#i sat there eyes glued to the screen shitti g my pants

[hanninope]

shhsjsjsjs wTFFF

i have not seen an episode of tv that has sHOOK ME TO MY CORE

like thE SEVERANCE S1 FINALE

[machihunnicutt]

Small Hot Chocolate, No Whip (chapter 1)

(Or read on ao3.)

It was going to be a shitty day. He knew within a half an hour of opening that it was going to be an absolutely shitty day. The line was nearly out the door and Alana was sick so the new hire was on the register and she stumbled over orders which slowed him down and irritated the customers.

He'd forgotten his hair ties so his hair kept getting in his way and he'd dumped a hot cup of the Colombian blend down his jeans and the burns still stung. On top of all that he was in desperate need of a cigarette.

The drinks were almost stupidly complex today: a large soy half-caf latte with a shot of vanilla and extra steamed milk, all sorts of odd flavored shots and almond milk in drinks that shouldn't have any milk to begin with.

"One small hot chocolate, no whip please Connor," the new hire, whose name he thought was Amanda, said.

Connor whipped his head around to look at whatever angel had ordered a manageable beverage and found that it was a ridiculously cute boy in a blue polo with a nervous expression.

"Thank you," he said with a grin. "You're my easiest order of the day."

The boy blushed and fumbled with his cash as he handed it over.

Connor looked down at the name on the cup Amanda had handed him: Evan. He made the hot chocolate in record time, and winked at Evan when he came to collect it.

"Th-thanks," he stuttered.

"No problem. See you around I hope." Smooth, Connor Murphy could be smooth when he wanted to be.

Alright, so the day wasn't terrible after hot chocolate Evan. In the afternoon traffic slowed down and Amanda loaned him a hair tie. Evan sat in the corner of the cafe and tapped on the keyboard of his laptop as he sipped his drink. Connor stole glances at him between croissants and lattes. He must've been working on homework of some kind because every now and again his face scrunched up in concentration. He was there for hours, just working and gnawing on his lip and twitching nervously. Connor thought he must have lost track of time in his absorption. In fact, he hardly noticed when the shop started clearing out and Amanda counted the contents of the cash register while he cleaned.

"Do you want me to go tell him?" She asked, gesturing to the lone occupied table.

"No, thanks. I can do it," Connor said. Amanda smiled and went in the back to finish the deposit.

Connor proceeded with caution. Evan still hadn't looked up from his computer screen. His eyes were quite tired looking and his lips red from biting them.

"Hey, um we're closing up," he said. Evan looked up, startled, and knocked over his hot (now cold) chocolate. It went spilling across the table and over the edge to hit Connor's shoes.

"I-I'm so s-sorry!" He exclaimed, shaking like a leaf. Connor stood the cup upright and reached for a wad of napkins.

"It's alright," he said gently. The boy was clearly freaked out and he didn't want to make it worse. He could feel liquid in his socks. "I didn't mean to scare you. You look like you were working pretty hard."

Evan closed his laptop and gathered up his bag. "I'm really sorry. I was working on this paper and I g-guess I lost t-track of time."

"Are you a student?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, I'm an um...environmental science major."

Connor grinned. "That's cool."

"I shouldn't keep you. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Connor said, extending a hand. "I'm Connor Murphy."

"Evan Hansen," Evan said. "Nice to meet you."

"Do you live far?" Connor asked before he could stop himself. Zoe would say he was being too forward, and possibly creepy. But Zoe also said he wore too much black.

"It's a 10 minute walk," he said. "3rd street."

"I could walk you...if you want?"

Evan blushed. He looked even cuter when he was all pink. "Um, yeah. If you want to."

"Great," he grinned. "Just give me a minute."

Connor grabbed his bag, threw off his apron, and assessed the mess of dried coffee and wet chocolate on his pants and shoes. He grabbed a couple of slightly smashed muffins from the reject bin and clocked out.

"Care for a reject muffin?" He asked Evan, who was standing awkwardly by the doorway. "They're not nasty or anything, just a little rough around the edges." Kind of like him, Connor thought but didn't say.

"Sure," Evan said. "Thank you."

"Lead the way," Connor said, opening the door for him. It was cool and clear enough to see the stars. Evan waited until Connor had taken a bite of his muffin before he followed suit.

"Do you like being a barista?" He asked cautiously.

"I like it well enough. It's good money," he said, though his parents paid most of his expenses. "I kind of need a lot of structure to function," he laughed harshly. "Between school and work I don't have time to engage in destructive habits." He considered that this might be too much to say right off the bat but Evan only nodded.

"What are you studying?"

