#i saw everyone was sad with that gifset that I made with this song... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

keigosbirdie · 4 years ago

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FEMALE READER VERSION

Of all Hawks’ secrets, you are the most well-kept.

Version: Female Reader version | Male Reader Version Links: Gifset (art only) | Mood Music

NIGHTHAWK Rating: Explicit | Word Count: 13k | Art: 14 animations, 2 stills (Technically no spoilers, but if you aren’t caught up on the events of the manga you’ll be missing important context. The fic takes place after Hawks’ meeting with the commission.) Synopsis: Casual was the word you used when you first agreed to sleep together. As weeks turned into months turned into a year, those quick and dirty nights blossomed into private moments that earned him little pieces of you. Warnings: Dom!Hawks, Nurse!Reader, animalistic behavior, rough sex, quirk/feather play, light bondage, biting, praise kink, hurt/comfort, secret relationship, talk of past lovers, mentions of death, panic attacks, PTSD, mention of a past, non-canon event. Spicy, then bitter, then sweet.

There was nothing exceptional about your life from an outsider’s perspective. You lived in an apartment on the outskirts of Jaku City, unmarried and childless. During the day you attended medical school where you studied for your doctorate. During the evening you worked as a nurse in the intensive care unit. Then, when you were home, you sat alone for dinner at a kitchen table meant for two.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

For the past year, however, an occasional tap at your sixteenth-story window would break up the lonely monotony. The tap was quite a scandalous secret, not that anyone would believe you if you let it slip. Even you still had a hard time accepting the bizarre reality of the situation; but it was real. Just as real his voice, which you could hear echoing faintly through your apartment.

You glanced up from your lukewarm dinner and dropped your fork. For a long moment, you sat in silence, listening intently until you heard it again. It was him; it was his voice. Your heart pounded against your ribs as you shoved out of your chair and jogged to the window. The part between your curtains opened, but when you peeked through you saw only the glow of city lights below a blanket of darkness.

A frown found your face, and a sigh spilled past your lips. You heard his voice; you would never mistake it for another. It echoed casually against your dim walls again, and you turned your head towards the sweet sound. The television was on in the living room. Your heart dropped at the realization. The little square thing sat on your end table and taunted you with his image.

There he was. Hawks, the winged hero, being interviewed by a woman in a pantsuit. It wasn’t often he did interviews, so you left your dinner to go cold in favor of watching the program.

He was dressed in his hero costume, his visor lifted to rest atop his blond, wind-whipped hair, and his scarlet wings folded politely against his back. A wide grin graced his face as he exchanged charming banter with the woman. She seemed enamored with his expression, but she didn't know him like you knew him. He was smiling, yes, but the edges of his eyes were crinkled with tension. When he chuckled, his wings folded a little harder against his back. His beats of laughter were calculated. Uncomfortable, that's what he was.

He’d been that way a lot lately.

"So, I'm sorry, I have to ask- Every bachelorette in the country is wondering, is there any special lady in your life?" the interviewer asked. It was airy and friendly in intent, but your lip twitched with faint annoyance anyway. Your face fell slack and you leaned back into your chair.

"Well, I don't know about every bachelorette," he quipped. His face was a little grainy on your old TV screen, but you could see the slight pink in his cheeks. He was cute. So, very cute. It made you miss him that much more. "But my personal life, well, how alluring would I be if I didn't keep a few things a mystery?"

And a mystery it was, to everyone but you.

Thankfully, the woman interviewing him had enough tact to know when to move on. Their conversation mercifully veered away from his sex life—your sex life—and towards his agency. The television was a wondrous thing. His voice rang through your home despite his absence. It brought sadness, but also a bittersweet comfort. Viewing him live stung your soul. You watched until his interview ended with a commercial break, and then decided not to wait up for him again. That would only lead to another sleepless night.

Still, the window remained unlocked for him as you called it a night. The yellow glow of your desk lamp died with a click, and you climbed into your bed. Sleep was always difficult. Many nights you laid awake as you thought about your ICU patients. The things you saw in the ward were enough to scar anyone. But if it wasn’t work that plagued your mind, it was him.

Casual was the word you’d used when you’d first agreed to sleep together. It was easy to swallow when he only snuck into your apartment at night for sex. For the first few months, that was it. He’d steal into your home through the cover of darkness and you’d share a violently passionate night. Then, he would vanish out your window until he craved you again. Which, thankfully, was often.

As weeks turned into months turned into a year, however, those quick and dirty nights blossomed into private moments that earned him little pieces of you. You realized you were in too deep when it became difficult to be unbothered by the casual daydreaming of others. His face was clipped to girls’ backpacks long before you knew him, but others, covered so openly in his merchandise, began to make you a touch bitter. His sex life had been speculated about in tabloids since his debut, but to keep your mouth shut while your friends contemplated the size of his penis became hurtful and emotionally taxing.

The only one you could confide those pains in was the man who unintentionally caused them, but Hawks was too sweet. If he knew just how much it tore you up, he’d surely break things off to spare you the misery.

You cursed yourself for getting lost in thoughts of him. Bemoaning the casual chatter of others as he gracefully balanced the weight of the world on his shoulders made you feel weak. You allowed your eyes to close, your breathing slowed, and your body relaxed into your mattress. By the mercy of whatever god watched over you, sleep slowly overtook all your other thoughts.

At least until a shuffle and a squeak made you toss in your sheets. A faint light spilled into your room from the window, and a coolness settled into your bed. You shivered. It was the fresh winter air from outside. The cold wasn't the only intruder. It was him.

The light was dim, but a dark silhouette of flared wings blocked out the moonbeams. Your heart lurched in your chest at the dominant display. It was a habit of the bird in him to fluff up when his blood was hot. His predatory energy kept you submissively silent rather than greet him.

Floorboards creaked beneath his shoes. The pulls of their zippers clicked with the movement. His breath was heavy as he moved to your bed. You caught a vision of your lover’s face. Little flecks of snow followed in. They danced around the brilliance of his wings and settled into his hair. In the blue light of winter’s night, his gold eyes looked dazzling. They also harbored a glint of violence akin to the blown-out eyes of a predator in pursuit of prey.

It was a familiar look from the strange animal. He’d seemed so open and friendly when he’d first snuck into your hospital room to talk, but he shrugged away at hugs and only laughed awkwardly when you told him he was your best friend. He didn't understand that kind of closeness.

You’d learned how deep his discomfort ran through him when the relationship became sexual. His inept understanding of touch translated to violence in the bedroom. Sex was most comfortable for him when he thought of it as a battle. He'd hold you down and force you open. You'd dig teeth into his arms and rip out feathers with your fists. To submit to his pounding was capture, but to overstimulate him until he was too weak to hold you down was victory. Extreme? Perhaps to those who didn’t understand your trust in one another.

He'd at least offer a sappy hello before he pulled his dick out, though. Not tonight. He eyed you as if expecting you to run, as if he'd give chase if you decided to. Fuck, it caused the warmest tingle between your thighs. You’d missed him too badly to try to put up a fight.

He left his jacket abandoned on the floor, which offered a much better view of his slim body wrapped in his black bodysuit. His canines dug into the leather of his glove before he yanked his hand free with his teeth. You laid silent and already breathless. It'd been far too long since you last felt him. Your body was hot with need at the sight of his rigid wings alone. His eyes swept over you as he toyed with the front of his tan jeans. He didn't come very often in uniform. To watch him fondle himself through his costume was- god, was there a stronger word than ecstasy?

“I want you,” he said from your bedside.

"You can have me..." You breathed out. It was intended to sound sultry, but your tone was more akin to a pleading whisper. Your body ached for him before your heart did, after all. Old habits were hard to break.

"You've been waiting for me, like a good girl, haven’t you?" he cooed. Cooed, quite literally. A low and rumbling song reverberated from somewhere deep in his throat. Not a bit of you was avian, but your body reacted instinctively when you heard your mate's call.

"I should reward you."

His visor glinted in the dim light as he pulled it off his face and let it land on the floor. His earmuffs, too.

You bit down your grin as the weight of your mattress shifted under his knee. His ungloved hand neglected the bulge in his jeans to tend to you instead. Warm fingertips slipped beneath your covers and found the skin of your thigh. A small sigh spilled from his lips, and your body trembled.

"You missed my hands on you, didn't you?"

You only managed a nod as his fingers slid up and beneath your pajama top.

Your body sank deeper into your covers when he moved over you. One knee landed on either side of your hips. His bare hand played with your breast while the still gloved one ran through your hair. The leather of the glove was frigid from the cold, but his body radiated warmth. The sweetness of his cologne mingled with the harsh musk of sweat. The smell of him fogged your mind.

The pads of his fingers pinched and tugged at the pink bud he discovered on your chest, which earned him a harsh gasp.

"That's it. I love it when you sing like that," he chimed. His hot breath ghosted over the shell of your ear. Wefts of his hair brushed against your face as his teeth nibbled at your throat. You were trapped beneath the cage his body made.

"These cute little tits of yours- god."

He wasn't usually so chatty when he was about to mount you, but every grumble that reverberated in his throat added to the tingle between your thighs. He could devour you whole and you would thank him for the honor.

Your hands slid up the sides of his tight bodysuit. The inky black fabric was harsh beneath your fingertips. You traced the patterns of its gold accents around to his back and up towards his wings. He stiffened when he felt you slide nearer to them. Between the plush feathers at the base of a wing, you wiggled a finger until you found the skin beneath. Then you gave the joint a brutal squeeze.

Instinctively, that glorious wing of his outstretched and shivered. The stems of his plumes flexed against your hand as they puffed twice their usual size. The longest of them brushed against the ceiling of your room, dwarfing your bodies beneath it.

You were always in awe of the sheer size and beauty of them.

"F-fuck. Not fair," he growled, and then his teeth sunk hard into your neck in vengeance. The harsh bite only made you desperate for more, so you fisted his feathers in your hand and gave a sharp yank. He gasped a hot breath into the nape of your neck. Fuck. You couldn't take the teasing anymore.

Your hands relieved him of their cruelty to pull off your shirt. He faltered when your bare breasts were exposed. His golden irises became thin rings as the darkness of his pupils devoured them. The tip of his glistening tongue wetted his lips.

It was your turn to stare with sharp desire as you heard the click of his belt, then the pull of a zipper. You pushed yourself up to get a good view of him working his dick out of his bodysuit. The throbbing muscle hit him in the stomach. The sensation made him hiss between his teeth, and you whimpered in reply.

"Hhm, you must be really hungry, the way you're staring at it," he mused before he spat into his palm and ran the wetness along the shaft. He quivered at the sensation. You quivered, too.

"Please." Your cheeks were flushed, and your chest quaked with desire. "I want to feel it, please."

"Oh, don't worry. You’re gonna have all of this. Gotta get that pretty little pussy ready for my cock, though, don't we?" he hummed.

He reached into his plumage and pulled out a long, red feather. The thing wriggled between his pinched fingers as he presented it to you. The way it moved was unnatural, but you timidly took it in your grasp. The look on your face must have been telling of your confusion because he chuckled at your expression. He gave no direction. Instead, he watched with a mischievous curiosity as you turned it in your palm. The barbs vibrated independently of one another against your skin.

Your breath heaved when you realized why he had given it to you. His hands slid down your stomach as a pair of red feathers brushed against your sides. They dipped into the hem of your shorts, then pulled the fabric, sliding them down your legs until you were deprived of them. The cold from the open window seeped into your most sensitive places as his hands caressed your hips.

His fingertips stopped over a series of divots and deformities in your flesh. They were painful mementos of the night you met, and reminders of the sacrifice you had made for him a couple of years prior. He was a stranger when you chose to forgo your own survival to shield him from death. His bottom lip disappeared between his teeth as he relived the agony with you, but placed kisses all over the scars. It felt like a plea for forgiveness, so you ran a loving hand through his hair.

A soft sound spilled from him, and then his head dipped down to drink in the sight of your bare body. You were naked beneath your shorts, so he hummed through gritted teeth when he teased your legs apart. He'd seen it all many, many times before, but the sight of your glistening pink sex brought about his cooing again. The sound was a deep and beautiful melody unlike anything you'd ever heard, but also purely sexual. It was his body's call to yours. It beckoned you like a siren.

“No panties, huh?” he murmured. His breath hitched and vibrated with his lustful song. “You’re already so wet, my god… how about you put that feather of mine to use?”

He sat back on his haunches. Those narrow eyes bore holes into your exposed body as he spat another thick glob of saliva onto his palm. His hand found his cock. His eyelids fluttered at the contact and he groaned softly as he pumped around it. His eyes drank your every movement.

You spread your legs for his gaze and then brought the pulsing feather between your thighs. He could feel through them, in a sense. The thought alone caused you to exhale a soft moan, but it was anything but soft when the vibration teased your sex. He groaned, too, at the contact.

Your body flexed and wiggled when you pressed it hard against your clit. The sensation made your eyes roll back. Your slickness dampened its vanes despite its semi-hard state, and your hips ground into the pleasure. He observed. His hand pumped faster with each desperate whimper his feather worked out of you.

It wasn't long before he couldn't take simply watching anymore.

The roughness of his stubble dragged along your breast as he closed his teeth around one of your pink buds. He suckled, and your fingers tangled in his hair as his feather jolted from your grasp. It worked your clit without your help, and hot air blew from his nose as he jerked himself off. You used the distraction to sneak a hand between your bodies. You wanted the hot skin of his cock against you. You wanted to touch and play; to taste and feel. A thick whimper spilled out of him when you ensnared his throbbing dick in your palm and squeezed.

His feather stopped pleasing you.

"I didn’t give you permission to touch, did I?" His wings flexed. The feathered limbs grew massive as their quills stood on end in a frightening display. They were beautiful and plush, but deadly weapons all the same. “Testing me, huh? You're that desperate for my cock?”

Yes, fuck yes you were. You opened your mouth to reply, but your voice cut out when he grabbed you by the wrist. He jerked your hand away from his sex, and you whined. Usually, you were a bit of a hardass. It wasn’t easy to make you crumble, so he looked so devilishly proud of himself when you’d submit beneath the weight of him.

His teeth bared in a deliciously appealing smirk. "I’m gonna have to do something with these hands of yours if you’re gonna grab at shit without permission, yeah?"

You nodded a little too eagerly. His voice was heavy and deep with a depraved need to dominate you. To sully your skin with his desire. You weren’t going to stop him.

A cluster of feathers gathered in the air around you. You had nothing to fear, but watching them circle like small predators overhead made your heart pound against your ribs like a drum. They swarmed you and ensnared your wrists. The strength of his quirk easily had you overpowered. Your hands slammed into the headboard, pinned down by his feathers which trembled with excitement. You were now at his mercy.

“You’ll get your hands back when you’ve earned them,” he informed you through gritted teeth, but you were so mesmerized by the features of his face you hardly heard his words. Beautiful, that's what he was. You'd never told him how his appearance left you breathless. It could scare him away if you said such sweet things too often, but you’d held your heart back for so long it only felt fair to let it beat this once.

“You’re so gorgeous,” you whispered.

He trembled. His eyes widened in startled confusion, and then his cheeks dusted the faintest shade of red. God, that only made your heart thump harder. His did, too; you could feel it rattle through his chest and against your stomach.

"What was that?"

You bit your lip, embarrassed, but echoed the statement a bit more sheepishly. "I said… you're gorgeous."

Your mattress groaned as he folded back onto his knees. The flaming red limbs on his back lowered until they rested against your sheets. Something about that sweet little compliment tore into him like nothing you had ever said before. That desire that flickered behind his eyes blazed out of control. His kisses landed on your knees before he placed a gentle caress of his lips on the innermost part of your thigh. So close to your pussy that the heat of his breath made you slick.

His other glove was abandoned somewhere on the floor, which rendered both his hands bare. A low groan spilled from him as he pressed his thumbs into either side of your heat. His jaw went slack and his breath erratic as he spread you open.

"So are you," he said, but it was muttered so softly you almost didn't hear.

His head dipped down. The tendrils that framed his forehead fell over your midriff as his tongue caressed your twitching flesh. The hot, wet muscle lapped hungrily between your folds. It flicked at your clit, and your legs trembled on either side of his head. His mouth working you open like that was enough to fog your mind entirely.

“You like that?” he cooed between the slurps of his mouth against you. "Oh, I bet you fucking do."

You replied with only a strangled whimper as you tugged uselessly at the feathers that bound you. You were desperate to comb your fingers through his downy hair, to fist it in your hands and press his face hard into you. A low chuckle flowed from his open mouth and tickled your flinching flesh. Another cry tore from your throat.

“My poor baby, so desperate,” he sighed after placing a kiss against your clit.

His poor baby. He hummed that phrase with such possessive intensity. He was right. Even if it was unspoken, you and your body belonged to him and him alone.

The warmth of his palms traveled back up your stomach and squeezed your breasts roughly. “Forcing you to wait so long for me, did I neglect my sweet little Chickpea? Hmm, I better make up for it, huh?"

God, the way his husky voice reverberated against your flesh was the most delicious form of torture. You bit your lip and nodded, and he rewarded you with a finger. It slid carefully into you, and his hand caressed your insides. You cried a loud, indecipherable string of mangled words. All grasp on language left you as he curled his fingers up and flicked his wrist.

“Aw, what are you trying to say, Sweetheart?” he huffed. All the little nicknames only pushed you further into your need for him. “You wanna feel my fat cock push into that pretty little pussy?”

A sharp inhale burned your throat.

“P-please!” you choked. Your voice was cracked and pitiful when it finally tore from you, and a wonderfully wonton sound fell from him.

“Please what, huh? Please what?” he gasped.

“Fuck me! I want it- I want your cock- PLEASE.”

“Ohhhhh, that sounds so pretty comin’ outta your mouth,” came his long, low growl. As a reward for your begging, he dragged the wetness of his tongue along the length of your little pink slit.

The rough material of his jeans slid down your inner thighs as he mounted you. The shaft of his hot, bare cock pressed flush against your sex. Clusters of his feathers bunched behind the bends in your knees and forced them back, which splayed you helplessly open. You watched as he bit into his lip and rubbed himself against your wetness. You couldn't look away as the most intimate part of his body sheathed itself in yours.

The most delicious pressure overwhelmed your aching senses. Fuck. FUCK. He moved slowly. It may have been meant as mercy, but to your sex-starved body, it felt torturous. The ridges of his dick caught at your swollen walls before the tip of it pressed agonizingly slow into the bottom of you.

“Hawks! Oh my god, I can’t fucking take this!” your throat jerked and trembled just like your aching thighs. Your hips pumped in desperation for friction where your bodies connected. “Give it to me, give it- I swear to god- FUCK!”

Once you gave him control of your body, he lost control of his own. The mattress groaned when he slammed into you. His teeth dug into your throat, laying his claim on you as he panted for breath. His loose belt buckle beat at your outer thighs, and your bed frame groaned in protest with each merciless thrust. His hands dug into your flesh and locked you into his jarring pumps. He pinned you down as if he expected you to play the fighting game, but you didn't resist his cock this time. You didn't want a battle. You wanted your lover. Your moaning whimpers broke and cracked as his jerking hips rocked the wind from you.

He pounded into you too fast for your mind to keep up. Your scarred body buckled and stung under his animalistic need, but the shockwaves of pleasure that rolled through your core kept you begging him for more. More. More.

His mind was so fogged that he lost his focus on his feathers. The clusters binding you down came loose without his influence, and you easily pulled out of them to throw your arms around his neck. His wings spread out and bristled until they were pressed against the walls, puffed and massive. His forehead was against yours. His hot breath puffed in your face, and his beautiful body was pleasured with yours.

"Fuck, fuck! Please- Let me come inside you," he pleaded. His eyes were hazy and fogged, his mouth was slack and face a deep red. His body’s cooing song was so loud you could feel it in your own chest. The familiar smell of his cologne intermingled with the musk of sex and blurred your mind. You wanted every piece of him he'd give you.

"Y-yes, please, please," you begged between the hard smacks of his skin against yours.

Your eyes shot open as his pace quickened. His wings… they were falling apart. Those beautiful eyes of his lulled further into the back of his head with each bone shivering slap of flesh. His teeth bared and his lips twitched as he pressed your bodies roughly together. Shivers rolled through his muscles, and those fierce wings of his were reduced to twitching little nubs on his back as he came.

You ran your hands between his shoulder blades as you marveled at his feathers. They littered the air as they weaved feverishly around one another. The gentle touch of your hands brought Hawks down from his high, and his feathers slowed until they lazily spun like autumn leaves. You pulled him down into a tight embrace and buried your face into his hair. He heaved into your chest, and you watched all the little pieces of him flutter around your room in the light of the moon.

He often lost control of his wings when you made love. They'd fluff up and flap wildly when he came, which often knocked shelves from your walls and your lamp from your bedside table. That was the first time he shed his feathers, and you were in awe.

"Are you okay?" he asked. His voice was gravely and shuttered between labored breaths.

“Yeah, I’m just... admiring," you said as you stared over his shoulder. He glanced behind him, and his cheeks tinted the faintest shade of pink when he realized the pitiful state of his wings. The little red feathers spread all around your room stilled in the air and swarmed to his back, returning his iconic limbs to their full glory.

