#i remember i used to do the Pin Screenshot Of Shame to respond to people cuz I didnt want to reveal my main acc lmao

[takami-takami]

ANYWAY because it actually was bothering me. I found it easier to search on the other social media I'm on rather than this blog, but I DISTINCTLY remember posting about it on both platforms so.

This is the thing they lied about. I posted this 31 weeks ago on november 11.

Also found this post where I'm bragging about you guys

[missmentelle]

How do I know if I'm being gaslit? What does that mean?

If you are experiencing “gaslighting”, it means that someone is intentionally trying to make you feel like you are irrational and insane. They will try to convince you that you can’t trust your own judgement, even about things that you experienced firsthand. The internet tends to use the term ‘gaslighting’ to describe any kind of lying or arguing, but it’s a lot more complicated than that - when you are being gaslit, it means someone is going out of their way to make you feel like you’re the crazy one who causes all the conflict in the relationship when in reality, it’s the other way around. A person who lies about liking your new haircut or starts an argument with you about whose turn it is to do the dishes is probably not gaslighting you - gaslighting is intentional, repeated, and specifically aimed at undermining your sanity and emotional stability. It is a pattern of abuse, and by definition, it can be very difficult to recognize and escape from. 

Examples of gaslighting include things like:

Insisting that things did not happen the way you remember them, even if you have proof. Maybe you and the abuser had an argument over WhatsApp yesterday, and they called you a slur. You definitely remember that this happened, because it was devastating for you, and you took screenshots in case they deleted the message. But when you confront the other person about what they said, they flat-out deny that it ever happened - in fact, they have no idea where this is coming from, and they feel insulted that you would accuse them of such a horrible thing. They didn’t do that. They’ve never done that. In fact, there was no argument. You made the whole thing up in your head. It doesn’t matter that you have screenshots - they don’t want to see them, because they know that you are totally misunderstanding what’s in them, just like you always do. When you’re being gaslit, the gaslighter doesn’t care about reality. They will flat-out deny what happened and create a new version of events that puts them in a better light, and they’ll insist that you are the one with the faulty memory for not remembering it that way. Even with evidence right in front of their faces, they’ll stick to their guns and say that you are completely inventing things. 

Constantly insisting that you overreact and blow things out of proportion. Maybe you saw a notification on your partner’s phone the other day, and you realize that they’ve been texting other people on a dating app. You are obviously very upset about the situation, and you aren’t sure if you even want to stay in the relationship. But instead of apologizing, your partner begins to get angry with you for how upset you are - they insist that you are blowing this completely out of proportion, that you’re being a huge drama queen, that you’re being manipulative and attention-seeking, and that it’s completely insane for you to be upset. Any time you are upset with the other person for genuinely hurting or harming you in some way, they flip everything around - all of a sudden, the conversation becomes focused on how unstable and dramatic you are, and the abuser’s wrongdoing is totally forgotten. The abuser paints a consistent picture of you as someone who freaks out over absolutely nothing and completely overreacts. 

Playing up your existing mental illness or insisting that you are mentally ill. Your abuser sees signs of mental illness in everything you do. If you have a history of mental illness, they’ll insist that it’s coming back - if you don’t have a history of mental illness, they’ll invent a new mental illness for you out of whole cloth. Did you get upset because your partner screamed at you? That’s not normal, you’re having huge mood swings and you’re definitely bipolar. Did you stick up for yourself when your partner was trying to control you? That’s definitely not normal, you’re acting just like this person they knew who had severe BPD. Whenever you are upset about the way you’re being treated or just refusing to be controlled, your abuser will play the mental illness card - suddenly, they are the hard-worn, loving caretaker and you are the very sick person who refuses to let them help you. Sometimes, when you are getting especially angry about your partner’s mistreatment, they may flip a switch and go from yelling at you to acting like your caretaker in an instant - they’ll start pleading with you to get help, offering to drive you to the hospital, and begging you to understand that you aren’t well and that they’re just so worried about you. The point, of course, is to completely undermine you as a person; they want you to believe that you are seriously mentally ill and incapable of understanding what’s real and what isn’t. 

Positioning themselves as the innocent “victim” in the relationship, even when they are the one mistreating you. To an outside observer, you are the one constantly being terrorized by someone who criticizes and controls you. But your gaslighter doesn’t want you to see it that way - according to them, they are the innocent victim who has to tiptoe around your constant unpredictable mood swings. They’ll claim that they try so hard to help you and avoid setting you off, but you’re just so unreasonable - they may even claim that you are the one abusing them. Any time you fight back, stand up for yourself or have a negative reaction to their abuse, they will find a way to frame things so that your response is the real issue, and not the abuse that provoked it. If they pinned you against a wall and you pushed them off you to get away, they will flip the narrative on you - they’ll swear up and down that they were just gently trying to keep you from hurting yourself when you violently attacked them. Somehow, every confrontation you have about your partner’s bad behaviour turns into you apologizing and feeling bad, even when you went into the conversation being pretty sure that you did nothing wrong. 

Intentionally turning friends and loved ones against you. A gaslighter will sometimes try to recruit your friends and family to “their” side, turning them against you. They will tell your loved ones all about your supposed mood swings, “mental health issues” and how difficult you are being, in an effort to win sympathy and destroy your credibility. The idea is that when you turn to your friends to say “my partner freaked out on me over something small last night”, they’ll respond with “mmmm, your partner already told us this story and they gave a very different version of what happened. It sounds like you’re leaving a lot out to make yourself sound better. Your partner says you’ve been acting weird lately, what’s going on with you?” It’s much easier to warp someone’s perception of reality if you can convince their friends and family to reinforce the fake reality that you’ve created. 

