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peppusae · 7 years ago

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[jjk] how do you fix a broken flower?

how do you fix a broken flower?; wheelchair! jeon jungkook x reader ft. min yoongi

genre; angst, angst, angst! >o<

word count; 16610

note; this is dedicated to all of you who cried when it stuck oo;ookst on 170901... i can't be the only one, right? TvT special thanks to carms who helped proofread this and motivates me so much in general! i love you!

💫

whatever you imagine, it would hurt ten times worse. and that's the beauty of your imagination, it can help your heart hurt less sometimes

how do you fix a broken flower?

there's a painting on the wall to his left, a monochrome artwork of what seems like a park. a deserted park, broken swings, rusted monkey bars, and pieces of trash collected near the sandbox. it was dull, boring, and lifeless.

what stood out was the small vegetation that had just barely started to grow, right behind the swings. in a monochrome painting, these little bits of grass stood out as the only object to have any colour.

jeongguk's amused eyes never got enough of that painting. as he laid on the bed, listening to soft music, he realizes just how much he relates, to the grass.

he tried so hard, and yet, he was stuck here; somewhere he did not belong to. he wonders what kind of sins he had committed in his past lives. theft? murder? an inhumane breaking of hearts? he spends hours thinking about what he might have done, but he just knows that it wasn't fair. if he did something in his previous lives, he should have been punished then. not now, when he had done absolutely no wrong.

and yet, despite all the internal complaints and breaking of his heart over and over again, he's left with nothing but a broken leg, a shattered future and worst of all; damaged friendships.

he's thinking about the 16-year-old jeon jeongguk, who had spent all his time dancing, singing, and just... moving. the jeongguk who lived, breathed, and expressed life.

and here he was now, thinking that if he had done just one thing different back then... would his chest be paining this much?

he feels a little nostalgic, too. how he'd finished high school with barely any friends, and now... he's got none.

he was never good at approaching people, after all.

there's a knock on the door before a nurse steps in, a tray in hand as she walks up to him. "good afternoon, jeon, did you eat well?"

"yes, ms. ahn." he falls silent when she extends a hand out to him, three white pills and a paler, round tablet in the centre of her palm. he grimaces.

"here."

if these are painkillers, why does my heart hurt so much?

jeongguk quietly takes the pills, swallowing it in one go before he is handed his walking stick. rejecting the nurse's hand offering help, he rests one hand on one of the handlebars, plopping himself onto his newest, most hated compainion: his wheelchair.

he feels his leg tingle a little; perhaps it's a bit of a cramp, he wasn't too sure. all he knew was this: 'there goes another nurse who is fed up with me.'

he couldn't even blame her. he's been causing little trouble for the nurses, and he swears that it's not his intention to hurt their feelings by rejecting their help... he just doesn't like the feeling of being dependent on a person.

the pace at which he wheels the chair picks up, as he enters the left wing. as the days passed, he noticed that this particular wing had fewer people roaming around; perhaps it's because the wing was specialised for the physically challenged, or people suffering from cardiovascular diseases which are more serious and fatal. whatever the reason, he liked the left wing for the less number of people, and less people meant that he'd see less of people who had the power in them to walk like normal human beings... unlike jeongguk himself.

he's wheeling it as fast as he could, not minding the couple of people that actually were going on with their daily lives. his eyes are fixed on the small flower patterns of his loose hospital pants, and while he wheeled himself, it made him feel... alive, almost like the way he felt when he's dancing on stage, in front of thousands of fans who loved him, adored him; the fans that shared his energy...

and now, he hates himself to the point where he wants to cry. jeongguk wants an excuse to yell his lungs out in frustration, to express all his suffering, his pain, in pure, loud, screams of anger, wishing some of the pain would vanish, if he did. and while he raced along the corridor, he's able to use the thrill he feels as an excuse to yell.

"aaaargh." he grunts, heavily breathing before he lifts his gaze up.

and as soon as he does, his hands instantly fly up from wheels because there's a girl standing in front of his path, a hand signalling for him to stop.

she doesn't budge, despite the fact that jeongguk came a breath's distance close to colliding with her, and he had to give her a startled look of acknowledgement for being that brave.

he takes a minute to catch his breath, moving his wheelchair a safe distance away so that he could look up at the girl properly. jeongguk sees that her hair flows, neatly tied to the back. as he tilts his head in confusion, his eyes land on where her other hand is, and the iv drip connected to the top of her palm is confirmation that she, too, is a patient in the hellhole people referred to as a hospital.

he's waiting for a reaction; maybe a lecture about the brain cells he's lacking to do something so dangerous in a place like this - and he doesn't even realise just how dangerous it was until right now.

saying that he was shocked would be an understatement; especially when all she does is to rotate her extended hand, offering him a handshake. there's a quiet boom inside his head because that was the very last thing on his mind. a lot of things make jeongguk hesitate.

he has never been approached by a stranger this way, much less anyone in the hospital he's been stuck at for the past couple weeks. and he feels his heart sting at how innocent that gesture was, in contrast to the empty havoc he's been used to as a celebrity. and there is so much more he's thinking about while he sniffles a little, wiping a hand on the cloth of his trousers to clean his hand a bit, before reciprocating the gesture.

a firm handshake, which leaves a genuine smile on jeongguk's face.

"hello," he introduces himself, "i'm jeon jeongguk from ward b-2, wing 1."

the girl responds with a curt nod in acknowledgement, humming softly while she breaks the handshake and takes out her smartphone from her shirt pocket. she takes a couple seconds typing something, which she shows after she's done.

'hi. i am [last name] [first name]. ward f-3, wing 2."

jeongguk is wondering if she doesn't respond due to language barriers, but he isn't able to ask further because a door nearby opens with a loud bam.

"[name]! it's time to take your medicines!" a soft voice yells. the girl's head whips from the door, back to jeongguk, a little smile forming on her face as she puts her phone back in her pocket. she gives him a soft wave as a goodbye, and jeongguk nods, hands moving up to wave back. he's a little too late, and the girl misses seeing his attempt to respond back.

and yet, with a heavy heart, he wheels himself back to his wing; perhaps a strange encounter as such drained out all his energy.

jeongguk falls asleep minutes after he hops himself onto his hospital bed.

>>>

"gukku, i'm leaving snacks in the fridge, alright? there are sandwiches and pizza too. i'm sure there's a microwave outside, right?"

"yes mom. i'll eat well." jeongguk promises his mother, who's packing her belongings into a tote bag. "please hurry home and get some rest."

"if you would just let me stay-"

"no, mom. it's fine. you're busy so it's okay."

jeongguk's mother sighs loudly, taking in a long exhale before giving a nod. she pats his hair a little, something which makes him shake his head and whine. the two exchange a little laugh before she picks up a cup of ramyeon which he notices she hadn't put away yet.

"i'll keep this and some rice to cook in the microwave, okay? pick it up in three minutes, gukku."

"okay, mom. thanks."

jeongguk's mother leaves with the food in hand, and he purses his lips a little. stretching himself a little, he hops onto his wheelchair, picking up his headphones before making his way towards the door. closing the door behind him, he wheels himself along the empty corridor, and when he passes a group of younger boys huddled together in the waiting room, he feels his heart sting a little.

he missed them. he missed him.

he missed his hyungs terribly, and he feels a little teary-eyed about the fact that everyone except him had contacted him after his accident. they asked him how he was coming along, how they would visit him as soon as their events were wrapped up...

and how he had simply packed up his bags and left, leaving bangtan on the verge of splitting up for good.

and for that, jeongguk hated himself. it was all his fault, the futures of all six of his hyungs were on the brink because of jeongguk, and for that, he would never be able to forgive himself.

it's not hyung's fault! a low sigh escapes from between jeongguk's lips, manoeuvring himself to the microwave section. as promised, his food was inside; the steam that comes out of it as soon as the door opens makes jeongguk's mouth water a little. he proceeds in taking the cup out and trying to balance it on his lap before reaching for the rice pack.

no one goes to help him.

and it's jeongguk's own fault, for rejecting any help he's offered, to date. he's notorious for that in the first wing, after all.

"now, if i can just get this ri-"

there's a tap on his left shoulder, and jeongguk almost spills the contents of his cup when he cranes his neck back. when he sees the soft expression on the face of the girl he'd seen a few days ago in wing two, he relaxes a little.

"oh. hello."

the girl nods, reaching for the tray of rice inside the microwave. jeongguk, upon noticing this, is about to protest when she raises a finger up to her pursed lips. she steps back a little, and jeongguk feels a little uneasy while he holds his ramyeon in one hand and wheels himself with the other. the girl quietly follows him while reeling her iv drip stand, a steaming pack of rice in her other hand.

if she wasn't speaking due to language barriers, then why did she leave the other day when her parent asked for her, in korean? jeongguk's mind wonders as he makes a mental note to ask her that later on... if he had the chance.

upon reaching jeongguk's hospital room, [name] points at the door, to which he gives a simple nod in agreement. he didn't want to open the door with his dusty hands, so he watches as it gets opened for him, and then he enters, the girl following with a little bow behind him.

the presence of someone else inside the room, besides his parents, makes jeongguk realise just how lonely he was feeling, even now when the girl is around. he's quiet when he watches her place his food at the small countertop and then takes her phone out.

"thank you, [name]. i feel like my ramyeon would be a little soggy by now." he laughs a little, reaching for a pair of chopsticks from the drawer and splitting it in the middle.

the girl shows her phone screen to jeongguk, which reads 'shall i get some coffee?'.

"ah, it's fine! you don't have to-"

her expression clouds a little, lips pursing again while she starts to type something else.

'i will assume you like milk coffee.'

jeongguk wonders what language she was used to speaking. perhaps she understood korean, how else is she responding to what he said? in fact, he wants to ask her that when she comes back, because he's finally made a friend and he badly wants to hear her voice. he's been so accustomed to silence, and there was nothing the 19-year-old hated more.

so, in between slurping some of his ramyeon, he looks up at the girl sitting in front of him with a cup of iced coffee.

"[name], do you know korean?"

she nods in response.

"why won't you talk to me, then?"

blinking a little, she places her cup of coffee on the countertop and takes out her phone again. smacking his lips, jeongguk takes another bite out of his food because the girl takes a while to type what she had in mind.

and finally, when she places her phone beside his steaming cup of ramyeon, jeongguk peers over to the lit-up screen.

and he's lost.

'i'm mute... but see! i'm still talking to you!'

there's a huge part of his heart that breaks, because it always felt like all the innocent people in the world are made to suffer and face all the hardships. and as his eyes, full of sympathy, lifts up to the girl who has an innocently beautiful smile on his face... jeongguk feels his heart all but sink.

"i'm so sorry," he whispers. he's so scared to say anything else; afraid that he might say something else to hurt his new friend's feelings.