“Er, you managed to pluck me. How embarrassing,” he quipped. You were so sore and exhausted from his sex all you could manage was a little laugh. You were a gasping mess, though, when he finally pulled out of you. The loss of pressure was a relief, but it also left you feeling empty. You laid quiet and trembling as he leaned back to marvel over the mess he made of you. His thumbs spread you open again, and he let out a breathless moan as you felt his come leak from you. His head dipped between your thighs. That beautiful tongue of his flicked out and lapped at the mess on your pussy. The warm wriggling of the muscle shocked your swollen clit and made you cry out, but you couldn't bear to ask him to stop. It satisfied something in you to watch as he licked you clean of your slick and his own come.

When he was content that he'd cleaned you thoroughly, he laid his body carefully beside you in your bed. His fingers tangled in your hair as he locked you into a kiss. You could taste the sex he licked from you on his tongue.

The sex was always feverish and ravishing, but the afterglow was your addiction. In the beginning, it was rare. To kiss and caress crossed the line into his discomfort, but the more he learned to trust you the more of his affection you earned. The man who feared human touch began to ask for hugs every visit. Kisses became frequent and pleasant the more he let you do it. Then came sex that felt less like vicious wars and more like making love. Yes, after everything you did to earn his intimacy, nothing felt as lovely as lying naked beneath his plush plumage.

His feathers caressed every inch of your aching body. His warm mouth, still wet from the sex, pressed gentle kisses onto your face. Your head rested against his arm as your breath slowly steadied. His wing flexed and rested on your shoulder as if tucking you in beneath a plush comforter.

“Mm. You like that?” he pondered breathlessly. His fingers trailed up your scarred side until they combed through your hair. There was a ginger softness to the touch that made your heart quiver. He smiled at you, those yellow eyes pierced through the dim light and into your soul. as you reached your hand out to run your fingers under his jaw.

“Do you need to ask?” you hummed. Your cheeks were still red and your chest quaked as you slowly came down from the high.

He laughed. What a lovely, airy sound. You hummed in the glory of the moment. And, for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, you could breathe again. Typically, he’d spend his days off kicked back on your living room couch with a tall bottle of something hard in his hand. You’d go a week or so without seeing him when things got tense in the hero world, of course, but in the last two months, you’d had him for only a handful of nights. It was concerning, but you knew better than to ask. No matter how close the two of you had become he would never talk to you about work.

“It's been a while since you last flew in,” you noted as you got comfortable beneath his plumage. His body beside yours was the definition of comfort. Your mind could only be at peace when he was safe in your bed. “It’s nice to see you again, I was worried.”

“I know, it’s been too long. No need to worry, though, Chickpea, I’m right here,” he replied. His slow exhale tangled in your hair, and his hand's gentle touch found your cheek. He offered no explanation for his lengthy absences, but he and his crimson wing caressed you with apologies.

You relaxed to the sound of his steady breath through the dim blue light of your bedroom. The wing he draped over you was so plush and warm you could easily fall asleep. You might have, if not for the fear of waking up without him. You scooted closer to wind your arms around his chest and bury your face in his neck.

"I really wish you could stay," you whispered.

To let your love get in his way was the last thing you wanted, but it was the utterance of a moment of weakness. It was uncharacteristic of you, the pathetic way it sounded, and you felt him stiffen under your arm as he soaked in your request. While there was never a confession of love, you'd tamed the wild bird with years of patience and earnest affection. He was loyal to you. It was cruel of you to ask for something you knew he couldn't give.

“Ah… I would if I could help it, you know that,” he sighed into your forehead, “but I can try to stay until morning.”

“Please. I’d like that.” It came out like the voice of a frightened child, but it was difficult to hide your need for him anymore.

If you dwelled any further on the possibility of him vanishing, your emotions were going to get the better of you. You played with the feathers draped over your shoulder to calm yourself. A small one by your face was pinched between your fingers as you rolled the barbs around.

"Your wings are filthy," you mused. Dirt particles littered the poor things. You were sure, with some rooting, you'd find a few bugs he’d picked up in the air, too. "Actually, all of you is filthy. You got dirt all in my sheets, bird brain."

"Oh. Shit, my bad," he murmured as he sat upright. You shivered when the warmth of his wing left you.

"Hm, it's fine. Throw your clothes in the wash and I'll get a shower ready for you, sound good?"

“Sounds good.”

The bed creaked in relief when he stood. His frame was slender and small, but his wings at least doubled the weight of him. That was evident with how smothering being beneath him could feel. He kicked off his pants, though his body was still covered by the black and gold bodysuit he wore beneath them. It warmed your heart to see him carry his uniform out of your room and hear him tinker with the washer on the other side of the wall. The sound of the cloth being tossed inside followed by the creak of an opening cabinet seeped through the drywall, followed by the pop of the detergent lid coming off.

He was intimately familiar with your tiny abode. You’d made sure things stayed in the same place so he'd know where everything was the next time he'd visit. You'd been especially anal about it since he'd often be gone for such long periods at a time. When he returned, you wanted your home to feel like it belonged to him, too.

A sensation overcame you as you laid alone in your bed. The sheets were warm from the love you’d just made. Despite his tongue cleaning you off, you could still feel the faint warmth of him inside of you. His contented sigh found you through the wall and your heart burst.

To the rest of the world, he was a hero, but he was so much more to you. You'd give anything to have him completely. For his voice to echo, groggy and sheepish, against your walls every morning. To get to kiss him goodbye before the sun rose, and to welcome him home every afternoon with a warm embrace. For a ring on your finger; a crib in the bedroom. That wasn’t the kind of life that was meant for him, though. As long as he was afraid of you being hurt, those secret nights were all you’d ever have. It made sense. He had enemies, and you could only imagine how your quiet life would turn upside down if you ended up in the pages of a tabloid.

You only spent time together in the privacy of your apartment. Even after two years of being close to him, there was so little you knew about his life separate from you. What little you did know only made you frustrated on his behalf. You held out hope that it could eventually change, for your sake and his.

Preening Hawks was your favorite thing to do with him. There was something special about being across from one another in the shower, naked, warm water rushing over your bodies as your fingers smoothed and placed his dampened feathers. It took the first year of your friendship for him to allow you to touch them at all, so it was an obvious display of his trust in you. Which was understandable. His wings were an integral part of his identity. You watched as he ran his hands over his face and into his hair. His expression was in a relaxed state of bliss as your fingers picked through his plumage.

With his massive wings on either side of you like plush, padded walls, it felt like nothing in the world could get you. His laughter echoed around the small room as he told jokes and stories. It was okay if you didn't have anything to say, or if you just wanted to listen. He would talk for you when you fell short, and that's usually what got you laughing.

Through the gentle moment, though, you couldn't help but let your emotions get the better of you. During times like those, when his visits were few and far between, your mind danced around the question of why. The possibilities bounced between him either being in danger or losing interest in you. Both were scary thoughts since he had become such an integral part of your life.

"Would you mind if I ask something?" you pondered, which accidentally interrupted a story he'd been telling about an intern of his.

"Depends what it is.”

"Well… there are a million girls out there who'd gladly do this with you," you mused, and it was true, even if it stung a little to remember. "Did you decide to do this with me because it was convenient?"

That had been your reason, initially. Hawks spent a lot of time hanging around your apartment and he just happened to be wildly attractive. There were no feelings when he’d first asked if he could fuck you. That didn't come until later.

He laughed, and you glared at him.

“Self-doubt, huh? That isn’t like you. Me being away a lot’s really shaken you up, huh?”

"It's not self-doubt, I'm just genuinely curious," you quipped as you pulled a feather from his wing. They'd moult if they hung around too long, so pulling out the loose ones was a help to him.

"Well… what we have going on is far from convenient," he said. "If that's what I was going for, I'd go after a pro that could keep a secret. It ain't easy to sneak away like this, you know."

So even a pro hero would have to be a secret for him? Did Hawks have any chance at all for a normal life?

“I wanted you, and if I want something, I go for it.”

You swallowed down a breath you’d been holding, but you didn’t say anything else as you watched his eyes dance around the bathroom in thought.

"And I wanted you because… well, there were a lot of reasons. The night we met was a big one, I guess.”

You looked away. That night felt taboo to mention, considering all the guilt you knew he harbored. Your scars weren’t his fault. Several villains were on a rampage, and your hospital was in the destructive path. You were just another civilian, caught in the crossfire. His feathers tried, but they couldn’t get you out of the building. You’d been partially crushed beneath the rubble.

“I was sure it was the end of the road for me. It would have been if you and your quirk hadn’t been trapped inside with me. You have a forcefield. You could have used it to protect yourself, but you bubbled me instead. You were gonna die. I was so sure you were gonna die and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.”

Still, your lips wouldn’t move. You’d spent ten months in an ICU after you were crushed beneath the weight of two stories of concrete. If not for the healing quirks of EMTs, you wouldn’t have survived at all. If not for your sacrifice, Hawks wouldn’t have, either. Still, it wasn’t his fault.

“Still hurts to know I couldn’t help you when you needed me most, but when I looked in your eyes, there wasn't a hint of fear. All I saw was determination. I never met someone who was so sure of their choices, even in the face of death," he recalled. Your emotions skirted between sadness and flattery as you heard his thoughts. If only you could live up to that selfless picture of you, now. “I know a lot of pros who could only hope to have that kind of resolve.”

“Damn, when you tell it you make me sound like a badass,” you quipped, and your laughter bounced around the shower stall.

“I mean, what are the requirements to be donned with the title of badass? I’m sure you’re overqualified. Either that or you’re fucking crazy, which is also a possibility.”

You snorted.

“I'm not crazy. My job is to help people after they've been hurt. If I bubbled you instead, I’d be saving every person you’d live to protect. Before they would need a nurse like me. It’s just what made sense.”

He was silent for a moment as he absorbed your reasoning. You tended to be rational, even in the most emotional of situations. But that borderline-robotic way of thinking was a by-product of your own miseries.

You were a nurse in a world overcome by demigods and treachery. Some of the things you'd seen in the OR would haunt you for the rest of your life. And, sometimes, those ghosts came to torment you in your dreams. That made it hard the first time Hawks slept in your bed. You would sometimes wake with tears in your eyes as your voice quivered out sobs. Your past lovers didn't understand that part of you. The broken part. The part that had been poisoned by the darker side of this superpowered world.

That's what fostered your love for Hawks. When he had awoken early that morning to you crying beside him, he’d only reacted with a patient embrace. He adored the bright parts of you, but he also had a solemn understanding and respect for your darkness. Having that connection through your mutual suffering was a kind of bond you’d never had before him. And now that you had it, you couldn't imagine life without.

You went back to preening. You pressed up on your knees to reach a bit higher on his wing, and he watched intently. His voice died into silence as his gaze swept over your naked form, which dripped from the steam of the shower. It wasn't a surprise. Often, he would get lost in himself as he observed you, like a curious bird. It felt like a wordless compliment, so you silently allowed his eyes to explore you. Not that his hands and mouth and cock hadn't already drawn a map of you in his mind.

"Whatcha thinking about?" you teased playfully, and he hummed in response.

"How you look at my wings… I like it."

"Everybody looks at your wings," you said dismissively. A half-smile graced your face.

"You’re right. They do. People admire me because of what they’re capable of. It's what people think of first when they think of me, and rightfully so. They're hard to ignore. But when you look at me, you look at my face first, my wings second. It's like you admire them because they're a part of me, not because of what they can do. I appreciate that."

Your fingers in said feathers slowed to a stop as he spoke. You smiled a little to yourself as you brushed them against a feather. He shivered. "Your quirk is a part of who you are. That's why I like cleaning them for you. It feels like I get to give you something special, but wings or not, I'd still want you."

Falling in love with Hawks was the best and worst thing you’d ever experienced. The pleasure of those beautiful moments seeped into your soul like a warm cup of tea. But the anguish that followed after he flew out your window… there wasn't a simile that could correctly describe the immeasurable pain.

Your response must have triggered a long series of difficult thoughts for the bird. His head tilted slightly, his eyes hardened in expression and his brows furrowed as he soaked in your confession.

"In the year we've been doing this… has there ever been another man?" he pondered. The question jarred you. Occasionally, he'd get a touch possessive of his time with you. He’d asked a time or two who you were texting. You knew him well enough to pick up the hint of jealousy despite his light tone, but he never asked anything so outright.

“Well, look who's got self-doubt now. You sure are eager for a lot of questions and confessions tonight. What’s gotten into you?” you asked.

He shrugged. “You asked a question, so it's my turn now. Besides, we’ve been close for a couple of years. We've been intimate for half of that. just seems a little silly to keep up the fuck buddies act. Or is it just me?”

Fuck buddies act? You bit your lip. Hard. When he was with you he was so relaxed. This seriousness was unusual, and it made your wet skin rough with goosebumps.

"It's not just you," you confessed.

For a short while, the bathroom was filled with only the sound of the running shower as you collected your confession.

"There hasn't been another man since you. I mean… I've gone on dates a few times, but it never got that far," you replied. The moment another man kissed you… Well, kisses felt dirty if they were with anyone other than Hawks. "I know this thing you and I have going on was meant to be a no strings attached kind of affair, but… Well, if I’m being honest with you, it feels wrong trying to sleep with anyone but you. I like what we have, and I've always got the impression that you really do, too."

He didn't say anything. You weren't sure whether or not that was what he wanted to hear.

"Have you?" you asked. "Been with anyone else?"

You’d never asked before. At first, it was because it didn't feel like your business. Then, when the thought eventually made your heart ache, you didn't ask because you didn't want to know. But now that you had come clean, it only felt fair that he did, too.

Air left his nose and his head bobbed back until his wet hair pressed against the shower stall.

"Once,” he confessed, and he sounded ashamed now that he knew you never did. “I used to have this on again, off again thing, before I knew you. I messed with her a few weeks after you and I first… well, you know. But only once, then never again.”

You’d thought it would crush you to learn he’d been with someone else, but it didn’t sting like you thought it would. Probably because you didn't know specifics. If you knew what woman had her hands on him, if you could see it, it probably would destroy you. But the apologetic way he said it put your heart at ease. He mumbled like he knew it would hurt you, and he didn’t want it to. But you weren’t wounded, and your feelings weren’t perturbed. He never promised you anything, just as you’d never made promises to him.

“Why’d you stop seeing her?” you asked as you scooted closer to smooth shampoo suds down in his hair. He only shrugged at first, then sighed in contemplation when your fingers combed along his scalp.

“I’ve never had a place I could go to, you know?” he said. “I’ve never had somewhere like this, where I can lay my head for a little while and just be…”

“Pampered?” you suggested as your hands moved to massage his shoulder blades between his wings.

He breathed out a little laugh, but shook his head. “Yeah, but that’s not what I was thinkin’.”

“Out with it then,” you teased.

“Well… I’ve never had somewhere I’ve felt safe and... cared about?” he said, though his eyes were distant and lost when he said it, as if he wasn’t sure he should have.

“I gotta always be looking over my shoulder. Gotta always have a mask on and hope no one ever sees through it. But here, everything’s relaxed. You couldn’t care less what my ranking on some chart is or how much money is in my pocket. You don't give a shit about heroing or the tabloids. You’re the only person in my life who asks for nothing other than my company. I feel human here. I didn’t want to jeopardize that, or what I had with you. That’s why I stopped seeing her.”

Your mouth went dry. While your nights were long and passionate, you’d never whispered sweet nothings. You’d never told him how much he and his company meant to you because you felt he wouldn’t want to hear it, but he kept coming back. For a year he had clung wordlessly to what little affection you gave him. If he’d told you this a year prior, you would have given him so much more love.

“So you do have deeper feelings for me. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

He was silent, as you’d expected him to be. He both craved and feared the closeness he’d formed with you. At times he’d drown you in sweet little bits of affection, but, when things got too deep, he would shut down. Through the last couple of years, you’d broken through a lot of his walls, but the cold influence of the commission would always be with him. Even if he was in love with you, he’d never understand how to tell you.

"Because of who I am when I fly out your window,” he began. The reverb of his voice against the shower stall took you off guard. You didn’t expect him to answer. "There are things I know you want from me… things that I can’t give you right now, and you deserve more than that. That’s why I never planned on telling you… Fuck. It was never supposed to be like this…”

He spoke more to himself than he did to you at that moment. There was an internal battle going on in his mind; one you'd never really be able to understand, but you wanted to try.

"You mean you never meant to get attached?"

His silence was telling.

"It's okay," you said. "We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to." You took a hold of his hand, but he flinched away from you. He was regressing back into old habits. It had been months since he’d last recoiled to your affection. Something was terribly wrong. The recoil was fine. It was okay. Whatever he needed to feel comfortable. "I'm sorry-"

"No, I'm sorry," he interrupted. He rubbed the wrist you had touched as if you'd burned him. His brow was knit and his mouth became a harsh line. "Sometimes it feels easy and other times it doesn't, but I'm trying."

"I know you are. Like I said, we don't have to talk about feelings."

He stared at you, and the longer his gaze rested on your face, the softer it became, "I want to try."

You nodded and wrapped your arms around your naked knees. The shower had been turned off long ago by a cluster of his feathers, but the soothing steam still lingered around you.

“It's just… this is difficult. One day someone may shoot me out of the sky. The thought of you still being right here, waiting for me, when I can never come back… It... kills me." He paused, his eyes hazed over as he swallowed his emotion down. The rawness in his voice struck such an unpleasant chord that your own eyes pricked with bitter water. "That's why I didn’t want attachments like this. But I didn't mean for all this between you and me. You snuck into me slowly, I didn't even notice until it was too late."

"Is this supposed to be flattering? It sounds like you're likening me to a parasite or something- heartworm," you quipped in an effort to dispel the heavy tension. He smiled, but only for a moment before he rolled his eyes at you.

"Just… listen to me," he said, and your eyes trained on his as your mouth closed. "If that ever happens… If there comes a day you've been waiting for me, only to find out I'm never coming back, please know that I cared for you."

He didn't use the word love, but that's very much what he was trying to convey. In a way, you’d kind of always knew. It was why he’d said it, how he’d said it, that made your eyes prick with tears at their corners. The thought of what he was implying petrified you. Hawks was so skilled, so powerful, so almighty. Despite all his power, though, he was human, just like you. The night you’d met proved how possible death was for him. Nothing could keep him safe forever, not even your forcefields.

But he’d never talked like this before. He was always so light-hearted and relaxed. His work and the dangers associated with it was off the menu of conversion topics. What had happened to bring all this darkness up now?

"You talk like you’re preparing for death."

Again, he didn’t reply. His silence was more terrifying than anything he could have said, but trying to pry him open would only break him, it seemed. So you didn’t.

“May I kiss you?” you asked instead.

He nodded.

You leaned forward and breathed into his ear. He shivered when you placed a gentle kiss on the shell of it. His earring pressed against your lip was a gentle and familiar feeling, but after you heard all he had to say it also felt fleeting. He always had some ulterior motive or hidden reason for every little thing he did. It's as if he said all this because tomorrow would be the day he was gone.

“I’m not preparing to die.” Your kiss gave him the courage to speak. "I have too much to live for. It’s just always a possibility- for anybody, really. But heroes especially. I just wanted it off my chest is all."

He smiled at you, but you’d seen every smile in his repertoire, and this one was faker than your stick-on-backsplash. The air never felt so tense between you. Not even the night you met, dying feet away from each other. It all felt so… heavy. The weight of it pressed hard into your chest.

“Er, this reminds me, while we're on topic, I got some things going on at the agency. I hate to say it, but you won't see me again for a little while. I don’t know how long. It could be a couple of months.” His disposition remained fake casual. His shoulders and face were relaxed as he enjoyed the steam of the shower, but his wings tensed. You felt it in your palms as you preened him.

"You're in trouble," you said. Your mouth went dry as the realization drained the color from your face.

"Trouble? Me? Nah. Just work stuff."

He spoke with a relaxed air about him, but he couldn’t lie to you.

"No. You've been acting off all night. You’ve been making all these confessions. Talking about death, telling me you're going away for a while. I know you better than you think I do; something big happened and you're trying to tie up loose ends in case you don't get out of it okay," you rambled, and the more you talked the higher your voice became. It trembled and wavered with building fear.

He stared at you. That silly face of his melted into a thin line and sharp, angular eyes. Those tricks worked when no one was close enough to see through them, but you knew his genuine smile like the back of your hand. You saw right through his facade, and he was annoyed by the very determination he just prided you for.

"Can't get anything past you, can I?"

You didn't whimper, but your eyes became glossy with emotion. It was a strange mixture of panic, sorrow, and rage. You had no idea what he'd gotten into, but you also knew he would never tell. He placed preserving missions above all else, which made sense but was frustrating.

"I don't know what's going on, but you need to get out of it if you're thinking it's something you may not come back from."

"Things aren't that simple. I chose this life, I gotta follow through."

"No, I chose to be a nurse when I was sixteen and understood the implications of what I'd have to go through. You were fucking six when the commission took you, and they spent all that time gaslighting and taking advantage of you-"

"We aren’t talking about that right now, don't use it against me.”

"Use it- what? I'm not using anything against you! You’re the one alluding to death! There’s nothing wrong at the agency, there’s something else- something terrible-"

"Drop it.”

“How can I?!”