Dramatically misrepresenting your motives. A gaslighter will find ways to “prove” that you’re the kind of person they say you are, regardless of what you do. Even if you do something nice for them, they can find ways to twist things to suit their narrative. Did you buy them an expensive birthday present because you care about them? You’re clearly being manipulative and trying to bribe them somehow. Did you clean the whole house for them because you wanted them to be able to enjoy coming home to a clean living space? Nonsense, this was clearly you being passive-aggressive and trying to shame them for not being as clean as you. Your actions end up not mattering - no matter how hard you to try to prove that you aren’t the difficult, terrible person that your gaslighter says you are, they will always find ways to misrepresent your motives and lie about your intentions so they can turn your innocent behaviour into whatever they want it to be. 

Being gaslighted is an immensely stressful experience - it’s designed to make you feel crazy, and if you’re subjected to it for a long time, that’s exactly what will happen. It’s unbelievably stressful to be in a position where you feel like you cannot trust your own mind or make rational decisions. And when that stress inevitably starts to affect your mental health, that becomes further evidence that your abuser is correct and that you’re the crazy one. It can be extraordinarily difficult for a victim of long-term gaslighting to escape from their situation, because they genuinely start to believe that they are the problem in the relationship and that they’re lucky anyone will put up with them. 

If you suspect you are being gaslit, there are some things you can do to recognize the issue and break free from it:

Keep meticulous records. Write down the details of conversations and arguments as soon as they happen. Record fights with the audio recorder on your phone. Take and save screenshots of important conversations. Save voicemails. Keep a diary with dates and times of events. Nobody has perfect recall, but if your partner’s version of events consistently doesn’t match your hard evidence in a major way, that’s a pretty good sign that they are twisting the truth to suit their needs.

Talk to a neutral third party. Talk to someone outside the relationship that your partner doesn’t have access to - this could be a friend, a coworker, a neighbour, anyone that you feel you can trust. Turn to an internet group or forum if you have to. Show them the evidence you’ve collected or talk to them about what’s happening, and get a neutral perspective. People who have not been exposed to your gaslighter’s charms will be able to tell you pretty quickly that your situation is not normal. 

Think about your past relationships. Have any of your past relationships followed the same patterns as your current one? Has anyone in your past made similar complaints about you? If your last relationship didn’t have these kinds of issues, there’s a good chance that the new person in your life is the problem - not you.

Trust your gut. If you get the sense that something isn’t quite right, don’t ignore those feelings. Remember, you don’t actually have to be certain that you’re being gaslighted to justify leaving the relationship - if your relationship frequently causes you stress and anxiety or makes you feel like you can’t be yourself, something is seriously wrong and it may be time to go.

It’s also a good idea to talk to a mental health professional or a domestic abuse expert if you suspect you are being gaslighted - they are experts at helping your recognize it and come up with strategies to have healthier relationships in the future.

Hope this answers your question!

MM

[tenjouu]

DO-S STORY EVENT: I won’t let you say no tonight; Lancelot sweet + premium

VERY LONG POST:

You all may know this as the Lancelot-sensei event, or you will come to. for some reason, everything was 500% more embarrassing in chinese,, (i also wonder how they’re going to do the honorifics if they adapt this to english)

lancelot: ‘乖乖听老师的话‘ 

i nearly teared up from the secondhand embarrassment

also brief warning, the screenshots that i did save..... are out of order so THIS SUMMARY may also be out of order ahahaha

This post has both the sweet and premium endings!

As far as I can remember in the first chapter, Lancelot and MC are enjoying the good weather, and MC tells Lancelot that he should rest well and take breaks from work!! Lancelot says that he supposes he doesn’t really know when to take breaks (since there’s never really a good time), let alone how to take breaks. MC still insists that rest is super duper important, and no matter the work, he should still take care of his body—so Lancelot smiles at her for worrying.

Later, Edgar and Jonah catch MC in the hall. Apparently there’s going to be a ball soon, and naturally, MC should be the one to dance with Lancelot... But MC doesn’t know how to dance! Since she and Lancelot are lovers though, MC thinks this is something that she’ll have learn eventually, one of the many things that she’ll take up in order to stay by his side, and in order to,, befit him, I guess ;u;. So she says that she’s absolutely willing to learn (even with the time crunch), so Edgar and Jonah say that they’ll get her a teacher, and that they’ll meet in Lancelot’s room at night to start the first lesson.

MC wonders why it has to be Lancelot’s room but shows up anyway. Edgar introduces MC to her new dance teacher. It’s Lancelot LOL. MC’s completely surprised and asks, isn’t lancelot-sama busy though? and Lancelot confirms this and says this is why they must have these lessons at night. It makes sense for Lancelot to step in personally, since Lancelot will be the one dancing with MC anyway. Though MC is initially reluctant because she doesn’t want to take up Lancelot’s time, Lancelot gives some pretty good reasons, and Edgar says that they should start soon. (When MC says lancelot-sama, Lancelot says that it’s now lancelot-sensei, so MC switches to Lancelot-sensei during their lessons!) MC resolves to work hard and they begin! Lancelot says that being called sensei by MC is pretty refreshing.

