her favorite places to be kissed. Rory and Luz were in a four days field trip with Eiko and the rest of their class at NASA, Houston. They had programmed lots of conferences, guide tours, workshops, meet and greet with some astronauts, etc. Needless to say how exciting Rory was. However, Tara felt a little insecure, she never was so many days separated from her and a such distance.

"You think we should call them? Just to be sure?" She said turning in his arms to face him. "Or maybe text Eiko! She can tell us if they are okay"

"Sweetie, you talked with Eiko last night and the girls send a selfie after that. They probably are just waking up too. They are okay." He said while caressed absently her back.

"I know... you right! I'm sorry" She kissed him on the lips. "I really should get up"

"Probably" He said leading her even closer to his chest while his mouth went to her neck, kissing there and biting a tiny part of skin. Tara closed her eyes with a smile on her face, sighing happily while her fingers touched Thomas's hair. "But again, you could always choose don't go and celebrate your birthday with me." He redirect his lips to her mouth, kissing her deeply.

"Fine, fine! You win!" She said laughing at his triumphant look. "Just let me text Sally to let her know, I hope I don't complicate the things in the shop... Are you gonna call to the study?" She said taking her phone and writing a text to Sally.

"No, I let them know yesterday." He said with a satisfied grin. God, she loved his smile.

"You, Mr. Mendez, are terrible" Tara giggled.

'Hey Sally! If it's not much problem, and I'm so sorry for the short notice, but since it's my birthday, can I take the day off? If you need me there, please let me know'

'Happy birthday Tara! Yesterday, Alma thought that maybe you take the day off so we are prepared for it. Enjoy your day and see you tomorrow!

"Done?" He asked, caressing her waist under her t-shirt.

"Done".

"Good" He rolled her so she could be on top of him. Tara laughed happily before looked him more serious, with adoration, stroking his cheek softly. Nine months had passed since the trial against Guy ended, and she still couldn't believe how everything went, Rory was with her, Guy out of their lives definitely and all thanks to this amazing man under her. She leane to kiss him, slowly, enjoying his lips against hers. They both deepened the kiss, mouths more demanding that before and his hands traveling to her hips.

"Oh my god!" She said hiding her head on his shoulder while Thomas laughed. Her stomach decide to demand food… in that moment... loudly.

"Okay gorgeous, let's make this right! First thing: breakfast. How about that place you like, the one with the rooftop?"

"Yes, please!" She kissed his cheek and got up. They change, Thomas in a simple jersey and black jeans and Tara in a short blue dress. Although everything was amazingly good between them, they decide not live together yet. However, they both had each other's home keys and some clothes of them and the girls in both places. At first they tried to hide their relationship from Luz and Rory, they didn't wanted to excite them in advance, just in case. The only problem was that they sucked hiding their happiness and the way they interacted each other every time they were together, so they had to come clean with them. The day before of her birthday, she went back to her apartment after work and invite him to stay with her.

She took her jacket and purse, he grabbed his car keys and they left the apartment holding hands. The coffee they went was a beautiful building with a huge sunny rooftop, Tara didn't know if was the sun, the fresh air up there or the flowers around her, but this was the most relaxing place for her in the whole city and she loved share it with Thomas. His eyes, more blue than normal thanks to the bright sun, were fixed on her.

"What?" She asked with her cheeks a little more pink and a sweet smile on her lips.

"Nothing, I like see you happy" They kissed sweetly while Tara's foot began to climb his leg slowly under the table and she felt how his cheeks turned hot. "Don't tease me Tara, you know the effect this have on me" He said without breaking the kiss.

"That's why it's so funny to do" she smiled.

"You know? That it's still one of my favorites memories of us" He said taking her hand. "Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of moments that I love, but that one was the first time I felt ready to start this with you… And I really wanted to kiss you in front of everyone."

"I'm glad". She said intertwining their fingers. "Cause I really wanted to kiss you too"

In that moment, the waitress came with a big breakfast for them: coffee, orange juice, a couple of beautifully decorated cupcakes, toasts, waffles and some fruits.

