#i repeat its 3am so its probably not as eloquent as i hope it to be.

[cherry-treelane]

Okay but I wasn't even thinking about the drowning together part of free churro but like

We know from canon Monica had Fi taken away from her "the first time" bc she was hooked on oxy ( and she only mentions Fiona when she talks about it) and we know they were at one point homeless and Also that Fiona knew how to forge documents like doctors notes at nine so yeah they were drowning together ( but also Fiona was a child and to a point reliant on them to not end up in cps so they were keeping each other from Drowning drowning out of survival in Fiona's part) anyways I'm feral about them

forgot that some of this canonically happened but oh my god. this adds so much weight. "they were drowning together" THEY WERE DROWNING TOGETHER!!

Frank was deep in his addiction, Monica was submerged in her depression, and Fiona was trying to claw her way out of the bottomless hole of pressurising survival to no avail due to a lack of support. This is the thread that connected the three of them and led to a, albeit extremely resentful on Fiona's end, shared understanding of suffering. Despite the fact that the rest of the Gallagher kids also went through hell, they had a stable presence to rely on for love (Fiona), and they all helped eachother and knew they could rely on eachother. This shows how the "shared suffering" between Frank, Monica and Fiona in the Early Years heavily opposes to the dynamic of Fiona and the kids: in the Early Years, despite the fact that all three parties were in immense emotional distress, none of them could rely on eachother. The only stability in that type of situation was derived from Fiona and expressed through her being a caretaker of her parents— and even that was limited as she devoted more time to the kids and she was very young herself, she couldn't possibly save two grown adults from the shackles of their mental illness.

Otherwise, it was like two drowning people (Frank and Monica) screaming at another drowning person who is far out of reach (Fiona) to save all three of them. There was little to no trust, or devotion, or love, or care— unlike the Gallagher siblings. Of course, there was plenty of it from Fiona! She really tried her best. But it wasnt reciprocated by Frank and Monica so it met a dead end, showing how the elder Gallaghers (Frank, Monica, Fiona) dynamic is a foil to the Gallagher siblings' dynamic (Fiona and the kids). In the first dynamic, the only person looking out for anyone or showing any sort of effort to sustain the fragile balance of the family was Fiona. One little girl cannot repair something so deeply broken. This differs vastly to the second dynamic, where everyone is contributing somehow to the best of their ability and they actually have eachothers backs— particularly highlighted in season one where they all chip in for the bills, protect eachother, etc...

Something strikingly sad is that Fiona is actually quite separate and isolated in her drowning despite being witness to both her parents' and her siblings' as it relates to no-one else in the family. Frank and Monica connected on numerous occasions on the shared basis of reckless substance abuse, while the kids connected on the shared basis of all being victims of neglect and abuse— but no one could truly level with Fiona and comprehend the pull of the "forced primary caretaker" ocean that was drowning her. No-one really fully understands how she feels or what she experiences. This explains a lot regarding the treatment of Fiona and how everyone in the show — both her parents and her siblings, are quick to judge her, to criticise and mistreat; it's because she's misunderstood and no-one else can truly empathise with her position. It's easier to pass judgement on something that is difficult to grasp, and the entirety of Fiona's situation and what she represented wasnt always understood by her family, casting her aside. It's easier for them to all believe in the version of Fiona thats externally provided, as being confronted with the depth and uniqueness of her pain discomforts them and unsettlingly contradicts their comforting view of her as constantly strong— leading Fiona to sometimes be shut out and left in her drowning as everyone is under the impression that she'll manage to pull herself out like she has done so for years.

The idea that Fiona can simply withstand anything and everything with no help led to the inevitable abuse and abandonment of her by others on many occasions. When she behaves a certain way or steps a toe out of line, it's immediately put under immense scrutiny as everyone around her interprets it as "unshakable Fiona isn't acting like herself, so clearly she's turning into a bad person!" when in reality it's very fitting for a childhood filled with traumatic memories that nobody can recall except for herself (another example of how she was isolated in her struggle and then left to carry baggage which impacted future decisions and behaviour).

It's really interesting to me, because it gives me the metaphorical image of Frank and Monica being eachothers temporary "life jackets" (in the sense that they seek eachother out at their worst to fuel short-term excitement that pulls them out of the "drowning"), and Fiona being a permanent one for the kids. She makes sure they're just above the surface while simultaneously being pulled further down with no-one to save her. It really goes with Steve's plane oxygen mask analogy in season 1, where he insists that she needs to "put her mask on!" (put herself first for once). Its clear that Fiona tries to save those around her to validate herself and end up recieving the deserved parental love that will save her, just to realise that the only person that could really save her was herself. Its simultaneously the tragedy and success of Fiona Gallagher.