Lancelot starts with a lot of technical positioning and tips on how to adopt proper posture, and tells MC to relax her stiffness. MC listens to all of these very carefully. He also demonstrates the footwork, and MC admires how seamless his form is!! MC repeatedly gets distracted by how beautiful Lancelot is. same

At one point, MC steps on Lancelot’s foot really hard too. His face:

He of course takes it very gamely and reassures her that it’s fineeeeee

(lmao while this is going on, edgar and jonah on the side of the room fawn over how good they are as a couple, out loud, and MC sneaks a glance at them, and then Lancelot also pins them with a heavy stare and they take that as their cue to leave LOL)

MC and Lancelot practice for a while, and then Lancelot ends the lesson there for the night. MC goes back to her own room, but later Lancelot asks to come in, checking up on her. Because MC was looking a little lethargic and lackluster after the lesson, he wondered if she was really tired out (best boyfriend) and came over. When she reassures him, he smiles anyway and kneels down by her bed. MC doesn’t react quickly enough, and he bares her foot and starts massaging it. And then THAT’S WHEN MC GETS FLUSTERED at the fact that lancelot is touching her foot, with his bare hands, she makes a sound of protest, and Lancelot gets worried, does it hurt?

mc: i can’t let lancelot-sama do these kinds of things....

Even though I wanted to stop him, he smiled without responding and even accurately pinpointed and applied pressure to the sore part of my foot.

lancelot: it’s fine. i’m doing it because i want to. (LOL i’ll leave you with two possible translations: (1) i’m doing it because i want to (2) i like doing it) so relax, alice.

MC feels kind of guilty about it, but since Lancelot insists and it feels really good, she lets it happen. She wonders at how Lancelot’s really good at giving massages too, but Lancelot says that he learned this from Kyle. He went to ask how best to take care of MC after the dance lessons because he was worried. MC is really touched and once again is reminded that she wants to work hard in order to honor the time and effort that Lancelot is putting in to help her—and so that she can be a good partner to Lancelot!

During the day, Lancelot works, and then at night, the two of them resume their lessons. AT ONE POINT Lancelot tells MC that during the dance, knowing the correct steps is important—but so is the appearance of the dancer. While dancing, one should keep a smile on their face. When MC smiles at him, Lancelot smiles back fondly (and a little wistfully, YOU KNOW HIS SPRITE’S WISTFUL SMILE) and says, ‘Exactly like that.’ He also tells her to keep her chin up, and the lesson continues!! During this whole period though, MC is worried about her progress because there are only a few days left. Lancelot tells MC that she should rest instead of practicing after their lessons are over, saying who’s the one who said that taking care of the body is the most important? so MC listens to him, but isn’t quite reassured. 

So she practices during the day too, and Loki catches her out shopping, doing some forms. Interested, he asks what she’s up to, and she explains the situation about an upcoming ball and how she’s worried about not practicing enough in order to dance well at Lancelot’s side. Loki playfully offers to practice with her, and MC thinks about it being better to practice with a partner and agrees with some surprise when suddenly, Lancelot appears and says very stonily there’s no need for that.

He approaches MC and Loki and draws MC close?? or behind him?? if I remember correctly,,

lancelot: alice is my student. there’s no need for the cheshire cat to step in. (lit: there’s no need for the cheshire cat to help practice but it doesn’t hold the same contempt in english when directly translated,,,)

loki: goodness, you gave me quite a scare. even you have your tetchy moments, huh?

Loki bids them farewell, and MC says bye. Though surprised, she’s still happy that she could see Lancelot in town (LOL and even if he got jealous, the depth of his feelings just made her happy too). She asks why he knew she was here; he explains that he was in the area for a meeting and heard her voice. But she notices that Lancelot turns his critical gaze to her; Lancelot asks if she thinks the lessons aren’t enough, so she explains that she just wants to do well for Lancelot, and she is a little worried about being able to keep up, so she’s just been practicing during the day too.

lancelot: to think that i didn’t notice my student’s feelings, it seems that i lack as a teacher.

lancelot: since practicing together during the day won’t be possible, i’ll be enforcing a more stringent regimen.

lancelot: i won’t show you any more mercy. you can look forward to tonight, alice. (手下留情 is so funny when lancelot is using this on MC)

e-eh? why does it feel like the situation’s always escalating?

Later that night, as promised, MC goes to Lancelot’s room. He’s notably stricter and is quick to point out all of the things that she’s doing wrong—to which MC panics on the inside because wow there are a lot of things and she can’t possibly fix all of those things at once—but Lancelot compliments her where it’s due (like when her posture is good!). MC is a little distracted because Lancelot’s expression this time is different from all the other lessons; he’s so serious. She wonders if this is the expression he has when he’s working, and when Lancelot’s side profile comes in close, she marvels at how handsome he is and then her heartbeat quickens.

Suddenly:

lancelot: though the waltz certainly is a dance between lovers, your gaze is far too fervent.

he lifted my chin to peer closely at me, causing heat to rush to my cheeks.

lancelot: are you thinking something shameful?

I regret not taking the screens... But this was his expression:

And here’s where it diverges!