While they were eating, her phone rang and a video call from Eiko appears in the screen.

"It's Eiko" she said frowning, rushing to answered. When she did, and two huge smiles occupied the screen, she laughed at the sight of her daughter and Luz so happy. "Hi girls! Good morning! How's everything going?" She turned the phone so Thomas could see them too.

"Oh my god mom, this place it's incredible! Look look!!" Rory took the phone and spin it around, showing them computers, rocket's parts, some graphics and other stuff that she couldn't identified. She return the focus on Luz and her. "But we didn't call you for that, we wanted to wish you happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday, Tara! Hi dad!" Luz said smiling.

"Hi Lulu! Hi Rory! Are you behaving well, Luz?" He asked worried while Tara giggled.

"Yes, I am! Rory and Mrs. Matsunaga can tell you all about!" Luz said, proud.

"It's true! She only pushed August ones when he tried to get ahead of us in line!" Rory said, she looked something above the camera and then return her focus on them "Anyway, we have to go! Happy birthday mom! I love you! Bye Thomas!"

"Happy birthday again Tara, have a great day! Love you dad! Bye!"

"Bye girls! Enjoy and take care! Both of you! Love you!"

"Listen to everything Mrs. Matsunaga says! Have fun!"

Eiko's face appears in the screen.

"Hi guys! Happy birthday Tara! The girls are more than okay, so you both can be relaxed! I call if something happens but so far, everything it's perfect!" She said happily. "Anyway, I have to go, have an awesome day Tara, when I return, we will definitely celebrate with a drink." She winked and the call ends.

After finished the breakfast, they went to take a walk through a fair full of flowers, artisans, antiques, farmers, etc. Thomas sneaked his arm in Tara's shoulders and she hugged him by the waist. Luckily, the fair wasn't crowded and they could enjoy watching everything. Thomas buy her a ring she saw on one of the booth, a thin silver band with a beautiful piece of pyrite in the middle. She slipped in her finger, making it sparke in the light while he kissed the side of her head. She loved it and couldn't stop smiling at him.

Seeing Tara so happy, made Thomas's heart feel full of happiness and warm, she had suffered so much, moving there, dealing with PTA of the school, fighting against Guy, he just wanted to give her the world. Once the fair hadn't nothing more to offered, they started to walk through the car when she saw a poster in a movie theater that bring her attention.

"Casablanca! I love this movie, it's one of my favorites! Although I never have the chance to see it in theater" Thomas hugged her from behind, checking the time.

"The next function starts in 10 minutes, do you want to see it? After all, it's your day"

"You really want to? You sure?" While she leaned into his embrace.

"Of course, I like this movie!" He narrowed his eyes, and with a deeper, sensual voice said "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine"

She turned to him in his arms laughing softly, putting both of her hands in his chest and, batting her eyelashes, said "Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time" and he did it. Softly. Sweetly. Lovingly. They went inside, hand in hand, bought two tickets, sweet popcorn, Tara's favorite, and soda. The movie was great, in some part they chatted quietly and at the end, during the final kiss and goodbye, Thomas saw a few tears falling from her eyes. He didn't liked see her crying, not even for a movie… She already had cried too much. He took her hand in his, giving it a little squeeze and she puts her head in his shoulder with a soft sigh.

After the movie, they bought some supplies for dinner, he wanted to take her to some fancy restaurant and spoiled her, but she preferred something more relaxed.

"Do you mind if we go to my place? I need to check a few things" He said while they started to walk to his car.

"Of course not. Let's go" Tara said entering in the car.

Once they arrive, Tara put some music and went to the bedroom to leave her jacket, purse and shoes. When she returned, Thomas was cooking, humming a Joss Stone song that sounded on the background and she stood there, watching him, enjoying and loving the sight. She walked toward him, hugged from behind and singing along with Joss in his ear "Don't you know he is some kind of wonderful"

"Oh nice, you think I'm adorable and wonderful, huh?" That damn beautiful smile of him on his lips.

