#i retyped this out quickly so if you see a typo let me know

[reinemichele]

Well. I had a post typed up about my cat and then the tumblr app crashed and I lost everything I typed. So I'm going to try to retype it all and I'm not gonna be cranky about it ❤

I'm putting a read-more bc it'll get long and be more of a stream of conscious/disorganized ramble and discuss animal death/injuries, alcoholism, and familial abuse, so please don't feel like you need to read it, I'm just getting my thoughts out.

Hurhghughhghugh . yeah that's how I feel send post

No um let's see. I usually try to be more organized with these posts but I started writing this at 6 in the morning and my back really hurts, so sorry if it's disjointed and has any typos.

First of all, I debated making this joke but it's my grief and mental illness, so

Every time I try a new antidepressant something bad happens, and I felt especially wary because something bad also happens every birthday too. But I was out of refills, wanted to try something else, couldn't get in until Dec 27th, & felt silly putting it off for a superstition I don't fully believe in. All that said, when I got home and took my first lexapro at almost 5 in the morning, I hoped that it would make these next few weeks easier.

Anyway, it was around 11:30pm, and I wanted to go to bed but I was trying to stay up to spend more time with my pets. My 🅱ack still really hurts from petsitting, so I was on the heating pad with my glasses off.

My mom called for me using my name, not a nickname, which she only does when she's in pain or distressed. It took me a minute to find my glasses, so she called again, and that got my brother's attention bc again, hearing "Erin" = something's wrong.

I don't remember what she said, probably that there was something wrong with Buttercup. I followed her and immediately saw he had a bloody gash on his eye. When he saw my brother and I he started meowing and tried to walk, but his legs buckled. My brother scooped him up and took him into the bathroom to see where he was hurt. I noticed blood on his tail and on 3 of his legs, but couldn't see where he was bleeding from.

There's really not enough room in our bathroom for 3 people and a big cat, so my mom started calling emergency vets while I got the cat carrier ready with a clean towel.

My brother wanted to grab gloves as a precaution before putting Buttercup in the carrier in case he got defensive and asked me to watch him while he left. I sat down next to him and he meowed to me, panting, and pressed his head into my leg for comfort. I petted his head and told him it'd be okay. I didn't think it was going to be okay.

I changed into a warmer shirt and brushed my hair, my brother and I took turns using the bathroom. We each grabbed a water bottle and headed out.

My brother knows my 🅱ack hurts, so he asked if I was sure about holding the cat carrier the whole time. I really didn't think we would be bringing Buttercup home, so I said yes. I didn't want the jostling of the car to scare and hurt him more than necessary, especially after he was seeking comfort in the bathroom. My brother could, um, drive fast, and I could hold the carrier as still as possible and stick my fingers in the gaps of the bars. He would be scared and in pain, but cats are smart; he would be able to understand he was being cared for.

The entire car ride, he cried frantically and pushed his head into my hand through the cage. I meowed to him and told him it was okay and I was sorry he was in pain. The closest emergency vet was an hour away and we had to stop for gas. My 🅱ack was definitely aching but I think it was worth it.

We got there and everyone was very nice and attentive and quick. They called Buttercup handsome and quickly gave him a painkiller. After 10 minutes he was still hyperventilating and they were concerned about his oxygen intake, so they took him into a little transparent cubby they could filter oxygen into. At one point I heard a tech mutter that his oxygen stat couldn't be "that"; he'd be in a coma if it was. He took the reading again and said that it made more sense. I can't really know for sure this is the case, but I know from experience both with my mom's time in healthcare and previous pets that animals can hold onto survival out of sheer will and stubbornness no matter how impossible it seems.

It was difficult to watch him struggle to breathe. I could tell he was still meowing for us. I wanted to ask them to give him another dose or possibly just sedate him, but I knew that it would suppress his respiratory system further (hospice babey), so I tried to just bear watching him suffer without being able to comfort him.

An hour later they gave him another dose and quickly did an ultrasound and xrays. They explained the respiratory system thing I just mentioned and that that was why they were hesitant to give him more, but they did give him another dose soon after that because he was still so agitated. After a few minutes we noticed that his breathing stopped. They started CPR and I wanted to ask them to stop, but my brother had gone to the bathroom and I didn't want to exclude him from the decision. He got back, we made eye contact, and we both asked them to stop doing CPR. It had been 8 minutes.

They told us they were really sorry for our loss and explained what the xrays and ultrasound revealed. He had no fractured bones, but there was a hernia in his chest, his heart had moved away from the surface of his chest cavity, and either his lungs or diaphragm were punctured because there was a lot of air in his chest, causing pressure/pain in the chest and difficulty breathing.

They didn't really need to come out and say it: even if his heart hadn't stopped, the internal damage was so severe that there wouldn't have been anything they could do to save him. We knew that was most likely the case even before the tests, we just couldn't let him suffer and die at home in that much pain.

Because of the gash on his eye and the punctured organs, they thought it was more likely to be a big bird that picked him up and dropped him when he started struggling than a car impact.

They wrapped him in a red blanket and took us to a private room where we could say goodbye. I held him, kissed his head, held his paws, and cried with my brother. We called our mom to tell her and she cried with us. She told us that my dad's sister offered to pay the bill, and I wanted to say that she (my aunt) could go to hell, but we really aren't in the financial position to refuse. So I didn't say anything ❤ And she texted my aunt's payment info to my brother.

I don't want to fully get into our relationship with her but as of writing this, my dad's sister is already emotionally blackmailing us. And that's the least abusive behavior from the people in my family I don't speak with anymore ❤

Anyway

I tried to process and piece together what all the test results meant. He was most likely picked up by a big bird and then dropped from a pretty decent height, causing severe pain and internal damage. Either he was dropped in our yard and didn't have to go far, or he was dropped far away and managed to hop the fence to get back into the yard despite his injuries. Once there, he cried for help and comfort from his trusted humans. Despite the pain and lack of oxygen most likely making him delirious, he didn't get defensive at all, completely trusting us. He didn't even hiss.

Cats are notorious for finding a quiet place to hide when they're injured, especially if the injuries are lethal. None of my cats have ever done that; a testament to the mutual love and trust we're able to build with them.

We spent a little more time with him and then made the cremation arrangements and payment. We almost forgot the cat carrier in our... state. It was late and we'd been crying a lot.

When we got home we all tried to make lighthearted conversation, but ended up all crying anyway. My mom apologized and said she knew he was "my" cat, but she still loved him a lot. I told her she didn't need to be sorry and that I was glad that he was loved by all of us.

We got Buttercup for my 21st birthday.