'it's alright. it happened recently so i don't know much of sign language. yet.' her phone displays, while her face shows a bright smile. how someone can be so cheerful even though they had to go through something like that... it amused him.

jeongguk puts his chopsticks down, making a sign he's seen a couple months ago, when he watched a japanese anime called koe no katachi. there's a blank expression on [name]'s face, and jeongguk can't help but chuckle.

"it means that i want to talk more with you."

her mouth is in the shape of an 'o' before it softens into a smile. a soft, endearing smile, that he could tell, meant that she too, thought the same.

jeongguk tried his best to stay cheerful until she says her goodbye and leaves after a few minutes. and when she does, he eats in pitiful silence while contemplating the fact that his friend... his only friend, was mute.

>>>

jeongguk has been playing overwatch without breaks for 7 hours straight, only pausing when his nurse arrives with his daily painkillers and other medicines which he absolutely loathed. after she leaves without a word, jeongguk feels demotivated to continue playing and he lets out a heavy sigh.

his phone lets out a loud ring, and he almost drops his phone when he sees that it's from taehyung. putting his headphones on, he puts the phone down and swipes across the screen.

"hyung, hello."

"hi, jungkookie. how are you?"

jeongguk notices the concern in taehyung's voice, and he presses his lips together into a smile. "i'm feeling a lot better, hyung. thank you. how is shooting going?"

"i miss you, jungkookie."

jeongguk pauses at the words; he's always been envious of taehyung because he was able to say how he felt so easily, all while he himself struggled. there were times when he knew what he should say but he'd be too embarrassed... or the other times, he'd simply be oblivious until jimin or namjoon would poke him and tell him what is supposed to be said.

it was simply something about himself that he wanted to change, but that was all. he wanted to, yet it remained as something he was unable to.

"thank you, hyung." jeongguk mumbles softly, and he can hear the voice of taehyung's husky breathing, making him feel a little more comfortable at the familiarness. it did that, but now that he's heard taehyung's voice, and found out that the others are doing well, he begins to think of ways to cut the call.

"we'll visit you next saturday, okay? when we're less busy." taehyung has to say, in such a low voice that jeongguk wonders if his hyung had sneaked out from the practice room and called him.

"okay."

"then i'll hang up. take care, until we get there, okay?"

jeongguk hums in acknowledgement, and there's a long pause - in fact, the pause is so long that he thinks taehyung had hung up, and almost pressed the button to cut the cal himself.

"yoongi-hyung loves you too, don't forget that."

jeongguk isn't able to respond before taehyung cuts the call. he didn't think he would have been able to respond to that, even if taehyung had waited for one. the 19-year-old sighs softly, placing his phone down as he lay on bed.

music booming from his deep red bluetooth speaker, jeongguk thinks about how nice it would be when his hyungs would come visit him and they all would share a good meal together. a small smile forms on his face at the thought, and there's a soft knock on the door. he didn't need to wait until the door opens, to know who it was.

only she would knock that way, jeongguk had learned that, and he's smiling a little when [name] steps in, reeling her iv-drip stand along with her. he notices that her iv drip was refilled, and her lips are pursed; she had obviously finished making a fuss when she had to get a new injection.

"hi, [name]." he greets, and the girl nods a little, closing the door behind her as she walks up to the boy.

'you look cheerful.'

"i am cheerful." jeongguk responds happily, watching the way [name] had already started to type something on her smartphone.

'that's the most of a smile i've ever seen on you.'

jeongguk wonders what to say in response to that. it's been a few days since the two had coffee together, and every evening, the two would meet outside the flower quads in the ground floor of wing 2. jeongguk's favorite was the pink, baby roses on the left-hand corner of the quad, while [name] confessed to being obsessed with the beauty that was known as baby's breath.

which was why, she had once even gone so far as to try and pull one of the little white flowers growing at the centre... only to be stopped dead in her tracks when one of the guards called her out and shooed both of them away.

"my hyungs are coming to visit me this saturday." jeongguk says, and her lips part a little as she nods, typing aggressively on her phone.

'then, shall we go on a long walk on friday to make up for missing saturday's walk?' she suggests, and jeongguk nods, he had flirted with the idea of asking her that but ditched it last minute, feeling like it wasn't necessary.

"yes. i know he probably won't, but i just, really, really want suga-hyung to come visit me." there's a sad expression on her face, and jeongguk takes that as an encouragement to continue. "but i know he blames himself for this," he pauses to point at his feet, "but it really isn't his fault. it's mine."

it was never an easy task for jeongguk to speak about things bothering him. he'd rather beat around the bush, either because it was too embarrassing, or he just didn't feel like it was of much value. as long as his hyungs were happy, then he was the kind of person who would bear whatever frustration he had by himself... cracking every once in a while when given a slight push by his maknae line hyungs.

so, it takes a lot of urging, a lot of typing on the smartphone, and a lot of time in general, before [name] finally holds her phone up.

'it's not your fault, either.'

"... you don't understand, it is my fault. i'm always causing problems for suga-hyung!"

there's a sad smile on her face as she shakes her head, but jeongguk was not done.

"i could do anything i want and hurt myself, but nothing could make it worse....[name], it's not my leg that hurts the most... it's my heart." the girl frowns, her own heart stinging painfully as she looked at jeongguk, who couldn't make proper eye contact with her.

"it was me who had to go out drunk after my fight with suga-hyung! he probably blames himself but it wasn't him, it was me, and i really do deserve that," he's pointing at his leg, intact in the plaster donned and [name]'s smile disappears, tapping her phone while jeongguk continued.

"and tae-hyung told me that suga-hyung just packed his belongings and he just left... he's not taking part in the recordings anymore, and it's my fault! maybe if i just died-"

jeongguk comes to a halt when the girl gives up on typing and raises a hand up. there's an uneasy look on [name]'s face as she blinks with wide eyes, trying to catch her breath while she grips the metal of her iv drip. jeongguk panics, wondering if he went too far, when she puts her phone down on jeongguk's hospital bed; fully giving up on typing anything anymore.

there is silence for a while until she points at the flowers on their matching hospital pants, and then points towards the window.

ah, she wants to go to the garden?

the flower quad was her escape, something that jeongguk had learned over the few days. he lets out a sigh in defeat, taking hold of the metal rim of his bed to get himself off from his bed. jeongguk relaxes a little when he sees her going towards the window and closing up the curtains; he was really glad she did not try to help him get on his wheelchair like the nurses had tried to earlier.

he was so glad that she had learned it by herself, and jeongguk feels slightly sympathetic as he realises the reason why she did that would have been because she probably felt all the same ways he did about being in the hospital. he couldn't wait to get better, and hopefully, in a near future, be able to join bangtan with their practice once again.

it's quiet between the two friends, and jeongguk has to admit that he really appreciated the fact that [name] walked right beside him, instead of behind and helping him reel the wheelchair; he was capable of doing that himself.

climbing down to the ground floor, the two pass by many groups of people. jeongguk was glad that whoever had hit him during the accident, was kind enough to offer him to stay at a private hospital. he didn't want to imagine the commotion of being in public, not when he felt so lousy and worthless. what did he have to show anyone? he knew no one would like this side of jeongguk, but he was glad that [name] didn't mind.

upon reaching the back entrance, the girl walks ahead, quietly walking to the centre of the flower quads. jeongguk watches as she lets go of her iv drip stand, her eyes glowing as she looked at the flowers. he could see what she loved so much about the flowers, because he was slowly starting to like them, himself.

"oi!" there's a loud yell from the entrance, and the two watch, horrified, while a man, dressed in a security uniform, appears up to the two. he points an accusing finger at [name], and it is then only, that jeongguk realises that it was the same guard that had chased her off, the first day she passed by the flowers.

"you're picking flowers again, aren't you?"

the girl shakes her head, unable to hide the stupid, goofy grin on her face. jeongguk watches with a startled expression when [name] tugs on his vest, motioning for him to follow her. shooting the guard an apologetic look, jeongguk does as requested, following the girl, whose shoulder rises up and down as she tried her best to stifle her laughter, and failed terribly.

he himself chuckles, not daring to turn back to the man in fear of what kind of expression he would be making right about now. they stop walking by gate, when [name] takes her phone out from her pocket, typing something. jeongguk raises his head to look at the girl while she tucks a lock of loose hair behind her ear.

'ah, there it is.' her phone reads. jeongguk tilts his head a little, pursing his lips as he watched the girl erase what she wrote and begin typing something new again.

"what?"

'you were sad but... i got you to smile.'

>>>

friday went by the slowest. that was what jeongguk was feeling, because he was anticipating his hyungs' visit the next day. playing games and watching videos for hours, jeongguk gets bored, deciding to head off to wing 2 to see if [name] was around in her room. as he reeled himself through the corridors, he realised that after meeting her, he was slowly starting to control how angry he got over himself.

jeongguk still blamed himself, but it made his heart feel soft to know that there was someone who didn't blame him... or yoongi... or anyone, for that matter. [name] simply blamed destiny, and that kinda... makes it easy for jeongguk to breathe calmly.

taking in a deep inhale, jeongguk knocks on the door to room 901. there's no response, so jeongguk waits for a couple minutes before he opens the door, excusing himself as he does so. it's his first time actually inside her room, so the first thing he notices is the glow-in-the-dark stickers plastered all over the dimmed room.

he realises that it must be at least 6 pm by now, and he turns on the lights, only to see [name] laying on the bed, resting her head softly against one of the hospital pillows that were a little too fluffy for jeongguk's taste. but the girl does not seem bothered, soft exhales escaping from her lips that jeongguk smiles at, closing the door before he manoeuvres himself to one side of the bed.

he hadn't really thought much about it up until now, but seeing the girl unmoving makes him realise how he'd been behaving by himself, before he met [name]. she was a really good and influential friend, that was for sure.

locks of her hair are strewn over her face as she slept peacefully, and it was then, that jeongguk realised that he was never good at anything if he was alone.

ever since he was little, he never had the opportunities to do things by himself, he'd always been with his other group members... if he sang, it was with them. if he danced, it was with them. if he lived in a dorm, it was with them.

and he had, over the years, grown to like that. he didn't want to change that, not even a little bit... his eyes tear up at the thought, and he continues to watch her peaceful slumber. jeongguk thinks back to all the times when he had to take a huge part of his lunch hour to sign autographs for his schoolmates, how so many people approached him for his fame, wanting to take pictures or just be with him because he was a celebrity.

it had bothered him so much, but he never said anything, as he'd come back home every day to his favourite six people, his dearest friends. he didn't have a lot of friends outside of the members, even though he was friendly with some of the staff members he had interacted with on regular basis.

it made him happy that [name] didn't bring up bangtan at all, how she simply asked to be his friend and nothing more. he was thankful that she didn't bring them up until he himself had talked about it; he was thankful that people like her existed because she made him feel comfortable being himself; the jeongguk that was many layers underneath the jeongguk on screen.