"Because I said so." His eyes were narrow and mouth a tight, thin line. You could read him so well. He was regretting this. All of this, because now you were onto whatever suicide mission he was embarking on. But, as his lover, how could you just sit back and silently watch him throw himself into a danger that had even him shaken?

You got louder, and he got louder. You tossed bitter, confused words back and forth until he was screaming. Until you were screaming back at him. Your calm, laid back demeanor slipped through your fingers the moment you realized he could be in over his head. That, if you let him leave, this could be the last night you’d ever spend with him. Your anger was driven by your fear for his life, and his was driven by your inability to let it go.

He was still screaming. You were still screaming. You were fighting him. He just told you you were the most important person in his life, and you were spitting venom.

You stopped.

He stopped.

Your hand came to your bare chest as it heaved in an attempt to steady your breath. The other came up to wipe the tears budding in your eyes. He looked away from you, his brow tugged heavily downward, his jaw clenched together in shame.

"Let’s just breathe, okay?" you pleaded.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," you whimpered into your hand. "Out of everyone in the world, you're the last who needs to say sorry, so don't. It's just- it's not right, okay? You're too… I don't know, selfless? I watch all the time as that gets taken advantage of. Doesn’t it get tiring? Even your name is some dirty secret. I've been sleeping with you for a year and I don't even know what it is-"

"Yes, you do," he argued, his lip wavered with weakness for one vulnerable moment. "You know me- you know my name."

Desperation laced between his words and strung the sentence together. It wasn't easy to see your lover look at you that way, just begging for you to let pieces of him go. It was hard to accept it, but whatever name he went by prior to heroism didn't exist anymore. Neither did the once innocent child it belonged to. You tried to respect that, but it was unfair he was denied a basic human right: to have a name.

"You're Hawks, I know, I'm sorry… it's just… how much is left of yourself that actually belongs to you? How long until there’s nothing left to give? People have taken so much from you that you’ve become numb to it; do you even know what you're missing out on? Do you even know how lonely you are? When’s the last time anybody even asked if you were okay?"

He realized, then, that you weren't angry at him.

You were angry for him.

His eyes shifted to yours, and he nibbled at his bottom lip before he muttered with the quirk of his mouth: “Well, you ask me that pretty much every time you see me.”

There it was. The crack in your voice. The crinkle of your nose and the tremble of your lip. You cried, and he sat there across from you, still bare as his wings lowered to either side of you. His expression didn't change, and, for once, you couldn't read it. You didn't want to be so upset, but knowing he was in some kind of dangerous trouble that shook even him was too much for you to bear.

"I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. It’s just… Do you have any idea how many heroes I've wheeled into the morgue? People die on my table all of the time. Every time is just as hard as the last, but the heroes- those are the ones that destroy me. Because every time someone in a cape lands on the table I know their families are waiting for them at home, just like I wait here for you.

"I saved you once, but you're so far away from me, too far for my forcefields to reach you. Hearing you say you’re going away- all I can think of is coming into work one day and finding you c-... covered in a sheet."

His wings moved up from the shower floor. The feathers were dark with dampness as their joints pressed into your back. You sat there like that as he let you cry. Really, what else could he have done? What else could you have done? Of course you were angry. You would be for the rest of your life over how his panned out. His childhood was taken from him, his understanding of human affection was still stunted, even after all the time you spent gently undoing what damage had been done. Now he talked like one wrong move would end it all.

"It's… difficult," he began, though he couldn't make eye contact with you. He usually couldn't when you had discussions like this. "Being a hero isn’t what I imagined I would be when I was a kid. And sometimes I do ask myself: 'what is this all for? There's always going to be a new bad guy. Why does it matter?' And then I think about you…"

He went silent for a moment; you could see the little battle behind his eyes. The battle between his affection deprived confusion and his need to be closer to you. To explain himself.

"I think about you and it reminds me there are good people who are worth fighting for. As long as you are here and there are bad people out there that could hurt you, I have to be out there, too. And, yeah, sometimes I get afraid. But as long as I have these wings, I'm going to use them to keep this world safe for you."

He’d never felt so close to you, and yet so far away. He thought even more of you than you anticipated. A part of you felt touched you'd become a cornerstone for his sanity in such a hostile world, but the other part felt sick. If he wanted to fight for you, that was fine.

But to die for you; that would be unforgivable.

The urge to argue the worth of his life weighed heavy on your heart. If you did, he would call you hypocritical, considering your own history of self-sacrifice. It wasn’t the same, though. His self-worth depended on his usefulness to others and little else, and you feared the day that usefulness ran out. What would Hawks be, if not a hero? It should have such a simple answer, like what you would be if not a nurse. But it didn't. It never would.

You leaned forward to pull him into a tight hug. Perhaps when he was anywhere else you were unable to protect him, but right there, in your arms, you'd use whatever you could to keep him safe. Your bubbles, your kind words, anything.

"I understand," you said, because you knew there were no words that could keep him away from the hero path. It wasn't just a part of his identity; it was all he'd ever known. "Just… don't forget when the heroing is said and done, you'll always have a place here if you need it."

He hummed a small, contented coo at your kindness. Of course, you didn't have to tell him that. He already knew. Why else would he spend so much of his precious little free time cuddled up to you?

"I'll remember," he promised as his arms and damp wings curled in to squeeze you against him.

You and Hawks bathed in the comforting darkness of your bedroom. Your window was frosted from the bitter cold outside, but his body heat kept you warm in the safety of your bed. Or nest, rather, as Hawks tended to construct mounds of tangled comforters and wadded up bedsheets to hide in as he got comfortable. You were buried beneath the mass of cloth and the cocoon of his wings as you tried to fall asleep. It was a difficult undertaking since you didn’t know when you’d see him again. You were so tired, but you wanted to be awake to hold him for what little time you had left.

You wouldn’t have gotten any sleep, anyway.

Often when Hawks slept in your bed you'd awaken at strange hours. Sometimes this was due to your own nightmares. The subject bounced between the traumatic things you’d seen at the hospital and the night you’d met. You'd wake to find that you’d encased your bed in your protective bubble during your sleep, and Hawks' wings squeezed you gently against his chest. Other nights, it was Hawks' anxiety that would keep you awake.

During the day, his guard was discreetly up. He carried carefree conversations as if unbothered, but those well-trained feathers of his were on constant guard. Really, he never had a moment to breathe. This was something you never would have understood the depths of if you weren't woken by his anxiety in the midst of the night. The anxiety he kept bottled during the day often let itself out in the form of night terrors. He'd mumble. Roll. His wings would twitch over you. His face would morph into an agonized expression, and he chirped in distress. A good, gentle shake was usually all it took to pull him out of the bad dream.

That night his nerves reared their head, though in an unorthodox way. Apparently, you did fall asleep, because you awoke with a small grumble when you felt the mattress groan, followed by a heavy weight draping over your body. You let out a long whine of displeasure, but the weight just got heavier. You turned your head and opened your eyes to find Hawks, but he wasn't gasping in his sleep. He laid over you, wings puffed but flat on either side of your bed as he stared at the bedroom door.

"Hawks? You're squishing me."

He didn't answer or turn to look at you. Those sharp eyes of his danced around in panic, his feathers raised as they sensed every small movement in your apartment. You dropped your head back onto your pillow with a sigh.

"What's the matter?" you pondered.

"Shh," he hummed. "I felt something…"

You laid and listened for a short while, but all you could hear was the lady in the apartment above you walking across her floor.

"It's my neighbor."

"What if it's not?"

Whether the display was the primal instruction from the bird in him to protect his mate or if it was a by-product of the harsh reality of the life he lived, you weren't sure. Either way, his calm and almost lazy facade cracked. When the world was quiet and his feathers could sense every mundane movement in your apartment, his anxiety that those small bumps in the night might be something that could hurt you overwhelmed him.

The little display was an annoyance to your sleep-deprived brain, but his first thought in the midst of his worry was to protect you. That spared him from your groggy wrath.

"Lay down, McNugget. There's no one there," you grumbled, but he didn't turn his head away from the door.

Feeling your hand on his face seemed to snap him back into the moment, even if just a little. He leaned into you and encased you in his wings. It felt like a protective gesture, but the warmth you found beneath them made you hum pleasantly. The fluffy white cloth of his hoodie rubbed your cheeks as he cuddled into you. Well, actually, it was your hoodie.

At one time it was just some old thing you'd snagged from a thrift store on a chilly day. It was much too large for you, though. When Hawks came into your life later on, you'd cut holes out of the back and hemmed it up. That way he'd have a little something to throw on when it got chilly at your place. He never said it out loud, but he loved the thing. He'd go looking for it if you didn't leave it laying out in the living room.

"I know you usually have a lot to be afraid of, but you don't have to worry about protecting me. I'm a badass, remember?" you whispered into the shell of his ear. His shoulders relaxed just a bit, and he puffed out a little chuckle.

"Yeah, I know. I just… I want you to be safe. That's all."

Your gaze softened, though he couldn't see it in the darkness. You didn't need Hawks to protect you. You didn't need a hero. You needed a best friend; a lover. Between the both of you, he was the one in most need of saving.

"Shh," you hummed gently. Your hair lifted from your pillow and danced slowly around your face as if gravity was lost to you. He scrunched his nose as your locks brushed his cheeks, and his wings settled flat as a ring rose from the floor around your bed. The translucent wall came together above your bodies to form a hard, bubble shell.

"You've been the hero long enough. Let me be the protector tonight,” you said. His throat bobbed against your shoulder as his arms wound around you. He settled, but you still felt his unease.

“What’s got your feathers ruffled?”

“You shouldn’t have to protect me,” he said. His voice was muffled since his mouth was pressed into your skin, but you still heard the sadness in it. “I should be taking care of you.”

You blinked as you soaked in his words. For a year you pined for such romantic things to come out of his mouth. Of course he’d wait for a night like that night to say such sickeningly sweet things. The future that used to feel so full of mystery and excitement had become dangerous, uncertain, and disappointing.

“You don’t have to be the hero every time,” you replied.

“But if I’m not a hero, what am I?”

His question was an echo of your fears. The ambient light from your window filtered dimly into your forcefield, but your eyes couldn’t adjust with tears in them.

“I don't know if I have the answer you're looking for, but... Do you remember when I was in the hospital?" you asked. "When you first came to see me you brought a twenty-piece box of chicken nuggets, and while I was trying to eat one you laughed until you were crying because it looked vaguely like a penis.”

“Vaguely? It had balls and everything,” he recalled, and you rolled your watering eyes.

“Whatever. It was stupid, but it was the first time I laughed since I was trapped in that hospital. And, well… when they said I’d never walk again you helped me out of bed. I cried myself to sleep some nights, but you were there, still trying to save me. You were trying to be a hero then, too, but you became my best friend. If nothing else, that's what you’ll always be to me.”

A sound came out of him akin to laughter. You shot him a look, then hooked your finger under his chin. You wanted to see his dumb grin when you berated him for poking fun at you. When his eyes met yours, though, they weren’t crinkled with laughter. They were red and watering.

“Oh, Hawks,” you breathed, and he tucked his face back into your arm to hide his vulnerability. He never cried before. At least not in front of you. He was always the immovable one, virtuous and strong. Moments like this reminded you just how human he was beneath it all.

“I’m right here. I’ve got you,” you assured him in a whisper. Gentle promises spilled from your lips like lullabies, and he clung to every word with heart-breaking desperation. You whispered every sweet nothing you could think of to ease his pain, but you didn’t have that kind of power.

You had no power at all.

His world always seemed scary to you. You feared for his life every day, but the thought of him being ripped from your arms overwhelmed you that night more than it ever had before. The protective bubble that encased your bed would keep him safe for as long as you could fight sleep, but what of the morning? You’d be safe at home, and he’d be lost somewhere in the dangerous fray of his duties. Far away from your warmth and the apartment he found so much comfort in.

This would not be the last time you held him. You had to believe that, but what if it was? What if this sleepless night was your last together?

Tell him you love him, you thought to yourself. Tell him before you never get the chance again.

You bit your lip as you felt his trembling breaths on your collar. You prepared your lips for the taste of the confession, but he was so vulnerable, more so than he may have ever been before. He didn’t need you to tell him about your affections, he needed you to use them.

You placed a reassuring crown of kisses along his forehead, and he gripped you so hard his knuckles were surely white.

When you’d cried as a child, your mother would lay in your bed and sing lullabies until you fell asleep. Your voice was untrained and awkward compared to hers, but you tried your best to use it. Your off-key tune echoed back to you in the dome of your forcefield, and your cheeks pinkened with how childlike it sounded. Your embarrassment interrupted your lullaby. He stirred against your chest.

“Don’t stop,” he said. “Please, sing to me.”

You cleared your throat as you gathered the courage to start again. His eyes fell closed as your song settled into the safety of your shield. His feathers relaxed, and his face went slack as sleep slowly overtook him. You sang until his tears stopped flowing. You sang until he was asleep in your arms. For as long as you could, you laid awake. If you succumbed to sleep, so would your forcefield. So would your promise to keep him protected through the night. As time moved slowly forward, sleep inevitably began to settle into you, too. It was as terrifying and as peaceful as death.

“I love you,” you whimpered as you felt your eyes grow too heavy to fight back open. “Please… stay safe.”

Credits:

A massive thank you to my wonderful friend and editor, @fuwafuwagem! If you thought the fic looked especially polished, it’s thanks to her efforts!

Also a big thank you to my buddies and beta readers: @dendriticheep and @narcolepticroses! Thanks you guys for being such sweet friends to me ;u;

And a huge thanks to YOU, for reading !

Authors Note:

I’d love to do a lot more fanfictions like these! If you have any suggestions or requests for animations or animated stories like this one feel free to submit it to me!

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jjeons · 4 years ago

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content creator year in review ♡ tagged by @ajusnice @userjiminie @offtodef @jinvant @honsool @kooksv @jsuga @lifegoesmon @jiminslight @hobibestboy

tysm for tagging me it was so fun to go through your posts you talented lovely peopleee 🥰♥

— first creation of 2020

this jungkook set from winter package akdnfdj (but this other one was next day and it’s one of my fav moments and also cuter.....so i can pretend)

— most recent creation?

jungkook’s log recap! sad i didn’t manage to make anything for tae’s bday this year either.. i want to start making more gifs on here again hhh

— a favourite creation of 2020?

this jungkook still with you post 🥺 it’s nothing amazing but i wanted to make something for the song. also this dynamite post .

— a creation to be proud of?

the ones i mentioned above akjndn!! but just to add smth different i could say these jungkook and tae comps bcs it took me ages to get them to look cohesive 😭 i don’t rly like the jk colouring anymore but at least they match

— a new style to be proud of?

i never really had a style but i learned vapoursynth and life is easier for sure

— a creation which took forever?

everything i make takes forever because i’m so slow and indecisive :D but the blep tae gifset i mentioned above has been in my drafts since last year so i guess that one wins

— 2020 creation with the most notes?

this set of tae just being gorgeous which mood

— a creation which deserved more notes?

the still with you post :( but i did expect it to flop so it’s okay

— a new fandom you joined this year and your creation for it?

i actually got into got7 and more recently the boyz kjfngn but i only made gifs for got7 and this jaebeom set! i didn’t like it when i posted but now i think it’s kinda cute fjkdngk

— a creation that you made that breaks your heart?

so i don’t repeat myself i will go for jungkook in the alphabet interview. makes me lose it every time AND this heartbreaking taekook moment

— a simple creation you love?

this tae set which is SO simple i didn’t even colour much but he’s just dreamy. also this jungkook set i guess. i also liked the idea from this hobi set idk much about the execution but!

— a creation inspired by someone else?

my still with you set was inspired by the talented @girlonpanic !!

— a favourite creation created by someone else?

ah there were so many beautiful ones :( this made me realise i should’ve tagged faves sighh. these are some i could find searching my blog

@jiminfilter jimin core set (the whole series though) // @mapofbts black swan set // @joenns dream boy sets 🥺 that go straight in my dream boy tag // @yoongikook bangtan art movements series // @joeguk intros set // @jinvant jin gfx was just sexy (despite our ongoing feud) // @ofkimtaehyung tae gfx // @jaebam come on gfx // @jsuga snow flower gfx which i first saw while typing this but!! pretty // @syubb jungkook gfx // @offtodef jaebeom gfx // @slipped-away

— some of your favorite content creators from the year

everyone mentioned above and everyone who tagged me ❤ + @oncupid @jung-koook @junghosoks @axizzles @tuanzie @wabisaba @gotseventeens @jbums @1of1orbit @ljaebeom @varietae @taemaknae @jjeongukks @jjungcooks @jjoon @dejune @taemines @taeguks @taehyungland @taeyungie @kimnamtaejin @everythingoes @kim-taehyung @jiminrolls @dazzlingkai @btsbee @faerieth @namgination @jimint @innerchildsgf @jmin @gwkie @yoonqiful @eternal-bangtan @ohjiminn (this is me urging you to come back :D)

tagging: everyone mentioned in this post is automatically tagged ofcc only if you want to 💗

#this took me so longg rip #i really wish i had a faves tag but there were so many beautiful creations #and i love everything my mutuals post naturally...#im sorry if i missed anyone i tried not to but i also follow a bunch of inactive blogs so 😭😭#tagged

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i-am-just-a-kiddo · 4 years ago

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2020 content creator review

i was tagged by @vishcount as usual, thank you 💕 i answered the questions below the cut, and everyone that is tagged is there too, if you just wanna skip my ramblings and go straight down there. (also gosh i hope all the links work rip)

1. first creation and most recent creation of 2020:

this lan wangji oneshot, apparently. i can’t remember when i actually wrote it, but my ao3 tells me i posted it in january 2020. i remember i just wanted to explore lwj’s time of mourning and dive into his mind of that time, even if it made me eternally sad?

my most recent 2020 creation that is public, is the second chapter to this casmund/edmund character study fic i started writing in 2016. i did not expect to return to that but rewatching the narnia movies did that to me. i guess it’s one of those ever-returning fandoms

2. one of your favorite creations from 2020:

my niemo (nie huaisang/mo xuanyu) fic, no question. diving into this, i fully knew that this pairing probably has a tiny audience and honestly, i did not expect to churn out 30k for them. god. am still suffering because why the fuck did i do that to myself (and everyone reading). thank you vishie for standing by me all the time.

3. a new style you tried this year and a gifset edit that uses it:

my historical taegi AU set in silla korea - i don’t think it’s actually a new style writing-wise, but it was an entirely different process of creating. i did a week of only research, diving into amounts of academic texts and sources to figure out my frame and setting. it was so much fun and in the end, with everything i learned, it felt like the fic was only just the ‘by-product’ of my research. though i must say, writing the story itself was challenging in a very different way, by that i mean that the characters made me furious and yet i had to write it like that cause i like to suffer :)

as for gifset, am not sure? i can’t think of any so i am just linking the daechwita mv cause it’s iconic. i guess this mv is more joseon inspired, while my setting was silla somewhere between the end of 7th and beginning of 8th century; but it was the final straw to finally make me write that historical taegi au i always wanted to write with hwarang tae. also this mv inspired me to have yoongi as a tyrannical king cause why not amirite?

4. a creation to be proud of:

my wei wuxian oneshot during burial mounds; i had a lot of fun writing him and projecting all my nightmares onto him. i went in without a plan and ended up with something i am actually quite proud of? it gave me so much space and room to just...pour out my words and not worry too much about anything else.

5. a creation that took forever:

my post-canon wangxian adventure or qinghe chaos, as i lovingly call it. i think i started writing it in november 2019? not entirely sure about that, i only know it took ages. i wanted to create a whole new political environment, as it takes place somewhere around 70 years after canon (they wanna be immortal, shut up) and it was fun thinking of new challenges and new obstacles that face the new generation of cultivators. unfortunately i did not have the capacity to write a full blown political conflict. that’s why i never really incorporated all my thoughts into the story itself, but hey, if anyone has questions i have notes (and vishie, once again, is the most blessed person to plot with me, ily)

6. your creation from 2020 that received the most notes:

am gonna measure this by kudos on ao3 in that case, which would be the aforementioned lwj oneshot Cold Moon, Long Nights Moon. I feel incredibly fond of it and i’m really happy that people liked it. it feels special somehow and i just want to thank everyone who read that and liked it.

7. a creation you think deserved more notes:

oh i wrote many fics that year for smaller fandoms, which makes me grateful for every single feedback i received. i think i had hoped my previously mentioned historical AU would receive more, but it’s okay because i still loved it.

another one is this princess sook myung/ah roh fic that i wrote for my ‘make hwarang gay again’ series. i finally finished this show and it furstrated me so much - the gay potential that went to waste, the horrendous writing for female characters. i liked the chemistry between ah roh and the princess, and yes i get it, it’s a rare pair and this fandom is kinda dead, but. the girls deserve their shine and love (though still, i am grateful for every single kudos i receive and i am still proud of it)

8. a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it:

i joined many new fandoms this year for which i wrote, but i want to mention my shang xirui character study for winter begonia, because it was very interesting to explore that? and i had fun too, it was one of the first things i properly wrote after my hiatus, so i felt quite proud. also once again, this fandom has way too little content and the show is underrated.