"Shut up and kiss me, dork" She said moving on front of him.

His mouth were in hers in an instant, one of his hands went to the small of her back while the other turned off the oven as she hugged him by the neck, deepening the kiss. He pushed her against the counter while his tongue started to move in her mouth and she pressed tight against him, wanting to feel every part of his body. Thomas's mouth started travel to her neck, kissing and sucking a bit, while his hands caressing her hips. She put a single finger in the waist of his pants, leading him between her legs, closer. A groan escaped his lips and she felt the bulk of his pants grew considerably against her, putting a delicious pressure between her legs and she started to feel her body on fire like always used to happens when they where alone.

"Tara…? You want to…?"

"Yes… I want. Every. Single. Part. Of you"

"Thank god" he said and his hands grabbed her ass tightly. This wasn't the first time they made love but every time felt like their skins were burning, wanting to feel each other, wanting to be one. He raised her, with his hands still on her butt, and carried her to the bedroom with her legs around his waist while her mouth went to his shoulder and bite softly but hard enough to make him close his eyes for a second. Another groan leave him and she loved it.

They fell in the bed with their mouths together, hard against each other, while one of Thomas's hands began to roam torturously slowly in her leg up to her thigh, removing her dress out of the way. She shivered in anticipation.

"So eager" He said in her ear, his breath hot, so hot, and his voice deep, full of desire, nibbing her earlobe.

"For you? Always" Tara said, caressing his stomach and chest while she took off his jersey. He sat down with her on his lap, his lips on hers and his hands peeling off her dress. Once in her underwear, a black lace bra and panties transparent enough to drive him crazy, he started to kiss her chest, between her breasts, touching them with one hand while the other caressed her hips and leg. He took off her bra, kissing, cupping, touching with his tongue her boobs, making her moaned, he took his time with them both, making them hard rock and sensitive to his touch. Thomas's lips returned to her mouth while her hands pushed him closer by his pants, removing his belt and unbolting it.

"This off. Now". He obey, dropping it on the floor and returning a top of her.

"Tell me what you want"

She kissed him hard and tugged his bottom lip softly. "I want your mouth all over me"

His lips traveled by her throat, neck, shoulders, breast, belly, leaving tiny marks and goosebumps, he could feel the hot of her skin inside his mouth, like a fire that it's going to consume him. His mouth finally landed between her legs, softly kissing above her panties before remove them slowly until he dropped it to the floor.

"So ready for me" Thomas said with his breath hot against her skin, making her tremble. His tongue went inside her, touching her clit barely at first, holding her hips in place, provoking her until she let out a groan. He started to eat her out, licking and sucking her pussy hard, putting one finger inside her and starting to moving it, after a few moments, a second finger joined and he move them faster and deeper.

Tara's eyes were closed and her mouth open, breathing hard and moaning loudly, her hands on his hair, grabbing it like an anchor, her hips moving with his mouth and fingers, desperate for some release.

"Fuck Thomas". She never swear except in sex with him, he loved to hear her saying that kind of things, losing control in his arms. He could feel in his mouth how close she was to coming, with one hand he took off his boxers finally settling free his dick, while his mouth return to hers in a heatedly kiss, he rolled up a condom and pressed his hips to hers, before pushing in.

"Stop… teasing… me" she said between painting, with their mouths still together. "I need you"

So his dick enter her pussy hard, filling her, making her moan loudly, her hands in his back while her nails scratched his skin. He groan in her ear while starting bang in and out faster.

"Damn Tara, you drive me crazy"

"Don't stop Thomas… Please don't stop"

"Never"

He kissed her throat feeling the vibrations of her moans in his lips while her legs rolled up around him, pulling him even close. They both were moaning and panting, skin hot and sweated, hands touching everywhere.

"Say my name, baby" Keeping the thrusts while one of his hands start caressing her clit again. Her back arching at him, overwhelmed, holding at his shoulders with her knuckles white. "Moan for me"

"Oh my god, Thomas! Yes!" Her eyes firmly closed, pleasure all over her factions. "Shit… I… Thomas, I'm almost… Fuck!" her voice shallow.