Sweet (....i don’t remember this as well sdflkjf)

MC flounders a little, a little lost. Lancelot lets her take the heat a little longer before he breaks into a playful smile and says that he was just joking. They get quickly back to lessons after MC reassures Lancelot that she’s fine. Lancelot tells her that it’s okay that she was distracted, but during the dance, all she should think about is him. (MC is like, i can’t say that i am only thinking about him!!) and after that, I’m pretty sure things go off without a hitch. She gets back to focusing and does the smile and the head-raised-high thing!! Soft moment.

The day of the ball is then upon them. MC rushes to finish preparing and runs to the waiting carriage, apologizing for keeping Lancelot waiting. When Lancelot sees her, his eyes widen in surprise, and he pauses. MC asks if something’s wrong (if she overdid it / her wardrobe isn’t good), but Lancelot shakes his head and smiles and says that it’s because she looks beautiful. (;;;w;;;;;)

They pull up to the place, and even though MC acknowledges the blood, sweat, and tears she put into all that practice, performance anxiety is still inevitable... Lancelot notices that she’s tense and tells her again that all she has to do is focus on him, and that she practiced hard. And MC steels her resolve and they go in and destroy. Spectators watch in awe when Lancelot and MC dance together!

After they dance, Lancelot’s over talking to some other people (kingly duties), so MC approaches and greets Ray. Ray is (with his usual laidback cheer), ‘You were great out there. lmao talk about a surprise, you had me thinking you were some ojousama’ (probably meant noble’s daughter; he used 小姐 which is kind of to that effect but i couldn’t think of an english equivalent.... debutante? except without the debuting,, just an upper class young woman) 

MC thinks huuu, ray,, you’re exaggerating too much—

MC says casually to Ray that she actually didn’t even know how to dance before, but worked really hard to learn it in the short period of time before the ball. Ray’s like, ‘oho? you’ve worked hard’ and then MC says that Lancelot was her teacher,,

ray: lancelot? was your teacher? (his expression is absolutely baffled)

mc: (laughs) yes, he’s a very shrewd teacher.

ray: i can’t imagine it at all...

They laugh together while watching Lancelot with his crowd from afar. MC thinks to herself that she should properly thank Lancelot later, and so that’s how the event concludes.

Later that night, Lancelot and MC are in Lancelot’s room. Lancelot asks if MC’s feeling worn out from the anxiety, and MC says that she’s not, but rather than her, isn’t Lancelot tired? Lancelot replies that he’s not either, thanks to having an excellent partner, and smiles at her. MC deflects and says it’s because of Lancelot that she could become a good partner to him. Then she also happily reports to Lancelot what Ray said about mistaking her for a noble’s daughter and said that he was hyperbolizing, but was pleased about it. When MC tells Lancelot this, his expression suddenly turns serious.

lmao he then expresses his disagreement, and MC deflates a little, wondering aloud if it’s because she didn’t put in enough effort? But then Lancelot looks at her gently and says, that’s not what I meant. I mean that you’re incomparable to those other women. You’re unique to me. Lancelot then cards his fingers through MC’s hair and says that MC worked really hard this week. MC says that as long as it’s for Lancelot, she’ll do her best, and that after such a major learning experience, she feels like she’s gotten close to Lancelot. Lancelot says that hearing this makes him happy— (;;;w;;;) and they have some banter back-and-forth about being student and teacher:

lancelot: you’re a good student. a quick learner and eager.

mc: naturally, because i learned from the best sensei.

lancelot: the best sensei, you say. do you really think so?

lancelot: ‘the best sensei’ wouldn’t have such impure feelings for a student. 

Lancelot-sama smiled and lifted my chin to kiss me.

lancelot: even then, am i still the best sensei?

of course.

mc: of course. to me, lancelot-sama is the best sensei, the best lover.

And so concludes the sweet end!!

Premium (i never got the ‘do-s’ vibe from lancelot even though it was in his character profile...... but i finally got it from this event lmao)

lancelot: are you thinking something shameful? mc: no, nothing like that... lancelot: then why don’t you say what you were thinking aloud?

(ahh...) How could I possibly say something like ‘looking at Lancelot-sama up close makes my heart beat faster’ out loud......

lancelot: oh? you refuse to speak?

lancelot: answer me. be good and do as sensei says.

(I JUST HAVE TO SAY— lmao i can’t convey just exactly how embarrassing 乖乖听老师的话 is to me because it’s a bit patronizing (like something my mom would say to me ‘乖乖听妈妈的话’), which is the intended tone, but also because the reduplication of 乖 extra emphasis for MC to obediently, meekly do as what she’s told,, i was awash with straight embarrassment. if i were to convey the same level of secondhand embarrassment, then i bet official translations would go like: be a good girl and do as your teacher says but i’m not ready to step foot in that world so,, i’ll leave this text for you to decide)

BACK TO THE TRANSLATION

...It really is shameful, but all I can do answer honestly.

mc: .....when i was looking at sensei’s side profile.....i felt that [sensei] was very handsome

After I responded hesitantly, Lancelot-sama sighed in resignation.

lancelot: in other words, you ignored the fact that you’re in the middle of a lesson to think about such irrelevant things.

mc: i’m really sorry...

Ah, what do I do? I’ve let him down...

lancelot: get into position again.

mc: a-all right.

When I assumed form, facing Lancelot-sama and taking his hand, suddenly, he roughly pulled me close by the waist. 

i can’t remember if i screencapped the whole thing so

lancelot: students who don’t pay attention during class must be punished.