9. a creation you made that breaks your heart:

i wanna mention two here. first is this wen ning & song lan oneshot that was a pure joy and also very sad to write. i just love these two so much, and i love them together even more. i have many thoughts how much comfort they could give each other and believe me, i have many more that i want to explore in the future.

the second one is the mu nihuang & xiao jingyan oneshot i wrote for the nirvana in fire gift exchange 2020. it broke my heart, but at the same time it felt like something was healing too? it hurt at the pain both characters go through, but i also felt fond that maybe, they were not alone.

10. a ‘simple’ creation that you really love:

hmm there are a few, i mostly want to mention my fei liu character study? it has no plot or anything, it is just an exploration of his mind and thoughts, which was an absolute joy to write and somehow so easy.

i also quite like the yyy series i started - maybe i can write more for these two because they somehow give me the feels.

11. a favorite creation created by someone else:

alright here we go folks:

first i want to mention my dearest @vishcount because newsflash!!! i am the biggest fan. of course i need to mention your wondeful, stunning, breathtaking masterpiece that is your xicheng novel (and yes it is a novel, i say so). it is still ongoing and you started it in 2019, but i need to mention it here because it truly is something that is lifechanging. i feel so blessed that i get the front seats and vip access to all the updates, to all your thoughts and ideas. you go through a lot with it and i am never not proud of you ❤️ another one i want to mention is this wei wuxian & mo xuanyu oneshot you wrote for me because i am still crying about it. i have no words. honourable mentions: your easter islanders (lan wangji and jiang cheng) and this xicheng soulmate au

another creator i want to mention is @the-cloud-whisperer and their nirvana in fire fic Heroic Woman（烈婦） , which is absolutely wonderful. i found you through your ATLA fics (which i adore) and saw you posting about nirvana in fire and this year, finally, i watched the show and was blown away. i love your other NIF fics too, but this one feels very special because i always thought li yang’s character was so incredibly fascinating. thank you for writing this 💕

for more other creations just look at my bookmarks on ao3, there is the untamed, nirvana in fire, yyy the series, hwarang, winter begonia and original sin (from 2020 and many more if you scroll further) please give everyone i mentioned love!!!!!

12. your favorite content creators and blogs that you appreciate:

oh boy here we go. once again @vishcount, @the-cloud-whisperer, @intyalote, @sassyassassy, @isabellaofparma, @passionpeachy, @finny-red, @guzhuangheaven @honeyiling, @holmesandwhatson @bloody-bee-tea, @leoyunxi, @gusucloud, @ohsehuns and many many more that must slip my mind.

all of you, consider yourself tagged in this game and even if we never spoke to each other, i greatly appreciate all of you and i want to give some love. if you feel like doing this, i hope you can have fun! 💕

#phew #another one done #all my usual suspects must be tired of me dfghj #but this is so lovely and fun #thanks dear #tag game #personal #2020 #writing

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pearlprynne · 4 years ago

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creator year in review!!!

i was tagged by @afolksongs to do a content creator year in review (thank you so much!!!!!! i’m new to editing so it means a lot that you tagged me <3 <3 <3)

first creation and most recent creation of 2020:

ok so my first creation was this folklore + my favorite lyrics and my most recent was this cowboy like me one!! they’re both pretty recent bc i didn’t really start making edits until like september of this year lol

one of your favorite creations from 2020:

i think my favorite from this year is this new folklore chapter edit i did for the tscreators november event! i loved the prompt bc it allowed me to branch out and look at some songs in a completely different light

a creation you’re really proud of:

ok so this one was also part of the tscreators november event, a ts greatest hits album concept. looking back, it kinda looks like reputation more than anything else but i’m proud of this one bc it made me branch out and explore the tools available on the website i use to make edits

a new style you tried this year and a gifset that uses it:

i’m still pretty new at this and i’m trying to find my own style, so i’ve got a mix of styles from this year! i’m gonna go with this little title tracks edit i made back in september bc i think it’s pretty cute! that being said, it’s the second one i ever made and if i made it now i’d probaby do some things differently :/

your creation from 2020 that received the most notes:

definitely the folklore and evermore + names edit. it’s the post that’s received the most notes on my blog ever, let alone edits, which was kind of a blessing and a curse bc it had some inaccuracies in it when i initially posted it (i’ve edited it since). but i’m glad it worked out bc i’m pretty sure it’s all fixed now thanks to some friendly swifties and i’ve gotten some new mutuals from it! <3

a creation with a favorite scene/quote:

i’ve got a little series of edits with some of my favorite lyrics, but i’m gonna pick debut + my favorite lyrics for this just bc i don’t think debut gets the love she deserves! it may not be her best album, but it’s still a really good album and she doesn’t get her credit (also stream cold as you)

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it:

it’s not really a new fandom per say, but since i’ve started making edits i’ve only made taylor ones, so i’ll drop lover + my favorite lyrics here. i’ve been pretty obsessed with the walking dead for the past couple months (quarantine reignited my love for the comics) so i’m sure when i figure out what i wanna do i’ll make some edits for that. still not really new but new to editing lol

a creation you made that breaks your heart:

i think i’m gonna say the new folklore chapter edit again! i tried to create a narrative for augustine (august?) where she thinks james is the one but that doesn’t really go anywhere and she becomes kind of jaded. i love august, it’s one of my favorite songs from folklore, but it’s kind of a sad song even though it’s pretty upbeat compared to the rest of the album

a ‘simple’ creation that you really love:

i’m gonna say this lover as speak now edit that i made for the tscreators november event! i think this edit is so pretty, even though it’s not crazy complicated (although that might be bc i love that time 100 gala dress)

a creation that was inspired by another one (add both your creation and the one that inspired it!):

back when folklore first dropped, i saw this beautiful edit by @follkllores with their favorite lyrics from each song, which inspired me to make an edit with my favorite folklore lyrics, kickstarting my hobby of making edits! so thank you, follkllores, for making it, it’s really pretty and i love all the pictures you chose for each song!

a favorite creation created by someone else:

ok so i’m gonna name a few bc there are some insanely talented editors in the ts fandom, but first of all this cowboy like me collage by @youdrewstars1237 is beautiful!!! i also really love these folklore posters by @tayorswift i think they’re so cute and creative, especially the mad woman one! this taylor + literary allusions one by @nothinglikeamadwoman is also phenomenal! i love the concept, and the gifs are gorgeous!

some of your favorite content creators from the year:

ok so i’m just gonna tag everyone i mentioned above bc they’re definitely all my favorites, they’re all super talented and everyone should take a look at their work!

#tag game #thank you again for tagging me!!!#also anyone who wants to do it go for it!!!#long post

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softjeon · 5 years ago

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Drown in me | Pt. 2

• Pairing: Pirate!Yoongi x Siren!Jungkook • Genre: Angst, Fluff | Pirate!AU / Siren!AU ( → Gifset Trailer) • Words: 11k | written with @cassiavioletblue • Disclaimer: mentioning of blood, alcohol, abuse, nsfw content

↳ “When I sing…people do weird things. Strange things happen.” Yoongi laughed awkwardly but stopped right away when he realized that Jungkook was serious about what he had said. This wasn’t a scared little boy trying to make use of some fairytale to scare the captain of the ship he’s been brought on into submission. He believed what he said.

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The darkness had pulled him under, letting him forget for a few hours. Jungkook had always loved his dreams. They were vivid, colorful - everything that he imagined his life to be. But when he woke, there was nothing of it left and the feelings were replaced with sadness and the beautiful, melodic sounds were now heavy rain drumming rhythmically onto the deck of the ship.

Jungkook sighed, rubbing his neck in pain, when his gaze fell onto Yoongi. The pirate was still sleeping in his bed, looking as peaceful as one could be. Biting his lip, the young siren got up and tip toed over to him. His heart beating fast, as he hovered over him for a moment, wondering how someone as cruel as a pirate could look so soft in his sleep.

You could never rest as a pirate, not really. Crewmembers would steal each other’s part of the treasure or just play tricks on each other however, as the captain Yoongi’s had it a little worse. If someone came into his room at night then he wouldn’t have to fear tricks or stolen gold. Mutiny wasn’t uncommon on pirate ships. But they would never get him. He always slept prepared and he had never been a light sleeper.

His instincts kicked in the moment the dark shadow fell over him and he gripped whoever was hovering above him, pulling him down roughly and rolling on top of him, the knife he always wore close in his free hand pressing down on the intruders throat. The adrenaline kicked in a second after his instinct and Yoongi blinked a few times to clear the haze from his mind. A headache hit him when he saw who he had caught there. “What are you doing?” His voice was a little slurred, some parts of him having a little more difficulty to wake up. “Trying to taste some pirate after all?” He only realized after how suggestive it sounded and added with a chuckle, “I think I could arrange something for you then…”

The squeal got choked off and Jungkook bared his neck on instinct when the knife blade was dangerously close to his skin. “You…you just looked so peaceful…and soft. I wanted to wake you up, but you were faster,” Jungkook’s eyes stared up at the pirate, blinking a couple of times in confusion when it hit what the other had suggested. He blushed hard, writhing his body under the weight of Yoongi on top of him, “N-no thank you. Could you please…”

“Wait -,“ The pirate kept the younger from wiggling out under him, “Are you.. blushing? I thought being seductive would be siren territory. What do you bewitch people for if not for food or sex? Or am I not your type? Sorry, all male crews are the norm at sea.” The blush was still evident on his cheeks when Jungkook rolled his eyes. “You still don’t get it, huh?” Jungkook sighed, before he pointed at himself, “I am half human, half siren. At least that’s what I think is right. I don’t want to bewitch people.” He averted his gaze, “I had to, yes, for food. But I had nothing else…” Then he blushed some more, biting his lip to keep from saying anything that could be held against him.

“Nothing else, hm?” So close to him Yoongi could count the long lashes that were framing his dark doe like eyes, fluttering against peachy skin whenever he blinked. Getting bold he brushed his thumb over the younger’s soft, rosy lips, “I’ll tell you a secret, beautiful. You don’t even need to use your voice to bewitch someone. All you have to do is bat those eyelashes and look at a person with your big brown eyes and they’ll be gone for you.” A shiver had run down his spine, when Yoongi had touched him like that. For a moment Jungkook swore he was the one getting lost in Yoongi’s eyes, their roles reversed, when he snapped out of it pretty quickly.

Yoongi patted his cheek, “Just don’t let them know you're half-fish. Not everyone likes that.” Realizing he still had the knife on Kook’s throat he quickly put it away. “Oh! Sorry about that. Habit I guess.” He got up and then looked at Jungkook, “How’s your leg?”

The siren hastily got up and walked over to the couch again, as if it was his safe spot. “I’m not a fish,” Jungkook murmured under his breath. To answer Yoongi’s question, the younger pulled his leg up, soothing over his now flawless, unscared skin. When he let the pants fall again, Jungkook plopped down onto the couch. “Can I drink something, please?” He looked up, but Yoongi was still staring at him as if he’d seen a ghost appear or a magic trick happening, “Oh…yeah, the healing thing…that’s something I can apparently do, too. Comes in pretty handy.” He tried to sound as normal and calm as possible, chuckling awkwardly, not wanting to scare the captain again, so he would hurt him. “Please don’t tie me up again.”

Yoongi stared at him, a queasy feeling in his gut, joking around with the younger made you forget how powerful he was. Self-healing! If only he could use it somehow, an injury at sea could be so much more deadly just because they weren’t on land with sterile equipment and bandages and he’s had people die from a cut and the following infection. Maybe he could use Jungkook’s blood…

The younger’s pleading comment had him stop his thoughts right there. If he started to experiment on Jungkook because of his powers then he was no better than the men who had tried to cut him up to look for scales.

“Show me.” His voice was soft when he came over, but he could still see the fear in the boys dark eyes even though he tried to hide it. Frozen he sat in front of him as if he was scared that each and any movement might cause Yoongi to freak out on him. He sighed, “It’s okay. I won’t tie you up again unless you start to sing or harm anyone on this ship in any other way. Deal?” Then he kneeled down, peeling the pants back up until he could see where the injury had been. He stared on it, the smooth skin where absolutely no trace was left. Confused he stroked over the flawless thigh where only hours ago there had been a jarred, ugly cut. His eyes narrowed as he look up at Jungkook again, “I don’t get it. You have so much power - why didn’t you just enslave us from the very beginning? The moment I came down to see you on that ship you could have started singing and get me under your control. And with me you would have been in charge of the ship, of the whole crew. Why let us take you like this?”

It felt awkwardly intimate, the way Yoongi was soothing over his skin, staring up at him. Jungkook gulped, refusing the urge to reach out for the captain and to pull a string of hair behind his ear. “I was scared,” He admitted, “And I was exhausted and dehydrated. I could barely make out your face.” Smiling faintly, Jungkook begun to explain, “I am still learning about my abilities, about the songs, their effects...there’s only so much that I know, and I don’t want to hurt people.” Jungkook averted his gaze a little, fumbling around with the hem of his shirt, “And you’ve been too many. As I know only so much, maybe one of you could have still overwhelmed me. I’m not dumb.” Shaking his head lightly, the young man gazed back at Yoongi, “I would have never showed you at dinner, but my heart thought maybe...you’d understand. I really thought you wanted to. For a split second...then I was just the monster again. And humans always fear what they don’t understand, claiming ownership and try to cage it in to overpower it. But I’m used to it by now.” He chuckled humorlessly, “You don’t even want to know, believe me.” His smile seemed tired and Jungkook looked down to his hands, sunken in on himself as if he awaited another blow, to be tied up again, to be called monster - anything, really.

Yoongi swallowed harshly, his heart aching for the younger. He looked so lost like this. He could practically see how he had stomped out the spark of hope to be accepted, to be treated like a human being when he had tied Jungkook to the mast, leaving him to the mercy of his men. He had never done it if he had known what they would do! Another part of his mind perked up, the one aching for control, the one that had gotten him though dangerous situations without a scratch, and it was telling him that he shouldn't listen, that Jungkook was only playing games with him to bewitch him more easily when he had fully recovered. The siren had said it himself he wasn't able to harm them all if he was exhausted, so the best thing would be to have him starving again, to have him sleep deprived and weak until he was no danger to them anymore and then maybe Yoongi could control him, make him show him the way to the treasure, maybe find out how he managed to heal himself so quickly…

Something of it must have shown on his face because when Jungkook looked up there was pain in his eyes, as if Yoongi had already done it; pushed him back into the dark, hurting him until there was barely anything left of him. It hurt, just to think about it while seeing those emotions in Jungkook's eyes. He had to decide, either he chose the safe and cruel path and then stuck with it no matter what - or he would choose to believe him, to trust him and take the risk of losing his ship and life after all those Years…

Yoongi got up, placing a hand against Jungkook's throat, softly, just barely there. "You say you don't want to hurt anyone, but you would right? If you hadn't been gagged up there you would have defended yourself by killing my men. Or.. if I said I wanted to look for scales on your body too...especially now that I know how quickly you heal. What would you do?" He held Jungkook's chin up so that the younger had to look at him unless he wanted to close his eyes.

Jungkook gasped from the sudden change, breathing quickly, eyes widened in fear. “I,” Jungkook choked, his hand reaching out for Yoongi’s shirt, “I don’t kill...I...wouldn’t hurt.” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. It was risky, he knew that - all of it was, but what kind of choice did he have? “I’d made them fall asleep, not harm them...so they let go of me.” Jungkook blinked up, baring his neck more as he tried to breathe. “I can make people just fall asleep.”

"That's all?" Yoongi let go of him. He wasn't entirely convinced - but he would probably never trust anyone a hundred percent. Which came with being a pirate and especially a Captain of them. But it was good enough for him. Honestly he had thought that Jungkook would at least try something when he was threatened that's why he had been so close to his throat to cut off his voice if necessary. But instead Jungkook had just kept talking, despite the threat of possibly being skinned alive by Yoongi.

"Good enough. I think we can come to an agreement, you and I." He patted Jungkook's shoulder and then furrowed his brows. "Wait…" He placed two fingers under Jungkook's chin, more gently this time, turning the youngers head from side to side. When he still wasn't satisfied he trailed a finger carefully down Jungkook's neck, from his jaw down to his shoulders. Then he looked at Kook directly, confusion written all over his face, "You don't have any gills! How do you breathe underwater? Or are they..?" He let his gaze trail over Jungkook's body, lingering on his ribs. You could see how much he wanted to find out, but he didn't undress Jungkook like his crew members had done but left it to the younger to answer.

Jungkook sighed, closing his eyes to keep the frustration from spilling over. “I’m not a fish.” He snapped his eyes open, “I am a good swimmer and I am good at holding my breath underwater, but I am not a fish, nor am I a mermaid. No scales, no gills. When will you all get it?” He rolled his eyes and leaned back on the couch in exhaustion from the constant back and forth of feeling kind of safe and then in danger again. What Yoongi said about an agreement made Jungkook cock up an eyebrow though. Would he get caged in again? Would the pirate sell him? Enslave him? He gulped heavily, before asking, “Agreement? What do you mean…”

“I mean you give me your scales and…” He chuckled when Jungkook’s eyes narrowed. “I’m joking. I got it; you just have human skin.” Which was way too soft and flawless and alluring but that meant something else entirely. “I’ll be honest with you. We are both in a pretty uncomfortable situation here. Half of my sailors think you’re too dangerous to be on the ship and the other half thinks your useful. But right now, you aren’t. You don’t know anything about a treasure, and you can only heal yourself, right?” He made a pause so that Jungkook could deny it if he wanted but he didn’t, “So right now you’re just another mouth to feed. Even if it’s a pretty one.” He would have liked to find another reason to touch the boy’s lips - preferably with his own. Though he wasn’t stupid, kissing a siren had probably the same effect that hearing them sing.

“Maybe you can be helpful though. I’d like you to tell me everything you’re capable of, just tell me everything that’s special about you. Your strength, your weaknesses.. everything. If I feel like you are honest with me then I might start to trust you enough to roam the ship more freely. Though I’d advise you to either have me or Namjoon close by, for your own safety.” He absentmindedly played with the pendant he was wearing, already thinking how he could make us of the siren’s powers. “And if we find a way to make you useful for the ship - in a way in which we are both comfortable - then you might get payment in a form that’s open to discussion. Gold or goods or services … or fish,” He ended with a smirk.

Jungkook furrowed his brows, “You want me to be...a pirate? Or you will kill me? Well, great, thanks...you could also just drop me off on the next island?” He raised his eyebrows, laughing inwardly about his own weak attempt to escape in a peaceful way. Jungkook sighed, pulling his legs in on the couch. “I know just as much about that stupid treasure as you guys know. You read the notes, right? Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about a map or where to find it. Maybe one needs a real siren for it?”

Licking over his lips nervously, he tried to suppress the memories of sleepless night in which the captain had tried to get every piece of information from him - in way that he didn’t want to think about anymore. He shuddered, lost in his thoughts for a moment.

“I have my voice,” Jungkook began to explain, “With which I can make people do...mostly everything that I want them to. The outcome depends on what I sing...and not every song makes you go crazy, but it will affect your emotions.” He looked at Yoongi, who was listening so attentively that it felt too easy to tell him all about himself. No one had ever listened to him. “Don’t ask me where I know the songs from. I just do. Sometimes it feels like an echo, as if I remember them from a past life. Or like as if my mother sang them to me, but I never had one.” Jungkook shrugged it off as if it was nothing, continuing, “I can make you fall asleep deeply. The softest sleep you’d ever experience. Nothing will wake you, not even a knife in your chest would wake you again if I want you to. You’d just bleed out while you’re still asleep. I heal faster than other humans and I figured I can adapt to water environments, like temperature and pressure more easily. So, if you ever have a treasure sunken deep down in the water, i’m your man.” Jungkook winked at the captain playfully before returning to a serious expression. “I have suppressed my abilities for a long time. There was never anyone who explained it to me. Do you know how scary that is as a kid? I am still figuring everything out...honestly, if I could, I would have brought those stupid sailors to the mirror, so I can take a peak myself.”

“I didn’t say anything about you becoming a pirate - or me threatening to kill you by the way. Are sirens always so dramatic?” He huffed but then his expression softened. Jungkook sounded so lost while he was talking, not quite bitter just as is he had accepted that he was something in between, something no one would want. “Of course, you had a mom, stupid. Did no one explain you how babies work?” He teased him slightly because he couldn’t stand to see the younger’s smile so sad and his eyes so empty. “I never met mine and look where it got me! Born in a whorehouse and now I have my own ship and more gold than I weight. And before you ask, no I’m not skinny on purpose so that I can say this.” He gave the younger a crooked smile. “Well, in case we really can’t find a purpose for you then at least you can make me sleep when I tell you to battle my insomnia and you could bring me pretty seashells.” His brows furrowed. “Or is it addictive? Will I fall in love with you after I heard your song? Oh fuck, is everyone in my crew in love with…” He broke off. They had tried to cut him up so apparently not. Yoongi rubbed his neck awkwardly and rephrased the question, “Are there any side effects of your…gift?” He really hoped that what the younger was assuming wasn’t true and that only a full on siren could find the treasure. “Hm, maybe you could help us find a real siren then? Have you ever met one?” He shuddered thinking about what they would be capable of if Jungkook was the half-version.