[name] stirs in her sleep, her palm pressing against her cheek, little creases forming under her eyes. it makes jeongguk smile because he had similar creases when he was laughing out loud or grinning widely. it makes him realize that they had a lot in common than just two patients wanted to get out of the hospital once and for all.

"i should get your contact information soon." jeongguk says, to himself, while he leans against his wheelchair. he glances at the girl once again, tucking the corners of her duvet a little and getting rid of the small uneven rolls before he makes his way out of the door.

"thank you for being my friend." he whispers. he couldn't wait for her to wake up and come visit him in his room, soon.

but jeongguk falls asleep as soon as he rests back on his bed.

>>>

'what is the thing that you want the most, in life?'

"me?" jeongguk wonders out loud, his eyes going from the device, to his plate of instant rice. "i want my hyungs to be happy.... i guess that's it?"

there is a little pause while [name] blinks a little as her eyes go to her feet which dons a white slipper, courtesy of the hospital's dress code for patients. a little smile forms on her face, and jeongguk glances at the girl while he tilts his head a bit, and he panics when he sees that [name] is a little teary-eyed.

"[name]...?" jeongguk gulps while he watches the girl type something on her smartphone, and holds it up for him to read.

'for me, i want my voice back... and after hearing that you want something for others, while i want something for myself... does that make me selfish?'

"no, it doesn't, [name]. don't think like that... i would want the same..."

it takes a while for the girl to wipe away her tears and calm down, and jeongguk sits awkwardly, not knowing how else to react except to offer the girl a tissue when she begins to wipe her face.

he's never been good at expressing his feelings about anything, but when he sees the girl relaxing after a while and suggesting they go get some chicken meat to go with their rice, jeongguk realises that everyone needs to break down at least once, to stay sane.

he wonders if he could ever be able to get over the pain he feels inside his chest, but while he reels himself along the hallways, beside [name], he allows himself to forget about his situation for now.

now is not the time, he decides.

>>>

there's a small box with a cake inside, that [name] carries as she walks along the corridors of wing 1. she mouths lyrics as she steps on the third floor, using her left hand to pull up the iv drip stand with every step she takes. she has a smile on her face as jeongguk had told her he enjoyed eating blueberry cheesecake, and that's exactly what she was bringing up for him.

there was the pan; she was just going to knock on the door, hand the cake to the first person who greets at the door - which she was sure wouldn't be jeongguk - so no one would stop her from taking her leave as soon as she does.

but [name] comes to a halt as she spots a man seated on one of the three seats right outside jeongguk's hospital room door. she finds it a little odd because she's been near jeongguk's room multiple times. however, his floor was for people with orthopedical problems and most of them didn't do much walking. so she's used to seeing an empty corridor...

was it a guard, since celebrities were inside jeongguk's room? the girl can't help but wonder, as she makes her way towards the door, he footsteps pacing slower and slower until it comes to a halt; it's min yoongi sitting on the chair closest to the door, and the girl's grip on the cake box she's holding goes a little tighter, blinking multiple times to see if she was hallucinating... but she wasn't, and it really is min yoongi, white sleeved elbows resting on the knees of his ripped skinny jeans while he looked down at the floor.

as [name] watches, she sees that under the pale blue light coming from the windows, the brunette has an utter look of helplessness, devastation, and every other synonym that she could think of at that moment. unsure if going inside the room was a good idea right away, the girl slowly walks to the bench, taking the seat furthest away from yoongi's. the male makes no motions of turning to face the girl at all, so she slowly puts the cake box on the floor and takes out her phone.

it was at times like this when she wished more than any other, that she could speak.

moments of silence pass by, and [name] types out a text, using the device to lightly tap yoongi's shoulder. the man is taken by surprise, flinching a little and blinking multiple times at her before he slowly looks at the device she is handing out to him.

"what."

the girl simply extends the smartphone closer to his face, screen showing this time. eyebrows furrowed, yoongi takes the device, and reads what is written, a single line, that widens his eyes even more than it had been before.

'go inside, jeongguk really misses you.'

yoongi's eyes waver as he glances back at the girl, eyeing her features a little more this time with newfound interest. [name] takes the device back, typing something yet again when yoongi decides to speak.

"who are you?"

panicking, [name] erases what she had typed and hurries to write a response. yoongi then notices the cake box, a few knobs reeling in his head as he puts two and two together.

"you're a friend of his."

it's not a question, it's a statement. ironically, [name] had typed the word 'friend' right as yoongi had said it, so she looks back at the man in surprise, while he gets up and puts his hands deep into his pockets.

'please go inside, just once', she is writing out a plea on her device, and she really wishes she could say something to stop him, but he makes his way towards the staircase.

[name] almost steps on the cake while she gets up instantly, scraping the wheels of her iv drip stand to get yoongi's attention. the man turns around, and she frantically begins typing yet again.

"take care of my jeongguk." yoongi's voice makes her freeze and look up from her phone screen. "i'll fix his legs even if it's the last thing i do."

as the girl stood in the middle of the corridor, she had absolutely nothing to do or say in response to that. hands falling on either side of her body, she sighs. if only she had her voice, just for a few minutes. she could have tried to do something to make jeongguk happy and make yoongi stay.

but as she watched yoongi walked away, that was when she realised a couple hurtful things at once.

she was not the person that could ever make jeongguk happy; it was min yoongi.

never her.

she was just a replacement.

>>>

"hyungs!" it's probably the first time that such a big smile formed on his face, and 5/7 of bangtan greets him back. no one brings up min yoongi, despite the fact that all of them noticed the very obvious way jeongguk's face dropped when he sees that his favourite hyung hadn't shown up. he knew yoongi wouldn't, yet... it didn't help but make jeongguk feel disappointed in himself, and every star that aligned to make his life this way.

but that was what hoseok and taehyung were the best at, and the two quickly lighten up the mood, talking about their new favorite songs and games, and tickling the maknae until he laughed so hard that tears came out of his eyes. jeongguk sincerely missed his hyungs more than anything else in the world, for sure.

as the boys caught up and chatted together, taehyung gets up, stretching a little. he wonders if he should have brought a present for jeongguk, and in thought, he wanders outside, only to see a girl facing her back to him as soon as he steps out. the girl makes no motions of moving, and taehyung, the kind of person who just couldn't leave someone alone, decides to see what was up.

"hi? are you looking for someone?" taehyung asks. the girl's hair flips as she turns around instantly at the sound. there are traces of dried tears that he notices but decides to disregard, and the girl lets go of her iv drip stand and bends down, retrieving a box and holding it out to taehyung. surprised, he can only blink at her while she quickly shakes her head.

taehyung watches while she balances the box in one hand, reaching for her smartphone with the other. getting the message that she wanted to show him something, taehyung waits for the girl to type, and show him the screen.

'hello. i'm a friend of jeongguk's. i heard bangtan is coming to visit him, so i wanted to gift him this cake. please don't tell him it's from me. i hope you will eat this well. i'm sorry i can't speak, so i can't thank you.'

the polite structure of her sentences makes taehyung reach for the box and nod, mumbling a small thank you as he realises that this was the 'mute' friend that jeongguk had once mentioned making. the girl has a forced smile on her face as she drags her iv drip stand and walks towards the staircase.

taehyung couldn't help but simply watch the way the girl lifts the stand with each step she takes down. the fact that the girl had gone through all that trouble just to climb up and give jeongguk a present makes taehyung's heart hurt a little, because that was one of the most selfless things he had ever witnessed.

so, taehyung abides by the girl's request, entering back into jeongguk's room with a big beam on his face. he wasn't bighit's only actor for nothing, after all.

"cake! hyung, you got me a cake?"

taehyung gives a nod, the commotion amongst the members increasing when jeongguk suggests that the cake should be eaten after some food. there's a big discussion amongst the members, and the maknae line finds their way to the nearest convenience store to buy food that the hyung line offers to fund, for the day.

upon entering the convenience store, it was a little funny, how the three boys made their way to three different aisles; jeongguk to the stationary aisle, taehyung to the perfume aisle, and jimin to the accessory aisle. they didn't really have intentions on buying anything except for ramyeon and instant rice, maybe a couple microwaveable cooked meat packs, depending on the food they purchase later on.

minutes pass, and jimin and taehyung appear into the aisle the youngest is still roaming around at. all while jeongguk goes through the many different books, thoughts of studying english more crossing his head when he comes across a korean to english dictionary.

shaking his head at the thought of studying, he wheels himself along the aisle, coming to a pause when he sees a stack of red coloured whiteboards, neatly gift-wrapped.

and he just knows. he just knows that it would be the most perfect present to thank his special friend for everything she did for him over the days.

"wah! this is... i want this!" jeongguk announces, and taehyung puts the bottle of perfume he's holding and walks up to the wheelchair to get a better look.

"jimin-hyung."

jimin looks as if he was in a daze while he takes out his wallet which homed jeongguk's personal credit card. as soon as the card reaches his clutches, both taehyung and jimin watch in amusal, at how excited the maknae gets as he reels himself to the cash counter.

"is he getting a gift for that friend of his?"

taehyung's smile fades a little while he nods, the corners of his lips turning downwards a bit as he looked back to his friend. "she can't speak."

"oh. oh..."

"i saw her, when i was getting... cake, outside. she can't speak, but jiminie, actions speak louder than words... and [name] has managed to do that. jungkookie looks so much more cheerful than he did when we all video-called him two weeks ago."

jimin takes a few minutes to ponder about taehyung's words, before he turns to face the other. "how do you know this, and i don't?"

"you're just really old. that's why jungkookie doesn't like you."

jimin is about to punch taehyung when his hand accidentally brushes past the plastic of one of the soft toys on the rack. startled, the two boys hurry to jeongguk who has completed his purchase.

"jungkookie, do you want some ice cream?" jimin hums, his hand reaching to the handles of the wheelchair - and stopping instantly when he sees that jeongguk had already started to reel himself away.

that's our stubborn little maknae. jimin sighs, and taehyung has a distant look on his face as he followed, not failing to make sure he takes good pictures of whatever jeongguk requests him to. as they pass by the flower quads at the back entrance of the hospital, jeongguk's eyes dart to the familiar, small white flowers.

both jimin and taehyung pause when jeongguk stops in his tracks; and it takes a few seconds for his lips to curve upwards before he then gets back on the move. the 95 liners exchange an odd look, following the maknae up through the hallways filled with the smell of antiseptic.

>>>

'is this for me?'

there is a small, startled emoji added after her text on the phone, and jeongguk nods at her endearing gesture, proud smile on his face as he watches the way the girl takes out the plastic covering of the board. when she takes the marker in hand, jeongguk watches as she hurries to write something on it.

flipping the board to show him what was written, jeongguk feels his heart soften when he sees 'thank you, jeongguk!' written on it in messy hangul.

"you're welcome." he smiles, watching how she proceeds with erasing what was written on it with one swipe, then write something again.