Keeping MC’s body pressed to his, rendering her unable to move in his firm grasp, he initiates a very heated kiss, so intense that all she can do is receive. When they break apart, MC starts off with a dazed Lancelot-sama, but he:

lancelot: right now......you should use sensei, right?

And then kissed MC again. at this point when i was reading, i thought to myself  i need to re-evaluate just exactly how pure i thought lancelot really was,,

Timeskip to the dance; after MC and Lancelot finish dancing together, Lancelot tries to get MC to take a rest, and takes her away from the crowd, towards the long table. At this point, the order of my screenshots went to heck and my RAM was shot from birth, so all I can do is throw out the things that happen:

(1) 

lancelot: (jokingly) won’t you call me sensei again?

(2) Lancelot hugs MC from behind. MC looks at him curiously, asking Lancelot-sama? and Lancelot says that when they’re dancing, he can hold her like this in his arms. sdlfkjfjf what a romantic

lancelot: during the lessons when you would call me sensei......it was a little flustering.

mc: it was?

He actually felt this way..... I didn’t even notice.

Feeling an affectionate warmth bloom in my chest, I let out a laugh.

mc: i really am very thankful towards you, lancelot-sensei.

Lancelot’s happy to have supported MC, for MC to depend on him—but then he says that he realized something when he was teaching MC how to dance. When MC asks him what this is, he says seriously, I don’t think that I could teach other people. 

(3) When MC wonders why, since Lancelot was a perfectly good teacher, Lancelot replies that it’s because he, as a teacher, was in love with his student. And then MC replies that then she’s also not a very good student, for falling in love with her teacher, and the both of them agree that they aren’t very suited to the student-teacher relationship model.

(4) lmao it’s not a premium ending if it doesn’t get a little frisky. So Lancelot ups the ante and drops his head onto MC’s shoulder and pulls the dress off that very shoulder to mouth at her collarbone. She makes a noise in surprise and pleasure, and Lancelot tells her to keep her voice down so that no one hears. lmao when MC is like, but this is a public area,,,, and tries to protest, Lancelot once again tells her to listen to sensei and repeatedly teases MC. in the middle of torturing her, and her having some trouble, he says firmly that no one else is allowed to hear the sounds that MC makes, lmao MC tries her best but let’s face it, lancelot’s really good—so then the two of them return to lancelot’s room, and that’s the end.

secondhand embarrassment was very strong. lancelot is wild. i never knew this

[buddaimond]

Kristen Stewart. Androgyne. The Beautiful Boy. Gamine. Epicene. The Tomboy. Either/Or. Neither/Nor. Both.

by Sheila O Malley

(I simply HAVE to share and post this brilliant piece by Sheila about Kristen’s acting. Read her profile if you question her capability to judge)

Camille Paglia is not the only one to observe that the great movie stars – of any era – are those with androgynous characteristics. The same could be said for literary characters (people always seem to forget the cross-dressing incident with Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre), for art, for architecture. Not so much yin-yang, but a fluid back-and-forth, an effortless integration, a beckoning that can be very destabilizing. Part of star power is that destabilizing effect. Kristen Stewart is the best example we have today of an actress working in that hard-to-quantify-or-even-talk-about realm. When we talk about charisma, I’d just point to Personal Shopper, one of the best films of 2017, where the majority of the film features Kristen Stewart answering and responding to texts … seriously, that’s most of the movie … and you cannot look away.

It’s not a ridiculous over-statement to call her this generation’s Brando. Brando (I’m talking his acting persona now) was macho, brutish, carelessly and thoughtlessly Alpha (he hated those qualities in men which just goes to show you you don’t have to “like” the characters you play). However: without his sensitivity, his soft beautiful features (beautiful as opposed to handsome), and his vulnerability which – frankly – put many of his female co-stars to shame … he would not be Brando. It is the overwhelming sense of an almost feminine openness and softness, mixed with the muscly sexy body, the brawny confidence, that makes Brando Brando.

It’s almost forgotten now but one of the reasons Brando was so explosive – and also so controversial – was that no one had ever seen a leading man like that before, a leading man that vulnerable and emotional. It just wasn’t done. Screaming and crying “Stella” was not particularly … manly. It’s hard to imagine John Wayne (as much as I love him) doing such a thing. Brando punched open the door for other men, creating a larger emotional space in which they could operate. AND, in addition to all of this, Brando is also one of the most riveting people to have ever graced the silver screen. What he had – in terms of personality, beauty, intrigue – was magic. It cannot be imitated, manufactured, manipulated, or created by a PR team. Alain Delon had it. Monica Vitti had it. Cary Grant had it. Marlene Dietrich had it. Talented people, all. But with something ELSE: magic. It’s also not a surprise that all of these actors had an androgynous quality, an “other” quality, something that made you look at them closer to try to figure it out, a mysterious and self-consumed self-obsessed quality that is a powerful draw for an audience.

And to those of you out there who are Supernatural fans, this is the realm in which the green-eyed freckled Jensen Ackles works too, and is one of the main reasons I got hooked into the show, since I could not stop watching him. I’ve written about that extensively. I talk a lot about his “burlesque,” and how he seems to have consciously (or no) incorporated it into the character he plays. The character was not written that way. The character conception initially was that of Han Solo. The sexy masculine wisecracker. Ackles is tall, muscular, Alpha, casually and intuitively tough, a Leader. He is a throwback to John Wayne, which comes very naturally to him. But he’s androgynous too, in a way Wayne was not. The burlesque – the softness – the receiving type of sexuality – but it’s a receiving presented in a performative way which can seem very aggressive … it’s hard to pin this stuff down, and that’s why it’s interesting – is all him.