"English," he replied. His parents would've preferred a business degree but it had taken so long for their son to rebuild himself they couldn't help but support a subject that made him happy. He was happy. Happy was hard but he was happy. He'd gotten the barista job through Zoe's girlfriend Alana. Zoe worked alongside him between her own classes (of which she had quite a lot of in her psychology and music double major.) He and Zoe lived in a house near campus. After years of rebuilding their fragile relationship they could live in the same house without weekly meltdowns. Years of therapy and medication and regaining trust was beginning to take shaky steps towards paying off. "I'm a sophomore."

"Me too," Evan said. "My classes have gotten harder this semester and I have trouble keeping up sometimes...because of my anxiety."

He said anxiety like it was a dirty word and Connor looked over at him to see his eyes glued to the pavement.

"Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I've had a lot of trouble with mental health stuff too," he said. He was about to swap diagnoses, medical histories, and lessons from therapists if necessary. If he'd learned anything in the years since he tried to end it, it was that shame only made things harder. "If you ever need someone to study with..." What are you doing Murphy? You only just met the guy. "Feel free to hit me up." Evan laughed nervously and Connor shoved a piece of muffin in his mouth to avoid further embarrassment.

"I'm a lot better now than I used to be," Evan muttered. "Not that anyone can tell."

"The important thing is that you can tell," he said.

Evan laughed again, it was still nervous but Connor thought he quite liked Evan's laugh.

"Thanks," he mumbled. "Thanks I really needed that today."

"Is that your place up there?" Connor pointed to the small house with the porch light on.

"Yeah, Evan said. "It's not much, needs a new coat of paint. But it's fine for me and my roommate Jared."

"It's nice," Connor said, eying the plants in neat rows around the front patch of land. "Are you a gardener Evan Hansen?"

Evan's face lit up. "I'm an amateur botanist. I have the flowers in the front yard and some succulents and a bonsai tree inside."

As if the dork wasn't cute enough.

"Well I guess this is goodnight," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and shooting Evan a smile. "See you around. I hope?"

"Yes," Evan said quickly. "Goodnight Connor Murphy."

"Goodnight Evan Hansen."

***

"Oh my god," Zoe looked positively joyous. "My brother has a crush!"

"On who?" Alana came up beside them with a tray of scones.

"Small hot chocolate no whip!" She replied excitedly, stirring a bowl of orange flavored glaze.

"You know him?" Connor shot back.

"I know his order," Alana answered for her. "He's been coming here for weeks but you've either been off or in the back until now."

"Can you believe it Alana? Con's got a thing for hot chocolate boy."

"He has a name," Connor said. "It's Evan."

"I can't even remember the last time you had a crush. Was it middle school?"

Maybe it was the internalized homophobia or maybe it was the general dearth of nice, funny, and cute boys willing to talk to him in high school.

"I just walked him home. It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal? That's a huge deal! Did you get his number?"

"No," he said. "But he said he'd see me around."

"So that's why you combed your hair today! I thought I was hallucinating."

Connor's face went red and he rolled his eyes. It wasn't as if he had much experience with this. He didn't really know he was capable of flirting before last night. Although something told him Evan wasn't used to this sort of interaction either.  

"Let me French braid then. It looks so cute like that," Zoe said, reaching out for his mess of brown hair.

"Fine," he mumbled, not wanting to admit that he liked it when she braided his hair (not only because he did look nice with a braid but because he felt closer to her whenever she offered.)

She sat him down at one of the tables while Alana finished up with the new pastries. Running her fingers through his hair, she began twisting strands into a neat braid. "You remembered your meds this morning right?" He never forgot but she worried, so she asked. Sure, there were bad days: days where everything felt like an argument and his ears didn't stop ringing. But today wasn't one of those days.

"Yeah, I did."

"Good, okay you're done."

She grinned at him when he stood up, and Alana gave him a thumbs up. It was time to open.

He quickly found that he was wrong about yesterday. Yesterday was a walk in the park compared to today. Orders flew like major league pitches and he always swung two seconds too late. They were out of cold brew, which seemed to piss everyone off.

An hour and a half in his ears started to ring in the foreboding way they always did. Alana looked over at him with concern written all over her face and asked him if he wanted to take his break. He accepted.

It was kind of cold outside. He pulled the sleeves of his dark sweater over his hands and crossed his arms over his chest. He was in the habit of wearing long sleeves to cover up the scars on his arms but it really was jacket weather. He couldn't go back inside to get his jacket though. He wasn't sure he could go back inside. He sucked in a few deep breaths and tried to focus his swimming vision. When things were too much he either snapped or fell apart. Today was the latter.

He had four more hours in his shift and he wasn't sure he could do it. Damn his brain. He closed his eyes.

"H-hey, Connor?" His vision was still tilting but it was unmistakably Evan Hansen, nervous and bundled up in a navy coat and sky blue scarf. "Are you okay?"

"I'm...uh. I'm having a bad day," he replied, hoping that his emphasis on the word bad wasn't revealing too much.