Alcoholism and abuse is prevalent in my family, to put it lightly, and people kept pressuring me to go out and drink for my birthday. I didn't want to have to share my childhood trauma to get people to leave me alone about drinking. I was, like, possessed with terror that I'd try one drink and then either spend the rest of my life burning for alcohol, or give in and become one of the monsters in the family. My brother could tell this was really weighing on me and suggested we adopt a cat for my birthday. In 2017 our 24 year old cat died, and in 2018 our 21 year old cat died, so I was still grieving them and we had the room. He said he'd never seen my eyes light up so quickly as when he made the suggestion. I think what he left unsaid was he didn't realize that all it would take to make me look less haunted would be to suggest taking in a new cat.

It sounds cheesy, but I think to me, taking in a new pet for my 21st birthday was a physical reminder that I wasn't doomed to repeat the same cycle found in my family. My future was mine to decide, and I could make it one where I put love and kindness into the universe. Being 21 didn't have to mean living in fear of hurting children the way I was hurt.

I had every intention of walking into the shelter and taking home the oldest cat there. But I saw Buttercup and just felt a connection. He was around 12 weeks old and the cutest creamy orange color. His ears and paws were too big for the rest of his body. He looked lonely and scared. I circled the shelter multiple times until both my brother and one of the staff gently said it was okay if I wanted to take a kitten home.

My brother's more of a dog person, but when we got Buttercup, he started really trying to research and understand cats, and I could see it in his eyes how happy he was that Buttercup saw him as a paternal figure and not just me. He was worried about Buttercup being too young to eat real cat food, he wanted to help potty train him. He started carrying Buttercup around on his shoulder and showing him parts of the house he was curious about. I had a migraine the day Buttercup was scheduled to be spayed and my brother said he could do it on his own. He spent the whole day checking in on him and nervously asked me if this or that was normal, when his appetite would return, when the anesthesia would wear off.

This was a turning point for my brother. Usually every time we took in a new cat, I was the one socializing them and helping them adjust to the house. This enthusiasm and love for Buttercup made my brother start putting in effort to bond with all our cats too. It was really sweet to watch unfold.

When we got Buttercup, my mom was working a grueling job really far away, so she had to get up at 5AM for the commute and sometimes didn't get home until 9PM. She almost always had to go straight to sleep, had no time for herself, and felt very depressed because of this job. So for the first year that we had Buttercup, he barely saw her and was quite shy around her.

After she was able to find a different job, she had more time and was much less depressed. She made it her mission to become Buttercup's friend, and within a few months he became her morning buddy. Suddenly he was knocking her eyeliner out of her hand so her hand was free to pet him, and he had gotten over his fear of the sound of running water because he wanted to stay in the bathroom while she showered. My mom stopped dreading mornings because she could look forward to spending them with Buttercup.

So... there's a lot I could say about my "family", defined as people who I'm related to by blood. But I'm not in the right mental space or time-frame to talk about it without saying things I can't take back. But I've cut contact with a lot of the people I share DNA with, and the only ones who I consider to be my "family" are my mom, two brothers, and one cousin. (My dad is dead, for the record, he didn't do anything heinous; he's just in an urn). In this small family of mine, our greatest strength is that we have an endless well of love for all living creatures.

So I don't want my mom or brother to feel guilty for being heartbroken. We loved that cat together; we made him feel wanted and cared for and loved. So we can mourn him together too. There's no hierarchy here.

[kasey-writes-stuff]

The boy with the reindeer clothes and captain america mask

You had fallen for Callahan the instant you first met him through bad boy halo’s Minecraft server. It was insane really out of all the guys and girls you could’ve fallen for you wound up falling for the faceless mute boy. I guess there was just something extra charming about how he was able to make you fall for him despite not showing his face or using his voice… It had been years since you had met him and the rest of the crew online and by now you had even met a few IRL! Still your heart aches for the one true person you wished to meet, you wished to hug, to hold, to kiss if he so wished… So all that being said after months of begging and convincing from your other friends to just get up the guts and ask… you finally did it…

You decided today would be the day you call Callahan and ask if he wants to meet up! Despite Callahan never talking he loved when you would call he always said your voice was very soothing and he’s even fell asleep to you talking away a few times.. You can always tell when he falls asleep because when he’s awake he keeps it saying that he’s typing but once he’s fallen asleep somehow it turns off fate or some magical power or maybe someone lives with him that you don’t know about, either way you don’t question it. It was like a silent understanding between the two of you to never question it whether be out of fear of somehow messing it up if you question it or if just simply neither of you cared enough to ask…

You take a deep breathe before clicking call… You anxiously await and within only two rings he picks up and quickly types in chat “hi, what’s up?” You gulp softly “Hi Calla well um I was actually calling because I well I have a question…” He types question marks and “okay? What is it?” You take another deep breathe your voice shaking as you finally say the words “Do you want to meet up with me?” You begin to ramble on about how he doesn’t have to show his face or anything but before you can barely mutter anything else out he types “yea sure I’m down when do you wanna do it? Do you want me to come to you or you come to me or what?” You blink a few times not believing the words you read

Your mind swirls wondering how he agreed to quickly and seems so calm when you felt as if your heart was gonna beat out of your chest… Little did you know he was actually feeling the same way and he had to retype the sentence a few times because his fingers were shaking so much he typoed quite a bit… You suddenly hear finger snapping and quickly are pulled back to reality making a small noise of alarm quickly looking at your computer screen you saw Callahan’s mic lit green and heard the quickest laugh before his mic was once again red… “Sorry I zoned out for a second there um I can come there if you don’t mind, I know it would be easier for you if I did”

Unbeknownst to you Callahan had a wide smile on his face as he silently cheered to himself before quickly typing that he would send you his address later and that he had to go! You laughed softly a bit from nerves of this actually happening and from imagining Callahan rushing around his house getting everything ready for your visit “okay sounds good I’ll see you later bye calla I L-“ you barely stopped yourself you had said it a few times before to him and honestly you said it almost all the time to your other friends but something about saying it to Callahan was different.. You didn’t like saying it not because you didn’t love him but because you couldn’t explain that how you said I love you to him and I love you to your other friends was different so you usually just refrained from saying it

Callahan laughed silently to himself quickly typing “I L- you too” his heart soared anytime you told him you loved him though he tried not to think much of it because you always said I love you to everyone else so it was just your thing right? Though it was painfully obvious you didn’t say it as much to him and that’s something he never understood and while it hurt like heck he could never bring himself to ask about it he was too scared he was too scared of being even more hurt so he just suffered in silence cherishing every time you told him you loved him even more each and every time you said it…

Once you ended the call with Callahan you quickly grabbed your phone FaceTiming Niki as you already begin packing.. Only a couple rings and she picks up “hi y/n! What’s up?!” You smile widely blushing brightly as you say “Well I may be taking a trip very soon…” she claps her hands together “really?! Where are you going?” You shrug softly finding your duffel bag “I don’t know yet” she turns her head at you curiously “what that makes no sense what do you-“ suddenly she stops a giant smile appearing on her face “YOU DID NOT” your smile widens as you nod excitedly “I DID I DID!” She screams happily “AAH Y/N I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!” You scream happily as well “AH THANK YOU” she excitedly says “YOU’RE WELCOME! So when are you leaving?” You throw your hands in the air “I don’t know probably within a week or two maybe?! We haven’t really discussed the details yet” she nodded softly “well let me know when you find them out!” You nodded back “I will I will! I’m gonna go ahead and get packed I’ll talk to you later love you!”