"Come to me, Tara" His thrusts and her loud moans filling the room. She couldn't resist anymore, it was too much, he was too much.

Realising a final groan of pleasure while saying his name, she come hard, shivering like crazy, still holding his shoulders. A few seconds later, he followed her, cumming inside her before falling on top of her, being careful to not crushed her. The stay like that for a moments, panting and catching their breaths, Tara's hand caressing his hair while his head was in her chest.

"Definitely… best birthday ever." She said with her voice still a little taken. He chuckled, rested his elbows on the bed and kissed her softly.

"I have something for you" he said getting up and putting his boxer on while she dress up in her panties and some Thomas's t-shirt that looked oversized on her. She loved sleep in his t-shirt, even when they sleep together, feeling the smell of his aftershave lotion and perfume in her skin was one of her favorite things. He went through his closet and took a little wrapped package, return to bed and sit beside her, kissing her cheek. "Happy birthday, beautiful"

She sit up a little more straight and opened it. Inside was a gorgeous white gold chain with a delicate 'T' on it, also in white gold. She stood there in silence, staring at it, with her fingers touching it delicately and her eyes bright with tears.

Thomas's heart aching. Maybe she didn't like it, maybe she hated white gold, or the initial, what if she thought it was a way to take claim of her, since they both shared the initial? Oh god, maybe she was waiting an engagement ring? He knew he should checked the gift with Rory.

"We can do it in yellow gold if you preferred, I just notice you never use yellow gold but maybe I mistaken. Or you can changing it if you don't like it, for something else--"

"No! No, it's perfect! I love it! It's just…" a tear fall down on her cheek and she dried it with a tiny smile. "I can't even remember the last time someone made my birthday so special" he lead her near to his chest and hugged her tight, kissing her forehead. "Don't get me wrong, be with Rory it's the best thing in my life, wouldn't change it for anything… But, this birthday, with you, was just amazing… You didn't had to do all this, you know that, right?"

"I know I didn't had to, I wanted to. You deserve this and so much more." He said caressing her cheek and kissing her softly. "And I have the intention to give you everything I can. I love you, Tara" That it. The first time he told her those three words. There was no hesitation in his voices, his eyes full of love and his hands holding her close.

"I love you too, Thomas" They kiss again, slow and deep, putting all their feelings in it. She took the chain out of the box, and turned, directing her back to him, holding her hair up with one hand. "Help me putting it?" She said smiling wide while handing him the chain.

"Of course" Thomas kissed her nape before hanging the necklace in place and close it behind her neck. She turned to him, glowing of happiness.

"How do I look?" She was sitting on his lap, with his t-shirt and her lace panties on, her hair messy after sex falling on her shoulders, a huge smile and the 'T' in her chest.

"Like the most beautiful woman in the world" They snuggled together in bed, covering with a blanket.

"So…" she said touching delicately the chain around her neck. "This is why you wanted to came here?" A playful smile on her face.

"Maybe" He told, with his cheek a little red. She giggled and snuggled near to him, putting her head in his chest.

"Thank you Thomas, I really love it" he could feel her smile on his skin.

"We didn't finish the dinner" Thomas said after a moment of silence, with his hand on her waist, caressing there, holding her close to him. "You want me to bring something to eat?"

"Forget it. I'm enjoying this way too much so don't you dare move of here" She kissed softly his chest. "I just realized that this was the first time we had a whole day for us… No working, no schedules or crazy PTA parents… I miss the girls a lot, but this was wonderful"

"Yeah, I haven't noticed that either… it was nice having you all for myself" He kissed her forehead again before they both started to fall asleep, holding each other close.

❣️

#play choices #choices stories you play #choices mother of the year #choices moty #moty thomas #choices thomas mendez #thomas x mc #thomas mendez x mc #thomas mendez #choices blog #choices fanfics #choices fanfiction

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