"Can I get you anything? Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No," he said too quickly. He should want Evan to leave before he saw him make anymore of a pathetic fool of himself but he didn't. "No, um...distract me. How are you?"

Evan's expression softened. "I'm okay. I just got out of my climate lecture. Here." He pulled off his scarf and wrapped it around Connor's neck. Connor felt his shoulders relax a fraction.

"Did something happen?" He asked.

"No, it was all just a little much," he breathed.

Evan was nodding. "I like your hair," he said.

Connor had forgotten about his braid. He laughed. "Thanks, my sister did it," he said, gesturing to the cafe behind him.

"Your sister works with you?"

"Uh, yeah. Zoe said you were a regular?"

"Zoe's your sister?!" Evan exclaimed, face turning a startling shade of pink.

"Yeah..." he answered slowly, brow furrowing. "Why?"

"Nothing," he said, voice hopping up an octave. "I just...she's nice."

Connor's heart dropped. He had a crush on Zoe didn't he. Yet another person liked her better than him. He didn't blame him, in honesty he liked Zoe better too.

"Connor?"

"I should go back in," he said, handing back the scarf.

Evan's expression muddled. "Oh, okay. You're sure your okay?"

"I'm fine," he said through gritted teeth, fighting off the urge to snap at him. "You should get your hot chocolate."

Inside, Zoe's eyes found his with worry. He tucked some stray hair behind his ears and stalked behind the counter again, thanking Alana for her patience and pointedly ignoring his sister.

Evan got his hot chocolate and smiled at him and Connor tried not to be upset. He was being stupid. He barely knew Evan. It didn't even matter. But it had been years since he'd even considered asking someone out and now his plans were shattered.

"What is up Con? You're looking at me like I just killed a puppy," Zoe said, trying to keep her voice light but visibly concerned. It was closing time and he was wiping down the counters rather aggressively. Evan had gone with his hot chocolate, saying goodbye but seeming confused and downtrodden by Connor's apathy.

"Nothing."

"Seriously Connor, what happened with Evan?"

"Leave me alone Zo. I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine," she said, deflated. "Alana and I are having movie night. I'll be back by 11:30."

He went home and smoked in the backyard so Zoe wouldn't smell it when she came back. The pot made him feel less shaky and hurt. He took a scalding hot shower, standing under the water and letting it burn from his scalp down his back. The bathroom filled up with steam and choked, broken sounds escaped his throat without his consent. You're being stupid Murphy. Why does everything end in tears with you?

He fell asleep before Zoe came home.

The next day he had class but no work so he didn't have the misfortune of accidentally running into Evan Hansen. His classes weren't all that bad this semester: a personal essay writing course (which he didn't entirely suck at), a fiction class centered around the coming of age story (which seemed oddly fitting), and a couple of history and science credits he needed to graduate. He paid attention in his lectures and then went to the library (best to steer clear of the cafe) to study. He was trying his best not to half ass things or let his grades slip when he felt drained and sliced open and generally shitty. His unspoken reserved desk was waiting for him on the fourth floor and so, he realized with horror, was Evan Hansen.

Well, waiting for was the wrong way to say it. Obviously Evan didn't know he'd be there. In fact, he didn't even look up until Connor was at the desk right beside him. He seemed engrossed in a big book with an oak tree on the cover.

"Are you stalking me Hansen?" He asked, smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Evan was cute when he was surprised, not that he wasn't cute all of the time. The anger from yesterday had faded a bit. Connor Murphy was used to disappointment (as much as it stung.)

"Connor! I didn't know you'd be here. I was..." He looked down at the book in his lap. "Distracted." So was Connor, but by Evan Hansen's freckle-y face.

"I um...are y-you angry w-with me?" He managed. "Yesterday you seemed k-kind of..."

"No," Connor cut in. He felt a surge of guilt for his juvenile meltdown. Evan didn't deserve it. "No, I'm sorry. It was just a bad day. It wasn't you."

"Oh," Evan looked relieved. "Okay good. I was wondering then if we might e-exchange emails that is...if you'd want to t-talk to me and uh...be f-friends?"

Connor cocked his head to one side in confusion. "Emails? I could just give you my number?"

"Oh! Right, your number. Y-yeah, that's fine."

Connor laughed. This could work. He could get over his little crush and maybe get a friend out of the whole mess.

"Here." He pulled a Sharpie out of his back pocket and gestured for Evan to stick out his hand. "Is it chill if I write it on the back of your hand?" Evan nodded and Connor took his, slightly sweaty, hand in his. Evan had short, stubby fingers with nails bitten short. Connor wrote his name in block letters with his number beneath. "Nice to see you Hansen."

"Yeah, n-nice to see you too Connor."