Jungkook shook his head, “I don’t know if it’s addicting. No one was around me for too long that I know. I keep myself from singing or using my abilities as much as I can. I don’t want to accidentally be charged for murder and get hung just because I thought work was easier while humming a song.” Jungkook chuckled humorlessly, before adding, “I haven’t. But I can try…if that is what will keep me alive on here and you won’t tie me up, then I will let you use my abilities and will only do so if you tell me to. As long as you don’t order me to kill anyone myself…”

“Don’t worry little fish, I won’t tie you up anymore - at least not in a way you won’t enjoy.” His smirk got dirty while he winked at Kook. Hearing that Jungkook had no idea about his long term effects on people simply because they never stayed was pretty sad - it also made the crew his guinea pigs. Though if putting up with that risk meant that he got to keep Kook on his ship then he’d be fine with it. “Again, don’t be dramatic! I don’t kill people for no reason so even if you say no to everything you wouldn’t be killed. I’m a simple guy, you hurt me then I hurt you back. Apart from that you’ll be fine. Ah and don’t steal my food. I can get pretty pissed about that.”

The youngers eyes lit up for a moment and he smiled brightly, “I can be your secret weapon!” He clapped his hands together in excitement, “People will fear you even more.” Jungkook’s excitement about being a ‘secret weapon’ was downright adorable to Yoongi. “Yes, you’ll be my pretty little weapon, baby.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened. His heart skipping a beat when the nickname slipped from Yoongi’s lip and the pirate looked at him in amusement. Did his stomach just do somersaults because the captain called him ‘baby’? Jungkook gulped, trying to ignore the blush on his cheeks.

He thanked Yoongi again, for trusting him enough to keep him untied and got even rewarded with a breakfast soon after. Recognizing the tall man, Jungkook’s eyes widened when he saw the tray filled with fresh fruits and bread. “Jin figured you want to eat in your cabin today,” Namjoon spoke softly, eyeing Jungkook for a moment and then gave him the tray. The younger immediately took it from him, bringing it back to the couch where he sat on the floor, munching happily and gulping down the grape juice quickly. Leaning against the doorframe, the pirate turned back to his captain, “The crew is waiting for orders. Are we still sailing towards Bequia? They are getting impatient.”

“Yes, we are still sailing towards that mini island. Where else should we go? I haven’t figured out how to get to that magical treasure and till I found out we’ll stay on course.” He lowered his voice a little further, “Don’t tell the others but I think I can get Jungkook on our side. He’s not half as dangerous as I thought he is. But he could be quite useful to us. I’d like to keep him close, not just because of what they did to him up there. I hope I can trust you to protect him in case I’m not around. He’s valuable to me. To us. And his abilities aside he’s just a scared, lonely boy who had been treated with nothing but cruelty. So, if we show him a little kindness he might open up to us. And maybe he knows more than he’s aware of himself. But we’ll see.” Yoongi smiled. They were on an adventure. He could feel it from the tingling in his fingertips to the heavy beating in his chest.

…

Jungkook yawned for the nth time today. As much as he loved not being tied down, being stuck in the captain’s cabin was just as boring. Yoongi had still locked the door when he left him here and Jungkook was to himself again, while they were preparing whatever. He didn’t blame the captain for locking him in though. At least it sounded like as if they were preparing something upstairs. He had heard about how they talked about sailing to an island but Jungkook didn’t know what for. Was he about to witness another hijack? A robbing? Leaning his head against the arm rest, Jungkook blinked up at the wooden ceiling, listening quietly to the stomps of the men and crashing of waves against the side of the ship. Sighing deeply, he stretched his neck a little to see out of the porthole. The sun was setting low on the horizon, dipping into the ocean softly until it was gone, and the night was taking over. It was when Jungkook noticed the sudden silence, furrowing his brows as he sat up. There were footsteps coming closer and his heart stopped, and he held his breath.

Yoongi opened the door, a happy smile on his face. They had extinguished every flame on the ship, so they were basically nonexistent in the dark. His plan was to go all in and test Jungkook’s powers in the big scale. “I have a proposal for you. I’d like you to sing.” At the expression on Jungkook’s face he chuckled, “Not now and not to my men. Out there is a little island. Normally we would have gone on land and stole what we needed. Sometimes accidents happen and one or two might get injured. Or worse. You can avoid that. With that lullaby you told me about you could sing them to sleep. They will wake up well rested - and I’ll even give you a gold coin on top if you succeed. Or give it to them, however you prefer it. We take what we need they won’t be harmed, and everyone can be happy.” He smiled at him as if he had just found a solution to all of his problems.

“Everyone is happy, I see,” Jungkook only chuckled at that and got up from the couch. He had promised to help Yoongi and honestly, he didn’t care much about gold and if he could prevent people from getting hurt tonight then so be it.

Jungkook just followed Yoongi quietly up on deck, staying a few steps behind him. He averted the gazes of the other pirates, some of them were eyeing him warily some with interest as he tried to ignore them as much as possible. The cold wind hit him and Jungkook shivered in the thin shirt he wore as they made their way onto the island. Yoongi quickly went over to Namjoon trusting him to tell the crew the details before he took some wax himself and went off the ship with Jungkook. The boy stood with his shoulders hunched and his eyes cast down as if he was cold or afraid or both. Yoongi made a mental note to himself to get him a proper jacket. And maybe - if he kept on earning his trust - then he might even give him a dagger. To defend himself in case anyone would want to skin him again. The walk over the sand wasn’t easy, it always was a strange feeling to come on land after having been on his ship for so long. Without the movement of the sea under his feet Yoongi always felt… stuck.

Jungkook let his gaze wander around the quiet village, as they went deeper into its core and to what seemed like a marketplace. From where he stood, he could barely see the ship as it was hidden in the shadows. “Cover your ears, if you only listen to a few notes you will fall asleep, too,” Jungkook whispered to Yoongi, pulling at his jacket to get his attention. Yoongi waited until they were in a position where they would reach the most people, hoping that Jungkook’s voice would reach people far and quickly enough before someone would just shoot them. His voice trembled a little as he whispered into the boy’s ear. “Work your magic my little siren.”

Jungkook giggled softly at the command, scrunching up his nose and then turned to Yoongi. He hadn’t seen that Yoongi had taken wax with him before, too focused on the village in front of him. Slowly, he reached out for the captain, placing his hands onto his hears to cover them. His heartbeat picked up its pace and Jungkook gazed into the pirates eyes, taking a deep breath.

...

“Can you see what they are doing?” Jimin nudged Taehyung’s side with his elbow, trying not to uncover his ears, while the other was observing the scenery with his binoculars. He narrowed his eyes, trying to make out the shadowy figures in the distance and if the siren boy was singing already. A sudden thump, the vibration of something heavy falling onto the floor, next to him made Jimin jerk and let go off his own ears.

“Tae?”

...

At first Yoongi’s instinct was to jerk back and for a horrible second he thought that he had went and done it, unleashed a monster that was about to squish his head the second he had gotten land under his feet again. His hands went up reflexively, covering Jungkook’s to rip them away… but then he realized what the younger was doing. He was covering his ears, protecting him from falling asleep. Something pulled at his heart, so sudden and so unsuspected that it almost hurt. Then Jungkook started to sing and even though he couldn’t hear a thing he could still feel it. Not just Jungkook’s soft breath fanning over him as he boy was facing towards him, he could just... sense it in a way. As if the magic around him was palpable, stroking over his skin, making the hair rise on his arms and his whole body shiver.

Not wanting to make a mistake, Jungkook was trying to sing as long as he could, to make sure that it reached its aim of making everyone in the village fall asleep. He could feel the exhaustion settling in after a few minutes and his voice cracked in the end, before he stopped. He was just hoping that it had been enough. Jungkook closed his eyes, listening carefully – but there was nothing else, but silence and the waves audible in the background. He smiled, gazing at Yoongi as he slowly let go off him, but not before pushing a strand of hair off his face in the process.

Yoongi couldn’t tell how much time had passed. Seconds or hours or days… everything that existed right now was Jungkook and only when the younger closed his mouth was he able to look away and break the spell. He blinked, shaking his head a little. He hadn’t fallen asleep, so the song hadn’t worked on him - and still he felt a little dazed. He was still holding onto Jungkook’s hands from when he had covered them and let go of them with an awkward cough.

Carefully Yoongi took the wax out from his ears and threw it away. Then he took out a lamp and gave the sign so that his crew on the ship knew that it was safe to come down. “Let’s hope you got all of them - and that they won’t wake up while we’re here.” He trusted Namjoon to lead the men and get him his share of the theft but right now he was needed somewhere else. Jungkook was shivering now and he looked so tired as if he could barely stand on his own two feet. Yoongi quickly shrugged out of his jacket, placing them over Jungkook’s shoulders. “Are you alright? You did well Jungkook. There’s no need for you to stay on land, if you want we can go back to the ship and eat a midnight snack.”

Jungkook nodded softly, stumbling after Yoongi and pulling the jacket a little closer around his body. “I’m just tired. I sang louder than I usually do…and longer,” Jungkook yawned and let himself get pulled back onto the ship. “I haven’t sung like this in a long time,” He explained when they both came to a halt. The younger couldn’t help but start giggling when he saw a pair of Yoongi’s men on deck, snoring in their sleep. “I thought you told them to cover their ears?” Jungkook yawned and reached out for Yoongi’s arm in the process. Yoongi groaned when his eyes fell onto his sleeping men.

Taehyung… Jimin... of course these two would screw up.

He ruffled fondly through their hair while passing, ready to give them an earful when they woke up, and a little punishment might be due as well. He went over to Jin who was always staying back on the ship while they were busy doing pirate work (they couldn’t risk losing their cook) and told him to tie the sleeping men to the mast so that they would wake up like this, “Don’t be too harsh with the rope though or they’ll whine about being bruised all week.”

While the captain was still talking to the only awake crew member on the ship, Jungkook waddled into the small room. His gaze fell onto the small couch making him hesitate, then he simply turned around and chose the bed instead. The soft cushion and fluffy blanket was exactly what he needed right now to rest.

“My reward,” Jungkook mumbled with pursed lips when he could hear the door open, not even bothering to open his eyes anymore.When Yoongi turned Jungkook was gone, just the door to his cabin creaking told him where he had gone and he quickly went after him, not sure what Jungkook wanted there as they had been supposedly headed for the kitchen. Apparently sleep was more important than food right now because when he came in Jungkook was already in bed. His bed, his eyes already closed, and a sleepy mumble was everything he got as explanation. “Your reward, hm?” He sat down at the edge, combing through Jungkook’s soft hair. The younger must have fallen asleep instantly because he didn’t move at all at the touch. Yoongi leaned over him brushing his knuckles gently over the boy’s pretty face. “I wish my reward was you, but I guess hooking up with a siren is exactly what a pirate should avoid…”

Nonetheless he couldn’t help how much he wanted the boy. He wondered how much was the alluring nature of the siren in Jungkook that spoke to him and what was the boy himself. He cocked his head when Jungkook sniffled quietly. Did it matter though? Maybe he could ask Jungkook discreetly, if there were any risks when being with a siren. Or maybe he wouldn’t, considering it would be obvious what he wanted then. With a sight Yoongi got up and pulled his shirt over his head. “Don’t think you can just steal my bed like that, my pretty fish!” He talked to himself while undressing further, “Cause I’m not going to sleep on the couch just because you’re lying there like the pirate version of sleeping beauty.” Carefully he slid under the covers besides Jungkook, his body so close to Jungkook’s that he could feel the warmth coming off of him. It felt heavenly on his bare skin. “Good night, fish boy,” He murmured before closing his eyes. Namjoon would take care of everything and present him with a nice capture, a running ship and a happy crew by morning.

Being kidnapped for months, not being able to eat and hydrate right had taken his toll on Jungkooks body. And even though the Black Captain had been giving him food now, it hadn’t been enough to restore his energy levels completely. Not the siren one’s. This part of him yearned for the sea, to swim, to be closer to the ocean. The only thing that had stopped him from going completely insane was that Jungkook could still hear the waves, even when he was under deck and tied to a mast. It was the only thing that kept him alive.

Jungkook was so out of it, that he slept through the whole night, not even noticing the movements next to him. He had shifted a little closer to the warmth, nuzzling his face against the captains chest on instinct, but even when Yoongi had to get up, check the loot from last night, Jungkook didn't stir. He only pursed his lips, trying to hold onto to the captain on instinct to not lose the warmth. To Yoongi it was just incredibly cute and adorable - and still he locked the door again.

The crew was celebrating on deck, basking in the gold and jewelry they took from the people - like ghosts. “They are already imagining what the people will say,” Hoseok nodded over to his captain, steadying the steering wheel, “Thinking there is a ghost ship, or someone haunting the villages...I can’t wait to hear the new rumors.” He narrowed his eyes, gazing into the distance and then back to the compass. “We’ll be there when the sun goes down,” Hoseok turned the steering wheel to adjust the course, “Your men will be happy to be home before we take off to a new adventure.”

…

Jungkook stirred, blinking his eyes open slowly. He groaned, rubbing the sides of his temple as he felt a headache pounding. When he saw that the sun was setting already, Jungkook wondered for how long he had been asleep and why he still felt so exhausted. Turning around, he met the gaze of the Black Captain and Jungkook immediately jerked up, “M’sorry. I didn’t mean...to...it was just so soft last night. For how long did I sleep?” He turned to see through the bullseye again, making out some kind of land. Apparently they had docked onto a small harbor. “Where are we?”

“You slept three months and four days.” Though he couldn’t hold the charade for long as Jungkook’s shocked expression made him chuckle. He looked impossibly wide eyed like this. “You should know better than to believe a pirate we tend to exaggerate things. It might have been a little more than a night and a day. So, you’re probably starving. I’d share the oysters we got from our foray but I’m not sure if that would count as cannibalism? If oysters are fish…” Yoongi furrowed his brow, thinking really hard, “Anyway…” He made a gesture to forget it, “I don’t mind you taking my bed but please get rid of your clothes next time as it got really warm there with two people and a full set of clothes.” He winked at him waiting until it sunk in, “And we are home, actually. So, if you want you can go on land, feel the sand between your toes, climb a palm tree or whatever else sirens do in their free time if they aren’t being held captive on a ship. If you are free for the evening I’d like to do some more talking. About what else you can do, for how long you can sing, how far you can reach. That kind of stuff. the more we find out about your abilities the better we can used them. Also did you decide already what you want in exchange for your voice?” If he kept Jungkook happy there was a smaller chance the younger would fuck him over.

„Home?“ Jungkook cocked up an eyebrow, visibly confused, “You’ve got a home? An island?” He shook his head and just got up to follow the captain, to see what he was talking about. “How about my freedom?”

“Yeah home - though the ocean is my home if I’m being honest. But having an island is necessary. For the crew to rest and drink and have fun without someone having to constantly look out for dangers at sea. We come here every few months.” It might be dangerous to give a stranger that much information, but he figured if Jungkook ever got caught by the royal navy then he’d have other problems than telling them about where the black captain was at home. Jungkook only nodded at that, letting his gaze wander over the small village that was right by the harbor. He watched the pirates walk off the ship happily, some of them already seemingly drunk. Jungkook had noticed the silence after his question for freedom and he hadn’t bothered to ask again – it was obvious.

“Food sounds good,” He smiled faintly and followed Yoongi down the ship and towards the next and only pub. To say Jungkook was completely overwhelmed would have been an understatement. The strong smell of alcohol was filling his nostrils right away. The music was playing loudly and there were pirates drunk and all over the place, celebrating and dancing. Jungkook couldn’t help but to chuckle, impatiently waiting for his food.

Yoongi ordered a simple meal. It would taste heavenly anyways after living of the same things over and over again on the ship. The island did a lot of business with trading ships, so you got the wildest combinations of foods and drinks. Yoongi played with a gold coin and then they sat down at a corner with their food and drinks. Jungkook thanked Yoongi quietly, shifting closer to the edge and towards the wall when others joined their table, obviously close to the captain. He eyed them from time to time, observing how one of them was telling the cook (he had seen him before) everything about his new shell collection. Then there was Namjoon, his arm wrapped around the waist of another crew member, both obviously gone in flirting with each other while the navigator, Hoseok, was talking with Yoongi. It was an interesting dynamic and so Jungkook felt entertained, watching them get more and more drunk the later it got.

The food had been good, but it still hadn’t been enough to refill his energy levels completely. While the others were singing, or rather squealing and growling with the music, Jungkook gazed out of the window and towards the sea. Taking another sip from his water, he bit his lip. He knew he wasn’t probably allowed to leave for too long or to stay away from Yoongi – but the urge to just get out of the stuffy aired pub and under the moonlight was way stronger. What was there to fear anyways? He couldn’t leave the island and he had absolutely no idea where he was as well. Jungkook had nowhere to go.

He was still a prisoner.

While Yoongi was talking to Hoseok, immersed in another discussion, Jungkook got up as quiet as he could, sneaking out through the backdoor, seemingly wanting to use the bathroom. In his haste he hadn’t seen that he wasn’t the only one with that idea, squealing loudly when he came face to face with Namjoon whose pants were hanging loosely around his knees and Jimin’s lips beautifully wrapped around his cock, both staring at him with wide eyes. Neither of them moved, a heavy blush shooting up in Jungkook’s cheek and then he finally unfroze. Jungkook pushed his hands over his eyes, apologizing repeatedly, trying to walk ahead while not peeking through his fingers. When he finally made it outside, Jungkook couldn’t stop running. First it had been hasty, but then it felt freeing. Like something he had needed to do. He only stopped when his feet were wet and a beautiful bay stretched out in front of him, the moonlight reflecting onto the sea luring him in to come closer.

Of course, Yoongi noticed immediately. Sneaking away and then causing a scene in front of the bathroom door wasn’t exactly subtle. He excused himself and then went after the boy, half annoyed that he had to get up, half curious as to what he would do. When Jungkook didn’t try to hide and instead went for the open sea Yoongi slowly caught up with him.

“What now, siren? You going to swim through half the ocean to get to another island that’s pirate free? Are you returning to your kingdom under the sea? Or are you choosing the dramatic way out and are trying to drown yourself because you can’t live any longer in captivity?” There was a taunting smile on his lips as he spoke, watching Kook carefully.

Jungkook didn’t turn around when Yoongi caught up with him right away. Instead he pulled his shirt over his head slowly, his eyes focused on the reflection of the moon on the water. It was mesmerizing. Everything he needed. Jungkook closed his eyes for a moment, taking in the salty air, and then dropped his pants, too, leaving him in nothing but his birthday suit. Taking a few steps forward, Jungkook could feel the pull of the ocean, the warmth embracing him as he stepped in further, only stopping when the water reached his thighs. Turning to look over his shoulder, Jungkook looked at the captain with a soft expression, “Are you coming or…” A smile appeared on his lips, “…are you too afraid?”

Yoongi scoffed. “Sure, I’m just going to let a mermaid-like creature lure me into the water in the middle of the night while no one knows where I am…” But he started to undress while he was still talking. His eyes were fixated on Jungkook’s backside, the moonlight painting his smooth skin silver and drawing shadows into every dip and hollow of his curves. He looked too beautiful to be real.

Jungkook had turned around again, a smirk on his face when he could hear Yoongi step into the water, nonetheless. He went in further, letting his hand caress over the surface of the water, breaking it to scoop up some water and let it dripple over his shoulders.

“Do you want to see something?” Jungkook whispered, feeling Yoongi’s presence right behind him, “Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you.” Turning over his shoulder, Jungkook urged Yoongi on to come closer, not able to resist to let his gaze wander down his body for a second, admiring the beauty that was the pirate himself.

“You better not.” Yoongi’s answer was a growl, threatening and low because honestly he was a little scared right now. This was what he’d heard about, wasn’t it? Stupid men following sirens into the water because they were enchanted by their beauty or their voice. Yoongi couldn’t take his gaze off of Jungkook, even when the younger wasn’t singing or talking.

The young siren reached out for Yoongi’s wrist, his eyes getting a mischievous glint as he walked around the pirate, reaching around him. “When you have nothing, this was always a good way to keep your head over water, quite literally,” Jungkook whispered into his ear, forming a bowl with Yoongi’s hand, “Stay still, okay? Or else you scare them…” Placing his hands upon his, he dipped their hands into the water and held still. Jungkook giggled softly, when something soft touched his thigh, the flapping of small tails causing motion in the water and he held Yoongi a little tighter. Yoongi shivered when something brushed his leg and his instincts screamed at him to get out of the water right now because standing in dark water and feeling something undefinable against you under the opaque surface was the stuff of pirate’s nightmare’s and not something he enjoyed.

“Scare them??” His voice was a little too high for his liking, when Jungkook let go off his hand. “Scare what exactly?” His question was answered when a tiny oyster flapped into his hand - and Yoongi just dumbly stared at it, not knowing what he was supposed to do with that thing. Apparently doing nothing was the perfect behaviour because the oyster trembled a little before opening its delicate shells, wide enough that something could fall out. Then it snapped shut and scuttled off as if it was busy with important other things. Yoongi looked more closely what had landed in his palm and gasped. It was a pearl. A tiny, beautiful, genuine pearl.

“You can keep it if you like.” Jungkook said and walked backwards, deeper into the ocean until he could dive underwater for a moment, brushing his hair back the moment he came up again. It wasn’t even a simple white pearl but one of the rarer dark pearls and Yoongi was strangely touched by the gesture. He waded out of the water and quickly but carefully pocketed it in the clothes he left in the sand. It was too precious to just hold it in his hand during their swim and risk it getting lost. Then he hurried to get back into the water (because it was cold, not because he didn’t want to miss one single minute that he could swim with his little siren). Jungkook seemed like a different person in the water. There was no shyness, no insecurity. He almost glowed with confidence and joy and his eyes were sparkling.