'i actually can write neater, i was just excited at first.'

jeongguk chuckles, reaching for the cup of hot cocoa that the girl had brought over when she came to say hi. he blows the steam that forms over the cup before taking a sip, watching how the girl clutches her iv drip stand and holds up the whiteboard, eyes disappearing with her wide smile.

'let's go out!' the board reads, and by the time she's raised it, jeongguk is already on the move, his grip on the metal bar tight as he plopped himself onto his wheelchair. the two step outside, and jeongguk feels himself relaxing even more than he had always been around the girl, when he sees the whiteboard he'd purchased held tightly against her chest while she walked alongside him and dragged her stand along.

they didn't speak, comfortable silence between them as they made their way to the quads. it always made jeongguk laugh because [name] would always walk at the same pace as he wheeled himself, but as soon as the baby's breath quad came to her view, she would scurry off a little faster, bending down to look at the flowers as usual.

but today, there's a loud gasp instead, and jeongguk blinks upon reaching the quad. he sees that the girl's gaze was on a small bunch of the said flower, carelessly torn right from the middle and thrown on the ground a few meters away from the quad. to make matters worse, the stems of the flowers were cracked, bottom half of the stem a little closer to the quad and small bits of the flower petals had scattered over the concrete.

when [name] finally looks up at jeongguk and meets eyes with him, the boy has an alarmed expression on his face upon noticing the tears that had formed in her eyes. her lips trembled a little as she reaches out to take the bunch of flowers in hand, and she glances back at jeongguk with the same sad eyes which he had no idea how to respond to. this was a first.

it kind of... reminded him of himself.

jeongguk watches the way she mouths something, but he is unable to pick up the words she tries to say. placing the flowers back on the concrete, she takes the whiteboard and writes, her hands shaking as she scribbled the words, 'why would anyone do something horrible like this?'.

"i don't know, [name]..." he says in a low voice, extending his hand out. the girl takes the flowers and places it on his hand, taking the broken stems as well.

'jeongguk, how do you fix a broken flower?'

there's silence again as jeongguk simply blinks at the flowers in his hand. he had no idea what he could say, and he felt as horrible as the baby's breath in his clutches looked. [name] had slowly helped him so much over the days, but... here was his special friend asking him something for the very first time and there was no way he could help.

and so he hates himself a little more as he stays mum, up until the voice of a man interrupts the way the girl wipes the whiteboard clear. the two turn around and sees the security guard, and when his eyes land on the flowers on jeongguk's hand, [name] begins to panic and starts scribbling on her whiteboard marker.

"i know it wasn't you who did that," the man says, and the girl gets up on her feet, clearing the whiteboard again, "it was some punk from the dermatological ward. you can keep those flowers."

[name] nods, and jeongguk could full well understand that her mood had plummeted down beyond help. as she looks at the flowers in jeongguk's grip, the security rubs the nape of his neck, turning to the girl.

"let me see if i can do something to make you both feel better." he has to say, walking back to his station. the two friends exchange a confused look, and watch as the guard then steps out, heading to the outer lodge, where the two had learned, gardening goods were stored.

so, when the guard comes out holding a huge bench over his head, jeongguk gasps, and [name]'s mouth is in the shape on an 'o', as well.

the guard places the bench a few steps beside the quad, and turns to face the two.

"you can sit there and watch these flowers that you like so much. and here," the male adds, holding out a small rectangular packet towards the girl. [name] accepts it, her eyes widening even further when she sees that it is a packet of seeds. "you may plant these."

a big smile forms on [name]'s face as she quickly hands the packet to jeongguk so that she can take the pen and write on the whiteboard.

'thank you very much, sir!'

there's a big face drawn beside the writing, one that was smiling just as hard as the girl was. the guard nods, walking back to his station, and jeongguk feels so much better when he sees his friend all cheered up and excited while she takes the packet and opens it up. jeongguk disposes of the broken stems, holding the flowers while his friend slowly patted the soil after she had planted the seeds.

and five minutes later, they had run over to the security guard's station and gotten some water, watered the soil, and gotten their hands washed. they weren't really allowed outside the hospital grounds, but the two sneaks out, jeongguk mentioning a sudden craving for seaweed chips and [name] had obliged. reaching uphill, jeongguk waits outside while [name] hurries inside the convenience store to buy the snacks.

when she comes back after a few minutes, jeongguk sits, hands clutching the flowers. there's a smile on his face as his head tilts to the side, looking at the sky; and this sight is enough to make the girl pause in her tracks.

it was surprising, even to her own self, why she suddenly thought about min yoongi at that moment... and about how her little crush on jeongguk was probably going to go in vain, just like all the operations that she had done to try to get her voice back.

and yet, she found herself liking jeongguk more and more, as the days passed... and she knew that she was an important person for jeongguk... at least, for as long as he stayed in the hospital.

and from the many times that she has seen min yoongi at the hospital over the past few days, jeongguk was not going to stay for long. yoongi was going to keep his promise, he was trying his best to make sure of it.

'let's go back and eat at the bench the guard put for us.' she writes, and jeongguk is fast to nod in agreement.

and after they're done and walking back towards the hospital, [name] sees the familiar black car parked at the front of the building. and she suggests going in from the back door, avoiding min yoongi who was probably inside and didn't want to see jeongguk just yet.

she just wanted jeongguk to be happy.

she didn't think that making him happy would make her heart feel so hollow inside.

but here was the thing; she wouldn't mind, anyways.

>>>

there's a letter waiting for [name] a couple days later, and the fact that it has no return address makes the girl curious, tearing the corner of the envelope and pulling the letter out. she sees a bit of messy hangul before the door to her hospital room opens, her family doctor stepping in with her father trailing behind.

"[name], hello. how are you doing?" dr. han queries, and she tucks the envelope under her duvet, leaning against the door frame before she reaches for her whiteboard.

'i am doing well. thank you.'

the minutes pass by while the doctor checks her pulse, examines her throat, assigns some medicine for her father to fetch before she has food in a while. reaching for the letter and seeing who it was from, she instantly stops her father who makes his way to follow the doctor and head out to buy her some food.

'dad, can you get me two sets of lunch? i want to eat with my friend this afternoon.'

while [name]'s father watched her face glowing, he gives her a nod. it had been a while since he saw her face positively beaming, so he agrees with no objections.

'and i'd like for you to do me another favour too, but i'll tell you what it is when you come back with my medicines.'

[name]'s father gives a crooked smile, patting her hair and walks outside to finish his task.

tucking a lock of hair behind her ears, [name] picks up the letter, running a finger across the words 'from kim taehyung' which she silently mouths it to herself.

'dear [name]-ssi,

thank you for pulling jeonggukie out of his shell. thank you for being his friend. we will try to do our best to help him, so thank you for taking care of him while we are unable to do anything for him.

the next time we visit, is it alright if i pay you a visit too?

thank you.

- kim taehyung.'

while she puts the letter back into its envelope and puts it in her drawer, there is a smile on her face, fazing out when she rests her head on the soft pillow.

'you don't need to meet me, taehyung-ssi. it's yoongi-ssi you need to meet, instead.' she mouths to herself. but similar to the way no one was ever around to try to figure out what she has to say, her thoughts get lost in the silence of her room; a little too painful silence that she felt like she was going to drown in. a while later, her father comes in with her meal, medicine tablet card tucked underneath the bag.

"what did you want me to do for you?" he asks, pausing when the girl hands her the whiteboard which she had scribbled on.

the smile on her father's face drops as soon as he finished reading. and when he does, he looks up at the way the girl continues smiling, putting her shoes on and patting her fringe.

"are you sure, honey?"

clutching the iv drip stand, she gives a small nod. her father eyes her while she tucks the plastic bag with the food under her arms, cleaning what she wrote on the board before she tucks it close to her body before pointing at the door.

there's a startled expression on her father's face while he watches his daughter make her way towards the other wing. she is waving to him with a big smile on her face, and he lets out a little sigh, one that sounds like it was in relief.

"alright, then. whatever you say."

[name] has a bit of trouble opening the door to jeongguk's room with her hands full of food and her whiteboard. she manages a half-assed knock on the door with her elbow, and very luckily, jeongguk had already been in his wheelchair, lost in his own little daze.

so, a soon as he hears the knock, he hurries to scoot himself to the door, welcoming the girl with a wide grin.

"hi, [name]."

'jeongguk, hi.' she mouths, stepping in and putting the bag on the small counter. jeongguk watches the way she stretches a little, pulling her iv drip stand inside, and closing the door.

'let's eat together.'

"okay."

'can we go to see the flowers after we finish?' [name] raises her whiteboard again, and jeongguk nods again. watching the way [name]'s ponytail flipped from one side to the other with every move makes jeongguk relax, a feeling he was slowly starting to get used to.

"of course we can. we can go even now."

>>>

"hyung?!"

all colour on jeongguk's face drowns as his eyes fixate on the man dressed in all black, familiar black hat with the metal rings on his head. beside him, [name] is mouthing inaudible curses to herself. if she knew they would run into yoongi while they were making their way to the flower quads, there was no way she would have even left jeongguk's room.

she could hear the huff and puff of jeongguk's airy breath while he wheels himself, the plastic bag of food on his lap falling down from his grip as he wheels himself as fast as he could, to reach yoongi.

to reach yoongi, who does not turn back twice, flinging himself into the black car as fast as his healthy body could carry him, and then, he's gone.

he's gone, and jeongguk wasn't even halfway near to reaching him as he watches the car speed off, out of his sight.

it's been over a month and a half since [name] and jeongguk became friends, and by this much time, she has learned about him enough to know that right now, the boy would have tears in his eyes that would be too painful for her to witness. she also knew that he would probably be cursing under his breath, and most importantly; hating himself, and his feet for not being goddamn able to carry him to his beloved hyung.

a small grunt escapes from jeongguk's lips, and [name] takes all the courage she has and dares to take a look at jeongguk, who has turned himself away from the gate. he doesn't say anything, simply wheeling himself back towards the building, towards wing 1, and [name] stands in the middle of the courtyard with a plastic bag in her hand, watching how jeongguk leaves her alone.

as usual.

he doesn't even notice the bag he had dropped earlier, and [name] wonders if it was even fair to blame jeongguk for the hollowness in her heart.

>>>

three days have passed and [name] hadn't heard from jeongguk, much less gotten any visits from the boy. she could only blame herself for what happened, and there's a small drawing of two cherry blossom flowers that jeongguk has made on her whiteboard on their last day talking.

while she walks aimlessly in the hallways of wing 1, she can't help hoping to herself that she would see jeongguk step outside, that he would say hello, and maybe ask her if she would go to the quad with her.

but that's not what happens. but it comes close, it relates to jeongguk, so when [name] sees yoongi's familiar figure at the reception, and also the petite figure of a younger girl standing beside him, she does not allow the opportunity to pass.

taking out her whiteboard marker, she begins to write, and then hurries to drag her iv drip stand near the two, the sound making them both give her their attention.