Callahan after ending call with y/n quickly grabbed his phone as he ran about tidying up. I began calling Dream and luckily within only a few rings he picked up “hello?” I quickly begin typing “DREAM” he laughs softly “what’s up calla?” I nearly bump into a wall as I’m typing but stop myself just before I hit it “Okay so I may have gotten asked by y/n if I would be okay with them coming out to meet me and I may have said yes…” Dream gasps softly and I can hear the smile in his voice as he speaks “What?! No way! I’m so happy for you guys! Finally! We’ve been trying to get you two to meet for years!” I roll my eyes light heartedly “I know I know so now you guys can finally stop nagging us” Dream laughs again “hey it was for your own goods okay? We’re just trying to help our friends be happy as they can be okay?” I smile to myself “yea yea whatever you say” he laughs more “Whaattt it’s true and you know it” I snicker to myself “maybe we’ll see, I’m gonna finish getting everything ready I’ll call you later okay?” I can hear his ever widening smile “Of course see you calla”

It was the next day and you were absolutely buzzing wishing you could tell chat the full story of why you weren’t gonna be able to stream next week but alas you and calla both wished to keep it very private in fact as far as you knew only Niki knew and as far as calla knew only Dream knew though you both suspected you had each more than likely had told someone neither of you knew for sure… anyways skip a bit and your stream has begun plenty of messages already asking what the title is about what does it mean and some being worried “Hello chat! Don’t worry don’t worry it’s nothing bad! It’s actually something really really good as to why I can’t stream!” Chat exploded asking millions of questions and others being relived that it was nothing bad, you laugh softly “Well I can’t spoil all the details as we wish to keep most of it private but I can’t stream next week because I’m meeting up with someone! Yes yes before you ask it’s someone you all know! Also again before you ask yes you can guess no I will not say if you got it right or not… at least not directly…”

Names come flying in like wild fire at first you’re seeing mainly Niki,Dream,Sapnap,even punz and bad but then you see one saying Callahan and you can’t stop the light blush that dusts your cheeks as you try to think of a way to discreetly let it be known someone guessed the right answer… Unable to think of one though you simply clap your hands and say “Okay guys someone guessed the right answer! I won’t say who and I won’t say details as I don’t wanna give it away but yes one of you guessed them!” And so of course chat lit up trying to figure out who the right answer was but alas they couldn’t figure it out, you laughed light heartedly at them and after that continued stream as normal just fiddling around the dream SMP setting up a few pranks and then deciding to build a little house with a small hint as to who you’re meeting with!

The house was simple it was made out of birch and dark oak and the small hint you used was you placed three flower pots on each of the widows.. in the first you placed a small red flower, in the second a small white one and in the final a small blue one.. You didn’t say anything about it being a hint you just placed the flowers and moved on doing a few more pranks. “Guys how do we prank Punz?” You giggled your body already erupted with butterflies knowing what Punz’s prank back to you would be “I already know he’s gonna get me back so badly but it’ll be worth it! I’m gonna replace all his pumpkins with melons!”

Chat explodes saying how thats such a simple but good prank and how punz will lose it and it’ll be so funny. You nod giggling “right right chat! So let’s get started shall we?” You begin and about ten minutes in suddenly calla shows up, you can’t help the excited smile on your face as you see Calla’s name pop up in game and you excitedly type “hi calla!” He types back “hi y/n!” You try to contain your ever growing smile “What’s up?” He says “Not much I’m watching your stream and saw you’re trying to prank punz so I decided to come help” You quickly nod now knowing he’s watching your stream you verbally say “Really?! I’d appreciate that so much thank you calla” He quickly says “Of course it’s not problem” and in no time he’s over there with you helping you replace all the pumpkins with watermelons, the job definitely gets done a lot quicker with calla there to help and it honestly is a lot more fun having calla there to bounce jokes off with you! In no time the job is done you quickly thank calla and tell him you’ll talk to him tomorrow and you end stream.

Before you go to bed you check your phone and see a text from calla “Hey so i forgot to ask earlier is that like our house or something? I noticed you made two bedrooms but you could always just make one and use the other to expand the work area if you want but if not it’s cool” You smile softly reading the text “I love the idea of expanding the room I’ll get on tomorrow off stream and fix it and yea it’s our little house… I hope you don’t mind I mean I just figured it’d be a nice little place ya know an extra place for each of us to keep things and to stay… I’m glad you got the flower hint, anyways I’ll work on it tomorrow I’m gonna try and get some sleep goodnight calla” A few minutes later a text pops up “Don’t worry I can always help and work on it besides there’s my own little hint that I wanna add as well so I’ll do it and I hope you sleep well goodnight can’t wait to see you next week” Your smile widens more as a your heart pounds “I can’t wait to see you either ❣️”

Throughout the rest of the week you only did two more streams and of course each one chat tried to get you or whoever happened to be on stream with you to spill who it was you were meeting with but no one you streamed with that week knew… besides calla of course! Chat didn’t believe them when they would say they didn’t know and it was honestly comical seeing them get so upset. It started with Sapnap and George and ended with Boomer and Punz.. Even after stream the duos had tried to get you to spill who you were meeting with but you refused to spill even to them, insisting they can wait just a few more days and though the four of them whined they settled and finally let you go.

So we fast forward and it’s Monday you leave tomorrow so you’re finishing last minute packing and waiting for Karl to come over so you can give him your spare keys because he so graciously agreed to watch your cats! Also so he can just hang out with you a bit before you have to leave and can drive you to the airport! You’re just about to start triple checking that you have everything when you hear a knock at your door. Your cats look at your curiously but don’t bother following see you rush to the door and open it to see a ever beaming Karl! He quickly rushes in hugging you tightly making you giggle as you hug him just as tightly “hi Karl!” He giggles softly “hi y/n!” After a few minutes you break apart and he quickly shuts your door. “Soooo since I’m watching your cats do I get to know where you’re going and who you’re seeing?”

You shake your head laughing softly “Sorry but no you’ll find out when everyone else does! I will say I’m going somewhere I’ve never been before” He tilts his head curiously trying to think “hmm I don’t know there’s a lot of places you’ve never been like you have yet to go to the UK, you have yet to go to like any of the states uhmm are you meeting someone you’ve never met?! Is it Sam?! Oh my gosh it’s Sam isn’t it?! You’ve never been to Texas and you’ve never met Sam!” You shake your head “Good guess good guess and while I would love to go meet Sam it is not Sam..” he pouts slightly “hmm well I don’t know there’s so many other guesses I could make” You smile and roll your eyes softly “Well instead of guessing where I’m going how about you help me double check that I have everything okay?”