“Come, swim with me, Black,” Jungkook reached out for the pirate and pulled him in closer, not caring about their naked bodies, just enjoying the midnight swim. Yoongi swallowed harshly when Jungkook’s hip brushed his thigh and he knew that if he would have reached out then he could have pulled the younger flush against him; feel him up, get a grip of that beautiful body, maybe taste the soft, smooth skin that must be a little salty from the sea... he exhaled slowly, trying to get rid of the sudden tension and then followed Jungkook further into the sea. When Yoongi was close enough, Jungkook was splashing him with water just because of the fun of it and he deemed it enough of a revenge for abducting him. He gave Yoongi no chance to splash something back, when he had already his arms wrapped around the captain’s neck to hold onto him.

“I needed this,” Jungkook whispered, gazing deeply into his eyes, “I felt like I’ve been away from the ocean for so long even though it had been around me all those months, but I could only hear the waves. I think it kept me from going insane, but I just been so exhausted.” They swayed in the water, the waves softly crashing against their bodies while Jungkook was soothing over Yoongi’s neck softly, “How do you do that? Not going crazy. Have you always been a pirate, Black?” Jungkook let his hands soothe down and over Yoongi’s shoulders, “I’ve seen barely any scars on your body. If I have to spend my life in your imprisonment then that’s the least you can tell me, right?”

Jungkook went from sweet and childish to naturally seductive within a heartbeat. His body was so close to Yoongi that the pirate could see every mole and mark on his skin. Just a little bit closer and their bodies would be touching under water. It was a little harder to concentrate like this when Jungkook was right in front of him, within reach, looking like a moon bathed temptation straight out of a dream. Yoongi’s hands found Jungkook’s hips and held onto him, tight and secure. It was as much a way to hold onto him as it was to keep himself under control and keep the younger’s lower body away from him. The urge to let go of all caution and just pull the siren flush against him was almost unbearable. “No, I haven’t always been one. I was a child once, just like you.” He answered evasively, his voice a low whisper, “Who says that I haven’t gone insane? I think you must be at least a little to choose this life. Apart from that it’s all habit and adaptation. It helps that I love the sea, the salty air, the harsh wind. Being too long on mainland makes me feel stuck and itching. I need the freedom my ships brings. Otherwise I would go crazy for sure.”

Jungkook pulled himself a little closer, his voice wavering a little when he asked, “You won’t kill me, right? When I am no longer of use for you? What if you find everything you yearned for, every gold coin, every treasure is yours...” Jungkook’s eyes flickered from Yoongi’s lips to his eyes, their bodies touching each other softly and his voice barely a whisper, “Will you get rid of me then?”

Yoongi’s thumbs started rubbing tight circles into the delicate skin over Jungkook’s hips. “Oh pretty, of course I won’t kill you. I wouldn’t dare to destroy something so unique, so special. It would be a crime to harm something so utterly beautiful.” He slowly inched closer, the pure need to feel the younger against him pulling him in. “Don’t you worry…” He reached out for the youngers face, caressing over his cheek until he reached his lips and he could drag the tip of his thumb over the plush bottom lip as he had done before. How on earth should he be able to resist this perfection when Jungkook’s sweet, soft mouth was practically begging to be tasted? “I’ll always find a use for you. Even if it’s just warming my bed at night and allowing me the pleasure…” He made a little pause and the tension was so thick between them that it felt just as palpable as the water gentle splashing against their forms, “..of looking at you.”

Jungkooks heart was beating so fast that he felt dizzy from it. Or maybe it was just how Yoongi was touching him, as if was something fragile, delicate, something that must be handled with the uttermost care. He couldn't deny that he liked it. He gulped heavily, when the pirate was talking about pleasure and even though he finished the sentence with something soft, it still made his heart flutter and a hot feeling settled in his groin. Jungkook was still, when Yoongi stroked over his lip, his doe eyes staring right back at him. He wondered what life, imprisoned, on this ship would be like. Will it stay the same? Will Yoongi one day change his mind about him? Would he get used to this? Or try to escape nonetheless, even though Yoongi was kinder to him. Jungkook leaned his head back averting his gaze, but he kept his hold on Yoongi's shoulders while his mind was wandering into every direction.

Yoongi smirked as he saw that the younger was affected by this as much as he was. He couldn't help himself, when the boy leaned his head back a little he leaned in, closing the distance and brushing his lips over the bared part of his neck. His guess had been right, Jungkook's skin felt incredibly soft under his lips and he tasted a little salty, a little sweet. He kissed him again, right under his jaw this time more intense, nipping at the delicate skin as if he wanted it to bruise. Now that he was showing clearly what he wanted any way he didn't see a point in holding back and so he pulled the siren flush against him, his knee nudging between the youngers thighs naturally as their hips met. He couldn't keep his hands still, he had to touch, to feel, explore... Jungkook's waist was small, his hips narrow and Yoongi felt like he would be perfect to hold like this, not in the water, on the ship, in his bed, being just as naked...

He kissed the boys shoulder, soothing a hand down his back as he shivered. Jungkook had moles all over his back and Yoongi smiled as he had noticed them before and found them cute. He trailed them with his finger, one by one, just like he had imagined doing a couple of times, exploring the siren’s body thoroughly - when a sudden realization made him freeze. Those weren't random! He knew these kind of patterns!

"Turn around!" His voice was trembling from excitement.

For a moment Jungkook thought to be under a spell himself, the soft lips brushing his skin making him tingle all over until his heart stopped at Yoongi’s order. Jungkook placed a hand on Yoongi’s chest, shaking from the sudden arousal that mixed with fear when he noticed the strong hold around him. “N-not here.” The words slipped from him, before he could even think about it, his heart beating even quicker and his breath coming in short pants.

"Why..?" Yoongi furrowed his brows at Jungkook's reply - and then broke into laughter, "I'm not asking you to turn around so I can fuck you, sweety. I'd like to see your back. Though it's nice to know that the location would be your only problem with this..." He pulled the younger against him once more, just because he could, whispering seductively into his ear, "I'll keep that in mind then and let you choose where you want to be fucked. I'd suggest my cabin. Or the Beach. You could lay back into the sand, water lapping at your feet while I have you..." His hand sneaked back to the siren's hips, dangerously close to his groin where he was rubbing his promises into Jungkook’s skin. "Now turn around, pretty. I promise I won't fuck you - yet."

Jungkook blushed, stumbling over his words, “I didn’t mean...I…” He bit his lip, keeping himself from only making it worse. The whispered promises making a shiver run down his spine and Jungkook closed his eyes to keep himself still and not react to anything the captain was saying. It felt weird, to be the one under a spell, even though Jungkook was sure Yoongi was just a normal human being. But something pulled him closer, made his heart jump and the need to let Yoongi have him grew. Or maybe it was just a sinful mixture of Stockholm Syndrome and the pirates flirting techniques. He took a deep breath, trying to keep himself levelheaded and push the images out of his head. “Why do you want to see my back?” A little hesitant, Jungkook turned in Yoongi’s embrace.

"Because my dear, you either are an exceptionally good liar who has perfected the 'I don't know what you're talking about' look - or you really had no clue that you were the key to the treasure all along." He smiled when he saw that his suspicion had be true. The moles on Jungkook's back weren't random. Each of the little spots marked a star, turning the youngers skin into the perfect canvas - for a map. Yoongi had used exactly those kinds of maps before so he was positive that if he could transfer it on paper then he would manage to find the exact location that this map led to.

A wild joy filled him at the thought of actually going on a quest to find a magical treasure - a sweet little siren by his side. "Let's get you out of the water. I'd like to draw that map right away - and after you can have as many hours of swimming or sleeping as you like." His smirk turned dirty as he continued, "Or I could reward you with the most pleasure you have ever felt. I fear that we should gag you for that though, just as precaution. Who knows what effect it would have on my men if they hear a siren screaming in pleasure."

Jungkook was completely overwhelmed and confused, stumbling after Yoongi who was pulling him out of the water by his wrist. “M-map? Where? Me?” Jungkook asked, when he reached for his clothes and then tried to look over his shoulder, turning to see what there was on his back - but there was nothing out of the ordinary, no map, no sudden tattoo that appeared through magic. It was just his bare skin. He blushed at the sexual innuendo again, shaking his head to get rid of even more pictures on his mind, “Can you please just explain to me what you’re talking about?”

"You sweet, clueless little thing!" Yoongi stopped once to pick up his clothes, not bothering to put them on, instead he took Jungkook's face in his hands and kissed him on the forehead in his excitement. "You know that sailors use maps to know where they're going? You can use the full on detailed ones - or maps that show how the stars will look when you reach your aim. And this is what's on your back. Each spot marks a star - so you essentially just described the way to me with your body."

The younger gasped, quickly putting back on his pants, because the captain seemed eager to get back to his ship as fast as possible, the spot where Yoongi had kissed him burning on his skin - and making his heart flutter (he put it off as excitement to have finally found a map). Stumbling after him, Jungkook felt completely breathless while Yoongi seemed full of energy that he was almost running.

“So...I have stars on my body?” Jungkook asked when they reach the ship, ignoring the stares of the crew members wondering why the captain was naked and the siren running after him half naked. This would give a lot of material for rumors the next day, but Jungkook couldn’t care less right now. “H-how are you so sure? Why didn’t the other sailor find them? He saw me, too...he studied my b-body, too.” Jungkook closed the door to the cabin behind him and watched Yoongi roam around in excitement, opening various of drawers only to close them seconds after. “Why didn’t he see the stars, then?”

Yoongi only stopped in his tracks when Kook told him the captain had studied his body too, a completely irrational but nonetheless burning hot wave of jealousy surging through him, "What do you mean he studied your body? Did you..." He broke off. It was none of his business who he siren had slept with and if the Captain had done it against the youngers will then he wouldn't want to think or talk about it so he quickly spoke on before it could get uncomfortable for both of them, "I could think of a million reasons why he didn't see. He's stupid. He forgot how to use star maps cause he got lazy with the more comfortable ones. He didn't look closely enough. He was distracted by how stunning you are. His arousal clouded his mind. I could go on." He quickly dried himself up and put on some clothes. "Now this might take a while. You should get comfortable on the bed."

Jungkook was a bit unsure, hesitant to undress again so he sat down on the edge of the bed, so Yoongi could see his back but decided quickly that lying down would be more comfortable. “Is it just my back? Or do I need to…” Jungkook gulped, a shy blush appearing on his cheeks.

Yoongi smirked at that, "Well who knows how far down the map reaches. So, you better undress fully, just to be sure." He would be shamelessly indulging himself in the beautiful view that the siren would present with his naked body stretched out on the bed, exactly like Yoongi had thought about before. He just hoped he wouldn't fuck up the map because his thoughts - or blood - were elsewhere.

Jungkook only nodded, slowly taking off his pants again and got back onto the bed. He laid onto his stomach; his head turned towards Yoongi. Watching him carefully, Jungkook tried to make himself comfortable, while the captain placed a few more candles around the bed to make sure he could see perfectly. If this was true, then they were able to find the mirror and it could lead them to all the answers he needed. His heart rate picked up. “Black?” Jungkook sat up a little again, when the captain came closer, “I think I know what I want.”

"Oh?" Yoongi looked up from the paper he had prepared, winking at Jungkook "Does you lying naked in my bed have anything to do with it?" He just loved getting the siren flustered because he looked even more beautiful with his shy smile and the rose dusted cheeks, "What is it, pretty? Anything you want."

Jungkook giggled softly, shaking his head, “I want to take a look in the mirror, please.” He sat up a little more, reaching out for Yoongi. “Just once, please. You can have it; I don’t care what you will do with it...but I want to know where I come from. What I really am…” He averted his gaze shyly, “Maybe it can lead me to those answers, too?” Blinking up at the pirate, Jungkook shrugged his shoulders, “It is supposed to make you whole, the mirror of chéngquán. I want that, please.”

The answer got stuck somewhere between his heart and his throat because both seemed to malfunction at Jungkook’s confession. The boy looked so vulnerable like this; his smile so soft, his eyes a little sad while he was baring himself quite literally in front of Yoongi. The captain cleared his throat. “Yes, yes of course you can. You can get a look in that mirror and also get some of the gold. If the mirror helps you to find out who you are then you could use your new wealth to go back home. Maybe built a home, a life. A little cottage close by the sea so that you can go swimming whenever you want and listen to the waves whenever you need.” He smiled at him but honestly he hated the idea. Because it meant that the siren wouldn't be on his ship any longer. Quietly, without really meaning to he added, “Or maybe you want to stay on my ship, nonetheless. I wouldn't mind that. just so you know.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened, when he talked about letting him go eventually. What had made the captain change his mind? Jungkook didn’t know and he didn’t want to ask further, but he couldn’t help but hug Yoongi for a sweet moment, leaning his head onto his shoulder. “Thank you.” Jungkook just wanted to lay back down, when the door burst open and he involuntarily jerked, almost jumping right onto Yoongi’s lap in the process.

“Jus’ wan’ report...all boys back on ‘eck for th’ night,” Namjoon leaned against the doorframe, blinking his eyes a couple of times when he suddenly realized the situation he had stumbled into. His eyes widened.

“Yoongi!” Namjoon called out loudly, his stunned expression turning into a mischievous glint when he let his gaze wander over Jungkook’s naked body, “Mh’ just right up your alley, hm?” He chuckled, when another pair of eyes peeked up from behind Namjoon, pulling him away from the door and with him although he protested. “Mh’ so sorry captain!” With that, Jimin quickly closed the door behind them, pushing an obviously drunk Namjoon further down the hall and to their cabin, reprimanding him.

Yoongi groaned deeply. Leave it to Namjoon to fuck him over while he was sharing a sweet moment with his siren. All the mystery gone with just one drunk visit. And the way Jungkook had perked up at his name he also couldn't just hope that Jungkook missed it. He looked at Jungkook, trying to be threatening which was pretty hard considering they were still kind of holding each other and had just exchanged soft confessions. “No mentioning this to my crew or I’ll…” He broke off not even knowing what he should threaten the boy with any longer.

Jungkook giggled softly as an answer and laid back down onto his stomach. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,” He nuzzled his face closer into the cushion to get himself comfortable while feeling Yoongi’s stare on his body, “Yoongi.”

Closing his eyes, Jungkook sighed, loving the feel of the bed sheets against his body even more now that he was allowed to lay here. “It can be our little secret, just between you and me,” He whispered, turning his head so he could look at the pirate, “Now, draw the map please…it’s getting cold, Yoongi.”

A/N: Yay, finally Chapter 2 is out! What do you guys think? Yoongi finally found the map and the adventure can finally begin ;) Thank you for reading! ❤❤❤

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infinitiesofbooks · 6 years ago

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Me rambling about S3 and being an emotional mess

Okay, I have feelings and I need to talk about them. This is not a constructive analysis or anything this is just me talking about SOME of my favorite clips from season 3 of Skam France because it's the end and i'm emotional.

I knew this season would be awesome from the second I saw the trailer.It was genius and I still watch it sometimes because wow.I love that we saw the I saw you the first day of school scene. I love that we were all fooled into believing it was Lucas. Because he's the main and i also think because of the clothes, that's something Isak could wear. But little did we know they were making their own thing.

"T'es pas comme les autres" + adding to this the minute par minute talk

Skam is a very emotional show, with very emotional scenes but I didn't cry cry as much as everyone did. And it's okay obviously. I teared up, thought I was going to die because of the pain, internally sobbed during the whole season. (For me it's 50/50 or I cry a LOT or I just can't because I just have too many emotions and my body is just dying, but it doesn't diminish the pain oh no) But the only two times where I really really really cried were during T'es pas comme les autres and the minute par minute talk. For mpm, I was expecting it. This is my favorite quote of the Skam universe, I use it everyday and it really helped me dealing with mental illness. I knew hearing it in my native language would wreck me. I was tearing up during the whole clip but I just bursted into tears when Lucas said it.

But I was not expecting the "T'es pas comme les autres" clip. I remember watching it, sobbing, thinking what the hell is happening to me. It's a mixture of Lucille's speech, the piano music (i tear up everytime i listen to it) and the images of Eliott. this.was.too.much.for.me. But I love this clip with all of my heart, and I cry as much everytime I rewatch it but I love it.

The piano scene

This scene. This freaking scene. It's unique,it's beautiful, it's a masterpiece. I have a thing with piano, it always gets me emotional and it's my favorite instrument, and I listen to piano music every day.But.this. this was incredible. And it's a scene nobody expected and wow it had so much impact. I can't find the words about how much I love this scene. And I won't ever be able to forget the T'es Suprenant. I remember not being able to sleep after this scene because I couldn't get over it.

Intervention

This is one of my favorite clip. First the acting, Axel how how how? I also love how it's as much as a sad clip as an hopeful one. Yes, it's sad but Mika and Manon are here for Lucas, he finally has support, and it's the clip where things are changing , Lucas starts accepting himself in the next clip and it's beautiful. And also some things that were said in this clip hit me so strongly and I think about them everyday.

Viens on en parle pas

god. Manon coming to Lucas? Her crying ? Him conforting her? And then when he started to cry my heart broke. This was powerful and I'm so glad this clip exists.

Also I didn't talk about Le premier, Combien de Lucas dans l'Univers, the painting/fucking, french o helga natt,not because I don't love them, because I freaking do, they're in my top 10,or even 5 clips (especially combien de lucas, if I did a top 3 it would be here with the piano scene and T'es pas comme les autres (this clip did something to me okay?) and the parallel universe talk with the music behind always get me so so so so emotional and tearing up) but because I've already talk so much about them and said pretty much everything I wanted to say.

Special mentions to Eliott following Lucas on instagram. So many of the instas udpdates are pure gold, so so so many, but I don't think I freaked out more in my entire life than the day Eliott followed Lucas. I literaly went home walking because I had too many feelings and needed to calm down.

Also a little list of my fav things from watching S3

-Lucas & the girl squad. Every. Single. Interaction.

-the millions french words the international fandom is now saying (please don't use them in french class)

-moi c'est Eliott + I can still remember Maxence and his chocolates bars on his insta story being so excited about the clip

-Lucas stalking Eliott

-the whole foyer subplot

-P. O. L. A. R. I. S

I got so emotional over a gifset the other day with the first kiss and O helga natt with the polaris quote

And the fandom becoming astronomers

-Alexia being a bisexual queen

-the dubstep is still making me laugh especially Lucas listening to it and saying he's into it to Chloé

-the unsubtleness. cf : how would you draw me

-Lucas and the marks on his cheeks during the foyer party

-i have an unhealthy obsession with the call your girlfriend scene, seriously, how many times can i watch a clip before it gets weird? Also when the music change when Eliott looks up ahhhhh

-Pas forcément une meuf (and the whole I want to be in a relationship thing ), I have a tattoo appointment to put this on my forehead.

-The whole Grillé clip was gold

-I love Pecholand too, it's so funny to rewatch because ahhh we knew it. Also just Lucas's voice when he's changing the subject from Eliott to something else. Everytime I watch it, I have this feeling, you know, when someone or something is brought up and you start panicking a little inside and you try to stay calm and like nothing is affecting but you're still trying to change the subject. It's a very specific feeling and he NAILED it, the tone of his voice is exactly exactly this.

-The beginning of Phase de Latence (ending ?? What ending?? This clip ends when Lucas steps out of the classroom)

-Emma and her lava lamp. Emma, my love. I see so much of me and my friends in Emma, and the more we have the more I love her. She just seems so real to me.

-The Isak reference

-Arthur&Basile + Daphné + Yann + Imane reaction and talk after Lucas coming out

-the J'ai tué ma mère ref. I knew it. I wanted it. They delivered. Thank you.

-the reaction to the mural monday morning omg. I really thought they were going to repaint it after. But these idiots didn't and they didn't even try denying anything. And I would have bet Daphné would have killed them but I'm glad she loved it.

-Eliott + Imane

-The boy squad Fangirl™ Moment to Elu. I wanna tattoo their faces on my face.

-Them hanging out in the park. This felt so nostalgic to me. It's exactly how I spent my 1ère afternoons in high school, lying in the grass with my friends, reading, talking and it's some of my best memories.

-Elu shotgunning omg

-Emma Manon and Lucas drunk = incredible

-Basile speechs and supporting Boy Squad

-Lucas and his mom AND THE FREAKING PIANO WHEN HE WROTE THE TEXT

-Him defending the mural, Imane being a queen and then Daphné after too

-Leave a light on hahahaha

-the realness of J'ai pas besoin de toi (just wanted to say, i'm still singing Joyce Jonathan every time, just because of the title, not any signification)

-Lucas and Eliott being THAT annoying couple

-All the drawings

-Raccons and hedgehog

-the acting. I just can't see Axel and Maxence, no matter how hard I try (i just tried it for the sake of this point and I just can't, they don't exist when filming)

-David making me cry with his instagram posts

-every single update from instagram

-David changing his profil pics and the fandom loosing it

-the scarf™

-Just everything the cast did. I could make a whole separate post for that.