"oh... it's jeongguk's friend." yoongi sighs, and the girl beside him looks back at [name] with newfound interest.

"hi, can i talk with you for a bit?" she asks, and yoongi lets out another sigh, throwing a defeated look at the girl. [name] does not want to waste the opportunity, so she drags the girl's hand, a little startled that she actually lets her pull her out to the flower quad.

"the flowers are so pretty."

'yes, the baby's breath here is my favorite.' she scribbles, making sure she does not wipe the flowers jeongguk drew, while she does so. the flowers had given her an idea of what she could do to at least try to make her friend feel better.

"yoongi told me a bit about you. my name is jeonyeong, will you tell me about how you met jeongguk?"

and with that, [name] finds herself writing her heart out in the special whiteboard that jeongguk himself had given her, not leaving out a single fact she felt up till now, and jeonyeong's eyes are all but dry as she watches the way the girl's own ones are filled with tears.

"i'm still trying to convince yoongi-ah to meet jeongguk-ah. but he said he won't be able to face him, not until he's done something to fix jeongguk-ah's feet."

[name] nods in response, their eyes going to a man who stood opposite the flower quad, playing his violin while a lot of patients are seated in benches in front of him. it's almost like a mini show, and jeonyeong smiles a little when she hears her smartphone ring.

"i have to go. i'll come back sometime soon, and i'm pretty sure you'll recognize me right away, right?"

[name] gives a little nod, and watches while jeonyeong gets up on her feet, a little wave offered before she walks back into the building. the girl watches the man playing his violin, it's a soft and soothing music that blesses her hearing, and she is so, so glad that she could hear even though she couldn't voice a single thought of hers out.

>>>

[name] feels her hands tremble while she knocks on jeongguk's door. it has been four days since she has heard from her friend, and to be honest, she did not expect the door to open in a relatively shorter time than usual.

and even more than that, she did, in no way, expect to see a standing jeongguk, his arms gripping the sides of two crutches. his eyes are a little red, she could notice tears that had dried on his cheeks, but jeongguk is smiling brightly and whispers a loud '[name]!' as soon as he sees that it is her.

[name] freezes on her spot as she continues to blink, and jeongguk takes two steps closer to her, letting go of one of the crutches and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. a waft of masculine perfume hits her smack in the face, and [name] closes her eyes tight as jeongguk pulls her closer to his body and takes in a deep inhale.

"i'm going to be okay soon!" jeongguk whispers, making [name]'s eyes wide open. so many things were happening in such a short amount of time, and the girl feels her heart race not just because the boy she was in love with is holding her in such close proximity, but because she felt so scared.

she knew that jeongguk would leave the hospital sometime soon, but... she didn't think it would be this early.

and there's a huge smile on jeongguk's face when he leans away and she sees his face. and it hurts her heart a bit because this was the happiest expression she has ever, ever seen on jeongguk's face.

this was what she wanted; for jeongguk to be okay, to be happy. but why was she feeling so sad, now? so hollow, like someone shot a bullet straight through all her feelings and then flung her heart across the room harshly?

"i've always wanted to hug you and say thank you for being my friend." jeongguk says quietly, laughing a little as he awkwardly moves away and grabs hold of the crutch he leant against the door earlier. the door to his room opens widely, welcoming her presence and while she steps in, [name] had never, ever felt so alone.

'i'm happy for you, jeongguk. you can go back to your hyungs again.'

"yes. i'm sorry i haven't talked to you in a while... i've just been so upset, but i heard just a day ago that i got a donor from the states... and i had surgery done just last night... midnight." jeongguk has tears in his eyes as he watches the girl take a seat on his hospital bed.

the boy makes no motion to sit down, he has such a happy expression on his face; he missed the feeling of being able to stay upright without the use of a wheelchair. and even though he still had a week or so before he would be properly able to use his feet with no pains, the crutches became his happy companions.

'it's fine, i got you something... this can be considered as a congratulatory present now, right?' [name] holds her whiteboard up with an awkward smile, and jeongguk watches while she lowers her board, and reaches for a hard paperback from a plastic bag she had in her clutches.

'here', she mouths, and jeongguk finally takes a seat beside her, resting the crutches by the metal rim of his bed. he then accepts the book, eyes widening when he flips open the pages.

"a sketchbook?"

[name] nods, wiping the whiteboard and picking up her marker to jot down. 'you once mentioned that you enjoy drawing and that you're good at it. so i got you this.'

"you even have that cherry blossom flower i drew a while back!" jeongguk looks cheery when [name] hands him a black inked pen. "can i draw on it now?"

before [name ] can nod, jeongguk takes hold of one of the crutches, and gets back up on his feet.

"hey. let's go see the flower quad."

>>>

it became a ritual. every evening, after they've had their lunch, had their medicines, got their blood pressures checked, they would hurry down to the flower quad, and simply sit on the bench the guard had gotten for them. and jeongguk would draw and listen to music while [name] would simply sit, looking at what he drew... and sometimes at jeongguk himself, until he turns to face her.

and then, she would turn to whoever is performing a number in front of the building, and the circle of patients that would go to see the people that volunteered to perform for them grew little by little. the bench was moved away from the quad because little children that passed by there tended to pick the flowers too often, and the guard had started giving strict glares whenever anyone neared the quad.

and despite her love for the flower quad and the baby's breath there, she had slowly started to love the bench more, and the two would just sit there, on the bench near the vending machine which everyone thought was broken... but all anyone had to do was kick the metal on the left and the machine whirrs back to life; a little hack jeongguk discovered when one of his crutches hit the point one day as they walked.

the weather is a little sunny, yet the wind is strong enough to make [name]'s hair wave around mercilessly. jeongguk dons a navy blue baseball cap while he sits with a pencil in hand. the girl notices that he had started to sketch the main body of a piano, paying full attention to every curvature, taking the eraser in her hand every other minute while he worked hard on it. she was so glad she got the sketchbook for jeongguk, he was starting to enjoy himself again... in fact, he had been really cheery since he was able to get up with his own feet, and [name] couldn't blame him. she would be, too.

and while these thoughts run through her mind, soft music begins to play. [name] turns her attention to the performer, a short petite girl with pale brown hair that she could recognize instantly.

jeonyeong.

[name] had absolutely no idea that she could play the guitar so well, and the music is soft, just like her frame. it sends chills down her spine, and [name] tilts her head a little, turning to jeongguk, who is still lost in his sketch.

as softly as possible, [name] pulls at one of the earphones, plopping it down. jeongguk pauses his sketch, unable to react and turn to face the girl because the music hits him straight in the heart.

it was that song.

that song, which his precious hyung, yoongi, spent hours trying to teach jeongguk. and failed too, at that. it had come as a surprise because jeongguk was good at everything, but not at playing the piano, for which yoongi had spent hours mumbling to himself and smacking his head. but all through that, the two had shared smiles, laughs, and a strong sense of bonding that just was never present between either of them and any of the other members in their precious group.

the pairing of 'yoonkook' was something both yoongi and jeongguk had taken pride in, and now, the younger boy's lips tremble a bit as he turns to take a glance at jeonyeong. and when [name] sees jeongguk holding the sketchbook out to her, she nods, getting up and taking hold of her iv drip stand while jeongguk takes his crutch and gets up on his feet.

the two walk towards the benches in a slow pace, and watch in awe as jeonyeong plays the music, humming lyrics soft enough for anyone to understand that it was the symphony of her tunes that were of top priority, not her words. and that was exactly what jeongguk felt, his heart clenching a bit as his eyes lock on the guitar she held in hand.

and [name] looks at jeongguk enough to notice the way his attention darts from the guitar to something that is attached to the top end of it... a cigarette lighter.

[name] finds it odd, yet jeongguk has his eyes wide open as he proceeds to study the girl's face with newfound interest. millions of questions run through his mind, all of them starting with a 'why', and after a while, it becomes too painful for jeongguk to stay still.

"let's go and have dinner." jeongguk suggests. despite the fact that she wanted to stay till the song finished, she could understand the troubled expression on jeongguk's face. [name] nods, and the two friends walk away. and jeonyeong and [name] exchange a glance for the briefest of a second before they do, and there's a sad smile on the performer's face that gives the girl a couple guesses about why jeongguk was so sad.

and it made her realise that half the things that made her happy were things that jeongguk found sad... and this was all the more reason why she needed to stay away from the boy she was so in love with.

it kinda... hurts.

>>>

the next day, jeongguk woke up with a big smile on his face. his parents had already gone ahead and signed his discharge papers, and jeongguk had never felt so happy to see how his mom had cleared up all his belongings and packed it into a small duffel bag. all set and ready to exit the painful place called the hospital.

"good morning, jeongguk." ms. hwa, her doctor, greets him with a warm smile. "it's finally today."

"yes it is. i'm excited for it." he responds, eyeing the way she takes his blood pressure. giving him an 'okay' sign, the doctor takes a few steps, with anticipation in her eyes.

both jeongguk and his mother gasp softly when the boy lowers his feet to the ground, standing up for the first time in two months without the help of anything else but himself. and then, jeongguk, with tears in his eyes, pulls his mother to a warm embrace, while ms. hwa and jeongguk's father exchange a happy smile.

"well, it is goodbye from here onwards, jeongguk. good luck with your career, you're doing a good job even now." the well wishes that his doctor gives him makes jeongguk feel soft inside, and he nods, bowing to her as she exits. and then, jeongguk rushes to face his parents, both of them who are looking up at him with even warmer smiles on their faces.

"mom, dad, you guys can go ahead. i still have to say goodbye to my good friend and ask for her contacts before i leave."

jeongguk's mom gives him a nod, and the boy takes his favourite white baseball cap that matches his white football jersey. he hurries with his steps, feeling light and free while he turns the cap backwards, smile never leaving his face as he makes his way downstairs.

the familiar face of the guard has a small frown when jeongguk asks if it is alright for him to pick a few flowers from the quad. he explains that it was his last day, and the man sighs, nodding and jeongguk 's face brightens even further as he hurries to the baby's breath quad. making sure he picked the ones that looked the best, jeongguk rushes back into the apartment with a content expression on his face. he was sure that [name] would be surprised that the guard actually gave in.

he still had yet to explain to [name] why the cigarette lighter bothered him, how yoongi had a habit of smoking when he felt depressed. how jeongguk would hate that and how he would take away the lighter and hide it... how he had written the same initials on the front of yoongi's lighter and warned him never to touch it ever again. it was a horrible habit, bad for the image of an idol, in addition to being horrible for his health. jeongguk was happy that his precious hyung grew away from the habit, but now... he was sure that yoongi was at a horrible state...

he thinks of ways to express his thoughts as clearly as possible, something he's still really bad at doing. whichever way it was, jeongguk knew that [name] would understand him.... she always did, and that makes another big smile form on his face as he glances at the flowers and tightens his grip. seeing the flowers so close, jeongguk instinctively brings the flowers up to his face, sniffing the scent of the fresh baby's breath. it occurred to him that he's seen the flowers for so long, and yet, the thought of smelling it had never come up to him up till now. the idea makes jeongguk laugh, [name] would surely call him a little idiot for that.

upon reaching the door, he sighs loudly while he pats his dark brown fringe softly. he still wasn't really used to going into her hospital room. it was [name] that visited him more often, and jeongguk had to admit that he found the 7th floor of wing 2 a little intimidating.

there is no response to his knock, the three short knocks followed by two longer ones that were their way of letting each other know who was the one knocking. after he waits for a few moments with no response, jeongguk coughs a little, turning the knob and stepping inside.