He nods smiling softly “okay sounds good!” So for the rest of the night you and Karl double and triple check your bags and then just chill out watching your friends streams and posting pictures together! You both laugh at the fans freaking out over the random content of you two and laugh even more at them freaking out over karl with your cats. Two of your cats loved Karl but they love everyone so it wasn’t surprising but your third isn’t too fond of him but she’s not too fond of anyone, still Dream is convinced when he comes to visit you that she’ll love him and Karl is convinced that spending this week visiting them he’ll be able to make her love him. You’re not confident of either of those things happening but it makes you happy to see them so confident and happy so who are you to destroy their happiness.

Another small time skip and suddenly it’s Tuesday afternoon and time for you to leave, after spending an extra few minutes telling your cats goodbye and promising you’ll be back soon and that they know karl and he’ll take amazing care of them. Karl finally manages to pull you out the door and suddenly it’s all becoming more real than ever… It’s so real you’re frozen in place just standing outside your door, Karl locks your door for you and helps you sit on the ground outside your door rubbing your back “it’s okay everything is gonna be fine, we’re gonna get you to the airport the plane ride is gonna be your smoothest ever and when you get there they’re gonna be there waiting for you smiling widely and with open arms ready to give you the biggest and best hug you’ve ever had apart from my hugs” you nod and then giggle softly both because of how you don’t believe at all his statement of them being there waiting and smiling with open arms and also at his joke “Thank you Karl you’re the best you know that right?” He smiles softly squeezing your shoulder reasssuringly before smiling hopefully “so much the best that you’ll tell me who you’re meeting?” You giggle rolling your eyes “nooo not that much the best but I can give you another hint” he nods “okay okay go on!”

“Okay so I’ve never met them, I’ve never been to the place they live and they’ve been on my stream within the past month” Karl hummed in thought able to rule out, Sapnap, Dream, Alex, and Boomer… That still left way too many people so he shrugged “I don’t know I guess I’ll have to wait like everyone else” You smile softly “Well I can also say at least one person knows, I don’t know if the person I’m meeting told anyone but I assume they told at least one person so hehe” He gasps in mock offense “you told someone?! And that someone wasn’t me?! I’m so wounded!” You laugh at his dramatics “yes yes I did, it’s not that I don’t trust you obviously I do but it was just this certain person for some reason came to mind first but I wanted and still want to tell you as well but the person I’m meeting with wants to keep it very private for right now” he smiles softly hugging you gently “it’s okay don’t worry about it I’m happy for you okay? Now let’s get you to that airport!”

So now you were off! In no time you managed to make it to the airport and you had to admit it was kinda hard to leave Karl, you didn’t get to see him often as you would like.. He was always busy with mr beast and his own projects and you weren’t one to go out much so while you were frequently invited to be in mr beast videos you rarely agreed to them.. Karl sighs softly as he helps you get your bags, he sets them down beside you and hugs you tightly pressing a kiss to the top of your head “Be safe okay? Text me when you land” You hug him back even tighter and nod softly “I will don’t worry, I love you” after a few moments he lets you go “I love you too” Soon enough it was time to board the plane, the plane ride went fairly smooth only one crying toddler who luckily fell asleep and little turbulence and when getting your bags you even ran into a few fans who you gladly took pictures with and who tried light heartedly to get you to spill who you were meeting with to which you simply laughed and gave them a few extra wrist bands you kept with you and gave them to them as you said sorry that you weren’t able to tell them.

Today was finally the day! I rushed to finish getting ready knowing y/n should be arriving to the airport in no time and just as I finished getting ready and grabbed my keys my phone began ringing I quickly picked up and smiled brightly hearing y/n’s voice “hi calla! I just made it to the airport and got my bags! Are you here?” I quickly typed “not yet I’m leaving now I should be there in like thirty! I’m sorry I’m running a little late I couldn’t find the last piece of my outfit” They laughed softly and I blushed softly holding back my own laugh at how infectious theirs was “It’s okay i understand it’s a big thing so the outfit needs to be just right haha I’ll see you soon okay?” Though they can’t see it I nod excitedly as I respond “Yes see you soon can’t wait!” With that I hang up and make my way out the door, soon enough I’ve made it to the car and after what feels like forever but it’s really maybe forty five minutes at most I’ve finally made it to the airport! I take a deep breathe closing my eyes and opening them moments later..

I quickly put on my captain America mask, my light up red nose and raise my hood… Was I embarrassed? Yes definitely, was the chance of making y/n laugh and ensuring they would recognize me worth it? There’s no doubt it’s worth it… Another deep breathe and I manage to get myself into the airport and I begin scanning for y/n and within a few minutes I spot them! I quickly wave at them smiling widely and they break into a smile before trying to contain their laughter, I make my way over to them and press my nose to make it light up and thats when the dam breaks and they’re ever so melodious laughter rings through my ears…There’s something different about it this time though it sounds even better, it feels even more special, it makes me heart soar more than ever before. I find it hard to contain my own laughter a very small snicker escaping causing me to blush and quickly cover my mouth..

You’re practically doubled over in laughter in the middle of the airport but you don’t care you’re with Callahan and everything just feels so right… A few moments pass and you finally collect yourself, you boop his light up nose, he squints his eyes a bit and then pulls the nose off placing it gently on your own. You smile softly at him and start to stand on your tip toes to ensure you can reach his nose but then stop yourself realizing this isn’t Karl or Dream or even Sapnap this Callahan we’ve never met before you can’t just kiss his nose, or grab his hand as we walk or hug him.. He looks at you curiously and you simply play it off “You have a very nice nose” Your eyes widen realizing how that sounds “wait wait I mean this nose not your nose I mean not not that your nose is bad it’s a great nose I just ugh forget it let’s just go so if I embarrass myself anymore at least we’ll be alone”

He smirks softly nodding and holding a hand out for one of my bags, you hand it to him and smile and his smirk turns to a smile as he slings the bag over his shoulder and then holds his hand out again… You’re confused at first and go to push the handle of your wheely bag into his hand but he shakes his head and grabs your hand clasping your hands together.. You blush a light pink smiling happily as you walk off hands swinging softly, you don’t speak until you’ve made it to his car and he signs that you can choose the music. You smile softly connecting your phone to his Bluetooth and deciding to do a mix of new boy bands you liked and nostalgic songs.. You start with love song by why don’t we, you tap your hand to the beat humming a long at first but then softly singing… Callahan sneaks small glances at you smiling brightly seeing you beginning to let yourself loose.. Next comes this love by maroon five your eyes widen as you hear a tapping and then humming as you’re singing, you smile widely as you look to Callahan and see him jamming out! He notices you looking and blushes and stops but you shake your head and giggle “Don’t stop it’s okay I like it maybe we can harmonize together” He smiles a bit and nods, you begin singing again and he taps to the beat and then begins humming once more and in no time you’re harmonizing.. The song ends and you glance at each other wide smiles on your faces and light pink hues dusting your cheeks… You begin to just let a random playlist play different songs ranging from toxic by Britney Spears to The right stuff by new kids on the block plays but then hey Stephen by Taylor swift pops up and suddenly the lyrics come flooding into your mind and you blush brightly quickly skipping it, it’s too early to be playing that, it’s too early to be thinking of Callahan like that and making it so obvious… Luckily for you just before the lyrics really start you’ve made it to Callahan’s house..