Kristen Stewart may not have the range of a Brando, but “range” is over-rated. Especially by many of today’s credulous film critics and many aspiring actors. I remember getting into an argument with some dumbbell actor in a class I took who compared Spencer Tracy negatively to Dustin Hoffman. “He’s always the same,” complained the dumbbell. I have a talent for making new friends so I lectured him on why he was wrong. Ever since Robert DeNiro gained all that weight for Raging Bull, radical ACTUAL transformation is what has won Oscars, is what gets the most awe-struck commentary. (And I love DeNiro. But I don’t want the OTHER kind of acting to be dismissed as “just playing themselves,” “they’re always the same”. It’s incorrect.) Old-fashioned star power … well, you can’t put a price on it. No coincidence that those who “have it” are still some of the biggest box-office draws.

Kristen Stewart is one of the most naturally charismatic, naturally gifted actresses working today. I was so pleased when my mentor from the Actors Studio, Sam Schacht, a man who studied with Lee Strasberg, who KNOWS from “Method”, listed her as one of his favorites (*great interview...click link!!) when I interviewed him, a girl who struck him as “authentic.” The very nature of authenticity means it cannot be faked. You can’t TRY to be authentic because then … you wouldn’t be authentic. It’s like the copy of a copy of a painting. Well-trained eyes can tell the difference.

You cannot take your eyes off of Kristen Stewart. Even when she is just buried in her phone.

In Personal Shopper, she is depressive, intense, thoughtful. It’s interior work. This is not an expressive character. She dresses like she’s a teenage boy, in ratty sweaters, sneakers, wool caps pulled down, a blunt-edged ponytail sticking out of the back of her head. But in one extraordinary sequence, filmed almost in one take, she tries on a dress hanging in the closet of the high-profile woman she assists. She is not supposed to be doing this. It’s hard to even conceive of this character WANTING to put on a see-through black dress with an S&M type harness underneath. As Marlene Dietrich croons “Das Hobellied” in the background, Kristen Stewart strips down, and … languorously, slowly … puts on the harness, pulling at the straps to give her more breathing room. The straps though bind her down. Her bare breasts emerges between the straps. She stares at herself, completely unselfconscious in her near-nudity. She thinks again, takes off the harness, and slips on a black see-through bra. On with the harness again. The straps constrict her. She looks like she’s being served up as some male fantasy. And maybe she’s trying that on for size. Being a male fantasy is not entirely a bad thing, you know. I would also suggest that women love to look at beauty too. She’s a female fantasy too. But she doesn’t strut. Or pose. Or “act sexy.” She stares at herself. She slips on leopard-print shoes with dizzyingly high heels. She walks around the apartment.

Marlene Dietrich – one of the most famous androgynes who ever lived, accompanies this strange slim boyish girl in her transformation.

The sequence ends with her lying in the bed – wearing the dress – and masturbating. Is she thinking about anyone? The Unknown texter? Or herself, and the memory of her reflection in the mirror? Or both?

It’s one of the sequences of the year. And why? Nothing happens. It’s like any other “play dress-up” scene, a version of the well-known “fashion montage” in countless other films. Assayas knows what he’s playing with, knows we will come to such a sequence with preconceived notions and expectations. He doesn’t oblige us, though. Neither does Stewart. What goes on in that sequence is something else entirely. She is beautiful boy, pre-teen tomboy, glamorous woman, simultaneously. With deference to Camille Paglia, she is an extreme example of a sexual persona. And it is hers alone. The fact that she’s uncommonly beautiful … almost intimidatingly so … adds to the overall effect. And, like Marilyn Monroe, Kristen Stewart can – at will – depending on the project – dim her beauty. She can appear extremely ordinary. She could walk through Times Square undetected, I have no doubt.

Watch her extraordinary performance as the over-tired lawyer visiting a small town to teach classes in Kelly Reichardt’s film Certain Women. Hunched over her coffee late at night, with a long drive ahead of her, she is plain, dowdy, with circles under her eyes, almost tubercular in her exhaustion.

But she doesn’t make a big deal out of it. She does not “strut” in her plain-ness, she does not want to be congratulated for opting out of the Beauty racket.

Stewart is completely beyond those prosaic and careerist types of concerns. This is what Sam Schacht was talking about when he mentioned her authenticity.

Stewart is not vain, but she is CLEARLY aware of the effect she can have … she is not some “idiot savant”.

She knows what she’s doing.

Lots of actors know what they’re doing, though, and don’t create the captivating effect she does. She works ONLY with subtext. It’s part of her genius.

The camera is designed to pick up thoughts. She does not have to work to show that she’s thinking. She does not “act like” she’s thinking. She just THINKS, and the camera catches it. (Many actors – even good ones – “act like” they’re people. They don’t know how to BE.) What she has is total trust that the camera will catch what she’s doing. She knows she doesn’t have to act. She knows that the name of the game is not ACTing. It’s BEing.

The thought of anyone else doing the dress-up sequence in Personal Shopper makes me wince with discomfort. They’d be very busy showing us how this slim and competent and depressed boy-girl feels about what she sees in the mirror.

Kristen Stewart doesn’t “busy herself” with acting.