"[name]...?"

and then, jeongguk freezes.

he freezes on his spot, because there is no one inside, the entire room is empty.

it has never been empty before.

jeongguk is horrified as he steps in. the duvet is neatly folded and tucked at the end of a neatly washed bedspread, and all the supplies on the counters and the drawers are gone, there isn't a single thing in sight...

... it looked just like jeongguk's room when he had left just minutes ago, and he can feel his stomach churning while realization hits.

and when it does, his hands fall to either side of his body, grip still intact on the flowers while he looked at the bedspread.

jeongguk could feel his heart crumbling while he gulps, exiting the room that did nothing but bring sad memories that should be making him happy. but instead, it makes his heart clench, and he makes his way out to the main reception, to see if he could find something, anything about his friend.

but it's not his friend that jeongguk finds, but it is min yoongi, waiting by the reception, pale green file in his hand. upon seeing jeongguk, yoongi's gaze instantly falls on his feet, then back up to his face.

"jeongguk?"

"... hyung?"

it's been months since jeongguk had seen yoongi so close by, heard his hyung's voice, and felt his presence and touch while the older male walks up to him and wraps both his arms tightly around his frame.

"you're finally okay. i'm glad." yoongi's voice whispers, and jeongguk lets his hands fall loosely on either side of his body. his legs feel like jelly, and there's a huge part of him that had been craving to see his favourite person in the world, to be in his reach, and yet, jeongguk couldn't hold the tears that had unknowingly started to stream down his face with every passing second.

"hyung."

"jeongguk? why are you- hey, hey. are you okay?" yoongi has an alarmed expression on his face while he takes a step back and sees the younger boy in tears.

"hyung..."

yoongi's grip on his file tightens, and he takes hold of jeongguk's hand, pulling him along while they make their way back upstairs to the younger male's hospital room. jeongguk's father has left with his bags already, and his mother has a startled expression on her face when she sees the boy's tear-stained cheeks.

"yoongi-ssi? gukku..?"

"hello." yoongi greets with a quick nod, patting the bedspread and jeongguk sits down, his clutch still intact on the flowers. "i will take care of him. jeon-ssi will be waiting downstairs for you."

jeongguk's mother gives a hesitant look towards the boy, before she gives in and pats his shoulder softly. before leaving, she reaches for her bag, holding out an envelope towards jeongguk.

"the staff said someone left this for you." she says, placing the letter on his lap. jeongguk feels his fingers tremble while he reaches for the envelope, and yoongi's eyes never leave the boy while he pulls the letter out.

it's not a letter.

it's a note.

it's a note, two sentences scribbled in a handwriting that jeongguk had gotten used to reading continuously for the past two months.

'whatever you imagine, it would hurt ten times worse. and that's the beauty of your imagination, it can help your heart hurt less sometimes.'

jeongguk didn't need her name to be written to know that it was from [name], and he feels his heart race with panic as he turns to face his hyung.

"she... she didn't give me any way of contacting her..."

"what?" yoongi looks at the younger male as he breathes heavily, his grip on the stems of the baby's breath flowers tightening so much that some of the stems break. and only then does jeongguk realise what he's done, looking at the flowers, horrified, as he remembered some of [name]'s words.

jeongguk, how do you fix a broken flower?

tears begin to fall from his eyes as he turns to look at a panicked yoongi. unsure of how to react, yoongi stays still while jeongguk buries his face in the older male's shoulder. and so yoongi sits, while jeongguk's heart breaks at the thought that he might never see her again. and he really wanted to, he treasured her as one of the most important people to him, and he didn't have a lot of those, yet she managed to be one within such a short span of time.

"hyung, she changed hospitals without telling me..."

"we can find her."

"how? she can easily find me, but i can't find out anything about her without doing something illegal like bribing... and i don't want to do that, knowing she doesn't want me to find her..."

yoongi softly strokes the locks on jeongguk's dark brown hair, wondering what he could say to make jeongguk feel at least a little better. nothing comes to his mind, and he curses internally for having met [name] hundreds of times but having never asked her for any of her contact information.

"does that mean she doesn't consider me as one of her friends? is that why she just left like that?"

and even yoongi could tell when someone was lovestruck. from the way [name] had always written on her little whiteboard about jeongguk whenever they passed each other in the hallways, he had it figured out for the longest of time... and kept mum because he was selfish when it came to the younger boy and now jeongguk was crying because of that.

"no. she really cares about you." it's the truth, and yoongi does not feel guilty as he says it. "we will find your friend."

jeongguk sounds hesitant, yet he calms down a little, his clutches tight on the flowers in his hand.

"okay."

but even as they got in the car to head back to their dorms, there was one thing they both knew, but didn't say out loud.

they were probably never going to meet her ever again.

>>>

[name] stretches as soon as she wakes up, dragging her iv drip stand as she puts on her fluffy slippers. a month passes by in what felt like slow motion, and she would take her purse, and drag herself down to the convenience store down the block to get something for breakfast.

seeing all the varieties of ramyeon and instant rice made her feel a slight bit closer to jeongguk, while she ate them by herself and listened to jeongguk's voice singing the new songs of their comeback. [name] had forgotten how many times she's cried upon hearing and seeing jeongguk on tv. she cried first thing on jeongguk's birthday, because he released a beautiful song that left her speechless and made her heart clench.

and knowing that they were busy breaking records made her so proud because jeongguk and his precious hyungs deserved nothing but praise and more recognition, and she couldn't wait for the boys to get their chuseok break.

the whiteboard that jeongguk had given her is neatly put back on its original plastic wrapper and carefully placed neatly inside her top left drawer by her bedside table... unused ever since the last time she said 'goodbye, jeongguk', when they had dinner and she had bid him farewell for the night. only she was the one who knew it would be a full-on goodbye, and [name] could not get a single ounce of herself to erase her words, much less use the whiteboard anymore.

the amount of times she tried to communicate progressively dropped, and she found that she forgot to sometimes take her phone along with her whenever she had to head out.

that had never been a case when she was with jeongguk, her phone and the red whiteboard was the first thing she would make sure she had, even before she takes hold of her iv drip stand.

[name] mouths the words to the track she is listening to, taking her ipad instead of her phone because there honestly was no point in another electronic device in her hand anymore. her parents were worried about her transfer of hospitals, but it was her wish, and they had decided to let the girl do what she wanted.

she is bobbing her head up and down while she picks a few cups of ramyeon. it's still october, but the wind is chilly and she was really glad she had on her warm and fuzzy coat over her hospital uniform. the sun is out, yet there is no warmth from it and it makes [name] shiver a little when she passes to the rice section.

while she reaches for one of the packets, she hears the sound of coughing, and turns around to see a man, face half-covered in his face mask. [name] turns back to her shopping, heading towards the meat section when a rough pair of hands take hold of her arm tight enough that she drops the grocery basket she has in hand.

"[name]!"

she could recognise that voice anywhere.

it was also the voice she was hearing from the one earbud she had on, and [name]'s lips tremble as she slowly turns her head to see the man from earlier, a familiar pair of black eyes on her while she takes a step back and almost trips over her own iv drip stand.

'jeongguk?!' the girl mouths, eyes going wide. people are staring at them, and jeongguk presses on his hat, as if it will hide his face more while he blinks with huge eyes at the girl.

[name] had expected jeongguk to sound frantic, what with the approach he had picked as soon as he spotted her, but all he does is to tighten his grip on her arm, still blinking as he speaks.

"you have a lot of my questions to answer, [name]."

a muffled breath escapes from her lips, and tears begin to form from her eyes while jeongguk lets go of her. picking up the grocery basket, jeongguk hands it back to her, eyes glaring at the people who had huddled around to see the commotion.

upon seeing that the girl shakes her head and tries a little to calm down, the people scatter around, back to their own businesses, and jeongguk watches the way [name] turns around, back facing him.

"i... you're wearing the clothes of the public hospital that's thirteen blocks from here, [name]... i can find you, even if you leave."

there is a sad smile on [name]'s face as she sighs in defeat. giving a small nod, she walks towards the counter with her packs of ramyeon in hand, and jeongguk follows. there was no way he was letting his friend leave, and he was going to get all the answers to every question that had never left his head while he continuously tired himself in practice sessions and recordings.

they walk in silence. painful silence, jeongguk notes. it's hurtful, because jeongguk was used to the silence between them from before. but that was one of the most calming silences he's ever witnessed, he enjoyed her company, and she made him feel at ease in breathing the same air as she did.

and now, jeongguk walks behind her, wishing he could stop [name] right there, on the roads, and demand reasons. it takes every ounce of his patience to stay mum as he follows her into the unfamiliar building, walking through unseen corridors before [name] finally opens the door to one of the rooms. the door is left open for him, and jeongguk would have stepped inside by force even if she didn't.

he had thought to himself that he can respect her decision and not pry, but seeing her alive and healthy and just going on with life normally makes jeongguk lose his head. he had to know why, and his hands are shaking as he watches his friend take a seat on one of her chairs.

there's an empty vase by her bed, and it gives jeongguk an idea. he remembers how he had gotten flowers for the girl when he was going to leave, and despite wanting to stay and talk to her, jeongguk places his hands inside his pockets.

"[name]... i will be back here in ten minutes. please let me in, when i do."

with that, he runs outside, as fast as his legs could carry him, and he's running to the nearest flower shop.

it's... it's natural, right?

>>>

jeongguk is going to get into so much trouble. he knew it so well, but when he sees the flowers inside the shop he steps in, his heart races so much that he doesn't care.

he had earned odd looks from the florist when he had purchased a full bouquet and then removed the flowers with the smallest stems. his hands are shaking when he hands the untouched bouquet, satisfied with the five stems of baby's breath he has in hand.

this was what [name] liked. the small flowers. this was what they had been watching for the weeks, and jeongguk knew that she would like these flowers exactly like this.

he knew.

but as he hurried back to the building of the hospital and walked through the corridors, he feels his eyes tearing up. and by the time he gets himself to room 409 and sees his precious friend's face, there tears falling down his cheeks are uncontrollable.

"i missed you so much..." it's a hoarse whisper, and [name] had taken out her whiteboard, taken off the wrapper, and was looking at jeongguk's flowers with a doleful expression on her face. jeongguk takes the time she takes in writing a response, to wipe his face. jeez, he's a huge mess, this was not that way he should behave.

and then, [name] lifts up the whiteboard which she had hesitantly wiped after all those days.