Calla quickly hops out and helps you grab one of your bags his other hand grabbing your free one as he leads you to his door.. As you step inside you glance around smiling it’s very clean and simple sure it definitely looks lived in despite what you can see by the bag of trash calla forgot to take out the cleaning supplies he forgot to put back under the cabinet it looks lived in but in a very good way in a comforting way.. You’re not scared you’re gonna ruin anything or like you’re gonna mess anything up “Calla it’s beautiful” He smiles sheepishly as he signs “It’s not much but it’s home here come here and I’ll show you your room and then show you around” You nod and allow him to continue holding your hand as he takes you to your room, once you reach your room he lets go and sets your bag on the bed and you roll your other bag beside it and you nearly shiver at first… Not because the room is cold but your hand is cold and empty feeling like you’ve been outside playing in snow without gloves on so now your hand is freezing but yet feels empty not having the cold snow in it anymore…

He signs “I’ll uh let you settle in and when you’re done you can come out to the living room and we can order pizza or something and watch some tv” You nod and smile softly “Thanks that sounds great” he nods and leaves and so you begin unpacking and as you’re unpacking you get a call it’s from Niki, you smile widely and excitedly as you pick up “Hi Niki!” She smiles excitedly waving “Hi y/n! How’s everything going?!” You sigh in happiness and content as you say “It’s going great ihihi ehe I don’t know if he would like for me to say this but he showed up at the airport dressed like his minecraft skin!” She giggles “No way?! So you still haven’t even seen his face?” Your eyes widen as you suddenly realize “You’re right I haven’t, well I haven’t seen his whole face and I haven’t even seen his hair” Her eyes widen as she says “Is he ever gonna show you his face or what’s going on with that?” You shrug softly grabbing your phone as you finish unpacking “I don’t know honestly? I’m not gonna rush him into doing anything ya know? I mean I know at some point he’s probably gonna take the mask off and he has to take the reindeer onesie off sometime” she nods “Oh yea no no I wasn’t trying to pressure him or anything I was just genuinely curious,so what are you gonna do for your first night and where’s calla’s room compared to yours?” You smile and blush a bit “We’re gonna order pizza and watch tv and his room his just down the hall from mine there’s a bathroom in between our rooms” she wiggles an eyebrow teasingly “So are you gonna cuddle during the tv watching?” You roll your eyes light heartedly “No probably not I don’t wanna make him uncomfortable but then again I don’t know.. maybe… because well…” you pause blushing more hiding your face in your hands as you try and wipe the absolutely love sick look off your face but you’re unable to, Niki’s smile can’t get any wider as she excitedly asks “What what what because what?!” You bite your lip a bit and then take a small breathe before saying “Well he grabbed one of my bags when he met me at the airport and he held his hand out so I thought he wanted my other bag but he shook his head grabbed my hand and held it… and when we were walking to his car his kept holding my hand and when we got to his place he did it again and he actually didn’t let go until he let go so I could unpack…. And you know it’s weird.. my hand has felt cold ever since he let go…” Her eyes soften and she coos softly “Aweee y/n that’s so cute! Maybe you can hold hands when watching tv or something then I’m sure he wouldn’t mind” You nod “maybe maybe I don’t know I’m just so nervous to mess up I mean we’re friends we’re not anything else and this is our first time meeting and as far as I know his first time meeting any of us so I just want it to be good” she nods “Don’t overthink! It’s good you wanna take it slow and it’s good that you’re being cautious and concerned about his needs and comfort but don’t forget your own needs and comfort okay?” You smile thankfully at her “I won’t I won’t! I’m gonna go now I don’t wanna keep him waiting any longer, I love you thank you for everything” she smiles lovingly at you “Of course darling I love you too I’m always here day or night whatever you need whenever you need it bye have a good time” you nod “I will! Bye!”

So with that the call ends and you change into some simple pajama pants and a t-shirt before heading to the living room.. Your eyes widen a bit and seeing the back of Callahan’s head seeing his shortish brunette hair, but then you smirk to yourself a bit seeing he’s stood distracted looking through the TV for a decent movie or TV show… You sneak behind him and poke his sides! He jumps and lets out a small squeak whipping around to face you with wide eyes before his eyes narrow and he playfully smirks at you but then smiles mischievously… “Ohoho mahhannn that was sohoho gohohohod” You were lost in giggles but then saw his face and looked at him and began backing up nervously “Calla… whatever you’re planning d-don’t…” He pauses faking as if he’s thought before shaking his head no and quickly running at you, grabbing you and carrying you to the couch! You squeal in surprise giggles already tumbling out “EEP CALLA Nohohoho!” He tosses you gently onto the couch and carefully sits on your waist straddling you, you cover your face whining softly “Callahahaaaaa” You hear him snicker and you squeak and flinch feeling his hands shoot towards your sides even though they never touched you… You heard a very small laugh and your smile widened as you peeked out from behind your hands and Calla was smiling widely at you lost in thought it seemed…You smirked a bit and poked his stomach and he jumped covering his stomach before his eyes lit again with mischief and his hands darted towards your sides… This time though making contact! His fingers began curiously poking at your sides and he couldn’t help the delighted smile on his face as you squirm back and forth between his poking fingers, soon pokes turn to scribbles and scribbles to squeezes and you’re left laughing your heart out gasping for breathe but you wouldn’t have it any other way… Suddenly a knock is heard interrupting your laughter as Calla pauses and you both realize the pizza is here! Calla swiftly hops off you and runs to the door to pay before you can even manage to collect yourself enough to stand, let alone make it to the door.

