#i rewrote the history like 3 times so if something doesnt make sense well. sorry

[itchose]

he feels bashful, second guessing everything he's doing and saying because he's not this kind of person usually. the sentimental part of him is reserved for someone he lost many years ago, someone he can't talk about and can't even feel comfortable referring to at all to just anyone. there are only two people he feels like he can, and even then, he's hesitant, because any sort of attention on him when it comes to his brother makes him start to panic — but as their tattoos are still healing, he convinces himself that it's okay to open up just a smidge, because what @manslaught did for his brother matters to him more than he could ever put into words — especially since she allowed him to honor him the same way — so he's trying, despite the nerves and the embarrassment and the suffocating vulnerability.

❝  if they're bad, i'm not a baker, ❞ he says in defense as he slides the cupcakes her way, his eyes avoiding hers like they always do when he's about to talk about him. but he tried, remembering days when he was younger, when javi would surprise him on his birthday every year with his favorite cupcakes that he begged their mother to help him make for travis. travis always pretended to be surrpised, until he got older, anyway, and started pretending he didn't care, that his birthday didn't matter, that he didn't appreciate what javi had done for him — just another one of the things he regrets now.

❝  he always made them for me on my birthday, ❞ he says, speaking so low that she may barely be able to hear him, but he clears his throat and sits up straighter, starting again. ❝  sort of. they might not be exactly the same. had to guess, mostly. i couldn't get my mom's recipe. ❞ rather, he didn't want to ask; things between them hadn't been great the past few years. they just didn't know how to reach each other, and bringing javi up randomly to her seemed like a horrible way to reconnect. ❝  so— ❞ he starts awkwardly, running his hand through his hair before forcing himself to look her way. ❝  i tried to make them for you, too. ❞ it's what he would have done, he means.