'if you can't say yes to what i say, you will have to do me a big favour.'

jeongguk nods, he didn't even notice that his nose had gone all runny, until [name] hands him a small napkin from her makeup bag.

"i'll say yes. and if i don't, i'll do any favour you ask. it's a deal." jeongguk says after he blows his nose, and disposes the napkin into the wastebasket. when his eyes fixate on hers expectantly, he is a little confused to see that her hands are shaking as she scribbled on the red whiteboard jeongguk himself had gotten for her.

there is hesitance in her actions as she puts the pen down, and jeongguk waits patiently while she holds the board up to his view.

and even as her hands trembled as she hid her face behind the board, jeongguk could easily read the words that she had written.

'i love you, jeongguk.'

and now it's jeongguk's lips that are trembling as he looked at the board in horror, somehow wishing the words would warp and change into something - anything - else... he wished there was something wrong with his eyes because even that would be better than watching the way [name] slowly lowers the board down and looks up at him with doleful eyes.

it wasn't the first time he got confessed to. he's been confessed to hundreds of times by various people when he was in high school, he had even been the reason why a staff member had quit her job after she confessed to him and got rejected.

it wasn't his fault, he knew none of them knew the real jeongguk. how could he even think of liking them back?

and there [name] stands, her eyes swollen from crying, and jeongguk understands exactly why she did what she did. and it's all his fault and the reason why she had left the hospital, left him, and left everything behind, all made sense to him.

and knowing her, he knew she wouldn't lie... at least to him, she wouldn't. so all jeongguk can do is blink at her, and hate himself a little more because he could do nothing to help his precious friend.

in the end, he'll always be helpless.

[name] wipes the whiteboard clear, the evidence of her feelings for him erasing right before his eyes, and jeongguk can only watch as she begins writing again.

'so you see... you can't say yes to what i want, right?'

jeongguk's eyes land on the floor, he feels horrible, not even daring to nod. it was painful for him to know that he was the reason why his dearest friend was so sad.

"what's the favour? i'll do anything else for you." he says instead, and a few moments of silence pass by, before jeongguk looks up at the girl. and he's surprised to see that she has a smile on her face, but he's been with her for long enough to know that it was a sad, painful smile, one she had forced herself to do.

jeongguk thinks of all the possibilities of what [name] might as from him, but all the thoughts that swarmed through his mind during the time the girl writes on the whiteboard is not enough to think of what the girl ends up writing.

and this time, what she wrote hurts jeongguk's heart even more and makes big tears fall from his eyes.

and he is not the only one; [name] has big tears falling from her eyes as she holds the board up that reads four short sentences that hurt jeongguk more than every pain he's ever had to deal with in his lifetime.

'please leave this room. please don't ever try to contact me or talk to me. please don't acknowledge my existence ever again. and please forget about me.'

jeongguk feels like the fact that [name] added a 'please' to every single sentence she said showed how serious she was, wiping the board and the painful words clear as soon as she sees that jeongguk had finished reading them. jeongguk tilts his head a little, heart feeling heavy as he takes three steps back. his hands lose it's will to clutch on the small bunch of flowers he's been holding onto for dear life all this time, and they fall to the ground... but neither of the two could bear to look at it as they looked at each other with tears falling uncontrollably.

"[name]..."

the girl refuses to look back up at the boy, and jeongguk's fists clench into a tight ball, stems of the flowers crumbling and falling to the ground as he does so. and yet, all [name] can do is look down at her feet, because that was the only goddamn way she could stop herself from letting out big baby sobs.

"please, [name]... you can't..."

there are tears streaming from both of their faces, because they both knew how cruel destiny was. how lucky were those people who had just one thing they wanted in their lives. and here jeongguk and [name] were, wanting two different things and having to sacrifice one for the other.

and while it was true that they loved each other, the love they had were not the same, they never will be, and there was no way either of them could go back to their smiling days and flower quads and cheery echoes because they were long gone. just like the way [name]'s will to care about her voice (or lack thereof), and the way jeongguk's motivation to get his friend to look at him one last time, had vanished.

"i'm so sorry for hurting you when all you did was save me when i was the one hurting." jeongguk whispers. he could see his friend's lips tremble, and jeongguk has to bite his bottom lip as hard as he could to not cry out loud.

it was surprising, even for [name], that she could still see jeongguk's frame, because her eyes are red and swollen from all the nights she had been crying. and while she watches jeongguk's back, the way he has donned a white t-shirt paired with black pants and timberlands, she feels her heart throb. and it was at that moment, that she realised that the reason why jeongguk had no idea how to fix a broken flower is that there is no way to do that.

there was no way, and the small crumbles of her favourite flower that had littered itself beside her shoe only make her sink to the floor, her back leaning against the metal of her bed while she cried.

silent cries, because there had never been anyone to try to listen to her... and the only person who had been, was now gone, and it was all her fault that she forced him to go away.

'you were right, jeongguk. love really is painful... and goodbyes are even more hurtful.'

>>>

jeongguk expects to break down that very night.

but he continues with life, heading back to busan, meeting up with his friends, going out to play football with his older brother.

he had gone to karaoke, returned back to seoul after his vacation, and resumed his daily life.

living with the fan presents and letters, jeongguk spends the last couple days before he officially returns to his duties, on catching up with his fanmail.

call him biased, but the first letter he picks out has a single stem long of baby's breath flowers drawn on the cover, along with a parcel to which it is stuck to. his hands tremble with hope as he takes the letter out, and the handwriting is all too familiar.

'i don't like baby's breath anymore. they remind me of happier days... jeongguk, how do you fix a broken flower?'

a loud sigh escapes from between his parted lips, a little shrug following while he turns the page around. that's all [name] has written, and jeongguk puts away the letter, tearing the wrapper of the parcel.

"i'm sorry that i can't fix this... i would if i could."

he felt a part of his heart drop, yet he can't help but smile when he sees that it is the whiteboard he had purchased, sealed carefully. [name] has a message written in hangul, on it, and it makes jeongguk smile, if anything.

'i'll always be your fan. the kind of fan that stays behind the shadows, but that's okay, right?'

jeongguk kind of wants to cry, but the first thing he does is to go downstairs to ask yoongi to get him a nail.

he's going to frame the whiteboard in his room and he knew jimin and taehyung will ask him why the whiteboard he's bought is back here with he but he doesn't care.

he's learned from [name] that you had to accept what life gives you, no matter what. there she was, she'd been suffering by herself even before jeongguk had to head to the hospital, and he knew that she was still at the hospital... she probably would still be there for the longest of time, and what happened with jeongguk feels like one strand of grass compared to the garden of hurt she was living in.

and jeongguk knows, more than anyone, the suffering he had to go through, as he stayed by himself and how his health was out of his control... he was an ugly mess, not knowing how to calm down. a frustrated mess, at that.

and yet, [name] managed to make her own little garden into a beautiful world, invited jeongguk to it, and it was the only reason why he could go through the pain he felt without breaking down.

he's thinking back to the days when he cursed at himself while he got up from the bed, had to use the wheelchair wherever he went... but since meeting her, she had given him a motivation to forget the pain he was temporarily feeling, because the thought of doing something exciting with [name] was what dominated his mind instead of his feeling of misery.

it makes him realise that he barely knew anything about her... it was jeongguk who did most of the talking, and he has small regrets... yet, he would never regret completely, the two months he spent in the hospital, because he met [name] and it made him understand why everything that happens in life, happens for a reason.

the sketchbook she had given him is placed inside his room drawer, and one sketch stays proudy pinned to the bulletin board.

the frame of a girl, her hold tight on the iv drip stand behind her. but she is smiling, and jeongguk will never forget her. he'd do everything else she asked him to, but never that. jeongguk hoped she understood her worth, and he was slowly learning to be happy with yoongi, with his other hyungs, with his army, his friends and his family.

and he silently hopes that one day, many years from now when they both have settled down and were happy with their own lives... that they would meet on the street.

that [name] would smile at him, and that he would know that whatever she asked him for would be a contract broken, and that he can wrap his arms around the girl and tell her that yes, he loves his dearest friend more than he will ever be abe to express.

and whenever he passed by the whiteboard, a crooked smile forms on his face each time, knowing he'll always have [name]'s support.

it's kinda... painful, but... it's going to be a reminder for him that life will never give you all the good, and that jeongguk has no choice but try to make the best out of it.

❝hi, [name].

the reason why i don't know how to fix a broken flower is because, there's no way you can fix it...

but you can plant the seeds and watch it grow again.

it won't be the same, but your heart will feel less hollow, after that because it’s still beautiful.

just like you are.❞

the end.

#jungkook #jeon jungkook #jeon jeongguk #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #wheelchair jungkook #bts #bangtan #bangtan sonyeondan bangtan angst

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gaiatheorist · 7 years ago

Text

Food insecurity.

This is me, this is my over-planning, and self-denial, in the face of the absolute mess that is Universal Credit. My ‘work coach’ intimated that the six-week minimum waiting period for the first payment could be reduced for new claimants, which is good, but doesn’t help people like me, who are already ‘behind.’ There’s also advice being circulated that claimants can ask for an immediate call-back, to avoid being charged for the 0345 number, that’s progress, but in my experience, you’ll have been on hold for a fair while before you even get an advisor to pick up, so you can ask for the call-back.

Nobody should be ‘better off on benefits than in work’, I haven’t had the TV on, to watch the Terrahawk respond to everyone’s favourite allotment-uncle with that, but I’ve picked it up on Twitter. Excuse me, I just need to rotate the champagne and caviar in my American-style fridge the size of a wardrobe. I’m being sarcastic, I’m not rotating the fridge-contents, because the second shelf of my fridge is held in place with a lolly-stick, some duct-tape, and a jar of chocolate sauce from when my son was here over the summer.

I spent some time this morning researching the local food-banks. We have two in this village, and there are possibly others that aren’t ‘advertised’ online. I’m not planning to use them, I just know that some of the families that end up going there are going to be completely flummoxed by the 3-day parcel contents, and I feel I should try to help. There’s a skills-gap, that the Daily Mail and such like to pounce on, that poor people don’t know how to cook from scratch. Some don’t, my mother didn’t, ‘food’, was something that went straight from the freezer to the oven, the microwave, or the ever-present chip-pan full of solidified lard. The exception was ‘Sunday Dinner’, which was done in the pressure-cooker. “A bag of carrots is only 40p!”, well, I’m a canny cook, and I’m not sure how many meals I could get out of said bag of carrots, I do, however, know that demoralised parents, with demanding children will know that own-brand chicken nuggets are around 60p, and that the kids will eat them. If there’s credit on the gas or electricity meters to cook them.