She stands in the harness. She looks at her breasts. She adjusts the straps. She looks in the mirror. She looks and looks and looks.

And we can’t stop looking either. At her. 

(**I’ve added a reply comment screenshot to her essay addressing criticism of Kristen’s acting, including Rob’s):

I’m baffled by those who think she’s a “log” – although I’ve heard that a lot! She does not EMOTE, even her crying is somewhat interior – she doesn’t sob.  She’s just so RELAXED onscreen and relaxation is so hard to come by, especially in acting. It’s even more extraordinary when you consider how she started out – as a teenager in this insane franchise which catapulted her to international celebrity – before she even had a chance to develop herself. Usually people like that vanish – or have a hard time finding their way.  But look at what she’s done with it!!

Same with Pattinson too. He was in TWO great movies this year.  Wildly different. Non-mainstream.

Both of them are really doing it right.  

[colourline]

15 ways to take care of yourself through the winter depression + a Spotify-playlist

If you're living in the northern part of the world like me, you're in the winter season which also means a lot less daylight. For some, this means that the mood sometimes drops a few levels.. and then it's extra important to be gentle and patient with yourself.  Someone I know who struggles with winter depression reached out to me and asked for some advice or things to do when the winter depression is sneaking up on us. I thought she probably wasn't the only one going through this. I know what depression can feel like, but again depression feels different to different people, but I've written some things I know have either helped me or others. And even if you're not a sufferer, we all need some self-care now and then.  There are different things that work for different kind of people. One thing can be a stress-factor for some and a stress-reliever for others. Find what works for you. Our bodies and minds respond differently to different things..

Here are some ways you can take extra good care of yourself this winter.. 

 Check in with yourself. I received an advice ones, she told me that every morning before she went out of bed, she would ask herself what she had the energy to do that day. She would really check in with herself and be honest. This may take some practice, especially if you have ignored your feelings and body's needs for a long time. The less you've taken care of yourselves, the less you probably have the energy to do, but the more you practise self-care the better your body will feel. Some days don't have the energy to plan a week ahead, some days it's enough just "planning" the day in front of you. Some days it's necessary to take one day at a time. And that's o k a y .   

Eat breakfast in bed. Some days it's just too much to leave bed, but it can also make us feel even more hopeless. Why not make your own little shelter in bed. Camp there. Bring a cup of tea (the bigger the cup the better). Sometimes I feel good enough to do some "work" (like writing a blog post) in bed. Other times all I can do is read a book or watch Netflix (but let's be mindful of what we watch, sometimes what we watch make us feel even worse about ourselves). Again, it all depends on what we need. No shame in staying in bed. ;)  

Organise your Pinterest boards. Okay okay, listen.. for some this can feel like a totally unnecessary chore, if so.. then don't! BUT if you're like me and you like organising (bonus: while looking at pretty pictures) then I've found this is perfect for me! I still feel somehow productive and cleaning out old pins actually makes me feel a little better. It's always good cleaning out. On my Pinterest boards whenever I need inspiration, and then I always appreciate that I cleaned up (it's also interesting to see how your personal style & taste develops over time, I should totally write a blogpost about that some time!) and Pinterest's algorithms will know better what to show you.  

Pin some quotes. ..talking about Pinterest, when I burned out last year I dedicated a whole Pinterest board to self-care. It's called // care, love + grow yourself and I'll link to it right here. So if you're in need of some self-affirmation, good quotes or just wanna read something encouraging - check it out and pin away!  

Occupy your mind. I'm all about feeling your feelings and give yourself time to listen to what your heart is telling you aka. not pretending like you don't have feelings, BUT there are times when the mind just won't shut up. I usually explain it as "a war in my head". Now, you only know yourself if you're just avoiding your own feelings, please don't do that, eventually, they will find a way out. When all that is said, I have days when my anxiety is sky-high and my depression keeps re-playing "the-bad-memories-movie" to me. And no matter how many times I try to think about something else, it just doesn't work. It keeps screaming. Music doesn't even work for me on those days. It just brings up even more memories, weird situations or dramas that doesn't even exist. If you've struggled with your mental health, I'm sure some of this sounds familiar. On days like this, I try to distract my brain so that I drown the war going on in there. But as always, there can be good and bad ways of doing that. When I'm feeling like this I like listening to a podcast, reading, writing, declaring, watching something I enjoy, makes me laugh or fills me with inspiration.  

Listen to podcasts. When music doesn't work for me, a podcast does. Then I'm focusing on someone else's voice. Or an audiobook if you're into that. And I can either learn something new, be inspired or enjoy some good entertainment.  

Read. If you can focus enough, then read. A book (check my recommendations: "Stuff that shaped me"), a magazine, a blog, some old cards or maybe a dairy from your childhood. I've found that whenever I enter into another world my minds get occupied, just great! Or if I find a blog I really like, I keep on finding new blogposts I wanna read (I recommend Ashley Morgan Jackson and A Girl Named Leney). When all that is said, even though I love to read, sometimes I just can't. I just get too distracted all the time.. and then I forget where I left and you know.. It's better to stop and do something else for a while.  

Write. Write something. It's a good way to get feelings out of your system. Or just get down on paper all the things swirling around in your head. If it's about a person, write them a letter and burn it.. or hide it, it's up to you. I actually wrote a letter to someone. I was tired of hearing their judging comments in my mind and needed it to stop. It actually helped me - I even shared it with you. Go leave a nice comment on someone's instagram post. We can all use some love. And what a beautiful thing it is to be supportive of others. Or maybe write a song? It works for the brilliant songwriters like Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran. Let me make it a cliche, write your heart out.  