-Wednesdays

-All the times we were fooled

-THE FREAKING JE T'AIME I'M STILL NOT OVER IT

-Eliott counting the minutes he's been appart from Lucas in the last clip, that dork

I feel like i'm forgetting so so many things, but I can't write down everything, especially the fandom stuffs and how much we freaked out over everything, and all the debates and theories but this has been my favorite part

I'm so glad for this season, and it had been an incredible ride. I also think i would not be this attached to it if I didn't discuss the clips with everybody on tumblr everyday. Thank you. You all made this special.

I wanted to start tagging people but the list was getting way way way too long and I'm afraid to forget someone and also the less people see my rambling the better it is. But if we talked even once,or if we’re mutuals, or If I liked your posts or you liked mine, i love you. So i'm just gonna thank my two friends I talk everyday with.

@praecise we've been talking since the beginning of the season and I'm so glad i was on that ride with you, you're the best

@aspewofnonsense we started really talking only after but i'm so so glad we did and i can't wait to meet you in may

I'm a really nostalgic person and I hate endings, and even if it's also a beginning because you bet i'm gonna follow S4 with the same energy ( I was already so hyped just by seeing Imane at the end of the last clip) , it's the end of Lucas pov and I will forever miss him. And seeing everybody in the tag saying goodbye and thank you to our boy ahhhh. Watching this season was an unique experience and it was so special. But i can't believe this is over. This morning i was listening to music when Remember attacked me without my consent and i started full on sobbing. The whole day i felt almost sick because i knew it was the end, in my last class i was really really feeling bad i couldn't do anything. But after the clip i was sad but also so much happy. I'm so thankful for this season and for Lucas's story.

(Also after the last clip, i was sitting on the ground in the train watching the landscape through the windows as the sun was setting, thinking about everything ,poetic cinema right there)

This afternoon I was like I should be less dramatic. But fuck it, I like being 300% invested in this. Being inside a fandom is my favorite thing.

I feel like I could never say everything I want to say, but (i was listening to music and my song just say i just wanna say thank you as I was writing this yes that's exactly this song) I just wanna say thank you. <3

#skam france #skam france season 3 #lucas lallemant #Eliott demaury #Elu #Me rambling

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sophieakatz · 5 years ago

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Thursday Thoughts: I Am Proud Of My Fanfiction

The other day, I met with an aspiring creative who wanted to pick my brain about my experiences as a writer. I told her about the plays I worked on in school, the shows I helped bring to life in the Disney Parks, and my novel-in-progress, Tali’s Flowers.

“I haven’t worked on it in a while,” I said. “I love that story, but I keep working on other things instead.”

“Do you not love the other things you’re working on?” she asked me.

The question caught me by surprise, and I laughed a bit – partly because I laugh when I’m surprised, but mostly because the “other things” I keep working on instead of my novel are fanfiction.

You are currently reading this post on my professional writing blog. If you’ve been following me for a while, then you know that I often post links to my fanfiction here. When I first created this blog, I was hesitant to do so. Fanfiction has a reputation of being unprofessional. It’s considered a “lesser” art form to original fiction. I have another Tumblr account for reblogging gifsets and videos and other nerdy, less-than-professional social media things. I considered keeping my fanfiction over there, if I posted it at all.

Ultimately, I decided that this blog is for my writing – all of my writing that I love, that I am proud of, and that I want to share with the world. And that writing includes fanfiction.

Why?

I could say that writing and posting fanfiction is a vital part of my professional development. I spent five incredible months as the Disney Parks Live Entertainment Show Writer Intern, and all the shows I helped bring to life as a part of that internship were, arguably, “official” fanfiction. I was not only assigned but also paid to write new adventures for characters from movies I fell in love with as a child. I put words into the mouths of the Toy Story gang and explored the fan club culture of the world of The Incredibles. Being able to do that again, to make a living writing new stories for characters the world already loves, is one of my career goals.

But that isn’t the whole story. Not everyone who writes fanfiction will ever do so for money, or even wants to. And even if I knew without a doubt that I would never have the chance to write for Disney or any entertainment company ever again, I would still write and post fanfiction.

Because not only do I love writing fanfiction, but I am also proud of my fanfiction.

I am proud of the quality of my fanfiction.

I’m afflicted by the same curse that many writers have: once a story of mine is out in the world, I usually can’t read it again without cringing.

It is a rare delight to write something, return to it a month later, and still like it. This is a natural consequence of improving my craft as a writer, combined with dubiously-healthy doses of anxiety and imposter syndrome.

But there are times, blessed times, when I enjoy rereading my own writing, when I know without a doubt that what I penned was good. I’ve had a lot of those moments while writing fanfiction. Sure, humility is a virtue and putting yourself down is “cool” these days, but I’ve spent years working and learning and improving my craft – I have a Bachelor’s Degree in this, for crying out loud – and it shows!

Lena closed her fingers around the keys, and she put the closed fist to her chest. And all at once it hit her that she was here to stay, and she began to cry. And then Webby was back in front of her, kissing her first on the forehead and then on the beak, and then she threw her arms around Lena’s neck, and Scrooge had a hand on each of their shoulders, and their limbs were good, strong roots that reached so deep into the earth that nothing could ever pull them away, and Lena knew that she was home at last.

The previous paragraph is the final lines of The Sunchaser Grill, a crossover fanfic of Disney’s DuckTales TV show, the 1996 film The Spitfire Grill, and the 2001 Off-Broadway musical adaptation of the same name. And yes, I know how bizarre that sounds. Bizarre stuff happens in this story. But that paragraph is one of my favorite things that I’ve ever written. I am proud to say that whenever I reread it, it makes me smile.

I am proud that my fanfiction comes from a spirit of joy and fun.

There’s a place in the world for sad stories. Sometimes I even write them. But overwhelmingly, my writing steers towards the positive. I write the fics that I write because I know I’ll have a good time writing them.

I wrote Sunchaser Grill because it delighted me how well the characters from one work fit the character roles of the other. I wrote Hang In There because I wanted to imagine the Thirteenth Doctor going back to give a young River Song a bit of hope, in a moment that Doctor Who canon might never give us. I wrote so, so many fics for this last Weblena Month because that little lesbian couple makes me so, so happy. And once, way back in high school, I wrote a 600-word fic about Shere Khan from The Jungle Book meeting Tigger from Winnie the Pooh, just because I thought it would be funny.

I’m proud of the spirit of joy that powers my writing, and I’m proud of the stories that have grown from that joy.

It’s not just about me, though.

I am proud that my fanfiction brings joy to and has meaning for other people.

During my internship with Disney Parks Live Entertainment, I saw children laugh, dance, and play along with the shows I wrote. As that internship neared its end, I naturally felt sad at the thought of not making children laugh with my stories anymore.

Almost on cue, I received an email notification from one of my old accounts. Someone had just left a comment on that “Shere Khan meets Tigger” story I mentioned before. This was in 2018. I wrote that story in 2011.

This is such a perfect crossover! And both tigers are completely in character. Shere Khan is trying to hunt, but gets interrupted by an excited, bouncy Tigger. As a result, Shere Khan is annoyed and Tigger doesn’t let anything bother him.

P.S. My eight-year-old daughter liked it, too.

It hit me then that I had already been creating stories that made children laugh even before Disney hired me, and there was no reason why I had to stop.

I want to tell stories that mean something to other people. Fanfiction has given me the opportunity for that desire to be not just a dream for someday, but something that I can do right here, right now. It’s allowed me to see the impact my writing can have, the impact that I want it to have, on other people’s lives.

Here are a few of the comments that people have left on my fanfiction over the years:

thank you. Just - thank you. And good night; I will finally go to bed, now. – on a Hunger Games fanfic in 2011

An adorable ending to a magical story. I got tears in my eyes, you know, and I almost never cry. :) – on one of my Alice in Wonderland fanfics in 2012

Thank you for giving more depth to an already-amazing character. – on one of my Rune Factory 3 fanfics in 2016

I've been wanting to comment since Chapter One but I couldn't think of something to say. Seeing this story updated just makes my day better and it's so well written and I'm invested in the plot. Just...good job <3. – on that Spitfire Grill fic in 2018

I really love this, it's amazing how you showed the piano and music as something that makes sense in the middle of all confusion and it's amazing to see it as something that can help so much. To me personally piano has been incredibly important so reading this fic just... I have tears in my eyes right now and I don't know how to express how amazing this fic is for me to read. – on one of my Ducktales fics in 2018

This part hit me tbh, this is something I’ve said nearly verbatim when talking about my own fear that no one would ever want to be in a relationship with me… I just want to say how much I love this entire series. – on one of my 2019 Weblena Week fics

People read fanfiction because they want to spend more time with the characters they love, because they want to laugh or cry, because they want to see themselves and their experiences reflected in media. I am proud to create those experiences for other people.

Of course I love the “other things” I keep working on. Of course I love my fanfiction. Someday I’ll finish Tali’s Flowers, or a different novel, or a movie, or a play, and people will call it my “debut” and ask me how it feels to have finally “made it.” And I’ll be proud, of course I’ll be proud. But I’m already proud. I have every reason to be.

#writing #fanfiction #writblr #writer problems #writers of tumblr #thursday thoughts #introspective #nonfiction

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uitzinnigmp3 · 3 years ago

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blog tag!

tagged by @earthlingeliott and @12monthoctober thank u both sm!!

1. why did you choose your url?

started reading the grisha trilogy when everyone was so excited for s&b netflix to come out and quickly fell in love with miss genya safin shes the loml <3

2. any side blogs?

uhh i technically have a narnia sideblog but i haven’t done anything with it for ages sdlkfjsdlk i might just delete it

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

this account ive had since summer 2018! but i had one before that which i forgot the password of, and i wasn’t using my own email so i couldn’t get in anymore sldkjfslk (honestly it was for the best, that blog was a Mess)

4. do you have a queue tag?

i do! it’s “could cry just thinkin about queue” from the troye sivan song on the in a dream ep :’) literally love him sm i could listen to that ep on repeat forever

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

uhh i think to see gifsets? i was on pinterest before (yes i know shush) and i saw all those gifs and shitposts too and i was like “i gotta see that fr”, i think i joined for harry potter and marvel too

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

fatou jallow my beloved!! i wanted a cute fatou icon to fit my url at the time (@chibisfatou) so i took the party in s6e8 bc it’s a pretty purple (the colour my blog was then) and put it on a fun backgrounddd i still love it sm

7. why did you choose your header?

i was a little bored of the last one i had and wanted like,, a “professional-looking” one slkdjflskd so i made one to fit my current url!

8. what's your post with the most notes?

this parallel gifset between doctor who and tennant&tate’s much ado about nothing, it’s currently at almost 700 notes??? which is absolutely crazy sldkfjdslk i never thought it would get so many, it’s not even that good but i guess people liked it a lot

9. how many mutuals do you have?

135! (yes i did just count them all slfjdskl) but i barely talk to half of them so sad :(

10. how many followers do you have?

337 wooo

11. how many people do you follow?

517 and half of them are probably inactive slfkdsjkl (i should unfollow some people huh)

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

i,,,, do not think so? sldkfjdsl i barely make any textposts at all but i might have made some during skamfr s5 or wtfock s4 lmao

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

uhh lately it’s not been so much, but any time i’m on my laptop and trying to work i get distracted by the tumblr tab i have open sdljfls so i try to check in less and less, maybe 8 times a day? (i have no clue tbh slfjksdk it used to be a lot tho)

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

i haven’t luckily and i hope it’ll never happen sldkfj i hate conflict

15. how do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

they suck and i hate them, literally putting that at the bottom of ur otherwise interesting post will just make me do the opposite and scroll down as fast as possible

16. do you like tag games?

i dooo i love them but i always take way too long to do them and i never know who to tag slkdjfl

17. do you like ask games?

yes and no? i like reblogging them but i never do it at the right time so i barely have time to answer them lmao and i always get disappointed when i get less asks than i thought i would rip

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

uhhh definitely some of the gifmakers i follow, idk i know a few people with multiple thousands of followers but theyre not like 100 000 note shitpost famous u kno sldjfl

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

i do not but like gab said, platonic crushes all the way ily all <3

tagging @pduwd, @eleonoraincanti, and uhh idk who else anyone who wants to! (and i mean that, please do this if u want!!)

#wooo merci ellie and gab this was fun!#tag games

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critgemhero · 7 years ago

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Below are my thoughts on Martin Freeman and Andy Serkis being in Black Panther. I know that to many people this is gonna come off as really selfish and... dare I say unintentionally racist to some? But hear me out.

I was already hype for Black Panther for the obvious reasons everyone is saying. Ryan Coogler and Michael B Jordan are fucking amazing from their work together. T’Challa in Civil War was easily one of the Top 3 best parts! The country of Wakanda looks so God Damn amazing and SO fucking important to representation. This is a movement that was NEEDED and has been SUCCESSFUL and is SO DAMN AMAZING!! So please believe me when I say that what I am about to talk about below doesn't lessen my thoughts on these things whatsoever.

For me, it’s been the absolute perfect cherry on top that Martin Freeman, one of my favorite actors of all time, is in this movie and now a major supporting role in the MCU. I haven't seen the movie yet but from what I gathered he is basically the new Coulson, the connecting agent guy between the films. It’s ALSO been an extra sprinkle of peanuts on top that Andy Serkis, one of THE most underrated actors of all time, is in this movie and is being seen with his face and not just behind Motion Capture. It’s absolutely invigorating for me to see these two be a part of this epic movement and film.

It kind of reminds me of that time Owl City, my favorite music artist, did the main song for Wreck-It Ralph, one of my favorite Disney films of all time. It’s that neat feeling of “HEY you’re part of this too??? Two separate things that I love are coming together on a project?? That’s so cool!!!”, you know? Is it wrong for me to be excited for that too, WHILE ALSO knowing this film means so much more than 2 middle-aged white guys?

But, to be honest, I fear for what it means to have Martin and Andy be the only White guys in the film in regard to what the bigger role of this film plays in society. I’ve read some awful assumptions and just plain made up stories about Martin being super racist, and that this film is like “justice against him” or something that he is playing the role that he is. I saw a gifset that I loved of Everett Ross asking if Okoye speaks English, and her snapback response is great. However, I've seen people for some reason associate that micro-aggressive racism with Martin himself, when ummm... Martin is playing a ROLE, a CHARACTER. Martin himself wasn't asking that, it’s in the script. I’ve seen people saying this is ironic justice against him because of how awful he is and I just??? Why?? No one has ever given any solid proof that he is the way people assume he is because he is a British White guy.

Don’t get me wrong, he is privileged AF, but as someone who has (and yes I know this is sad) followed his acting work and interviews and just all the stuff going on with his career, he’s always come off as, yes, sassy and occasionally snappy. BUT he is mostly a brilliant, culturally aware, well-spoken, genuinely respectable person with dignity and respect for not only his fans but the work he chooses to do. So when people associate and assumed that he, or Andy, is like the worst case scenario of racist I get very uncomfortable and feel like that is a step backward on what this film is trying to accomplish. And yes, I am aware that there are way more important issues in the world (like WTF with those fake tweets about black people inciting violence at the screenings???? WTAF???) but this is something that's just a bit more personal to me as a big fan of his work.

Again, I have NOT seen it yet, but I fear that many who are fans of him, or Andy too, will be persecuted for being happy for them being in such a successful and groundbreaking film that THEY were cast for and meant to be a part of by the people making it. So when I see so many blogs posting gifs of Andy and Martin about this film, I genuinely get nervous that people will think they are racist for “ignoring the black people” and only focusing on the white people in the film. I am here to explain that in reality for the majority of us, we aren't fans of these guys because they are white. We’re fans because we think they are amazing actors and yes, have gotten the privilege to be in enough works for us to say that and be excited about the future of their careers and fame.

I know this rant was super long and random and unnecessary, but I just realized how long I've been holding that to my chest ever since the movie was announced and trailers started to come out. It’s why I havent blogged any of Martin Freeman in a long time. I didn't want to be persecuted for being a fan of his work and seem like a liar or hypocrite about how important and amazing this film has been to the representation of black people in media.

#martin freeman #andy serkis #representation #black panther #mcu

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prettysei-remade · 7 years ago

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graphic design is my passion actually the last time i made a graphic of any kind was when i was like 10 and i have sadly Not magically improved since then rip;; also dont worry the comic sans is ironic im not that awful......or am i

hey there angels (instead of demons bc ur not demons ur all angels get it haha), it’s me, ya maknae! this is a very looooooong post so buckle in, my pals

AHEM

exactly this time last year, i was probably laughing and/or crying at the thought of ever having mutuals here, much less having too many to do a proper follow forever in a rush the day before i post it (rip) so becAUSE i ran out of time and would probably give up in the middle, i decided to just talk abt how much i love everyone in the Stream Team gc and also make a shitty graphic so i could bless ur guys’ new years with ot13 and make it seem like i know what i’m doing :)

ok im gonna get sappy for a sec and then u can all get to the part u actually care about (the part that’s also sappy but directed at specific people)

my friends!! my loves!!! the bestest people on the planet!!!!! i love you <3<3 you guys are the sweetest, kindest, most understanding, most hilarious group of friends in the world and i’m so fucking lucky to know all of you. you make me laugh,,you make me cry (in a good way),,,,,you make me like myself when i dont feel like it,,,,im so?? blessed??? to have people to talk to and scream abt kpop with and be myself around. i’m more comfortable with u guys than probably anyone else?? like. even irl because 1) i’ll probably never come out, 2) none of my friends know anything abt kpop, and 3) none of my friends are rlly.....aware of the things my brain tells me about myself sometimes. which brings me to the last thing before i start yelling abt u all in alphabetical order:

thank you guys for being the Good Brains to help out when my Mean Brain gets too mean.

💙

@byungjoo

laura!! idk if u think abt this as often as i do (probably not) but like,, remember before we were friends and we had that ““discussion”” for abt .2 seconds regarding toppdogg going on the unit and then i thought u hated me for a couple weeks and then we became like the most amazing friends?? well reminding you of that is basically my long roundabout way of saying that our friendship is kind of a miracle to me, and i’m so so thankful that you’ve become someone i can trust with anything and not be judged for it :’) you always know what to say and you always make me feel special when we talk and just?? wow...don’t forget me when you become the biggest bts blog in the world......i saw one of your gifsets that had like 5k+ notes and almost shed a tear i was so proud of u.. i love you and thank u for being amazing all the time!! and for introducing me to twice and gfriend aka the most amazing girls!!! and of course....#laurjoo5ever <3

@gipsydangger

yo jo (that was lame im sry you deserve better) you havent been in the chat for super long but you’re One Of Us and also 1/2 of the Official Ruby-Got-Me-Into-IZ Squad so lots of love for you!! thank you for singing all star with me in an attempt to cleanse our chat of ******** (im just (all)starring out his name so he doesnt find this post and try to eat my heart again), thank you for being so nice and thoughtful and sweet and all the other amazing things youve been already, thank you for giving iz a shot and somehow becoming a fan in like 5 minutes (???amazing) you!! are a rock star!!! wow!!!!!!