Calla already knew all your favorite toppings seeing as you shared most of the same favorite toppings, he came back to the living room carrying two big pizza boxes, a medium box and a very small box… You went to the kitchen and began grabbing you and Calla drinks and plates and by the time you got back Calla already had everything ready to serve and had on the aristocats! You smile fondly at him setting your drinks down as your hand instinctively in a way gently cups his face as you run your thumb along it, he shivers slightly at the coldness of your hand and you giggle “sorry I forgot my hand would be cold, anyways you didn’t have to turn this on we could’ve watched whatever you wanted to” he shrugs softly before his hand comes to cup yours pushing it further against his face as his other hand signs “No you’re the guest so you get first movie choice and since I already know all your favorites and you’ve been talking about wanting to watch this one for weeks we’re watching this one okay?” You smile slightly wider as you nod “Okay whatever you say Calla, I’m not some kind of royalty though so don’t treat me like it okay? I’m just y/n I’m nothing special” even though you may not have necessarily meant to sound so self deprecating or depressing it still hurt Callahan deeply to hear you talk about yourself like that he sighed quietly as he gently removed your hand from his face and in a gentle movement cupped your face with both his hands as he closed his eyes for a few moments before opening them again he did not expect this to happen so soon but he’s gonna follow his gut… He shakily open his mouth saying “y/n p-p-please don’t t-talk a-about yourself like that… you’re even better than royalty honestly… You’re one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life and I’ll forever be grateful for you and I… well I… I hope you feel the same… Can I um? Am I allowed to? Is it okay if I?….”

You’re stuck in shock for a moment processing hearing his voice for the first time ever, it’s so nothing like you ever expected yet also somehow it fits him perfectly and you wouldn’t change it at all after finally recollecting yourself you nod and close the gap between your faces… Your lips connect and it’s almost like you feel a little explosion in your stomach like hundreds of mini fireworks went off…The fireworks increasing as he cups your face with both his hands…After a few more seconds you each break apart smiling at each other while blushing bright red… You look at Calla curiously “so um what does this mean?” He shrugs softly his voice a bit scratchy because it’s not used much at all “Well what do you want it to mean?” You shrug back “Well I mean I’d like it to mean something special… I’d like it to mean we’re a thing honestly but I don’t wanna rush you or rush things I mean this is our first time meeting this is literally my first night here and we’ve already kissed… Which I loved the kiss don’t get me wrong I loved it but I guess just for now it’ll be a kiss and nothing more? We’ll just give it the rest of my time here and see at the end of the week to see how we feel? And we’re definitely not going to tell anyone because it’ll make it all harder agreed?” He nodded laughing softly at the last bit “that sounds good and yes I definitely agree, um I know I like just started using my voice but can I go back to signing my throat is actually getting really sore” Your eyes soften as you nod “of course! Never feel like you have to talk to me okay? Don’t force yourself I’m just fine with us using sign to communicate though your voice is really nice to hear don’t feel pressured or insecure or anything I lo-I um… I…” His eyes widen a bit as his blush darkens and he signs “You what? Why do you almost never say you love me?” You sigh softly glancing away before staring at your lap “Because it’s not the same and I was scared… I didn’t wanna say it because when I say it to you I don’t mean it how I say it to everyone else and I just it didn’t feel right saying it to you so much and it being something completely different” He holds your hand gently rubbing his thumb on your palm making you giggle softly and his eyes soften as he uses his free hand to say “It’s okay I get it and I appreciate it now actually knowing why you didn’t say it and I lo- you too!” You smile and roll your eyes light heartedly squeezing his side “You’re such a nerd dude” he squeaks at the squeeze narrowing his eyes playfully and you smirk “You know I still haven’t gotten my revenge yet…” His eyes widen as he backs up and begins to try and stand as he signs “Y/N don’t do it…”

My eyes are widened as I’m backing up seeing the mischievous glint in y/n’s eyes as they say “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t” I sit for a moment trying think of one and just shrug, they snicker “Welp I don’t see or hear you giving me a good reason” With that they begin scribbling on my sides and despite my best efforts to hold back I can’t and I break into giggles that near soft laughter the closer to my ribs or hips they get! They definitely notice because soon after they move one hand to my hip squeezing and kneading as their other scribbles up and down and inbetween my ribs! I let out the most embarrassing squeal before falling into loud laughter! I attempt to squirm away from them but as they hit a couple particularly sensitive areas I actually fall off the couch sending us tumbling the two of us in an out of breathe heap on the floor.. We both groan softly and then giggle “Like the view? Cause I kinda like my view” They scoff and lightly slap my arm before getting off me and pulling me up, I pull them into a hug and they seem worried at first and tense maybe thinking I’m gonna tickle them again but they sigh contently as I fall gently back onto the couch with them keeping my hold on them as I press play on the movie… Y/n falls asleep about half way through the movie and I don’t have the heart to move them so I simply turned on another movie and soon fell asleep my own self..

[goatsandgangsters]

do you have any writing tips pls 🥺🥺

Ohhh big question! I’m flattered that you want my writing thoughts, anon!

So. Are we talking about tips on getting through writer’s block/sitting down and actually writing? The mechanics of writing itself, the individual sentences and word choices? Developing a plot? Characters or dialogue? Drafting and revising? If there’s a specific part of the process that’s angsting you, let me know, I’m happy to say more on that. For now I’ll try and touch on as much as broadly as I can.

Writing is a process, a craft, a practice. A joy and a trial. The act of hitting some keys with your fingers but also making something out of nothing. Which is to say—it comes with practice, it can be frustrating, it can be rewarding, and however you’re feeling about writing, you’re not the only one.

Inspiration/actually sitting down to write:

I find that writing is like exercise. Yes, in the sense that it takes practice to build up those muscles, but MORE IMPORTANTLY writing, like exercise, makes me groan and go “but that’s haaaaard I don’t wanna doooooo it, what if I just siiiit here insteaaaad.” And then I grudgingly get started. And I start to get into the rhythm. And then “oh goddammit. This DOES feel good.” I’ve still never experienced a runner’s high, but I have experienced “no I don’t wanna write. well I guess I’ll write. oh hey I’m writing. oH HEY!! I’M WRITING!!!” Sometimes you just need to push yourself through to start.

That said, sometimes you don’t need to push yourself to start. Sometimes it’s better to let something sit. It’s okay to pivot to another project if you’ve stalled out on one. I saw a post once that called this “crop rotation” and I think that’s true. Sometimes the challenge is getting started, but even when you can’t get started, the time away can be valuable, because it allows you to return with fresh ideas and fresh ideas.

I love using Fighter’s Block for when I can’t get started. It curbs my perfectionist tendency to write the same first sentence over and over again by forcing me to write consistently and quickly without refreshing tumblr between every sentence. Once I’ve got a paragraph, I’ve got enough of a rhythm going to keep writing on my own. You can use it for longer stretches of time, but I find a couple rounds of 200 word count goals is enough to get me through the inertia of getting started.

Read a lot:

Reading makes you a better writer. You will absorb aspects of the craft in the process—sentence structure, rhythm, plot beats.