I’m used to ‘this’, to tins with plain white labels, and waiting until the pensioners have finished picking over the ‘reduced for quick sale’ section in Tesco, move aside, Gladys and Alf, you don’t like the look of that ‘foreign stuff.’ I’m used to going into the ‘bashed tin shop’, and trying to find the smallest piece of cheese they have, and then slice it REALLY thin. I’m used to food that isn’t really food, in that it will fill your belly, but provides no nutritional content. I’m used to going without, at first it was the ex who had the larger portion, the ‘better’ bit of the meal, and then it was the boy and the ex, I’m used to putting myself at the very bottom of the food-chain. I’m so used to being hungry that I don’t even notice it any more, years of just-not-eating as a teenager, and years of ‘saving’ food for other people have whacked my appetite as much as the brain injuries have cocked up my sense of when a ‘meal time’ is.

I’ve reverted back to that, to ‘saving’ food, even though I’m the only person in the house. “Don’t eat all of that.” is becoming a problem, in classic ‘Mum’ “You can’t have that, it’s for Christmas!” style. “Don’t eat that, what if the kid, or my weird visitor check the fridge?” “Don’t open that, you won’t use it all!” The irony here is that my cupboards and freezer are packed full, because I’m barely eating. I have enough money, between what’s left in my bank account, and the paltry Universal Credit payments, to last me a couple of months, so I’m ‘storing’ food, rather than eating it. I’m going to make myself ill, and I’m more worried about the other families in the village not knowing how to cook rice than I am about myself. Bottom of every list.

The other families are used to having their various benefits paid weekly, or fortnightly, they won’t have month-cupboards like mine, stuffed with tinned pulses that taste of nothing, and dried beans that take hours to cook. There’s tinned meat, and fish, I’m ‘saving’ it, and that’s my problem, I need to stop doing that, because I’ll make myself ill, nobody wants to read about a woman starving to death in a house stocked with food. I’m well-stocked because I’ve been buying a little bit extra of things that will last a long time. The other families won’t shop like that, when you’re paid weekly, you shop weekly, here’s no ‘big shop’ once a month, on pay-day, it’s a drip-feed, a trickle of whatever you can afford. We have one supermarket in this village, the next-nearest is roughly 2 miles away, and the ‘budget’ supermarket is about 3 miles out. For the ‘helpful’ people who like to comment that food is cheaper from market stalls, the nearest market is about 10 miles away, the return bus-fare is £4. The ‘standard’ element of Universal Credit, for bills, and food, and such, is £317 every four weeks for a single person, I don’t know what ‘family’ rates are, this system is less transparent than the old ones, I tell a lie, I’ve found it. https://www.entitledto.co.uk/help/Universal-Credit-Rates but try working that out if you have limited internet access and your literacy and numeracy skills are poor. I’ll work on my situation, because that’s what I’ve been doing for the last six months. (I’m over 25, no idea at all why the system differentiates on an arbitrary age-difference, technically a person under 25 might still be developing, hello future osteoporosis, and perhaps a resurgence in rickets and scurvy.)

£317, for four weeks, it ‘should’ be possible to live on that, shouldn’t it? We’ll take out of the equation that was probably what I earned in a week when I was working, yes, I’ve ‘tightened my belt’, and ‘cut my cloth to suit’, and such. The £317 isn’t £317 in my case, because the ‘housing’ element, that replaces Housing Benefit for UC doesn’t cover my rent, I’m essentially ‘borrowing’ from the ‘standard’ element. Borrowing the shortfall, of £150 per month from the £317, leaving me £167 a month for bills, and groceries. £41 a week, or thereabouts, I’m not going to calculate it properly, that has a more instant effect on my guts than only eating once a day, because I have to factor-in the energy cost of heating the food I already have stock-piled. I’m still on direct debits for my energy costs, a lot of people will be on pre-payment meters, take at least £10 a week from the £41 a week, to top-up the meters, and you can see where this is going. Another £10, for mobile phone credit, to comply with the ‘Claimant Commitment’ of daily internet job-searching? Gods help them if they have to phone the 35p/minute helpline.

The assumption that everyone knows how to budget monthly is going to hit a lot of people very hard. A trip to the local pay-point shop, to top up gas, electricity, mobile etc, I’ve been in post-office queues behind people. Now, if you think ahead, and put four weeks credit on the cards/keys at once, that takes one hell of a chunk of your available budget. I’m only having slight palpitations when I check my bank balance, if this continues for a couple more months, I’ll be worse than that. (I’m waiting for the tribunal on my disability claim to go through, so I know how much of a reduction in hours/income I can stand, committing myself to ‘any suitable’ full-time job at this point is a risk I’m not willing to take, for me, or other parties.)

I am cautious, I’ve had extended periods of my life where there was more month than money, I know about the factory reject shops, and the tricks to pay lower delivery charges than the bus-fare would cost. There’s enough canned and frozen food in the house to last me for months, it won’t just be ‘me’ for one of those months, when the kid is back from uni. (leaving lights on, and doors open...) For people that only bought food week-to-week, there isn’t going to be that stockpile, and the job-coaches delivering the ‘budgeting advice’ have never been as dirt-poor as we are. (My job-coach doesn’t do her own grocery shopping, her husband ‘deals with all of that’, she has no idea of the cost of anything.) ‘We’ are being lectured about buying essential products from convenience shops, about buying in bulk being more cost-effective, about cooking from scratch being more cost-effective. Yes, a sack of potatoes is more cost-effective than pre-packed over time, but I’m not going to use a whole sack of potatoes, and the £1-odd is easier to bear than the £6 to £10 for a 25kg sack, when you have £40 a week for bills AND food. (I have 2 potatoes left, that’s how poor-conscious I am, I could probably list how many/much of everything I have left in the house.)

I’m watering down my shower-gel and washing up liquid, I’m wearing 3 jumpers instead of turning on the portable heater, because, even on the lowest setting, it uses 67p/hour. The kettle uses 35p/hour, the washing machine £1.47, and the oven £1.53. I’m rationing my hot drinks, both due to the kettle-cost, and the fact that £4 for a jar of coffee, or £2 for a box of tea-bags means something else I can’t-have in my grocery shopping. Yesterday, I un-did my online grocery basket, juggling, balancing what I already had in, because I haven’t used it, with things I’d put in the ‘basket’ on auto-pilot. This is the reality of Universal Credit, we know it’s not supposed to be nice, that’s the deliberate disincentive, if I COULD have ‘just’ secured another job straight away, believe me, I would have done it, but I’m still battling my way through the NHS, and the PIP system with my brain injuries, Ken Loach would have a field day with me, I’m missing-meals ‘Katie’, and disabled ‘Daniel’ in one.

Away with me, I ‘should’ volunteer to give budget-stretching advice, and cooking demos at the local food-banks, and community centres, but my medical condition fluctuates so much I can’t commit to that. Also, the number of times I cut/burn myself preparing food might be a little off-putting for the type of people who would rather slam a tray of sausage and chips in the oven. (And remember they’d done it, not wander off, then wonder why the smoke alarm is going off.) I’ll do what I can online, signposting and such, and try not to get too annoyed at the ‘luxury’ ingredients that creep into the ‘love food, hate waste’ website. I don’t have ‘leftover’ lamb, thank you very much, I did manage to snag a tray of stewing lamb chunks out of the yellow-sticker area a few weeks ago, and it WAS a treat, the ‘stew’ was watered down on the second day, and on the third day, it was essentially soup. 3 meals, out of £1.46 of lamb, a bag of frozen casserole mix, and a handful of dried beans. I made a tin of tomato soup last 3 meals this week, by throwing a scrambled egg into the ‘other half’ on the second day. It was so disgusting I couldn’t eat half of it, so that was the third day sorted.

‘No evidence of malnutrition’ on my PIP-assessment, to be fair, I’m still carrying a little fat from the inactivity, but it’s impossible to evaluate ‘malnutrition’ based on a visual assessment of ‘appeared to be of a normal weight.’ We are going to see malnutrition return under Universal Credit, the foundations are already there, in the frozen-chips-skills-gaps. This food insecurity presents oddly in me, due to my lack of appetite, I acknowledge that, I’ve had so many years of food-avoidance that I don’t have much of a ‘hunger’ trigger any more. The brain damage making food taste ‘odd’, and all the new difficulties I have preparing/cooking food have just exacerbated not-wanting-to-eat. It will present differently in other people. Skipping meals will lead to irritability, arguments, domestic violence, potentially worse. Lack of money for food will lead to shoplifting, to burglaries and street crime, once all the pawn-able good are gone.

This system is a mess, and it is my opinion that it was the intention for it to be. A life ‘on benefits’ shouldn’t be a life of luxury, everyone acknowledges that, nobody ‘needs’ chocolate, and Sky TV, obviously, I have neither. The ‘waiting period’ will catapult some claimants straight into zero-hours contracts doing anything-at-all, then they’re not the government’s responsibility when they have 40 hours one week, and 4 the next. The claim is held open for six months after employment is secured, the system knows that people are going to bounce between temporary and zero-hours jobs, but, hey, they’re not unemployment statistics. The influx of ‘seasonal’ work will mitigate the figures for a couple of months, they will spike again in January, as the full roll-out is scheduled for next April.

It isn’t working, other than to further divide this already fractured society. ‘Just’ get a job, ‘just’ buy own-brand, ‘just’ pull your socks up, and get on with it. The system isn’t just, and it isn’t justifiable to assume that thousands of vulnerable people, some lacking skills, can navigate it. I’m lucky, my phone and internet are still connected, I can limp by from home, rather than having to drag myself to the Job Centre or library every day, to check-in on a system that my job-coach told me this week there was no point bothering with, due to the frequency of technical issues with it. I saw a little old man painstakingly writing down contact details from one of the two-of-four terminals that were working this week, I can’t see anywhere in my Job Centre that provides a phone to use, though.

Poverty line? I can’t even see it from here. Nobody is ‘entitled’ to be ‘kept’ by the state, but these systems, like many people’s food situations, are not providing any level of security. Some of us will quietly starve, some will be unable to access medical treatment, some will be victims of violent crime, as the insecurity widens, and, whether through poverty, or mental illness, or pure, abject inability to cope, neighbours turn on each other. This village has areas where ‘undesirables’ are re-located after evictions, or fleeing domestic abuse, that estate will be the worst-hit, but not the first-hit. The first-hit will be the more affluent areas, because some people who can’t afford to eat will break into houses, and steal goods to sell-on. In the middle band, I’ll be hit by that, because my contents insurance premiums will rise, there’s nothing of value here to steal, but I still pay the insurance, in the same way I paid tax and national insurance from the age of 18. (Possibly a little before that, I can’t remember if there were deductions from my part-time wages between the age of 16 and 18.)

Today’s menu is chicken soup, the same as yesterday’s, I suppose I ought to freeze the rest, to reduce the risk of being sanctioned for not work-searching if I get food poisoning from re-heating the same food for three days in a row.

#universal credit #food insecurity #food bank #ukbenefits

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