@hjjxxn

ok alex i know you’re not tec h ni c a l ly in the chat but lets be real;;you’re still my Toppklass Queen ;; ur adorable! ur so kind! u work so hard! ur such a sweetheart! forget toppklass queen, u r the queen of my heart 💖 i cant believe we’re both hojoon stans AND yoongi stans it’s like we were meant to be friends or smth idk?? and you got me into winner and sent me the bEST videos of them holy shit im still laughing abt the one where theyre dancing to ‘hello bitches’ jshdkahds and mino’s duck song,,i cri :’( you have the best taste so i’m vv grateful to know you in the first place and! talking to you is super fun even tho we dont do it often <3<3 ilu <3

@itsachocolatecake

jess <3 our leader,,mother,,,resident Cutie Pie <3<3 i am so fond of you?? you’re loads and loads of fun to talk with and the chat would be so different without u, i’m not even gonna imagine it!! instead im gonna remember how you always cheer me up right away and help me remember whats good about myself and tell me that i’m not alone and give me great ideas for metaphors involving brains (like mental brains not physical brains)!!! our mutualness (mutualism? mutuality?? idk) goes waaay back, like, relatively, so thank you for following me in the first place bc it means we’re friends now !! love you <3

@kimsanggyum

kaliiiiiii!! my wonderful fellow scorpio (AHEM i mean what im not a scorpio who said that i’ll fight them) ur super fun and cute and as soon as you joined u fit right in even tho we’re all kind of weird and now you are One Of Us and it’s kind of hard to believe that you havent been since the beginning?? you’re such a cutie and i love love love talking to you and stuff <3 jdkjsldf dog pics are one of the many ways to my heart and your dog is amazing!!! thank you for sharing!!! you are amazing!!! tell canyon monroe i love him (again) and tell him from me to be nice to laura too,,anyway!! love u lots <3

@lapillity

melia. you. are. the. best. my text posts never go noteless bc of you :’) you’re honestly truly just the greatest?? not just bc you like my text posts tho, youre genuinely sweet and suuuuper nice like,,i cant say anything bad about any of the Stream Team tbh but MELIA!!1! you would have to murder a man for a not-justifiable reason for me to say anything bad about you :/ i think you are an Angel and you’re so cute??how are u so cute i dont get it :(( thanks for being my friend and also helping me reject that guy that one time,,without you i definitely would’ve screwed things up tbh so seriously!! thank you and i love you <3<3

@minty-sugar-kpop

minty i think i should tell u now that whenever i type “rip” on my phone the next suggested word is always “minty” :’) we’re always screaming abt kpop groups together like!! when clap was released u screamed about seventeen with me!!! when i told u i was getting into twice u screamed about twice with me!! when nothing else is happening u scream about toppdogg with me (and the rest of us)!!!! i love that youre as excited about your fave groups as i am about my fave groups because it helps remind me that it’s NOT weird to be really super extremely dedicated to things that make u happy and i still struggle with that sometimes so.... thanks for being you i guess?? also for getting rid of ******** from our chat with the power of ot13 :’)) love you <3<3<3

@reallyabananya

kat!! my Superhero!!! the lifegiver for minsung stans everywhere;; i am so grateful for literally everything you’ve ever done in your life but specifically 1) translating every. single. one. of minsung’s often long and very complex posts, 2) being my role model for running an update-esque blog! like!! if kat can do everything she does for her blogs and translate stuff and be so efficient at everything, i can do it for my one tiny little blog!!, 3) working so hard but always being so so sweet to everyone and being so amazingly humble all the time and being somebody i admire not only as a blogger but as a person too <3 (wow that was che e s y lol) im love you!! <3

@saltygot7

hi kendall! another scorpio wowie!!! of course i say “another” bc i already mentioned how kali is a scorpio,,it’s not because i’m a scorpio. because i’m not haha. anyway. im sorry i let ******** come between us, i know you didn’t mean to create a demon that would eventually possess both you and your phone and try to eat all of our hearts. i know and i’m sorry and i love you!!! i also know that you still think those asks u sent were hilarious but i forgive you bc i know you love me too <3<3 i can’t believe my Ultimate Bias and the true visual of our group loves me!! wow!!! thanks for all your amazing selfies, they always make me smile :’) you rlly know how to cheer everyone up and get us in a happy mood and just,,,thanks for always being your lovely self! love u lots <3

@sunshinesanggyun

bella 💕 i love you, i love you, i love you 💕 idk if you know this or not, but you were actually my first tk mutual <3 i remember when i got the notif that you followed me back and i was so excited because this person!! this person with an amazing blog and who i already thought was super cool!! wanted to follow me!!! i still think it’s amazing that you wanted to be my friend but i can’t really say that i “can’t believe it” anymore because i can;;; you’re my friend and i’m your friend and i love you!! i’ll remind you of that every day if i have to. you’re the other 1/2 of the Official Ruby-Got-Me-Into-IZ Squad (along with jovano) and it makes me so happy that you’re a fan now too!!!! you’re just awesone tbh?? you help me with my shitty stuff and i try my best to help you with your shitty stuff and!! you’re one of my best friends!! i’m so so happy and lucky and blessed and thankful to know you! never forget how much i love you forever 💕💕💕

@toppdoggzz

jacqueline;; the awesome aunt that’s super nice and who helps people when they’re sad;;(i can’t remember jess’s exact wording but it was True);;;; you’re so cool and amazing and honestly i find it incredible how you’ve been with bts from the beginning!! is that a weird thing to say as a compliment?? shdfsdhkd sorry but sticking with a group from debut is really admirable, especially because bts didnt start out super big but you stayed with em anyway :’) you’re such a star and you reblog my selfies when i ask you to (btw ur tags on my latest selfies had me cryin;;find someone who will compliment you every day like jacqueline complimented my decent-ish selfies;;) and you’re so great to talk with and yeah!! i love u!!!!

@zombietwink

isaiah. i hope u believe me when i say, from the very bottom of my heart: you are the Meme to my Internet Connection, the Cherry to my Bomb, the Chanyeol to my.....You. idk. you take my worst text posts that i make at like 3am and add the best things to them and make them Good and i love our convos in the replies of my posts alsjdsfjjs also can i just say?? i’m still not 100% sure what the whole thing is with like the “kin” meme (i get what it is but i dont rlly Get It u know) but literally any mention of it ever reminds me of you :’) it’s actually astounding how many memes make me think of you tbh..anyway, ur very very cute and soft and nice and youve been mutuals with me for a Long Time so thanks for thinking im cool enough to follow!!! and for still following me!!! love you <3

wow that took a long time but it was worth it!! tho i honestly wouldn’t blame you if you just skipped everything and only read the little section abt you lmao

well, happy new year! i hope lots of really good, and happy, and lovely, and wonderful things are waiting for you in 2018 ✨✨✨

#it took me abt 4 hours to make this post #thats how much i love all of you <3 #also i typed out a million little ''<3''s sldjflkdfsd #i never want to type one again except i do because they sometimes help me say i love you so it's all worth it!#u guys are worth everything!!!#✨💖💞✨💛💓✨❤️💗✨💓✨❣️💓✨💕💗💛✨❤️💖✨✨#ruby says things #mutuals <3 #<3 #DISCLAIMER: there were abt 2 people i didnt include bc i dont know their urls and we're not mutuals and we never talk so..........

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iamacolor · 7 years ago

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30 questions

tagged by @peterjonesparker who rocks and is one of the reason why I’m so grateful I discovered tumblr (edit : I just saw that @aqhrodites tagged me as well thank you very much! go follow this amazing writer)

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 people.

Nickname(s): none but some peopel (like 2 maybe?) call me Vi Gender: cisgendered woman Sign: pisces Height: 1.77 Time: 17:34 Birthday: March 13th Favourite bands: to be honest I don’t really listen to bands? I honestly can’t think of one right now, I’m more into solo artists (edit: I can’t believe I forgot take that ) Favourite solo artists: paloma faith, adele, caro emerald, grand corps malade, bénabar, lynda lemay... Song stuck in my head: I’ve had hallelujah on repeat in my head yesterday but these days I’ve listened to the shape of my heart from the movie léon by sting a lot, why do I only get sad songs stuck in my head Last movie i watched: I think it was an animated movie with my family but I honestly can’t remember Last show i watched: I’ve been watching the marvel netflix shows these last weeks (because I might be a little bit into kastle from seeing gifsets of them and reading way too many fics it made me want to watch everything) and after daredevil and jessica jones I’m watching Luke Cage right now (it’s so good!!! soooo good!!) When did i create this blog: 3 and a half years ago I think What do i post: thsi blog is a mess lol...I have some original contents of fics and edits when I have time (mostly yousana) and then I just reblog stuffs of things I like (tv shows, movies, books, fashion...) or find important or funny What did i last google: cathédrale fourvière to send a picture of it to @peterjonesparker Do i get asks: sometimes and I love it , I love answering asks Why did i choose this url: because my names is violette which is the name of a flower but also of the colour purple in french (I’m french) and I wanted something unrelated to fandom that I wouldn’t have to change and I don’t plan on changing my name either so iamacolor it is ! Average hours of sleep: it should be around 8 but I don’t know self discipline when it comes to sleep so it’s more like 6 (or less which is realy really bad) Lucky number: 13 Instruments: nope What i am wearing: a short orange and black dress in a kind of 60s style with the A line and short sleeves, black tighs and a black jumper Dream job: something in fashion but what? I don’t know, I’m trying to decide what I’m going to do next year for the rest of my studies after finishing this degree and I’m questionning a lot right now Favourite food: I can’t choose Last book i read: I’m reading Le goût de la mode that I bought while doing Christmas shopping for my family and it’s a cllection of short essays and extracts from books and litterature on fashion and the notion of trend 3 favorite fandoms: as problemetic as it might have been sometimes the skam fandom is always the one I feel closet with because I’ve made sooo many friends thanks to it (I’m still kind of blown away by the fact that I got to talk to all these amazing people and made some truly great and important friends)and it made me start writing fanfiction and making edits then the spideychelle fandom because we saw one movie and had two characters who barely interacted and we went yep this is true love right there let’s go crazy over it (and also everyone is so nice in it!!) and then the musketeers one maybe? (those 3 are the only ones I’ve created completely original content for as well ) or the jane austen one for the simple fact that people are still so invested in these stories that have been written centuries ago which is so beautiful to me

let’s see if i can get to twenty people @thickskinandelasticheart @cheekyeven @sana-bakkoush @smoothyousef @sanaflowers @yossiacar @nothesc @stressedoutteenager @savedbythespell @simonemalec @slytherino @janeaustenismysoulmate @paintedimaginings @naesheiims @livinonaflyingcarpet @rumaan @briskeboys @sanascilla @sanabakkoushisanangel @jennaush (no pressure, i’m just glad I found 20 people to tag)

#tagged

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jynappreciationsquad · 7 years ago

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Title: Prism

[Read on AO3]

Summary: Jyn’s perspective on her parents changes over the years as her own life experiences change.

A/N: A massive MASSIVE thank you to @wonderstrevor for making the beautiful gifset to go with this fic!

When Jyn is very small, Mama is more a collection of sensations than a person: a laugh, a smile, a smell, a feeling. Safe.

As she grows older, she learns what causes those things: Mama laughs when Papa twirls her round in the air, smiles at Jyn when she explains what adventures she and Stormy had been up to, dabs perfume on her wrists that Jyn forever associates with her alone.

With age also comes the knowledge that her Mama isn’t always happy. Visits from Uncle Orson always make her upset (Jyn can’t figure out why, she loves Uncle Orson with his funny stories and the toys he always brings) and sometimes she and Papa argue afterwards.

Jyn doesn’t understand any of it until long after the night she is shaken awake by Papa —

“Come on Stardust, quick and quiet...we’re going on a very important mission.”

— long after her mother tries to explain it to her —

“I know you like Uncle Orson, Jynnie, but sometimes he’s not a very nice man, and he works for some very bad people.”

“Does that mean Papa is bad?”

“‘Why do you ask that?”

“He works for Uncle Orson doesn’t he?”

“Not anymore, Jynnie.”

“So was he a bad man then?”

“No he just got caught up in...well, he got confused. Don’t worry, you’ll understand when you’re older. All you need to know is that your Papa is a good man.”

— but what she does understand is how much happier her parents are on Lah’mu, especially her Mama.

Her Mama starts singing, teaches Jyn songs about the green fields of Takodana, the mountains of Alderaan and the Ampohr trees and blue seas of Scarif —

“I see the moon and the moon sees me, down through the leaves of the Ampohr tree, Please let the light that shines on me, shine on the one I love…”

— and Jyn listens raptly and swears that she will grow up and visit them all.

Mama laughs more and smiles more and hugs Jyn more, cooks terribly and sews worse, and teaches Jyn all manner of things about rocks and dirt and farming, and if Papa sometimes scribbles frantically on scraps of paper which he later burns in their stove with an air of resignation, well, he still seems content. Those are the happiest years of Jyn’s life.

Then Uncle Orson returns and Jyn is betrayed.

She sits in the bunker and rocks and tightens her grasp around Mama’s necklace until she can’t feel her fingers anymore. She doesn’t close her eyes, because she doesn’t want to see Mama’s body — notdeadnotdeadnotdeadNOTDEADshecan’tbedeadpleasepleaseplease — and Krennic’s cruel smile — notUncleOrsonneveragain — and Papa walking away — comebackpleasecomebackdon’tleavemehere — but the visions play out in front of her eyes anyway in the darkness of the bunker.

She can’t understand why Mama went back. She was supposed to go with Jyn, that was the plan, that’s what they’d practiced over and over, her and Mama down in the bunker, sitting quietly and identifying the different rocks.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t unde—

The hatch opens. Jyn looks up and her new life begins.

Life on Lah’mu in no way prepared Jyn for life with Saw. The Partisans live rough, and there are few smiles and even fewer laughs. Hugs become a thing of Jyn’s past, as does practically all casual physical contact.

Sparring becomes her main source of human touch, and she throws herself into it night and day. She advances in leaps and bounds, quickly outstripping her instructors and earning Saw’s gruff praise, a rarity which she treasures when it comes.

She learns all the things that her parents had tried to shield her from: the Empire and their evil, the terror and havoc that they were wreaking, and, most of all, information about Jyn’s Papa and the weapons he made for them once and is now again, or so Jyn assumes. Her resentment towards her Papa festers. How could he leave with the man who murdered Mama? How dare he make weapons that killed other people?

And so she ignores the echo of his last words —

“Remember, whatever I do, I do it to protect you…I love you, Stardust.”

— and fights harder, pushes Saw to take her on missions, establishes herself as one of his fiercest and most loyal fighters.

While her memory of her Papa sours, her memories of her Mama linger brighter, tarnished only by the final betrayal that she cannot bring herself to forgive. Nonetheless, she ends every day with her fist clenched tight around the crystal at her neck, not quite praying, but it’s the time she feels most at peace.

She asks Saw about her Mama once. He has become withdrawn of late, from everyone, but from Jyn especially. They are sat in a bunker, larger than the one Saw rescued her from, but still cramped, especially with a small cadre packed in.

Saw is silent for so long after she asks him —

“Saw...canyoupleasetellmeaboutMama?”

— that she thinks he isn’t going to answer, another unanswered question to add to the pile, but eventually he says “Your mother was very brave, and very loyal. She loved you, and your father. She believed in the Force, and she believed in the Cause.”

He looks at her, really looks for the first time in months. “You are so very like her, Jyn.”

They are silent for a while and Jyn jumps when he speaks again.

“I know I have been harsh to you at times” — she shakes her head but he ignores her — “but you are like a daughter to me.”

Jyn thinks of her Papa and says defiantly, “You’re the only father I’ve had that’s counted.”

Saw smiles, though he looks sad, and pats her hand. “In the morning, I must take the cadre and go on ahead. Wait here for me, my child. I will return.”

In the morning, Jyn wakes alone. It takes her three days to admit to herself that he isn’t coming back.

For the next four years, Jyn does her best to feel nothing. She doesn’t think of Papa, walking away from her with Unc...the man in white. She doesn’t think of Saw, saying “I will return.” She doesn’t think of Mama, tying the crystal round her neck and then leaving, leaving, leaving. (She does still fall asleep holding the kyber tight, but it doesn’t bring her the peace it once did)

She doesn’t think and she doesn’t feel. She survives and she works for whoever will pay her enough to eat and keep a blaster on her hip and clothes on her back, and she finds that it’s surprisingly easy to ignore the injustices of the Empire if you’re not looking. (That’s a lie. She always notices, but it’s easier to pretend she doesn’t.)

Eventually though her luck runs out, she works with the wrong person at the wrong time and Liana Hallik ends up in Imperial custody and very quickly on her way to Wobani. She thinks of Mama for the first time in years as she’s forced into the mines, remembers Mama’s clever hands and kind words, explaining different types of rock to a younger version of herself, as the ‘troopers push the prisoners past the point of physical exhaustion towards insanity with their stun prods.

The ‘troopers guard every exit, keep a watchful eye over every group of toiling prisoners. There’s only one escape route left clear, a walkway to a patch of grey sky where you can step off and fall down, down, down to crunch against the bottom of the mine shaft below. The ‘troopers don’t try and stop any prisoner who walks that way. There’s always another one to take their place.

Jyn wonders, sometimes, about that patch of sky, whether it would be better to die looking up than at the hands of her cellmate or maybe an overzealous trooper shoving a stun prod in a bit too long. She walks all the way to the edge once, past the’ troopers and the other workers, the sky calling her, but when she gets there, she looks down and sees the bodies in varying stages of decay, and she can’t quite do it, can’t lie down just yet. She feels very aware of the crystal round her neck as she walks back, pulsing in time with her heartbeat it seems, and somehow it gives her the strength to pick up her tools once more, ignoring the jeers from the other prisoners and the threatening crackle of electricity from the ‘troopers prod.

That night she falls asleep with her fist around the crystal for the first time since she came to Wobani, and wakes to water dropping on her face and the snores of her cellmate, and she curses her own weakness and promises herself that today she’ll die looking up, but she never gets the chance, the Alliance throwing a wrench in her plans. It’s fitting, she thinks later, that her last view of Wobani is a fading patch of grey sky. That had always been her plan.

The Alliance leaders are a shriek of raw sound against her nerves, numbed by so long in Wobani, none more so than Captain Andor. There’s something about him, something Jyn can’t think to name, a fire in his blood that reminds her that her blood ran hot once, but she remembers the pain that comes with the heat, and shies away.

The mention of Papa rocks her to her core, because she isn’t lying, she did think he was dead, and the thought of Saw makes her sick, but the thought of Wobani makes her sicker, a knee jerk response that surprises her. She didn’t realise she had any fight left, but there it is, and so she agrees to give them an introduction.

Jedha is a surprise. She dreams of her parents as they travel and maybe that’s why she’s so on edge as they land, ready to start a fight where normally she would walk away, and talking to the blind monk unsettles her, reminds her of how her mother used to talk of the Force, dragging memories long hidden to the surface, but the Captain, Andor (Cassian), he surprises her the most, his idealism —

“Rebellions are built on hope.”

— and his willingness to put himself in harm’s way for her, how he shoots one of the Partisans without a second thought, and it’s been a long time, so long since she had someone to watch her back, and she attributes the heat in her belly to that, allows it to explain why she jumps in front of his droid, and claims them in front of the Partisans, claims her own name as well for the first time in years and it feels better than she can believe to be Jyn Erso again, makes her feel closer to her Mama, and to her Papa, who maybe, maybe hasn’t betrayed her as she thought.

He hasn’t.

His message cuts her wide open, no pretence at apathy left, because she hasn’t lived as he would would want, as Mama would want, allowed her own pain —

“The pain of that loss is so overwhelming I risk failing even now.”

— to make her lose sight of the Cause, and as they flee Jedha, crumbling now, brought low by the Empire at last, she grasps her necklace and prays to the Force, to Mama, please don’t let me be too late.

She makes it on time but somehow is still too late, the story of her life, and as they flee Eadu, she turns on Cassian, the fire in her belly still there, but fueled by rage now and not whatever strange affection she felt before, and she lashes out hard, feeling her blows hit with vicious satisfaction as his mask finally drops and he lashes back. It’s the most honest she’s been with anyone in years.

He’s obviously taken her words to heart, because he vanishes as soon as they land, and so she goes in front of the council, not alone, because Bodhi is there, brave Bodhi, but without Cassian, and that stings more than it should from a man who just tried to kill her father.

They don’t listen, because of course they don’t, Saw was right about them —

“The Alliance will never be capable of a decisive strike, because they do not have the strength to make the difficult decisions. This is why they have abandoned us, my child: they recognise that we will not hesitate.”

— but she was wrong about Cassian, he didn’t abandon her. She listens to his speech and her heart grows lighter with every word, and as the men rush past them, she has to tell him, let him know somehow how much it means —

“I'm not used to people sticking around when things go bad.”

— and his eyes soften as he leans in close and intimate —

“Welcome home.”

— and the crystal around her neck sings.

As if to make up for years of suppression, her memories of Mama and Papa are at the forefront of her mind as they move through the base on Scarif, their faces peering at her around every corner, Mama’s voice in her ear as she makes the leap onto the central tower in the vault, and when Cassian falls, his body crunching on steel beams, she screams his name and for a split second, she thinks about letting go too, thinks about climbing down to him, but the moment passes as she presses her forehead to the cold metal in front of her and she thinks I understand now Mama. I understand why you went back for him.

Krennic doesn’t recognise her. The shock on his face when she reveals herself —

“I'm Jyn Erso, daughter of Galen and Lyra. You've lost.”

— is almost worth the knowledge that she’s going to die at his blaster, the same way that Mama did, except when the shot comes she doesn’t feel it, and she watches in disbelief as he crumples at her feet, feels a smile come to her face unbidden as she looks up to meet Cassian’s eyes, alive, alive, alive.

She lets him pull her away from Krennic, supports him as they make it to the turbolift, watches him as they descend, unable to put her emotions into words, but for once certain that she is understood despite her silence. He says nothing either, but the words are unnecessary, his eyes speaking volumes.

They stumble out of the citadel into the daylight, and she can feel his weight growing heavier at her side, knows that if they don’t find a way off this planet soon that he might not be able…and then she looks up at the same moment as him and sees the light, too bright for the sun, and she understands immediately that there will be no way off the planet for them. Their fight is done, the baton passed, and all that’s left is peace and each other.

They move in silent agreement towards the water’s edge until she can carry his weight no more and they slide to the ground. Jyn spies the Death Star beyond the halo of light and struggles against the impulse to laugh hysterically as she remembers the song her Mama taught her so many years ago —

“I see the moon and the moon sees me…”

— before Cassian’s hand on hers distracts her —

“Your father would be proud of you Jyn.”

— and she can’t help but think —

‘He would, but not as proud as my Mama.’

— but there’s no time to explain, so she smiles at him in gratitude because he’s done what no-one else in her life has done, come back for her again and again, and she wants to give him some of that comfort back, carefully pulling his body against hers as he expends the last of his strength to return her embrace. He presses his face into her neck as she watches the light move towards them unblinking, her Mama’s voice echoing in her head.

“Over the mountains, down by the sea, that’s where my heart is longing to be, Please let the light that shines on me, shine on the one I lo—”

Fin

#jyn erso #jynersoedit #rogueoneedit #therebelcaptainnetwork #rogue one #ours #by: yavemiel #by: wonderstrevor #fanfiction #gifs #other: lyra erso #other: saw gerrera #other: galen erso #other: cassian andor

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