Then think about what you read. Think about what works. Think about what doesn’t. Notice sentences that you love—not by meaning but by sound. Think about how the story is told, how the plot elements come together, how the themes operate, how the narrative is structured. Did the flashbacks works or were they superfluous? Did you love the metaphors and descriptive language, or did it feel vague and unhelpful? What parts grabbed you, what parts didn’t?

Being able to identify what does and doesn’t work in someone else’s writing will help you apply it to your own. It will also help you craft your own voice and style.

Use writing tips as a challenge, not a rule:

We’ve all seen those “writing rules” like don’t use adverbs, don’t say feels or thinks, don’t say said. Never listen to writing “rules”; instead, see them as a writing “challenge.” You don’t need to jettison every single adverb or permanently strike certain words from your writing. Sometimes, an adverb is the best word. And sometimes it isn’t.

These tips are useful, but not as hard-and-fast rules that must be obeyed every time under every circumstance. Instead, use them as tools to challenge you to think about your writing in new ways, to see if there’s a better way to say something (and maybe there is and maybe there isn’t), and to bring a freshness to the process.

I actually do really like to challenge myself to minimize feels and thinks. “He feels sick to his stomach” will pretty much always be less powerful than “His stomach lurches.” But sometimes feels and thinks work better, either because I need quick exposition or because it specifically emphasizes a thought or a feeling as perception. Again, it’s not about rules. It’s about challenging your habits to breathe new life into your writing. 

Revising tools:

if you’re a tactile person and you own a printer (which I am but I don’t), I like to print out a draft and sit on the floor with a pen and a highlighter and highlight anything that sounds clunky or that doesn’t quite fit. Then I massage those specific sentences, looking for other ways to say them, and narrow in on those parts rather than trying to edit everything overall.

The hemingway app method (as long as you know you’re allowed to disagree with it) can be good to catch certain things. Sometimes I use it and think “yeah that sentences IS too long and awkward, I should rephrase it” and sometimes I think “nah, that sentence is long but it’s controlled and it works.” Sometimes it’s useful in pointing out that I used the word just way too many times; sometimes I’ll keep my adverbs thanks.

Retyping the entire thing in another word document is another revising trick. So is reading the entire think out loud to yourself (your actual ear will catch awkward rhythms or typos that your inner voice glossed over).

(Note: I don’t do all of these all the time. I revise with whichever method I happen to be feeling at the moment)

Character interactions:

Overly expository character interactions are probably my #1 writing pet peeve. People don’t say what they mean. They don’t calmly and carefully and eloquently articulate exactly what they feel. If your characters are conversing in well-practiced monologues where they’re able to objectively analyze and express their exact feelings, it’s not believable. It’s also not fun for the reader, because Explanations of Emotions are being used as a stand-in for actual emotions.

Example: You don’t have a breakdown because you’re stressed about losing your job and you had a fight with your sister and you’re also the protagonist who has to save the entire world. You have a breakdown because you can’t find your fucking pen. It was here a moment ago, you know it was, you put it THERE because that’s where you PUT things but now it’s gone and the pen is gone and you can’t even find the fucking pen so how are you going to save the world and everything is going to SHIT because you can’t FIND your goddamn pEN.

Your character is probably not even an expert on their own feelings, let alone able to objectively explain them to someone else. There are things we can’t make ourselves say out loud. We deflect. We put all the big feelings into small things. We squeeze someone’s hand and say come on, let’s make dinner because you can’t say everything is going to be okay I promise you and I love you so much and one day you’ll see that it’ll all work out.

What are your characters saying with their body? What are they saying with what’s left unsaid? And when are they saying something Else that’s really about Them? (“You did what you had to do,” character A assures character B, because character A’s own guilt weighs on them. They’ll never say this out loud. They don’t even need to specifically think “just like my own guilt, which weighs on me.” We know it by what they say, about other people and about other things, because these are the times when you’re really talking about yourself)

Also, the size of the emotion displayed does not translate into the size of the emotional impact on the reader. A big sweeping declaration of I love you shouldn’t be used as a stand-in for real chemistry or a moment of love that is specific to those characters. An absolute sobbing breakdown isn’t inherently more tragic for its size. You don’t need torture porn to evoke angst. Emotions are a lot more subtle than that. Using a caricature of emotion in the extreme often cheapens the emotion for the reader, rather than enhancing it. 

Other assorted tips:

Write notes! Sit up at 3 AM and write down a snippet of dialogue in a note on your phone! Jot down the plot idea for later! Note the phrase you heard someone say that sounds like it would be a good title.

If you can’t figure out how to end your story or your section or your chapter, it might be because it’s already over and the story has finished telling itself. If the beginning doesn’t feel right, if it feels slow and clunky, it might be because your starting place is too early. If the character interaction feels wrong or the scene isn’t going right or you can’t make that line of dialogue work, the problem is probably about 5 or 10 lines up where you took a wrong turn.

An em dash—like the one I used here—separates out a part of the sentence that couldn’t be a sentence on its own. Semicolons join two independent sentences together; this is an example.

The dialogue tag is part of the sentence. Correct: “I love dogs,” he said. or “I love dogs.” Incorrect: “I love dogs.” he said. or “I love dogs,” He said.

That’s everything that comes to mind immediately. If there’s another part of the process that you want me to focus on, let me know! I’m happy to go more in-depth on specifics! 

[plague-of-insomnia]

🍋 🍌

Thank you for the ask 💕!!

🍋 Your descriptions are transportive

Wow... 😶☺️🥰 Thank you.

🍌I want to pick your brain about your creative process.

This will be a long post, FYI.

Chaos.

Haha, I’m joking.

Or am I?

Honestly, I’ve tried a lot of different things over the years, including outlining, and it never works for me bc my characters control the story. I really am just their interpreter, putting their lives and words onto virtual paper.

I’m a “character first” kind of writer (as opposed to a “plot first”), and that means I could probably tell you what any of the main cast of my stories ate for breakfast on the morning of their 8th birthday, but I couldn’t tell you what happens in the end, or sometimes even in the next chapter, bc I don’t know until I “get there.”

I’ve done my best to break my process down into 8 steps.

Step 1: The Idea

When I first get an idea, it usually comes to me in terms of a really vivid scene, like the chapter in Where Demons Hide called “Spark of Madness.” Usually that scene ends up in the beginning of the story but not normally the first chapter. Sometimes it’ll give me some story/plot to help me begin to flesh out the idea more, like in that example, where the main antagonist/conflict is introduced, though normally I have to work at it a bit more.

Step 2: Flesh Things Out

This is where I brainstorm, usually thinking about the main characters, who they are and what their flaws might be and what they might want to help me “find” the story. Sometimes I’ll make a character sheet (normally I don’t if I’m working alone bc I don’t have to). I do normally make a file for notes where I’ll jot down possible ideas about the characters and where the story might go.