When Evan left the library, and Connor was hard at work on his essay he got a text:

Hi Connor :) -Evan

He spent the next half hour stalking his Instagram: photos of him and his roommate, videos of sunlit tree branches, and one of a tragically bare cast on his arm. He scrolled through his own feed when he got home, hair wet from the shower, eyelids drooping already. Was Evan looking at the old photos of him when his acne was bad and cheeks chubby because his medication wasn't properly calibrated yet and fucked with his metabolism? On second thought why did he even have those photos up still? He hoped he was looking at the slightly better adjusted photos of his: third wheeling it with Zoe and Alana, sunshiny pictures of him reading on the couch credited to Zoe, and the three of them again at a pride parade. The last one had Zoe and Alana kissing and him with his face painted in rainbow hues. He hoped especially that Evan saw that photo and not that he only looked him up to get to Zoe.

"You need to stop," Zoe said, far too dramatically given the situation at hand.

EH: Are you at work?

CM: ya, it's a drag. U should come save me.

EH: I have class :( I can be there in an hour?

CM: nice, I'll take my break when u get here.

CM: shit, sis is on my ass ttyl

"I know you got this job because of nepotism but you've gotta stop texting that boy while you're supposed to be working."

Connor turned red. "Fine."

"What happened between yesterday and now bro?"

Connor looked down. "I think he has a crush on you. He's probably straight," he said quietly.

"Connor..."

"Shut up, I'm over it already. We're going to be friends."

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked, voice gentle.

"I'm fine," he said through gritted teeth. "It was a stupid crush."

Zoe knew the truth. Neither of them had to say anything.

"Connor, two vanilla lattes and a mocha!" Alana called, voice bordering on irritated. Connor did as he was told.

He fell into the monotonous routine of the work: steaming milk, letting the harsh grind of the blender clog his ears, and fixating on the chips in his nail polish. He almost missed it when Evan walked through the front door.

He still had traces of Sharpie on his hand, and he tugged at the hem of a blue cable knit sweater. His face was flushed from the autumn chill and he looked around like he wasn't supposed to be here.

Connor tracked his movements to the end of the sizable line and nearly spilled a caramel macchiato.

"Hey Alana can I go on break?" He burst, too quickly and much too loudly.

She glared at him but relented. Zoe took his place and he hurried in the back room to clock out and take off his apron. He'd brought lunch from home: a container of pitiful veggie slices and hummus, a smashed peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a handful of medication in a plastic baggie. He filled up his water bottle, glossed over his thin face and tired eyes in the mirror, and went out to meet Evan.

He was twitching anxiously at a corner table, hot chocolate in hand. Connor smiled and took the seat across from him. "How's it going Hansen?"

"I'm good, h-how are you Connor?"

He emptied the contents of his lunch on the table and took the pills in his hand. "Could be worse," he grinned, swallowing his medication with a long sip of water. "Do you like hummus?"

Evan nodded and he pushed the container of vegetables to the center of the table for easier sharing.

"Zoe and her girlfriend Alana are always trying to get me to eat healthier. They're all about chia seeds now," he said, nose scrunching up.

"Alana," Evan repeated, and it occurred to Connor that Evan probably didn't know Zoe had a girlfriend. "She was in a lot of your..." he stopped, face crimson.

"A lot of my what?" He asked.

"I k-kind of l-looked at your Instagram page," he managed, not meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"No reason to be sorry," Connor laughed. "Alana and Zoe are in most of my photos. And if we're being honest I looked you up too."

Evan's head shot up. "You did?"

"I like to know a thing or two about my friends," he said. "How did you break your arm by the way?"

Evan grimaced and Connor wished he could take the question back. "I didn't mean to pry or anything."

"It's okay," he said tightly. "It's just...a little hard to talk about."

"I get it," Connor said. "I did some shit in high school I don't like talking about." He traced the scars on his wrists with his thumb. "So what did you learn about me?"

Evan stumbled over his words for a second and then settled on. "You like books and you love your sister. You always have your nails painted and..." he trailed off.

"I'm super gay. You got that right?"

Evan nodded, hint of a smile on his lips.

"And you like trees."

Evan nodded again, eyes lighting up. "I love trees."

"Trees are cool," he said dumbly, mostly to see his eyes shine again.

"I can take to on a nature walk sometime if you want," he said, no trace of his stutter.

"Absolutely," he said. He took a bite of his sandwich and Evan sipped his hot chocolate. "I have to get back," he said reluctantly. "But I'm glad you came. Text me okay?"

"S-sure," he said.

"See you, Hansen." Don't get a bigger crush Murphy. Stop.

He did face masks with Zoe that night. He was making popcorn, face still green from the mask, for their movie night when his phone pinged.

Instagram: Evan Hansen has followed you

He followed him back.