Watch. Your favourite YouTubers. Or a great movie (May I recommend The Shack? This is an affiliate link, but 100% my opinion) If I need to focus on happier things I either go to my Pinterest board dedicated to The Cat Family. Cats always make me happy. There are so many photos, memes, videos.. may I recommend videos of cats getting scared of cucumbers for an instant laugh?! They're always a joy watching. Especially when you live a place where you're not allowed pets. If you like some food for your mind I also made a playlist out of my favourite bodypositive & mental health videos.  

Talk to someone. Skype a friend who lives far away. Call your parents or grandparents. Sometimes when we feel lonely or a bit sad is because we simply haven't spoken to a living human being.  

Fingerpaint. I know it sounds like something a kindergarten would do, but getting all the tools away and litereally using your body, your hand, your fingers to *smoosh* out the paint. Feel the texture. Play around. Let go of all the pressure to create something pretty. Use some colours that fit your mood and make those fingers work!  

Create a "hygge" atmosphere. It's actually gramatically incorrect, it should say "hyggelig", but since it's the noun version that's taken the world by storm, and probably the only one you recognize then I'll be a little gramatically incorrect, just for you, haha. I actually created a Pinterest board (has the fact that I'm a Pinterest freak sinked in yet? #noshame) it's called hygge by a danish girl. Yes I'm danish. I'm born in the country of hygge; Denmark. Any other danes out there? If you check out the board, you'll know it's the real deal ;) Anyways, whenever I'm feeling a bit weird or in need of some mood-boosters. I put on some of my favourite music, I light up al the candles, I mean ALL the candles, I'll find more if I need too. Make myself a hot cup of tea with milk! I might even make myself a little snack platter with whatever I find like some fruit slices, buiscuits, candy, some yoghurt with müsli.. you name it. Bring out your favourites and when you display it all on a plate it looks fancier, feels more luxurious and might even taste better (no promises). A blanket. Depending on what you need or want you can bring over a friend, a pet, a little brother, a book, a movie.. you name it, but creating a hygge-atmosphere can make it feel more homely. And a nice treat for ourselves. Sometimes just doing something for ourselves can make us feel better. 

Listen to some upbuilding music. I don't think it's a secret that music can make us feel things and we can resonate with the words. As promised in the title, I created a spotify-playlist filled with songs that bring hope, bring courage, take away fear and makes us feel less alone or makes us wanna change the world. It's called Fight for yourself-playlists. I believe the words we say and listen to effects us more than we know. I try my best to fill my playlists with good music - especially lyric wise. There's a lot of lyrics filled with destructive thinking, not honourable and disrespectful behaviour, not to mention words I'd never say out loud.  Feel free to share the playlist! (will continue to update it, so send me your suggestions!)

Create a self-care-box. Or feel-good-box. Whatever you wanna call it. Fill it with nice things. Like letters and cards you appreciate, cute notes, maybe your favourite perfume, some good-smelling soap, photos of people that make you smile, some nostalgic things from your childhood, your favourite snack (check the expiration date first!), some dried flowers, facemasks, a good hand cream, maybe even some scrubs, things that make you smile, feel better and taken care of.. you name it. I even have a album with screenshots on my phone of every time I receive a message or nice comment I wanna remember. I call it my happy album, with lots of emojis. One can never have too many emojis.  

Paint your nails & wear some lipstick. What nonsense. You serious? Yes. I've sometimes felt a bit of shame if I used "too much" time in front of a mirror, but you know what? I've found that when I've played around with some makeup, I've actually enjoyed myself. I've used time on me. I took care of me, myself and I. Even if I were just to spend the day at home, by myself. I did it for me, not for you. Actually; painting my nails has worked as a stress-reliever for me. Such a small weird thing, but first of all; it makes me happy to look at my pretty painted nails (as long as they're not chipped), we look at them all day long and the process of creating some art on my body has made me feel better. I've heard others talk about the power of putting on some lipstick. It's not the lipstick in itself that brings magic, but the symbol of putting on putting on some war-paint on our lips actually does something to our psyche. Believe it or not. It's a little like putting on a uniform. If you've ever worn a uniform or if you have a special dress code to work, you know that it makes a difference. Imagine a lawyer in a jumpsuit!? Or a cop in a dress? How we dress makes us look differently at ourselves and at others. It's not just about judging people, it's about what signals we send out to ourselves and each other, but let's stay on track. Putting on a little lipstick or painting your nails may not transform you, but can make a little difference in how we proceed ourselves. And on days we might not feel like dressing up (we all have those days) a little lipstick will do. And you know what, you guessed it: I have a Pinterest board for that too. It's called // hair & beauty  (I've organized them into different sections, so it's easier getting what you/I want ;) You're welcome)  

If you've got anything you do that helps you when you're feeling low or some self-care tips, feel free to share with us in the comments.  I wish you the best winter. I want you to know that this is a safe place. I hope you can feel less alone when you're visiting my online home. Know that the bad days won't last forever and that even the queen has days she doesn't feel good. You're not alone in this. If it encouraged you, please share it and pass it on to people you think could need a little extra encouragement, I mean who doesn't?  Thank you for reading. Thank you for being you! // Line Thybo Xx