I’ll be perfectly honest and say while this process does get me jump started, most of the notes I jot down I don’t end up using bc as the characters and story formulates, they both tend to change from my original ideas.

Step 3: Research

This can often be tied in with #2 and it’s not as if it just stops here. But as I often write about disabilities, mental and chronic illness, I like to make sure I can get as much info about the disease/condition I want to represent as possible so that I can:

represent it appropriately and accurately and

so I can find story/character details along the way.

For example, in my novel UnConventional, I was able to talk with a friend who is not only an orthotic user (and has been for years) but is an engineer of sorts so he understands very well *how* they work. By talking with him about various orthotics and his own struggles with them, I was able to find new plot and character details that help make the story more vivid and real and also allowed me to drive it in directions I may not have been able to otherwise.

Step 4: Write, Write, Write.

Two things you need to know about my writing process:

I usually do better when I write out of order.

I need to visualize the scene in my head to write it effectively. My “writers block” comes from not being able to see things in my head

My method isn’t the most efficient, but it’s how my brain works, and I’ve learned to go with it rather than fight it.

I brainstorm with myself (or a friend or my husband if possible) when necessary, or sometimes I’ll just close my eyes in a quiet place to allow myself to “see” the next series of scenes. Before I can forget the vivid movie I saw in my head, I do what I call a “scene sketch.”

I call it a “sketch,” bc just like a sketch is usually the foundation for a piece of art, mine are the basic structure for a completed scene. I do this also if I have a pretty solid idea but don’t have the time to write or I’m too tired or something like that, bc sketches allow me to simply sit down and flesh them out to create a completed scene.

They’re kind of like what an outline might be for other writers but less organized. Sketches are like a little treatment of a scene, including the basic setting, an idea of POV, and even dialog and body language, but jotted down really quickly without quotes or dialog tags. Sometimes there’ll be things like “maybe this happens” bc once I actually write the scene I’ll know if that idea feels right or not.

Here’s an example from a rejected chapter of WDH (I ended up going in a slightly different direction):

Seb answers when room service knocks. Bard is hovering, maybe bc he heard Seb’s scream. He sees the bad bite on Seb’s bare chest, sees he’s trembling and drowning more than ever, his eyes almost pleading for rescue. But when Bard asks if he’s OK he smiles and says yes, sir. Takes the food from the room service person and says he’s been ordered to wait on the guests personally. Shuts the door in Bard’s face.

Sometimes these sketches can be very detailed, other times it’s more of a general, quick jot of what happens or the scene I want to set. It depends on my brain and the scene.

I like to set goals based on scenes (or sometimes chapters), and do my best to complete a scene in its entirety if possible before I stop. If I can’t bc of time, then I’ll write a really brief sketch so I know what I need to do when I pick back up again so I won’t forget.

I’ve been writing and editing long enough that depending on the project I’m able to self-edit as I write. That doesn’t mean I don’t revise or edit later, but it saves some time overall as I am more aware of certain things than I used to be.

Because I write out of order, my process often entails being a puzzle master and piecing things together. Especially for something like Where Demons Hide, which has a lot of flashbacks, since I write those separately from the main story, I then have to figure out where they “belong.” I’d say 98% of the time for this fic I have already written the flashbacks before the chapter(s) they end up in.

My original serial fiction I write in a similar fashion, where I often will write scenes out of order and then assemble them into chapters later. So sometimes I’ll make a kind of “outline” of plot points that I need to cover. It’s not so much a fixed thing as a memory aid and place for me to put notes of ideas that might come to me that aren’t completely fleshed out.

Step 5: Rest

Once I’ve completed a chapter, I try to let it “rest” for at least a few days, if not longer. Especially if it was a long chapter or something that was difficult to write and took me awhile so I’ve been working on it for days or even weeks at a time.

I do this for three reasons:

“In process” brain lies often and says a scene/chapter sucks and I should just burn my computer/phone and take up accounting instead, and that the pacing is awful and it’s boring and lots of similar untruths.

Especially if the chapter took me a long time to finish because it’s lengthy or complicated or has difficult subject matter or whatever, it means there’s a good chance I’ve been working on it for days or even weeks and I’m SICK TO DEATH of it and never want to see it again, so taking a break from it is a welcome relief. It’s like taking a vacation after you’ve been working overtime for months. Sometimes I’ll do writing-adjacent things during this time, like reading, organizing/typing my notes, jotting down things I need to work on, reading/watching stuff that will energize and inspire me. Other times I work on another project or other scenes/chapters in the same project. Sometimes I’ll just take a break if I’m feeling burnt out or stressed.

I can come back to the project with fresh eyes, so that I can read it and see what things are actually good (suck it, in-process brain) or what things may still need work in a way I couldn’t do so soon after finishing.

Step 6: Revise

I revise in different ways depending on how much I feel something needs fixing. The first revision is my chance to see how the puzzle pieces knit together, work on scenes that I noticed aren’t pulling their weight or that need to be fleshed out. Sometimes this means I will completely, totally rewrite—and by that I mean “retype.” I open a fresh document, and referencing the original, start over. This allows me to streamline and better hone my language and ensure each scene is working hard.

This is something I do if I feel like a scene isn’t working as-is or I have a shit-ton of notes and comments on the first draft and it’s so chaotic I feel like I can’t focus anymore. This is especially helpful for dialog.

Other times the revisions are less drastic. Sometimes I means moving a scene around or deleting one that isn’t working. Sometimes it means finding all the times I’ve repeated the same word and fixing that, or fixing places where I’ve used the same sentence type too often.

Revision can be a very long process, depending on the quality of the first draft and what my goal is. If it’s just fan fic I’m doing for fun, then I don’t obsess too much: usually 1-2 read throughs and adjustments are OK. If it’s something I’m going to submit for publication, then that’s a different story bc the quality of the edit of your submitted draft makes a good impression (or a bad one).

Step 7: Beta Reader

If I have one, which I don’t always, then this is where I’ll send it to them. Usually what I want in a beta reader isn’t stuff like proof or copy editing, but rather “big picture” stuff. I want them to tell me: “this scene isn’t working” or “this feels contrived” or “I don’t like the main character.”

It can be frustrating and disheartening to get feedback that means I have to go back and do some major revising, but that’s why they’re there, bc often it’s either things I couldn’t see bc I’m too close to the story, or stuff I was in denial about (lol). Listening to my betas always leads to a better draft.

Step 8: Proofreading/Copyediting

The last step. I’ve done this professionally so I’m usually pretty good at finding typos and inconsistencies myself, but some people will hire someone like me to do that work bc they don’t have the skill or the time. Even if it’s “just for fun,” proofing is important bc it affects readability, and it’s embarrassing to me if I post something with glaring proof errors 😶.

~~~Anyway, that is roughly how my brain works. I don’t know if this is what you were expecting or wanting, but here it is!